Participants: Cheri Peters (Host), Dannielle Synot, Jamie & Kerrie
Series Code: OTR
Program Code: OTR001022
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to addictive behavior. 00:05 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:06 may be too candid for younger children. 01:11 Oh, welcome back. 01:14 This is my favorite teaching ever, 01:17 because I've tried a lot of things, 01:19 when I got into recovery. 01:20 For some of you, there is a couple that 01:22 have been here for the first time. 01:23 I am a heroin addict in recovery, 01:25 come from a family of addicts. 01:28 My history was, I mean, I had no idea about anything. 01:34 You know, about God, about spirituality, 01:36 about any of that, trying to kill myself at 23, 01:39 I meet God. 01:40 And He has been-- I put some stuff on the table 01:43 that has just been dark and ugly stuff. 01:46 You know, being strung out and being on drugs 01:48 and been a molested kid and all that kind of stuff, 01:51 those things that I would never tell you in front of the pulpit, 01:55 not because I'm afraid to tell you, 01:57 but it's just ugly stuff. 01:58 You know, these things that you don't even need to know. 02:00 Some of it would be abusive for me to tell you. 02:03 You know, what I mean and yet every single thing 02:06 that I put in front of God, in front of Christ, 02:09 He just said, man, thank you forgiving me that. 02:13 And it's just like, He just cleared it and set me a banquet. 02:16 You know, just kept continuously 02:19 taking all the stuff which was amazing to me. 02:22 And then you-- I don't know, 02:23 if you have stuff that you just wanna 02:24 almost shake because you think. 02:26 You know, I don't know, if God could forgive this. 02:28 I don't know, what He's gonna think about this. 02:30 I don't know, what He's gonna think about me, if I say this. 02:33 And yet I said that loud trembling almost 02:36 and He says I know that, I love you. 02:40 And I am like, how cool are you? 02:41 Do you know what I mean how cool is that? 02:43 And this, I am just sorry to say this to you, 02:47 but it was such an impact for moment to me. 02:49 I was driving down the street and I think when you know, 02:52 you've been forgiven as much as I've been forgiven. 02:56 There are sometimes I am just so full of joy. 02:59 I just--I can't even hardly stand it. 03:01 I just-and so I am driving down the street 03:03 and I am listening to some songs 03:04 and I am singing at the top of my lungs. 03:06 Has anybody done that? 03:08 You're just so full of joy and you're connected with 03:09 everything and the sun's out and everything is just cool 03:13 and this song comes on the radio and it's--I can only imagine. 03:18 You know, incredible song, I could only imagine. 03:21 You know, when I am standing 03:23 in front of Jesus, what I am gonna do? 03:26 And I made it and I talk up the time but would I be silent. 03:30 Because it's such an incredible moment, you know, 03:32 would I fall on my knees, would I sing, would I dance? 03:36 You know, what I am gonna do? 03:37 And it says will I dance for you Jesus 03:40 or in awe of you be still, right? 03:43 But I told you my testimony that I was 03:45 homeless and a heroin addict and worked as a dancer 03:48 in clubs and all that kind of stuff. 03:50 And all of a sudden I was overwhelmed by shame, 03:55 overwhelmed, you know, everything that I know was 03:58 about who I am? 04:01 And that kind of thing came back to me 04:03 and I thought, you know, all of the sudden 04:05 the ugliness of my past was so apparent that 04:08 it robbed me of that joy of connecting with Jesus 04:11 in that moment even on that day. 04:13 And I just freaked out and I started crying 04:15 and I had to pullover 'cause you know, 04:17 I mean I was just crying so hard 04:19 I could not continue driving. 04:21 And I had to pull over and I just heard the Holy Spirit 04:23 saying I love you. You will dance for me. 04:27 And it's gonna be pure and holy. 04:29 There's nothing about it that is gonna be shameful 04:32 and please know that all of that will be removed. 04:36 And I thought, I just want to kiss you on the face. 04:39 I just want you to be right here. 04:42 Why do we deserve that? It's just ridiculously crazy. 04:45 And what God has offered us, and so now this right here 04:48 I think is a most important teaching ever. 04:51 I'm gonna introduce you to some friends before I start. 04:55 And I want to just tell you when I grab friends 04:58 and pull them up here, a lot of times they're like 05:01 please don't call me. 05:03 But I do it anyway, because I love them. 05:06 I meet the coolest people all over the world 05:08 coming from different places. 05:10 Today, I want to get Jamie and Kerrie up. 05:14 Both of them have a story different but will-- 05:19 you'll understand a little bit about forgiveness. 05:21 And so I am gonna first say I love you 05:25 and you know I love you. 05:27 Last year, when I was talking to Jamie, 05:32 for the kind of the last time and he was, 05:37 now were you 50 pounds lighter. 05:40 I've put on 35 kilos. Yeah. 05:43 So, yeah. 05:45 He was so-- I thought if you 05:47 don't get it now you're gonna die. 05:50 You really are not gonna make it. 05:52 And didn't it feel like that, that it's like this time. 05:55 Yeah it was-- that was it, yeah. 05:58 So, I wanna you to talk a little bit. 06:00 You're heroin addict in recovery. 06:02 You've been clean for how long? 06:04 I've been clean for 11 months. 06:07 And only 'cause I grabbed him by the throat and said 06:13 you get clean, you got to do it now. 06:15 And I was like it was so intense 'cause 06:17 I over the years have really fallen in love with you. 06:20 Really, knew that God has a call in your life 06:23 and yet you were just diving down. 06:26 I was trying to get away from everything and everyone. 06:30 Especially me. 06:31 Yeah and then God put Cheri in my path and yeah, 06:38 she got me into a Christian based rehab. 06:40 And yeah I got at a Christian base rehab 06:44 'cause God put Cheri in more power. 06:46 She reached out to me and yeah it all went from 06:50 there and I haven't looked back ever since. 06:52 So it's been, yeah God changed me along. 06:55 He changed me from the inside out. 06:57 So, and I am late man I thought that 06:59 I was somebody that could never change ever. 07:02 So, yeah, God does do miracles. So are you brave enough? 07:08 Yeah, to tell them what started your addiction? 07:10 'Cause we thing people just go out and party 07:12 and in they're out there to just get high, 07:14 but you started for a specific reason. 07:17 Yeah I was molested as a young child 07:20 by a family member by an uncle. 07:22 So I am just after that my life just spun 07:26 out of control and yeah I've found drugs what Cheri 07:30 says you know talking that--you know, 07:35 it was just to kill the pain. 07:36 So yeah, and then look I was screaming out to help 07:40 as a young kid just-- yeah that's the only way 07:43 I could get rid of the pain, was you know, 07:46 I was started on marijuana, alcohol, 07:49 spirit and then soon as I found heroin. 07:52 I just never looked back. 07:53 I used it for 20 years straight, 07:55 in and out of jail fled out. 07:57 How many kids did you have in the mean time? 07:59 Yeah, I had two children, that didn't even stop me. 08:02 So yeah and yeah I've got a beautiful partner Kerrie. 