Participants: Seth Yelorda (Host), Alfonzo Greene, Lola Moore, Michael Kelley, Michael Polite
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000005
00:40 Welcome to Pure Choices.
00:41 I'm so glad you decided to join us
00:43 for another episode today
00:45 where we're discussing some hot, hot, topics.
00:47 I got my people here with me again
00:49 and we're excited about today's topic
00:51 where we'll be diving into understanding
00:54 and discussing, how far is too far in the dating room.
00:56 You don't want to miss this,
00:58 so please stay tuned for this thing.
00:59 Let me introduce you real quick to who we have.
01:01 Again, we have one of my friends
01:03 Pastor Alfonzo Greene,
01:05 who is at the First Church in Huntsville, Alabama.
01:07 We have Pastor Michael Polite,
01:09 who's at Riverside SDA Church in Nashville.
01:13 We have my sister who is here from Huntsville,
01:15 Oakwood University, church Pastor Lola Moore.
01:18 And we have my brother, Michael B. Kelley
01:21 who is joining us all the way from Riverside,
01:23 California at the Mt. Rubidoux SDA Church.
01:26 And I'm glad that you all are back with us again.
01:28 We were having some good conversation
01:31 and I know today we gonna get right back into it.
01:33 So we're not gonna waste any time.
01:34 We want to take this thing straight from the head,
01:36 we want to start straight from the head,
01:38 just be honest with people.
01:39 We're dealing with the topic today
01:41 how far is too far?
01:42 And we thought it was a good idea
01:44 rather than us talking about it here.
01:46 We wanna get some feedback from the people on campuses
01:49 so we're actually here alive at Oakwood University campus.
01:52 And we will take it to the streets,
01:53 to the streets, to the cafeteria.
01:56 And then we gonna let them tell us
01:59 how far they think is too far.
02:00 Your box take it away, how far is too far?
02:04 Hey, what's up you guys?
02:05 We're here at Oakwood University
02:07 and I'm reporting for Pure Choices.
02:09 Now the question for the day is how far is too far?
02:13 And no, I do not mean location.
02:15 I'm talking about physically, let's find out.
02:17 When you start compromising.
02:24 When she says, no means no.
02:25 How far is too far?
02:27 I think it all depends on the relationship.
02:29 It depends on boundaries.
02:32 Hey, how far is too far?
02:35 It is as far as the girl makes it.
02:37 If she lets me get somewhere, that's how far it gets.
02:40 How far is too far depends on the person.
02:42 I can only say your maturity level, I guess,
02:46 and how your relationship is with the person.
02:48 So people can handle tongue kissing.
02:50 Sometimes people are like, "I can handle just holding you,
02:52 or just kissing you."
02:53 But to another person that's just a beginning
02:55 of just the control and utter breakdown.
02:57 How far is too far in a relationship
02:59 as in physical?
03:02 What's the question?
03:03 How far is too far in a relationship
03:05 as in physical?
03:07 I think you reach the point of going too far
03:10 when you feel as though
03:11 you can't bring your relationship to God.
03:14 I think if we're honest with ourselves,
03:16 we'll know that kissing and groping is wrong.
03:19 For me I think that, you know,
03:22 it's okay to show affection as in,
03:25 you know, maybe holding hands or,
03:27 you know, hugging.
03:29 But I do believe that physical contact beyond that,
03:33 it's promoting sexual activity.
03:36 I don't think there's anything wrong with kissing
03:38 but other things.
03:41 You say you're not going to have sex in a relationship
03:44 and you consider sex penetration,
03:46 you cannot set your goal, your boundary there.
03:50 It has to be set further back because that means
03:52 everything underneath that is open.
03:55 Well, let me tell you how far is too far.
03:57 Listen, now if you're sitting in the car
03:59 and you're overlooking a CD
04:01 and the lady tries to touch all over you,
04:02 and the man tries to go, you know, under the skirt,
04:05 tries to go there, that's a little bit too far.
