Participants: David Asscherick
Series Code: OTR
Program Code: OTR000636
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01:01 Good morning and happy Sabbath saints.
01:07 Nice to be here at the Michigan Men of Faith 01:11 in Cedar Lake, Michigan. 01:12 I'm glad I'm here. Are you glad you're here? 01:14 Yes. Amen. 01:15 We have a bevy of excellent seminars 01:18 that you can attend today for which we are thrilled 01:21 and two general sessions, two breakout sessions, 01:23 that I think will be excellent, 01:25 one by Ed Reed, the other by Carl Ashlock. 01:27 The seminar that you have chosen to attend 01:29 right now in this opening session 01:32 is entitled "Growing your marriage God's way." 01:36 "Growing your marriage God's way." 01:38 Now this seminar then would be for three classes of people. 01:43 Three people could come to this seminar and receive benefit. 01:47 The first class would be those who are happily married. 01:50 Now I'm not going to ask you to raise your hands 01:52 but you know if that definition of marriage fits your marriage. 01:57 Are you happily married? 01:58 I'm not talking about just a business partnership here 02:01 or a relationship of tolerance, where you are 02:04 tolerating your wife and she is tolerating you, 02:06 but a really genuinely happy marriage. 02:10 I didn't say a perfect marriage, I said what? 02:13 A happy marriage. 02:14 So that will be the first class of people 02:16 that could benefit from this seminar. 02:17 You're already happily married 02:19 but you want to be more happily married. 02:21 And I don't know of any marriage 02:22 that can not be improved. 02:24 Can somebody say, amen? Amen. 02:26 Even if you have an excellent marriage, 02:27 this morning it can be improved. 02:29 The second group of people, that this seminar would be 02:31 a blessing to are those who are unhappily married. 02:36 Those who are going through the motions, 02:37 the experience that I just described a moment ago, 02:40 where your relationship is not a relationship of love 02:43 and romance and intimacy and friendship and partnership, 02:47 it's more a relationship of tolerance, 02:50 sort of a business relationship. 02:52 She tolerates you. 02:53 You tolerate her etcetera, etcetera. 02:55 If you're unhappily married here today, 02:58 whether you've been unhappily for 1 year or 20 years, 03:01 I believe that the tools you will learn today 03:04 can go a long way in giving you the assistance that 03:08 you will need to get started in having a happy marriage. 03:11 Now I want to go on record, just letting you know 03:12 I'm not a marriage counselor. Okay? 03:15 I'm also not a mental health professional. 03:18 But I also believe that what most marriages 03:21 need is not professional counseling 03:25 from a mental health professional. 03:26 What most marriages need 03:28 is a healthy dose of the Holy Spirit, 03:30 a healthy dose of the leadership of the man 03:34 in the family and also submission and surrender 03:37 to one another and to the will of God. 03:39 Amen? Amen. 03:40 I'm not in anyway discounting the mental health profession. 03:43 There are many marriages that do need 03:44 professional counseling but my experience says 03:47 most marriages simply do not need 03:49 that in order to get through. 03:50 And even if your marriage is one of those 03:52 I think you'll receive benefit and blessing today. 03:54 So the second group would be those who are unhappily married. 03:57 The third group would be those who are not married. 03:59 Did any single people come? I just want to see. 04:01 Anybody here single came? 04:03 Okay good, I'm glad a few of you did. 04:05 The reason that I think this is a good seminar is-- 04:09 for a single person is that if you want to head due north, 04:12 how many of your steps need to be due north? 04:16 Every single step would have to be due north. 04:17 So if you wanted to head, say due north, 04:19 let's just say this is north, 04:21 every single step needs to be due north. 04:23 But if you're going to walk in a straight line, 04:25 your trajectory begins-- 04:27 you're going to walk in a straight line, 04:28 what would be the most crucial step? 04:31 Your first step. That's exactly right. 04:34 Because if you are off just an inch or two 04:36 on the first step and your trajectory 04:38 continues in a straight line, 04:39 you'll be off by a long shot as you get a mile 04:42 two, three, four, down the road. 04:44 And so, for those of you who have chosen 04:45 to attend this seminar and are single, 04:47 it will be a benefit to you because when you get started 04:50 in this beautiful thing called marriage, 04:52 you can start on the right foot. 04:54 And how many of us are there, please don't raise your hands, 04:57 who only wish that we could go back 04:59 and start things differently? 05:03 Just recently I conducted a wedding 05:06 and I'll tell more about that in just a little bit, 05:08 but I conducted a wedding of a good friend of mine, 05:10 two good friends of mine, and after the wedding ceremony, 05:14 and what you'll be hearing today 05:15 is an expansion of my wedding sermon. 05:18 After the wedding sermon two ladies approached me, 05:21 older ladies not elderly ladies 05:23 but they were old and maybe in their late 50's. 05:25 They approached me and both of them, 05:27 tears streaming down their eyes. 05:28 They were sisters and the aunt's of the young lady 05:31 that I had just married and she said 05:33 if I would have known, 05:35 if I would have known those five things 05:37 that you went over today in that wedding sermon, 05:39 which we're going to talk about this morning. 05:40 She said that may have saved my marriage. 05:45 Beloved, the reality is, is that we need to start 05:48 on the right foot and continue on the right foot. 05:51 Can you say, amen? Amen. And I believe, beloved, 05:54 you might be 20 years into a bad marriage. 05:56 I believe there's hope for you. 05:58 The two things I want to give you today are hope and tools. 06:02 Hope and what, everyone? Tools. 06:04 It's not going to just a ra-ra party. 06:06 I'm not going to say you can do it, 06:07 get in there, you can be a good husband. 06:08 No, no, no, if it's just inspiration 06:10 you could find yourself back in the very same circumstances. 06:13 What I want to try and do is give you 06:15 five very easily remembered tools that I use personally 06:19 in my own marriage that have helped tremendously. 06:23 And as I said there in the introduction, 06:24 I want you to know. 06:25 And I make no bones about this, 06:27 I make no apologies about this, this is not boastful, 06:30 but I can tell you in the presence of God 06:32 and in the presence of my wife, and no doubt 06:34 will see this presentation one day, 06:36 that I have an excellent marriage 06:38 of eight years that get's better every single year. 06:42 And I can tell you as God is my honest witness, 06:45 I'm more in love with my wife, 06:46 I'm more attracted to wife, and I enjoy my wife more now 06:51 then I did when I married her nearly eight years ago. 06:53 Can you say, amen? Amen. 06:55 Beloved, you can have that experience. 06:56 Maybe you're already having that experience. 06:58 I don't want to assume that you're not. 06:59 I hate it when I read one of those marriage books 07:01 that talks to me as though my marriage is a bad one. 07:04 You ever had that experience? 