Living to Be Well

Starting Over

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

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Series Code: LTBW

Program Code: LTBW000003A


00:35 Hi, I'm Dr Kim and welcome to "Live to be Well."
00:39 It's not always easy starting over, but my guest today
00:44 has a wonderful journey in how
00:47 God has brought his life complete and I would
00:50 like for you to meet him.
00:51 Welcome Elder Clarence Martin. Thank you
00:54 Thank you for being on "Live to be Well,"
00:56 how are you? I'm doing great!
00:58 Ohh, you look great. I'm doing great.
01:01 Well listen, let's talk about how God led your life
01:05 here to America - can we go back to your childhood?
01:08 Yeah... Many, many years ago when I finished high school,
01:13 I had a cousin who taught at Hampton University,
01:17 and so he encouraged me to attend Hampton University...
01:21 And so I went there and graduated with a
01:25 bachelor's degree in chemistry and math. Wow!
01:29 And from there, I went to graduate school
01:32 at the University of Delaware and did a master's in
01:35 mechanical engineering. Is that right?
01:38 And I was going further, but I was married. Okay...
01:42 So I said, "What's important, me getting a PhD
01:46 or taking care of my kids?" Hmm
01:49 And so I decided not to pursue a doctorate at that point,
01:55 but go to work and take care of my kids,
01:57 and I had other issues to deal with.
01:59 How many children?
02:01 I have two sons.
02:03 Okay and what are their professions now?
02:06 The first one, he's an engineer and he has his own business.
02:09 He's an automotive supplier in Michigan. All right.
02:12 And my second son is a pediatric surgeon in Birmingham, Alabama.
02:19 Okay...So they followed the path of academia.
02:22 Oh, they couldn't do any less, I would hold them accountable.
02:26 You would hold them accountable.
02:28 Well during this time, how long were you married
02:32 in your first marriage?
02:33 I was married for 29 years.
02:35 Twenty-nine years and what happened?
02:37 Well, around 28 years of marriage, she was in New York
02:42 visiting her family and she called and said that
02:45 she wasn't feeling well. Yes...
02:46 I said, "OH, you probably have the flu - when you get
02:50 back home, we'll go to the doctor."
02:53 So she got back home and we went to the doctor,
02:56 and he did all kinds of tests and they kept her
03:00 in the hospital.
03:01 And I said, "Why aren't they giving you some medicine?"
03:05 She said, Hmm, I'm not quite sure."
03:09 And they released her and then she later told me...
03:13 She didn't want me to know all the details yet.
03:16 She said, "The doctor felt that she had some sort of cancer."
03:21 And that progressed for a year and she continued to work.
03:25 She did? Yes.
03:27 What was your first wife's name?
03:28 Her name was "Cleopatra." Cleopatra!
03:30 Cleopatra - everyone called her "Cleo." Okay
03:35 And she was a great, great Christian woman.
03:39 The woman that you marry when you're young;
03:42 the woman who bears your children;
03:45 the woman who made sacrifices for you;
03:50 you just can't forget that. Um hm...
03:53 And so, we had a great, great marriage. Um hm
03:57 We probably would have been married today
03:59 if she was still alive and that would have been 47 years.
04:03 Is that right? Yeah
04:05 So she progressed...
04:09 She progressed and she died within a year.
04:14 Well they did all kinds of tests.
04:17 They could not find the tumor and they said,
04:20 "In about 5% of the cases that they really can't find the tumor
04:24 but it manifested itself in her lungs." Really?
04:27 So her lungs would fill with fluid and we would take her
04:31 to the hospital and they would withdraw the fluid
04:34 from her lungs and she would feel better. Yes, yes, yes.
04:37 And the doctor said to me one day, "Clarence, if the fluid
04:41 ever gets into her second lung, I can tell you
04:44 the end is near. Really?
04:46 The fluid went to her second lung too.
04:50 And, from that time till her death,
04:53 it was probably about two months.
04:56 Two months. How old was she?
04:58 She was 52. So young, so young.
05:02 How old were your children at the time, do you remember?
05:04 Well, my older would have been 24. Okay, all right.
05:11 And the younger had just finished going to graduate
05:14 school, so he would have been 22.
