Pure Choices

Sexual Abuse / Molestation

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Seth Yelorda (Host), Alfonzo Greene, Damien Chandler, Michael Kelley, Sabrina Etienne


Series Code: PC

Program Code: PC000009

00:29 Welcome to Pure Choices.
00:30 I'm so glad that you decided to join us today
00:33 for another episode where we are going to be
00:35 dealing with another hot but yet serious topic.
00:38 As you know, all season long,
00:39 we've been dealing with some sensitive issues
00:41 concerning our sexuality, and how we, as youth
00:44 and young adults, can strive to live pure lives.
00:46 And today is not going to be any different.
00:48 We're going to be diving right in.
00:49 But before we do that, I want to take a moment
00:51 and just introduce, to you, my colleagues
00:53 and one special guest that we have with us today.
00:56 To my immediate left, we have my brother,
00:58 Pastor Alfonzo Greene, who is joining us again,
01:01 and he, of course, is from the Huntsville First Church
01:04 in Huntsville, Alabama.
01:05 And then we have a special guest,
01:07 and you're going to hear more from her shortly,
01:08 Miss Sabrina Etienne, she is a master's student,
01:11 studying Clinical Counseling
01:13 from Southern Adventist University
01:16 right outside of Collegedale or in Collegedale,
01:18 right outside of Chattanooga.
01:19 And then we have my brother, Pastor Damian Chandler,
01:23 who is one of the pastors at the Madison Mission Church
01:26 in Madison, Alabama.
01:28 And then, of course, we have Pastor Michael B. Kelley,
01:32 who's here with us again, all the way from Riverside,
01:36 California, at the Mt. Rubidoux SDA Church.
01:39 And I am your host, Pastor Seth Yelorda,
01:41 and we're just all glad to be here.
01:43 Our topic of discussion today is going to be something
01:46 that many of us, we've heard in the news,
01:48 we've seen it, or we've heard, at least we've heard of it
01:50 in churches around,
01:52 and that is sexual abuse and molestation.
01:54 And this is not something
01:56 that is new to anybody out there.
01:58 You know, there's been stories in the news about, you know,
02:01 that have surrounded the Penn State coaching,
02:03 the allegations that have surrounded
02:05 the Penn State coaching staff as far as sexual abuse.
02:09 There is also the allegations
02:11 from the coaching staff at Syracuse.
02:14 Not to mention, if you go a few years back,
02:16 the big scandal in the Catholic Church,
02:19 when it came to the allegations about sexual abuse there.
02:22 And then, there was the prominent minister
02:23 in Atlanta, Georgia,
02:25 who was accused of sexual abuse.
02:28 And so we know that this is something
02:29 that is just taking the church, taking society by storm.
02:33 And it almost seems like the more we continue living,
02:36 the more stories come out,
02:37 and the worse they get, you know.
02:40 And so today, we just want to deal with this,
02:42 we want to just kind of hit at the root of it,
02:44 and then for anyone out there
02:46 who has experienced sexual abuse
02:48 or is even going through presently an abusing,
02:52 sexual abusive situation, we want to give you hope
02:54 and just give you some real tools
02:56 that you can use to get out of this situation and find,
03:00 you know, wholeness and healing in Christ.
03:02 We have with us a special guest,
03:04 Miss Sabrina Etienne.
03:06 And Sabrina, she lives in the Chattanooga area
03:09 and I know her personally.
03:10 She actually works closely with me at my church,
03:12 and she has had an opportunity to share with me her story
03:16 as far as some sexual abuse
03:17 that she experienced when she was growing up.
03:19 And I just want to turn to Sabrina now, and just,
03:21 you know, just have you talk to us briefly
03:23 about your experience,
03:24 and how the Lord kind of brought you through that?
03:29 I'm happy to be here today with you all.
03:32 At 12 years old, I went to go visit my father
03:36 in New York City.
03:37 And it was my brother and I,
03:39 and we're staying there for some time,
03:41 and I came in contact with a very close family friend.
