Participants: Pr. Joshua Nelson (Host), Jeanne Mogusu, Kimberly Pearson, Kory P. Douglas, Marquis Jackson
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000021
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned 00:04 that some material may be too candid 00:06 for younger children. 00:39 Hello, and welcome to Pure Choices. 00:41 I'm your host Pastor Joshua Nelson, 00:43 and I'm so excited again that you decided to join us. 00:45 We have a really good one for you today 00:47 as you can tell I'm kind of casual today. 00:49 We are gonna talk about a good subject on dating, 00:52 talking, courting what's the difference. 00:54 But before we go into our topic for today, 00:57 I'm gonna introduce to you our panel again. 00:59 To my left here we have Miss Kimberly Pearson, 01:03 the assistant chaplain of Oakwood University 01:06 and a good friend of mine. 01:07 And we also have Pastor Kory Douglas, 01:10 who is the pastor in Missouri 01:14 and he is pastoring the Grand Avenue 01:16 in New Life SDA church. 01:18 We also have Miss Jeanne Mogusu, 01:23 she is the president of the blasting Association 01:26 in the seminary, happy to have you here. 01:28 And we have Pastor Marquis Jackson, 01:30 who is the pastor in the Marian, 01:33 no I'm sorry, Manning and... 01:36 You already passed it now, something Maranatha, boy. 01:39 He's my friend, he's my friend, he's my friend, 01:41 it's like something Manning in South Carolina. 01:43 So we're happy to have this panel here today 01:46 and we're talking about dating. 01:48 That's a really important topic. 01:49 Talking, courting, you know, what's the difference? 01:52 But before we get into our topic, 01:53 I wanna read this letter that came in about this individual. 01:57 So let's read this here. 01:58 Yeah, all right. 02:02 He says, "I'm a sophomore in college 02:04 and I've been with a few girls so far. 02:07 I like to say, I'm just talking but they say we're dating. 02:11 I get tired of labeling my relationships 02:13 because they always end badly and then people get hurt. 02:18 Is it okay to just have some casual dates? 02:21 I mean, I'm not trying to get married right now. 02:23 What do you think?" 02:25 That's what we have to talk about. 02:26 Who wants to address it first? 02:28 Sounds like a lot, man. Yeah. 02:31 Go ahead. 02:33 I think the first thing to decide is, 02:34 "What is dating?" 02:35 like, we like to put all these labels 02:37 to relationships 02:39 but we haven't defined or communicated 02:40 what these labels are? 02:42 I don't even know if we are sure 02:43 'cause even in the letter he said, 02:45 "I'm talking to somebody. We have been on a few dates. 02:47 Is it just okay to date people? I just want to date casually." 02:50 But he just said, he was talking, I mean, 02:51 what's the difference between, you know, each one. 02:53 I mean, he even sounds a little bit confuse about 02:55 what they might be, so. 02:57 He sounds like he really understands. 02:59 That, yeah, the girls who are not understanding, 03:03 he like some people. 03:04 They are cool. 03:05 He just wants to get to know them. 03:07 The end. 03:08 Okay, let's just define, what he's talking? 03:10 I mean he says, he's just talking to them, 03:11 you know, what does that really mean? 03:14 Jackson, do you want to take that? 03:18 It depends on the person, you know, 03:20 you can be someone who's in a situation 03:23 where you're talking with people 03:24 but you're talking so many different people 03:26 but the level of talking is so great 03:28 that it may seem to the other person 03:31 that it's really building up more into what they're thinking 03:35 rather than what you might be thinking. 03:37 So I guess, was it ever a line established 03:40 of where they are going in this talking-dating situation. 03:45 Okay. 03:46 I think any time, I think any time 03:48 you're in a relationship 03:49 and one person is not clear on what is going on, 03:53 then someone is not being straight or forward 03:57 about what is really going on 03:59 because I think as long as you're two mature adults 04:04 because in my opinion dating, talking, courting 04:09 is for mature people. 