Pumped Up Parents

Create Positive Memories

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript



Series Code: PUP

Program Code: PUP000008A

00:02 Justina, you are too fat for that outfit.
00:04 Girl, go put on that sweat suit I bought you.
00:06 It had some of that fetch you got going on.
00:08 Well, I am getting a little big.
00:11 Little big?
00:13 You've outgrown all of your clothes.
00:15 Jerry, I don't know. You're not talking.
00:17 I have to tell you to take another shower every day,
00:19 and you still smell funky.
00:21 That's because I'm becoming a man.
00:23 Want to see my chest hair? Ew, no, no, no.
00:25 That is plainly because you stank.
00:29 Jerry, your daddy is a full grown man,
00:31 and he doesn't smell like that.
00:33 Justina, honey, go change your clothes
00:34 while I take care of breakfast dishes for you.
00:37 Where's my little chunky girl? Here I am, Daddy.
00:40 Hey! What's up, dude?
00:43 What's up, dad? What's going on?
00:45 Oh, goodness. Is that you?
00:47 Dad, I just got out the shower.
00:49 Dude, go take another shower, and you soap this time.
00:52 Justina, separate those clothes, please.
00:55 George, oh, no, she can't do that by herself.
00:57 I'll do it.
00:58 Justina, you go have yourself another snack, girl.
01:00 You act like I can't do anything right.
01:03 Girl, you remember the last time
01:05 you did the laundry, and you mixed the red shirt
01:06 in with the white clothes and turned everything pink?
01:09 I only did that once, I didn't mean to.
01:11 I'm so sorry.
01:13 Justina, go get your snack
01:14 while your mother does your clothes.
02:01 Thanks for letting us put this camera in your home
02:03 so we can capture what's really happening there.
02:06 So how are things going now? More of the same.
02:10 Our son stinks all the time. Mm-hm.
02:14 And, you know, my daughter,
02:16 she just doesn't do things for herself,
02:19 you know, and she doesn't get things completed.
02:22 So I feel like I have to take over
02:23 and get them done for her.
02:24 Yes.
02:26 Just tired talking about the same things all the time.
02:29 They just don't seem to get it ever.
02:30 Okay.
02:32 What are you saying over and over again?
02:33 Well, just the same,
02:34 just what you saw on that video.
02:36 "Why do you keep stinking?"
02:37 Every day, I've shown him how to take care of himself.
02:41 He's got the odor in,
02:42 he knows how to brush his teeth,
02:44 "But why do I keep smelling your breath and your underarms?
02:47 What is the problem?"
02:48 It's like he just don't care, you know.
02:49 And I don't know, I would think he would be bothered at school
02:52 that somebody would say something at school
02:53 to make him feel bad, but he doesn't even care.
02:56 Yeah. He doesn't care.
02:57 Okay.
02:59 So what have you done
03:02 to try to resolve this situation?
03:04 Keep telling him that he stinks.
03:06 I have made him take a bath three times a day sometimes.
03:09 Okay. And it doesn't even matter.
03:10 I don't know what's going on with him.
03:13 I don't think really that he's taking a bath.
03:14 I think, you know, I run the water for him
03:16 and he closes the door.
03:17 And I don't even think he's getting in the water.
03:18 No, it can't be. Okay.
03:20 So well, after reviewing the video,
03:24 did you see anything
03:25 that you might be contributing unknowingly
03:27 to the situation?
03:29 I take baths. How can I contribute?
03:30 Okay.
03:32 Well, I mean, anything that may contribute
03:35 to their being unwilling to do.
03:39 Well, I mean, you know,
03:40 if my daughter doesn't move fast enough,
03:42 I just do stuff for her,
03:43 but I don't see anything really wrong with that.
03:44 I mean...
03:46 Just got to get done. You know?
03:47 Did you hear what your daughter said?
03:49 What?
03:50 On the video, did you hear what she's saying?
03:52 Well, she said a few things, what?
03:53 Okay, she said,
03:55 "You act like I can't do anything right."
03:58 Hmm. Did you hear that?
