Participants: Edgar & Judith Vyhmeister
Series Code: OTR
Program Code: OTR000948
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01:04 O soul, are you weary and troubled?
01:14 No light in the darkness you see? 01:23 There's light for a look at the Savior, 01:32 And life more abundant and free! 01:43 Turn your eyes upon Jesus, 01:51 Look full in His wonderful face, 02:00 And the things of earth will grow strangely dim 02:09 In the light of His glory and grace. 02:19 His word shall not fail you He promised, 02:28 Believe Him, and all will be well. 02:37 Then go to a world that is dying, 02:46 His perfect salvation to tell! 02:55 Turn your eyes upon Jesus, 03:03 Look full in His wonderful face, 03:11 And the things of earth will grow strangely dim 03:20 In the light of His glory and grace. 03:26 Sing that chorus one more time. 03:29 Turn your eyes upon Jesus, 03:36 Look full in His wonderful face, 03:44 And the things of earth will grow strangely dim 03:53 In the light of His glory and grace. 04:21 So with pastor prayer. 04:24 Dear Father, today I pray 04:27 that we might have the mind of Christ 04:30 and that your presence will be in our midst. 04:33 May you do a supernatural work 04:36 in our lives this morning. 04:38 May our hearts to your-- open our hearts 04:42 to your word and make appropriate changes. 04:45 May we have the thoughts of Christ, 04:47 the emotions of Christ, 04:49 and the actions of Christ. 04:50 I pray in the precious name of Jesus, amen. 04:56 Let's turn to the scriptures. 04:58 Galatians Chapter 2, verse 20, 05:01 "I am crucified with Christ, 05:04 nevertheless I live, yet not I, 05:07 but Christ liveth in me and the life 05:12 which I now live in the flesh 05:14 I live by the faith of the Son of God, 05:17 who loved me, and gave himself for me." 05:22 In 6 Bible Commentary 1075, 05:26 it describes the new birth. 05:28 She says, "The new birth is a rare 05:31 experience in this age of the world. 05:34 This is the reason why there are so many 05:36 perplexities in the churches. 05:39 Many, so many, who assume the name of Christ, 05:43 are unsanctified and unholy. 05:46 They have been baptized, 05:47 but they were buried alive. 05:51 Self did not die, and therefore 05:54 they did not rise to newness of life in Christ." 05:59 The family today is under attack. 06:03 Fifty percent of first time marriages 06:05 are ending in divorce. 06:08 The statistics go higher for second 06:10 and even higher for third marriages. 06:13 In the church, the divorce rate is higher 06:17 which tells you which groups Satan is interested in. 06:22 My husband and I moved to Sonora, California in 1998. 06:29 We started a couples group that lasted for three years. 06:34 We then started the Christ Quest Institute 06:38 with a weekend seminar followed by 06:41 a three-year cycle of weekly group 06:45 and an every other week video presentation 06:49 by Christ Quest Institute. 06:53 This was a program from 06:55 Life Partners Christian Ministries 06:57 founded by Ken Nair based out of Phoenix, Arizona. 07:02 It was a privilege to work with the couples. 07:06 How true this quote is from education, 07:12 "To deal with human minds is the nicest job 07:17 that was ever committed to mortal man." 07:21 This morning we will describe 07:23 problem couples, state some of the principles taught, 07:28 describe the paradigm shift that had to take place 07:32 and then the impact it had on the couples. 07:37 Example number one, the husband grew up 07:40 in a very abusive childhood. 07:43 His father was incredibly 07:45 verbally and physically abusive. 07:48 At a young age, he joined the marines. 07:51 He was a man's man, in spite of his father, 07:55 he became a very sincere follower of Christ. 07:59 He asked God, whom he should marry? 08:02 A girl's name came to his mind, 08:05 he courted and married her. 08:07 However, under his leadership, 08:09 his wife became quite withdrawn and depressed. 08:15 If she ever opened up, she paid for it. 08:19 He and his wife came to class 08:21 because one of his friends had invited him. 08:24 He was resistant and very guarded. 08:28 How would you counsel this couple? 08:32 Couple number two, this husband's missionary 08:36 father had been unfaithful to his mother. 08:39 As a result of bitterness he brought 08:41 rage and anger into his marriage. 08:45 Even though he was a Sabbath school teacher, 08:48 trouble brewed at home. 08:50 He was known to trash his home in fits of anger. 08:55 He was easily defensive. 08:57 When confronted, his flesh would rise 09:00 as he defended himself. 09:03 He thought that what happened in marriage 09:05 should never be discussed publicly. 09:08 One night, when he was gently asked the question, 09:11 he got mad, and left the group abruptly. 09:14 He left squealing his car wheels out of the parking lot. 09:18 How would you counsel this couple? 09:24 Example number three, this physician and his wife 09:27 traveled several hours each evening to participate. 09:31 He was first elder at his local church. 09:34 People looked on them as a model couple, 09:37 yet the wife felt so alone. 09:41 His wife wondered if she had married the right man. 09:44 Her father had advised her to marry him. 09:47 They both came from missionary families, 09:50 however, there was constant conflict in the home. 09:53 He was irritable, critical, demeaning, 09:57 grumpy, sour, exacting, complaining, unhappy, 10:04 yet they were in church every week, smiling. 10:08 The testimony of their grown daughter 10:11 was that there was always arguing with no resolution. 