Participants: Cheri Peters
Series Code: OTR
Program Code: OTR001019
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior. 00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:07 may be too candid for younger children. 01:11 I just want to say, I am so glad to be here. 01:15 I get a little bit nervous when I present, 01:18 just because I feel like- I wish I had a story 01:23 that was-like I wish I could come out 01:25 and say, "You know what? 01:27 I trained for the Olympics. 01:28 It was really tough, you know? 01:30 But I won", you know. 01:31 Do you know what I mean? 01:33 And I wish it was clean and nice 01:34 and all that kind of stuff, but it isn't. 01:37 And so for people-some of the stuff I think, 01:39 that is gonna be a little difficult to hear, 01:43 but I just want you to know, that I know that. 01:46 But I also want you to know that, you know, 01:49 I am so grateful to be on this side of the journey. 01:51 I am so grateful to be done with that. 01:54 But I'm just gonna start with-in 1979, 01:57 I've been in recovery for a long time, but in 1979, 02:01 I came into a church and I-it was just ridiculous. 02:04 I came in like woo-hoo! I had just met God. 02:07 How cool is that. 02:09 You know, and I'm a heroin addict, and I'm strung out. 02:12 And I-I don't even know really, 02:14 how to complete a sentence without cussing, you know, 02:17 and-but I come into a church that is very conservative. 02:19 And I walk in and I want to sit on your lap 02:22 because I'm so happy, you know? 02:24 People are like going, you know, can you just, you know, 02:28 just you kind of relax- and so I was-immediately 02:33 kind of realized that, that maybe I was a little bit 02:38 too-let me just say what I looked like. 02:44 I had a dress that was shorter than my hands, 02:47 like you know what I mean? 02:49 It was just this cute little short thing. 02:51 I had a little outfit top that was tight. 02:54 I had jewelry on everywhere 02:56 because I wanted to impress everybody. 02:57 So I had jewelry on everywhere, 02:59 because I wanted you to think I was somebody. 03:01 I came into a church that didn't have any jewelry on at all. 03:05 I wanted to loan my stuff out. 03:07 You know, I thought "are you just poor?" 03:08 You know what I mean? 03:10 I just like- and I couldn't figure it out. 03:11 And you know, in potluck I'm bringing a pork-roast, 03:14 and I'm sitting in the middle of the table 03:15 and I'm not realizing that, you know, 03:17 I just didn't know anything. 03:18 And everything I did was kind of a mess. 03:20 And at one point I remember thinking 03:23 that I just can't do this. 03:27 I tried to be normal, isn't it? 03:29 Raise your hand if you ever tried to be normal 03:31 and you're not. Amen. 03:33 I'm glad you're here. 03:34 You know, I just tried to be normal. 03:36 And I came in, and in the time that I came in- 03:41 and if you had this dress, just raise your hand. 03:44 The dress was, everybody had it in that church 03:48 I came into, was kind of a paisley dress 03:50 with lace collars about this. 03:53 You know, some of you had it, didn't you? 03:55 And so I thought, if I'm gonna be normal, 03:57 I'm gonna get one of those dresses. 03:59 And so I got one in every color. 04:01 You know what I mean? 04:02 And I came in and I sat down and I tried to be normal 04:05 and the whole time I'm thinking, 04:06 "Who would wear this?" you know. 04:08 And so you know, one thing led to another and I leave 04:12 for a while and I mean I was so-by the time 04:15 I left and I'm just a mess and I'm offended now. 04:18 And I leave. 04:19 Anybody ever leave a church because they got offended? 04:24 Oh, only a couple of-okay, good. 04:26 There's a couple of people. So I got offended, I left. 04:28 And then I remember, at one point and God 04:32 said, I want you to go back. 04:35 And I'm like "shut up, I am not going back". 04:38 I am not going back. 04:40 I don't know how to act. 04:41 I don't know how to sit. 04:43 I don't know how to do potluck. 04:44 I don't know how to be normal. 04:45 I don't know- I'm not going back. 04:47 And He's like "you're going back. " I'm not. 04:51 You know, and I just remember having this argument. 04:54 I don't feel-you know I just, you know, 04:57 and finally I listened. 05:01 And He said, "I want you to go back. " 05:02 And so I said, "Okay. " 05:04 And I want to use somebody as an example. 05:07 Let me see. 05:08 Can I use you as an example? 05:10 Yeah, come on up, come on up. 05:11 It's going to be cool. 05:14 So are you a pastor? 05:17 Pretend you are. 05:20 So I have this huge argument with God. 05:23 Oh, yeah, he's not gonna say anything. 05:26 I don't let pastors talk much. Okay? 05:30 So I end up listening to God. 05:34 And He's like "I want you to go back. " 05:36 And it's almost like He's telling me 05:37 "I want you to stop being a baby". 05:39 And you know, I'd left and I relapsed 05:41 and I got into all kinds of trouble 05:42 and so I want you to get back into a safer place. 05:45 And so I went back and it's almost like 05:46 I wanted to go to the pastor and say, 05:48 "I'm gonna tell you everything I ever did. 05:50 I am not gonna pretend anymore. 05:52 This is who I am. " 05:54 And the pastor is like, okay, you know. 05:56 No, no, not okay. 05:58 I'm gonna tell you everything that my mom ever did. 05:59 I'm gonna tell you everything that my grandmother ever did. 06:02 And I remember just being impasse. 06:04 And he was just so yeah, yeah, okay. 06:07 And I told him for the next 06:08 two and half hours, just everything. 06:10 And at the end of my talk, 06:12 I thought you know what-even if you gonna 06:14 let me in your church, you gotta let me in. 06:16 And I can't hide anymore. 06:17 I can't do this anymore. 06:18 And I'm at the end of my talk, 06:20 he just with tears in his eyes said "I would be honored 06:22 to have you in the building". 06:24 And I thought, man. 06:25 I just even thank you for letting me 06:27 grab your shirt, now that's it. 06:30 It's okay. So I remember coming back 06:31 in and finally deciding for the first time in my life, 06:36 that I'm not gonna hide. 06:38 And I don't know about you, 06:39 but that's the first step of recovery. 06:41 I can't hide who I am anymore. 06:42 I can't pretend that I'm somebody that I'm not. 06:45 I can't- I just can't do that anymore. 06:47 So this story I'm gonna tell you 06:48 is just that I'm done hiding. 06:49 And I'm done hiding for a lot of reasons, 06:51 because it was killing me, 06:52 because I couldn't do recovery that way. 06:54 And I don't think that it's what even God asked me to do. 06:59 I was born into a-just a family that's just a mess. 07:03 Raise your hand if you know what I'm talking about. 07:06 You know what-and I love when people raise their hand 07:09 because you guys look so normal. 07:11 I'm like "oh, thank you that you are here", you know. 07:13 So I was born in a family that was really a mess. 07:15 And I always like to, kind of try to figure out 07:17 a way to tell the story, but I-you know, 07:20 my mom's boyfriend and I love him, we always call him dad, 07:25 but my mom's boyfriend, his favorite thing is like, 07:28 he would just-if you walked into my parents house, 07:31 he would be like "do you want some of this?" 07:34 And you're thinking 07:35 "did he just offered me some pot?" 07:37 you know, it's like, you know. 07:38 So he loves to smoke weed and drink and you know, 07:42 he's 6'1" at less than a hundred pounds, 07:45 I don't know what that is for you guys, like you know, 07:48 I mean skinny, skinny. 07:50 The only thing big on him is a little bit of his liver. 07:53 And most people don't think we can get that skinny, 07:56 but some of us know we can in our addiction. 07:59 So anyhow so, anyhow he smokes weed, he drinks. 08:01 His favorite thing to do is get high in barbeque 08:04 because he likes to eat. 08:05 Don't raise your hand if you're like that. 08:07 So-but anyhow, so one day he's going out 08:10 and he's going to a barbeque 08:11 and he's gonna just make something. 08:13 He's got emphysema so bad that he can't walk 08:16 from here to down to there, because he just- 08:19 he has to catch his breath. 