Pure Choices

Bad Marriage

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Joshua Nelson (Host), Brittany Hill-Morales, Kimberly Douglas, Kory Douglas, Xavier Morales


Series Code: PC

Program Code: PC000078A

00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned that some material
00:04 may be too candid for younger children.
00:39 Hello, and welcome to Pure Choices.
00:40 I'm your host, Pastor Joshua Nelson.
00:43 I'm so glad you decided to join us today.
00:45 The title for today's topic is Bad Marriage.
00:49 We're gonna talk about this.
00:51 It's very sensitive and touchy topic,
00:53 but we want to make sure we do it justice.
00:55 Let's just pause for a moment
00:57 to ask the Spirit to be with us.
01:00 Heavenly Father, we ask You would send Your Spirit
01:02 to guide us through this discussion,
01:04 in Jesus' name we pray, amen.
01:06 Amen.
01:07 All right, let's introduce the panel.
01:09 To my left, I have Kimberly Douglas,
01:13 and she is the wife of this man over here,
01:16 Pastor KP Douglas,
01:18 who is the husband of this lady over here.
01:21 All right, and then over here
01:23 we have Chaplain Xavier Morales,
01:27 who is the husband of this woman right here
01:30 who is Brittany Hill-Morales,
01:32 who is the wife of this man here,
01:34 so we're happy to have the married couples here.
01:37 And, of course, I'm Pastor Joshua Nelson,
01:39 my wife is the beautiful Kimberly Nelson.
01:41 And, unfortunately she's not here with us,
01:43 but we have a group of married people
01:46 on this set today.
01:48 And we're going to discuss this topic of bad marriage.
01:54 It's a serious topic because we're talking about
01:56 abusive relationships and marriage relationships
01:59 that turn bad or go wrong, but before we talk about
02:04 what abusive relationship looks like
02:06 or abusive marriage looks like,
02:08 can we first just kind of start talking about
02:09 what a good relationship looks like,
02:11 what a good marriage looks like
02:13 because I think that sometimes people have a bad view
02:17 of what a relationship should look like.
02:19 They don't know what a good marriage looks like
02:22 because maybe they've never seen it,
02:23 maybe their family didn't have a good marriage.
02:25 They never saw emulated.
02:27 And so, if we could just take a moment
02:29 from the couples,
02:30 and let's talk about what a good marriage...
02:31 'Cause I know that we were, you know, we're newly weds,
02:34 but let's talk about as much as we can,
02:36 so I'm gonna ask the Morales' to go first.
02:39 Okay, for me, I've been in bad relationships,
02:44 and how I knew Xavier was
02:46 and I had a healthy relationship
02:48 was this one question that each couple
02:50 that needs to ask themselves,
02:52 is this person helping me in my relationship with God?
02:55 Am I drawing closer to God, that even though
02:58 this person frustrates me, gets under my skin,
03:00 they say you want to strangle them, just joking,
03:04 but do I draw closer to God despite all of this,
03:08 doesn't make me want to pray for them
03:09 or doesn't make me want to be a better person.
03:13 How is that really factoring into your relationship.
03:15 If the person makes you not want to speak to God,
03:18 makes you trying to draw further and further away,
03:22 that's kind of what I would say is an indicator
03:23 of a healthy relationship.
03:25 Okay, all right.
03:26 I've actually been in a bad marriage before myself.
03:30 And healthy indicator of a good marriage
03:33 from what I've come to understand
03:34 and know is this person similar to what she said,
03:38 pushing closer towards Christ, you know,
03:41 in situations I've been in has always been, you know,
03:44 where it pulls me away.
03:46 And it doesn't edify me. Okay.
03:49 So one of the key factors, at least for me,
03:51 in my viewpoint is, is this person drawing you,
03:54 in spite of imperfections and everything,
03:55 is this person pushing you to get closer to Christ.
03:59 Yeah, and that's a good framework
04:00 to operate off of your relationship with God
04:03 because you don't want to lose your relationship with God
04:06 because of a relationship with a man or with a woman.
04:09 The Douglas', sorry y'all can't sit together but...
04:11 Ladies first.
04:12 I would say do you genuinely like the person.
04:18 Okay.
04:19 You know, in those times when it's not all happy-happy,
04:23 joy-joy, you know,
04:26 and things are little more calm, you know,
04:29 can you spend time just doing nothing,
04:32 enjoying each other's company.
04:34 Yeah.
