Participants:
Series Code: PUP
Program Code: PUP000008A
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00:02 Justina, you are too fat for that outfit.
00:04 Girl, go put on that sweat suit I bought you. 00:06 It had some of that fetch you got going on. 00:08 Well, I am getting a little big. 00:11 Little big? 00:13 You've outgrown all of your clothes. 00:15 Jerry, I don't know. You're not talking. 00:17 I have to tell you to take another shower every day, 00:19 and you still smell funky. 00:21 That's because I'm becoming a man. 00:23 Want to see my chest hair? Ew, no, no, no. 00:25 That is plainly because you stank. 00:29 Jerry, your daddy is a full grown man, 00:31 and he doesn't smell like that. 00:33 Justina, honey, go change your clothes 00:34 while I take care of breakfast dishes for you. 00:37 Where's my little chunky girl? Here I am, Daddy. 00:40 Hey! What's up, dude? 00:43 What's up, dad? What's going on? 00:45 Oh, goodness. Is that you? 00:47 Dad, I just got out the shower. 00:49 Dude, go take another shower, and you soap this time. 00:52 Justina, separate those clothes, please. 00:55 George, oh, no, she can't do that by herself. 00:57 I'll do it. 00:58 Justina, you go have yourself another snack, girl. 01:00 You act like I can't do anything right. 01:03 Girl, you remember the last time 01:05 you did the laundry, and you mixed the red shirt 01:06 in with the white clothes and turned everything pink? 01:09 I only did that once, I didn't mean to. 01:11 I'm so sorry. 01:13 Justina, go get your snack 01:14 while your mother does your clothes. 02:01 Thanks for letting us put this camera in your home 02:03 so we can capture what's really happening there. 02:06 So how are things going now? More of the same. 02:10 Our son stinks all the time. Mm-hm. 02:14 And, you know, my daughter, 02:16 she just doesn't do things for herself, 02:19 you know, and she doesn't get things completed. 02:22 So I feel like I have to take over 02:23 and get them done for her. 02:24 Yes. 02:26 Just tired talking about the same things all the time. 02:29 They just don't seem to get it ever. 02:30 Okay. 02:32 What are you saying over and over again? 02:33 Well, just the same, 02:34 just what you saw on that video. 02:36 "Why do you keep stinking?" 02:37 Every day, I've shown him how to take care of himself. 02:41 He's got the odor in, 02:42 he knows how to brush his teeth, 02:44 "But why do I keep smelling your breath and your underarms? 02:47 What is the problem?" 02:48 It's like he just don't care, you know. 02:49 And I don't know, I would think he would be bothered at school 02:52 that somebody would say something at school 02:53 to make him feel bad, but he doesn't even care. 02:56 Yeah. He doesn't care. 02:57 Okay. 02:59 So what have you done 03:02 to try to resolve this situation? 03:04 Keep telling him that he stinks. 03:06 I have made him take a bath three times a day sometimes. 03:09 Okay. And it doesn't even matter. 03:10 I don't know what's going on with him. 03:13 I don't think really that he's taking a bath. 03:14 I think, you know, I run the water for him 03:16 and he closes the door. 03:17 And I don't even think he's getting in the water. 03:18 No, it can't be. Okay. 03:20 So well, after reviewing the video, 03:24 did you see anything 03:25 that you might be contributing unknowingly 03:27 to the situation? 03:29 I take baths. How can I contribute? 03:30 Okay. 03:32 Well, I mean, anything that may contribute 03:35 to their being unwilling to do. 03:39 Well, I mean, you know, 03:40 if my daughter doesn't move fast enough, 03:42 I just do stuff for her, 03:43 but I don't see anything really wrong with that. 03:44 I mean... 03:46 Just got to get done. You know? 03:47 Did you hear what your daughter said? 03:49 What? 03:50 On the video, did you hear what she's saying? 03:52 Well, she said a few things, what? 03:53 Okay, she said, 03:55 "You act like I can't do anything right." 03:58 Hmm. Did you hear that? 03:59 I haven't seen it. Have you seen it? 04:02 Well, I never told her that. Well. 04:03 I mean, I don't know why she would even say that. 04:05 Well, I think she's speaking to her feelings. 