Participants:
Series Code: LTBW
Program Code: LTBW190034S
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00:01 The following program features real clients
00:03 discussing sensitive issues. 00:05 The views and opinions expressed in this program 00:07 don't necessarily reflect 00:09 that of 3ABN's Dare to Dream Network. 00:11 Viewer discretion is advised. 00:49 Hi, I'm Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin, and welcome to Live to Be Well. 00:54 What is live to be well? 00:55 Mind, body, and soul, 00:58 but without God, we cannot live to be well. 01:02 Today, I want to welcome Mrs. Cheryl Simmons. 01:05 How are you, Cheryl? 01:07 I'm doing good. 01:08 It's so good to see you. 01:10 It's good to see you too. 01:11 We wanna talk about today, surviving the battle. 01:15 Domestic violence is very high now 01:20 in the news, the internet. 01:24 It's being done constantly within the homes, on the jobs, 01:29 in the school house, 01:30 but you've experienced it up close and personal. 01:35 Can we talk about that? 01:36 Yes, ma'am, of course. 01:39 I got married at 22 to a man 01:43 I thought was my knight in shining armor. 01:45 He was everything you would think 01:48 that a prince should be 01:51 until we got married. 01:52 And it was the night of our honeymoon. 01:58 And that was when it started. 02:00 The night of our honeymoon 02:01 we had went away on a beautiful vacation 02:04 to Jamaica. 02:06 I wasn't getting ready quick enough. 02:09 And he decided that he was gonna hurry me along 02:12 by throwing a bucket of ice cold water on me 02:15 while I was in the shower. 02:18 And, of course, at that point I was stunned, 02:22 but I didn't think much about it 02:24 because at that time, 02:25 you know, that wasn't something that was horrible. 02:30 I just thought he was stressed 02:31 and the vacation was taking its toll on him. 02:35 So, I blew it off. 02:38 And that was beginning. 02:40 That was the beginning of something 02:41 that turned out to be a very long 02:45 marriage of violence 02:47 and fighting back 02:49 to make sure that 02:50 I didn't upset anything in his life. 02:54 That I didn't upset anything in his life. 02:57 I didn't see the transition because it happened so slowly. 03:03 The worst part about it is 03:05 now looking back I do know, 03:08 I do see those signs. 03:09 But at the time when you love somebody, 03:12 you just think, oh, they love me. 03:14 And they're doing this for the best of us, for us. 03:19 That's not always true. 03:21 A person who is trying to take control of who you are, 03:25 they do it slowly so you don't see it. 03:27 Till eventually you believe 03:29 they're doing what's best for you 03:31 when that's not the case. 03:33 The case is that's control. 03:35 That's a format in itself a violence. 03:40 The last incident that happened was horrible. 03:45 And it's hard to talk about 03:48 when I think about surviving it. 03:50 I think about the fact that 03:52 I didn't know I was that strong. 03:56 We went away for his brother's 60th birthday 04:00 and we were in a crowded room. 04:04 I remember a man walking past me 04:06 and brushing me 04:07 and me turning around and saying, oh, I'm sorry. 04:11 All of a sudden I seen my husband 04:13 at the time switch 04:15 and I felt my stomach get really tight 04:17 because mind you there was already a very long history, 04:20 over a decade of violence. 04:22 So, I knew his triggers and his facial emotions. 04:27 So, I tightened up real quick. 04:29 Well, he jumped up, he grabbed me by the arm 04:31 and he dragged me out of that place. 04:33 And I knew all the way to the car that 04:35 this was not gonna be good. 04:38 We were approximately five miles from the house, 04:41 that five miles felt like 25, 04:47 because the whole ride home 04:49 I got my head slammed into the dashboard. 04:53 He was ripping at my hair, screaming at me, 04:55 telling me he knew that I was making eyes at this guy 04:59 that I didn't even do anything to, 05:01 all I said was, you know, excuse me, sorry. 05:05 Didn't mean to, you know, be in your way or whatever. 