Participants: Pr. Joshua Nelson (Host), Jeanne Mogusu, John Coaxum, Kim Pearson, Korey P. Douglas
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000069
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:05 may be too candid for younger children. 00:39 Hello, and welcome to "Pure Choices." 00:41 I'm your host, Pastor Joshua Nelson. 00:43 I'm so glad you tuned in to this program. 00:45 If you're going to miss a program, 00:47 this will not be the one. 00:48 We're talking about dating. 00:49 I'm sure we're all interested in relationships 00:51 and how you should date, who you should date, 00:52 when you should date. 00:54 And we're gonna discuss that today. 00:55 But before we start, 00:56 let's pause for a moment of prayer. 00:59 Heavenly Father, we thank You so much for relationships, 01:02 we ask Father that You would bless us now 01:04 as we discuss dating and relationships. 01:06 Lead us and guide us. In Jesus' name we pray. 01:08 Amen. Amen. 01:10 All right. 01:11 To my left, I have Pastor K.P. Douglas 01:13 who is the pastor of two churches 01:14 in Southeast Missouri. 01:16 Good to be here. 01:17 So glad he is here with us today. 01:19 On the couch here, we have Kimberly Pearson 01:20 who is the associate chaplain at Oakwood University. 01:23 So glad she is here as well. 01:25 Next to her, we have Dr. Jeanne Mogusu 01:27 from Andrews University there in Berrien Springs. 01:30 So glad she is here with us. 01:32 And next we have Pastor John Coaxum 01:34 who is the associate pastor 01:35 at the Glenville Seventh-day Adventist Church 01:37 in Cleveland, Ohio. 01:38 So glad that we have you here today. 01:41 We have some high energy today. 01:42 We are ready to go and talk about this subject. 01:45 Before we get into our discussion about dating, 01:49 we're gonna go to the screen and see. 01:50 Now before we go to the screen, 01:52 I ask these students on a non Christian campus, 01:56 college campus about relationships. 01:59 I ask them actually when should you have sex 02:02 before or while you're in a dating relationship, okay. 02:05 And I know that of course, we as Christians 02:06 we believe that it should take place 02:08 after marriage, amen. 02:10 Amen. Okay. 02:12 So but we want to kind of see what their thoughts are 02:14 and kind of the prevailing mindset 02:15 of many young people today. 02:17 So let's watch this tape here. 02:20 I would say at least two years, 02:22 maybe I guess the word love is kind of controversial 02:27 but once you know that you are in love with someone, 02:30 I think then you could probably become intimate with him. 02:34 All right. 02:36 So their opinion is basically, 02:39 you know, a couple of years. 02:40 Two. 02:41 Yeah, two years, when you are in love somebody, 02:43 and that's when you know, so love is often kind of 02:46 led in dating relationship to say, okay, 02:49 now we're ready to make the next step. 02:51 And so we want to talk a little more 02:53 after we see this next one about 02:54 what are some stages you should look for 02:56 in your relationship with someone. 02:57 Is it just that, okay, when I love somebody, 02:59 now we should start having sex 03:00 or what's the sequence of events up to marriage? 03:03 Let's go to this next one. 03:05 Me personally, I don't feel there's no time. 03:07 It's just all depends on how you feel about the person 03:10 or how comfortable you are with that person. 03:12 Okay. 03:14 Yeah, I feel like it's between 03:16 you and that person you go with. 03:17 Yeah, I feel like it's the time, you know, whom we're with. 03:21 I don't feel like there's a definite time limit. 03:24 Okay. 03:26 Interesting. 03:28 So there's no time limit. So what do you think? 03:29 What are your, some reactions to those responses? 03:32 I'll start with John, go ahead. 03:34 Yeah, it's interesting, 03:36 the first girl in the first video, 03:37 you know, she said that you should know somebody 03:39 before you have sex with them and it's kind of interesting 03:43 because the Bible uses that word no to describe sex in 03:46 and of itself or intimacy. 03:48 So it's interesting, you know, it's like 03:49 we have to know somebody before we have sex. 03:51 But God, at least from a biblical standpoint, 03:54 He's saying, listen, when you actually know somebody 03:57 is when you are intimate and it's clear 03:58 that God wants us to know somebody 04:00 within the context of marriage. 