Pumped Up Parents

Consistent Prison Co-Parenting

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript



Series Code: PUP

Program Code: PUP000006A

00:01 Look, Mom, I drew you a picture.
00:04 Yeah, honey, that's nice.
00:06 Mom! Go, what?
00:09 Look at this, I have no words for this.
00:11 Why don't you go find some place in the garage,
00:12 go hang it up?
00:13 Dad, how do you like it?
00:15 Look at this mess, aren't you in the sixth grade?
00:18 Yeah.
00:19 This is like third grade work. Why are you telling her that?
00:23 This is art, it's all about how she feels.
00:25 It's fine for the garage.
00:27 Go, girl, find a hook to hang this up.
00:28 Why can't I hang this in here?
00:30 You people didn't even come
00:32 to my art exhibit that was yesterday.
00:34 You know what? We had something else to do.
00:37 And if you gonna hang this up, I'm glad we missed it.
00:41 Y'all people never come to any of my things.
00:44 Why are you being so dramatic?
00:46 I'm sure plenty of parents didn't show up.
00:48 People got to work.
00:49 Draw something decent,
00:51 and then we'll have something to go to.
00:54 You people make me sick. You people?
00:58 Girl, you got no more times to say you people,
01:00 go to your room.
01:42 Thank you so much for allowing us
01:44 to put a camera in your home,
01:45 so we can really capture what's going on in the home,
01:48 and we did that, right?
01:50 But before we talk about that, what's going on now?
01:54 More of the same. Okay.
01:56 I just don't understand,
01:58 you know, I was always energetic,
02:00 and always trying to do really good work,
02:02 and I make my parents proud,
02:04 and I just don't understand what that mess was.
02:07 I just... I don't get it.
02:09 Yeah, that child has no talent at all.
02:11 I just...
02:12 I don't know where it comes from,
02:14 must come from your side of the family.
02:15 No, not mine. Yeah, it must.
02:16 No.
02:18 'Cause, you know, we were pretty good at our work so...
02:20 Okay.
02:21 What else is going on in the home?
02:23 Yeah, she is always fussing at the kids about stuff,
02:24 I mean, she at least look at the thing
02:26 and try to help her out.
02:28 I don't understand.
02:30 You were the one that made her feel bad
02:31 and told her that she did third grade work.
02:34 But, you know, it just look a mess to me.
02:36 All right.
02:37 So you say you were always energetic.
02:39 Are they not energetic?
02:41 No, you know,
02:42 I try to motivate them to do more,
02:44 and to get more into their schoolwork,
02:48 and our boy,
02:49 I try to talk to him about getting in sports.
02:51 He's not interested in anything.
02:53 We used to always want to play outside,
02:54 and ride our bikes, and rip and run outside.
02:57 These kids don't want to do that.
02:58 Nothing. What are they doing instead?
03:01 Oh, just... Sitting around.
03:03 Video games.
03:05 They're playing on their phones?
03:06 No. Okay.
03:07 Well, this...
03:09 When we think about the tape,
03:10 can you think of anything that you see
03:12 that you may be doing on here that might...
03:15 I know, she bothered me,
03:17 I was in the middle of something,
03:18 she showed me that picture.
03:19 I don't want to see that. Okay.
03:21 That's one thing I noticed,
03:22 is that what you're talking about?
03:23 Well, yeah, you did seem bothered.
03:25 Yes.
03:26 Okay, so she bothers you? Yes.
03:28 And I was in the middle doing something too.
03:29 I was on my phone
03:30 because I had something I needed to do.
03:32 She is always on her phone.
03:33 Oh, okay, so you were little distracted?
03:36 I wasn't distracted,
03:37 I was focused on what I was doing.
03:39 I think she distracted my wife.
03:41 Okay, so she distracted your wife.
03:43 Yes. Yes, exactly, thank you.
03:45 Yes.
03:46 So, but, is there anything else
03:49 you can think of just from watching that,
03:51 you know, for example, I think you said,
03:54 "Look at that mess."
03:57 He said that. That was a mess.
03:58 Oh, he said that.
04:00 She wanted her to hang it up in the garage on a hook.
04:02 Okay, but I noticed that you responded to that
04:05 when he said that.
04:06 It was something
04:07 that you don't feel he should have said.
04:10 Well, I mean, it was good enough
04:11 to hang in the garage,
04:13 I mean, he shouldn't have said it like that.
