Participants: Jennifer Jill Schwirzer Robert Davidson (Host), Dr. Jean Wright, David Guerrero, Nivish Edwards
Series Code: MOC
Program Code: MOC000011A
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00:26 Welcome to A Multitude of Counselors.
00:29 We're so glad you came to our program today. 00:31 We are dedicated to helping us all better understand 00:35 mental behavioral, emotional, 00:37 psychological and spiritual health issues, 00:40 and to probe them and to understand them 00:42 and also to offer viable practical solutions 00:46 so that you can be as healthy as possible. 00:49 I want to introduce my treatment team today, 00:52 my illustrious team of counselors and therapists. 00:56 First we have David Guerrero from Wisconsin, 01:00 who runs a ministry called Rekindle the Flame. 01:04 It has such a amazing tone to it, David, I love it. 01:08 Praise Lord. 01:09 And under that ministry David carries a big tool box, 01:12 he has pastoring experience, he's a chaplain, 01:17 he has learnt how to do life coaching, 01:19 he teaches life coaching, 01:21 he's a biblically certified counselor. 01:23 And he's working on his doctorate of naturopathy. 01:27 He likes to work with couples and families and do intensives 01:31 and just, he just never stops. 01:33 But he also makes time for his own family. 01:34 Yes, that's important, priority number one. 01:36 That's important, amen. We also have Nivish. 01:38 Dr. Nivish Edwards from Tennessee. 01:42 She's a virtual private practice counselor. 01:45 She also teaches for Southern Adventist University 01:48 and she loves to work with people on relationships 01:52 including relationships with themselves 01:55 and of all things she's a single marriage counselor. 01:59 But she apparently does very well at it and, you know, 02:03 it's not a it's not a problem, huh. 02:05 Not a problem. 02:06 And so when, when it does happen, if it does happen 02:08 you're gonna be fully equipped, right? 02:10 I do believe. Yes. 02:12 By God's grace. Awesome. 02:13 So good to have you. 02:15 So thankful to have Dr. Jean Wright as well. 02:18 Dr Jean is from Philadelphia and he is the director 02:22 of the Behavioral... 02:24 Oh, wait I'm saying this wrong 02:26 Behavioral Health and Justice Department. 02:27 Correct, yes. 02:28 And the Behavioral Health Department in Philadelphia. 02:31 He also has a private practice and he likes... 02:34 He's has a book out and he likes to work 02:36 with community, forgiveness and restoration so, 02:39 our topic today will factor right into that 02:41 because we're gonna be talking about anger. 02:43 And I also have my partner Rob Davidson. 02:47 ROB is my co-host and he also works with me 02:50 at Abide Counseling Network, 02:51 and Rob is an amazing man with a lot of gifts, 02:55 he is a private practice counselor, 02:57 he talks individuals, he talks to couples, 02:59 he talks to families. 03:00 He likes to help men develop servant leader capacities 03:04 and capabilities and develop biblical integrity, 03:07 and biblical manhood. 03:10 So that is so important and so needed 03:11 and we're so glad you're here today as well. 03:14 Thank you for coming and we're gonna put our minds 03:16 to task on this topic of anger. 03:20 You know anger is a big subject, isn't it? 03:22 So let's define it first of all, 03:25 a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility. 03:29 Now, that isn't necessarily a bad thing and I'm sure 03:32 we're gonna talk about that but it can become a bad thing 03:35 and people can develop a habit of acting out on their anger 03:39 in such a way that it's destructive to relationships 03:42 and ultimately to themselves. 03:44 There's quite a bit of research about hostility levels 03:47 and heart disease for instance 03:48 and their hostility levels are more telling 03:51 and more impacting on heart disease than things 03:54 that we would think would be more impacting like 03:56 exercise and lifestyle. 03:58 So hostility, anger can be a problem. 04:02 The diagnosis that's in the diagnostic manual 04:05 is intermittent explosive disorder, 04:07 but it's better known as being a rage what, 04:10 rageaholic and the prevalence apparently is just over 04:14 7% of people could be diagnosed with 04:17 intermittent explosive disorder, that's prevalence. 04:21 And the reason we don't think it's that high is because 04:24 most of that happens what behind closed doors. 04:27 That's right in the privacy of people's homes often. 