04:06 You only ask for a movie and he's trying to get a movie
04:09 and a popcorn, the only thing you've paid for was the movie.
04:11 Can't get enough for free, I think that's too far.
04:13 From a Christian perspective, anything that lead,
04:16 that's gonna lead to sex is too far but, you know,
04:19 anything you can do.
04:21 I mean, this, you know, can lead to something.
04:24 So I mean, the question, you know,
04:26 kind of can be answered
04:28 unless you know your own limits.
04:30 Well, in the physical aspect, in a romantic relationship,
04:34 if you ain't married you shouldn't be groping,
04:37 dry humping, all that kind of stuff.
04:42 No sex,
04:46 no so called oral stuff, yeah.
04:50 That's too far.
04:53 Y'all, there it is.
04:56 We got a mixed bag out there, what do you all think?
04:58 How far is too far?
04:59 We got a mixed bag in here.
05:02 All right. Let's talk about it.
05:05 When it comes to the dating element
05:07 you know, 14, 15, 16, 21, 22, let's just say
05:11 anywhere from not married on now, you know,
05:14 how far is too far?
05:16 I think what we have to do before
05:17 we really get to how far is too far
05:19 is I think we really have to figure out
05:20 what's the purpose of dating
05:22 like what is the end goal in dating?
05:26 I don't think...
05:28 I think we have to figure out,
05:29 "Okay, why am I doing what I'm doing."
05:31 Then I can understand if how far is too far
05:34 will effect that end goal that I'm supposed to get,
05:37 you know where I'm getting.
05:38 Does that make sense? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:40 Do you think people will think about that though?
05:42 I mean, honestly when someone goes
05:43 into the dating realm, they actually think,
05:46 "What's the purpose of this?"
05:48 You know, I'm saying like honestly,
05:50 when I'm thinking, when I was 16, 17,
05:51 I'm not thinking I'm dating this person
05:54 for any particular reasons.
05:55 Ya, she's cute, I think I'm cute, you know,
05:58 we'll be cute together.
05:59 I like her, let us go.
06:01 But I think if you define the purpose
06:04 and what it is then I might find that
06:06 what I'm doing at 16 and 17
06:08 actually isn't classified as dating.
06:10 Okay. Okay, I'm with you. You know what I'm saying.
06:12 I might say if the purpose lets say of dating
06:15 is to prepare me for marriage
06:17 and then I say at 14 I'm dating,
06:20 I'm saying so at 14 I'm preparing,
06:23 you know what I'm saying
06:24 intentionally in that way for marriage.
06:26 So I think we got to figure out like,
06:28 what is it that dating does do, what it's supposed to do.
06:33 And then when I figured that out then,
06:35 okay, at this particular stage in my life
06:38 if that's what dating is, can that apply to where I am?
06:41 So let me ask this question.
06:42 Do you really, do you think along those lines,
06:44 do you think that dating...
06:46 Two things, there's two categories,
06:47 there's those people who believe that dating is,
06:50 should be exclusively done to prepare you for marriage,
06:53 otherwise they would call it, what's the word, courtship.
06:55 Courtship. Yeah, courtship.
06:57 But then there is another camp which says that,
06:59 "Yo, you should date, just date around," you know,
07:01 get to know people, go out, date, you know,
07:03 be exclusive, you know, figure out who they are,
07:06 figure out who you are even if you have no intentions
07:09 on getting married right away
07:10 or even marrying that person you should still date."
07:13 What category do you all fall in here,
07:15 what do you all think?
07:16 Well, I mean, for me I kind of think that
07:17 when we're dealing with high school students like,
07:19 you know, dealing from 14 to 18,
07:22 I just don't think that's really the season
07:24 for exclusive dating as far as the way
07:28 that we classify dating.
07:29 I think this isn't the time for you to make friends,
07:31 get an opportunity get to know different people
07:33 because you're really at that stage in life,
07:36 that season of life,
07:37 you really just kind of learning who you are,
07:39 you're kind of trying to find out who you are
07:40 and you just need to just try to...
