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Series Code: IIWC
Program Code: IIWC202424S
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00:05 [theme music]
00:08 ♪♪ 00:42 [solemn music] 00:45 ♪♪ 00:49 >> Welcome to 00:50 It Is Written Canada. 00:51 Thank you for joining me. 00:52 It's true that we can't see 00:53 the pain inside of people, 00:55 how so many people all around us 00:57 are suffering deeply within, 00:59 walking around wounded. 01:01 Yet even though you can't 01:03 see the pain, many people are 01:05 living with loss that is 01:07 so excruciatingly painful. 01:10 Whether it's the loss 01:11 of a relationship, 01:12 the loss of dreams, 01:13 or the loss of a loved one. 01:16 The emotional pain one feels 01:18 reaches the deepest levels 01:19 of human agony 01:21 when you experience the loss 01:22 of a loved one. 01:24 But I want to give you hope 01:26 that it is possible to find 01:27 a way forward while honouring 01:30 the person that you've lost. 01:31 My personal journey through 01:33 a life of tremendous losses, 01:36 one loved one after another, 01:38 has been extremely 01:41 painful and personal. 01:43 I have spoken about this 01:45 previously on other programs, 01:46 but let me try to illustrate 01:49 what this has look like for me. 01:51 Firstly, I like to take 01:53 a Ziploc bag like this one 01:55 full of water and stab it 01:57 with a couple of pencils 02:00 like this. 02:04 So when I was three years old, 02:07 my parents divorced 02:09 and my brothers and I 02:10 ended up in an orphanage. 02:12 So those were 02:13 two big losses 02:15 in a row. 02:16 And I used to try to 02:18 illustrate this to people 02:19 by showing them this Ziploc bag 02:22 with these pencils 02:23 poked through it. 02:24 So you can see how 02:26 these pencils poke right through 02:29 this plastic, so it's 02:30 piercing right through. 02:31 But the same can't be true 02:33 or said for people. 02:35 We can't see the pain 02:37 caused by loss inside of people. 02:39 How people all around us, 02:41 not everyone, but many of us 02:43 are suffering deeply within. 02:46 We're grieving. 02:47 We're walking around wounded. 02:49 So these people, 02:51 even though you can't see it, 02:54 that's what they're 02:55 experiencing. 02:56 So in my own story, 02:58 when I was ten years old, 03:01 my eldest brother Joe was killed 03:03 in a tractor accident. 03:05 So I take another pencil 03:07 and I stab it through the bag. 03:11 And then when I was 16, 03:13 my mother, who was battling 03:15 the demons of depression, 03:17 died by suicide. 03:21 And then when I was 26, 03:23 one of my older brothers, Pete, 03:26 he fell 50 feet from a scaffold 03:28 and hit his head on some pipes 03:31 on the way down, 03:32 and he was killed. 03:33 And so that was another stab. 03:37 I would like to say that 03:39 I have found a way 03:41 to wrap up all of that grief 03:43 and that pain and the sorrows, 03:44 and tuck them away 03:46 all neatly in the past. 03:48 But that would not be true. 03:50 My journey through grief 03:52 is always ongoing 03:55 because, you know, 03:56 your love for those people 03:59 that you've lost, 04:01 that will never die. 04:04 So are there stages of grieving? 04:08 And will the pain 04:09 ever go away? 04:11 Various experts talk about 04:12 the stages of grieving. 04:14 Some models depict 04:16 five stages of grieving. 04:17 Others say that there's 6 or 7 04:19 and others say 8 or 9. 04:20 And I've even heard up to 04:22 14 stages of grief 04:23 and coping strategies. 04:25 But as far as I am concerned, 04:27 there are really only 04:28 two stages of grief. 04:30 Number one, who we were before, 04:33 and number two, who we become 04:35 after the loss of a loved one. 04:38 Every loss in your life 04:39 changes you, and today on 04:41 It Is Written Canada, 04:42 I want to invite you to join me 04:45 in exploring what you 04:46 may be facing if you 04:48 are on your own journey 04:50 of living with loss. 04:59 Other people may not be able to 05:01 see the pain that you carry 05:02 within your heart when you 05:04 suffer a significant loss. 05:05 But health care professionals 05:07 tell us that it shows 05:09 in the brain. 