04:30 The cause I would say of having an anger problem 04:33 would be genetics, that cocktail of genetics 04:36 and environment and I can say this is true of me. 04:40 I was raised by a dad, got his genetics, 04:43 he had a bit of intermittent explosive disorder I think. 04:46 And then I was raised in a home 04:49 where I saw him handle stress that way, 04:51 and I adopted the thinking, and I mimicked the behaviors, 04:55 and I came into adulthood, and then acted out 04:57 and tended to explode such that it was always with my husband 05:01 we tend to do this with the people we are closest to. 05:03 And I remember once, my husband's quiet 05:06 and so he'd be more passive aggressive 05:08 but I being more just plain aggressive 05:10 and I exploded on him and went to apologize to my daughter 05:14 who witnessed the event and she said, 05:16 "Daddy had a short temper." 05:17 And I couldn't figure out why she was saying that 05:19 she looked at me and said, 05:20 "And you had a long temper, mom." 05:22 I'm serious. 05:23 So I struggled through that, 05:25 but I was able by the grace of God 05:26 to largely overcome and I still have my moments 05:28 but, not like I used to 05:30 and God has really done a work in my life. 05:32 I just want to show up and say, I'm as flawed as anyone. 05:35 But I would say that the cause is those genetics 05:38 and environment and then belief systems that we adopt. 05:40 And I also want to look at a diagram that is called, 05:43 "Anger in the Brain" that shows what happens 05:45 on a neurological level when we have an anger response. 05:48 Sensory data goes to the thalamus, 05:51 which is part of the limbic system, 05:52 the emotional brain, 05:54 the data is sent to the amygdala, 05:56 another part of the emotional brain, 05:57 the data is also sent to the cortex. 06:00 The amygdala does a quick threat assessment 06:03 and then often the amygdala blocks slow thinking. 06:06 And slow thinking is reasoned rational sensible thinking. 06:10 Once the amygdala blocks that slow thinking, 06:13 then we have the unthinking response 06:15 and that's what anger is, 06:17 it's the kind of the anal part of the brain reacting 06:19 and that's what happens on a neurological level. 06:21 The prognosis as always though is what? 06:25 It's positive because Jesus saves, and I could say, 06:29 he saved me, and he continues to save me 06:31 on a day-to-day basis. 06:33 The treatments include of course 06:34 cognitive behavioral therapy. 06:36 If someone has a severe anger problem, 06:38 some medications may take the edge off of that. 06:41 Overall good nervous system health 06:44 and care can help with that. 06:46 And I would say that alcohol and other narcotic substances 06:49 can unnaturally excite the nervous system 06:51 so a simple healthy lifestyle is paramount 06:55 and I always encourage people to learn deep breathing 06:59 if they are going to manage their anger responses. 07:03 So a quick one way that you can do deep breathing 07:06 and just about every therapist I know does some kind of 07:08 deep breathing, this is what I do, 07:09 breath through a straw or pretend straw, 07:12 first exhale completely, inhale to the count of ten, 07:16 hold for six so that that oxygen can get to the brain 07:19 and then exhale slowly through the straw 07:23 like that to the count of 14. 07:25 And I've heard some people say 07:27 it helps to relax all your muscles 07:29 when you feel an anger response including your posture, 07:32 like just kind of slump over, because you're less likely 07:35 to get aggressive when you're like this 07:37 than if you're like this, you know, so interesting 07:40 but that deep breathing definitely makes a difference. 07:43 What do you guys do to help people through anger 07:45 or what have you done to help yourself 07:48 and what do you do to help yourself? 07:49 You know as you were talking a Bible verse, 07:52 a scripture came into my mind and in this verse 07:55 we can see the genius of God. 07:57 This is what God gives to us in the Book of Psalms 4:4, 08:01 "Be angry, and do not sin." 08:03 And now watch what he tells us to do, 08:06 "Meditate with your heart on your bed and be still." 08:12 Right. 08:13 We come aside, go somewhere else, we still... 08:16 What is that being meditate with your heart? 08:18 Well... Sort of examine your own... 08:20 Yeah, examine your heart, examine your emotions. 08:23 There's an acronym that I use in counseling RAC, 08:26 recognize the emotion, 08:29 admit what you've done or what you're about to do 08:32 and if you've done something wrong to confess it. 08:36 So if I'm gonna meditate right, 08:38 I'm gonna come aside and meditate. 