Participants: Pr. Joshua Nelson (Host), Brittany Hill, Jeanne Mogusu, John Coaxum, Kim Pearson
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000070
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned that some material may be too candid 00:06 for younger children. 00:39 Hello, and welcome to "Pure Choices." 00:41 I'm your host, Pastor Joshua Nelson. 00:43 And I'm so happy you decided to join us. 00:45 We are talking about making a list 00:47 and checking it twice. Hmm. 00:49 Yes, we're talking about marriage. 00:51 Should you make a list 00:53 when you're trying to get married? 00:54 Should there be some expectations 00:55 you should have in relationship? 00:57 Should you really write it down? 01:00 Or should you just let God lead? 01:02 What's the medium ground in that situation? 01:04 So we're gonna talk about that today and figure out 01:07 what we can discover from our panel. 01:09 But before we do that, 01:10 let's pause for a moment of prayer. 01:13 Heavenly Father, we thank You again 01:15 that we can discuss these important topics. 01:18 We ask, Father, that You would send Your Spirit now 01:20 to lead and guide this discussion 01:22 in Jesus' name we pray, amen. 01:24 Amen. All right. 01:25 To my left, I have Pastor John Coaxum 01:29 who is the associate pastor of the Glenville Seventh-day 01:32 Adventist Church over in Cleveland, Ohio. 01:35 On the couch here we have Dr. Jeanne Mogusu 01:38 who is recent graduate of Andrews University 01:41 in Berrien Springs. 01:43 Next to her we have our Associate Chaplain 01:44 at Oakwood University, Kimberly Pearson. 01:47 Next to Kimberly, we have Brittany Hill 01:49 who is recent graduate of the Andrews University 01:52 Theological Seminary there in Berrien Springs. 01:55 So we are happy to have the panel here today 01:58 and, of course, I'm Pastor Nelson. 01:59 I have two churches in South Carolina. 02:01 And so we are gonna get into this topic 02:03 about list, making list. 02:05 And you can see, if we put a little wide shot, 02:07 you can see how we have a setup here. 02:09 We have girls versus the guys. 02:11 So it's-- 02:13 Mercy. The ladies. 02:14 It's two of us guys here. 02:15 So are we ready to go? 02:17 We're ready to go. We got a lot of numbers. 02:18 No, no, no. We are only two guys. 02:19 We got this. We're fine. 02:21 All right. 02:22 Let's talk about this thing, okay. 02:23 Why do think people make list in the first place? 02:28 I think people make list because it helps structure. 02:32 I mean, when you have things to do during the day, 02:34 you make a to-do-list, right? 02:35 And so like if you're trying to get married, 02:37 you make a to-marry-list. 02:40 So, you know, I think people who are visual 02:43 gives you a frame of reference, kind of like checkpoint. 02:46 Okay. 02:48 So give me a little more specific then why do women, 02:50 you all are gonna give us the answers for women, 02:52 why do women make a list? 02:54 So they don't make mistakes. 02:56 You want to make the list to make sure 02:57 that when you approach a guy or if a guy approaches you, 03:00 it's not someone that you're gonna have huge regrets 03:02 about later, so... 03:04 That's sisters. 03:06 Now, John, speak for us, man. 03:07 I mean, do we make list? 03:08 And I guess, I'll be honest, I did make a list. 03:13 But why do you think men like make list? 03:15 Well, it's funny to me. 03:16 Some guys do make list, some guys don't. 03:18 Some guys just go after the prettiest girl. 03:19 But I would agree with Brittany. 03:21 I think the same is for guys as well. 03:23 I mean, we just don't want to make any regrets. 03:24 At the end of the day, 03:25 men are kind of competitive too, 03:27 let's just be honest about it. 03:28 We'd like to have a nice Barbie Doll on our arm. 03:31 We want a trophy. Mercy, mercy. 03:32 Yeah, I mean, it's true. 03:34 It's true for the most part, you know. 03:35 Guys just want to, you know, a beautiful girl on their arm 03:38 and so we make a list and make sure 03:40 that by the time we are married, 03:42 you know, we don't have any regrets 03:43 and we're not, you know, 03:44 sorry for the choice that we make. 03:46 Right, right. 03:47 Now we have exactly what we wanted, right? 