04:09 I think the videos really highlight the fact 04:13 that there's so, there's such a wide perspective. 04:16 Somebody says, hey, I like you, I want to get to "know" you. 04:20 So I want to know you tomorrow. 04:22 Whereas somebody else, the young lady said two years. 04:24 And so this is wide range and I think what the Bible does 04:28 and having a biblical and spiritual moral compass does, 04:33 is it puts our time limit as God's. 04:36 And God clearly laid the foundation of saying 04:38 that okay, in marriage is when you should be intimate, 04:42 when you should be having sex. 04:44 But I do believe that there are I think levels of intimacy 04:48 that can happen within relationships 04:50 or getting to know somebody shouldn't mean sex, so. 04:53 All right. 04:55 Well, the young lady said, 04:57 there she said love is controversial. 05:00 The definition I guess of love is controversial. 05:03 I would say that I don't know if I would use the love 05:05 as a parameter for when I want to have sex 05:08 'cause if you do you're definitely 05:10 gonna have sex outside of marriage. 05:11 You know, when we grow up, and I don't know 05:13 if you've all had this experience with, 05:14 as you date, you'll always think you're in love. 05:16 You always think you love somebody. 05:18 And what I found is that my definition of love 05:20 changes with every relationship that I'm in, 05:23 you know, it even deepens if you will. 05:25 And I think that's why we wait till marriage. 05:27 You marry that person who you definitely love. 05:30 You know, Josh, you are married, 05:31 so you know, loving that person means, 05:34 you want to be with them no matter what all the time. 05:36 You know, it's not just about feeling intimate. 05:38 It's about wanting to be intimate 05:40 even when I'm absolutely mad at you 05:42 and don't even want to look at you, 05:44 I still love you and I think that's why, 05:46 you know, it has to be in the context of marriage 05:49 and not just based on a definition of love. 05:51 It's kind of arbitrary. Yeah, yeah. 05:52 It's not just the filling of the moment 05:54 but it's really a choice, you know. 05:55 Very true. 05:57 Okay, so let's talk about dating in general 05:59 because a lot, I mean, everybody wants to date, right, 06:01 everybody as soon as you're young, 06:03 you're excited about who am I gonna date, 06:07 whom I'm gonna be with, you know, 06:09 you eventually get to that stage where you're looking, 06:10 you know, and really a lot of times 06:12 you get to that stage wanting to date somebody 06:13 or be in a relationship. 06:15 But you're not able to get married, 06:16 not wanted to get married. 06:18 So I mean, my issue and I'll just start with my issue 06:21 with dating as always been that, 06:23 a date, the word dating it's-- 06:26 a date is a time, a time in space and it moves on. 06:29 Dates change, you know. 06:31 So especially we're gonna make a choice 06:33 as in sex or doing that with somebody 06:36 who you're "dating" 06:38 it's gonna, your date is gonna change. 06:40 So a permanent decision like that to lose your virginity 06:43 with someone who you're just with for at moment 06:46 is not really a good choice to make, you know. 06:49 And so let's talk about that. What are definitions of dating. 06:52 And I think Korey will say, he doesn't even believe 06:57 that you should date, almost can kiss dating goodbye 06:59 so let's just talk about this in general. 07:01 Just for a little while, then we'll go 07:03 with some other principles. 07:04 All right. 07:05 Yeah, I'm not sure there's you know, 07:07 one definition of what dating is 07:08 you know, I'm clearly not clear as to what it is. 07:11 I think that we as Christians, especially, 07:14 we should be more concerned 07:15 with courting than dating and what I mean that 07:17 is you should, and I think maybe we can use those words 07:20 interchangeably, dating and courting, 07:21 depending on how you define it 07:23 but I don't think we should date or court anybody 07:25 that we don't see some type of potential for marriage. 