05:10 When you first hear 05:12 of an intense loss, 05:14 your brain essentially 05:15 perceives it as a threat 05:17 to your survival 05:18 and the amygdala triggers 05:20 the stress response, 05:22 also known as the fight, flight, 05:24 or freeze response. 05:27 Loss is an intense stress. 05:29 People may fight, they may 05:31 scream, yell, or get furious 05:34 that someone is gone. 05:36 Or they may have 05:37 lost their job or their health, 05:40 their home, or even a pet. 05:43 They may flee. 05:44 They may run away, 05:46 deny the loss, 05:47 or avoid talking or 05:48 thinking about it, 05:49 or they may freeze. 05:52 They may faint or go numb. 05:56 Not be able to speak 05:57 or just shut down completely. 06:00 Experts tell us that this 06:02 initial response is critical, 06:04 but eventually it resolves. 06:07 It's also true 06:09 that grief impacts the body. 06:12 You may experience 06:13 decreased pleasure. 06:15 The physical senses like 06:17 taste, touch, sight, 06:19 are no longer enjoyable. 06:21 Food may seem tasteless 06:24 and this and the stress response 06:25 can lead to the loss of 06:27 appetite. 06:28 This is because 06:29 the stress response to loss 06:31 slows digestion and diverts 06:33 energy to survival responses, 06:36 and it's very common 06:37 for the bereaved to lose weight 06:40 and to struggle to eat 06:42 after loss. 06:43 Yet it's not one size fits all 06:46 because for some people, 06:48 the strain of experiencing loss 06:51 can lead them to overeat 06:53 and to gain weight. 06:54 Every person's journey through 06:56 living with loss is unique. 06:58 We do not all grieve 07:00 in the same way. 07:01 Personally, after the loss 07:03 of my eldest brother, 07:04 I certainly did not want 07:06 to go on living. 07:08 I felt numb. 07:10 I remember how my grandmother 07:12 was cooking and I looked up 07:14 at her through heavy eyes 07:16 and I wondered why. 07:17 Why are you cooking? 07:19 Who wants to eat? 07:21 I had lost my appetite for food, 07:24 for living, really. 07:27 Suffering people need to be able 07:29 to weep and to pour out their 07:30 hearts, and not to immediately 07:33 be shut down by being told 07:36 what to do. 07:38 I've heard people say, 07:40 "I think it's time to get on 07:42 with life now." 07:44 Nor should we do that 07:45 to ourselves 07:47 if we are grieving. 07:48 Joseph Bayly 07:49 lost three sons 07:51 at various times in his life. 07:53 Imagine how painful 07:55 that must have been 07:56 losing three of his children. 07:58 I can't even imagine. 08:00 Bayly wrote about his grief in 08:03 "The View from a Hearse." 08:05 He wrote... 08:58 Experiencing a momentous loss 09:01 truly affects the human heart. 09:03 Acute grief can 09:04 stun the heart 09:06 and cause a condition known as 09:08 broken heart syndrome. 09:09 Some people believe that 09:10 that's what Jesus went through 09:11 on the cross. 09:12 The intense emotions 09:14 and the adrenaline 09:15 from the stress response 09:17 can cause the heart to 09:18 physically swell 09:20 and take an abnormal shape. 09:23 The heart speeds up 09:25 and this can cause 09:26 physical strain on the heart. 09:29 For most people 09:30 going through grief, 09:32 their heart can handle it. 09:35 But for people over 09:36 the age of 65, there is a 09:38 21 times greater chance 09:40 of a heart attack the day after 09:42 the loss of a spouse. 09:45 I think of the patriarch Job 09:46 in the Bible. 09:47 In the first chapter of 09:49 the book of Job, when Job 09:51 first gets all 09:53 the bad news, 09:54 a flood of major losses, 09:56 the death of his children, 09:58 seven sons and three daughters, 10:00 and the loss of his livestock 10:02 and his entire estate. 10:04 We are told that Job got up, 10:06 tore his robe 10:07 and then fell to the ground. 10:08 Clearly Job's body, his mind 10:11 and his heart 10:12 were wounded by such a severe 10:14 series of devastating losses. 10:18 This faithful, godly, 10:21 good man, 10:22 in the day of 10:24 his affliction and darkness, 10:26 cried out to God... 10:58 The Bible describes Job's 11:00 deep sorrow and anguish, 11:02 his expression of intense grief, 11:05 and his sense of suffering 11:07 after losing his children, 11:08 his health and his wealth. 11:10 This level of mourning and pain 11:13 often produces tears. 