Participants: Dajanae Anderson (Host), Brittany Hill-Morales
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000137A
00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned that some material
00:05 may be too candid for younger children.
00:40 Hello, my name is Dajanae Anderson,
00:42 and I will be your host
00:44 for this program of Pure Choices.
00:46 Today's topic, we will be discussing
00:48 sexuality and pregnancy.
00:51 But before we go into the topic,
00:53 and I tell you who my special guest
00:55 is for today, let's have a word of prayer.
00:59 Dear Heavenly Father, Lord God, I just want to invite
01:03 and acknowledge Your presence with us now.
01:06 I just want to invite and acknowledge Your presence
01:09 with those that are viewing this program.
01:11 I pray that the things that are discussed here
01:14 will be pleasing and acceptable to You
01:16 and that it will ignite a conversation for the viewers.
01:20 I pray these things in the precious name
01:22 of Jesus Christ.
01:23 Amen. Amen.
01:26 So here we have my friend and special guest,
01:32 Brittany Morales.
01:34 Brittany will be discussing the topic
01:36 of pregnancy and sexuality.
01:40 She has an M.Div with an emphasis on family life.
01:44 So in my opinion, that definitely qualifies her.
01:47 And she is also going into counseling,
01:51 she is working on her license currently.
01:53 And so I'm newly married, and I've not...
01:58 I'm yet to have children, newly...
02:00 It's only been about four months.
02:02 And so, and that Brittany has a child
02:05 and has a nine-month-old,
02:07 and she has both some practical experience
02:11 in terms of what she learned as she is going through school
02:15 and through and some experience because she's had a child.
02:20 And so with some...
02:22 One of the question that I've had
02:24 and I've heard other women have had is,
02:28 is it safe or is it okay, both on the medical side
02:33 and the spiritual side of having sexual intercourse
02:37 with my husband while being pregnant?
02:42 When it comes to that question, on the medical side,
02:45 the first thing to definitely do
02:47 is talk to your doctor about it.
02:49 Because some women do have medical concerns
02:53 based on what might be going on
02:54 if there is any issues in the pregnancy.
02:58 When it comes to sexuality in our marriages
03:01 and our relationship, God doesn't want us to do
03:03 anything that's going to be harmful
03:06 to not only ourselves
03:07 but also to that potential child.
03:10 So you want to make sure that everything
03:11 that is being done is safe based on that premise.
03:14 Spiritually, nowhere in the Bible
03:16 is there anything that says, "Do not engage."
03:20 The one place where there is some sort of regulation
03:24 is based on after you just had the child
03:27 that used to be a time period to refrain
03:29 from having intercourse,
03:31 and that's also unsupported by medical.
03:33 And it's in Leviticus to have...
03:36 A couple of weeks to just refrain
03:37 so your body can heal right after giving birth.
03:41 Yes. Right.
03:42 I definitely, definitely agree with that
03:45 that when it comes to the physical intercourse
03:49 on the medical side, people are concerned...
03:51 I've heard that people are concerned that
03:53 during intercourse,
03:54 the husband may accidentally harm the baby,
03:57 but that there is a embryonic sack
03:59 that is covering the child, and there is no way to go
04:02 all the way there to touch it or to pierce it.
04:07 And then in the Levitical law, when it talks about
04:11 cleansing and what things are clean and unclean,
04:15 the woman is unclean after pregnancy
04:18 for a certain amount of time.
04:19 If the Bible says nothing about the women being unclean
04:22 or not supposed to be touched by her husband while pregnant,
04:25 and so I think that there are some things
04:27 that we can draw from what the Bible doesn't say
04:31 but does emphasize when it comes
04:33 to being clean and unclean.
04:35 Another question that I have is what...
04:40 Is it true that women do not want
04:44 to have sex while pregnant?
04:48 That they, in some kind of way, her desire to have sex
04:51 on a broad scale, most women, is it true to say most women
04:57 or all women would rather not have sex while pregnant?
05:01 That is a difficult question for me
05:04 to answer about all women.
05:07 I can speak from my personal experience.
05:12 We talked about earlier, the qualifications that I have,
05:16 being a family ministries leader.
