Participants: Seth Yelorda (Host), Alfonzo Greene, Damien Chandler, Michael Kelley, Sabrina Etienne
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000009
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00:29 Welcome to Pure Choices.
00:30 I'm so glad that you decided to join us today 00:33 for another episode where we are going to be 00:35 dealing with another hot but yet serious topic. 00:38 As you know, all season long, 00:39 we've been dealing with some sensitive issues 00:41 concerning our sexuality, and how we, as youth 00:44 and young adults, can strive to live pure lives. 00:46 And today is not going to be any different. 00:48 We're going to be diving right in. 00:49 But before we do that, I want to take a moment 00:51 and just introduce, to you, my colleagues 00:53 and one special guest that we have with us today. 00:56 To my immediate left, we have my brother, 00:58 Pastor Alfonzo Greene, who is joining us again, 01:01 and he, of course, is from the Huntsville First Church 01:04 in Huntsville, Alabama. 01:05 And then we have a special guest, 01:07 and you're going to hear more from her shortly, 01:08 Miss Sabrina Etienne, she is a master's student, 01:11 studying Clinical Counseling 01:13 from Southern Adventist University 01:16 right outside of Collegedale or in Collegedale, 01:18 right outside of Chattanooga. 01:19 And then we have my brother, Pastor Damian Chandler, 01:23 who is one of the pastors at the Madison Mission Church 01:26 in Madison, Alabama. 01:28 And then, of course, we have Pastor Michael B. Kelley, 01:32 who's here with us again, all the way from Riverside, 01:36 California, at the Mt. Rubidoux SDA Church. 01:39 And I am your host, Pastor Seth Yelorda, 01:41 and we're just all glad to be here. 01:43 Our topic of discussion today is going to be something 01:46 that many of us, we've heard in the news, 01:48 we've seen it, or we've heard, at least we've heard of it 01:50 in churches around, 01:52 and that is sexual abuse and molestation. 01:54 And this is not something 01:56 that is new to anybody out there. 01:58 You know, there's been stories in the news about, you know, 02:01 that have surrounded the Penn State coaching, 02:03 the allegations that have surrounded 02:05 the Penn State coaching staff as far as sexual abuse. 02:09 There is also the allegations 02:11 from the coaching staff at Syracuse. 02:14 Not to mention, if you go a few years back, 02:16 the big scandal in the Catholic Church, 02:19 when it came to the allegations about sexual abuse there. 02:22 And then, there was the prominent minister 02:23 in Atlanta, Georgia, 02:25 who was accused of sexual abuse. 02:28 And so we know that this is something 02:29 that is just taking the church, taking society by storm. 02:33 And it almost seems like the more we continue living, 02:36 the more stories come out, 02:37 and the worse they get, you know. 02:40 And so today, we just want to deal with this, 02:42 we want to just kind of hit at the root of it, 02:44 and then for anyone out there 02:46 who has experienced sexual abuse 02:48 or is even going through presently an abusing, 02:52 sexual abusive situation, we want to give you hope 02:54 and just give you some real tools 02:56 that you can use to get out of this situation and find, 03:00 you know, wholeness and healing in Christ. 03:02 We have with us a special guest, 03:04 Miss Sabrina Etienne. 03:06 And Sabrina, she lives in the Chattanooga area 03:09 and I know her personally. 03:10 She actually works closely with me at my church, 03:12 and she has had an opportunity to share with me her story 03:16 as far as some sexual abuse 03:17 that she experienced when she was growing up. 03:19 And I just want to turn to Sabrina now, and just, 03:21 you know, just have you talk to us briefly 03:23 about your experience, 03:24 and how the Lord kind of brought you through that? 03:29 I'm happy to be here today with you all. 03:32 At 12 years old, I went to go visit my father 03:36 in New York City. 03:37 And it was my brother and I, 03:39 and we're staying there for some time, 03:41 and I came in contact with a very close family friend. 03:44 And at first, he was approachable, 03:48 very nice, and kind, but beginning that night, 03:52 because he was staying in the house with us, 03:54 beginning that night, he began to kind of talk to me in a way 03:58 that was suggestive and touched me 04:02 in different areas. 