07:28 Like if the qualities of this person, 07:30 you know, if they only look good, 07:31 well, that's not really enough, 07:33 I mean, what about the personality, 07:34 do they have relationship with God, you know. 07:36 Do we have similar commonalities 07:37 or are we compatible in anyway 07:39 I think, you know, we should think about 07:41 other things, especially about marriage 07:43 before we get into a relationship with somebody. 07:45 Or else I think it's fruitless and it's futile. 07:48 That's a good point, man. 07:49 I think it's interesting that when we were watching 07:52 the videos it's, the it was a wide, 07:56 you know, frame that people define 08:00 when to have sex and I love what Korey said 08:03 that you know, as you date, the more you date, 08:06 you'll gain a different perspective 08:08 of what love is and I will suggest 08:10 that dating is sometimes misconstrued 08:15 and has become so negative 08:17 because you kind of don't know 08:21 because of what the media has told you, 08:23 because of what books will tell you, 08:24 because of what society has defined it, 08:26 we sometimes, we don't even have a clear definition 08:28 of what it is. 08:30 We just know it involves somebody else. 08:31 And you know, and just it's you know, 08:34 you can't date yourself. 08:35 We just know it involves somebody else 08:36 and even then you have two people 08:38 who clearly do not have a definition 08:40 for themselves that may not, 08:42 you know, may have definitions of dating 08:44 that are very contrary to one another. 08:47 And then you are expected to have 08:48 some wonderful mystical relationship 08:51 that is just absolutely out of this world. 08:54 Yeah, yeah. You know. 08:56 That's true. Yeah. 08:57 I think that dating is something you do on Facebook. 09:02 I mean, if we just look at the commonalities 09:05 and I'm being very facetious in saying that 09:07 but dating is something a lot of times 09:09 we do to change relationships that as is on Facebook. 09:11 It's something we do to have media presence. 09:14 I want to be on Instagram with the picture of my beau 09:17 or whatever that maybe and so dating has taken a turn 09:20 for a publicity stunt almost in a lot of people's life 09:24 and we're dealing with people who often times 09:27 they don't really know themselves 09:28 or are lonely or wanting companionship, 09:31 so they just grab the nearest person 09:33 they can find and say, "Let's start dating. 09:35 You're lonely. I'm lonely. Let's be un-lonely together." 09:37 So I think dating really needs to be, 09:42 the person needs to understand 09:44 who they are as an individual first 09:47 before getting into the mindset 09:50 of I want to partner with somebody else 09:53 on a long term basis. 09:55 And I like that because, well, when I was dating, 09:58 unless it was on Facebook, it was not true. 10:01 It wasn't true. 10:03 And that really became what was all about right. 10:04 Johnny, you want to say something, then Korey... 10:06 Yeah, you know, dating is interesting. 10:07 I think it gives people another option 10:10 instead of marrying. 10:11 You know, people today just want to date, 10:12 date, date, date, date. 10:14 Nobody wants, most people don't want to be married today 10:16 especially from what media is telling us and then also, 10:19 you know, we refer to marriage as the old ball and chain. 10:22 You know, when somebody says they're married, 10:24 oh, boy, here we go, you know, all these kind of 10:26 derogatory statements about marriage. 10:28 And so I think the question becomes too, 10:30 in a dating relationship, how far do I take commitment, 10:33 you know, am I able to flirt and talk to with other girls, 10:36 am I able to, you know, go out on a "date" 10:38 with somebody else, you know, how far do we take commitment. 10:41 But it's clear in the context of marriage 10:43 that when I marry somebody, I am with that person for life. 10:47 And I think a lot of people are not willing to take that step 10:51 and that's why they would rather choose dating 10:53 over marriage. 10:55 "All is vanity and vexation of the spirit." 10:59 Korey. 