05:09 And when as he's pulling me 05:11 and he's grabbing my head 05:12 and he's slamming my head into this dashboard, 05:14 I could feel the seatbelt 05:16 pulling and pulling at my shoulder. 05:18 And it was painful, really, really super painful. 05:21 So, I wasn't hearing what he was saying. 05:24 I wasn't seeing his expressions 05:26 'cause I was afraid to look at him. 05:28 And each time it pulled, 05:30 if my face didn't reach towards the dashboard, 05:35 he would grab the side of my head 05:36 and start bashing it against the window. 05:39 So, as this progressed and we got close to the house, 05:43 I knew I had to get away from him. 05:44 I just knew it. 05:46 I was scared. I was frightened. 05:47 I was just panicked. 05:49 So, as he's doing all this, 05:52 I'm trying to get out of my seatbelt. 05:53 And we had pulled around the corner, 05:55 close to my cul-de-sac 05:56 and had got the seatbelt undone, 05:58 I flew, I turned sideways. 06:00 I kicked him as hard as I could. 06:02 As hard as I could and I jumped out 06:03 and I ran, I ran towards the house. 06:06 I got into the house 06:07 and I ran, I locked all the doors 06:09 and I ran straight into my bedroom 06:11 and my bathroom shut and locked that door 06:13 thinking I was safe. 06:15 I thought I was safe. 06:16 I thought I was safe because I got away from him. 06:20 But what I wasn't thinking was he drove home. 06:24 That meant he had the keys to the house. 06:27 And as that realization hit me, I just started crying. 06:30 I balled up into a corner 06:31 between my toilet and my kitchen 06:34 or my bathroom sink. 06:35 And I sat there waiting, frightened, 06:39 and then I could hear the shimming 06:41 of the bathroom door. 06:43 And I immediately panicked. 06:45 I didn't know what to do. 06:47 At this point he had gotten into the bathroom 06:49 and had dragged me out throughout the house. 06:52 I guess when I jumped out of the car 06:55 and when I kicked him and I got away from him 06:56 and jumped out of the car, 06:58 I had kicked him in his face and it had busted his nose. 07:02 So, he had blood all over his hands. 07:06 He continued to wipe blood on me, 07:08 spit blood on me. 07:10 He had me on the floor 07:11 and he was beating my head on our tiles. 07:14 And he was literally sitting on me, 07:15 spitting blood on me. 07:18 At that point, I think I sort of blacked out. 07:22 I don't remember much happening 07:23 other than I heard my daughter, Julie screaming, 07:28 "Get off my mom! Get off my mom!" 07:30 And she's screaming. 07:31 And she jumped on him and she started hitting him 07:33 in the back of his head. 07:34 At this point, I believe Julie was about 15 or 16 07:38 and he jumped up and he threw her. 07:41 She ran out the door 07:43 to the friend that had drove her home 07:44 because she had been out with her friends 07:47 and she dialed 911. 07:49 And when the police arrived, 07:54 I sat there and I was just crying. 07:56 I was scared, frightened. 08:02 I don't remember much 08:04 other than waking up at the hospital. 08:07 And thinking well, I hope my daughter is okay. 08:10 I hope my daughter is alive. 08:16 At that point, 08:18 I knew I had to get away from him. 08:22 He did go to jail. 08:24 He ended up in jail for quite some time. 08:27 And the police officers would come to me 08:29 for an investigation 08:30 because they had to do an investigation. 08:33 And they told me that if I went back to him, 08:37 they would take my kids. 08:40 So, I chose my kids. 08:42 Yes. 08:43 I chose my kids. 08:45 I didn't realize in that time that I was with him, 08:48 that I was sacrificing my kids 08:52 to be with a man that I thought loved me. 08:55 That was my realization. 08:59 All those years 09:01 that was the one thing that could have been said to me 09:04 that I said, no, my kids are more important. 09:09 The very same daughter that saved my life, 09:13 three years ago was murdered by a man 09:16 that she was dating for three months. 09:18 She knew him four and was dating him three. 09:24 I felt the guilt. 09:27 That was so horrible. 09:30 Like this was the life 09:33 that I led my daughter into. 09:36 That I could have saved her 09:39 by leaving my husband at the time, much sooner. 