07:42 That just means, there needs to be no pressure really,
07:44 you know, where you just got to kind of try to do
07:46 something with somebody else.
07:47 This is my opinion, I think that at that time
07:49 you just need to try and make friends.
07:50 So, from 14 to let's say 18 high school...
07:54 Let's just go even a further back
07:55 from high school, let's say sixth grade
07:56 'cause you know, people starting young now.
07:58 So let's say from sixth grade to senior year in high school,
08:01 during that period you are of the mind
08:03 that you just need to be just friends,
08:05 just go out, hang out...
08:06 Hang out with as many cats, just make your friends, yeah.
08:09 No, nothing exclusive, this is not my girl, you know,
08:12 this is not my boy, you know, we're just, we're just cool.
08:15 I gotta admit I'm not there.
08:17 I'm not there from the standpoint of...
08:21 When romance becomes important,
08:23 it's during that exact age group
08:26 and I'm feeling like sixth grade to twelfth grade
08:30 this romance thing is becoming important to me,
08:33 so I'm going to have a romantic interest for sure.
08:37 I will not be able to keep everything platonic
08:40 to where I see this girl just like I see this girl.
08:42 No, I'm gonna have a crush on somebody,
08:44 so how can I experience my crush,
08:48 my romantic interest and yet not go overboard
08:52 to where I've gone too far.
08:54 Well, I mean, why do you experience that though
08:55 because I think part of the media
08:57 and part of like, we talked in earlier episode,
08:59 part of I think the messages that are put out there,
09:01 is this is what you should be doing at this age.
09:05 Not necessarily.
09:06 Is it really only the media or we already established,
09:10 we're sexual beings.
09:11 We established, we're romantic beings,
09:13 you know, set up for that
09:15 because animals don't need to set a tone,
09:17 they just, you know, go and do their thing.
09:19 But us, we have and created for romantic feelings...
09:23 Yeah, but, I think... You know, those things so...
09:24 It's called puberty. Yeah, you're right.
09:26 When puberty hits you... In fact it's not just of...
09:28 The trigger is on.
09:29 It's not just the media I don't think that makes us
09:30 have the crushes, you know.
09:32 Okay. Right.
09:33 And my question would be, do I really at 12 or at 13
09:37 have the emotional maturity to be able to do
09:40 what I'm supposed to do with the feelings,
09:42 with all of the hormones that are coming up when I'm 12.
09:45 Do I really have the infrastructure
09:47 to be able to say no when I'm supposed to say no
09:50 and say yes when I'm supposed to say yes at that time?
09:53 And I really don't think so.
09:54 I really don't think that we're emotionally prepared
09:57 to carry on a responsible relationship
10:00 at that time.
10:01 Okay, Mom, so tell me then, Mom, tell me.
10:04 I'm in puberty... Yes.
10:06 I'm starting to feel this connection,
10:08 girls no longer have cooties all that good stuff,
10:11 how do I express that natural biology in me
10:15 that start into trigger and whelm up.
10:19 How do I express that?
10:20 And I think that we as a community
10:23 have to be better about creating atmospheres
10:27 for young people to experience one another but in safe ways.
10:32 And I'm thinking that there's some...
10:34 An evangelical groups that are very intentional
10:37 about walking their children through these times
10:41 and giving them the tools
10:43 to be able to be responsible at those times.
10:46 Keeping the goal before them because I don't really think
10:49 that we are able to establish our goal
10:51 for ourselves is something that someone
10:53 who is responsible over us needs to put out there,
10:58 "You are going to get married one day."
11:00 And the question for me would be
11:01 in this whole conversation,
11:03 will my husband feel cool with me
11:06 doing with this other guy,
11:07 you know, if my husband were standing
11:09 in the room as I have...
11:11 Future husband.
11:12 Well, I'm saying, you know, my future...
11:13 Because the goal I believe is marriage.
11:16 If my husband were in the room with me with us right now,
11:19 we're 12, we're 13,
11:20 will my husband feel cool with...
