Participants: Jennifer Jill Schwirzer Robert Davidson (Host), David Guerrero, Christina Cecotto, Nivishi Edwards
Series Code: MOC
Program Code: MOC000009A
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00:26 Welcome to A Multitude of Counselors.
00:29 My name is Jennifer Jill Schwirzer, 00:31 and I'm so glad you joined us for our program today. 00:34 We are a program devoted 00:35 to helping raise awareness about mental health, 00:38 human psychology from a biblical standpoint, 00:41 and we like to also offer really practical, viable 00:45 and also spiritually grounded solutions 00:48 for some of the most difficult problems 00:50 that we face as human beings. 00:53 I have with me today a treatment team 00:55 and I would like to introduce them one by one. 00:57 First we have David Guerrero. 00:59 David is from Wisconsin 01:01 and David is so many things that makes me dizzy, 01:03 he is a pastor, he is a chaplain, 01:05 he is a life coach 01:07 and he's a biblically certified counselor. 01:10 He also runs a ministry called "Rekindle the Flame" 01:13 under which he does seminars. 01:15 And have you written a book yet? 01:16 Yes, I have. 01:18 Oh, he has written a book, okay. 01:19 A book on fatherhood. 01:20 A book on fatherhood? 01:22 It's called Fatherhood: Reclaiming Your God Given Role. 01:24 Reclaiming Your God Given Role, that's fabulous, 01:27 you have to send me a complimentary copy of that. 01:29 I will do that. Thank you. 01:31 And David likes to work with people 01:33 in a variety presentations 01:35 and he likes to help people communicate 01:37 and that's what we're gonna be talking about today. 01:39 We also have Christina Cecotto. 01:42 She is from Georgia. 01:44 And Christina is a licensed masters in social work. 01:48 She works at Wildwood Lifestyle Center 01:51 as a mental health counselor 01:53 and she loves to help people learn 01:55 healthy lifestyle practices 01:58 which in turn affects their mental health 02:01 and she also does counseling. 02:02 She likes to help people through things like 02:04 mood disorders, anxiety and phobias, 02:07 special little concentration there 02:09 and that's significant 02:10 because phobias are the most common anxiety diagnosis, 02:13 so great choice there, 02:15 Christina great to have you. 02:16 We also have Nivishi, Dr. Nivishi Edwards. 02:20 Dr. Nivishi is from Tennessee 02:24 where she conducts a virtual private practice. 02:28 And what does that mean, virtual private practice, 02:30 you mean you counsel via, you know... 02:33 Via the internet, Skype, Spacetime, Google Hangout. 02:38 Okay, and that's awesome just wanted to clarify that. 02:40 You also teach at Southern Adventist University, 02:43 and she's an inspiring author and a presenter, 02:46 and 'cause that's where I met at summer, 02:48 we were both presenting 02:49 and just an amazing all around person. 02:52 She is also interestingly enough single 02:54 and a marriage therapist. 02:56 So go figure, you know, 02:58 but she really does excel in helping coach people 03:02 through relationship issues 03:03 and we really appreciate your presence for today 03:06 because we're gonna be talking about communication, 03:07 so it's right up your alley. 03:08 Thank you. 03:10 And we also have my co-host, Rob Davidson. 03:12 Rob is from the DC area, 03:14 and Rob is a private practice counselor, 03:17 he likes to help with a variety of different things, 03:19 but one of the things he really focuses on is again 03:22 biblical manhood integrity 03:24 and servant leadership in helping coaching 03:27 and mentoring men in those kind of things, 03:29 so each one of you're so needed 03:31 and so welcome today on our program. 03:33 We're going to be talking about Miscommunication. 03:36 And that's not of a women, it a reality. 03:40 Miscommunication, 03:41 so let me define miscommunication. 03:44 Simply poor habits of transmitting thoughts 03:46 and feelings, fair enough. 03:48 But let's look at good communication 03:50 to better understand what is miscommunication? 