08:06 She stood by me for 20 years of just-- 08:11 I was a mess dead set mess. 08:14 And Kerrie stuck by me the whole time. 08:17 Threw me over jail sentences over drug use, 08:19 saw the abuse, saw everything, 08:21 I was the shocking partner and just yeah. 08:25 She really showed me what as a Christian person is look. 08:29 Our God forgiven for everything for Kerrie, 08:32 so and that's I think that's because of her 08:35 religious background and her God. 08:39 Yeah, so-- 08:40 It's really interesting as our first time. 08:42 When did we meet? 08:43 Well, how was it a few years ago? 08:45 It was 2009. 08:47 Yeah, so what's really interesting to me is you 08:50 you see I saw you in your addictions and so strong 08:55 and it was like you know now I am good. 08:57 You were so not good. Don't lie to me. 09:00 And you know, you didn't even know me. 09:01 You're right, so you just playing this whole thing 09:03 and so but anyway what's really interesting 09:05 is even in that-- you see this 09:07 incredible man of God that's locked in there. 09:10 Do you know what I mean just locked in there 09:12 and knowing that more than likely something happened, 09:14 'cause we talked about and people don't just 09:16 become addict, usually there's some pain, 09:18 some junk and so it was really incredible to meet 09:21 you and to be on this journey with you. 09:23 And I can't wait to work with you in a huge way. 09:26 But I think the testimony here is you. 09:31 You know, 'cause you know the addict we could just 09:33 get high again-- but the family member 09:35 or the partner, your wife your kids, 09:38 they have to walk through it. 09:40 They are not numbing themselves. 09:43 So what was that like I mean? 09:45 Oh, it was horrible, just horrible. 09:47 Just, watching at the start it wasn't so bad. 09:53 It was just sort of deteriorated 09:55 it just went on but I just-- 09:59 there was always that hope there for me. 10:01 I could say that man of God, 10:03 'cause I grew up in a Christian home-- 10:06 had nothing to do with that whole drug world at all. 10:11 And Jamie and I crossed paths and just never looked back. 10:15 But it was just horrendous to go through it, 10:19 just not knowing each day is he--is he dead, 10:22 you know, is he going to come home. 10:26 You know, what do I tell my children. 10:29 Always dad, falling asleep on the couch. 10:31 You know they always wondered 10:32 why dad was tired all the time in. 10:35 It's just a horrible, horrible thing. 10:37 So in with how did you--'cause we're talking 10:40 about even forgiveness on today, 10:42 how did youforgive him? 10:44 Is it you know--'cause a lot of people are in that 10:46 situation even though they look really great? 10:48 Yeah. You know 'cause you look great. 10:51 Yeah You came to church you smiled. 10:52 I've never told anyone what was going on, never. 10:55 And you know when people say how you're doing, oh good? 10:57 Good. It was good, no one even knew. 11:00 I would just, I mean people would have-- 11:02 knew something was going on. 11:04 But I never ever talked about it. 11:06 It just it was something I kept to myself 11:09 and I kept believing that it's gonna go away. 11:11 Locked key he will be right tomorrow, tomorrow, 11:14 tomorrow and yeah-- 11:16 And there is part of not telling for you know 11:21 for shame, but it's also part of 11:22 not telling because you don't want to dishonor him. 11:25 Yeah. When he stands up. 11:26 I mean so you're really conflicted in that. Yeah 11:29 You know, and so would how are you doing? 11:31 You've been clean for less than a year. 11:34 Yeah I am doing really good. Yeah, you have to forgive him. 11:38 Yeah How was that? 11:40 Its, it is a hard. So process it is. 11:44 As cute as you are. Yeah, it is too hard. 11:48 I understand. Yeah. 11:49 Now that I am stride on that. Yeah, yeah. 11:51 And what's really to me amazing about both of you 11:54 as a couple is as you learn that, 11:57 you gonna be able to reach out. Yeah 11:59 And help a ton of folks that really are in that place. 12:02 And that's why I think you know I love the way God 12:05 is using you right now, just standing out getting that 12:09 clear and then I can't even tell you even this weekend, 12:13 like I said its good as everybody looks. Yeah. 12:15 There are people dealing with the exact same thing 12:18 and they're dying to tell someone. Yeah 12:20 Because it's hard to carry that's so much. Yeah. 12:23 But I always needed that if it became too much 12:26 for me that God would remove me from situation. 12:30 I just knew that he would never let me. 12:33 I mean, there was days where I don't want to get 12:35 out of bed just because you know distress. 12:38 But I knew that if it became too much that God 12:40 won't let me go through anymore than I can handle. 12:44 So I was clearly stronger than I thought. 12:47 Then you know, what's as you become 12:49 the spiritual leader of this home again. 12:51 Man, I'm so--I can't even tell you how much 12:55 I respect what you're doing. 12:56 And how much I just know your kids 12:59 and Kerrie are just gonna be blessing. 13:01 As your friend I am gonna be blessed. 13:03 You know, and as I develops. 13:05 You know, it's really good. 13:07 So I am wrapped with the right arm, 13:11 I am at the moment. Me too. 13:12 I have never been like this in hard lock since 13:15 i was a teenaged kid. 13:17 So you know, yeah, it's good to know 13:20 what's going on and actually really oh, 13:23 man really know what's going around me, 13:25 because I sorted out it. 13:28 I like that, really just be cognizant for us. 13:31 Yeah, and it's really hard lock for me 13:33 and my children and Kerrie too just 'cause I have been 13:37 a mess for that long, but now that I am not 13:40 I suppose it's gonna take me a long time to entrusting 13:43 things back you know. 13:45 Which is what I am working now, 13:46 but its really hard but I sit down 13:49 and I look at my kids sometimes and think you know, 13:52 I've got no idea how I put them through, 13:55 what I put them through Kerrie 13:56 as well as everybody that I know. 13:58 Yeah and I walk across, so that I wasn't hurting anybody 14:00 but there was people that loved me. 14:02 And there was you know, that would hurt in the inside 14:05 especially my children I think-- 14:07 And being so forgiveness is gonna be forgiving yourself. 14:10 And getting them helping them to forgive you. 14:13 All of that kind of stuff. 14:15 You know, is there anything and this is kind of 14:17 putting you on the spot right now. 14:18 But is there anything that you would like 14:20 the church to know about what you're having 14:23 to deal with and how they could help you. 14:28 Now you just pray, just pray, 14:30 it's probably the best way because-- 14:32 How about be patient? Yeah, yeah. 14:35 Be patient because you know what? 14:38 This is gonna be such an incredible man of God. 14:40 But he's going to stumble around at times. 14:42 He's gonna may be say things that you just think you know, 14:44 and you gonna want to step away. 14:46 Don't you dare? Yeah. 14:48 You know, step closer to him. 14:50 Step closer to her, being able to tell 14:53 even these kids that are going to have 14:54 to deal with all that kind of stuff. 