08:20 One time I said, "he should get oxygen. " 08:22 You know, "you should get oxygen tank cause it would help you. " 08:25 And he said, "Oh, that wouldn't be cool. " 08:28 And I'm-neither does not being able to breathe. 08:30 You know what I mean? 08:32 It's like, you know, but anyhow, so it's like, you know, 08:33 that was just- he's just like that. 08:35 So he lights the grill, 08:36 he's outside, he lights the grill. 08:38 And it takes the oxygen away from his face just briefly, 08:41 but enough that it knocks him out. 08:42 He can't catch his breath. 08:44 He passes out, falls on the ground, hits his head, 08:46 and knocks himself out. 08:48 So when he comes to, he says, 08:51 "Uh, maybe I'm a little bit too high to barbeque. " 08:55 Because he's real bright in that way. 08:57 So he ends up just going to bed. 08:59 That's a big deal in our family, because for some addicts, 09:02 you have to use every few hours 09:04 else you start to have withdraws. 09:06 You start to have tremors. 09:07 You start to be, I mean-and my dad was that kind of alcoholic. 09:11 Every two hours, he had to drink. 09:13 If you had to if- hen he was working, 09:14 he had to set his alarm before he got up for work, 09:17 like a few hours before he got up for work 09:18 so he could drink. 09:20 And then get up and then go to work 09:21 as he couldn't brush his teeth. 09:24 And, you know, and I'm serious. 09:25 Don't raise your hand if you know 09:27 what I'm talking about and that was those kind of addictions, 09:29 but he's seriously in trouble. 09:32 So anyhow so he's in bed. 09:36 And my mom, they don't-you guys 09:40 don't care, you want to know why they - they don't 09:42 sleep together anymore. 09:43 Do you want to know why? 09:45 Let's pass that. 09:47 Okay, so anyhow, so my mom has her own room. 09:50 My dad has his own room. 09:52 And my mom finally realizes 09:55 that he hasn't been up at all throughout the night, right? 09:58 He hasn't been up, that's not good. 10:00 He's always up because you always see him drinking 10:02 and all that kind of stuff. 10:03 And so she knows that he hasn't been up. 10:05 So she's like okay, she goes in there. 10:07 She goes in there and shakes him. 10:09 And when she shakes him, it's like, 10:11 he's like- he's like a rag doll. 10:13 And she's like, starts to scream at him, you know. 10:17 "Get up", you know. 10:18 "I knew that one day, I would come in 10:20 here and you would be dead and I would have to be dealing 10:22 with this and get up. " 10:23 This is not and she just-she just is angry 10:26 and she is panicky, and she's trying to get him up 10:28 and he can't move at all. 10:30 She's like "he's dead," you know? 10:32 And so my sister comes in and tell me what drug this is. 10:38 "What's wrong? 10:41 You know what, what are you doing-what's, get up". 10:45 And so she's a total meth addict, 10:47 has been doing meth for years, can't keep her body still, 10:50 is always like shaking and itching. 10:52 Any meth addicts in the group, 10:54 anybody know any meth addicts? Okay. 10:56 So I mean, she is just out to lunch, so she's screaming. 10:59 And they're both screaming at him. 11:01 And they're both panicky, 11:02 really, and trying to figure out what's going on. 11:04 My dad tells his point of view, 11:07 as he's lying there, screaming in his head, 11:11 "I'm not dead! I'm not dead, I am not dead!" 11:14 And he said he's trying to do everything 11:17 that he saw in every movie. 11:18 He's trying to blink his eyes, you know. 11:20 He's trying to move his toes. 11:23 He's trying to wiggle something, you know, 11:25 and they're yelling. 11:26 He knows that they think he's dead, and he's not dead, 11:28 I am not dead, you know. 11:30 So then they call an ambulance like four hours later, you know? 11:34 And someone like told me that and I said, 11:37 "Why did you wait so long?" 11:38 "Well, you know how your dad is. " 11:40 No, not when he's dead, you know? 11:42 And so-so now they call the ambulance, 11:44 they get the ambulance over. 11:46 So some guys in lab coats come in. 11:50 I don't know if anybody knows how delirious alcoholics 11:52 can get in the recovery. 11:54 I mean in the-withdrawal stuff? 11:55 They can hallucinate, they can get real delirious. 11:58 He thinks they're aliens, going to abduct him. 12:01 And he can't wiggle his toes, right? 12:03 So he's trying to do anything. 12:05 And he's feeling like okay, now he's being experimented on. 12:08 Who knows what they do when they take you in those ships, 12:11 you know what I mean? 12:13 You've all heard stories, you know. 12:14 So he goes to all of these crazy places. 12:17 They get him to the hospital. 12:18 Please answer this honestly, 12:20 when they get him to the hospital, 12:21 does anybody tell the doctors or nurses 12:23 that he is a severe alcoholic? 12:26 No, why not? 12:28 You don't tell family business, right? 12:31 I mean for most dysfunctional families, 12:34 we don't tell anybody anything. 12:35 So he gets to the hospital. 12:36 Nobody says he is a severe alcoholic. 12:38 This is a big deal. You need to treat him. 12:40 You need to do all that kind of stuff. 12:41 So it took the nursing stuff a while to start treating him. 12:46 But anyhow, in the mean time, 12:48 I get a call, "I think he's gonna die. 12:52 If you want to see him before he dies, 12:54 you need to come down. " 12:56 And I love my family. 12:59 They are a mess. 13:00 I have a sister that is a stripper 13:02 and has a porn side. 13:04 I have another sister that's a meth addict. 13:06 You know, brothers, uncles, grandparents are alcoholics. 13:09 I mean, we have addictions that just run through our family. 13:12 I had an uncle one time that was really 13:14 so yellow that I asked him. 13:16 I am like eight years old, and I asked him, 13:17 "Why are you so yellow?" 13:19 And he said that his mama was a duck. 13:22 I'm like, as-even as a kid I knew 13:25 that there was something really wrong with that. 13:28 That's like-so it's like, you know, 13:30 we just have all of this stuff. 13:31 So now I'm in recovery and doing all this kind of stuff. 13:35 And I'm gonna fly in to see my mom's boyfriend and my dad. 13:39 I call him dad. 13:40 And I'm gonna fly in, and I get there. 13:44 And I come in, and I run in the house, 13:47 I hire a car at the airport, I run in the house- 13:50 and I think I'm just gonna go to my mom's house 13:53 and have her to take me to the hospital. 13:54 But I run in and my dad is sitting in a chair, 13:58 "Oh, what are you doing there?" 14:01 And I'm thinking, "What am I doing here?" 14:03 What are you doing here? 14:04 I mean, it did take me few days to get, 14:06 you know, playing, bearing all that kind of stuff, 14:08 but what are you doing here? 14:09 And he said man, and he tells me all about the hospital. 14:12 That he had his arteries in his neck 14:14 were blocked off almost totally, you know. 14:17 And does anybody know what those arteries do? 14:20 You know, they beat your brain. 14:22 You know, it's-I could have told him as a teenager 14:24 that those were totally blocked off, but you know, 14:27 so he-they had to open those arteries. 14:29 This kind of-they do this kind of thing 14:32 to open those arteries off 14:33 because they're all occluded, so he did that. 14:35 They worked on his alcoholism. 14:37 Finally, somebody worked on that, got him cleared. 14:40 What he was in the- when he knocked himself out, 14:44 he had a subdural hematoma, slow-bleeding 14:47 in his brain caused a paralysis, worked on that. 14:49 And so now he's sitting there. 14:51 And he's sitting there in this recliner 14:53 that he's had forever, you know. 14:56 He's been sitting there, I think for 45 years, 14:59 never been cleaned, shape of his body, 15:01 you know what I mean? 15:02 It has arms-the arms are pretty fluffy on both sides 15:05 and they open up and there's little compartments there? 15:08 Has anybody seen recliners like that? 15:10 What do you think is in his compartments? 