04:12 As long as you're two mature adults, 04:14 you have to define what is going on. 04:16 If you don't define, you know, 04:18 we define that you're my brother, 04:21 you're my sister, and you're my father 04:23 every other relationship has definitional boundaries to it. 04:27 Why is it so, why is it that 04:29 when you want to get to know someone, 04:31 we try to be as ambiguous as possible. 04:34 Okay. It does not reflect well. 04:36 Okay, well, let me challenge, 04:38 let me just put out a little definition 04:39 of what I think it is. 04:41 You all challenge me if you think I'm wrong. 04:42 Okay, so talking, I would think talking is more of, 04:45 you're just in a relationship with this person possibly, 04:48 but you may be in relation with other people as well. 04:50 You're just getting to know them, 04:52 you're just kind of building a relationship 04:53 but it's no commitment. 04:55 Okay. 04:56 Dating would be where there is a commitment 04:58 and it's probably exclusive commitment 05:00 where you just being telling with that person. 05:02 You all are an item, okay, and then courting would be, 05:06 well, now you're saying yes with this exclusive person, 05:08 now we're looking forward to marriage, okay. 05:11 So, so... 05:14 Now would you agree that that's pretty much 05:16 the general understanding of what those terms are 05:19 or are they different understandings you think? 05:21 I would say that, 05:22 that is kind of the overarching understanding. 05:25 Oh, we are just talking that kind of means 05:27 we kind of like each other but there's nothing serious. 05:29 While I agree that may be the general terminology. 05:33 I think that, that is part of what creates the ambiguity 05:36 about where are we, you know. 05:40 What Jeanne said is that dating is for mature people. 05:42 I think we need to put some more definition to that 05:45 because everybody thinks they're mature. 05:47 "I'm mature enough to date." 05:48 Fifteen year olds, twelve year olds 05:50 are mature enough to date. 05:52 Yeah. 05:53 Dating is for people who want to get married. 05:54 If you are not ready to get married, 05:56 you don't need to be dating. 05:57 Okay, so... 05:59 And so what I want to say to that 06:00 is I think that talking is what initially 06:02 we should all be as friends. 06:04 Talking is friendship. We are all friends. 06:07 Then the dating process is getting to know people, 06:11 you know, in a more I guess, 06:13 "I'm checking you out kind of way" 06:15 but not exclusively, 06:16 you're not spending lots of time alone together. 06:19 Your group settings, you're hanging out, 06:21 they are meeting parents, 06:23 you're coming around family and friends together. 06:25 Then once you decide this is the kind of person 06:27 I want to marry, I feel like God is leading, 06:29 then you court them. 06:31 Okay, I'm still a little confused because, 06:34 and I don't know if I totally agree 06:35 because a date changes. 06:38 You know, today is a certain day 06:40 and then tomorrow it changes 06:41 so why wouldn't it be the same when I'm in a relationship? 06:44 Why should I have to be, you know, labeled as dating? 06:46 Just the terminology kind of seems weird to me, 06:48 you know, but yet now it's not, 06:49 "I'm suppose to be exclusive 06:51 but I'm just kind of exploring," 06:52 I'm just trying to kind of see, you know, who's out there? 06:55 When do I ever do that, 06:56 and if I say, I'm talking then I look, 06:58 "Oh, you don't wanna make commitment." 06:59 Yeah. 07:01 But I think that's the reason for talking. 07:02 I'm gonna be honest. 07:03 This character has got me in a lot of trouble 07:05 and it probably will in the near future until, 07:07 you know, I have finally checked marriage 07:09 on my tax form 07:10 but, you know, talking to me 07:12 is just that exploring an option, 07:14 seeing who's out there, getting to know people, 07:16 you know, seeing if are we compatible, you know, 07:18 if we spend five minutes together, do I feel like, 07:21 you know, I want to, you know, just strangle you. 07:23 Do you make me 07:24 the happiest person in the world, 07:26 you know, within that time, 07:27 you know, but I don't see any reason 07:28 why we can't be doing that with more than one person, 07:31 you know, just getting to know you, 07:32 having a phone conversation here or there. 