Participants: Jennifer Jill Schwirzer (Host), Aron Crews, Christina Ceccoto, David Guerrero, Dr. Jean Wright II, Tim Allston
Series Code: MOC
Program Code: MOC000020A
|
00:27 Welcome to A Multitude of Counselors
00:29 where we don't sidestep the elephant in the Living Room. 00:33 Today we're going to be talking about Ego-Addiction Detox. 00:37 Let me talk to you about 00:38 Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 00:41 It's a part of a cluster of disorders 00:44 that are essentially personality traits 00:46 that come to dominate the person's 00:48 entire character or personality 00:50 and they're actually quite rare... 00:51 there is a one disorder among them called 00:54 Narcissistic Personality Disorder 00:56 which is considered a mental disorder 00:58 in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, 01:02 a deep need for admiration 01:05 and a lack of empathy for other people. 01:08 Hmmm... how prevalent is 01:10 Narcissistic Personality Disorder? 01:12 Well, actually all personality disorders 01:14 are pretty rare... fortunately... 01:16 We all have character flaws... 01:18 we all have issues... we all have pride... 01:20 we all have lack of empathy sometimes 01:23 but it's rare that that trait 01:25 comes to kind of take over the person's entire personality 01:28 so fortunately, they are rare 01:30 but most that suffer from 01:34 Narcissistic Personality Disorder are male... 01:37 The Cause... narcissism is thought to be underpinned 01:43 by a deep sense of insecurity. 01:46 It's that strange paradox where the person 01:48 seems so confident and so together 01:49 but in reality, you see glimpses sometimes 01:53 of deeply laid insecurity 01:55 and I think we're probably going to be unpacking some of that. 01:57 It's also thought that 01:59 anxious- or avoidant-attachment style 02:02 in childhood 02:03 can set a person up for Narcissistic personality 02:06 but we're not blaming the family because sometimes 02:08 pride takes on a life of its own, 02:10 regardless of how good the parenting is. 02:13 Most people with Narcissistic personalities 02:16 don't believe they need help 02:17 but if they can come to the place 02:20 where they see that there's a problem 02:22 and they're willing to face the 02:23 "elephant in the living room" so to speak, 02:24 then Counseling can be helpful 02:27 because a Counselor can help an individual 02:29 evaluate their life experience, 02:31 see, life experience in and of itself 02:33 doesn't teach us anything 02:34 but evaluated life experience can teach us something 02:38 and it can lead to transformation, 02:40 so we're going to be talking to someone today 02:43 who, maybe could be... 02:46 have been diagnosed at some point in his life 02:48 with narcissistic personality... I don't know... 02:50 you might have a different idea, 02:51 but the title of our show is: Ego-Addiction Detox... 02:55 so it sounds pretty narcissistic to me... 02:57 our guest is Tim Allston... 02:59 he insisted on me using small non-caps for his name 03:04 and I consistently did that, 03:05 I don't know if you caught that, 03:07 but he says that he's a recovered... 03:09 or recovering ego-addict... 03:12 very interesting, so welcome to our Program, Tim, 03:15 I'm so glad you made it here and it was so cool... 03:18 I met Tim on LinkedIn and we went back and forth 03:20 and he agreed to come, so it was awesome. 03:21 So, I also want to introduce our panel of counselors, 03:25 we've got David... 03:26 Biblical Counselor, David Guerrero from Wisconsin, 03:29 so glad you're here David... 03:30 David: Glad to be here... 03:32 Jennifer: And we've got Licensed Professional Counselor, 03:33 from Georgia, Christina Cocotte, 03:36 and we've got Dr. Jean Wright 03:40 from Philadelphia 03:41 and we're so thankful to have each one of you 03:43 on our Program today. 03:45 So, Tim, let's get into your story... 03:48 when did this all start? 03:49 Were you just born kind of egotistical 03:53 or... what happened? 03:54 Tim: Shame on you... 03:56 Laugher... 03:57 Tim: God showed me, Jennifer... that I had a problem, 04:01 bad addiction problem... 04:03 and Jean, it is an addiction problem 04:05 that is older than Planet Earth. 04:07 Jennifer: Yeah. 04:08 Tim: When I began to look at it, 04:10 when I began to look at this whole thing, 04:12 I began to see that the problem that I had... 04:14 is a problem that affects everybody. 