03:48 And I remember, you know, before I went to college, 03:50 my mom sat me down 03:51 and she said, "Joshua, we're gonna make a list now." 03:55 I really don't remember if it was her idea or my idea, 03:56 but I do remember that, you know, we sat down, 03:58 we talked about what kind of woman 03:59 that I would be looking for and all that, 04:01 not just about how she looks, but also how she acts or not. 04:03 And so, you know, it was something that 04:06 I felt was exciting and important at the time. 04:08 But, you know, looking back I'm not sure 04:11 if that helped or stifled me 04:14 in my looking for the perfect person. 04:17 And I think that's where it begins to get a little sketchy 04:21 because you begin to look for the perfect person, 04:23 the ideal person that may or may not exist would you agree? 04:26 So what are some dangers then in women making a, 04:31 talk about women now, making list? 04:34 I think the, the running joke it usually is 04:37 when you are in your teens, in your '20s, 04:39 you have this very long list. 04:41 When you are in your '30s, you, the list gets shorter. 04:46 But at a certain age, 04:48 you just need one thing for him to be a man. 04:51 And alive. 04:52 At least that's what... And alive. 04:54 Oh, yeah. 04:56 He needs to alive and a man. 04:58 So I mean, it's a-- 05:00 And it becomes a joke because when I think your list portrays 05:04 what you are looking for at that moment, you know. 05:07 And so, I can speak for myself. 05:10 When I was in my '20s, 05:12 there were things that were on my list or I should say 05:16 were not on my list that right now 05:18 are non-negotiables for me, you know. 05:20 So I would say, a list reflects where you are in your maturity, 05:25 either emotionally or spiritually. 05:28 Okay. 05:29 Yeah, so it's like a benchmark 05:31 for you to make sure that wherever you are, 05:34 what you're looking for is that what you actually, 05:36 what you're looking for is what you actually get. 05:38 Okay. 05:39 All right, what's more like maybe pros and... 05:41 pros and cons, I guess so of making a list. 05:43 Well, I think some pros are that it gives you, 05:45 let's say a point of reference, okay? 05:46 This is what I know I'm looking for. 05:48 This is things that are important to me. 05:51 You wouldn't walk into a job interview with the job 05:53 that you want and not know what your history is 05:56 or what you bring to the table or anything like that. 05:59 So that there are pros to that knowing 06:00 which one having at the front of your mind. 06:03 The con to it is that it can, it can turn into a checklist 06:07 that everybody that comes into your life, 06:09 you're having the list and the person you are going, 06:11 yes, yes, yes. Nope. Oh, sorry. 06:14 Can't, you know, you can't make that work. 06:15 So sometimes it can create almost a barrier for ourselves 06:21 while it keeps other people from getting in 06:23 and it also keeps us from getting out. 06:25 Yeah. 06:27 Whenever I go to the store, 06:29 you know, I try to have a shopping list, right? 06:32 Just so that I don't end up with stuff that I don't want 06:35 or I leaves out stuff that really do want. 06:39 Unfortunately sometimes you'll go in and you'll get what you, 06:42 what was on your list or you may or, 06:45 and there'll be some things that are on your list 06:48 that you get and you kind of switch up 06:51 because you found something better. 06:52 And I think that's the importance of having list. 06:55 You have your-- It's kind of like a benchmark. 06:58 You know what you really need. 07:01 And then there are those things that you really want. 07:03 You'll get to the checklist, you know, 07:05 the checkout and you'll leave some things out 07:08 because they were just wants, 07:10 they were not what you really needed. 07:12 And I think a list does that for you to, 07:13 for and relationships does that for you too, 07:16 especially when you're going into something 07:17 as important as marriage. 07:19 Yes. Yeah, true. 07:20 Yeah, I think making a list, 07:22 I mean, the pros are obviously again, 07:24 it's a reference point to get what you want. 07:26 But I think the con sometimes are it can very much narrow 07:30 your scope of vision of the world 07:32 and so you begin to think like 07:34 this type of person is the only person 07:36 that is going to make me happy, 07:37 you know, there's a running joke 07:39 and I'll say this for the women here today. 