15:12 Every kind of paraphernalia you need. 15:15 He's got roach clips, matches, lighters, 15:17 you know, papers of that time. 15:18 I don't know if you still use papers because I am clean. 15:21 But so anyhow, so he's got all that kind of stuff. 15:23 And the other side of the chair of those compartments, 15:26 he's got catnip for our cats, 15:28 because our cats are even stoned. 15:30 Do you know what I mean? 15:31 And I'm serious, so he's sitting there. 15:32 He's happy as can be. 15:34 And I'm trying to-you know, he's telling me all the story 15:37 about what he went through. 15:38 And he's drinking some beer, smoking some weed 15:40 and he's just sitting there and the same thing, 15:42 and I'm thinking, "Are you kidding me? 15:44 If that happened to me, I would be slamming carrot juice. 15:46 I would be doing something. 15:48 And he looked at me like, 15:49 "Hon, you can't worry about every little thing. " 15:52 And I'm like really? 15:54 And you know, to me that is my family. 15:56 They are delightful, but they are strung out. 16:02 Well, delightful in some ways that addicts can be delightful. 16:06 So anyhow I'm gonna tell you a little bit. He ends up. 16:08 He starts to smile and I'll tell you just the rest of the story. 16:12 He starts to smile and he's really happy about something. 16:15 And I said, "You know what? 16:16 What are you so happy about?" 16:18 He is like, "Oh, nothing. " 16:19 Then I'm like "come on. " 16:21 He's just smiling, huge smile. 16:22 And then I said, "What is it? 16:23 Come on. " And he is like "nothing. " 16:25 And I was like "what?" 16:26 Then he picks up a bottle of like 16:28 Percodan or Oxycodone. 16:30 "Look what they gave me at the hospital. " 16:33 And he's like so happy. 16:34 Then I'm thinking, you know, just crazy. 16:37 But anyhow, so my- I was born in that family. 16:40 My mom was probably- she was in her early teens 16:43 when she had me. I was her second child. 16:46 She had my sister. 16:47 My dad was like 15, got her pregnant in high school. 16:52 He was already drinking in high school. 16:53 Raise your hand if you started drinking in high school. 16:56 So a lot of people, you know, you are drinking 16:58 at a really early age, all that kind of stuff. 17:00 So he started drinking in high school, got my mom pregnant. 17:04 They decided to get together as a couple. 17:06 He quit his-he quit high school, dropped out, got a job, 17:09 couldn't keep the job because he was drinking. 17:11 And he had authority issues and all that kind of stuff. 17:13 My mom has her first baby and she really believed, 17:16 I think, that once she had her first baby, 17:18 they would be- it would be amazing. 17:20 You know, they would just be in love 17:23 and everything would work out and all that kind of stuff. 17:24 My dad started to beat her pretty early. 17:27 He would literally grab the back of her head 17:29 and slam her face into things, like you know, 17:31 "don't mouth off to me or touch me. " 17:33 Don't raise your hand if you are like that guy. 17:35 But if you are that guy, recovery is amazing. 17:37 But anyhow, he would do that kind of stuff. 17:40 If she said anything, and he felt disrespected, 17:42 she would get, you know, 17:45 he liked to slam her face into things. 17:47 I'm not sure why that was his thing. 17:49 But anyhow, when my sister was two months old, 17:52 my mom found out that she was pregnant again. 17:55 And she just couldn't do it again. 17:57 "I'm not doing this again. " 17:58 And so she tried to self-abort. 17:59 She tried to take pills, she tried to overdose. 18:02 She tried to get in hot water. 18:04 Somebody told her, "if you can get into really hot water, 18:06 you can miscarriage, try that. " 18:08 Somebody even told her that, that if you could break the sack 18:10 that the baby's in, if you could puncture that, 18:12 then you can miscarriage. 18:13 She tried that- ust kind of cut herself up. 18:15 And so my mom tried a number of things to miscarriage. 18:19 When she went to the hospital 18:21 to have me, she was angry and depressed 18:23 and it was- she was just done. 18:26 And I don't think she knew 18:28 what she was gonna do- she ended up having me. 18:30 And they were even trying to get her to sign 18:32 the birth certificate, and she was like 18:35 "I can't," you know. 18:37 And so when she took me home, she just went into depression. 18:41 She gave the kid over to my dad, 18:43 for me, and he started interfering with us, 18:48 or molesting with us, molesting us very early. 18:53 He was caught the first time 18:54 with me when I was three months old. 18:56 I don't know what it feels like to be in a normal family. 18:59 Do you know what I mean? 19:01 I don't know what any of that feels like. 19:02 Lots of addictions, lots of crazy stuff. 19:04 My mom got more and more depressed. 19:06 She had one child after another she had five kids 19:08 before she was in her early 20s. 19:10 So I mean, it was-she was just lost in that, got more and more 19:15 into kind of withdrawing, weeding, taking drugs, 19:21 either prescription or drugs 19:24 to just kind of disappear with that. 19:26 My dad got more and more crazy into his drinking 19:28 and eventually they just they ended up kicking him out. 19:34 And at that point, my mom moved a bartender in. 19:38 How cool is that. 19:40 He was so fun. 19:42 I'm just-I don't know if you ever lived 19:44 with a bartender, but they come home, 19:46 they're still ready to party. 19:47 You know, they get home at two in the morning. 19:49 They're wakening you up and you know, come on., 19:52 and he was so fun. 19:54 He brought a piano in. He was a jazz singer. 19:56 And you know, I even love, I-this, 19:58 you know, he would- I just love him. 20:00 Just, he was just fun. 20:01 And he would do things like- probably the fondest memory 20:08 that I have is, he taught us to stick pizza up 20:11 our nose and shoot them at each other. 20:15 It was just so fun. Have you ever done that? 20:20 But you know, it was and I could hit you from here. 20:23 Do you know what I mean? 20:25 And the only time you don't want to do 20:26 that is that somebody had a cold, you like, phew. 20:29 I'm not playing with you, that is not fair. 20:31 You know, and he was just like, he would be coming 20:35 from working he would just had drank and you know, 20:38 been high and you know, wanted to do something, 20:40 waken us up, we would dance around the room, 20:43 we'd jump over the tables. 20:45 We would wad up hamburger meat and stick 20:47 them on the ceiling, and see if they fell on someone. 20:50 I mean we just had the best time. 20:52 And, as a kid I had no idea that was dysfunctional. 20:56 Wouldn't that be fun, Anna? 20:58 So you know, just as a kid, it's just a blast 21:00 and so- but with alcoholics, 21:04 it's like if they are high and happy, 21:06 everything is really good, and then they crash. 21:08 So it was like this kind of thing. 21:10 I learned right away, not to live in 21:12 my environment, just to control it. 21:13 Do you know what I mean? 21:15 Because you know, there is just a lot of stuff. 21:19 My mom again, she would get more and more intense, 21:22 like, if I even tried to touch my mom or hold her, 21:26 sit next to her, it was like I knew 21:28 that something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. 21:31 She would say something like 21:32 "why do you have to hang all over me? 21:33 Why do you always need attention?" 21:35 And I remember always needing attention. 21:38 I wanted her to touch me. 21:40 I wanted her to just say she loved me. 21:41 I wanted to be able to sit next to her just once. 21:45 And I remember just longing 21:46 to- my mom is very-just beautiful and smart. 21:50 And I just wanted just to say "I love you. " 21:54 And I just couldn't. 21:55 She just- I couldn't. 21:57 And I would stand in front of the mirror as a little kid, 21:59 and just stand there and try to be funnier or cuter 22:02 or whatever and then come out and try to get her attention. 22:04 With my step-dad I could get his attention 22:06 or my mom's boyfriend. 22:08 And he was fine if he was high, 22:10 but when he wasn't- I mean, you know, 22:11 it's just a crazy kind of thing. 