07:06 I don't want to have that experience. 07:07 I don't want you to feel like I'm talking down to you. 07:09 No way. 07:11 It's altogether possible that you have 07:13 a better marriage than I have, 07:15 that you have an excellent marriage, 07:17 that is all together possible and you're attending 07:18 because you want to have tools to have an even better marriage. 07:22 So don't think that you're being talked down to, not at all. 07:25 What I want to give you is hope. 07:27 What, everyone? Hope. 07:28 Hope. Because marriage is for life. 07:30 Amen. We're gonna talk about that. 07:33 It's for life. 07:35 So if you're locked into this thing, 07:37 and you are locked into it, beloved, 07:39 when you take those solemn vows before God, 07:41 you are locked into it. 07:42 But if it's a happy marriage, 07:45 it's a great thing to be locked into, amen? 07:48 So we're gonna talk about two things, 07:50 hope and how to have tools, 07:54 actual tools that will assist you. 07:55 Now before we get into that, 07:56 that's just sort of a broad overview. 07:58 I'm gonna have prayer 07:59 and then we're just gonna dive right in. 08:01 And I think you're gonna be very blessed 08:02 by this morning's seminar. 08:03 So let's begin with the word of prayer. 08:08 Father in heaven, this morning we come to you as men. 08:14 Father, we want to confess 08:15 before You that we have failed You. 08:19 We make no bones about that, no rationalizations, 08:21 we have failed you as fathers, 08:23 as husbands, as Christians. 08:26 Father, we want to begin by asking for forgiveness. 08:30 And we believe that what you said 08:31 in 1 John 1:9 still holds true, 08:34 that if we confess and forsake our sins, 08:36 you will cleanse us of all unrighteousness. 08:42 Father, we also need strength. 08:44 Give us strength to not continue making 08:46 the same mistakes that we may have in the past. 08:49 And, Father, particularly as relates to us as men 08:52 into our marriages or our future marriages, 08:55 Father, we need tools, we need hope, we need confidence. 09:00 Father, we want to grow our marriage God's way. 09:04 If marriage is a picture, in microcosm, 09:07 of God's relationship to the church, 09:10 then surely, Father, this should be 09:13 the very epicenter of love in our lives and in this world. 09:19 And yet sadly, Father, many of our marriages 09:21 are just relationships of tolerance, 09:24 of putting up with one another. 09:25 Not happy, not intimate, 09:28 not romantic, and certainly not joyous. 09:31 Father, I want to pray for that person 09:32 who came this morning, whose marriage is 09:34 literally falling apart and is a shackle around his ankle. 09:39 Father, give him hope today, give him tools today. 09:43 And, Father, for the glory of Your name 09:45 and for the good of his salvation 09:47 and his wife's salvation, rescue all of these 09:51 poor marriages from the despair 09:55 and from the hands of the enemy. 09:58 And, Father, for those of us who have good marriages, 10:00 teach us how to make our marriages better. 10:03 Help us, Oh, God in heaven, as we spend some time 10:05 studying Your word this morning and going over practical tips. 10:08 For we ask it in Jesus name. 10:09 Let all the saints of the living God say, amen. 10:16 All right our seminar is divided into two parts. 10:18 The first thing we're going to do is talk about 10:19 the main difference between men and women. 10:23 Okay? That's the first thing we're going to do. 10:24 There is a cardinal difference between men and women. 10:27 Now there are many differences and I'm aware of that. 10:30 There are significant differences 10:31 in the way that men conduct themselves, 10:33 the way that women conduct themselves. 10:34 But I believe there is one major difference 10:37 that undergirds the difference between 10:40 a man and the difference between a woman, 10:41 that's how we're going to begin. 10:43 That will be our theological setup. 10:44 It will also be observational and instructional. 10:47 Then we're going to move in the second part, 10:49 we're going to look at five very practical principles. 10:53 How many principles, beloved? 10:54 Five. Five practical principles. 10:56 They all start with the letter "C." 10:58 The five C's of a successful marriage 11:00 that you can incorporate just tonight. 11:03 When you return tonight from 11:04 the Michigan Men of Faith conference 11:06 you can start to put these tools 11:07 to work in your marriage tonight. 11:09 And I believe you'll see 11:10 immediate positive results from these five tools. 11:13 So the first part that we're going to discuss 11:15 is the major difference, the broad umbrella difference 11:18 under which all other differences fall. 11:20 That's number one and number two. 11:22 We'll look at those five practical points. 11:26 Let's begin by going to the Book of Genesis, 11:28 that's probably the very best place for us to start. 11:34 Genesis Chapter 2. 11:39 Now, man, is it safe for me to say 11:40 and you're hearing that men and women are very different. 11:44 Are you comfortable with that, yes or no? 11:46 Yeah, the reason that we're different 11:48 is that God made us that way. 11:49 I want to underscore that. 11:51 God has constituted men and women differently. 11:57 Have you ever had a conversation with your wife 11:59 or perhaps with your sister or even your mother 12:02 or your fiancé-- thank you Lord Jesus. 12:08 For those of you watching on 3ABN our in-house sound 12:11 just turned on for which we are thankful. 12:14 Have you ever been having a conversation 12:17 perhaps with your wife or another woman 12:19 and you are not getting anywhere. 12:22 Have you had one of those situations? 12:23 And you're thinking to yourself am I-- 12:25 If you're bilingual you're thinking, 12:26 "am I speaking English or Spanish?" 12:30 I can't understand a word this woman is saying 12:33 and all of her logic to me 12:34 sounds like totally gobbledygook. 12:36 And she is thinking the very same thing about you. 12:39 You might say things like this. 12:41 "You're crazy. That doesn't make any sense. 12:44 What you're saying is nonsensical." 12:46 And she's thinking the very same things about you. 12:49 It's like you're speaking two different languages 12:51 trying to carry on a rational conversation. 12:53 She's speaking in Swahili, you're speaking in Greek 12:55 and you're just like two ships passing in the night. 12:58 Men and women are different. They think differently. 13:01 They speak differently. They live differently. 13:03 And I believe there's a very good 13:04 cardinal reason for that, a biblical reason 13:07 built into the very fabric of what it means to be 13:10 a man and what it means a woman. 13:12 Something built into the fabric of masculinity 13:14 and femininity that makes us essentially different. 13:17 Why are we talking about this? 13:18 Because, men, just understanding 13:20 what this difference is will radically transform 13:23 the way you approach your marriage, 13:24 and I mean that, just knowing this difference. 13:27 Let's look at it. Genesis Chapter 2 and verse 15. 13:29 What is that difference? 13:32 I don't want to over-simplify things. 13:35 I don't want to over-generalize things. 13:38 But I believe that the majority of the differences 13:41 that separate the female gender from the male gender 13:44 boil down to this cardinal point. 