3ABN On the Road

Miracle From The Streets

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Cheri Peters

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Series Code: OTR

Program Code: OTR001019


00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior.
00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material
00:07 may be too candid for younger children.
01:11 I just want to say, I am so glad to be here.
01:15 I get a little bit nervous when I present,
01:18 just because I feel like- I wish I had a story
01:23 that was-like I wish I could come out
01:25 and say, "You know what?
01:27 I trained for the Olympics.
01:28 It was really tough, you know?
01:30 But I won", you know.
01:31 Do you know what I mean?
01:33 And I wish it was clean and nice
01:34 and all that kind of stuff, but it isn't.
01:37 And so for people-some of the stuff I think,
01:39 that is gonna be a little difficult to hear,
01:43 but I just want you to know, that I know that.
01:46 But I also want you to know that, you know,
01:49 I am so grateful to be on this side of the journey.
01:51 I am so grateful to be done with that.
01:54 But I'm just gonna start with-in 1979,
01:57 I've been in recovery for a long time, but in 1979,
02:01 I came into a church and I-it was just ridiculous.
02:04 I came in like woo-hoo! I had just met God.
02:07 How cool is that.
02:09 You know, and I'm a heroin addict, and I'm strung out.
02:12 And I-I don't even know really,
02:14 how to complete a sentence without cussing, you know,
02:17 and-but I come into a church that is very conservative.
02:19 And I walk in and I want to sit on your lap
02:22 because I'm so happy, you know?
02:24 People are like going, you know, can you just, you know,
02:28 just you kind of relax- and so I was-immediately
02:33 kind of realized that, that maybe I was a little bit
02:38 too-let me just say what I looked like.
02:44 I had a dress that was shorter than my hands,
02:47 like you know what I mean?
02:49 It was just this cute little short thing.
02:51 I had a little outfit top that was tight.
02:54 I had jewelry on everywhere
02:56 because I wanted to impress everybody.
02:57 So I had jewelry on everywhere,
02:59 because I wanted you to think I was somebody.
03:01 I came into a church that didn't have any jewelry on at all.
03:05 I wanted to loan my stuff out.
03:07 You know, I thought "are you just poor?"
03:08 You know what I mean?
03:10 I just like- and I couldn't figure it out.
03:11 And you know, in potluck I'm bringing a pork-roast,
03:14 and I'm sitting in the middle of the table
03:15 and I'm not realizing that, you know,
03:17 I just didn't know anything.
03:18 And everything I did was kind of a mess.
03:20 And at one point I remember thinking
03:23 that I just can't do this.
03:27 I tried to be normal, isn't it?
03:29 Raise your hand if you ever tried to be normal
03:31 and you're not. Amen.
03:33 I'm glad you're here.
03:34 You know, I just tried to be normal.
03:36 And I came in, and in the time that I came in-
03:41 and if you had this dress, just raise your hand.
03:44 The dress was, everybody had it in that church
03:48 I came into, was kind of a paisley dress
03:50 with lace collars about this.
03:53 You know, some of you had it, didn't you?
03:55 And so I thought, if I'm gonna be normal,
03:57 I'm gonna get one of those dresses.
03:59 And so I got one in every color.
04:01 You know what I mean?
04:02 And I came in and I sat down and I tried to be normal
04:05 and the whole time I'm thinking,
04:06 "Who would wear this?" you know.
04:08 And so you know, one thing led to another and I leave
04:12 for a while and I mean I was so-by the time
04:15 I left and I'm just a mess and I'm offended now.
04:18 And I leave.
04:19 Anybody ever leave a church because they got offended?
04:24 Oh, only a couple of-okay, good.
04:26 There's a couple of people. So I got offended, I left.
04:28 And then I remember, at one point and God
04:32 said, I want you to go back.
04:35 And I'm like "shut up, I am not going back".
04:38 I am not going back.
04:40 I don't know how to act.
04:41 I don't know how to sit.
04:43 I don't know how to do potluck.
04:44 I don't know how to be normal.
04:45 I don't know- I'm not going back.
04:47 And He's like "you're going back. " I'm not.
04:51 You know, and I just remember having this argument.
04:54 I don't feel-you know I just, you know,
04:57 and finally I listened.
05:01 And He said, "I want you to go back. "
05:02 And so I said, "Okay. "
05:04 And I want to use somebody as an example.
05:07 Let me see.
05:08 Can I use you as an example?
05:10 Yeah, come on up, come on up.
05:11 It's going to be cool.
05:14 So are you a pastor?
05:17 Pretend you are.
05:20 So I have this huge argument with God.
05:23 Oh, yeah, he's not gonna say anything.
05:26 I don't let pastors talk much. Okay?
05:30 So I end up listening to God.
05:34 And He's like "I want you to go back. "
05:36 And it's almost like He's telling me
05:37 "I want you to stop being a baby".
05:39 And you know, I'd left and I relapsed
05:41 and I got into all kinds of trouble
05:42 and so I want you to get back into a safer place.
05:45 And so I went back and it's almost like
05:46 I wanted to go to the pastor and say,
05:48 "I'm gonna tell you everything I ever did.
05:50 I am not gonna pretend anymore.
05:52 This is who I am. "
05:54 And the pastor is like, okay, you know.
05:56 No, no, not okay.
05:58 I'm gonna tell you everything that my mom ever did.
05:59 I'm gonna tell you everything that my grandmother ever did.
06:02 And I remember just being impasse.
06:04 And he was just so yeah, yeah, okay.
06:07 And I told him for the next
06:08 two and half hours, just everything.
06:10 And at the end of my talk,
06:12 I thought you know what-even if you gonna
06:14 let me in your church, you gotta let me in.
06:16 And I can't hide anymore.
06:17 I can't do this anymore.
06:18 And I'm at the end of my talk,
06:20 he just with tears in his eyes said "I would be honored
06:22 to have you in the building".
06:24 And I thought, man.
06:25 I just even thank you for letting me
06:27 grab your shirt, now that's it.
06:30 It's okay. So I remember coming back
06:31 in and finally deciding for the first time in my life,
06:36 that I'm not gonna hide.
06:38 And I don't know about you,
06:39 but that's the first step of recovery.
06:41 I can't hide who I am anymore.
06:42 I can't pretend that I'm somebody that I'm not.
06:45 I can't- I just can't do that anymore.
06:47 So this story I'm gonna tell you
06:48 is just that I'm done hiding.
06:49 And I'm done hiding for a lot of reasons,
06:51 because it was killing me,
06:52 because I couldn't do recovery that way.
06:54 And I don't think that it's what even God asked me to do.
06:59 I was born into a-just a family that's just a mess.
07:03 Raise your hand if you know what I'm talking about.
07:06 You know what-and I love when people raise their hand
07:09 because you guys look so normal.
07:11 I'm like "oh, thank you that you are here", you know.
07:13 So I was born in a family that was really a mess.
07:15 And I always like to, kind of try to figure out
07:17 a way to tell the story, but I-you know,
07:20 my mom's boyfriend and I love him, we always call him dad,
07:25 but my mom's boyfriend, his favorite thing is like,
07:28 he would just-if you walked into my parents house,
07:31 he would be like "do you want some of this?"
07:34 And you're thinking
07:35 "did he just offered me some pot?"
07:37 you know, it's like, you know.
07:38 So he loves to smoke weed and drink and you know,
07:42 he's 6'1" at less than a hundred pounds,
07:45 I don't know what that is for you guys, like you know,
07:48 I mean skinny, skinny.
07:50 The only thing big on him is a little bit of his liver.
07:53 And most people don't think we can get that skinny,
07:56 but some of us know we can in our addiction.
07:59 So anyhow so, anyhow he smokes weed, he drinks.
08:01 His favorite thing to do is get high in barbeque
08:04 because he likes to eat.
08:05 Don't raise your hand if you're like that.