22:13 And I had-my grandmother would have, 22:19 you know, us over and like for holidays and stuff. 22:21 And there was an aunt that I had that was just amazing. 22:25 She was bipolar. 22:26 Is anybody bipolar? 22:28 Do you know anybody that's bipolar? 22:30 Okay, so I always have to ask that, do you have a friend? 22:33 It's like, but anyhow so I have an aunt that was bipolar. 22:37 And she was amazing. 22:38 She was funny. 22:40 You know, because she got mannequins 22:42 and she was all that kind of stuff. 22:43 And one time when I was really little she came up 22:45 and she just grabbed my face and she said, 22:48 "You are so beautiful. " 22:50 And I just started crying. 22:52 And when I-literally just weeping, you know? 22:55 And she just picked me up 22:56 and I know that at that moment she knew 22:59 that I was just this abused little kid 23:01 and she picked me up and she held me and laughed with me. 23:04 And you know, she from moment on, 23:07 every Christmas when I saw her, she loved me. 23:10 And it was just the coolest thing. 23:11 I think she helped me survive, in my-throughout my life. 23:17 But anyhow so she would every Christmas 23:20 kind of tell me a joke. 23:22 And I survived this for this joke-I survived with this joke, 23:27 through many, I think, many years. 23:30 But anyhow, I'm gonna tell you the joke. 23:32 You need to just say- when I say anything, 23:34 just say pisu, okay? 23:36 So what'd you have for breakfast? 23:38 Pisu. What did you have for lunch? 23:40 Pisu. What did you have for dinner? 23:45 Pisu. What did you do all night? 23:49 Pisu. You know, she was-I just thought she was funny. 23:51 And she would tell me that joke every time 23:52 I saw her. When I was real little, 23:54 I thought that was the funniest joke ever. 23:55 And then was a little bit- later I thought, 23:57 oh, that's kind of dumb, isn't it? 23:59 But I mean, I always laugh. 24:00 And when I was about eight years old, 24:04 I went over to my grandmother's house expecting to see her. 24:07 And I came in, and I couldn't see her car. 24:11 I asked my mom where she's at, and mom said that your aunt 24:14 is dead, and I don't want you to cry 24:15 because you're gonna upset your grandmother. 24:18 And I remember thinking, just in that moment, 24:20 I was thinking that if she was dead, 24:21 she would have taken me with her. 24:23 Because she was really what helped me survive, 24:25 especially the early stuff. 24:27 And I didn't know what dead was, 24:28 but I had that sense that I wouldn't see her again. 24:31 And I just started crying. 24:33 And I want you to just think about this, because I think, 24:36 when I grew up, I thought that my mom 24:39 was so cruel for saying that to me. 24:41 But I think that during that day and age, 24:43 that when somebody committed suicide, 24:45 which my aunt had committed suicide, 24:47 nobody ever talked about that stuff. 24:49 So it was just that nobody talked about that. 24:51 And to come in and for me to cry, my grandmother 24:53 would have went into the whole thing again. 24:55 But anyhow, she just said to stay outside 24:57 until I could get it together. 24:59 And I did, I stayed outside, 25:00 I cried. I couldn't figure out how to get it together. 25:03 I couldn't think about how I'm gonna survive 25:05 without her, any of that stuff. 25:07 And then the clouds kinda parted, 25:09 sun kind of filtered through the clouds, 25:11 and I just heard in my head, not anybody's voice, 25:14 but I heard in my head "what did you have for breakfast?" 25:17 And I thought, I'm gonna somehow survive. 25:20 And I went in the house, we did Christmas. 25:23 I went home and I thought, you know, I'm gonna- 25:26 I think I'm just gonna kill myself. 25:28 And how old was I? 25:31 Eight, I couldn't figure it out how to do it. 25:33 You know because, you know, I was little. 25:35 And I ended up to thinking, I'm just gonna climb up 25:38 on a building and jump off. 25:40 And so I figured out where I'm gonna climb up, 25:42 where I am gonna jump off. 25:43 We had an asphalt driveway. 25:45 And so I'm just gonna jump off onto that driveway. 25:47 And it took me forever to climb up 25:49 and I got over there and leaped off. 25:52 I had put a mattress down before I went up, you know. 25:58 Because I wanted to die, 25:59 but I didn't want to get injured in anyway, you know. 26:03 And I landed on this mattress, it was just ridiculous. 26:06 And ended up injuring my leg, finding out 26:10 that with this injury- there was an underlying disease. 26:14 They put me in braces and crutches with this disease. 26:17 It was called Legg Perthes Disease, 26:19 but it was aggravated with this jump. 26:21 And so I ended up now in braces and crutches 26:24 and orthopedic shoes. 26:27 Is there anybody who got teased in school? 26:30 Do you think I was teased 26:31 when I went back to school with braces, 26:33 crutches and orthopedic shoes? 26:34 Nobody even saw me before then. 26:36 And now I'm walking down the hallway 26:37 and people are tripping me. 26:39 And I'm thinking great, you know? 26:41 And I ended up- it was really interesting 26:43 'cause my mom had to start taking me to the hospital 26:46 for physical therapy, three times a week 26:48 because of the Perthes disease. 26:50 I started to get teased at school. 26:52 But I'm spending time with my mom. 26:54 And I really believe that spending time with my mom, 26:56 that she would finally love me for the first time. 26:59 She would spend time with me. She would love me. 27:01 She has to take me to physical therapy. 27:03 Has to do this and I thought 27:06 that, that was just an incredible thing. 27:08 When I went to school and got teased, 27:10 it was a little bit more difficult. 27:11 But what I did at school is, I ended up trying to figure out 27:16 how I'm gonna get-let's say you guys are my classmates. 27:20 How am I gonna get not teased, 27:22 and how am I gonna get accepted with these braces, 27:24 crutches and orthopedic shoes? 27:26 So I saw-I was looking at the hallway one day, 27:28 and I'm looking down the hallway and I'm thinking, 27:31 "I got it. " I'm gonna run with this brace. 27:36 There's a rubber ball in the bottom 27:37 of the brace to keep you from slipping. 27:39 I'm gonna hit the crutches, 27:41 I'm gonna pull over myself as far forward 27:43 as I can, and just land. 27:47 And I did. I did it like 20 feet, you know. 27:50 And some kids said, "Wow, I'd like to try that. " 27:54 And so I said, "How much money do you have?" 27:59 And so I started renting them out. 28:01 You know, I became very popular. 28:04 You know, I had a total hip replacement 28:06 not long ago because I didn't wear them, but you know, 28:08 I just- I worked it up. 28:10 So now my mom's taking me to the hospital, 28:11 I'm popular at school 'cause I'm renting out these things. 28:14 And everything started to turn around 28:15 in such an incredible way. 28:17 But what-my mom and her boyfriend 28:20 decided that it was too much work 28:23 for them to take care of all of the medical stuff. 28:25 And that they needed to send me to live somewhere else. 28:29 And I just- it just stunned me. 28:31 I have been trying to get you to love 28:33 me my whole life, it felt like. 28:36 And I can't get sent somewhere else. 28:38 If I get sent somewhere else, 28:39 I knew that she would forget me. 28:41 I knew that I would never be able to get her to love 28:44 me or get accepted. 28:45 And I just tried everything. I tried to bargain. 28:47 I'll be good. I'll do all the chores. 28:49 You know, I just tried to bargain 28:53 with her and she was just, you know, 28:55 "we need to send you away. " 28:57 And they sent me to Canada from California, 29:00 because my mom's Canadian, 29:02 but they send me to Canada to live 29:04 with an aunt who was 70 years old 29:07 or so diabetic, and Christian. 29:09 I didn't even know what that was. 29:11 And I get over to her house. 