04:16 I term it, Christina, as being "ego-holism... " 04:21 like alcoholism... 04:22 ego-holism... which is an addiction to self. 04:25 I defined it as thinking too highly of yourself 04:28 and... or... thinking too little of your God 04:30 and acting excessively upon those impulses... 04:33 and so I began to realize the fact... that I had a problem. 04:35 I had, in 39 years of employment David, 04:39 I have been fired 13 times... 13 times... 04:41 and there was a basic pattern to it... 04:44 year one... learn the job... 04:46 year two... get industry awards... 04:48 year three... get fired... 04:49 and I began to say, "Something is wrong here... " 04:52 and I sat down with a business Christian Counselor 04:55 and she... and we began to talk out different issues 04:57 and she said, "Well, Tim... " I said... 04:59 she said, "You're so charming... 05:01 so articulate... 05:02 you walk in the room... you fill the room. " 05:03 I said, "Yes... " 05:05 I said, "I've always done that until I got married... 05:06 my wife lets me get away with none of that... 05:08 and then the Lord gave me that word... 05:10 the Lord gave me the word... so I guess I'm an ego-holic... 05:15 in need of recovery... " 05:17 She said, "Tim, nobody has written on that subject... 05:20 that's your spiritual DNA... run with it... " 05:23 Jennifer: That is, and that's what caught my attention, 05:24 and I have to say, I was like, 05:26 "This is the elephant in the room... 05:27 and everybody struggles with this issue 05:29 but who's written about it so far?" 05:31 So, was it bred into you from the time you were young? 05:35 Tim: Well, I... and this will come as a shock to you... 05:39 I'm a sinner... like everybody else here... 05:41 all have sinned and have come short of the glory of God, 05:43 but... what really to me... 05:45 if I can pinpoint a date and time... 05:47 I was raised in church school, 05:49 I was a good little fourth-generation Adventist, 05:51 mother was the Principal of the school... 05:53 father was First Elder... 05:54 Jennifer: For the benefit of people 05:56 that may not know what an Adventist is, 05:58 it's a Christian... Seventh-day Adventist Christian, 06:00 so you were raised in the Seventh-day Adventist Church 06:02 with the belief in Jesus and all of that. 06:03 David: And going to Adventist Schools... church schools. 06:05 Tim: And then going to Adventist Schools, 06:06 the world's second largest part of the school system, 06:09 and I just got tired of being "that good boy... " 06:13 I got tired of being... and so I begged my parents... 06:15 because I was 14... I was athletic and we don't... 06:18 in Adventist schools we kind of shun competitive sports, 06:21 I said, "Please let me go to the local High School... " 06:24 my father had gone there, he was a Track Star back in 1938 06:26 I wanted to go there. 06:28 Begrudgingly, they allowed me to leave Church School 06:31 and that began the decline. 06:33 I say it that way because in Faith-based Institutions, 06:37 the focus is on Christ, 06:39 it is Christ centered... Christian centric... 06:41 everything we do is... how does the Bible... 06:43 how does it stack up against Christ? 06:44 But when you go to a non-faith-based institution, 06:47 the focus is on you... "Be all you can be... " 06:51 "Be the best you could be... " 06:52 so it's focused on you... ego... egocentric... 06:55 and I began that almost imperceptible slide 07:00 away from Christian centrism to egocentrism. 07:03 Wow! so it was something that was within you 07:07 but until you got in that environment 07:09 where it was overtly encouraged, 07:12 you didn't really step over that threshold, 07:14 but then, you were in the environment, 07:16 you stepped over the threshold, what happened from there? 07:18 Well, like the prodigal son's story in Luke, 07:21 I said to my parents in 8th grade... 07:23 "Give me my inheritance... " so they gave me my smarts... 07:28 my professionalism, my articulation, my charm, 07:33 and my being easy-on-the-eyes, 07:35 so I took my S P A C E 07:37 but because it had no spiritual grounding, 07:39 I became a S P A C E... a Space Cadet 07:43 I was just out here... just doing... 