Participants: Pr. Joshua Nelson (Host), Brittany Hill, Jeanne Mogusu, John Coaxum, Korey P. Douglas
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000071
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:05 may be too candid for younger children. 00:40 Hello, and welcome to Pure Choices. 00:42 I'm your host, Pastor Joshua Nelson. 00:44 I'm so glad you decided to join us today. 00:45 We're talking about Co-habitation today. 00:48 Yeah, interesting topic 00:50 because a lot of people wanna know, 00:52 is it okay to live with my boyfriend 00:53 or girl friend before I get married. 00:55 And so we're gonna discuss this today 00:56 along with number of other things. 00:58 But of course, before we begin, 01:00 let's pause for a moment of prayer. 01:02 Heavenly Father, we thank You so much for this day 01:06 and this moment and we ask Father 01:07 that Your Spirit would be here to guide us 01:09 through this discussion, in Jesus' name we pray. 01:11 Amen. Amen. 01:13 Let's introduce our panel. 01:15 To my left I have Dr. Jeanne Mogusu, 01:17 who is a recent graduate of Andrews University, 01:19 happy to have her here. 01:21 We also have Brittany Hill, 01:23 who is also a recent graduate of Andrews University 01:26 in Berrien Springs, Michigan, happy she's here. 01:29 Next to her, we have Pastor KP Douglas, 01:32 from Southeast Missouri, he has two churches out there, 01:34 glad he's here with us. 01:36 Next to him, another pastor, Pastor John Coaxum, 01:39 who is the associate pastor 01:40 of the Glenville Seventh-day Adventist Church 01:42 in Cleveland, Ohio. 01:43 And of course, I'm Pastor Nelson 01:44 from South Carolina with two churches out there 01:46 in South Atlantic Conference. 01:48 So we're so glad that we're all here 01:49 to be able to discuss these topics 01:52 and this of course is a good one 01:53 because a lot of people wanna know. 01:55 "Is it okay to live with my significant other 01:58 before I get married?" 02:00 Let me start with a story. 02:02 When I went to, well, started back pastoring again 02:06 in my new district, I had my, now my wife, amen, 02:12 who was then just my fiancA(C)e, 02:14 and she was living about 45 minutes from me at the time. 02:17 She would come to church with me, you know, 02:18 and they would see us, you know, 02:20 together and what not. 02:21 Now some of the young people, 02:23 they were saying a few things about 02:25 when I was visiting there in weekdays, they say, 02:26 you know, "Why don't you bring your wife with you and stuff?" 02:28 I said, "Well, I know, I don't see her on the weekends 02:30 when I go to church." 02:31 "So what do you mean? You don't live together?" 02:33 I was like, "No, of course, not." 02:34 You know, and they, you know, 02:36 I'm a pastor and they're thinking that 02:38 I'm living with my fiancA(C)e, you know, they had no idea that 02:42 that's not even what Christian should be doing, you know. 02:44 And so nowadays, from seeing that 02:47 and realizing that I said, man, 02:48 it's just a common thing that people think 02:50 that you just live with who you're with, 02:52 that's just what you do is. 02:53 Even in the movies and shows you watch, 02:54 it's always, you know, "Are you gonna get a key," 02:56 You know, "Are you going to, you know, be living with me?" 03:00 You know, that's usually the next step, not marriage, 03:02 it's usually next step is co-habitation. 03:05 So what kind of biblical principles 03:07 can we take away and teach about 03:11 living with someone before you get married? 03:14 So let's just start talking about that. 03:16 I'll start with, whom do I start with? 03:20 I'll start with Brittany. 03:22 Okay, Brittany, 03:23 is there anything wrong with co-habitation? 03:24 What's, I mean, if there is any, 03:26 what's wrong with it? 03:27 There are a few things that are wrong with co-habitation. 03:30 And the first thing is 03:31 when people are coming together to live together, 03:34 the question is, why? 03:35 And based on statistics, they have like four reasons 03:39 why people choose to live together. 03:41 The first common is 03:42 they're testing the relationship. 03:44 Seeing if it's okay, are we gonna actually survive 03:46 if we actually do get married, so just try this thing out. 03:50 Another thing, reason why it's so convenient, 03:53 you get to save money, you're moving together, 03:56 and you don't have to pay all the expenses 03:57 if you're living separately. 