29:13 And she is just really trying to be nice to me, 29:17 but I'm thinking, you know, what if she does like me 29:21 and what if I do like her, I'll never get home. 29:23 Do you know what I mean? 29:25 And I don't know if that make sense to anybody, 29:26 but I'll never get home. 29:28 So I was horrible to her. 29:29 "You cannot keep me here. 29:32 I hate you. I'm not staying. " 29:34 And she's got my room setup. 29:36 And saying I could stay in that room all my life. 29:38 You could stay, go to college here. 29:40 And I'm just wanting to hit her. You can't keep me here. 29:43 That's kidnapping. Do you know what I mean? 29:45 And I'm just like I'm beside myself with what she was saying 29:48 and I was not pleasant at all. 29:52 She-one time, I was doing something and she said, 29:55 you know, let me see your teeth. 29:56 And I'm thinking, 29:58 "I'm not letting you see my teeth. " 30:00 And she literally pried my mouth open. 30:01 And I am trying to scream and shut my mouth as tight as I can. 30:04 And she's got her hands on my face pushing everything open. 30:07 And my teeth were just full of plaque and a mess. 30:10 And she was saying I just want to see that. 30:12 And we can get the plaque off your teeth 30:14 by brushing your teeth with baking soda. 30:17 And I remember thinking, at home, 30:18 I don't even have to brush my teeth, you know? 30:21 And I was serious. 30:22 I was just like, you know, I don't have- 30:24 and we had a one bedroom house. 30:26 We had child protective services 30:28 coming to our house because our house was a mess. 30:31 We were a mess. 30:32 You could stick to the bathroom floor 30:34 in my mom's house, it was filthy. 30:37 The tile was up. 30:38 I mean it's not that we lived in a neighborhood 30:40 where the houses were a mess, but our house was a mess. 30:43 I just wasn't used to- somebody's telling me 30:45 the sink busted in my mom's bathroom or in our bathroom. 30:50 And we brushed our teeth, if we brushed our teeth, 30:52 in the bathtub because we didn't have bathroom sink 30:54 for years, it seemed like. 30:56 You know, so I'm thinking that, you know, 30:57 I'm not brushing my teeth. 30:59 And she's like "you're brushing your teeth. " 31:01 And we had this huge fight. 31:03 And she just dragged me in the bathroom. 31:05 And when she was dragging me in the bathroom, 31:06 I was screaming my head off, Anna. 31:08 Screaming my head off. 31:10 And you know, every time I screamed, 31:11 do you know what she did? 31:12 Stuck the toothbrush in my mouth. 31:16 Every time I screamed, I would try to-it was like, 31:19 you know, she tried everything, 31:20 but after a while, even the school psychologist said, 31:23 "You need to send her home. " They sent me home. 31:26 I arrived. Everything- I thought everything 31:31 was gonna be fine and good or whatever. 31:34 My mom's boyfriend was trying to stop 31:37 his alcoholism, his drinking. 31:39 He was not in the best mood. 31:41 And I had broken a fence in the front yard 31:43 playing with some friends. 31:45 And he pulled up in the driveway at the same time. 31:47 And he just started screaming. 31:49 "You know what, the happiest times of our lives 31:50 was when you were gone and we do not want you back here. " 31:53 And I know now that he was just coming down. 31:57 I mean, addicts say the most horrible 31:59 thing to their kids at times. 32:01 But I didn't know that then. 32:03 I just knew that it's true. 32:05 And I'm not gonna convince 32:06 them that I'm okay and that they loved me 32:09 and all that kind of stuff and I remember just crying, 32:11 but for the first time in my life realizing, 32:13 that I am now 11 years old. 32:16 And I don't know where to go. 32:18 You know, if it's not here, where is it? 32:20 And somebody had said something to me, 32:23 about the reason people do drugs and alcohol, 32:25 is they don't want to think about their problems. 32:27 They don't want to deal with their problems. 32:29 And I remember thinking 32:31 that I gotta find some drugs and alcohol. 32:33 And I went out and found someone that would give drugs 32:36 and alcohol to an 11 year old child. 32:39 And I just, you know, I won't elaborate on that. 32:42 But I just want to say that people 32:45 that I found that would do that to an 11 year old child 32:47 were not the safest folks. 32:49 And the first time I did a drug, I did what's called Quaalude. 32:53 So like, I remember taking the drug 32:56 and I for a brief moment didn't care 32:59 whether you liked me or not. 33:01 Does anybody know what I am saying? 33:03 I could care less. 33:04 I finally didn't feel like killing myself. 33:06 I finally felt like, "you know what, I can get by. 33:08 And if you don't like me, so what? 33:10 Let's take it outside. " 33:11 I remember thinking for the first time, 33:13 I don't care if my mom likes me, 33:15 I don't care of anybody likes me or not. 33:16 If I can just take more of this, 33:17 if I could just stay high, I will be okay. 33:21 And I really felt like that. 33:22 It was like I finally found the solution to my problems. 33:26 The thing that was gonna help me survive. 33:29 And I ended up high for the next 10 years. 33:32 I was pregnant by the next year. 33:35 My parents kind of did the same thing 33:39 that my mom's parents did to her, 33:41 is "you should get married. " 33:44 I mean I am a child, you know. 33:47 But, that's what we planned on doing-is that we ended up 33:55 thinking about marriage. 33:57 I am now eight and a half months pregnant. 33:59 I weighed 104 pounds. 34:01 So I was using a lot. 34:03 I was a mess. I was young. 34:05 And went in the hospital to deliver 34:09 before I ended up going to Mexico to get married, 34:11 I had twins that could fit in the palms of your hands. 34:15 They were very small and damaged, 34:19 not only because of my age, but all the stuff 34:21 I was putting in my body. 34:22 And I remember not having any connection, 34:25 no-like I didn't have any sense 34:28 of what I was doing was actually 34:31 hurting these babies, but they did not survive. 34:34 The girl was still-born, and the boy lived 34:36 for eight and a half hours. 34:37 And the doctor came in at one point and said to me, 34:40 "Do you realize that what you put in your body caused this?" 34:43 And I remember thinking that, that was the cruelest thing 34:47 anybody's ever said to me. 34:48 And I just wanted to- I just wanted to hurt him. 34:51 I couldn't believe that he said that. 34:53 And I ended up at that point. 34:55 And I think I had gone into depression before then. 34:58 But I end up going into depression. 35:00 I told my mom after the twins died 35:03 that I could just come home. 35:05 She encouraged me to get married and not come home. 35:08 We ended up getting married. 35:10 I moved in with his parents. 35:12 He was- his name was John. 35:14 He was in the navy. 35:15 And he went overseas. 35:17 And I stayed at his parents. 35:18 And I just want you to think 35:20 about that, do you think his parents liked me? 35:23 Now I was a 12 year old drug addict 35:24 that just ruined their son's life. 35:27 I didn't get that at that time. 35:29 All I got, was I'm looking at another adult 35:32 that is looking at me as if I am the problem. 35:35 And I remember looking in the mirror 35:36 again saying, "What is it?" 35:38 And not having any sense of anything, but just thinking 35:41 that now I married. 35:42 I don't have to take that anymore. 35:44 I am legally an adult even though I am a child. 35:47 And I don't even have to live here. 35:48 And I remember actually leaving that house and ending upon 35:52 the streets of Los Angeles, homeless for the next 10 years. 35:55 When I say stepping onto the streets of Los Angeles, 35:59 the only reason I survived I think is I did that, 36:02 but the stuff that happened before in my life, 36:05 the intensity of the issues 36:06 that I saw before and that was nothing compared 36:08 to what a child sees on the streets 36:10 when you were out there. 36:12 I was picked up immediately by perpetrators 36:14 and addicts that used children. 36:19 And the things that I saw on the streets was really intense. 36:25 In that moment I'm not gonna get into too much, 36:28 but I got one time picked by a motor cycle gang. 36:30 And they were doing initiation for new members. 