07:40 I pray I don't get in trouble. 07:41 But, you know, there's a running joke about a woman 07:43 who goes to man, you know. 07:44 She asks, you know, the man, you know, I need you to have, 07:47 you know, this type of job, making this type of salary. 07:50 I need you to have a BMW 07:51 and I need you to live in this type of house. 07:53 And the guy says, "Well, I don't have all of that." 07:54 But after she leaves and goes away and says, 07:57 "Well, okay. I can't. 07:58 I don't want anything to do with you." 07:59 The brother then says, "Well, I'm the boss. 08:01 I don't drive a BMW, but I drive a Lamborghini, 08:03 and I don't have a house, but I live in a condo." 08:05 And so it's like, "Really? 08:06 You sacrifice all of that, but you could had this." 08:08 And think it narrows our scope of vision 08:11 and it also-- It deprives us of having open mindset. 08:16 God could bless us with something that 08:18 we didn't even think possible, you know. 08:20 But when we only have a list 08:21 and this is the only way it can be then, 08:23 I think we just shrink what God can do for us. 08:25 Yeah, it's so true. 08:26 It give us something that we didn't even imagine. 08:29 That's why He has the plans 08:30 that He has for us is unimaginable to us. 08:32 And so we can limit God really by making list as well. 08:35 But also we could hinder the devil 08:38 by making a list that is God, 08:39 that is the standard that God wants us to have. 08:41 So in a way it can goes, goes hand in hand, 08:43 you know, either way depending on how-- 08:45 Really depending on what's on your list. 08:47 And that's where I want to go next, okay? 08:48 So let's see. 08:50 Can you guys give us some things that were 08:52 or are on your either written down list 08:55 or imaginary list, maybe some standards that you would say, 08:58 these are the things that I'm looking for non-negotiable 09:00 in the person I'm gonna be with. 09:02 So I'm looking at the women, sitting across from them, 09:04 so of course, they're gonna go first. 09:05 Okay. Very good. 09:07 I think the first thing which is so pure basic is 09:10 he has to have a relationship with God. 09:11 You don't want to be with someone 09:13 that doesn't spend time with God, 09:14 doesn't pray, doesn't do anything. 09:16 All he does is maybe go to church every Easter, 09:19 maybe every Christmas, probably New Year's Day. 09:21 You want someone who has a constant relationship with God 09:24 and who isn't afraid to stand up and say, 09:27 "Hey, let's have devotion. 09:29 Hey, let's take a walk and actually talk to God 09:31 and pray together with Him in that element of, 09:35 that's what bear minimal." 09:37 Yeah. 09:38 I think and I've done list, you know, they've changed. 09:42 I had that list that I had in college. 09:43 I had the list that I had after college. 09:46 And then now that I'm in my '30s, 09:48 my list looks a lot different. 09:49 I think my, my, begin-- This is my suggestion. 09:52 My list begins with non-negotiables 09:54 which then for morality. 09:56 I don't want someone who is willing to compromise 09:59 my virtue or my value. 10:01 So, you know, promiscuity or sex before marriage, 10:04 has a relationship with God, doesn't smoke or drink, 10:09 you know, takes care of their body. 10:10 So these are some things to me that are, 10:13 that are non-negotiables. 10:14 Right, right. 10:16 And then from there things like, 10:17 has a great sense of humor. 10:19 Yeah. 10:20 Someone who's compassionate, who treats their family well, 10:23 treats their mom well. 10:24 So some of those other character things, 10:27 and for me, that's big. 10:28 My list looks at character. 10:30 Not necessarily behavior or external things. 