07:34 Seeing how the chemistry works, you know, 07:36 you don't wanna date somebody 07:38 who after talking to them three or four times 07:40 you have nothing to talk about, 07:41 you know, going forward is like, 07:43 "Okay, well, you know, maybe we should not date" 07:45 you know, but that's what I think talking is for. 07:47 Just like she says like being friends, 07:49 but you at least you know I'm interested a little bit 07:51 in the fact that I wanna kind of get to know you better. 07:53 Okay, I see, Jeanne, shaking her head 07:54 because I feel like there's something 07:56 that you may disagree with that. 07:57 I totally disagree with this talking business 08:00 and this is, this is why I disagree with it. 08:03 I just feel like some, most, a lot of times talking for men 08:08 has been used to have relationship benefits. 08:15 Yeah, relationship benefits without the commitment. 08:19 So you have someone who says you're talking 08:22 but literally treats you like he's your girlfriend, 08:25 you know, I mean, no, no, you're his girlfriend. 08:28 Yeah, so he does not want you seeing other people. 08:32 He does, so, whereas he would, of course, 08:35 he is exploring his options, 08:36 he wants to see you with only him. 08:39 He has issues with whatever he sees you with somebody else 08:42 or whenever you're getting close to someone, 08:44 I think the whole talking thing is, is, you know. 08:48 Trouble. Yeah, trouble in a bag. 08:51 We're talking about the definition on mature. 08:53 So if two people mature then that sort of something 08:57 that should be spoken about, you know, 08:58 I find you on a male to female perspective, 09:01 I find you as attractive young lady. 09:02 We have good conversation. 09:04 I'm enjoying our conversation 09:06 so that can let her know that it's conversation, 09:09 but if it's all boo'd up and, you know, 09:11 yoked up and stuff like that 09:12 and you just saying you are talking, 09:13 then that can bring a misperception 09:15 to the young lady which is dangerous, 09:16 so that's where the communication kicks in. 09:20 One thing I've learned in my relationship 09:22 with my girlfriend is communication 09:24 is very important 09:26 because once you don't have that communication, 09:28 misperceptions kick in, 09:30 and that's where the whole thing 09:31 starts to get really cloudy. 09:32 And I wanna say, I think that's a huge part of it. 09:35 A person who is ready to date needs to also be a person 09:38 who is ready to communicate, they need to be able to say, 09:42 "Hey, you know, I like getting to know you," 09:43 or "hey, I'm not cool with that." 09:45 Because dating, okay, 09:46 so if I go buy a cell phone right 09:48 or buy something, 09:50 usually there's a term of agreement contract 09:52 that you have to sign. 09:53 Most of the time, let's be honest, 09:54 you like flip the pages, get to this line 09:56 and you sign it until something happens 09:59 and all of a sudden you're like, 10:00 "I didn't agree to that and I guess 10:02 it's in the terms of the contract. 10:03 So dating is the process 10:05 of reading the terms of agreement 10:07 to a life long contract 10:09 or marriage, you know, marriage. 10:11 But I wanna challenge that 10:13 'cause I think that in some cases, 10:16 you know, when a guy says to a girl, 10:20 "Will you be my girlfriend," she hears, 10:23 "Will you be my wife." 10:25 And I would add 10:26 and I've been on this experience, 10:28 I've been in a situation where I've expressly said, 10:31 you know, "Let's get to know each other, 10:33 let's be friends, 10:34 " and we'll talk for three weeks 10:36 and I promise you at the end of three weeks 10:37 I'll get the phone call and you always know 10:39 what is coming because they're like, 10:40 "You know, I really think 10:42 we should talk about something." 10:43 And I'm like "Oh, man," 10:45 and they're like, "Well, you know, 10:46 what are we now? 10:47 And I'm like, "Well, three weeks ago we just said, 10:49 we were gonna talk and be friends and, you know, 10:51 it's only three weeks later, you know," or, you know, 10:54 you say, you know, "let's talk, let's be friends and then, 10:57 you know, in the background you're hearing parents saying 11:00 or whispers though, you want to Skype with that boy again? 