08:07 So-but anyhow, so one day he's going out
08:10 and he's going to a barbeque
08:11 and he's gonna just make something.
08:13 He's got emphysema so bad that he can't walk
08:16 from here to down to there, because he just-
08:19 he has to catch his breath.
08:20 One time I said, "he should get oxygen. "
08:22 You know, "you should get oxygen tank cause it would help you. "
08:25 And he said, "Oh, that wouldn't be cool. "
08:28 And I'm-neither does not being able to breathe.
08:30 You know what I mean?
08:32 It's like, you know, but anyhow, so it's like, you know,
08:33 that was just- he's just like that.
08:35 So he lights the grill,
08:36 he's outside, he lights the grill.
08:38 And it takes the oxygen away from his face just briefly,
08:41 but enough that it knocks him out.
08:42 He can't catch his breath.
08:44 He passes out, falls on the ground, hits his head,
08:46 and knocks himself out.
08:48 So when he comes to, he says,
08:51 "Uh, maybe I'm a little bit too high to barbeque. "
08:55 Because he's real bright in that way.
08:57 So he ends up just going to bed.
08:59 That's a big deal in our family, because for some addicts,
09:02 you have to use every few hours
09:04 else you start to have withdraws.
09:06 You start to have tremors.
09:07 You start to be, I mean-and my dad was that kind of alcoholic.
09:11 Every two hours, he had to drink.
09:13 If you had to if- hen he was working,
09:14 he had to set his alarm before he got up for work,
09:17 like a few hours before he got up for work
09:18 so he could drink.
09:20 And then get up and then go to work
09:21 as he couldn't brush his teeth.
09:24 And, you know, and I'm serious.
09:25 Don't raise your hand if you know
09:27 what I'm talking about and that was those kind of addictions,
09:29 but he's seriously in trouble.
09:32 So anyhow so he's in bed.
09:36 And my mom, they don't-you guys
09:40 don't care, you want to know why they - they don't
09:42 sleep together anymore.
09:43 Do you want to know why?
09:45 Let's pass that.
09:47 Okay, so anyhow, so my mom has her own room.
09:50 My dad has his own room.
09:52 And my mom finally realizes
09:55 that he hasn't been up at all throughout the night, right?
09:58 He hasn't been up, that's not good.
10:00 He's always up because you always see him drinking
10:02 and all that kind of stuff.
10:03 And so she knows that he hasn't been up.
10:05 So she's like okay, she goes in there.
10:07 She goes in there and shakes him.
10:09 And when she shakes him, it's like,
10:11 he's like- he's like a rag doll.
10:13 And she's like, starts to scream at him, you know.
10:17 "Get up", you know.
10:18 "I knew that one day, I would come in
10:20 here and you would be dead and I would have to be dealing
10:22 with this and get up. "
10:23 This is not and she just-she just is angry
10:26 and she is panicky, and she's trying to get him up
10:28 and he can't move at all.
10:30 She's like "he's dead," you know?
10:32 And so my sister comes in and tell me what drug this is.
10:38 "What's wrong?
10:41 You know what, what are you doing-what's, get up".
10:45 And so she's a total meth addict,
10:47 has been doing meth for years, can't keep her body still,
10:50 is always like shaking and itching.
10:52 Any meth addicts in the group,
10:54 anybody know any meth addicts? Okay.
10:56 So I mean, she is just out to lunch, so she's screaming.
10:59 And they're both screaming at him.
11:01 And they're both panicky,
11:02 really, and trying to figure out what's going on.
11:04 My dad tells his point of view,
11:07 as he's lying there, screaming in his head,
11:11 "I'm not dead! I'm not dead, I am not dead!"
11:14 And he said he's trying to do everything
11:17 that he saw in every movie.
11:18 He's trying to blink his eyes, you know.
11:20 He's trying to move his toes.
11:23 He's trying to wiggle something, you know,
11:25 and they're yelling.
11:26 He knows that they think he's dead, and he's not dead,
11:28 I am not dead, you know.
11:30 So then they call an ambulance like four hours later, you know?
11:34 And someone like told me that and I said,
11:37 "Why did you wait so long?"
11:38 "Well, you know how your dad is. "
11:40 No, not when he's dead, you know?
11:42 And so-so now they call the ambulance,
11:44 they get the ambulance over.
11:46 So some guys in lab coats come in.
11:50 I don't know if anybody knows how delirious alcoholics
11:52 can get in the recovery.
11:54 I mean in the-withdrawal stuff?
11:55 They can hallucinate, they can get real delirious.
11:58 He thinks they're aliens, going to abduct him.
12:01 And he can't wiggle his toes, right?
12:03 So he's trying to do anything.
12:05 And he's feeling like okay, now he's being experimented on.
12:08 Who knows what they do when they take you in those ships,
12:11 you know what I mean?
12:13 You've all heard stories, you know.
12:14 So he goes to all of these crazy places.
12:17 They get him to the hospital.
12:18 Please answer this honestly,
12:20 when they get him to the hospital,
12:21 does anybody tell the doctors or nurses
12:23 that he is a severe alcoholic?
12:26 No, why not?
12:28 You don't tell family business, right?
12:31 I mean for most dysfunctional families,
12:34 we don't tell anybody anything.
12:35 So he gets to the hospital.
12:36 Nobody says he is a severe alcoholic.
12:38 This is a big deal. You need to treat him.
12:40 You need to do all that kind of stuff.
12:41 So it took the nursing stuff a while to start treating him.
12:46 But anyhow, in the mean time,
12:48 I get a call, "I think he's gonna die.
12:52 If you want to see him before he dies,
12:54 you need to come down. "
12:56 And I love my family.
12:59 They are a mess.
13:00 I have a sister that is a stripper
13:02 and has a porn side.
13:04 I have another sister that's a meth addict.
13:06 You know, brothers, uncles, grandparents are alcoholics.
13:09 I mean, we have addictions that just run through our family.
13:12 I had an uncle one time that was really
13:14 so yellow that I asked him.
13:16 I am like eight years old, and I asked him,
13:17 "Why are you so yellow?"
13:19 And he said that his mama was a duck.
13:22 I'm like, as-even as a kid I knew
13:25 that there was something really wrong with that.
13:28 That's like-so it's like, you know,
13:30 we just have all of this stuff.
13:31 So now I'm in recovery and doing all this kind of stuff.
13:35 And I'm gonna fly in to see my mom's boyfriend and my dad.
13:39 I call him dad.
13:40 And I'm gonna fly in, and I get there.
13:44 And I come in, and I run in the house,
13:47 I hire a car at the airport, I run in the house-
13:50 and I think I'm just gonna go to my mom's house
13:53 and have her to take me to the hospital.
13:54 But I run in and my dad is sitting in a chair,
13:58 "Oh, what are you doing there?"
14:01 And I'm thinking, "What am I doing here?"
14:03 What are you doing here?
14:04 I mean, it did take me few days to get,
14:06 you know, playing, bearing all that kind of stuff,
14:08 but what are you doing here?
14:09 And he said man, and he tells me all about the hospital.
14:12 That he had his arteries in his neck
14:14 were blocked off almost totally, you know.
14:17 And does anybody know what those arteries do?
14:20 You know, they beat your brain.
14:22 You know, it's-I could have told him as a teenager
14:24 that those were totally blocked off, but you know,
14:27 so he-they had to open those arteries.
14:29 This kind of-they do this kind of thing
14:32 to open those arteries off
14:33 because they're all occluded, so he did that.
14:35 They worked on his alcoholism.
14:37 Finally, somebody worked on that, got him cleared.
14:40 What he was in the- when he knocked himself out,
14:44 he had a subdural hematoma, slow-bleeding
14:47 in his brain caused a paralysis, worked on that.
14:49 And so now he's sitting there.
14:51 And he's sitting there in this recliner
14:53 that he's had forever, you know.
