Participants: Dajanae Anderson (Host), Brittany Hill-Morales
Series Code: PC
Program Code: PC000137A
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00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned that some material 00:05 may be too candid for younger children. 00:40 Hello, my name is Dajanae Anderson, 00:42 and I will be your host 00:44 for this program of Pure Choices. 00:46 Today's topic, we will be discussing 00:48 sexuality and pregnancy. 00:51 But before we go into the topic, 00:53 and I tell you who my special guest 00:55 is for today, let's have a word of prayer. 00:59 Dear Heavenly Father, Lord God, I just want to invite 01:03 and acknowledge Your presence with us now. 01:06 I just want to invite and acknowledge Your presence 01:09 with those that are viewing this program. 01:11 I pray that the things that are discussed here 01:14 will be pleasing and acceptable to You 01:16 and that it will ignite a conversation for the viewers. 01:20 I pray these things in the precious name 01:22 of Jesus Christ. 01:23 Amen. Amen. 01:25 Okay. 01:26 So here we have my friend and special guest, 01:32 Brittany Morales. 01:34 Brittany will be discussing the topic 01:36 of pregnancy and sexuality. 01:40 She has an M.Div with an emphasis on family life. 01:44 So in my opinion, that definitely qualifies her. 01:47 And she is also going into counseling, 01:51 she is working on her license currently. 01:53 And so I'm newly married, and I've not... 01:58 I'm yet to have children, newly... 02:00 It's only been about four months. 02:02 And so, and that Brittany has a child 02:05 and has a nine-month-old, 02:07 and she has both some practical experience 02:11 in terms of what she learned as she is going through school 02:15 and through and some experience because she's had a child. 02:20 And so with some... 02:22 One of the question that I've had 02:24 and I've heard other women have had is, 02:28 is it safe or is it okay, both on the medical side 02:33 and the spiritual side of having sexual intercourse 02:37 with my husband while being pregnant? 02:42 When it comes to that question, on the medical side, 02:45 the first thing to definitely do 02:47 is talk to your doctor about it. 02:49 Because some women do have medical concerns 02:53 based on what might be going on 02:54 if there is any issues in the pregnancy. 02:58 When it comes to sexuality in our marriages 03:01 and our relationship, God doesn't want us to do 03:03 anything that's going to be harmful 03:06 to not only ourselves 03:07 but also to that potential child. 03:09 Right. 03:10 So you want to make sure that everything 03:11 that is being done is safe based on that premise. 03:13 Right. 03:14 Spiritually, nowhere in the Bible 03:16 is there anything that says, "Do not engage." 03:20 The one place where there is some sort of regulation 03:24 is based on after you just had the child 03:27 that used to be a time period to refrain 03:29 from having intercourse, 03:31 and that's also unsupported by medical. 03:33 And it's in Leviticus to have... 03:36 A couple of weeks to just refrain 03:37 so your body can heal right after giving birth. 03:41 Yes. Right. 03:42 I definitely, definitely agree with that 03:45 that when it comes to the physical intercourse 03:49 on the medical side, people are concerned... 03:51 I've heard that people are concerned that 03:53 during intercourse, 03:54 the husband may accidentally harm the baby, 03:57 but that there is a embryonic sack 03:59 that is covering the child, and there is no way to go 04:02 all the way there to touch it or to pierce it. 04:07 And then in the Levitical law, when it talks about 04:11 cleansing and what things are clean and unclean, 04:15 the woman is unclean after pregnancy 04:18 for a certain amount of time. 04:19 If the Bible says nothing about the women being unclean 04:22 or not supposed to be touched by her husband while pregnant, 04:25 and so I think that there are some things 04:27 that we can draw from what the Bible doesn't say 04:31 but does emphasize when it comes 04:33 to being clean and unclean. 04:35 Another question that I have is what... 04:40 Is it true that women do not want 04:44 to have sex while pregnant? 04:48 That they, in some kind of way, her desire to have sex 04:51 on a broad scale, most women, is it true to say most women 04:57 or all women would rather not have sex while pregnant? 05:01 That is a difficult question for me 05:04 to answer about all women. 05:07 I can speak from my personal experience. 