03:59 Another reason is emancipation, a lot of young people, 04:02 they want their parents to know, 04:03 "Hey, I can do this on my own, I can survive." 04:06 So it's like, "I'm free now." 04:07 And the last one is like lead up to relationships, 04:10 they're just basically a person is moving in 04:12 with another person 04:13 because they're dependents and that's what they're doing. 04:16 And sometimes these different reasons mix together 04:19 like a gentleman may move in, he's doing it for convenience. 04:24 The girl, she's doing it because she's testing. 04:27 And then what the issue that rises up is, 04:29 "So, when are we getting married?" 04:31 He's like, "Um, soon, you know, baby." 04:35 And that's a setup it really is a huge setup. 04:38 Wow, thank you for that. 04:40 You know, that's very important for us 04:41 to understand the different reasons 04:43 and I appreciate that. 04:44 That's very good. 04:45 So, you know, those are the reasons, 04:47 why is it bad? 04:49 Yeah, I think it's bad because there is no commitment 04:52 that's being made. 04:53 I think that a person who co-habitats 04:55 or at least the norm seems to be, they are testing it out, 04:58 as Brittany said, they wanna see 04:59 if this thing is going to work. 05:01 But they are not really ready to commit. 05:03 I mean, if you're gonna go ahead 05:04 and live with somebody then I mean, in my estimation, 05:07 in my Christian opinion, you might as well marry them. 05:09 I mean, and make a commitment to be with that person. 05:12 Yeah, okay. I don't agree with it. 05:15 I mean, the Bible is clear, you know, when you get married 05:18 or that is for marriage leaving and cleaving. 05:21 Leaving your mother and your father's house, 05:23 you know, if you wanna go to your own house, fine, 05:25 but going to somebody else's house 05:27 or joining houses, if that happens, 05:28 you know, the Bible basically says, 05:29 when you get married. 05:31 I can speak from personal experience 05:34 not full on checking up. 05:36 But it's, it puts you in a sticky situation. 05:40 You know, especially, 05:41 if the relationship does not work out. 05:43 You know, when somebody is like, 05:45 leaving and they, you're used to having them 05:47 in the house all the time, 05:48 it's like losing a loved one, man. 05:51 It's like experiencing death when they have to leave. 05:53 You know, and also 05:54 that practice of practicing marriage, 05:57 you know, you begin to do things 05:58 that are marriage like. 06:00 You know, that may, that's when sex 06:01 becomes more acceptable. 06:02 You know, I mean, that means 06:04 that you got shower in the same house, 06:05 you know, you're seeing stuff that you probably, 06:07 normally wouldn't see. 06:08 Seeing them in the situation, 06:10 you probably you wouldn't see them in. 06:11 And so it kind of sets it up for during the situation, 06:12 plus if you don't, 06:14 if the relationship doesn't work out, 06:16 you've been pretty much opened your whole world 06:17 to this person, your whole private world. 06:20 And so I think it's a horrible idea. 06:21 Right. And, oh, Jeanne, you want to say? 06:23 Yeah, I was gonna say, just piggybacking of 06:26 what you're saying. 06:27 When you shack up, shack up? 06:29 When you co-habitate, when you play house 06:33 or whatever you wanna call it with someone, 06:35 you're opening up literally a part of yourself 06:39 that should be experienced only with just one person. 06:43 Can you imagine the kind of hurt 06:46 you'd be opening up yourself to if it does not work out? 06:49 And especially, if there's no commitment there, 06:51 it's like, why would you do that? 06:53 And then you can imagine doing that 06:55 like two or three times. 06:56 It's like two or three times, 06:57 your heart is literally going to be broken 06:59 and I mean, why would you even put yourself in the situation 07:02 like that to begin with. 07:03 Well, I mean, it's that, 07:05 we're saying it so that's the ideal, 07:08 but it's really not easy, you know, 07:09 when they're in relationship... 07:10 Let's talk about that. 07:12 Yeah, when you're in relationship with somebody, 07:13 you wanna be with them all the time. 07:14 You know, I can give you an experience, 07:16 I was away at school, and I was dating a young lady. 07:19 And I had my own place and she had her own place, 07:22 but I did most of the cooking 07:24 and so she would come over for food. 07:26 But she would end up staying, you know, 07:28 she was doing homework or something like that. 07:29 She would end up wanting to stay over, 07:30 you know, and it is just, 07:33 when you become comfortable in a relationship, 07:35 it kind of feels like the next natural thing 07:37 to do even if you're not ready for marriage. 