07:46 pimping off of those skills and values and experiences 07:50 and exposures... from Church-School education 07:53 but using them in a secular... 07:56 and using them in a non-God glorifying way. 07:59 And, so you're in the Corporate world at this point 08:02 and you're good at obtaining positions 08:05 and yet you follow this trajectory 08:09 of one year of ramping up, doing more than your... 08:13 you're excelling and then... 08:17 something happens... what happens? 08:19 What began to happen is the fact 08:20 that I began to become exposed. 08:22 I began to become less than that résumé... 08:25 less than that persona and what began to happen is 08:29 I began to lose jobs and after losing that 13th job, 08:33 I said, "Something... whoa, whoa, whoa, 08:35 there is a pattern here... " 08:36 and I began to realize... the pattern wasn't the jobs, 08:39 it wasn't racism... 08:41 it wasn't anything else... it was Tim Allston... 08:43 I was an ego-holic... 08:45 I had focused on being bigger than I was, 08:48 but also, as you said in the opening, 08:50 I also got Narcissistic Personality Disorder... 08:53 never met a mirror I didn't like... 08:56 Ah ha... I'm interested in what you guys have to say about this 09:00 because it's really hard to get through the wall 09:05 a narcissistic person puts up... 09:07 as a Counselor... someone that's trying to help people, 09:10 you see people destroying themselves 09:12 and you want to go to help them but they're ego is so sensitive 09:15 that you question anything about them 09:17 and immediately the wall gets higher, 09:19 and so, apparently, 09:21 somehow the wall got broken down for you 09:24 do you guys run into this 09:25 where you try to help people not be so narcissistic 09:28 and it ends up backfiring? 09:30 You know what I'm talking about? 09:31 One question that comes to my mind, as I'm listening to you 09:34 that would be helpful to the audience and myself is... 09:38 you say God revealed to you that you are having a problem, 09:42 how did God reveal that to you 09:44 because oftentimes there's struggle... there's tension... 09:47 when God is trying to get my attention and I'm resisting, 09:50 how did God reveal that to you 09:51 and what was your first response to God? 09:53 All: Laughter. Jennifer: "No... " 09:55 Tim: "Not me... " 09:57 through prayer... through fasting... 10:00 and through a wife who would take no prisoners... 10:03 I began to replay the situations in my life 10:06 and began to see where I had done a lot of things wrong 10:11 had hurt people... had drained people... 10:13 either with a big ego at times 10:15 or drained people with a little ego at times. 10:17 Jennifer: The insecurities... yeah. 10:19 Tim: Yes, yes, I mean... I remember 10:20 let me... for example... when I went to college, 10:22 there were 2,300 students in the school, 10:24 I'd never been to that school before 10:25 that first day I said, 10:27 "I'm going to become the Student Body President" 10:28 it was insecurity... 10:30 so I began my campaign and became Student Body President 10:33 not because I was the most articulate... 10:35 not because I was the most... the best builder... 10:38 it was out of insecurity... 10:40 Christina: I was just wondering, 10:42 if you could expand upon that insecurity, 10:44 what beliefs did you have about yourself 10:47 that motivated you to try to be the best? 10:49 Tim: When I got there to college for example, 10:51 I didn't know a single person on the campus, 10:53 I knew I had a scholarship there so... 10:55 and I knew I was coming out of a very, very strong 10:59 Christian Seventh-day Adventist environment, 11:00 in a non-Seventh-day Adventist... 11:02 non-Christian school... 11:03 so the social... some of the social things... 11:05 I'd never been partying before or drinking before... 11:08 so, there was a sense of insecurity 11:11 and plus some of the... most of the students there... 11:13 some of them knew each other, 11:14 they'd been in social clubs together... 11:15 they knew each other... 11:17 and so, I was there... that lone person... 11:19 and out of that sense of insecurity... 11:22 I, as I said, put on those Adam-and-Eve fig leaves 11:26 covered that... by running for 11:28 and becoming the Student Body President. 11:30 Christina: A fear of not being liked? 11:32 Tim: Yes, yes... 11:33 and I remember once when I was in school, 11:35 went into a teacher's office, brand-new teacher... 