10:33 Okay, okay. I like that. 10:35 I think you also want to make sure that the person that, 10:38 especially when you're going into something like marriage, 10:40 is someone who respects you. 10:42 I mean, we talk a lot about love, 10:44 but even the person who beats you up sometimes says, 10:47 "Hey, I love you. 10:48 And this is why I'm doing it." 10:50 You know, you want someone who has, 10:52 who values you who you are and who respects you 10:56 and who will help you be the best that you can be, 10:59 someone who brings out the best in you, they say, you know. 11:04 I think that's really important because if it's someone 11:06 who is not gonna allow you 11:08 to meet your God-given potential, 11:11 then is that really someone that you want to be around. 11:13 I mean, because they're essentially stifling 11:16 what God has created you to be, 11:18 your purpose in life. 11:19 And you'll never really achieve that if you're with someone 11:22 who is constantly tearing you down any chance, you know. 11:27 And that's why it's really important 11:28 that they have a relationship with God 11:29 because I don't believe that someone 11:31 who has a sincere relationship with God 11:32 would ever be someone who disrespects you 11:34 or tries to not allow you to live up 11:38 to your God-given potential. 11:39 Wow, man. 11:41 The women are very, very profound and mature. 11:42 I mean, you got something to add to that, John? 11:44 Well, of course, I do. 11:46 I think I'll be the one to get real for a moment. 11:47 Yeah, there you go. 11:49 We are not real then? 11:51 This is a teachable and interesting moment. 11:53 You know, what I'm seeing, Josh and ladies, 11:55 I think that women in general are just more forgiving 11:58 when it comes to externals than guys are. 12:00 Now my list, you know, previous, pre-Christ 12:02 or my BC days, Before Christ was, you know, 12:05 I wanted a woman that is attractive 12:07 that I'm attractive to, 12:08 that I'm attracted to, you know. 12:10 I don't even care if she's godly or not. 12:11 I'll be godly for the both of us, you know. 12:13 I just wanted attractive woman, you know what I mean. 12:15 Nowadays, you know, it's changed a little bit. 12:17 Yes, I want a godly woman, 12:18 but at the end of the day, Josh, I have to admit, 12:20 you know, attraction is still very high on my list. 12:23 Oh, yeah. 12:24 And I don't see anything wrong with that, you know. 12:25 I want somebody, you know, that I love to look at. 12:28 You know somebody that I care about 12:30 and somebody that I'm just, you know, 12:31 romantically involved with 12:32 and want to be romantically involved with. 12:34 All those other things are important as well, 12:36 good personality, you know, laughter, and all of that, 12:38 but I would say attraction is very high on my list. 12:40 Yeah, I mean, I would agree, you know. 12:43 I remember one of my friends said to me, you know, 12:45 make sure you marry somebody who you are infatuated with 12:48 and that kind of steered me in the wrong way sometimes, 12:50 but I think that what he was trying to say 12:52 and what I will be saying now too 12:53 is make sure as men that you're visual, 12:56 make sure you're with somebody 12:58 who you don't mind looking at everyday, you know, 13:00 who you think is beautiful. 13:02 And so that was definitely on list there, you know. 13:04 I got that on my list. 13:06 Let me say, I'm gonna show my list, okay. 13:07 I got that on my list, beautiful, good personality, 13:11 you know, make me laugh, you know, funny 13:14 and then the third one, the main one, 13:17 they got to know how to cook. 13:19 Oh, yes. 13:21 And, of course, you know, 13:22 of course, of course, the first, 13:24 I mean, back I'm a pastor, first, relationship with God, 13:26 obviously, you know, that's gonna shape everything. 13:29 But I'm-- Praise God that I did find, you know, 13:32 a wife that actually fits at least those four things 13:36 that I mentioned that fits in those categories, you know, 13:38 she can cook. 13:40 She's a fine Jamaican woman. She can cook. 13:43 But great personality. We always laugh together. 13:45 You know, so that's great. Praise God for that. 13:47 And she is fine, yes. 13:50 She's beautiful, you know. And she loves God. 13:52 More, you know, more importantly she loves God. 13:54 So those things were mine. 13:56 Now, now I don't know somebody would argue now, okay. 13:58 Did you really had to put she has to cook on there, 14:00 you know, something like that. 14:01 But maybe there are some things 14:03 that you should not have on a list. 14:04 So let's talk about the things 14:06 you should not have on your list, okay. 14:07 What are some things that maybe are a little bit far 14:10 reaching in terms of your list that you make? 14:13 Ladies, again we'll start with you, guys. 14:14 Go ahead. 