04:35 And I think another indicator of a healthy marriage
04:39 is just being able to dig your knees in
04:42 when it's time to do the hard work
04:44 and stick around to do the hard work.
04:46 Okay, I like that.
04:47 I think, of course, good communication
04:49 is a, you know, is a good parameter
04:53 or good measure for healthy relationship,
04:55 good communication, and not just communication
04:58 when things are good, but are you able to communicate
05:01 even when things are not necessarily going bad,
05:03 I think that's definitely a marker.
05:05 I had another one in mind... Okay.
05:07 Well, I'm gonna ask you, you know,
05:08 maybe I'll say it hopefully, what my wife would say,
05:12 I think an indicator of good relationship is,
05:15 are you safe, do you feel safe.
05:18 If you feel safe to be yourself, safe to,
05:21 you know, share your problems, your issues,
05:23 or you're always kind of wondering
05:25 if that person is going to do something to me
05:27 based of what I say, what I do.
05:29 Can I share my feelings openly.
05:32 You know, a good relationship you're going to...
05:34 It's like a relationship with God,
05:35 you know, you're going to...
05:37 If you have open relationship with God, you know,
05:38 He loves you regardless,
05:40 it's a love that is everlasting.
05:43 What's that big word I'm looking for
05:44 no matter what you do, He'll still love you?
05:45 Unconditional love. Unconditional love, thank you.
05:48 You know, unconditional love, that's the kind of...
05:49 Huge word. Yeah, I know.
05:50 The kind of word, the kind of love you need to have
05:53 for your spouse, you know,
05:54 and that will make you feel safe,
05:56 but you're hiding, and you're, you know,
05:57 having to worry about what you say, you know,
06:00 that's not really indicator of a good relationship.
06:03 So you want to get going.
06:04 I think I remember, now I was also going to say that
06:06 even a certain amount of arguing or disagreement
06:08 may also be signs of a healthy relationship,
06:11 at least the willingness to argue through
06:14 or to disagree without being disagreeable.
06:18 It's also a healthy, you know, way to tell
06:21 when you're in a healthy relationship.
06:22 Let's talk about arguing a little bit, you know,
06:24 how should you argue?
06:27 Because I've argued in some crazy ways you could.
06:29 As monotone as possible, you know, well, with me,
06:33 you know, arguing with the understanding that,
06:35 you know, we're trying to come to a resolution
06:38 which sometimes I'm not gonna lie, sometimes,
06:40 you know, our arguments don't really start that way.
06:42 But at some point of argument I'm like, listen, you know,
06:46 we're really trying to come to a resolve.
06:48 You know, the point of this is not for me to be right,
06:50 you to be wrong or you to be right, me to be wrong.
06:54 The point is so that we can come to resolution,
06:56 you know, because we really just want to grow.
06:58 But sometimes, some of our most heated arguments
07:03 probably helped us the most honestly, so.
07:05 Yeah, and I mean it just depends on the couple,
07:07 I mean, you know, your answer as well.
07:09 I know for us, we've been working through this,
07:11 you know, still working through,
07:12 I'm sure we'll always be working through this,
07:13 trying to see how we best communicate.
07:15 You know, for me, I'm used to just going hard
07:18 like we just argue, that's just the way to do it,
07:20 I'm not trying to be, you know,
07:22 this is just getting, just get it all out, you know,
07:24 but my wife is more, you know, quiet-type,
07:25 she doesn't really like to conflict.
07:27 She wants to just, you know, let's just set aside
07:29 and just come back together.
07:31 I'm like no, we need to deal with this right now, you know,
07:33 let's do it now, but I've had to learn,
07:35 and I'm learning how to, you know,
07:38 change my way of things and allow her
07:39 to have sometime to just set aside
07:41 and just collect her thoughts, come together,
07:43 and not to be abusive because if I'm speaking over her
07:46 or talking down to her, it may be something
07:48 that's normal for me, but because of my wife,
07:50 how she perceives it, it's not normal to her,
07:53 and so to her, that would be an abuse.
07:55 I could resonate with that.
08:00 Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, arguments are something that,
08:03 like you said, we're going to have to do.
08:05 I mean if you want to call it heavy discussion,
08:08 you're not always gonna see things eye to eye,
08:10 but how you do it, so what about you,
08:11 what about you, Morales', some of the tips
08:13 you can give for arguing?
08:14 I think our premarital counselor
08:16 told us, what was it?
