Participants:
Series Code: LTBW
Program Code: LTBW000003A
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00:35 Hi, I'm Dr Kim and welcome to "Live to be Well."
00:39 It's not always easy starting over, but my guest today 00:44 has a wonderful journey in how 00:47 God has brought his life complete and I would 00:50 like for you to meet him. 00:51 Welcome Elder Clarence Martin. Thank you 00:54 Thank you for being on "Live to be Well," 00:56 how are you? I'm doing great! 00:58 Ohh, you look great. I'm doing great. 01:01 Well listen, let's talk about how God led your life 01:05 here to America - can we go back to your childhood? 01:08 Yeah... Many, many years ago when I finished high school, 01:13 I had a cousin who taught at Hampton University, 01:17 and so he encouraged me to attend Hampton University... 01:21 And so I went there and graduated with a 01:25 bachelor's degree in chemistry and math. Wow! 01:29 And from there, I went to graduate school 01:32 at the University of Delaware and did a master's in 01:35 mechanical engineering. Is that right? 01:38 And I was going further, but I was married. Okay... 01:42 So I said, "What's important, me getting a PhD 01:46 or taking care of my kids?" Hmm 01:49 And so I decided not to pursue a doctorate at that point, 01:55 but go to work and take care of my kids, 01:57 and I had other issues to deal with. 01:59 How many children? 02:01 I have two sons. 02:03 Okay and what are their professions now? 02:06 The first one, he's an engineer and he has his own business. 02:09 He's an automotive supplier in Michigan. All right. 02:12 And my second son is a pediatric surgeon in Birmingham, Alabama. 02:19 Okay...So they followed the path of academia. 02:22 Oh, they couldn't do any less, I would hold them accountable. 02:26 You would hold them accountable. 02:28 Well during this time, how long were you married 02:32 in your first marriage? 02:33 I was married for 29 years. 02:35 Twenty-nine years and what happened? 02:37 Well, around 28 years of marriage, she was in New York 02:42 visiting her family and she called and said that 02:45 she wasn't feeling well. Yes... 02:46 I said, "OH, you probably have the flu - when you get 02:50 back home, we'll go to the doctor." 02:53 So she got back home and we went to the doctor, 02:56 and he did all kinds of tests and they kept her 03:00 in the hospital. 03:01 And I said, "Why aren't they giving you some medicine?" 03:05 She said, Hmm, I'm not quite sure." 03:09 And they released her and then she later told me... 03:13 She didn't want me to know all the details yet. 03:16 She said, "The doctor felt that she had some sort of cancer." 03:21 And that progressed for a year and she continued to work. 03:25 She did? Yes. 03:27 What was your first wife's name? 03:28 Her name was "Cleopatra." Cleopatra! 03:30 Cleopatra - everyone called her "Cleo." Okay 03:35 And she was a great, great Christian woman. 03:39 The woman that you marry when you're young; 03:42 the woman who bears your children; 03:45 the woman who made sacrifices for you; 03:50 you just can't forget that. Um hm... 03:53 And so, we had a great, great marriage. Um hm 03:57 We probably would have been married today 03:59 if she was still alive and that would have been 47 years. 04:03 Is that right? Yeah 04:05 So she progressed... 04:09 She progressed and she died within a year. 04:14 Well they did all kinds of tests. 04:17 They could not find the tumor and they said, 04:20 "In about 5% of the cases that they really can't find the tumor 04:24 but it manifested itself in her lungs." Really? 04:27 So her lungs would fill with fluid and we would take her 04:31 to the hospital and they would withdraw the fluid 04:34 from her lungs and she would feel better. Yes, yes, yes. 04:37 And the doctor said to me one day, "Clarence, if the fluid 04:41 ever gets into her second lung, I can tell you 04:44 the end is near. Really? 04:46 The fluid went to her second lung too. 04:50 And, from that time till her death, 04:53 it was probably about two months. 04:56 Two months. How old was she? 04:58 She was 52. So young, so young. 05:02 How old were your children at the time, do you remember? 05:04 Well, my older would have been 24. Okay, all right. 05:11 And the younger had just finished going to graduate 05:14 school, so he would have been 22. 