14:56 Is as a church we've the privilege of watching them 15:00 be released from what the devil has 15:01 almost taken them out with. 15:03 And its just like I know I wanna just 15:05 as much as I can show faces of people 15:08 that are sitting down in the pews 15:10 and they're saying--no, no I am good. 15:14 You know, thank you for coming up. 15:16 I am always. All right, give me a kiss. 15:20 I love you. Okay. 15:30 How cool are they? 15:32 Okay, so the next person I want you to meet 15:36 is one of my best friends, and you just got to come up. 15:42 When--and I am gonna let her tell the story 15:45 'cause there when sometimes when I tell the story 15:46 I think I am being a little disrespectful. 15:49 Now you got to jump in, it's not the side of you. 15:51 Okay, I will jump in, I will jump in. 15:52 So this is Danny, she is one of my best friends. 15:55 In ministry has done a lot of things on her own. 15:58 And she just did a series called the 'Beyond the Search', 16:00 it's an incredible series. 16:01 She is the host for Infocus, but when we met, 16:06 you were depressed, suicidal sitting in front 16:09 of a T.V. wanting to take yourself out. 16:11 Who would have thought? 16:14 Yeah, so I had I will just backtrack to it just to give. 16:18 Yeah, yeah. 16:19 So, I grew up in a broken home. 16:22 Basically didn't see my dad from when I was six to sixteen, 16:26 they split up when I was two. 16:27 You really are backtracking. 16:28 I am but I am just gonna go real quick. 16:30 All right. Just 'cause there's a point. 16:31 All right, go. 16:33 And then they both remarry, living with my 16:36 mom and my step dad who is really like very abusive? 16:41 You know smacks my head into walls, 16:42 swears at me, calls me the equivalent of prostitute. 16:44 You're pretty much when nobody was around. 16:46 Yeah. Which made it worse for a kid I think. 16:49 The verbal stuff, yeah, 16:50 the physical was when no one was around. 16:52 So my mom just like totally went into a clinical depression 16:55 was hospitalized, couldn't show affection. 16:59 And yeah and so I had all that abandonment abuse. 17:03 All that stuff going on. 17:04 Yeah, was just that your mom was just trying to survive. 17:06 She was. Totally disassociated. 17:07 Yeah, totally. Yeah. 17:09 She could sit in front of the T.V and I will be mom, 17:11 mom, mom and just she would not hear a thing. 17:16 You ended up 'cause now we have to go. 17:18 'cause when what I really loved the fact that one point 17:22 she finally gets done, and gets right in 17:24 somebody's face and curses them out. 17:26 And realizes that for some reason that worked. 17:29 So you jumped into anger, 17:31 rebellion all of that kind of stuff. 17:33 Yeah, that was my step dad. 17:36 In my teenage years my mom and him split up. 17:38 And I just confronted him one day and I was just so angry 17:42 and I had that 14 years of just rage and I just said, 17:47 "You know what? you're not my father. 17:49 You don't live here anymore. 17:50 So what are you just blankety blank?" 17:52 And he just didn't hit me or anything. 17:56 He just sort of turned around and walked out. 17:58 And I thought wow, and I knew from that 18:01 moment on that I would never let anyone. 18:04 And I met a valentine I never make it there. 18:07 I am like this without doubt that no one would 18:09 ever have that kind of power over me again. 18:11 And so teachers, parents, 18:14 anyone, I'll just curse them out. 18:15 And I just got to go back just to day yesterday 18:18 when we talked about why people choose addictions. 18:20 When you received that power, all the sudden I have this power 18:24 and it worked she is gone for the next, how many years? 18:29 At least ten. Yeah. 18:32 And so now what's really interesting to me is 18:34 then you came into the church. 18:39 Yeah, yeah I lost the baby which got me in the whole other track 18:43 and yeah basically found God when I went going to ministry. 18:47 Within 18 months I was preaching, 18:49 within three years I had my first called ministry. 18:52 And so and then what got the depression when we met. 18:56 Yeah. That's pretty intense. 18:57 Yeah it was I had a lot of basically one of the churches 19:01 we got called to basically both myself out 19:05 and I also had some health issues. 19:06 I got a staph infection you know started 19:09 and you know lots of that's away, 19:11 had a ton of situations where I just basically 19:15 went into clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks 19:18 and all that kind of stuff. 19:20 And I was so damaged and so hurt that 19:22 I just totally shut off, totally closed off my heart, 19:25 and I said I will not connect. 19:27 I'm not connective with my husband 19:28 because we were dealing with stuff. 19:29 I'm not connective with friends. 19:31 I am just; 3ABN is gonna be my church. 19:33 And you know the couch is more comfortable than pew in. 19:37 And I will someway doing ministry. 19:38 Where I can and I just basically withdrew. 19:43 And so one night I am sitting down 19:46 and I am attending my church and watching 3ABN 19:49 and this new show comes on. 19:51 And its kind of funky graphics and interesting music. 19:54 And I'm thinking what's this? 19:56 And I really related to it, 19:59 because I am not the traditional Adventist. 20:01 I got to fit into that box, because it's not my background-- 20:03 I don't have any Adventist. 20:05 Family and its Cheri, I am so they left 20:08 in recovery sharing her testimony. 20:10 And let me just jump in because I just want to say 20:13 there is no longer a typical Adventist. 20:16 So just anybody hear me. 20:17 There is no longer so just kind of rebuke 20:20 that in your mind because we are the typical Adventist now. 20:24 And so just, I just had to say that. 20:26 So let's use the word traditional. 20:28 Yeah, yeah. Yeah 20:29 But I love even how you said that I just want to, 20:32 every time I hear I think it's us. 20:34 Yeah. And how funny is that we are typical now. 20:38 Its ridiculous go ahead. 20:39 So I am watching all this and I am feeling 20:42 really connected and you know, 20:44 in my heart just it was like a relief. 20:47 You know, and I just said out loud thank God. 20:52 Finally, someone else who is normal in the church 20:55 and she laughs and I said that what's--no, 20:57 I am normal but she was real and roar and authentic 21:00 and I mean is that, isn't what reaches everyone. 21:03 This is what we need. We need Cheri. 21:05 This is a new normal. I love that. 21:09 We need more normal. That's why we are friends. 21:12 My God go ahead. It's normal to us. 21:14 That's what seems. Yeah, yeah. 21:16 And so I thought wow, you know, 21:18 I got to Google or find more about this, 21:21 because I need this, but I know the people 21:23 I worked with in ministry need this. 21:26 Not that I was in any position 21:27 to be ministering at that point. Yeah. 21:29 And so a couple of days later before I even had 21:32 a chance to Google anything. 21:34 I am--I go to my workplace where I just resigned from 21:39 which was a community centre at the church, 21:41 it's part of my role. 21:42 I am walking and someone turned at these box of books. 21:44 So I am not walking past. 21:47 And I thought that looks like that Cheri Peters, 21:49 checked in I pick up the book. 21:52 And it's a copy of Miracle from the Streets, 21:54 like who would have even thought. 21:55 So I read this book you know in three minutes 21:58 and for the next probably six months God hassles me 22:01 you need to connect with Cheri. 