Participants: Michael Carducci (Host), Miguel Harris
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000114A
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00:01 This following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:04 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:06 may be too candid for younger children. 00:41 Welcome to Pure Choices. 00:43 My name is Michael Carducci, 00:45 and I'm with Coming Out Ministries. 00:46 Today, we're going to be interviewing 00:48 a friend of mine, Miguel Harris. 00:50 Miguel, welcome. 00:51 Thank you so much. It's a privilege to be here. 00:53 Yes, yes. 00:54 You know, it's my delight 00:55 to be able to hear your story one more time, 00:57 and I know, Miguel, that for a young person 01:00 to have come as far as you have 01:03 through the history 01:04 of what you experienced as a little boy, 01:07 all the way up to how the Lord has done 01:09 some miraculous things in your life, 01:10 it's exciting to hear stories like yours. 01:14 Amen. Yeah, so let's get started. 01:17 I want to talk a little bit about when you were born, 01:20 you know, what was the situation 01:22 was with your mother and father, 01:23 and how you came into the world? 01:25 So I was brought up in a broken home. 01:28 My mother was an alcoholic, 01:30 and my father left her when I was a baby, 01:33 so I never had the opportunity to know my father, 01:36 and have a relationship with him. 01:37 So were your parents married? 01:39 They were not married. They were just together. 01:41 My mother was 19 when she had me, 01:43 and my father is 13 years older than her. 01:45 Okay. And... 01:48 Sorry. 01:49 So what part of your raising 01:52 did your father have to do with you? 01:55 Actually, he didn't have any. 01:57 Since I didn't know my father from a young age, 02:00 I would just see him come and go 02:03 from five to six months periods, 02:05 and just give me money, 02:07 and that was all that I had to know my father. 02:10 So from the time that you were born, 02:11 your dad would stop by occasionally 02:14 and drop by some money, like every five or six months. 02:16 Yes, that's right. 02:17 That's called twice a year, right? 02:19 Exactly. Correct. Okay. 02:20 And my mother was barely even home 02:23 because she was an alcoholic, 02:25 partying and drinking was a casual thing for her. 02:28 And there was times where I didn't see my mother 02:31 for two weeks or so. 02:32 Two weeks at a time? Yes. 02:33 And how old were you? 02:35 I was four years old, and she will leave me 02:37 with my great grandmother home. 02:39 And she will baby-sit me. 02:42 And that's when one of the incidents 02:44 that happened in my life that brought up, you know, 02:47 this sexual attraction later on in my life 02:50 was that my grandmother and I took a trip once 02:53 to one of her friend's house. 02:55 And I was just sitting there in the living room with her. 02:58 How old were you? I was about... 03:00 Yes, I was four years old. 03:02 Four years old. Okay. 03:03 And so your mom is gone, and now you're staying 03:05 with your great grandmother. 03:06 And so your grandma is just taking you 03:08 to one of her friend's house. 03:09 Exactly. Okay. 03:11 And I was tired of seeing, you know, 03:12 two old ladies just talking in the living room, 03:14 just like we are. 03:16 Right. 03:17 I just started to go around the house... 03:19 To be curious. 03:20 And I noticed that there was a door that was open. 03:22 And I went inside this room and there was a young man, 03:25 and he was inviting me in. 03:27 And he just told me to get in the bed, 03:30 and he started to play with me and touch me. 03:32 And I didn't know what was going on. 03:33 And then all of a sudden, he was just, you know, 03:36 he took advantage of me. 03:38 Okay, how old was he? 03:40 He was in his teenage years, I can say. 03:42 At least a teenager. At least 13 years old or older. 03:45 Okay. 03:47 And the horrible reality 03:48 is that he took advantage sexually 03:50 of a four year old boy. 03:52 So what was your reaction to this? 03:54 Do you even remember it, Miguel? 03:55 I remember it perfectly. 