Participants: Michael Carducci (Host), Julian Nash
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000105A
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:05 may be too candid for younger children. 00:40 Welcome back to Pure Choices. 00:42 My name is Michael Carducci, 00:44 and I'm with Coming Out Ministries. 00:45 Today, I have the honor of interviewing 00:48 a good friend of mine Julian Nash. 00:49 Welcome, Julian. Thanks, Mike. 00:51 It's good to be in this position 00:55 to actually hear your story, Julian. 00:58 You shared it with me, and what I'd really like to do 01:00 is just kind of help you to unpack that 01:02 for our listeners today. 01:04 Great. 01:05 You know, Julian, you look great. 01:07 You present as like somebody 01:08 that doesn't have a care in the world. 01:09 You know, you're a nice looking guy, 01:12 and you're successful at, 01:14 you know, communicating to people and things, 01:16 but I think a lot of people make a judgment 01:19 that you must not struggle with anything 01:21 when they take a look at you. 01:23 You know, it's interesting 01:24 because oftentimes we can put up a good facade 01:27 that there's nothing really going on with us, 01:28 nothing wrong, 01:30 that we're these perfect cookie-cutter Christians, 01:33 but that's actually not the case. 01:35 And God has brought me a long way... 01:37 He has. 01:38 It's, you know, at the tender age of three-years old, 01:41 I was adopted into a family 01:44 because God knew that I would struggle 01:46 with love and have issues, 01:47 so He adopted me into a loving family, 01:49 a Christian family, raised me with principles, 01:52 the Sabbath, the knowledge of the cross and the gospel. 01:56 All these things were so necessary 01:59 for what was to come. 02:01 So, Julian, if we could go back just a little bit more. 02:04 How was it that you were up for adoption? 02:07 Yeah, actually, I was in foster care. 02:09 My biological parents, 02:11 my biological mother was on crack, cocaine, 02:14 and they were heavily into drugs, 02:16 and they weren't willing to give those drugs up. 02:19 The state went in and took me. 02:21 And I was put into foster care. 02:23 And from birth, I was a crack-baby. 02:26 I was very stiff, and didn't have good coordination. 02:31 Doctors said that I would have learning disabilities 02:33 and issues later on in life. 02:35 And it looked to be that that was going to be the case, 02:38 very stiff, very distant 02:40 and difficult time with attaching, 02:43 and separation anxiety and the works. 02:47 Right, the diagnosis 02:48 is actually called detachment-disorder 02:51 where the baby doesn't really bond emotionally 02:54 to parents or to other things 02:56 because of the over-stimulus from the drugs. 02:58 So wow, even from the beginning, Julian, 03:01 it looked like, you know, you had some real struggles there. 03:04 So you were adopted, 03:05 but I think what's interesting is how you were adopted, 03:08 how was it that the family found you? 03:10 That's a good question. 03:12 The family of... The son of... 03:15 Who later became my brother, Jonathan, 03:16 would go to my mom and dad, 03:19 who became my mom and dad, and asked them for a brother. 03:23 And he just would constantly ask, 03:24 "I want a brother, I want a brother." 03:26 And they had been thinking about having another child, 03:29 but they really wanted to adopt 03:30 because of complications from having Jonathan. 03:32 And they happened to be watching a news broadcast, 03:36 and they were asking children in the foster-care 03:38 and in adoption agency, "What do you want for Christmas?" 03:42 It was around Christmas time. 03:44 And the mic came to me and they said, 03:46 "What do you want for Christmas?" 03:47 And I said, "I want a mother, a father, and a brother." 03:50 And God answered in the exact details, 03:53 each one of those things. 03:54 So tell me about your relationship 03:56 with your brother 03:57 because I think it was very special. 03:59 My brother and I, when we met, we connected right away. 04:01 We were just like two peas in a pod. 04:03 It was like Jonathan and David, we connected, 04:05 we were best friends from the start. 04:07 And then we couldn't... No one could separate us. 04:09 We were having so much fun. 04:10 And the day, 04:12 you know, when it was time to leave the foster-care home, 04:14 I remember just thinking, you know, "Where are we going? 