10:14 She wondered if they really loved each other. 10:17 How would you counsel this couple? 10:21 Example number four was a pastor and his wife. 10:27 He was well-studied and learned. 10:30 He corrected his wife frequently 10:32 and felt superior to her. 10:35 He was proud and self-righteous. 10:38 She was suffering under his 10:39 demeaning oppressive leadership. 10:42 She refused to return home 10:44 with her husband after the seminar. 10:48 She did not want to return home 10:50 unless he agreed to participate 10:51 in the weekly discipline sessions. 10:55 How would you counsel this couple? 10:58 Would you have counseled her to 10:59 go home be under his authority 11:01 just appreciate his good points and not complain? 11:06 What principles did they learn 11:08 that were so invaluable as to make 11:11 the dramatic changes that occurred. 11:14 How would you run a group of couples 11:15 at varying levels of maturity 11:18 with some even separated? 11:21 Their wives would not even come to the group. 11:25 Others had a more mature relationship, 11:27 they just wanted more intimacy. 11:30 All were prophesying to be Christians 11:33 but the husbands especially were bitter, 11:36 blaming their wives, taking things personally, 11:39 so that it was hard for them to be objective. 11:42 Most of them had a 50-50 mentality 11:45 that says, you do your part, I'll do my part. 11:50 If you don't do your part 11:52 then I am not going to do my part. 11:55 Other attitudes included, 11:58 I would be a pretty good husband 12:00 if my wife would change 12:02 or I would be a pretty good husband 12:08 if I had a different wife. 12:11 They were self sufficient 12:13 with a mental consent to the truth 12:15 but lacked a hard change. 12:17 However, they all wanted a better relationship. 12:20 All stated, they were willing for their thinking 12:23 to change based on Bible truth. 12:27 The following are some basic principles utilized. 12:32 Number one, the men were told at the beginning 12:36 that this was a men's discipline group 12:39 not a marriage counseling group. 12:42 The gospel commission in Matthew 28 states, 12:46 "Go therefore, and make disciples 12:49 of all the nations baptizing them 12:51 in the name of the Father 12:52 and the Son and the Holy Spirit." 12:56 Number two, the goal was to help 12:59 a man become more Christ like, 13:02 and to understand the heart of their wives. 13:06 Men were encouraged to maintain this goal of Christ 13:10 likeness regardless of the response of their wives. 13:14 They were there to please God 13:16 not their wives, after all their wives 13:20 might suggest doing the wrong thing. 13:24 Number three, women were not to be corrected publicly. 13:30 It was too hard on them. 13:32 They were already critiquing themselves 13:34 and being very hard on themselves. 13:37 Public exposure would have been 13:39 unnecessarily devastating. 13:43 The men were responsible 13:45 for presenting their wives without spot or wrinkle 13:49 before God, not we as group leaders. 13:53 Ephesians 5, "Husbands, love your wives, 13:57 just as Christ also loved the church 14:01 and gave Himself up for her, 14:03 that He might sanctify her, 14:05 having cleansed her by the washing of water 14:09 with the word that He might 14:11 present to Himself the church in all her glory, 14:15 having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, 14:20 but that she should be holy and blameless." 14:23 So husbands ought also to love 14:26 their own wives as their own bodies. 14:30 Number four, men were to accept 14:33 100 percent responsibility 14:36 for whatever happened in the home. 14:38 The same way a foreman accepts 14:41 responsibility for his employees. 14:43 The buck stops here. 14:46 We were not talking about fault. 14:49 Fault means that you are a problem causer 14:53 but we were talking about responsibility 14:56 which means that we are a problem solver. 14:59 Do you hear the difference? 15:01 So fault means we are a problem causer, 15:05 responsibility means that we are a problem solver. 15:09 So what is a spiritual leader? 15:11 And there were lot of misconception 15:13 as to what a spiritual leader was, 15:15 but this is one of the things that we learned. 15:18 A man who has the ability to perceive the spirit of another 15:22 to understand his condition at that moment 15:25 and know what is required by God 15:28 to care for that person's spirit 15:30 in a manner that will increase 15:32 that person's spiritual maturity. 15:35 Let me repeat that again. 15:36 A spiritual leader is a man who has the ability 15:40 to perceive the spirit of another, 15:42 perceive the spirit of my wife, 15:45 to understand its condition at that moment, 15:47 to understand the condition of her heart 15:48 at that moment, and know what is required 15:51 by God to care for that person's spirit 15:54 or her heart in a manner that will increase 15:57 that person's spiritual maturity. 15:59 Wouldn't that be tremendous if every home, 16:01 a man was a true spiritual leader? 16:05 What does that mean 16:06 to accept 100 percent responsibility? 16:09 Many men hear the word fault, 16:12 and I want to clarify this a little bit, 16:14 so we've asked couples, 16:16 we've asked men, what is that mean to you? 16:18 And so we ask them, "Is your wife 16:20 at fault for some of the problems in the home?" 16:22 And they always say, "Yes, of course." 