07:39 And so I mean, it's not as easy, you know, 07:42 as we make it seem, you know, 07:43 it's actually easier to go into that shacking up mould. 07:47 Yeah. 07:49 Yeah, I mean, I could speak to that too happening, 07:50 you know, the same issue, having the same experiences, 07:52 I mean, it's just so much easier 07:54 to allow that person to stay over 07:56 and you kind of feel like you're sensitized to a point 07:58 where you kind of feel like, well, I mean, 08:00 I'm getting to know this person better, you know, 08:02 the more I stay with him, the more time I spend with him, 08:05 I know now what to expect in marriage. 08:07 But the truth of the matter is that really, 08:10 once you get married, 08:11 and once you make a commitment to somebody, 08:13 everything changes. 08:14 Before marriage and after marriage, 08:15 everything is changed, 08:17 even if you are co-habitating before. 08:19 And isn't that the common thing that people say, 08:21 "Well, this will help hinder divorces 08:24 because I wanna know 08:25 if I can live with this person?" 08:27 Yeah. 08:28 "So that's really a big thing when you married, 08:29 I wanna live with somebody, then I wanna test it out 08:31 and see if I can really, you know, take them." 08:33 Yeah, but the statistics doesn't support that. 08:36 They state that one-third of people 08:38 that co-habitate never make it to marriage. 08:40 Relationships usually last the most four years 08:43 and in out of the others one-third of them 08:45 actually end up getting divorce 08:47 and only one-third of them actually survive. 08:48 So you have like 33.3% chance of actually surviving. 08:51 Wow. 08:52 And even when you do survive, 08:54 they say your relationship is not as satisfying 08:57 as if you didn't do it before. 08:59 So even the stats speak for themselves 09:00 right there, wow. 09:02 I think that a lot of it boils down to selfishness, 09:04 you know, even when you wanna live with somebody 09:06 and you say, "Well, I just wanna see 09:08 if I can live with them, 09:09 or if we can get along, whatever." 09:11 Then we have this misconception about marriage where, 09:13 you know, I'm doing me and she's doing her, 09:15 but we're doing it at the same time 09:17 in the same place. 09:18 When you get married, you know, 09:19 this whole idea of leaving and cleaving is that 09:22 you're now starting a brand new culture, 09:24 it's a brand new home. 09:26 So, yes, so it's a whole new family. 09:28 And so you know, and marriage is so beautiful 09:30 because this, even if you don't agree on certain things, 09:33 you have to come to a consensus that, 09:35 that forms that new culture in your home. 09:37 "How am I gonna do things?" 09:38 But when you shack up, you can easily say, 09:39 "Well, you know what, this is not working for me, 09:42 I don't like the way this is, I'm gonna leave, so." 09:44 Yeah. 09:45 Yeah, I think Satan wants us, if I can say this, you know, 09:49 to co-habitate and to partake in sex before marriage, 09:53 so that we're having a less enjoyable experience 09:56 after marriage. 09:58 In other words, you know, I've heard a pastor say 09:59 that Satan wants us to have as much sex 10:01 before marriage so we're almost having none afterwards. 10:04 I mean, you know, after you continue to have sex 10:05 over and over again, there's no commitment. 10:07 Once you're finally married and with that person, 10:09 it doesn't have the excitement and then it's not as enjoyable 10:13 as it would be if you waited for the time and you said, 10:15 "Listen, honey, I'm committed to you, 10:17 with all my heart and with all my soul." 10:19 There are even statistics as Brittany said, you know, 10:21 to prove that sex is more enjoyable amongst people 10:25 who are committed to each other and they love each other 10:28 rather than people who're just having it casually. 10:29 Yeah. 10:31 I feel like we said this in another season 10:32 anything that says worth waiting for 10:34 is worth waiting for. 10:35 Yeah. 10:37 Because you know, Jesus, we have to wait for Him, right? 10:38 That's right. 