05:15 Twenty-two, all right.
05:17 So you went through that entire process with your wife
05:21 by her side. Yes.
05:22 But something happened, your life took a turn.
05:26 You started over... Tell us about that.
05:28 Well, she died and it was interesting that people
05:36 were looking at me to see whether I would express
05:41 deep sorrow - the sorrow was in my heart. Yes
05:45 I never expressed - maybe it's a man-thing, never expressed,
05:49 never cried.
05:51 My youngest son cried at the funeral - a little bit,
05:56 but my son, who is now a doctor, he didn't.
05:58 He did not.
05:59 And, it was sort of strange... I said, how can I reach out
06:04 to my sons?
06:08 But who is going to reach out to me?
06:10 But because my youngest son was in medical school,
06:14 I wanted to keep him balanced. Yes
06:17 Because since he was 4, he wanted to be a doctor.
06:20 He wanted to be a doctor.
06:22 I said, I would give up everything to make sure
06:25 that he fulfills his dream. Yes
06:27 So we went through the process and he graduated.
06:31 You know lots - many black or many people period
06:35 can't get into medical school. Right
06:37 He was accepted into three medical schools.
06:39 Three! Oh, that's amazing.
06:41 I remember when I used to take him to the interviews...
06:44 He said, "Dad, you always taking me around when I
06:47 go to college."
06:49 But what I was doing, I was actually interviewing him.
06:52 That's right, that's right.
06:53 Interviewing him and to make sure that he is ready
06:56 for the interview. Yes, yes.
06:58 And so that worked out pretty good.
07:01 So my wife died and it's interesting,
07:05 I didn't cry in public and the world is going to know now
07:11 what really happened to me. Okay...
07:14 I would drive to work and on my way to work,
07:17 I would come down on South..., you know where
07:20 South... is. Yes
07:21 About midway, I would just start crying in my car.
07:24 The windows were up and just 5 minutes before I go to work,
07:29 dry my tears - go to work, no one would know
07:32 that I was crying. Never knew...
07:34 On the way home, same thing and this happened
07:39 day after day, after day.
07:42 So I talked to a gentleman, I said, "You lost your wife,
07:47 this is what's happening to me." Yes
07:49 He said, "Clarence, the same thing happened to me."
07:53 Men hurt. Yes they do.
07:56 And I've talked to you when your husband died,
08:01 you know, people love you or express their love to you
08:07 when there is a funeral.
08:09 When do you really need love?
08:11 AFTER the funeral. AFTER...
08:14 So, you need to be reached out to. Yes.
08:17 AFTER the funeral.
08:18 And a friend of mine, from, Delaware, he wrote
08:22 me a long letter... Um hm
08:24 Just expressing his thoughts and that was so important
08:28 to make sure that he stayed connected. Yes
08:30 God was preparing me for another reason. YES
08:33 Because He allowed me to minister to people
08:40 who have lost their spouses. Yes
08:41 Men who have lost their spouses. Yes.
08:43 And it was very important for me and one guy said,
08:46 "You know, when you talk to me, I know how you felt." Yes.
08:51 "I can believe you."
08:53 And so I've reached out to people.
08:55 So it's become a ministry?
08:56 Yes, it's a ministry for me.
08:59 THAT is a ministry and young people. Yes
09:02 You LOVE young people.
09:04 Yes, maybe because I want to be young. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:07 But I love to be around young people and, as you know,
09:12 I've been retired 7 years. Seven years.
09:16 And I decided that I'm not going to stay home and watch T.V.
09:21 I'm going to get involved!
09:23 So basically, what I've done, I volunteered
09:26 at Peterson-Warren Academy for 7 years and I told them,
09:30 "I'm going to volunteer, I don't want one penny from you.
09:34 I drive 20 miles each way to work..."
09:37 I don't want anything to be...
09:39 No, nothing, no compensation. No compensation!
09:41 I'm doing it because God loves me.
09:44 He wants me to give back because I'm so concerned about
09:48 our young, black brothers. Yes
09:51 Some of them come from homes who don't have a father,
09:55 and they're looking for guidance. Yes
09:58 They're looking for love.