16:26 Then we ask them, "Are you at fault 16:28 for the some--some of the things in the home?" 16:31 They think it's a trick question 16:33 and so then we say, "Yes you are at the fault 16:35 for some of the-- Oh, yes, yes, 16:36 I am at fault for some of the things 16:38 that happen in our home." 16:39 They don't want to take all of the fault. 16:41 You know, now is Christ at fault 16:43 for the problems that happen to us 16:45 as human beings, as Christians, 16:47 as husbands and wives? 16:49 And they say, "Well, no, 16:50 he is not at fault at all." 16:53 Now and the fourth question which is most crucial, 16:55 does Christ hold Himself 100 percent responsibility? 16:59 And then most of the time, they say, yes, 17:02 because that's what the gospel is all about. 17:04 Christ is our only hope. 17:06 He became sin for us. He is our Savior. 17:10 The gospel, the cross, 17:11 that's what the cross is all about, 17:13 is Christ taking 100 percent responsibility. 17:16 It is in this context that men are taught to be 17:18 as a savior to their families. 17:20 This is having the mind of Christ 17:22 which we're gonna mentioned in just a few moments. 17:24 We can agree then with Christ 17:26 that we are wretched, miserable, 17:27 poor, blind, and naked. 17:30 There is a problem with the good guys 17:33 because so often the good guys 17:35 are the ones that appear like they're good guy, 17:37 but they don't necessarily, they're are not 17:39 really truly surrendered in the home. 17:42 Everybody thinks they are great guy. 17:45 What we have asked is, what is your motivation, 17:48 why you are coming here, why do you wanna come here? 17:50 If you are coming to improve 17:51 your marriage, we can't help you. 17:53 If you want to learn what it means to be 17:55 like Christ in your home then we can help you. 17:58 If it is your fervor desire to be a living demonstration 18:01 of the character of Christ, we can help you. 18:08 We in--number five, we introduced the concept 18:10 of the helper which is a word in Hebrews 18:12 the word Ezer and we don't have the pictures 18:17 to be able to show you but there is three letters 18:20 of the Hebrew Alephbet or Alphabet 18:23 that comprises word Ezer and the first letter 18:27 looks like an eye with a little pupil 18:29 in the center and that word reveal-- 18:32 that letter means reveals. 18:34 The second letter of this word is 18:38 the letter Zayin which has a Z sound 18:42 and that means the Ax, it looks an Ax 18:44 in the ancient pictorial Hebrew. 18:46 The third letter looks like a 9 18:49 and that means the letter Resh 18:52 and it has R sound and that's the word for man. 18:55 So the word Ezer really means revealer of the Ax Man. 18:59 Now who would be the Ax Man? 19:02 In scripture when they put words like that-- 19:05 letters together, it has a special meaning 19:07 and Ax Man in Hebrew means enemy, 19:10 so this is a revealer of the enemy. 19:15 Genesis Chapter 2:18 describes the concept, 19:18 "It is not good that man should be alone; 19:20 I will make him a helper fit for him." 19:24 Elsewhere in Psalm it describes, 19:27 "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills 19:28 from whence cometh my help." 19:30 That's the same word, 19:31 and that's referring to the Holy Spirit. 19:33 So the helper has used for the Holy Spirit. 19:37 This means that God uses the women, 19:40 sometimes it's a little hard but I would encourage you to 19:44 listen carefully and ponder it. 19:46 This means that God used the woman to reveal 19:49 when a man is not representing Christ likeness. 19:52 It is just in her, it is just part of her. 19:54 She is designed that way. 19:56 Wise is the man who listens to his wife 19:59 and takes her into consideration. 20:02 This is a key concept in understanding our wives. 20:07 A helper then is someone who reveals 20:10 how we are not demonstrating Christ likeness. 20:13 A helper is someone who reveals 20:15 the enemy which is self. 20:18 This allows wife to play the role 20:19 that God intended for them to have in a home. 20:23 Men and women tend to treat each other 20:24 as the enemy especially when there are serious problems. 20:28 They begin to have adversarial roles 20:30 and build walls, big walls, 20:33 but God appointed the wife to help the man 20:35 see how he is not like Christ. 20:38 And so this is the concept of the helper, 20:41 and is a powerful concept. 20:42 When you start listening to it 20:44 and you start making application personally, 20:46 it transforms your life and it transforms 20:48 your way of looking at your wife. 20:51 It transforms your way of looking at women. 20:54 Some of the couples when they are 20:55 in the early stages, they can hear when 20:58 the wife of one of their colleagues 21:00 is making a comment to her husband, 21:04 she is being a good helper and they can see 21:06 the value in it but they don't 21:08 necessarily at first see the value for them, 21:10 for their own wives. 21:11 But when you could begin to see 21:12 the value for yourself in your marriage 21:14 that's when you really start having some 21:16 exciting times happen, and God is in 21:20 the business of changing us, isn't He? 21:22 He doesn't want to live us the way we are. 21:25 Number six, your desire shall be for your husband. 21:28 Now this is a part of the curse. 21:30 If you are acquainted with the passages there 21:35 in Genesis Chapter 3, this begins with verse 7 21:38 and onward, "Then the eyes of 21:40 both of them were opened 21:41 and they knew that they were naked 21:42 and they sewed fig-leaves together 21:45 and made themselves coverings. 