03:59 I haven't seen it. Have you seen it?
04:02 Well, I never told her that. Well.
04:03 I mean, I don't know why she would even say that.
04:05 Well, I think she's speaking to her feelings.
04:09 Well.
04:10 So it's not what you have said to her but apparently,
04:14 what you have done makes her feel
04:16 as if she can't do anything right.
04:19 How could she feel that way if I just do it?
04:20 That I don't think
04:21 we have anything to do with her.
04:23 Right. We give her a chance. We keep giving her chores.
04:25 She just doesn't do them right. Yeah.
04:29 So that seems pretty frustrating for you.
04:31 It is very frustrating.
04:32 Okay, and then you...
04:34 You know, I want children that fit in with society,
04:38 that can get their work done, like if they go to a job,
04:40 they can get their work done
04:41 if they're given a task to do it,
04:42 they can get it done on time. That girl can don't keep a job.
04:44 She's not going to keep a job.
04:46 Can't even do things we asked her to do.
04:48 All right, let me ask you,
04:49 is there anything that she does
04:53 for herself and does correctly?
04:57 Not much, but I mean...
04:58 I can't think of anything.
05:00 She will try to keep her room clean sometimes.
05:02 Okay.
05:03 And so she does that sometimes without asking you?
05:06 Mm-hm. Does she do without your help?
05:09 Yeah, sometimes she does. And does she do it pretty well?
05:12 No, I don't think she does a good job at all.
05:14 There's still stuff.
05:15 Every time she does it,
05:17 I can go in that room and see plenty of things
05:18 that should be done.
05:19 Mm-hm. So how old is she again?
05:22 She's 12.
05:23 Okay, so we know
05:25 we're not expecting a 12-year-old to do it
05:27 the way like a 25-year-old does.
05:29 But if I've shown her, why wouldn't she know?
05:32 Well, you haven't shown her anything
05:34 'cause you don't pick up anything yourself, so anyway...
05:36 You know what? You know what? This is about the child.
05:39 I have tried to help her and say,
05:41 "You know, Justina,
05:43 there's still stuff on the floor
05:44 or there's stuff under your bed
05:45 that you need to put away, you know."
05:48 I want you just really kind of slow it down
05:50 and think about the video what you saw.
05:54 Is there anything you may do
05:58 that may contribute to her not knowing how to do it
06:02 or his being unwilling to clean himself up?
06:04 Well, she keeps doing it for her.
06:06 She didn't make her do it.
06:08 In that video, she went and did her work for her.
06:11 But that's just because she couldn't do it fast enough.
06:12 No, no.
06:14 So, you know, you didn't make her do it.
06:16 I keep telling her that. Maybe I need to make you do it.
06:17 How about that?
06:19 No, no, the work needs to be done to them,
06:20 for them, not you do it, they do it.
06:22 Well, why don't you jump in and help sometimes?
06:24 So what do you think would happen
06:25 if you allowed her to do?
06:27 Yeah, what do you think?
06:30 Well, she'd probably half do it.
06:33 So you think she'll half do her work?
06:35 Mm-hm. Okay.
06:36 So then, what if, at that point,
06:38 you stepped in and gave her a few more directives,
06:42 not orders but directives?
06:45 It might work, I don't know.
06:47 I mean, I haven't really tried that.
06:48 Okay, so...
06:50 And stop looking at me like that.
06:51 Tell... Keep telling her.
06:52 You act like you know what to do.
06:54 Keep telling her? She needs to hear all of this.
06:55 Tell her.
06:57 So since he was able to find what you did incorrectly,
07:00 maybe you can tell him something
07:01 that he could improve on.
07:03 Oh, there's nothing I need to correct at all.
07:04 You know what?
07:05 He's the man of the house,
07:07 he's got a son growing up under him,
07:08 and the boy is funky all the time.
07:09 And there is no reason for that.
07:11 You know what?
07:12 I can understand that a little bit more
07:14 if there was no man in the house,
07:15 but there is a man in the house
07:16 and the child is funky all the time.
07:18 I tell him. Okay.
07:19 So now you know that he is 12 years old.