05:12 We talked about earlier, the qualifications that I have, 05:16 being a family ministries leader. 05:19 When I discovered I was pregnant, 05:20 some people might automatically assume, 05:22 "She knows exactly what's going to happen, 05:23 what to do, what to expect, what to anticipate," 05:26 and I did not. 05:28 I had no idea what to anticipate. 05:31 I... 05:32 And part of me had almost 05:35 no one to talk to about it either, 05:39 and that was a very scary experience. 05:43 Right. 05:45 Before going too detailed into that part of the story, 05:48 we can probably talk about it later. 05:51 I had a rare condition during my pregnancy 05:54 called hyperemesis gravidarum. 05:56 And I was extremely sick during... 06:00 Not only the first trimester, but into the second trimester 06:03 where even the smell of my husband 06:07 was making me nauseous. 06:09 And it wasn't hygiene on his end? 06:11 And it wasn't...Yes, it wasn't hygiene on his end, 06:13 let's be honest... 06:15 And it was hurtful to him, and it was hurtful to me 06:19 because I love my husband, I care for him 06:22 and that's the reason why we got married 06:24 because I love him. 06:25 And when you are not able to have that level of intimacy 06:30 where not even talking about the full, 06:33 like sexual intercourse, just having him being able 06:36 to sleep next to me, to able to cuddle, 06:39 just to give a hug or peck on the cheek, 06:41 that questions a lot of things when you're pregnant. 06:45 And during that period, I was not able to 06:48 just have the simple elements 06:50 of just connecting and touching. 06:53 And so for me during that period, no, 06:56 but what the doctors have said is and even what other women 07:00 have told me, I mean, only one women has told me, 07:04 it does fluctuate, it goes up 07:06 'cause when you're in a second trimester, 07:07 it did, it was okay. 07:09 But during that period, 07:10 that was the most difficult timeframe 07:13 of being extremely sick. 07:15 I'm looking at my spouse, and he's looking at me, 07:17 and we know something that he's doing that's bad, 07:20 and it's not something I was doing that was bad, 07:22 it was just a matter out of our control. 07:24 Right. Right, right. 07:25 That sounds like a difficult place to be in, 07:28 and I think that's why this conversation 07:31 is so important that we are able to let women know 07:37 that there are a variety of issues 07:41 that happened while pregnant that effect sexuality. 07:46 And some of them may be spiritual, right? 07:49 Some of them may be spiritual, some of them may be medical, 07:54 and so being able to go to the doctor like you did 07:57 and find out what the issue was is definitely something 08:01 that we encourage. 08:02 And not just automatically assume, 08:05 "Oh, I'm having a problem, so it must be that 08:10 we're not supposed to be engaging 08:12 in this activity while pregnant." 08:14 But instead, maybe something is actually going on 08:17 with my physical that's stopping 08:20 and something abnormally is happening 08:23 with my physical body that's causing issue. 08:28 I can completely agree with that, 08:32 wondering, questioning. 08:34 Because sexuality is not just, as I said it before, 08:36 it's not just intercourse. 08:37 It is our beings, our bodily changes, 08:40 the relationship between a husband and wife. 08:43 And one benefit in that moment 08:47 is knowing who my husband is 08:50 and knowing who I am and having that confidence 08:54 that we love each other. 08:57 So when that moment is bringing 09:00 all types of questions into our relationship, 09:02 is there something more going on, 09:04 being able to talk to the doctor, 09:06 and they were a little bit uncertain 09:07 about what was going on, 09:09 but having that conversation was great. 09:13 One thing I will want to say that I did not do, 09:17 and as a Christian woman, I should have done. 09:19 Okay. I did not go to God about it. 09:22 I did not say, "Lord, this is a burden on my heart. 09:25 I'm trying to figure out what to do." 09:29 We talk about bodies being a temple 09:32 that God made us, that God loves us, 09:34 that He cherish that, we are His precious beings. 09:37 And during that moment, 09:39 knowing that He values marriages, 09:40 He values the connectivity between my husband and myself 09:43 and sexuality, sex being a form of that expression, 09:47 I didn't say, "Lord, what is going on?" 09:51 And God says, "Cast your burdens upon me. 09:54 Talk to me." 09:55 We didn't do it, I don't think my husband did it, 09:57 I don't think I did do it during that time, 09:59 and that is one thing that is extremely important 10:02 while being pregnant. 