04:17 What's going on?" 04:18 And looking out the back window of the car 04:20 and thinking, you know, "Where are we going? 04:23 Where are they taking us?" And... 04:25 Was that confusing to you? It was. 04:28 It was very confusing, very challenging. 04:30 I began to ask questions like, "What time is it? 04:34 When are we going to eat? Where are we going?" 04:36 And oftentimes, my parents and babysitters 04:41 would find me looking out the window, 04:43 gazing out the window, wondering where we were, 04:45 when my parents were coming to get me, 04:47 and always wanting protection and someone close by. 04:51 Sure, okay. 04:52 So as you're developing this relationship 04:54 with your brother Jonathan and your parents, 04:57 again, here you are, 04:59 you're given up for adoption, you're a crack-baby, 05:01 your mother was a crack addict herself, 05:05 which really in some respects was a very, 05:09 you know, positive gesture to think that 05:11 if I can't raise him at least, 05:12 you know, maybe someone else can. 05:14 But then to be adopted into this new family, 05:16 you've got this great brother, the one thing that you wanted. 05:19 And so growing up, how was that interrupted? 05:25 There was an unfortunate situation 05:27 that happened at a Pathfinder Camporee, 05:29 a camp... 05:30 Before we go over there, about your brother's health. 05:33 Yeah, my brother was diagnosed. 05:35 He was exposed to pesticides which damaged his liver so much 05:40 that he had to have his first liver transplant 05:42 at the age of... later on, at the age of 10. 05:45 And how old were you then? 05:46 I would have been eight years old at that time. 05:48 And that was right around the same time 05:49 that this unfortunate event 05:51 had taken place on this Pathfinder trip. 05:53 Okay, what happened at that Pathfinder trip? 05:56 We were, on a camporee, 05:58 just like any other Pathfinder trip, 05:59 and I was a little young for being in Pathfinders 06:03 actually at that age. 06:04 It shouldn't have been an adventure. 06:06 So tell us again, what age that was? 06:08 Usually, eight years old. 06:11 That was right around the age 06:12 where you were getting ready for Pathfinders itself, 06:15 but I was still too young there. 06:16 And the other Pathfinder guys, 06:18 I was in a tent with two other young men 06:20 that were of the ages of 15 and 16 roughly. 06:23 Okay, big age difference. 06:25 And so was there any supervision in your tent? 06:27 There was no supervision in the tent. 06:29 So what happened? 06:30 So that night, one of the guys had fallen asleep, 06:34 and the other one had just come close to me. 06:37 He began to hug me and caress me 06:39 and, you know, run his hand over my head. 06:41 And he was a much bigger guy than I was. 06:44 And he just began to molest me 06:48 and have sexual intercourse with me. 06:50 Wow, okay. 06:52 Against my will. All right. 06:53 And so what was your reaction to that? 06:55 Was that confusing for a little boy your age? 06:58 It was very confusing, and in a way, 07:02 it was something that I felt like I wanted, I needed. 07:08 The intimacy wasn't happening 07:10 because of the illness of my brother 07:11 being in the hospital 07:13 and my parents not really being able to invest that time 07:17 in that intimacy with me. 07:20 And so having this person just come and caress me 07:24 and hold me like that was comforting in a strange way. 07:29 You know, Proverbs 27:7 says that if you've had a full meal, 07:33 you don't desire dessert. 07:35 But to somebody who's starving, 07:36 even something bitter can taste sweet. 07:39 And so it makes sense that your brother's sick, 07:40 your parents don't have the emotional attention 07:44 that you need at that time 07:45 but, of course, you understand 07:47 that your brother needs that attention more. 07:48 But in that absence of what you needed, 07:52 it's interesting that this boy's attention to you, 07:55 even though it was brutal and a molestation, 08:01 it still, in some respects, had an element of pleasure to it. 08:04 Right. We understand that. 08:05 So was that the only time 08:08 that something like that happened for you? 08:10 You know, I think this was... No, it wasn't unfortunately. 