14:16 Well... You should have on the list. 14:19 Yeah. 14:21 I think that women are much more detail-oriented than guys. 14:25 So I would say it's not necessary 14:27 that something you shouldn't have on your list, 14:28 but I will be very weary about how detailed you get. 14:33 So I want a man who has a job. 14:35 Amen. 14:36 Yes, amen. Amen? Amen? 14:39 Has a job. 14:40 But I don't want to say, well, 14:41 I want a man who has a six figure job 14:44 that makes this much money, that works from this. 14:47 I mean, of course, you can tell all your wants 14:49 and desires, but I'll be careful about boxing, 14:53 boxing a person in. 14:54 So I would say just be, be general 14:58 and just avoid being way too detailed. 15:00 I want someone who drives a green BMW like, 15:04 and I believe, like I said I believe 15:05 that God can do anything, 15:07 but I want to, I want to, you know, 15:08 make sure is how my young ladies 15:10 that it's okay to be honest, 15:12 but I will also say don't box God in. 15:14 Yeah, yeah, it's good. 15:15 One thing I would add is something that I had to learn 15:17 is not to have on the list somebody that's perfect 15:21 or somebody that has no past mistakes. 15:24 We have to realize that everybody 15:25 is coming from different backgrounds. 15:27 They have different struggles, different issues 15:28 so when someone is, when you are about to talk to someone, 15:31 you can make, oh, my goodness. 15:32 You've had sex before? No. 15:34 We cannot do this or even saying, 15:38 you had issues, you used to do drugs. 15:41 Sometimes we need to realize that God can redeem people 15:43 and forward with that. 15:45 So that's a major thing not to put on the list. 15:48 No past experience. 15:49 And when you said that I was thinking about how a lot of, 15:51 you know, even now, our age, a lot of people still have, 15:54 may have, you know, children who've been 15:55 in past relationship or married, you know, 15:57 there are some things that you may say, well, 15:59 that's not what I planned to have, 16:01 but God may say this is where I want you to be at this time. 16:02 Yeah, yeah. 16:04 I think what I would say about not having on the list 16:09 is things that limit to God, you know, 16:12 'cause God is a limitless person. 16:15 You may say you want. 16:17 And you can give God. Trust me. 16:19 You can give God your preferences, 16:23 but don't make your preference a non-negotiable 16:27 because then you, then you totally could miss out God, 16:31 on God's blessings 'cause you can say you want a 6'2", 16:35 you know, black, handsome. 16:38 Tall, dark and handsome. 16:39 Morris Chestnut looking kind of guy, you know, 16:43 who works out, has a six pack and... 16:45 I'm already taken Jeanne... 16:51 Has a six pack and has a, works a six figure job. 16:54 And is single and not married. 16:56 And is single and not married with two kids. 16:58 Right here, John, he is... 17:01 Oh, man. 17:03 But what you could be missing out on is maybe 6'3" guy, 17:07 who has a seven figure job or, you know, or even five figure. 17:13 Yeah. Or men that has a job. 17:15 Or the man that just has a job, and a good job a day. 17:17 Or is just hard working. Talk to Corey. 17:19 Or... 17:21 And that's what I'm saying. 17:23 So when we, when we get so specific 17:25 that we get unrealistic, I mean, then it's like, yeah, 17:30 what do you-- You know, you know, 17:32 some of these things that we put on list, 17:34 literally only a magician can do and we, you know. 17:38 And marriage is too important 17:40 to peg it on a rabbit in a hat, you know. 17:44 Yeah. It's deep. 17:46 Yeah, I would say I agree with Kim. 17:48 Money is something that I would not put on the list. 17:50 It is a desire that I wanted, I mean, for a while, 17:52 I wanted to, you know, marry a doctor, you know, 17:54 somebody who just makes a lot of money after-- 17:56 Yeah. Especially the pastor, right? 17:58 Yeah, I can retire one day, you know, with the kids, 18:00 you know. 18:02 But I realized at the end of the day, 18:03 there is things that are far more 18:05 better value in a relationship 18:07 that I should be looking for than the money that she makes. 