08:17 Soft, slow, and low or something like that.
08:21 Watching your tone and how you're communicating.
08:25 And I think that I've learned in my classes,
08:27 my family life classes was to also use I statements,
08:32 and say I feel this way when you do this
08:35 versus saying you were stupid, you were this, you were that...
08:38 Basically, focusing on what exactly was done,
08:41 and how it made you feel so that
08:43 your significant other can know exactly what's going on,
08:46 and they're less, I guess defensive
08:48 when you use I statements.
08:49 One time, we did entire argument
08:51 with I statement, and it was really nice.
08:56 Actually, it was. It was interesting.
08:58 We're actually learning. Yeah.
09:00 I was very confused by the whole end of it,
09:01 but I don't know whether I should be mad
09:04 or should be okay.
09:06 Right. Right, yeah. At the end, we were okay.
09:08 Yeah, and learning to listen to each other too, you know,
09:10 because I truly hear what you're saying,
09:12 you are hurt by this, this is how you feel,
09:15 you know, I have to validate your feelings,
09:16 and I even need to reflect back to what you're saying
09:19 'cause a lot of times when arguing
09:21 you're trying to think of your argument,
09:22 you're not listening to that person.
09:23 And I think if you listen to that person,
09:25 or forced to reflect back to them what they're saying,
09:27 sometimes you forget what your argument was,
09:29 you know, and so it forces you to really listen to them,
09:31 so that was good.
09:32 So let's transitioned in, if you're already transition
09:35 to talk about some signs of abuse, okay?
09:39 What are some things that if someone is in a relationship
09:41 right now, in a marriage relationship,
09:44 even dating relationship, and they are wondering
09:48 if what's going on in their relationship
09:49 is considered abuse.
09:51 We have six things we are going to give them,
09:54 as to these things are signs of abuse,
09:58 different types of abuse, okay, and I'm gonna have
10:00 Chaplain Xavier to go ahead with the first one.
10:02 The first one is physical abuse.
10:05 There is no need, and I know different cultures
10:07 do different things, but there is, even biblically,
10:11 there is no need to lay your hand on a woman
10:13 or vice versa for the woman to lay hand on the man.
10:17 Nowadays, we, and I work as a police chaplain,
10:21 and there's been a rise on women abusing men,
10:26 and men coming forward which doesn't make you
10:30 less of a man to do so.
10:31 You know, abuse is abuse, it doesn't matter
10:33 what the sex is, but however...
10:35 Let's all make that clear.
10:37 You can be abused if you are a man as well,
10:41 and it doesn't make you less of a man
10:42 if you admit to that or seek help
10:45 because nobody, you're saying should be hit or...
10:48 Yeah, physically abused. Exactly.
10:49 You know, 'cause it can escalate,
10:51 it can be something as a simple shove to,
10:54 I've seen cases where they shoot each other,
10:57 kill each other.
10:58 Wow.
11:00 It can escalate very, very, very quickly, and there again,
11:04 there is no reason for that if it gets to be that bad,
11:07 then you need to seek help immediately.
11:09 Yeah.
11:10 So is there a simple shove or just, you know,
11:13 someone out of anger,
11:15 just doing a light slap on their arm,
11:17 is that still abusive, and if it's, you know,
11:20 in the heat of the argument or something
11:21 that just happens once in a while?
11:23 It still, again, according to pretty much all 50 states,
11:29 the law is that when you are arguing like that,
11:32 and as in law enforcement, you know,
11:34 you know that when it's verbal, it's verbal.
11:36 Yeah. That's fine.
11:38 In the regards to the law, but when you automatically
11:41 put your hand on somebody, whether it be just,
11:44 I've seen in simple as a gash, it's not, you know,
11:47 that's against the law.
11:48 You do not need to put your hands on anybody.
11:50 Okay.
11:52 All right, that's pretty clear, so let's go to our next one
11:54 which is one that people often don't think about too much,
11:56 it's emotional.
11:58 Yeah, that's another huge one, emotional abuse,
12:01 and yet it's so hard to prove.
12:05 It goes into simple things like embarrassing
12:07 the other person in public, talking down to them,
12:12 spying on them, probably sending text messages
12:14 every two seconds, where are you,
12:16 what are you doing, why are you doing this,
12:18 probably just making the person even feel inadequate.
12:23 Those are all elements of emotional abuse,
12:25 and it's so much harder to prove and file a claim on,
12:28 but it does happen.