11:00 You know, I think the problem with dating 11:02 and I'm listening to what everyone is saying 11:03 is I, I, I, I, what I want and what, it's too much. 11:07 Dating is about what I want, it's about what I want to do, 11:11 you know, what I can get 11:12 and I think that's the major issue, 11:14 you know, as a person who is engaged 11:16 and about to get married. 11:17 My thoughts and I have nothing to do what I want. 11:20 It's about what I want to do for my fiance. 11:22 Now I'm gonna sound very archaic, okay. 11:24 I think that most of the problems we have today, 11:27 divorce and all these relation issues 11:29 come from these dating mentality 11:31 of getting what I want. 11:33 You know, back in the day, you were given your wife 11:36 and you know, you were young 11:37 and you guys have to struggle together to make a life. 11:40 There was no, I'm gonna make sure 11:42 that I have a job, well paying job first, 11:44 then I'm gonna make sure that everything is set 11:47 you know, if you want to look at it, 11:48 that's the reason why people get divorced.' 11:50 Cause I've lived so long without anyone, 11:52 you know what I'm saying, that by the time I get married, 11:54 I can just do whatever I want to do. 11:55 But you know, there has to be that just like what John said, 11:58 when you're ready to really commit to say, listen, 12:01 we're gonna merge our lives together 12:03 and head towards just that being 12:05 together for the whole time, 12:07 so that your success is my success, 12:09 your failures are my failures 12:10 and that's the mentality that will go into marriage 12:13 and even make for a successful one. 12:15 You know, that's interesting because I remember 12:17 specifically a story when I was dating, 12:19 one of my first relationships that I had in college. 12:23 And I was thinking, you know, I want to break up and, 12:25 you know, date somebody else, whatever so I ended up saying, 12:28 you know, how, what happened, ended up breaking with her. 12:30 And you know, I remember she was upset 12:32 because she said, 12:34 "you're not considering my feelings," you know. 12:36 I said, well, you know, it's really about me, 12:38 like I, you know, I just want to do 12:41 something different, you know. 12:42 You know, and whatever I said to explain myself. 12:44 But it was really about me. 12:45 What you said is interesting and I think 12:46 that in that stage of college, even high school, 12:48 it is really about you 12:50 because you're wanting to get something for yourself. 12:53 You're not even thinking about marriage. 12:54 So we're gonna follow what you said Korey, 12:55 really you're gonna have to observe that person 12:58 a different way, get to know in a different way 13:00 before you really want to say, 13:01 okay, this one I want to be with 13:02 and then when that happens, 13:04 you have to now be all about them, you know. 13:06 And that's a big commitment to, it's a big step to make, 13:08 yeah, it changes, it totally changes it. 13:10 Yeah, yeah. 13:11 I think it removes you from yourself, your selfishness 13:14 to being selfless because the whole idea is if you are, 13:19 I want to say sold out to God, you want to make sure 13:24 that you will not do anything that would hurt Him 13:26 or anything that He cares about. 13:28 I mean, that's the essence of being in relationship. 13:30 You want to be in relationship-- 13:32 you want to be in relationship with God 13:34 and because of that, you want to make sure 13:36 that you always make Him happy. 13:37 And making God happy is making all the things 13:40 that He cares about happy. 13:42 So I know that I'm making God happy 13:45 by taking care of myself. 13:46 But I also know, part of the whole dating issue 13:50 is that I need to make sure that I' making God happy 13:53 by making His child happy. 13:55 So whoever I'm in relationship with, 13:57 also needs to be happy so that means, 13:59 taking a backseat 14:01 and putting the other person ahead of myself 14:05 and their needs and their wants, 14:06 you see what I'm saying. 14:08 So the problems I think that 14:09 and why we're even having to discuss dating 14:12 is because we're not willing to do that. 14:14 We just want to think of me and myself and I 14:17 and how me, myself and I can please, you know, us. 14:21 And, you know, honestly I think people, 14:24 I think really it's about companionship. 