Participants: Seth Yelorda (Host), Alfonzo Greene, Lola Moore, Michael Kelley, Michael Polite
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000005
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00:40 Welcome to Pure Choices.
00:41 I'm so glad you decided to join us 00:43 for another episode today 00:45 where we're discussing some hot, hot, topics. 00:47 I got my people here with me again 00:49 and we're excited about today's topic 00:51 where we'll be diving into understanding 00:54 and discussing, how far is too far in the dating room. 00:56 You don't want to miss this, 00:58 so please stay tuned for this thing. 00:59 Let me introduce you real quick to who we have. 01:01 Again, we have one of my friends 01:03 Pastor Alfonzo Greene, 01:05 who is at the First Church in Huntsville, Alabama. 01:07 We have Pastor Michael Polite, 01:09 who's at Riverside SDA Church in Nashville. 01:13 We have my sister who is here from Huntsville, 01:15 Oakwood University, church Pastor Lola Moore. 01:18 And we have my brother, Michael B. Kelley 01:21 who is joining us all the way from Riverside, 01:23 California at the Mt. Rubidoux SDA Church. 01:26 And I'm glad that you all are back with us again. 01:28 We were having some good conversation 01:31 and I know today we gonna get right back into it. 01:33 So we're not gonna waste any time. 01:34 We want to take this thing straight from the head, 01:36 we want to start straight from the head, 01:38 just be honest with people. 01:39 We're dealing with the topic today 01:41 how far is too far? 01:42 And we thought it was a good idea 01:44 rather than us talking about it here. 01:46 We wanna get some feedback from the people on campuses 01:49 so we're actually here alive at Oakwood University campus. 01:52 And we will take it to the streets, 01:53 to the streets, to the cafeteria. 01:56 And then we gonna let them tell us 01:59 how far they think is too far. 02:00 Your box take it away, how far is too far? 02:04 Hey, what's up you guys? 02:05 We're here at Oakwood University 02:07 and I'm reporting for Pure Choices. 02:09 Now the question for the day is how far is too far? 02:13 And no, I do not mean location. 02:15 I'm talking about physically, let's find out. 02:17 When you start compromising. 02:24 When she says, no means no. 02:25 How far is too far? 02:27 I think it all depends on the relationship. 02:29 It depends on boundaries. 02:32 Hey, how far is too far? 02:35 It is as far as the girl makes it. 02:37 If she lets me get somewhere, that's how far it gets. 02:40 How far is too far depends on the person. 02:42 I can only say your maturity level, I guess, 02:46 and how your relationship is with the person. 02:48 So people can handle tongue kissing. 02:50 Sometimes people are like, "I can handle just holding you, 02:52 or just kissing you." 02:53 But to another person that's just a beginning 02:55 of just the control and utter breakdown. 02:57 How far is too far in a relationship 02:59 as in physical? 03:02 What's the question? 03:03 How far is too far in a relationship 03:05 as in physical? 03:07 I think you reach the point of going too far 03:10 when you feel as though 03:11 you can't bring your relationship to God. 03:14 I think if we're honest with ourselves, 03:16 we'll know that kissing and groping is wrong. 03:19 For me I think that, you know, 03:22 it's okay to show affection as in, 03:25 you know, maybe holding hands or, 03:27 you know, hugging. 03:29 But I do believe that physical contact beyond that, 03:33 it's promoting sexual activity. 03:36 I don't think there's anything wrong with kissing 03:38 but other things. 03:41 You say you're not going to have sex in a relationship 03:44 and you consider sex penetration, 03:46 you cannot set your goal, your boundary there. 03:50 It has to be set further back because that means 03:52 everything underneath that is open. 03:55 Well, let me tell you how far is too far. 03:57 Listen, now if you're sitting in the car 03:59 and you're overlooking a CD 04:01 and the lady tries to touch all over you, 04:02 and the man tries to go, you know, under the skirt, 04:05 tries to go there, that's a little bit too far. 04:06 You only ask for a movie and he's trying to get a movie 04:09 and a popcorn, the only thing you've paid for was the movie. 