22:04 And I had no idea you know what it was a about 22:06 eventually I contact you and-- 22:10 She said it's so funny. 22:12 Would you like to come to Australia? 22:13 I said, yes. I just still remember that- 22:17 You know, how fun is that. You know, what I mean. 22:19 I am just like I don't even know who she is, 22:21 but I am thinking I never, you know, 22:22 one of the places you know in your heart as a kid you think. 22:25 Oh, I'd love to see this--oh, I'd love to see that. 22:27 Australia was one of my places and so I just let have fun. 22:30 And she is like you know-- I got a message straight back 22:34 which is really you know unusual to you. 22:36 And I am going-- and she is like, yes, 22:38 I am invited I am saw you there with smiling faces 22:41 and I'm like woo-woo. 22:44 So and so you know the ball started rolling 22:46 and so over the next year you know we're in touch, 22:49 and I am organizing events and we end up doing 22:54 for churches, camp meeting in focusing to--it is written. 22:58 And yeah and we really haven't looked back. 23:01 Its really been fun. It's really been incredible. 23:03 So you know I have to get into this. 23:04 Yeah. So do you mind if I finish this story. 23:06 No, you go for it. So if I get anything wrong, 23:09 just jump up. Okay. 23:12 So anyhow she invites me down and the only reason that I have 23:15 her sitting down is just because I know her 23:16 and I can take over and we can go on and on, 23:18 because we just are friends. 23:20 But she invites me and then I stay at her house. 23:23 And you know we are so excited we have connected over 23:28 the last year just online, was it about a how long was it? 23:31 But we connected over a little bit online. 23:34 I know that we have similar hearts, 23:36 we have similar thoughts about God I mean 23:39 all of that kind of stuff and so we make a connection. 23:42 So by the time I get to her house I feel like I know her. 23:44 But I get to her house and her kids are farrow. 23:48 Do you know what I mean? 23:50 I don't know, I didn't even know what that word meant. 23:52 But she kind of said it. And then I saw it. 23:56 I thought oh, that's what it means. 23:58 You know there were times that we would be talking 24:01 and one kid would have like a bag of cheese 24:04 with a top cutoff and just like swinging it all over the house. 24:08 You know, and she would not break contact with me. 24:12 She just be talking, I'm thinking all right. 24:15 You know, we've been and then one time 24:17 somebody puts something in the microwave. 24:20 It was and there's so smoke, its piling out of the microwave. 24:24 And the kids are doing this and I am thinking 24:26 I am just gonna go to my room for a minute, 24:29 you know, because I just have to. 24:30 And her daughter would come up and say mom. 24:32 mom, mom, and grab her face and turn her face 24:35 and she would still be looking at me. 24:38 Faced turned this way but eyes looking at me. 24:40 And I am thinking I just have to go to my room. 24:42 So I go to room. There's no door arm on the doors. 24:48 So you know, you've to come up here. 24:52 Some people think I am not just talking about you. 24:54 So anyhow-- so we got to my room. 24:56 There's no door nuts on the doors, 24:57 because you guys are fixing up the house. 24:59 That's right. And the kids are coming in 25:02 and jumping over me running around my bed jumping over me, 25:05 running around my bed, jumping over me, 25:07 running around my bed. 25:08 And she is not exaggerating with any of these. 25:10 No, no I am not-- you know, I am not exaggerating 25:12 because she is my friend. 25:13 But anyhow so I am thinking, I just pretend that I'm asleep. 25:19 Right, and so eventually the kids got tired because 25:21 I just really pretended I was asleep 25:24 and so they would go do something else. 25:26 And then I would like you, have to like you put 25:28 something in front of that door. 25:29 So I put everything I owned. The boxes of books. 25:31 The boxes of books. 25:33 Like suitcase and all that kind of stuff. 25:34 And then I would come out and all this craziness 25:37 will be going on and she would be talking to me 25:41 and when we talked it was really cool. 25:43 The conversation was cool, but it was all of this stuff 25:46 was going on and Danni really has a heart for ministry. 25:51 So she was like ah, I'd like you to pray for me, for ministry. 25:56 Clearly I was ready. I am like no. 26:00 I have to go to my room again. I have to go my room. 26:04 And I would jut be like, God, how do you tell someone. 26:08 You know, wow, you got to pay attention. 26:11 You know and I go to my room and come out 26:13 and she was like, you just started to get concern like, 26:16 you don't' want to pray for me for ministry, do you? 26:19 And I am like, I got to go to my room for a minute. 26:21 So I go to my room, I'm praying about stuff 26:23 and finally God says, sit down and just be honest with her. 26:26 And so I sat down, it was one of the hardest 26:29 conversations ever to hear. Yeah, for both of us I think. 26:33 So I sit down and I said, I would like to pray for you, 26:36 but I would like to pray for you as a mother. 26:38 Do you know what I mean? 26:40 To be anointed as a mother, because I feel like my mom 26:44 is very disconnected from me. 26:45 Very--I never had that kind of connection, 26:49 she never saw me and I feel like when I look 26:51 at your daughter the same thing is happening. 26:53 And it just hurts me. And so I would like to pray for that. 26:56 And in your reaction it was intense 26:59 I could see it all over your face and body. 27:01 Yeah, it was probably the hardest thing 27:03 I have ever heard apart from 27:05 when I was told that my baby had died. 27:07 But little things just sort of flash before me 27:10 and I knew I had a choice. 27:13 I could either choose to heal or choose to stay in my damage. 27:18 But I have that realization all of a sudden that 27:21 this was my damage as a child. 27:24 I'm now damaging Cheri because I am tricking all her stuff. 27:27 But not only that even worse he said 27:29 I've now become perpetrator of that same damage of my kids. 27:34 And-- So we prayed about that and now you can sit down. 27:40 Yeah. That's okay. 27:42 So, okay, we prayed about that 27:44 and it was such a moment because I think 27:46 that I thought the same thing. 27:48 She had a choice to even kick me out 27:49 of her house, to be done. 27:51 I am done with you. 27:52 You know it's really tough to tell 27:55 someone about their parenting. 27:56 It's really tough to get into somebody's life that personal. 27:59 Lot of times people won't give you permission. 28:01 But anyhow, so we actually got through that, 28:04 prayed through that, connected thought that, 28:08 and then I had to get ready for a gig 'cause the whole time 28:10 I am speaking you know and so I am kind of exhausted, 28:13 because all of this craziness is going around. 28:15 And now, you know, I am gonna get ready 28:19 and I go into the bathroom and I am just getting ready-- 28:23 and all of the sudden God tells me through 28:25 the Holy Spirit, that your mom had five kids, 28:29 and no one to support her. 28:31 She disassociated with five kids. 28:34 You know, I want you to get a sense when you watch, 28:37 what's happening here? 28:38 I want you to think about what happened with your own mother. 