Participants: Joshua Nelson (Host), Brittany Hill-Morales, Kimberly Douglas, Kory Douglas, Xavier Morales
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000079A
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:05 may be too candid for younger children. 00:38 Hello and welcome to Pure Choices. 00:41 I'm your host Pastor Joshua Nelson. 00:42 I am so glad you decided to join us. 00:44 You are in for a good one today. 00:46 The topic is the old ball and chain. 00:49 Yes, we are talking about marriage 00:51 and really how some people think 00:53 their marriage is over 00:54 and if they should be able to get a divorce or not. 00:56 It's a hot topic, controversial topic, 00:58 but before we get into this topic, 01:00 let's go ahead and stop for a Word of prayer. 01:03 Heavenly Father God, 01:04 we truly need Your Spirit right now 01:06 to give us understanding, to help us figure out 01:08 the answers You have in Your Word, 01:10 give us Your Spirit now, in Jesus name we pray, amen. 01:14 All right, well, let's introduce our panel. 01:17 Once again, we have Brittany-Hill Morales. 01:19 Good to see you. 01:21 She is here, an intern pastor over in Barren Springs, 01:24 so happy to have her. 01:26 We also have Chaplain Xavier Morales, 01:29 and he is here as a chaplain and a rogue scholar. 01:33 So glad he is here. 01:35 And we also have another married couple, the Douglases. 01:38 We have Pastor K.P. Douglas and Kimberly Douglas as well. 01:43 And so we are so glad that they are here. 01:45 All of us very educated individuals, 01:48 we have interesting topic here to tackle. 01:52 We are talking about marriage, 01:54 but marriages that have gone a little bit wrong, 01:57 in the sense that the individuals 01:59 who are married don't want to be married anymore. 02:01 Yeah, of course, we've all heard the saying, 02:04 "Now I am chained down. 02:06 You know, I am locked down. 02:07 I got my old ball and chain, you know? 02:09 You know, nothing that I can do now. 02:11 It's like all my fun is over, you know?" 02:14 That's kind of mindset a lot of people 02:15 go to marriage thinking 02:18 and maybe some of us have maybe thought of that, 02:20 and hopefully, we have changed that thinking. 02:24 But there are definitely some real situations out there 02:27 some real people 02:28 who maybe even watching right now, 02:30 who have gone through 02:32 some various issues in their marriages 02:34 whether it is abuse, 02:36 whether it is some trials and tribulations 02:40 they didn't think they can get past, 02:42 some trauma that has happened. 02:43 Whatever case may be, there's something 02:45 that they may feel right now, 02:46 "Man, I just want to get out of this marriage. 02:48 I need to get separate. I need to get divorce." 02:52 And we are going to talk today, 02:54 of course, the title of the whole program 02:56 is Pure Choices, so what type of choice 02:58 would you make in that situation? 03:02 So let's talk in a minor sense about this. 03:06 If there is something going wrong 03:08 that you feel you did not plan for, 03:12 you feel that, "Wait a second, we are unequally yoked. 03:13 We shouldn't have even got married before. 03:15 I married the wrong person," 03:17 is there ever an allowance for you to get divorce? 03:23 Let's go right into it. 03:24 Based on the fact that you don't feel 03:26 you made the right decision. 03:27 Let's go with that one. I don't think so. 03:29 I don't think that God ever intended for divorce. 03:33 Then I guess that brings out the question of, 03:35 "Is there a right person to marry? 03:37 You know, is that that person or does God have 03:40 maybe a bunch of different people 03:42 you think is the right person, 03:44 you know, that may fit that bill?" 03:46 It's a lot of stuff, you know, to consider. 