Participants:
Series Code: IIWC
Program Code: IIWC202420S
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00:00 >> Honey...
00:01 ...you need to learn 00:02 to finish what you start. 00:04 >> They were caked on so bad... 00:05 >> You never finish 00:06 a job. 00:07 >> You always see 00:08 the pot that's not clean. 00:09 What about all the ones I just 00:10 finished for you? 00:11 I've been over an hour 00:12 cleaning the pots. 00:13 >> You're impossible. 00:15 >> Well, so are you. 00:18 [theme music] 00:21 ♪♪ 00:55 [cheerful guitar] 00:58 ♪♪ 01:02 >> Welcome to 01:03 It Is Written Canada. 01:04 Thank you for joining us. 01:06 You may know Dr. John Gottman 01:08 as the marriage expert 01:10 who can predict divorce 01:12 with over 90% accuracy. 01:16 His life's work 01:18 on marital stability and 01:20 divorce prediction is 01:22 world renowned. 01:25 >> In his book, 01:26 Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 01:28 Dr. Gottman noted how, 01:31 on the basis of a 01:32 15-minute conversation, 01:35 researchers at the 01:37 Gottman Institute 01:39 could predict with 01:40 91% accuracy 01:44 whether a couple would be 01:45 married or divorced 01:47 within ten years. 01:49 >> Gottman and his team 01:50 were looking for positive 01:52 to negative interactions, 01:54 and they pinpointed how 01:56 the "masters," he called them, 01:59 had far more positives 02:01 than negatives, 02:02 at least 5 to 1 02:04 in their interactions 02:05 with one another. 02:06 >> In his book, 02:07 The Seven Principles 02:09 for Making Marriage Work, 02:11 Dr. Gottman revealed 02:13 that 96% of the time, 02:16 you can predict the outcome 02:18 of a conversation 02:19 based on the first three minutes 02:22 of these 15-minute interactions. 02:26 A harsh load of 02:28 negatively powered words 02:30 simply dooms you to failure. 02:34 >> So... 02:36 one word distinguished 02:37 the masters from the disasters, 02:39 and that one word is "gentle." 02:42 Today on It Is Written Canada 02:43 we want to focus on 02:45 how when you begin 02:47 all your conversations 02:49 with a gentle startup, 02:51 you, too, can be a master 02:53 in your marriage. 02:56 >> To help us examine 02:57 how this works, 02:58 Marlon and Doreen Cliff 03:01 are our special guests again 03:03 today on It Is Written Canada. 03:06 They are certified 03:07 Gottman Educators for the 03:09 Seven Principles of 03:10 Making Marriage Work, 03:12 Certified Prepare Enrich 03:15 Facilitators, Caring for the 03:17 Heart Ministries lay counsellors 03:20 and marriage wellness coaches. 03:24 >> Marlon and Doreen Cliff, 03:26 welcome to It Is Written Canada 03:28 today. 03:29 >> It's nice to be here again. 03:30 >> Yes. 03:31 >> So tell us about 03:32 the difference between the 03:33 masters and the disasters. 03:34 Can you say in a couple of 03:35 sentences, what's the difference 03:37 between those types of 03:40 marriages, the masters 03:42 and the disasters. 03:44 >> The masters, they always look 03:46 for what's going right in the 03:47 relationship and what they 03:49 appreciate and see that's good 03:50 in each other. 03:52 >> And the marriage disasters 03:54 are looking for what's wrong. 03:56 They've got into that 03:57 negative perspective and we 03:58 focus on what's not right 04:00 with the person. 04:01 And for 24 years we were 04:03 marriage disasters, and we were 04:05 focusing on what was wrong 04:06 with each other and trying to 04:07 fix each other. 04:08 And that was, spent 24 years 04:10 in that. 04:11 >> I think of a couple who... 04:14 ...the man was paid 04:15 as an auditor. 04:17 And so an auditor is paid to 04:19 look for mistakes, right? 04:20 And so that's what he got to do 04:23 at work and so he thought that 04:24 his wife would be pretty happy 04:26 with him if he could just 04:29 list her character faults, 04:31 all the things that she needed 04:33 to fix in her life. 04:34 >> I can really resonate 04:35 with that because 04:37 I actually am embarrassed to say 04:38 I probably had about six pages. 