14:26 And people are using dating to get companionship. 14:29 Be friends. I know, I was. 14:31 Just get to know people as whoever they are. 14:34 Hang out, do things together, get to know them, 14:37 get that companionship without the complications of intimacy 14:43 that aren't meant to be experienced in that way. 14:47 Because even when, you know, you're talking about 14:48 having sex in a dating relationship, 14:50 even that concept is about, I'm attracted to you, 14:53 so I want something from you. 14:56 I want to do something with you. 14:57 It's all this selfishness wrapped up in that. 15:00 So, I honestly say that 15:02 if you're not ready to be selfless, 15:04 you're not ready to date. 15:05 Yeah... 15:06 And that's the hard word, I mean, it's really hard 15:08 for people to really be that mature, take that stand. 15:11 And I really think that the, your friends and what not, 15:14 you know, who you hang out with just makes it very hard 15:16 to not want to get, you know, what you say, 15:19 one on one with one person, 15:20 you know, single with what one person 15:22 as opposed to what we saw, 15:23 you know, ideas of maybe group dating 15:25 or something like that. 15:26 But I mean, come on, you're really, you know, 15:28 you, everyone who is young wants that one person 15:31 because you said it's about companionship. 15:32 So I mean, how, I mean, 15:35 yes, you said a few things about 15:36 how would someone really fight against that, you know. 15:39 I'm young and I really, all my other friends are dating 15:42 and relationships, should I just turn down somebody 15:45 when they ask me to be with them? 15:46 I mean, what do you say? 15:48 I think you used a good word when you said, 15:49 how will they fight against that. 15:51 You know, life is not easy, 15:53 you know, relationships are not easy, 15:54 none of the stuff comes easy, you know. 15:56 And I think that when we try so hard 15:58 to be in a relationship, we do ourselves a disservice. 16:00 When Kim was talking, I'm thinking back immediately, 16:04 thinking about my last, maybe four relationships 16:06 and I'm saying to myself, I didn't really pursue 16:08 any of these young ladies. 16:10 Like they were just my friends and it just so happened that, 16:13 you know, we just started dating 16:14 and honestly I can tell you, 16:15 I don't even know when we started dating 16:17 in some of the relationships. 16:18 We just were, you know, 16:20 because we were just that close 16:21 and we enjoyed each other's company, 16:22 you know, I cared about them so much, 16:24 I was already doing everything for them, you know. 16:26 And so we just kind of naturally 16:28 went into that relationship and so it's got to be, 16:31 like we say, you got to take the attention off 16:34 from yourself for a little bit 16:36 and just enjoy people's conversation, 16:38 enjoy people's presence. 16:39 You'll never know, you may be friends 16:40 with somebody right now 16:42 that may turn out to be your wife later on 16:43 if you would just enjoy them and enjoy the companionship. 16:47 So do we have to be careful about the things we do? 16:49 I mean, you're saying, 16:50 I think I'm gonna take that out of proportion and say, 16:52 okay, I'm just all about that person, 16:54 you know, and I know, and a lot young 16:56 I want to say young ladies but young ladies 16:58 will do a lot for the men, you know, 16:59 they do so much, you know, and maybe too much, you know, 17:02 and maybe the man doesn't do the same thing. 17:04 So let's talk about now, if you are in relationship, 17:06 and we're hoping you're thinking about, 17:08 you know, possibly marriage, you know, 17:09 you are in this relationship, you're dating this individual, 17:12 let me talk to the women first. 17:14 What are some dos and don'ts? 17:16 What are some things that you could advise them 17:18 from maybe your experiences and say, 17:20 hey, there's some things you just probably shouldn't do 17:21 because they're gonna lead to some bad things 17:23 in the future? 17:24 Who wants to start, Jeanne or Kim? 17:26 I would caution against 17:31 sharing too much of yourself. 17:34 And it doesn't even have to be physical, 17:37 sometimes even emotional. 