03:53 Good communication is when the sender sends a message 03:58 and the receiver receives the message 04:00 and then gives feedback back to the sender, 04:03 effectively sending their own message of feedback 04:06 and that feedback loop, 04:08 positive feedback loop continues, 04:11 that's good communication. 04:13 But lot of things can go wrong with communication, can't they? 04:16 And you and I know that better than anyone, 04:19 so the prevalence of miscommunication is crazy. 04:24 I would say we're all still learning 04:26 how to be good communicators. 04:28 The cause in my experience is most often 04:31 absence of good communication habits in the family of origin 04:35 because we human beings learn by imitation. 04:38 And we're like wet cement as we grow up 04:41 and we take the impress of the people around us 04:44 and we adopt the thinking 04:47 that we see modeled by them may not be articulated, 04:50 we're kind of subverbal when we're children, 04:52 but we still take on the believe system 04:54 of those around us, 04:56 and we also mimic the behaviors 04:58 including the communication habits of those around us. 05:01 So that I see as the primary cause although there can be, 05:04 you know, traumatic or other kinds of brain injury 05:07 that interrupt a person's ability to listen and speak. 05:11 Prognosis, what do we usually say about prognosis? 05:15 That's good. Very good. 05:16 People can learn, can't they? 05:17 God has created us with tremendous resiliency 05:20 and the Holy Spirit comes in and empowers that resiliency. 05:22 We're created by God, 05:24 He knew that when we found ourselves 05:26 in this sinful context, 05:28 we would need the ability 05:29 to make a come back from damage. 05:32 He knew we would get damaged 05:33 but he also knew that it would be possible 05:35 to recover from that damage 05:37 and to learn new habits of functioning, 05:40 a new habits of living. 05:43 We also want to look at treatments. 05:45 I would say some of the best treatments are seminars, 05:48 self help books, of course counseling, 05:51 because a counselor can sit down and say, 05:53 now what just happened here 05:55 and sort of get you to analyze what's wrong. 05:57 And I would just say practice, we need to practice, 06:00 and that's where role modeling comes in, 06:02 and we've talked about that before. 06:04 One of the things that 06:05 I see is a big cause of miscommunication is 06:07 we don't generally successfully or effectively 06:11 communicate our emotions. 06:13 We, yes, I think especially in western culture 06:16 we aren't that good at identifying our emotions, 06:22 and then communicating those emotions effectively. 06:25 And one of the things I do with my clients is I tell them 06:27 expand your emotional vocabulary, 06:30 and I'll give them what's called the feeling wheel, 06:33 and the feeling wheel is like a diagram 06:35 that shows all the different emotions 06:36 and all the different colors of emotion 06:39 we have as human beings. 06:40 And I get them to look at the words 06:42 that describe those feelings, 06:43 and start to learn to identify those, 06:45 because you know, we all have 06:46 this little part of our brain called the insula 06:48 install you know, and the hard drive so to speak. 06:51 God put it there but we don't always use it. 06:53 And that insula is responsible for what we call 06:55 interoceptive awareness which is self awareness. 06:58 The ability to read our own even physical state, 07:01 I'm hungry, I'm tired and our emotional state, 07:04 I feel my stress level rising, I'm starting to get angry, 07:08 so that interoceptive awareness is something we cultivate, 07:11 and then we can also cultivate the ability to communicate it 07:14 effectively to those around us, 07:16 so that we can start to connect 07:18 on an emotional level with people 07:20 which once you have an emotional bond, 07:22 there is desire to get along. 07:26 And so a lot of the miscommunication comes 07:28 because there is a lack of a bond 07:30 and then there is no good will there in that relationship, 07:34 so once you establish that goodwill, 07:35 then you have a desire to get a along 07:37 and more motivation 07:39 to communicate effectively, makes sense. 