Participants:
Series Code: LAC
Program Code: LAC180011A
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00:01 I sat in the waiting room of the abortion clinic,
00:02 knowing I was violating everything I believed in 00:04 by being here. 00:06 But I didn't know what to do. 00:07 I felt I had no choice. 00:09 The baby's father was my high school teacher. 00:12 Join me today on Life After Choice 00:13 to hear the rest of my story. 00:30 My name is Grace. Welcome to Life After Choice. 00:33 My story starts when I was in high school. 00:36 I grew up in a nice Christian home, 00:37 both my parents worked for the church. 00:39 I had a rock-solid faith in God. 00:42 But all of that started to change 00:43 when my favorite teacher in high school 00:45 asked me to be his aid during my free period. 00:47 He's been a mentor to me for many years. 00:49 We were very close. 00:51 So I was happy to say, yes. 00:53 I started staying late after school 00:54 to help him grade papers and make photocopies. 00:57 I enjoyed it because it gave us more time together to talk. 01:00 He had a way of making me feel heard and understood, 01:03 and I started sharing more and more of my heart 01:05 until eventually, I had shared it all. 01:09 I had fallen in love with him. 01:11 Now having a crush on your teacher 01:13 is similar to having a crush on a celebrity. 01:15 You idolize them, you look up to them, 01:18 you know, they're out of your league, 01:19 and you definitely don't think anything will come of it, so. 01:22 When he confessed he had feelings for me, 01:25 I couldn't have been more shocked and excited, 01:26 if Brad Pitt himself had to confess 01:28 his undying love. 01:32 After that, we began dating in secret. 01:34 He took me for rides and fancy dates 01:36 on his Mercedes Benz, 01:37 and whisked me away on his motorcycle. 01:41 He made me feel as if I were a princess 01:43 and I thought he was my prince charming. 01:47 He quickly became more to me than just my teacher. 01:50 He had become my everything. 01:53 Many times over the years, I had discussed with him, 01:55 my decision to wait till marriage to have sex. 01:57 And he always told me that he was proud of me 02:01 because not many girls my age cared about that sort of thing. 02:04 But Mr. Everything was 33, and I was 18. 02:09 And he was much more experienced 02:10 in the romance department than I was. 02:12 I hadn't even had a boyfriend before. 02:14 And so when it came to sex, 02:16 I figured it was more of a matter 02:17 of when it would happen than a matter of if. 02:20 It didn't take long for me to realize that 02:23 we weren't equals he and I. 02:25 I was used to having to raise my hand 02:27 and ask permission to go to the bathroom. 02:29 So when it... 02:31 Now that we were technically in a relationship, 02:33 was I still supposed to call him Mr. 02:35 or could I call him by his first name? 02:38 I became acutely aware of my inferiority to him. 02:41 And my greatest fear was that one day 02:43 he'd wake up and realize it too. 02:45 His love for me made me feel as if I were a woman. 02:48 I couldn't bear for him 02:49 to think of me as a little girl. 02:51 And then it happened. 02:53 A day I'll never forget. 02:55 January 7, 2011, the day everything changed. 02:59 My parents were out of town and so Mr. Everything 03:02 came over to my house to stay the night. 03:05 I was wearing my purity ring, 03:06 but that didn't stop me from losing my virginity 03:08 on my little mermaid bunk beds. 03:11 Now I know most people who hear the story 03:13 are likely to wanna put 03:14 100% of the blame on my teacher. 03:17 But I knew what I was doing. 03:19 I wasn't afraid that if I said no, 03:21 that he would fail me and... 03:23 Or he never forced me to do anything. 03:26 This isn't, you know, to excuse his part in it, 03:28 but I was also responsible. 03:31 The fact is, 03:33 I had made him more important than anything else. 03:35 I had allowed him to become my everything. 03:38 He had taken the place of God in my life. 03:41 And so when it came down to choosing 03:43 between sticking to my faith, 03:45 and the possibility of losing him, 03:48 I caved. 03:49 Now, January gets pretty cold where I'm from, 03:53 and I started feeling a bit under the weather. 03:55 After several weeks, 03:58 I came down with a full blown case of the flu. 04:00 At least, I thought it was the flu. 04:03 I was lethargic, I was nauseous, 04:05 I couldn't eat anything. 04:07 Mr. Everything was starting to get a little concerned 04:10 and suggested that I take a pregnancy test. 04:12 I couldn't believe it 04:14 when I stared down on the pink little plus sign, 04:15 which told me that I did not have the flu. 04:18 Pregnant? 04:20 How could this happen? 04:21 I didn't know anything about pregnancy. 04:23 I don't even know what a cervix was, 04:24 until I started taking anatomy in college. 04:28 Obviously, my first reaction was panic, 04:30 but then I realized maybe this wasn't so bad. 04:34 Mr. Everything said that he loved me. 04:36 I dreamed of us getting married and starting a family. 04:39 I started picking out baby names. 04:40 I wonder if it would be a boy or girl. 04:43 I started getting a little bit excited, actually. 