10:40 We're waiting for Him to come and that's the ultimate best 10:41 so, you know, you have to be able to learn how to wait. 10:44 And like you said, it gets sweeter 10:45 and gets better as you begin to wait. 10:48 Jeanne, were you gonna add something to that? 10:49 No, no. I'll hold. Okay. 10:52 Okay, I think you know, and for me now 10:54 as a person who is about to get married, 10:57 the unfortunate reality for me, you know, 10:59 my fiancA(C)e outside of college, 11:02 she's living at her parents' house. 11:03 So when we get together 11:05 and we finally have our own home, 11:06 it's gonna be her first home. 11:08 for me, even though I've never been married 11:10 because I've had relationships that have, you know, 11:12 weren't full on shacking, but you know, people, 11:14 we spend time and people might have spent the night. 11:16 To me it feels like, 11:17 if I've already been married a few times, 11:19 you know what I'm saying, 11:20 and so my expectations are also different. 11:22 You know what I'm saying, 11:24 and now it's like this is my home 11:25 and I'm looking at it 11:26 in a completely different way than she is so. 11:28 All right, now let's talk about that. 11:30 I call that Adventist checking or co-habitation 11:33 where it's not really we actually got it, 11:35 I mean, they don't live with you, 11:37 they got their own apartment, their own place, 11:38 but maybe have a key, 11:40 or maybe they stay often, you know. 11:42 So I mean, let's be honest, I mean, I'm not assuming, 11:46 I wanna assume all of us have been in that situation, 11:48 but I'm sure many of us have been in the situation 11:50 where it's, kind of, like, 11:51 someone staying over right our house 11:53 and it's like, "Don't need to go home, like, 11:55 why don't you just stay here, stay over." 11:57 And what do you do in the situation, 11:59 especially, let's say if someone, 12:02 you don't see someone very often 12:04 or you're living around places that they come to visit, 12:05 are you really gonna buy, like pay for her hotel 12:07 while you're staying in your house, you know, 12:09 the practical things about it. 12:10 I mean, how, 12:12 what do you really do in that situation? 12:14 I think it can be very tricky like Korey said 12:18 because you're opening up your space to someone 12:22 who has not bought the house permit. 12:25 There's a reason 12:27 why when you go and buy a house. 12:28 They don't allow you to stay in the house first 12:31 and then you can pay later, you know. 12:34 The bank will ask for the money upfront 12:37 and then, you know, 12:39 you have committed to buy the house. 12:41 That's why you have to make sure 12:42 that the house is exactly what you want, 12:44 you know 'cause once our mortgage 12:46 and paperwork goes in, that's it, it's a wrap. 12:50 But somehow we think, we take more, I guess care, 12:54 buying things like cars and houses than we do 12:58 with something as precious 12:59 and as sacred as marriage, you know. 13:04 I mean, think about how much thought 13:06 you put into paying for getting a mortgage 13:09 like buying a house. 13:10 And then you're like, "Uh, I mean, I kind of like him, 13:13 I kind of like Josh, maybe we can, you know, 13:15 let's see how this thing works out." 13:16 You were so callous when it come to something 13:19 that's literally a lifetime commitment. 13:22 You know, and you probably won't even stay 13:24 in the same house for three or four years, you know. 13:28 But, yeah. 13:30 Sometimes you just gotta make the... 13:32 and this is just 13:33 sometimes you just gotta make the hard decision 13:35 and just stop. 13:36 You know, I was dating a young lady 13:37 and she lived on campus at the time, 13:40 but she would stay over every now and then. 13:42 And I'm gonna be real 13:43 that staying over let to other stuff, you know, 13:45 that probably would not have happened 13:47 had she had not be staying over. 13:48 And I maybe eventually the guilt getting to us, 13:50 you know. 13:52 Just feeling bad because we keep putting ourselves 13:53 in the situation 13:55 and so we both sat down and talked about it. 13:57 And I was like, "Listen, we're gonna have to stop, 13:59 like you cannot stay here at all." 14:01 And interestingly enough, you know, 14:03 shortly after making that decision, 14:05 it's as if the relationship, kind of began to fizzle away. 14:08 You know, where now the relationship 14:10 wasn't dependent on that time that we were spending together. 