03:44 And at first, he was approachable,
03:48 very nice, and kind, but beginning that night,
03:52 because he was staying in the house with us,
03:54 beginning that night, he began to kind of talk to me in a way
03:58 that was suggestive and touched me
04:02 in different areas.
04:03 And I didn't know what to do about it.
04:04 That was my first... You were 12 years old?
04:06 Yes, it was my first contact,
04:08 sexual contact with a guy in that way.
04:10 And so I was just sitting there stunned.
04:13 And so I just kind of sat there,
04:14 and well, laid there, excuse me.
04:17 And he would just touch me and talk to me,
04:18 and I even remember giggling about it
04:20 because I just didn't know what was going on,
04:22 it was so foreign to me.
04:23 And so this went on for some days,
04:26 I would even say weeks.
04:27 Every night, he would just kind of come in
04:29 and touch me and things like that.
04:31 But then there was one day in particular,
04:33 I remember I was 12 years old, one day in particular my mom,
04:36 my stepmother, and my siblings,
04:39 they left the house and it was just he and I.
04:42 And they left for a moment just to pick up a DVD
04:45 or something downstairs
04:47 because my dad lived in a very nice high-rise.
04:49 And so they went all the way downstairs to the car
04:51 and decided to go together, and I stayed with the guy
04:53 inside the house.
04:55 And it was probably about less than ten minutes
04:57 from the time they left the home and came back.
05:00 And he pushed me into the bedroom,
05:02 and pushed me on the bed, and I remember saying to him,
05:04 "Get off of me."
05:06 And I'm trying to push him off of me,
05:07 and that's when he sexually raped me
05:11 and things like that.
05:12 And I remember hearing the door open up,
05:15 and him getting off of me and trying to put himself,
05:18 get himself back together, and I myself
05:20 even trying to hide the instant too
05:22 and say to myself, "Okay,
05:23 let me try to act like nothing happened."
05:25 And my life was just a blur at that moment
05:27 because I knew something wrong had taken place.
05:28 And I walked into the bathroom, and I tried to collect myself.
05:32 And I walked out with a smile on my face and spoke to my dad
05:35 as though nothing happened and looked to my stepmother
05:38 and my brother.
05:39 But praise God
05:40 because it was His wisdom that said to me,
05:42 there something wrong about this situation.
05:45 And I took some time to think about it,
05:46 I believe a few days, and then I called my mom first.
05:49 And I said, "Mom, mummy,
05:51 this is what just happened to me,"
05:53 and I remember her crying on the phone.
05:54 I know she was devastated at the news
05:57 and not knowing what to do.
05:58 And she said, "Have you spoken to your father."
06:00 I said, "No, I haven't spoken to my father."
06:02 So I told my dad and he said, "He couldn't believe it."
06:05 He was in shock, and he asked me what happened.
06:07 And I walked him through it, and he said, "No,
06:09 this doesn't sound like a child who's making up a story.
06:12 This sounds like a true story."
06:13 And so we, from that point on, we continue the process
06:17 of just trying to get help and things like that.
06:19 And it's just been a story in my family,
06:22 with my immediate family, some of my aunts and uncles
06:24 don't really know about it, but with my immediate family.
06:26 We've kind of kept it hush-hush from this point on,
06:28 and they've dealt with it,
06:30 and they've reprimanded the person,
06:31 but it's been hush-hush.
06:32 And so it was a journey, from me,
06:35 trying to make sense of what happened,
06:37 and I remember being very angry
06:40 at the person from that point on.
06:41 I can imagine. Yeah.
06:43 Very angry, confused, and really hoping that
06:48 he would get some sort of punishment
06:52 for what was done.
06:53 And so I called around, and I was trying
06:56 to take matters into my own hand.
06:57 And you're still 12 years old?
06:59 I'm 12 years old, and so I was trying to take matters
07:01 into my own hands.
07:02 But I praise God that everything just kind of
07:05 leveled out and quieted down because I probably
07:08 didn't need the extra drama that I was gonna try
07:10 to put up on myself at that time.
07:12 And so from the age of 12 to 15, I would say,
07:16 my life was spiraling downward in a sense.