12:29 Okay, so if someone is...
12:31 You know, you are an emotional wreck
12:34 from being around your significant other,
12:38 you know, that is abuse.
12:40 Yeah, it's like you're feeling...
12:42 You don't feel happy, you don't feel safe,
12:45 you just feel depressed, those are all different elements
12:49 of you're probably with the wrong person.
12:51 Yeah.
12:52 Okay, let's go to our next one, that's mental.
12:57 Verbal. There's also verbal abuse.
13:00 This one I've kind of experienced myself
13:04 in a lot of ways really in relationships,
13:07 and I'm not gonna lie, maybe because of generational curses,
13:09 I may have been on the wrong side of that,
13:13 but verbal abuse is as serious as well.
13:14 You know, just talking down to a person, yelling at them,
13:16 always being loud.
13:18 I know I grew up in a situation where I've seen my mother,
13:22 you know, constantly being shouted at, you know,
13:25 and I mean all the time in some of
13:27 the weirdest situations and places,
13:29 I can't even really describe it, you know.
13:31 And honestly, I used to always say my mother
13:33 is like the most patient person I've ever met
13:36 because she really...
13:37 And I don't know if it was patience
13:38 or, you know, maybe just bad decision-making,
13:40 but she kind of put up with it anyway.
13:43 But, you know, verbal abuse is real serious,
13:45 and it's one of those things that
13:46 you can just mistake for arguing.
13:48 You know, but like we talked earlier,
13:49 arguing is a balance, it's more of a,
13:51 you know, healthy argument,
13:52 so communication process is a conversation,
13:55 even though it's a heated conversation,
13:57 but verbal abuse is more, you know,
13:58 not letting the other person talk, yelling at them,
14:01 using expletive words, or whatever the case is of.
14:03 Yeah, and, you know, in your relationship
14:06 you need to be clear on all these things,
14:08 on what level you're going to take this to.
14:09 I mean, you know, you need to understand
14:11 how to speak to someone in the general anyways, you know.
14:13 Something you shouldn't say at all,
14:15 but I know that culturally there are sometimes people,
14:16 you know, speak in different tones,
14:18 you know, in different ways.
14:19 But that's definitely a big one, the verbal abuse.
14:22 All right, now, mine is economic abuse.
14:26 You know, a lot of times people don't think about
14:28 this one either but if you have a situation
14:32 where, you know, you're in a situation
14:34 where, you know, you're not able to get
14:36 into your own bank account, you don't have your money,
14:40 your spouse is withholding the car from you,
14:42 you can't go where you want to go, you know,
14:45 they are tapping to your bank accounts.
14:47 You know, I've known situations where people have,
14:49 they have deleted bank accounts from individuals, you know,
14:51 taking their money, you know, called in, you know,
14:54 with their own information 'cause they know
14:56 all of the information, and act like they were them,
14:58 and took all their stuff, and just...
14:59 You know, that is abuse, you know,
15:00 you should be able to still operate
15:03 in some level of independence, you know,
15:05 even in marriage in terms of what you have
15:07 and what they have.
15:09 And so that's happening in your relationship
15:12 that is considered abuse.
15:13 And also another one is education, you know.
15:15 If they are stopping you from getting a higher education
15:17 or higher learning, you are being abused
15:21 because you should be able to, you know,
15:23 rise to whatever level you want to rise
15:25 and learn what you need to learn.
15:27 Or even if they hold their education over you.
15:29 Over you. Yeah, that's a good one.
15:30 Yeah, yeah. Okay. Let's go to another one.
15:32 So another one is mental abuse.
15:36 And it's quite similar to emotional abuse,
15:39 in that it's sometimes hard to detect
15:42 but if you find that you feel,
15:46 you're constantly feeling like the cause of
15:49 or the problem in a situation
15:53 and the person is constantly making you feel guilty,
15:57 that can be a sign of mental abuse.
16:00 Yeah, yeah.
16:01 And, you know, in these situations, again,
16:07 I would suggest, you know,
16:09 speaking to a trusted individual
16:11 whether it would be a pastor.
16:13 Because it's difficult, it can be difficult
16:16 I imagine to go through these different, you know,
16:20 types of abuse and be by yourself.
16:23 Sure, sure.
16:24 Yeah, I mean I know individuals who would play mind games on
16:27 with their wives or whatever
16:28 and they will just twist things around,
16:30 make them think they are going crazy.
