Participants: Joshua Nelson (Host), Brittany Hill-Morales, Kimberly Douglas, Kory Douglas, Xavier Morales
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000078A
|
00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:04 may be too candid for younger children. 00:39 Hello, and welcome to Pure Choices. 00:40 I'm your host, Pastor Joshua Nelson. 00:43 I'm so glad you decided to join us today. 00:45 The title for today's topic is Bad Marriage. 00:49 We're gonna talk about this. 00:51 It's very sensitive and touchy topic, 00:53 but we want to make sure we do it justice. 00:55 Let's just pause for a moment 00:57 to ask the Spirit to be with us. 01:00 Heavenly Father, we ask You would send Your Spirit 01:02 to guide us through this discussion, 01:04 in Jesus' name we pray, amen. 01:06 Amen. 01:07 All right, let's introduce the panel. 01:09 To my left, I have Kimberly Douglas, 01:13 and she is the wife of this man over here, 01:16 Pastor KP Douglas, 01:18 who is the husband of this lady over here. 01:21 All right, and then over here 01:23 we have Chaplain Xavier Morales, 01:27 who is the husband of this woman right here 01:30 who is Brittany Hill-Morales, 01:32 who is the wife of this man here, 01:34 so we're happy to have the married couples here. 01:37 And, of course, I'm Pastor Joshua Nelson, 01:39 my wife is the beautiful Kimberly Nelson. 01:41 And, unfortunately she's not here with us, 01:43 but we have a group of married people 01:46 on this set today. 01:48 And we're going to discuss this topic of bad marriage. 01:54 It's a serious topic because we're talking about 01:56 abusive relationships and marriage relationships 01:59 that turn bad or go wrong, but before we talk about 02:04 what abusive relationship looks like 02:06 or abusive marriage looks like, 02:08 can we first just kind of start talking about 02:09 what a good relationship looks like, 02:11 what a good marriage looks like 02:13 because I think that sometimes people have a bad view 02:17 of what a relationship should look like. 02:19 They don't know what a good marriage looks like 02:22 because maybe they've never seen it, 02:23 maybe their family didn't have a good marriage. 02:25 They never saw emulated. 02:27 And so, if we could just take a moment 02:29 from the couples, 02:30 and let's talk about what a good marriage... 02:31 'Cause I know that we were, you know, we're newly weds, 02:34 but let's talk about as much as we can, 02:36 so I'm gonna ask the Morales' to go first. 02:39 Okay, for me, I've been in bad relationships, 02:44 and how I knew Xavier was 02:46 and I had a healthy relationship 02:48 was this one question that each couple 02:50 that needs to ask themselves, 02:52 is this person helping me in my relationship with God? 02:55 Am I drawing closer to God, that even though 02:58 this person frustrates me, gets under my skin, 03:00 they say you want to strangle them, just joking, 03:04 but do I draw closer to God despite all of this, 03:08 doesn't make me want to pray for them 03:09 or doesn't make me want to be a better person. 03:13 How is that really factoring into your relationship. 03:15 If the person makes you not want to speak to God, 03:18 makes you trying to draw further and further away, 03:22 that's kind of what I would say is an indicator 03:23 of a healthy relationship. 03:25 Okay, all right. 03:26 I've actually been in a bad marriage before myself. 03:30 And healthy indicator of a good marriage 03:33 from what I've come to understand 03:34 and know is this person similar to what she said, 03:38 pushing closer towards Christ, you know, 03:41 in situations I've been in has always been, you know, 03:44 where it pulls me away. 03:46 And it doesn't edify me. Okay. 03:49 So one of the key factors, at least for me, 03:51 in my viewpoint is, is this person drawing you, 03:54 in spite of imperfections and everything, 03:55 is this person pushing you to get closer to Christ. 03:59 Yeah, and that's a good framework 04:00 to operate off of your relationship with God 04:03 because you don't want to lose your relationship with God 04:06 because of a relationship with a man or with a woman. 04:09 The Douglas', sorry y'all can't sit together but... 04:11 Ladies first. 04:12 I would say do you genuinely like the person. 04:18 Okay. 04:19 You know, in those times when it's not all happy-happy, 04:23 joy-joy, you know, 04:26 and things are little more calm, you know, 04:29 can you spend time just doing nothing, 04:32 enjoying each other's company. 