03:48 But I think that once you stand before God 03:51 and say to him, "I am going to spend 03:53 the rest of my life with this person," 03:54 then God holds you to that, 03:56 you know, that is a covenant that you have made with, 03:59 not just that person but before God. 04:02 And that the thing that, 04:03 you know, we tend to forget about God is that, 04:05 God honors covenants 04:08 when we make covenants with Him. 04:10 You know what I am saying? Yeah. 04:11 And so if we don't feel like 04:13 upholding our side of the covenant, 04:14 it doesn't mean 04:15 that God is not going to uphold the covenant, 04:17 you know, on His end. 04:18 And so that, you know, I don't know, 04:22 you know, is there a reason to, you know, is it permissible, 04:26 I mean, if the circumstances in my opinion call for it 04:29 and there is nothing you can do, 04:31 if somebody says, "I want to leave you," 04:32 you know, they give you no choice, 04:35 then what can you do? 04:37 You know, but I do believe that, 04:38 you know, if we believe that God is all powerful 04:40 that even situations 04:42 that He did not intend for us to be in, 04:44 I am pretty sure He can correct it. 04:46 Okay, so that was interesting that you say. 04:47 So well, if you are in a situation like this, 04:49 someone wants to leave you, what can you do? 04:51 You know, and that person just wants to leave you. 04:53 I am going to challenge that, you know, 04:54 is there something that you should do 04:56 as the person who is saying, 04:59 you know, I want to save this thing 05:00 even if you really, you know, think good riddance, you know. 05:03 But should you, you know, that whole thing of, 05:06 you know, your marriage is fireproof 05:07 or, you know, should you really fight for the marriage, 05:12 what are some things that you would say 05:13 to someone in the situation you just described? 05:17 What do you think? 05:18 I mean, for me, it's like have you taken the steps 05:20 to work at it, you know, 05:22 or are you just feeling the moment 05:24 that you don't feel like being in it. 05:26 I mean, I am sure at some point of time 05:27 everybody in their marriage 05:29 doesn't feel like being in the marriage, 05:31 you know? 05:32 And that's part of the sinful world we are living 05:34 but, you know, are you willing to work at it? 05:37 Are you willing to work even if it's not giant leaps, 05:40 if it is not going on a private vacation 05:42 or anything like that, but are you willing to, 05:44 you know, start from scratch again 05:46 and just really, you know, go back to the basics 05:48 and start fresh, you know. 05:50 And I think that's also a key that will make... 05:54 And I speak from my parents' experience, 05:57 you know, they went through a phase like that, 05:59 and by the grace of God, they're celebrating, 06:02 I think 38, 39 years this year. 06:04 Because they got to a point where it was just horrible. 06:08 And but then they decided, 06:10 you know, they are aware the good with the bad 06:12 and decided, "No, let's just work at it, 06:14 and let's start fresh, let's go back to the basics." 06:17 And, you know, from there it just 06:19 it took work, it took work. 06:22 But by the grace of God, you know, they're good now. 06:24 And I'm pretty sure that was extremely tough, 06:26 and so for anybody that, you know, 06:27 go against what your emotions are saying 06:30 and stick with the covenant that you've made. 06:32 I like what you say when you say it took work, 06:35 but by the grace of God, it was doable. 06:38 I think that in relationships, 06:42 how you start is how you finish. 06:44 You know what I'm saying? 06:45 The foundation you lay in the beginning of your marriage 06:47 will determine what you think, 06:51 you know, is it okay for divorce 06:52 or whether or not you think divorce is okay. 06:54 If I come into a marriage knowing that 06:55 this is ordained by God, 06:57 that I'm an imperfect person married 06:59 another imperfect person, that any mistake that I make, 07:03 you know what I'm saying, I have to show the same grace 07:04 that God shows, you know, 07:06 when things happen in our relationship. 07:07 If I know that I got to put this person 07:09 before the cross daily, 07:10 then I'm not sure there's anything, 07:12 you know, I can say all the stuff 07:14 that I want to say, I always say to Kim, 07:15 "You know, if you cheat, don't come home." 07:17 But the truth is, if she does something, 07:20 I can't tell you what I would do. 07:22 You know what I'm saying? 