08:39 I'm gonna recognize and acknowledge and admit 08:42 what's was going and the Bible says 08:44 watch what happens when I'm able to do that. 08:48 I can come back after I'm still and I can offer 08:51 the sacrifices of righteousness 08:55 and so that means I can come back and do what's right. 08:57 And listen to how he finishes this verse, 09:00 "And put your trust in the Lord." 09:02 Oftentimes when I'm angry and I... 09:05 And there's a burst of anger and I engage 09:08 in a negative behavior is because 09:10 I haven't put my trust in God. 09:12 I put my trust in myself, in my own ideas 09:16 and the things that I value and because 09:19 that has become so important to me or has become an idol. 09:23 I tell you or to my expressions I'm saying leave my idol alone, 09:27 this is what I want, 09:29 but if I can come aside right and rest, 09:32 be still and let God talk to me... 09:33 David, it sounds like... 09:35 I can offer the sacrifice of righteousness. 09:36 Go ahead, brother. 09:37 It sounds like this wonderful process 09:39 that you just described is what we need to do 09:41 when we're starting to feel the anger 09:43 because this slows us down. 09:45 Yes, and that's what she was saying. 09:46 Yes, so that's a good process 09:48 that you spell out for the client. 09:49 I like that Rob, I use... 09:52 Acronyms are so helpful, it helps clients remember 09:54 and the one I use often is halt, 09:57 H-A-L-T 09:59 check to see if you're reacting in anger. 10:01 Are you hungry? 10:02 Are you angry? 10:04 Are you feeling lonely? 10:05 Are you tired? 10:07 Usually, if you have these things at play, 10:09 either all four of them or any of the combinations, 10:12 there's something that's triggering us 10:14 and we have a reactive response as a result of that. 10:17 So it's not a great time to do conflict resolution. 10:19 Not at all. 10:21 You got to take care of the primary problem first. 10:22 Absolutely. 10:23 Like I did the other day when I was getting hangry... 10:25 Hangry. 10:26 That's it, my blood sugar is low. 10:28 Absolutely. Yeah. 10:29 Yes. Yeah, that's awesome. 10:31 I use halt too a lot. 10:33 Acronyms are great because you can think of them 10:34 right in the moment and you remember what to do, 10:37 what steps to take and a lot of times 10:38 that's what it comes down to for people 10:40 is they have this learned response 10:42 and they've done it over and over their whole life 10:44 and to change that, they have to have something 10:45 that they can do instantly. 10:47 So, yeah, those are really helpful. 10:50 I use anger as a catalyst. Yeah. 10:53 So, you know exercise is one that works for me, 10:55 I'm still prone to the hungry and tired. 11:00 So exercise is very helpful 11:02 but when I'm working with a client, 11:03 I try to again normalize the fact that 11:05 anger is just an emotion like any other emotion. 11:08 It's what we do when we're angry, 11:10 in fact as she relate to rageaholic for instance, 11:13 and really looking at the catalyst part, 11:15 it gives you energy to do something 11:17 even if something like grief and loss and referring to 11:20 Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in writings 11:22 when she talks about the phases of grief, 11:25 and so anger is one of those phases, 11:27 and when you get to that phase, it causes that person 11:30 to move towards something, maybe to get a second opinion, 11:33 maybe is to recognize something is going on in your life, 11:36 but that anger can be a catalyst 11:39 toward something positive. 11:40 And so putting that with what your verse says, 11:43 you know, the verse says, "Be angry" 11:45 and then it tells you what to do after that, 11:48 it doesn't say don't be angry. 11:49 Don't be angry. 11:50 And so use your anger as a catalyst 11:52 to move you towards something positive. 11:53 I would love to hear it how you do that 11:55 with your community, forgiveness 11:57 and restoration stuff with the prison... 11:59 isn't that happen in a big kind of 12:01 panoramic like macro way? 12:03 It is. 12:05 Yeah, and one of the things that we talk about in terms 12:06 of that community, forgiveness and restoration 12:09 is by allowing people to go through stages and steps 12:12 to resolve their conflict in their anger, 12:15 and so many of them have, you know, 12:17 rightfully some challenges from being incarcerated 12:20 for a long period of time, how the guards treated them 12:22 how maybe family has turned their back 12:24 and so they have reasons to be angry. 12:26 But you do not have an excuse to act out 12:28 and harm other people. 