04:09 Well. 04:10 So it's not what you have said to her but apparently, 04:14 what you have done makes her feel 04:16 as if she can't do anything right. 04:19 How could she feel that way if I just do it? 04:20 That I don't think 04:21 we have anything to do with her. 04:23 Right. We give her a chance. We keep giving her chores. 04:25 She just doesn't do them right. Yeah. 04:29 So that seems pretty frustrating for you. 04:31 It is very frustrating. 04:32 Okay, and then you... 04:34 You know, I want children that fit in with society, 04:38 that can get their work done, like if they go to a job, 04:40 they can get their work done 04:41 if they're given a task to do it, 04:42 they can get it done on time. That girl can don't keep a job. 04:44 She's not going to keep a job. 04:46 Can't even do things we asked her to do. 04:48 All right, let me ask you, 04:49 is there anything that she does 04:53 for herself and does correctly? 04:57 Not much, but I mean... 04:58 I can't think of anything. 05:00 She will try to keep her room clean sometimes. 05:02 Okay. 05:03 And so she does that sometimes without asking you? 05:06 Mm-hm. Does she do without your help? 05:09 Yeah, sometimes she does. And does she do it pretty well? 05:12 No, I don't think she does a good job at all. 05:14 There's still stuff. 05:15 Every time she does it, 05:17 I can go in that room and see plenty of things 05:18 that should be done. 05:19 Mm-hm. So how old is she again? 05:22 She's 12. 05:23 Okay, so we know 05:25 we're not expecting a 12-year-old to do it 05:27 the way like a 25-year-old does. 05:29 But if I've shown her, why wouldn't she know? 05:32 Well, you haven't shown her anything 05:34 'cause you don't pick up anything yourself, so anyway... 05:36 You know what? You know what? This is about the child. 05:39 I have tried to help her and say, 05:41 "You know, Justina, 05:43 there's still stuff on the floor 05:44 or there's stuff under your bed 05:45 that you need to put away, you know." 05:48 I want you just really kind of slow it down 05:50 and think about the video what you saw. 05:54 Is there anything you may do 05:58 that may contribute to her not knowing how to do it 06:02 or his being unwilling to clean himself up? 06:04 Well, she keeps doing it for her. 06:06 She didn't make her do it. 06:08 In that video, she went and did her work for her. 06:11 But that's just because she couldn't do it fast enough. 06:12 No, no. 06:14 So, you know, you didn't make her do it. 06:16 I keep telling her that. Maybe I need to make you do it. 06:17 How about that? 06:19 No, no, the work needs to be done to them, 06:20 for them, not you do it, they do it. 06:22 Well, why don't you jump in and help sometimes? 06:24 So what do you think would happen 06:25 if you allowed her to do? 06:27 Yeah, what do you think? 06:30 Well, she'd probably half do it. 06:33 So you think she'll half do her work? 06:35 Mm-hm. Okay. 06:36 So then, what if, at that point, 06:38 you stepped in and gave her a few more directives, 06:42 not orders but directives? 06:45 It might work, I don't know. 06:47 I mean, I haven't really tried that. 06:48 Okay, so... 06:50 And stop looking at me like that. 06:51 Tell... Keep telling her. 06:52 You act like you know what to do. 06:54 Keep telling her? She needs to hear all of this. 06:55 Tell her. 06:57 So since he was able to find what you did incorrectly, 07:00 maybe you can tell him something 07:01 that he could improve on. 07:03 Oh, there's nothing I need to correct at all. 07:04 You know what? 07:05 He's the man of the house, 07:07 he's got a son growing up under him, 07:08 and the boy is funky all the time. 07:09 And there is no reason for that. 07:11 You know what? 07:12 I can understand that a little bit more 07:14 if there was no man in the house, 07:15 but there is a man in the house 07:16 and the child is funky all the time. 07:18 I tell him. Okay. 07:19 So now you know that he is 12 years old. 07:22 Well, he's only 11. 07:23 Oh, okay, I keep forgetting them. 07:26 Well, listen, there has to be some education here. 07:30 Eleven-year-olds are not known to want to take baths, 07:33 that's a developmental process. 