03:57 Sometimes it just, you know, 03:59 back when I used to struggle with these thoughts, 04:01 I remember it like it happened just yesterday. 04:05 And I didn't know how to react to it. 04:08 Okay. I just basically took it. 04:10 I remember him telling me to keep it a secret. 04:12 And so I did that. 04:14 Having an abusive mother, 04:15 I didn't have anybody to confide in and tell to. 04:19 And I felt that if I would tell her, 04:21 coming from a home 04:23 where I was physically and verbally abused, 04:25 I felt that if I would tell her 04:27 that she would tell me that it was my fault 04:28 and physically abused me, so I kept it a secret. 04:31 Wow, at four years old, again, 04:33 I think that there's something to be said 04:36 for the victim mentality that it's my fault. 04:39 You know, that seems to be a reoccurring reaction 04:42 to little children that are molested and abused 04:45 that it's my fault or that I'm going to get in trouble 04:47 if I say anything. 04:49 And you held sad because what that does 04:51 is that protects the violator, you know. 04:54 So you couldn't go to your grandmother, 04:56 and your mom was gone. 04:58 And talk a little bit about what it was like 05:01 living with your mom with the alcohol in the home, 05:05 and some of the physical and verbal abuse. 05:07 Oh, it was very tragic for me, 05:09 especially at that age because, you know, 05:11 not having a father and only having your mother, 05:15 and her not being there 05:16 as much as you would want her to be there, 05:19 it was very hard for me 05:21 to be able to learn how to function, you know, 05:25 there was many times where I just did 05:26 whatever I wanted to do because I had nobody 05:28 to tell me right from wrong. 05:30 No supervision. Exactly. 05:31 And so for her to come home and see me doing things 05:35 that were wrong in her side at least, 05:37 things that sometimes I was even ignorant about, 05:39 and just physically abuse me was just... 05:43 It just didn't make any sense for me. 05:45 So that started a hatred towards my mom. 05:48 So from a young age, I started to hate my mother 05:50 and rejected her as a role model as well. 05:53 Okay, so now there's some retaliation 05:56 for the verbal and the physical abuse. 05:58 And now it's starting to show up 06:01 that now you're starting to have these 06:02 negative feelings towards your mom. 06:04 So your mom was coming and going, 06:06 there were times when you'd be left alone, 06:08 what was going on inside of your family life, 06:12 you know, you told me this story about one night 06:15 when your mother came home drunk. 06:16 Can you just share that to get an idea 06:18 of the depth of what the abuse was like for you? 06:21 And tell me what age you were when this happened? 06:24 Yes, so something that I perhaps didn't mention 06:27 at the beginning was that I was born 06:28 in the Dominican Republic. 06:29 Okay. 06:31 I was staying with my great grandmother 06:33 since she was taking care of me, 06:35 and she lived right in front of my grandmother. 06:37 And I was looking through the cracks of the door, 06:40 and I saw that my mom was had to come home. 06:43 And, you know, I had such a long time 06:47 since I didn't see her that I just, you know, 06:49 felt like I needed to go out there 06:51 and help her, and protect her. 06:52 So she was drunk and I wanted to get her to bed. 06:56 And as I'm walking her to her room, you know, 06:58 I lay her down on her bed, and she's just like, 07:02 "Let me go outside, let me go outside. 07:03 I want to go drink again." 07:05 And I'm just like, "Mom, please stay in the bed." 07:07 And she's like, "No, no, you have to let me go." 07:09 And I'm like, "Okay, mom, I'll let you go, 07:10 but please spend at least an hour in bed." 07:12 I'm just trying to calm her down 07:14 so she will go to sleep. 07:15 And then she just reacts and holds me 07:18 by the neck and tells me, 07:19 "If you don't let me go drink right now, 07:21 I'm going to choke you." 07:22 Okay, so she's got her hands around your neck, 07:25 and she says, "Let me go or I'll choke you." 07:26 Yeah. 07:28 While she's choking me already. 