12:30 And so your anger, your emotion is real 12:32 and it should be validated. 12:33 But it's what you do when you're angry, 12:35 so we walk them through the processes, 12:36 we do anger management classes 12:38 so that you're not managing rage, 12:40 you're managing an emotion called anger 12:42 and that's the key. 12:43 Isn't that why though Martin Luther King 12:45 was so much more effective than for instance, you know, 12:49 what's the other guys like name... 12:50 Malcolm X, because Malcolm X was in the anger 12:53 and acting on the anger but Martin Luther King said, 12:55 "No, we have to own our part of this 12:57 and we're gonna strive for non-violence, 12:59 but we're gonna stand on what we know to be true. 13:01 This is wrong and we know it's wrong, 13:03 and we're gonna stand up for what we know is right. 13:06 But we're gonna also own, we're moral beings as well." 13:08 Is that why he was more effective in the long run. 13:10 Yeah, I think Martin Luther King and Gandhi 13:11 were more in line with what Jesus Christ did 13:13 and what he, you know, modeled for us and that is but, 13:17 you know, Christ showed anger, you know. 13:19 There were times and it was appropriate anger 13:21 and I really like how you... 13:23 How do you distinguish between 13:24 appropriate and inappropriate anger? 13:26 The action, you know, 13:28 if you guys think back to emotional, 13:29 rational emotive therapy you remember that? 13:31 You know and looking at how the, your thoughts 13:34 or beliefs trigger an action. 13:37 And then there's a consequence, you know, the ABC, you know, 13:40 the antecedent, beliefs, consequences. 13:42 And so if I can structure my belief system 13:46 so that my action, you know, 13:48 reduces the level of consequence 13:50 being a negative one like striking out on someone, 13:53 then I have control over the anger, 13:55 it doesn't mean I don't feel it, 13:56 doesn't mean that it's not real. 13:58 It means that I have control over the anger 13:59 so that my responses are not harmful. 14:02 And you're saying you can take the energy 14:04 because anger is, there's a lot of energy there 14:06 and you can redirect it into positive lines... 14:08 Absolutely. 14:10 Versus acting impulsively and creating more distraction. 14:12 You know, look, I'm hearing something here is powerful 14:14 and you guys can help me out that anger. 14:17 Jesus was angry. 14:19 We read in scripture of God's wrath. 14:22 Anger is a God given emotion... 14:25 Like any other emotion. 14:26 Right, to handle the problem or the issue correctly, 14:31 affectively and righteously... 14:33 Yes. That's beautiful. 14:35 Isn't the primary emotion, it's fear, pain or frustration? 14:39 Usually, there are soft emotions underneath anger 14:42 usually, so what they call anger a secondary emotion, 14:45 that's kind of how I feel it. 14:47 Yeah, definitely encourage clients to check 14:48 what's going on underneath. 14:50 Yes. 14:51 The anger response is definitely as you said 14:53 Jennifer, secondary. 14:54 But what's going on under here that's really triggering 14:57 that anger emotion, because it's what's going on under here 15:00 that's really have happening... It triggered. 15:01 I reacted angrily because I felt offended. 15:05 I reacted in anger because my feelings were hurt, 15:09 because I was afraid, because I felt belittled 15:12 what's really going on under here, 15:14 and let's talk about these things 15:15 and rectify these things. 15:17 Yes, this is the beginning stage 15:18 that a client needs to recognize 15:20 where is this anger coming from. 15:22 So we're talking about as a secondary emotion here, 15:24 we're talking about we, when our self-worth 15:27 is being stepped on, it's not being met we're hurt, 15:31 and then that turns to anger. 15:32 So that's one way that anger can come out 15:34 because of our self-worth is not being met. 15:37 Another way is our 15:39 self-preservation is not being met, 15:40 our needs are basic needs in life 15:44 are not being met 15:45 and we can get angry about that. 15:47 In another way and this is the way that Jesus 15:50 really responded were self convictions. 15:55 He was convicted about things very strongly 15:58 and would get angry about that. 15:59 So it's important for the client to recognize 16:01 that there are legitimate reasons 16:04 why we do get angry, so let's start 16:06 with this awareness. 16:09 The reasons may be illegitimate but sometimes the way 16:11 that anger is handled actually makes us more irrational, 16:15 so we may have started out in an okay place. 