04:14 It was a mess.
04:15 Okay, but I guess what I'm saying,
04:17 do you feel that it was okay for him to tell her directly,
04:20 "This is a mess."
04:21 No. Look, we get tired.
04:23 I'm tired... No, it wasn't okay.
04:24 I'm tired of talking about the same stuff with these kids.
04:26 Tell me what stuff you are talking about?
04:28 Just like the picture, I've shown her how to draw,
04:29 I've shown her how to do the stuff.
04:31 You have not shown her how to draw.
04:32 I've shown her that stuff before,
04:34 I've shown it.
04:35 No, you have not. No, you have not.
04:36 And when she brought that to me,
04:38 I'm thinking, "Really, this is what you bring to me."
04:40 She's in the sixth grade. She knows how to draw.
04:43 You need to tell the truth.
04:45 Okay, so tell me what the truth is?
04:46 Yeah, what is the truth?
04:48 The truth is he don't spend any time with her.
04:49 I do.
04:50 You do not. I do.
04:52 I showed her how to do it.
04:53 She should know how to do about now.
04:55 You did not show her.
04:56 Okay, tell me, when did you show her?
04:57 Oh, months ago, I'm tired of showing her.
04:59 He talks about showing her, but he doesn't actually do it.
05:02 Oh, I'm not gonna keep doing that.
05:03 If he showed her, what would that be?
05:06 What would he actually do to solve that?
05:07 She's supposed to get it when I show it to her.
05:09 He don't know, he would put away his stuff,
05:12 and he would tell her to come and sit down,
05:14 and he would show her how to do it.
05:15 She ain't putting away her stuff,
05:16 she was on her phone that day.
05:18 Well, I never said I was gonna show her, you did.
05:21 You need to put the money where your mouth is.
05:22 I don't understand what she is telling me to do
05:24 that she won't do.
05:25 Okay, but, well, she did say and maybe it's true.
05:28 You said you had shown her,
05:30 she never have claimed that she did.
05:32 But that's not the most important thing.
05:34 What the tape is...
05:36 The video is for,
05:37 is so that you can see yourselves.
05:41 Take some time and really think about what you saw.
05:43 Yeah, I saw her, I saw she wants that phone.
05:46 No, no, no. She's always on that phone.
05:47 I saw that. So you can see yourself.
05:51 Thank you. Oh, I can see her.
05:53 Look at yourself. I know that's true.
05:55 Look at yourself.
05:56 That's very easy to do, to see the other person.
05:59 Yes.
06:00 Which is why I want you to see yourself
06:02 because you can't see yourself
06:04 unless you're outside of yourself.
06:06 But if it's third grade work and she's in the sixth grade,
06:08 what am I supposed to say?
06:09 But you should not have told her that.
06:11 Excuse me.
06:14 What I'm trying to get you to realize
06:16 is what are you doing.
06:18 What could you do differently,
06:21 even if you had to tell her that,
06:23 you know, this is not really the best you can do.
06:25 I should have told that she could do better.
06:27 Yes, what could you do different?
06:28 Tell her she could do better.
06:30 Well, that might have been better than "This is a mess."
06:33 Let's do it like this, suppose, and do you have a project
06:36 you're working at your job?
06:38 Always, yeah. Okay, so you have a project.
06:40 Yes.
06:41 And let's just say that it's brand new,
06:43 you don't know anything about it, right?
06:46 But you're here, you're making efforts to do it.
06:49 Maybe your supervisor showed you once or twice how to do it,
06:55 and so he comes in, he looks it,
06:57 "This is a mess, this is a real mess, go...
07:00 Take this mess away from me."
07:03 How would you feel about that? I would be uncomfortable.
07:07 Okay, are you sure uncomfortable?
07:08 I wouldn't like it. Wouldn't like it.
07:10 It's getting little stronger. Really, what would you feel?
07:13 He mustn't get loud,
07:14 'cause he comes home irritated, angry,
07:15 and peeved everyday.
07:17 I know, a lot to do with this house,
07:18 it had nothing to do with my job.
07:20 Okay, okay, just hold on. I'm still trying to...
07:22 Let's get to it so you feel a little upset maybe.
07:26 Yeah, because maybe
07:27 he didn't give me enough time to accomplish
07:30 or make those strides that he's asking me to make.
07:32 Okay, all right, huh, took so long getting there.
07:36 Okay, so what about her?