14:13 We started to see, you know, 14:15 the real issues that were being masked 14:17 because we were spending that kind of time together. 14:19 And we ended up ending the relationship, 14:21 you know, so sometimes you just got to kind of just, 14:23 you know, say, you know, I'm just gonna, 14:25 let's do what's right, you know, 14:26 and see what happens, 14:28 and trust that God will work you through that. 14:29 Yeah, because you get caught up in the whole, 14:31 like, playing house thing 14:32 and then the real issues don't ever surface or come out. 14:35 And your relation will be based on that shack up moment. 14:38 It'll be based on that cuddle, you know, on that, 14:41 you know, in the living room with the lights off together, 14:43 it'll be based on that. 14:45 You'll think that, that's what is really all about, yeah. 14:47 Yeah, I mean, there's a quote that says, 14:49 "Familiarity breed contempt," and I think that you know, 14:52 the longer you are in this type of co-habitation relationship 14:55 with somebody, 14:56 I think you actually begin to, you know, 14:58 hate them to a certain extent, 15:00 and not want them around as much, 15:01 and I've been in a similar experience 15:02 as Korey is talking about. 15:04 And the issue is when you have not committed to somebody, 15:08 when you have not said, listen, you know, 15:10 when you're co-habitating, 15:11 you don't have to sacrifice anything. 15:13 You don't necessarily have to give anything 15:14 to make the relationship work. 15:16 And after a while, you're just like, 15:17 "Why am I doing this? 15:19 What is this? Why is she here?" 15:20 Why is she here? What's going on here? 15:22 I'm not committed to you. 15:24 I don't have to, and especially when it comes to the point 15:26 where you are asked to give up something, 15:27 now you're just like, "I don't wanna give it up, 15:29 I mean, we're just 'shacking up', 15:31 we're not in a committed relationship." 15:32 Yeah, yeah, that's true. 15:34 And I think going back to practicality 15:35 of what you should do in the situation, 15:37 I mean, I do know as weird as it may sound to people, 15:40 I do know people, you know, 15:42 when their significant other comes in town, 15:43 they take out the extra bucks and they buy hotels 15:46 so that person can have, you know. 15:47 I have to do that. 15:49 Yeah, I mean, you know, that's just, 15:50 kind of something you have to consider doing 15:53 if you're trying to keep yourself, 15:54 and safeguard yourself from situations. 15:56 Because I mean, as much as you say 15:58 I'm strong, you know, I'm not gonna do it, 15:59 you go and sleep in your room, I'm sleeping in my room. 16:01 Okay, you know, that knock's gonna come on your door 16:04 and you're like, come on in, so you gotta make sure 16:07 you're in a faraway places, 16:09 you know, if you're in that situation. 16:11 So let's go a little further now 16:14 and ask the question of how long should you spend 16:18 with someone, okay, so if you are, I mean, 16:21 should you even enter someone's house, you know, 16:23 let's say, you know, I have an apartment, 16:25 and I'm gonna get my girlfriend come over, 16:26 should I, you know, 16:28 let's say it's nearly 3 o'clock in the afternoon. 16:29 Shall I let her come in? 16:31 And she's staying for two hours and leave 16:32 when no one's there 16:33 or should I never let her inside the door 16:35 because it's just the two of us, you know. 16:36 Well, if you haven't, I would say don't start. 16:39 Because just like John said, once you get in, you know, 16:41 sometimes you get in to that habit 16:43 and you start to ease up a little bit more, you know. 16:46 It's just four hours now. 16:47 It'll start with come over and watch a movie, you know. 16:50 We kind of set it up, because we know 16:51 what's gonna happen if you come over 16:52 to watch movie at 8 o'clock, the movie is gonna end at 10. 16:55 "I'm not trying to drive home." Yeah. 16:57 And then you'll have her to look at your house 16:59 because you don't want her to drive home by herself. 17:01 And so don't even put yourself in that situation. 17:04 You know, because once you, with anything else. 17:06 Once you give it a little bit of leeway, 17:08 it's gonna become more, more comfortable, 17:10 you're gonna start taking more, 17:11 "I'm just gonna take a little nap first, 17:13 I'll leave at 12 and then next day leaving at 2, 17:15 next day leaving at 6, and then next, you know, 17:17 she'll bring her work clothes to take a shower... 