14:56 He's been sitting there, I think for 45 years,
14:59 never been cleaned, shape of his body,
15:01 you know what I mean?
15:02 It has arms-the arms are pretty fluffy on both sides
15:05 and they open up and there's little compartments there?
15:08 Has anybody seen recliners like that?
15:10 What do you think is in his compartments?
15:12 Every kind of paraphernalia you need.
15:15 He's got roach clips, matches, lighters,
15:17 you know, papers of that time.
15:18 I don't know if you still use papers because I am clean.
15:21 But so anyhow, so he's got all that kind of stuff.
15:23 And the other side of the chair of those compartments,
15:26 he's got catnip for our cats,
15:28 because our cats are even stoned.
15:30 Do you know what I mean?
15:31 And I'm serious, so he's sitting there.
15:32 He's happy as can be.
15:34 And I'm trying to-you know, he's telling me all the story
15:37 about what he went through.
15:38 And he's drinking some beer, smoking some weed
15:40 and he's just sitting there and the same thing,
15:42 and I'm thinking, "Are you kidding me?
15:44 If that happened to me, I would be slamming carrot juice.
15:46 I would be doing something.
15:48 And he looked at me like,
15:49 "Hon, you can't worry about every little thing. "
15:52 And I'm like really?
15:54 And you know, to me that is my family.
15:56 They are delightful, but they are strung out.
16:02 Well, delightful in some ways that addicts can be delightful.
16:06 So anyhow I'm gonna tell you a little bit. He ends up.
16:08 He starts to smile and I'll tell you just the rest of the story.
16:12 He starts to smile and he's really happy about something.
16:15 And I said, "You know what?
16:16 What are you so happy about?"
16:18 He is like, "Oh, nothing. "
16:19 Then I'm like "come on. "
16:21 He's just smiling, huge smile.
16:22 And then I said, "What is it?
16:23 Come on. " And he is like "nothing. "
16:25 And I was like "what?"
16:26 Then he picks up a bottle of like
16:28 Percodan or Oxycodone.
16:30 "Look what they gave me at the hospital. "
16:33 And he's like so happy.
16:34 Then I'm thinking, you know, just crazy.
16:37 But anyhow, so my- I was born in that family.
16:40 My mom was probably- she was in her early teens
16:43 when she had me. I was her second child.
16:46 She had my sister.
16:47 My dad was like 15, got her pregnant in high school.
16:52 He was already drinking in high school.
16:53 Raise your hand if you started drinking in high school.
16:56 So a lot of people, you know, you are drinking
16:58 at a really early age, all that kind of stuff.
17:00 So he started drinking in high school, got my mom pregnant.
17:04 They decided to get together as a couple.
17:06 He quit his-he quit high school, dropped out, got a job,
17:09 couldn't keep the job because he was drinking.
17:11 And he had authority issues and all that kind of stuff.
17:13 My mom has her first baby and she really believed,
17:16 I think, that once she had her first baby,
17:18 they would be- it would be amazing.
17:20 You know, they would just be in love
17:23 and everything would work out and all that kind of stuff.
17:24 My dad started to beat her pretty early.
17:27 He would literally grab the back of her head
17:29 and slam her face into things, like you know,
17:31 "don't mouth off to me or touch me. "
17:33 Don't raise your hand if you are like that guy.
17:35 But if you are that guy, recovery is amazing.
17:37 But anyhow, he would do that kind of stuff.
17:40 If she said anything, and he felt disrespected,
17:42 she would get, you know,
17:45 he liked to slam her face into things.
17:47 I'm not sure why that was his thing.
17:49 But anyhow, when my sister was two months old,
17:52 my mom found out that she was pregnant again.
17:55 And she just couldn't do it again.
17:57 "I'm not doing this again. "
17:58 And so she tried to self-abort.
17:59 She tried to take pills, she tried to overdose.
18:02 She tried to get in hot water.
18:04 Somebody told her, "if you can get into really hot water,
18:06 you can miscarriage, try that. "
18:08 Somebody even told her that, that if you could break the sack
18:10 that the baby's in, if you could puncture that,
18:12 then you can miscarriage.
18:13 She tried that- ust kind of cut herself up.
18:15 And so my mom tried a number of things to miscarriage.
18:19 When she went to the hospital
18:21 to have me, she was angry and depressed
18:23 and it was- she was just done.
18:26 And I don't think she knew
18:28 what she was gonna do- she ended up having me.
18:30 And they were even trying to get her to sign
18:32 the birth certificate, and she was like
18:35 "I can't," you know.
18:37 And so when she took me home, she just went into depression.
18:41 She gave the kid over to my dad,
18:43 for me, and he started interfering with us,
18:48 or molesting with us, molesting us very early.
18:53 He was caught the first time
18:54 with me when I was three months old.
18:56 I don't know what it feels like to be in a normal family.
18:59 Do you know what I mean?
19:01 I don't know what any of that feels like.
19:02 Lots of addictions, lots of crazy stuff.
19:04 My mom got more and more depressed.
19:06 She had one child after another she had five kids
19:08 before she was in her early 20s.
19:10 So I mean, it was-she was just lost in that, got more and more
19:15 into kind of withdrawing, weeding, taking drugs,
19:21 either prescription or drugs
19:24 to just kind of disappear with that.
19:26 My dad got more and more crazy into his drinking
19:28 and eventually they just they ended up kicking him out.
19:34 And at that point, my mom moved a bartender in.
19:38 How cool is that.
19:40 He was so fun.
19:42 I'm just-I don't know if you ever lived
19:44 with a bartender, but they come home,
19:46 they're still ready to party.
19:47 You know, they get home at two in the morning.
19:49 They're wakening you up and you know, come on.,
19:52 and he was so fun.
19:54 He brought a piano in. He was a jazz singer.
19:56 And you know, I even love, I-this,
19:58 you know, he would- I just love him.
20:00 Just, he was just fun.
20:01 And he would do things like- probably the fondest memory
20:08 that I have is, he taught us to stick pizza up
20:11 our nose and shoot them at each other.
20:15 It was just so fun. Have you ever done that?
20:20 But you know, it was and I could hit you from here.
20:23 Do you know what I mean?
20:25 And the only time you don't want to do
20:26 that is that somebody had a cold, you like, phew.
20:29 I'm not playing with you, that is not fair.
20:31 You know, and he was just like, he would be coming
20:35 from working he would just had drank and you know,
20:38 been high and you know, wanted to do something,
20:40 waken us up, we would dance around the room,
20:43 we'd jump over the tables.
20:45 We would wad up hamburger meat and stick
20:47 them on the ceiling, and see if they fell on someone.
20:50 I mean we just had the best time.
20:52 And, as a kid I had no idea that was dysfunctional.
20:56 Wouldn't that be fun, Anna?
20:58 So you know, just as a kid, it's just a blast
21:00 and so- but with alcoholics,
21:04 it's like if they are high and happy,
21:06 everything is really good, and then they crash.
21:08 So it was like this kind of thing.
21:10 I learned right away, not to live in
21:12 my environment, just to control it.
21:13 Do you know what I mean?
21:15 Because you know, there is just a lot of stuff.
21:19 My mom again, she would get more and more intense,
21:22 like, if I even tried to touch my mom or hold her,
21:26 sit next to her, it was like I knew
21:28 that something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was.
21:31 She would say something like
21:32 "why do you have to hang all over me?
21:33 Why do you always need attention?"
21:35 And I remember always needing attention.
21:38 I wanted her to touch me.
21:40 I wanted her to just say she loved me.
21:41 I wanted to be able to sit next to her just once.
21:45 And I remember just longing
21:46 to- my mom is very-just beautiful and smart.
21:50 And I just wanted just to say "I love you. "
21:54 And I just couldn't.
21:55 She just- I couldn't.
21:57 And I would stand in front of the mirror as a little kid,
21:59 and just stand there and try to be funnier or cuter
22:02 or whatever and then come out and try to get her attention.