13:47 Genesis Chapter 2, what verse we're in, everyone? 13:51 "Then Lord God took the man and put him 13:54 in the Garden of Eden to," what, everyone? 14:00 "To tend it." 14:02 In another version of the Bible 14:03 that I like to read from, the ESV, it says, 14:06 "That God put him in the garden to work." 14:11 Why did he put him in the garden, everyone? 14:13 To work. 14:15 When god put Adam into the Garden of Eden, 14:17 Eve is not yet created at this point yet. 14:19 He puts him there and he says, your job is to work. 14:23 That's why he was there, as the New King James says, 14:27 "To tend it and keep it." 14:29 That was Adam's purpose. 14:31 That was his what, everyone? 14:33 Purpose. Purpose. 14:34 Look at verse 18, "And the Lord God said, 14:36 'It is not good that man should be alone, 14:38 I will make him a,'" what? 14:41 Helper, or the Old King James a help meet. 14:45 "I will make him a helper." 14:49 Now, look at verse 20 of the same chapter. 14:52 "So Adam gave names to all the cattle, 14:54 to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. 14:57 For Adam there was not found a," what? 15:01 "A helper or a help meet comparable to him." 15:08 Why did God put Adam in the garden? Remind me. 15:10 Why was it that he put Adam in there? 15:12 To work. To work. 15:13 Why was Eve created, according to what we've read? 15:17 To help him. 15:20 Eve was created to help Adam. What was Adam's job? 15:23 To tend and to keep the garden, to work. 15:25 Look at Genesis Chapter 1 in verse 28. 15:30 Genesis Chapter 1 in verse 28. 15:33 "And God said, 'see I have give you every herb," 15:36 of verse 28 that's 29. 15:37 "And God blessed them and said to them 15:39 be fruitful and," what? "Multiply. 15:42 Fill the earth and subdue it. 15:44 Have dominion over the fish of the sea, 15:45 and over the birds of the air, 15:47 and over every living thing that moves on the earth." 15:50 God here defines the roles of Adam and Eve before sin. 15:56 Before what, everyone? Sin. 15:59 And if we wanted to boil it down, 16:00 it's really quite simple. 16:03 Adam's job was to work and to tend the garden 16:07 and Eve's job was help him to do that and to bear children. 16:11 Are we all in the same page, yes or no? 16:13 That's Genesis 1 and 2, 16:15 that is before the entrance of sins 16:16 or if we wanted to distill this down. 16:18 Adam's job is to work. 16:20 Eve's job is to be an assistant 16:22 or a helper to Adam and also to bear children. 16:26 Okay, so far so good, 16:28 are we all in the same page, yes or no? 16:29 Now look at what happens after sin. 16:31 Many people don't understand this. 16:32 But look at what happens in Genesis Chapter 3. 16:35 After sin, when the so called 16:37 curses are pronounced, they were actually 16:39 blessing more than curses. 16:42 In Genesis Chapter 3, pick it up in verse 17. 16:46 "Then to Adam he said." 16:48 God's speaking to Adam, 16:49 the fall has transpired we know the story. 16:52 "Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, 16:53 and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, 16:55 saying, 'You shall not eat from it, 16:57 ' Cursed is the ground for your sake," 16:59 that's why it was a blessing, "for your sake." 17:01 "In toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. 17:05 Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; 17:07 and you shall eat the herb of the field. 17:09 In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, 17:11 till you return unto the ground, 17:13 for out of it you were taken, for dust you are, 17:16 and to dust shall you return." 17:19 Now look at verse 14 of the same chapter-- 17:22 verse 16 of the same chapter. 17:24 "To the woman He said," God's speaking to Eve. 17:27 "I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your," what? 17:32 Conception or your childbearing. 17:35 Second part of the verse, 17:37 "In pain you shall bring forth children, 17:39 your desire shall be for your," what? 17:43 "Your husband, and he shall rule over you." 17:48 Now this is fascinating. 17:50 This is God articulating the rules post sin, right? 17:56 What were the roles pre-sin? 17:58 Adam's job was what, primarily, everyone? 18:00 To work. To work. 18:01 And Eve's job was to help and to bear children. 18:05 That's pre-sin. 18:06 Now post sin, God rearticulates the roles 18:09 and what does He say Adam's role is post-sin? 18:12 To work., it's the very same thing, isn't it? 18:14 Except there is an element of pain 18:16 and bitterness attached to it. 18:17 Do you see that, yes or no? The roles didn't change. 18:21 All that changed was that now when Adam 18:24 went out to work the fields instead of 18:26 a sinless earth easily bountifully 18:29 putting forward the things that Adam and Evez were to eat, 18:31 now he would have to toil for it by the sweat of his brow. 18:34 His job description didn't change, 18:37 he was still a worker. 18:40 What about Eve's job description? 18:42 Does it change? 18:45 It does not change, beloved, look at it. 18:49 Is she still to bring forth the children, yes or no? 18:52 Was that part of her pre-sin job description? 18:54 Except, there's an element 18:55 in the post sin job description, what is it? 18:58 There is pain associated with it. 18:59 And then he says, your desire will be 19:01 for your husband and he shall rule over you. 19:06 Now in this politically correct society 19:08 in which we live today, these are not popular versus. 19:11 But let's just unpack what's being articulated here. 19:14 What God is saying is that Eve will derive her purpose, 19:19 listen carefully to these words, 19:21 Eve will derive her purpose and her meaning 19:24 and her reason for existence from what Adam does, 19:27 that's what it means. 19:29 Your desire will be for your husband. 19:32 That's very much the same way it was pre-sin, 19:35 except now the element of ruler-ship is introduced, 19:38 which we're not going to unpack this morning. 19:41 Now you say, what is the big difference here? 19:42 Please listen. 19:45 Understanding this one central difference 19:48 will assist us enormously in making our marriage a happy, 19:50 healthy, and holy one, and here it is. 19:54 Men--now this is not a hard and fast rule, 19:57 it's not like one plus one is two. 19:59 But this is a broad biblical principle. 20:04 It's a what did I say, everyone? 20:05 A broad biblical principle. 20:08 Because invariably when you 20:09 start talking about rules, somebody's gonna say, 20:11 "Well, that doesn't apply to me." 20:15 Sure, there are exceptions to the rule 20:17 but broadly speaking we can learn 20:20 a very important truth here, a very important truth 20:23 in Genesis 1 and 2 and that is this. 20:26 Man derives, as a general rule, 20:29 I'm talking about man right here, masculinity. 20:32 Derives his meaning, his reason for existence 20:37 and his fulfillment and satisfaction in life 20:40 from what he does with his hands. 20:44 Are you with me? 20:47 He's a worker. 20:49 That's what he was in Eden, that's what he is today. 20:53 For a man to be a failure he would have to be 20:56 thinking thoughts like this, 20:58 "I haven't accomplished anything." 21:01 Right? Does that make sense? 21:02 If you felt like I have not accomplished anything. 21:05 Here I'm 40 years old, I've not accomplished anything, 21:07 I'm a failure, that's the way men think. 