07:24 I would have to be by God's grace compelled 07:26 to love her anyway, you know. 07:28 And so I believe if you start with a foundation 07:30 that says God is the foundation. 07:33 I think it would be hard to get divorce. 07:35 You know, I think maybe one of the issues 07:36 that we may need to talk about... 07:37 We probably talked about before is that, 07:39 you know, we're coming with the wrong foundation. 07:42 If it's about feelings, about likes and dislikes, 07:45 likes and dislikes change every day. 07:47 I used to like wide leg jeans, 07:48 I don't know how I wore them, you know what I'm saying? 07:51 I see them on people now 07:52 and that absolutely drives me crazy, 07:54 you know, wide leg jeans. 07:56 You know, and I don't like them today. 07:58 You know, and what happens if I marry somebody 08:00 just based on what I like and don't like. 08:02 And, Kim, I want you to add some more to that 08:04 because you're talking about that little bit before 08:07 about your liking and your disliking. 08:10 You know, it's like Kory said, it's so transient. 08:14 One minute I like this, the next minute, I like that. 08:19 And it's a faulty foundation 08:23 just because of that constant changing. 08:25 And this was one of those topics 08:29 that it's so easy to talk about 08:32 when you're not in the situation, 08:35 but at the same time those principles that holds you 08:38 when you're not in the situation, 08:40 holds you when you are in it. 08:42 And one of those principles for me or for us 08:45 is that marriage is a salvation issue. 08:47 It is not something that God takes lightly. 08:51 It is not something that is to be toyed with, 08:56 and just to show you how serious it is, 08:59 I mean, think about grandparents 09:01 who are still married or parents 09:03 who are still married, they'll tell you, 09:06 "We have gone through some stuff. 09:09 But in order for you to see this great smile 09:11 and see us sitting, you know, 09:13 on our porch and rocking chairs now, 09:15 we had to stick it through." 09:18 And that's not based on how I feel today versus 09:23 how I'm going to feel tomorrow, you know, about my spouse. 09:27 Yeah, I mean, we don't take commitment 09:29 very seriously anymore, you know. 09:31 We do not... 09:32 It's all about what I feel, it's all about how I... 09:34 If I think it's okay... 09:36 You know, when God made Adam and Eve... 09:39 First of all, Eve came from Adam. 09:41 Eve was a part of him. 09:42 And so when you get married, you are reuniting once again, 09:46 this is supposed to be the reunification 09:48 of what is one flesh, you know. 09:50 And this is actually, if you look at it, you know, 09:52 really deep in Genesis, 09:53 it is completely in the image of God, you know. 09:55 So when this happens, it is a union that supposed 09:58 to really be an example to the universe 10:00 of what the trinity of God actually looks like, you know. 10:05 You, your wife, you know, and God, 10:08 you know, together is perfect union. 10:10 And so when you dismantle as you'd separate this, 10:12 it actually is a slap in God's face. 10:15 And I think if people took it more seriously they would... 10:19 Marriage more seriously 10:20 and realize divorce is not an option, 10:22 they maybe think a little more about that person, 10:24 the desire to that... 10:26 Or even the choices that they're making in the marriage. 10:27 Exactly, you know. 10:28 And I think that's why to the devil is so, 10:32 you know, after marriage because if I can destroy 10:36 what God's government looks like to everyday humans, 10:41 then there's nothing for them to aspire to. 10:44 Then this whole image that, 10:46 you know, God instituted or God set up is faulty, 10:50 it's false, it's filled with problems, 10:52 and it's just not as good as He says it is. 10:55 And so it makes sense that He should try 10:58 and destroy homes and destroy marriages 11:00 because that's how we relate, 11:03 you know, as closely as possible 11:04 to God's government. 