18:10 I think us being able to have decent conversation, 18:12 she understands me, you know, she cooks well 18:14 and we can sit down, we're best friends, 18:16 we have a good relationship. 18:18 That thing trumps money every single time. 18:21 And, you know, there's always a potential to make more money 18:23 and there's always a potential to, 18:25 you know, lose your job. 18:26 So are you gonna base a relationship 18:28 on how much money that person makes? 18:29 To me, that's fickle and that's not enough. 18:31 Yeah, I mean, you have to see what your value in life. 18:33 I mean, man, for me, my wife, when we just knowing 18:35 that we can sit down and talk about anything. 18:37 Yeah, it's beautiful. 18:38 The communication, I mean, 18:40 that is just so priceless to have, 18:41 you know, and I, and I found that in her. 18:42 I said, "Man, this is-- I mean, even if you can't cook, 18:44 like this is, you know, this is, 18:45 this is it because of our, 18:46 of our connection that we have." 18:48 And I think craving after that, 18:49 you said craving after the money, you know, 18:52 really kind of tells a little about yourself too 18:54 and what you value. 18:55 And I also think, you know, 18:56 what Jeanne said about perfection 18:58 and the ladies were speaking about perfection, 18:59 as women, you know, our desire, 19:03 generally speaking is I like to say nurturing 19:06 and we want to be nurturers. 19:07 And so sometimes we can make this composite person. 19:12 Well, there was this guy and he was funny 19:14 and there was this guy and he was tall, 19:16 dark and handsome and then there was this guy, 19:18 he made a lot of money. 19:19 And so we put all of these things 19:21 that we like from a bunch of different people 19:24 all into one person and expect one person 19:28 to meet all that needs and we start to nurture 19:30 that imaginary person within us, 19:33 through our little fantasies in our, you know, 19:35 imaginations and the dream wedding. 19:38 And the things is, put things on your list 19:40 that extend a wedding day. 19:41 Right. 19:43 That that really would lend to itself 19:44 to you being happy in a marriage. 19:47 Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. 19:49 And that's well said. 19:50 And it leads us to our next point 19:51 because now if you're in relationship with someone 19:53 and you're getting married or you're looking to marry, 19:55 now that person doesn't have all the things 19:57 you thought your list, you know, 19:59 has or they should have. 20:01 How do you keep from now pointing fingers and saying, 20:04 well, wait as second, 20:06 you don't cook that stuff like my mom does 20:07 or you don't do that thing like my dad did, 20:09 you know, you don't open the doors for me, you know, 20:10 that was on my list. 20:12 You are doing that thing, you know. 20:13 How do you then, if you said, "Okay, fine, God, okay. 20:16 This person would fit my list. I'm going for them. 20:18 How do you now reorganize your thoughts 20:20 that not always follow your list in a relationship?" 20:23 Oh, wow. 20:24 That's, that's-- 20:25 I think the important thing is recognizing 20:29 the value of that relationship, focusing on the good. 20:34 If you want to focus on bad things, 20:36 if I-- It doesn't matter what relationship you're in. 20:40 I could be in a relationship-- I mean, well, 20:42 Kim and I are friends. 20:43 Yes, we're friends. Yes, we're friends. 20:46 But if I want to pick at every bad thing 20:51 that is wrong with our friendship, which is yeah... 20:54 Don't you think we have a friendship? 20:58 You always find bad things. 21:00 It doesn't matter if you're always looking for bad, 21:02 you will always find bad. 21:04 It's true. Yeah. 21:05 And I think it's really important to focus on the good. 21:07 And once you focus on the good, 21:08 you will be surprised that how much good there is, 21:12 much more good I should say 21:13 than the things that you thought about. 21:15 And I think that's what you need to think about 21:17 is it's not you have chosen to be in this person, 21:21 to be with this person, with this person 21:25 and the fact that you're with this person means 21:27 that there's something about that person that gels for you. 21:31 Right. So focus on those things. 