07:39 Now put her in the same situation,
07:41 you're her supervisor...
07:42 Who, her? Your daughter.
07:43 Oh, her. Yeah, don't put me in this.
07:46 So, you know, you're your daughter's supervisor,
07:49 and you too, what can you do differently?
07:53 Just how can you say
07:54 what you say, maybe differently?
07:57 But, you know, what I think about,
07:58 I think it's important to have a safe work environment.
08:02 And so... That's a good point.
08:03 You know... That's very good.
08:06 So let me ask you,
08:08 do you really think they are safe?
08:12 Well, screaming out at her probably is...
08:15 I don't know, I guess
08:17 it's irritating her, upsetting her.
08:19 You know what I thought about
08:20 as we talked about your supervisor saying
08:22 your work was a mess,
08:23 that would be very scary for me.
08:25 And the reason what my next thought is,
08:28 "Are they going to fire me?"
08:30 What do you think the child's thought is
08:32 if you're really this adamant
08:34 about the little picture she drew?
08:37 What are her next thoughts?
08:39 Well, she has to feel like dejected.
08:41 Maybe dejected.
08:43 And disappointed, and hurt, and a little afraid that,
08:47 you know, hey, if a little thing like
08:50 this upsets them so much, then maybe,
08:53 you know, they might decide
08:55 that they don't want me around at all.
08:57 Oh, man.
08:58 Excuse me, let's just take time to process that.
09:02 Because I hear
09:03 you're getting ready to come back
09:05 with something so...
09:06 That is very insightful.
09:08 Don't you think that's insightful?
09:10 It is, it is.
09:11 And it probably makes her feel like not even trying again.
09:14 Why bother if my parents aren't gonna approve of it.
09:18 Isn't that one of your primary,
09:19 you know, complaints is that they are so unmotivated?
09:24 They don't take risk.
09:26 Yeah, yeah. Okay.
09:28 So you see how valuable this was for you.
09:32 Wow, you know what,
09:34 I want my children to be able to function in this world,
09:37 not just function but do well.
09:39 Right. Without us around.
09:42 That's why when she brought it to me,
09:43 it was something she did on her own
09:45 but I look for more from her.
09:48 But I don't want unsuccessful, unhappy children.
09:50 No.
09:52 Exactly, so what you want
09:53 is self motivated, happy children.
09:56 Is that correct? Yes, yes.
09:57 Okay, so... What have you tried?
10:01 Have you tried anything to motivate them?
10:04 Give me two things you've tried?
10:05 Well, you know what I thought about,
10:07 'cause, you know, I was a pretty good artist
10:09 in school and I thought about,
10:11 maybe says, he said he tried to show her,
10:14 which he's not an artist at all,
10:15 he has never shown his art.
10:16 You know what?
10:18 But I decided, I thought maybe,
10:20 maybe I'll take her in the art class.
10:22 Okay, well, that's in the future.
10:24 What have you already tried
10:27 to motivate the kids?
10:30 Well, you know what?
10:32 I think like,
10:34 I have tried to spend some time with her,
10:37 you know, just her and I away from her dad,
10:40 away from her brother,
10:42 you know, and just try to find out
10:44 what she really enjoys doing, you know.
10:47 Well, she likes art
10:48 so I've shown her some real art,
10:51 and try to help her understand
10:52 "This is what it's supposed to look like."
10:54 Did you hear that?
10:56 I showed her some real art, is that what you heard?
10:59 I showed her some real art. No, this is what I hear.
11:01 I showed her some real art.
11:03 So she can know it,
11:05 this is what it's supposed to look like.
11:06 But her art is real art.
11:07 Art is all about expression what the artist expresses.
11:09 Well, excuse me, I was still talking.
11:11 I'm sorry.
11:13 Okay, so that implies that what she is doing
11:15 is not good enough, is not real,
11:20 it's almost a waste of time.
11:21 And if she can't come up to the Picasso's level,
11:25 she should not even be doing art,
11:27 'cause this is what real art looks like.
11:30 Do you see that? Yeah, ah, yeah, I guess.
11:33 Okay.
11:34 This is little subtle things that we say and how we say
11:37 that makes the difference for our kids.
11:40 They tells them so much...
11:42 You see that word, real art.
11:44 You see all that it says, your stuff is not real,
11:48 your stuff is not good,
11:50 they can show you how to do like this,
11:52 if you can't reach this level, it's not good.