05:19 When I discovered I was pregnant,
05:20 some people might automatically assume,
05:22 "She knows exactly what's going to happen,
05:23 what to do, what to expect, what to anticipate,"
05:26 and I did not.
05:28 I had no idea what to anticipate.
05:32 And part of me had almost
05:35 no one to talk to about it either,
05:39 and that was a very scary experience.
05:45 Before going too detailed into that part of the story,
05:48 we can probably talk about it later.
05:51 I had a rare condition during my pregnancy
05:54 called hyperemesis gravidarum.
05:56 And I was extremely sick during...
06:00 Not only the first trimester, but into the second trimester
06:03 where even the smell of my husband
06:07 was making me nauseous.
06:09 And it wasn't hygiene on his end?
06:11 And it wasn't...Yes, it wasn't hygiene on his end,
06:13 let's be honest...
06:15 And it was hurtful to him, and it was hurtful to me
06:19 because I love my husband, I care for him
06:22 and that's the reason why we got married
06:24 because I love him.
06:25 And when you are not able to have that level of intimacy
06:30 where not even talking about the full,
06:33 like sexual intercourse, just having him being able
06:36 to sleep next to me, to able to cuddle,
06:39 just to give a hug or peck on the cheek,
06:41 that questions a lot of things when you're pregnant.
06:45 And during that period, I was not able to
06:48 just have the simple elements
06:50 of just connecting and touching.
06:53 And so for me during that period, no,
06:56 but what the doctors have said is and even what other women
07:00 have told me, I mean, only one women has told me,
07:04 it does fluctuate, it goes up
07:06 'cause when you're in a second trimester,
07:07 it did, it was okay.
07:09 But during that period,
07:10 that was the most difficult timeframe
07:13 of being extremely sick.
07:15 I'm looking at my spouse, and he's looking at me,
07:17 and we know something that he's doing that's bad,
07:20 and it's not something I was doing that was bad,
07:22 it was just a matter out of our control.
07:24 Right. Right, right.
07:25 That sounds like a difficult place to be in,
07:28 and I think that's why this conversation
07:31 is so important that we are able to let women know
07:37 that there are a variety of issues
07:41 that happened while pregnant that effect sexuality.
07:46 And some of them may be spiritual, right?
07:49 Some of them may be spiritual, some of them may be medical,
07:54 and so being able to go to the doctor like you did
07:57 and find out what the issue was is definitely something
08:01 that we encourage.
08:02 And not just automatically assume,
08:05 "Oh, I'm having a problem, so it must be that
08:10 we're not supposed to be engaging
08:12 in this activity while pregnant."
08:14 But instead, maybe something is actually going on
08:17 with my physical that's stopping
08:20 and something abnormally is happening
08:23 with my physical body that's causing issue.
08:28 I can completely agree with that,
08:32 wondering, questioning.
08:34 Because sexuality is not just, as I said it before,
08:36 it's not just intercourse.
08:37 It is our beings, our bodily changes,
08:40 the relationship between a husband and wife.
08:43 And one benefit in that moment
08:47 is knowing who my husband is
08:50 and knowing who I am and having that confidence
08:54 that we love each other.
08:57 So when that moment is bringing
09:00 all types of questions into our relationship,
09:02 is there something more going on,
09:04 being able to talk to the doctor,
09:06 and they were a little bit uncertain
09:07 about what was going on,
09:09 but having that conversation was great.
09:13 One thing I will want to say that I did not do,
09:17 and as a Christian woman, I should have done.
09:19 Okay. I did not go to God about it.
09:22 I did not say, "Lord, this is a burden on my heart.
09:25 I'm trying to figure out what to do."
09:29 We talk about bodies being a temple
09:32 that God made us, that God loves us,
09:34 that He cherish that, we are His precious beings.
09:37 And during that moment,
09:39 knowing that He values marriages,
09:40 He values the connectivity between my husband and myself
09:43 and sexuality, sex being a form of that expression,
09:47 I didn't say, "Lord, what is going on?"
09:51 And God says, "Cast your burdens upon me.
09:54 Talk to me."
09:55 We didn't do it, I don't think my husband did it,
09:57 I don't think I did do it during that time,
09:59 and that is one thing that is extremely important
10:02 while being pregnant.