07:22 Well, he's only 11.
07:23 Oh, okay, I keep forgetting them.
07:26 Well, listen, there has to be some education here.
07:30 Eleven-year-olds are not known to want to take baths,
07:33 that's a developmental process.
07:34 That's what a man is for. He has a father in the house.
07:37 And this is the process of learning.
07:39 There is a process that goes,
07:41 he's not going to be able to tell him once
07:43 and then your son is just going to do it.
07:45 He keeps saying, he's told him over and over...
07:46 But let's look at...
07:48 But he needs to do more than tell him.
07:49 I told him.
07:51 Well, let's look at what the real problem is.
07:52 He's not motivated to take a bath.
07:54 He's not motivated to be clean.
07:56 She's not concerned about doing things right.
08:01 She doesn't care about doing things right.
08:03 So we're talking about a lack of motivation,
08:06 and that's where we're going.
08:08 How is this happening? What's going on?
08:10 And we looked at that video.
08:12 And so we're going to really do some digging inside.
08:14 Is there anything at all that you can see
08:18 or saw on the video that may say, "Hmm.
08:22 I'm doing this.
08:23 This may contribute just a tiny bit."
08:25 It doesn't cause it.
08:27 And I want you to dig within yourself.
08:31 I didn't say to look at him and decide what he's doing
08:35 or you look at her and decide what she's doing,
08:37 what are you doing that may contribute
08:39 just a teeny-weeny tiny bit?
08:41 I don't know what else I can say.
08:42 He called our daughter fat.
08:44 He called her fat and chunky all the time.
08:45 So that's telling things.
08:46 Okay, so that bothers you that he says that?
08:49 Of course, why wouldn't that bother her?
08:50 Well, let me ask, so do you think
08:52 that might bother her a little bit
08:54 if you're calling her chunky...
08:56 And I mean I saw her reply to you
08:58 in a very loving way, but do you think,
09:00 on some level, it may affect her?
09:02 I want to bother her
09:03 so she will stop eating so much.
09:05 Okay, so you've...
09:06 Oh, so you're thinking that
09:08 you're going to motivate her by saying that.
09:09 Yes. Oh!
09:10 Step away from the table sometimes.
09:12 You know what?
09:13 You need to worry about our son.
09:14 Let me worry about out daughter.
09:16 Let me worry about our daughter.
09:17 You need to take care of his funkiness.
09:19 It is his daughter too.
09:20 So what are you doing that may make just a tiny bit?
09:24 And we're not saying
09:25 you're causing all of the problems.
09:27 Stop looking at me like that. What are you doing?
09:28 Stop looking at me like that. What are you doing?
09:30 Just a tiny bit, just a little bit.
09:32 Well, you know what? Sometimes I step in.
09:34 I don't really give her a chance to do something.
09:37 Bingo!
09:38 Thank you, that's just...
09:39 And I know that you're doing that
09:41 because you want to help her
09:42 and you want to show her exactly how it's done.
09:43 I mean, I want to teach her how to get it done right.
09:46 That's not the way. You know, how to do it right.
09:47 Okay, all right.
09:49 So we're moving a little bit, okay?
09:51 So let me ask you, supposing to get you,
09:54 would you like to lose a little weight at all?
09:56 Everybody apparently wants...
09:57 He needs to lose a lot of weight,
09:59 not little weight.
10:00 Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
10:02 So suppose I came to your house
10:03 and I sat at the table watching you eat,
10:05 and you went to reach for another roll, and I...
10:08 and said...
10:09 "No, you're chunky." You want me to do that to him?
10:11 That's what I should do to my daughter, I mean.
10:12 I'm asking.
10:13 No, well, just think about how that would make you feel?
10:15 "You're chunky enough, you're fat enough.
10:17 You don't need another roll." How would that make you feel?
10:20 I wish you would come and do that.
10:22 I need to make her feel that way.
10:24 No, but how would you feel?
10:26 Will it make you feel like, "Yeah, I'm so happy this woman
10:29 came to my house and sat at my table"?
10:31 No.
10:32 What would you probably say to me?