11:21 Or 14, 15, 16. Yeah, and all the way up.
11:24 But yeah, now I definitely agree
11:25 with that principle, however I'm gonna be real with that.
11:29 At 14, 16... Not thinking about husband.
11:31 Well, even if I am, I might even say,
11:33 "Oh, he'd be cool with that," because you know what I mean
11:35 because I don't even understand...
11:37 He's probably doing something to himself.
11:38 He probably, yeah, he might, you know,
11:39 they're appropriating it. Right.
11:41 But I think that's a great, that's a great principle.
11:42 I think the thing that we have to be able to say
11:44 because I love the idea of, the problem,
11:46 I think the biggest problem when we get into
11:48 the how far is too far is exclusivity.
11:50 They're completely locked into one person.
11:53 I think what Mike is trying to say is,
11:56 okay, even though while we're saying be friends,
11:59 what I have to deal with is, yeah, I'm cool being friends,
12:02 not locked up with one person,
12:03 but there is something special about this one...
12:05 This one, right.
12:07 I've got just, I like her or I like him and so,
12:10 can I still maintain the idea of being friends
12:15 not be exclusive just because I have a romantic feeling,
12:17 and I think that's would be a problem.
12:19 I want to be friends but there's something,
12:20 something there.
12:22 You know, I would take what Lola is saying
12:23 even stuff further, when you're 14, 15, 16
12:25 like you said puberty is like in full bloom
12:28 and you're starting to feel these feelings,
12:29 I would say is now the time, is now the appropriate time
12:33 with appropriate season like Alfonzo said,
12:35 to be expressing romantic feelings
12:36 to someone else.
12:38 You know, I'll never forget when I was like, 16, 17
12:39 when I went all out for my girlfriend,
12:41 brought her like a watch, some clothes,
12:43 I even went and bought her a real live kitten, you know,
12:46 she wanted a cat.
12:47 A real one or a stuffed one? No, a real kitten.
12:49 There you were whipped like that man.
12:50 No, I brought her kitten.
12:52 Yo, I was in love man, 16, 17 years old.
12:53 Nice man.
12:55 But you know, I got to the point
12:56 where my dad stepped in, my dad was like,
12:58 "Yo, Seth, you're going too far,
12:59 like, it's not, you're not there yet..."
13:00 Thank you. Thank you, dad. "You're not there."
13:02 Yeah, thank you dad. "You're not there yet.
13:03 You shouldn't be like going all out at this age.
13:05 What you're supposed to be doing right now
13:06 is just really developing a strong friendship.
13:09 It doesn't need to be this exclusive.
13:10 This is my girl, that's my boy but just,
13:13 you know, we're just beginning to know people."
13:14 And I really believe that during that high school period,
13:17 like you should not be concerned about this,
13:18 I need a boyfriend or I need a girlfriend.
13:20 No, you really need to be discovering who you are,
13:22 you know, and you do that
13:23 through having a lot of different friends.
13:25 Yeah, and I think something that you said, you know,
13:30 obviously, probably you've said,
13:31 just that idea about how
13:33 when you begin to get exclusive,
13:35 it kind of messes the framework
13:36 of what's supposed to be happening
13:38 because if I'm only locked into you,
13:40 then I don't get to experience
13:42 what other people might bring out of me
13:43 as I'm figuring out who I am and socializing.
13:46 I get locked up with that one person
13:48 and the other thing I think is really important,
13:50 being locked in when that breakup happens,
13:53 it damage, it really does legitimate damage.
13:57 Realistically the pressure can sink in,
13:59 all these other consequences,
14:00 you don't do well at school and all of that.
14:02 Let me say this, so I just firmly believe that
14:03 from that high school period from, you know, middle school,
14:06 high school, that it's all about development.
14:09 You're in the development period.
14:10 You're trying to discover who am I, how do I flow,
14:13 you know, what am I as a person,
14:15 you're developing yourself.