04:03 And I didn't know what to do about it. 04:04 That was my first... You were 12 years old? 04:06 Yes, it was my first contact, 04:08 sexual contact with a guy in that way. 04:10 And so I was just sitting there stunned. 04:13 And so I just kind of sat there, 04:14 and well, laid there, excuse me. 04:17 And he would just touch me and talk to me, 04:18 and I even remember giggling about it 04:20 because I just didn't know what was going on, 04:22 it was so foreign to me. 04:23 And so this went on for some days, 04:26 I would even say weeks. 04:27 Every night, he would just kind of come in 04:29 and touch me and things like that. 04:31 But then there was one day in particular, 04:33 I remember I was 12 years old, one day in particular my mom, 04:36 my stepmother, and my siblings, 04:39 they left the house and it was just he and I. 04:42 And they left for a moment just to pick up a DVD 04:45 or something downstairs 04:47 because my dad lived in a very nice high-rise. 04:49 And so they went all the way downstairs to the car 04:51 and decided to go together, and I stayed with the guy 04:53 inside the house. 04:55 And it was probably about less than ten minutes 04:57 from the time they left the home and came back. 05:00 And he pushed me into the bedroom, 05:02 and pushed me on the bed, and I remember saying to him, 05:04 "Get off of me." 05:06 And I'm trying to push him off of me, 05:07 and that's when he sexually raped me 05:11 and things like that. 05:12 And I remember hearing the door open up, 05:15 and him getting off of me and trying to put himself, 05:18 get himself back together, and I myself 05:20 even trying to hide the instant too 05:22 and say to myself, "Okay, 05:23 let me try to act like nothing happened." 05:25 And my life was just a blur at that moment 05:27 because I knew something wrong had taken place. 05:28 And I walked into the bathroom, and I tried to collect myself. 05:32 And I walked out with a smile on my face and spoke to my dad 05:35 as though nothing happened and looked to my stepmother 05:38 and my brother. 05:39 But praise God 05:40 because it was His wisdom that said to me, 05:42 there something wrong about this situation. 05:45 And I took some time to think about it, 05:46 I believe a few days, and then I called my mom first. 05:49 And I said, "Mom, mummy, 05:51 this is what just happened to me," 05:53 and I remember her crying on the phone. 05:54 I know she was devastated at the news 05:57 and not knowing what to do. 05:58 And she said, "Have you spoken to your father." 06:00 I said, "No, I haven't spoken to my father." 06:02 So I told my dad and he said, "He couldn't believe it." 06:05 He was in shock, and he asked me what happened. 06:07 And I walked him through it, and he said, "No, 06:09 this doesn't sound like a child who's making up a story. 06:12 This sounds like a true story." 06:13 And so we, from that point on, we continue the process 06:17 of just trying to get help and things like that. 06:19 And it's just been a story in my family, 06:22 with my immediate family, some of my aunts and uncles 06:24 don't really know about it, but with my immediate family. 06:26 We've kind of kept it hush-hush from this point on, 06:28 and they've dealt with it, 06:30 and they've reprimanded the person, 06:31 but it's been hush-hush. 06:32 And so it was a journey, from me, 06:35 trying to make sense of what happened, 06:37 and I remember being very angry 06:40 at the person from that point on. 06:41 I can imagine. Yeah. 06:43 Very angry, confused, and really hoping that 06:48 he would get some sort of punishment 06:52 for what was done. 06:53 And so I called around, and I was trying 06:56 to take matters into my own hand. 06:57 And you're still 12 years old? 06:59 I'm 12 years old, and so I was trying to take matters 07:01 into my own hands. 07:02 But I praise God that everything just kind of 07:05 leveled out and quieted down because I probably 07:08 didn't need the extra drama that I was gonna try 07:10 to put up on myself at that time. 07:12 And so from the age of 12 to 15, I would say, 07:16 my life was spiraling downward in a sense. 07:20 Because what happens when you're sexually abused 07:22 is that, you begin to now 07:25 acquaint yourself with sexuality, 07:27 with just like immorality in a sense, 07:30 and so you begin to see yourself 07:32 as an object more than a person. 