08:13 There was another incident later on at a basketball game. 08:17 My best friend and my cousin, we were there, 08:20 and it was just a social basketball game, 08:24 we thought we were just going to come out 08:25 and get some exercise and have some fun. 08:27 And I had this chip on my shoulder 08:28 because of this event that had happened at an early age. 08:30 I thought I was really cool, I thought I was Mr. Kobe Bryant 08:35 and living in Los Angeles, I wanted to be like him. 08:37 So on the basketball court, I had an attitude, 08:40 and actually, there was a teacher of mine 08:43 who was in charge and supervising. 08:45 That time there was supervision. 08:47 And, you know, we thought we were in good hands 08:49 and we were playing basketball there, 08:51 and I walked off the court 08:53 because I was upset because there was a lot of rough play, 08:57 there was a lot of fouling, 08:58 and I wasn't doing well in the game. 09:01 I wasn't performing well. 09:03 And so I stepped off the court 09:04 and some words were exchanged to me in that, 09:07 "We don't need little girls on the court anyway 09:09 that are going to have a bad attitude, 09:12 a poor attitude, be a bad sport." 09:14 And it just so happened that my dad said 09:15 that I had to get a ride with him to go home. 09:18 And so he was our only ride to go home. 09:20 So your ride home 09:21 was with the person that was supervising. 09:22 That's correct. He was a... 09:25 He had a position in the church? 09:26 That's right. Of responsibility. 09:28 So quickly, what happened that night? 09:30 Yeah, that night, it was time to go, 09:32 and we were finishing up the game, 09:33 and I had just been beside myself, 09:35 and we were going out to the truck 09:36 and getting ready to get inside 09:40 and he comes at me and he tries to tell me, 09:42 he tries to talk to me, 09:44 and I just gave him the cold shoulder. 09:45 And he just took me by the neck and grabbed me 09:49 and started choking me really violently. 09:51 And, you know, I was shocked. 09:53 And my cousin and my best friend 09:55 were just frozen and shocked. 09:57 They didn't know what to do. 09:58 They were wanting to jump in and intervene 10:00 but they didn't know what to do. 10:02 They were afraid for themselves. 10:03 And it just so happened that one of the elders of the church 10:06 was actually leaving and came by and shone his light 10:09 and said, "Is everything all right? 10:11 Is everything going okay?" 10:12 And, you know, quickly, he put his arm around me 10:15 and then said, "No, everything's okay. 10:16 It's fine." 10:18 So why was it you weren't able to say, 10:20 "No, everything is not okay"? 10:22 You know, a part of it was, I think, the bondage of fear 10:26 but yet something inside of me was just so afraid 10:29 that if I contented him 10:32 that I was going to get hurt even further. 10:35 Okay, so now you have this violent situation 10:38 with a leader of the church, 10:40 you've been molested 10:41 also in a Pathfinder outing by older kids. 10:45 It seems that you've been set up now... 10:47 this thing of rejection and humiliation. 10:51 Has that been an issue, 10:52 you know, even in your later years? 10:55 It was. 10:57 You know, shortly after my brother passed, 11:00 and I began to... 11:03 So your brother passed? Yeah, he lost his fight. 11:06 He ended up having three liver transplants 11:09 by the time he passed away and it just shook our family. 11:12 And each of us grieved in different ways. 11:14 And we all had our own bouts with sadness and grieving. 11:20 And my particular challenge was in school and behavior. 11:24 I started listening to music, hip-hop particularly Tupac, 11:27 and wanted to be in that culture 11:29 and searching for identity 11:30 and searching for that friend, that mentor. 11:33 Many of them were bad influences unfortunately. 11:35 And I remember at seventh grade, 11:38 I had to repeat the seventh grade 11:40 because of just not really paying attention 11:42 to what was going on in the real world 11:45 and because I was grieving I believe. 11:47 Right, right. 11:48 Doesn't that make sense that if, 11:50 you know, your home life 11:51 is really a struggle and difficult, 11:53 here you've lost your brother, 11:54 the one relationship that you said was very good, 11:57 that you were bonded like Jonathan and David 12:00 and now all of a sudden, this intimate relationship, 12:02 even though it wasn't sexual, 12:04 but it was an intimate relationship for you, 12:05 now he's gone, more abandonment issues, 12:08 more feelings of rejection, 12:10 and so now trying to find yourself, 12:13 was there any other exposure to same-sex interaction 12:18 during your early years? 