21:46 And they heard the sound of the Lord 21:48 walking in the garden of the cool, 21:49 in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife 21:51 hid themselves from the presence of the Lord 21:53 among the trees of the garden. 21:56 Then the Lord God called to Adam, 21:57 and said, where are you? 21:59 So he said, I heard your voice 22:01 in the garden, and I was afraid, 22:03 because I was naked and I hid myself." 22:06 Now listen to how God dealt with Adam. 22:09 Did He say, "Adam, you have sinned, 22:11 what in the world are you doing?" 22:14 Instead of doing that he said, "Adam, where are you." 22:16 Here he asked them-- and then he said, 22:20 "Who told you that you were naked? 22:22 Have you eaten from the tree, 22:24 which I commanded you that you should not eat?" 22:26 Now did God know whether he had eaten of the tree or not. 22:30 Of course, he did. 22:31 But that's the way the God deals with us. 22:33 He goes and he listens and he asks questions. 22:37 Whenever you ask questions, 22:39 you usually know the answer 22:41 but you're wanting to see whether they're 22:43 going to answer the correct answer or not, 22:44 where they really understand the situation or not. 22:48 Then the man said, 22:49 "The woman whom you gave to be with me, 22:51 she gave me of the tree, and I ate." 22:53 And the Lord God said to the woman, 22:55 "What is this you have done?" 22:57 The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate.' 23:01 "So here we see already Adam blaming 23:04 God and the woman, the woman whom you 23:08 gave to be with me, she made me eat. 23:11 And then Eve said the serpent deceived me and I ate. 23:16 And so this is the curse and we're just gonna 23:19 mention the curse to the woman 23:21 because the curse to the man that's a mechanical curse. 23:23 It describes, you know, 23:26 tilling the soil and they're going to do 23:27 it with the sweat of their brow, 23:28 but to the woman he said, I will greatly 23:30 multiply your sorrow and your conception. 23:33 Has a lot of women been one of sorrow 23:36 and especially in conception? 23:39 In pain you shall bring forth children. 23:40 Is it a painful? Have you ever, 23:43 known of a woman who did not have pain 23:45 in childbirth except if she had, 23:47 you know, an anesthetic. 23:50 Your desire shall be for your husband 23:51 and he shall rule over you. 23:55 So here is the passage, 23:56 "Your desire shall be for your husband," 23:58 what does that mean? 23:59 This is a word teshuwqah in Hebrew 24:02 and in the original sense it means 24:03 a stretching out after a longing for-- 24:07 a stretching out after a longing for. 24:10 Now this is found in three places 24:11 in scriptures, it's found here. 24:13 It's found also in Genesis 4 verse 7, 24:15 its desire, referring to sin is towards you 24:18 but you should rule over it. 24:20 And then in Song of Solomon 7 verse 10, 24:23 "I am my beloved's and His desire is toward me." 24:26 And so when we look at those passages, 24:28 not any of those really help us to understand 24:30 what this is meaning because if we were to-- 24:36 This is going to be a curse, so to be a curse, 24:39 it has to be cursed, doesn't it? 24:41 And so if it really meant that your desire 24:43 should be for your husband, 24:44 so a woman desires her husband sexually and for a man 24:49 that's the number one thing on his list. 24:51 Would that be a curse? No. 24:54 That wouldn't be a curse, 24:55 and so then-- so then as we put it 24:59 all together then within the context of a curse, 25:02 your desire shall be for you husband, 25:03 so a woman looks to her husband 25:06 for value and affirmation. 25:07 Now she looked to her husband for value and affirmation 25:10 and he listened to her and he said, 25:11 oh, yes, and he affirmed her, he showed her value, 25:15 he let her feel like she was just 25:16 the most tremendous person in the whole world. 25:19 If a man did that, then would that be a curse? 25:22 No, that wouldn't be curse that would be tremendous, 25:25 you know, but the curse part is 25:27 that he doesn't have a clue 25:29 how to give you value and affirmation 25:34 in his self-centered motive of operation. 25:37 And so you are craving for value and affirmation 25:40 shall be for your husband, and he will not understand 25:45 how to value and affirm you. 25:46 That's the curse, and that's the curse. 25:48 It's a relationship motivation 25:50 that a woman has in the curse. 25:52 And we could tell that woman get together, 25:54 they talk about-- what do they talk about? 25:56 They talk about their families, 25:57 they talk about their husband, 25:58 they talk about their children. 25:59 We get together as men, what do we talk about? 26:01 We talk about cars and motor cycles 26:03 and skiing, those types of things. 26:09 So we have a group of men 26:12 and their wives who are living in the flesh 26:14 who have very little power in the lives and are stuck. 26:20 If a marriage is in trouble, 26:22 someone is in the flesh. 26:24 We conceptualized the problem as, "lay the sin." 26:28 They know not that they are wretched, 26:31 miserable, poor, blind, and naked. 26:34 The problem is not that they are 26:37 wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked, 26:41 the problem is they don't know it. 26:45 They had to be led to see 26:46 their helpless and hopeless condition. 26:49 They had to become spiritual minded 26:52 and cry out as Paul did in Roman 7, 26:56 "I am of the flesh, sold under sin." 27:01 Only a spiritual man would say that. 27:05 By watching each other they began to see 27:08 the defensiveness and self-justification 27:11 that was so prevalent in the men. 27:14 They saw the hardness of their hearts. 