05:15 Twenty-two, all right. 05:17 So you went through that entire process with your wife 05:21 by her side. Yes. 05:22 But something happened, your life took a turn. 05:26 You started over... Tell us about that. 05:28 Well, she died and it was interesting that people 05:36 were looking at me to see whether I would express 05:41 deep sorrow - the sorrow was in my heart. Yes 05:45 I never expressed - maybe it's a man-thing, never expressed, 05:49 never cried. 05:51 My youngest son cried at the funeral - a little bit, 05:56 but my son, who is now a doctor, he didn't. 05:58 He did not. 05:59 And, it was sort of strange... I said, how can I reach out 06:04 to my sons? 06:08 But who is going to reach out to me? 06:10 But because my youngest son was in medical school, 06:14 I wanted to keep him balanced. Yes 06:17 Because since he was 4, he wanted to be a doctor. 06:20 He wanted to be a doctor. 06:22 I said, I would give up everything to make sure 06:25 that he fulfills his dream. Yes 06:27 So we went through the process and he graduated. 06:31 You know lots - many black or many people period 06:35 can't get into medical school. Right 06:37 He was accepted into three medical schools. 06:39 Three! Oh, that's amazing. 06:41 I remember when I used to take him to the interviews... 06:44 He said, "Dad, you always taking me around when I 06:47 go to college." 06:49 But what I was doing, I was actually interviewing him. 06:52 That's right, that's right. 06:53 Interviewing him and to make sure that he is ready 06:56 for the interview. Yes, yes. 06:58 And so that worked out pretty good. 07:01 So my wife died and it's interesting, 07:05 I didn't cry in public and the world is going to know now 07:11 what really happened to me. Okay... 07:14 I would drive to work and on my way to work, 07:17 I would come down on South..., you know where 07:20 South... is. Yes 07:21 About midway, I would just start crying in my car. 07:24 The windows were up and just 5 minutes before I go to work, 07:29 dry my tears - go to work, no one would know 07:32 that I was crying. Never knew... 07:34 On the way home, same thing and this happened 07:39 day after day, after day. 07:42 So I talked to a gentleman, I said, "You lost your wife, 07:47 this is what's happening to me." Yes 07:49 He said, "Clarence, the same thing happened to me." 07:53 Men hurt. Yes they do. 07:56 And I've talked to you when your husband died, 08:01 you know, people love you or express their love to you 08:07 when there is a funeral. 08:09 When do you really need love? 08:11 AFTER the funeral. AFTER... 08:14 So, you need to be reached out to. Yes. 08:17 AFTER the funeral. 08:18 And a friend of mine, from, Delaware, he wrote 08:22 me a long letter... Um hm 08:24 Just expressing his thoughts and that was so important 08:28 to make sure that he stayed connected. Yes 08:30 God was preparing me for another reason. YES 08:33 Because He allowed me to minister to people 08:40 who have lost their spouses. Yes 08:41 Men who have lost their spouses. Yes. 08:43 And it was very important for me and one guy said, 08:46 "You know, when you talk to me, I know how you felt." Yes. 08:51 "I can believe you." 08:53 And so I've reached out to people. 08:55 So it's become a ministry? 08:56 Yes, it's a ministry for me. 08:59 THAT is a ministry and young people. Yes 09:02 You LOVE young people. 09:04 Yes, maybe because I want to be young. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 09:07 But I love to be around young people and, as you know, 09:12 I've been retired 7 years. Seven years. 09:16 And I decided that I'm not going to stay home and watch T.V. 09:21 I'm going to get involved! 09:23 So basically, what I've done, I volunteered 09:26 at Peterson-Warren Academy for 7 years and I told them, 09:30 "I'm going to volunteer, I don't want one penny from you. 09:34 I drive 20 miles each way to work..." 09:37 I don't want anything to be... 09:39 No, nothing, no compensation. No compensation! 09:41 I'm doing it because God loves me. 09:44 He wants me to give back because I'm so concerned about 09:48 our young, black brothers. Yes 09:51 Some of them come from homes who don't have a father, 09:55 and they're looking for guidance. Yes 09:58 They're looking for love. 09:59 And, I've extended myself to so many... Yes, you have. 10:03 In fact I said, "Man, I'm gonna become bankrupt." 