12:20 Yeah, my brother had a really good friend, 12:22 one of his best friends, and was coming over the house, 12:24 and we would have sleepovers. 12:27 And he began to show us 12:30 and teach us what masturbation was. 12:32 He actually, one night 12:33 he said I want to show you something and... 12:36 Who did he say this to? 12:38 He said it to me, and he preyed on me for some reason I think 12:43 because of just something he wanted to do. 12:47 He was really good friends with my brother, 12:48 not so much with myself. 12:50 But he isolated me and found me alone 12:53 and just began to make moves. 12:55 And he said I want to show you something I like to do. 12:58 And he began to masturbate in front of me 13:02 and then showed me how to do it. 13:04 And that began... 13:06 And this went on for a while, right? 13:08 This went on for several weeks 13:10 because it was during a break for school and my parents, 13:14 again, completely oblivious to anything 13:16 of this going on in the home. 13:18 I want to go back a little bit more 13:20 and then we want to move on to, 13:23 you know, some more struggles that you had earlier, 13:25 but you were 8 years old, the first time 13:28 that you were molested by this 16-year-old boy in the tent. 13:31 Two years later, 13:32 now your brother's really struggling 13:34 with the liver issue. 13:35 You're feeling isolated and alone, even in your world. 13:37 What happened again? 13:40 I went back to the first guy that molested me in that tent. 13:47 So he's now 18 and you're now 10. 13:49 Ten, that's correct. 13:51 And I went to him, 13:52 and I remember it was just so strange, 13:53 it was in church, and a lot of the guys 13:56 would hang out in the back bathroom in that church there. 13:59 And I remember going back 14:01 and not feeling like I was a part of this church. 14:04 And I went to him and I said, 14:06 you know, "Would you do that again?" 14:08 I was seeking for that intimacy, 14:09 that intimate moment, that closeness again, 14:13 and I asked him to have sexual intercourse with me again. 14:16 Right. 14:18 You know, I think what really breaks my heart, Julian, 14:21 is to think of that little child 14:22 who the only way he could feel valuable 14:25 or even to feel affirmed was to ask his perpetrator 14:30 to repeat the offence. 14:31 And I think that a lot of people understand that, 14:35 that have been molested 14:36 and have been abused or whatever. 14:38 So, Julian, that's some really hardcore damage 14:41 that happened to you early on. 14:42 So now, you know, as you become an adult, 14:45 you know, how dark did your walk get? 14:49 Yeah, after my brother passed, 14:52 I was invited to start doing Bible work. 14:55 And so I really was broken 14:58 and I didn't feel worthy of doing anything 15:01 in the realm of ministry at all. 15:03 And my pastor had actually asked me, 15:05 that same pastor that had appealed to my brother 15:07 and told him to give his life to the Lord on his deathbed. 15:10 And he did give his life to the Lord. 15:12 And I looked forward to seeing him, 15:14 but I didn't know how to really take my faith 15:17 and make it my own. 15:18 And so I was asked to spend a 10-week period 15:22 doing Bible work, 15:23 but I didn't have these issues resolved, 15:26 I had this baggage, 15:27 this sexual damage in my life, in my mind, 15:30 and I oftentimes dealt with forgiveness issues, 15:34 forgiveness particularly not only from people but from God. 15:37 I didn't understand the gospel, 15:38 I didn't understand the forgiveness of God 15:40 and the cross and His blood that was shed for me. 15:44 So I was out there doing ministry, 15:45 and going pottering and Bible work, 15:48 but wasn't really... 