07:20 Because what happens when you're sexually abused
07:22 is that, you begin to now
07:25 acquaint yourself with sexuality,
07:27 with just like immorality in a sense,
07:30 and so you begin to see yourself
07:32 as an object more than a person.
07:34 And so you don't realize it, you don't connect the dots,
07:37 but at that point,
07:38 I began to see myself more as an object.
07:39 And so if guys gave me attention,
07:41 I love the attention, I embrace the attention.
07:44 I remember finding...
07:46 I remember going to back to my dad's house
07:49 that next summer and there was a guy there,
07:51 that I found on the streets or something like that,
07:53 and he gave me attention.
07:54 I remember we'd talk, and this is a random stranger,
07:56 I don't even know,
07:58 and I let him know about the abuse
07:59 'cause I wanted someone to talk to about it.
08:01 I let him know about the abuse
08:02 and what has just taken place in my life.
08:04 And, of course, he took advantage
08:05 of the situation and tried to, himself,
08:08 push himself upon me.
08:09 And so, it was just a spiraling downward of a life.
08:12 And so from 12 to 15, I was very much engaged in,
08:18 I wouldn't say very much sexual but I was very much engaged
08:23 in behavior that was immoral.
08:25 So seeking the world and things of the world,
08:28 finding friends who are not of God
08:31 and going where they would go,
08:33 and they would hook me up with people
08:34 and we would just be in situations
08:36 that were very compromising.
08:37 And so that, in a nutshell, is my story of just...
08:41 At that instance, at 12 years old,
08:42 my life just changing in a moment.
08:45 You know, Sabrina, I wanted to, you know,
08:46 see if you could backtrack a little bit...
08:49 In a previous episode we talked about this idea
08:52 of flirting and texting and those kinds of things.
08:56 And so I want to know if maybe you could help,
08:59 you say that it started with almost like that,
09:02 those words...
09:03 That seemed innocent. That seemed innocent.
09:05 I wonder if you can may be...
09:06 Because it seemed innocent but obviously
09:09 there was an intention behind it.
09:10 Absolutely. A motive, yeah.
09:11 So I wonder if you can, may be unpack that little more
09:13 for may be somebody, who's at home
09:15 and they're receiving that,
09:17 what they're thinking is he's innocent because oh,
09:19 he hasn't gone anywhere yet, may be if you can unpack,
09:21 may be the feeling in those things, yeah.
09:22 Very good question, Michael.
09:24 The reality is that it always, for the most part...
09:27 And well, in my story, it started off very innocent.
09:30 Just talking to me while I'm on my bed at night,
09:33 everyone's asleep, my dad has kissed me goodnight already
09:36 because he loves me to death, and I love my dad to death too.
09:39 And so it was never a problem with my love, with my dad,
09:41 but he kissed me goodnight.
09:43 And then this guy just came and just began to talk to me
09:46 and just kind of...
09:48 I remember, he was doing some suggestive things
09:51 with his body like licking his lips
09:53 and things like that,
09:55 and then he began just to touch me
09:57 and say sexual things to me.
09:58 And I'm new to this, this is foreign to me,
10:01 and so I'm just listening and it's almost like
10:04 it's a adventure in a sense.
10:06 I'm like, what's going on here, and it's a mystery to me,
10:08 and so I'm trying to unlock the mystery.
10:11 And from that point on, with the talking,
10:13 the licking of the lips, touching
10:16 and different things like that, it escalated.
10:18 And so most people think that if you're abused,
10:21 it just happens like someone just takes you
10:22 and assaults you, which in many instances
10:24 that is the case, you know,
10:26 someone approaches you from the blue.
10:28 However, there are times when it's just like,
10:30 it's very subtle,
10:31 starts off subtle and then it...
10:32 Innocent.
10:34 Innocent and then increases from there.
10:35 You know what, I want to ask you this and, you know,
10:37 also follow up with that.
10:38 Although, you know, obviously you say it's new,
10:40 I don't understand.
10:41 Was there that feeling though
10:44 that I might not understand what it is
10:45 but there's something that just doesn't...