10:07 Laughter... Helping all these children. 10:09 Because they always said, "Mr. Martin, Mr. Martin, 10:12 I need this, I need this." I said, "Okay." 10:15 And you did it. 10:16 Let me ask you, "How did you transition 10:19 from death to meeting your second wife?" 10:22 That was interesting, in fact, let me just go back... 10:28 My wife died the day after Thanksgiving in 1999. Wow 10:34 The last thing she did for the family was to 10:38 balance the checkbook. 10:40 She actually balanced the checkbook the 10:42 night before she died and the next morning, 10:45 about 6 o'clock, she was dead. 10:47 So that was the day after Thanksgiving, 10:49 and her funeral was December 1. 10:53 About 5 years later, no 5 days later, the telephone rang... 11:00 I was still at home, really hurting, and it was 11:04 my second wife on the line. 11:07 That was interesting, I said, "Lord, why would this woman 11:13 call me at my weakest point?" Um hm 11:16 It was 6 days after my wife was buried. 11:22 And I just sort of laughed, I had no idea 11:27 what was going to happen. 11:29 And we started talking and we finally reached the point 11:33 where I told her, "I'm not going to marry anyone." 11:37 You told her that? Yes, for 3 years. 11:39 Three years - you told her that? 11:42 I'm not going to marry. I loved my wife. 11:44 I have children, I was there to support my children. 11:49 And until they felt a little comfortable 11:52 that I would move in that direction. 11:54 If my children never felt comfortable, 11:57 I probably would have never 11:58 moved in that direction. Is that right? 11:59 And if they were young, it would have never happened. Okay 12:02 Because once you have children, that's the most important 12:06 part of your life. Yes it is. 12:08 ... To care of your children. That's right! 12:10 Anyway after a time it developed, 12:12 and we got married 3 years later. 12:14 So she taught in New York City, and I was living out here 12:18 still working, so she retired early. 12:23 So I moved to Michigan and I said, "Are you going to work?" 12:26 And she said, "Not really." Because she was 12:31 a special education teacher. All right 12:33 And I guess you get burned out very quickly. 12:36 So she never went back. 12:38 She never went back. That's right. 12:39 You knew your wife in your home in elementary, 12:44 middle school, high school? 12:45 You knew her from where? Where are you from? 12:48 We are from Antigua and we were 12:50 in kindergarten and church together. 12:52 And the interesting part of it is that I liked my wife in 12:56 high school...never told her. 12:58 You liked her... had a crush on her. 13:01 Yes! Okay... laughter 13:03 Never told her and so I went to one college 13:07 and she went to another college. 13:09 She went to Andrews... went to Caribbean Union 13:13 College in Trinidad and then to Andrews, 13:15 and she stayed until she got her master's at Andrews, 13:20 and I went to a different college and that's how 13:23 we got back together. 13:25 So tell me about your relationship starting over... 13:29 How long, you know you waited 3 years. I waited 3 years. 13:33 Three years, did you get criticism from your family 13:36 or were they supportive that you were dating and now 13:40 marrying and how did your sons feel? 13:42 My youngest son, I think he was more accepting. 13:51 My oldest son was very close to his mom, 13:54 so it took him a while. Yes 13:56 And about a year later, he said, "You know," 14:00 to my current wife, he said, "You're a good mom." Ohh 14:03 Especially when we had our first grandchild. Yes 14:05 Because my wife is probably the greatest grandmother 14:09 that you could ever have. Yes 14:11 So she's a good grandmother to our grandchildren, 14:14 and I have six grandchildren. Six grandchildren! Yes, yes. 14:18 You are an elder in the "City Temple Seventh-day Adventist 14:21 Church." Yes 14:22 You play the organ, I mean, I did not know 14:27 you played the organ and beautifully! 14:29 I been playing since I was a teenager. 14:31 That just really... But I don't do it anymore. 14:34 You don't do it anymore. Not really. 14:36 Not really... And then you're very 14:39 involved with your grandchildren - Oh yes - 14:41 and you and Katie, you travel a lot... Yes 14:43 and you enjoy your life with her. 14:45 Now, how does God play a role in your marriage with Katie? 