15:50 What was going on in your private life? 15:53 My private life, I was still playing video games, 15:55 still seeking that escape through masturbation, 15:58 and indulging in... 16:00 Any pornography during that? 16:01 Pornography was happening there, 16:02 I found a book in my home actually, 16:05 and began to look into that book 16:08 and was bringing pornography into the home, 16:11 and I remember, at that point in time, 16:14 I was going to high school shortly before the Bible work, 16:17 and I remember watching pornography for the first time 16:19 and committing in my heart 16:20 and saying that the first opportunity 16:23 I get to have sex with a girl, I'm going to take it. 16:25 So, Julian, what is so amazing to me 16:28 is that this is how insidious pornography is, 16:32 how pornography starts off with something 16:34 that you're viewing, 16:35 and then all of a sudden, 16:36 look at how quickly the drive to actually act it out 16:39 or to perform it out, 16:40 and I hear that story many times. 16:42 So now you have the pornography, 16:45 it leads you into acting out sexually. 16:47 Here you are by day being a good Bible worker, 16:50 but at night, how dark did things really get for you? 16:53 It got... 16:54 You know, to the point, where I was willing 16:56 to just seek out this pleasure at any cost. 17:00 And when I say any cost, 17:01 I was being paid to do the work of a Bible worker, 17:06 making honest money for the Lord 17:10 as a Bible co-coordinator. 17:12 But then I was, at night, 17:14 looking and seeing where I could get that pleasure, 17:17 get that intimacy, and I found a site 17:20 where people were soliciting themselves as prostitutes. 17:24 And I went really low, I remember seeing that site 17:29 and contacting individuals 17:31 on a regular basis to pay them for sex. 17:34 Prostitution? 17:36 And what were some of the categories 17:38 that you found interesting? 17:39 Some of the things that were interesting to me 17:42 were the transgender sex, 17:46 and then there was also just women, 17:48 and there was male. 17:50 Mostly, it was just between the two, 17:52 the women and the transgender. 17:53 And then there was one category 17:56 where there was a dominatrix and... 17:58 So that's sadomasochism? That's right. 18:01 Humiliation. Okay. 18:03 A bondage type situation where... 18:05 I think it's interesting to put together the humiliation 18:07 that began that night in the tent, 18:10 and maybe it began with the rejection 18:11 of your birth mother, 18:13 you know, the fact that you lost 18:15 this intimate relationship with your brother, 18:17 you know, he was someone that was close to you. 18:18 And so I get it that physical touch can resemble intimacy 18:23 and maybe it would... 18:25 Maybe would satisfy for the moment, 18:27 but I also believe that that was the driving force, 18:30 coming from sexual addiction myself, 18:32 that every innocuous encounter was again 18:35 some type of satisfaction to a very painful reality. 18:39 And so describe that. Yeah, it was, you know... 18:43 I think back a little bit how I even went 18:45 and tried to hug the person 18:48 that physically hurt me and choked me 18:51 and thinking something is psychologically not right here, 18:53 and in this incident, I met someone 18:58 who was practicing dominatrix prostitution and... 19:02 This turned into a relationship, right? 19:03 This did. 19:04 It actually developed into an ongoing relationship 19:07 where I wasn't paying 19:08 and I would actually just go to hang out with this person, 19:11 and they were so controlling. 19:13 You know, making me kiss their feet, a lot of whipping, 19:16 and a lot of hitting and just very, very damaging. 19:21 So it was not just physical abuse 19:23 but also emotional and verbal humiliation? 19:26 That's correct. So what was the bottom-line? 19:30 What was it when you realized 19:33 that you really reached the bottom? 19:36 You know, I think when I realized is just that, 19:41 it really started with someone coming to me and telling me, 19:45 you know, "Is everything all right?" 19:47 And they actually told my employer at the time 19:51 that they started noticing some crumb trails. 19:54 Okay, so what I really want to get to was the situation 20:00 where you're in a relationship now with this dominatrix. 20:04 That's right, okay, going back to that. 20:06 You know, she had told me, we were having intercourse, 20:10 one incident, and she actually had said that... 20:13 She looked you in the eye? 20:14 She looked me in the eyes, and she said, 20:16 you know, "How do you enjoy having sex with the devil?" 20:20 And it just shook me. I panicked. 20:24 We stopped, and I said, "No, you're not the devil. 