17:38 As women we get attached really fast to, you know, 17:44 because we are, 'cause we are, I don't know. 17:49 I think it's a female thing. 17:51 We just, you just want to, I guess, 17:55 attach yourself to someone emotionally. 17:57 We are nurturers. 17:58 We are nurturers, there, that's it, you know. 18:01 And so if they are saying the right things 18:04 and where they're doing the right things, 18:06 it's almost natural that you would want to 18:10 be emotionally attached to that person. 18:12 However, but I would even go as far as to say sometimes, 18:17 that emotional attachment comes so fast 18:20 because somewhere within us we are starved for it. 18:23 I mean, in the society that we live in, 18:26 we do not have those role models 18:29 or male figures in our lives. 18:31 Our fathers may have been absent 18:33 or our brothers don't treat us like that. 18:35 So the first guy who comes, 18:36 who is like opening doors for you 18:39 and being a gentleman asking, putting you before, 18:42 you know, making sure that your needs are met, 18:45 you know, taking care of you in every sense, 18:48 it's like, oh, snap. 18:49 Oh, I got to hold on. 18:51 I got to hold on to this 18:52 because society has conditioned us to say, 18:54 if you find a good man, it doesn't matter, 18:57 you know, as long as he treats you right, 18:58 doesn't matter what, 19:00 you want to attach yourself to that. 19:01 And so I would caution against those emotional attachments 19:04 'cause they are the root of all evil. 19:07 Have mercy. All right, Kim. 19:09 Well, I wouldn't say that emotional attachments 19:12 are the root of all evil. 19:13 I was joking. 19:15 I know, I'm just kidding with you 19:16 but I do think that you have to set boundaries. 19:18 As women, we have to set boundaries. 19:22 We have to say, this is the gate, go no farther. 19:25 Mercy. And we have to act... 19:26 And be serious about that. And be serious. 19:28 We have to ask God to be the sentinel of our gate 19:31 because we as women, like you said, we are nurturers. 19:33 We want to do things for you guys, 19:34 we want to care for you guys... 19:36 Oh, thank you, man. 19:40 And I think that comes naturally 19:41 but at the same time we have to ask God 19:43 to help you to set those boundaries. 19:45 We have to be honest with ourselves. 19:47 If I know I like attention. 19:49 I know that I need to be careful about 19:51 who I let give me attention, 19:54 and just really have to know myself. 19:57 The first thing I would say, do get to know yourself. 19:59 Do things you enjoy so that when somebody else comes along, 20:03 you're not being pulled every which way 20:05 the wind blows because you have your feet settled. 20:08 Know what you bring to the table, 20:10 whether that's your education, your family background, 20:12 know the baggage you bring to the table 20:15 that you have father issues or whatever it maybe 20:17 and them know what you're bringing to the table 20:19 and be honest with yourself about where you are. 20:21 If you know you struggle with sex, 20:23 don't be at his house at 2 o'clock in the morning. 20:25 so you know, avoid those... 20:27 10 o'clock in the night. Or 10 o'clock in the night. 20:29 Yes. 20:30 So I would just say start by being honest with yourself 20:33 where you fall, what your temptations are, 20:35 what, you know, and then really set up boundaries around that. 20:39 I know we're gonna hear testimony from Kim later. 20:41 But I want to now go with the guys. 20:43 And you all can make sure from I, 20:45 okay, we're brave enough to say I 20:46 and what are some things you would give advise to, 20:49 you know, also say some things about for men 20:51 and dos and don'ts of dating. 20:53 Well, I use a text from Song of Solomon. 20:58 I believe the woman there says, 20:59 "Do not awaken love before its time." 21:01 And I think what is true for women 21:03 can also be true for men. 21:04 And I think that men have tremendous power 21:07 over women and I think just by... 21:09 Power. Let us say, power. 