28:42 You know, and all of the sudden 28:43 I saw my mom in a totally different way. 28:46 I almost broke for her. 28:47 You know, when she had to disassociate. 28:49 When she had a pull away, we're just to survive. 28:52 She learned that from her mom and so I think that God used, 28:55 not used you know just heal both of us in such an incredible way 29:00 that I was able to have such empathy 29:03 for my mom in a different way. 29:05 I couldn't wait to ask her, you know, 29:08 for her to forgive me. 29:10 You know, can God give me an incredible opportunity 29:13 with my mom is to look at what I demanded from her 29:20 over the years as a little kid so needy, 29:24 and what she couldn't give me. 29:26 And how much shame and emotional damage that caused for her. 29:31 Does that make sense? 29:32 You know, what I mean because I have always 29:34 thought about the emotional damage 29:35 that my stuff was but I never thought 29:39 about what happened with her? 29:41 And every time she saw me wanted to be hugged 29:43 and loved and all that kind of stuff. 29:45 But she did with that for herself. 29:46 I mean it really trashed her. 29:48 So I think that was so amazing for me. 29:50 So today we're gonna be talking about, 29:52 we're gonna talk about what I have learned about 29:54 forgiveness and I had to learn I wanted--so any of that. 29:59 So to me I think forgiveness and everything that we talk 30:02 about in recovery, every thing we talk about as a church. 30:04 Everything that we talk about and all that kind of stuff 30:07 everything comes down to this. 30:10 Every single thing comes down to this. 30:12 My husband decided, I told you 30:13 he was not a Christian for a long time. 30:18 You know, I mean a long time. 30:19 Does anybody has, anybody been married to a non-Christian? 30:22 You pray for like years and years and years, 30:24 it's just tough, you know, but he wasn't a Christian 30:27 for a long time and just now recently 30:30 looking at all that and stepping into all that. 30:33 Sometimes it's really great, sometimes it's not, 30:35 I mean, all that kind of stuff. 30:36 But he starts looking at his stuff 30:38 and he's healing and we find out. 30:43 I mean, how do I--if he was here he would tell you this. 30:45 But it's kind of intense but we found out 30:50 that his father had a sexual addiction. 30:54 His grandfather had a sexual addiction 30:57 and my husband stepped into a sexual addiction very early. 31:00 You know, when I met him I thought 31:01 you know he's perfect, he's a boy scout. 31:03 He's mom is a violinists. 31:05 His dad is an ambassador for the United States to Bangladesh. 31:09 I mean, they have this incredible life or whatever, 31:11 but all of a sudden his stuff started coming out. 31:14 And his stuff started coming out in ways 31:16 that I have been damaged, right? 31:18 And so as we're dealing with that he's trying to share 31:22 with me some of that kind of stuff. 31:23 His main issues are pride and arrogance. 31:26 Raise your hand if you understand that one. 31:28 You know, what's really interesting to me 31:30 is that pride and arrogance looks intense. 31:34 I like that service like raise your hand, come on. 31:37 So pride and arrogance is really intense 31:39 but it feels so right to the person that has it. 31:43 "I just have a high standard." Anybody? 31:47 You know its just I have high standard or whatever 31:49 I just, you know, I worked for what I-- 31:51 you know its whatever until he started realizing that 31:54 his was pride and arrogance. 31:55 He's so arrogant. 31:57 It's so funny that he has to have control over everything, 32:01 because he's only one that will do it right. 32:04 And so we were in counseling one time. 32:06 I had love--I can't even look at you guys it's so funny. 32:09 Everybody's looking at their 32:10 husband and looking at their wife. 32:11 But anyhow so, we're in counseling one time 32:14 and the counselor asked me or the pastor asked me. 32:17 So, what do you mean that, 32:20 you don't think He really hears you? 32:22 And I am thinking, every year for my birthday 32:26 we go to the state fair, every year. 32:30 He is an incredible musician, 32:31 so he get to gig at the state fair. 32:33 So he even gets paid to go which pays for a day. 32:36 You know, and some people say that's brilliant. 32:39 The only problem in this whole thing is I hate the state fair. 32:44 And it's my birthday, right? 32:46 And I tell him every year, I hate the state fair. 32:49 There's nothing about it I like. 32:51 I get motion sick, when they put me on a ride. 32:54 You know, I am not allowed to spend-- 32:57 so all of those kind of booze where you get to buy 32:59 everything on the planet by the mix 33:01 and you know whatever else is for sale. 33:03 I can't go into because you know we don't' have the money. 33:06 And if I go in I'm gonna buy something 33:08 then we have to have that discussion. 33:09 So I mean nothing about that is pleasant. 33:12 And you know, I can't go see 33:14 the arts and crafts stuff but he hates that. 33:17 So there is nothing that ever works. 33:18 But I've been going for 11 years straight, straight. 33:23 And I am thinking, you know, 33:25 so that makes me feel like he doesn't hear me. 33:28 And all of a sudden because Brad is now in, 33:31 doing his recovering. He looks at me with tears. 33:36 "You don't like the state fair?" 33:39 Really you just got that? and you know its just like 33:42 so funny but it was-- so we're having to deal with 33:44 forgiveness and all that kind of stuff. 33:46 He molested somebody when he was young, 33:51 when he was a child too. 33:54 And he had to share that with me. 33:57 The moment he shared that with me, I just was stunned. 34:02 Because I thought, man, 34:05 you know, how do I respond to this. 34:10 You know, he has told me about sexual addictions, 34:13 told me about, I mean, 34:14 he was just wild as far as girlfriends 34:17 and women and college and all that kind of stuff. 34:19 You know, during that time, when he was growing up 34:21 there was a lot of people just had relationships, 34:24 he didn't think about that. 34:26 He is not Christian, so I mean, 34:27 he's sharing with me all the stuff. 34:28 I'm forgiving him, forgiving him. 34:30 But that was the hardest one because 34:31 I think that's my damage. 34:33 And I remember God just saying, you know, 34:36 "I want you to remember every single thing 34:39 I forgave you for, every single thing. 34:42 And right now the next thing you say, 34:45 is gonna be one of the most 34:46 important things you'll ever say." 34:49 And I just almost couldn't say it. I forgive you. 34:54 And I watched him just kind of be 34:57 able to for the first time take that shame. 35:00 And I don't know what people carry in their life, 35:02 but sometimes we carry stuff that we don't want 35:03 anyone to know about us, about what we've done 35:06 or how we've acted out. 35:07 But he was allowed to because he said it 35:09 out loud to me and I was as his wife said I forgive you. 35:14 He knew God had forgiven him. 35:16 Now his wife is forgiving him and now he has permission 35:18 to walk into recovery in a different way. 35:20 But I could have changed that whole thing. 35:24 I can't stay with you. 35:26 You are everything I have run from my whole life. 35:28 Do you hear what I am saying? And it was just a huge thing. 