07:34 And so you don't realize it, you don't connect the dots, 07:37 but at that point, 07:38 I began to see myself more as an object. 07:39 And so if guys gave me attention, 07:41 I love the attention, I embrace the attention. 07:44 I remember finding... 07:46 I remember going to back to my dad's house 07:49 that next summer and there was a guy there, 07:51 that I found on the streets or something like that, 07:53 and he gave me attention. 07:54 I remember we'd talk, and this is a random stranger, 07:56 I don't even know, 07:58 and I let him know about the abuse 07:59 'cause I wanted someone to talk to about it. 08:01 I let him know about the abuse 08:02 and what has just taken place in my life. 08:04 And, of course, he took advantage 08:05 of the situation and tried to, himself, 08:08 push himself upon me. 08:09 And so, it was just a spiraling downward of a life. 08:12 And so from 12 to 15, I was very much engaged in, 08:18 I wouldn't say very much sexual but I was very much engaged 08:23 in behavior that was immoral. 08:25 So seeking the world and things of the world, 08:28 finding friends who are not of God 08:31 and going where they would go, 08:33 and they would hook me up with people 08:34 and we would just be in situations 08:36 that were very compromising. 08:37 And so that, in a nutshell, is my story of just... 08:41 At that instance, at 12 years old, 08:42 my life just changing in a moment. 08:45 You know, Sabrina, I wanted to, you know, 08:46 see if you could backtrack a little bit... 08:49 In a previous episode we talked about this idea 08:52 of flirting and texting and those kinds of things. 08:56 And so I want to know if maybe you could help, 08:59 you say that it started with almost like that, 09:02 those words... 09:03 That seemed innocent. That seemed innocent. 09:05 I wonder if you can may be... 09:06 Because it seemed innocent but obviously 09:09 there was an intention behind it. 09:10 Absolutely. A motive, yeah. 09:11 So I wonder if you can, may be unpack that little more 09:13 for may be somebody, who's at home 09:15 and they're receiving that, 09:17 what they're thinking is he's innocent because oh, 09:19 he hasn't gone anywhere yet, may be if you can unpack, 09:21 may be the feeling in those things, yeah. 09:22 Very good question, Michael. 09:24 The reality is that it always, for the most part... 09:27 And well, in my story, it started off very innocent. 09:30 Just talking to me while I'm on my bed at night, 09:33 everyone's asleep, my dad has kissed me goodnight already 09:36 because he loves me to death, and I love my dad to death too. 09:39 And so it was never a problem with my love, with my dad, 09:41 but he kissed me goodnight. 09:43 And then this guy just came and just began to talk to me 09:46 and just kind of... 09:48 I remember, he was doing some suggestive things 09:51 with his body like licking his lips 09:53 and things like that, 09:55 and then he began just to touch me 09:57 and say sexual things to me. 09:58 And I'm new to this, this is foreign to me, 10:01 and so I'm just listening and it's almost like 10:04 it's a adventure in a sense. 10:06 I'm like, what's going on here, and it's a mystery to me, 10:08 and so I'm trying to unlock the mystery. 10:11 And from that point on, with the talking, 10:13 the licking of the lips, touching 10:16 and different things like that, it escalated. 10:18 And so most people think that if you're abused, 10:21 it just happens like someone just takes you 10:22 and assaults you, which in many instances 10:24 that is the case, you know, 10:26 someone approaches you from the blue. 10:28 However, there are times when it's just like, 10:30 it's very subtle, 10:31 starts off subtle and then it... 10:32 Innocent. 10:34 Innocent and then increases from there. 10:35 You know what, I want to ask you this and, you know, 10:37 also follow up with that. 10:38 Although, you know, obviously you say it's new, 10:40 I don't understand. 10:41 Was there that feeling though 10:44 that I might not understand what it is 10:45 but there's something that just doesn't... 10:47 Sit well 'cause I'm hoping our audience can say 10:51 even if you don't understand, you know, 10:52 I believe the Holy Spirit. 10:54 May be we didn't connect to the Holy Spirit then, 10:56 but something that was like this isn't... 10:57 Yeah, something said it wasn't right, of course, 11:01 but I believe I was more naive at that point. 