10:04 Even knowing you're not pregnant, 10:06 going to God and saying, 10:08 "Lord, this is unknown territory. 10:11 I'm not sure what my sexuality is supposed to look like." 10:14 I'm questioning all these different things about me. 10:17 And again... You know, we might say, 10:19 "Well, your family, 10:20 you're doing magic family therapy. 10:21 You're a therapist... 10:23 You should know all this different stuff." 10:24 But in that moment, there was a lot of uncertainty. 10:28 And I don't know why I didn't, and now I'm looking back, 10:31 I said, "I should have spoke to God, 10:33 cast those burdens onto Him. 10:35 Let Him know what was going on between us 10:37 first couple of months." 10:38 I didn't. 10:40 That's, yeah... 10:42 So the advice right out of that. 10:44 So the advice for those that are at home 10:47 or is to actually pray about it. 10:50 Because God cares. Right. 10:52 God definitely cares. 10:53 I would agree with that 100% that God cares, 10:56 and so we look at... If we go to Genesis, right? 10:59 If we go to Genesis 2, and we see that God 11:02 has created human beings, and then it begins 11:06 to break down what that looks like, 11:08 the creation of human beings. 11:11 In saying that, the woman came out of the man, 11:15 and it takes, and we know biologically, 11:17 it takes both the female parts and the male parts 11:20 to come together and create life, and in this, 11:24 God had just completed creating life. 11:27 And so for Adam and Eve to come together, 11:32 and for Eve to become pregnant as a result of that 11:36 that God is very much so involved in that process 11:40 because He gave your body the ability 11:42 to go through that process. 11:44 And so I would definitely agree that it will be necessary. 11:49 It is necessary, as a Christian, to consult God. 11:53 And so another question that I have in terms of... 11:56 From the male's perspective, I know I've talked to a friend. 12:00 And he was telling me 12:02 that when his wife was pregnant, 12:05 and she had two of his children and when she was pregnant, 12:09 he understands that for women... 12:13 That for his wife and for women, 12:17 we need to be affirmed, 12:19 and that in the marriage relationship, 12:21 we need to be told that we're beautiful. 12:23 And so that did not... 12:26 Not only did that not decrease or become less of the case 12:31 while she was pregnant, but he sensed that his wife 12:34 needed more affirmation from him. 12:37 And so, right, when she was pregnant 12:39 because there was something happening on the out, 12:42 especially with the first child, he said, 12:45 that she had never been pregnant before, 12:47 and there's all these different affects 12:49 that happen to the body. 12:51 And there is a lot of things that's going on 12:53 with the female body. 12:54 And again, understanding sexuality, 12:57 we should know that there are different things 12:59 going on with your body. 13:00 Your libido increasing, decreasing, 13:02 your mood is increasing, decreasing, and everything, 13:06 you're getting bigger or in my case, 13:09 I was getting smaller... 13:10 Oh, wow. Because I was losing weight. 13:14 So knowing one form of our sexual identity 13:17 that we have been considered as women, 13:19 you know, we are mothers, we are the nurturers, 13:22 we carry the baby, that's our procreation purpose, 13:26 to carry the child, 13:27 that's one of the elements in our sexual identity. 13:30 So, I, here as a mother to be carrying my child. 13:34 I have this rare condition that I feel 13:37 as if no one can understand or realize, 13:40 but I know what my purpose is by God is to carry this child 13:43 to full term. 13:44 And I'm wondering, 13:49 "Am I doing it right?" 13:53 Because I was losing... 13:54 I lost almost 10% of my body weight. 13:57 And I still don't understand why I didn't automatically 14:00 start praying and talking to God about it. 14:03 But losing that body weight, I was getting thin, 14:06 but I don't know who told my husband 14:08 to keep on saying, "Honey, you're beautiful. 14:12 I love you. You're glowing. 14:14 You're pregnant, it's wonderful, it's great." 14:16 Being affirmed in that, that is my purpose 14:20 to be carrying this child for me 14:22 'cause some women are not able to carry children. 14:25 I don't want to insensitive to that concern, but for me, 14:28 being able to carry this child. 14:29 And some people are like, "Aren't you eating? 