16:17 But what we did with that ended up making it not okay, 16:20 and you now have an additional problem. 16:23 Now, you've made it a power struggle maybe 16:25 in a relationship, and you know I understand that 16:28 they've done research and then they initially thought 16:30 that people needed to just simply release their anger 16:34 and what they found was that 16:35 when people would just release their anger by expressing it. 16:38 Sometimes that would create an additional problem again 16:41 and they would start to take, 16:42 it would start take on a life of its own 16:45 and they would start to develop characteristics 16:47 of an angry person and that would be 16:48 their go to expression of emotions, 16:51 rather than getting to those root emotions 16:53 and dealing with those. 16:54 So I kind of, I'm just wondering with 16:56 what kind of therapy as we go through 16:57 our presenting problem, maybe we could talk about 16:59 what we would do with this guy to help him learn 17:02 how to properly control his anger. 17:05 Okay, so Joseph Strong is a very tall 53 year old 17:08 retired policeman, Irish descent, 17:11 strides into the office, your office and warmly says 17:13 hello in a deep bass voice. 17:16 He sits down in the chair and begins 17:17 to explain his situation immediately melting into tears 17:21 that continue to flow for most of the session. 17:23 He explains that he cannot control his temper 17:26 and then cannot shake the feelings of despair 17:28 that linger after he explodes. 17:30 For instance he exploded with a neighbor insulted his dog 17:34 but immediately regretted losing his temper. 17:36 Now, he feels deep shame and remorse 17:39 and wants to learn anger management." 17:42 This is an actual person and I just wanted 17:45 to get to the root of the anger and I said to him, so you know, 17:49 "You were mad at him for insulting your dog." 17:51 And he said, "Yeah" and I said, 17:53 "You know what was it about that insult. 17:56 Did you need to say something to him?" 17:57 And he said, "Yeah," and I said, 17:59 "What would happen if you hadn't." 18:00 And he said, "Well, nothing." 18:05 Literally that's what he did. 18:07 And he realize that some false beliefs were kind of 18:10 pushing him over that threshold so what would you guys 18:12 do this with this guy to help him? 18:14 You know my first observation is that 18:18 this individual should be 18:23 thanked for coming because he's recognizing 18:27 that he has a problem, he's going to get help. 18:30 And so he has taken a big first step. 18:34 That's right. 18:35 That he's recognized he has a problem 18:37 and he needs some help. 18:38 That's great that's, I love it. 18:40 Don't you love it when people come 18:41 and they're just like, I have a problem 18:42 instead of you having to like try to ways to persuade. 18:45 No, I'm not angry. 18:48 But there's a hole in the door over there that you punched. 18:51 So what do you do to help this guy? 18:53 Last area that you read Rob, you said now, 18:55 now this guy Joseph feels deep shame and remorse 18:59 and wants to learn anger management. 19:01 That's pretty awesome. 19:03 One of things I don't think we touched on 19:04 is anger sometimes is expressed silently. 19:07 We turn inward... 19:09 And inward becomes depression. 19:11 And it sounded like some of this may be going on with him, 19:13 so wonderful that he came and it's important to realize 19:15 that we can talk about what's going on. 19:18 What is triggering the anger, 19:20 what has caused us to feel angry 19:22 because that's where the healing begins, 19:23 that's where the turning around happens 19:27 because if we turn it inward, 19:28 then that leads to other issues. 19:30 Like such as... 19:31 Anger turn inward becomes depression. 19:34 Depression or sometimes when we stuff it for so long, 19:37 it can come out in an explosion. 19:39 Absolutely. 19:40 To people who have nothing to do with your anger. 19:43 Yeah. They transfer that stuff. 19:44 It's called displaced anger. 19:47 Boss yells at you, you come home 19:48 yell at your wife 19:50 and then the wife kicks the dog, you know, 19:52 it just keeps going, it's terrible. 19:54 Where there is passive aggressive anger 19:56 which is another way of... 19:57 It's not a functional way 19:59 but it is a way that people to go to. 20:02 One thing I use, Jennifer, is I encourage the client 20:05 to have an anger journal, and I have one here 20:08 and just taking them to do some steps 20:11 and I'll be real quick here. 20:12 And the first thing is to do is that 20:14 when they're becoming angry what are the circumstances 20:17 that led that individual to become angry 20:21 and then what triggered that anger 20:23 and what was it that I wasn't getting... 