04:40 [laughter] 04:42 >> So do we ever come to the end 04:44 of fixing? 04:46 No, because there's always, 04:48 you know, you can look at 04:49 yourself in the mirror, 04:49 "Oh, I've gotta fix this, 04:50 fix that...” 04:51 And then when you're looking at 04:52 your partner and you're 04:53 living with them, you know, 04:54 you wanna fix, fix, fix. 04:56 And so it's easy to 04:58 get into that. 04:59 To be a master really takes 05:00 a lot of discipline, doesn't it? 05:02 To look for the best 05:03 in each other and that 05:04 brings out the best 05:05 from each other. 05:06 Yeah. 05:07 [calm music] 05:10 ♪♪ 05:14 >> Research has shown that 05:16 the determining factor for 05:18 a couple's happiness 05:20 is based on the quality... 05:24 ...of their friendship. 05:26 Can you share with us 05:27 and tell us about those 05:29 three key components 05:31 of friendship? 05:33 >> Yes. 05:34 The first component is 05:36 "I know you." 05:37 And Doctor John Gottman 05:38 refers it to as Love Maps. 05:40 This is where we get to 05:42 know each other intimately 05:43 and spend time asking those 05:45 questions that are either 05:46 close-ended or we follow up 05:47 with an open-ended question 05:48 just to understand and get to 05:49 know them a little better. 05:51 >> The second is "I love you." 05:54 And that's where we 05:56 show appreciation and fondness 05:58 and admiration for each other. 05:59 So we speak it verbally 06:02 or we show it non-verbally 06:04 through touch. 06:05 And this is something that's 06:07 really often missing 06:08 in relationships where we stop 06:11 seeing what we appreciate 06:13 in each other. 06:14 >> And the third component is 06:16 "I'm here for you," 06:17 which is turning towards 06:19 and our bids for connection. 06:21 So when we make bids 06:24 for each other, a lot of times 06:26 we kind of ignore them 06:27 or what John Gottman refers to 06:29 is we turn away from those bids 06:31 or ignore them. 06:32 So that commonly in a 06:34 relationship is just expresses, 06:36 "I'm not interested in you, 06:38 I know, I don't hear you, 06:39 I'm not listening, 06:40 I'm not paying attention," 06:41 and it equates to 06:42 "I'm not here for you." 06:43 >> Mmm. 06:44 So those three components of 06:45 friendship again, "I know you," 06:47 "I love you," and "I'm here 06:48 for you." 06:49 So think about that practically. 06:50 Can you give us a practical 06:52 ways of demonstrating that... 06:56 ...within a relationship? 06:57 >> Yes. 06:58 So how we can really 07:00 communicate, to get to know 07:03 each other better is by 07:04 asking open-ended questions. 07:07 So this is really a lost art 07:09 in relationships. 07:10 We don't ask these 07:12 open-ended questions where we 07:13 dig deeper in the conversation 07:15 to get to know each other 07:17 at a heart level. 07:19 We often speak at 07:20 the surface level, like 07:23 "What's happening today?" 07:24 right, "What's─ are you 07:25 taking the kids to school?" 07:27 you know, "What was work like?" 07:29 and that's it, instead of 07:31 digging a little deeper 07:33 and asking more questions 07:34 around those conversations. 07:37 So open ended-questions, 07:39 they start with "what" or "how." 07:42 Or they can just be 07:44 validating phrases like, 07:45 "Tell me more," 07:47 or, yeah, "What does that 07:49 look like for you? 07:50 How do you wanna 07:51 carry that out this week?" 07:53 So you're using 07:54 "what" and "how" questions a lot 07:56 and being very, very curious, 07:59 getting curious about 08:00 the conversation to 08:02 just carry it to a deeper level 08:03 instead of a surface level. 08:05 >> Like when we were dating. 