21:12 I think with our words, you know, 21:14 we can lure a woman down the path 21:16 or influence her to a certain direction 21:18 that she may not be wanting to go at that time. 21:21 But I think certain things, you know, like saying, 21:23 "I love you" when you don't really mean it. 21:25 I think you know, acting as if you are husband 21:29 and she is all yours when really she is not, 21:31 at least not in the eyes of God. 21:33 Until you make that covenant with her 21:34 and you stand before people 21:36 who can hold you accountable and say, 21:37 "I do" she is not yours at all. 21:40 And so I think influencing a woman or leading her on, 21:44 which I can say, personally, you know, 21:45 intentionally I think I've done 21:47 and in my ignorance I have done as well. 21:49 Just saying things that I was not ready 21:52 to actually commit to and I think you know, 21:55 awakening love before its time, 21:57 it's a horrible thing and you also, 21:58 you could break a girl's heart 21:59 and you can ruin her life 22:01 and ruin all her future relationships. 22:03 Yeah. You really can. Yeah. 22:05 What I was gonna say is along the same lines. 22:07 I will throw another Bible verse. 22:08 You know, we always talk about being unequally yoked. 22:12 Now we usually use that in the context 22:14 of our religion or denomination. 22:16 But you could be unequally yoked 22:18 in a dating experience, even in the, 22:20 you know, inside the same religion. 22:22 And I say that to say, intentions. 22:24 What are your intentions in a relationship? 22:26 What's gotten me in trouble is I was just chilling 22:29 and she was looking for husband. 22:31 You know, we were unequally yoked. 22:33 Because we were both expecting different things 22:35 from the relationship and just like John said, 22:37 I'll be doing things that were feeding 22:39 what she was expecting, 22:40 not knowing that her expectations 22:42 were completely different than mine, you know. 22:44 So one of the things in dating is, you know, talk, 22:47 you know, it's what you're gonna have to do 22:48 if you get married for the rest of your life. 22:50 So you might as well start now, 22:51 really discuss what do we want, 22:52 you know, what are you trying to get from me. 22:54 Yeah, where is thing going? 22:56 And you met, some people just tell you straight of, 22:58 I just want to have sex with you, 22:59 you know, and then you are, 23:00 you should know off top, you know. 23:02 Well, yeah, we are unequally yoked, you know. 23:03 So I might have to, you know, move on. 23:05 And so but just to get that stuff on open, 23:07 be practical, communicate, 23:09 you know, don't just take things for today. 23:11 You know, people have backgrounds, 23:13 they have ideas about dating 23:15 that may be completely different than you was in. 23:17 You guys have been in a relationship 23:19 having completely different expectations so... 23:21 Yeah, it's good, it's good, yeah. 23:23 And I mean, I was gonna say same type of things. 23:25 Just being honest, you know, being honest. 23:26 Don't be afraid to be honest because it can affect things 23:29 definitely in the future. 23:31 Now we only have a couple of minutes left, 23:32 but we do want to talk about 23:33 dating someone who is not, 23:35 you were talking about unequally yoked, 23:36 dating someone who is not in your same religion 23:39 I guess, or you know, non Christian 23:41 or the Christian or even outside your denomination. 23:43 So what do we do with that? 23:45 Is that good or bad and why? 23:47 Mercy. Real quick. 23:49 I'm gonna be honest, you know, and I hate being so cliche 23:53 but that's just the thing I tell my friends 23:55 when they ask me, you know, 23:56 I pray about stuff and then I move, you know. 23:59 I don't say God and then wait 20 minutes, 20 years. 24:02 I move, you know. 24:03 If I pray and say "God, what about this girl?" 24:05 And then I feel compelled to be with her, 24:06 then I'm gonna be with her regardless of where she's from, 24:09 her background, that's how I feel 24:11 and I have the faith that says that I'm moving 24:13 because God said to move and if I'm not, 24:15 God will correct me along the way. 24:17 I have, you got to have that kind of faith and say 24:18 God will also stop this. 24:20 So I don't know we can just make it a do you or don't you, 24:24 you know, because we have seen things 24:26 come out of, on, you know, 24:27 what we consider unequally yoked. 