21:34 It could just be that they have a great personality. 21:37 Yeah. 21:38 Or they make jokes that you get 21:41 or maybe you are the only one who gets their jokes, you know. 21:44 Those are the things that that I think make for a great life. 21:48 Yeah. You're teaching that, Jeanne. 21:49 I like them. All right. 21:51 I think you need to realize 21:52 that your list is not more important 21:54 than the person that you are with. 21:56 Sometimes we go through the process of, okay, 21:58 I found this person, he seems teachable. 22:00 So let me teach you how to be everything that's on my list. 22:03 You have potential. 22:04 Let me teach you how to be ambitious, 22:06 let me teach you how to do this, 22:07 whatever is on the list. 22:08 And sometimes when you approach a person, 22:10 you need to realize that the person most likely 22:12 is gonna stay that way 22:13 if they don't choose to change for themselves. 22:15 You can't force that person to change. 22:18 So you just toss out the list and say, 22:19 if this is the person whom I'm gonna be with, 22:21 then let's accept them for who they are 22:23 and move on with that. 22:24 Yeah, all right. Definitely. 22:26 I mean, I know I've been guilty of that. 22:27 Trying to change somebody at your will, 22:28 trying to make them be like somebody else, you know, 22:30 and I've been even the one being, 22:32 trying to be changed, 22:33 you know, to be like somebody else. 22:35 So, yeah, I mean, that's a big one. 22:37 Those are two really good points you're making 22:39 and guarding, safeguarding yourself 22:40 when you have this list. 22:42 Yeah, I would possibly also add that 22:44 you need to know what you're willing to deal with. 22:47 And that should probably be on your list. 22:50 Am I willing to deal with a person 22:51 that let's say has had sex before? 22:54 Am I willing to deal with a person that has three kids 22:57 with three different mothers? 22:58 What am I willing to deal with 23:00 and probably had that on your list, 23:01 so you can have an idea of okay, 23:03 if this person comes and they are not perfect, 23:05 but they have these issues, I can't-- I'm not gonna panic 23:08 'cause I think I have the capacity to deal with, 23:10 I'm mature enough to deal with these situations. 23:12 Okay. Yeah. 23:13 Okay, go ahead, go ahead. 23:15 I would say I would just want to chime off 23:16 for what Brittany said, you know. 23:18 I think that we do come into relationships, you know, 23:20 with this potential model saying 23:22 that I can make this person better 23:24 or I can change them this little thing, 23:25 but I think when you come to point of marriage, 23:28 you are basically saying to God 23:29 and to the world, 23:31 you know, let's just give an example, 23:32 my future wife leaves, you know, dishes in the sink, 23:35 I don't like that. 23:36 And it's my pet peeve and I hate it. 23:37 It's the worst thing in the world, 23:39 you know what I mean? 23:40 But when you're in a marriage, you have to come to the point 23:43 where you're saying, even if this thing does not change, 23:46 I'm still willing to be with this person. 23:48 If it never change, if it never get's better 23:50 and I gotta suffer through it, I want to be with that person. 23:52 But also, I think Proverbs 3:5, 6, 23:55 I think that comes into play, you know, 23:56 I won't quote the whole thing, but it says, 23:58 "He will direct your path." Amen. 24:00 And I think that when you come to the point of marriage, 24:02 you need to have some inkling or some awareness, man. 24:05 God brought me into this marriage. 24:07 So therefore, if everything doesn't workout the way 24:09 I planned it, still God is at the forefront of my marriage. 24:12 He wanted me to be here. 24:13 But when you didn't put God first in the first place, 24:15 well, you can't say that. 24:17 And so you have no hope and you have no trust. 24:18 Yeah, yeah. 24:19 And I was just gonna say 24:21 that expectations can be a relationship killer. 24:23 You come to the table, well, he should do this 24:24 and I should do this and she should look like this 24:26 and she should dress like this 24:27 and whenever we get into all these things, 24:29 communication. 