08:06 A lot of times we're asking 08:07 those questions, but after time, 08:09 after being married for 08:10 one, two, three years, 08:11 we stop asking those questions 08:13 and maybe we think we know 08:14 each other well enough and don't 08:15 need to be curious anymore. 08:16 So it's being intentional, just 08:17 asking those questions again. 08:19 [calm music] 08:22 ♪♪ 08:26 >> So the difference between 08:27 the masters and disasters, 08:29 one word keeps coming up 08:30 and that's the word, "gentle." 08:31 So when you think of 08:33 the masters, they see 08:36 a conflict 08:38 And it's like kicking around 08:39 a soccer ball and they 08:40 gently kick it back and forth. 08:42 But the disasters see 08:43 their partner as 08:45 the soccer ball. 08:46 And so they're rather 08:47 kicking their partner 08:48 instead of the conflict 08:50 between the two of them. 08:51 So we talk about that 08:52 in terms of a harsh startup 08:55 or a gentle startup. 08:57 So can you give us 08:58 a demonstration of what 08:59 those two look like? 09:00 What's a harsh versus 09:02 a gentle startup? 09:03 >> Oh, we have so many, 09:05 24 years of them and we even 09:08 slip back now in the last 09:09 11 years, but we know how to 09:11 re-do and bring it back. 09:12 But for many years, Marlon 09:15 was the ball. 09:16 I kicked him a lot. 09:18 So we have 09:19 lots of stories, but... 09:20 >> And I kicked back. 09:21 >> Yes. 09:22 After you get frustrated, right, 09:24 of being silent and withdrawing, 09:26 so then you tend to fight back 09:28 with that harsh start up. 09:30 [MARLON] So here's an example 09:31 of a harsh startup 09:32 back when we were in 09:33 a negative perspective. 09:34 So I came home from work 09:36 and I come to the sink 09:38 full of dishes. 09:39 And it was just 09:40 like, there was sink─ 09:41 it was just full of 09:41 dirty dishes and 09:43 it hadn't been done all day. 09:44 So I came home, I thought, 09:46 You know what, I'm gonna 09:47 clean all the dishes, 09:48 get them all ready for her, 09:49 and so when she came home, 09:50 she could relax and we could 09:51 have some quality time 09:53 with the kids in the family, 09:54 maybe go for a walk. 09:55 So I was all excited and 09:56 thinking, Oh, she's gonna love 09:58 how clean the kitchen looks. 09:59 And I had it all, had the 10:00 counters all clean and 10:01 everything looked really good. 10:03 And then all of a sudden 10:04 she came in the door and I'm 10:05 waiting for, a big thank you. 10:06 And I turned towards my wife and 10:07 I'm smiling, and she looks at me 10:08 and... 10:10 >> Honey... 10:12 ...there's pots on the stove. 10:13 Like, why didn't you 10:14 finish the pots? 10:15 >> I was just letting them soak. 10:16 >> You know what? 10:18 You need to learn to finish 10:19 what you start. 10:20 >> They were caked on so bad... 10:21 >> You never finish a job. 10:23 >> And I couldn't find the 10:25 pot scrubber under the sink... 10:27 >> You always have excuses 10:28 for not finishing the dishes. 10:30 >> Honey, I just wanted to 10:31 get it clean for you. 10:32 You always just see 10:33 the pot that's not clean. 10:34 What about all the ones 10:35 I just finished for you? 10:36 I've been over an hour 10:37 cleaning the pots. 10:38 >> You're impossible. 10:40 >> Well, so are you. 10:43 >> Yeah, so really, 10:46 to do a re-do with this 10:48 and do a gentle startup 10:49 is what we had to learn. 10:51 So it was pretty harsh. 10:53 But we had a lot of these 10:55 harsh startups. 10:57 And learning to 10:59 rewrite our story 11:01 and to take the time 11:02 to give each other a chance 11:03 to do re-dos is so important. 11:06 So this is more of what a 11:07 gentle startup looks like 11:10 now for us. 11:11 I would come in from 11:13 after taking the kids to the 11:15 museum and I'd say, 11:16 "Oh honey, thank you so much 11:19 for doing the dishes. 11:20 There were two days of dishes. 