07:29 She's already choking. Yeah. 07:30 And so I just, you know, 07:32 called my grandmother, and I said, "Help me!" 07:34 And she comes into the room and takes her off of me 07:37 because she was literally going to kill me. 07:39 And I run out of the room and she follows me. 07:41 And then there's like a table in between me and my mom, 07:45 and she's giving me this really mean look. 07:47 And my grandmother had no choice but to let her go 07:49 because she just cannot handle her. 07:52 All right, so this was just a onetime thing 07:55 or was it something that was in the relationship 07:57 many times when you were a little kid? 08:00 That was the first time that I experienced my mom 08:03 doing that kind of abuse like choking me. 08:06 The other kind of abuse that she would do was just 08:09 instead of using a rod, she would do anything 08:12 that she will find, she will hit me with it. 08:13 Whether it was barbed wire, cables, anything at all. 08:17 Sometimes you will see bruises on my back 08:20 and everywhere on my body. 08:22 It just looked like I was very brutally abused. 08:25 All right, so here we have a little child, 08:30 that's four years old, and he is molested. 08:32 And now you have that constant abandonment 08:36 of your mother, who is an alcoholic, 08:38 and then when she does come home, 08:40 the beatings are happening. 08:42 Wasn't there also some name calling? 08:44 Yeah, many times I was called sissy, queer, gay, 08:48 you know, faggot, the normal name calling 08:50 that people will use. 08:52 From who? 08:53 From my mother and also my grandmother. 08:55 Basically, everybody in my family. 08:57 Wow, hang on a second. 08:59 It's one thing to get that from kids in the neighborhood, 09:01 which is just as destructive, 09:03 but now we're talking about your family members, 09:06 the people that are in charge of your care, 09:07 the ones that you love, 09:09 that you really need their affirmation the strongest. 09:12 And the affirmation that you're receiving 09:14 from your mother and your grandmother 09:16 is that you're a sissy, a queer, a faggot? 09:19 Yes, exactly. 09:20 Like you said, yeah, it was enough 09:22 that I was getting that from my friends themselves. 09:24 But, you know, getting them from my grandmother, 09:27 and my mother, and everybody else, 09:28 I remember one particular time that stuck with me 09:32 was that my grandmother saw that I was just, 09:35 you know, just being normal in my ways 09:39 with mannerisms and stuff. 09:40 What were your mannerisms like? 09:42 Well, I would pull down my shirt 09:45 and put it over here. 09:47 Off your shoulder. 09:48 Yeah, like resembling the kind of clothing that women wear 09:50 that is off their shoulder. 09:52 And just walking very feminine, 09:55 using my hands like this many times. 09:57 And my grandmother goes, 09:59 "Why do you act like a homosexual? 10:00 Your father wasn't a homosexual." 10:02 And I'm just like, "I never knew my father, 10:04 so how can I know that?" 10:06 Okay, so about your dad, 10:07 remember you told me that you were five years old, 10:10 and one day 10:11 you were just outside playing, and somebody said, 10:13 "Oh, do you see that? That's your father." 10:15 Exactly. 10:16 What was your reaction? 10:18 Well, I was just in front of the house, 10:19 and he just pulled in. 10:20 And somebody, like you said, 10:22 pulling him out and said, "That's your father." 10:24 And I said, "Oh, that's my dad." 10:25 Like our relationship was never, you know, 10:29 since we never had a relationship, 10:30 to me to see my father was like, 10:33 you know, oh, okay, another person. 10:35 Because since my mother was an alcoholic 10:37 and she would drink and party so much, 10:40 I got used to seeing a lot of other men 10:42 that were with her. 10:44 And she would tell me, "Oh, that's your dad." 10:45 So I always got used to the idea of having a new dad 10:48 every time she would bring another man along with her. 10:50 Along with her. 10:52 You mean she would bring him home? 10:54 Yes, she would bring him home. Okay, all right. 10:55 So it's not just that she's with another man, 10:58 she's not bringing them home, 10:59 and then every man she's saying is your father. 