14:32 When I was five months pregnant, 14:34 someone thought I was on a weight loss plan. 14:36 They didn't know I was pregnant, 14:37 they thought I was on a weight loss plan, 14:39 I was losing weight. 14:40 That's hard. But I was pregnant. 14:42 And I'm supposed to be this healthy... 14:45 Chunky. Chunky, you know. 14:47 Yes. 14:48 People should be like, "Are you almost due?" 14:50 Those weren't the questions. 14:52 But that's how I felt like I should be 14:55 because we were told over and over, 14:57 as women, when you're pregnant, 14:59 that is what you're supposed to do. 15:01 And we also are hard on ourselves as women. 15:03 Right. 15:05 During the pregnancy, we are hard on ourselves, 15:06 and if you don't have the right spouse, 15:08 he could also be hard on you and say, 15:11 "Why aren't you eating? 15:12 Why aren't you doing this? Why aren't you..." 15:14 And my husband was not like that. 15:15 He was supportive, honest, 15:17 and I was having a different level of change. 15:22 And that's how it should be because we look to the Bible 15:25 and songs of Solomon and all, the way he talks 15:28 about his love, how beautiful she is, 15:33 how he cares for her. 15:35 Privacy should also be that period 15:36 where you're also talking about it 15:38 because again mood changing, libido changing, 15:41 depression, wondering, "Can I actually be a mother? 15:46 Will I be successful in this?" 15:49 It's important to have that conversation. 15:52 I think I appreciate that. 15:54 I appreciate you letting us all know 15:57 that it is not uncommon for a woman to lose weight 16:03 because most people think you gain weight 16:06 when you have a child. 16:08 And in some cases, you know, you do. 16:10 But there are cases, you're not the only person 16:13 that I know that has actually lost weight. 16:16 And with your case, it was a medical problem. 16:19 With her it wasn't a medical problem, 16:21 it was just what happened. 16:23 And so she... 16:24 There are some other things that she had to do, 16:26 so it didn't become medical, 16:28 but that's something that happened. 16:30 So for all the viewers out there, 16:33 for the husbands or the husbands to be, 16:35 for the wives or the wives to be, 16:37 for the mothers or the mothers to be, 16:39 know that if you lose weight, you should go to the doctor 16:42 but it's not uncommon. 16:43 Doesn't automatically mean 16:45 that you have a medical condition, 16:46 but it may mean that you have a medical condition. 16:50 So going to the doctor is definitely something 16:53 would be a good choice. 16:54 It is. 16:55 And creating a community that supports women 17:01 becoming mothers, with that element, 17:03 just to talk to her for a few seconds... 17:07 Talking about making pure choices. 17:09 When I discovered that I had hyperemesis, 17:11 I did what I shouldn't have done, 17:13 I went online and started searching 17:16 and understanding and learning how rare my condition was. 17:19 And when I heard that only less than 2% of women have it, 17:23 I started to separate myself, 17:27 where I shouldn't have done that. 17:29 I tried to separate myself feeling 17:30 that I'm the only one. 17:32 You're saying that, you know, you have a friend, 17:34 I wouldn't... 17:35 If I had not separated myself, I probably would have heard 17:38 that there were other women. 17:39 It might be a rare case, but there are other women 17:41 who are losing it, I mean, losing weight. 17:44 Right. And God created this community. 17:46 And I don't know where in my mindset 17:51 I got this understanding that I shouldn't talk 17:54 about pregnancy and sexuality 17:55 and what's going on with my body, 17:57 what's going on, I mean, my husband... 17:59 I don't know where I got it, but I had this fear 18:02 that I can't talk to anyone else about it. 18:04 I can't speak to anyone else about this. 18:07 It's only me, I'm the only one, I'm alone in this situation. 18:10 Yeah. 18:12 And I don't know where that came from. 18:15 And I wish someone would have just thought and said, 18:19 "Listen, I see you're pregnant. 18:22 How is your body functions going on? 18:24 Are you able to still be with your husband?" 18:27 And they don't have to talk about 18:29 the whole intercourse element, 18:30 but just being able to hold his hands 18:32 and be near him, to confer, 18:34 to still build a relationship during that time. 18:36 That is a part of our sexuality, 18:38 in our religion, in our identity 18:40 as heterosexual married couples to have that conversation. 