22:04 With my step-dad I could get his attention
22:06 or my mom's boyfriend.
22:08 And he was fine if he was high,
22:10 but when he wasn't- I mean, you know,
22:11 it's just a crazy kind of thing.
22:13 And I had-my grandmother would have,
22:19 you know, us over and like for holidays and stuff.
22:21 And there was an aunt that I had that was just amazing.
22:25 She was bipolar.
22:26 Is anybody bipolar?
22:28 Do you know anybody that's bipolar?
22:30 Okay, so I always have to ask that, do you have a friend?
22:33 It's like, but anyhow so I have an aunt that was bipolar.
22:37 And she was amazing.
22:38 She was funny.
22:40 You know, because she got mannequins
22:42 and she was all that kind of stuff.
22:43 And one time when I was really little she came up
22:45 and she just grabbed my face and she said,
22:48 "You are so beautiful. "
22:50 And I just started crying.
22:52 And when I-literally just weeping, you know?
22:55 And she just picked me up
22:56 and I know that at that moment she knew
22:59 that I was just this abused little kid
23:01 and she picked me up and she held me and laughed with me.
23:04 And you know, she from moment on,
23:07 every Christmas when I saw her, she loved me.
23:10 And it was just the coolest thing.
23:11 I think she helped me survive, in my-throughout my life.
23:17 But anyhow so she would every Christmas
23:20 kind of tell me a joke.
23:22 And I survived this for this joke-I survived with this joke,
23:27 through many, I think, many years.
23:30 But anyhow, I'm gonna tell you the joke.
23:32 You need to just say- when I say anything,
23:34 just say pisu, okay?
23:36 So what'd you have for breakfast?
23:38 Pisu. What did you have for lunch?
23:40 Pisu. What did you have for dinner?
23:45 Pisu. What did you do all night?
23:49 Pisu. You know, she was-I just thought she was funny.
23:51 And she would tell me that joke every time
23:52 I saw her. When I was real little,
23:54 I thought that was the funniest joke ever.
23:55 And then was a little bit- later I thought,
23:57 oh, that's kind of dumb, isn't it?
23:59 But I mean, I always laugh.
24:00 And when I was about eight years old,
24:04 I went over to my grandmother's house expecting to see her.
24:07 And I came in, and I couldn't see her car.
24:11 I asked my mom where she's at, and mom said that your aunt
24:14 is dead, and I don't want you to cry
24:15 because you're gonna upset your grandmother.
24:18 And I remember thinking, just in that moment,
24:20 I was thinking that if she was dead,
24:21 she would have taken me with her.
24:23 Because she was really what helped me survive,
24:25 especially the early stuff.
24:27 And I didn't know what dead was,
24:28 but I had that sense that I wouldn't see her again.
24:31 And I just started crying.
24:33 And I want you to just think about this, because I think,
24:36 when I grew up, I thought that my mom
24:39 was so cruel for saying that to me.
24:41 But I think that during that day and age,
24:43 that when somebody committed suicide,
24:45 which my aunt had committed suicide,
24:47 nobody ever talked about that stuff.
24:49 So it was just that nobody talked about that.
24:51 And to come in and for me to cry, my grandmother
24:53 would have went into the whole thing again.
24:55 But anyhow, she just said to stay outside
24:57 until I could get it together.
24:59 And I did, I stayed outside,
25:00 I cried. I couldn't figure out how to get it together.
25:03 I couldn't think about how I'm gonna survive
25:05 without her, any of that stuff.
25:07 And then the clouds kinda parted,
25:09 sun kind of filtered through the clouds,
25:11 and I just heard in my head, not anybody's voice,
25:14 but I heard in my head "what did you have for breakfast?"
25:17 And I thought, I'm gonna somehow survive.
25:20 And I went in the house, we did Christmas.
25:23 I went home and I thought, you know, I'm gonna-
25:26 I think I'm just gonna kill myself.
25:28 And how old was I?
25:31 Eight, I couldn't figure it out how to do it.
25:33 You know because, you know, I was little.
25:35 And I ended up to thinking, I'm just gonna climb up
25:38 on a building and jump off.
25:40 And so I figured out where I'm gonna climb up,
25:42 where I am gonna jump off.
25:43 We had an asphalt driveway.
25:45 And so I'm just gonna jump off onto that driveway.
25:47 And it took me forever to climb up
25:49 and I got over there and leaped off.
25:52 I had put a mattress down before I went up, you know.
25:58 Because I wanted to die,
25:59 but I didn't want to get injured in anyway, you know.
26:03 And I landed on this mattress, it was just ridiculous.
26:06 And ended up injuring my leg, finding out
26:10 that with this injury- there was an underlying disease.
26:14 They put me in braces and crutches with this disease.
26:17 It was called Legg Perthes Disease,
26:19 but it was aggravated with this jump.
26:21 And so I ended up now in braces and crutches
26:24 and orthopedic shoes.
26:27 Is there anybody who got teased in school?
26:30 Do you think I was teased
26:31 when I went back to school with braces,
26:33 crutches and orthopedic shoes?
26:34 Nobody even saw me before then.
26:36 And now I'm walking down the hallway
26:37 and people are tripping me.
26:39 And I'm thinking great, you know?
26:41 And I ended up- it was really interesting
26:43 'cause my mom had to start taking me to the hospital
26:46 for physical therapy, three times a week
26:48 because of the Perthes disease.
26:50 I started to get teased at school.
26:52 But I'm spending time with my mom.
26:54 And I really believe that spending time with my mom,
26:56 that she would finally love me for the first time.
26:59 She would spend time with me. She would love me.
27:01 She has to take me to physical therapy.
27:03 Has to do this and I thought
27:06 that, that was just an incredible thing.
27:08 When I went to school and got teased,
27:10 it was a little bit more difficult.
27:11 But what I did at school is, I ended up trying to figure out
27:16 how I'm gonna get-let's say you guys are my classmates.
27:20 How am I gonna get not teased,
27:22 and how am I gonna get accepted with these braces,
27:24 crutches and orthopedic shoes?
27:26 So I saw-I was looking at the hallway one day,
27:28 and I'm looking down the hallway and I'm thinking,
27:31 "I got it. " I'm gonna run with this brace.
27:36 There's a rubber ball in the bottom
27:37 of the brace to keep you from slipping.
27:39 I'm gonna hit the crutches,
27:41 I'm gonna pull over myself as far forward
27:43 as I can, and just land.
27:47 And I did. I did it like 20 feet, you know.
27:50 And some kids said, "Wow, I'd like to try that. "
27:54 And so I said, "How much money do you have?"
27:59 And so I started renting them out.
28:01 You know, I became very popular.
28:04 You know, I had a total hip replacement
28:06 not long ago because I didn't wear them, but you know,
28:08 I just- I worked it up.
28:10 So now my mom's taking me to the hospital,
28:11 I'm popular at school 'cause I'm renting out these things.
28:14 And everything started to turn around
28:15 in such an incredible way.
28:17 But what-my mom and her boyfriend
28:20 decided that it was too much work
28:23 for them to take care of all of the medical stuff.
28:25 And that they needed to send me to live somewhere else.
28:29 And I just- it just stunned me.
28:31 I have been trying to get you to love
28:33 me my whole life, it felt like.
28:36 And I can't get sent somewhere else.
28:38 If I get sent somewhere else,
28:39 I knew that she would forget me.
28:41 I knew that I would never be able to get her to love
28:44 me or get accepted.
28:45 And I just tried everything. I tried to bargain.
28:47 I'll be good. I'll do all the chores.
28:49 You know, I just tried to bargain
28:53 with her and she was just, you know,
28:55 "we need to send you away. "
28:57 And they sent me to Canada from California,
29:00 because my mom's Canadian,
29:02 but they send me to Canada to live
29:04 with an aunt who was 70 years old
29:07 or so diabetic, and Christian.