11:03 You know, you want to phone him again? 11:04 And what are the cases and, you know. 11:06 They're adult later on. 11:07 Yeah, and see that's why I like talking 11:08 'cause the thing about talking is, 11:10 you know, there's no pressure, you know, 11:11 you don't, there's no meeting of parents, there's no all, 11:14 you know, this is my dad, you know, 11:16 we're just getting to know each other 11:17 but I have experience 11:18 where even though you have communicated well, 11:21 you have let them know the terms 11:23 for that period of time that a lot of women have babies 11:26 because of the pressures of finding a good man 11:29 that they're so quick to jump on it and say, 11:31 "Well, this is a relationship 11:32 and when can we go to the next level? 11:34 I'm ready to go to next level. I think I know you enough. 11:36 It's been three weeks." 11:37 Okay, so we're going hard on the girl. 11:39 Yeah, you are right. 11:40 I'm gonna let you off the fingers up there 11:42 because from my point of view we see, you know, 11:43 that you all just can't wait, 11:45 can't let the talking just be talking, you know. 11:47 No, but the question is, no the question then becomes, 11:49 "Okay, fine, you have expressly communicated 11:52 that you want to be just friends, 11:54 you want to just, you know, explore, 11:57 you know, where this could be you're interested in 11:59 and all of that stuff. 12:00 But the question is, "How have you been acting 12:03 in those three weeks? 12:04 Yeah, yeah, yeah, hallelujah. 12:06 Because you can't tell me, you know, actions, you know, 12:09 a little wise man wherever he may be, 12:11 I don't even know who he is said, you know, 12:13 "Actions speak louder than words." 12:15 So if your actions are demonstrating 12:18 something different to me, 12:20 then I'm gonna go much more by your actions 12:23 than what you tell me. 12:24 You can tell me all day long we're friends, 12:26 but if you're constantly holding my hand, you know, 12:29 yeah, I was trying to hold your hand, you know. 12:32 What are you trying to say to me? 12:36 Let me communicate, you know. Free choices, free choices. 12:38 Yeah, but, you know, 12:40 you are constantly holding my hand, 12:42 we are on the phone for hours late into the night, you know, 12:45 we're talking about marriage commitment issues, 12:49 you know, instead of just, "I want to know you. 12:52 What is your favorite color?" 12:53 You know, if we're delving into intimate knowledge 12:58 of one another 12:59 then what you're communicating and what you're doing 13:02 are two totally different things 13:04 and that's where you get confused. 13:06 But I think part of the issue is the older you get, 13:09 the less you want to do, "What's your favorite colors, 13:11 what kind of food do you like?" 13:14 You know, you get to the point where you're like, 13:16 "Listen, what are you about, this is what I'm about, 13:18 less, you know, move forward." 13:21 If you're talking to somebody for six months, 13:23 you know what that means. 13:25 Like, what point do you have you decided that, 13:28 okay this is what I'm looking for, 13:30 how long does it take you to figure out 13:32 that this is such a, and generally speaking like 13:34 they think I'm pretty fast. 13:35 Oh, no, that's not it. 13:36 But I think in addition to that, 13:38 there is this perception that when you're talking 13:40 you're on display. 13:42 I have to show you 13:43 how wonderful of a woman I am so that you will marry me. 13:47 So we turn into like the "Wifey" that's, you know, 13:50 we have these titles, "Oh, that's my wifey, 13:52 that's my boo," you know, "that's hubby 13:54 and we're not married 13:55 and we put ourselves into these roles 13:58 before we're ready and we're acting married 14:01 when we are really just still dating." 14:03 So all the perspective gets to you, 14:05 "We're talking 14:07 but I'm bringing you a plate at potluck, 14:08 " you know what I mean. 14:09 And, you know, all those different things. 