18:44 Yes. And that was... 18:46 That's really important having a conversation 18:49 with your spouse about what's going on, 18:52 how you're feeling the uncertainty 18:54 that's going on. 18:55 If you don't talk, then how can you improve? 18:58 Yes, definitely. 19:00 Definitely, I would agree with... 19:01 I mean, I don't think that that would ever be 19:04 a false statement in every aspect of marriage, 19:08 of any sort of relationship for it to function properly, 19:11 you want to communicate. 19:13 Something that I've heard that's a little... 19:19 It's this bit extreme in my opinion. 19:21 It's a bit extreme is that there was at least one man 19:26 out there that had this question. 19:29 And this question was or this statement was 19:33 that it is now appropriate for him to participate 19:37 in either extramarital affairs or in masturbation 19:42 since his wife is pregnant. 19:44 And so what would you have 19:48 to say to such a statement? 19:51 That sounds like blackmail sex where he is telling his wife, 19:57 "You are not at ease with us having sexual relationships. 20:03 So this is our two options, 20:04 either I cheat on you externally 20:07 or I cheat on you internally, 20:09 and I ruin our bond and our connection." 20:11 And God has not provided any provision 20:16 for that type of talk for us 20:18 to be sexual immoral by having affairs. 20:23 God has not provided any provisions for us 20:25 to be sexual immoral by masturbating, 20:28 which would call for fantasizing 20:30 about someone else who isn't your wife. 20:32 And even if you're fantasizing about your wife, 20:35 you're making her into a sexual object. 20:37 It's not a sexual object, it's a sexual being 20:39 who is your spouse, who is your partner, 20:42 who God has designed to be your mate, 20:46 not only the mate but the mother of your child. 20:48 And there is a level of respect that you need to have for her. 20:53 If you do have the desire to have sex, converse with her, 20:58 talk to her, "Okay, what is your concern? 21:00 What is my concern? Let's go to a doctor." 21:03 Or maybe he might need to have other external activities 21:07 such as talking with his boys and maybe playing basketball, 21:12 baseball... Going to the gym. 21:13 Going to the gym. 21:15 But sex should not be needed during pregnancy. 21:19 I don't want to say it as if sex and pregnancy 21:22 could not be important or essential, 21:25 but it doesn't have to happen. 21:27 We do talk about period. 21:28 The Bible does talk about periods where of fasting, 21:31 and that's the only time where you know 21:32 you should not have or it's safety 21:34 because the marriage bed should not be defiled. 21:36 And part of defiling is hurting your wife. 21:41 Nothing is worse than not being connected to your spouse 21:46 and you are engaging in intercourse. 21:49 That is rape. 21:50 If she is not there, she doesn't want to be there, 21:53 and she is being forced to be there, 21:54 she's being blackmailed to be there, 21:56 especially during that time on pregnancy, 21:58 you are so sensitive. 22:01 And you are told by this person who should love 22:03 and encourage and support you. 22:04 If you don't do what I think you're supposed to do, 22:07 and especially if they use the Bible in certain ways 22:09 to be like, "The Bible says you're not supposed 22:11 to refrain from me except for fasting..." 22:14 There's a problem. Right. That's pressure. 22:16 And I think that's, you know, what you're saying, 22:18 what I hear you saying in terms of rape. 22:21 It would be if you're trying to pressure me, I'm pregnant, 22:24 and maybe I have some things going on with me, 22:27 maybe they're medical, 22:28 like they were in your condition. 22:30 Or maybe, I just don't feel like having intercourse 22:34 with you, and I happen to be pregnant. 22:36 Whether I'm pregnant or not, and I'm saying, 22:38 "I don't want to have intercourse with you." 22:40 The solution that or a possibility 22:43 that you give to me, should not be okay 22:46 while I'm going to take care of myself, 22:48 I'm going to serve myself, which by masturbating 22:51 or I'm going to go and find someone else 22:54 to fill this need that I have. 22:56 That's just not appropriate in any sense. 22:59 When it comes to the conversation 23:01 that you were saying about having a community, 23:04 that is super essential. 23:08 There's a belief that in Old Testament time 23:12 that the women, when they were on their menstrual, 23:16 when they were on their periods 23:17 having gone through menstruation, 23:20 and they were unclean, they will be sent away, 23:22 and all the women will be in a tent together. 