29:09 I didn't even know what that was.
29:11 And I get over to her house.
29:13 And she is just really trying to be nice to me,
29:17 but I'm thinking, you know, what if she does like me
29:21 and what if I do like her, I'll never get home.
29:23 Do you know what I mean?
29:25 And I don't know if that make sense to anybody,
29:26 but I'll never get home.
29:28 So I was horrible to her.
29:29 "You cannot keep me here.
29:32 I hate you. I'm not staying. "
29:34 And she's got my room setup.
29:36 And saying I could stay in that room all my life.
29:38 You could stay, go to college here.
29:40 And I'm just wanting to hit her. You can't keep me here.
29:43 That's kidnapping. Do you know what I mean?
29:45 And I'm just like I'm beside myself with what she was saying
29:48 and I was not pleasant at all.
29:52 She-one time, I was doing something and she said,
29:55 you know, let me see your teeth.
29:56 And I'm thinking,
29:58 "I'm not letting you see my teeth. "
30:00 And she literally pried my mouth open.
30:01 And I am trying to scream and shut my mouth as tight as I can.
30:04 And she's got her hands on my face pushing everything open.
30:07 And my teeth were just full of plaque and a mess.
30:10 And she was saying I just want to see that.
30:12 And we can get the plaque off your teeth
30:14 by brushing your teeth with baking soda.
30:17 And I remember thinking, at home,
30:18 I don't even have to brush my teeth, you know?
30:21 And I was serious.
30:22 I was just like, you know, I don't have-
30:24 and we had a one bedroom house.
30:26 We had child protective services
30:28 coming to our house because our house was a mess.
30:31 We were a mess.
30:32 You could stick to the bathroom floor
30:34 in my mom's house, it was filthy.
30:37 The tile was up.
30:38 I mean it's not that we lived in a neighborhood
30:40 where the houses were a mess, but our house was a mess.
30:43 I just wasn't used to- somebody's telling me
30:45 the sink busted in my mom's bathroom or in our bathroom.
30:50 And we brushed our teeth, if we brushed our teeth,
30:52 in the bathtub because we didn't have bathroom sink
30:54 for years, it seemed like.
30:56 You know, so I'm thinking that, you know,
30:57 I'm not brushing my teeth.
30:59 And she's like "you're brushing your teeth. "
31:01 And we had this huge fight.
31:03 And she just dragged me in the bathroom.
31:05 And when she was dragging me in the bathroom,
31:06 I was screaming my head off, Anna.
31:08 Screaming my head off.
31:10 And you know, every time I screamed,
31:11 do you know what she did?
31:12 Stuck the toothbrush in my mouth.
31:16 Every time I screamed, I would try to-it was like,
31:19 you know, she tried everything,
31:20 but after a while, even the school psychologist said,
31:23 "You need to send her home. " They sent me home.
31:26 I arrived. Everything- I thought everything
31:31 was gonna be fine and good or whatever.
31:34 My mom's boyfriend was trying to stop
31:37 his alcoholism, his drinking.
31:39 He was not in the best mood.
31:41 And I had broken a fence in the front yard
31:43 playing with some friends.
31:45 And he pulled up in the driveway at the same time.
31:47 And he just started screaming.
31:49 "You know what, the happiest times of our lives
31:50 was when you were gone and we do not want you back here. "
31:53 And I know now that he was just coming down.
31:57 I mean, addicts say the most horrible
31:59 thing to their kids at times.
32:01 But I didn't know that then.
32:03 I just knew that it's true.
32:05 And I'm not gonna convince
32:06 them that I'm okay and that they loved me
32:09 and all that kind of stuff and I remember just crying,
32:11 but for the first time in my life realizing,
32:13 that I am now 11 years old.
32:16 And I don't know where to go.
32:18 You know, if it's not here, where is it?
32:20 And somebody had said something to me,
32:23 about the reason people do drugs and alcohol,
32:25 is they don't want to think about their problems.
32:27 They don't want to deal with their problems.
32:29 And I remember thinking
32:31 that I gotta find some drugs and alcohol.
32:33 And I went out and found someone that would give drugs
32:36 and alcohol to an 11 year old child.
32:39 And I just, you know, I won't elaborate on that.
32:42 But I just want to say that people
32:45 that I found that would do that to an 11 year old child
32:47 were not the safest folks.
32:49 And the first time I did a drug, I did what's called Quaalude.
32:53 So like, I remember taking the drug
32:56 and I for a brief moment didn't care
32:59 whether you liked me or not.
33:01 Does anybody know what I am saying?
33:03 I could care less.
33:04 I finally didn't feel like killing myself.
33:06 I finally felt like, "you know what, I can get by.
33:08 And if you don't like me, so what?
33:10 Let's take it outside. "
33:11 I remember thinking for the first time,
33:13 I don't care if my mom likes me,
33:15 I don't care of anybody likes me or not.
33:16 If I can just take more of this,
33:17 if I could just stay high, I will be okay.
33:21 And I really felt like that.
33:22 It was like I finally found the solution to my problems.
33:26 The thing that was gonna help me survive.
33:29 And I ended up high for the next 10 years.
33:32 I was pregnant by the next year.
33:35 My parents kind of did the same thing
33:39 that my mom's parents did to her,
33:41 is "you should get married. "
33:44 I mean I am a child, you know.
33:47 But, that's what we planned on doing-is that we ended up
33:55 thinking about marriage.
33:57 I am now eight and a half months pregnant.
33:59 I weighed 104 pounds.
34:01 So I was using a lot.
34:03 I was a mess. I was young.
34:05 And went in the hospital to deliver
34:09 before I ended up going to Mexico to get married,
34:11 I had twins that could fit in the palms of your hands.
34:15 They were very small and damaged,
34:19 not only because of my age, but all the stuff
34:21 I was putting in my body.
34:22 And I remember not having any connection,
34:25 no-like I didn't have any sense
34:28 of what I was doing was actually
34:31 hurting these babies, but they did not survive.
34:34 The girl was still-born, and the boy lived
34:36 for eight and a half hours.
34:37 And the doctor came in at one point and said to me,
34:40 "Do you realize that what you put in your body caused this?"
34:43 And I remember thinking that, that was the cruelest thing
34:47 anybody's ever said to me.
34:48 And I just wanted to- I just wanted to hurt him.
34:51 I couldn't believe that he said that.
34:53 And I ended up at that point.
34:55 And I think I had gone into depression before then.
34:58 But I end up going into depression.
35:00 I told my mom after the twins died
35:03 that I could just come home.
35:05 She encouraged me to get married and not come home.
35:08 We ended up getting married.
35:10 I moved in with his parents.
35:12 He was- his name was John.
35:14 He was in the navy.
35:15 And he went overseas.
35:17 And I stayed at his parents.
35:18 And I just want you to think
35:20 about that, do you think his parents liked me?
35:23 Now I was a 12 year old drug addict
35:24 that just ruined their son's life.
35:27 I didn't get that at that time.
35:29 All I got, was I'm looking at another adult
35:32 that is looking at me as if I am the problem.
35:35 And I remember looking in the mirror
35:36 again saying, "What is it?"
35:38 And not having any sense of anything, but just thinking
35:41 that now I married.
35:42 I don't have to take that anymore.
35:44 I am legally an adult even though I am a child.
35:47 And I don't even have to live here.
35:48 And I remember actually leaving that house and ending upon
35:52 the streets of Los Angeles, homeless for the next 10 years.
35:55 When I say stepping onto the streets of Los Angeles,
35:59 the only reason I survived I think is I did that,
36:02 but the stuff that happened before in my life,
36:05 the intensity of the issues
36:06 that I saw before and that was nothing compared
36:08 to what a child sees on the streets
36:10 when you were out there.
36:12 I was picked up immediately by perpetrators
36:14 and addicts that used children.