20:26 Usually a need isn't met somehow. 20:28 That I was needing, and then what is the feeling 20:32 besides anger that I feel fear, was I threatened 20:36 that I feel worthless or unloved or hurt. 20:41 And who was I protecting with my anger 20:44 and then write down how did I express it. 20:46 What type of person was this individual 20:50 that I was with, 20:52 and then write down how successful they were 20:54 in dealing with anger, so that every time they come back, 20:57 we kind of look at circumstances 20:59 what's going on and move them towards... 21:01 Just basically a log, keep track of your explosions 21:04 and let's examine them when we're quiet and calm. 21:07 Yeah, I would imagine that as they keep their journal 21:09 and as you're helping them with anger management. 21:12 They will see that in the beginning 21:14 it didn't turn out well at all but as time goes 21:16 by a little bit of improvement 21:18 because they're putting into action 21:20 which you're helping them to learn. 21:21 Yeah, and some things that I asked them to do is 21:23 to recognize the anger signs, ask God for help. 21:27 Be still and meditate 21:29 that they go to the process to between. 21:30 And everything you're doing with them 21:32 is forebrain stuff, 21:33 is self reflection is forebrain engagement, 21:36 and so when you're engaging them, you know, 21:39 in the session and reviewing this anger episodes, 21:43 their forebrain is gonna be more likely to show up 21:46 during the next anger episode so it's got to sort of 21:48 acclimate them to being able to think 21:50 when they're in this situation 21:52 where they normally don't think, 21:53 you know, so that's brilliant. 21:55 I think that's really excellent. 21:56 Does anybody ever say just drop it? 21:59 Oh, I take that. 22:00 Drop it on who? 22:02 Actually, actually sometimes 22:04 there is a little place for that. 22:06 It depends upon, it depends upon 22:08 what's going on. 22:09 Okay. 22:10 It depends. 22:13 There are a lot of things in life that can take us off 22:16 and sometimes we just need to back away 22:17 and just exercise... 22:19 Making mountains out of molehills. 22:20 It's not that big of a deal 22:21 but we have to know with those... 22:23 But it works better when you say that yourself. 22:26 But I think Nivish hit on it earlier when she talked about 22:28 what's underneath. 22:30 I mean the situation with the dog, 22:31 I mean clearly that you know... 22:33 You can let that one go. 22:34 Dog doesn't care. But that's my dog. 22:37 You've insulted my dog, well, no, you've insulted me. 22:40 It's not the dog. 22:41 So it's what's underneath and I think that's important 22:43 because if I had the ability to just let it go... 22:45 Yeah. 22:47 I wouldn't need anger management, 22:48 and so I think we mature, we can get there, 22:51 and our job is to help people get to the point where they're, 22:53 I'm gonna let that go... 22:55 They can figure out what you'd let go 22:56 and what you don't leg go 22:57 'cause some things you can't let go. 22:59 But I need to know why it affects me so much. 23:01 That's what I need to get to and if I can get to that, 23:03 then I can successfully move on. 23:06 So what about the thing about "Don't let the sun go down 23:08 on your anger?" 23:10 One of my favorite text until you mentioned it. 23:12 Okay. 23:15 Because my thought was 23:16 you shouldn't go to bed on your anger, 23:18 but you guys brought in some other personal view. 23:20 I said, okay, what I said was did some people try to tackle 23:24 big conflicts at 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock at night, 23:27 their brain is tired and they make it worse. 23:29 So I think, don't let the sun go down in your anger 23:31 means don't let the person die before you resolve, 23:34 don't let it go on and on. 23:35 But I would agree that in a healthy relationship 23:38 where you're accustomed to resolving conflict. 23:40 You can take care of it before bed in most cases 23:43 or you made a suggestion of... 23:45 Setting the time aside to do it, and often times 23:48 that's why we get frustrated is because 23:50 we allow things to build and then 23:53 and it's happened my own marriage. 23:55 You know at 11 o'clock at night my wife says, 23:57 "Hey, we need to talk about this." 23:59 and I go, "Now? 24:02 I'm tired." 