11:37 1975... had a sign on the wall saying "Prosperity... 11:40 spending money you don't have... to buy things you don't need... 11:43 to impress people you don't even like. " 11:46 Jennifer: Laughter "That's my life... " 11:48 Tim: And I said, "That's me... " 11:50 I'm spending all this time trying to mask my insecurities. 11:54 Jean: I find it interesting, Jennifer, 11:56 your question about having treated people with NPD 11:58 and as a Clinical Psychologist, I have done that many times 12:01 and the biggest challenge that I had was 12:03 what you said about hurting others... 12:05 and yet, a lot of the clients that I had at the time... 12:08 not being able to see how they have hurt others... 12:11 whether family members or friends or co-workers... 12:14 and so if you would... 12:15 if you could just share a little bit more about 12:17 how you were able to recognize 12:18 that you were not only hurting yourself, 12:20 but then, you were also hurting people you love... 12:22 people you cared about 12:23 and maybe even some folks you didn't know that well 12:25 but there was a blanket of hurt that was going around 12:27 because of the ego. 12:29 Tim: Okay, let me try... let me try to answer that... 12:30 go back to the question that you asked 12:32 about "How did God reveal?" 12:33 As I began to replay the video tape of my life, 12:38 I began to realize that there were mileposts along the way 12:41 that were going to help me 12:43 and one of the things that hit me was 12:44 going back to the song we used to sing... 12:46 in Kindergarten in church... 12:48 "It's me, it's me, it's me, O Lord, 12:50 standing in the need of prayer... " 12:52 not my mother, not my father, not my preacher, not my teacher" 12:54 so what I began to say is, 12:56 there's nobody else in my universe that I can control, 12:59 but Tim Allston... 13:01 so it's got to start with Tim Allston 13:03 to try to make those corrections in my life, 13:06 you know, I can... I can beg and plead 13:09 and control my wife... I can threaten my daughter... 13:11 but ultimately, I don't control them... 13:14 Jennifer: So I'm going to give you the psycho-babble for that 13:17 it's... you went from an external locus of control 13:19 to an internal locus of control from... life happens to me... 13:24 to, "Wait a minute, I have choices... 13:26 what can I change... what is within my power 13:28 rather than focusing on what's outside of my circle of power. " 13:31 Tim: Yeah, and I don't know 13:33 if I really totally answered your question, Jean, or not 13:35 but one thing that's happened to me in recovery 13:37 is... I play the scenario of the disciples 13:42 at the Last Supper when Jesus said, 13:44 "One of you is going to betray me... " 13:46 and they all... 11 of them... 13:48 said, "Lord, is it I...?" 13:50 initially, Jesus was talking about Judas, 13:53 but ultimately, it was those other... eleven... 13:57 Jennifer: It was all of them. 13:58 Tim: You know, and so, I go through every scenario... 14:00 almost by default... "Lord, is it I...?" 14:03 and typically, the answer is, "Yes, Tim... " 14:06 typically the answer is, "Yes... " 14:08 and I can start from there, if something's wrong with you, 14:10 something's wrong with you Christina, 14:11 there's nothing I can do about you, 14:12 but I can start with Tim Allston and with God's help 14:15 and that's what ego-holism recovering is about, 14:18 ego-holism says, "I'm going to do this... " 14:21 ego-holism recovery says, 14:22 "You can't cure it, solve it or eliminate it... 14:25 but when you partner with God... 14:27 the two of you become a majority. " 14:28 David: That's key for me because as you were talking, 14:31 one of the questions I was going to have... but you answered it 14:33 was, "How did Tim Allston control Tim Allston?" 14:36 Because Tim Allston can't control Tim Allston... 14:38 and then you gave us the answer... 14:40 you said, "Through Christ in me... 14:41 Tim: It took decades to learn that. 14:43 David: "hope of glory was able to control Tim Allston... " 14:45 Tim: It is so interesting, I mean, 14:48 on the simplest thing... I mean, research tells us 14:51 that the average human being 14:52 makes over 15,000 decisions every day, 14:54 I can tell... as I read "The Great Controversy" book 14:57 that every decision we make boils down to 14:59 "Are you with the Prince of Light 15:01 or with the Prince of Darkness?" 