11:03 I didn't connect all the dots, 11:05 and I connected the dots only after the assault, 11:09 the actual intercourse had taken place. 11:11 And because I knew that it was against my will. 11:14 And it's so funny, because when he approached me, 11:16 when he was just coming from an innocent standpoint, 11:20 it wasn't... 11:21 My will wasn't there, but it somehow, 11:24 it just seem like it was consensual, 11:26 like it was just mutual in a sense. 11:28 But when he assaulted me... 11:30 And I know it wasn't, excuse me, 11:31 let me just clarify that it was not consensual, 11:33 it was not mutual, he obviously had intent behind it. 11:36 But when he assaulted me against my will for sure, 11:40 that's when I began to get enraged. 11:42 But then I put all those pieces of the puzzle together 11:44 and I realized that it started off 11:46 with what seemed innocent, 11:47 and that was the beginning of the abuse. 11:50 I just want to add something real quick. 11:51 And in many situations with sexual abuse, 11:55 the victims feel like it's their fault, 11:58 that somehow they were part of like, you know, 12:01 they kind of caused it. 12:02 I don't know if that's how you felt in your situation, 12:04 but I was, you know, just kind of speak on that. 12:07 Absolutely, I praise God 12:09 because I did think it was my fault. 12:12 For about a few days, I said to myself, 12:15 "He has been talking to me and touching me, 12:18 and I said nothing." 12:19 And that I let my parents go out that door, 12:22 and I knew I was alone with him. 12:24 And so I kind of felt like, "You know what, Sabrina? 12:26 It's your fault. 12:27 You brought this upon yourself." 12:29 But I believe it was the Holy Ghost who said 12:30 it wasn't your fault, and that's when I began 12:32 to report to my mom, and to my dad, 12:34 and to whoever else I could talk to about it 12:36 because it hit me that it wasn't my fault. 12:38 The thing that's surprising about your story for me, 12:42 and it is all through the glory of God, 12:44 is it that the process that you went through 12:45 in three days is a process that many people, 12:49 who are abused, go through over a course of years... 12:52 Yes. Yeah, that's so true. 12:54 Like what was it about you, what was it that caused you 12:57 to be able to go through the start 12:59 because you just mentioned the feeling of guilt. 13:01 Some people feel the feeling of guilt 13:03 even into their adulthood, 13:05 far less being able to go through that 13:07 over three days, go through the anger 13:09 within those three days. 13:10 And then finally, bringing yourself to the point 13:12 of saying something about it, 13:14 what was it that took you through that process 13:16 so quickly? 13:17 I think immediately, at that time, 13:19 it was anger and disappointment at the person 13:22 because I believe at that age, 13:24 I saw the person almost like a friend. 13:26 And then when they assaulted me in that way, 13:28 I saw them as an enemy. 13:30 And so it was the anger that initially caused me 13:32 to go into it, but now that I look back' in hindsight, 13:35 I say to myself that it was God who gave me that insight 13:39 to go into it and actually pursue in the way that I did 13:41 because had I not, I probably would have been, 13:45 like most cases that you stretch out 13:47 the guilt throughout years, and you're struggling with it, 13:49 and your life is just overwhelmed by it. 13:51 But I believe that Lord gave me that sensitivity early on 13:55 so that now I can share my story. 13:57 I've passed through that situation in a sense. 13:59 You know that something, what I'm thinking, 14:02 where my question comes. 14:03 You had a family who kind of supported you. 14:06 I mean, so when you went to your father, 14:08 when you went to your mother, they believed you, 14:10 they were there, and that might have been something 14:12 that assisted that process. 14:14 You can turn to someone, 14:16 and they're not looking at you like you're crazy, 14:17 they're not questioning your motive, you know, 14:19 and then they take action against the individual. 14:22 What about the individual 14:23 who doesn't have that support system? 