11:01 Is my father. 11:03 So now this guy that pulls up in the drive 11:04 and someone says, "Oh, that's your dad." 11:05 You're like, "Okay, I guess..." 11:07 It just became another one. Wow, wow. 11:11 You know it just seems that there's no safety net 11:14 at all for you that where's a safe place 11:17 for this little boy to go when he can't even find 11:19 security and safety with his mother 11:21 or even his nearest relatives, his grandmother. 11:24 And then you have the situation 11:26 where the kids are not only calling you names, 11:28 but your mother and this physical abuse. 11:30 Miguel, how much of this could you take? 11:33 Did it seem abnormal to you? 11:36 It didn't seem normal because sometimes 11:39 I will see friends who have normal families, 11:41 like a mom and a dad, and they seem happy. 11:45 And it seem to me that I couldn't have that 11:47 because I never had it in the beginning, 11:49 so to me it was like I was never going to. 11:52 So for instance, we moved into the United States 11:55 when I was 10 years old. 11:57 My mother met a man through the phone, 11:59 and then he started to come to Dominican Republic, 12:02 and they started to date, and later on became... 12:05 You know, got married. 12:06 And that's how we came to the United States. 12:08 And so where were you living? 12:10 I was living in Connecticut. 12:11 And what happened there? 12:13 So one of the things that happened there, 12:16 you know, when I lived in the Dominican Republic, 12:18 I was already going through broken home 12:20 all of my childhood. 12:22 Now moving into the United States, 12:25 and living in Connecticut, and having a father now, 12:28 I thought that things were going to be perfect, 12:30 but it wasn't so. 12:32 My mother still had a lot of anger issues. 12:33 And I remember one night specifically she... 12:38 I heard a lot of noise, 12:39 and I'm just like, "What's going on?" 12:41 And I'm in my room. 12:42 So I opened the door, 12:43 and my mother is coming towards my room 12:45 with a knife in her hand. 12:46 And I'm thinking this for me. 12:48 You know, and I'm just like, 12:49 you know, "What's going on?" 12:50 And she was just like, "Stay in your room" 12:52 with a very angry look in her face. 12:53 And I'm just like, you know, started crying. 12:56 And I just... I want to follow her 12:57 but she's telling me in a very mean way, 12:59 "Stay in the room." 13:01 So I stayed in the room. With a knife in her hand. 13:02 Yes. Okay. 13:03 And I'm looking out of the window, 13:05 and I see her following my step dad with this knife, 13:07 you know, following him. 13:09 And she comes back to the house 13:10 and pinches all four tires of his car, 13:13 so he cannot drive away. 13:14 So then he came back later on in the night, 13:16 and he cut off our electricity. 13:18 So then we had to now move into my aunt's house 13:21 and stay there. 13:22 So there I went through broken home again. 13:24 Another one, right? 13:26 Another time to be reminded 13:27 that you're never going to have this normal home. 13:29 Exactly. All right. 13:30 And so, there was a time 13:33 when you found some pornography. 13:35 Yes, exactly when I was eight years old, 13:39 I said, and also masturbation. 13:43 When I was eight years old, my mother, 13:45 you know, she read a lot of comic books. 13:48 And even though people think as pornography as, 13:50 you know, like a sex tape. 13:52 You know, pornography nowadays I would say is everywhere. 13:54 You know, you cannot sell a car 13:55 without seeing a woman half naked. 13:57 And to me, my first view of pornography 13:59 was just comic books. 14:01 Seeing woman with big breasts 14:02 and man engaging in sexual activity. 14:05 Hang on. 14:06 These aren't just comic books, they're sexual comic books. 14:09 So there's a distinction that we want to make there. 14:11 Okay, so that was your first exposure. 14:13 And that put a stem to my mind. 14:16 Now living in the United States, 14:18 in middle school, my friends talked about 14:20 masturbation and pornography so often, 14:22 you know, at the age of eight as well, 14:24 my friend invited me to his house and told me, 14:28 you know, that he wanted to show me something new, 14:29 and he masturbated in front of me, 14:31 and then try to compel me to do the same, 14:33 and I tried it as well. 14:35 So it's interesting. 