17:19 Lots of sharing. 17:20 Yeah, so just don't even start it 17:22 if you haven't started already. 17:24 Yeah, yeah. 17:25 And we get to know yourself too 17:26 and know your own triggers as well. 17:28 I mean I personally don't see anything that's, 17:30 you know, completely wrong with a girl, or a guy 17:32 coming over to the boyfriend or girlfriend's house 17:34 and watching a movie. 17:35 But I do think that there are certain times 17:37 at the night 17:38 when you should not be together alone. 17:40 I just don't see that. 17:42 If you're gonna be together then be in a public place. 17:43 But I mean, all of us are sexual beings, 17:46 I don't care who you are, where you come from, 17:47 God made us all sexual, we all have hormones, 17:49 we all have desires. 17:51 And late at night, guys, there's something, 17:53 something about late night... 17:54 Yeah. 17:56 Yes, the clock ticks at 12... 17:58 Twilight zone, everybody is sleeping, 18:00 you know what I mean, who I'm right now, 18:02 you know, know yourself and know your triggers. 18:04 But at the end of the day, I think, yeah, 18:05 there are certain times in the night where, 18:07 nobody should be together alone, 18:08 at least opposite sex. 18:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. I totally agree with John. 18:13 I think you have to know yourself 18:14 and know what your triggers are. 18:16 I don't, I wouldn't say that 18:17 you can't spend alone time at all 18:19 because how you're gonna know each other more 18:20 if you don't have any amount of alone time. 18:23 You have to know which places you can go to, 18:25 are you gonna having accountability partner 18:27 that says, "Okay, it's 11 o'clock, where are you? 18:30 It looks I didn't see, what's going on?" 18:31 Or even 'cause, it can be at 3 o'clock in the afternoon 18:34 and you're all alone and something can still happen. 18:36 So it's not about what time it's about. 18:39 Okay, do you have an accountability partner 18:41 that say, okay, at every 10 minutes call me 18:44 to make sure I'm keeping myself accountable 18:46 because I don't feel like I'm gonna be strong enough, 18:49 just in case, or even know, 18:51 okay, let's sit at the opposite sides of the table. 18:53 You're at that part of couch I'm on this side of couch. 18:55 But if you're saying alone time is, 18:57 you're gonna be all snuggly, and close together then... 18:59 We'll be. 19:04 Something, that I have no idea. 19:05 I think that raises the issue of boundaries. 19:07 You have to know and set good boundaries 19:11 and I think, going back to what Korey was saying about, 19:16 what was he saying? 19:17 Talking about some... 19:19 Who knows? 19:20 Who knows what was he talking about. 19:24 But boundaries are really, really important. 19:27 It's a matter of me saying, "Hey, I don't think that, 19:31 if I'm even coming over, 19:33 I don't think that we should do anything on the couch." 19:35 You know, even just sitting down 19:37 or if we are talking, 19:38 maybe we should talk at a table. 19:39 And, you know... 19:41 Yeah, I mean, but it does lend itself to communication. 19:46 Now I remember what Korey was saying. 19:48 Yeah. 19:49 Yeah, so when you are in a position 19:51 where someone is co-habiting or staying over and all, 19:56 you'll find that your physical relationship is used 20:01 as a mask to cover a lot of inconsistencies 20:04 that are not in your regular relationship. 20:07 Like instead of talking something that you're upset, 20:09 "Oh, baby, you're upset. Okay, come, give me a hug." 20:12 And that hug leads into something else. 20:14 You have it addressed 20:16 why you're upset in the first place, 20:18 but somehow you're upset makes someone else, 20:22 "Oh, she's crying, okay, let me wipe her tears, 20:24 let me be nice. 20:26 Okay, come lay down, your head is hurting." 20:28 Next thing you know, you know, 20:30 your clothes are off and something else is going on. 20:32 And yeah, mercy, really mercy... 20:34 Mercy Lord. 20:36 Yeah, and so it's boundaries, 20:38 it's about setting very strict boundaries. 20:41 They are not boundaries that can be shaken 20:43 but boundaries are very firm. 20:45 That kind of reminds me, in any relationship, 20:48 communicate, communicate, and communicate. 20:49 Communicate, yes. 20:51 Anyone who is in a relationship and not yet married, 20:52 communication is the heart of all relationship problems. 