11:22 I just didn't get to them." 11:23 >> I know you've been very busy, 11:24 Honey, I just wanted to make it 11:25 clean so maybe we can spend some 11:26 time together with the kids. 11:27 Maybe go for a walk 11:28 after dinner. 11:29 >> Yes. 11:30 And I see that 11:31 there's some pots on the stove, 11:32 so let me finish them up 11:34 for you. 11:35 >> Well, I was gonna get─ 11:35 I was just letting them soak 11:36 for a bit. 11:37 >> I know, but you go get ready 11:39 for a walk, I think you said 11:40 you wanted to go for a walk. 11:41 So you go do that. 11:43 I'm ready to go 11:44 and I will finish up. 11:45 Thank you so much 11:47 for doing this for me. 11:48 I so appreciate it. 11:49 >> Oh you're welcome. 11:50 >> So quite a difference 11:52 between the two. 11:54 And, you know, the very first 11:55 few minutes or seconds even 11:57 of a conversation, John Gottman 12:00 found that, you know, this 12:02 really predicted which direction 12:04 the conversation was gonna go, 12:06 in which direction the 12:07 relationship is going to go. 12:09 >> So you kind of have to 12:10 bite your tongue 12:11 because it's really easy to... 12:15 ...to go off in the 12:16 negative direction. 12:17 >> So to switch it, 12:19 it takes a lot of discipline 12:21 to really think in a loving way 12:23 and to be gentle. 12:25 How do you do that? 12:28 >> Building a friendship 12:30 is so key. 12:32 Because how I view my husband... 12:35 ...and if we have a friendship, 12:37 I am going to naturally 12:39 have a more gentle startup. 12:42 But if I don't view him as 12:43 my teammate and my friend... 12:46 ...I'm gonna more easily 12:48 have that harsh startup 12:49 in my conversation because I'm 12:51 seeing everything he does wrong. 12:53 And it's like we talked about 12:54 that positive perspective 12:57 in a relationship. 12:58 Do we see the positive or do we 13:00 have a negative perspective 13:01 where even the good things 13:02 that Marlon did 13:04 in our relationship, 13:06 I saw them as negative. 13:07 He would bring me flowers home 13:09 from work and I would throw them 13:11 in the trash 13:13 because he wasn't intentional. 13:16 I wanted him to buy them for me. 13:18 Now, when he brings flowers 13:19 home, I'm like, "Oh, thank you!" 13:21 And they're free. 13:22 Even better, they're free, 13:24 because we're in this 13:25 positive perspective. 13:27 So building that friendship 13:29 really, really helps 13:31 with the thought control 13:34 because our thoughts are already 13:35 positive towards that person. 13:38 >> What a difference 13:39 Doreen's gentle startup made. 13:41 >> Yes, it makes 13:42 a huge difference. 13:43 >> So now when you come into 13:45 the kitchen and you see 13:46 a pile of dishes and you had 13:48 such a gentle startup... 13:50 >> Yes, I'm motivated and 13:51 I wanna do more. 13:53 >> Whereas if it was harsh 13:55 and you see a pile of dishes, 13:57 >> Honestly, before I just 13:59 quit doing them, I just gave up 14:00 because I could never 14:01 do anything right. 14:02 It was never good enough. 14:03 So I just stopped doing it. 14:04 >> And that "never good enough" 14:06 is, they call that, 14:08 "negative perspective override" 14:10 or "negative sentiment 14:11 override." 14:12 So no matter how many positives 14:14 come in, when you have that 14:16 negative sentiment override, 14:17 you just see it as negative. 14:19 So Doreen says, 14:20 “I want flowers,” 14:22 but she was negative sentiment, 14:24 and so as soon as you bring her 14:25 flowers she throws them in 14:26 the garbage. 14:27 So no matter what you do, 14:28 it's sort of like you're in a 14:30 batting cage and the ball comes 14:31 and you just hit it back, 14:33 hit it back, hit it back. 14:34 So every time something positive 14:35 comes, you're just like, 14:36 "No...no...no!" 14:38 And─ but when you get into that 14:41 friendship which is 14:42 positive sentiment override, 14:45 when negativity comes in, 14:47 you can look at it and you can 14:48 say, "Ahh. 14:49 Hmm, I wonder what's wrong." 