10:47 Sit well 'cause I'm hoping our audience can say
10:51 even if you don't understand, you know,
10:52 I believe the Holy Spirit.
10:54 May be we didn't connect to the Holy Spirit then,
10:56 but something that was like this isn't...
10:57 Yeah, something said it wasn't right, of course,
11:01 but I believe I was more naive at that point.
11:03 I didn't connect all the dots,
11:05 and I connected the dots only after the assault,
11:09 the actual intercourse had taken place.
11:11 And because I knew that it was against my will.
11:14 And it's so funny, because when he approached me,
11:16 when he was just coming from an innocent standpoint,
11:20 it wasn't...
11:21 My will wasn't there, but it somehow,
11:24 it just seem like it was consensual,
11:26 like it was just mutual in a sense.
11:28 But when he assaulted me...
11:30 And I know it wasn't, excuse me,
11:31 let me just clarify that it was not consensual,
11:33 it was not mutual, he obviously had intent behind it.
11:36 But when he assaulted me against my will for sure,
11:40 that's when I began to get enraged.
11:42 But then I put all those pieces of the puzzle together
11:44 and I realized that it started off
11:46 with what seemed innocent,
11:47 and that was the beginning of the abuse.
11:50 I just want to add something real quick.
11:51 And in many situations with sexual abuse,
11:55 the victims feel like it's their fault,
11:58 that somehow they were part of like, you know,
12:01 they kind of caused it.
12:02 I don't know if that's how you felt in your situation,
12:04 but I was, you know, just kind of speak on that.
12:07 Absolutely, I praise God
12:09 because I did think it was my fault.
12:12 For about a few days, I said to myself,
12:15 "He has been talking to me and touching me,
12:18 and I said nothing."
12:19 And that I let my parents go out that door,
12:22 and I knew I was alone with him.
12:24 And so I kind of felt like, "You know what, Sabrina?
12:26 It's your fault.
12:27 You brought this upon yourself."
12:29 But I believe it was the Holy Ghost who said
12:30 it wasn't your fault, and that's when I began
12:32 to report to my mom, and to my dad,
12:34 and to whoever else I could talk to about it
12:36 because it hit me that it wasn't my fault.
12:38 The thing that's surprising about your story for me,
12:42 and it is all through the glory of God,
12:44 is it that the process that you went through
12:45 in three days is a process that many people,
12:49 who are abused, go through over a course of years...
12:52 Yes. Yeah, that's so true.
12:54 Like what was it about you, what was it that caused you
12:57 to be able to go through the start
12:59 because you just mentioned the feeling of guilt.
13:01 Some people feel the feeling of guilt
13:03 even into their adulthood,
13:05 far less being able to go through that
13:07 over three days, go through the anger
13:09 within those three days.
13:10 And then finally, bringing yourself to the point
13:12 of saying something about it,
13:14 what was it that took you through that process
13:16 so quickly?
13:17 I think immediately, at that time,
13:19 it was anger and disappointment at the person
13:22 because I believe at that age,
13:24 I saw the person almost like a friend.
13:26 And then when they assaulted me in that way,
13:28 I saw them as an enemy.
13:30 And so it was the anger that initially caused me
13:32 to go into it, but now that I look back' in hindsight,
13:35 I say to myself that it was God who gave me that insight
13:39 to go into it and actually pursue in the way that I did
13:41 because had I not, I probably would have been,
13:45 like most cases that you stretch out
13:47 the guilt throughout years, and you're struggling with it,
13:49 and your life is just overwhelmed by it.
13:51 But I believe that Lord gave me that sensitivity early on
13:55 so that now I can share my story.
13:57 I've passed through that situation in a sense.
13:59 You know that something, what I'm thinking,
14:02 where my question comes.
14:03 You had a family who kind of supported you.
14:06 I mean, so when you went to your father,
14:08 when you went to your mother, they believed you,
14:10 they were there, and that might have been something
14:12 that assisted that process.
14:14 You can turn to someone,
14:16 and they're not looking at you like you're crazy,
14:17 they're not questioning your motive, you know,
14:19 and then they take action against the individual.