14:49 Because it's more than just being Seventh-day Adventist. 14:53 It's a relationship. 14:57 We support each other in our Christian life... 15:00 like this morning - we always start our morning with 15:04 devotion. You always start with devotion. 15:06 Devotion... and most men probably don't understand it, 15:09 but she has a women's ministry, a women's daily reading. Yes 15:14 And she reads it to me every day. 15:16 In fact, it should not be called "Women's Ministry" at all. 15:18 It should be "Christian Ministry," 15:20 and then we do our Sabbath School Lesson. 15:22 Sabbath School Lesson. 15:23 And so she asks me questions and I ask her questions. 15:28 And I assist one of the elders in mid-day pray meeting 15:33 on Wednesday and that was good. 15:36 I know you have, over the years, encouraged Arthur and I 15:42 on "Dare to Dream," Friday night you'll be 15:45 watching "Dare to Dream," and on Sabbath you would say 15:48 "I was watching you all on "Dare to Dream." 15:50 I watch you quite a bit and all the people that you 15:54 interview and I did learn a lot. 16:00 I spend more... "Dare to Dream" is my favorite network. 16:04 Praise God! Favorite network! WHY is that? 16:07 Well, it builds my Christian relationship, it really does. 16:14 To see other people who have had struggles and who still 16:22 hold on to the Lord. Yes 16:24 And it's a good network. 16:27 And now they will hear your story 16:29 and hold on to the Lord. Yes, yes. 16:32 Let me ask you... You cook, you clean... 16:36 You're one of those, you know, Renaissance Man? 16:39 Do you do all of that? You know? 16:41 Well my wife just came back from Alaska last night. Yes 16:44 And I told her when she leaves for vacation, 16:46 don't leave any food in the refrigerator 16:48 because I'm not going to eat it. Oh! 16:50 Well, you don't do leftovers or you just do what? 16:52 Not particularly. 16:54 you go out to eat? I go out to eat! 16:55 Oh, okay - she was gone a week, you went out every day? 16:58 I went out every day. Oh my goodness! 17:00 Dishwasher was never turned on. 17:01 The sink probably very little. 17:03 I may eat dry cereal in the morning. Alright. 17:05 But that's it and I can cook. 17:07 I'm not a vegan yet, but I'm close. 17:10 I do like salmon. Okay, you like salmon. 17:13 And I make a very good salmon! Alright, okay. 17:16 And I do work around the house. 17:20 Alright, now what do you do for hobbies? 17:22 Do you play golf, racquetball, swim, what do you do for you? 17:25 I used to play golf a lot until my first wife died. 17:32 That spirit of playing golf died within me. 17:36 Why do you think that was? 17:37 I have no idea and I finally gave away my golf set. Really? 17:42 She encouraged me to play golf. Yes 17:46 And I gave away my golf set and I go to the gym. 17:50 In fact, today I'll be going to the gym. Right 17:52 I used to see you at the gym! 17:53 Yes, we go to the same gym and I minister to people at the gym. 17:57 People minister to me. That's beautiful! 17:59 So let me ask you, Elder Martin, you know, siblings... 18:01 you come from a big family, how many siblings? 18:04 As I say, my father was very productive. 18:08 He had 12 children. Twelve children! 18:11 Eight boys, 4 girls and 2 of my siblings are deceased, 18:15 2 sisters. Two sisters. 18:17 So we are down 10. 18:19 And you and your brothers, you have a little gathering 18:23 that you get to get together, are you still doing that? 18:25 No. Oh okay, you used to 18:26 do that every Friday evening. 18:28 I used to cook with them every Friday evening, 18:30 and I make a very good lentil soup. 18:32 Oh really! I have to try that. 18:34 In fact, I brought it to church sometimes; 18:36 people have asked me to do it. Really? 18:38 And... because I'm becoming more of a vegan, 18:43 but I'm still struggling with certain things. 18:45 Alright, alright. 18:47 Let's talk about the importance of your role 18:51 in the life of your sons and you talked about, you know, 18:55 looking at the climate of African-American men, 18:57 and they're both married, they have children, 19:00 and they're doing well. 19:01 But, are your children walking with the Lord? 19:06 I pray for them every day, I, I, - - I, I... 19:13 on the surface they are. Yes 19:17 I don't know their hearts. Yes 19:18 But I pray for them every day. 19:20 I call their names out in prayer every day. 19:23 I call the names of my grandchildren out in prayer. 