07:34 That's what a man is for. He has a father in the house. 07:37 And this is the process of learning. 07:39 There is a process that goes, 07:41 he's not going to be able to tell him once 07:43 and then your son is just going to do it. 07:45 He keeps saying, he's told him over and over... 07:46 But let's look at... 07:48 But he needs to do more than tell him. 07:49 I told him. 07:51 Well, let's look at what the real problem is. 07:52 He's not motivated to take a bath. 07:54 He's not motivated to be clean. 07:56 She's not concerned about doing things right. 08:01 She doesn't care about doing things right. 08:03 So we're talking about a lack of motivation, 08:06 and that's where we're going. 08:08 How is this happening? What's going on? 08:10 And we looked at that video. 08:12 And so we're going to really do some digging inside. 08:14 Is there anything at all that you can see 08:18 or saw on the video that may say, "Hmm. 08:22 I'm doing this. 08:23 This may contribute just a tiny bit." 08:25 It doesn't cause it. 08:27 And I want you to dig within yourself. 08:31 I didn't say to look at him and decide what he's doing 08:35 or you look at her and decide what she's doing, 08:37 what are you doing that may contribute 08:39 just a teeny-weeny tiny bit? 08:41 I don't know what else I can say. 08:42 He called our daughter fat. 08:44 He called her fat and chunky all the time. 08:45 So that's telling things. 08:46 Okay, so that bothers you that he says that? 08:49 Of course, why wouldn't that bother her? 08:50 Well, let me ask, so do you think 08:52 that might bother her a little bit 08:54 if you're calling her chunky... 08:56 And I mean I saw her reply to you 08:58 in a very loving way, but do you think, 09:00 on some level, it may affect her? 09:02 I want to bother her 09:03 so she will stop eating so much. 09:05 Okay, so you've... 09:06 Oh, so you're thinking that 09:08 you're going to motivate her by saying that. 09:09 Yes. Oh! 09:10 Step away from the table sometimes. 09:12 You know what? 09:13 You need to worry about our son. 09:14 Let me worry about out daughter. 09:16 Let me worry about our daughter. 09:17 You need to take care of his funkiness. 09:19 It is his daughter too. 09:20 So what are you doing that may make just a tiny bit? 09:24 And we're not saying 09:25 you're causing all of the problems. 09:27 Stop looking at me like that. What are you doing? 09:28 Stop looking at me like that. What are you doing? 09:30 Just a tiny bit, just a little bit. 09:32 Well, you know what? Sometimes I step in. 09:34 I don't really give her a chance to do something. 09:37 Bingo! 09:38 Thank you, that's just... 09:39 And I know that you're doing that 09:41 because you want to help her 09:42 and you want to show her exactly how it's done. 09:43 I mean, I want to teach her how to get it done right. 09:46 That's not the way. You know, how to do it right. 09:47 Okay, all right. 09:49 So we're moving a little bit, okay? 09:51 So let me ask you, supposing to get you, 09:54 would you like to lose a little weight at all? 09:56 Everybody apparently wants... 09:57 He needs to lose a lot of weight, 09:59 not little weight. 10:00 Yeah. Yeah. Okay. 10:02 So suppose I came to your house 10:03 and I sat at the table watching you eat, 10:05 and you went to reach for another roll, and I... 10:08 and said... 10:09 "No, you're chunky." You want me to do that to him? 10:11 That's what I should do to my daughter, I mean. 10:12 I'm asking. 10:13 No, well, just think about how that would make you feel? 10:15 "You're chunky enough, you're fat enough. 10:17 You don't need another roll." How would that make you feel? 10:20 I wish you would come and do that. 10:22 I need to make her feel that way. 10:24 No, but how would you feel? 10:26 Will it make you feel like, "Yeah, I'm so happy this woman 10:29 came to my house and sat at my table"? 10:31 No. 10:32 What would you probably say to me? 10:34 "Leave me alone, this is my food. 10:36 I bought this." And what are your feelings? 10:38 I'm angry. Angry. 