09:59 And, I've extended myself to so many... Yes, you have.
10:03 In fact I said, "Man, I'm gonna become bankrupt."
10:07 Laughter... Helping all these children.
10:09 Because they always said, "Mr. Martin, Mr. Martin,
10:12 I need this, I need this." I said, "Okay."
10:15 And you did it.
10:16 Let me ask you, "How did you transition
10:19 from death to meeting your second wife?"
10:22 That was interesting, in fact, let me just go back...
10:28 My wife died the day after Thanksgiving in 1999. Wow
10:34 The last thing she did for the family was to
10:38 balance the checkbook.
10:40 She actually balanced the checkbook the
10:42 night before she died and the next morning,
10:45 about 6 o'clock, she was dead.
10:47 So that was the day after Thanksgiving,
10:49 and her funeral was December 1.
10:53 About 5 years later, no 5 days later, the telephone rang...
11:00 I was still at home, really hurting, and it was
11:04 my second wife on the line.
11:07 That was interesting, I said, "Lord, why would this woman
11:13 call me at my weakest point?" Um hm
11:16 It was 6 days after my wife was buried.
11:22 And I just sort of laughed, I had no idea
11:27 what was going to happen.
11:29 And we started talking and we finally reached the point
11:33 where I told her, "I'm not going to marry anyone."
11:37 You told her that? Yes, for 3 years.
11:39 Three years - you told her that?
11:42 I'm not going to marry. I loved my wife.
11:44 I have children, I was there to support my children.
11:49 And until they felt a little comfortable
11:52 that I would move in that direction.
11:54 If my children never felt comfortable,
11:57 I probably would have never
11:58 moved in that direction. Is that right?
11:59 And if they were young, it would have never happened. Okay
12:02 Because once you have children, that's the most important
12:06 part of your life. Yes it is.
12:08 ... To care of your children. That's right!
12:10 Anyway after a time it developed,
12:12 and we got married 3 years later.
12:14 So she taught in New York City, and I was living out here
12:18 still working, so she retired early.
12:23 So I moved to Michigan and I said, "Are you going to work?"
12:26 And she said, "Not really." Because she was
12:31 a special education teacher. All right
12:33 And I guess you get burned out very quickly.
12:36 So she never went back.
12:38 She never went back. That's right.
12:39 You knew your wife in your home in elementary,
12:44 middle school, high school?
12:45 You knew her from where? Where are you from?
12:48 We are from Antigua and we were
12:50 in kindergarten and church together.
12:52 And the interesting part of it is that I liked my wife in
12:56 high school...never told her.
12:58 You liked her... had a crush on her.
13:01 Yes! Okay... laughter
13:03 Never told her and so I went to one college
13:07 and she went to another college.
13:09 She went to Andrews... went to Caribbean Union
13:13 College in Trinidad and then to Andrews,
13:15 and she stayed until she got her master's at Andrews,
13:20 and I went to a different college and that's how
13:23 we got back together.
13:25 So tell me about your relationship starting over...
13:29 How long, you know you waited 3 years. I waited 3 years.
13:33 Three years, did you get criticism from your family
13:36 or were they supportive that you were dating and now
13:40 marrying and how did your sons feel?
13:42 My youngest son, I think he was more accepting.
13:51 My oldest son was very close to his mom,
13:54 so it took him a while. Yes
13:56 And about a year later, he said, "You know,"
14:00 to my current wife, he said, "You're a good mom." Ohh
14:03 Especially when we had our first grandchild. Yes
14:05 Because my wife is probably the greatest grandmother
14:09 that you could ever have. Yes
14:11 So she's a good grandmother to our grandchildren,
14:14 and I have six grandchildren. Six grandchildren! Yes, yes.
14:18 You are an elder in the "City Temple Seventh-day Adventist
14:21 Church." Yes
14:22 You play the organ, I mean, I did not know
14:27 you played the organ and beautifully!
14:29 I been playing since I was a teenager.
14:31 That just really... But I don't do it anymore.
14:34 You don't do it anymore. Not really.
14:36 Not really... And then you're very
14:39 involved with your grandchildren - Oh yes -
14:41 and you and Katie, you travel a lot... Yes
14:43 and you enjoy your life with her.