09:44 I could have saved her life 09:46 by not teaching her that it was okay 09:49 for a man to talk down to you, 09:51 that it was okay for a man 09:53 to tell you what you could wear or where you could go 09:56 or who you could be. 09:59 I taught her that it was okay to be treated that way. 10:05 That it's something that I can never fix, 10:10 but I can fix it for other people. 10:13 With my story 10:15 and with other people's stories, 10:17 my daughter's story, 10:19 I can teach people and show people 10:21 that it is something that can stop. 10:24 The cycle can stop. 10:28 And that's what I wanna do. 10:30 I wanna teach young men, women, men, women, children, 10:34 that it's okay to walk away, 10:36 that you can stand on your own two feet. 10:40 I don't ever want this to happen to anybody else. 10:43 And I don't ever wanna see a mother 10:44 that has to live through losing a child 10:47 because even after all the abuse that I suffered, 10:50 that is the one thing I wish I could fix, 10:53 was that my daughter didn't suffer. 10:56 I remember, 10:58 you're so courageous to tell your story. 11:02 I really, really am so thankful 11:04 for you being here on Dare to Dream. 11:07 I remember when I was 11:10 and I've never really told this story. 11:12 Only my parents knew and my oldest brother. 11:16 I was dating this young man 11:18 and I was working 11:20 with some sports figures. 11:24 And he came into my classroom and stopping by, 11:30 you know, I knew he had a jealous attribute, 11:34 but I said, okay, you know, you just ignore the red flags. 11:38 And the guys were talking with me 11:41 and we were laughing. 11:42 I was teaching English class. 11:45 But these were two sports figures 11:46 who had difficulty reading 11:48 and wanted to develop their skills. 11:51 And he came in and I said, 11:53 can you all excuse me for a second? 11:55 And I walked out. I said, hi. 11:57 He took his fist and pulled it back 12:00 and punched me in my stomach. 12:03 "Don't you ever embarrass me in front of anyone? 12:06 When I walk into your classroom, 12:08 you come out immediately. 12:10 Those guys can wait." 12:12 I couldn't even breathe. 12:14 I'm like, "What did I do?" 12:16 I didn't even, I couldn't even fathom. 12:18 What did I do? 12:19 I called my father. 12:21 I called my brother to come to the classroom. 12:24 The sports figures got up and I said, 12:26 "No, because your hands are legal weapons." 12:30 And he said, 12:32 "When I come back, you better be ready to go. 12:34 And I'll follow you home." 12:37 My father and brother came 12:39 and my father said, 12:40 "If you allow this person in your life, 12:45 then it's going to be a problem." 12:48 And so, when he came back, 12:49 my father and my brother were there 12:51 and he said, 12:53 "Kim, you have something to say." 12:55 My father didn't say it. 12:56 I had to say it. 12:58 And I said, 12:59 "I can no longer date you. 13:00 I can no longer see you. 13:02 Please do not come back to my place of employment 13:05 or I will get a restraining order." 13:07 At that moment, I took my control back. 13:11 Yeah. 13:12 Because I could have said, well, he just had a bad day. 13:15 He wasn't feeling good or it was my fault. 13:20 I did something to trigger his behavior. 13:23 And I promised myself 13:26 and I went to the Lord in prayer. 13:28 I would never let another man hit me 13:32 or disrespect me. 13:34 And when I began to date again, 13:38 if they raised their voice, 13:41 if they, one guy did like this to the maitre d, 13:44 you, you, you hear me calling you? 13:46 I eat my food and got I said, 13:48 thank you I had a wonderful evening. 13:50 I watched the red flags. 13:52 And so, we as women and men, 13:56 because men are abused also. 13:58 Also. 13:59 Yup. Yes. 14:00 But it's not reported statistically 14:02 because they are a bit embarrassed, 14:03 they're ashamed. 14:05 Sure, let's talk about surviving the battle 14:07 with the healing process? 14:09 How to be able to find your wellness? 14:12 How did you find your wellness? 14:15 For the longest time I was going through therapy, 14:20 like counseling, psychologists, psychiatry. 