19:26 I call all their names. 19:28 You're very close to your sons? 19:29 Yes and they're very close to me. 19:32 In fact, I've always wondered if, as I get older, 19:35 if something were to happen to me, who would take me in? 19:38 Which one? Because I know both of them. 19:41 Both of them would. They both would. 19:42 My son in Birmingham, Alabama, said, "Dad, you ought to move 19:46 down to Birmingham" 19:48 I said, "I don't think so." 19:50 My son has a place, you know, you've been 19:52 to his house... Yes, yes. 19:54 That is sweet for us. Yes 19:56 I want to stay as independent as long as I can. I see. 20:01 Most importantly, I want them to take care of their families. 20:05 That's the best payback they can give me... 20:09 to take care of your family, to make sure their children 20:12 attend church and just do the right thing. 20:16 And do the right thing. Yeah 20:17 You know, do you babysit? 20:19 Oh yes, I love to babysit. 20:20 You love... why do you love to babysit? 20:22 Because... you know, this may sound strange to you, 20:26 I've told people that I may love my grandchildren 20:29 more than my children - which is not true, but you know, 20:33 I love my grandchildren, they love me. 20:35 And my wife and I have a will and my grandchildren's names 20:43 are on the will. They're on the will. 20:44 I've done enough for my children. 20:47 Do you have a good relationship with both sets of grandparents, 20:50 you know; Shannon's parents, you all get along and engage? 20:58 Yeah we get along, but it's not... we get along. 21:02 You get along because you're at the same church. Yes 21:04 We're at the same church. But do you want a 21:06 a more closer relationship or are you 21:08 comfortable with the relationship you have? 21:09 I'm comfortable with the relationship. Yes 21:11 Let me ask you... How important is understanding, 21:15 you know, your health, your finances because I know 21:18 your brothers and I know the standards that you 21:22 maintain in taking care of your family, economics, 21:26 always giving to others, helping others. 21:29 You gave Arthur his last communion in the hospital. 21:33 Yes. You were there. 21:34 So how important is that for you in maintaining that 21:39 because when we look at the church today, 21:41 we don't see those role models anymore in the church! 21:45 You know, I'm convinced that God has blessed us 21:50 and we ought to bless others. 21:52 I'm convinced, I would say maybe 35 years ago or 40 years ago, 21:59 I've decided in returning my tithe that I'm going to give a 22:05 faithful offering - even if I don't have a lot of money 22:10 left over - God still takes care of me. Yes 22:13 And when my children were in church school, 22:16 and they don't realize how much sacrifice we made... 22:19 We paid our mortgage, we paid our car note, 22:21 insurance... after that we didn't have any money, 22:24 but they were never hungry. They were never hungry. 22:26 They always had food and they could always invite 22:28 people to our house for dinner, whatever 22:31 we're going to serve. Yes 22:32 God has allowed me to work, He has allowed me to retire, 22:37 and I tell my sons... this is sort of strange... 22:40 I say, "Aren't you happy your is not working, 22:43 and he doesn't ask you for anything?" 22:46 My goodness, great God. 22:47 I really don't want anything from them. 22:50 I tend to want to give them stuff more than 22:54 take anything from them and they really 22:56 want to give me stuff. 22:58 Do you spoil your grandchildren? 22:59 Not just material things, I'm not talking just 23:02 with things, but you know... 23:03 They can get away with stuff that my children 23:05 couldn't get away with. Okay, okay, alright. 23:08 You and your wife, you travel... 23:09 where are some of the places that you've been? 23:11 Oh, she was in London earlier this year. 23:15 She just came back from Alaska, 23:18 but every year we go on a cruise, a 10-11 day cruise. 23:21 They faithfully! 23:23 And I love cruises, I love to be in the ocean. You do. 23:26 And she wanted me to go to Alaska, but I never felt 23:30 inclined to go to Alaska. 23:32 You sent her by herself? 