14:50 Right, and it's dealt with as 14:53 you always see the best 14:55 in each other. 14:55 >> Give each other 14:56 the benefit of the doubt. 14:58 >> Right. 14:58 And it's more gracious. 15:00 >> So do you guys have an 15:01 example you can share with us? 15:02 >> Oh... 15:03 >> Okay... 15:04 >> I know you guys are 15:05 the masters, but... 15:06 >> We never have any 15:07 bad examples, but we can 15:09 try and figure something out. 15:10 We'll make it up. 15:12 >> I'll do a harsh startup 15:13 of a perpetual problem. 15:15 >> We do? 15:16 >> And the perpetual problem is 15:17 Mike having long showers. 15:19 >> Okay, let's hear it. 15:22 >> But that's not a problem... 15:23 >> Okay. 15:26 Michael, why do you always 15:28 have to take such long showers? 15:30 Not short ones, ten... 15:32 ten, 15 minutes long. 15:33 >> That's not a long shower. 15:35 That's a... 15:36 >> A long shower! 15:37 >> That's a good shower. 15:38 >> Can you just listen to me. 15:40 >> Okay. 15:40 >> Just look at me and 15:41 listen to me. 15:42 >> I'm looking. 15:43 >> No, you shower for so long, 15:45 I end up having a cold shower, 15:48 an ice-cold shower. 15:50 You are so selfish 15:51 and inconsiderate. 15:53 You only think about yourself. 15:54 What is wrong with you? 15:56 >> That's not very nice. 15:58 >> Wow, that was pretty─ 15:59 That was harsh. 16:00 I didn't know René 16:00 had that in her. 16:01 Wow! 16:02 [laughter] 16:02 >> I hope no one's watching TV 16:04 right now and they're like, 16:05 Something's wrong with 16:06 the Lemons' relationship. 16:08 >> She really had a lemon 16:09 this morning. 16:10 >> René usually doesn't 16:11 behave this way. 16:13 This is out of character 16:14 completely...so... 16:15 >> So there's a formula 16:18 for a gentle startup. 16:20 >> And a formula for 16:21 a harsh startup here. 16:22 So what we're talking about here 16:24 is what was she saying a lot 16:26 to me? 16:27 >> "You always..." 16:29 "You never..." 16:30 "You're inconsiderate. 16:31 You don't think of me. 16:31 You just think of yourself." 16:32 It's all about you. 16:33 >> Yeah, I like the 16:34 good question. 16:35 "What's wrong with you?" 16:36 >> Yes. 16:37 >> Got lots of problems. 16:39 I can list them out for you. 16:40 Okay. 16:41 >> So there's a formula 16:43 for a gentle startup. 16:45 So let's go through that formula 16:48 and then we'll─ 16:49 I'll do the gentle startup. 16:51 >> So the first thing is 16:53 "I appreciate." 16:54 So we're going to say something 16:56 that we appreciate... 16:57 >> Which is hard to do 16:59 when you're in a 17:00 negative frame of mind. 17:01 So it kind of could 17:03 come across as phony 17:04 to yourself. 17:05 But you gotta think of the best 17:07 in the other person 17:08 and you gotta practice this. 17:09 It's not easy. 17:11 Yeah. 17:11 >> And then the second one was 17:13 "I feel." 17:15 So you take... 17:17 ...responsibility for 17:20 your feelings. 17:21 "I feel." 17:22 And then the third thing is 17:24 "About," about the actual 17:27 scenario so you don't 17:29 bring up what's happened 17:31 in the past. 17:32 And then the fourth one is 17:34 "I need." 17:36 So... 17:37 >> And that's really important 17:38 to state what you need 17:40 and say, "I need," not 17:41 "You never do this for me," 17:43 but, "I need this." 17:45 And so that's actually 17:47 going into the area of saying 17:49 I do have a bit of a 17:51 complaint here, but it's not 17:52 a criticism of you. 17:53 It's how I'm feeling. 17:55 Right? 17:56 Because of course you would 17:56 feel that way if I'm using 17:58 all the hot water and you never 17:59 get a hot shower. 18:00 You get all the cold water. 18:01 Yeah. 18:02 >> And so once again, 18:03 we're using "I" 18:06 instead of "you." 18:08 >> Right. 