14:22 What about the individual
14:23 who doesn't have that support system?
14:25 In that case, they may seem like
14:27 the guilt is stretched out longer and the recovery time,
14:31 they only have to deal with it with themselves,
14:33 they have no one to turn to.
14:34 Which is one of the problems in churches
14:35 because in churches when you're dealing with
14:37 authority figures, and figures that have been
14:40 introduced to you as someone who is supposed to help you,
14:42 someone who is spiritual, because one thing
14:45 that we're noticing during this time is that
14:47 it's not that abuse is something new,
14:50 it's finally coming to the surface.
14:53 And now in my adulthood I'm thinking back
14:55 to some of the people who were in my youth group,
14:58 and in my choir, and stuff like that,
15:01 and thinking about some behaviors or things
15:04 that I saw with parents or interactions
15:06 that, right now in my adult life, seem weird...
15:08 Questionable. Questionable.
15:10 But they're now coming to, coming to the surface.
15:14 Probably because we just believed in those
15:16 that were around us so much that we felt uncomfortable
15:19 really talking about it.
15:20 If you have an individual who rather than the father
15:23 being supportive figure, the father is the initiator
15:26 or the instigator.
15:27 You know, what do we
15:28 would we say to that individual?
15:30 You know, you can't turn to the person
15:32 because they are the abuser.
15:34 Right.
15:35 One of the important things that, you know,
15:37 in a situation like that, that the victim needs to understand
15:41 is that it's not your fault.
15:43 And I think that's just, I mean, you know,
15:45 we we've kind of said that already but that is so key.
15:48 And it's, you know, really that betrayal
15:50 especially from a parent, or from a father, from whoever,
15:54 whatever uncle or somebody in your family, is I mean,
15:58 it's so serious but it's not your fault and...
16:00 It's not okay.
16:01 It's not okay, and it is completely
16:04 okay to tell.
16:06 And, you know, and the thing is that
16:08 you may be thinking, "Well, you know,
16:09 I'm going to get this person in trouble
16:11 or I'm going to be doing a bad thing."
16:14 But actually, really, you're actually helping
16:16 that person by sharing.
16:18 Because what they're engaged in is a sickness
16:20 and they need help.
16:22 You know, I think that the problem though
16:24 is moving from the place of knowledge to emotions.
16:29 So some people are very logical.
16:31 So one plus one equals two, so all I lack really
16:34 is the knowledge to know that it's not my fault.
16:37 But then that emotional part is like a prison, it's like,
16:41 it's very difficult to move some person
16:44 out of that emotional space
16:45 where emotionally it doesn't feel like my fault,
16:49 emotionally it feels okay to be able to express in turn.
16:52 That's where it really takes the power of the Holy Spirit
16:55 to set that person free from that emotional space
16:57 where they can feel free to be able to speak,
17:00 once they have that knowledge that's it's not their fault.
17:01 Yeah, yeah, and I think, you know,
17:03 even picking back a little bit on what Alfonso said,
17:06 the idea of being able to tell and set free
17:08 isn't only going to set you free you,
17:09 it could also set someone else free.
17:11 You know, with what's going on because statistics do show
17:13 that usually those who are doing abusing
17:16 they have several others, there are...
17:18 You are not the first one or the last.
17:19 You're usually not the first. Right.
17:21 The other statistics you know show very clearly that
17:23 most of the abuse happens from individuals that we know.
17:26 It is usually not so, you know,
17:28 obviously they are plenty of circumstances
17:30 where it does come of the street
17:32 or something like that.
17:34 But that's another reason why, you know,
17:36 we have to be in our P's and Q's in churches,
17:38 in our homes and families, and all these things
17:41 because that's a place where you kind of think
17:42 you can let your guard down.
17:44 And that's usually a place sometimes, unfortunately,
17:46 where people understand the guards are let down
17:49 and it almost to a certain extent
17:51 creates an environment, even in a more practical side.
17:53 And that we do at our church for example is no matter
17:57 what, you have to be screened.
17:59 You have to be monitored because you just,
18:01 you never know who is there.