04:34 Yeah. 04:35 And I think another indicator of a healthy marriage 04:39 is just being able to dig your knees in 04:42 when it's time to do the hard work 04:44 and stick around to do the hard work. 04:46 Okay, I like that. 04:47 I think, of course, good communication 04:49 is a, you know, is a good parameter 04:53 or good measure for healthy relationship, 04:55 good communication, and not just communication 04:58 when things are good, but are you able to communicate 05:01 even when things are not necessarily going bad, 05:03 I think that's definitely a marker. 05:05 I had another one in mind... Okay. 05:07 Well, I'm gonna ask you, you know, 05:08 maybe I'll say it hopefully, what my wife would say, 05:12 I think an indicator of good relationship is, 05:15 are you safe, do you feel safe. 05:18 If you feel safe to be yourself, safe to, 05:21 you know, share your problems, your issues, 05:23 or you're always kind of wondering 05:25 if that person is going to do something to me 05:27 based of what I say, what I do. 05:29 Can I share my feelings openly. 05:32 You know, a good relationship you're going to... 05:34 It's like a relationship with God, 05:35 you know, you're going to... 05:37 If you have open relationship with God, you know, 05:38 He loves you regardless, 05:40 it's a love that is everlasting. 05:43 What's that big word I'm looking for 05:44 no matter what you do, He'll still love you? 05:45 Unconditional love. Unconditional love, thank you. 05:48 You know, unconditional love, that's the kind of... 05:49 Huge word. Yeah, I know. 05:50 The kind of word, the kind of love you need to have 05:53 for your spouse, you know, 05:54 and that will make you feel safe, 05:56 but you're hiding, and you're, you know, 05:57 having to worry about what you say, you know, 06:00 that's not really indicator of a good relationship. 06:03 So you want to get going. 06:04 I think I remember, now I was also going to say that 06:06 even a certain amount of arguing or disagreement 06:08 may also be signs of a healthy relationship, 06:11 at least the willingness to argue through 06:14 or to disagree without being disagreeable. 06:18 It's also a healthy, you know, way to tell 06:21 when you're in a healthy relationship. 06:22 Let's talk about arguing a little bit, you know, 06:24 how should you argue? 06:27 Because I've argued in some crazy ways you could. 06:29 As monotone as possible, you know, well, with me, 06:33 you know, arguing with the understanding that, 06:35 you know, we're trying to come to a resolution 06:38 which sometimes I'm not gonna lie, sometimes, 06:40 you know, our arguments don't really start that way. 06:42 But at some point of argument I'm like, listen, you know, 06:46 we're really trying to come to a resolve. 06:48 You know, the point of this is not for me to be right, 06:50 you to be wrong or you to be right, me to be wrong. 06:54 The point is so that we can come to resolution, 06:56 you know, because we really just want to grow. 06:58 But sometimes, some of our most heated arguments 07:03 probably helped us the most honestly, so. 07:05 Yeah, and I mean it just depends on the couple, 07:07 I mean, you know, your answer as well. 07:09 I know for us, we've been working through this, 07:11 you know, still working through, 07:12 I'm sure we'll always be working through this, 07:13 trying to see how we best communicate. 07:15 You know, for me, I'm used to just going hard 07:18 like we just argue, that's just the way to do it, 07:20 I'm not trying to be, you know, 07:22 this is just getting, just get it all out, you know, 07:24 but my wife is more, you know, quiet-type, 07:25 she doesn't really like to conflict. 07:27 She wants to just, you know, let's just set aside 07:29 and just come back together. 07:31 I'm like no, we need to deal with this right now, you know, 07:33 let's do it now, but I've had to learn, 07:35 and I'm learning how to, you know, 07:38 change my way of things and allow her 07:39 to have sometime to just set aside 07:41 and just collect her thoughts, come together, 07:43 and not to be abusive because if I'm speaking over her 07:46 or talking down to her, it may be something 07:48 that's normal for me, but because of my wife, 07:50 how she perceives it, it's not normal to her, 07:53 and so to her, that would be an abuse. 07:55 I could resonate with that. 08:00 Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, arguments are something that, 08:03 like you said, we're going to have to do. 08:05 I mean if you want to call it heavy discussion, 08:08 you're not always gonna see things eye to eye, 08:10 but how you do it, so what about you, 08:11 what about you, Morales', some of the tips 08:13 you can give for arguing? 08:14 I think our premarital counselor 08:16 told us, what was it? 08:17 Soft, slow, and low or something like that. 08:21 Watching your tone and how you're communicating. 