10:40 And what else? Upset. 10:43 "I want to eat, you know, you're bothering me." 10:45 Right. And maybe a little sad? 10:48 Maybe 'cause you pointed out something that, you know... 10:52 Maybe like, "I'm not very handsome 10:54 or I'm not cute or is something wrong with me?" 10:55 He knows he needs to push back from the table. 10:57 He already knows all that. 10:59 You know, she's talking to me. She's talking to me! 11:01 Okay. 11:03 So you make sure you told him that. 11:04 Yes, I have told him. 11:05 Yeah, she's telling me a whole lot of things. 11:07 You know, she's looking at him. 11:08 Our kids are looking at him. She's looking at him. 11:09 She watches him eat. 11:11 You don't think she's watching you eat? 11:12 Sure. 11:14 Well, not as far as being chunky, no. 11:16 Okay, all right. So let's go back to this. 11:21 What have you done to try to resolve the problem? 11:25 I know you showed him 11:26 how to bath and I know you step in for her. 11:30 What else have you tried? Anything else? 11:32 Well, I mean, I've talked to her, 11:33 you know, and I have made him go back 11:35 and take more than one bath. 11:37 Well, I don't know what he does 11:39 when he closes the bathroom door 11:40 because he comes out still funky so, you know. 11:44 So tell me the method of teaching you did 11:46 when you were teaching him to take a bath. 11:49 Well, I just showed him how to wash. 11:50 I told him every day, every day. 11:53 When you say you showed him how to wash, 11:55 were you in bathroom with him? 11:56 Yeah, we actually took a shower. 11:58 He was younger. Okay. 11:59 We used to take showers, 12:01 and I would show him what he needs to do. 12:02 Okay. 12:04 Well... 12:05 I bought him special body washes 12:06 and all those kinds of things. 12:08 I told him he was too young 12:10 to understand at that point of time. 12:11 He knows how to use washcloth. 12:12 You know, he was just a baby then. 12:15 He didn't know, I mean, he was a toddler. 12:16 Oh, okay. 12:18 Was he that young, just like... 12:19 He was young. He was very young. 12:20 Oh, okay. 12:22 Well, you know, children forget. 12:23 And so maybe it's time to revisit that skill for him. 12:26 That's what we call a living skill. 12:28 So, you know, you can. 12:30 And also those products you were talking about, 12:34 you can show him how to lavish 12:36 that on himself and make him so... 12:38 And, you know, he has told me 12:40 before that there's some of that stuff 12:41 you've got him irritates his skin, but you don't listen. 12:44 I tried to tell you 12:45 that you get him something different, 12:47 maybe something more natural or something 12:49 that would not irritate his skin. 12:50 He's making excuses. Excuses. Okay. 12:52 Now, you know, that is something 12:54 that could be considered. 12:56 It might be an excuse. 12:57 But we give them every opportunity. 13:00 You need to really write that down. 13:01 That's a strategy, 13:03 give children every opportunity to succeed, every opportunity. 13:08 So if he says it's irritating to his skin, 13:11 we try something different. 13:13 Have you ever looked at his skin to see 13:15 if it was irritating? 13:16 No. 13:18 Well, you know what, every time since he was a baby, 13:20 he had sensitive skin. 13:21 And so like with metal 13:23 or something will touch his skin, 13:24 he would break out and stuff. 13:25 I try to tell him that 13:27 that the boy has sensitive skin. 13:28 Boy, they makeup some good excuses. 13:29 He buys him that same stuff 13:31 that he gets which is for a full grown man. 13:32 Would you say 13:34 that your son makes excuses sometimes for what he's doing? 13:39 Yes, he does. He does. 13:40 So then it would be easy for him 13:42 to come to that conclusion 13:44 that this is probably another excuse. 13:45 Yes. Yes. So that's understandable. 13:47 I still want to reiterate, 13:49 he's 11, and there are some developmental things 13:52 going on here. 13:53 This is not an abnormal situation 13:56 for an 11-year-old. 13:57 It can be resolved pretty quickly and easily. 14:00 But this, the other problem of being unmotivated 14:03 may not be resolved easily. 