04:11 Can't get enough for free, I think that's too far. 04:13 From a Christian perspective, anything that lead, 04:16 that's gonna lead to sex is too far but, you know, 04:19 anything you can do. 04:21 I mean, this, you know, can lead to something. 04:24 So I mean, the question, you know, 04:26 kind of can be answered 04:28 unless you know your own limits. 04:30 Well, in the physical aspect, in a romantic relationship, 04:34 if you ain't married you shouldn't be groping, 04:37 dry humping, all that kind of stuff. 04:42 No sex, 04:46 no so called oral stuff, yeah. 04:50 That's too far. 04:53 Y'all, there it is. 04:56 We got a mixed bag out there, what do you all think? 04:58 How far is too far? 04:59 We got a mixed bag in here. 05:02 All right. Let's talk about it. 05:05 When it comes to the dating element 05:07 you know, 14, 15, 16, 21, 22, let's just say 05:11 anywhere from not married on now, you know, 05:14 how far is too far? 05:16 I think what we have to do before 05:17 we really get to how far is too far 05:19 is I think we really have to figure out 05:20 what's the purpose of dating 05:22 like what is the end goal in dating? 05:26 I don't think... 05:28 I think we have to figure out, 05:29 "Okay, why am I doing what I'm doing." 05:31 Then I can understand if how far is too far 05:34 will effect that end goal that I'm supposed to get, 05:37 you know where I'm getting. 05:38 Does that make sense? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 05:40 Do you think people will think about that though? 05:42 I mean, honestly when someone goes 05:43 into the dating realm, they actually think, 05:46 "What's the purpose of this?" 05:48 You know, I'm saying like honestly, 05:50 when I'm thinking, when I was 16, 17, 05:51 I'm not thinking I'm dating this person 05:54 for any particular reasons. 05:55 Ya, she's cute, I think I'm cute, you know, 05:58 we'll be cute together. 05:59 I like her, let us go. 06:01 But I think if you define the purpose 06:04 and what it is then I might find that 06:06 what I'm doing at 16 and 17 06:08 actually isn't classified as dating. 06:10 Okay. Okay, I'm with you. You know what I'm saying. 06:12 I might say if the purpose lets say of dating 06:15 is to prepare me for marriage 06:17 and then I say at 14 I'm dating, 06:20 I'm saying so at 14 I'm preparing, 06:23 you know what I'm saying 06:24 intentionally in that way for marriage. 06:26 So I think we got to figure out like, 06:28 what is it that dating does do, what it's supposed to do. 06:33 And then when I figured that out then, 06:35 okay, at this particular stage in my life 06:38 if that's what dating is, can that apply to where I am? 06:41 So let me ask this question. 06:42 Do you really, do you think along those lines, 06:44 do you think that dating... 06:46 Two things, there's two categories, 06:47 there's those people who believe that dating is, 06:50 should be exclusively done to prepare you for marriage, 06:53 otherwise they would call it, what's the word, courtship. 06:55 Courtship. Yeah, courtship. 06:57 But then there is another camp which says that, 06:59 "Yo, you should date, just date around," you know, 07:01 get to know people, go out, date, you know, 07:03 be exclusive, you know, figure out who they are, 07:06 figure out who you are even if you have no intentions 07:09 on getting married right away 07:10 or even marrying that person you should still date." 07:13 What category do you all fall in here, 07:15 what do you all think? 07:16 Well, I mean, for me I kind of think that 07:17 when we're dealing with high school students like, 07:19 you know, dealing from 14 to 18, 07:22 I just don't think that's really the season 07:24 for exclusive dating as far as the way 07:28 that we classify dating. 07:29 I think this isn't the time for you to make friends, 07:31 get an opportunity get to know different people 07:33 because you're really at that stage in life, 07:36 that season of life, 07:37 you really just kind of learning who you are, 07:39 you're kind of trying to find out who you are 07:40 and you just need to just try to... 07:42 That just means, there needs to be no pressure really, 07:44 you know, where you just got to kind of try to do 07:46 something with somebody else. 07:47 This is my opinion, I think that at that time 07:49 you just need to try and make friends. 