24:29 You got to consider the fact that in Jesus' line 24:31 there's a woman who is not an Israelite, 24:33 you know, and so how do you reconcile that, 24:36 because God said to move. 24:37 You know what I'm saying and so there has to be 24:39 that aspect of letting God 24:41 lead you in your decision making 24:42 and having the faith that He will correct you. 24:44 Yeah, okay. Yeah, I would agree with Korey. 24:46 I'd say, you know, it's not a necessarily issue 24:48 of right or wrong again, but I would say 24:50 it's an issue of being wise or unwise. 24:52 I do think that, you know, it's possible that you, 24:54 anything is possible with God. 24:56 You can date somebody who is not of your faith, 24:57 who doesn't believe what you believe 24:59 and you may be able to convert them 25:00 and convict them to the way of your thinking. 25:02 But it's dangerous because when you love somebody 25:06 or when you care for somebody, you're gonna sacrifice, 25:09 you know, certain beliefs or certain principles 25:11 that you have, You're not gonna be as firmly rooted 25:13 as you were before because you want to please that person. 25:17 So sometimes it is a dangerous thing, 25:19 you know, again, I can't say it's right or wrong 25:21 but I would say be careful, be cautious 25:23 and as Korey said, definitely pray about it before I move. 25:25 And that's why when you're dating someone, 25:27 you must not let your relationship 25:29 with Jesus falter out because if you are in love with Jesus 25:33 first, you know, then, is someone, 25:35 if you're just dating a person who married Jesus, 25:37 then your marriage is Jesus trumps that date, 25:38 date and relationship. 25:40 Wow. 25:42 Well, I have a personal experience I like to share. 25:44 Okay, go ahead. 25:46 I met someone who was not Adventist 25:49 and they were charismatic, they were a leader. 25:51 They had all the qualities that I you know, 25:54 make the little checklist that we tell women 25:55 to do whatever you want in a guy. 25:57 He seemed like he was all of these things. 25:59 So we started dating, we even both like soy milk. 26:03 That was really awesome. Nice. 26:05 You know, but he wasn't Adventist. 26:08 And so he started coming to church 26:09 and doing Bible studies and all these things. 26:11 I'm thinking that we're really, really great. 26:13 But I was always crying. I was always crying. 26:16 And every time we were talking, 26:18 just when we were in the conversation with prayer, 26:21 but I was crying. 26:22 And it started to bring up some red flags. 26:25 When my friends met him, they were just like, 26:27 "Kim, we don't know if he's really the one." 26:30 He would belittle me in public. 26:33 He would often times get upset with me 26:36 and use abusive or abrasive language in text messages. 26:42 They would be times 26:43 where when they would be a disagreement, 26:45 and in relationships you have disagreements, 26:47 you know, conflict happens 26:49 but in the conflict it would be very, 26:51 just the anger level would be very high, 26:54 would slam things and hit things and throw things. 26:57 He'd use scripture in threatening ways. 27:01 Mercy. 27:02 But we were having worship together, 27:06 we're praying together and so, they were all these red flags. 27:08 So he proposed to me and even the proposal was off, 27:12 like everything was off. 27:13 But in my mind I was seeing all these red flags 27:15 but I was trying to make the red flags pink, 27:17 where not quite red because I wanted to get married. 27:22 And then, finally, after prayer, a lot of fasting, 27:25 God revealed to me that, a specific scripture that says, 27:31 "It's better to live in a house of peace 27:33 with a dry crust of bread than live in a house 27:35 with feasting and quarrelling and fighting." 27:38 And that was huge sign for me. 27:40 So I called off the engagement and went my separate way 27:42 and I have peace. 27:43 Amen. 27:45 Well, that was powerful, Kim. Thank you for that. 27:46 Let's close with the text. 27:48 2 Timothy 4:22, 27:49 "Run from anything that gives you 27:51 the evil thoughts that young men often have. 27:53 But stay close to anything 27:54 that makes you want to do right." 27:56 Amen. 27:57 Remember to always make pure choices. 27:59 God bless. |
Revised 2016-03-28