14:16 You're developing good friendships
14:18 but the next question is,
14:19 so what do we do when we get to that college,
14:21 we're like 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, young adult, young single,
14:26 how far is too far?
14:27 Or is there...
14:29 Do we apply the same principles
14:30 from high school to college now?
14:33 I mean, because, you know, you come to campus,
14:34 you're freshman, you're seeing guys,
14:35 you know what I'm saying,
14:37 there's a meet market outside the girl's dorm,
14:38 everybody is hanging out,
14:40 trying to see who they want to talk to.
14:41 That is how it goes now. Yeah.
14:42 So I mean, how do we relate there?
14:44 I think the media currently has us on pace
14:47 to feel as if we're married before we're really married
14:51 because then the realm of darkness can keep us
14:54 from having that union that God has blessed
14:56 and say this is good.
14:57 This refinement is good.
14:59 So from the physical to the...
15:03 I'm gonna cook for you or the mistake I made
15:06 in college I brought...
15:07 Praise God, my current wife, I brought her dishes
15:11 when we were dating and my uncle was like,
15:13 "Slow your role-play, slow your role.
15:15 No, you don't buy your girlfriend dishes.
15:17 You buy your wife dishes."
15:19 So I think how far is too far on the college level,
15:22 when you are not married but you're acting
15:24 as if you are that maybe a cue for you.
15:27 Well, let's define because, I mean,
15:30 I'm gonna be very ridiculous for a second.
15:32 I mean, married people spend exclusive time together.
15:35 So in college do I have this exclusive time?
15:38 You see what I'm saying as I'm going out there
15:40 'cause I mean, married people have exclusive time.
15:42 If I am 21, 22, 23, maybe about to graduate,
15:46 know what my degrees about to me.
15:49 It's going to be and I find so I'm kind of locked into.
15:53 And the question we really want to get to is
15:54 when you're in a dating relationship,
15:56 you know, can I kiss, can I hold hands, can I hug,
16:00 what can I, what should is, you know...
16:02 There are we talking.
16:03 Now, I'm an individual who, you know,
16:04 we're clearly dealing with pure choices.
16:06 So we want to say, "Okay, you know,
16:08 pastor how far can I go and still remain pure?
16:11 Can I kiss, you know, can I hug, can I, you know,
16:15 late night rondevu, you know, me and my boo, you know,
16:17 backseat and I mean, what do we, you know,
16:19 how far is too far, you know.
16:21 So what do you do?
16:22 Not just, you know, what do we not buy the person
16:24 or do buy the person but like y'all,
16:26 when it comes to our level of intimacy,
16:28 you know, how far can, you know, how far is too far?
16:30 I'll say from a women's perspective.
16:32 Yes, please give us a women's perspective.
16:34 That all of these activities even if, you know,
16:37 we try and act hard or we try to act like
16:40 it doesn't affect us.
16:41 All of these activities for a woman
16:43 are bonding activities.
16:45 If a guy holds my hand as a woman,
16:48 it's a bonding activity.
16:50 You know, the woman is like, "Yes."
16:52 You know, feeling...
16:54 And I don't know about guys at all.
16:57 But I know for a woman, our minds will go straight
16:59 to seeing this dude as we walk down the altar real fast.
17:03 And so I think we have to be careful as women
17:06 and I know everyone is different.
17:08 But, I mean, with those, you know, opening activities,
17:11 holding hands, hugging, laying, you know, whatever,
17:15 you have to be careful.
17:16 If a guy tells a young lady, "Yeah, I like you."
17:18 She really hears, "Let's get married."
17:21 Not necessarily. Okay. Okay.
17:22 I won't say that but I'm saying,
17:24 if you're with a guy who you really like,
17:27 you think he's really attractive
17:28 and things like that and he is, you know,
17:30 he is holding you or hugging you
17:32 or whatever like that.
17:33 It means more?
17:35 It means more to us because we are hardwired
17:37 for that eternal type bond.