11:57 You know what I did too, I also asked her
11:59 what she liked about her picture, you know.
12:02 Well, I didn't see that on the video,
12:04 we'll get to that...
12:06 We'll get to that in just a few minutes, okay.
12:08 I just really want to...
12:09 No, you said, you said what things I've asked
12:10 or tried to do.
12:12 In the past, oh, you actually tried to do that.
12:14 Yeah, I asked her what did she liked about her picture.
12:17 And what did she say?
12:19 She told me that she liked the colors,
12:21 and she told me that she just, it's just...
12:24 The way that she has just done it
12:25 all over the page just gave her a feeling of freedom.
12:28 Oh, okay. And happiness.
12:30 Yeah, that's nice. That's nice. Did you know that?
12:34 I did not. Okay.
12:36 But I'm getting it. Just 'cause you didn't ask.
12:37 I know. Okay.
12:38 All right.
12:40 So we don't have to have one-upmanship here.
12:42 Okay, so let's talk about some strategies.
12:44 Well, the goal, let's talk about the goal first.
12:46 What do you want to happen?
12:50 Just give me two goals that you want?
12:52 I want my daughter to grow
12:55 in her talents, and abilities,
12:59 and to be confident in herself in what she can do.
13:01 Okay. And be self motivated.
13:05 I don't want to have to always be the one there.
13:07 I've tried to motivate her,
13:09 I guess, what I'm doing is just wrong,
13:11 it is not helping her, so...
13:13 But that's what I want.
13:14 Well, let's say, good, better, best,
13:15 I don't like right or wrong.
13:17 I can just do it a little bit better,
13:19 doesn't that feel better?
13:20 You can just do it a little bit better.
13:22 So here's just a few strategies
13:24 we're going to try this next week.
13:26 Let's say her to assess her own art.
13:28 So you show her what's...
13:29 You ask her like you did, what do you like?
13:32 Two things you like, one thing you like to change.
13:34 Simple, is that okay.
13:36 And that hurls toward really looking at herself.
13:38 Yeah, that's a good idea to write it down.
13:41 And then be kind but be honest.
13:44 Children already knew if their stuff is a mess.
13:46 They know if they have that.
13:47 So two things you like and one thing you don't like.
13:50 No, I didn't say one thing, one thing you like to change.
13:53 Oh, like to change.
13:57 Okay, so you're saying don't like implies
13:59 there's something wrong with it, and she might,
14:02 you know, now at first, she's not going to be...
14:04 She's not going to feel comfortable with saying
14:07 what she doesn't like, but we'll just keep working it.
14:09 And then one more strategy.
14:12 Give honest, positive feedback.
14:15 Do your very best to be honest, but kind with your feedback.
14:19 So you probably won't hear on the next video that
14:23 "it's a mess," we won't hear that.
14:26 Well, our time is up and I think
14:29 we're going to have a very brief word of prayer
14:31 before we leave and ask the Lord to guide
14:33 as you try these strategies, okay?
14:35 Okay. Okay.
14:37 Most honorable Father, we're just so grateful
14:39 for Your healing power in this family.
14:41 We thank You so much
14:43 that they have an understanding now
14:44 that they didn't have before.
14:45 We ask, Lord, that You would help them
14:47 to continuously use the strategies.
14:49 Dear Father, and that their family
14:50 would continue to grow in love and kindness
14:52 towards each other and towards You.
14:54 So we praise You, Lord, for Your healing powers,
14:56 and we thank You so much for entering into this home.
14:58 In Jesus' name we pray and praise You always.
15:01 Amen.
15:02 All right, thank you so much,
15:03 and I'll look forward to seeing you next week.
15:05 All right, thank you. Okay.
15:11 So hi, how are you doing today?
15:13 All right. We're doing pretty good today.
15:15 Okay, you seem so much more calm since the last time.
15:18 Yes, we are.
15:19 Okay, what's going on at home right now?
15:22 Things are better. Much better, much better.
15:24 Better, really, much? Yes, yes.
15:27 Oh, I didn't expect you to hear that.
15:29 Okay, what kind of things
15:30 that was going on that's much better?
15:33 Just a few things before we go to...
15:35 Well, last time we talked about our daughter's artwork,
15:40 and she got very good at it,
15:42 and ended up in a citywide exhibit.
15:45 Oh, okay, all right.
15:46 We're going to talk a little bit more about that.
15:48 Let's go to our...