35:31 So we gonna look at not only God's forgiveness of us, 35:35 but our forgiveness of the people around us. 35:37 If we are truly asking them to be real with us, 35:40 man, sometimes that's the hardest thing. 35:43 You know, have you told Kerrie 35:45 everything that you've done, Jamie. 35:47 Don't lie to me. Oh, she knows all right. 35:51 But you know it's really tough and then for Kerrie 35:54 to turn around to say to Jamie and I forgive you, right? 35:58 So we're gonna look at some of the stuff 36:00 and we've to look at it in a way that this is oh, 36:03 this is a friend of mine did this picture. 36:05 I just put it in because I like it. 36:08 So its, you know, what happened to your hand because of what 36:11 Christ did we have permission to heal. 36:16 And I want you to think about that. 36:17 And so all of us should really look at 36:20 what happened to His hand? 36:21 What did his death mean? What did He give to us? 36:24 And sometimes we-- because we memorized 36:27 verses so long and we kind of done 36:29 the whole church things so long 36:30 that we just forget how incredible all of this is. 36:36 One of the clearest ways and I am just gonna read this. 36:38 One of the clearest ways to understand forgiveness 36:40 is to study how God chooses to forgive us. 36:43 Our sins stand in the way of our relationship with God. 36:46 Without his forgiveness, 36:47 who would be eternally condemned. 36:49 And I have to look at that is that, 36:51 God has totally completely looked at every single thing 36:56 that I put on the table and I wish I could tell you 36:59 some of those things because they're shameful intense. 37:03 There was no way that God should forgive 37:05 and when I stumble over 37:06 some of the character stuff even today. 37:09 Man, I can turn around and say, 37:10 man, I didn't even know it was still happening. 37:12 I didn't know I still had some of that stuff. 37:14 And I am sorry and it's not obvious stuff anymore. 37:17 You know, it's like I chose to be 37:19 a little manipulated divorcee, a little. 37:23 That's a lie, a lot manipulated. 37:24 But you know what I mean that but I have even 37:26 stumbling around, God will show 37:28 how we're gonna heal from that. 37:30 How we're gonna look at that? How we gonna do that? 37:31 In every single thing He's so incredible about. 37:35 God virtually shares his desire to forgive us. 37:38 I will forgive there iniquity and I remember 37:40 and no more will I pardon them abundantly. 37:42 Now I love this next one. 37:43 God chooses to focus on His desire to forgive us, right? 37:48 And that's His focus, His desire to forgive us 37:50 rather than our failures. 37:52 Does anybody hear that? 37:54 He looks at his heart not our sin. 37:59 He forgives us for His sake. And I am like shut up. 38:04 That is just the most amazing thing because 38:06 I think most of us feel like He looks at our sins, 38:09 our individual stuff, our junk, or whatever. 38:12 I used to think that He was in heaven just ticking boxes, 38:16 every time I messed up. 38:18 And I remember one time, He gives me this vision, 38:20 it was the most delightful vision, 38:22 not a vision because you know 38:24 people get crazy about that word. 38:26 He gives me an impression and that they don't have enough 38:31 pencils in heaven to do that. 38:34 That if they were ticking every box every time 38:38 we messed up you know, it would take the entire staff. 38:42 You know, what He ticks, what He checks, 38:47 is every time you feel the heart of God. 38:50 Every time you actually get it all of heaven wakes up. 38:53 I think she got it. 38:56 You know, I think she relaxed in a fact that I love her. 38:59 I think she has peace right now. 39:02 So it's not looking for our wrong behavior, 39:03 its looking for every single time we connect with God. 39:06 Every time that we can actually look 39:08 at this truth and know its truth. 39:10 Do you hear what I'm saying? It's not every time we mess up. 39:13 He knows we're gonna mess up. 39:16 Not that He wants us to but He knows. 39:18 God chooses to focus on His desire to forgive us 39:20 rather than to focus on our failures. 39:22 I even I, the one who wipes out your transgressions 39:26 for my own sake will not remember your sin. 39:30 And I'm like how cool is that? 39:32 As far as the east is from the west, 39:33 how we move our transgressions. 39:35 And I'm just thinking how cool is that? 39:38 There's nothing better about that. 39:41 So its right here, God chooses to love us 39:43 in spite of our failures and He provides redemption 39:46 from our sins through His son When we have 39:49 a bitter attitude towards another 39:50 we need to remember what we have done 39:52 and how we have been forgiven. 39:54 And what's really gonna be interesting about that. 39:56 I should just probably read it 39:58 because people are trying to read it. 39:59 We need to remember our sins we have committed and our debt 40:02 we owe to Christ for paying for our sins 40:04 through the death on the cross. 40:07 The reason we have to remember that 40:09 and you gonna hate this next part, 40:11 especially if you have a problem with forgiving, 40:13 because some of us have been hurt desperately, desperately. 40:19 I wrote, well, the ministry wrote a 14 week program 40:24 for the churches on recovery. 40:26 You know recovery groups 40:27 so that people can teach some of the staff. 40:30 And one of the weeks I have a friend on, 40:32 that her name is Joy. 40:34 And somebody a 14 year old kid came in and shot all her kids. 40:42 Four kids, you know, she was bowing with her husband 40:46 and the reason she was bowing with her husband 40:48 they needed a day off because their oldest girl 40:50 was dying of cancer and they have been 40:52 in the hospital with her for months. 40:54 And they just decided to take a day off go bowing. 40:59 The 12 year old was watching all other kids. 41:01 The youngest was probably 12 months old 41:03 and this kid walked in and then shot them in the face. 41:06 They came home from bowing 41:08 the police was surrounding their house. 41:12 And they were trying to deal with what just happened. 41:15 The police thought that they did it. 41:17 So they were taken in immediately to be interrogated, 41:20 they never got to see their children. 41:21 They never got to go back in there house 41:23 and they never got to see good bye. 41:25 And I don't know if she was a mother. 41:27 But Joy needed to just make sure 41:31 she said that my kids were all right. 41:32 Taking care of during this time 41:34 and they just didn't let her do that. 41:36 It took her 11 years to understand 41:39 what God was asking us to do in forgiveness. 41:44 I want you to forgive. 41:48 Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? 41:51 How could you forgive someone like that? 41:54 And the only way we can forgive 41:56 and some of those really thoughtful 41:58 deep places is to understand 42:00 the extent of what happened here. 42:03 You know God forgives us for his own sake. 42:06 He is asking you to honestly forgive 42:09 somebody for that same motive. 42:12 Not because they deserve it not 'cause we gonna reconcile, 42:15 some of those things are not even the issue. 42:17 And its really be simple, 42:19 that would be simple to understand this concept of, 42:21 you know, I'm staying at your house. 42:23 Incredible because I thank you for that, 42:25 but let's say that you let me use your car, 42:28 to run to the store and I total it. 42:31 I get in an accident, it's wrecked. 