27:18 We encourage the women to speak out 27:22 in an effort to help their husbands. 27:25 The other men saw the earnestness of the women 27:28 wanting their husbands to be Christ like. 27:31 They saw how foolish a man looked 27:34 resisting his wife's efforts. 27:38 Slowly but surely the men would begin 27:41 asking themselves, do I have as little 27:44 understanding of my wife's heart 27:47 as I see demonstrated in the other men, 27:51 could it be that I lack understanding also? 27:56 They gained objectivity in each difficult situation 28:01 by asking the question, 28:03 what is God trying to teach me through this? 28:08 And in fact, if there is one-- 28:10 if just one thing you take from this seminar, 28:12 take this question with you. 28:16 When things get rough, ask yourself, 28:19 what is God trying to teach me through this? 28:23 You immediately become objective. 28:27 The men saw that they consistently 28:29 underestimated the impact they had in the marriage. 28:33 And this was something we had to repeat 28:36 week by week, over and over again. 28:39 You are underestimating the impact you have 28:42 on your wife of the family. 28:45 Eventually they saw that their wife 28:47 was not the enemy but their God given helper. 28:54 Slowly the men as a group became humble. 28:58 In stead of the volatile, angry, 29:01 tense group, that went on week after week, 29:04 the man began to realize their hopeless, 29:07 helpless condition that they needed a hard change. 29:12 They needed a supernatural work 29:15 in their lives that would come only by 29:17 a surrender to the will of God. 29:21 They had to die to self. 29:26 Mount of Blessing, page 16 tells us, 29:29 "It is love of self" love of what? 29:33 "Love of self that destroys our peace. 29:37 While self is all alive, 29:39 we stand ready continually to guard it 29:41 from mortification and insult but when we are dead, 29:46 and our life is hid with Christ in God, 29:48 we shall not take neglects or slights to heart. 29:52 We shall be deaf to reproach 29:54 and blind to scorn and insult." 29:57 Wouldn't that be tremendous? 30:00 I remember being told as a young man 30:03 that we need to guard a man's ego. 30:06 What is the word ego mean in Greek? 30:10 Means self, that if the ego is 30:12 real fragile we need to be careful with a man's ego. 30:15 Is that true? 30:18 In reality the ego needs to be crucified, 30:22 self should be crucified. 30:25 So towards the end of these three years 30:28 the group became like a prayer meeting 30:31 with personal testimonies of how 30:33 victories through Christ were occurring. 30:37 Daily Bible study was occurring. 30:39 They accepted Christ death as their death. 30:43 They daily began to rise to newness of life 30:48 because Christ was resurrected to newness of life. 30:54 The overall principle of the ministry was dying to self. 30:58 We had a group of man 31:00 who did not understand how to die to self. 31:04 Many times they would be volatile 31:07 in order to counteract this we had them 31:10 direct questions to the leaders only. 31:14 Ultimately the groups became a living 31:16 demonstration of God's power 31:18 and what happens in a family, 31:20 when the man humble themselves 31:22 confess his sins and cries out to God. 31:27 Now remember we did not correct the women. 31:31 We wanted the man to see 31:33 what power they had in their own families. 31:38 I would like to go back and review now 31:41 the couples that we-- the examples 31:44 that we gave you at the beginning. 31:46 If you remember example number one, 31:47 the husband grew up in an abuse of home 31:51 childhood and his father was very 31:53 abusive verbally and physically, 31:55 he joined the marines as man's man. 31:57 About two and a half years 31:58 into the program, his wife was discouraged. 32:02 Challenged about bitterness toward his father, 32:05 he said I'm not bitter. 32:07 By this time, he had learned 32:08 by watching other men's wives 32:10 that wives do have something valuable to contribute. 32:15 She agreed he was bitter. 32:17 Realizing that his relationship to his father 32:19 was presenting him from bonding with his wife 32:23 and under encouragement he wrote a letter to his father, 32:27 he'd never done that before. 32:30 And he listed several things 32:31 for which he was thankful--thankful. 32:33 He was thankful for his father's work ethic, 32:35 having taught him how to be careful with his work, 32:39 and do things properly and do them well. 32:42 He thanked just father 32:43 for his faithfulness to his marriage vows. 32:45 He never had known of his father 32:47 to be looking at another woman 32:48 or for his father to even wander. 32:52 He learned from his father the importance of money, 32:55 the value of money and how hard it was to earn money. 32:59 He learned from his father how to work hard, 33:04 and integrity, and honesty. 33:09 When his mother read the letter 33:10 to his father as his father was ailing, 33:14 his father a grown man, 33:17 who had never shown any emotions 33:19 whatsoever just broke down and wept. 33:24 From that day forward he was different. 33:28 We're talking about this husband. 33:30 From that day forward, from the time 33:32 that he send the letter to his father, 33:34 and he got feedback from his mother 33:35 about the response of his father. 33:38 From that day forward, he was different. 33:40 He was humble. He was gentle. 33:43 To this day, he has the continence of an angel. 