07:40 Yes. 07:42 So what have you guys used with your clients 07:43 and what has worked for you in your lives 07:45 as you've learned 07:46 how to become great communicators 07:48 which I assume you have? 07:50 One of the first thing 07:52 I typically encourage clients to do 07:54 when they're having issues with miscommunication 07:56 and I think, 07:57 I teach this because it resonates with me personally, 08:00 something I learned 08:01 as a high schooler is with my high school guidance counselor. 08:05 And she taught me to do the, I feel, when you, I need. 08:10 So it's I feel, whatever. 08:12 When you, whatever. 08:15 I need, whatever. 08:17 And sometimes just having the opportunity 08:19 to talk with someone 08:21 and break down what's going on 08:23 in the emotional needs at that point. 08:25 Diminishes whatever feelings may be occurring 08:28 in the communication experience, 08:30 and then it enhances the opportunity to have 08:34 as you're talking about, Jennifer, 08:35 the bond that takes place. 08:37 An emotional bond. Yes. 08:38 And that's very powerful 08:41 because what we do at Rekindle Ministries 08:44 is we inspire hope through giving information 08:47 and some of the information is what you just said. 08:50 And what we usually do 08:51 and I know this may sound little frightening is 08:53 one of the first things that I'll tell them is, 08:55 did you know that 85 percent of marriages end up in divorce 08:58 because of lack of communication and... 09:00 That's very scary. 09:02 She said, it is scary. 09:04 But we move from there saying, well, 09:05 what is the cause of that? 09:07 And when you look at the world today, 09:08 and one question I asked him 09:10 growing up who told you how to communicate? 09:13 And there is that blank stare that you give me now. 09:15 And I'll say, when you were in school 09:17 who told you how to communicate? 09:18 You mean in terms of didactic. 09:19 Yes. Yeah. 09:21 And I said, when did you take a class of communication? 09:22 And they say, never. 09:23 And I say you know what? 09:25 I have my master degree and I never took a class on 09:26 being effective in communicating. 09:29 And I said, so there is hope 09:30 because today during this first session 09:33 we're gonna share with you, 09:34 how you can be effective in your communication 09:36 and turn this thing around. 09:38 I love that because it's occurred to me as well 09:41 that we train for our career, 09:44 and we spend thousands and thousands of dollars 09:47 and hours and hours of time, 09:49 but what ultimately determines our success as a human being 09:52 really... 09:53 When you're on your death bed is it that oh, no, 09:56 I didn't accomplish enough or is that you know, 09:59 did I love and ones I love, did I forgive and did I... 10:02 that's what my dad cared about 10:04 as he was dying of cancer was his family. 10:06 And if only we sit people down 10:08 and teach them 10:09 how to communicate in the school system 10:11 that's where it should take place at least partially. 10:13 It's also important to remember 10:15 that we're always communicating. 10:16 Yeah. 10:17 All the times we think 10:19 communication only happens verbally, 10:20 but we... 10:21 Body language. 10:23 Body language is a form of communication. 10:24 How we say it. 10:26 Absolutely, 10:27 and so it's important to remember 10:28 that even when we don't speak we're communicating 10:31 and the question for us to ask ourselves is 10:33 what are we communicating? 10:35 Okay. 10:36 I don't know if anybody... 10:37 So what is a message that I'm sending. 10:39 Yeah, absolutely. Oh, yes. 10:40 Right, by what I'm saying, 10:42 I'm saying in my body language. 10:43 Yes. 10:44 What is being communicated is well above 50 percent 10:46 through body language. 10:47 Well, above 50 percent. Yeah. 10:48 I don't if anybody remembers that percentage but... 10:50 Yeah. 10:51 Also go to a baby sometime 10:52 that doesn't understand words and go, 10:54 "You are the ugliest baby I've ever seen." 10:56 And they'll just feel like smiling 10:58 'cause they're looking at your facial expression. 11:00 Okay, so what you guys saying is that 11:02 developing communication skills is very crucial 11:05 for miscommunication. 