11:06 I know Kory wants to... 11:07 Well, I kind of want to throw wrenches out there 11:10 'cause, you know, I'm not really throwing wrenches, 11:12 but I kind of want to throw them 11:13 and bring them back in. 11:15 I know there are arguments out there, 11:17 you know, Jesus talks about divorce, 11:19 Moses talks about divorce, 11:21 and we know there's a lot of pervading, 11:24 you know, thoughts out there, especially today 11:26 because divorce is so prevalent. 11:28 Right. You know, people say... 11:30 "What if we are unequally yoked, 11:32 you know, from the beginning?" 11:34 'cause technically, what we've been talking about 11:35 is marriage that has happened in the confines of being, 11:38 you know, on the same page, probably spiritually. 11:41 "So what if we're all unequally yoked, 11:42 you know, what if I'm not feeling it anymore..." 11:44 The person totally changed after they got married. 11:45 Yeah, "What if that the person 11:46 is not really panning out to what I thought they'd be 11:49 or what if they're not really, you know, 11:50 going after the same goals anymore," one of the cases. 11:52 "We're just not on the same page," 11:54 irreconcilable differences I guess 11:55 is the way that people categorize it. 11:58 And I know people say, "Well, you know, 11:59 maybe then you should be able to divorce." 12:01 And what I want to say to that is 12:04 if we will allow for divorce on the grounds of feelings 12:07 and irreconcilable differences, 12:11 then I think that, especially it's Christians, 12:13 especially if you are the person 12:14 who realizes that, you know, you're unequally... 12:17 Because you are more of a higher spiritual plane, 12:20 think that if you divorce for that reason 12:21 that you undermine the power of God. 12:23 I really do. 12:24 I think that when you're saying 12:26 is that there is no way in heaven 12:29 that this marriage can be saved, you know? 12:31 Yeah. 12:32 So is that even if it was the wrong person 12:35 that you think... I believe. 12:36 I believe so. 12:37 Kim, I need to get Brittany in here. 12:39 Okay, I'm sorry just to tag onto 12:41 what Kory was saying though, if you are the individual 12:44 who is spiritually stronger, 12:47 that simply means that you have more responsibility. 12:52 It doesn't mean that you leave quicker. 12:55 You know, because you realize what should be 12:59 and you made this covenant, this agreement, 13:02 and so your responsibility is in spite 13:05 of how this person might have seemed to you 13:07 and you got married and how things, you know, 13:10 might have changed now, 13:12 but your responsibility is to hold to that covenant. 13:16 I am going to say something to that. 13:17 First of all, Brittany, go ahead. 13:19 Okay, I was going to throw a semi wrench in 13:20 because so far we've been talking about 13:24 people being Christians, 13:26 and coming together, and being married. 13:28 And that's easy to be able to say, 13:31 "Okay, God brought you together, 13:32 so you need to stay together 13:34 because that's what God has ordained." 13:36 But what happens 13:37 when it's two Buddhist people that got married 13:40 and one converted into Christianity? 13:43 What happens when it's two Muslims 13:44 or even if it's a Muslim and a Buddhist? 13:46 Like we need to kind of... 13:48 Sometimes when it comes to church the topic of divorce, 13:51 we automatically assume that everybody 13:54 that went to the altar, if it really wasn't an altar, 13:56 it could have been a tree or a judge 13:59 that God was there ordaining the marriage, 14:03 when it could just have been two people 14:05 who just came together. 14:07 That's a big wrench. 14:11 Well, I mean, my thing is this. 14:12 I am just going to be, 14:14 you know, if we are Christians, 14:16 if we believe what the Bible says, 14:17 then I honestly don't believe that there's marriage outside 14:20 of marriage ordained by God. 14:23 And I do believe that even if you do not get married 14:25 in the confines of knowing God, 14:29 that because God is the one 14:30 who creates the union of marriage, 14:32 that He honors it when you take the vow 14:35 to spend your life with somebody. 