36:19 And the things that I saw on the streets was really intense.
36:25 In that moment I'm not gonna get into too much,
36:28 but I got one time picked by a motor cycle gang.
36:30 And they were doing initiation for new members.
36:33 And I remember at first thinking,
36:35 "Oh, this is fun. We're going camping.
36:38 That would be fun. " I don't know about you,
36:40 but I never went camping.
36:42 My family is, you know, addicts.
36:44 And we didn't do that kind of stuff.
36:46 And so we're just gonna go camping
36:48 and we'd take some drugs.
36:50 And we get to this camp ground,
36:52 and there was about 300 bikers
36:53 and they're doing initiation for new members.
36:55 And what they do with initiation is, they'd bring in kids
36:59 from the street, they beat them, rape them,
37:02 all kinds of different things.
37:04 And by the end of the night, either they live or die,
37:06 but that's not even an issue.
37:08 The new members get initiated.
37:10 And we were pulled in for that.
37:12 And I remember when I got there,
37:13 I got off the bike thinking that I'm just going camping.
37:15 It's no big deal.
37:17 And I started to walk away from that guy that took me there.
37:19 And he just screamed at me,
37:21 "Did I say that you could walk away from me?"
37:24 And I remember thinking, "Did I ask you?"
37:26 You know, as soon as I said that, he hit
37:29 me in the face as hard as he could.
37:31 And I remember even at like 14 years old,
37:33 that I'm thinking, I can't believe you just hit me.
37:36 And so I got up and hit him in the face as hard as I could.
37:39 He was 38 and buffed.
37:42 I was 14 and 14, you know?
37:45 And he hit me in the face again.
37:48 And I, at that time was furious.
37:50 And I was furious in the sense of "I don't even know you",
37:54 you know, I don't even, you know, I'm not even sure
37:56 what's going on, but you're not gonna-nobody is gonna hit me.
37:59 Nobody is gonna do that.
38:00 And I was just angry and furious.
38:01 And I got up and hit him.
38:03 He hit me and each time he hit me, I hit this tree.
38:05 It was just ridiculous.
38:07 And so now I am angry about that.
38:09 Everybody is laughing 'cause I kept hitting the same tree
38:11 and they thought that was funny.
38:13 And I remember getting up and hitting him again
38:14 and I was just so furious.
38:16 I am trying to hit him and scratch
38:18 him and all that kind of stuff.
38:20 He's laughing which made it worse for me.
38:22 I hit him again.
38:23 And he finally hits me where he knocked some teeth out.
38:27 I thought my face cracked.
38:29 And I decided that I would stay down.
38:31 I was checking just to see how damaged I am.
38:34 I don't know if anybody has been beaten,
38:36 or in a car accident or whatever but you just try to assess
38:39 how damaged you are.
38:40 I was trying to figure out how many teeth are gone,
38:43 you know, I knew that I was bleeding.
38:44 I was trying to check out all that kind of stuff.
38:46 He walks over to me and he says,
38:48 "Man, you are really gutsy.
38:51 I like that. I'd like you to be my old lady. "
38:55 And I'm thinking, "Did he just ask me out?"
38:58 'Cause I don't think so.
39:00 Do you know what I mean?
39:01 And I thought, to be in a world that is so turned around,
39:06 that what- the respect that you got was that you could get hit
39:09 in the face and still get up.
39:11 And I'm thinking, the stuff I saw on the street
39:14 was not-it was like everything was turned around.
39:17 Does that make sense?
39:18 It was just like you are trying to make to sense out
39:20 of something that doesn't make sense.
39:21 I remember telling him, "no. "
39:24 "No thanks", you know?
39:25 And he said, "Oh, that wasn't a question. "
39:27 I'm now his personal property which probably saved my life.
39:30 But now I am his personal property.
39:32 At one time, he was so high, and this is how I think,
39:35 ridiculous we are, as addicts.
39:37 He was so high, but he decided that now I am his girlfriend,
39:41 now his lady and I don't know how to shoot a gun, right?
39:45 So he's gonna teach me.
39:47 And I'm thinking, "Are you really
39:49 gonna put a gun in my hand?"
39:51 And then he literally hands me a gun
39:53 and he's gonna set up the target.
39:56 I'm thinking "I so don't need a target",
39:58 you know, I'm thinking.
40:00 And I don't know what happened, and I didn't shoot him
40:02 because I don't know how to shoot a gun.
40:03 But how hard could it be, you know.
40:05 And he's walking over to set a target up
40:07 and everything in my mind was thinking
40:09 "just shoot him", you know.
40:11 And--but that's--the stuff I saw on the street,
40:14 was that kind of stuff.
40:15 It was almost like, you know,
40:17 turning around and just seeing things upside down.
40:22 I just took my drugs to survive stuff,
40:24 I just took my drug.
40:25 I was in a drug house one time in
40:27 and I was high and I was hearing this guy talk.
40:31 And this guy was talking about--
40:35 can I use an example 'cause--
40:36 let me see an example of someone.
40:39 Is there a doctor in the house?
40:43 Okay, come on up.
40:46 He tried just like to sit lower in his seat.
40:51 So now he was-- I just heard this doctor talking
40:56 and he was just talking about he was a cardiac surgeon.
41:00 Then I thought how cool is that.
41:02 And I remember thinking, how cool is that.
41:05 And I went over and I said, you know,
41:07 "Wow, can I see your hands?
41:08 That is amazing." And I'm thinking
41:11 "you do heart transplants."
41:12 You know, and I don't know why,
41:14 but my whole life I wanted someone to be normal, anybody.
41:18 You know what I mean?
41:19 There's gotta be somebody--be normal,
41:21 just throw me in front of a train,
41:22 cause I'm so done. And I think for,
41:24 you know, whenever I met somebody that had a decent life,
41:29 I just-- it was like,
41:30 I longed for that to be real.
41:32 And so I'm just kind of enjoying the fact
41:34 that he was-- had a cardiac surgery
41:36 and he started telling some stuff.
41:38 And then I think he's sitting next to a friend of mine
41:41 who is a kid, and she is a prostitute.
41:44 So I said to him, "What are you doing here?"
41:47 And he said "what do you mean?"
41:50 Please don't say that again. What are you doing here?
41:52 I'm just asking you a question
41:54 and you said what you mean, again.
41:55 And I said, "I'm just asking you one simple question,
41:57 what are you doing here?"
41:59 And I remember being so angry, like,
42:01 "what are you doing here?"
42:02 Did you--the people that you work with, know you're here?
42:04 Does your wife know you're here?
42:05 And I wanted to just ask him,
42:07 just please tell me what you're doing here.
42:10 And I don't know what I wanted him to say but in my heart,
42:13 I wanted him to be normal.
42:14 You know what I mean?
42:16 And I knew that what he was gonna pay her
42:17 is probably 20 bucks, right?
42:20 And so when you go to work,
42:21 when you first breathe that work, the first breath,
42:23 do you get more than 20 bucks?
42:27 Oh, I'm sorry. Some doctors do.
42:38 But you know, I was so angry.
42:40 It's like when you breathe, when you first walk in,
42:43 do you make more than that?
42:44 And you know, everybody is telling me to shut up.
42:46 You know what, you know,
42:48 people around me are saying, "Just stop. Just stop."
42:50 You know and I'm thinking I'm not gonna stop.
42:53 And then finally somebody says
42:54 something to me like they're fed.
42:57 And raise your hand if you get this,
42:58 "Cheri, we're playing him."
43:01 And I'm like "really?"
43:03 'cause I want to know what you make.
43:05 You know, "What's in your bank account
43:07 because she doesn't have a bank account."
43:09 You know, "Where do you live?
43:10 Because she lives here in this drug house."
43:12 You know, "What are talking about?
43:14 What do you drive? She doesn't have a car.
43:16 What do you mean we're playing him?"
43:18 You know, who's playing who?