14:05 So I want to go to here, how do this... 14:09 The way you'd step in 14:11 and the way you kind of tell her chunky 14:13 and tell him he stinks, 14:16 how do you think that's affecting them 14:17 on the inside? 14:19 How they view themselves? How they feel about themselves? 14:22 They probably feel like they can't do anything right. 14:23 I've never really thought about it? 14:25 They can't wait for losing, you know. 14:28 You've never thought about it? No, I never did. 14:29 Well, now that we're talking about it, 14:31 what do you think now? 14:33 I'm sure they don't like it. I'm sure of that. 14:36 All right. 14:38 If we tell him to take a bath again, 14:39 and he still comes out funky, 14:42 then he just probably feels like we don't really understand 14:45 or we don't really care or no matter what he does, 14:48 we're going to fuss about it. 14:49 So do you see that what you have been doing 14:52 is not really changing anything? 14:55 Well, that's true. 14:56 You know, I mean, you calling her chunky, 14:58 et cetera. 14:59 That's true. True. 15:01 Well, I know this 15:02 that you said something on the video about, 15:04 "You know that clothes are too small for you," right? 15:07 Or, you know, you can probably change that, 15:10 "No, that you're too big for those clothes." 15:12 You can probably change 15:13 that around because it's normal. 15:15 She's supposed to grow up, right? 15:17 Yeah. Okay. 15:18 And body shaming, saying she's too fat can lead 15:21 to some major problems like bulimia, anorexia. 15:24 We're not trying to do that, correct? 15:26 No. No. Oh, okay. 15:28 So, you know, "The dress is too small now. 15:30 We have to buy a new one." It's simple. 15:33 You don't even have to say that, 15:34 let's give that one away, it's not... 15:36 Well, I mean, I've told her to take out all those clothes 15:38 that she can't fit anymore, and we'll just give them away, 15:40 but she's too lazy to do that. 15:42 So we are going to watch what we're saying 15:46 because body shaming 15:48 is really a very serious problem. 15:50 Fat, chunky, that kind of stuff, 15:53 we want to avoid doing that, don't say that. 15:55 Can you say that one more time so that he will get it? 15:57 I heard her. I heard it. 15:58 So let's... Our time is running out. 16:00 Let's get a few strategies in for next week, okay? 16:03 So the first thing we already said 16:05 was let's just make it easy for children 16:07 to be successful, okay? 16:08 All right. 16:10 If you're concerned about your daughter's weight, 16:12 I noticed how when you took over her job, 16:16 then you told her to go get a snack. 16:19 Okay, so we don't want to try to soothe her with food. 16:23 She's going to self-soothe by eating, 16:26 and that's not a good thing either. 16:28 I never thought about that. Okay. 16:30 Another thing is we want to not take over her job. 16:35 If you feel she can't do it, then make sure 16:38 that you give her a task that she can do. 16:41 We want to build in success. 16:44 So you can say, 16:45 "Would you get all the red clothes out?" 16:47 She knows the color red, 16:48 and that can be what she does, okay? 16:51 So because if she's attention deficit disorder, 16:54 separating colors is a big job for her, 16:56 it's hard 'cause that's an organizational process. 16:59 So you want to just make sure 17:01 that you just make it simple and easy. 17:04 All right, well, we really are out of time, 17:06 and let's try next week when we come, 17:09 let's see how these strategies have worked. 17:10 Okay? Okay. 17:11 Okay. All right. Take care. 17:13 Mm-hmm. 17:16 So how are you guys doing today? 17:18 We're doing pretty good today. We are good, yep. 17:20 Oh! I love to hear that. That sounds great to me. 17:22 So how are things going at home? 17:24 Much better. Yes, they are. 17:26 Much better. Mm-hmm. 17:27 We took some of your suggestions, 17:29 and put them into practice, 17:30 and then we talked to some people at church. 17:32 Good. Good. 17:33 You know, some of our friends 17:34 and they gave us some ideas to try. 17:36 Okay, that sounds great. 