36:33 And I remember at first thinking, 36:35 "Oh, this is fun. We're going camping. 36:38 That would be fun. " I don't know about you, 36:40 but I never went camping. 36:42 My family is, you know, addicts. 36:44 And we didn't do that kind of stuff. 36:46 And so we're just gonna go camping 36:48 and we'd take some drugs. 36:50 And we get to this camp ground, 36:52 and there was about 300 bikers 36:53 and they're doing initiation for new members. 36:55 And what they do with initiation is, they'd bring in kids 36:59 from the street, they beat them, rape them, 37:02 all kinds of different things. 37:04 And by the end of the night, either they live or die, 37:06 but that's not even an issue. 37:08 The new members get initiated. 37:10 And we were pulled in for that. 37:12 And I remember when I got there, 37:13 I got off the bike thinking that I'm just going camping. 37:15 It's no big deal. 37:17 And I started to walk away from that guy that took me there. 37:19 And he just screamed at me, 37:21 "Did I say that you could walk away from me?" 37:24 And I remember thinking, "Did I ask you?" 37:26 You know, as soon as I said that, he hit 37:29 me in the face as hard as he could. 37:31 And I remember even at like 14 years old, 37:33 that I'm thinking, I can't believe you just hit me. 37:36 And so I got up and hit him in the face as hard as I could. 37:39 He was 38 and buffed. 37:42 I was 14 and 14, you know? 37:45 And he hit me in the face again. 37:48 And I, at that time was furious. 37:50 And I was furious in the sense of "I don't even know you", 37:54 you know, I don't even, you know, I'm not even sure 37:56 what's going on, but you're not gonna-nobody is gonna hit me. 37:59 Nobody is gonna do that. 38:00 And I was just angry and furious. 38:01 And I got up and hit him. 38:03 He hit me and each time he hit me, I hit this tree. 38:05 It was just ridiculous. 38:07 And so now I am angry about that. 38:09 Everybody is laughing 'cause I kept hitting the same tree 38:11 and they thought that was funny. 38:13 And I remember getting up and hitting him again 38:14 and I was just so furious. 38:16 I am trying to hit him and scratch 38:18 him and all that kind of stuff. 38:20 He's laughing which made it worse for me. 38:22 I hit him again. 38:23 And he finally hits me where he knocked some teeth out. 38:27 I thought my face cracked. 38:29 And I decided that I would stay down. 38:31 I was checking just to see how damaged I am. 38:34 I don't know if anybody has been beaten, 38:36 or in a car accident or whatever but you just try to assess 38:39 how damaged you are. 38:40 I was trying to figure out how many teeth are gone, 38:43 you know, I knew that I was bleeding. 38:44 I was trying to check out all that kind of stuff. 38:46 He walks over to me and he says, 38:48 "Man, you are really gutsy. 38:51 I like that. I'd like you to be my old lady. " 38:55 And I'm thinking, "Did he just ask me out?" 38:58 'Cause I don't think so. 39:00 Do you know what I mean? 39:01 And I thought, to be in a world that is so turned around, 39:06 that what- the respect that you got was that you could get hit 39:09 in the face and still get up. 39:11 And I'm thinking, the stuff I saw on the street 39:14 was not-it was like everything was turned around. 39:17 Does that make sense? 39:18 It was just like you are trying to make to sense out 39:20 of something that doesn't make sense. 39:21 I remember telling him, "no. " 39:24 "No thanks", you know? 39:25 And he said, "Oh, that wasn't a question. " 39:27 I'm now his personal property which probably saved my life. 39:30 But now I am his personal property. 39:32 At one time, he was so high, and this is how I think, 39:35 ridiculous we are, as addicts. 39:37 He was so high, but he decided that now I am his girlfriend, 39:41 now his lady and I don't know how to shoot a gun, right? 39:45 So he's gonna teach me. 39:47 And I'm thinking, "Are you really 39:49 gonna put a gun in my hand?" 39:51 And then he literally hands me a gun 39:53 and he's gonna set up the target. 39:56 I'm thinking "I so don't need a target", 39:58 you know, I'm thinking. 40:00 And I don't know what happened, and I didn't shoot him 40:02 because I don't know how to shoot a gun. 40:03 But how hard could it be, you know. 40:05 And he's walking over to set a target up 40:07 and everything in my mind was thinking 40:09 "just shoot him", you know. 40:11 And--but that's--the stuff I saw on the street, 40:14 was that kind of stuff. 40:15 It was almost like, you know, 40:17 turning around and just seeing things upside down. 40:22 I just took my drugs to survive stuff, 40:24 I just took my drug. 40:25 I was in a drug house one time in 40:27 and I was high and I was hearing this guy talk. 40:31 And this guy was talking about-- 40:35 can I use an example 'cause-- 40:36 let me see an example of someone. 40:39 Is there a doctor in the house? 40:43 Okay, come on up. 40:46 He tried just like to sit lower in his seat. 40:51 So now he was-- I just heard this doctor talking 40:56 and he was just talking about he was a cardiac surgeon. 41:00 Then I thought how cool is that. 41:02 And I remember thinking, how cool is that. 41:05 And I went over and I said, you know, 41:07 "Wow, can I see your hands? 41:08 That is amazing." And I'm thinking 41:11 "you do heart transplants." 41:12 You know, and I don't know why, 41:14 but my whole life I wanted someone to be normal, anybody. 41:18 You know what I mean? 41:19 There's gotta be somebody--be normal, 41:21 just throw me in front of a train, 41:22 cause I'm so done. And I think for, 41:24 you know, whenever I met somebody that had a decent life, 41:29 I just-- it was like, 41:30 I longed for that to be real. 41:32 And so I'm just kind of enjoying the fact 41:34 that he was-- had a cardiac surgery 41:36 and he started telling some stuff. 41:38 And then I think he's sitting next to a friend of mine 41:41 who is a kid, and she is a prostitute. 41:44 So I said to him, "What are you doing here?" 41:47 And he said "what do you mean?" 41:50 Please don't say that again. What are you doing here? 41:52 I'm just asking you a question 41:54 and you said what you mean, again. 41:55 And I said, "I'm just asking you one simple question, 41:57 what are you doing here?" 41:59 And I remember being so angry, like, 42:01 "what are you doing here?" 42:02 Did you--the people that you work with, know you're here? 42:04 Does your wife know you're here? 42:05 And I wanted to just ask him, 42:07 just please tell me what you're doing here. 42:10 And I don't know what I wanted him to say but in my heart, 42:13 I wanted him to be normal. 42:14 You know what I mean? 42:16 And I knew that what he was gonna pay her 42:17 is probably 20 bucks, right? 42:20 And so when you go to work, 42:21 when you first breathe that work, the first breath, 42:23 do you get more than 20 bucks? 42:27 Oh, I'm sorry. Some doctors do. 42:38 But you know, I was so angry. 42:40 It's like when you breathe, when you first walk in, 42:43 do you make more than that? 42:44 And you know, everybody is telling me to shut up. 42:46 You know what, you know, 42:48 people around me are saying, "Just stop. Just stop." 42:50 You know and I'm thinking I'm not gonna stop. 42:53 And then finally somebody says 42:54 something to me like they're fed. 42:57 And raise your hand if you get this, 42:58 "Cheri, we're playing him." 43:01 And I'm like "really?" 43:03 'cause I want to know what you make. 43:05 You know, "What's in your bank account 43:07 because she doesn't have a bank account." 43:09 You know, "Where do you live? 43:10 Because she lives here in this drug house." 43:12 You know, "What are talking about? 43:14 What do you drive? She doesn't have a car. 43:16 What do you mean we're playing him?" 43:18 You know, who's playing who? 43:20 And I just want to scream to the entire world, 43:22 "Does this make sense to anybody?" 43:25 you know, and so finally people are saying "stop." 43:28 Just take some more drugs and that's what I did. 43:30 I really got by just sedating myself 43:34 because I just felt like, you know, is anybody normal? 