11:08 Another thing I think that 11:10 causes miscommunication is all that noise 11:12 we have in our heads sometimes, 11:15 I think that we really need to identify 11:17 what thoughts are going on, 11:19 are we judging the other person's motives 11:20 for what they're saying 11:22 or we wanting to hear something 11:24 when we're actually not hearing that. 11:26 I think another thing too is cognitive distortions 11:30 which in other words we can call them thinking mistakes, 11:33 which may be, big one is mind reading, 11:35 so thinking okay, they don't like me 11:38 or interpreting the message in a incorrect way. 11:42 And also the deep core beliefs that each of us 11:45 have such as being unlovable, worthless, helpless 11:49 can causes to have a filter 11:52 which we allow owing that which we agree with 11:55 to come through that's in harmony with our belief 11:57 so it continues to strengthen our distorted thoughts 11:59 or distorted beliefs. 12:01 And you know that is what causes to conflict 12:05 because what you're thinking 12:06 and what I'm thinking may be different. 12:08 My values and your values may be different 12:10 and when we start to express them, 12:12 there comes the conflict. 12:14 Another major issue... 12:15 And then they come to miscommunication. 12:17 Yeah. 12:18 And that's why it's always good too 12:19 and I try to tell the people 12:21 I'm counseling that when one is done to say, 12:23 what did you hear me saying? 12:24 Absolutely. Yeah. 12:26 The speaker listener technique. 12:27 Yeah, yes. 12:29 Actually you know about that, I'm sure. 12:30 Absolutely, I love to use that, I love it. 12:32 What is it? 12:34 Okay, do you want to practice it? 12:35 Yeah, let's do it. Let's try. 12:37 So real quick, you know, 12:40 I woke up this morning and I was a bit anxious. 12:43 Okay, so what I hear you saying is 12:45 when you woke up this morning you felt anxious. 12:47 Yeah. Bit anxious. 12:49 Yeah, that's exactly how I was feeling. 12:51 And I wasn't sure what was gonna happen today. 12:53 And I'm not sure if I want it today to happen. 12:56 And so you weren't sure what was gonna happen today, 13:00 and you were not sure about that-- 13:03 Would you say that again for me, please? 13:04 Yeah, not sure if I want it today to happen. 13:08 And you're saying you're not sure when you woke up, 13:11 you weren't sure if you want it today to happen. 13:12 So what's happening here is she's validating... 13:14 Reflecting back, what you're saying. 13:16 She's validating what I'm saying 13:18 and that's what I need as the speaker 13:20 but there is a lot more to it, 13:21 but that's just the tip of the iceberg. 13:23 And what some people do is this, 13:25 what do you mean you want to start your day? 13:27 Yeah. 13:29 Or they fix it immediately, 13:30 oh, don't be, don't be discouraged, 13:31 everything is fine. 13:33 And this is not the listener speaker technique. 13:34 Then you get up and pray this morning? 13:36 How come you? 13:37 Lot of judgment. 13:38 Then there is that what you're saying. 13:40 With couples if we can learn to practice this 13:41 which is getting them out of their comfort zones, 13:43 then they're able to start to hear one another 13:47 in ways that they haven't heard before. 13:48 Absolutely. 13:50 It's refreshing to see it happen actually. 13:51 It's powerful if people are willing to do. 13:53 I have tried to coach people 13:55 through the speaker listener technique 13:57 and I've done it 13:58 and it's been amazing almost without exception 14:00 but there been a few cases I couldn't get them to do it. 14:03 It's like they couldn't get out of their 14:05 own subjective experience long enough 14:07 to receive the other person's. 14:09 I like what you're saying about the static in the mind, 14:12 and the preconceived ideas 14:14 we have in our schematic beliefs 14:17 that color our ability to take in one another person saying 14:21 almost like we sort of predestined them 14:23 to fit the mold of people in the past. 14:26 And I want to pursue that threat a little bit, 14:30 we call that in marriage counseling, 14:32 I don't if you guys label the same way 14:33 but I call it negative interpretation 14:37 where the one partner 14:39 may have every good intention toward their partner 14:42 but the other one interprets it negatively 14:45 over and over again 14:47 and what I want to bring out is that, 14:48 that's super frustrating. 