10:34 "Leave me alone, this is my food.
10:36 I bought this." And what are your feelings?
10:38 I'm angry. Angry.
10:40 And what else? Upset.
10:43 "I want to eat, you know, you're bothering me."
10:45 Right. And maybe a little sad?
10:48 Maybe 'cause you pointed out something that, you know...
10:52 Maybe like, "I'm not very handsome
10:54 or I'm not cute or is something wrong with me?"
10:55 He knows he needs to push back from the table.
10:57 He already knows all that.
10:59 You know, she's talking to me. She's talking to me!
11:01 Okay.
11:03 So you make sure you told him that.
11:04 Yes, I have told him.
11:05 Yeah, she's telling me a whole lot of things.
11:07 You know, she's looking at him.
11:08 Our kids are looking at him. She's looking at him.
11:09 She watches him eat.
11:11 You don't think she's watching you eat?
11:12 Sure.
11:14 Well, not as far as being chunky, no.
11:16 Okay, all right. So let's go back to this.
11:21 What have you done to try to resolve the problem?
11:25 I know you showed him
11:26 how to bath and I know you step in for her.
11:30 What else have you tried? Anything else?
11:32 Well, I mean, I've talked to her,
11:33 you know, and I have made him go back
11:35 and take more than one bath.
11:37 Well, I don't know what he does
11:39 when he closes the bathroom door
11:40 because he comes out still funky so, you know.
11:44 So tell me the method of teaching you did
11:46 when you were teaching him to take a bath.
11:49 Well, I just showed him how to wash.
11:50 I told him every day, every day.
11:53 When you say you showed him how to wash,
11:55 were you in bathroom with him?
11:56 Yeah, we actually took a shower.
11:58 He was younger. Okay.
11:59 We used to take showers,
12:01 and I would show him what he needs to do.
12:02 Okay.
12:04 Well...
12:05 I bought him special body washes
12:06 and all those kinds of things.
12:08 I told him he was too young
12:10 to understand at that point of time.
12:11 He knows how to use washcloth.
12:12 You know, he was just a baby then.
12:15 He didn't know, I mean, he was a toddler.
12:16 Oh, okay.
12:18 Was he that young, just like...
12:19 He was young. He was very young.
12:20 Oh, okay.
12:22 Well, you know, children forget.
12:23 And so maybe it's time to revisit that skill for him.
12:26 That's what we call a living skill.
12:28 So, you know, you can.
12:30 And also those products you were talking about,
12:34 you can show him how to lavish
12:36 that on himself and make him so...
12:38 And, you know, he has told me
12:40 before that there's some of that stuff
12:41 you've got him irritates his skin, but you don't listen.
12:44 I tried to tell you
12:45 that you get him something different,
12:47 maybe something more natural or something
12:49 that would not irritate his skin.
12:50 He's making excuses. Excuses. Okay.
12:52 Now, you know, that is something
12:54 that could be considered.
12:56 It might be an excuse.
12:57 But we give them every opportunity.
13:00 You need to really write that down.
13:01 That's a strategy,
13:03 give children every opportunity to succeed, every opportunity.
13:08 So if he says it's irritating to his skin,
13:11 we try something different.
13:13 Have you ever looked at his skin to see
13:15 if it was irritating?
13:16 No.
13:18 Well, you know what, every time since he was a baby,
13:20 he had sensitive skin.
13:21 And so like with metal
13:23 or something will touch his skin,
13:24 he would break out and stuff.
13:25 I try to tell him that
13:27 that the boy has sensitive skin.
13:28 Boy, they makeup some good excuses.
13:29 He buys him that same stuff
13:31 that he gets which is for a full grown man.
13:32 Would you say
13:34 that your son makes excuses sometimes for what he's doing?
13:39 Yes, he does. He does.
13:40 So then it would be easy for him
13:42 to come to that conclusion
13:44 that this is probably another excuse.
13:45 Yes. Yes. So that's understandable.
13:47 I still want to reiterate,
13:49 he's 11, and there are some developmental things
13:52 going on here.
13:53 This is not an abnormal situation
13:56 for an 11-year-old.