16:31 And then the individual really thinks that, man,
16:33 they are the problem, they have a duty to fix this individual.
16:35 I mean, you know, and they get all twisted up and it's just,
16:38 you know, it's really sick because they are, you know,
16:41 they are playing with their emotions
16:43 but they're also playing with their mind,
16:44 and causing to think differently about themselves.
16:47 And it's going to affect them in every facet of their life,
16:50 you know, so it's just horrible.
16:51 And this last one actually is
16:54 another one that is really big which is sexual abuse.
16:57 And, you know, you'd oftentimes don't think of that either
16:59 because you think well, you know,
17:01 how can we really be abused sexually in your marriage,
17:04 you know.
17:06 But I believe and you all can challenge me on this.
17:08 I believe that you can be raped even in a marriage, you know,
17:12 if you're, you know,
17:14 doing something against someone's will.
17:15 If you have discussed, let's using protection
17:18 or contraception and you're not doing that.
17:20 If you're forcing your will upon somebody else,
17:22 you know, hitting them or making them do sexual acts
17:24 that they don't want to do or not comfortable doing.
17:27 These are all things that you need
17:29 to have a conversation about,
17:31 and ultimately like I said before,
17:32 you need to feel safe especially in the marriage bed,
17:35 all right.
17:36 So those are some things that, you know,
17:39 all of us can take into consideration.
17:40 Our viewers can look at in terms of
17:43 what is considered abuse.
17:46 Let's continue with this
17:48 and finding some type of solutions.
17:50 If you're in a situation like this,
17:52 what are some things that you would advice
17:54 or give hope to individuals who may be
17:56 in an abusive relationship?
17:58 Well, if... Go ahead, man.
18:01 Oh, well, of course, they're like, you know,
18:04 statistics show that it takes about seven times,
18:07 it takes about seven times
18:08 and they're still persisting that.
18:12 And the best thing, you know,
18:14 recommend for that situation if it...
18:16 In my case, I talked about physical abuse.
18:20 If it gets physical, you know, understanding that
18:22 there is shelters, there is even your own church,
18:26 you know, there is places you can go to,
18:28 there is resources available, Not to necessarily, you know,
18:33 hinder you or anything like that
18:35 but to help you to deal with it and overcome it
18:38 in whatever situation you may be
18:40 and there's a solution for it.
18:42 There is solution.
18:43 There is hope, there is hope. All right.
18:45 I think maybe one of the issues we're dealing with in society
18:48 is that abuse is really taken lightly,
18:52 probably because a lot people are being abused or abusers.
18:55 And so it's really not one of those problems
18:56 that we talk about.
18:58 Matter of fact is it's really a matter of just nowadays,
19:01 you know, I can just recall a famous football player,
19:06 you know, abused his wife and parents addressed it...
19:09 I've seen a parent address her child up as a guy,
19:13 you know, and let the child walk
19:15 with a doll in his hand and holding a doll by the hair.
19:18 You know, and that wasn't the only person,
19:20 there's actually a few people, you know,
19:22 post it online themselves dressed as this individual
19:24 abusing a doll as if to say it was,
19:27 you know, something funny.
19:28 You know, and I think that, you know,
19:30 you have to realize that abuse is a very serious thing.
19:34 You know, if I could just go a little bit further,
19:35 I was counseling a couple for marriage
19:38 and one of the things about abuse is that
19:39 it's also progressive.
19:41 So mental abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse,
19:44 all these can and oftentimes will turn into physical abuse.
19:47 Right, right.
19:49 You know, I had a situation where I was counseling
19:50 and I noticed, it wasn't told to me
19:52 but I noticed there was verbal abuse.
19:54 And even in the counseling session,
19:55 I asked them about their parent's interaction
19:57 with each other, their interaction with their parents
19:58 and found out that in their family history
20:01 there was abuse.
20:02 You know, and so it was a red flag for me.
20:04 And I talked to them about it, I talked to them about it
20:06 until eventually I got a phone call
20:08 from the woman saying, you know,
20:09 he pushed me and broke a coffee table.
20:11 But I had already spoken to her about, you know,
20:14 what she should look out for,
20:15 I told her I had seen red flags.
20:17 But she, you know, obviously took it lightly
20:19 and it progressed to physical abuse.
20:22 So it's something you got to take very seriously,
20:24 if you see the signs you got to act.
20:26 Yeah, and I was going to add to that.