15:02 Jennifer: Yeah, and we go back and forth 15:05 so none of us is really on one side or the other 15:07 at this point but there will come a time 15:09 when people take their stand on one side or the other. 15:11 Tim: It's not won and done... I wish it were. 15:12 Jennifer: So, I believe that Counselors 15:15 actually work with people on character development 15:17 and even if they're not religious people, per se, 15:20 we can actually help them 15:22 in their preparation for Jesus' coming. 15:24 you know, maybe the religion will come later 15:26 but what would you say is to us 15:28 as to how to work with people that have a pride issue 15:31 and they're sabotaging themselves 15:34 and the evidence is there but they're not seeing it, 15:36 how do we get past that defense? 15:38 Don't you guys want to know, like...? 15:39 Jean: Absolutely. 15:41 Jennifer: How do we work more effectively 15:42 with hard cases like you... 15:44 Tim: Well, I have a seven-step recovery process 15:48 because I'm an ego-holic, 15:50 I call it, "The Ten Commandments" 15:52 All: Laughter... 15:56 Tim: And... because there are seven steps 15:58 and there are three steps before that. 15:59 David: So it's not the Ten Commandments... 16:01 Tim: It's my own Ten Commandments. 16:03 The first step is: Target the Problem. 16:04 It's not going to be a problem to you calling it a problem. 16:06 David: Identify it... 16:08 Tim: Yeah, identify it, 16:09 you've got to put a bull's eye on it... 16:11 Jennifer: You got to admit it... Tim: You got to admit it... 16:12 Bob Schieffer said, when they diagnosed him... 16:14 Bob Schieffer of Face the Nation... 16:15 when he got diagnosed in 2003 with cancer, 16:18 he said the toughest problem was saying, 16:20 "I have cancer... " 16:21 that's where it starts... 16:23 that's "T" of Take it to the top... 16:24 "O" is to own the problem... 16:26 "Not my mother, not my father, but it's me O Lord... 16:27 standing in the need of prayer... " 16:29 the person has a pride issue, have them define what "pride" is 16:32 pride is self-exaltation... so even if you have... 16:35 even if you have pride in your school colors 16:39 or pride in your sports team, it's all about self-exaltation. 16:42 Now, in one of your earlier shows, Jennifer, 16:45 you all dealt with issue of conflict... 16:46 and you said that Sister White talks about the fact 16:49 that self-development is where it begins... it does... 16:51 the problem with most of us from my observation is... 16:54 we stay at self-development too long... 16:58 we've got to view it like I view Ellis Island... 17:00 Ellis Island is where people came from Eastern Europe 17:03 to disembark... 17:05 but they couldn't put up pictures... 17:06 they couldn't plant flowers, they couldn't plant... 17:08 because the job was to get in and get out... 17:10 too many of us get stuck at self-help... 17:11 too many of us get stuck at self-confidence... 17:13 self gets you started... 17:15 but it's not where you need to go... 17:17 you need to move from self-confidence 17:18 to God-Confidence... 17:19 Self-esteem to God-esteem. 17:21 I mean, I'll start with self-confidence, 17:22 but I've got to kick it to God... 17:25 because He's the undefeated partner. 17:27 David: Okay, so what I hear you saying is that 17:28 God helps me to identify my problem 17:31 and then I've got to give that problem to God... 17:34 not handle it myself... 17:35 Tim: Yes. David: Okay. 17:36 Tim: It's not a mirror... it's the two-way mirror... 17:38 and every time I pick up my Bible, 17:40 I'm finding myself in one of those characters... 17:43 and that's the beauty of God... 17:45 that the more I dig into His Word... 17:48 which is the love letter to the human race... 17:50 the more I dig into it... 17:51 the more I see just how unworthy I am... 17:53 and that's why I spell my name with lower-case letters... 17:57 I feel so insecure... I feel so insignificant... 18:01 stacked against my heavenly Father. 18:03 All: Hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... 18:05 Jennifer: What... Jean, what typically happens 18:08 to people with narcissistic personalities? 