04:47 Obviously, Mr. Everything wasn't exactly thrilled. 04:50 Immediately, his first reaction was 04:52 that we just need to get the baby taken care of. 04:55 "Taken care of?" I asked. 04:57 "What do you mean?" 04:58 He said, "Well, obviously we can't keep it. 05:01 People will find out. 05:02 I'll lose my job, I might even go to jail 05:04 and then we'll never get to be together." 05:07 He promised me that after I graduated, 05:09 we will get married and then he would give me all the babies 05:12 that I wanted to make up for this one. 05:14 As far as he was concerned, it already been decided. 05:17 We were not having this baby. 05:20 All my life, I believe that 05:22 life begins at conception and has inherent value, 05:25 and then having an abortion 05:26 is morally equivalent to murder. 05:29 I could have put my foot down and refused, but I didn't. 05:32 I was afraid of losing him. 05:35 And so for the second time, 05:37 bowing to the idol that he had become, 05:39 I caved. 05:41 In order to stay alive, 05:42 the relationship demanded yet another sacrifice, 05:45 this time the life of my firstborn. 05:50 So instead of walking down the aisle on my white dress, 05:53 I found myself walking through the doors of abortion clinic. 05:56 How had I gotten here? 05:58 I was numb. 06:00 I remember praying that 06:01 there would be pro-life protesters there that day 06:03 blocking the way, but they weren't. 06:06 I sat down with the doctors, he explained the procedure, 06:09 but didn't answer any of my questions. 06:11 Will the baby feel it? 06:13 Would I ever be able to have kids again? 06:15 And was it too late to back out. 06:25 Next came the news 06:26 that the anesthesiologist wasn't there that day, 06:28 and so they wouldn't be able to put me under. 06:31 But Mr. Everything said that we had to do it today 06:33 because we had both skip school to be here. 06:35 So the doctor had no choice but to go through the procedure 06:38 using conscious sedation. 06:40 I was awake the whole time. 06:42 I could still feel everything that was happening, 06:45 and I could still hear all the noises. 06:49 I wondered how my life had turned into such a nightmare 06:51 and how long until I would wake up. 06:55 After that, nothing was the same. 06:57 Mr. Everything pulled away from me. 06:59 He said there is too much suspicion 07:01 going around at school 07:02 and people were starting to ask questions, 07:04 and he didn't want to risk exposure. 07:06 But I already felt exposed. 07:08 I felt like I had the word murder 07:10 all written across my forehead and then everyone can see it. 07:14 The immensity of my loss, hit me like a semi. 07:17 I had lost not only my virginity, 07:20 but the baby, and now Mr. Everything. 07:24 I had fallen so far. 07:26 And I was all alone. 07:29 Now, graduation came and went, 07:30 and it was time to start college. 07:34 I started school at a public university. 07:36 And I saw how other kids on campus 07:38 would go to parties, get drunk, hook up, 07:42 and they were having a great time. 07:43 They didn't seem to be suffering from guilt 07:45 the way that I was. 07:46 It wasn't fair. 07:48 How can they get to do whatever they wanted 07:49 and not feel bad about it? 07:51 And I had to suffer like this. 07:53 I started to think that 07:54 maybe if I wasn't a Christian anymore, 07:56 then I wouldn't have to carry around this, 07:58 this weight of guilt and shame. 08:01 I already felt that God had turned His back on me. 08:03 How could He look at me in what I have done 08:06 and not be disappointed? 08:08 I couldn't help but think of those verses in the Bible 08:10 that say that God hates those whose hand shed innocent blood, 08:14 and that it was better for someone 08:15 to tie a millstone around their neck 08:17 and throw themselves into the sea, 08:18 then to cause one of these little ones to stumble. 08:22 And I knew that those verses were talking about me. 08:26 I felt like I had committed the unpardonable sin. 08:29 And my guilt and shame weighed so heavily upon me 08:32 that it was difficult to breathe. 08:35 Now what I couldn't see, 08:37 was how God was working behind the scenes, 08:39 setting up a chain of events in order to rescue me. 08:41 Right about the time I was about to walk away from God, 08:43 all together, I got the opportunity 08:45 to transfer from the public university 08:46 I was currently attending 08:48 to Southern Adventist University. 08:49 Southern decided to host a Purity Emphasis Week 08:52 and I knew that I would not be attending. 08:54 The last thing I needed was to be preached that 08:56 reminded how your virginity is a special gift 08:58 you can only give once to your husband. 09:00 Not lot of good that did me then. 09:03 But I felt something compelling me to go anyways, 09:06 and so not without knowing why I went. 09:08 A lady by the name of Sue Moore from Forgiven Much Ministries 09:11 was the speaker for the evening. 09:13 She didn't go up there and talk about 09:14 how we all need to do better job 09:16 of being like the Proverbs 31 woman, 09:18 instead, she said that 09:20 we as a church need to start getting comfortable 09:21 with uncomfortable topics, 09:23 and she simply told her story. 09:25 Her story was raw, messy and unedited. 