17:40 And so I know women now
17:43 who have had experiences with guys,
17:45 they probably have gone beyond kissing
17:47 or whatever like that who are with spouses
17:50 but still have an emotional bond
17:52 with the person who they experience other things.
17:55 So you will advocate that when you're dating
17:57 that you should not hold hands, that you should not kiss,
17:59 that you should not?
18:01 I wouldn't say that but I'm just saying that
18:03 we have to be very careful.
18:04 You can't hold hands with everybody.
18:06 You can't hug and kiss with everybody.
18:10 And it takes I believe the Holy Spirit,
18:12 it takes discernment because there're going
18:13 to be sometimes where you're with the person who you enjoy
18:16 and you wanna hold their hand,
18:18 you wanna experience that with them.
18:20 But in our culture we have a culture
18:23 that goes beyond all of that stuff
18:25 that goes straight, you know.
18:26 It never stops there.
18:28 I was going to say that and I think why it's important
18:29 to understand the difference between men and women as well.
18:32 The one thing that Lola just brought out,
18:34 for a woman to usually get physically involved with a man,
18:38 there is some type of emotional attachment there.
18:41 Before the man on the opposite,
18:43 a man can be physically involved with a woman
18:45 and not have reached that point of bonding.
18:48 Right. That's what society tells us.
18:49 Right, so, I mean...
18:51 So a woman is like, "Wow, you know,
18:52 he's holding my hand and he's progressing down
18:55 the natural progression of intimacy
18:58 and she's feeling, man, he's really into me.
19:00 Whereas a guy he's just thinking
19:01 and it's just natural.
19:03 But, you know, if I'm really feeling you
19:04 I'm holding hands,
19:05 I'm kind of thinking about what's the next thing
19:08 that we're going to be moving to.
19:10 Physically. Right.
19:12 I've always heard like this, a woman will give her heart
19:14 before she gives her body.
19:15 A man will give his body before he gives his heart.
19:18 And I think that's true. I think that's true.
19:21 Well, I think the thing though that,
19:23 we have to and we talked about triggers
19:25 and those things,
19:26 we have to know ourselves in Christ.
19:28 Yeah, I think the deeper we get in Christ,
19:30 if I'm dating someone and say, "God, I want to know you,
19:33 now you tell me and show me honestly
19:35 about myself.
19:37 If I'm holding somebody's hand,
19:39 is that going to take me to a different place?"
19:41 Because I don't want to go so far,
19:43 because I think there are some people
19:44 who are very much so in a very specific environment
19:48 in place who were like, you know what?
19:49 Holding hands is acceptable because I am exclusively
19:53 maybe with this one individual.
19:56 I'm not trying to look for the next thing
19:58 but somebody else is like, yo,
20:00 but when I even just kind of brush up against,
20:03 God has shown me that you can't do it,
20:06 so I think it's really important
20:08 that relationship with God to just take yourself to him.
20:12 This is me so tell me who am I, show me who I am
20:15 in this environment and everything like that.
20:17 I think it also goes back to your original state
20:19 when we first started where you said,
20:21 "We have to understand philosophically
20:23 what is the purpose of dating?"
20:25 You know, you're 21, 22, you're in college
20:27 or maybe you're out of college, you're young adult,
20:29 young single woman or man.
20:31 You have to understand what's the purpose?
20:33 I personally believe, we can talk about it,
20:34 I personally believe that the purpose of dating
20:37 is to discover, "Is this the person
20:39 I can spend the rest of my life with?"
20:41 I wouldn't want to just date anyone
20:43 just like to occupy time, you know, I'm bored,
20:47 there's no one out there but you're single,
20:48 I'm single, let's date.
20:50 You know we've been friends for a long time,
20:51 let's date, no.
20:52 I firmly believe that the purpose of dating
20:54 is to discover all I can discover
20:57 about this individual.
20:59 And I really believe that in order to discover
21:01 as much as you can about individual,
21:03 it has to remain objective.
21:05 What do I mean by objective?