08:25 And I think that I've learned in my classes, 08:27 my family life classes was to also use I statements, 08:32 and say I feel this way when you do this 08:35 versus saying you were stupid, you were this, you were that... 08:38 Basically, focusing on what exactly was done, 08:41 and how it made you feel so that 08:43 your significant other can know exactly what's going on, 08:46 and they're less, I guess defensive 08:48 when you use I statements. 08:49 One time, we did entire argument 08:51 with I statement, and it was really nice. 08:56 Actually, it was. It was interesting. 08:58 We're actually learning. Yeah. 09:00 I was very confused by the whole end of it, 09:01 but I don't know whether I should be mad 09:04 or should be okay. 09:06 Right. Right, yeah. At the end, we were okay. 09:08 Yeah, and learning to listen to each other too, you know, 09:10 because I truly hear what you're saying, 09:12 you are hurt by this, this is how you feel, 09:15 you know, I have to validate your feelings, 09:16 and I even need to reflect back to what you're saying 09:19 'cause a lot of times when arguing 09:21 you're trying to think of your argument, 09:22 you're not listening to that person. 09:23 And I think if you listen to that person, 09:25 or forced to reflect back to them what they're saying, 09:27 sometimes you forget what your argument was, 09:29 you know, and so it forces you to really listen to them, 09:31 so that was good. 09:32 So let's transitioned in, if you're already transition 09:35 to talk about some signs of abuse, okay? 09:39 What are some things that if someone is in a relationship 09:41 right now, in a marriage relationship, 09:44 even dating relationship, and they are wondering 09:48 if what's going on in their relationship 09:49 is considered abuse. 09:51 We have six things we are going to give them, 09:54 as to these things are signs of abuse, 09:58 different types of abuse, okay, and I'm gonna have 10:00 Chaplain Xavier to go ahead with the first one. 10:02 The first one is physical abuse. 10:05 There is no need, and I know different cultures 10:07 do different things, but there is, even biblically, 10:11 there is no need to lay your hand on a woman 10:13 or vice versa for the woman to lay hand on the man. 10:17 Nowadays, we, and I work as a police chaplain, 10:21 and there's been a rise on women abusing men, 10:26 and men coming forward which doesn't make you 10:30 less of a man to do so. 10:31 You know, abuse is abuse, it doesn't matter 10:33 what the sex is, but however... 10:35 Let's all make that clear. 10:37 You can be abused if you are a man as well, 10:41 and it doesn't make you less of a man 10:42 if you admit to that or seek help 10:45 because nobody, you're saying should be hit or... 10:48 Yeah, physically abused. Exactly. 10:49 You know, 'cause it can escalate, 10:51 it can be something as a simple shove to, 10:54 I've seen cases where they shoot each other, 10:57 kill each other. 10:58 Wow. 11:00 It can escalate very, very, very quickly, and there again, 11:04 there is no reason for that if it gets to be that bad, 11:07 then you need to seek help immediately. 11:09 Yeah. 11:10 So is there a simple shove or just, you know, 11:13 someone out of anger, 11:15 just doing a light slap on their arm, 11:17 is that still abusive, and if it's, you know, 11:20 in the heat of the argument or something 11:21 that just happens once in a while? 11:23 It still, again, according to pretty much all 50 states, 11:29 the law is that when you are arguing like that, 11:32 and as in law enforcement, you know, 11:34 you know that when it's verbal, it's verbal. 11:36 Yeah. That's fine. 11:38 In the regards to the law, but when you automatically 11:41 put your hand on somebody, whether it be just, 11:44 I've seen in simple as a gash, it's not, you know, 11:47 that's against the law. 11:48 You do not need to put your hands on anybody. 11:50 Okay. 11:52 All right, that's pretty clear, so let's go to our next one 11:54 which is one that people often don't think about too much, 11:56 it's emotional. 11:58 Yeah, that's another huge one, emotional abuse, 12:01 and yet it's so hard to prove. 12:05 It goes into simple things like embarrassing 12:07 the other person in public, talking down to them, 12:12 spying on them, probably sending text messages 12:14 every two seconds, where are you, 12:16 what are you doing, why are you doing this, 12:18 probably just making the person even feel inadequate. 12:23 Those are all elements of emotional abuse, 12:25 and it's so much harder to prove and file a claim on, 12:28 but it does happen. 12:29 Okay, so if someone is... 12:31 You know, you are an emotional wreck 12:34 from being around your significant other, 12:38 you know, that is abuse. 12:40 Yeah, it's like you're feeling... 