21:11 We derive a significant part of our self-worth, 21:14 our value, our meaning in life based on what we have 21:17 accomplished and what we have done. 21:19 We'd like to build the dog house, 21:21 step back and say that's a mighty fine dog house. 21:23 Look at the quality, 21:24 look at the architecture of this dog house. 21:28 We put new cabinets in the kitchen, 21:30 we didn't hire somebody from home depot to come do it, 21:33 we saved ourselves $1200, sure the cabinets 21:35 don't look quite like they could have 21:36 but look at those cabinets. 21:38 Fine pieces of architectural beauty, 21:41 aren't they, sweetie? Sweetie? 21:51 More often then not, men become workaholics, 21:55 more than women. 21:56 It's not that a woman can't become a workaholic. 21:58 In fact, in the society in which we live today, 22:01 it is increasingly true that women are being 22:03 pushed, pushed, pushed 22:04 into the carrier mold, the carrier mentality. 22:07 But as a general rule, it's the man 22:09 that spends too much time at work. 22:11 Are you hearing me? Now, you're gonna say, 22:13 "oh, that's because my boss is driving me. 22:15 That's because we have this project to get done. 22:17 That's because--." 22:18 No, no, no, the reason is, whether you would 22:20 admit it or not, to some greater or lesser degree 22:23 we are driven by what we're doing. 22:27 If we've done a good job then we have succeeded as a man. 22:33 Are you with me, yes or no? 22:35 God has built that into the fabric of your being, 22:37 you'd better come to grips with it. 22:39 Now, there is the man that is the exception. 22:42 Sure you might be that exception, I doubt it. 22:46 Most men derive at least some part of their self worth, 22:49 their reason for existence from what 22:51 they have accomplished, what they have done. 22:54 Doesn't always have to be work related either. 22:56 I just went on a fishing trip this last week, 22:58 two day fishing trip. 23:01 And we drove, I can't believe 23:03 I'm telling you this publicly, we drove from Troy 23:07 all the way to Sault Sainte Marie, right? 23:09 And we left at 9 o'clock at night, 23:11 after church board meeting, we drove due north. 23:13 Well, that's about 6 hours from where I live. 23:16 We drove through the night and we got across the boarder 23:18 there into Canada, we switched on 23:20 the Canadian side and it was 2:30 in the morning, 23:23 we didn't have a place to sleep 23:25 and so we went and slept in a city park. 23:28 No, no joke. 23:29 Nathan and I we just pulled out our sleeping bags 23:32 and went and found a dark place behind a city park bench 23:34 and we just went to sleep in the city park. 23:36 We hoped no policemen showed up, right? 23:37 Can you imagine saying, "No, we're pastors. Really. 23:39 We are pastors sleeping in this park." 23:41 This was three days ago. 23:43 Now the reason we did that is we didn't want to get a hotel, 23:44 'cause we needed to be up at the first, 23:46 you know, little hint of dawn and so three hours later, 23:48 you know, we could just start to see the hint of dawn, 23:50 so we woke up and getting all our fishing gear ready, 23:52 we were gonna go fishing in the Saint Mary's. 23:54 Okay, we're fly fishing in the Saint Mary's. 23:55 Anybody here ever been fishing in the Saint Mary's river? 23:58 Terrifying, okay. Absolutely terrifying. 24:01 The water is just, you know, pouring through there, 24:04 we're in our waders and you start to wade across 24:07 and the long and short of it is, 24:09 if water starts into your waders, 24:10 it's a very bad situation, okay? 24:13 Especially in torrential rapids and every one of us, 24:17 Scott, myself, and Nathan, we're calling on the name of 24:20 the Lord Jesus that we didn't die 24:21 in these rapids trying to catch a silly fish. 24:24 But here's the point we're there for 6 hours 24:27 fishing, fishing, fishing, fishing, 24:29 and guess how many fish we caught. 24:34 Zero, not one fish, not one bite, nothing, 24:37 all of that for nothing. 24:39 So I got to call my wife on the way home that night right? 24:42 Okay, sweetie, how are you doing? 24:43 You know I've not slept very much 24:44 and I'm on my way back home and-- 24:46 Oh she says, how was the fishing trip? 24:53 What do you mean by that? 24:58 Right? What she's asking is, what? 25:02 Did you catch any fish? To which I respond. 25:07 "Well, nobody was catching any fish." 25:13 That trip was a failure. Right? 25:16 It was fun, it was a good time to go sleep in the park, 25:18 that was fun but the trip was a failure, 25:20 we didn't accomplish anything. 25:22 It felt like it was a waste of time and energy. 25:24 Whether its recreation or work or any such thing, 25:28 men tend to derive their meaning, 25:30 their significance, and part of their self worth 25:32 from what they have accomplished. 25:33 If a man--if you find a man who says I'm a failure 25:37 usually that will have something to do with the fact 25:39 that he doesn't feel like he's accomplished 25:40 what he could have accomplished at that point in his life. 25:42 I failed. 25:43 Or if a man has succeeded, "oh, that man? 25:45 He's got his own business. 25:47 Oh, he has his own business with 300 employees, they do, 25:50 you know, 2.4 million dollars 25:52 in business a year, oh he's a success." 25:56 Now what about Eve? 25:59 Based on both the pre and post sin descriptions of eve's roles 26:03 and don't miss this, men, this is critical. 26:07 Just as a man derives a significant 26:08 part of his existence and his self worth 26:11 from what he accomplishes with his hands, 26:13 a woman's self worth existence and meaning in life 26:16 is tied not to what she does but to her husband. 26:22 Do you see that, yes or no? 26:23 Pre-sin, what was her job description, pre-sin? 26:27 She's a helper. 26:29 What did God say about her role post-sin? 26:31 Your desire will be for you're, what? 26:35 Husband. Now, beloved, don't miss that. 26:39 If a woman derives, in this case, your wife, 26:43 if she's deriving a significant part of her worth, 26:46 her self worth her value and the reason for her 26:48 existence from you, and that is not going well 26:53 or you're working too much 26:55 or you're an absentee husband and an absentee father. 26:58 If her meaning for life and existence for life 27:00 and reason for existence is tied up with you. 27:05 This is going to be very determinative 27:08 for how your relationship will work itself out 27:11 on a day-to-day basis because here's the thing, friends, 27:14 you're not gonna like this very much. 27:15 I'm gonna say it anyway. 27:17 If a marriage is falling apart, 27:20 I get myself into trouble when I tell this to men 27:22 but I'm going to say it anyway. 27:24 If the marriage is falling apart, 27:27 it is always at least 60% the man's fault. 27:37 Now I'll put an asterisk there and say in the rare occasion 27:42 such is not the case, the rare occasion, 27:46 less than one in a thousand. 27:48 I want to repeat it, if a marriage is falling apart, 27:54 it is at least 60% the man's fault, usually more. 28:04 Now you're sitting there thinking, 28:06 perhaps this preacher is crazy. 28:12 He doesn't know my wife. 28:16 Right? 