21:06 I mean like you got to keep the physical intimacy
21:09 and even the emotional intimacy levels
21:12 very, very, low.
21:13 Because the moment you allow intimacy
21:17 to come into picture,
21:18 you begin to slowly lose objectivity.
21:22 And to take what you just said a little further, Seth,
21:25 I'm really feeling like
21:26 the church on the physical interaction
21:30 that we have when we date.
21:31 The church has basically stepped in and said,
21:33 "No sex before marriage."
21:35 But that whole foreplay area,
21:37 that whole make out session area
21:39 we really haven't made a stance on it.
21:41 You know, looking at that word fornication
21:43 used in the New Testament,
21:45 it really means sexual intercourse
21:47 between unmarried individuals, so that's the raw definition.
21:51 So on the baseline it looks like that simple
21:55 until we get the people's president,
21:57 Mr. Bill Clinton, who says,
22:00 "I did not have sexual relations
22:02 with that woman."
22:04 Okay, well, what does sexual intercourse mean?
22:05 So we can't go belt down that's off guard.
22:08 Right. Okay.
22:10 Any contact with reproductive organs
22:12 that's a no show.
22:13 That's fornication. We're belt up?
22:14 I think it's when we get to that belt up physical,
22:17 you know, the breasts are not a reproductive organ.
22:20 They're a gland, a mammary gland
22:22 so do I get access there?
22:24 Yeah, I get that but I think what Seth was saying though,
22:27 and I think that's the principle
22:29 that is applied it's the idea of even if it was okay.
22:34 Will you still be able to be objected with that?
22:38 You see what I am saying 'cause I'm now...
22:40 There is something else, even if we say something was,
22:43 that still might mess up my objectivity.
22:46 Because what happens is, I meet a young lady and,
22:48 "Man, she's nice I like her."
22:50 I want to be objective,
22:51 I want to discover everything I can.
22:53 I want to, you know, I want to determine, you know,
22:54 what are her interests?
22:56 What are her values?
22:57 Where is she in her walk with the Lord?
22:58 What's her family life like? How does she treat her father?
23:00 How does she treat her mother?
23:02 How does she treat her brothers or siblings?
23:03 So I'm trying to discover all these things
23:05 about her to see,
23:06 "Lord is this someone that I can possibly spend
23:08 the rest of my life with.
23:10 Would we be a good match?
23:11 Would we be a good couple to advance your kingdom."
23:13 However, when I allow the subjective to come in,
23:16 when I allow the physical intimacy,
23:18 what happens is I'm not really concerned so much
23:20 about how she treats her father.
23:23 I'm just like, I just love her
23:24 and I'm not so much concerned about...
23:26 What I'm saying is part of the discovery
23:28 is physical chemistry.
23:30 I really believe that. Yeah, physical chemistry.
23:33 So that's part of that discovery chain.
23:34 What is physical chemistry?
23:36 Is that waist up, so how do we kiss like
23:38 I need to know like if you're a good kisser,
23:40 is that physical discovery?
23:41 Physical chemistry deals with touch.
23:44 Which looks like what?
23:46 Which could look like holding hands
23:47 or which could look like my hand going up your blouse,
23:50 it could look like either.
23:51 But part of discovery I think
23:53 we need to be able to conceive the point.
23:55 Part of that discovery journey does deal with touch.
23:58 And it will deal with touch.
23:59 But my thing is when you're putting your hand up
24:02 a woman's blouse, okay.
24:05 Inappropriate by the way I'd say.
24:06 Inappropriate, inappropriate, let's put that on the table.
24:08 But understand that this woman by and large
24:11 is either bonding with you,
24:14 I mean, in a super way or has, I mean,
24:18 and I hate to say it but it's true,
24:19 or has been intimate in that way with so many people
24:22 that she's been, I mean, seared if you will.
24:25 That, you know,
24:26 that she is unable to value herself to that degree
24:30 and the question that I would have, you know,
24:34 as I'm dating which I'm the only
24:36 single person on panel I guess.