12:42 You don't feel happy, you don't feel safe, 12:45 you just feel depressed, those are all different elements 12:49 of you're probably with the wrong person. 12:51 Yeah. 12:52 Okay, let's go to our next one, that's mental. 12:57 Verbal. There's also verbal abuse. 13:00 This one I've kind of experienced myself 13:04 in a lot of ways really in relationships, 13:07 and I'm not gonna lie, maybe because of generational curses, 13:09 I may have been on the wrong side of that, 13:13 but verbal abuse is as serious as well. 13:14 You know, just talking down to a person, yelling at them, 13:16 always being loud. 13:18 I know I grew up in a situation where I've seen my mother, 13:22 you know, constantly being shouted at, you know, 13:25 and I mean all the time in some of 13:27 the weirdest situations and places, 13:29 I can't even really describe it, you know. 13:31 And honestly, I used to always say my mother 13:33 is like the most patient person I've ever met 13:36 because she really... 13:37 And I don't know if it was patience 13:38 or, you know, maybe just bad decision-making, 13:40 but she kind of put up with it anyway. 13:43 But, you know, verbal abuse is real serious, 13:45 and it's one of those things that 13:46 you can just mistake for arguing. 13:48 You know, but like we talked earlier, 13:49 arguing is a balance, it's more of a, 13:51 you know, healthy argument, 13:52 so communication process is a conversation, 13:55 even though it's a heated conversation, 13:57 but verbal abuse is more, you know, 13:58 not letting the other person talk, yelling at them, 14:01 using expletive words, or whatever the case is of. 14:03 Yeah, and, you know, in your relationship 14:06 you need to be clear on all these things, 14:08 on what level you're going to take this to. 14:09 I mean, you know, you need to understand 14:11 how to speak to someone in the general anyways, you know. 14:13 Something you shouldn't say at all, 14:15 but I know that culturally there are sometimes people, 14:16 you know, speak in different tones, 14:18 you know, in different ways. 14:19 But that's definitely a big one, the verbal abuse. 14:22 All right, now, mine is economic abuse. 14:26 You know, a lot of times people don't think about 14:28 this one either but if you have a situation 14:32 where, you know, you're in a situation 14:34 where, you know, you're not able to get 14:36 into your own bank account, you don't have your money, 14:40 your spouse is withholding the car from you, 14:42 you can't go where you want to go, you know, 14:45 they are tapping to your bank accounts. 14:47 You know, I've known situations where people have, 14:49 they have deleted bank accounts from individuals, you know, 14:51 taking their money, you know, called in, you know, 14:54 with their own information 'cause they know 14:56 all of the information, and act like they were them, 14:58 and took all their stuff, and just... 14:59 You know, that is abuse, you know, 15:00 you should be able to still operate 15:03 in some level of independence, you know, 15:05 even in marriage in terms of what you have 15:07 and what they have. 15:09 And so that's happening in your relationship 15:12 that is considered abuse. 15:13 And also another one is education, you know. 15:15 If they are stopping you from getting a higher education 15:17 or higher learning, you are being abused 15:21 because you should be able to, you know, 15:23 rise to whatever level you want to rise 15:25 and learn what you need to learn. 15:27 Or even if they hold their education over you. 15:29 Over you. Yeah, that's a good one. 15:30 Yeah, yeah. Okay. Let's go to another one. 15:32 So another one is mental abuse. 15:36 And it's quite similar to emotional abuse, 15:39 in that it's sometimes hard to detect 15:42 but if you find that you feel, 15:46 you're constantly feeling like the cause of 15:49 or the problem in a situation 15:53 and the person is constantly making you feel guilty, 15:57 that can be a sign of mental abuse. 16:00 Yeah, yeah. 16:01 And, you know, in these situations, again, 16:07 I would suggest, you know, 16:09 speaking to a trusted individual 16:11 whether it would be a pastor. 16:13 Because it's difficult, it can be difficult 16:16 I imagine to go through these different, you know, 16:20 types of abuse and be by yourself. 16:23 Sure, sure. 16:24 Yeah, I mean I know individuals who would play mind games on 16:27 with their wives or whatever 16:28 and they will just twist things around, 16:30 make them think they are going crazy. 16:31 And then the individual really thinks that, man, 16:33 they are the problem, they have a duty to fix this individual. 