20:28 You know, I was thinking about this as well,
20:29 that someone may say or, you know,
20:31 usually I'm gonna say a woman is being abused
20:33 a lot of times, then you say I don't want to rock the boat,
20:34 I don't want to say anything, disturb anything,
20:36 I want to keep things how it is because, you know,
20:37 it's not too bad, I can handle it, you know.
20:39 But you may be able to think you'll handle it
20:42 but what about your children who are watching.
20:45 It's going to create another culture
20:46 within your family and generation to generation
20:48 they are going to get abused.
20:49 And so if nothing else, do it so that it will stop the cycle,
20:52 you know, speak out because it will stop the cycle.
20:55 If I can also add to that, sometimes we think that
20:58 abuse happens in isolation,
21:01 it will be just economic, say, or just physical.
21:06 Right.
21:07 Oftentimes, it's more than one type of abuse
21:11 happening at the same time.
21:14 And I think that for someone in the situation,
21:17 one of the hardest things is to first of all wrap your mind
21:20 around what's going on.
21:22 And then to get over that may be initial sense
21:26 of embarrassment like what might I've done
21:29 to cause this because oftentimes,
21:32 I know sometimes when there is an issue with us,
21:34 I look at okay, well, what did I do,
21:36 did I play a part in this.
21:38 But, you know, as we said abuse is very different
21:41 from an argument and so with something this serious,
21:46 it's not necessarily anything that you as an individual did.
21:50 The problem might not even be with you.
21:53 It might be the other person. Oh, yeah.
21:54 So taking those steps to seek help from somebody
21:58 who is trained in this area.
22:02 Yeah, and thank you for saying that
22:03 because please don't think that
22:04 you're the cause of abuse where you should take this.
22:06 No matter what you do that's bad,
22:08 you did not deserve to be abused.
22:10 Because think of it like this, if you're married to someone
22:12 and it's supposed to be a union like as if you're married
22:14 like in a marriage relationship,
22:16 it's supposed to be like your relation
22:18 with Jesus, you know.
22:20 They are supposed to be like Jesus to you.
22:21 The husband is supposed to be like
22:23 Jesus to the wife, you know.
22:24 And so, if you're in that type of relationship,
22:26 think about all the bad things we do to God.
22:29 And what does the Bible say?
22:30 While we were yet sinners,
22:32 He died for us, He showed us love.
22:34 So even in the worst situation, the one who is ultimate lover
22:37 shows that he doesn't abuse you
22:39 when you're bad, he actually loves you.
22:41 So there's nothing you shouldn't be able to do
22:43 in your relationship that should be like, oh,
22:44 I deserve to be abused, I deserve this.
22:46 No, if the person is truly sold out to Christ,
22:49 they will still love you and show love to you
22:51 inspite of how you act.
22:53 And one thing to remember is that a lot of times
22:56 people stay hoping they can change the person,
22:58 or pray that it goes away, you know.
23:01 Most of the time statistically, realistically shows
23:05 that a lot of the times, you know,
23:06 most of the time it doesn't. Yeah.
23:08 You know, unless you seek the proper help
23:10 that person needs or you need, you know,
23:12 these things progress very, very quickly.
23:16 And, you know, like I said
23:17 it's not just man against woman, you know,
23:20 predominantly it's men against woman
23:21 but there is also, you know, women against men.
23:23 Yeah.
23:24 And, you know, though both issues need
23:26 to be addressed, both sides need to be heard,
23:28 and both sides need to deal with the fact that,
23:30 you know, you need to find the proper resources
23:34 that are necessary and, you know, if it happens
23:37 to be a local church, then the pastor, you know,
23:39 needs to have the ability to refer,
23:43 make sure to act on it, don't let it get worst,
23:45 don't tell them to go home and pray about it.
23:46 Yeah.
23:48 Act on it, get the resources necessary
23:49 because this could go from something simple
23:52 to somebody dead very quickly.
23:54 Oh, sorry.
23:56 Well, I'm gonna say... Well, I was gonna say,
23:57 do we think then that if couples are being abused,
24:00 should they leave, you know, should the person leave,
24:02 is that what we're saying?
24:04 Or are we saying that they just seek help?
24:06 I mean, I don't want to say let's just pray, pray,
24:08 hoping it goes away.
24:10 You know, but I'm also thinking about those people
24:12 who may be mentally abusive, emotionally abusive,
24:15 who don't know they are abusive,
24:17 or I know like myself,
24:19 you know, I've been verbally abusive, you know.