17:38 Well, thanks a lot for allowing us 17:40 to put the camera in your home. 17:42 And we're going to just take a look at what we see, 17:44 and see what we've captured 17:46 on how you've been using those strategies. 17:47 Okay. Let's see what's there. 17:52 Hi, pretty girl. Hi, mom. 17:56 How's my handsome son today? Good. 17:59 How do you think I look in this outfit? 18:01 Well, honey, I think 18:03 that that has got a little itsy-bitsy on you. 18:05 I like the blue one on you better. 18:07 I'm going to get on my clothes too, Mom. 18:09 These pants are too short. You know what? 18:11 You're both growing up like wild beanstalks. 18:13 We're just kind going to have to go shopping and buy you 18:14 some new clothes. 18:16 Where is my little princess? Hi, Daddy. 18:18 Hey. And how is my hero today? 18:21 I'm good. Is that cologne I smell on you? 18:23 Yeah, Dad. 18:25 It's the cologne that you bought me 18:26 for my birthday. 18:27 I use it every time I take a shower. 18:29 Good. Good. 18:30 Justina, after you clean your room, 18:32 we're going to go to the park. 18:33 You've got really, really good at cleaning up your room. 18:36 So I know it won't take you long. 18:38 Okay. Not so fast, honey. 18:40 Remember I told you to separate your clothes 18:42 for the laundry first. 18:43 Yes. 18:45 What two things that you do really well 18:46 the last time you did your laundry? 18:48 Separate my whites from my colors, 18:50 and then put them by the washer. 18:52 Very good. 18:53 Now don't forget, do not put anything red in 18:56 with the white clothes. 18:57 Remember what happened the last time. 18:59 Yes, and I won't do that again. I promise. 19:02 Okay. 19:07 Wow! Absolutely amazing. 19:12 I could actually see 19:13 some of the strategies and guess what, 19:15 stuff I did not say to you you were doing. 19:18 So let me ask you which of those strategies 19:21 that you were using did you like the best. 19:24 Well, one of the things 19:25 was I gave my daughter smaller tasks to do. 19:28 Okay. 19:29 And so, you know, one of the things was, 19:31 "Okay, make sure all the red clothes 19:33 are out of the way first." 19:34 Good. Good. 19:36 And so she did that and then, you know, 19:37 I just kind of just check it over to make sure 19:40 'cause we don't want 19:41 all of the white stuff turning out pink again, you know. 19:44 Correct. Correct. 19:45 But I didn't say anything to her about that. 19:46 I just let her separate out the reds, 19:48 and then I would just check just to make sure. 19:50 Okay, man! 19:52 So how did you feel doing it that way? 19:54 It really didn't bother me. 19:56 And I saw that she was much happier, you know. 19:58 And she felt like she could accomplish something, 20:02 you know, without me stepping in, you know. 20:04 Okay. Very good. Good. 20:05 So how about you? 20:07 Which strategy was best for you? 20:08 Well, I had to calm down first of all. 20:11 We had a little talk. 20:12 And I was just trying to explaining to him 20:13 how important it is for a really good hygiene. 20:17 Okay. 20:18 So we went to the store, 20:20 and we picked out some other things 20:21 that might not irritate his skin, 20:24 more natural products. 20:26 And he also went down aisle that had colognes. 20:30 So I just saw on the video, 20:32 he picked out something he liked 20:34 and wanted to smell like, and so he's been using it, 20:37 and I haven't really had to talk to him about it. 20:39 And I'm telling you, it's been night and day 20:42 'cause I actually can be around him now 20:44 and, you know, the smell... 20:45 Ugh. Yeah. 20:46 Well, I saw some other strategies 20:48 you guys were using. 20:50 For example, you changed the word chunky to princess. 20:54 You put a nice affectionate word in there, 20:57 and that was pretty nice. 20:58 She seemed to respond very well to that. 21:00 She did. Okay. 21:01 And then I saw you, you were saying 21:05 that you allowed her to assess herself, 21:06 you know, see what she's doing well, 21:08 that's really nice. 21:10 And then what about you parent a good thing 21:12 with the bad thing? 