14:50 I have clients that negatively interpret me 14:53 and I find it frustrating 14:54 and it really calls out my patience 14:55 and I have to realize that, 14:57 you know, they're struggling with something 14:59 but they haven't overcome yet 15:01 and they need to develop a new skill of receiving 15:03 what I'm actually saying 15:05 instead of taking it personally, you know. 15:06 Right. 15:07 Doesn't the scripture... 15:09 I'm sorry, oh, the scripture says 15:10 for us to assume positive intent. 15:11 Yes. 15:13 Don't assume the wrong thing right off the bat. 15:14 Right, and something I notice too is we 15:16 sometimes with that example, 15:18 a person can't believe they won't believe 15:21 what you're saying even though you think, 15:22 this is for me only I can know. 15:24 Yeah. 15:25 What I mean so I'm telling you, yeah, 15:27 the other person won't believe what you mean, 15:29 and they won't take what you're saying as true. 15:32 And yeah, as far as I'm concerned 15:34 if I have a choice between believing good things 15:38 about what they're saying, 15:39 even though they might be saying something bad 15:40 and just being oblivious to their negative intent, 15:43 or assuming that being negative 15:45 when may be they're being positive. 15:47 I'd much rather err on the side of being oblivious. 15:48 Right. 15:50 'Cause I'd be happier. Yeah. 15:51 The technology I often used for that two of them, 15:54 I call it's Thinking, Thinking. 15:55 Yes, okay. 15:57 And the committee in my head. 15:59 So if I have a committee telling me all these things 16:01 that probably aren't true, 16:02 I need to work on dismissing that committee. 16:05 Wow. Okay. 16:06 And taking the person at face value 16:08 accepting them in the positive light 16:11 with which they come. 16:12 And if I have this Thinking, Thinking, 16:14 I need to turn that off as well. 16:15 Yeah. 16:16 And invite positivity. 16:18 And Jesus said as a man thinks in his heart, so is he. 16:21 Yes. 16:23 So as soon as you're done making your comment, 16:25 can you get into the presenting problem? 16:26 Oh, sure. 16:27 When you get right down to it, 16:29 when couples are talking together 16:30 and the emotion start to heat up a little bit, 16:31 we have to remember, 16:33 this person loves me and I love that person. 16:35 Amen. 16:36 That is the underlying current 16:38 and we can get through this conflict 16:40 if we remember the big picture in the bottom line. 16:43 Yeah, love conquers all. 16:44 We're gonna be continuing a lot of this stuff, 16:46 when we talk about conflict resolution and anger, 16:49 so we've covered a lot of really ground here, 16:51 go ahead and get into that problem if you will. 16:53 Okay, presenting problem 16:54 Tina and Rodger are an older upper middle class 16:57 African-American couple 16:59 with a long established pattern of miscommunication 17:02 in their 38 year marriage. 17:04 Tina wishes Rodger would talk to her more 17:07 and Rodger interprets Tina's pushing 17:09 for more communication as criticism. 17:11 Tina feels abandoned 17:13 and Rodger feels that Tina finds him inadequate. 17:16 She says he doesn't love me. 17:18 He says, I'll never be good enough for her. 17:22 Tina has a group of lady friends at church 17:23 who engage in various missionary projects. 17:26 And Rodger loves his hobby 17:27 of building musical instruments. 17:29 In their 60s they've seen position to age to get together 17:33 in an unsatisfying if stable union. 17:37 Can you help Tina and Rodger to break free? 17:39 Okay, guys, what would you do? 17:42 What's the first thing, 17:43 what's first step would you take? 17:45 One of the things that I think is crucial. 17:47 I just want to read this 17:48 and then may be I can explain this little further. 