43:20 And I just want to scream to the entire world,
43:22 "Does this make sense to anybody?"
43:25 you know, and so finally people are saying "stop."
43:28 Just take some more drugs and that's what I did.
43:30 I really got by just sedating myself
43:34 because I just felt like, you know, is anybody normal?
43:37 Is anybody, is anybody, you know, so funny.
43:41 You know, 10 years go by and I'm 23 years old.
43:44 I'm burned out. I'm now dealing drugs.
43:47 We do a drug deal. And we're doing that.
43:49 I had been up for five days freebasing coke.
43:52 I'm high, and I don't know if anybody's done that,
43:54 but you get a little paranoid, all that kind of stuff.
43:57 And I've got seven pounds of cocaine.
43:59 We're selling to a guy from San Francisco and from LA,
44:01 so we fly in. We're doing all of this kind of crazy stuff
44:07 and he owns a restaurant.
44:09 And I wanna scream at the same thing.
44:11 You know, we're dealers.
44:13 You own a restaurant in San Francisco on the bay.
44:16 What're you doing buying drugs?
44:18 And I just want to say to somebody, "stop."
44:23 You know, I just want to say that and so he's--
44:25 you know, we've got chemicals,
44:26 we've got scales, we've got the drugs,
44:28 we've got everything set up.
44:29 We've got cassettes on the table and we are upstairs
44:32 and we've got all of the stuff $67,000 cash in one deal,
44:35 in another deal.
44:37 We're transferring these drugs over, and by the time I get--
44:39 we get this drug deal home, we get on the airplane.
44:44 I'm on the airplane, going back and the guy
44:46 that I'm with gets the stewardess high.
44:48 Just think about that.
44:50 I'm wanting her to just go get her seat belt on.
44:52 Do you know what I mean?
44:53 I'm thinking "is anybody normal?"
44:55 Besides Teresa. No.
44:57 Is anybody normal? Is anybody--
45:00 you know and I just, you know by the time I get home--
45:02 I live in a drug house, I'm getting home.
45:04 And I just want-- I just can't stand it.
45:06 I just want somebody to be normal.
45:08 The money that we made doesn't go with us.
45:11 We just ran drugs. It goes back to the attorney
45:13 that's never done a drug in his life
45:14 but this is his business. Money goes back to him.
45:17 I've been out forever and I go in my room
45:19 and I crash and I am done.
45:21 And when you've been up for five days or so, on drugs,
45:24 when you crash, you crash.
45:25 It's almost like a death.
45:26 And I go in my room to crash and a couple hours later,
45:29 I get woke up to a guy with a gun to my face
45:31 and he just starts screaming, slams the gun in my face
45:34 and "I am gonna blow your head off."
45:36 And "nobody steals from me."
45:37 And na- na-na-na-na-na-na, and I can't even wake up to hear
45:40 what he's saying. I am so--
45:42 I can't, I can't focus.
45:44 And I'm thinking "what is he saying?"
45:47 And finally I realize, he's gonna blow my head off.
45:50 And I thought, "Thank you so much.
45:53 I've been trying to do this my whole life."
45:55 You know what I mean?
45:57 I just totally relax, thinking, "you know what?
45:59 I can't even tell you how much I appreciate this", you know.
46:03 And so I relax and he starts just flipping out.
46:07 "I'm gonna blow your head off."
46:08 And na-na-na-na and I think because I relax,
46:10 he's just like going on and on.
46:13 And he says, "Are you crazy?"
46:15 And I'm thinking, "Are you my psychiatrist?"
46:17 You know I thought, "Just pull the trigger."
46:19 What are we doing dialoguing?"
46:21 And he just kept on and on.
46:22 And finally I realized he's just trying to scare me.
46:25 And I remember for the first time in my life
46:27 just wanted to scream as I taken my next breath scares me.
46:30 "You blowing my head off doesn't scare me.
46:32 I don't wanna be here. I don't like it here.
46:35 I've not had-- there is not been one day
46:37 that I've stepped out and had it work out for me,
46:39 just pull the trigger." And he is like,
46:42 "You're crazy." And I'm thinking,
46:44 "You have a gun to my face.
46:46 Who's crazy? You're crazy.
46:48 Pull the trigger. Do you want me to call somebody for you?
46:51 Are you a little girl? Pull the trigger."
46:53 You know, what do you say, to somebody just like--
46:56 and I remember just thinking, "pull the trigger."
46:57 And he leaves and I am just done.
47:01 And, you know, few days go by
47:03 and I'm thinking I still have to breathe
47:05 and I still have to walk and I still have to get up
47:07 and I don't want to. You know, I don't know
47:08 if anybody has ever felt like that,
47:10 but I don't want to. And I finally realized
47:12 that I have to get someone to help me.
47:14 I need to go somewhere where someone can help me
47:17 and talk me out of killing myself.
47:20 I should have went to church or something.
47:22 But I went to my mom's house.
47:24 And so I get to my mom's house.
47:27 And, you know, my mom's boyfriend is high.
47:31 My mom is, you know, checked out.
47:33 And I go in the house. And it's just the same.
47:36 It's dark. The blinds aren't open.
47:37 Nobody goes to my-- goes to bed at my house
47:40 at a decent hour and they sleep in the day.
47:42 And I mean, it's just like you walk in
47:43 and you walk in to all of that and I realized
47:45 that it was just the wrong thing to do.
47:47 And I am a hundred pounds, I'm strung out,
47:49 I can barely read and somebody says,
47:52 "Wow, good to see you. How are you?"
47:56 And what do you say when somebody says that?
47:59 Good. I'm like I am inside
48:02 "just come back from vacation in San Francisco."
48:04 You know what I mean? It's just like--
48:05 I'm not sure why-- I mean I have teeth missing,
48:07 I look terrible, I'm strung out, I mean,
48:09 there's nothing good about anything.
48:10 And I wanted to jump in front of a train,
48:12 and I am just saying "good" and, you know,
48:15 my dad's watching a football game
48:17 and you know, smoking some weed.
48:20 And everybody is just, you know,
48:22 and I'm thinking what am I doing here?
48:24 And I stayed for a little while and then thought,
48:25 you know, I just gotta go.
48:27 And I got up to leave and mom said,
48:28 "Oh, I went back to school since last time I saw you."
48:32 And I said, "Are you kidding me?
48:34 You went back to school?"
48:35 You know, my mom's been through a lot with my dad
48:38 and my step dad and with us and,
48:40 you know, she is been checked out,
48:42 but she went back to school.
48:43 You know, and I'm just--that's so cool.
48:46 And so I said, "You know,
48:48 what are you taking in school?"
48:50 And she said, "Social work."
48:54 And I had to blow her head off.
48:55 No, you know, everything in me,
48:57 I thought "if I had a gun
48:59 you would not have survived that statement."
49:01 What do you mean you are taking social work?
49:04 You've never touched. You've never said you love me.
49:06 You've-- our family is a mess,
49:08 what are you gonna teach somebody else
49:09 how to have a normal family?
49:11 Are you kidding me? Raise your hand
49:12 if you're a social worker and should not be, you know?
49:16 You know, what I mean.
49:17 She puts her hand down real fast.
49:19 So--but, you know what,
49:21 I am thinking, "Are you kidding me?"
49:23 She could've said anything else.
49:24 She could've said anything else,
49:26 and I wouldn't have been-- I was stunned. I was stunned.
49:29 I thought you know what, I can barely breathe.
49:31 It feels like if somebody sucking
49:33 all the oxygen away from my environment.
49:34 And I don't know if I'm gonna survive today.
49:37 And I just want you to tell me that you love me.
49:40 And I don't get this social work thing.
49:42 I don't get it. And I remembered all I said was "wow,
49:45 good luck with that" you know.
49:48 And she went into the room.
49:49 And she got me this envelope.
49:51 And she brought it out and she said here and I took it.
49:55 And I went back to the drug house that I live in.