20:56 Communicate, when you first get with somebody, talk, 20:59 "This is what I expect, what do you expect?" 21:01 If you're in a situation 21:03 where you maybe shacking up now, 21:04 you may be feeling guilty about it, talk, 21:07 "This is how I'm starting to feel about it." 21:08 I think we should address this issue. 21:10 But you gotta communicate, communicate, communicate. 21:12 Yeah, and then we'll go to John, 21:14 but that's another thing we wanna talk about 21:15 cause what if you feel convicted you should stop, 21:18 the other person doesn't. 21:19 And they feel like you're saying not to is gonna hinder, 21:22 you know, it's gonna make them feel set up a way about, yeah. 21:25 Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. 21:27 I think whether or not a person accepts, 21:30 what you're saying is a good measurement 21:32 of what you need to be with that person or not. 21:34 If that person does not accept, you know, your good morals, 21:37 your good ethics, and clearly what's outlined in the Bible, 21:40 I don't wanna co-habitate anymore, you know, 21:42 I don't wanna sleep around anymore, I'm convicted, 21:44 and I want our relationship to be fruitful. 21:46 You know, I don't think you should come over. 21:48 If that person, you know, gets all out of sorts, 21:49 and they are getting angry, 21:51 and they are trying to convince you to, you know, 21:52 the other side, well, clearly, 21:54 I think that person may not be the best fit for you. 21:57 And I'm convinced now in my life that, you know, 22:00 there's a slogan I carry around with me, 22:02 and I tell all my young people back in my church. 22:04 You know, if a guy or a girl 22:06 does not give their heart to God, 22:07 they cannot give it to you. 22:09 Yeah. They cannot. 22:10 They don't really know what love is, 22:11 they don't know what commitment is, 22:13 they don't know how to really form a relationship. 22:14 Yeah, yeah. 22:16 Yeah, I think you have to be honest with yourself. 22:17 You won't be able to set any boundaries 22:19 if you don't think there's a problem, 22:20 if there's an issue. 22:22 So if you're in this ooh la-la-land where you think, 22:24 "Okay, I can go over and I can do x, y, and z 22:26 and nothing's gonna happen." 22:28 Then you're not being honest with yourself. 22:30 And I like what you're saying about this dependency, 22:33 it's a dependency issue. 22:34 If the guy or the girl is saying, 22:38 "Okay, I wanna end this off," and you're like, 22:40 "Oh, no, I wanna us to stay together." 22:43 And you're like, "Okay, let's just do it then. 22:44 We'll just stay together." 22:46 Why do you feel like 22:47 you have to continue to be with this person? 22:49 That sounds like you need to go to some counseling. 22:52 So you have mommy or daddy issue, 22:54 is there a something, is there a reason 22:56 why you feel that you can't live without this person, 22:58 that you can't stand up for yourself and say, 23:00 "I'm gonna do what's right for me, 23:02 I can't do this anymore, you have to go." 23:05 If you can't stand up for yourself, 23:07 what is preventing you from doing that? 23:09 What is that deep rooted issue that's stopping you? 23:12 Yeah, and I will say sometimes at my counseling, 23:15 I do think we all should go to good counseling. 23:17 I think everyone needs me in counseling, 23:19 my wife is a counselor, she must plug, 23:21 but anyway, but no, that really is a valid point 23:25 you're making. 23:26 And what you said John, a lot of times, 23:28 the people who are the most angry about it, 23:30 to be honest, is us guys, as men, you know, 23:32 we don't wheel like, 23:33 "What's happening here is great, no commitments, 23:36 this is awesome, there's cooking and cleaning, 23:38 this is awesome, don't mess this up now." 23:39 You know, some guys maybe mad that 23:41 as their significant other's watching this, 23:45 you know, but the reality is you have to stand up 23:48 for what is right and protect yourself 23:50 in the relationship you hope to have in the future 23:51 with this individual. 23:53 Yeah. 23:54 But I mean, going back to that, you know, they're upset 23:56 because they're just thinking about themselves. 24:00 It goes back to your selfishness, 24:03 "I want what is making me 24:05 feel good and convenient for me, 24:07 it doesn't matter what the other person wants." 