14:25 In that case, they may seem like 14:27 the guilt is stretched out longer and the recovery time, 14:31 they only have to deal with it with themselves, 14:33 they have no one to turn to. 14:34 Which is one of the problems in churches 14:35 because in churches when you're dealing with 14:37 authority figures, and figures that have been 14:40 introduced to you as someone who is supposed to help you, 14:42 someone who is spiritual, because one thing 14:45 that we're noticing during this time is that 14:47 it's not that abuse is something new, 14:50 it's finally coming to the surface. 14:53 And now in my adulthood I'm thinking back 14:55 to some of the people who were in my youth group, 14:58 and in my choir, and stuff like that, 15:01 and thinking about some behaviors or things 15:04 that I saw with parents or interactions 15:06 that, right now in my adult life, seem weird... 15:08 Questionable. Questionable. 15:10 But they're now coming to, coming to the surface. 15:14 Probably because we just believed in those 15:16 that were around us so much that we felt uncomfortable 15:19 really talking about it. 15:20 If you have an individual who rather than the father 15:23 being supportive figure, the father is the initiator 15:26 or the instigator. 15:27 You know, what do we 15:28 would we say to that individual? 15:30 You know, you can't turn to the person 15:32 because they are the abuser. 15:34 Right. 15:35 One of the important things that, you know, 15:37 in a situation like that, that the victim needs to understand 15:41 is that it's not your fault. 15:43 And I think that's just, I mean, you know, 15:45 we we've kind of said that already but that is so key. 15:48 And it's, you know, really that betrayal 15:50 especially from a parent, or from a father, from whoever, 15:54 whatever uncle or somebody in your family, is I mean, 15:58 it's so serious but it's not your fault and... 16:00 It's not okay. 16:01 It's not okay, and it is completely 16:04 okay to tell. 16:06 And, you know, and the thing is that 16:08 you may be thinking, "Well, you know, 16:09 I'm going to get this person in trouble 16:11 or I'm going to be doing a bad thing." 16:14 But actually, really, you're actually helping 16:16 that person by sharing. 16:18 Because what they're engaged in is a sickness 16:20 and they need help. 16:22 You know, I think that the problem though 16:24 is moving from the place of knowledge to emotions. 16:29 So some people are very logical. 16:31 So one plus one equals two, so all I lack really 16:34 is the knowledge to know that it's not my fault. 16:37 But then that emotional part is like a prison, it's like, 16:41 it's very difficult to move some person 16:44 out of that emotional space 16:45 where emotionally it doesn't feel like my fault, 16:49 emotionally it feels okay to be able to express in turn. 16:52 That's where it really takes the power of the Holy Spirit 16:55 to set that person free from that emotional space 16:57 where they can feel free to be able to speak, 17:00 once they have that knowledge that's it's not their fault. 17:01 Yeah, yeah, and I think, you know, 17:03 even picking back a little bit on what Alfonso said, 17:06 the idea of being able to tell and set free 17:08 isn't only going to set you free you, 17:09 it could also set someone else free. 17:11 You know, with what's going on because statistics do show 17:13 that usually those who are doing abusing 17:16 they have several others, there are... 17:18 You are not the first one or the last. 17:19 You're usually not the first. Right. 17:21 The other statistics you know show very clearly that 17:23 most of the abuse happens from individuals that we know. 17:26 It is usually not so, you know, 17:28 obviously they are plenty of circumstances 17:30 where it does come of the street 17:32 or something like that. 17:34 But that's another reason why, you know, 17:36 we have to be in our P's and Q's in churches, 17:38 in our homes and families, and all these things 17:41 because that's a place where you kind of think 17:42 you can let your guard down. 17:44 And that's usually a place sometimes, unfortunately, 17:46 where people understand the guards are let down 17:49 and it almost to a certain extent 17:51 creates an environment, even in a more practical side. 17:53 And that we do at our church for example is no matter 17:57 what, you have to be screened. 17:59 You have to be monitored because you just, 18:01 you never know who is there. 18:04 I mean, you probably would never have imagined 18:06 that someone right there within that house, 18:09 a place you feel safe, you know, 18:11 those things would happen. 