18:10 They typically end up incarcerated 18:12 or do you see a disproportionate number of them? 18:13 Jean: I see a disproportionate number of them. 18:15 Jennifer: I just want you to know how lucky you are. 18:16 Tim: Or... or it's a foretaste. David: Of things to come... 18:22 Jennifer: We going to continue to lift you up in prayer Brother 18:23 Tim: Thank you... Christina, you're going to pray for me? 18:25 Okay, thank you. 18:26 David: So you thought it over. 18:28 Jean: Because... because as a Forensic Psychologist 18:32 obviously I deal with a lot of folks that go in and out of jail 18:35 so your premise is very well-stated 18:38 and that is because if you are really focused 18:41 and invested in keeping yourself at the level you think 18:44 people want you to be 18:45 or you're trying to portray a certain thing, 18:47 you will do anything to stay there... 18:49 and so, many of the clients that I've had... 18:51 will risk it all 18:53 to keep the persona... 18:54 the perception... Jennifer: Their freedom... 18:56 Jean: Yes... and so... including their freedom 18:58 and so they will hurt people to keep quiet, 19:00 they will do things to keep them at the same level... 19:02 they will do things and say things 19:05 that make people believe 19:06 what they are... that they're not... 19:08 if you understand what I'm saying... 19:10 whatever it is that they've invested in... 19:11 whatever they have... 19:13 they will do anything to keep it at that level 19:14 and to keep the truth 19:16 underneath that insecurity you're talking about. 19:18 Tim: But here's the thing, so their idea is no good. 19:21 David: So they're still in prison... 19:23 the prison of self... 19:25 Jennifer: Yeah, they just end up validating that in prison... 19:28 Jean: Imagine this... imagine somebody comes... 19:31 imagine somebody coming before you 19:32 that isn't... that's locked up that still is maintaining 19:35 the stories before they got locked up 19:37 as if they still are true... 19:39 not admitting that that life and that situation 19:42 didn't really happen. 19:43 Jennifer: With that much evidence... still doesn't 19:45 cause them to sort of cave in and reevaluate. 19:46 Jean: They never cave in... they never cave in. 19:48 Christina: Interesting how we tend to go to extremes... 19:50 we are very dichotomous... 19:51 I don't know if it's just America... 19:53 Jennifer: No, no, no... it's humanity. 19:55 Christina: Right, we're very dichotomous... 19:56 we are so insecure 19:57 so we overcorrect as we do in driving 19:59 when we're trying to avoid an obstacle, 20:01 we tend to end up flipping... 20:03 when we're trying to get through the obstacle, 20:04 so, we go to the... way extreme... 20:06 to trying to fix that 20:08 but what I love about God is that 20:10 when we follow His Word... 20:11 and it talks about not comparing ourselves to others 20:14 because that's one of the things that can cause us 20:16 to either have... feel insecure 20:18 or feel very prideful... 20:21 when we compare ourselves to Him... 20:23 when we compare ourselves to Him, 20:25 then we can see our true condition, 20:26 we don't have blind spots anymore, 20:28 and we're able to be transformed as you're describing. 20:31 David: Amen. 20:32 Tim: And the thing that you point... I loved about... 20:34 people you can count... soar, soar, soar... 20:36 leadership magnifies defects... 20:39 All: Hmmm... hmmm... 20:40 Tim: Leadership magnifies defects. 20:42 David: Explain that... explain that some more... 20:44 Tim: As we go up... 20:46 what we don't correct at the early stages, 20:49 comes out even more and more and more... 20:53 Jennifer: Is it just that people are seeing it better 20:54 because we're more visible 20:56 or is it because it's a more intense expression of it... 20:58 Tim: The answer is yes... to both... both... yes... 21:01 I mean, if I may... 21:03 Bill Cosby didn't become that way... all of a sudden... 21:08 Jared Fogle the spokesman for Subway 21:10 didn't become that way all of a sudden, 21:13 our President didn't become that way all of a sudden... 21:16 but as you move to upper echelons 21:17 and you get to that thinner rarified air... 21:19 I've now written a book... 21:22 it leads me to a whole 'nother class of people... 21:24 I'm now an author... more of my warts are showing... 21:27 more of my potholes are showing than ever before... 