24:21 And even, maybe early on when Kim and I first dated,
24:24 I'm pretty sure I was.
24:26 Not realizing that I was being like someone in my, you know,
24:29 in my family or somebody that kind of raised me.
24:32 I was exhibiting that same kind of behavior
24:34 and not knowing,
24:35 and that's something I had to confront and to face,
24:38 you know, in order to overcome it.
24:39 And so, I'm not saying we can change people or,
24:41 you know, you should stay to try to change somebody.
24:44 But, you know, the bottom line is you got to do something,
24:47 either say something.
24:49 Let the person know they are being abusive.
24:51 Let them know what will happen if it continues.
24:53 Let them know that we need to get up over this.
24:55 Yeah, I mean if you're in the early stages of abuse
24:58 that needs to be optimum but there needs to be,
25:00 you know, a communication when we're praying and seeking.
25:03 So if my wife sees something in me that I didn't know,
25:06 please tell me so I can stop this, you know.
25:08 But if you're getting badder though...
25:09 If it's later on, yeah, I mean if it's further down
25:13 and there may be some situations
25:14 where you need to actually separate yourself
25:16 from that individual.
25:17 You know, this is life and death.
25:18 You know, you need to, you know,
25:20 separate yourself at that time.
25:21 You gonna ask something, yeah. And what I was
25:23 actually going to say and Kory kind of touched on it.
25:26 All does not have to be lost in the situation,
25:32 especially as we're saying if it's caught
25:33 in the early stages and the person is brought
25:37 into confrontation with their actions.
25:40 Who knows what God is able to do with
25:43 that individual through proper therapy
25:45 and proper attention to the problem.
25:48 All does not have to be lost.
25:50 But, you know, there are circumstances
25:54 as well where just like you're saying that separation
25:57 might need to happen.
25:59 Okay, let me ask this last question
26:00 as we're going to our close.
26:01 If you saw somebody getting abused,
26:03 you know, today, what would you do?
26:05 What would you suggest that our viewers would do
26:07 if they see somebody getting abused?
26:09 I know as a working professional,
26:10 pastor and whatever you want to call that,
26:12 we kind of have the responsibility
26:13 of reporting certain things.
26:15 I was going to say earlier, I'm glad we went near there,
26:17 abuse is everybody's responsibility.
26:20 It's not just the responsibility of those
26:21 in the situation, but if you know
26:23 you have a family member being abused,
26:25 you need to let them know that.
26:26 Because who knows, maybe they don't know
26:28 what situation they are in,
26:29 and honestly you may be
26:31 you may be the difference between life and death.
26:34 You know, and so if you see something,
26:35 don't be afraid to say something, you know.
26:37 Yeah.
26:39 Someone else want to add to that?
26:40 I would add that we need to remember that
26:42 not every person that's being abused is strong.
26:45 There are strong women who will not let it happen
26:48 or strong men who'd probably be able to stop it
26:49 but there are some people
26:51 who actually are afraid and scared.
26:53 So if you have a friend that is afraid or scared,
26:57 then you need to not just tell them
26:58 they are being abused but provide a way out...
27:00 Right, right.
27:01 Encourage them, motivate them, let them know
27:03 it's going to be okay 'cause they may think,
27:05 oh, it's not going to get any better.
27:07 If I leave, the worst may happen,
27:08 so we need to encourage them to make the right decision
27:11 and provide that way out whether it's shelter.
27:13 I love that, yeah, and you have
27:14 to be careful sometimes too 'cause people can get
27:16 very defensive when you come to them.
27:17 But you have to make sure you let them know first,
27:19 I care about you.
27:20 This is something I have seen.
27:22 I'm just letting you know this because as a friend
27:24 I want to warn you, okay.
27:26 So we're going to end it here.
27:28 There is a lot more that you can be discussing
27:29 at home about this.
27:31 But please if you are facing abuse,
27:33 please make sure you do, take the necessary steps
27:37 and make sure you call
27:38 the National Domestic Violence Hotline
27:40 which is available 24/7.
27:42 The number is 1-800-799-SAFE.
27:45 That's 1-800-799-7233
27:49 and it should be up on the screen.
27:50 And make sure you get the necessary help
27:52 because at the end of the day whatever happens,
27:54 God loves you and He wants you to be safe.
27:57 Remember to make pure choices. God bless.


Revised 2018-02-07