13:57 It can be resolved pretty quickly and easily.
14:00 But this, the other problem of being unmotivated
14:03 may not be resolved easily.
14:05 So I want to go to here, how do this...
14:09 The way you'd step in
14:11 and the way you kind of tell her chunky
14:13 and tell him he stinks,
14:16 how do you think that's affecting them
14:17 on the inside?
14:19 How they view themselves? How they feel about themselves?
14:22 They probably feel like they can't do anything right.
14:23 I've never really thought about it?
14:25 They can't wait for losing, you know.
14:28 You've never thought about it? No, I never did.
14:29 Well, now that we're talking about it,
14:31 what do you think now?
14:33 I'm sure they don't like it. I'm sure of that.
14:36 All right.
14:38 If we tell him to take a bath again,
14:39 and he still comes out funky,
14:42 then he just probably feels like we don't really understand
14:45 or we don't really care or no matter what he does,
14:48 we're going to fuss about it.
14:49 So do you see that what you have been doing
14:52 is not really changing anything?
14:55 Well, that's true.
14:56 You know, I mean, you calling her chunky,
14:58 et cetera.
14:59 That's true. True.
15:01 Well, I know this
15:02 that you said something on the video about,
15:04 "You know that clothes are too small for you," right?
15:07 Or, you know, you can probably change that,
15:10 "No, that you're too big for those clothes."
15:12 You can probably change
15:13 that around because it's normal.
15:15 She's supposed to grow up, right?
15:17 Yeah. Okay.
15:18 And body shaming, saying she's too fat can lead
15:21 to some major problems like bulimia, anorexia.
15:24 We're not trying to do that, correct?
15:26 No. No. Oh, okay.
15:28 So, you know, "The dress is too small now.
15:30 We have to buy a new one." It's simple.
15:33 You don't even have to say that,
15:34 let's give that one away, it's not...
15:36 Well, I mean, I've told her to take out all those clothes
15:38 that she can't fit anymore, and we'll just give them away,
15:40 but she's too lazy to do that.
15:42 So we are going to watch what we're saying
15:46 because body shaming
15:48 is really a very serious problem.
15:50 Fat, chunky, that kind of stuff,
15:53 we want to avoid doing that, don't say that.
15:55 Can you say that one more time so that he will get it?
15:57 I heard her. I heard it.
15:58 So let's... Our time is running out.
16:00 Let's get a few strategies in for next week, okay?
16:03 So the first thing we already said
16:05 was let's just make it easy for children
16:07 to be successful, okay?
16:08 All right.
16:10 If you're concerned about your daughter's weight,
16:12 I noticed how when you took over her job,
16:16 then you told her to go get a snack.
16:19 Okay, so we don't want to try to soothe her with food.
16:23 She's going to self-soothe by eating,
16:26 and that's not a good thing either.
16:28 I never thought about that. Okay.
16:30 Another thing is we want to not take over her job.
16:35 If you feel she can't do it, then make sure
16:38 that you give her a task that she can do.
16:41 We want to build in success.
16:44 So you can say,
16:45 "Would you get all the red clothes out?"
16:47 She knows the color red,
16:48 and that can be what she does, okay?
16:51 So because if she's attention deficit disorder,
16:54 separating colors is a big job for her,
16:56 it's hard 'cause that's an organizational process.
16:59 So you want to just make sure
17:01 that you just make it simple and easy.
17:04 All right, well, we really are out of time,
17:06 and let's try next week when we come,
17:09 let's see how these strategies have worked.
17:10 Okay? Okay.
17:11 Okay. All right. Take care.
17:13 Mm-hmm.
17:16 So how are you guys doing today?
17:18 We're doing pretty good today. We are good, yep.
17:20 Oh! I love to hear that. That sounds great to me.
17:22 So how are things going at home?
17:24 Much better. Yes, they are.
17:26 Much better. Mm-hmm.
17:27 We took some of your suggestions,
17:29 and put them into practice,
17:30 and then we talked to some people at church.
17:32 Good. Good.