21:30 and that's what I want... 21:31 because I got to get to heaven to see His face. 21:34 Jennifer: What is the hope here, 21:35 if you know that you have an ego problem 21:38 or if you're on the other end of the spectrum 21:40 where you have low self-esteem 21:41 and you feel like you're not good enough... 21:42 because we've agreed that's the same foundation... 21:44 it's still the desire to measure against other people positively, 21:49 what do you do? 21:50 Tim: Number one... Don't trust yourself... 21:54 you don't trust yourself... 21:56 my slogan is... "Less Tim... more Him... 22:00 less Tim... more Him... " 22:01 Jennifer: It's a good thing your name rhymes with "Him. " 22:03 Tim: It helps... it helps... thank my mother... 22:05 but the other thing you do is you turn to the Bible... 22:08 in Step 1 in Book one, 22:10 I will talk about "Truth tellers... " 22:12 Truth tellers are those things... 22:14 people... things and activities that reveal us to us 22:17 in a very discomforting way... 22:19 the Bible... when you look at the Bible... 22:21 you say to yourself, "Do I have an ego problem?" 22:23 The Bible says, "Oh yeah... " 22:24 You know, you talk to your spouse, your kids, 22:26 your co-workers... your bowling buddies... 22:30 they have been drained by us all this time... 22:34 you've got to ask them... but you stay in the Word... 22:37 you learn not to your own understanding... 22:40 it's not a done deal... 22:41 every day you've got to keep coming up to bat... 22:43 Jennifer: And talk to us about your wife... how did she... 22:45 you said, "She takes no prisoners... " 22:47 what... was it her character 22:49 and if she's committed but also willing to confront... 22:52 or is it just the nature of marriage 22:54 that you're stuff comes out? 22:56 Tim: I think it's the nature of marriage... 22:57 Jean and I were talking earlier 22:59 because he's a native Philadelphian 23:01 and I'm a native Bostonian 23:02 and how much we both hate each other's teams... 23:04 who else will pay the Los Angeles Lakers... 23:06 David: That's okay... 23:07 Tim: And so what God gave... humility... 23:08 you have to marry a person who's from Los Angeles... 23:11 who played basketball in college with Magic Johnson's sisters... 23:14 whose parents will go to Lakers' games... 23:16 I said, "God... your sense of humor, God, is killing me... " 23:19 Jennifer: But you had a choice in the matter, didn't you? 23:20 Tim: Somewhat... 23:22 Jennifer: It wasn't an arranged marriage. 23:23 Tim: For sure... this is what ego-holism does... 23:25 ego-holism said... my wife is sandpaper... 23:26 she loved me the wrong way... 23:28 "ego-holism covering" said... "She's sandpaper... 23:30 what she's doing is smoothing your edges... " 23:32 Jennifer: Oh I see, so, what did she do specifically... 23:34 did she just face you with your stuff 23:36 or threaten to leave? 23:38 Tim: No, no, no... she hasn't threatened to leave yet... 23:40 and after 22 years, she hasn't threatened to leave 23:42 but she will confront me... 23:44 she'll say, "What did you mean by that, 23:47 did you mean to say that?" 23:48 and I'll go... I'll be mad but I'll go and pray 23:51 and the next thing I'm saying, "You know, you were right... " 23:54 that's painful to admit error... it's painful... 23:56 you know... but... I got to get to heaven... 23:59 Jennifer: So I mentioned that more men have NPD than women 24:03 and I think it's related to testosterone 24:06 because testosterone is responsible 24:08 for the feeling of confidence, 24:09 so you think more... 24:11 you know, kind of chemically-induced confidence... 24:12 you're going to have more pride... 24:15 I think women too... what's that? 24:17 Christina: With the expectations of Society... 24:19 Jennifer: And the expectations of Society... 24:21 socializing as well... 24:22 I think that women do a terrible disservice 24:24 that... I think they're kind of... 24:26 their role is often to help their husbands 24:30 and help check excessive ego issues... 24:33 I think that's often the case 24:35 and I think they do a terrible disservice 24:36 when they won't confront, 24:38 but I'm saying this as a woman... 24:39 it's uncomfortable to confront, 24:40 because we are so relationally wired... 24:42 we want to hang on to that relationship... 