14:23 And I started going to this church 14:26 close to the home. 14:28 And I had met with another woman 14:31 who had gone through some of the same things, 14:35 but I connected with her. 14:37 And then I started surrounding myself 14:38 with really positive, strong women. 14:42 And then I noticed myself 14:43 each day finding something that I could do 14:46 to help other people 14:48 or something I could do to make myself stronger. 14:51 I got a job. 14:53 A really good job that is now a career. 14:55 Yes. What do you do? 14:56 I'm a dialysis tech. 14:58 Yes. 14:59 I was in college to be an RN. 15:00 And when I was supposed to start my clinicals, 15:03 when my daughter was killed. 15:06 So, I dropped out. 15:07 You dropped out from. 15:09 What do you do on your job? 15:10 Can you explain to the viewers, what is a dialysis tech? 15:12 A dialysis tech. 15:14 What do I not do? 15:16 I take care of patients who have renal failure, 15:19 kidney failure. 15:20 And I do everything for their care, 15:23 other than, you know, administer meds. 15:26 All right. 15:27 Dialysis patients don't have kidney functions. 15:29 So, we dialyze them on an artificial kidney. 15:33 Yes. 15:35 And I love my patients. 15:36 You love them and I know they love you. 15:38 I love my patients. 15:39 And that's how you came to be 15:40 at the Conant Gardens Seventh-day Adventist Church. 15:42 Yes, ma'am. 15:43 One of the patients, 15:45 one of the members there is your patient. 15:46 Yes, ma'am. 15:48 And I thank God 15:49 because Pat told her story, Pat gives. 15:53 How else can women going through this, 15:55 if they are in a situation like this now, 15:58 and they're viewing this program, 16:00 what can you say to them? 16:02 How do they get out? 16:03 I can't say it's gonna be easy. 16:05 It's definitely not something that's easy. 16:08 They need to find their inner strength. 16:09 Find that strength, 16:10 whatever it is that they feel makes them stronger. 16:15 Connect with people, 16:16 connect with people that love them. 16:18 Connect with family 16:20 that didn't know what was going on 16:22 behind the scenes. 16:24 They need to protect themselves, 16:27 protect their lives. 16:30 It's definitely not an easy road. 16:33 You know, statistically, every six minutes, 16:35 every six seconds. 16:36 Every six seconds. 16:38 A woman is being abused 16:39 and, you know, grieving the loss of your own life. 16:43 You lost so many years of your life. 16:45 Let's touch on that for a few seconds? 16:48 Trying to find my way back. 16:51 I had noticed that I was getting depressed, 16:54 almost really hurt inside 16:57 that it was all those years had gone by. 17:01 All those years had gone by 17:02 and I hadn't done the things in life 17:05 that I thought I dreamed of doing as a child growing up. 17:09 And I come from a good family. 17:10 My father was a good man. 17:13 So, why would I put myself in that position? 17:16 Why would I put my life on the line for a person 17:20 I thought loved me? 17:24 Young women need to understand what love is. 17:28 Love is not talking down to a person. 17:31 For man or a woman in a relationship, 17:34 you don't degrade. 17:35 You don't take away your share. 17:37 Yes. 17:39 It's not my job to take from a man 17:41 or a man's job to take from me. 17:42 Yes. 17:44 You share. Share and uplift. 17:46 And you uplift one another. 17:47 Yes. Yes. 17:49 And to me there will never ever be a point in my life 17:53 where I will not make sure 17:55 I uplift anybody in my life that I love. 17:58 Yes. 17:59 I wanna talk about some of the reasons 18:01 why men and women stay in these relationships. 18:05 And I was really... 18:08 When I was preparing for my message 18:10 at the Conant Gardens Seventh-day Adventist Church. 18:12 And see, we tend not to deal with things 18:14 because it doesn't impact you. 18:16 Right. 18:17 And so, you know, 18:19 it was just really was shocking, 18:22 the statistics, the information, 18:25 all right, here we go. 18:26 Number one, I can't start over. 18:31 Number one. 18:32 Number two, I don't have the finances or resources. 18:36 Where am I going to live? 18:38 How I take care of myself? 18:39 And if I have children. 