42:34 You decide asked me if I have insurance. 42:38 And I say, well, yeah I think so, 42:41 here is my insurance card. 42:43 You find out when you try to get the insurance to pay off 42:46 that my name isn't even Cheri. 42:49 I don't have insurance, I don't have anything. 42:51 I really don't have a ministry, 42:53 you know, and so you start taking me to court 42:55 and fighting that and trying to get your car paid off 42:57 and all that kind of stuff. 42:59 And after about five years, 43:00 have been lost in this stress and this drama. 43:03 What would be the smartest thing for her to do? 43:08 Fix her car, get on with her life. 43:10 And in a sense she pays my debt, 43:13 fixes the car and to get on with her life. 43:16 And in a forgiveness sense sometimes 43:18 it is that there is no way you're going to get 43:22 what you need from the other person and you-- 43:25 because what, Christ said to us, 43:27 is you just give it to him. 43:29 Surrender to him but you paid their debt. 43:33 I am going to pay your debt for you. 43:36 I am gonna fix a car for you, I'm gonna let it go. 43:40 I had an addict ripped me off for about $1000 and God said, 43:43 forgive them, tell them you forgive them and let it go. 43:47 Everybody yelled at me. 43:49 But man that gave me such peace, 43:50 I didn't have to deal with that anymore 43:52 and forgiveness on any level 43:54 is going to give that kind of stuff 43:56 but some of the levels are pretty tough. 43:58 Forgiveness one of the things on this right here, 44:00 on this chart, is that God, 44:03 the death of Christ sets us free, right? 44:05 Totally sets us free and if I don't accept that 44:11 I keep my own sin and my own addictions. 44:14 If I accept the blood of Christ I can surrender that to Him. 44:16 I can say, okay, I get it. 44:18 You know, what you did set me free 44:20 and even though I may not know what to do with the next step. 44:23 I am gonna-- I have faith in that, right. 44:25 That if I don't, I accept my own stuff. 44:28 I have the anger, the bitterness 44:30 and all that kind of stuff stays with me. 44:31 Then next chart I think is incredible 44:33 because your forgiveness of another person 44:36 assuming the personal responsibility 44:38 of the other person of taking that on. 44:41 Okay, I get it and I'll just take that on myself. 44:44 Is that you're dying to self and justice that you have. 44:48 My father molested me since I was three months old. 44:52 When God said that forgive him. I was juts like. 44:54 Oh, stop there's no way. There's no way. 44:57 I found baby shoe of my dad. 45:01 And God said forgive him as a him as a baby. 45:04 And he really does in a sense owe me a debt. 45:09 Who would I have been if I had a father that loved me, right? 45:12 Who would I have been if I could run in a room as a little girl 45:15 and troll around and have my dad say you're lovely. 45:19 And throw me up in the air, kiss me on the face 45:22 and whatever and have that just be incredible. 45:25 The debt he owes me is that I will never know that. 45:28 I will never have that. So it's not a small debt. 45:31 But the only way I am gonna be able to forgive him 45:34 is to pay that debt myself. 45:36 Okay, I will take responsibility 45:37 for that and I am gonna show you 45:40 how I think God taught me that concept 45:43 but it's just like I have to die to myself to do that. 45:46 And I have to have faith in what God says to be able to do that. 45:49 And if I don't try to myself I am left with 45:52 and this is important resentment anger, 45:55 bitterness and un-forgiveness. 45:57 Do you hear what I am saying? I am left with that. 45:59 My whole life that will come out in all kinds of different ways 46:03 and nobody else will be able to read it. 46:04 Like Kerrie I can sit in the church and look great. 46:07 But I am gonna have that stuff to deal with. 46:10 God is saying you don't have to have that stuff. 46:12 You die to yourself forgive them and you're free. 46:18 The concept--I'll just go forbearance in a brief way 46:23 is when you forbear for someone, 46:25 when God forebears for us 46:27 as he overlooks our ignorance at times. 46:30 Where actually now we're doing all kinds of stuff, 46:32 I could use Jamie as an example. 46:36 We're acting I was doing all kinds of stuff 46:37 and God really for a while overlooks our ignorance 46:41 and our sin and all that kind of stuff. 46:42 And it says, in Roman 4:2, 46:44 "Don't despise God for doing that." 46:46 'Cause that leads to repentance. 46:48 You know, he has reason for that. 46:50 And its to draw people back 46:52 and its just like God is so delightful in all that. 46:55 But anyhow so I am gonna look at the process of forgiveness 46:57 and I am gonna use this chart 46:59 because this chart made sense to me 47:00 when somebody used that for me. 47:01 I want this block of this block to represent 47:06 everything that anything that you have dealt with. 47:09 You know and I am gonna put some of my stuff, 47:11 abandonment, physical abuse, 47:13 sexual abuse, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction. 47:17 You could put divorce, you can put adultery, 47:19 you could put whatever. 47:21 So that block represents that. 47:23 And lets say right now it's gonna represent 47:25 the molestation from my father. 47:30 So it represents molestation from my father. 47:32 I am as a Christian going to start to say okay, 47:36 I forgive my father for molesting me, right? 47:39 Okay, should be done. 47:42 You know, I am not gonna reconcile with him 47:44 because like I said and I told you 47:45 my dad died in a crack house molesting kids. 47:47 He never did heal. 47:48 So its not reconciliation is just I am gonna forgive. 47:51 And I go on and I am thinking okay my life should change. 47:55 I am still picking bad relationships, 47:57 I am still depressed, 47:58 I'm still having all that junk. What happened 48:01 because I don't feel healed but I forgave him. 48:03 So may be I just didn't forgive him properly. 48:06 May be I didn't get on my knees, okay. 48:09 I forgive my dad for molesting me 48:12 and God I mean it and I cry and all that kind stuff, 48:16 and I am-I get it and it's like okay. 48:19 And so now few months or days go by 48:25 and I am still acting out on the same way. 48:29 May be I should have studied first. 48:32 Okay, so now I study about forgiveness 48:36 and then you know and I do it all kind of different ways. 48:43 But I keep going to this event, this thing that happened. 48:48 But I am gonna tell you 48:49 what's really interesting about this thing 48:51 that happened is that Satan set up 48:53 schemes in my life with that molest. 48:57 You know when the Bible says, 48:58 fight against the schemes of the devil. 49:01 It doesn't say fight against the devil. 49:02 So what are the schemes? 49:05 Does you know and I am gonna tell you 49:06 what I think and I could be totally wrong, 49:08 this is just what I think? 49:10 Is that the event happens the molestations happens, 49:13 the divorce happens, the rape happens, 49:16 whatever and the next thing it happens is like I feel angry. 49:20 I feel worthless, I feel bitter. 49:24 I'm picking bad relationships. 49:26 I'm trying drugs, I'm drinking, 49:27 I'm getting into a sexual addiction 49:29 but every one of these things now represents something 49:34 that happens because of that event. 