07:50 So, from 14 to let's say 18 high school... 07:54 Let's just go even a further back 07:55 from high school, let's say sixth grade 07:56 'cause you know, people starting young now. 07:58 So let's say from sixth grade to senior year in high school, 08:01 during that period you are of the mind 08:03 that you just need to be just friends, 08:05 just go out, hang out... 08:06 Hang out with as many cats, just make your friends, yeah. 08:09 No, nothing exclusive, this is not my girl, you know, 08:12 this is not my boy, you know, we're just, we're just cool. 08:15 I gotta admit I'm not there. 08:17 I'm not there from the standpoint of... 08:21 When romance becomes important, 08:23 it's during that exact age group 08:26 and I'm feeling like sixth grade to twelfth grade 08:30 this romance thing is becoming important to me, 08:33 so I'm going to have a romantic interest for sure. 08:37 I will not be able to keep everything platonic 08:40 to where I see this girl just like I see this girl. 08:42 No, I'm gonna have a crush on somebody, 08:44 so how can I experience my crush, 08:48 my romantic interest and yet not go overboard 08:52 to where I've gone too far. 08:54 Well, I mean, why do you experience that though 08:55 because I think part of the media 08:57 and part of like, we talked in earlier episode, 08:59 part of I think the messages that are put out there, 09:01 is this is what you should be doing at this age. 09:05 Not necessarily. 09:06 Is it really only the media or we already established, 09:10 we're sexual beings. 09:11 We established, we're romantic beings, 09:13 you know, set up for that 09:15 because animals don't need to set a tone, 09:17 they just, you know, go and do their thing. 09:19 But us, we have and created for romantic feelings... 09:23 Yeah, but, I think... You know, those things so... 09:24 It's called puberty. Yeah, you're right. 09:26 When puberty hits you... In fact it's not just of... 09:28 The trigger is on. 09:29 It's not just the media I don't think that makes us 09:30 have the crushes, you know. 09:32 Okay. Right. 09:33 And my question would be, do I really at 12 or at 13 09:37 have the emotional maturity to be able to do 09:40 what I'm supposed to do with the feelings, 09:42 with all of the hormones that are coming up when I'm 12. 09:45 Do I really have the infrastructure 09:47 to be able to say no when I'm supposed to say no 09:50 and say yes when I'm supposed to say yes at that time? 09:53 And I really don't think so. 09:54 I really don't think that we're emotionally prepared 09:57 to carry on a responsible relationship 10:00 at that time. 10:01 Okay, Mom, so tell me then, Mom, tell me. 10:04 I'm in puberty... Yes. 10:06 I'm starting to feel this connection, 10:08 girls no longer have cooties all that good stuff, 10:11 how do I express that natural biology in me 10:15 that start into trigger and whelm up. 10:19 How do I express that? 10:20 And I think that we as a community 10:23 have to be better about creating atmospheres 10:27 for young people to experience one another but in safe ways. 10:32 And I'm thinking that there's some... 10:34 An evangelical groups that are very intentional 10:37 about walking their children through these times 10:41 and giving them the tools 10:43 to be able to be responsible at those times. 10:46 Keeping the goal before them because I don't really think 10:49 that we are able to establish our goal 10:51 for ourselves is something that someone 10:53 who is responsible over us needs to put out there, 10:58 "You are going to get married one day." 11:00 And the question for me would be 11:01 in this whole conversation, 11:03 will my husband feel cool with me 11:06 doing with this other guy, 11:07 you know, if my husband were standing 11:09 in the room as I have... 11:11 Future husband. 11:12 Well, I'm saying, you know, my future... 11:13 Because the goal I believe is marriage. 