24:10 And if you're in a relationship with someone like that, 24:12 then I wouldn't even say maybe I'd say that is 24:15 not the person for you, like unequivocally no, 24:18 that is not the kind of person that you want in your life. 24:21 You need someone in your life, every one of us deserves. 24:24 We don't just need, 24:26 we do deserve good people in our lives, 24:28 who raise us up, you know, 24:30 who help us be the best that we can be. 24:32 Now that's interesting. 24:34 Yeah, who have our best interests at heart, 24:35 that is someone who loves you, someone who can put their wants 24:39 and their preferences aside and make sure that you have, 24:42 you know, you can get whatever you want. 24:44 A sacrificial kind of love is what Christ is calling us to. 24:47 Yeah. 24:49 And if not they better call all tire up. 24:57 Right, you have to say that. 25:00 All right, well, that's good. 25:02 We could talk some more about this 25:03 but it makes sure and clears, no, 25:05 no sleeping in the same bed. 25:06 No, no. Not a good idea. 25:08 Not a good idea? Not even a good idea, no. 25:11 Not even with friends of the opposite sex. 25:13 Yes. Yeah. 25:14 I know people do that too. 25:15 Okay, so now that there are no coming late at night, 25:18 no late texts, okay, all right. 25:21 No friends with benefits. No friends with benefits. 25:22 No, no. 25:24 I mean, you know, in this stuff we've gone through it 25:25 but we know that, hey, at least to a bad place, 25:28 so, a warning. 25:29 All right, well, let's go on to rapid fire question, 25:31 are you guys ready? 25:32 I'll ask some questions. Answer them real quick. 25:35 All right, should the church talk more about sex? 25:38 How? Korey? 25:41 Yes, and as open and honestly as possible. 25:45 Okay. 25:46 Not just old people talking at about young people 25:49 but everybody in the conversation together. 25:52 Okay, John, same question. 25:54 Yes, I do think that, I think older folks 25:56 ought to talk more though. 25:58 I think one of the problems in our church is 25:59 that older folks do not, are not willing to share 26:02 some of the experiences that they went through. 26:03 And because of that young people don't know 26:05 the road that they're heading down. 26:07 I think older people can prepare them for 26:08 what they are about to get into. 26:10 Okay, tough question, Brittany, 26:11 do you think that men struggle more with sex than women do? 26:13 No, I don't think so. Okay, and why? 26:18 I can ask you only one question right? 26:19 Jeanne, what do you think? 26:21 I think that we're just as culpable 26:23 and just as vulnerable as men are. 26:25 Because like John said, we are sexual beings, 26:29 I don't care how high, or mighty, or how low, 26:31 or whatever you are, we are all sexual beings, 26:34 we all have those things wired to flare up. 26:38 You'll have to take a cold shower. 26:40 Yes. 26:41 Okay, here's the tough one, okay, 26:43 if you're practicing homosexual are 26:44 you gonna be able to enter into heaven? 26:47 Wow. Well, I will not say yes or no. 26:51 If you are practicing it's such a hard thing, man, 26:54 because just as John quotes or what the Bible really says, 26:57 you know, God is a process God is taking us to 27:01 and we as who, you know, we can't really say 27:03 that a person has not reached where he's supposed to be. 27:05 You know, there's some issues that we're gonna die with. 27:08 You know, that God may have to maybe use 27:10 and even to shape us. 27:12 So I can't say yes or no, 27:14 I would maybe think not but I don't think. 27:16 Okay, real quick, John, what do you think? 27:18 Yeah, I don't think we could say yay or nay, 27:19 but I can say this, 27:21 "I know when we get to heaven there will be people there 27:22 that we didn't think were gonna be there, 27:24 there gonna be people there, 27:25 there are not gonna be people there 27:26 that we thought would be there." 27:28 Mercy. That's a good one. 27:30 I like what you said there. 27:31 All right, well, we'll end with our Bible text here 27:33 in Genesis 2:24, famous text, 27:38 "This explains why man leaves his father and mother 27:40 and is joined to his wife in such a way 27:42 that the two become one person." 27:45 Let me tell you, being married, that's a beautiful thing 27:47 if we follow the word of God. 27:48 So thank you all for the discussion today, 27:50 it was great. 27:52 And remember those at home, no matter what you do 27:54 always remember to make pure choices. 27:56 God bless. |
Revised 2017-06-08