43:37 Is anybody, is anybody, you know, so funny. 43:41 You know, 10 years go by and I'm 23 years old. 43:44 I'm burned out. I'm now dealing drugs. 43:47 We do a drug deal. And we're doing that. 43:49 I had been up for five days freebasing coke. 43:52 I'm high, and I don't know if anybody's done that, 43:54 but you get a little paranoid, all that kind of stuff. 43:57 And I've got seven pounds of cocaine. 43:59 We're selling to a guy from San Francisco and from LA, 44:01 so we fly in. We're doing all of this kind of crazy stuff 44:07 and he owns a restaurant. 44:09 And I wanna scream at the same thing. 44:11 You know, we're dealers. 44:13 You own a restaurant in San Francisco on the bay. 44:16 What're you doing buying drugs? 44:18 And I just want to say to somebody, "stop." 44:23 You know, I just want to say that and so he's-- 44:25 you know, we've got chemicals, 44:26 we've got scales, we've got the drugs, 44:28 we've got everything set up. 44:29 We've got cassettes on the table and we are upstairs 44:32 and we've got all of the stuff $67,000 cash in one deal, 44:35 in another deal. 44:37 We're transferring these drugs over, and by the time I get-- 44:39 we get this drug deal home, we get on the airplane. 44:44 I'm on the airplane, going back and the guy 44:46 that I'm with gets the stewardess high. 44:48 Just think about that. 44:50 I'm wanting her to just go get her seat belt on. 44:52 Do you know what I mean? 44:53 I'm thinking "is anybody normal?" 44:55 Besides Teresa. No. 44:57 Is anybody normal? Is anybody-- 45:00 you know and I just, you know by the time I get home-- 45:02 I live in a drug house, I'm getting home. 45:04 And I just want-- I just can't stand it. 45:06 I just want somebody to be normal. 45:08 The money that we made doesn't go with us. 45:11 We just ran drugs. It goes back to the attorney 45:13 that's never done a drug in his life 45:14 but this is his business. Money goes back to him. 45:17 I've been out forever and I go in my room 45:19 and I crash and I am done. 45:21 And when you've been up for five days or so, on drugs, 45:24 when you crash, you crash. 45:25 It's almost like a death. 45:26 And I go in my room to crash and a couple hours later, 45:29 I get woke up to a guy with a gun to my face 45:31 and he just starts screaming, slams the gun in my face 45:34 and "I am gonna blow your head off." 45:36 And "nobody steals from me." 45:37 And na- na-na-na-na-na-na, and I can't even wake up to hear 45:40 what he's saying. I am so-- 45:42 I can't, I can't focus. 45:44 And I'm thinking "what is he saying?" 45:47 And finally I realize, he's gonna blow my head off. 45:50 And I thought, "Thank you so much. 45:53 I've been trying to do this my whole life." 45:55 You know what I mean? 45:57 I just totally relax, thinking, "you know what? 45:59 I can't even tell you how much I appreciate this", you know. 46:03 And so I relax and he starts just flipping out. 46:07 "I'm gonna blow your head off." 46:08 And na-na-na-na and I think because I relax, 46:10 he's just like going on and on. 46:13 And he says, "Are you crazy?" 46:15 And I'm thinking, "Are you my psychiatrist?" 46:17 You know I thought, "Just pull the trigger." 46:19 What are we doing dialoguing?" 46:21 And he just kept on and on. 46:22 And finally I realized he's just trying to scare me. 46:25 And I remember for the first time in my life 46:27 just wanted to scream as I taken my next breath scares me. 46:30 "You blowing my head off doesn't scare me. 46:32 I don't wanna be here. I don't like it here. 46:35 I've not had-- there is not been one day 46:37 that I've stepped out and had it work out for me, 46:39 just pull the trigger." And he is like, 46:42 "You're crazy." And I'm thinking, 46:44 "You have a gun to my face. 46:46 Who's crazy? You're crazy. 46:48 Pull the trigger. Do you want me to call somebody for you? 46:51 Are you a little girl? Pull the trigger." 46:53 You know, what do you say, to somebody just like-- 46:56 and I remember just thinking, "pull the trigger." 46:57 And he leaves and I am just done. 47:01 And, you know, few days go by 47:03 and I'm thinking I still have to breathe 47:05 and I still have to walk and I still have to get up 47:07 and I don't want to. You know, I don't know 47:08 if anybody has ever felt like that, 47:10 but I don't want to. And I finally realized 47:12 that I have to get someone to help me. 47:14 I need to go somewhere where someone can help me 47:17 and talk me out of killing myself. 47:20 I should have went to church or something. 47:22 But I went to my mom's house. 47:24 And so I get to my mom's house. 47:27 And, you know, my mom's boyfriend is high. 47:31 My mom is, you know, checked out. 47:33 And I go in the house. And it's just the same. 47:36 It's dark. The blinds aren't open. 47:37 Nobody goes to my-- goes to bed at my house 47:40 at a decent hour and they sleep in the day. 47:42 And I mean, it's just like you walk in 47:43 and you walk in to all of that and I realized 47:45 that it was just the wrong thing to do. 47:47 And I am a hundred pounds, I'm strung out, 47:49 I can barely read and somebody says, 47:52 "Wow, good to see you. How are you?" 47:56 And what do you say when somebody says that? 47:59 Good. I'm like I am inside 48:02 "just come back from vacation in San Francisco." 48:04 You know what I mean? It's just like-- 48:05 I'm not sure why-- I mean I have teeth missing, 48:07 I look terrible, I'm strung out, I mean, 48:09 there's nothing good about anything. 48:10 And I wanted to jump in front of a train, 48:12 and I am just saying "good" and, you know, 48:15 my dad's watching a football game 48:17 and you know, smoking some weed. 48:20 And everybody is just, you know, 48:22 and I'm thinking what am I doing here? 48:24 And I stayed for a little while and then thought, 48:25 you know, I just gotta go. 48:27 And I got up to leave and mom said, 48:28 "Oh, I went back to school since last time I saw you." 48:32 And I said, "Are you kidding me? 48:34 You went back to school?" 48:35 You know, my mom's been through a lot with my dad 48:38 and my step dad and with us and, 48:40 you know, she is been checked out, 48:42 but she went back to school. 48:43 You know, and I'm just--that's so cool. 48:46 And so I said, "You know, 48:48 what are you taking in school?" 48:50 And she said, "Social work." 48:54 And I had to blow her head off. 48:55 No, you know, everything in me, 48:57 I thought "if I had a gun 48:59 you would not have survived that statement." 49:01 What do you mean you are taking social work? 49:04 You've never touched. You've never said you love me. 49:06 You've-- our family is a mess, 49:08 what are you gonna teach somebody else 49:09 how to have a normal family? 49:11 Are you kidding me? Raise your hand 49:12 if you're a social worker and should not be, you know? 49:16 You know, what I mean. 49:17 She puts her hand down real fast. 49:19 So--but, you know what, 49:21 I am thinking, "Are you kidding me?" 49:23 She could've said anything else. 49:24 She could've said anything else, 49:26 and I wouldn't have been-- I was stunned. I was stunned. 49:29 I thought you know what, I can barely breathe. 49:31 It feels like if somebody sucking 49:33 all the oxygen away from my environment. 49:34 And I don't know if I'm gonna survive today. 49:37 And I just want you to tell me that you love me. 49:40 And I don't get this social work thing. 49:42 I don't get it. And I remembered all I said was "wow, 49:45 good luck with that" you know. 49:48 And she went into the room. 49:49 And she got me this envelope. 49:51 And she brought it out and she said here and I took it. 49:55 And I went back to the drug house that I live in. 49:57 And I remember thinking that I am just done. 50:00 I walked in the house. There was a naked guy 50:04 high on cannabis and all hallucinating, 50:05 playing air guitar in the living room. 50:07 And I remember thinking I am in no mood, 50:09 but when you live in a drug house, 50:11 she can't say who is there. 50:12 I mean, you can walk in and whoever is there, is there. 