10:04 Even knowing you're not pregnant,
10:06 going to God and saying,
10:08 "Lord, this is unknown territory.
10:11 I'm not sure what my sexuality is supposed to look like."
10:14 I'm questioning all these different things about me.
10:17 And again... You know, we might say,
10:19 "Well, your family,
10:20 you're doing magic family therapy.
10:21 You're a therapist...
10:23 You should know all this different stuff."
10:24 But in that moment, there was a lot of uncertainty.
10:28 And I don't know why I didn't, and now I'm looking back,
10:31 I said, "I should have spoke to God,
10:33 cast those burdens onto Him.
10:35 Let Him know what was going on between us
10:37 first couple of months."
10:38 I didn't.
10:40 That's, yeah...
10:42 So the advice right out of that.
10:44 So the advice for those that are at home
10:47 or is to actually pray about it.
10:50 Because God cares. Right.
10:52 God definitely cares.
10:53 I would agree with that 100% that God cares,
10:56 and so we look at... If we go to Genesis, right?
10:59 If we go to Genesis 2, and we see that God
11:02 has created human beings, and then it begins
11:06 to break down what that looks like,
11:08 the creation of human beings.
11:11 In saying that, the woman came out of the man,
11:15 and it takes, and we know biologically,
11:17 it takes both the female parts and the male parts
11:20 to come together and create life, and in this,
11:24 God had just completed creating life.
11:27 And so for Adam and Eve to come together,
11:32 and for Eve to become pregnant as a result of that
11:36 that God is very much so involved in that process
11:40 because He gave your body the ability
11:42 to go through that process.
11:44 And so I would definitely agree that it will be necessary.
11:49 It is necessary, as a Christian, to consult God.
11:53 And so another question that I have in terms of...
11:56 From the male's perspective, I know I've talked to a friend.
12:00 And he was telling me
12:02 that when his wife was pregnant,
12:05 and she had two of his children and when she was pregnant,
12:09 he understands that for women...
12:13 That for his wife and for women,
12:17 we need to be affirmed,
12:19 and that in the marriage relationship,
12:21 we need to be told that we're beautiful.
12:23 And so that did not...
12:26 Not only did that not decrease or become less of the case
12:31 while she was pregnant, but he sensed that his wife
12:34 needed more affirmation from him.
12:37 And so, right, when she was pregnant
12:39 because there was something happening on the out,
12:42 especially with the first child, he said,
12:45 that she had never been pregnant before,
12:47 and there's all these different affects
12:49 that happen to the body.
12:51 And there is a lot of things that's going on
12:53 with the female body.
12:54 And again, understanding sexuality,
12:57 we should know that there are different things
12:59 going on with your body.
13:00 Your libido increasing, decreasing,
13:02 your mood is increasing, decreasing, and everything,
13:06 you're getting bigger or in my case,
13:09 I was getting smaller...
13:10 Oh, wow. Because I was losing weight.
13:14 So knowing one form of our sexual identity
13:17 that we have been considered as women,
13:19 you know, we are mothers, we are the nurturers,
13:22 we carry the baby, that's our procreation purpose,
13:26 to carry the child,
13:27 that's one of the elements in our sexual identity.
13:30 So, I, here as a mother to be carrying my child.
13:34 I have this rare condition that I feel
13:37 as if no one can understand or realize,
13:40 but I know what my purpose is by God is to carry this child
13:43 to full term.
13:44 And I'm wondering,
13:49 "Am I doing it right?"
13:53 Because I was losing...
13:54 I lost almost 10% of my body weight.
13:57 And I still don't understand why I didn't automatically
14:00 start praying and talking to God about it.
14:03 But losing that body weight, I was getting thin,
14:06 but I don't know who told my husband
14:08 to keep on saying, "Honey, you're beautiful.
14:12 I love you. You're glowing.
14:14 You're pregnant, it's wonderful, it's great."
14:16 Being affirmed in that, that is my purpose
14:20 to be carrying this child for me
14:22 'cause some women are not able to carry children.
14:25 I don't want to insensitive to that concern, but for me,
14:28 being able to carry this child.
14:29 And some people are like, "Aren't you eating?