24:03 Tired just looking at you. 24:04 And she helps me to realize that 24:06 I have been neglecting the relationship 24:08 and things have been building and we needed to talk 24:11 and so what I will do is say, well, let's set aside a time... 24:15 That's good. 24:17 To sit down and talk and will take out 24:18 our calendar schedule say, "Tomorrow evening 6 o'clock. 24:22 Let's set up aside an hour or two 24:24 and let's talk about this." 24:25 So those, those feedback loops are so powerful, 24:27 once people get into this, you know, argument pattern, 24:30 the feedback loop is very powerful, 24:32 and I recommend that people have a signal that 24:35 they use either one of them they agree ahead of time that 24:37 either one of them can call timeout, 24:39 they actually use the hand signal 24:41 and right then and there if they're able and have 24:42 the presence of mind they reschedule 24:44 a time to talk through it. 24:46 And listen I'm not perfect and... 24:47 We know that. 24:49 And there are times, thank you, 24:50 where I actually I'm the cause of this thing going on and on 24:54 because sometimes my response is, 24:57 "Why did you choose at 11 o'clock at night 25:00 to do this?" 25:01 And then she can't stop herself and she'll say, 25:03 "Well, because you're never around." 25:04 I say, "What do you mean I'm never around, 25:06 I was around this morning at 8 o'clock, from 8 to 10." 25:08 It goes on and on, 25:09 someone's got to put it to a stop 25:11 and say wait a minute... 25:12 Breaks. 25:14 Speaking about putting the brakes on... 25:15 He's got to do... 25:16 This is a great discussion. 25:18 I will not get upset with you, brother. 25:19 Let me remind you that if you're the one 25:20 calling the timeout, you're the one 25:22 that has to reschedule... 25:23 That's right, set the reschedule. 25:25 Okay. 25:26 You want me to reschedule. 25:28 Look at so we started talking about, "Be angry and sin not." 25:30 That's such an important verse because it's okay 25:33 to be angry on certain, certain circumstances 25:35 but we have to know. 25:38 I love this... 25:39 Was it RAC recognize the emotion, 25:42 admit what's going on, confess, 25:44 it's beautiful acronym what we talk about halt 25:47 and how when we're in the hungry, 25:49 the angry, the lonely, the tired stage, 25:52 this is not a good time for conflict resolution. 25:55 We're making major decisions. 25:56 Anger is normal. 25:58 This was brought up that is the normal emotion 25:59 that God can use to help us to get things done 26:02 if used in the right ways. 26:04 Christ himself was angry and got things done. 26:09 Other figures in history are good to look at like 26:12 Gandhi and Martin Luther King 26:13 to see how they handle their anger too, 26:15 very constructive ways of handling anger because, 26:18 we know that there are dysfunctional ways 26:20 of handling anger, 26:22 and we talked about some of those ways like stuffing. 26:25 We talked about aggression, 26:27 it can come out in the explosion. 26:29 There are good ways to handle it 26:31 to be assertive in appropriate ways 26:33 and we can teach these to clients. 26:37 Let's see here how we... 26:40 We turn to anger... 26:42 We turn anger inward so we talk about that. 26:44 Keeping a journal. 26:46 I love that keeping a journal because 26:47 this will help the client to keep a log 26:50 of what's going on and see their progress 26:52 as time is going on within the counseling session itself. 26:55 We need to know why I'm affected. 26:58 This is all the awareness part and don't let the sun go down 27:01 on our anger, why? 27:03 Because well, the scripture knows best 27:05 but we can always reschedule if we have to 27:08 if that's not a good time. 27:09 And anger is not like cheese, it doesn't improve with age. 27:14 So, "The wise man said that 27:18 reckless words pierce like a sword 27:20 but the tongue of the wise brings healing." 27:23 I hope that on this program you've learned something 27:26 that has made you wiser, 27:28 that you will be better equipped to handle 27:29 your own anger issues 27:31 and maybe you'll be able to impart something to others 27:33 who are struggling with anger themselves. 27:35 It is our prayer that we will help you learn 27:38 how to live more fully in line with God's plan. 27:42 He wishes above all things that we would prosper 27:44 and be in health even as our soul prospers 27:46 and that's why we invite you to future programs 27:48 of A Multitude of Counselors. 27:50 May God bless you and keep you, until then we appreciate 27:53 you sharing with us in this program. 27:56 May God bless you. 27:57 Amen. |
Revised 2016-12-01