14:11 Okay, so let's now, that's good what you're all saying 14:14 and I think it's a lot of it 14:15 is really addressing our age group and our issue 14:18 because, you know, 14:20 we're looking towards marriage, you know, 14:21 but what about the young person who's 15-16, you know, 14:24 and they're just saying, "Well, we're just dating, 14:27 " but the actions like you're saying maybe a little... 14:29 What do you say to them? 14:30 Is that a necessary step or should they even be dating 14:32 if you're that young? 14:34 I don't believe and maybe I am older cake 14:39 whatever you call it, I'm kind of old school, 14:41 but I honestly believe that by the time you're 15 14:44 you have absolutely no business 14:47 with spending one on one 14:50 intimate knowledge of one another, 14:52 "I want to get to know you," kind of time 14:54 with somebody of the opposite sex 14:56 and that is because what it does is, 14:59 it starts to breed in you this, you barely know who you are, 15:04 and so if your identity is constantly attached to, 15:08 "I am not a person unless 15:10 I have a man attached to my arm, 15:13 " you know, or, "I don't even know who I am, 15:15 I don't know who, you know, where I begin 15:18 and where they start," 15:19 you know, where I end and where they begin, 15:23 then there's a problem in that 15:26 because then how do you get to the point 15:28 where you're mature enough to know this is who I am. 15:32 If you don't know yourself, 15:33 how do you expect somebody else to know you? 15:35 Right. 15:36 And that's basically the crux of the matter. 15:38 Well, you know, back when I was teaching 15:39 and I say this to my little brothers, 15:41 my cousin all the time, 15:42 you know, you say it just like your parents said to you, 15:44 you know, the people who you loved in high school, 15:47 you're probably not going to marry that person, you know, 15:49 the person who you dated, you know, 15:51 my first "love" was in eighth grade. 15:53 You know what I'm saying, now she's happily married, 15:55 you know, we're not together. 15:56 It's okay. 15:58 But how you view relationship, love, 16:02 intimacy changes over time, you know, and I think that, 16:06 you know, this is why it's so important to educate, 16:08 you know, the younger generation 16:09 of what is dating, what exactly is love. 16:12 I did a thing at a camp one time 16:13 and I asked these kids about 12 years old, 16:15 what is love and they were defining love 16:17 by holding hands. 16:18 It's that when you get to the point where, you know, 16:20 you really want to just kiss them on their cheek, 16:21 you know, you wanna hold their hands 16:23 and walk to the park or the case and I'm like, 16:25 you know, that is not love, you know, 16:26 but that's what we have associated relationship 16:29 with even if you look at society, 16:31 and I know we're talking about 15-16 16:33 but when we look at dating on television, 16:35 dating means sex, it means living together, 16:38 you know, at some point or you going to get a key. 16:40 You know, it means these things that look like marriage 16:44 that it doesn't look like dating, 16:46 it looks like marriage, you know, 16:47 and so, you know, we have to be more clear of how we define, 16:50 how we define dating. 16:51 Okay, so what's really wrong with doing like that? 16:53 You know, what's really wrong with them dating? 16:57 What is gonna transpire if they continue in this way? 17:00 I'm gonna ask Jackson on that. 17:02 Well, stipple back on what you all were saying is that... 17:06 Look, what I'm saying is that when you look at a relationship 17:10 with younger people, the biggest challenge is this, 17:12 and my mom one time told me about some people at church 17:15 and how they were together for two years 17:17 and she said, you know, "They are probably having sex." 17:19 I was like, "Mom, why do you say that?" 17:20 She said, "People just can't hold hands that long." 17:23 When you're talking about teenagers, 17:26 when you're talking about early teenager still forming, 17:29 still find themselves, and media and finances 17:32 and various things, it's gonna be hard for them 17:34 from the age of 15-16 17:36 till graduation of 22 years of age 17:40 and now we live in a society 17:41 where you have to start to pursue a masters 17:44 so you're now looking around 24-25 17:45 and for that 8 years just to be in a relationship 17:49 without that will cause a lot of priming of emotions 17:53 that they had to hold it back down 17:55 and in their timeframe 17:56 emotions, hormones, testosterone. 