14:45 Now, how does God play a role in your marriage with Katie?
14:49 Because it's more than just being Seventh-day Adventist.
14:53 It's a relationship.
14:57 We support each other in our Christian life...
15:00 like this morning - we always start our morning with
15:04 devotion. You always start with devotion.
15:06 Devotion... and most men probably don't understand it,
15:09 but she has a women's ministry, a women's daily reading. Yes
15:14 And she reads it to me every day.
15:16 In fact, it should not be called "Women's Ministry" at all.
15:18 It should be "Christian Ministry,"
15:20 and then we do our Sabbath School Lesson.
15:22 Sabbath School Lesson.
15:23 And so she asks me questions and I ask her questions.
15:28 And I assist one of the elders in mid-day pray meeting
15:33 on Wednesday and that was good.
15:36 I know you have, over the years, encouraged Arthur and I
15:42 on "Dare to Dream," Friday night you'll be
15:45 watching "Dare to Dream," and on Sabbath you would say
15:48 "I was watching you all on "Dare to Dream."
15:50 I watch you quite a bit and all the people that you
15:54 interview and I did learn a lot.
16:00 I spend more... "Dare to Dream" is my favorite network.
16:04 Praise God! Favorite network! WHY is that?
16:07 Well, it builds my Christian relationship, it really does.
16:14 To see other people who have had struggles and who still
16:22 hold on to the Lord. Yes
16:24 And it's a good network.
16:27 And now they will hear your story
16:29 and hold on to the Lord. Yes, yes.
16:32 Let me ask you... You cook, you clean...
16:36 You're one of those, you know, Renaissance Man?
16:39 Do you do all of that? You know?
16:41 Well my wife just came back from Alaska last night. Yes
16:44 And I told her when she leaves for vacation,
16:46 don't leave any food in the refrigerator
16:48 because I'm not going to eat it. Oh!
16:50 Well, you don't do leftovers or you just do what?
16:52 Not particularly.
16:54 you go out to eat? I go out to eat!
16:55 Oh, okay - she was gone a week, you went out every day?
16:58 I went out every day. Oh my goodness!
17:00 Dishwasher was never turned on.
17:01 The sink probably very little.
17:03 I may eat dry cereal in the morning. Alright.
17:05 But that's it and I can cook.
17:07 I'm not a vegan yet, but I'm close.
17:10 I do like salmon. Okay, you like salmon.
17:13 And I make a very good salmon! Alright, okay.
17:16 And I do work around the house.
17:20 Alright, now what do you do for hobbies?
17:22 Do you play golf, racquetball, swim, what do you do for you?
17:25 I used to play golf a lot until my first wife died.
17:32 That spirit of playing golf died within me.
17:36 Why do you think that was?
17:37 I have no idea and I finally gave away my golf set. Really?
17:42 She encouraged me to play golf. Yes
17:46 And I gave away my golf set and I go to the gym.
17:50 In fact, today I'll be going to the gym. Right
17:52 I used to see you at the gym!
17:53 Yes, we go to the same gym and I minister to people at the gym.
17:57 People minister to me. That's beautiful!
17:59 So let me ask you, Elder Martin, you know, siblings...
18:01 you come from a big family, how many siblings?
18:04 As I say, my father was very productive.
18:08 He had 12 children. Twelve children!
18:11 Eight boys, 4 girls and 2 of my siblings are deceased,
18:15 2 sisters. Two sisters.
18:17 So we are down 10.
18:19 And you and your brothers, you have a little gathering
18:23 that you get to get together, are you still doing that?
18:25 No. Oh okay, you used to
18:26 do that every Friday evening.
18:28 I used to cook with them every Friday evening,
18:30 and I make a very good lentil soup.
18:32 Oh really! I have to try that.
18:34 In fact, I brought it to church sometimes;
18:36 people have asked me to do it. Really?
18:38 And... because I'm becoming more of a vegan,
18:43 but I'm still struggling with certain things.
18:45 Alright, alright.
18:47 Let's talk about the importance of your role
18:51 in the life of your sons and you talked about, you know,
18:55 looking at the climate of African-American men,
18:57 and they're both married, they have children,
19:00 and they're doing well.