24:31 When you're dating somebody, 24:32 you're getting to know somebody, 24:34 you got to put, put not yourself, 24:35 and all of yourself on the table, 24:37 but put your expectations on the table, 24:40 this is what I like, this I what I enjoy, 24:42 this makes me feel special or important. 24:44 This is, I mean, I leave the dishes in the sink, 24:47 now of course, there are gonna be things 24:48 that you just won't know until you get married, 24:51 but for the most part, 24:52 try to get to know the other person, 24:54 try to see the person for who they are, 24:56 talk about things have communication, dialogue 24:59 and that'll really open itself and lend itself 25:02 to sharing some of those things on your list. 25:05 Really quickly, Jeanne. 25:06 I was gonna say that one thing-- 25:08 I love the conversation that's going on, 25:10 one thing we also have to remember. 25:12 Everybody comes with the level of crazy. 25:14 Everybody has... Some more than others. 25:18 Extra does. Testify. 25:20 Some degrees of crazy or higher than others, 25:24 but everybody has a level of crazy. 25:26 You just have to be willing to deal 25:29 with their level of crazy. 25:31 And that's it. I like that. 25:32 Let's get away. All right. 25:33 But before we close, Brittany is gonna give us 25:35 a little testimony of her experience. 25:37 Go ahead. 25:38 Okay, personally for me, presently, 25:41 I'm about to get married in a couple of months. 25:42 Yeah. Amen. 25:44 Yes, amen. 25:45 And when I first started this whole dating process, 25:49 I didn't really have an extensive list. 25:51 There was only like three main things that were important, 25:54 a relationship with God, a sense of humor. 25:56 I don't remember what third thing is right now. 25:58 So we just drove over with that. 26:00 And now that I am with my fiance Xavier, 26:06 there are certain things I don't think 26:07 I would have been able to put on a list. 26:10 He fulfills so many different elements. 26:12 He uplifts me as a pastor. 26:16 He continues to tell everybody, 26:17 she's a senior pastor, let her do, he continues, 26:20 he always encourages me 26:21 and he sees my potential and keeps them. 26:23 I don't think I would've able to put that on a list. 26:27 With all the situations that I've been dealing with, 26:30 trying to mature and grow, 26:32 I don't think I would've been able to put on the list 26:33 someone who's gonna able to deal with me 26:36 'cause I can be, you know, I have a level of crazy. 26:40 Everybody is crazy. Yeah. 26:41 And honestly, I feel like God said, 26:44 "Brittany, you had a list, 26:45 but this is the person that's better like. 26:47 He showed it in me. 26:49 I probably had a list of this high. 26:51 And, yeah, he's not black. 26:54 So all of these I couldn't put this on the list, 26:56 but God was like, this is who I really have for you." 26:58 Amen. 27:00 And this is how it's gonna help you forever. 27:02 Wow. Amen. 27:03 That is awesome. 27:05 You know, that's the beauty of it right there 27:06 When we allow our list to not be our list, 27:09 but to be God's list, 27:10 He then gives us the person we need to be with. 27:12 That's definitely my testimony. 27:13 You know, and I appreciate you're sharing that, you know, 27:15 being engaged and about to get married and stuff. 27:17 So we praise God for that. 27:19 And, you know, there are so many things that we can go 27:20 and I would encourage our viewers 27:22 that you take some time to pray 27:24 and ask God what is that God will have you to do 27:26 and where we would have, you go with the people 27:27 and relationships that you have. 27:29 I'm gonna close with this verse. 27:30 This is Psalms 139:16. 27:33 It says, "You saw me before I was born 27:34 and scheduled each day of my life 27:36 before I began to breathe. 27:38 Everyday was recorded in your book." 27:41 I love that because God records our life in His book. 27:44 He has a list for us. 27:46 It's not about what we want, but it's about what He wants. 27:49 So I praise God for that and if anything else, 27:52 always remember to always make pure choices. 27:55 God bless you. Thank you. |
Revised 2016-03-28