18:12 So, Sabrina, let me ask you this question. 18:13 What effects do you believe that 18:16 someone who has encountered sexual abuse, 18:18 you know, has on them later down the road? 18:21 You know, like is there some residual effects 18:25 that person will still deal with later or is it kind of 18:29 isolated to just that time period? 18:31 No, no, no, there are definitely residual effects. 18:34 I can wrap it up in one word, confusion. 18:36 There is emotional confusion, sexual confusion, 18:39 spiritual confusion, mental confusion that follows, 18:42 and for everyone, its' in different degrees, 18:44 different levels. 18:45 And so you may find someone, a young lady or young man, 18:48 in particular who after... 18:49 Let's say a young man who after being 18:51 molested or raped by another man 18:54 in his family, in his church, in his society, 18:56 he finds himself now 18:58 having this affinity to towards men 19:00 and that's sexual confusion, you see what I'm saying. 19:02 Spiritual confusion, when now you don't understand God, 19:05 for a young woman whose father came and did this to them, 19:08 how do you understand your Heavenly Father, 19:10 and that's spiritual confusion. 19:11 Emotional confusion, your emotions, 19:13 you're depressed, you're not happy, 19:15 you feel unworthy, you feel helpless, 19:18 and so you mope around life, you're not the same person 19:22 that you imagined yourself to be, 19:23 and so there is emotional confusion. 19:25 Mental confusion as well where your mind is all messed up, 19:28 you are walking around and you have 19:29 very negative thoughts towards men, 19:32 towards the opposite sex, towards people 19:34 who kind of hold positions of authority, 19:37 it's like your mind is messed up as well... 19:38 It all stems back to that one moment. 19:40 Absolutely, or moments. Or moments. 19:43 Do people naturally connect the dots? 19:45 I mean, well, someone whose been, you know, 19:46 generally speaking with a person say, "The way, 19:48 the reason I view men this way or the reason 19:51 I'm sexually oriented this way is because of 19:54 what happened to me ten years ago." 19:56 Most people will not connect the dots. 19:58 Most people isolate their abuse with their lifestyle. 20:04 They'll say that happened in the past 20:06 but I'm making choices now. 20:07 So I'm making choices to be loose with my body, 20:10 I'm making choices to be involved in drugs and alcohol, 20:14 I'm making choices to stay away from God, 20:16 I don't care about God. 20:17 There are some who do have that understanding 20:20 and they put the links there, 20:21 but they still don't know how to get out of it, 20:23 which we're hoping to talk about later. 20:24 But most people, 20:25 they just allow the abuse to govern their lives, 20:29 and they sit down passively watching their lives. 20:32 And they don't realize it 'cause they think that 20:34 they're the ones initiating, but they're not. 20:36 It's the abuse that's been doing all the work. 20:37 The abuse is still working. 20:38 Yes and they have to identify that and see that 20:40 the abuse actually does affect their lives later on. 20:43 And so someone comes down to the altar 20:45 and they're talking about the fact that they're abused. 20:47 And we stand up, we raise our hands, 20:49 and declare, "You're now healed," 20:51 you know, as if it goes away. 20:53 It seems as if the healing process, 20:55 the healing issue is a process. 20:58 How do you go through that process 20:59 'cause I've been to conferences where someone that says, 21:02 "Your virginity is restored. 21:04 You're not only a new, brand clean, like virgin." 21:08 As if the consequences, I'm not going to have to deal 21:11 with those consequences. 21:12 How do we go through that healing process 21:16 rather than just raising our hands 21:17 or just declaring that it is? 21:19 I think you're using the right word, it's a process, 21:21 it's not just an instantaneous thing. 21:23 God can give you the victory now, 21:25 you're cleansed, 21:26 you're restored instantaneously. 21:28 But now when it comes to all that extra stuff 21:30 going on with in you, it's a process 21:32 that God himself will take time with you, 21:34 and hopefully human beings 21:36 will take time with you as well. 21:37 And so you seek counseling, whether it be pastoral 21:39 or mental health counseling. 