11:16 If my husband were in the room with me with us right now, 11:19 we're 12, we're 13, 11:20 will my husband feel cool with... 11:21 Or 14, 15, 16. Yeah, and all the way up. 11:24 But yeah, now I definitely agree 11:25 with that principle, however I'm gonna be real with that. 11:29 At 14, 16... Not thinking about husband. 11:31 Well, even if I am, I might even say, 11:33 "Oh, he'd be cool with that," because you know what I mean 11:35 because I don't even understand... 11:37 He's probably doing something to himself. 11:38 He probably, yeah, he might, you know, 11:39 they're appropriating it. Right. 11:41 But I think that's a great, that's a great principle. 11:42 I think the thing that we have to be able to say 11:44 because I love the idea of, the problem, 11:46 I think the biggest problem when we get into 11:48 the how far is too far is exclusivity. 11:50 They're completely locked into one person. 11:53 I think what Mike is trying to say is, 11:56 okay, even though while we're saying be friends, 11:59 what I have to deal with is, yeah, I'm cool being friends, 12:02 not locked up with one person, 12:03 but there is something special about this one... 12:05 This one, right. 12:07 I've got just, I like her or I like him and so, 12:10 can I still maintain the idea of being friends 12:15 not be exclusive just because I have a romantic feeling, 12:17 and I think that's would be a problem. 12:19 I want to be friends but there's something, 12:20 something there. 12:22 You know, I would take what Lola is saying 12:23 even stuff further, when you're 14, 15, 16 12:25 like you said puberty is like in full bloom 12:28 and you're starting to feel these feelings, 12:29 I would say is now the time, is now the appropriate time 12:33 with appropriate season like Alfonzo said, 12:35 to be expressing romantic feelings 12:36 to someone else. 12:38 You know, I'll never forget when I was like, 16, 17 12:39 when I went all out for my girlfriend, 12:41 brought her like a watch, some clothes, 12:43 I even went and bought her a real live kitten, you know, 12:46 she wanted a cat. 12:47 A real one or a stuffed one? No, a real kitten. 12:49 There you were whipped like that man. 12:50 No, I brought her kitten. 12:52 Yo, I was in love man, 16, 17 years old. 12:53 Nice man. 12:55 But you know, I got to the point 12:56 where my dad stepped in, my dad was like, 12:58 "Yo, Seth, you're going too far, 12:59 like, it's not, you're not there yet..." 13:00 Thank you. Thank you, dad. "You're not there." 13:02 Yeah, thank you dad. "You're not there yet. 13:03 You shouldn't be like going all out at this age. 13:05 What you're supposed to be doing right now 13:06 is just really developing a strong friendship. 13:09 It doesn't need to be this exclusive. 13:10 This is my girl, that's my boy but just, 13:13 you know, we're just beginning to know people." 13:14 And I really believe that during that high school period, 13:17 like you should not be concerned about this, 13:18 I need a boyfriend or I need a girlfriend. 13:20 No, you really need to be discovering who you are, 13:22 you know, and you do that 13:23 through having a lot of different friends. 13:25 Yeah, and I think something that you said, you know, 13:30 obviously, probably you've said, 13:31 just that idea about how 13:33 when you begin to get exclusive, 13:35 it kind of messes the framework 13:36 of what's supposed to be happening 13:38 because if I'm only locked into you, 13:40 then I don't get to experience 13:42 what other people might bring out of me 13:43 as I'm figuring out who I am and socializing. 13:46 I get locked up with that one person 13:48 and the other thing I think is really important, 13:50 being locked in when that breakup happens, 13:53 it damage, it really does legitimate damage. 13:57 Realistically the pressure can sink in, 13:59 all these other consequences, 14:00 you don't do well at school and all of that. 14:02 Let me say this, so I just firmly believe that 14:03 from that high school period from, you know, middle school, 14:06 high school, that it's all about development. 14:09 You're in the development period. 14:10 You're trying to discover who am I, how do I flow, 14:13 you know, what am I as a person, 14:15 you're developing yourself. 