16:35 I mean, you know, and they get all twisted up and it's just, 16:38 you know, it's really sick because they are, you know, 16:41 they are playing with their emotions 16:43 but they're also playing with their mind, 16:44 and causing to think differently about themselves. 16:47 And it's going to affect them in every facet of their life, 16:50 you know, so it's just horrible. 16:51 And this last one actually is 16:54 another one that is really big which is sexual abuse. 16:57 And, you know, you'd oftentimes don't think of that either 16:59 because you think well, you know, 17:01 how can we really be abused sexually in your marriage, 17:04 you know. 17:06 But I believe and you all can challenge me on this. 17:08 I believe that you can be raped even in a marriage, you know, 17:12 if you're, you know, 17:14 doing something against someone's will. 17:15 If you have discussed, let's using protection 17:18 or contraception and you're not doing that. 17:20 If you're forcing your will upon somebody else, 17:22 you know, hitting them or making them do sexual acts 17:24 that they don't want to do or not comfortable doing. 17:27 These are all things that you need 17:29 to have a conversation about, 17:31 and ultimately like I said before, 17:32 you need to feel safe especially in the marriage bed, 17:35 all right. 17:36 So those are some things that, you know, 17:39 all of us can take into consideration. 17:40 Our viewers can look at in terms of 17:43 what is considered abuse. 17:46 Let's continue with this 17:48 and finding some type of solutions. 17:50 If you're in a situation like this, 17:52 what are some things that you would advice 17:54 or give hope to individuals who may be 17:56 in an abusive relationship? 17:58 Well, if... Go ahead, man. 18:01 Oh, well, of course, they're like, you know, 18:04 statistics show that it takes about seven times, 18:07 it takes about seven times 18:08 and they're still persisting that. 18:12 And the best thing, you know, 18:14 recommend for that situation if it... 18:16 In my case, I talked about physical abuse. 18:20 If it gets physical, you know, understanding that 18:22 there is shelters, there is even your own church, 18:26 you know, there is places you can go to, 18:28 there is resources available, Not to necessarily, you know, 18:33 hinder you or anything like that 18:35 but to help you to deal with it and overcome it 18:38 in whatever situation you may be 18:40 and there's a solution for it. 18:42 There is solution. 18:43 There is hope, there is hope. All right. 18:45 I think maybe one of the issues we're dealing with in society 18:48 is that abuse is really taken lightly, 18:52 probably because a lot people are being abused or abusers. 18:55 And so it's really not one of those problems 18:56 that we talk about. 18:58 Matter of fact is it's really a matter of just nowadays, 19:01 you know, I can just recall a famous football player, 19:06 you know, abused his wife and parents addressed it... 19:09 I've seen a parent address her child up as a guy, 19:13 you know, and let the child walk 19:15 with a doll in his hand and holding a doll by the hair. 19:18 You know, and that wasn't the only person, 19:20 there's actually a few people, you know, 19:22 post it online themselves dressed as this individual 19:24 abusing a doll as if to say it was, 19:27 you know, something funny. 19:28 You know, and I think that, you know, 19:30 you have to realize that abuse is a very serious thing. 19:34 You know, if I could just go a little bit further, 19:35 I was counseling a couple for marriage 19:38 and one of the things about abuse is that 19:39 it's also progressive. 19:41 So mental abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, 19:44 all these can and oftentimes will turn into physical abuse. 19:47 Right, right. 19:49 You know, I had a situation where I was counseling 19:50 and I noticed, it wasn't told to me 19:52 but I noticed there was verbal abuse. 19:54 And even in the counseling session, 19:55 I asked them about their parent's interaction 19:57 with each other, their interaction with their parents 19:58 and found out that in their family history 20:01 there was abuse. 20:02 You know, and so it was a red flag for me. 20:04 And I talked to them about it, I talked to them about it 20:06 until eventually I got a phone call 20:08 from the woman saying, you know, 20:09 he pushed me and broke a coffee table. 20:11 But I had already spoken to her about, you know, 20:14 what she should look out for, 20:15 I told her I had seen red flags. 20:17 But she, you know, obviously took it lightly 20:19 and it progressed to physical abuse. 