17:50 It says the will of God is that his love 17:53 shall close the eyes, the ears, and the heart, 17:57 to all such provocations 17:58 and to all the suggestions with which Satan would fill them. 18:03 So I think a big part of this is, 18:07 of course there is many aspects of this, 18:09 but a big part of this is to be able to be filled completely 18:12 with the love of Christ. 18:14 So that our eyes, our ears, 18:16 and our heart is closed to all such provocations 18:20 and suggestions from Satan or any of that noise. 18:21 And so what are the provocations and suggestions 18:23 like, what are you saying are those 18:25 provocations and suggestions? 18:26 So any of the things that aren't true 18:29 that we might be telling ourselves 18:30 all that noise I was talking about earlier. 18:32 The assumptions we make about other people... 18:34 Exactly judging... 18:35 Without really knowing. 18:37 Judging other's motives, 18:38 that's spirit of let me justify myself 18:39 and I don't want to hear you. 18:41 And not coming together 18:42 to truly understand the other party. 18:44 But coming together to be able to justify self. 18:47 So you're saying we as individuals have a choice. 18:50 Communication involves two individuals 18:53 making choices to communicate effectively. 18:55 And we can, what is it, close our ears to all? 18:58 Close our ears, our eyes and our heart 19:01 to all such provocations and to all the suggestions 19:03 with which Satan would fill them, 19:05 so that way the couple can come together 19:08 and actually take them, 19:09 take what they're saying at face value as you said. 19:13 And you kind of have to forget the history, 19:14 'cause lot of times when you working with couples, 19:15 there is this huge legacy that you're dealing with. 19:19 And if you can get them to start over 19:21 and sort of like be willing to believe 19:24 that God can create a new thing here. 19:26 You know, that's half the battle at their, 19:28 'cause they tend to carry their baggage into the present. 19:30 Yep. 19:32 With Tina and Rodger, 19:33 I wonder about their level of awareness 19:34 and I think it starts there with a desire to change 19:37 and have new skills and to learn new skills 19:39 and incorporate it into relational experience. 19:42 They have a system that's been working for them, 19:45 although it's an unhealthy system. 19:46 Yeah. It's been working. 19:48 They've been married for 38 years, and so. 19:50 It's stable. 19:52 Yes. Yeah. 19:53 And so if that is working for them, 19:55 and they desire nothing different, 19:57 they won't have anything more healthy. 19:59 Sure. 20:01 So awareness and a desire for change 20:03 would need to be first steps with this couple. 20:07 Yeah. 20:08 As I read this, 20:09 what I'm seeing and hearing is that 20:13 there is this slow eroding in their relationship 20:17 and there is a distancing. 20:19 So one thing that I would try to do 20:21 and I've done in our counseling sessions, 20:23 is I asked a couple 20:24 if they would be willing to write up to ten things 20:28 that they want to do in the next say two years. 20:31 And they'll write them separately. 20:33 Do like as an activities or... 20:35 Yeah, doing activity, 20:36 places they want to go think that they've aspired to, 20:39 yeah, dates or whatever. 20:40 And then they'll take may be 20:42 two, three minutes and write them down, 20:43 and I'll say now switch your papers. 20:46 Now I'll say, and I want to do something 20:48 check off things on that list that you would like to do. 20:52 And what I'm trying to do is 20:54 bring them together on common ground 20:56 and sometimes the husband and wife will say, 20:58 I didn't know that you like to do that, 21:00 yeah, you know I do. 21:01 And then taking to the next step and say well, 21:04 let's begin talking about those things. 21:06 And what I'm attempting to do is to bring them together 21:08 on common ground to start to talk to one another 21:11 about these things. 21:12 That is so powerful, 21:14 it reminds me a little of love languages 21:15 where the whole genius of love languages is I know 21:19 what that other person hears, 21:21 I know what kind of language they can hear 21:23 and I learned to talk in their language 21:25 so it kind of pulls you out of yourself. 