14:36 You weren't in Christian school, 14:37 this was in public school. Yes. 14:39 And it's so cavalier 14:40 that people are just talking about it openly 14:42 about pornography and sexual activity. 14:45 So when did homosexuality kind of take hold for you? 14:49 You know, coming to the United States, 14:52 this is something that is not acceptable 14:54 in my country. 14:56 Back then it wasn't as much as it is now. 14:58 So, you know, this is nothing but about be a manly. 15:01 And if you're not manly, you're degraded 15:02 and almost like shun away from society 15:04 and your own family. 15:05 Right, but you were kind of set up... 15:07 Exactly. 15:08 Because here is your mother and your grandmother 15:09 telling you that you're gay, 15:11 and that you're sissy and all these things. 15:13 So when did that really take hold for you 15:16 because, you know, what's incredible 15:17 is that you're 22 years old, but you've had a lot a life 15:20 that you've lived. 15:21 So now how old are you? 15:24 Now how old am I today? 15:25 No, like in this time period 15:27 where the homosexuality starts to really kick in for you. 15:29 I was about 13 years old. Thirteen. 15:31 Yes, and, you know, 15:33 seeing how acceptable it is here in the United States 15:35 opposed to my country, 15:37 I thought that it will be normal 15:38 to just, you know, be who you are. 15:40 Because I thought that these feelings 15:42 of same sex attraction were identifying who I was. 15:45 All right. 15:46 And having people call me that, 15:47 you know, was rooting it in even more. 15:49 Okay. So... 15:51 Well, I think that's important to emphasize 15:53 that the fact that people were calling me this, 15:55 it rooted it in even more. 15:57 Yes. Okay. 15:58 And so, I felt the need to be accepted, you know. 16:01 You know, the Bible says that our words have the power 16:04 of life and death. 16:05 Of life and death. That's right. 16:06 Proverbs 23:7 if I'm not mistaking. 16:09 It says, "As you think of in his heart, so is He." 16:12 So one night what I did was I was tired of hiding 16:15 and, you know, in the closet you would say, 16:17 and I went up to the mirror and I said, 16:20 "I'm bisexual. I'm bisexual." 16:24 Was there anyone else there with you? 16:25 I was alone. 16:27 So you're talking into the mirror? 16:28 Into the mirror. 16:29 And you're just telling yourself that I'm bisexual? 16:31 Yes. 16:32 And I felt like I needed to call someone and tell them 16:34 so that I can see if I'll be accepted. 16:37 And so I called my friend, and she accepts me 16:40 and tells me that she loves me, and she's happy now 16:42 that she has a gay friend who she can go shopping with. 16:44 So, you know, I was excited. Okay. 16:46 And so I wanted to fully embrace it though 16:48 because I didn't feel like I was bisexual. 16:51 So you knew that it wasn't you... 16:53 You basically were kind of covering yourself 16:55 with this label of bisexuality. 16:57 But now it's like, "Well, if I'm free to be this, 17:01 then what's the next step?" 17:02 Exactly, and so what I did was that 17:04 I went back to the mirror, and I felt like 17:06 there was this dark presence in the room 17:08 telling me, you know, "Embrace it. You are gay." 17:10 And so I went back to the mirror and I said, 17:11 "No, I'm gay, I'm gay." 17:15 And that just gave me the freedom to go 17:18 and tell everybody else that I was gay. 17:20 And I was just welcomed 17:21 with open arm into the gay community. 17:23 Yeah, no resistance at all. 17:25 No resistance at all. 17:26 Okay, so talk about Tammy? 17:28 So I made a wonderful friend named Tammy. 17:32 When I had come to the United States 17:34 and I started to go to church, 17:36 as I mentioned, my mother was an alcoholic, 17:38 but she took a year off drinking alcohol 17:40 since she was pregnant with my sister. 