33:48 He has taken on a leadership role. 33:52 And he has sat in many of 33:53 our groups with us helping us out. 33:57 From an intense angry man 34:00 the change has been just incredible. 34:04 Do you remember husband number two? 34:08 This is the one where he would rage. 34:12 He was a Sabbath school teacher 34:14 but he would trash his home in fits of anger, 34:18 defensive, never thought anything 34:22 in marriage should be discussed publicly. 34:25 Well, he still teaches the Sabbath school class 34:28 but now the emphasis is on repentance and dying to self. 34:34 On what Christ has done for you and me, 34:39 that are only hope is in Christ, 34:41 and that His death on the cross is our death to self. 34:50 He and his wife are very happy. 34:53 He finally agreed with scripture that he was 34:56 wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked. 35:00 He has become humble. 35:03 An unexpected benefit has been that his wife 35:05 no longer suffers the incapacitating 35:07 symptoms of fibromyalgia. 35:10 He was previously in hiding now he is very transparent 35:15 about how readily he was living in the flesh 35:18 and the importance of living in the spirit 35:20 by identifying with Christ, 35:23 he could claim Christ death as his own death to self. 35:29 He is a transformed man. 35:33 Remember, the husband number three 35:35 was the physician and his wife who traveled 35:37 several hours and he was irritable, 35:42 critical, unhappy, demeaning, grumpy, sour, exacting. 35:48 Well, he began to take person responsibility 35:51 for his words, thoughts, actions, 35:55 attitudes, and motives. 35:58 He began to agree with Christ, 36:00 that he was underestimating his impact 36:03 as leader on his home by is bad attitudes. 36:07 He allowed his wife to be his helper 36:10 accepting her pointed insight and allowing God 36:13 to do a supernatural work on his heart. 36:17 This meant spending time daily in scripture. 36:21 He realized he could not do in his own strength. 36:24 We recently saw them at camp meeting. 36:27 Tears came to his eyes when he learned 36:30 that his daughter had made a very insightful 36:33 remark to her newly-wed pastor husband. 36:37 The daughter's husband was wondering, 36:39 if this problem put too much blame on the husband-- 36:42 put too much blame on the husband. 36:44 She made the comment to him, 36:47 "You have to admit the change in my parents' marriage 36:52 is nothing short of a miracle" 36:55 and as we share that, she'd never shared 36:57 that with her father, he just teared up 37:01 and he is a changed man. 37:04 What happened to the pastor couple 37:07 whose husband-- whose husband's leadership 37:11 was so self-righteous, whose wife did not 37:14 want to return home with him? 37:17 After listening to the classes for some time, 37:20 he became convicted strongly 37:22 that he was not letting his wife be his helper, 37:26 he was fighting the Holy Spirit. 37:29 He was struck by the fact that 37:30 even he was wretched, miserable, 37:34 poor, blind, and naked. 37:37 The blinders came off and he had 37:41 a deeply repentant attitude toward his wife. 37:45 He realized, he had not understood her heart at all. 37:49 He began to allow her to be his helper 37:52 as God would have it. 37:54 His attitude of a learner became profound. 37:59 She blossomed. 38:01 By taking her counsel she helped him 38:03 by the power of the Holy Spirit 38:06 to see self alive, where he had not seen it before. 38:12 They have become a team and as result of 38:14 death to self have been able to help many others. 38:20 I'm going to read you a testimony 38:24 from another group member, 38:26 this was--he typed this out about four years ago 38:34 and I think you'll enjoy it. 38:40 "I had been enjoying what many at called a blessed it life. 38:45 I was married had two healthy children 38:49 a boy and girl, and a successful business. 38:54 Everything appeared to be going just great. 38:57 Suddenly cracks begin to develop 38:59 in my seemingly peaceful existence. 39:02 At work a discontented employee 39:04 had been convincing the other employees 39:09 that if he were in charge things would be a lot better. 39:13 He spoke of a four day work week, more pay, 39:16 better benefits, improved 39:18 working conditions, and more vacation. 39:21 The fact that he didn't explain just how 39:23 he was going to accomplish all this 39:25 didn't seem to affect his impact on the other employees. 39:31 I walked in one day to what I felt 39:34 was a mutiny in the ranks. 39:37 I suddenly found myself in the situation 39:39 that I had not foreseen 39:41 and didn't really know how to handle properly. 39:45 At about the same time a similar event 39:49 was occurring in my home, without me being aware 39:53 that anyone-- that anything 39:55 was significantly different than usual, 39:59 my wife began to explain to me 40:01 that if things didn't change in our relationship, 40:05 she felt she couldn't stay 40:07 in a relationship with me any longer. 40:10 This came as an amazing shock to me. 40:14 Suddenly I was aced with situations 40:16 both at work and at home 40:19 that I had failed to be aware of 40:21 and was not equipped to deal with. 40:24 With hindsight-- in hindsight, these events 40:28 represent to me God's faithfulness. 40:32 However at that time it just looked like 40:34 everything was falling apart. 40:36 I didn't realize that I was actually taking 40:38 the first steps on a journey 40:39 that would give me the answer to my questions 40:41 and the answers to some much more. 40:45 Like many wives before her, 40:47 mine suggested that we see a counselor. 