17:59 When I was a teenager, 18:01 my testosterone was strong and so it's like... 18:07 Testify. 18:11 And for eight years it's gonna be tough. 18:13 Yeah. 18:15 And so it's gonna cause eventually. 18:16 They are young men or young women teenagers 18:21 to hopefully we don't want it to happen 18:24 but it's unfortunately leading that way. 18:27 I think part of the problem is we've created a culture 18:29 of secret dating where if I like you, 18:32 I pass you a note maybe inbox on Facebook, 18:35 we talk, we go alone moments together often. 18:39 And if you look at old school dating 18:40 when you were dating it was called, 18:42 you were caught, someone was calling for you. 18:44 They came to your house, they sat in your living room 18:47 with your family, you know, 18:48 and you got to know each other in a setting, 18:50 you know, where there were other people. 18:52 If you look at marriages, especially biblical marriages, 18:54 there were other people involved 18:56 than just those two people. 18:58 There was family, there was community, 18:59 you know, but there were other people involved inside, 19:02 think if we take dating out of this exclusive, 19:05 "I just want to be up under you," 19:07 type of mentality, Josh, why you move? 19:10 I'm just saying. 19:12 That's up here. Hey, no. 19:14 I'm using you as an example. 19:16 You know, if you take it out of that, 19:19 "I want to be alone with you all the time," mentality, 19:21 it removes some of the heaviness of dating 19:25 and you got a lot to get to know each other 19:27 at like socials and game nights and those things 19:29 which make dating fun and there's a less heartbreak, 19:32 there's a less early attachment, 19:35 you know, there so I really think 19:37 that if we start to take the shame, 19:40 take the secretiveness off of dating, 19:43 it will really help to open up the lines of communication 19:45 for everybody involved. 19:46 Okay, well, that is a little tough though, 19:48 but I think Kory want to add something to that before. 19:50 Well, I'm actually glad that she said heartbreak 19:52 because, you know, I think one of the things 19:54 that we wanna save them from, one thing is that, you know, 19:58 they have this danger of falling 19:59 into is experiencing heartbreak at such a young age 20:03 and having to go through it so many times, 20:05 you know, when I can say the amount of people 20:07 I've dated in high school till now 20:09 and even the fact that, you know, 20:11 I feel like I've been married 20:13 at least three times in my life, 20:14 you know, like I had relations that were that deep 20:16 and I feel like I've even been divorced that many times. 20:19 You know, there is no reason why at a young age 20:21 I should have to go through the divorce process 20:23 of grieving, I've lost a loved one, 20:26 and this person was such a major part of my life. 20:28 Now been taken out of my life. 20:30 Somebody I was so dependent on, you know, 20:32 now no longer been around, 20:34 and I think we can say there's been a lot of heartbreak, man, 20:37 if they would just date 20:38 a little bit later in life and not so early. 20:40 Okay. 20:41 And I think another thing that we need to recognize 20:43 is that we're not saying that if you are 15-16 you shouldn't, 20:47 that you cannot spend time 20:49 with people of the opposite sex, 20:51 you know, we are created for relationships. 20:54 God created us so that way we crave it, you know, 20:58 it's almost like an innate part of ourselves 21:01 and so to tell someone, you know, don't, don't, 21:04 don't spend time with that, it's unrealistic 21:06 and so what we're saying 21:08 is spend time with people of the opposite sex 21:12 in a more informed manner, in a more open way, 21:16 and it's not a matter of exclusivity, in fact, 21:19 it's a matter of inclusivity. 