21:14 For example, you say, 21:16 "When you clean your bedroom, we'll go to the park." 21:20 So the good thing is going to the park, a little reward, 21:23 after she finishes her bedroom. 21:25 Right. Right. That was really smart. 21:26 Yeah, because they still have to do the things 21:29 we've asked to do, you know. 21:30 Exactly. 21:31 But there is something good on the other side of it. 21:33 Yeah, she does a much more thorough job now if we say, 21:36 "Okay, once you're done 21:38 with what we've asked you to do, 21:39 we'll do something 21:40 that you've been asking us to do." 21:42 I don't really think they realize 21:43 we're really trying to structure them, 21:45 so when they get out of our house, 21:46 when they move out, 21:48 they'll be used to a clean home. 21:50 Now children, you see, they have one day at a time. 21:52 They are not even thinking about the future. 21:55 So they're just thinking about playing, and eating, 21:58 and pleasing their parents, and just being happy, 22:00 you know, that sort of natural desires 22:02 to just enjoy life, you know. 22:04 So and like you said, 22:06 you want to mingle that with teaching skills, 22:08 you know, as they go along. 22:10 And I think you're doing a good job over there. 22:12 Another thing that I did too was I switched out like 22:16 just regular snack-y snack stuff 22:18 for more healthier things, you know. 22:19 Oh good! 22:21 And more fruit and, you know, raw things and stuff like that. 22:25 And so that she doesn't have... 22:27 If she decides she needs herself medicated, 22:30 at least there's healthy things around her. 22:31 You mean to self-soothe? Self-soothe. 22:34 Or self-medicate I guess, yeah. That is so nice. 22:38 Now, you know what, that's a really good idea. 22:40 And, you know, that keeps you 22:42 from having to count the bags of potato chips. 22:44 I mean, it's like people are, 22:46 "I bought a whole thing of potato chips 22:47 and they ate the whole thing." 22:48 Of course, they eat 22:50 the whole thing 'cause it's there. 22:51 And, you know what, 22:52 now I don't find like candy wrappers 22:54 and things up under her bed, in her room, you know. 22:56 Okay. 22:57 Because you don't have to monitor all of the apples, 23:00 I mean, she's only going to eat so many of those. 23:02 Her teeth, you know, 23:03 jaws gonna get tired of chomping on that. 23:05 So, you know, that's pretty good. 23:07 Okay. How are they? 23:10 How are they with these new attitudes 23:12 that you guys having accepted? 23:14 You know, he's glad 23:16 that I'm not continuing to argue and fuss with him 23:19 about washing up or how he smells, so... 23:23 And I'm trying my best just to calm down more 23:26 and always have something to fuss about. 23:28 So I can check that off my list. 23:31 But I've learned through some of the things you've said, 23:34 "Don't just keep at them all the time. 23:36 Sit and talk, and try other methods of getting them 23:41 to understand what's important." 23:43 Can you see how Satan will rob you of the joy 23:45 of being a parent 23:47 if all you do is discipline, discipline, 23:49 discipline, fuss, fuss, fuss? 23:51 You know, and by the time you're 18, 23:53 there is no relationship. 23:55 Your influence for Christ has been ruined 23:57 because we've been focusing on if they're clean enough, 24:00 if the house is clean enough, 24:01 but now on if they love the Lord. 24:04 So now we can add that in there now, 24:06 you know, praying with them 24:07 and spending more time with them. 24:08 Did you do any of it? A little bit, yeah. 24:10 We did spend more time with them, you know, because... 24:12 And what about prayer? Prayer also. 24:15 We've been trying to, 24:17 you know, like pray in the mornings with them 24:18 before they leave, 24:19 and then we've been trying to like have family worship 24:21 in the evenings when they come in. 24:24 So it has really made 24:25 a big difference, it really has. 24:27 Right. Right. 