21:26 And that's exactly what that exercise 21:28 does is it kind of pulls the person out of themselves 21:31 into the other person subjective life, beautiful. 21:35 I'm glad you brought up love languages 21:36 because many times 21:38 we will say this is my love language 21:40 and this is yours, 21:41 in that way this is mine 21:43 and I'm not gonna try the others. 21:44 Yeah. 21:46 And I think that if you look at Jesus, 21:47 He was very well rounded when it came to love languages. 21:50 He didn't just pick one, 21:51 and only demonstrate one love language. 21:54 He had all of them. 21:56 And so sometimes I think we need to say 21:58 well, this is mine and that's how I'm 21:59 and that's what I'm gonna using 22:01 I'm not gonna use anything else. 22:02 But Jesus is our example. That's powerful. 22:03 And you received and heard all the love languages 22:05 the gift from Mary, the words from you know, 22:08 the lepers that He healed and so forth. 22:10 And we have to be careful with love languages 22:12 because sometimes they become selfish. 22:15 And I believe that's what you're saying, is it? 22:16 Yeah. 22:17 This is my love language 22:19 so this is what I'm expecting to do, 22:20 and if you don't do it, 22:21 I'm not gonna do anything for you. 22:23 Then you didn't talk of my love language. 22:24 Yes, that's right. 22:26 That's not love. 22:27 With our listening audience what love languages are 22:28 or maybe where they can, yes. 22:30 There's a book written... Yeah, very good, 22:31 good book written by man name Gary Chapman, 22:32 he's a Christian 22:34 and it's all grounded I think in the book of principles, 22:35 and I think his genius was he's trying to get 22:37 people to talk in their partner's love language, 22:40 you know, to get out of themselves 22:41 and like figure out 22:42 what works with their partner rather than, 22:44 oh, I know my love languages, 22:45 so you got to talk in my language, 22:47 I don't think that's what he was going forth, 22:49 I think he's going for the opposite, 22:50 but of course we make everything selfish. 22:52 As human beings we have a tendency to be selfish. 22:53 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 22:55 So excellent, excellent, guys, 22:57 any other ideas about what you would do 22:59 with this couple to get them off the square one, 23:01 I mean, they seem to be just kind of stuck. 23:03 It's not terrible, 23:04 there is not severe abuse going on, 23:06 but there is just a breakdown of communication. 23:08 Do you think that learning 23:10 how to communicate their feelings 23:12 would make a difference? 23:14 There was a suggestion given by, 23:16 I don't actually remember who it was 23:17 but I thought it was amazing. 23:19 The suggestion was to 23:21 when you sit down have a conversation, 23:23 hear what the person has to say, 23:26 and simply say thank you afterward 23:28 and you cannot comment for the next 20 minutes 23:32 and I realty like that, 23:33 because our first initial reaction 23:35 when we hear what the other person wants are, 23:37 as in this case. 23:39 And they're telling each other what they want 23:41 and other person is interpreting as criticism. 23:43 Out first usually 23:45 what we do is we defend ourselves. 23:47 Defend, yeah. We justify ourselves. 23:48 So if we wait 20 minutes, 23:50 and we're not allowed to respond 23:51 then we have to take time to think about it. 23:53 And so I think that's powerful. 23:55 That is powerful, that's good. 23:57 You know, the Bible tells us to be quick too. 23:59 Hear. 24:00 And slow to... 24:01 Speak. Speak. 24:03 And slow to wrath. And slow to wrath. 24:04 We're gonna be touching on that in the conflict program. 24:08 But in communication we had to be quick to do what? 24:10 Listen. Listen. 24:11 And most the biggest lack 24:13 in communication is listening skills. 24:15 Listening is an art that most of us are not schooled in. 24:20 And one thing that we can bring to the couple 24:22 or the individuals in the room is 24:24 and you bought up earlier 24:25 have them practice right in front of you. 24:28 And have them say, you know, you say, 24:29 okay listen now tell me what did you hear them say? 24:32 Let me tell you vice versa. 