40:50 I didn't have much faith in marriage counselors 40:52 but she insisted, so I agreed. 40:56 After a couple of visits, we both agreed 40:58 that we were not finding the solutions 40:59 that we were looking for. 41:01 However one pivotal event took place, 41:04 the counselor suggested that I read a book by Ken Nair 41:07 entitled Discovering the Mind of a Woman. 41:11 I didn't have much confidence in books 41:13 about marriage either but I agreed to purchase one. 41:17 You might be surprised by my lack of confidence 41:19 in marriage counselors and books about marriage, 41:22 this stemmed from not knowing any marriage 41:25 that had significantly improved 41:26 from counseling or books. 41:28 In fact my wife and I both found it difficult 41:31 to identify any marriage we knew of personally 41:34 that clearly represented to us God's plan for marriage. 41:38 We believe that earthy marriage 41:40 is supposed to hold, to model the relationship 41:44 between Christ and his bride the church. 41:48 In 1986, I was a single man serving 41:51 in a large international missionary organization. 41:54 When word got around the center 41:56 that I was engaged to be married, 41:58 a group of married Christian men 42:00 serving as full time missionaries 42:02 gathered around me to offer their advice. 42:05 One man spoke up and said, 42:08 "No reason you should be happy none of us are." 42:12 The statement was followed by a lot of hearty laughter 42:15 on the part of the experienced married man. 42:18 Was this God's plan for marriage? 42:21 Little did I know that Ken's book was not only 42:24 going to change my idea of marriage 42:26 and my opinion of books about marriage 42:29 and marriage counselors, but that it was ultimately 42:32 going to significantly change my understanding 42:35 what it means to be a Christian man, 42:37 husband, and a father. 42:40 Like many married men I blamed by wife 42:43 for most of the problems in our relationship. 42:45 I thought that if she would just get her 42:47 act together everything would work itself out, 42:50 after all I considered myself a pretty good husband, 42:54 I had been a good provider and physically faithful. 42:57 Logically I concluded that since 42:59 I was doing a pretty good job, 43:01 the problem must lie with her. 43:08 Despite my mind set I began to read Ken's book 43:10 but not really expecting to learn much. 43:13 I couldn't have been more wrong. 43:15 From the very first chapter 43:16 Ken began to layout an explanation of why I 43:19 as the spiritual head of my household 43:21 was responsible that went on my home. 43:25 Therefore any problem in my home 43:27 was evidence that I was failing to provide 43:29 the kind of godly leadership that was needed. 43:32 From the very first sentences, 43:33 I began to realize that I was the problem and not my wife. 43:38 And I was failing in the role of 43:39 spiritual leader in my home." 43:43 And it goes on, he says, 43:48 "Let's return for a moment 43:49 to the large group of Christian men 43:52 from diverse denominational 43:53 backgrounds I spoke of before. 43:55 If you were to ask them 43:56 if they really understood their wives, 43:58 what do you think the response would be? 44:00 Most likely you would be met with 44:02 the universal male belief that it is impossible 44:04 for men to understand women. 44:06 Yet the scripture commands me is husband 44:08 to live with my wife in understanding way. 44:12 If I wanted to be obedient to God 44:14 I was going to have to learn 44:15 how to genuinely understand my wife." 44:20 And he went to the seminar. 44:22 He went to the three year groups. 44:28 "I spend a lot of time on learning 44:30 destructive behavior that first year. 44:33 The process of learning to have 44:34 the attitude of Christ in my home for me started 44:36 not with bringing healing to my family 44:38 but with putting an end to destructive behavior. 44:41 The most obvious need for change in my life 44:43 is the need to stop conveying 44:45 critical or condemning attitudes, 44:47 that I could be critical or condemning in my attitude 44:50 with something I was not even aware of." 44:54 And that shocked the women 44:55 that their husbands could be doing things 44:57 unchristlike that they were not even aware of. 45:01 "What I needed to learn was 45:02 that critical and condemning attitudes can be conveyed 45:05 both with verbal and nonverbal communication. 45:09 It was amazing to me that as I became aware of 45:11 how I could condemn or criticize with my words 45:14 how often I caught myself doing so." 45:18 And he learned how to communicate properly 45:22 verbally and nonverbally. 45:25 He said, "By helping me to see 45:26 my own need before God my critical attitude 45:29 toward others is fading in way. 45:31 It is become-- becoming much easier 45:33 to extend grace and mercy towards others 45:36 as I recognize my own 45:37 desperate need for the savior." 45:41 He was-- for three years, 45:43 he lead one of our groups as a leader. 45:48 Galatians 2 verse 20 tells us, 45:51 "I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, 45:55 yet not I, but Christ liveth in me, 45:59 and the life which I now live in the flesh I live 46:03 by the faith of the Son of God, 46:06 who loved me, and gave himself for me." 46:10 This means that I live by the faith 46:12 of the Son of God, the faith of Jesus. 46:16 How is that accomplished? 46:18 It is done by identification with Christ. 