23:33 But she and my sister. Right, right, okay. 23:36 But there's a reason, sometimes we don't 23:38 fully understand God's way. 23:40 A friend of mine had a heart attack two days 23:46 before they left for Alaska. Really? 23:48 And I've been his caregiver. What? 23:50 He's out of the hospital. What? 23:52 In fact, it has worn me out being a caregiver. 23:56 But God has allowed me to be a caregiver when my wife 23:59 was sick, so I know what the procedure is. 24:01 Oh I do too - it's a lot of responsibility. 24:04 It's a lot of responsibility; in fact, I had come to you and 24:07 said look, "I'm not working, go to work, then become 24:12 over and take care of her." 24:14 Yes, many times you offered and you also was my 24:17 daughter's math teacher. Yes 24:19 You know, again, giving that time helping, supporting 24:23 the children in Christian education... 24:26 Seventh-day Adventist Christian education and I've learned 24:29 there's a difference, but how is your walk with 24:34 God - you know, why do you love God? 24:36 Why are you a Seventh-day Adventist? 24:38 Well, I think we've all gone through life's struggles. 24:44 I would like to be like one of my favorite characters 24:47 in the Bible - Enoch. Is that right? 24:49 It says, "Enoch loved God," and he was at the point 24:53 where God just took him to heaven and I'm saying 24:57 to God, if I reach this decision 24:59 are You going to take me to heaven now? 25:00 I'm just! But I'm convinced that God has a role to play 25:06 in my life - heaven is my goal! Yes 25:09 I want to be in heaven, I look forward to 25:13 reconnecting with my loved ones who have departed this life. 25:17 And, look forward to a world where there is 25:21 no more struggle, no more death. 25:23 You watch the news at night and you get sick 25:25 just watching the news. Yes 25:27 So, I'm looking for the next life. 25:29 You know, one of my fears, if I can be transparent, 25:32 you know, because you have gone 25:33 through this - I am now going through this... 25:36 My fear is to marry again and have to go through that again. 25:43 I NEVER want to go through that again, it was just devastating, 25:47 but on the other side, the companionship, the love, 25:50 you know... help me with that. 25:52 Well I did tell you, don't rush into anything. That's right. 25:57 Don't rush into anything, wait a while... for a reason. 26:02 When I got remarried, I would be driving down the street 26:07 and I would point out certain things in the road, 26:11 and I was using my first wife's name - because that was 26:15 registered in my brain, but my second wife 26:19 didn't really get agitated. 26:21 You can't just walk away from it. That's right. 26:24 And, I've come to an understanding where 26:27 I remember my second wife's name and so we don't 26:31 have this again, but I would say, wait a while. 26:35 When a marriage works, it's the best life. Yes 26:38 When it doesn't work, it is the WORST life. Yes indeed. 26:42 So wait until God opens that door for the right person 26:48 to enter. That's right. 26:49 Because it's nice... like my wife was away 26:52 in Alaska and I had a good sleep last night. 26:55 She came back and just having someone next to me, 27:00 just made me go to sleep easily. 27:02 It made you go to sleep. Yeah. 27:04 Starting over, it embodies so much and what you've 27:09 been through and how the Lord has blessed you. 27:11 I see you at church, I see you in Sabbath School, 27:15 I see you involved as an elder, a mentor to Arthur, 27:20 a mentor to Erin and I... You do give back, 27:23 you love God and it's not just the talk and I see you back 27:27 in the vestibule of the church encouraging people. Oh yes. 27:30 You've stopped me many times and saying, "Kim, how are you?" 27:33 and I really don't know what to say but "one-day-at-a-time." 27:36 I want you to know what you mean to me - you and Katie, 27:40 and how much I've enjoyed just watching your ministry, 27:44 your marriage, your life together and how God 27:47 gave you opportunity to start over again because you 27:51 were not done and God had a purpose for your life. 27:54 I want to thank you for being on the program today, 27:57 and continue to "Live to Be Well" 27:59 and may God bless you, Elder Clarence Martin. Thank you! 28:03 Thank you so much - God bless you! God bless you. |
Revised 2018-01-23