17:33 You know, some of our friends
17:34 and they gave us some ideas to try.
17:36 Okay, that sounds great.
17:38 Well, thanks a lot for allowing us
17:40 to put the camera in your home.
17:42 And we're going to just take a look at what we see,
17:44 and see what we've captured
17:46 on how you've been using those strategies.
17:47 Okay. Let's see what's there.
17:52 Hi, pretty girl. Hi, mom.
17:56 How's my handsome son today? Good.
17:59 How do you think I look in this outfit?
18:01 Well, honey, I think
18:03 that that has got a little itsy-bitsy on you.
18:05 I like the blue one on you better.
18:07 I'm going to get on my clothes too, Mom.
18:09 These pants are too short. You know what?
18:11 You're both growing up like wild beanstalks.
18:13 We're just kind going to have to go shopping and buy you
18:14 some new clothes.
18:16 Where is my little princess? Hi, Daddy.
18:18 Hey. And how is my hero today?
18:21 I'm good. Is that cologne I smell on you?
18:23 Yeah, Dad.
18:25 It's the cologne that you bought me
18:26 for my birthday.
18:27 I use it every time I take a shower.
18:29 Good. Good.
18:30 Justina, after you clean your room,
18:32 we're going to go to the park.
18:33 You've got really, really good at cleaning up your room.
18:36 So I know it won't take you long.
18:38 Okay. Not so fast, honey.
18:40 Remember I told you to separate your clothes
18:42 for the laundry first.
18:43 Yes.
18:45 What two things that you do really well
18:46 the last time you did your laundry?
18:48 Separate my whites from my colors,
18:50 and then put them by the washer.
18:52 Very good.
18:53 Now don't forget, do not put anything red in
18:56 with the white clothes.
18:57 Remember what happened the last time.
18:59 Yes, and I won't do that again. I promise.
19:02 Okay.
19:07 Wow! Absolutely amazing.
19:12 I could actually see
19:13 some of the strategies and guess what,
19:15 stuff I did not say to you you were doing.
19:18 So let me ask you which of those strategies
19:21 that you were using did you like the best.
19:24 Well, one of the things
19:25 was I gave my daughter smaller tasks to do.
19:28 Okay.
19:29 And so, you know, one of the things was,
19:31 "Okay, make sure all the red clothes
19:33 are out of the way first."
19:34 Good. Good.
19:36 And so she did that and then, you know,
19:37 I just kind of just check it over to make sure
19:40 'cause we don't want
19:41 all of the white stuff turning out pink again, you know.
19:44 Correct. Correct.
19:45 But I didn't say anything to her about that.
19:46 I just let her separate out the reds,
19:48 and then I would just check just to make sure.
19:50 Okay, man!
19:52 So how did you feel doing it that way?
19:54 It really didn't bother me.
19:56 And I saw that she was much happier, you know.
19:58 And she felt like she could accomplish something,
20:02 you know, without me stepping in, you know.
20:04 Okay. Very good. Good.
20:05 So how about you?
20:07 Which strategy was best for you?
20:08 Well, I had to calm down first of all.
20:11 We had a little talk.
20:12 And I was just trying to explaining to him
20:13 how important it is for a really good hygiene.
20:17 Okay.
20:18 So we went to the store,
20:20 and we picked out some other things
20:21 that might not irritate his skin,
20:24 more natural products.
20:26 And he also went down aisle that had colognes.
20:30 So I just saw on the video,
20:32 he picked out something he liked
20:34 and wanted to smell like, and so he's been using it,
20:37 and I haven't really had to talk to him about it.
20:39 And I'm telling you, it's been night and day
20:42 'cause I actually can be around him now
20:44 and, you know, the smell...
20:45 Ugh. Yeah.
20:46 Well, I saw some other strategies
20:48 you guys were using.
20:50 For example, you changed the word chunky to princess.
20:54 You put a nice affectionate word in there,
20:57 and that was pretty nice.
20:58 She seemed to respond very well to that.
21:00 She did. Okay.
21:01 And then I saw you, you were saying
21:05 that you allowed her to assess herself,
21:06 you know, see what she's doing well,
21:08 that's really nice.