18:04 I mean, you probably would never have imagined
18:06 that someone right there within that house,
18:09 a place you feel safe, you know,
18:11 those things would happen.
18:12 So, Sabrina, let me ask you this question.
18:13 What effects do you believe that
18:16 someone who has encountered sexual abuse,
18:18 you know, has on them later down the road?
18:21 You know, like is there some residual effects
18:25 that person will still deal with later or is it kind of
18:29 isolated to just that time period?
18:31 No, no, no, there are definitely residual effects.
18:34 I can wrap it up in one word, confusion.
18:36 There is emotional confusion, sexual confusion,
18:39 spiritual confusion, mental confusion that follows,
18:42 and for everyone, its' in different degrees,
18:44 different levels.
18:45 And so you may find someone, a young lady or young man,
18:48 in particular who after...
18:49 Let's say a young man who after being
18:51 molested or raped by another man
18:54 in his family, in his church, in his society,
18:56 he finds himself now
18:58 having this affinity to towards men
19:00 and that's sexual confusion, you see what I'm saying.
19:02 Spiritual confusion, when now you don't understand God,
19:05 for a young woman whose father came and did this to them,
19:08 how do you understand your Heavenly Father,
19:10 and that's spiritual confusion.
19:11 Emotional confusion, your emotions,
19:13 you're depressed, you're not happy,
19:15 you feel unworthy, you feel helpless,
19:18 and so you mope around life, you're not the same person
19:22 that you imagined yourself to be,
19:23 and so there is emotional confusion.
19:25 Mental confusion as well where your mind is all messed up,
19:28 you are walking around and you have
19:29 very negative thoughts towards men,
19:32 towards the opposite sex, towards people
19:34 who kind of hold positions of authority,
19:37 it's like your mind is messed up as well...
19:38 It all stems back to that one moment.
19:40 Absolutely, or moments. Or moments.
19:43 Do people naturally connect the dots?
19:45 I mean, well, someone whose been, you know,
19:46 generally speaking with a person say, "The way,
19:48 the reason I view men this way or the reason
19:51 I'm sexually oriented this way is because of
19:54 what happened to me ten years ago."
19:56 Most people will not connect the dots.
19:58 Most people isolate their abuse with their lifestyle.
20:04 They'll say that happened in the past
20:06 but I'm making choices now.
20:07 So I'm making choices to be loose with my body,
20:10 I'm making choices to be involved in drugs and alcohol,
20:14 I'm making choices to stay away from God,
20:16 I don't care about God.
20:17 There are some who do have that understanding
20:20 and they put the links there,
20:21 but they still don't know how to get out of it,
20:23 which we're hoping to talk about later.
20:24 But most people,
20:25 they just allow the abuse to govern their lives,
20:29 and they sit down passively watching their lives.
20:32 And they don't realize it 'cause they think that
20:34 they're the ones initiating, but they're not.
20:36 It's the abuse that's been doing all the work.
20:37 The abuse is still working.
20:38 Yes and they have to identify that and see that
20:40 the abuse actually does affect their lives later on.
20:43 And so someone comes down to the altar
20:45 and they're talking about the fact that they're abused.
20:47 And we stand up, we raise our hands,
20:49 and declare, "You're now healed,"
20:51 you know, as if it goes away.
20:53 It seems as if the healing process,
20:55 the healing issue is a process.
20:58 How do you go through that process
20:59 'cause I've been to conferences where someone that says,
21:02 "Your virginity is restored.
21:04 You're not only a new, brand clean, like virgin."
21:08 As if the consequences, I'm not going to have to deal
21:11 with those consequences.
21:12 How do we go through that healing process
21:16 rather than just raising our hands
21:17 or just declaring that it is?
21:19 I think you're using the right word, it's a process,
21:21 it's not just an instantaneous thing.
21:23 God can give you the victory now,
21:25 you're cleansed,
21:26 you're restored instantaneously.
21:28 But now when it comes to all that extra stuff
21:30 going on with in you, it's a process
21:32 that God himself will take time with you,
21:34 and hopefully human beings
21:36 will take time with you as well.