20:26 No, there's no way." 20:28 And I tried at that moment to try to connect and tell her, 20:31 you know, that you're a child of God. 20:33 But, you know, you can't do that 20:34 after you've been leading a life 20:37 that was actually soliciting her behavior. 20:40 Right. 20:41 So with your reaction, 20:44 now you hear these words about being engaged with the devil 20:48 which was probably, 20:49 you know, a reminder of all of the religion 20:52 that you were, you know, walking with, 20:54 throughout your life. 20:56 Now all of a sudden, 20:57 the reality that you're having sex with the devil. 20:59 How did that change? 21:01 We're going to wrap this up, 21:03 you know, just we want to talk 21:04 about how it was that you got out? 21:06 Yeah, you know, I took it upon myself. 21:09 You know, I was making these choices, 21:11 and that really woke me up. 21:12 I got very afraid from that incident. 21:14 And I knew the only way 21:16 that I could get away from this situation 21:18 is if I had left and quit my job 21:21 and stopped living this double life. 21:22 I was really engrossed, 21:24 I wasn't being honest with this problem that I had. 21:27 So I went to my employer and I told him, it was so hard, 21:30 it was one of the hardest things I could ever do 21:32 and just told him that I was leading a life of sexual sin 21:36 and still trying to serve the Lord. 21:38 I like that because one of the things 21:40 that we find in recovery is that disclosure, 21:44 you know the Bible says to talk 21:46 about your faults with one another. 21:48 And so I believe that that was powerful 21:50 because you broke the chains of the enemy 21:52 by not keeping a secret with Satan. 21:55 That's right. That makes sense. 21:56 So you knew that you didn't have the power on your own. 21:59 But how was it? 22:00 Incorporate the Holy Spirit now, 22:01 how was He speaking to you? 22:03 What was He providing for you 22:05 to help you in this journey out? 22:07 One of the main things was leaving 22:10 and going to the country, 22:11 getting away and beginning to work. 22:14 And while I was in the wilderness, 22:16 I went to a small farm, 22:17 I talked to a good friend of mine. 22:20 And he said, 22:21 you know, you didn't make these decisions overnight. 22:24 These were a pattern of a long life of bad choices 22:28 and instability of character. 22:30 And you need to learn to work hard. 22:31 And agriculture will really bring that about. 22:33 Getting in God's nature, 22:35 getting connected to what God created for you to do. 22:39 And so I left, I remember driving 32 hours, 22:43 leaving Arizona... 22:44 leaving Seattle, going down to Arizona. 22:46 So what does getting your hands in the dirt 22:49 have to do with a relationship with God? 22:51 You know, it has so much to do. 22:53 We get back to what God originally created us to do, 22:56 and that was tend the garden, and you're thinking Genesis 23:00 how God took man and put him eastward in Eden 23:03 to tend the garden. 23:05 But even there was a work for man to do before he fell, 23:07 but then after the fall, 23:09 he cursed the ground for his sake. 23:12 And that is such a miracle that God had that in mind. 23:14 Make it personal for me, Julian. 23:16 Make it personal for the people out there that are desperate 23:19 to want to come out of the same existence 23:21 that you had. 23:22 How did it speak to you personally? 23:24 Personally, as I began to work in... 23:29 I'm pulling out the weeds, 23:30 and I'm out there sometimes hours on end. 23:33 I remember being out there, 23:34 thinking this is such a mundane dumb job. 23:36 I'm sweating out there, 23:38 and how come I can't be in there growing the crops, 23:41 figuring out some of these things? 23:43 And I remember God just telling me, 23:44 never stop weeding in the garden. 23:46 People would tell me, never stop weeding in the garden. 23:48 Never stop weeding those habits out of your life. 23:51 And it was just through doing the work on the farm 23:54 and realizing that there's a real connection 23:57 to these issues in my life 23:59 that I needed to weed it out 24:00 just as much as I was weeding in the beds in the greenhouse. 24:03 So while you're in this experience 24:06 where your hands are in the dirt 24:07 and you're seeing real-life object lessons 24:10 between working in the dirt with plants and your own life, 24:13 pulling out the weeds, 24:15 tell me how God provided for you accountability? 