24:33 I've had couples that when that has happened they would say, 24:35 you understood what I was saying? 24:37 Yeah, that was amazing, I love that. 24:39 And so they practice, practice, practice, 24:41 then take it home and practice, go ahead. 24:42 I don't know about you David but you're a man, 24:44 I'm a man and I wasn't brought up 24:45 to be expressing my emotions. 24:47 I'm not saying this, they are. 24:48 My first professor in graduate school, 24:51 my first professor said 24:53 I want you to start journaling your emotions 24:55 because you're not used to this 24:57 because you have to start practicing 24:58 this with your clients, 25:00 so the more that we can model 25:01 expressing our own emotions in the session. 25:05 Emotional awareness, yeah. 25:06 The better they're gonna catch that instead of teaching it. 25:09 And that's true for men overall. 25:11 Women like details 25:13 and man just kind of one word responses, 25:15 you ask me how my day was? 25:17 Good. 25:18 Yes, as though. 25:19 I'm gonna, I'm gonna... 25:21 I have to recap really quick. 25:22 Yes, no but usually like a woman will with details. 25:24 Got to recap this real quick now. 25:25 Yeah, he feels urgent about this, so go ahead. 25:28 Yeah. 25:29 So we're talking about the body language is so critical, 25:31 we have to be aware that 25:33 there is a high percentage of body language 25:34 in our communication. 25:36 We need to rebate identifying and expressing our emotions. 25:39 And this is something that we need to be learning, 25:42 and we can teach this in counseling. 25:44 But listener speaker technique is a wonderful way, 25:49 assume positive intent is very scriptural. 25:53 We always have to assume 25:54 that our partner loves us underneath of it all. 25:57 Stinking thinking pops up all over the place. 26:00 What is stinking thinking? 26:01 It is distorted thinking. 26:02 You've talked about the judgments 26:04 that we have inside our heads, 26:06 the things that we need to be identifying, 26:09 as we're listening to our partners. 26:11 Let's see you've talked about 26:13 being filled up with Christ in love. 26:15 This is so critical, 26:16 using scripture even before we start to communicate 26:19 with another can soften our hearts. 26:21 Challenging our assumptions all along the way, 26:24 and all of these things can be flushed out in counseling. 26:27 We need to be educating folks 26:29 that the fact that God can help us, 26:31 He can finish what He has started this perfect work 26:34 that He is doing in us. 26:35 Sometimes we lose hope in that in the heat of the conflict. 26:39 We have to know what their willingness is to change. 26:41 We have to get that on a scale sometimes, 26:45 where is your willingness to change in like how you said 26:48 earlier, David, that we can pump that 26:50 how can we get that from a two to three or to four, 26:52 session by session. 26:54 I mention writing ten things down for the next years. 26:57 Get them on common ground. 26:58 Common ground. 26:59 These are wonderful techniques. 27:01 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is an excellent book. 27:04 He has a new book out called the family 27:07 that you've always wanted to have 27:08 highly recommended, beautiful book. 27:10 It's great, it's great. 27:12 So. Praise God. 27:13 Okay, well, the wise man said, 27:17 that a wise man's heart guides his mouth 27:20 and his lips promote instruction. 27:23 We've been talking about good listening 27:25 which is essential to good communication, 27:27 but we also we want to check our words 27:29 and make sure that we're speaking words 27:31 that saver of life unto life rather than death unto death. 27:35 So I hope you've learned something about 27:38 how to be a great communicator. 27:40 Come back to future programs 27:42 'cause we're gonna cover more ground, 27:43 we're gonna cover conflict resolution, 27:45 how to handle anger. 27:46 We love having you come to our program, 27:48 we're dedicated to helping you better understand 27:51 how to solve some of the most difficult situations in life, 27:55 through the grace of Jesus Christ 27:56 who is always willing to heal and always willing to bless. |
Revised 2016-11-14