17:42 I was not interested in going to church at all 17:44 because of some past experiences going, 17:46 you know, off the Catholic Church, 17:48 and just not liking church at all. 17:49 But I just felt the need to go 17:51 and see if I can find some friends. 17:54 So I felt so welcome in this church, you know, 17:58 but I still was struggling with same sex attraction. 18:01 And I didn't know the answer of how the church... 18:05 Of how God can change a homosexual 18:07 because it almost seemed like the only thing was that 18:11 if you're gay, you'll burn in hell and die. 18:14 Well, and how old are you now? 18:15 At that time I was about 14 years old. 18:18 Fourteen, okay. Yes. 18:20 And so little by little, 18:21 I myself started to leave the church 18:23 because of having to take care of my little sister 18:26 and being alone. 18:28 My mother was not there anymore, 18:29 so I didn't have her support anymore. 18:31 So help me understand, 18:32 your mother started going to church, 18:34 and you were enjoying it, and the whole family was going, 18:37 and then all of a sudden about a year later 18:38 your mom drops off, but you keep going 18:41 because you were enjoying the socialization 18:44 and getting to know who Jesus was, 18:46 and here's this 14, 15 year old boy 18:48 that's taking a sister every week to church. 18:51 And so eventually because you weren't getting 18:53 any kind of support that way, have actually just tapered off. 18:56 Yes, and so struggling with my same sex attractions, 19:00 you know, and being accepted by society 19:02 and thinking in my head 19:04 that I was already rejected by the church 19:06 even though they didn't know. 19:08 I just felt so welcome that I went into the world, 19:11 and I did what I wanted to do. 19:13 So the church rejected you, but the world... 19:15 Accepted me. And they embraced you. 19:17 I remember one specific time 19:19 when I met with one of the church members 19:22 and they told me that if I didn't give this up, 19:23 I was going to hell. 19:25 So I felt that was my, you know, my only solution 19:27 was to just live my life because the outcome was hell. 19:30 So instead of pulling you into the church, 19:32 what it did is it pushed you out. 19:34 Exactly. 19:35 Okay, so now you're doing the club scene, 19:37 and bring Tammy into the picture if you would? 19:40 And so Tammy, 19:42 she was a very big example in my life. 19:45 Even though I was living this lifestyle 19:46 which she did not approve of, she always loved me, 19:49 she told me that she did love me 19:51 even though she didn't accept this. 19:52 Now help me... 19:55 I just want to paint the picture 19:56 for the people that are listening 19:58 because I know your story. 19:59 Tammy was a thug in your neighborhood. 20:01 She was a thug when I first met her 20:02 when I was 10 years old... 20:04 Ten years old. Yes. 20:05 Right, so but she became 20:06 the mama for the neighborhood, isn't that right? 20:08 Yes, she did. 20:09 'Cause I think of Carol's story as well. 20:11 But, so here we got Mama Tammy, 20:12 who's about as big as my finger, 20:13 so she's a tiny little person, 20:15 but a very loving and caring person 20:18 that's a thug. 20:19 Yes. All right. 20:21 Many times that I was kicked out of my house, 20:22 I was always welcome into her house. 20:23 So I guess that those instances 20:26 just build confidence in knowing 20:28 that whenever I will struggle with something, 20:29 I can go to her. 20:31 To Tammy, and you'd sleep on the floor, 20:32 she'd feed you food. 20:34 Yes. Okay. 20:35 And going through my last same sex relationship 20:39 with this boy that was very bipolar, you know... 20:41 How old were you? 20:43 I was now 17 years old. Okay. 20:46 And I had gone through 20:48 many breakups in my life before, 20:50 but I was tired of, you know, breaking up. 20:52 I wanted to be happy and be with someone forever, 20:55 but it just didn't seem that was possible from me, 20:57 so I was trying to make it possible 20:59 even though it wasn't working out. 21:01 And last time we had a fight, 21:03 you know, he was threatening me, 21:05 and verbally saying bad things about me. 21:08 And I don't feel comfortable with those things, 21:09 so I told him I'm done, you know, I'm leaving this. 21:12 I had already gone through 21:14 too much depression and anxiety, 21:15 and, you know, to have that going on in my life 21:17 that was not working, 21:19 it was just like this is not for me. 21:20 So I left his house crying and devastated. 