21:41 You go and talk to individuals about it. 21:43 You spend some time in your prayer 21:44 closet dealing with it. 21:46 And God understands we're, that the abuse affected you, 21:49 and how you view Him. 21:51 For those who are, you know, they've taken aback 21:53 when it comes to religion, God understands that, 21:55 and He'll take his time with you as well. 21:56 So it's a process. Amen. 21:59 You know, Sabrina, I wanted to ask you this. 22:02 There's somebody watching the show right now 22:04 who maybe doesn't have a good support system at home, 22:07 maybe they do. 22:09 And they're completely resonating with 22:12 what we're talking about. 22:13 They've been abused, whether it's a friend, 22:16 family member or whatever. 22:17 What's the step, what do they do now? 22:20 What would you suggest they do? 22:22 Someone who has a good support system, 22:24 someone who really, may be doesn't have 22:25 that mother or father as you call them, 22:27 what do they do right now? 22:28 I'm going to break it up into two parts. 22:29 For those who are in a situation right now, 22:32 currently where they're being abused, 22:34 I would say, "They have to tell someone." 22:38 Someone that they know can take it to the next level. 22:40 Not just if you're 16 and another 16 year old, 22:43 just confiding, no, no, no... 22:45 You need to speak to an authority figure, 22:46 whether it be your pastor or your parents, 22:49 if you trust them, 22:51 but if you can speak to your parents... 22:52 A teacher. 22:53 A teacher or call a hotline, 22:56 which we're hoping to provide that information. 22:58 Absolutely, and so call a hotline, 23:00 go to speak to a counselor, 23:02 someone you've seen in your church. 23:03 But whenever you get an opportunity 23:04 to be away from that person, let's say you're in church, 23:07 and let's say if that person is a part your family, 23:09 they're on one side of the church 23:11 while you're the other side the church, 23:12 go slip into the pastor's office 23:14 and speak to the pastor about it 23:16 or go find someone in the community 23:18 that you can talk to, whether it be a counselor 23:21 or a legislator, whoever it could be, 23:23 but just find someone to talk about it 23:24 so that you can get yourself out of there 23:26 because, in most instances, 23:27 if you are currently in a situation 23:29 and this happened to several times, 23:30 you're trying to protect the person. 23:33 You need to protect yourself first. 23:36 You count much more. 23:37 If that person loved you, 23:39 they wouldn't have done that to you. 23:40 They don't really care and value as an individual. 23:42 So protect yourself, 23:44 God wants to protect you, He is there for you. 23:47 This person is taking advantage of who you are. 23:49 And so go to someone now 23:51 and find the help that you need. 23:53 And do not protect that offender. 23:55 Now for those who have passed that stage now 23:58 and it's been years since they've been assaulted 24:00 and things like that. 24:02 I would say to them that 24:03 they should probably go seek counseling, 24:05 talk to a pastor about it as well, 24:08 and speak to someone that they feel like 24:09 they can confide in, that will help them. 24:11 Because I've realized in all of this, for the person 24:14 who's passed that moment is that, 24:16 the worst thing you can do is find people 24:18 who only align you with your victim identity. 24:22 You need someone who sees... 24:26 Yes, they empathize with what you've gone through, 24:28 but at the same time they see your rebound, 24:30 they see you coming out it. 24:31 They see you as a victor. 24:33 And so they're there not only to mope around 24:36 and to spoon feed your fall, but to give you like 24:39 a handful of your victory, you see what I'm saying. 24:41 So they're to actually get you up out of the situation. 24:44 You don't need a fellow girlfriend 24:45 or another guy where you just going to talk about 24:47 because I've had so many people just say, yeah, 24:49 I've been abused and this and that, 24:50 that's why they want to stay right there. 24:52 They want to stay there. 24:53 But you need someone with the insight 24:55 and spiritual fortitude to say, 24:57 "No, no, we're going to help get you up 24:58 out of this situation." 25:00 That's important, that's good stuff. 25:01 You can assist though, let's say, 25:03 I have told someone 25:06 and I've gone through a process, 25:08 I've gotten some help, I'm better. 