24:45 we want everybody around us to be well-fed... happy... 24:47 cheerful... we don't want any emotional distress... 24:50 and so, because we're so empathic, 24:52 we end up avoiding confrontation 24:54 because it does cause... at least temporary discomfort 24:57 and so, bless your wife 24:59 for being willing to deal with that discomfort... 25:00 tell her... I love her... 25:02 Tim: Don't say that... 25:03 she's going to get that statement notarized... 25:05 David: Is your ego at work now? 25:07 Tim: Oh... talk to my agent... 25:10 David: Okay... 25:12 Tim: That's why I've entitled this book: 25:15 "7 Steps to Manage Ego Problems" 25:16 the sub-title says: 25:18 "The How-To Guide for Somebody Else" 25:19 and then most people pick it up... they say, 25:21 "Oh, my husband needs this... " 25:23 I would go... nodding head... David: Yeah... 25:24 Christina: I was just wondering... 25:26 I kind of want to go back to what you have said originally... 25:28 you said that the first thing is to admit 25:31 that you have an ego issue... and I'm just wondering, 25:33 how did you get to that... how did you get to admitting... 25:36 like how long did it take for you to admit 25:39 and how did that process go? 25:40 Tim: I said, "Something's wrong... " 25:43 I had just become an entrepreneur... 25:45 early-stage entrepreneur... 25:47 got a good big contract 25:48 to do the PR marketing for a company... 25:50 I was rolling... in six weeks... I got canned... 25:54 and the client said, 25:57 "Tim, you needed help with this project 26:00 and trying to be... doing it all yourself... 26:01 you needed help but you wouldn't ask for help... 26:04 firing you is just going to be the best thing 26:06 that ever happened to you as an early-stage entrepreneur, 26:07 talent is not your problem... " 26:09 and I said, "If it ain't talent, then what is it?" 26:13 That... that question... created the question... 26:15 Jennifer: Hmmm... David: Yeah... Jean: Yeah... 26:17 Jennifer: You can't really fake character, you know. 26:19 Tim: No... 26:21 Jennifer: You can have all the talent in the world 26:22 but there's going to come a point where you need character 26:24 and you can't fake that it has to be real... 26:27 you can fake talent... or you can fake... 26:29 you can be charming or whatever... 26:31 David: And the genius of God in all of this... 26:33 and in all of our lives... 26:34 and this is the story... this is what I'm hearing... 26:37 is that God was with you in your journey 26:39 trying to get your attention all along the way... 26:42 and at some point... and it happens to us all... 26:45 we do confront ourselves... 26:46 and the Bible says this, it says, 26:48 "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, 26:51 that He may exalt you in due time: 26:53 Cast all your cares upon Him; for He cares for you. " 26:57 Jennifer: So you experienced humility in the context of love, 27:00 it's not, like, "You're an idiot, 27:01 you're proud... we hate you... " 27:03 it's, "I love you, you've got a problem. " 27:05 David: Yeah, and we cast it to God. 27:07 Jennifer: That's right. Christina: And I think too... 27:08 Jennifer: And we humble ourselves. 27:10 David: Yes. 27:11 Christina: I think we really have to make sure we pray 27:12 that God brings the appropriate people 27:14 to ask those kinds of questions 27:17 or I guess, he didn't ask you a question 27:19 but he made a statement, 27:20 and... because sometimes family members... 27:22 or sometimes those close to you 27:24 tend to be not able to 27:26 really be able to say the message that's needed. 27:29 Jennifer: So, I would like to issue 27:31 a little homework assignment 27:32 for those of you that have been taking in this Program, 27:34 I would like you to ask 27:36 those closest to you... those that you trust 27:38 that you know will tell you the truth, 27:40 "Do I have an ego problem, am I proud, 27:43 or am I draining you because of my insecurities?" 27:45 Go home and ask them that 27:47 because pride goes before a fall... 27:48 it was pride that started the sin problem in the universe, 27:51 Tim has nailed this issue... 27:52 I'm so thankful... keep his ministry in prayer, 27:55 pray that God keeps him humble 27:56 and keeps all of us humble as well. 27:58 God bless you, thank you for joining us. |
Revised 2017-08-23