14:36 Okay, and I can go with that, so I mean, and then ultimately, 14:39 the consummation of marriage, you know, 14:41 it's not just because we have somebody speaking over... 14:43 I'm saying Buddha didn't make it. 14:44 So Buddha can't really bless it, 14:45 that's what I'm saying. Right, right. 14:47 But I mean, you know, when two people decide 14:48 they're going to live the lives together 14:50 and, you know, monogamous relationship, 14:51 and they have sex, 14:52 you know, that's marriage, right? 14:54 And so... 14:55 But then what you're saying is that, 14:57 you know, a little further I guess is if down the road, 15:01 one becomes a Christian or, you know, 15:04 see things differently, and even if they're 15:07 both Christians, and once, you know, 15:08 they were in a different religion, 15:10 different denomination within the Christianity, 15:11 then what do you do? 15:13 You know, is it okay for me to leave 15:17 because it was under different premises, 15:20 pretenses I guess I should say that I was married? 15:23 Hold on Douglases. Morales, go ahead, man. 15:27 With that, again, me as a... 15:29 And I deal with this a lot in chaplaincy 15:31 of different people that believes different things. 15:34 I can't tell you this is what it is, 15:37 I can only provide suggestions. 15:38 When it comes to that, you know, 15:39 you need to come to an understanding 15:41 of each other where each other stand. 15:42 Again, the whole premise of marriage 15:44 is you've got to put in the work, 15:46 you can't just quit when the going gets tough. 15:48 It's like, you know, I work, I'm working my fulltime job, 15:53 you know, sometimes my boss gets on my nerves, 15:55 am I'm going to quit 15:57 if that's the only livelihood I have, you know? 15:59 We've taken marriage 16:01 and put it into a playground mode, 16:04 we are playing house. 16:05 "Today, I don't feel like playing house, 16:07 so I'm divorcing you." 16:08 You know, you have to really understand 16:10 that the covenant is sacred regardless 16:13 of whether you're a Christian or not, 16:14 it doesn't matter 'cause I see people 16:15 that are not Christians 16:17 that remain for many years, it's a covenant. 16:20 It's a covenant, the promise that, 16:21 you know, through thick, through marriage, 16:24 through health, through, you know, 16:26 until death do you apart, you know. 16:28 And yes, things were provided 16:29 or provisions were made in the Bible, 16:32 but it had to do mainly with the person now with God, 16:34 it had to do with the hardness of people's hearts. 16:36 So perhaps the issue is not, does God permit or not, 16:39 perhaps the issue is, 16:41 what do you need to do to softer your heart, 16:43 to come to an understanding 16:45 of where you stand and where you need to be. 16:46 Okay, let's talk about those permissions 16:50 because we do believe most people will say, 16:52 "Well, at least, I know this 16:54 if I can catch you cheating, I am out." 16:55 You know, that I have permission by God to be out, 16:58 you know. 16:59 Is that what we go with? 17:02 Brittany, go ahead. Okay. 17:04 Over here, it's hard to get noticed. 17:06 Okay, go ahead. 17:07 When I threw in the wrench is what I wanted us to do 17:09 was kind of broaden our horizons 17:11 because sometimes when people are coming 17:13 with the issue of the divorce, you want to say, 17:15 "God ordained this, God did this," 17:17 where they're looking at you, and you are like, 17:19 "No, He didn't. This is not what happened." 17:21 Let's broaden our horizon and focus on like 17:23 principles as in, 17:25 "Okay, you guys did make this commitment to each other. 17:28 Yes, God wasn't there then, 17:30 but can we do something now to make him hear now? 17:33 Can we work at it where you guys make 17:35 a new contract? 17:36 We knew your vows. 17:38 Are you guys willing to work at it?" 17:40 Present different ideas to them versus saying go back to 17:45 when you first began because like you said, 17:47 some people have faulty foundations, 17:49 and maybe at this point, it's time to think of, 17:52 "Okay, how are we going to rebuild this foundation? 17:54 Let's go to a marriage counselor." 