14:16 You're developing good friendships 14:18 but the next question is, 14:19 so what do we do when we get to that college, 14:21 we're like 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, young adult, young single, 14:26 how far is too far? 14:27 Or is there... 14:29 Do we apply the same principles 14:30 from high school to college now? 14:33 I mean, because, you know, you come to campus, 14:34 you're freshman, you're seeing guys, 14:35 you know what I'm saying, 14:37 there's a meet market outside the girl's dorm, 14:38 everybody is hanging out, 14:40 trying to see who they want to talk to. 14:41 That is how it goes now. Yeah. 14:42 So I mean, how do we relate there? 14:44 I think the media currently has us on pace 14:47 to feel as if we're married before we're really married 14:51 because then the realm of darkness can keep us 14:54 from having that union that God has blessed 14:56 and say this is good. 14:57 This refinement is good. 14:59 So from the physical to the... 15:03 I'm gonna cook for you or the mistake I made 15:06 in college I brought... 15:07 Praise God, my current wife, I brought her dishes 15:11 when we were dating and my uncle was like, 15:13 "Slow your role-play, slow your role. 15:15 No, you don't buy your girlfriend dishes. 15:17 You buy your wife dishes." 15:19 So I think how far is too far on the college level, 15:22 when you are not married but you're acting 15:24 as if you are that maybe a cue for you. 15:27 Well, let's define because, I mean, 15:30 I'm gonna be very ridiculous for a second. 15:32 I mean, married people spend exclusive time together. 15:35 So in college do I have this exclusive time? 15:38 You see what I'm saying as I'm going out there 15:40 'cause I mean, married people have exclusive time. 15:42 If I am 21, 22, 23, maybe about to graduate, 15:46 know what my degrees about to me. 15:49 It's going to be and I find so I'm kind of locked into. 15:51 Yeah. 15:53 And the question we really want to get to is 15:54 when you're in a dating relationship, 15:56 you know, can I kiss, can I hold hands, can I hug, 16:00 what can I, what should is, you know... 16:02 There are we talking. 16:03 Now, I'm an individual who, you know, 16:04 we're clearly dealing with pure choices. 16:06 So we want to say, "Okay, you know, 16:08 pastor how far can I go and still remain pure? 16:11 Can I kiss, you know, can I hug, can I, you know, 16:15 late night rondevu, you know, me and my boo, you know, 16:17 backseat and I mean, what do we, you know, 16:19 how far is too far, you know. 16:21 So what do you do? 16:22 Not just, you know, what do we not buy the person 16:24 or do buy the person but like y'all, 16:26 when it comes to our level of intimacy, 16:28 you know, how far can, you know, how far is too far? 16:30 I'll say from a women's perspective. 16:32 Yes, please give us a women's perspective. 16:34 That all of these activities even if, you know, 16:37 we try and act hard or we try to act like 16:40 it doesn't affect us. 16:41 All of these activities for a woman 16:43 are bonding activities. 16:45 If a guy holds my hand as a woman, 16:48 it's a bonding activity. 16:50 You know, the woman is like, "Yes." 16:52 You know, feeling... 16:54 And I don't know about guys at all. 16:57 But I know for a woman, our minds will go straight 16:59 to seeing this dude as we walk down the altar real fast. 17:03 And so I think we have to be careful as women 17:06 and I know everyone is different. 17:08 But, I mean, with those, you know, opening activities, 17:11 holding hands, hugging, laying, you know, whatever, 17:15 you have to be careful. 17:16 If a guy tells a young lady, "Yeah, I like you." 17:18 She really hears, "Let's get married." 17:21 Not necessarily. Okay. Okay. 17:22 I won't say that but I'm saying, 17:24 if you're with a guy who you really like, 17:27 you think he's really attractive 17:28 and things like that and he is, you know, 17:30 he is holding you or hugging you 17:32 or whatever like that. 17:33 It means more? 17:35 It means more to us because we are hardwired 17:37 for that eternal type bond. 17:40 And so I know women now 17:43 who have had experiences with guys, 17:45 they probably have gone beyond kissing 17:47 or whatever like that who are with spouses 17:50 but still have an emotional bond 17:52 with the person who they experience other things. 