50:14 I mean and so I'm walking in. 50:15 I walked in the bathroom, 50:17 the heroin addicts tend to throw up, 50:18 I mean, they shoot off some times 50:22 and so somebody had thrown up in the bathroom, 50:23 and unless you have a meth addict, it stays there. 50:27 So--but it's like, you know, being able to-- 50:30 I went into the bathroom and it was a mess 50:32 and I went into my room 50:33 and I'm looking for something to kill myself with. 50:35 And I remember just desperately looking for something, anything. 50:38 And I saw that envelope on the bed that I'd thrown in 50:41 when I walked in the room and I picked it up. 50:43 And I wanted to rip it up into a billion pieces. 50:45 And I remembered literally wanted to rip it up. 50:48 And that was the first time I felt the presence of God. 50:50 And I don't know who in the room has felt that, 50:53 and who hasn't but that was the first time 50:54 I had ever felt that. And when I picked it up, 50:56 I just felt this overwhelming sense of being safe 51:00 for the first time in my life. 51:02 I thought this overwhelming sense of being loved 51:04 for the first time in my life. 51:06 And I just was stunned. I knew it was God even though 51:10 I didn't have any background of that. 51:12 And I remember just standing there. 51:13 And I felt like the Holy Spirit said to me not in a voice 51:16 but just impress me to open up the envelope 51:20 and read what was in there. 51:22 And I opened up the envelope. 51:24 There were some papers. 51:25 There was a--my mom got an "A" on the papers 51:28 that was what she wrote in the social work-- 51:30 in her social work program. 51:32 And she got an "A", underneath the "A", 51:34 the instructor said, "Please give this to Cheri." 51:37 And I just got through this the best I could. 51:39 I was a fairly illiterate. But I got through the best 51:41 I could and that was my mom's life story. 51:44 My mom was molested as a little girl. 51:46 She was given up by her mom when she was five years old. 51:49 She was given to an aunt, 51:51 molested by an uncle when she was 12. 51:53 Her mom then came back and got her, 51:55 moved her to the United States. 51:57 She met my dad, ended up with the pregnancies 51:59 and all that stuff that I had told you about. 52:01 And then I get to the third page, 52:03 and at that time I had this overwhelming sense 52:06 that I wanted to tell my mom, 52:08 "I wish you would have told me, 52:09 because I would have just told you I love you and that's okay." 52:12 But I get to the third page 52:14 and on the top of the third page it just said, 52:16 "The only reason I survived any of this is, 52:18 I took my anger and hatred out on my second child 52:20 and I ruined her life." And it just--I was stunned. 52:24 For the first time in my life, 52:25 it felt like somebody said out loud, 52:28 the truth, 'cause I always-- "what was it? 52:30 What is it? What happened?" 52:32 And I always had those questions, 52:34 but now I'm reading it and that made sense 52:36 and I heard God say that "this was never about you. 52:39 And if you trust me, I could change your life." 52:43 And I remember thinking, "no way. 52:46 I am strung out. I have no skills. 52:49 I have no value to anyone." 52:51 And I didn't, no value at all. 52:54 And I remember just sitting there, 52:55 just wanting to weep. 52:57 There's no way that you could make any difference. 52:59 And I just got--and I don't know how God does this 53:02 when He shows you something, 53:04 you see everything but you see nothing. 53:06 I mean, how does the Holy Spirit do that? 53:07 I don't even know. But what I felt like He showed me, 53:10 is who I am in His eyes, right? 53:14 Has anybody ever thought of that? 53:15 When God looks at you, who are you? 53:18 What He said to me, what I believe, 53:20 is that He's known me forever, 53:22 from the foundations of the world. 53:23 Long before I was-- He's known me forever. 53:25 I mean, God knows us. 53:28 And He knows us the day after resurrection. 53:31 And I think He showed me 53:32 who I am the day after resurrection. 53:34 And He said stop to finding yourself right now. 53:37 Stop to finding yourself because all these stuff-- 53:39 and I remember just been really, really 53:43 overwhelmed by the fact that what He showed me, 53:47 and I got a little sense of that. 53:49 But what He showed me was beautiful 53:51 and innocent and not, you know, 53:53 not so trashed with all this stuff. 53:55 And I remember thinking that if you could do that, 53:58 I would do--I'd do whatever, you know. 54:00 And I just sat there and cried 54:02 and eventually stood up and thought, 54:04 you know, I am going to step into recovery. 54:08 I had to get God out of drug house. 54:09 I don't know about you, but I realized that this was God. 54:12 And there was a naked guy 54:14 in the living room playing air guitar. 54:15 And this is no place for God to be, you know? 54:18 So I tried to, you know, let's just say God, 54:21 you know, let's just go out the window here. 54:23 So you don't have to go through the living room. 54:25 And I remember just having this ridiculous 54:27 thought about that, but now I do international ministry 54:32 and God does His best work with naked guys high on drugs. 54:35 And I don't know why, He is a genius at it. 54:37 I mean, He really can come into the life of people 54:39 that are so far removed from anything 54:42 that you would never think, 54:43 that they could even get their life back, 54:45 and God goes in there and changes everything. 54:48 And I think that what He did for me was, 54:50 He stepped into my life and changed everything. 54:53 And, you know, this week we're gonna be talking about, 54:56 you know, different things and that whole journey 54:59 and what I have learned about recovery 55:02 and addiction and all that kind of stuff. 55:04 And I hope you come to the meetings, 55:05 but what I want to say tonight 55:07 is I am so overwhelmed by God as my recovery partner. 55:14 You know what I mean, is that every single thing 55:17 that I needed, He provided. 55:18 Every single step that I made, 55:21 He opened up a way for me to get the skill 55:23 I needed to take the next step. 55:24 Every single time I was so afraid 55:26 that I wouldn't make that through the day, 55:28 He helped me make it through the day. 55:30 Every single time that I didn't fit in anywhere, 55:33 He showed me that I fit in with Him. 55:35 And that was such an incredible journey 55:37 or it is such an incredible journey 55:38 that if you are struggling with any kind of addictions here 55:41 tonight, please let's hang out and talk 55:44 sometime during this weekend. 55:46 But know that God is just so good at what He does. 55:50 If you are a church member and haven't struggled a lot 55:52 with addictions and those kind of things, 55:54 please know that you are the light of the world. 55:58 And I am gonna tell you tomorrow 55:59 about the vegan vegetarian that I met that made 56:03 this next journey even possible. 56:11 I wanna just say for people that are viewing this program 56:15 that are not here with us that I know 56:19 that some folks are out there that you don't think 56:21 that you're gonna be able to stand up, 56:23 but let God show you who you are. 56:25 Let God show you who He is. 56:27 Let God introduce you to recovery in a way 56:30 that will give you some hope. 56:32 And I really think like any of the 12 step programs, 56:35 any of that kind of stuff, is that the first step is to, 56:38 you know, just look at how messed up you are, 56:41 messed up things are. 56:42 But then step into the fact that God is God 56:45 and can restore us to sanity. 56:46 And I love the fact, just like the demoniac-- 56:51 does anybody know about the demoniac in the Bible? 56:53 Just like the demoniac, is that He can meet us. 56:55 We are filled with a thousand different addictions, 56:58 we are filled with a thousand different things, 57:00 I didn't know what it even felt like to be safe in my own skin 57:03 or to be able to step out and just take a breath. 57:06 And God said, "I'm gonna teach you all of those things." 57:09 And He was faithful at that. He actually did that. |
Revised 2014-12-17