21:10 And then what about you parent a good thing
21:12 with the bad thing?
21:14 For example, you say,
21:16 "When you clean your bedroom, we'll go to the park."
21:20 So the good thing is going to the park, a little reward,
21:23 after she finishes her bedroom.
21:25 Right. Right. That was really smart.
21:26 Yeah, because they still have to do the things
21:29 we've asked to do, you know.
21:30 Exactly.
21:31 But there is something good on the other side of it.
21:33 Yeah, she does a much more thorough job now if we say,
21:36 "Okay, once you're done
21:38 with what we've asked you to do,
21:39 we'll do something
21:40 that you've been asking us to do."
21:42 I don't really think they realize
21:43 we're really trying to structure them,
21:45 so when they get out of our house,
21:46 when they move out,
21:48 they'll be used to a clean home.
21:50 Now children, you see, they have one day at a time.
21:52 They are not even thinking about the future.
21:55 So they're just thinking about playing, and eating,
21:58 and pleasing their parents, and just being happy,
22:00 you know, that sort of natural desires
22:02 to just enjoy life, you know.
22:04 So and like you said,
22:06 you want to mingle that with teaching skills,
22:08 you know, as they go along.
22:10 And I think you're doing a good job over there.
22:12 Another thing that I did too was I switched out like
22:16 just regular snack-y snack stuff
22:18 for more healthier things, you know.
22:19 Oh good!
22:21 And more fruit and, you know, raw things and stuff like that.
22:25 And so that she doesn't have...
22:27 If she decides she needs herself medicated,
22:30 at least there's healthy things around her.
22:31 You mean to self-soothe? Self-soothe.
22:34 Or self-medicate I guess, yeah. That is so nice.
22:38 Now, you know what, that's a really good idea.
22:40 And, you know, that keeps you
22:42 from having to count the bags of potato chips.
22:44 I mean, it's like people are,
22:46 "I bought a whole thing of potato chips
22:47 and they ate the whole thing."
22:48 Of course, they eat
22:50 the whole thing 'cause it's there.
22:51 And, you know what,
22:52 now I don't find like candy wrappers
22:54 and things up under her bed, in her room, you know.
22:56 Okay.
22:57 Because you don't have to monitor all of the apples,
23:00 I mean, she's only going to eat so many of those.
23:02 Her teeth, you know,
23:03 jaws gonna get tired of chomping on that.
23:05 So, you know, that's pretty good.
23:07 Okay. How are they?
23:10 How are they with these new attitudes
23:12 that you guys having accepted?
23:14 You know, he's glad
23:16 that I'm not continuing to argue and fuss with him
23:19 about washing up or how he smells, so...
23:23 And I'm trying my best just to calm down more
23:26 and always have something to fuss about.
23:28 So I can check that off my list.
23:31 But I've learned through some of the things you've said,
23:34 "Don't just keep at them all the time.
23:36 Sit and talk, and try other methods of getting them
23:41 to understand what's important."
23:43 Can you see how Satan will rob you of the joy
23:45 of being a parent
23:47 if all you do is discipline, discipline,
23:49 discipline, fuss, fuss, fuss?
23:51 You know, and by the time you're 18,
23:53 there is no relationship.
23:55 Your influence for Christ has been ruined
23:57 because we've been focusing on if they're clean enough,
24:00 if the house is clean enough,
24:01 but now on if they love the Lord.
24:04 So now we can add that in there now,
24:06 you know, praying with them
24:07 and spending more time with them.
24:08 Did you do any of it? A little bit, yeah.
24:10 We did spend more time with them, you know, because...
24:12 And what about prayer? Prayer also.
24:15 We've been trying to,
24:17 you know, like pray in the mornings with them
24:18 before they leave,
24:19 and then we've been trying to like have family worship
24:21 in the evenings when they come in.
24:24 So it has really made
24:25 a big difference, it really has.
24:27 Right. Right.
24:29 Things that could blow up, don't.
24:30 Good. Yeah.
24:32 That's very good.