46:22 Philippians Chapter 2 verses 5 through 8, 46:26 tells us, "Let this mind be in you, 46:30 which was also in Christ Jesus. 46:33 Who, being in the form of God, 46:35 thought it not robbery to be equal with God; 46:38 but made himself of no reputation, 46:41 and took upon him the form of a servant, 46:44 and was made in the likeness of men. 46:47 And being found in fashion as a man, 46:50 he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, 46:54 even the death of the cross." 46:56 And this is the identification 46:57 we're talking about with Christ. 46:59 Let this mind be in you, 47:01 which was also in Christ Jesus to have the mind of Christ. 47:06 Review and Herald July 7, 1904 has a whole chapter, 47:11 whole article on genuine conversion. 47:15 She says "Man cannot transform himself 47:17 by the exercise of his will." 47:19 We can't exercise will and transform ourselves. 47:22 "He possesses no power 47:23 by which this change may be effected. 47:27 The renewing energy must come from God. 47:30 The change can be made only by the Holy Spirit. 47:32 He who would be saved, high or low, rich or poor, 47:36 must submit to the working of this power." 47:40 So it can only be made by the Holy Spirit. 47:43 We can't do by willing it. 47:45 And then in that same-- in that same article 47:49 on conversion she goes on, 47:51 "As the leaven, when mingled with the meal, 47:53 works from within outward, 47:55 so it is by the renewing of the heart 47:57 that the grace of God works to transform the life. 48:00 No mere external change is sufficient 48:02 to bring us into harmony with God. 48:05 There are many who try to reform 48:07 by correcting this bad habit or that bad habit, 48:10 and they hope in this way to become Christians, 48:13 but they are beginning in the wrong place. 48:16 Our first work is with the heart." 48:19 And this is what we've been 48:20 talking about is the heart work. 48:22 "The leaven of truth works secretly, 48:24 silently, steadily to transform the soul. 48:27 The natural inclinations are softened and subdued. 48:30 New thoughts, new feelings, new motives, are implanted. 48:36 A new standard of character is set up, the life of Christ. 48:41 The mind is changed. 48:44 The faculties are aroused to action in new lines. 48:48 Man is not endowed with new faculties, 48:50 but the faculties he has are sanctified. 48:53 The conscience is awakened." 49:00 In 7 Bible Commentary 959 and 960 49:03 it describes a very important dimension 49:08 and we have-- we don't have much time 49:09 to really delve into it. 49:11 But she describes here 49:12 after she has gone and quoted, 49:15 "Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, 49:17 and hold fast, and repent" 49:19 and she describes with that means to hold fast 49:21 and then she asked and repent and I'd encourage you 49:24 to look that up in 7 Bible Commentary 959 and 960, 49:28 but this is the part that I wanted 49:29 especially for us to contemplate. 49:32 It says "And repent, the life we live 49:34 is to be one of continual, 49:36 continual repentance and humility." 49:39 Not occasional, not repentance once in a while 49:43 but continual repentance and humility. 49:46 "We need to repent constantly, 49:48 that we may be constantly victorious. 49:50 When we have true humility, we have victory. 49:54 The enemy never can take out of the hand of Christ, 49:57 the one who is simply trusting in His promises. 50:00 If the soul is trusting and working obediently, 50:03 the mind is susceptible to divine impressions, 50:07 and the light of God shines in, 50:09 enlightening the understanding 50:11 what privileges we have in Christ Jesus." 50:15 So, what was the key that she says 50:17 that we have to having constant victory, 50:20 the key she says is that our life is 50:23 to be one of continual repentance and humility. 50:26 We need to repent constantly, repent constantly 50:29 that we may be constantly victorious. 50:35 In Desire of Ages 664, it said 50:37 "If the disciples believed this vital connection 50:40 between the Father and the Son, 50:42 their faith would not forsake them 50:44 when they saw Christ's suffering 50:45 and death to save a perishing world. 50:48 Christ was seeking to lead them 50:49 from their low condition of faith to the experience 50:51 they might receive if they truly realized 50:54 what He was, God in human flesh. 50:57 He desired them to see 50:58 that their faith must lead up to God, 51:00 and be anchored there. 51:02 How earnestly and perseveringly 51:04 our compassionate Savior sought to prepare 51:06 His disciples for the storm of temptation 51:08 that was soon to beat upon them. 51:10 He would have them hid with Him in God." 51:14 And I want close with this last paragraph 51:17 from this continually repentance again 51:19 "As we see souls out of Christ, 51:20 we are to put ourselves in their place, 51:22 and in their behalf feel repentance before God, 51:26 resting not until we bring them to repentance. 51:29 If we do everything we can for them, 51:30 and yet they do not repent, the sin lies at their door, 51:35 but we are still to feel sorrow of heart 51:37 because of their condition, showing them how to repent, 51:41 and trying to lead them step by step to Jesus Christ." 51:47 Let's close with the prayer. 51:49 Dear Father, thank you so much 51:50 for the privilege we've had to be here. 51:52 Lord may we identify soulfully with Christ, 51:56 that we may have His thoughts, His feelings, 51:58 His actions, in Jesus' precious name, amen. |
Revised 2014-12-17