14:32 When I was five months pregnant,
14:34 someone thought I was on a weight loss plan.
14:36 They didn't know I was pregnant,
14:37 they thought I was on a weight loss plan,
14:39 I was losing weight.
14:40 That's hard. But I was pregnant.
14:42 And I'm supposed to be this healthy...
14:45 Chunky. Chunky, you know.
14:48 People should be like, "Are you almost due?"
14:50 Those weren't the questions.
14:52 But that's how I felt like I should be
14:55 because we were told over and over,
14:57 as women, when you're pregnant,
14:59 that is what you're supposed to do.
15:01 And we also are hard on ourselves as women.
15:05 During the pregnancy, we are hard on ourselves,
15:06 and if you don't have the right spouse,
15:08 he could also be hard on you and say,
15:11 "Why aren't you eating?
15:12 Why aren't you doing this? Why aren't you..."
15:14 And my husband was not like that.
15:15 He was supportive, honest,
15:17 and I was having a different level of change.
15:22 And that's how it should be because we look to the Bible
15:25 and songs of Solomon and all, the way he talks
15:28 about his love, how beautiful she is,
15:33 how he cares for her.
15:35 Privacy should also be that period
15:36 where you're also talking about it
15:38 because again mood changing, libido changing,
15:41 depression, wondering, "Can I actually be a mother?
15:46 Will I be successful in this?"
15:49 It's important to have that conversation.
15:52 I think I appreciate that.
15:54 I appreciate you letting us all know
15:57 that it is not uncommon for a woman to lose weight
16:03 because most people think you gain weight
16:06 when you have a child.
16:08 And in some cases, you know, you do.
16:10 But there are cases, you're not the only person
16:13 that I know that has actually lost weight.
16:16 And with your case, it was a medical problem.
16:19 With her it wasn't a medical problem,
16:21 it was just what happened.
16:23 And so she...
16:24 There are some other things that she had to do,
16:26 so it didn't become medical,
16:28 but that's something that happened.
16:30 So for all the viewers out there,
16:33 for the husbands or the husbands to be,
16:35 for the wives or the wives to be,
16:37 for the mothers or the mothers to be,
16:39 know that if you lose weight, you should go to the doctor
16:42 but it's not uncommon.
16:43 Doesn't automatically mean
16:45 that you have a medical condition,
16:46 but it may mean that you have a medical condition.
16:50 So going to the doctor is definitely something
16:53 would be a good choice.
16:54 It is.
16:55 And creating a community that supports women
17:01 becoming mothers, with that element,
17:03 just to talk to her for a few seconds...
17:07 Talking about making pure choices.
17:09 When I discovered that I had hyperemesis,
17:11 I did what I shouldn't have done,
17:13 I went online and started searching
17:16 and understanding and learning how rare my condition was.
17:19 And when I heard that only less than 2% of women have it,
17:23 I started to separate myself,
17:27 where I shouldn't have done that.
17:29 I tried to separate myself feeling
17:30 that I'm the only one.
17:32 You're saying that, you know, you have a friend,
17:34 I wouldn't...
17:35 If I had not separated myself, I probably would have heard
17:38 that there were other women.
17:39 It might be a rare case, but there are other women
17:41 who are losing it, I mean, losing weight.
17:44 Right. And God created this community.
17:46 And I don't know where in my mindset
17:51 I got this understanding that I shouldn't talk
17:54 about pregnancy and sexuality
17:55 and what's going on with my body,
17:57 what's going on, I mean, my husband...
17:59 I don't know where I got it, but I had this fear
18:02 that I can't talk to anyone else about it.
18:04 I can't speak to anyone else about this.
18:07 It's only me, I'm the only one, I'm alone in this situation.
18:12 And I don't know where that came from.
18:15 And I wish someone would have just thought and said,
18:19 "Listen, I see you're pregnant.
18:22 How is your body functions going on?
18:24 Are you able to still be with your husband?"
18:27 And they don't have to talk about
18:29 the whole intercourse element,
18:30 but just being able to hold his hands
18:32 and be near him, to confer,
18:34 to still build a relationship during that time.
18:36 That is a part of our sexuality,
18:38 in our religion, in our identity
18:40 as heterosexual married couples to have that conversation.