18:09 >> Okay, so let's do the 18:11 gentle startup. 18:12 >> Okay, I'm ready. 18:13 >> Okay. 18:13 [laughs] 18:15 >> Love... 18:17 ...I really appreciates 18:18 how cleanliness is such 18:20 an important thing for you. 18:22 >> It is very important. 18:23 >> And when you use 18:24 that aftershave... 18:26 >> You've noticed? 18:27 >> I did and it smells so good. 18:29 >> Oh, I know. 18:30 >> But you know, 18:31 I really feel frustrated 18:34 when I end up having 18:36 cold showers. 18:37 >> Oh, I'd feel frustrated, too. 18:38 I don't like cold showers. 18:39 >> I wonder if you could just 18:40 maybe let me shower first 18:42 or shower a little bit shorter. 18:45 But how about me 18:46 showering first? 18:47 Would that be okay? 18:48 >> Yeah, that's a better idea. 18:49 I can't have a short shower. 18:51 I like a long shower. 18:52 >> Okay, thank you. 18:53 >> Oh, that's wonderful. 18:56 That worked well. 18:57 >> Much better. 18:58 >> Much better, yeah! 19:01 >> And you know what 19:02 most couples miss out on is 19:04 not expressing what 19:05 their need is. 19:07 They only get to you 19:09 [laughs] 19:11 and what you don't do wrong and 19:13 they express the frustration, 19:15 but they don't get to 19:17 what I need. 19:19 So it's so important to carry 19:20 the conversation, even if you're 19:22 doing it in a harsh start up, 19:23 to include what you need. 19:26 And so important to 19:27 give each other grace 19:28 to do the re-do. 19:30 If you just had a 19:31 negative interaction, to really 19:32 take the time to give each other 19:34 grace, to say, "Hey... 19:36 ...I need to start over. 19:37 Let me start over with a 19:38 gentle startup. 19:39 >> And how easy is it for you 19:41 not to use gentle startups? 19:46 >> Well, this is something that 19:48 started out being really clunky 19:50 for us to perfect 19:52 and it does feel that way. 19:54 But the beauty is, is at 19:55 any point of the conflict, 19:58 you can choose to get off 19:59 that crazy cycle 20:00 and you can choose to just stop 20:03 and then say, "Okay, 20:04 let's just do a re-do." 20:06 And the beauty of doing these 20:08 re-dos is that it creates that 20:11 neuroplasticity in the brain, 20:13 where it starts to create 20:14 a new story in the brain. 20:16 And when you process the 20:18 regrettable incident, you're 20:20 really, truly understanding 20:22 what was the need behind 20:24 that conflict? 20:25 What was the unmet need 20:27 or dream. 20:28 So this is really 20:31 a great way 20:32 to practice a gentle startup 20:34 when a harsh startup 20:35 has happened. 20:36 So even though a harsh startup 20:38 happens still 20:40 in our relationship, 20:42 we have the choice to either 20:43 continue down that path 20:46 or to just stop, 20:48 do the re-do and practice a 20:49 gentle startup, and to ask those 20:52 open-ended questions 20:54 about okay, what was the 20:55 unmet need or dream here? 20:57 What was the reason for this? 20:59 Because usually it's not the 21:00 incident, it's something 21:02 in behind that's not being met 21:05 in our lives, 21:06 unmet needs that create it 21:09 and cause that harsh startup 21:10 to come out. 21:12 So the more you 21:13 build that friendship 21:15 of knowing each other, 21:17 loving each other, 21:18 and being there for each other 21:20 and having each other's back, 21:21 learning to be on the same team 21:23 is what really happens when you 21:26 keep practising the 21:27 gentle startup. 21:28 [calm music] 21:31 ♪♪ 21:34 One of the key things for 21:36 building friendships so that 21:37 we can... 21:39 ...it's much easier to do these 21:41 gentle startups is 21:43 creating something that 21:44 builds friendship, which is 21:46 really, we call them love habits 21:48 or Dr. John Gottman calls them 21:50 "rituals of connection." 