17:56 I remember I was watching one of these shows, 17:59 and the guy was saying that 18:01 when he and his wife got married, 18:03 they were best friends, 18:04 but they were completely different people. 18:07 And they had to invest hundreds and hundreds, 18:10 maybe even thousands of dollars into marital counseling 18:13 so that they can be able to be who they are now 18:16 and that wonderful couple. 18:18 And like we say marriage is work, 18:20 so whether God was there at the beginning, 18:23 but if He's here now, if there is a possibility, 18:26 work at it to really figure out, 18:28 "Okay, what can we do 18:30 before you just throw in the towel?" 18:32 And is that even if one person doesn't want to do the work 18:36 and, you know, only you do? I think so. 18:37 Yes, because the principles learned 18:39 in marriage are transferable to other areas of life. 18:43 So it's not just for the marriage, 18:45 you're not just benefiting in the marriage 18:48 but also in other areas of life. 18:50 And so when you avert or go around, 18:54 you know, trying to learn these principles 18:57 or understand the principles, 18:59 you're now affecting other areas by default. 19:02 And that's what y'all are saying about principles 19:04 because if you are learning the principles 19:06 taught in the Bible, okay, 19:08 if you know those principles are the Holy Spirit, 19:10 if He's guiding you with your decision-making process, 19:13 He's going to lead you into all truth the Bible says. 19:16 And truth is not going to be outside of the Word of God, 19:20 you know, that's why He's given us the Bible. 19:22 You know, a lot of people can say, 19:23 "Well, the Holy Spirit told me to do this" 19:25 or "He's convicted me to do that." 19:26 Whoa, hold on a second, He's going to tell you to do 19:28 and then... 19:30 Yeah, it doesn't match up with principles of the Word of God. 19:32 Specifically, it still will line up. 19:35 It still will line up, you know. 19:36 And it had to be truly searching for what He... 19:38 And that's the thing, you have to search 19:39 for what the Spirit wants you to do, 19:42 not just what you want to do. 19:43 And a lot of us mixed up spiritual conviction 19:46 with the emotional choice, you know. 19:49 And so we move off when we feel 19:51 and we think, "Oh, it's the Spirit 19:53 because He wants me to be happy. 19:54 You know, He wants me to do this, you know." 19:56 But God is leading, you know, 19:57 our thoughts and His thoughts... 19:59 God has a way that to bring us to where He wants us to go. 20:01 And Xavier, go ahead. I think to... 20:03 I want to address, you know, those people that my sit there 20:05 and be like, "So God wants me to be in a loveless 20:07 or unhappy marriage, 20:08 so I'm just going to find a quick way out 20:10 because, you know, this is, I can't believe this." 20:12 You know, my take on that is, again, resources. 20:16 You know, if you're the only one fighting for that marriage, 20:18 you know, are you getting the resources that, 20:21 you know, are you getting the support as a church, 20:23 as your friends, whoever, 20:24 are you building that community around 20:27 because that's what we were made for community. 20:28 Do you have a community of supporters 20:30 that can help you through this not just again? 20:33 I am telling you, it's extremely hard 20:36 not to want to throw in the towel. 20:38 Nobody wants to work hard at anything anymore, 20:41 that's just life, you know. 20:42 We got easy access to everything. 20:44 We want information, we google it, you know. 20:46 We got easy access to everything 20:48 so why not easy access to a new relationship, 20:49 a new marriage, you know... 20:51 And that's what society teaches you. 20:52 Exactly, so it's a matter of, you know, 20:54 really getting those resources and using them. 20:58 And, you know, once you've exhausted of those resources, 21:00 then, you know, take it from there 21:02 but use the resources that you have available 21:04 and exhaust them to the fullest. 21:06 Okay, and let's please now move down. 21:08 Now you want to say some things. 21:09 You can say if you need to, but I want to transition us 21:11 to something that you all are doing. 