21:37 And so you seek counseling, whether it be pastoral
21:39 or mental health counseling.
21:41 You go and talk to individuals about it.
21:43 You spend some time in your prayer
21:44 closet dealing with it.
21:46 And God understands we're, that the abuse affected you,
21:49 and how you view Him.
21:51 For those who are, you know, they've taken aback
21:53 when it comes to religion, God understands that,
21:55 and He'll take his time with you as well.
21:56 So it's a process. Amen.
21:59 You know, Sabrina, I wanted to ask you this.
22:02 There's somebody watching the show right now
22:04 who maybe doesn't have a good support system at home,
22:07 maybe they do.
22:09 And they're completely resonating with
22:12 what we're talking about.
22:13 They've been abused, whether it's a friend,
22:16 family member or whatever.
22:17 What's the step, what do they do now?
22:20 What would you suggest they do?
22:22 Someone who has a good support system,
22:24 someone who really, may be doesn't have
22:25 that mother or father as you call them,
22:27 what do they do right now?
22:28 I'm going to break it up into two parts.
22:29 For those who are in a situation right now,
22:32 currently where they're being abused,
22:34 I would say, "They have to tell someone."
22:38 Someone that they know can take it to the next level.
22:40 Not just if you're 16 and another 16 year old,
22:43 just confiding, no, no, no...
22:45 You need to speak to an authority figure,
22:46 whether it be your pastor or your parents,
22:49 if you trust them,
22:51 but if you can speak to your parents...
22:52 A teacher.
22:53 A teacher or call a hotline,
22:56 which we're hoping to provide that information.
22:58 Absolutely, and so call a hotline,
23:00 go to speak to a counselor,
23:02 someone you've seen in your church.
23:03 But whenever you get an opportunity
23:04 to be away from that person, let's say you're in church,
23:07 and let's say if that person is a part your family,
23:09 they're on one side of the church
23:11 while you're the other side the church,
23:12 go slip into the pastor's office
23:14 and speak to the pastor about it
23:16 or go find someone in the community
23:18 that you can talk to, whether it be a counselor
23:21 or a legislator, whoever it could be,
23:23 but just find someone to talk about it
23:24 so that you can get yourself out of there
23:26 because, in most instances,
23:27 if you are currently in a situation
23:29 and this happened to several times,
23:30 you're trying to protect the person.
23:33 You need to protect yourself first.
23:36 You count much more.
23:37 If that person loved you,
23:39 they wouldn't have done that to you.
23:40 They don't really care and value as an individual.
23:42 So protect yourself,
23:44 God wants to protect you, He is there for you.
23:47 This person is taking advantage of who you are.
23:49 And so go to someone now
23:51 and find the help that you need.
23:53 And do not protect that offender.
23:55 Now for those who have passed that stage now
23:58 and it's been years since they've been assaulted
24:00 and things like that.
24:02 I would say to them that
24:03 they should probably go seek counseling,
24:05 talk to a pastor about it as well,
24:08 and speak to someone that they feel like
24:09 they can confide in, that will help them.
24:11 Because I've realized in all of this, for the person
24:14 who's passed that moment is that,
24:16 the worst thing you can do is find people
24:18 who only align you with your victim identity.
24:22 You need someone who sees...
24:26 Yes, they empathize with what you've gone through,
24:28 but at the same time they see your rebound,
24:30 they see you coming out it.
24:31 They see you as a victor.
24:33 And so they're there not only to mope around
24:36 and to spoon feed your fall, but to give you like
24:39 a handful of your victory, you see what I'm saying.
24:41 So they're to actually get you up out of the situation.
24:44 You don't need a fellow girlfriend
24:45 or another guy where you just going to talk about
24:47 because I've had so many people just say, yeah,
24:49 I've been abused and this and that,
24:50 that's why they want to stay right there.
24:52 They want to stay there.
24:53 But you need someone with the insight
24:55 and spiritual fortitude to say,
24:57 "No, no, we're going to help get you up
24:58 out of this situation."
25:00 That's important, that's good stuff.