21:52 So these are things that you do 21:54 daily, you do weekly, 21:56 and then maybe bigger events 21:57 that might be monthly or 21:58 quarterly or yearly, 22:00 depending on your finances, 22:01 right, and what you want those 22:03 big events to be. 22:05 But for us, I love our 22:07 morning routine of connection, 22:09 which─ and Marlon actually 22:11 likes that even more than me 22:12 because it's physical touch 22:13 and it's a six-second kiss, 22:15 which has been scientifically 22:17 studied to create connection. 22:19 It takes six seconds 22:20 of kissing to create 22:21 the emotional connection. 22:23 >> Release those hormones, 22:24 oxytocin, that cuddle hormone, 22:25 that love hormone. 22:26 >> And then we add in there a 22:27 20-second hug, which is the same 22:29 principle, takes that long 22:31 to create emotional connection. 22:33 And you often know what it 22:34 feels like when someone hugs you 22:36 too long that maybe you don't 22:37 know them. 22:38 It can feel uncomfortable. 22:39 It's like, okay, 22:40 you're my friend, but... 22:42 But with your partner, 22:44 that 20-second embrace 22:47 creates an emotional connection. 22:48 How much time do we take 22:50 daily to have a six-second kiss 22:52 and a 20-second hug? 22:54 >> We kind of a peck on the 22:55 cheek or say, "Hey, honey, 22:56 I'm out the door. 22:57 See you tonight." 22:58 So we don't build a connection 22:59 before we even, you know, 23:01 leave for the day. 23:01 So that's one thing 23:03 that takes five minutes. 23:04 It's not a long time, but it 23:05 just like, builds that little 23:07 connection and gives us 23:08 something to look forward, 23:09 you know, when we come home. 23:10 You know, one of the things that 23:11 we hear most from couples that 23:13 we just don't have enough time 23:15 to connect. 23:17 And how can you rebuild 23:18 a friendship or 23:19 create that friendship 23:21 without taking the time? 23:22 So we intentionally, we schedule 23:23 things, we plan it. 23:24 So we have our weekly date night 23:26 for two hours to stay connected. 23:28 So that's another one of our 23:29 rituals of connections, we just─ 23:30 And whether it's going out for 23:31 a meal or staying at home making 23:32 a meal together or just 23:34 whatever, it could be a walk 23:35 or go to the park. 23:36 It can be something simple, 23:37 but just time to connect and ask 23:39 those open-ended questions 23:40 and get deeper into that 23:41 heart connection. 23:42 >> Yeah, and taking the time 23:44 daily to connect and debrief 23:46 the day and not just talk about 23:48 the surface emotions. 23:49 So really getting into 23:52 a heart conversation 23:54 and just asking, "Okay, 23:56 how is your heart today? 23:58 Like, are you doing okay? 24:00 Or tell me more about that. 24:02 You know, what made that 24:03 difficult for you?" 24:04 And being curious. 24:06 It's amazing when you 24:08 talk to someone 24:09 and they're asking you 24:11 all these questions, 24:13 it really makes you feel like, 24:14 "Oh wow, they really wanna 24:16 get to know me." 24:18 And in a relationship, 24:20 it's─ that's what you wanna do. 24:21 You wanna make each other feel 24:23 like you want to know 24:25 that person. 24:25 >> So at the end of the day, 24:26 when─ if I'm coming home and 24:28 we've been, you know, 24:29 she's been out or 24:30 she's been at home or working 24:32 when we meet again, it's just 24:33 taking that time just to 24:34 reconnect and have that 24:36 stress-reducing conversation 24:37 as you were talking about. 24:38 So a lot of times we don't 24:39 take that time just, you know, 24:41 we just need that chance to 24:42 de-stress and, "Hey, Honey, 24:44 how was your day?" 24:45 We just have that, you know, 24:45 take ten, 15 minutes. 24:47 Again, just a quick check in. 24:48 But a lot of times we're so 24:49 busy when we come home, 24:49 one's making dinner, 24:50 one's preparing this, 24:51 one's looking out for the kids. 24:52 We don't even take the time 24:53 to reconnect. 