25:09 But I haven't told on the person 25:12 and it's been years later. 25:14 Should I still, let's say I'm healed, 25:15 let's say I'm still going to the process, 25:18 but I haven't really "Out at that person," 25:20 do I still do it even though I am better now? 25:23 You know, I would say as counselor in training, 25:27 do what you feel is best. 25:29 As Long as you know as an individual 25:31 that you're getting better, do what you feel is best 25:35 but always be mindful that the person, 25:36 if they attacked you, 25:39 they most likely will attack others. 25:41 And it may seem scandalous if you let them know, 25:44 if you let other people know who the person is specifically, 25:47 but think about it as protecting others as well. 25:49 Even if it is years later? 25:51 Even if it is years later 25:52 because if you come into my counseling office, 25:54 I'm supervised right now, and you sit down, 25:56 and you let me know that 25:58 someone had molested you ten years ago, 26:00 I have a duty to report. 26:02 It doesn't matter if it was ten years ago, 26:04 fifteen years ago, I have to report 26:06 'cause who knows if this person is doing this 26:08 to someone else, so... 26:09 I want to go back to something that you mentioned before. 26:11 So we're all pastors, and we've had some training 26:14 in the area of counseling. 26:16 You're instructing people to come to us, 26:19 you've mentioned some things 26:21 that we should or should not do, 26:23 but could you kind of walk us through that 26:24 and walk the audience through that 26:26 because we believe that out there are not just people 26:28 who've been abused but there's somewhere out there 26:31 who's going to be approached by someone 26:33 who has been abused. 26:34 How are we approaching that? 26:36 What are we saying, what do we not say to someone? 26:39 As pastors? 26:40 Just as, just people who will be approached 26:43 or could be approached by someone who was abused. 26:45 Okay, okay, someone approaches you... 26:47 Yes. And they were abused. 26:48 What's some of the counsel 26:50 that you can offer to that individual? 26:51 Yes. 26:53 Well, that's a good question. 26:55 Let's say I am just a regular person 26:57 or let's start off with this a regular person, a friend. 27:00 I would definitely advise the friend 27:02 to let an authority figure know. 27:04 Empathize with the person first. 27:05 I mean, of course, you're there with them, 27:07 you love them, you let them know that 27:08 I understand the situation at your end, empathize, 27:11 but let them know you've got to let someone else know 27:13 who can do something about it, that's very important. 27:16 Especially if the person is going to go back 27:17 into that situation, 27:20 you must let somebody else know. 27:21 And if you're that person, that friend, 27:23 help them out with that decision. 27:25 Walk them through, say, 27:26 "I'll be right there by your side. 27:27 You don't have to do this alone." 27:29 As a pastor, I would definitely take it seriously 27:32 and speak to the person say that 27:33 this is very important to me. 27:35 Let the person know how important it is to you 27:36 because now they feel a sense of accountability 27:38 'cause they've aligned themselves, 27:40 that accountability with the offender, 27:41 you see what I'm saying? 27:43 They're trying to protect the person, 27:44 and now they can see you as someone 27:45 that they can be uncountable to. 27:47 This topic is too good for us just to stop right now. 27:48 And I thank you for coming and sharing your experience. 27:50 We want to follow this conversation up 27:52 and we have to do so, on Facebook. 27:53 So for all of our viewers we want you to come 27:55 and see us on Facebook. 27:57 Facebook, type in Pure Choices, 27:58 and you can dialogue and talk with us. 28:00 We're sorry we're running out of time. 28:01 Come back and see us next week, we will just be... 28:02 And don't forget that 28:04 there is information on the end that we're going to give them. 28:06 Yeah, we'll give you some information at the end 28:07 as well, that should be coming up just about now. 28:09 So come back and see if next week 28:11 we're going to have another hot 28:12 and serious topic to discuss. 28:13 See you then. 28:15 They are probably doing the takeaways now. 28:17 Yeah. Take away shot. 28:18 We just ran out of time. |
Revised 2018-01-18