49:36 Do you hear what I'm saying, 49:37 does that makes sense? 49:39 And you can list your own things. 49:40 You know I am insecure. 49:42 I feel like nobody can be trusted. 49:44 I don't get into relationships well 49:46 and I mean all of that kind stuff sort of happening. 49:49 So I am gonna ask you whose fault is that first one? 49:58 Don't be shy, whose fault do you think? 50:01 The perpetuator my dad. 50:03 Clear, I mean you can go all the way back 50:05 into a spiritual sense and its same, 50:07 it's the devil but I am not going back that far. 50:10 This is my dad's fault. Whose fault is this? 50:14 Absolutely, absolutely my fault, 50:18 I that my dad is not even alive anymore. 50:21 And yet I walk every day with all of those believes. 50:25 I work everyday telling myself all of that stuff. 50:28 And what God is saying is forgiveness means 50:31 we're gonna look at this stuff, 50:33 but we also have to look at all of this 50:36 and I am gonna ask you to surrender all of that 50:39 because you become your own perpetrator. 50:43 It's just the saddest reality I think that I have ever had. 50:47 Is that that's the issue. 50:49 You know, I am not being molested any more. 50:51 Do you hear what I am saying? I am not in there anymore. 50:53 But man I believe this everyday. 50:57 So now what I had like to look at 51:01 is I believe one of the things that helped me a lot. 51:05 And nobody said-- everybody has formula, 51:07 I don't think anything is a formula 51:09 this is just one that worked for me. 51:10 And I just want to show you so I can teach 51:13 this concept and see what you think. 51:15 Is that forgiveness is very costly. 51:17 It costs God everything. 51:20 But God is saying the same thing to us. 51:22 Forgiveness is very costly, it's gonna cost you everything. 51:26 When Joy decided to forgive Billy, 51:30 she couldn't even believe it. 51:31 When I decided to forgive my father I couldn't even do it. 51:34 I had to look at a baby shoe, 51:35 and say I forgive you as a baby for everything 51:38 that will happen to you in your life 51:40 that will get you to molest your own children. 51:42 I couldn't even see him as my father or a man yet. 51:44 I had to see him as a little baby 51:46 and just say okay, God I get it in that sense. 51:48 That's a best I can do right now 51:49 until God taught me how to do that. 51:51 My mom I had to forgive her as a three-year-old. 51:54 For whatever happened in your life 51:56 that you could never love me. 51:57 It was easy when I saw what happened with Danny 51:59 and her children to forgive for even on a deeper level. 52:03 But God says forgiveness is costly, 52:05 it will cost you everything, it costs God everything, 52:08 and we do it in a very superficial way. 52:10 We do it with an event. 52:13 It's bigger than this event. You have schemes. 52:17 The Bible says, I am stronghold. 52:19 What's the stronghold, anybody know? 52:22 You know stronghold that's really interesting to me 52:24 is that that what is so stronghold 52:27 is like a fortress whatever. 52:29 And I think the devil hides behind some of the fortresses, 52:32 the strongholds in our mind. 52:34 And somebody said to me 52:36 what is a strong hold built off do you think? 52:39 And I am thinking, no I am not sure. 52:41 What if its build over every lie 52:43 every lie that you ever believed. 52:45 What if it this stronghold is build of this stuff? 52:49 So I am physically building strongholds for lies 52:55 to the devil to hide behind to kind of make porch offs of me. 52:59 And nobody can build it, but me and I am building that. 53:02 And God is saying give that to me, 53:03 give all of that to me. 53:04 Deal with the forgiveness. 53:06 So what I did was I listed 53:07 different people in my life that have hurt me. 53:11 And just said a prayer. You can say any kind of prayer. 53:15 Any position on your knees 53:19 standing up by your bed whatever. 53:21 But the prayer I said was Lord, 53:23 I choose to forgive my father for molesting me 53:26 causing me to feel unworthy, 53:28 unloved, angry, hopeless, afraid, 53:33 you know afraid to be in my own skin. 53:35 I am all of that kind of stuff not able to connect 53:38 really where I could put on mask after mask after mask 53:41 but nobody ever knows me and all that kind of stuff. 53:43 I forgive my father for that. 53:45 And I am willing to pay for the emotional pain 53:47 and consequences that he has caused me. 53:50 And I ask you to break any stronghold and scheme in my life 53:53 that the devil has set up. Just take those down. 53:57 And do you see what I think 53:59 is really important in this statement. 54:01 Stronghold scheme that the devil set up in my life 54:04 because of my anger and unforgiveness. 54:08 I am not going back to the event not because of the molest. 54:12 Does anybody hear what I am saying. 54:14 Because the injury is no longer because of the molest. 54:16 The injury is there because of the anger. 54:20 The injury is there because for the unforgiveness. 54:23 And I ask you Lord to take back the ground 54:25 that I gave to the enemy who gave to the enemy, 54:30 I gave to the enemy because of my bitterness. 54:33 Take back that ground. 54:35 The Bible says, I will restore 54:36 what the locust has destroyed all of that kind of stuff. 54:38 And so I am really talking about those scriptures in this prayer. 54:43 And I yield that ground to your control. 54:47 So it's almost like I had a covenant 54:48 over here with a devil himself 54:51 because of the anger, because of the heart, 54:53 because of the bitterness and unforgiveness, 54:54 because of the molest, because of the injury, 54:57 and I have covenanted with the enemy 54:59 and it's a legal covenant. 55:01 If God you know the person that taught me 55:03 some of this stuff as an attorney. 55:04 And he said, if God chooses to step into an area 55:07 that you're holding on to unforgiveness 55:09 and bitterness and anger. 55:11 It's called the criminal interference on his part, 55:14 because I have covenant with the devil. 55:16 I have given him permission. 55:18 The devil could stand up and say you know 55:19 what she gave me this ground. 55:21 She gave me permission in her anger in her fear whatever. 55:24 This is mine and its almost like saying God, 55:28 I would like to, I would like to break that. 55:32 You know I know that you died to take all this. 55:38 Take it and what's really interesting to me 55:41 as soon as I got a visual of that-- 55:44 that God wants to take it, 55:45 He wants us to surrender all that. 55:47 He wants us to give them all of that kind of junk 55:50 that we believed because of our injuries. 55:52 All of that stuff that I lied 55:54 to myself on a daily basis, He wants to-- 55:57 He said I died for all of that give me all of that. 55:59 And soon as you actually do it in a honest way, 56:02 you're set free. It's just ridiculous, 56:04 because what if the Bible is true? 56:08 I just love that, so what I wanna encourage you 56:11 in any kind of recovery, in any kind of journey 56:14 that you're on, that when Christ taught us how to do it. 56:17 One of things that He taught us 56:19 clearly is the concept of forgiveness. 56:22 Don't ever think of that in a superficial way. 56:25 Don't ever think of that as something 56:27 that is just kind of a memory verse to say 56:32 you've to look at how He forgave us, 56:34 the extent that heaven went to |
Revised 2014-12-17