18:41 Number three, the honeymoon phase, 18:45 he was just having a bad day. 18:47 She apologized. 18:49 She did not mean it. 18:50 He didn't mean it. 18:52 We're good. We're good. 18:54 Okay. 18:55 Low self-esteem just destroyed. 18:58 Who's gonna ever love me. 19:00 You're no good, you're ugly. 19:02 No one is going to ever want to be with you or love you. 19:05 You need to stay here with me. 19:08 The fear of being killed 19:10 within weeks of leaving the abuser, 19:14 the woman or the man is killed within weeks, within weeks. 19:19 Within weeks. 19:20 They are murdered. Murdered. 19:22 They're stalked and then they're murdered. 19:24 Yeah. 19:25 So, we as a community, 3ABN, Dare to Dream, 19:30 this is a way for us to reach people 19:33 to say that there's help out there 19:35 and then keeping the secrets. 19:37 Let's talk about keeping the secret. 19:39 Yeah. Keeping the secret. 19:42 That's not hard to describe 19:43 because my father, my mother, 19:46 my sisters, siblings, no one, 19:49 no one knew about what I was going through 19:50 in my home. 19:53 Not my neighbors. 19:55 Nobody. 19:56 I literally held it 19:58 as if we were this perfect Brady Bunch family. 20:03 I held it inside of me 20:04 and the moment that it came out, 20:08 I almost felt like relief. 20:13 Yes. 20:15 Now, I can help other people. 20:19 Now, I can make sure that 20:22 there are no future women 20:27 that have to fight their way back. 20:30 And if I help just one 20:33 that I feel like I'm succeeding. 20:35 Yes. 20:36 There's a song that says, if I can help somebody, 20:39 then my living shall not be in vain. 20:42 Absolutely. I remember having a client. 20:45 She came in with her husband. 20:46 He was totally against the therapy 20:49 and I brought her in. 20:50 He said, I'll come in with her. 20:52 And I said, all right. 20:54 And she says, okay, Dr. Logan, she couldn't really talk. 20:57 She couldn't say anything. 20:59 And he was like this the whole time. 21:01 Yeah. 21:03 You know, you could just, and he would look at her like, 21:04 if you say anything, 21:06 but he had to come because she had filed charges. 21:10 But what the problem was 21:12 the women or the men won't press charges 21:15 or they drop the charges. 21:17 Again is that all a part of the fear, 21:19 the self-esteem, 21:21 why drop the charges? 21:22 It is. 21:24 And several times 21:25 I dropped charges against my ex 21:27 and I'm not talking once or twice. 21:29 Talking about six or seven times. 21:32 The last time I didn't have a choice. 21:35 In Michigan now the state takes over. 21:39 There's an investigation. 21:41 The state presses charges, 21:42 the female can choose 21:44 not to testify against the person 21:46 or the male can refuse to testify against the female. 21:50 But the state takes over. 21:52 There'll be charges no matter what, 21:53 how extent full those charges will be 21:56 relies on the testimony of the abused. 22:00 But the state does take over now. 22:03 The hard part about that too, 22:06 is most times 22:08 you have to literally be beaten before 22:13 the police will go after the abuser. 22:17 You can say that a person abused you, 22:20 but with spouse abuse of any form, 22:24 it's hard to prove 22:26 because if the police arrive and one person's hurt 22:30 and the other person's hurt, 22:32 and the one person says it was him that did it. 22:35 Or he says, no, it was her that did it. 22:37 Whose side do they pick? 22:40 My girlfriend, she was arrested. 22:43 Her husband was beating her constantly. 22:45 And I used to go visit them all the time. 22:48 And all of a sudden I couldn't go visit. 22:50 I couldn't call her. 22:51 He would answer her cell phone. 22:53 So, one day she slipped me a note. 22:57 We were, I don't think it was at church. 22:59 We were somewhere. 23:00 She sent me a note 23:02 and she said, "I'm being abused." 23:05 And so, I called an attorney 23:10 and she told me what I needed to do. 23:13 And so, we went to her home knocked on the door, 23:17 this particular day, 23:19 she was beaten so bad, 23:21 but the police arrested her 23:24 because she had a weapon in her hand. 23:26 Self-defense 23:29 and she was in jail 30 days, 23:32 you know, and it's like, if I stand up for myself, 23:36 you know, I'm gonna be arrested. 