23:25 And it was during that time that the older women 23:28 will share with the younger women 23:31 different things about sexuality, 23:33 whether it'd be intercourse, 23:35 whether it'd be what to do when you have children, 23:39 while you're pregnant, all of those things 23:40 that encompass sexuality. 23:42 It was a space for women to come together 23:45 and have the conversation like you so eloquently said, 23:48 having the conversation is necessary. 23:51 And even before, even more recently, 23:56 should I say, that there was... 23:59 There has been a dialogue between the older women 24:03 and the younger women and saying this is what I did, 24:07 maybe this will work for you. 24:09 And between generations, 24:12 there has been such a great divide 24:15 in where the older and the younger 24:17 are not having those conversations anymore. 24:20 And so just because we have access to Google, 24:22 doesn't mean that should be our only source, 24:26 having that interpersonal relationship with someone 24:30 who came before me, they're still great, 24:32 depth and strength, to that level of conversation. 24:36 Definitely. Definitely. 24:38 Conversation, communication, communication, communication. 24:42 Communicating and expressing what's going on in your heart. 24:48 While being pregnant, there was a period 24:51 of really uncertainty. 24:53 Like I said it before, I did what I shouldn't have done, 24:56 and I went on Google and did all this research 24:58 in trying to figure out what to do, 25:01 and it talked about getting so sick 25:06 that the doctors might recommend aborting. 25:10 And that level of fear and anxiety, 25:13 I had to do what... 25:15 I could say having a prayer, and I said, 25:18 "Lord, I am tired of taking these different medications 25:21 trying to control my nausea and all this different stuff. 25:25 I'm tired of all of this, Dear Lord, 25:26 I'm tired of second guessing myself and wondering 25:29 if I can be what You're calling me 25:30 to be as a mother. 25:32 So I'm taking it to you." 25:33 And after I said that prayer, 25:35 I also sent out a mass text message 25:37 to everyone saying, "Pray for me right now 25:40 and what God is trying to do in my life with this pregnancy 25:44 because I have a lot of concern and confusion." 25:48 And things started to get better after that 25:51 because God does answer prayer. 25:52 Yes, He does. 25:54 God does provide support in the Bible 25:55 while you're pregnant to help you understand 25:58 what is going on. 26:00 And again, having a great spouse 26:02 who understands that we have to converse 26:06 about 'cause sex was different. 26:08 It wasn't the same like it was before I was pregnant. 26:11 We had to have that communication, 26:13 we had to converse about what to do, how to change. 26:16 We did have to go to my doctor and say, 26:17 "Okay, this isn't, this is going on. 26:19 How do we go about changing this?" 26:21 And that's okay. 26:23 As Christians we don't need to be nervous 26:25 about having that conversation because God would want us 26:27 to have that conversation because He didn't want us 26:29 to be unhappy and to be ashamed 26:32 and to feel as if He doesn't care for us 26:34 because He does care for us. 26:36 Yes. 26:37 I believe that God cares for us very much. 26:40 I definitely agree that God cares for us very much. 26:42 And that He wants us to have that conversation 26:45 because once again, God has built us 26:48 and made us to be communal individuals. 26:51 We are individual but we prosper and we... 26:57 Our purpose in fulfillment and community 27:00 that my gifts are expressed best in community. 27:03 And so being able to what we're doing right now 27:07 and having this conversation 27:09 that you are giving me information 27:11 for when I get pregnant, God willing, 27:14 if that is a gift that I'll be given. 27:17 And so something for the viewers at home, 27:21 I would like for you all to once again continue 27:24 the conversation, whether you are pregnant 27:26 or you are looking to become pregnant, 27:29 pray to God, 27:31 have a conversation with God about it. 27:33 It is not something that God is too above, too high and mighty, 27:38 I mean, even though God is high and mighty, 27:40 God is not too high and mighty 27:43 to address the concerns that you may have. 27:46 And talk to someone older, 27:47 talk to someone who has come before you, 27:50 and to be able to make 27:53 that pure choice of sexuality and pregnancy. |
Revised 2018-05-09