15:51 our camera work that we did in your home.
15:53 And thank you for allowing us to come in to see it.
15:56 So let's look at what we have.
15:59 Look, Mom, I drew you a picture.
16:02 Oh, honey, that is so sweet.
16:04 My little budding artist,
16:06 you drew a picture of our family,
16:08 your dad and me and you.
16:10 You got a lot of nice colors going on in this.
16:13 I really love this red.
16:14 What's your favorite color in here?
16:15 My favorite color is blue. Okay.
16:20 How do you like it, Dad? You know what?
16:22 This is really interesting,
16:24 and what I've liked the most is you made it for us.
16:28 God has really blessed you with many, many talents.
16:31 So, honey, what do you like the most about it?
16:34 And what would you do differently next time?
16:36 Well, I like the different colors,
16:38 and maybe next time
16:39 I'll use a bigger sheet of paper.
16:41 Okay. Okay, what kind...
16:42 What else would you do?
16:44 Well, I'll have to make it neat for next time.
16:48 Okay.
16:49 And the paper is like really wrinkled up,
16:51 what happened with that?
16:52 Well, I kind of put it in my backpack,
16:55 and it just became really wrinkled.
16:58 Okay, so you could
16:59 maybe be a little more organized,
17:01 a little neater with your things.
17:02 Okay.
17:04 You know what I did, I signed us up,
17:06 me and you to an art class and it starts next week.
17:10 What do you think about that? I can't wait.
17:14 I'm gonna call my friend.
17:16 I just can't wait, it's gonna be so much fun.
17:21 That was awesome. You guys did such a great job.
17:26 I mean, I actually saw strategies
17:28 being used in there, so I'm not going to name them
17:31 but you tell me what strategies that you see in there?
17:34 Well, the non-artist... Yes.
17:38 Was hit with that.
17:40 He signed her up for a art class
17:43 and he has actually gone
17:44 to the first art class with her.
17:46 Well, I thought she needed some help,
17:47 you know, and then you talked to me
17:49 about that before.
17:50 And instead of fussing at her and telling her what was wrong,
17:54 trying to get her some help, some instructive help.
17:56 Oh, I watched, you were very constrained,
17:59 you were like that's interesting,
18:01 we didn't here that's a mess.
18:02 That was very nice,
18:04 that was really thoughtful on your part.
18:07 It's a hard transition, isn't it?
18:09 It is.
18:11 It's a daily thing, you have to work at it every day
18:13 and you'll get there.
18:15 Well, tell me a little bit before we looked at the video,
18:18 you were saying something about an art festival.
18:21 Yeah, it was an exhibit, a citywide exhibit.
18:24 And she entered in,
18:25 and they have her artwork displayed there.
18:29 He started out and telling her,
18:31 trying to correct her on things.
18:33 Yeah, and I was gonna mention something
18:36 and I thought should have been corrected
18:38 until my wife looked at me,
18:39 and I thought, okay, let me not say that.
18:42 So I put my mouth closed. Okay, you know what?
18:45 It takes a lot of self-confidence
18:46 to put her art in the exhibit.
18:49 It did. It does.
18:50 Did you think about that?
18:52 Yeah, we put it on the refrigerator after that.
18:53 Really?
18:55 Oh, you put it on the refrigerator...
18:56 Instead of the garage.
18:58 So I know that
18:59 she is pretty pleased with this.
19:00 Is it still there? Yes.
19:02 Well, man, so you two have really done a great job.
19:05 Have you...
19:06 Did you do any celebrating
19:08 for her art festival achievement?
19:09 We did and after it, you know, we went
19:12 and we looked at all the different work,
19:13 art work that was there, went out to eat that evening,
19:17 and she really enjoyed that evening.
19:19 It was her pick where she wanted to go eat.
19:20 Yes. She really liked that.
19:23 She probably felt very special. Yeah.
19:25 Okay, that is so nice.
19:27 So you guys have gotten
19:28 the idea of what it means to actually be positive.
19:32 What about saying
19:33 more positive things in general?
19:36 Yes, I mean, actually, it's easy when you think about,
19:41 you know, art and you say because art is so subjective,
19:44 and artists put their feelings and their emotions into it.
19:48 So I started asking her,
19:49 you know, what do you like about your art?
19:51 What were you thinking about?
19:54 You know, the thing when you were drawing this?
19:56 You know, and she just goes on and on and on and on,
19:59 it's like a flower opening out.