18:44 Yes. And that was...
18:46 That's really important having a conversation
18:49 with your spouse about what's going on,
18:52 how you're feeling the uncertainty
18:54 that's going on.
18:55 If you don't talk, then how can you improve?
18:58 Yes, definitely.
19:00 Definitely, I would agree with...
19:01 I mean, I don't think that that would ever be
19:04 a false statement in every aspect of marriage,
19:08 of any sort of relationship for it to function properly,
19:11 you want to communicate.
19:13 Something that I've heard that's a little...
19:19 It's this bit extreme in my opinion.
19:21 It's a bit extreme is that there was at least one man
19:26 out there that had this question.
19:29 And this question was or this statement was
19:33 that it is now appropriate for him to participate
19:37 in either extramarital affairs or in masturbation
19:42 since his wife is pregnant.
19:44 And so what would you have
19:48 to say to such a statement?
19:51 That sounds like blackmail sex where he is telling his wife,
19:57 "You are not at ease with us having sexual relationships.
20:03 So this is our two options,
20:04 either I cheat on you externally
20:07 or I cheat on you internally,
20:09 and I ruin our bond and our connection."
20:11 And God has not provided any provision
20:16 for that type of talk for us
20:18 to be sexual immoral by having affairs.
20:23 God has not provided any provisions for us
20:25 to be sexual immoral by masturbating,
20:28 which would call for fantasizing
20:30 about someone else who isn't your wife.
20:32 And even if you're fantasizing about your wife,
20:35 you're making her into a sexual object.
20:37 It's not a sexual object, it's a sexual being
20:39 who is your spouse, who is your partner,
20:42 who God has designed to be your mate,
20:46 not only the mate but the mother of your child.
20:48 And there is a level of respect that you need to have for her.
20:53 If you do have the desire to have sex, converse with her,
20:58 talk to her, "Okay, what is your concern?
21:00 What is my concern? Let's go to a doctor."
21:03 Or maybe he might need to have other external activities
21:07 such as talking with his boys and maybe playing basketball,
21:12 baseball... Going to the gym.
21:13 Going to the gym.
21:15 But sex should not be needed during pregnancy.
21:19 I don't want to say it as if sex and pregnancy
21:22 could not be important or essential,
21:25 but it doesn't have to happen.
21:27 We do talk about period.
21:28 The Bible does talk about periods where of fasting,
21:31 and that's the only time where you know
21:32 you should not have or it's safety
21:34 because the marriage bed should not be defiled.
21:36 And part of defiling is hurting your wife.
21:41 Nothing is worse than not being connected to your spouse
21:46 and you are engaging in intercourse.
21:49 That is rape.
21:50 If she is not there, she doesn't want to be there,
21:53 and she is being forced to be there,
21:54 she's being blackmailed to be there,
21:56 especially during that time on pregnancy,
21:58 you are so sensitive.
22:01 And you are told by this person who should love
22:03 and encourage and support you.
22:04 If you don't do what I think you're supposed to do,
22:07 and especially if they use the Bible in certain ways
22:09 to be like, "The Bible says you're not supposed
22:11 to refrain from me except for fasting..."
22:14 There's a problem. Right. That's pressure.
22:16 And I think that's, you know, what you're saying,
22:18 what I hear you saying in terms of rape.
22:21 It would be if you're trying to pressure me, I'm pregnant,
22:24 and maybe I have some things going on with me,
22:27 maybe they're medical,
22:28 like they were in your condition.
22:30 Or maybe, I just don't feel like having intercourse
22:34 with you, and I happen to be pregnant.
22:36 Whether I'm pregnant or not, and I'm saying,
22:38 "I don't want to have intercourse with you."
22:40 The solution that or a possibility
22:43 that you give to me, should not be okay
22:46 while I'm going to take care of myself,
22:48 I'm going to serve myself, which by masturbating
22:51 or I'm going to go and find someone else
22:54 to fill this need that I have.
22:56 That's just not appropriate in any sense.
22:59 When it comes to the conversation
23:01 that you were saying about having a community,
23:04 that is super essential.