11:16 And might─ one might well ask, 11:18 Well, that's not very hopeful. 11:20 Sorrow, sadness, and tears. 11:23 True. 11:24 However, you may 11:26 or may not know this, 11:27 but tears are healing. 11:30 It's really common 11:31 for people to cry, to scream, 11:34 to sob, as part of 11:36 the grieving process. 11:37 Even animals like elephants 11:39 shed tears when 11:41 they are experiencing grief. 11:45 Now, there are three 11:47 chemically different types of 11:49 tears, basal tears, which 11:50 are the regular moistening 11:52 for your eyes, which happens 11:53 throughout the day. 11:54 Reflex tears, which happen when 11:57 there's an irritant like 11:59 dust in the air or 12:00 you cut an onion. 12:01 And then there's 12:02 emotional tears, which, 12:04 besides removing toxins 12:06 from your body, actually contain 12:08 protein-based stress hormones, 12:11 one of which is enkephalins. 12:14 Enkephalins are a 12:15 type of endorphin 12:17 that act as 12:19 natural pain killers. 12:22 They are found in 12:23 emotional tears, contributing to 12:25 the relief of physical 12:27 and emotional pain. 12:28 So the biochemical 12:30 composition of tears 12:32 is actually healthy 12:34 and healing on a physical 12:36 and emotional level. 12:38 I tell you this to say that 12:39 crying is good for you. 12:41 It's healthy and healing. 12:43 Unfortunately, many of us 12:45 are afraid to cry 12:47 or to show our sadness, 12:48 especially in public. 12:50 Well, I get that. 12:52 Yet I just want you to know 12:55 that it's okay to lean into 12:57 your sadness and to let 12:59 the tears flow 13:01 if at any time you are hit 13:04 by an unexpected wave of sorrow 13:06 because suppressing feelings 13:09 just doesn't work 13:10 in the long run, you... 13:13 ...can think of grief 13:14 as being like 13:16 the waves of an ocean. 13:17 Imagine standing on the shore 13:19 of a vast ocean. 13:21 At times the waves are gentle 13:23 and they are lapping softly 13:26 at your feet. 13:27 These represent moments 13:29 when you feel a sense of calm 13:32 or acceptance, allowing you to 13:34 cherish fond memories 13:36 of your loved one. 13:38 Oftentimes, the waves crash 13:40 violently against the shore. 13:43 These overwhelming waves 13:45 symbolize the intense pain 13:47 and sadness that can 13:49 suddenly engulf you. 13:51 Pulling you under and making it 13:53 hard to breathe. 13:55 As time passes, you notice that 13:58 the intensity of the waves 13:59 varies. 14:01 Some days they are 14:03 small and manageable, 14:04 while other days 14:06 they can be huge and 14:08 unpredictable. 14:10 You may feel momentarily lost. 14:13 But over time you learn to 14:15 navigate these waves of sadness 14:18 and sorrow. 14:19 Eventually, as you adjust 14:21 to the rhythm of the ocean, 14:23 you discover that even through 14:25 the waves of grief, 14:28 and they come and go, 14:30 they help you to grow stronger 14:32 and more resilient, 14:34 teaching you to appreciate 14:36 both the calm and the storm. 14:38 Like the tides, 14:39 grief can ebb and flow, 14:41 transforming over time 14:43 while staying a part 14:46 of your journey. 14:49 There isn't a time limit 14:50 on mourning, but there is 14:52 a big difference between 14:54 working through stuff and 14:55 not working through stuff, 14:56 like stuffing your feelings 14:59 instead of leaning into 15:02 your feelings. 15:03 People who process their grief 15:06 allow themselves to 15:07 face the pain, 15:08 even in small doses. 15:11 They address their feelings. 15:14 They may write them down 15:16 or talk about them. 15:17 They may meditate on the Psalms 15:20 or pray through their memories 15:22 and their feelings 15:24 of loss. 15:25 Or they may surround themselves 15:27 with supportive people 15:29 who allow them to grieve 15:30 without judgment. 15:33 Grief can also be 15:34 physically exhausting. 15:36 So I urge you to take time to 15:38 maintain a level of self-care, 15:41 whether it's eating well, 15:43 getting rest. 15:44 Make sure you get enough rest 15:46 and exercise. 15:47 Go outside and then meditate 15:49 on the Bible passages and pray. 15:52 Small steps really do matter. 