24:19 Yeah, later on, I got the opportunity 24:22 to go to Michigan and work with young people. 24:27 And, you know, my boss actually had told me, 24:29 my mentor, he's actually become a really good friend of mine. 24:31 He said, "You're going to be teaching to learn." 24:33 And so I thought I was going to go 24:35 do something for young people. 24:37 But God actually needed to put me in a place 24:40 where there would be other people 24:41 coming to help other youth, 24:43 other young people that were struggling 24:44 with thoughts of suicide 24:45 and already having sexual deviance issues in their life. 24:49 And I was still struggling after moving to Michigan, 24:53 my new job, and God was giving me a new opportunity 24:56 to lead and to manage crops. 24:59 And I went to go to my pastor, and I told him, 25:01 you know, "I have all these things, 25:03 and I want to get counseling on this." 25:04 And he said, "Well..." 25:05 You know, I told him, I unloaded a lot in my life, 25:07 and he said there was someone coming 25:09 and I want you to talk to him, 25:10 and I actually got a chance to meet you, 25:12 and that's when I had the opportunity 25:15 to share a lot with you 25:16 and some of these issues that had been in my life. 25:20 Julian, there's so little time, 25:22 and there's so much more to share. 25:24 We have to close. 25:26 But I really want you to share the story 25:27 about when you went to donate blood. 25:30 Yeah, and this actually just happened 25:33 a couple of weeks ago. 25:34 I really felt impressed... 25:36 You know, I want to go donate blood 25:37 and do something good for others. 25:39 And I go into the blood bank, 25:42 and you go through and answer a series of questions. 25:45 These questions are really detailed, 25:46 actually they ask have you ever had sexual intercourse 25:50 with a man from dates from 1977 to the present 25:54 or have you ever had... 25:56 You're not even that old. I'm not even that old. 25:58 So I'm like that's an automatic check right there 26:01 because what had happened, you know, in my life, 26:03 and I already had engaged in that. 26:06 And the other question was had you ever paid for sex. 26:11 And that was one of the things as well, 26:12 and I could check both. 26:13 So I knew that my blood... 26:15 And I was automatically deferred at that point. 26:17 So what does deferred mean? 26:19 It means that my blood was of no use to anyone. 26:22 It was rejected? It was rejected. 26:24 Okay, so the Holy Spirit spoke to you. 26:26 And what was it that the Holy Spirit said to you? 26:28 As I left the blood bank that day, it was very clear, 26:31 the Holy Spirit just said, 26:32 you know, My blood is sufficient for you. 26:35 In spite of you not being able to donate your blood, 26:37 My blood is sufficient for you. 26:39 That's powerful. 26:41 You know, I remember in Ezekiel 16, 26:43 it says that God washes away our blood 26:47 and He cover us with His righteousness. 26:49 And that, to me, 26:50 is a perfect example of the power of God 26:53 to not just leave you in your situation. 26:56 And here you had this good cover, 26:58 this good front going on, but at the same time, 27:00 you were really struggling with some really deep dark things. 27:03 You had this dichotomy going on in your life 27:06 that was really taking you out. 27:08 That's right. Right? 27:10 And so how beautiful that even as an example, 27:12 just a few weeks ago, that God chose each one of us 27:15 that our weakness is an opportunity 27:18 for His strength to be made perfect. 27:19 Isn't that right? That's right. 27:20 So My strength is made perfect in your weakness. 27:22 Amen. 27:23 And so, you know, how wonderful 27:25 that God still reminds each one of us that, 27:27 you know, it's not our own righteousness 27:29 to rely on, it's His. 27:30 And so every day, I remember that verse in Jeremiah 27:33 that says that the mind is deceitful above all things 27:36 and desperately wicked, who can know it. 27:38 And so what I thought was my greatest curse 27:40 is really my greatest blessing. 27:42 If every day I wake up and acknowledge the fact 27:44 that I need something stronger 27:46 and more powerful than what I have. 27:49 We know that the blood is what does that. 27:51 That's right. Thank you for sharing. 27:52 We hope that you'll come and join us again 27:54 for another program on Pure Choices. 27:56 Thank you. |
Revised 2018-06-25