20:22 So it's something you got to take very seriously, 20:24 if you see the signs you got to act. 20:26 Yeah, and I was going to add to that. 20:28 You know, I was thinking about this as well, 20:29 that someone may say or, you know, 20:31 usually I'm gonna say a woman is being abused 20:33 a lot of times, then you say I don't want to rock the boat, 20:34 I don't want to say anything, disturb anything, 20:36 I want to keep things how it is because, you know, 20:37 it's not too bad, I can handle it, you know. 20:39 But you may be able to think you'll handle it 20:42 but what about your children who are watching. 20:45 It's going to create another culture 20:46 within your family and generation to generation 20:48 they are going to get abused. 20:49 And so if nothing else, do it so that it will stop the cycle, 20:52 you know, speak out because it will stop the cycle. 20:55 If I can also add to that, sometimes we think that 20:58 abuse happens in isolation, 21:01 it will be just economic, say, or just physical. 21:06 Right. 21:07 Oftentimes, it's more than one type of abuse 21:11 happening at the same time. 21:14 And I think that for someone in the situation, 21:17 one of the hardest things is to first of all wrap your mind 21:20 around what's going on. 21:22 And then to get over that may be initial sense 21:26 of embarrassment like what might I've done 21:29 to cause this because oftentimes, 21:32 I know sometimes when there is an issue with us, 21:34 I look at okay, well, what did I do, 21:36 did I play a part in this. 21:38 But, you know, as we said abuse is very different 21:41 from an argument and so with something this serious, 21:46 it's not necessarily anything that you as an individual did. 21:50 The problem might not even be with you. 21:53 It might be the other person. Oh, yeah. 21:54 So taking those steps to seek help from somebody 21:58 who is trained in this area. 22:02 Yeah, and thank you for saying that 22:03 because please don't think that 22:04 you're the cause of abuse where you should take this. 22:06 No matter what you do that's bad, 22:08 you did not deserve to be abused. 22:10 Because think of it like this, if you're married to someone 22:12 and it's supposed to be a union like as if you're married 22:14 like in a marriage relationship, 22:16 it's supposed to be like your relation 22:18 with Jesus, you know. 22:20 They are supposed to be like Jesus to you. 22:21 The husband is supposed to be like 22:23 Jesus to the wife, you know. 22:24 And so, if you're in that type of relationship, 22:26 think about all the bad things we do to God. 22:29 And what does the Bible say? 22:30 While we were yet sinners, 22:32 He died for us, He showed us love. 22:34 So even in the worst situation, the one who is ultimate lover 22:37 shows that he doesn't abuse you 22:39 when you're bad, he actually loves you. 22:41 So there's nothing you shouldn't be able to do 22:43 in your relationship that should be like, oh, 22:44 I deserve to be abused, I deserve this. 22:46 No, if the person is truly sold out to Christ, 22:49 they will still love you and show love to you 22:51 inspite of how you act. 22:53 And one thing to remember is that a lot of times 22:56 people stay hoping they can change the person, 22:58 or pray that it goes away, you know. 23:01 Most of the time statistically, realistically shows 23:05 that a lot of the times, you know, 23:06 most of the time it doesn't. Yeah. 23:08 You know, unless you seek the proper help 23:10 that person needs or you need, you know, 23:12 these things progress very, very quickly. 23:16 And, you know, like I said 23:17 it's not just man against woman, you know, 23:20 predominantly it's men against woman 23:21 but there is also, you know, women against men. 23:23 Yeah. 23:24 And, you know, though both issues need 23:26 to be addressed, both sides need to be heard, 23:28 and both sides need to deal with the fact that, 23:30 you know, you need to find the proper resources 23:34 that are necessary and, you know, if it happens 23:37 to be a local church, then the pastor, you know, 23:39 needs to have the ability to refer, 23:43 make sure to act on it, don't let it get worst, 23:45 don't tell them to go home and pray about it. 23:46 Yeah. 23:48 Act on it, get the resources necessary 23:49 because this could go from something simple 23:52 to somebody dead very quickly. 23:54 Oh, sorry. 23:56 Well, I'm gonna say... Well, I was gonna say, 23:57 do we think then that if couples are being abused, 24:00 should they leave, you know, should the person leave, 24:02 is that what we're saying? 