21:14 You know, I'm going to use the resources I got, 21:16 I got some married couple right here, you know. 21:18 What are you all doing to fireproof your marriage, 21:20 to keep your marriage strong, and something you could add 21:22 for the viewers to start doing as well? 21:25 I'm going to answer by answering your question 21:27 before that about the divorce thing with Christ. 21:30 You know, sometimes we do say, 21:32 "If they cheat, I'm ready to go." 21:34 But I don't think that was the point 21:35 in when Moses wrote the law, 21:37 when Jesus, you know, confirms it. 21:38 I think what Jesus is saying, 21:40 "Listen, I would if you will allow me to fix things 21:44 but because the Lord allows for it." 21:46 You know what I'm saying? 21:47 Then I will step back, and allow you to make 21:50 that decision or that choice. 21:51 At end of the day is no matter what we say on this panel, 21:53 we can't stop you from getting divorce, 21:55 you know what I'm saying? 21:57 But we know that when we make that decision, 22:00 we know that God didn't want it to have, 22:03 you know what I'm saying, 22:04 even if we have legitimate reasons. 22:06 God would rather step into an impossible situation. 22:10 You know what I am saying? 22:12 And I think that in our, you know, marriage every day, 22:17 we got to kind of be very intentional about 22:19 allowing God to do that, not when it comes to a point 22:24 where there's no turning back but now, in the small argument, 22:28 you know what I'm saying, in the small problems, 22:30 in the should we spend 22:31 $50 on food or should I go 22:33 to something else, you know what I am saying 22:35 or how we're going to pay the bills. 22:37 You know, officially I won't paycheck. 22:39 You know, that's a matter of Jesus says 22:41 something's only by fasting and prayer. 22:43 So you wanted to do all practical ways 22:46 to keep yourself from even going on that road, 22:49 you know, keep God in it 22:50 from beginning to end in every decision, you know. 22:53 Amen. Amen. Morales family. 22:56 Oh, well, that is just, you know, again, 22:59 the aspect of you have to both work. 23:02 You have to both work. 23:04 And there's going to be days 23:05 that the other person going to work 23:06 a little harder than the other, you know, vice versa. 23:09 But, you know, you really have to analyze things, 23:12 you can't just make a decision based on emotion. 23:15 You know, the Bible says, 23:16 "The heart is desperately wicked." 23:18 You know, so it's not a matter, 23:19 you know, of saying today I'm married, 23:22 tomorrow I am not. 23:23 You know, with the way we work, 23:25 you know, it's just really talking about this 23:26 if we have a disagreement, 23:28 you know, maybe I'll go for a walk, 23:30 just to breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. 23:33 But then come back in, you know, 23:34 go back to the drawing board and say, "Okay, what can we do, 23:37 you know, to fix this or, you know, arrange that 23:40 or, you know, have a middle ground 23:41 where we can meet each other?" 23:43 But, again, putting the center and God into everything 23:47 because that's the brick and the mortar, 23:49 you know, you can't have a foundation 23:51 without any concrete. 23:53 Yeah. Yeah. You know what I like? 23:54 Earlier you said you don't quit your job 23:57 because, you know, it's your livelihood. 23:59 And I think if we viewed marriage 24:01 the way God does as something 24:03 that He gives us to give us life, 24:05 it is something that our life depends on, 24:07 I think we'd work a lot harder at it. 24:08 Yeah, I like that. That's powerful. I like that. 24:11 There's so many different tips, you know, that we can do. 24:12 I know for us, you know, me and my wife, 24:15 and we mentioned that before about the date night, 24:16 you know, keeping strict to that date night, you know. 24:19 We alternate who plans it, so it kind of makes it fun, 24:21 exciting, what can I think of this time for us to do, 24:24 you know, that's a big thing. 