17:55 So you will advocate that when you're dating 17:57 that you should not hold hands, that you should not kiss, 17:59 that you should not? 18:01 I wouldn't say that but I'm just saying that 18:03 we have to be very careful. 18:04 You can't hold hands with everybody. 18:06 You can't hug and kiss with everybody. 18:09 Okay. 18:10 And it takes I believe the Holy Spirit, 18:12 it takes discernment because there're going 18:13 to be sometimes where you're with the person who you enjoy 18:16 and you wanna hold their hand, 18:18 you wanna experience that with them. 18:20 But in our culture we have a culture 18:23 that goes beyond all of that stuff 18:25 that goes straight, you know. 18:26 It never stops there. 18:28 I was going to say that and I think why it's important 18:29 to understand the difference between men and women as well. 18:32 The one thing that Lola just brought out, 18:34 for a woman to usually get physically involved with a man, 18:38 there is some type of emotional attachment there. 18:41 Before the man on the opposite, 18:43 a man can be physically involved with a woman 18:45 and not have reached that point of bonding. 18:48 Right. That's what society tells us. 18:49 Right, so, I mean... 18:51 So a woman is like, "Wow, you know, 18:52 he's holding my hand and he's progressing down 18:55 the natural progression of intimacy 18:58 and she's feeling, man, he's really into me. 19:00 Whereas a guy he's just thinking 19:01 and it's just natural. 19:03 But, you know, if I'm really feeling you 19:04 I'm holding hands, 19:05 I'm kind of thinking about what's the next thing 19:08 that we're going to be moving to. 19:09 Physically. 19:10 Physically. Right. 19:12 I've always heard like this, a woman will give her heart 19:14 before she gives her body. 19:15 A man will give his body before he gives his heart. 19:18 And I think that's true. I think that's true. 19:21 Well, I think the thing though that, 19:23 we have to and we talked about triggers 19:25 and those things, 19:26 we have to know ourselves in Christ. 19:28 Yeah, I think the deeper we get in Christ, 19:30 if I'm dating someone and say, "God, I want to know you, 19:33 now you tell me and show me honestly 19:35 about myself. 19:37 If I'm holding somebody's hand, 19:39 is that going to take me to a different place?" 19:41 Because I don't want to go so far, 19:43 because I think there are some people 19:44 who are very much so in a very specific environment 19:48 in place who were like, you know what? 19:49 Holding hands is acceptable because I am exclusively 19:53 maybe with this one individual. 19:56 I'm not trying to look for the next thing 19:58 but somebody else is like, yo, 20:00 but when I even just kind of brush up against, 20:03 God has shown me that you can't do it, 20:06 so I think it's really important 20:08 that relationship with God to just take yourself to him. 20:11 Right. 20:12 This is me so tell me who am I, show me who I am 20:15 in this environment and everything like that. 20:17 I think it also goes back to your original state 20:19 when we first started where you said, 20:21 "We have to understand philosophically 20:23 what is the purpose of dating?" 20:24 Yes. 20:25 You know, you're 21, 22, you're in college 20:27 or maybe you're out of college, you're young adult, 20:29 young single woman or man. 20:31 You have to understand what's the purpose? 20:33 I personally believe, we can talk about it, 20:34 I personally believe that the purpose of dating 20:37 is to discover, "Is this the person 20:39 I can spend the rest of my life with?" 20:41 I wouldn't want to just date anyone 20:43 just like to occupy time, you know, I'm bored, 20:47 there's no one out there but you're single, 20:48 I'm single, let's date. 20:50 You know we've been friends for a long time, 20:51 let's date, no. 20:52 I firmly believe that the purpose of dating 20:54 is to discover all I can discover 20:57 about this individual. 20:59 And I really believe that in order to discover 21:01 as much as you can about individual, 21:03 it has to remain objective. 21:05 What do I mean by objective? 