15:55 On the other hand, when someone 15:57 doesn't work through their pain, 15:59 they try to distract themselves 16:02 by keeping themselves busy and 16:04 developing compulsive behaviours 16:07 This can look like 16:09 different things over time. 16:10 Overeating or under eating. 16:12 Excessive spending. 16:14 Addiction to distraction. 16:16 You know what it's like. 16:17 Just endless Netflix binges 16:20 and social media scrolling. 16:22 And of course, substance abuse. 16:25 They desperately avoid 16:26 their pain, which 16:28 in the long run 16:29 often leads 16:31 to more pain. 16:33 I can so identify with 16:35 the Bible story of Job. 16:37 After a series of losses, 16:39 he did not want to go on. 16:41 However, even though 16:42 he was tired of living, 16:45 Job was not allowed to die. 16:49 He had experienced 16:51 intense loss, and yet God 16:53 had a plan for Job's future. 16:56 A future of living with loss, 16:58 yes, but also 17:00 a bright future 17:02 filled with hope and joy. 17:04 Listen to God's message 17:06 to the discouraged Job. 17:43 I so identify with 17:45 the feelings of fear that Job 17:47 might have had. 17:49 I was afraid of receiving 17:51 another phone call 17:52 telling me that someone else 17:54 that I had loved had died. 17:57 But the Lord has a way 17:58 of leading you when you are 18:01 going through the valley of the 18:02 shadow of death. 18:05 You fear no evil, 18:07 because, as the Bible says, 18:09 "Thou art with me." 18:10 Not that there are─ 18:12 there's no evil and no death 18:14 in that valley, but because 18:16 He is with you, 18:18 your fears subside. 18:21 From deep despair, 18:22 Job arose to the heights 18:25 of unwavering faith 18:26 in God's mercy 18:28 and saving grace. 18:30 He boldly proclaimed... 19:06 By listening to God 19:07 speaking to him while he was 19:08 living with loss, 19:10 Job found hope. 19:12 Sound strange? 19:14 How can you find hope 19:15 while you are living with loss? 19:17 The loss of your children, 19:18 the loss of your wealth and the 19:20 loss of your health. 19:22 Good questions. 19:23 It's when we grieve the loss 19:26 of a child, as Job did, 19:29 or the loss of 19:30 another loved one, 19:31 that you see how loss 19:33 has a peculiar way to it, 19:36 because it alters 19:37 the relationship that we have 19:39 with the person who died, 19:41 and their absence alters us 19:44 for the rest of our life. 19:47 However, how that 19:49 altering affects us 19:51 really is completely 19:52 in our hands. 19:53 Do I want to be a healthy, 19:55 robust, resilient griever 19:57 who lives my life fully 20:00 to honour the life of the person 20:02 that was important to me? 20:04 Or am I going to 20:06 identify myself, my life, 20:08 as the consummate griever, 20:10 saying, "I am grieving, 20:12 I will always grieve, 20:13 I will never─ it will never 20:15 go away. 20:16 It will never get better." 20:19 This was me when I lost 20:21 my mother and my two brothers. 20:22 It may seem strange, but 20:24 I wanted to hold on to the pain, 20:26 the anger, the frustration, 20:28 the fear, the anxieties of grief 20:31 as an identity. 20:34 Because as long as I am 20:35 identified as that griever, 20:37 it feels like I am keeping 20:39 my loved one with me. 20:42 It feels like my loved one 20:44 is not so far away or absent. 20:48 I lived with this 20:50 misunderstanding that 20:53 to heal and to go on living 20:56 means to dishonour my loved one. 21:00 If I was to heal, 21:02 I would have to forget them. 21:04 And I couldn't do that. 21:06 I felt trapped. 21:08 And that was my only paradigm. 21:12 But it was tragic 21:13 because by identifying with 21:15 my pain of loss, 21:17 I was missing out on the life 21:19 that was available to me 21:22 while I was grieving. 21:24 For some, living like that 21:27 can go on and on for years 21:29 and years and years, but 21:30 I want to let you know 21:32 that God wants to give you 21:34 a new identity. 21:35 He wants to give you permission, 21:37 as he did to Job, 21:39 to let go of 21:40 that identity. 21:42 You can still honour 21:43 your loved one without having 21:46 to take on the burden of 21:48 holding on to a dark future, 21:51 without any hope, 21:52 without any joy. 21:53 So here's what I misunderstood. 