23:38 If I don't stand up for myself, I'm killed. 23:41 Do I literally have to be laying in a hospital bed 23:44 with tubes in my body, 23:45 and for you to say, go arrest him. 23:49 You know, or something like that. 23:50 I mean, women and men are throwing bleach. 23:53 Can you imagine bleach being thrown in your face? 23:56 You know, being attacked by a knife 24:00 and stabbed many, many, many times. 24:04 The man that killed your daughter, Julie, 24:07 did he serve any time? 24:10 Six months. 24:12 Six months for murdering your daughter? 24:14 Six months. 24:15 And he wasn't arrested on the scene. 24:19 And what was the reason? 24:21 My daughter wasn't there to tell the story. 24:28 Tell us where your daughter was found? 24:30 She was found laying on her front lawn 24:33 with a blanket over her. 24:35 They had to revive her. 24:37 The EMS guy revived her. 24:39 And when he did 24:41 her last words were, 24:42 "Help me, I'm dying." 24:45 That was the last word she ever spoke. 24:49 So, sorry, Cheryl. 24:52 I'm so sorry. 24:54 Your precious baby. 24:57 That was the last word she ever spoke. 25:00 She reached out to you through a text. 25:02 Yeah. What did that text say? 25:04 Her text said, "Mama have to get rid of him." 25:07 I said, "Julie, are you okay?" 25:09 She said, "No, but I can't talk right now." 25:12 And that was the last communication you received? 25:15 That was the last communication I had received through texts. 25:18 There was a phone call the day off, 25:22 and she had called me and she said, 25:24 I said, "I have to work late. 25:25 So, I'm not gonna be able to meet up 25:27 with you guys tonight." 25:29 And she said, "Mom, you always do this." 25:31 I said, "I know, I'm sorry. I'm stuck at work," 25:33 'cause in dialysis, your days can be really long. 25:35 Yes. 25:37 And she goes, 25:38 "I understand mom. It's okay. I love you." 25:41 And she was killed that night? 25:43 That night. 25:45 How did you get the call? Who called you? 25:47 It was 8:08 on Sunday morning. 25:50 You remember the time? 25:52 Yeah. 8:08. 25:54 I looked up at my clock and my phone was ringing 25:56 and I hurried up and grabbed it. 25:57 And it was a family member. 26:00 He said, "You have to get to McLaren Hospital right now. 26:04 Julie's in ICU." 26:06 And I felt it at that moment. 26:08 At that moment, I knew what happened 26:10 and I knew she was gone. 26:12 She was already gone. 26:14 She was already gone. 26:18 In our last few seconds 26:21 help somebody, 26:23 give them a word of encouragement? 26:27 Be who you are. 26:29 Find your inner strength, 26:31 find your strength or spirit. 26:36 Know that there are people that love you. 26:38 That's so key. 26:40 Know that there are people who love you and care. 26:42 Yes. 26:45 Well, I just want to say how much I appreciate you. 26:49 I love you with all my heart. 26:52 I'm gonna pray for you right now. 26:53 Can we do that? Yes, ma'am, of course. 26:56 Our dear most gracious kind, Heavenly Father, 26:58 we thank You for the opportunity 27:00 to have life. 27:01 Thank you for spearing Cheryl's life. 27:04 And now she's a testament to You and for others. 27:08 Continue to protect her 27:09 and bring healing to she and her family. 27:12 And, Father, we thank You, Lord, 27:13 for the life and time she had with Julie. 27:17 Now be with her, 27:18 continue to give her strength on her job, her home, 27:21 in the community 27:22 to save others, in Jesus' name. 27:24 Amen. Amen. 27:27 It's important for us to recognize 27:28 that domestic violence is real, 27:30 mental, verbal, psychological, 27:34 emotional, it's all there. 27:36 Physical, sexual, human trafficking. 27:39 Do your research, do your homework. 27:41 Know where your children are. 27:43 Be mindful and make sure 27:45 that you just don't ignore the red flags, 27:48 never ignore the red flags. 27:50 And it could save your life. 27:54 I'm here because I want you to live to be well. 27:58 Live to be well, 28:00 I'm Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin. 28:02 Let's end it now, domestic violence. 28:05 God bless. |
Revised 2021-08-30