28:18 If he knew my wife, he would change that silly 28:22 theory of his in two seconds flat. 28:27 Beloved, listen to me. 28:31 Your wife is taking cues from you. 28:35 You hear me? 28:37 If a marriage is falling apart it is largely 28:39 because a man has not created 28:41 the spiritual familial environment 28:43 in which a woman can feel safe and secure in that marriage. 28:50 Amen. 28:52 Now that stings a little bit. 28:56 I'm not here to discourage you. Why is that? 28:58 Why is it the case that it is primarily 29:00 the man's fault whenever a marriage falls apart? 29:04 It's because the women's self worth, not entirely, 29:08 but largely is tied up with you, with who you are. 29:12 If you create a good environment 29:13 you'll have a good marriage, period. 29:16 Are there exceptions to that? 29:18 Sure, sure there are always exceptions. 29:20 But on the whole, you create a spiritual healthy, 29:24 wholesome, romantic environment in your home, 29:26 you proactively do that, your wife will respond to that. 29:29 She will take her cues on how she responds to you 29:32 from the way you conduct yourself. 29:34 You're the leader, she derives much of who she is 29:38 from you, not from what she does, 29:39 that's not the way a women's mind thinks. 29:41 It's not that she goes and does things 29:42 and therefore she's a success. 29:43 She's taking her cues from you. 29:46 If you set the tone she will follow. 29:48 You set a negative tone she will follow 29:50 and then you have problems. 29:55 Are you hearing me, yes or no? 29:57 Now, beloved, just understanding 29:58 that one difference you can literally remove 30:01 a women's reason for existence, 30:04 you can shatter her entire world by being a workaholic. 30:10 Right? You can shatter your wife's entire world 30:14 by spending more time with your friends than with her. 30:18 Right? There's not a man in the planet 30:20 probably that doesn't have that wrestling tension 30:24 sometimes with his wife about time 30:26 with the guys or time with you, 30:28 time with the guys or time with you 30:30 and that's always hard for us to understand 30:31 but friends, it's not hard to understand 30:33 if we can begin to remember that you are the whole reason, 30:37 the whole--I don't want to speak here in over generalizations 30:41 but I'm going to speak that way 30:42 just so we can get the point into our minds. 30:44 You are a significant part of the reason 30:46 that your wife exists. 30:48 She's taking her cues from you and if she feels like 30:50 she is just the caboose in your marriage. 30:52 If she is just a part of your life 30:55 and you are the whole reason for hers, 30:57 this will crush her out. 31:00 Are we on the same page, yes or no? 31:03 You are the engine that drives her life, 31:05 her reason for existence. 31:07 She is taking her cues from you and if you're wife feels like 31:10 she is only one part of your life, 31:12 one helping among the salad bar, 31:14 then she'll feel crushed out 31:16 and you will have an unhappy marriage. 31:17 Friends, if you have an unhappy wife 31:18 you'll have an unhappy marriage. 31:23 You might be thinking to yourself, man, 31:25 that this guy doesn't know my wife, 31:26 he just doesn't know my wife. 31:28 I'm gonna say it publicly and you're not gonna like it. 31:31 If your marriage is a wreck, I believe in the sight of God, 31:37 could the holy scales that show 31:40 who's at fault and who isn't at fault, 31:42 could those holy scales be removed, 31:43 could the veil be torn back, I think you would discover 31:46 that in God's sight the vast majority of the responsibility 31:50 for your marriage falling apart, rest's on your shoulders, 31:53 even if you don't like to hear it. 31:56 It's true. 31:59 Does that mean that are not errant women that go off 32:02 and do things and a godly man 32:04 like Hosea of old-- sure that happens. 32:09 But on the whole, the fault rests with men, it does. 32:18 Think about it this way. 32:29 If a churchgoes into apostasy, 32:34 say your church. 32:37 And your church goes into apostasy 32:39 because you're unfaithful pastor is preaching apostasy. 32:45 Will God hold the church responsible, yes or no? 32:51 Will God hold the church responsible 32:53 if the church falls away, yes or no? 32:58 Now let's think that through. 33:00 Let's say you have a church of 100 people 33:02 and you have a pastor that stands up 33:03 and preaches some craziness, right? 33:06 And let's say that 70 members in that church fall away 33:09 and go after the pastor's nonsense. 33:11 Will God hold those 70 members accountable 33:14 for going after the pastor's nonsense, yes or no? 33:17 Come on, beloved, of course. Why? 33:20 Because every one of those has-- 33:22 every one of those 70 has a brain 33:24 and a Bible that can think for themselves. 33:25 They don't have to go along 33:27 with what some charismatic leader says. 33:28 Does God hold them responsible? Yes. 33:30 But who does he hold more responsible? The leader. 33:35 Now if we as men can say, with almost unanimity here 33:39 with what no doubt be unanimity. 33:40 If we can say here that in that circumstance 33:43 the pastor is more accountable than the parishioners. 33:46 Are the parishioners accountable? 33:48 We all say what? Yes. 33:50 But who is more accountable? The pastor. 33:52 And we say, "Well, why that's not fair. 33:53 How come the pastor is more accountable?" 33:55 Because he's the leader. 34:00 Now if we can say with objectivity 34:03 that that is true in a church situation 34:05 then we need to say with equal objectivity 34:07 that it is true in a marriage situation. 34:10 If God has called you to be the leader 34:11 and the whole thing has gone to hell in a hand basket. 34:15 Do all the other members of that family have responsibility 34:18 and a burden to bear, is their culpability there? 34:20 Sure there is. But where does most of the culpability lie? 34:23 With you. 34:27 Amen? Amen. 34:30 Now let's move from that difference. 34:34 I'm gonna continue to unpack that difference 34:37 but men, that alone I tell you. 34:40 Just understanding that your wife-- 34:46 even if you're a bad husband 34:48 that's the amazing thing about women. 34:50 Even if you have been a pathetic husband, like a bad one, 34:56 if you will turn around, your wife will love you 35:00 just as if you have been a great husband all those years. 35:04 God has put into the heart a willingness 35:06 to forgive in the heart of a woman 35:08 if and when the man can step up to the plate 35:10 and be what God has called him to be. 35:13 Just knowing that one central difference alone, 35:16 that your wife is going to take her cues from you 35:19 as to how she conducts herself in a marriage, 35:21 that alone can help you tremendously. 35:25 Now I have married people I think 10 times 35:28 since I've been a pastor, 10 or 11 wedding ceremonies. 35:32 And every time I do a wedding ceremony 35:36 I preach the same sermon. 35:39 I don't know why they keep asking me to marry them. 35:41 I always peach the same sermon, every time. 35:44 They know what they're gonna get. I tell them, 35:46 "I'll preach the same sermon that you heard today." 35:47 "Oh, that's the one I want." 35:50 Okay? 35:52 So here's my wedding sermon, I'm gonna give it to you. 35:55 What I do is I stand up front 35:56 and I say, "listen, your carnal nature, Satan, 36:02 and this society are all warring 36:04 against you having a successful marriage. 