24:33 And one of the things as far as my son's hygiene,
24:36 he told me, he said,
24:37 "Mom, I've been getting picked
24:39 for the sports teams at school now."
24:43 And I think before he was always sad
24:45 and kind of a loner
24:46 because nobody would pick him for their team.
24:48 Kind of like line a some...
24:50 Yeah, exactly. "That little dirty one."
24:54 Right. Right.
24:55 So you are...
24:57 What other kind of changes do you see in them?
25:00 I mean, he's actually getting social friendships and stuff.
25:04 Self-confidence, the self-esteem.
25:05 Self-confidence, yes. His self-esteem is raised.
25:07 His self-esteem has raised a little higher?
25:09 Yes. Yeah.
25:10 Now for the big question, what about you two?
25:13 The last time you were here,
25:14 oh my goodness, it was a battle.
25:18 We're calm. We are. And, you know what?
25:20 Because we have these tools now to help with the children,
25:23 it makes the whole house more peaceful.
25:25 We get along better.
25:27 You know, 'cause we're not at each other.
25:28 I'm not always,
25:29 "Stop calling your daughter fat and chunky."
25:31 Some of this, you have to remember though.
25:33 We've been this way for while,
25:35 so it takes a minute to really remember the tools,
25:40 to use the tools.
25:42 So that means there's been a few slip ups sometimes?
25:44 Every now and then,
25:46 then I have to kind of check myself.
25:47 I mean, we are still married people,
25:49 so, you know...
25:51 Yeah.
25:52 It's not going to be perfect all the time, you know.
25:54 True.
25:55 But as long as we're moving forward,
25:57 then I see that as a definite positive.
25:59 Okay, all right.
26:01 So I wanted to ask you about building in success.
26:04 And I heard you say something earlier
26:06 where you gave her shorter assignments,
26:09 smaller assignments, and maybe just said
26:11 pick out red color, which is phenomenal.
26:14 That's a very good idea.
26:15 So are there any other ways
26:18 that you're building in success,
26:19 even giving her fruit that builds in success too?
26:22 Well, one thing, if you looked at the video, the clothes,
26:27 we just didn't really recognize that they had to...
26:30 We need to buy some different clothes
26:32 'cause they are going to school and they get teased
26:33 by the high water pants or whatever.
26:35 So that helped too. Okay. All right.
26:37 Yes, and in relation to that, I took my daughter to the mall,
26:42 and let her pick out some things that she liked.
26:44 Oh, okay.
26:46 You guys are really loosening into that bolt now.
26:47 Yeah. Okay.
26:49 So, you know, she was more comfortable in her skin,
26:52 so to speak.
26:53 Well, our time is up, can you believe that?
26:55 Wow.
26:56 But let's have a very brief prayer
26:58 'cause I always like to give God glory
26:59 for His healing and restoring the powers to our families.
27:02 Most Honorable Father,
27:04 we're just so thankful that You are a good God
27:06 and that You give us wisdom on what to do,
27:08 simple strategies, Father,
27:10 that can make a big difference in family lives.
27:12 So, Lord, we ask
27:13 that you continue to restore this family
27:16 so that each person will be found
27:17 in heaven with You.
27:19 In Jesus' name we pray, amen.
27:20 Amen. Amen.
27:21 Very good. Thank you for coming today.
27:24 Thank you.
27:28 Parents, you must be willing to look at your behavior
27:31 and evaluate what could be done better.
27:34 If you aren't willing to look at yourselves,
27:37 it will be difficult for your children
27:39 to be willing to look at themselves.
27:41 The most important thing we can do for our children
27:44 is to be honest about ourselves
27:46 and change poor parenting strategies.
27:49 They will learn that it is safe to look at their behavior
27:52 and make changes for the better.
27:54 So instead of blaming
27:56 and pointing fingers at the other spouse,
27:59 maybe we can take an objective look
28:01 and see exactly what we are doing
28:03 that may contribute to the problem.
28:05 And then secondly,
28:06 maybe we can actually listen to our children.
28:10 It may be that they can give us some cues
28:12 that can let us know what we can change.


Revised 2018-05-17