23:08 There's a belief that in Old Testament time
23:12 that the women, when they were on their menstrual,
23:16 when they were on their periods
23:17 having gone through menstruation,
23:20 and they were unclean, they will be sent away,
23:22 and all the women will be in a tent together.
23:25 And it was during that time that the older women
23:28 will share with the younger women
23:31 different things about sexuality,
23:33 whether it'd be intercourse,
23:35 whether it'd be what to do when you have children,
23:39 while you're pregnant, all of those things
23:40 that encompass sexuality.
23:42 It was a space for women to come together
23:45 and have the conversation like you so eloquently said,
23:48 having the conversation is necessary.
23:51 And even before, even more recently,
23:56 should I say, that there was...
23:59 There has been a dialogue between the older women
24:03 and the younger women and saying this is what I did,
24:07 maybe this will work for you.
24:09 And between generations,
24:12 there has been such a great divide
24:15 in where the older and the younger
24:17 are not having those conversations anymore.
24:20 And so just because we have access to Google,
24:22 doesn't mean that should be our only source,
24:26 having that interpersonal relationship with someone
24:30 who came before me, they're still great,
24:32 depth and strength, to that level of conversation.
24:36 Definitely. Definitely.
24:38 Conversation, communication, communication, communication.
24:42 Communicating and expressing what's going on in your heart.
24:48 While being pregnant, there was a period
24:51 of really uncertainty.
24:53 Like I said it before, I did what I shouldn't have done,
24:56 and I went on Google and did all this research
24:58 in trying to figure out what to do,
25:01 and it talked about getting so sick
25:06 that the doctors might recommend aborting.
25:10 And that level of fear and anxiety,
25:13 I had to do what...
25:15 I could say having a prayer, and I said,
25:18 "Lord, I am tired of taking these different medications
25:21 trying to control my nausea and all this different stuff.
25:25 I'm tired of all of this, Dear Lord,
25:26 I'm tired of second guessing myself and wondering
25:29 if I can be what You're calling me
25:30 to be as a mother.
25:32 So I'm taking it to you."
25:33 And after I said that prayer,
25:35 I also sent out a mass text message
25:37 to everyone saying, "Pray for me right now
25:40 and what God is trying to do in my life with this pregnancy
25:44 because I have a lot of concern and confusion."
25:48 And things started to get better after that
25:51 because God does answer prayer.
25:52 Yes, He does.
25:54 God does provide support in the Bible
25:55 while you're pregnant to help you understand
25:58 what is going on.
26:00 And again, having a great spouse
26:02 who understands that we have to converse
26:06 about 'cause sex was different.
26:08 It wasn't the same like it was before I was pregnant.
26:11 We had to have that communication,
26:13 we had to converse about what to do, how to change.
26:16 We did have to go to my doctor and say,
26:17 "Okay, this isn't, this is going on.
26:19 How do we go about changing this?"
26:21 And that's okay.
26:23 As Christians we don't need to be nervous
26:25 about having that conversation because God would want us
26:27 to have that conversation because He didn't want us
26:29 to be unhappy and to be ashamed
26:32 and to feel as if He doesn't care for us
26:34 because He does care for us.
26:37 I believe that God cares for us very much.
26:40 I definitely agree that God cares for us very much.
26:42 And that He wants us to have that conversation
26:45 because once again, God has built us
26:48 and made us to be communal individuals.
26:51 We are individual but we prosper and we...
26:57 Our purpose in fulfillment and community
27:00 that my gifts are expressed best in community.
27:03 And so being able to what we're doing right now
27:07 and having this conversation
27:09 that you are giving me information
27:11 for when I get pregnant, God willing,
27:14 if that is a gift that I'll be given.
27:17 And so something for the viewers at home,
27:21 I would like for you all to once again continue
27:24 the conversation, whether you are pregnant
27:26 or you are looking to become pregnant,
27:29 pray to God,
27:31 have a conversation with God about it.
27:33 It is not something that God is too above, too high and mighty,
27:38 I mean, even though God is high and mighty,
27:40 God is not too high and mighty
27:43 to address the concerns that you may have.
27:46 And talk to someone older,
27:47 talk to someone who has come before you,
27:50 and to be able to make
27:53 that pure choice of sexuality and pregnancy.