36:06 But I can guarantee you here today, 36:08 that if you will follow these five simple principles, 36:10 you will have a successful marriage. 36:11 That's what I say to the newly weds. Okay? 36:14 And I'm gonna make it very easy on you newly weds 36:15 because it's going to be hard for you to remember anything 36:17 I say because all you can think about right now 36:19 is looking longingly into your future spouse's eyes. 36:23 I'm gonna make it very simple for you to remember. 36:27 Five C's. 36:30 Beloved, I'm gonna go so far as to say 36:32 that if you practice these five C's 36:33 it is impossible for you to have a bad marriage. 36:37 Seriously. If you practice these five C's 36:41 you cannot have a bad marriage 36:42 and I'll go even further than that. 36:44 If you presently have a bad marriage 36:45 and you earnestly and sincerely and meaningfully 36:48 put these five C's into practice, 36:50 your bad marriage will become a good marriage. Okay? 36:53 You want to know what the five C's are, yes or no? 36:55 Yes. First one, conversion. 37:03 Men, listen to me, 37:05 99% of any marriage's success is the conversion 37:13 of the participants in that marriage. 37:16 Do you hear me clucking, yes or no? 37:19 You can not take two converted people. 37:23 What kind of people did I say? Converted. 37:25 You cannot take two converted people who have totally, 37:28 completely dedicated and surrendered their lives 37:30 to the Lord Jesus and put them into a marriage 37:32 and have them get divorce, that can't happen. 37:35 That is impossible. 37:38 Because a totally converted person 37:40 is totally surrendered to the will of God 37:42 and the Bible says, God hates divorce. 37:46 The most important factor in your marriage 37:49 is your daily conversion, your surrender 37:52 to the Lord Jesus Christ and his word. 37:54 That includes praying in your closet by yourself. 37:56 That includes studying the Bible for yourself. 37:58 That includes praying with your wife. 38:00 That includes being involved actively and witnessing 38:03 and reaching out to people in your community, amen. 38:06 If you are converted and your wife 38:08 is converted you can't get a divorce. 38:13 And some people aren't gonna like that. 38:15 Because they're gonna say, "oh, preacher, 38:17 I was converted and I got a divorce." 38:23 Really? 38:27 If you weren't divorced on biblical grounds 38:30 and it wasn't entirely your wife that was pushing it, 38:34 then I would strongly question your conversion. 38:39 I believe because the Bible solemnly declares, 38:44 if any man be in Christ he is a new creature. 38:47 Old things are passed away, 38:49 behold all things will become new. 38:50 If you take two genuinely converted, what did I say? 38:54 Genuinely converted Christians, biblically informed Christians, 38:57 and you put them in a marriage together 38:59 they can not get divorced as long as they stay converted. 39:05 If you're having problems in your marriage, 39:08 you come to me for marriage counseling, 39:09 the very first question I will ask you is, 39:11 "are you converted?" 39:16 And if you say to me, "yes." I'm gonna say, 39:17 how much time did you spent in Bible study this morning. 39:22 If you say, "well, I was a little busy this morning." 39:24 I'll say, "okay, 39:26 how much time did you spend yesterday morning?" 39:29 "Ten minutes." 39:32 "How about the morning before?" 39:34 "I was busy that morning, too." 39:37 "How much time did you spend in prayer?" 39:39 I'll ask you the tough questions. 39:41 You can tell me with your mouth you're converted 39:42 but, beloved, if we're not doing the things 39:44 that converted people do, 39:46 we're only making the profession of conversion. 39:48 Can you say, amen? Amen. 39:51 You come to me for marriage counseling? 39:52 Sure, I'll give you marriage counseling. 39:54 And the very first question I will ask in that session, 39:56 I will look to the man and I will say, 39:58 "are you converted?" 40:00 And if you say no, 40:01 I'll say your marriage doesn't have a hope anyway. 40:06 Second question, I turn to the woman and I say, 40:07 "Are you converted?" 40:09 If I get a yes from the man and a yes from the woman 40:11 then you know what I do. 40:12 I turn to the woman and I say, "Is he converted." 40:20 You hearing me? 40:22 Don't worry, the woman gets her just dues as well, 40:24 I turn to him and I say, "is she converted?" 40:29 Beloved, would you agree with me 40:31 that the hardest place to be a Christian is in your home? 40:33 Yes. You want to know 40:34 where are the easiest place to be a Christians is? 40:37 In church. 40:38 Oh, man, it's so easy to be a Christian in church. 40:40 You just wear the right clothes and don't speak up. 40:46 Amen? 40:47 But I tell you, you get into your home 40:49 and that's where it's tough to be a Christian. 40:54 But, beloved, if you can be a Christian in your home 40:55 and you can be a Christian anywhere. 40:58 If you can be a Christina in your home, 40:59 you can be a Christian in the torture chamber. 41:01 You can be a Christian in your home, 41:03 you can be a Christian when you're standing 41:04 before military tribunal at the end of time. 41:08 If you can be a Christian in your home, 41:09 you can be a Christian anywhere, 41:12 even in solitary confinement. 41:14 There is no place where it is harder to be a Christian 41:16 then when you have exposed 41:18 yourself in total vulnerability to another person 41:21 who gets to see you at your best and worst. 41:26 Now I can say to the glory of God in heaven, 41:28 if you put my wife, Violeta, 41:30 this morning right your on the stage and you say to him, 41:31 okay, here we go, here it is the $64,000 question, 41:35 "is he converted?" 41:36 She would say, "yes, he's converted." 41:38 Now if you said, "is he a perfect husband?" 41:39 She'd say, "No. But he's a Christian." 41:44 You don't have to be a perfect husband 41:46 in order for your wife to see 41:47 that you are making strides toward the kingdom of God. 41:52 Conversion, that's the first C. 41:56 If you're not converted and your wife is not converted 41:59 then you barely have a chance 42:01 at all to preserve your marriage. 42:03 However, if you can get converted 42:06 or stay converted and your wife-- 42:08 and you say, "what about my wife? 42:09 I'm converted and my wife isn't." 42:11 Okay, that's a legitimate objection. 42:14 If you're totally converted 42:16 and your wife isn't then your job 42:18 as a man is to create an environment 42:20 in which she wants to be converted. 42:25 That's what God was trying to teach Hosea about his people. 42:27 He said, "Hey, Hosea, I got this nice lady 42:29 I want you to marry." "Oh, yeah? Really?" 42:30 "She's a whore. She's a prostitute. 42:34 You're gonna love it." "What?" 42:37 Now you will know how I feel about my people. 42:41 Friends, I believe that if the man is totally converted, 42:44 even if the woman is out to lunch, 42:46 that marriage has a good chance of survival. 42:50 Because the woman, remember, takes her cues from, who? 42:54 From the man. That's what Paul says in I Corinthian Chapter 7. 42:56 Well, he says, If you have an unbelieving wife, 42:58 stick it out, man because the unbelieving wife 43:00 will be sanctified by the Godly deportment of the husband. 43:03 Conversion. 43:06 If your marriage is falling apart you have to ask 43:07 yourself the hard questions. 