21:23 And Tammy only lived a block away from his house. 21:26 She never knew this was going on. 21:27 Right. But hang on a second. 21:29 Something happened between the time you were ten 21:31 to this thug 21:33 that was this mother in your neighborhood, 21:34 and now you're 17? 21:35 Yes, I'm 17. 21:37 Okay, so what happened in Tammy's life between that 21:39 that made a difference for you? 21:41 What do you mean exactly? 21:42 She's a Christian now, right? Yes, she's a Christian now. 21:44 Well, that's the part that's so I think important to emphasize 21:48 because Tammy still was this neighborhood mother, 21:51 but now she knew Jesus Christ. 21:52 Yes. Okay. 21:54 So talk about that now when you show up at her door 21:55 and here you are heartbroken 21:57 that your boyfriend's broken up with you again, 21:59 and you're frustrated, 22:00 and you're tired of all of this rejection. 22:02 What was her reaction to you? 22:04 I knocked on her door, and she just looked at me. 22:07 And as soon as she looked at me, 22:08 I just stopped and started to cry. 22:10 And she welcomed me into her home, sat me down, 22:13 gave me some water, some tissues to wipe my tears 22:16 and my snot. 22:18 And she just told me to explain to her 22:20 what happened. 22:22 She didn't know any of this that was going on. 22:24 And this was only a block from her house. 22:27 And I told her I worn out. I don't want this anymore. 22:30 This is not for me. 22:31 And from that day on, 22:34 I found that she was praying for me 22:35 all along, her and her husband, and I had no idea. 22:39 So they'd been praying for you. Yes. 22:40 What was her response to you 22:42 when you said I worn out, I don't want this anymore? 22:44 She just simply looked at me with this peaceful face, 22:49 and at the same time, worry, you know, 22:51 because she hadn't known what was going on 22:53 all along in my life. 22:55 But she helped me through since that day on. 22:58 And she told me, you know, 22:59 go back to his house, get your clothes, 23:00 and come back, you're staying here. 23:02 So Mama Tammy, it opened up the door, 23:05 and now she led you to Jesus Christ? 23:07 Yes, she did. 23:08 She helped me to know Him, and to accept Him into my life. 23:12 I was once looking for a job, and I didn't know what to do. 23:17 So I'm just applying in all these different places, 23:19 but I'm not getting accepted at all. 23:21 And one night coming back home from party 23:24 and then doing my thing still. 23:27 I get like 30 calls on my phone, 23:29 and I'm just like, "Whoa, who died?" 23:30 You know, and so I looked on my phone and it was her. 23:33 And I called her back and I'm like, "Hey." 23:34 And she's like, "I got a job for you 23:36 at a Seventh-day Adventist summer camp." 23:37 And I'm like, "What?" 23:39 She's like, "Yeah, you start tomorrow. 23:40 When do you want to leave?" 23:42 I said, "I'll leave right now." 23:43 You know, so I packed my clothes 23:44 and I just left. 23:46 And... So hang on a second, 23:47 so people understand the picture. 23:48 We look at you now, 23:50 and you look together, you look like somebody 23:52 who never struggled with anything 23:53 that had a perfect family, 23:55 but at that time, you had hair 23:57 down past your shoulders, isn't that right? 23:59 You were curling your hair in your mother's hair salon. 24:02 So you had this androgyny look going on, 24:05 and you were a dancer in a bar, 24:07 and now all of a sudden, she's got you a job 24:10 at a Seventh-day Adventists summer camp. 24:12 Yes, exactly. 24:15 Doesn't that sound bizarre to you? 24:16 It does sound bizarre to just see like 24:18 where you've come from. 24:20 And, you know, I was a dancer, like you mentioned, 24:23 and, you know, just being sucked 24:25 into that world was a disaster for me. 24:28 So we have just a few more minutes left, 24:30 and I really want you to talk about 24:32 how you embraced Jesus Christ, 24:33 and what that's like for you now, Miguel? 