19:01 But, are your children walking with the Lord?
19:06 I pray for them every day, I, I, - - I, I...
19:13 on the surface they are. Yes
19:17 I don't know their hearts. Yes
19:18 But I pray for them every day.
19:20 I call their names out in prayer every day.
19:23 I call the names of my grandchildren out in prayer.
19:26 I call all their names.
19:28 You're very close to your sons?
19:29 Yes and they're very close to me.
19:32 In fact, I've always wondered if, as I get older,
19:35 if something were to happen to me, who would take me in?
19:38 Which one? Because I know both of them.
19:41 Both of them would. They both would.
19:42 My son in Birmingham, Alabama, said, "Dad, you ought to move
19:46 down to Birmingham"
19:48 I said, "I don't think so."
19:50 My son has a place, you know, you've been
19:52 to his house... Yes, yes.
19:54 That is sweet for us. Yes
19:56 I want to stay as independent as long as I can. I see.
20:01 Most importantly, I want them to take care of their families.
20:05 That's the best payback they can give me...
20:09 to take care of your family, to make sure their children
20:12 attend church and just do the right thing.
20:16 And do the right thing. Yeah
20:17 You know, do you babysit?
20:19 Oh yes, I love to babysit.
20:20 You love... why do you love to babysit?
20:22 Because... you know, this may sound strange to you,
20:26 I've told people that I may love my grandchildren
20:29 more than my children - which is not true, but you know,
20:33 I love my grandchildren, they love me.
20:35 And my wife and I have a will and my grandchildren's names
20:43 are on the will. They're on the will.
20:44 I've done enough for my children.
20:47 Do you have a good relationship with both sets of grandparents,
20:50 you know; Shannon's parents, you all get along and engage?
20:58 Yeah we get along, but it's not... we get along.
21:02 You get along because you're at the same church. Yes
21:04 We're at the same church. But do you want a
21:06 a more closer relationship or are you
21:08 comfortable with the relationship you have?
21:09 I'm comfortable with the relationship. Yes
21:11 Let me ask you... How important is understanding,
21:15 you know, your health, your finances because I know
21:18 your brothers and I know the standards that you
21:22 maintain in taking care of your family, economics,
21:26 always giving to others, helping others.
21:29 You gave Arthur his last communion in the hospital.
21:33 Yes. You were there.
21:34 So how important is that for you in maintaining that
21:39 because when we look at the church today,
21:41 we don't see those role models anymore in the church!
21:45 You know, I'm convinced that God has blessed us
21:50 and we ought to bless others.
21:52 I'm convinced, I would say maybe 35 years ago or 40 years ago,
21:59 I've decided in returning my tithe that I'm going to give a
22:05 faithful offering - even if I don't have a lot of money
22:10 left over - God still takes care of me. Yes
22:13 And when my children were in church school,
22:16 and they don't realize how much sacrifice we made...
22:19 We paid our mortgage, we paid our car note,
22:21 insurance... after that we didn't have any money,
22:24 but they were never hungry. They were never hungry.
22:26 They always had food and they could always invite
22:28 people to our house for dinner, whatever
22:31 we're going to serve. Yes
22:32 God has allowed me to work, He has allowed me to retire,
22:37 and I tell my sons... this is sort of strange...
22:40 I say, "Aren't you happy your is not working,
22:43 and he doesn't ask you for anything?"
22:46 My goodness, great God.
22:47 I really don't want anything from them.
22:50 I tend to want to give them stuff more than
22:54 take anything from them and they really
22:56 want to give me stuff.
22:58 Do you spoil your grandchildren?
22:59 Not just material things, I'm not talking just
23:02 with things, but you know...
23:03 They can get away with stuff that my children
23:05 couldn't get away with. Okay, okay, alright.
23:08 You and your wife, you travel...
23:09 where are some of the places that you've been?
23:11 Oh, she was in London earlier this year.
23:15 She just came back from Alaska,
23:18 but every year we go on a cruise, a 10-11 day cruise.
23:21 They faithfully!
23:23 And I love cruises, I love to be in the ocean. You do.
23:26 And she wanted me to go to Alaska, but I never felt
23:30 inclined to go to Alaska.