43:09 Are you really converted? 43:11 If you're not willing to ask yourself the hard questions, 43:13 let me ask you. 43:14 How much time do you spend in Bible study a day? 43:17 How much time do you spend reading the Bible a day? 43:19 How much time do you spend watching television a day? 43:21 How much time do you spend in prayer a day? 43:23 When was the last time you won 43:25 somebody to the Lord Jesus Christ? 43:27 I'll ask you the hard questions. 43:29 I continue to believe that we should make membership 43:32 in the Seventh Day Adventist Church 43:34 contingent upon everybody 43:35 winning at least one soul per year. 43:39 I believe that should be a membership 43:40 requirement in the Seventh Day Adventist Church. 43:43 If we say, you have to abstain from pork 43:45 and is that important, yes or no? 43:47 Is that part in parcel of being a Christian, yes or no? 43:50 Listen, if somebody steps on the, steps on the-- 43:53 the platform there of my church and says, 43:55 "I want to be a Seventh Day Adventist." 43:56 And I say, "will you abstain from eating unclean meats?" 43:58 And they say no, I'll say, "you can keep coming to church 44:00 but you can't join my church." 44:03 What is a more important part of being a Christian, 44:05 abstaining from bacon or sharing the good news of the gospel 44:08 with those around you? 44:10 Yeah, you know what it is. 44:12 So if we're going to make abstinence 44:14 from pork a contingency for participation in this church 44:18 then why not soul winning as an actual requirement 44:21 for being a member in the Remnant church of God. 44:24 Amen? Amen. 44:28 You say, "That sounds radical." 44:29 It's totally radical. And it's totally biblical. 44:32 If you're not winning souls, you're not a Christian. 44:37 You don't like that, I'm sorry. 44:39 The Desire of Ages, "every true disciple is born 44:42 into the kingdom of God a missionary." 44:47 You're not a missionary, 44:48 you're not a true disciple, right? 44:50 David Asscherick didn't say it, the red book said it. 44:54 Number one, conversion. 44:57 Ask yourself the hard questions. 44:59 Number two, commitment. 45:02 I was recently counseling with a pastor and his wife. 45:05 They were talking about getting divorced. 45:06 He had his bags packed, 45:08 he was on the way out the door. 45:10 A pastor had his bags packed, ready to leave his wife. 45:14 On biblical grounds, no, no, no. 45:16 They couldn't get a law. 45:18 Said, "hey we're in a dire situation. 45:19 You need to come over. We need help." 45:22 So we, my wife and I, we went over there. 45:23 We sat right on the couch and sure enough, 45:25 bags were packed, waiting at the door, 45:27 and this thing is over. 45:28 Married more than 10 years, game over, I'm out of here. 45:31 Sick and tried of putting up with this crazy woman. 45:33 I'm sick and tired of putting up with this crazy man, done. 45:36 I said, all right. 45:39 I looked that man in the eye and I said to him, 45:41 "is divorce an option?" 45:47 "Well, you know..." 45:48 I said, "Listen, don't talk that way. 45:50 I just want a yes or no answer. 45:52 Is divorce an option?" 46:01 Remember they didn't have biblical grounds. 46:05 He didn't want to answer. 46:08 All right. I'll ask you. 46:09 Turned to the woman, "Is divorce an option?" 46:14 [indistinct] No, that's not-- 46:17 you don't have to tell me the whole-- 46:18 I don't want to hear the story. 46:21 I want to know if divorce is an option. 46:27 They didn't want to answer. 46:28 Beloved, listen to me, 46:30 if divorce is an option you'll get a divorce. 46:33 Do you hear what I said? 46:36 If divorce is an option, 46:37 and I'm talking about on non biblical grounds. 46:39 If you could just say that you just can't tolerate 46:40 that crazy woman anymore. 46:43 If divorce is an option you'll get a divorce. 46:47 If divorce is not an option then guess what? 46:50 You won't get a divorce. 46:52 You have to settle that in your mind right now, 46:54 is divorce an option. 46:57 Commitment, number two. 46:59 Listen, I was gonna run a marathon. 47:00 Anyone here ever ran a marathon before? 47:02 Okay, I gave up before even started. 47:04 God bless you guys. 47:06 I bought the book, I bought the book. 47:08 How to run your first marathon 47:10 and I started thumbing through that thing and I thought, 47:14 "Lord have mercy, training schedule, training regiment. 47:16 You know, I think I'll run a 5 K." 47:20 You know what though, you know what the book said, 47:22 actually I got-- I had that book and another one 47:25 and both books said the same thing in the introduction. 47:27 They said a marathon is run between the ears. 47:30 You know where a marathon is run? It's not run here. 47:33 A marathon is run between the ears. 47:35 You have to decide when you take the first step. 47:44 If not finishing the race is an option 47:47 you're not gonna finish the race. 47:50 If you take the first step and you're thinking to yourself, 47:52 "you know, I'm gonna see how it goes. 47:54 You know, if I'm feeling good at 12 mile 47:56 I'm gonna keep it up. 47:58 If I'm feeling good at mile 22 I'm gonna keep it up." 48:00 If you're thinking, I'll see how things go 48:02 and as long as things go well I'll stay with it, 48:05 you're not gonna finish the race. 48:07 Both books said, in order to run a marathon for your first time, 48:12 especially if you're a little older, 48:13 you have to say with the first step, 48:15 "I will finish this race." 48:18 Walking out of this race prematurely is not an, what? 48:22 Option. It's not an option. 48:25 Number two, commitment. 48:26 Are your committed to your wife for life. 48:31 Listen, if the answer to that is no, 48:34 then you'll get a divorce, 48:36 because it will just take circumstances 48:38 that are just dire enough, bad enough, 48:39 and austere enough to get you out of there. 48:42 Number two, commitment. 48:43 Are you committed to that woman for life? 48:45 Did you mean it when you swore before God 48:48 that you would stick it out with her? 48:49 Now, even on biblical grounds, 48:50 and I've got to throw this in very quickly. 48:53 I've got to be so careful how I tell this story. 48:56 A man that I know, a pastor, gonna tell it to you quick, 49:02 comes home, "honey, I'm home." 49:05 She was home too with the Elder in bed. 49:09 Okay? What does he do? 49:11 Goes into the bedroom, says, "sweetie, get your clothes on. 49:13 Please, sir, get your clothes on 49:14 and I want to meet you in the living room." 49:16 They get their clothes on, comes into the living. 49:17 This is a true story. 49:18 Sits down in the living room, 49:20 gives them a Bible study on the grace 49:21 and forgiveness of God, sends the man home. 49:32 Three years later, "Honey, I'm home." 49:37 She was home too with the Elder, same guy. 49:42 "Get your clothes on, sweetie. Get your clothes on, please. 49:44 I'd like to see you in the living room." 49:46 They meet in the living room, 49:47 sits down, gives them a Bible study on the love, 49:48 grace, and forgiveness of God. See ya. 49:52 Still married. 49:55 Five years later, 49:56 so eight years in the first time this happened. 49:58 And this is just when she was caught. 