21:06 I mean like you got to keep the physical intimacy 21:09 and even the emotional intimacy levels 21:12 very, very, low. 21:13 Because the moment you allow intimacy 21:17 to come into picture, 21:18 you begin to slowly lose objectivity. 21:22 And to take what you just said a little further, Seth, 21:25 I'm really feeling like 21:26 the church on the physical interaction 21:30 that we have when we date. 21:31 The church has basically stepped in and said, 21:33 "No sex before marriage." 21:35 But that whole foreplay area, 21:37 that whole make out session area 21:39 we really haven't made a stance on it. 21:41 You know, looking at that word fornication 21:43 used in the New Testament, 21:45 it really means sexual intercourse 21:47 between unmarried individuals, so that's the raw definition. 21:51 So on the baseline it looks like that simple 21:55 until we get the people's president, 21:57 Mr. Bill Clinton, who says, 22:00 "I did not have sexual relations 22:02 with that woman." 22:04 Okay, well, what does sexual intercourse mean? 22:05 So we can't go belt down that's off guard. 22:08 Right. Okay. 22:10 Any contact with reproductive organs 22:12 that's a no show. 22:13 That's fornication. We're belt up? 22:14 I think it's when we get to that belt up physical, 22:17 you know, the breasts are not a reproductive organ. 22:20 They're a gland, a mammary gland 22:22 so do I get access there? 22:24 Yeah, I get that but I think what Seth was saying though, 22:27 and I think that's the principle 22:29 that is applied it's the idea of even if it was okay. 22:34 Will you still be able to be objected with that? 22:38 You see what I am saying 'cause I'm now... 22:40 There is something else, even if we say something was, 22:43 that still might mess up my objectivity. 22:46 Because what happens is, I meet a young lady and, 22:48 "Man, she's nice I like her." 22:50 I want to be objective, 22:51 I want to discover everything I can. 22:53 I want to, you know, I want to determine, you know, 22:54 what are her interests? 22:56 What are her values? 22:57 Where is she in her walk with the Lord? 22:58 What's her family life like? How does she treat her father? 23:00 How does she treat her mother? 23:02 How does she treat her brothers or siblings? 23:03 So I'm trying to discover all these things 23:05 about her to see, 23:06 "Lord is this someone that I can possibly spend 23:08 the rest of my life with. 23:10 Would we be a good match? 23:11 Would we be a good couple to advance your kingdom." 23:13 However, when I allow the subjective to come in, 23:16 when I allow the physical intimacy, 23:18 what happens is I'm not really concerned so much 23:20 about how she treats her father. 23:23 I'm just like, I just love her 23:24 and I'm not so much concerned about... 23:26 What I'm saying is part of the discovery 23:28 is physical chemistry. 23:30 I really believe that. Yeah, physical chemistry. 23:32 Right. 23:33 So that's part of that discovery chain. 23:34 What is physical chemistry? 23:36 Is that waist up, so how do we kiss like 23:38 I need to know like if you're a good kisser, 23:40 is that physical discovery? 23:41 Physical chemistry deals with touch. 23:44 Which looks like what? 23:46 Which could look like holding hands 23:47 or which could look like my hand going up your blouse, 23:50 it could look like either. 23:51 But part of discovery I think 23:53 we need to be able to conceive the point. 23:55 Part of that discovery journey does deal with touch. 23:58 And it will deal with touch. 23:59 But my thing is when you're putting your hand up 24:02 a woman's blouse, okay. 24:04 Understand... 24:05 Inappropriate by the way I'd say. 24:06 Inappropriate, inappropriate, let's put that on the table. 24:08 But understand that this woman by and large 24:11 is either bonding with you, 24:14 I mean, in a super way or has, I mean, 24:18 and I hate to say it but it's true, 24:19 or has been intimate in that way with so many people 24:22 that she's been, I mean, seared if you will. 24:25 That, you know, 24:26 that she is unable to value herself to that degree 24:30 and the question that I would have, you know, 24:34 as I'm dating which I'm the only 24:36 single person on panel I guess. 24:37 You know, what I'm I doing? 