24:54 So to us that's been a 24:56 really another important factor 24:57 to add into our... 24:58 >> It is. 24:59 Or sometimes we're in 25:00 silent treatment mode 25:02 where we've had a conflict 25:03 and it's lasted for days, 25:05 then some couples that last 25:07 for weeks and then they're 25:09 so drifted apart. 25:10 So getting back to 25:12 taking time 25:13 to reconnect on a daily basis 25:16 and build that friendship again 25:18 through these little 25:19 love habits. 25:20 It's so important. 25:23 >> Thank you so much 25:24 for sharing with us again, 25:26 Marlon and Doreen. 25:27 And I wonder, before we end, if 25:30 you could pray for our viewers. 25:31 There may be people who are 25:33 watching and saying, you know, 25:34 "I really am struggling in this 25:36 area of my life or that area 25:38 of my life and I would really 25:39 like to be a master 25:41 and not a disaster." 25:42 And maybe we can just pause 25:44 for a moment and pray for them. 25:46 >> Sure, okay. 25:48 Dear Heavenly Father, Lord, 25:49 we just want to pray 25:50 for each of the viewers 25:51 relationships, Lord, whatever 25:53 state it is in. 25:55 If there's been some criticism 25:57 or harsh startups, Lord, 25:58 we just ask that You would 26:00 give them the grace and mercy 26:02 to turn that into a 26:03 gentle startup, 26:04 that their negative perspective 26:06 would change into 26:07 a positive perspective. 26:09 >> And Heavenly Father, if that 26:11 loving feeling has been 26:14 missing from their relationship, 26:17 I just pray that they will 26:19 just make a choice to choose 26:21 to rebuild their friendship, 26:23 rebuild that foundation of love 26:26 and take the time 26:28 and be intentional 26:29 to make it happen 26:30 and just turn towards each other 26:33 and fulfill those needs and bids 26:35 in each other's life, I pray. 26:37 Amen. 26:38 [ALL] Amen. 26:40 >> Doreen and Marlon, thank you 26:41 so much for joining us on 26:43 It Is Written Canada today. 26:44 >> You're welcome. 26:45 It was, again, it was 26:46 our pleasure. 26:47 >> Yes. 26:50 >> Friends, when it comes to 26:51 marriage, there is always room 26:54 for growth because we all 26:56 want to be like the masters. 26:59 Our free offer for you today 27:02 is How To Love Your Marriage. 27:05 >> Learn how to reclaim intimacy 27:08 with your spouse 27:09 and ten ways to renew 27:11 your marital happiness. 27:14 How To Love Your Marriage 27:15 offers biblical answers 27:17 and practical tips 27:19 for improving your marriage. 27:23 Before you go, we would like to 27:25 thank all of you who have 27:27 supported the ministry of 27:29 It Is Written Canada 27:31 with your prayers and 27:33 financial contributions. 27:35 Without your support, 27:37 this television ministry 27:39 could not have reached 27:40 so many people 27:42 for so many decades. 27:44 > Yes, thank you. 27:46 And we would like to invite you 27:48 to follow us on Instagram and 27:50 Facebook and subscribe to our 27:52 YouTube channel, and also 27:54 listen to our podcasts. 27:55 And if you go to our website, 27:56 And if you go to our website, 27:57 you can see our latest programs. 28:02 >> Friends, to be honest, 28:03 Jesus is offering you a life 28:06 that is beyond our 28:07 ongoing struggles with the pain, 28:10 suffering, and sorrows 28:12 of this life. 28:14 We would like to recommend 28:15 you open the Bible 28:17 where it is recorded that 28:19 Jesus Himself found His 28:21 assurance to defeat the devil 28:24 through the Word of His Father 28:26 when He declared... 28:40 >> What is wrong with you? 28:43 >> Oh wow, you're completely 28:44 out of character here, Love. 28:46 That's not the usual. 28:48 Can you imagine René 28:49 being like that? 28:50 >> Okay, stop... 28:52 I don't react like that. |
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