21:21 You wanna include other people in that learning to grow, 21:26 because if you're 15 or 16 21:27 you need to not just learn about who you are, 21:30 but you need to learn about 21:31 how you interact with people of the opposite sex, 21:34 you know, and that will save you 21:36 a lot of trouble, you know, when you're older 21:38 and you are now, you know, ready to get into marriage 21:42 it'll save you from having that awkwardness 21:44 if you can't talk to guys or you can't talk to girls, 21:47 you know, so it is a natural process of growth 21:51 but we're saying go through the natural process of growth. 21:55 Don't try to hurry it up, you know, 21:57 don't try to be grown up and mature when you're just 15 22:00 because you lose a lot of, 22:03 a lot of lessons in their hurrying up, you know. 22:07 Well, that will be true but it's also pretty tough 22:10 and a lot of the 15-16 year olds now 22:12 or even 13 year olds 22:14 are actually having to grow up faster 22:15 than maybe they did before. 22:16 Yeah. 22:18 You know, so what, I mean, if they're watching now 22:19 what were they really be able to say this is, 22:21 these are the steps that I need to take, 22:23 you know, at this age, you know, 22:26 this is what I need to do, you know. 22:27 As a child my parents, my parents divorced 22:30 when I was like five years old. 22:33 So there was a television show that I saw 22:35 that the way they live, 22:37 it was really something that in my mind 22:39 I tried to I want to replicate a model after, 22:42 but it's a TV show that lasts only 30 minutes 22:44 and I'm not even talking about commercial breaks. 22:46 So when those things happen, you put a falsification 22:50 and with television so powerful, 22:52 they call it the one eye monster, 22:53 and we find ourselves watching 22:55 and based on gross with it, it's dangerous. 22:57 That's my passion, you know, as a pastor of the church 23:01 to combine with younger people have energy, 23:03 older people have wisdom. 23:05 With the younger people they can finish, 23:06 they're gonna finish the work, 23:08 older people need to infuse to them wisdom. 23:09 Right. 23:10 And with that also we're infusing to them 23:12 not only with biblically 23:13 but we also infusing to them wisdom 23:15 or how to carry the affairs of life 23:17 and that's also biblical because if not the case, 23:20 then young people, younger generation 23:22 are gonna find themselves watching television 23:24 rather than being comfortable at home, 23:26 and if there is no mother and father in the home 23:28 then why not the church? 23:30 Okay. 23:31 And so we have to do stuff like that. 23:32 All right. 23:34 You know, the question was, 23:35 "How do young people practically date, 23:39 talk, court and I think... 23:41 And what's gonna be the sequence? 23:42 I think the first part is intentionality. 23:46 What is your intention in dating? 23:48 Why do you wanna date? 23:50 Are you wanting to date because you feel like 23:52 God has called you into marriage? 23:53 Are you wanting to date 'cause you're lonely 23:55 'cause all your friends got boyfriends 23:57 or you want to date because you, 23:59 you know you, you need to fulfill a void. 24:01 Is it you feel like something's missing, 24:03 there's no mom or dad or I want to do it different 24:06 than my parents did 24:07 or I want to be just like my parents 24:08 or you know, why the intentionality? 24:11 Why are you trying to date? 24:12 Then if you really believe that you were in a place 24:15 where you're now ready to date, to marry, 24:18 then the second thing is the impact. 24:20 What is the impact of dating 24:21 gonna have on my life right now. 24:23 Am I in a place where I'm doing what God is calling me to do? 24:26 If I'm gonna be involved in ministry, 24:28 am I focusing on ministry, am I focusing on school, 24:32 is it gonna distract me from the goals 24:34 that God has for my life? 24:36 If dating is gonna cause a negative impact, 24:38 you probably shouldn't do it. 24:39 And the last one is inclusion. 