24:42 Okay, yes, in this moment, you know, 24:44 I wanna decide whether or not I have a chemistry 24:46 with this gentleman or whatever. 24:48 But what really am I doing 24:50 in the far reaching scheme of things. 24:53 You know, am I really gonna be able to bond 24:55 with the person who I'm eternally with. 24:58 If I'm doing this many bonding 24:59 or I have these m-i-n-i many marriages, 25:03 am I really going to be able to be objective. 25:06 I think that goes, definitely we got a question. 25:08 I think the thing like just before we're doing 25:09 any wrap up though, is I'm committed to a person. 25:12 I'm pretty sure that this is the one 25:14 that God wants me with. 25:15 We're on the road to be married. 25:17 What's appropriate for interaction there? 25:19 I think that's a big part too, I think we said, 25:21 hey, the other stuff can be confusing 25:22 but I've made that decision. 25:24 I feel, yeah, that's where I'm supposed to go. 25:26 So if I know that that's the person, 25:28 is it okay for me to hold her hand, 25:31 is it okay for me to put my arm around her, 25:33 I think it's pretty clear some of the other things. 25:36 But there are some of those and I think that's where 25:37 there's some people also out there, they're like, 25:39 "Hey, we're almost to the point of engaging." 25:41 I know this is, that's it. 25:44 How do we interact then, how do we get then? 25:45 And I think that's the reason why some, 25:47 you know, some of the council 25:48 that's been given is long courtship, 25:50 sort of engagement in the sense that 25:51 during that courtship time, during that dating time, 25:54 where you don't want a lot of emotion involved 25:57 so that you can make a wise decision. 25:59 You want to give it enough time 26:00 so you can make an objective wise decision. 26:03 But then once you get that confirmation 26:05 and there will be a point where God will reveal 26:08 through wise council 26:10 through the leadings of His spirit. 26:12 Many different things that you have weighed 26:14 and you're objectively looking at, it's like, 26:16 "Okay, this is the person and now we're engaged." 26:18 That's what I think needs to be like that 26:20 because now you're gonna really wanna be kind 26:23 of rolling down that emotional, 26:24 physical part so you got to cut that thing short. 26:27 I think even though and we talk about a couple programs ago, 26:31 the idea of triggers. 26:32 I think even if you are in that sort of engagement 26:34 you got to know when they were over my house past 10 o'clock 26:38 and no one else is there, that's the problem. 26:40 When I'm in the car, and nobody else is there, 26:42 and this song is on that's a problem. 26:44 So I think to help you with that 26:46 for those who should, "Hey, make sure, 26:48 you know, what is it that gets me going? 26:50 I'm gonna avoid that." 26:52 So to summarize these things, we got to wrap up. 26:53 There's basically two things you want our viewers 26:55 to really take home, 26:57 that if you're in that high school age range 14 to 18. 27:01 The thing that you should be focusing on is development, 27:03 development of yourself. 27:05 I want to develop myself who am I as a person? 27:06 Who am I as a man? Who am I as a woman? 27:09 When you get into that college, after college dating realm, 27:13 we should go into discovery mode 27:15 discovering who this person is. 27:16 And in order to truly discover the person, 27:19 it has to remain objective. 27:21 You can't get so caught up in it 27:22 that you lose all objectivity and you're now just taking it 27:26 even if they have like a hoard pass 27:28 or they're not the right person for you, 27:29 you want to remain objective. 27:31 So we hope this is a blessing to you. 27:32 We're gonna keep this conversation going. 27:34 Next episode we're gonna be dealing 27:36 with friends with benefits, 27:37 so we're just gonna keep on talking about it. 27:39 Yeah, and we also have our Facebook blog. 27:42 Go to Facebook, type in Pure Choices. 27:44 If you have any questions, comments, you can hit us there, 27:46 and we love to dialogue with you offsite. 27:49 So we look forward to seeing you next week 27:50 same time, same place. 27:52 Be blessed. |
Revised 2017-08-28