09:28 It was exactly what I needed to hear. 09:30 Her vulnerability and authenticity stunned me. 09:33 How was she able to go up in front of all these people 09:35 and share the story of her shame 09:37 while emanating such an aura of peace? 09:39 After the service, 09:41 I found myself walking up to the front 09:42 where Sue was and I collapsed into her arms, 09:44 a complete stranger and told her my whole story. 09:48 And she listened. 09:49 She connected me with a special group on campus 09:52 that focused on sexual healing. 09:54 The group leader's name was Brandy Kierstone, 09:56 and she became a spiritual guide 09:58 and mentor to me. 10:00 Brandy went online and found out about 10:02 this special women's retreat that was for women 10:05 who have experienced an abortion 10:06 and were looking for healing. 10:07 And God knew how much I needed him 10:10 to intervene on my behalf. 10:12 He was chasing after me hard, but I just didn't know it yet. 10:16 Randomly, one day the coordinators of the retreat 10:18 called me up and told me 10:19 they had found an anonymous donor 10:20 who would sponsor me to go to the retreat 10:22 free of charge. 10:23 All expenses paid, and so I went. 10:25 When I got there, 10:27 I joined a handful of other women 10:28 of all ages and backgrounds. 10:30 But we were all there for the same reason. 10:33 Immediately upon arrival, they gave each of us a rock, 10:37 about this big 10:38 and said that for the duration of the retreat, 10:40 we were to take this with us wherever we went, 10:42 whether it be it's the bathroom, to meals, 10:45 to shower, or even to sleep, 10:47 we were to take it with us always, 10:48 to represent the burden of shame 10:50 that we have been carrying. 10:52 And for the first time my burden became real to me. 10:55 It was a tangible experience of how incapacitating it was 10:58 to have to carry this around with me all the time. 11:03 And during that retreat, 11:04 I opened up the Bible 11:05 for the first time in a long time. 11:07 And I came across the story of Abraham, 11:09 when God asked him to give up his son, Isaac. 11:11 I can't imagine how hard that must have been for Abraham. 11:14 I know what the pain of losing a child is like, 11:16 especially at your own hand. 11:19 But Abraham obeyed, he took his son 11:21 and built an altar and on that altar, 11:24 Abraham was willing and ready to let his son go. 11:27 But God's not abandoned him to his pain. 11:30 He provided a way out. 11:32 You know, I've heard this story many times. 11:35 But in this moment, 11:36 I knew that God was talking to me. 11:38 God could see how the pain of losing my childhood 11:40 had been destroying me 11:42 and he was ready to take that pain away. 11:44 God was asking me to surrender my child to Him, 11:47 so that He could provide my way out. 11:50 Jeremiah 31:3-4, says, 11:53 "God appeared to them from a far, 11:55 saying, 'I have loved you with an everlasting love. 11:58 I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. 12:01 I will build you up again 12:02 and you virgin Israel will be rebuilt. 12:05 Again, you'll take up your tambourines 12:07 and go out and dance among the joyful.'" 12:10 The Bible says that God appeared to them from afar, 12:13 meaning that they weren't close to God, 12:16 but He was reaching out to them anyways. 12:18 God here was addressing the nation of Israel, 12:21 and they were supposed to be God's chosen people. 12:23 But they had spat in His face, 12:26 they had cheated on Him with other gods. 12:28 They had prostituted themselves. 12:30 But what did God call them? 12:32 He called them virgins. 12:34 And God doesn't stop there. 12:36 He promises to rebuild them, 12:38 because He loved them too much 12:40 to leave them in their broken state. 12:42 And this verse is not just for the Israelites, 12:45 this verse is for me. 12:46 This is what God thinks about me. 12:48 When God sees me, He does not see me as broken, 12:52 used and disposable. 12:54 He sees me as Virgin Grace. 12:57 And He promises to rebuild me, 12:59 so that I too may rejoin the joyful. 13:04 I felt God's healing arms wrapped around me. 13:07 And I knew that I was ready for Him to heal me. 13:10 So I took my rock, 13:12 which had been symbolizing my pain and shame. 13:16 And I used it to build an altar of my own. 13:20 To represent God's promise that 13:22 He was able to provide my way out. 13:31 He was able to provide my way out. 13:36 For the first time, 13:37 I was able to lay down my burden and breathe freely, 13:41 knowing that there is such a thing 13:43 as life after choice. 13:45 That doesn't mean 13:46 that my choices don't have consequences. 13:48 I will regret the choices that I made 13:51 for the rest of my life until the day I die. 13:54 I will never know what my child would have been like. 13:57 I will never get to watch him grow up. 13:59 And I will never get the chance to kiss him good night. 14:03 But because of Jesus and what He's done, 14:06 I don't have to suffer for that choice, 14:07 until the day I die. 14:09 My guilt and shame 14:12 lead so heavily upon me and I felt as if I had died, 14:16 but I was given another chance at new life. 14:20 So this is me. 14:21 This is Grace, reborn. |
Revised 2019-04-15