49:57 And I remember thinking that I am just done.
50:00 I walked in the house. There was a naked guy
50:04 high on cannabis and all hallucinating,
50:05 playing air guitar in the living room.
50:07 And I remember thinking I am in no mood,
50:09 but when you live in a drug house,
50:11 she can't say who is there.
50:12 I mean, you can walk in and whoever is there, is there.
50:14 I mean and so I'm walking in.
50:15 I walked in the bathroom,
50:17 the heroin addicts tend to throw up,
50:18 I mean, they shoot off some times
50:22 and so somebody had thrown up in the bathroom,
50:23 and unless you have a meth addict, it stays there.
50:27 So--but it's like, you know, being able to--
50:30 I went into the bathroom and it was a mess
50:32 and I went into my room
50:33 and I'm looking for something to kill myself with.
50:35 And I remember just desperately looking for something, anything.
50:38 And I saw that envelope on the bed that I'd thrown in
50:41 when I walked in the room and I picked it up.
50:43 And I wanted to rip it up into a billion pieces.
50:45 And I remembered literally wanted to rip it up.
50:48 And that was the first time I felt the presence of God.
50:50 And I don't know who in the room has felt that,
50:53 and who hasn't but that was the first time
50:54 I had ever felt that. And when I picked it up,
50:56 I just felt this overwhelming sense of being safe
51:00 for the first time in my life.
51:02 I thought this overwhelming sense of being loved
51:04 for the first time in my life.
51:06 And I just was stunned. I knew it was God even though
51:10 I didn't have any background of that.
51:12 And I remember just standing there.
51:13 And I felt like the Holy Spirit said to me not in a voice
51:16 but just impress me to open up the envelope
51:20 and read what was in there.
51:22 And I opened up the envelope.
51:24 There were some papers.
51:25 There was a--my mom got an "A" on the papers
51:28 that was what she wrote in the social work--
51:30 in her social work program.
51:32 And she got an "A", underneath the "A",
51:34 the instructor said, "Please give this to Cheri."
51:37 And I just got through this the best I could.
51:39 I was a fairly illiterate. But I got through the best
51:41 I could and that was my mom's life story.
51:44 My mom was molested as a little girl.
51:46 She was given up by her mom when she was five years old.
51:49 She was given to an aunt,
51:51 molested by an uncle when she was 12.
51:53 Her mom then came back and got her,
51:55 moved her to the United States.
51:57 She met my dad, ended up with the pregnancies
51:59 and all that stuff that I had told you about.
52:01 And then I get to the third page,
52:03 and at that time I had this overwhelming sense
52:06 that I wanted to tell my mom,
52:08 "I wish you would have told me,
52:09 because I would have just told you I love you and that's okay."
52:12 But I get to the third page
52:14 and on the top of the third page it just said,
52:16 "The only reason I survived any of this is,
52:18 I took my anger and hatred out on my second child
52:20 and I ruined her life." And it just--I was stunned.
52:24 For the first time in my life,
52:25 it felt like somebody said out loud,
52:28 the truth, 'cause I always-- "what was it?
52:30 What is it? What happened?"
52:32 And I always had those questions,
52:34 but now I'm reading it and that made sense
52:36 and I heard God say that "this was never about you.
52:39 And if you trust me, I could change your life."
52:43 And I remember thinking, "no way.
52:46 I am strung out. I have no skills.
52:49 I have no value to anyone."
52:51 And I didn't, no value at all.
52:54 And I remember just sitting there,
52:55 just wanting to weep.
52:57 There's no way that you could make any difference.
52:59 And I just got--and I don't know how God does this
53:02 when He shows you something,
53:04 you see everything but you see nothing.
53:06 I mean, how does the Holy Spirit do that?
53:07 I don't even know. But what I felt like He showed me,
53:10 is who I am in His eyes, right?
53:14 Has anybody ever thought of that?
53:15 When God looks at you, who are you?
53:18 What He said to me, what I believe,
53:20 is that He's known me forever,
53:22 from the foundations of the world.
53:23 Long before I was-- He's known me forever.
53:25 I mean, God knows us.
53:28 And He knows us the day after resurrection.
53:31 And I think He showed me
53:32 who I am the day after resurrection.
53:34 And He said stop to finding yourself right now.
53:37 Stop to finding yourself because all these stuff--
53:39 and I remember just been really, really
53:43 overwhelmed by the fact that what He showed me,
53:47 and I got a little sense of that.
53:49 But what He showed me was beautiful
53:51 and innocent and not, you know,
53:53 not so trashed with all this stuff.
53:55 And I remember thinking that if you could do that,
53:58 I would do--I'd do whatever, you know.
54:00 And I just sat there and cried
54:02 and eventually stood up and thought,
54:04 you know, I am going to step into recovery.
54:08 I had to get God out of drug house.
54:09 I don't know about you, but I realized that this was God.
54:12 And there was a naked guy
54:14 in the living room playing air guitar.
54:15 And this is no place for God to be, you know?
54:18 So I tried to, you know, let's just say God,
54:21 you know, let's just go out the window here.
54:23 So you don't have to go through the living room.
54:25 And I remember just having this ridiculous
54:27 thought about that, but now I do international ministry
54:32 and God does His best work with naked guys high on drugs.
54:35 And I don't know why, He is a genius at it.
54:37 I mean, He really can come into the life of people
54:39 that are so far removed from anything
54:42 that you would never think,
54:43 that they could even get their life back,
54:45 and God goes in there and changes everything.
54:48 And I think that what He did for me was,
54:50 He stepped into my life and changed everything.
54:53 And, you know, this week we're gonna be talking about,
54:56 you know, different things and that whole journey
54:59 and what I have learned about recovery
55:02 and addiction and all that kind of stuff.
55:04 And I hope you come to the meetings,
55:05 but what I want to say tonight
55:07 is I am so overwhelmed by God as my recovery partner.
55:14 You know what I mean, is that every single thing
55:17 that I needed, He provided.
55:18 Every single step that I made,
55:21 He opened up a way for me to get the skill
55:23 I needed to take the next step.
55:24 Every single time I was so afraid
55:26 that I wouldn't make that through the day,
55:28 He helped me make it through the day.
55:30 Every single time that I didn't fit in anywhere,
55:33 He showed me that I fit in with Him.
55:35 And that was such an incredible journey
55:37 or it is such an incredible journey
55:38 that if you are struggling with any kind of addictions here
55:41 tonight, please let's hang out and talk
55:44 sometime during this weekend.
55:46 But know that God is just so good at what He does.
55:50 If you are a church member and haven't struggled a lot
55:52 with addictions and those kind of things,
55:54 please know that you are the light of the world.
55:58 And I am gonna tell you tomorrow
55:59 about the vegan vegetarian that I met that made
56:03 this next journey even possible.
56:11 I wanna just say for people that are viewing this program
56:15 that are not here with us that I know
56:19 that some folks are out there that you don't think
56:21 that you're gonna be able to stand up,
56:23 but let God show you who you are.
56:25 Let God show you who He is.
56:27 Let God introduce you to recovery in a way
56:30 that will give you some hope.
56:32 And I really think like any of the 12 step programs,
56:35 any of that kind of stuff, is that the first step is to,
56:38 you know, just look at how messed up you are,
56:41 messed up things are.
56:42 But then step into the fact that God is God
56:45 and can restore us to sanity.
56:46 And I love the fact, just like the demoniac--
56:51 does anybody know about the demoniac in the Bible?
56:53 Just like the demoniac, is that He can meet us.
56:55 We are filled with a thousand different addictions,
56:58 we are filled with a thousand different things,
57:00 I didn't know what it even felt like to be safe in my own skin
57:03 or to be able to step out and just take a breath.
57:06 And God said, "I'm gonna teach you all of those things."
57:09 And He was faithful at that. He actually did that.


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Revised 2014-12-17