24:29 Things that could blow up, don't. 24:30 Good. Yeah. 24:32 That's very good. 24:33 And one of the things as far as my son's hygiene, 24:36 he told me, he said, 24:37 "Mom, I've been getting picked 24:39 for the sports teams at school now." 24:43 And I think before he was always sad 24:45 and kind of a loner 24:46 because nobody would pick him for their team. 24:48 Kind of like line a some... 24:50 Yeah, exactly. "That little dirty one." 24:54 Right. Right. 24:55 So you are... 24:57 What other kind of changes do you see in them? 25:00 I mean, he's actually getting social friendships and stuff. 25:04 Self-confidence, the self-esteem. 25:05 Self-confidence, yes. His self-esteem is raised. 25:07 His self-esteem has raised a little higher? 25:09 Yes. Yeah. 25:10 Now for the big question, what about you two? 25:13 The last time you were here, 25:14 oh my goodness, it was a battle. 25:18 We're calm. We are. And, you know what? 25:20 Because we have these tools now to help with the children, 25:23 it makes the whole house more peaceful. 25:25 We get along better. 25:27 You know, 'cause we're not at each other. 25:28 I'm not always, 25:29 "Stop calling your daughter fat and chunky." 25:31 Some of this, you have to remember though. 25:33 We've been this way for while, 25:35 so it takes a minute to really remember the tools, 25:40 to use the tools. 25:42 So that means there's been a few slip ups sometimes? 25:44 Every now and then, 25:46 then I have to kind of check myself. 25:47 I mean, we are still married people, 25:49 so, you know... 25:51 Yeah. 25:52 It's not going to be perfect all the time, you know. 25:54 True. 25:55 But as long as we're moving forward, 25:57 then I see that as a definite positive. 25:59 Okay, all right. 26:01 So I wanted to ask you about building in success. 26:04 And I heard you say something earlier 26:06 where you gave her shorter assignments, 26:09 smaller assignments, and maybe just said 26:11 pick out red color, which is phenomenal. 26:14 That's a very good idea. 26:15 So are there any other ways 26:18 that you're building in success, 26:19 even giving her fruit that builds in success too? 26:22 Well, one thing, if you looked at the video, the clothes, 26:27 we just didn't really recognize that they had to... 26:30 We need to buy some different clothes 26:32 'cause they are going to school and they get teased 26:33 by the high water pants or whatever. 26:35 So that helped too. Okay. All right. 26:37 Yes, and in relation to that, I took my daughter to the mall, 26:42 and let her pick out some things that she liked. 26:44 Oh, okay. 26:46 You guys are really loosening into that bolt now. 26:47 Yeah. Okay. 26:49 So, you know, she was more comfortable in her skin, 26:52 so to speak. 26:53 Well, our time is up, can you believe that? 26:55 Wow. 26:56 But let's have a very brief prayer 26:58 'cause I always like to give God glory 26:59 for His healing and restoring the powers to our families. 27:02 Most Honorable Father, 27:04 we're just so thankful that You are a good God 27:06 and that You give us wisdom on what to do, 27:08 simple strategies, Father, 27:10 that can make a big difference in family lives. 27:12 So, Lord, we ask 27:13 that you continue to restore this family 27:16 so that each person will be found 27:17 in heaven with You. 27:19 In Jesus' name we pray, amen. 27:20 Amen. Amen. 27:21 Very good. Thank you for coming today. 27:24 Thank you. 27:28 Parents, you must be willing to look at your behavior 27:31 and evaluate what could be done better. 27:34 If you aren't willing to look at yourselves, 27:37 it will be difficult for your children 27:39 to be willing to look at themselves. 27:41 The most important thing we can do for our children 27:44 is to be honest about ourselves 27:46 and change poor parenting strategies. 27:49 They will learn that it is safe to look at their behavior 27:52 and make changes for the better. 27:54 So instead of blaming 27:56 and pointing fingers at the other spouse, 27:59 maybe we can take an objective look 28:01 and see exactly what we are doing 28:03 that may contribute to the problem. 28:05 And then secondly, 28:06 maybe we can actually listen to our children. 28:10 It may be that they can give us some cues 28:12 that can let us know what we can change. |
Revised 2018-05-17