23:32 You sent her by herself?
23:33 But she and my sister. Right, right, okay.
23:36 But there's a reason, sometimes we don't
23:38 fully understand God's way.
23:40 A friend of mine had a heart attack two days
23:46 before they left for Alaska. Really?
23:48 And I've been his caregiver. What?
23:50 He's out of the hospital. What?
23:52 In fact, it has worn me out being a caregiver.
23:56 But God has allowed me to be a caregiver when my wife
23:59 was sick, so I know what the procedure is.
24:01 Oh I do too - it's a lot of responsibility.
24:04 It's a lot of responsibility; in fact, I had come to you and
24:07 said look, "I'm not working, go to work, then become
24:12 over and take care of her."
24:14 Yes, many times you offered and you also was my
24:17 daughter's math teacher. Yes
24:19 You know, again, giving that time helping, supporting
24:23 the children in Christian education...
24:26 Seventh-day Adventist Christian education and I've learned
24:29 there's a difference, but how is your walk with
24:34 God - you know, why do you love God?
24:36 Why are you a Seventh-day Adventist?
24:38 Well, I think we've all gone through life's struggles.
24:44 I would like to be like one of my favorite characters
24:47 in the Bible - Enoch. Is that right?
24:49 It says, "Enoch loved God," and he was at the point
24:53 where God just took him to heaven and I'm saying
24:57 to God, if I reach this decision
24:59 are You going to take me to heaven now?
25:00 I'm just! But I'm convinced that God has a role to play
25:06 in my life - heaven is my goal! Yes
25:09 I want to be in heaven, I look forward to
25:13 reconnecting with my loved ones who have departed this life.
25:17 And, look forward to a world where there is
25:21 no more struggle, no more death.
25:23 You watch the news at night and you get sick
25:25 just watching the news. Yes
25:27 So, I'm looking for the next life.
25:29 You know, one of my fears, if I can be transparent,
25:32 you know, because you have gone
25:33 through this - I am now going through this...
25:36 My fear is to marry again and have to go through that again.
25:43 I NEVER want to go through that again, it was just devastating,
25:47 but on the other side, the companionship, the love,
25:50 you know... help me with that.
25:52 Well I did tell you, don't rush into anything. That's right.
25:57 Don't rush into anything, wait a while... for a reason.
26:02 When I got remarried, I would be driving down the street
26:07 and I would point out certain things in the road,
26:11 and I was using my first wife's name - because that was
26:15 registered in my brain, but my second wife
26:19 didn't really get agitated.
26:21 You can't just walk away from it. That's right.
26:24 And, I've come to an understanding where
26:27 I remember my second wife's name and so we don't
26:31 have this again, but I would say, wait a while.
26:35 When a marriage works, it's the best life. Yes
26:38 When it doesn't work, it is the WORST life. Yes indeed.
26:42 So wait until God opens that door for the right person
26:48 to enter. That's right.
26:49 Because it's nice... like my wife was away
26:52 in Alaska and I had a good sleep last night.
26:55 She came back and just having someone next to me,
27:00 just made me go to sleep easily.
27:02 It made you go to sleep. Yeah.
27:04 Starting over, it embodies so much and what you've
27:09 been through and how the Lord has blessed you.
27:11 I see you at church, I see you in Sabbath School,
27:15 I see you involved as an elder, a mentor to Arthur,
27:20 a mentor to Erin and I... You do give back,
27:23 you love God and it's not just the talk and I see you back
27:27 in the vestibule of the church encouraging people. Oh yes.
27:30 You've stopped me many times and saying, "Kim, how are you?"
27:33 and I really don't know what to say but "one-day-at-a-time."
27:36 I want you to know what you mean to me - you and Katie,
27:40 and how much I've enjoyed just watching your ministry,
27:44 your marriage, your life together and how God
27:47 gave you opportunity to start over again because you
27:51 were not done and God had a purpose for your life.
27:54 I want to thank you for being on the program today,
27:57 and continue to "Live to Be Well"
27:59 and may God bless you, Elder Clarence Martin. Thank you!
28:03 Thank you so much - God bless you! God bless you.


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Revised 2018-01-23