25:01 You can assist though, let's say,
25:03 I have told someone
25:06 and I've gone through a process,
25:08 I've gotten some help, I'm better.
25:09 But I haven't told on the person
25:12 and it's been years later.
25:14 Should I still, let's say I'm healed,
25:15 let's say I'm still going to the process,
25:18 but I haven't really "Out at that person,"
25:20 do I still do it even though I am better now?
25:23 You know, I would say as counselor in training,
25:27 do what you feel is best.
25:29 As Long as you know as an individual
25:31 that you're getting better, do what you feel is best
25:35 but always be mindful that the person,
25:36 if they attacked you,
25:39 they most likely will attack others.
25:41 And it may seem scandalous if you let them know,
25:44 if you let other people know who the person is specifically,
25:47 but think about it as protecting others as well.
25:49 Even if it is years later?
25:51 Even if it is years later
25:52 because if you come into my counseling office,
25:54 I'm supervised right now, and you sit down,
25:56 and you let me know that
25:58 someone had molested you ten years ago,
26:00 I have a duty to report.
26:02 It doesn't matter if it was ten years ago,
26:04 fifteen years ago, I have to report
26:06 'cause who knows if this person is doing this
26:08 to someone else, so...
26:09 I want to go back to something that you mentioned before.
26:11 So we're all pastors, and we've had some training
26:14 in the area of counseling.
26:16 You're instructing people to come to us,
26:19 you've mentioned some things
26:21 that we should or should not do,
26:23 but could you kind of walk us through that
26:24 and walk the audience through that
26:26 because we believe that out there are not just people
26:28 who've been abused but there's somewhere out there
26:31 who's going to be approached by someone
26:33 who has been abused.
26:34 How are we approaching that?
26:36 What are we saying, what do we not say to someone?
26:39 As pastors?
26:40 Just as, just people who will be approached
26:43 or could be approached by someone who was abused.
26:45 Okay, okay, someone approaches you...
26:47 Yes. And they were abused.
26:48 What's some of the counsel
26:50 that you can offer to that individual?
26:51 Yes.
26:53 Well, that's a good question.
26:55 Let's say I am just a regular person
26:57 or let's start off with this a regular person, a friend.
27:00 I would definitely advise the friend
27:02 to let an authority figure know.
27:04 Empathize with the person first.
27:05 I mean, of course, you're there with them,
27:07 you love them, you let them know that
27:08 I understand the situation at your end, empathize,
27:11 but let them know you've got to let someone else know
27:13 who can do something about it, that's very important.
27:16 Especially if the person is going to go back
27:17 into that situation,
27:20 you must let somebody else know.
27:21 And if you're that person, that friend,
27:23 help them out with that decision.
27:25 Walk them through, say,
27:26 "I'll be right there by your side.
27:27 You don't have to do this alone."
27:29 As a pastor, I would definitely take it seriously
27:32 and speak to the person say that
27:33 this is very important to me.
27:35 Let the person know how important it is to you
27:36 because now they feel a sense of accountability
27:38 'cause they've aligned themselves,
27:40 that accountability with the offender,
27:41 you see what I'm saying?
27:43 They're trying to protect the person,
27:44 and now they can see you as someone
27:45 that they can be uncountable to.
27:47 This topic is too good for us just to stop right now.
27:48 And I thank you for coming and sharing your experience.
27:50 We want to follow this conversation up
27:52 and we have to do so, on Facebook.
27:53 So for all of our viewers we want you to come
27:55 and see us on Facebook.
27:57 Facebook, type in Pure Choices,
27:58 and you can dialogue and talk with us.
28:00 We're sorry we're running out of time.
28:01 Come back and see us next week, we will just be...
28:02 And don't forget that
28:04 there is information on the end that we're going to give them.
28:06 Yeah, we'll give you some information at the end
28:07 as well, that should be coming up just about now.
28:09 So come back and see if next week
28:11 we're going to have another hot
28:12 and serious topic to discuss.
28:13 See you then.
28:15 They are probably doing the takeaways now.
28:17 Yeah. Take away shot.
28:18 We just ran out of time.


Revised 2018-01-18