50:01 Different church, different district, 50:03 "Honey, I'm home." Same man. 50:07 Hundreds of miles away. 50:12 "Sweetie, get your clothes on. Can you get clothers on? 50:14 I'd like see you in the living room." 50:15 Living room, Bible study on the love 50:17 and forgiveness of God, have a goodnight. 50:21 She divorced him. 50:27 She couldn't take it. Is divorce an option? 50:33 Listen, even when you have biblical grounds 50:36 Jesus didn't say you had to get divorced. 50:38 Amen? Amen. 50:40 Now, friends, let me tell you, that's a true story. 50:41 I know the man that did that. Let me tell you. 50:43 You think that would takes him guts, yes or no? 50:45 Yes. Come on, men. 50:47 I tell you, my respect for that man rivals the respect 50:50 that I have for any man on this planet. 50:53 Today he's happily married to another woman, 50:54 she left him, biblical, great husband. 50:59 Number two, what's number two everyone? 51:01 Commitment. Commitment. 51:02 Is divorce an option? No. 51:06 If divorce is not an option then guess what you won't do? 51:09 You won't get divorced. 51:14 Number three, compassion. 51:20 There is so much that could be said, here. 51:23 Men, you've got to be sweeter. 51:29 How many men here like having sex? 51:33 Did the to the pastor just say that on 3ABN? 51:41 I didn't see the hands there, you are too timid. 51:45 Listen, man, God invented sex. 51:47 Amen? Amen. 51:49 He invented it. He made it pleasurable. 51:51 It's better than a hand shake and He made it that way. 51:53 There's no shame in it. 51:55 Amen? There is no shame in it. 51:57 Amen. Right? 51:59 I refuse to let this society get the victory 52:01 over something that God has created to be enjoyed 52:05 within the confines of a marriage relationship. 52:07 Amen. There's no shame in this. 52:10 Listen, beloved, 52:12 you want a good sex life with your wife, it's possible. 52:15 And here's what I tell young couples 52:16 and here's what I'm telling you. 52:18 If you concentrate on the compassion, 52:21 the passion will take care of itself. 52:25 I want to say that again. 52:27 You concentrate on the compassion 52:29 and the passion will take care of itself. 52:37 I don't need to tell you that sex is different 52:38 for a man than it is for a woman. 52:41 For a woman it's about security, 52:44 it's about relationships, it's about how the day went, 52:48 it's about how the marriage is going. 52:50 You worry about the compassion, 52:52 the tenderness, the sweetness, the kindness. 52:54 Do you hear the words I'm using, men? 52:56 The romance. 52:58 You worry about the compassion 53:00 and the passion will take care of itself. 53:03 No marriage was ever built on a good sex life, 53:08 but every good marriage will eventually 53:11 produce a good sexual intimate experience. 53:15 Are you hearing me, yes or no? Yes. 53:17 If we think that our marriage 53:19 is gonna be happy based on a good sexual experiences, 53:21 is that part of the marriage? Yes it is. 53:23 But friends, we are putting the cart before the horse. 53:25 Your job as a man-- your job as the man 53:27 is to worry about the compassion, 53:29 the tenderness, the kindness, the sweetness, the roses, 53:32 the flowers, the dates. 53:36 Not just what you say but in the way you say it. 53:39 Put a tenderness in your voice, 53:40 put a sweetness into your voice. 53:43 There is not a day that goes by 53:45 that my wife, Violeta does not hear at least five times 53:49 that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. 53:52 You think she knows I believe that? 53:55 Listen, I've sold it to her every single day 53:56 since we've been married that we've been together, 53:58 she hears it every day 54:00 and she's gonna keep hearing it. 54:01 I want her to know that I am madly in love with her 54:04 and absolutely, totally attracted to her. 54:07 Amen? Amen. 54:09 Sweet things, compassion. 54:13 I could say more there, but I'm going to stop. 54:16 Number one, what was the first C? 54:18 Conversion. Conversion. 54:19 What percentage of your marriages is that? 54:21 99%, conversion. That's 99%. 54:24 What was the second C? 54:25 Commitment. Commitment. 54:27 What's the third C? Compassion. 54:28 Fourth C, Compromise. 54:31 Oh, men, you're stubborn, aren't you? 54:35 You've got to learn the art of compromise. 54:39 Now, we do not compromise-- 54:40 by the way if you guys are planning on coming 54:42 to this seminar later you have to go out, 54:43 because now you're gonna think 54:44 you're getting two for the price of one. 54:46 These are the guys waiting in the back. 54:49 Compromise. 54:51 But the stuff before this has been 54:53 really good, hasn't it, guys? Yes. 54:54 So you got to come. Compromise. 54:57 Beloved, never compromise in principle 54:59 but you have to learn to compromise in preference. 55:03 If you want the red car 55:05 and she wants the black car you get the blue car. 55:09 Amen? Amen. 55:13 Compromise is essential. 55:14 You have to let go of some of your stubbornness. 55:17 You have to learn that not every hill is a hill to die on. 55:22 Amen? Amen. 55:23 There will be things that your wife 55:25 does that gonna drive you absolutely, 55:26 totally insane and crazy. 55:28 Let it go. 55:31 Amen? Amen. 55:33 There are more things in you that drive her crazy. 55:37 Compromise. Learning the art of compromise. 55:42 How to reach an agreeable conclusion 55:45 when two parties are in conflict? 55:48 And last but not least, Last one, communication. 55:53 E, communication. 55:56 Conflict resolution skills and communication. 55:59 Men, I'm gonna give you a tool here. 56:01 When your wife says something 56:02 that's driving you crazy and you think to yourself, 56:04 "Did that crazy women just say what I think she said?" 56:07 Don't say anything. Don't respond and say... 56:14 Don't do that. Here's what you do. 56:17 Here's a tool. Here's a tool. 56:19 Your wife says something crazy and you say, 56:23 "say, sweetie, 56:29 what I heard you say was that and so. 56:33 Is that what you said?" 56:36 And nine times of of ten she'll say, 56:38 "no, that's not what I said it at all. 56:40 What I said was thus and so." 56:44 And then you'll say, "Well, that's just as crazy anyway." 56:46 But then, don't respond to that. 56:49 Say, "sweetie, here's what I'm hearing you say. 56:54 Is that what your saying?" 56:56 "No, that's not what I'm saying." 56:58 And you're gonna learn 56:59 that you are an absolutely terrible listener. 57:02 "Well, what are you saying" 57:03 And then finally, after about four or five bouts 57:05 of that you're gonna get it. 57:07 And what she was actually trying to say 57:08 is very different than what you originally thought 57:10 she was saying. 57:12 If you find yourself reacting to that first thing 57:14 you are just sure she said 57:15 and men you're gonna let her have it, 57:17 not physically of course, 57:18 but you're gonna let her have with the mouth. 57:22 You find that you start responding, 57:23 not to what you think she said, 57:24 but trying to discover what she's actually saying 57:28 and have her give you the same courtesy. 57:30 If you say something stupid and I know you're men, 57:31 so never say anything stupid. 57:34 Have her say to you, "Now, Honey, 57:36 this is what I'm hearing you say. 57:37 Is that what you're saying?" 57:38 "No, that's not what I'm saying." 57:40 This simple communication device. 57:42 Simple what, everyone? 57:44 Communication device. Communication device. |
Revised 2014-12-17