24:37 You know, what I'm I doing?
24:42 Okay, yes, in this moment, you know,
24:44 I wanna decide whether or not I have a chemistry
24:46 with this gentleman or whatever.
24:48 But what really am I doing
24:50 in the far reaching scheme of things.
24:53 You know, am I really gonna be able to bond
24:55 with the person who I'm eternally with.
24:58 If I'm doing this many bonding
24:59 or I have these m-i-n-i many marriages,
25:03 am I really going to be able to be objective.
25:06 I think that goes, definitely we got a question.
25:08 I think the thing like just before we're doing
25:09 any wrap up though, is I'm committed to a person.
25:12 I'm pretty sure that this is the one
25:14 that God wants me with.
25:15 We're on the road to be married.
25:17 What's appropriate for interaction there?
25:19 I think that's a big part too, I think we said,
25:21 hey, the other stuff can be confusing
25:22 but I've made that decision.
25:24 I feel, yeah, that's where I'm supposed to go.
25:26 So if I know that that's the person,
25:28 is it okay for me to hold her hand,
25:31 is it okay for me to put my arm around her,
25:33 I think it's pretty clear some of the other things.
25:36 But there are some of those and I think that's where
25:37 there's some people also out there, they're like,
25:39 "Hey, we're almost to the point of engaging."
25:41 I know this is, that's it.
25:44 How do we interact then, how do we get then?
25:45 And I think that's the reason why some,
25:47 you know, some of the council
25:48 that's been given is long courtship,
25:50 sort of engagement in the sense that
25:51 during that courtship time, during that dating time,
25:54 where you don't want a lot of emotion involved
25:57 so that you can make a wise decision.
25:59 You want to give it enough time
26:00 so you can make an objective wise decision.
26:03 But then once you get that confirmation
26:05 and there will be a point where God will reveal
26:08 through wise council
26:10 through the leadings of His spirit.
26:12 Many different things that you have weighed
26:14 and you're objectively looking at, it's like,
26:16 "Okay, this is the person and now we're engaged."
26:18 That's what I think needs to be like that
26:20 because now you're gonna really wanna be kind
26:23 of rolling down that emotional,
26:24 physical part so you got to cut that thing short.
26:27 I think even though and we talk about a couple programs ago,
26:31 the idea of triggers.
26:32 I think even if you are in that sort of engagement
26:34 you got to know when they were over my house past 10 o'clock
26:38 and no one else is there, that's the problem.
26:40 When I'm in the car, and nobody else is there,
26:42 and this song is on that's a problem.
26:44 So I think to help you with that
26:46 for those who should, "Hey, make sure,
26:48 you know, what is it that gets me going?
26:50 I'm gonna avoid that."
26:52 So to summarize these things, we got to wrap up.
26:53 There's basically two things you want our viewers
26:55 to really take home,
26:57 that if you're in that high school age range 14 to 18.
27:01 The thing that you should be focusing on is development,
27:03 development of yourself.
27:05 I want to develop myself who am I as a person?
27:06 Who am I as a man? Who am I as a woman?
27:09 When you get into that college, after college dating realm,
27:13 we should go into discovery mode
27:15 discovering who this person is.
27:16 And in order to truly discover the person,
27:19 it has to remain objective.
27:21 You can't get so caught up in it
27:22 that you lose all objectivity and you're now just taking it
27:26 even if they have like a hoard pass
27:28 or they're not the right person for you,
27:29 you want to remain objective.
27:31 So we hope this is a blessing to you.
27:32 We're gonna keep this conversation going.
27:34 Next episode we're gonna be dealing
27:36 with friends with benefits,
27:37 so we're just gonna keep on talking about it.
27:39 Yeah, and we also have our Facebook blog.
27:42 Go to Facebook, type in Pure Choices.
27:44 If you have any questions, comments, you can hit us there,
27:46 and we love to dialogue with you offsite.
27:49 So we look forward to seeing you next week
27:50 same time, same place.
27:52 Be blessed.