20:01 Well, and one thing about that is we've...
20:03 I noticed, if you feed off of what inspires her,
20:08 you know, it's not fake,
20:10 you know, you're not just trying to
20:12 throw a bunch of flowers at her
20:13 'cause they ain't, kind of, see through that too.
20:16 So I fed off of what was important to her.
20:18 Okay, that's very nice.
20:20 You know, when you mentioned that,
20:21 you talked to her and asked her what she was thinking about.
20:25 That reminds me of art therapy. Have you ever heard of that?
20:28 I've heard of it, I'm not sure quite
20:30 what it's all about.
20:32 It really is this therapeutic orientation
20:35 in which you actually use
20:37 what to express the inner feelings,
20:39 and it sounds like you're doing that very naturally
20:42 so that she can express herself verbally,
20:45 and if she can't, she can do it artistically.
20:46 Oh, great.
20:48 So that's very nice,
20:49 just like you may like to listen to soft music,
20:53 painting may bring those type of feelings for her,
20:56 a drawing, whichever one she like.
20:58 That's interesting, I never thought about that
20:59 because sometimes when you look at her art,
21:02 it's just all over the place.
21:03 I think, she's upset when she's...
21:05 Maybe, like you said, she's expressing her feelings.
21:08 Well, I mean, you mentioned the last time that she said,
21:12 you know, it was all over the place
21:13 and she says she felt free.
21:16 So maybe it's just her way of expressing freedom
21:19 that either she want it or either she feels it.
21:23 I mean, we never can know unless we ask her.
21:26 Right. The artist.
21:27 Right.
21:28 So you had some specific ideas about work, real artwork,
21:32 how is that now?
21:33 Well, that's changed.
21:35 You know, I think I was just upset then
21:37 because I had a certain idea
21:40 of what her work should look like.
21:42 And that really wasn't fair to her,
21:45 so I realized that.
21:46 Wow! Wow!
21:48 You know, I just love the Holy Spirit.
21:50 You know, sometimes I wonder how can you teach,
21:53 it's so much to teach.
21:55 But look at what God did for you.
21:57 I mean, He just opened...
21:58 I know your wife is trying to say it to you,
22:01 that's what the artist is, what they're feeling,
22:04 but that is so nice that you thought that.
22:06 It's very interesting
22:07 because I remember you say you like art.
22:09 I love art.
22:11 He's taking her to the art class
22:13 so that's very interesting that he's doing it and not you.
22:17 Do you do anything that,
22:18 you know, revolve around artwork with her too?
22:21 Oh, what I decided to do
22:22 is that I decided to take her to,
22:24 like one of the art stores and we just bought...
22:26 We just walked through there
22:27 and we just bought some of the things
22:29 that she wanted to do, and then we came home,
22:33 and then, like, once a week I'll sit down with her and say,
22:36 "Okay, you know,
22:38 what would you like to draw this week?"
22:40 You know, "What would you like to do?"
22:41 Sometimes it's crafts, it's not always,
22:43 you know, drawing or painting,
22:44 sometimes it's crafts and we do that together.
22:47 All right, so not only are you spending time
22:49 with her doing something she loves,
22:51 you're opening her mind to other artistic means.
22:53 Right. That is pretty cute.
22:56 So which strategies did you like the best?
23:02 I think being positive.
23:05 Even though I might have saying something
23:06 that should have been corrected,
23:08 just in mentioning
23:11 what I saw might need to be changed,
23:13 find something more positive
23:14 and dwell on that and not the negative thing.
23:18 For me it was about appreciating
23:19 what she like.
23:22 You know, asking her what did she like about it
23:24 and appreciating what she like.
23:26 And appreciating the artist
23:28 that she is and hopefully will become
23:30 through the art classes.
23:32 It appears that for you,
23:34 her being able to express herself
23:36 from the inside is very important to you.
23:38 Yes, yes.
23:39 And then the changes that she make
23:41 or the way she lives is the way
23:43 she desires to live from the inside.
23:45 Yes. Oh, that's beautiful.
23:47 That's really nice.
23:48 So I want to ask you also,
23:50 what changes do you see in her?
23:52 Can you do, seeing these specific
23:54 that's have been changed in her?
23:56 Well, you know, one thing,
23:57 she was always looking for our approval,
23:59 and I think we pushed her away by our harsh words.