24:04 Or are we saying that they just seek help? 24:06 I mean, I don't want to say let's just pray, pray, 24:08 hoping it goes away. 24:10 You know, but I'm also thinking about those people 24:12 who may be mentally abusive, emotionally abusive, 24:15 who don't know they are abusive, 24:17 or I know like myself, 24:19 you know, I've been verbally abusive, you know. 24:21 And even, maybe early on when Kim and I first dated, 24:24 I'm pretty sure I was. 24:26 Not realizing that I was being like someone in my, you know, 24:29 in my family or somebody that kind of raised me. 24:32 I was exhibiting that same kind of behavior 24:34 and not knowing, 24:35 and that's something I had to confront and to face, 24:38 you know, in order to overcome it. 24:39 And so, I'm not saying we can change people or, 24:41 you know, you should stay to try to change somebody. 24:44 But, you know, the bottom line is you got to do something, 24:47 either say something. 24:49 Let the person know they are being abusive. 24:51 Let them know what will happen if it continues. 24:53 Let them know that we need to get up over this. 24:55 Yeah, I mean if you're in the early stages of abuse 24:58 that needs to be optimum but there needs to be, 25:00 you know, a communication when we're praying and seeking. 25:03 So if my wife sees something in me that I didn't know, 25:06 please tell me so I can stop this, you know. 25:08 But if you're getting badder though... 25:09 If it's later on, yeah, I mean if it's further down 25:13 and there may be some situations 25:14 where you need to actually separate yourself 25:16 from that individual. 25:17 You know, this is life and death. 25:18 You know, you need to, you know, 25:20 separate yourself at that time. 25:21 You gonna ask something, yeah. And what I was 25:23 actually going to say and Kory kind of touched on it. 25:26 All does not have to be lost in the situation, 25:32 especially as we're saying if it's caught 25:33 in the early stages and the person is brought 25:37 into confrontation with their actions. 25:40 Who knows what God is able to do with 25:43 that individual through proper therapy 25:45 and proper attention to the problem. 25:48 All does not have to be lost. 25:50 But, you know, there are circumstances 25:54 as well where just like you're saying that separation 25:57 might need to happen. 25:59 Okay, let me ask this last question 26:00 as we're going to our close. 26:01 If you saw somebody getting abused, 26:03 you know, today, what would you do? 26:05 What would you suggest that our viewers would do 26:07 if they see somebody getting abused? 26:09 I know as a working professional, 26:10 pastor and whatever you want to call that, 26:12 we kind of have the responsibility 26:13 of reporting certain things. 26:15 I was going to say earlier, I'm glad we went near there, 26:17 abuse is everybody's responsibility. 26:20 It's not just the responsibility of those 26:21 in the situation, but if you know 26:23 you have a family member being abused, 26:25 you need to let them know that. 26:26 Because who knows, maybe they don't know 26:28 what situation they are in, 26:29 and honestly you may be 26:31 you may be the difference between life and death. 26:34 You know, and so if you see something, 26:35 don't be afraid to say something, you know. 26:37 Yeah. 26:39 Someone else want to add to that? 26:40 I would add that we need to remember that 26:42 not every person that's being abused is strong. 26:45 There are strong women who will not let it happen 26:48 or strong men who'd probably be able to stop it 26:49 but there are some people 26:51 who actually are afraid and scared. 26:53 So if you have a friend that is afraid or scared, 26:57 then you need to not just tell them 26:58 they are being abused but provide a way out... 27:00 Right, right. 27:01 Encourage them, motivate them, let them know 27:03 it's going to be okay 'cause they may think, 27:05 oh, it's not going to get any better. 27:07 If I leave, the worst may happen, 27:08 so we need to encourage them to make the right decision 27:11 and provide that way out whether it's shelter. 27:13 I love that, yeah, and you have 27:14 to be careful sometimes too 'cause people can get 27:16 very defensive when you come to them. 27:17 But you have to make sure you let them know first, 27:19 I care about you. 27:20 This is something I have seen. 27:22 I'm just letting you know this because as a friend 27:24 I want to warn you, okay. 27:26 So we're going to end it here. 27:28 There is a lot more that you can be discussing 27:29 at home about this. 27:31 But please if you are facing abuse, 27:33 please make sure you do, take the necessary steps 27:37 and make sure you call 27:38 the National Domestic Violence Hotline 27:40 which is available 24/7. 27:42 The number is 1-800-799-SAFE. 27:45 That's 1-800-799-7233 27:49 and it should be up on the screen. 27:50 And make sure you get the necessary help 27:52 because at the end of the day whatever happens, 27:54 God loves you and He wants you to be safe. 27:57 Remember to make pure choices. God bless. |
Revised 2018-02-07