24:26 Communication, you know, making sure 24:27 that we spend that time and talking things out 24:29 and spending time together, you know. 24:31 Now that I travel a lot, 24:33 trying to make sure I bring her with me. 24:34 Unfortunately, she can't go with me on this trip. 24:36 But taking, you know, with me and doing things with her. 24:38 There are some things that I like to do, 24:41 you know, for example, I like to bowl, 24:42 you know, I like to golf, you know, 24:44 but now I have my own ball and my own shoes and stuff, 24:46 you know, but, you know, hey... 24:48 You know, I need to go out there 24:50 and maybe get her that as well and have her do it with me, 24:52 you know, because the stuff that I'm doing with my friends, 24:55 you know, you build all these relationship with your friends, 24:57 you spend time talking to them, 24:59 you know, the way I am talking with my wife, you know. 25:01 You know, and so being intentional about that. 25:05 You know, even with the intimacy aspect of it, 25:08 you know, being thoughtful of actually, 25:12 "Okay, I want sex but maybe my wife wants affection. 25:16 And so being attentive to her needs 25:18 and doing things she likes." 25:21 Also, the love language, 25:23 lot of people get mixed up with this 25:24 because they don't even know 25:26 what their spouse's love language is, 25:29 and they think, "Okay, you know, 25:31 I like receiving gifts, 25:32 I am going to give you bunch of gifts. 25:33 Now wait a second, you should accept, 25:35 you know, you should know that I love you." 25:36 But no, you know, 25:38 that person may need quality time, you know. 25:40 So you need to know not to be selfish, 25:43 you need to know what that individual needs. 25:45 And if you are looking at it in the in the perspective 25:48 we had just talked about marriage, 25:50 you're going to be more intentional 25:52 because you recognize God loves marriage, 25:55 and He doesn't want you to get divorced. 25:59 Sister Kim, yeah, go ahead. 26:02 One thing that I know we've done well, we did it. 26:04 Our marriage license is framed and on the wall in our bedroom. 26:11 Nice. To remind her that. 26:14 You have license to do this. It serves as a reminder... 26:17 No, honestly, it serves as a reminder. 26:21 And sometimes, you're just passing out just, 26:23 you know, be passing through the day 26:24 and I'll glance up at it, sometimes I smile like, 26:27 "Okay, yeah." 26:29 And then sometimes, 26:30 it's like I'm still in that stage 26:32 where I am, you know, it's still hitting me 26:34 that I'm married. Right, right, right. 26:36 So sometimes that's the response, 26:38 sometimes it could be after an argument, 26:41 and you know you're upset, and you glance at it 26:44 even though you really don't want to, 26:46 and it's a reminder, you know, of that decision that was made. 26:51 Right. Right. I like that. 26:52 I think to add more. Yeah. 26:54 I always remember that loveless doesn't mean hopeless. 26:57 And don't be exclusive with the spouse be inclusive, 27:02 meaning include each other 27:03 in each other's activities, you know. 27:05 If something that she likes that, you know, 27:06 you might not feel manly enough to do. 27:09 To simplify that you step forward 27:12 and say, "You know, I want to do this you." 27:14 She might say, "No, you don't have to." 27:15 And then you can, you know, say, "Okay." 27:17 But at least you made the effort 27:19 to want to be part of, 27:21 you know, together like my wife and I, 27:23 I included her in paint ball one day. 27:24 Yeah, we are going paint balling as a couple, 27:27 so be inclusive of it. 27:28 Okay. Well, that's good enough. 27:30 That will probably end us right there. 27:32 Some of you all thinking, "Man, these guys are newlyweds, 27:34 what they can say about this." 27:35 But the reality is, you know, I myself have dealt with, 27:39 struggling with, you know, 27:40 "Wow, I'm actually married now and having to really do things 27:42 to keep this marriage working," so please, take this seriously, 27:45 know that God loves marriage, He does not like divorce, 27:49 fight for your marriage as a man, as a woman, 27:51 you have to fight for it. 27:52 All right, God bless you. 27:54 At the end of the day, 27:56 always remember, make pure choices. 27:57 God bless. |
Revised 2018-04-26