24:03 So now she continues to look for our approval,
24:06 but now she's coming a little bit more,
24:09 I guess, she's more confident.
24:11 And now when she comes,
24:12 she knows we're not gonna push her away,
24:14 and we will sit and talk to her and spend some time with her
24:18 instead of just pushing her off...
24:20 Or ignoring her. Yes.
24:21 I didn't like the way I looked in that first video.
24:25 Yeah.
24:26 Well, thank goodness, guys, that God have second, third,
24:28 fourth, fifth, six chances, right?
24:31 So that's the beauty of all this is
24:33 that you can see yourself and you can choose.
24:35 You can still do what you do or you can make a change.
24:38 You know what I really like in this second video
24:41 was that you asked her the question,
24:44 two things you like and one thing you could change,
24:46 and she was really able to target right on some things
24:50 that she could change.
24:51 I really like your nonjudgmental stance
24:53 instead of saying,
24:54 "Girl, you know, this paper is wrinkled."
24:56 You just went ahead with it and allowed her to go with it,
24:59 and I know it's very hard to not do it
25:02 but you went ahead and said, "Maybe, you know, you could...
25:05 It doesn't have to be so wrinkled."
25:07 I thought that was a beautiful exchange for her
25:10 and to be able to accept it,
25:11 she didn't fall apart, she didn't cry,
25:14 and she was, you know, of course, hesitant
25:16 but she did a great job.
25:18 What do you think? I think so. I think so.
25:19 Okay, so...
25:20 So it sounds like the whole family is happier.
25:23 What personal changes have happened for each of you?
25:27 Just one or two? Well, you know what?
25:29 I had to take a long hard look at myself,
25:33 you know, and just kind of step back,
25:35 you know, once I saw that first video.
25:38 And, you know, I had to do some self reflecting and say,
25:42 "Hey, you know what?
25:43 This is not the message that I'm trying to get across
25:46 to my children."
25:48 You know, disinterested, and self-absorbed,
25:51 and, you know, what I'm saying.
25:53 Right.
25:54 I think what helped me is to put myself in her shoes,
25:58 you know, how would I feel if I was there,
26:01 and you kind of helped me
26:02 the last time we were here about
26:04 the example you gave about my job,
26:06 you know, my boss would,
26:08 you know, react to me with my work.
26:10 So I put myself in her shoes and I didn't really like
26:15 what I saw, just like you said, on that video,
26:18 so, you know, we love our children
26:22 and we want them to do well.
26:24 And so I had to make
26:25 some kind of a change to help her.
26:27 Okay, so I was jotting down some of your ideas
26:32 and here's some of the strategies
26:33 that you guys came up on your own,
26:36 some self reflecting,
26:37 thinking about what you are doing,
26:39 and stepping back from what's going on to see
26:42 how your responses are affecting other people.
26:46 The task of learning to empathize,
26:49 think about how the other person is feeling
26:51 and then your desire to do
26:53 the best for your children drove
26:55 you to make a change.
26:56 You'd be amazed at how many people
26:57 actually refused to make a change.
27:00 So I'm so happy for you now.
27:01 I know that you guys have been praying so much more.
27:04 And so we're going to just say a very brief prayer
27:07 and just thank God,
27:08 I love to thank God for His work, okay.
27:11 Oh, I love that.
27:12 Thank You, Father, so much for the healing
27:15 and restoration that You brought to this home.
27:17 Dear, Lord, please help each of us learn
27:19 to use the simple strategies
27:21 that You have on our fingertips to be better parents.
27:24 In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
27:26 Amen. Amen.
27:28 So you guys have done a great job
27:29 and I'll see you next week.
27:31 Thank you.
27:34 Parents always want their children
27:36 to be highly successful.
27:38 Sometimes the help that you're giving them causes
27:40 them more problems than it actually resolves.
27:43 Attempting to prevent children from experiencing difficulties
27:47 may cause them to experience a lowered self-esteem
27:50 and out and out discouragement.
27:52 So here's a practical strategy, "Let them fail."
27:57 I know that may sound a little difficult
27:59 but every now
28:00 and then children need to experience failure
28:04 so that they can learn from it,
28:05 they can learn how to fix
28:06 the situation without your help.
28:08 They can learn
28:09 that it's not the end of the world
28:11 if they make a mistake, and most of all,
28:13 they may even want to turn to God in prayer
28:16 to get the situation resolved.
28:18 So let them fail.


Revised 2018-05-02