24:36 Well, you know, going through that experience, 24:38 going to the summer camp, 24:41 I was there to minister to children. 24:42 I myself was broken, 24:44 I'm like, "How am I going to do this?" 24:45 But God provided that opportunity, 24:47 so that I can now be minister on to. 24:50 And these children were telling me 24:51 about their love for Jesus. 24:53 Oh, that's fantastic. 24:54 They would sing to Jesus and pray, 24:55 and I'm just like, "Lord, I want that for you." 24:58 Wait, the Bible says, 25:00 "And a little child shall lead them." 25:02 Was that your experience? 25:03 That was exactly my experience. 25:05 All right, so, Miguel, where are you now? 25:07 You're 22 years old. 25:08 You've got your whole life ahead of you, 25:10 and you've lived a whole life before you. 25:12 What's it like walking with Jesus? 25:14 Now all of those feelings are gone now? 25:16 Like was there a switch that flipped 25:17 and now you're totally on the other side? 25:20 What's it like for a young man 25:22 that's come from that struggle today? 25:25 It is an amazing experience. 25:27 I can say that this is the best choice 25:29 that I've ever made in my life 25:30 is to let go and let God come into my life, 25:33 and be what I needed my mother to be, 25:37 my father to be, 25:38 because now my heavenly Father is my father. 25:42 And He takes care of everything or need that I have. 25:46 And now I just find joy in serving Him, 25:48 and serving others. 25:50 My modus is of not... 25:51 Are not any more self-centered 25:53 in looking on to what I want for my own happiness, 25:55 but for what others need for their happiness. 25:58 And I just find joy in serving God. 26:01 And I'm acting in an aggressive service, 26:05 such as, you know, canvassing 26:06 or mission work to help others in their needs too. 26:09 Right, and so, Miguel, 26:11 what I really want to help other people 26:12 that may be watching is what do you do 26:15 when the struggle comes back? 26:16 What do you do when the thoughts inside your head 26:19 start banging on that door saying, 26:21 "We want in." 26:22 How is it that you hold together now? 26:24 Talk to me about that? 26:26 You know, reading the Bible has relieved me 26:30 from a lot of things, 26:31 you know, coming to know Jesus 26:33 and who He is has just relieved me from a lot. 26:35 And what I do now is that I look to Him, 26:38 and I claim a promise. 26:40 And I tell Him, "Personally, Lord, I am weak." 26:42 I have to admit that I am weak. 26:44 And tell Him, but you are strong. 26:46 And I know that you can do it. 26:47 And so, Lord, I'm just asking 26:49 that You may work through me, 26:50 and that You may help me, you know, 26:52 and the Bible says it in the Book of James 2. 26:55 It says, "The devil and he will flee from you. 26:57 Draw nigh to God, and He would draw nigh to you." 26:59 And so, I go to my savior, 27:01 and get away from this temptation 27:04 instead of feeding into it. 27:06 And the Lord just helps me. 27:08 And when it comes back the second time, 27:11 He prepares me for it, 27:12 so that I can be much stronger to meet this temptation. 27:15 And so it's a growing process, you know, 27:17 that you have to go through. 27:19 It's not just like a light switch, 27:20 you just turn it on and off. 27:22 I'm not one day gay, 27:23 and then the other next day, you know, 27:25 these feelings are gone. 27:26 This has been a battle, 27:27 but you have to recognize that Jesus already won the war. 27:30 Thank you. All right, praise Him. 27:32 That's fantastic. 27:34 You know, we're almost out of time. 27:35 And I think it's important to even share 27:37 that you've even had reconciliation 27:39 with your father, 27:40 and you found forgiveness there too, isn't that right? 27:42 Yes. That's amazing. 27:43 God is amazing. 27:45 And for the transformation in your life 27:47 by making pure choices. 27:48 We hope that you'll come back and join us again. 27:50 We have many more stories of overcoming victory for you. 27:54 And we welcome you again, 27:56 and we'll see you soon on Pure Choices. |
Revised 2018-07-30