24:41 When you're now ready to date, include your friends, 24:44 include your family in what you're doing 24:46 because they know you well, they know you better than... 24:48 And I know sometimes your friends know you better 24:50 than your family, you know, 24:51 you spend so much time with them. 24:53 So go out with friends, go out with people, 24:55 don't spend so much time boo'd up on the couch, 24:58 you know, take in and love in and, you know, 25:00 just spending time with each other. 25:02 Include other people, get out there, 25:05 do things together, get to know each other, 25:07 and have very open honest dialogue 25:09 about the direction of the relationship. 25:11 Okay. 25:12 And the church really needs to play a part 25:14 in really creating those environments 25:15 for younger people. 25:16 They need to really showing them hey, we're obviously, 25:18 you know, we're always trying to find 25:19 that one person kind of get boo'd up whatever, 25:21 you know, with that person but if the church is saying, 25:22 "Look that's not the best way to do it. 25:23 This is the best way for you to do it," 25:25 and that's kind of what I want us 25:26 to really nail down here, 25:28 so if I'm about between what 10 to 15 or something 25:30 and I'm looking at girls now or I'm looking at guys now, 25:33 this should be the phase where I'm just 25:35 getting to know people, right? 25:36 I'm just in a group... 25:38 Friends. 25:39 Yeah, I may like you but I'm not going to really go 25:40 exclusive with you, 25:42 we're just gonna be friends, okay. 25:43 There's this one church I read about in the city 25:47 and they have some call like a purity call and they have, 25:49 you know, young men, young women 25:51 they are in an environment 25:53 where they are around each other 25:54 but it's also monitored. 25:56 So it's a way that they can learn 25:59 how to interact male and female, 26:01 but also how to respect each other 26:04 and it's not something that's very, 26:06 it's not gonna build up compromising situation. 26:08 Okay, that's so true. Kory, go ahead. 26:11 Well, you know, just to kind of bring it all together 26:13 and now you're back to the top 26:14 where we were distinguishing between what's dating, 26:16 what's talking, what's courting. 26:18 You know, I believe that's important that 26:19 after these young people get to that age 26:21 where they believe they're mature enough, 26:23 you know, they can finally go one on one 26:25 that they have to be open and they have to communicate, 26:27 you know, we've learned today 26:29 that there're different definitions. 26:30 People who call talking one thing, dating one thing, 26:32 courting, you know, 26:33 and so it's important to distinguish 26:35 and to be able to tell each other, 26:37 "This what I think it is, this what, you know, 26:38 what do you think it is?" 26:40 And to figure out together where they are 26:42 and to move forward communicating all the time, 26:45 you know, well, we're just friends now, 26:46 you know, we're talking now 26:48 but that communication is important. 26:49 Okay, and, Jeanne, real quick? Yeah. 26:51 I was just, there's something that we need to make sure 26:54 we don't forget. 26:55 As long as you're treating the person 26:56 that you're getting into a relationship with 26:58 as if they, not as if 27:00 because they are made in the image of God, 27:02 you need to give them the same level of respect, 27:05 that identity, you know, demands 27:10 so if you're constantly aware that this is someone in the, 27:13 maybe in the image of God, you want to treat them as such, 27:16 you want to give them that level of respect. 27:18 I'm not gonna, if I know 27:20 you're made in the image of God, 27:21 I'm not going to necessarily put you in situations 27:24 that are going to compromise our relationship, you know, 27:29 because I am always aware that, you know, 27:31 God's image is replicated in our relationship. 27:34 All right, that's beautiful. 27:35 And that wraps it up for our program today. 27:37 I just wanna end with this quote from Solomon, 27:39 "I charge you do not arouse or awaken love 27:41 until it is time." 27:43 Remember that you are a child of the king, 27:45 you have to just wait for God 27:46 and He will bring you that love when it is time. 27:49 Well, thank you, guys, so much. 27:50 Until next time remember to make pure choices. |
Revised 2017-05-01