21:57 I didn't understand that 21:58 my love for 22:00 the people I lost 22:01 is never going to go away. 22:04 Even though I engage 22:06 in my life. 22:07 Jesus was described as being 22:10 a man of sorrows 22:11 and acquainted with grief, 22:13 and yet He also 22:15 came to bring us joy. 22:18 He described His mission... 22:19 He described His mission... 22:29 So how can we have both 22:32 grief and joy? 22:34 The answer lies in embracing 22:37 the person of Jesus. 22:38 Let me explain. 22:40 In both the Old and 22:41 the New Testaments, it is said 22:43 of Jesus, a bruised reed 22:46 he will not break, 22:47 and a smouldering wick 22:50 he will not snuff out. 22:52 The Hebrew word translated 22:54 "bruised," does not mean 22:56 a minor injury. 22:58 It denotes a deep contusion 23:01 that destroys a vital 23:03 internal organ. 23:04 In other words, a death blow. 23:08 If applied to a person, 23:10 it means an injury 23:11 that doesn't show 23:13 on the surface, but that is 23:15 nonetheless fatal. 23:17 When it refers to 23:18 a bruised reed, it means 23:20 a stock of grain that has been 23:23 crushed at an angle. 23:26 Not into pieces, 23:28 but because it has been 23:30 broken in this way, 23:31 it is never going to 23:33 produce grain. 23:35 And yet Jesus does what 23:38 no one else can do. 23:39 He can heal it 23:41 so it produces grain again. 23:44 This means that Jesus Christ, 23:46 our Saviour, is attracted to 23:48 people who are broken 23:51 and feel hopeless. 23:53 He cares for the fragile. 23:55 He loves people who are 23:58 beaten and battered and bruised. 24:01 They may not show it 24:02 on the outside, but inside 24:05 they are dying. 24:07 Jesus sees all the way 24:08 into the heart and He knows 24:10 what to do. 24:12 The Lord binds up 24:13 the broken hearted 24:14 and He heals our wounds. 24:16 It is the gentleness 24:18 of our Saviour 24:19 that binds up our wounds. 24:21 And here's what 24:22 I have discovered. 24:24 Jesus has changed my eyesight. 24:27 Through my own experience 24:28 of living with loss, 24:29 I have acquired a sensitivity 24:31 to see hurting people 24:34 and a desire to want to 24:36 comfort them in their sorrows. 24:39 Many times people will 24:40 say to me, "But I don't want to 24:43 burden you with my sorrows." 24:44 And I tell them that it really 24:47 is no burden at all. 24:49 We are fellow travellers 24:51 through this wasteland. 24:53 And you know what? 24:54 This is where the true joy 24:57 is found, in comforting those 24:59 who are sorrowing, 25:01 in service to those 25:03 who are also 25:04 living with loss. 25:08 ♪ Be my vision ♪ 25:11 ♪ Oh Lord of my heart ♪ 25:16 ♪ Naught be all else to me ♪ 25:20 ♪ Save that Thou art ♪ 25:24 ♪ Thou my best thought ♪ 25:27 ♪ by day or by night ♪ 25:32 ♪ Waking or sleeping ♪ 25:35 ♪ Thy presence my light ♪ 25:40 [orchestral interlude] 25:43 ♪♪ 25:49 ♪ Be Thou my wisdom ♪ 25:52 ♪ Be Thou my true Word ♪ 25:56 ♪ I ever with Thee ♪ 26:00 ♪ and Thou with me, Lord ♪ 26:04 ♪ Thou my great Father ♪ 26:09 ♪ I Thy true son ♪ 26:13 ♪ Thou in me dwelling ♪ 26:17 ♪ and I with Thee one ♪ 26:23 ♪ Riches I heed not ♪ 26:26 ♪ nor manmpty praise ♪ 26:31 ♪ Thou mine inheritance ♪ 26:35 ♪ now and always ♪ 26:39 ♪ Thou and Thou only ♪ 26:43 ♪ first in my heart ♪ 26:48 ♪ High King of heaven ♪ 26:51 ♪ my treasure Thou art ♪ 26:57 ♪♪ 27:02 ♪ Be my vision ♪ 27:08 ♪ Be my vision ♪ 27:15 ♪ Oh Ruler ♪ 27:22 ♪ of all ♪ 27:39 >> Friends, grief does hurt. 27:41 It's painful. 27:42 And you're going to 27:43 experience it sooner or later. 27:45 If you have more questions 27:47 and are struggling to deal 27:49 with this grief, I want to 27:51 send you our free offer, 27:53 Coping With Grief. 27:56 What should you do 27:57 when grief strikes 27:58 close to home? 28:00 Contact us to receive 28:02 this practical guide 28:03 and discover how to move 28:06 from grief to hope. 28:09 Friends, if you want to discover 28:11 how to live like Jesus 28:14 with a heart filled 28:16 to overflowing with joy 28:17 and gratitude to God, 28:19 even in the midst of your 28:20 sorrows and pain, 28:22 I recommend that you daily 28:23 open the Bible, the world's 28:25 number one selling best book 28:28 of all times, the Bible, 28:31 where it is recorded that 28:32 Jesus Himself declared... 28:43 [gentle music] 28:46 ♪♪ |
Revised 2025-04-02