Participants:
Series Code: PUP
Program Code: PUP000009A
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00:01 I never get to go anywhere.
00:04 Jerry, this is the last time I'm going to tell you, 00:06 you are not going to that party, and I mean it. 00:08 Quit whining about that party, I'm trying to watch TV. 00:12 I don't think it's fair that I can't go to this party. 00:15 Dad, Mama won't let me go 00:16 to this party and for no reason, 00:18 she is just being mean. 00:19 Mean? 00:21 You never do anything I tell you do. 00:22 And I'm being mean? 00:23 You're always arguing, 00:25 always talking back to me like you're doing right now, 00:26 and you never finish your chores. 00:28 And remember how you broke my grandmama's china bowl. 00:32 You said it was okay about the bowl, 00:34 and plus that was three months ago. 00:36 And I haven't had any problems 00:37 with breaking things since then. 00:39 Excuse me, I never said it was okay, 00:42 and that was only two months ago, 00:43 and I don't have to let you go anywhere. 00:45 Besides, last time I let you go to a party by yourself, 00:49 you got in a fight with that fat girl's cousin. 00:51 I'm trying to watch the game! 00:54 Your daddy didn't want you to go to that party anyway. 00:56 You know what? I told you not to let him go. 00:58 George, I got this! But you insisted. 01:00 George, I got this. He started the fight. 01:44 Thanks for allowing us to... 01:45 Yeah, yeah, whatever, that was a mess. 01:46 You know what? She is a mess. 01:48 Why don't you stop acting like that? 01:49 Stop acting like that. I'm sick of her. 01:50 Oh, I'm sick of you. No respect. 01:52 No respect at all at home. 01:54 I was trying to watch TV, did you see that? 01:56 The boy needed some talk, he wanted to go to a party. 01:58 Yeah, whatever. He wanted to go to a party. 02:00 And his father is the one 02:01 that should take him to that party. 02:02 Whatever, whatever. That was crazy! That was crazy! 02:04 That was crazy! Did you put your hands on me? 02:06 Do you know what? I would do it again. 02:08 No, you won't. Yes, I will. 02:10 You know, I got the most authority. 02:12 First of all, I won't... 02:14 I can see 02:15 that we're not doing well today at all. 02:16 No, we're not. Not at all. 02:18 So let's make a ground rule here. 02:21 Let's decide what our goal is going to be. 02:23 Are we here to resolve problems? 02:25 I'm here to knock her head off 02:26 if she keeps on talking to me like that. 02:27 Excuse me, are we here... 02:29 You'll be in jail. I'm sick of it. 02:30 You'll be in jail. 02:31 Are we here resolve problems or to dissolve a marriage? 02:34 Think before you speak. I don't have to think. 02:38 Think, think about your children, 02:40 think about your goal, think about your eternal... 02:44 This is foolishness 02:45 I don't want to have to keep dealing with... 02:46 That's a lot of foolishness. 02:48 Do you really think you're going to have peace? 02:50 You're the one that adds 02:51 the foolishness into the recipe. 02:53 You're always the one. Always. 02:54 All right, well, let's talk about the problem. 02:57 Is this the problem 02:58 or are we going to talk about the children? 02:59 He's always the problem. 03:01 He's always the biggest problem in the house. 03:02 Did you see 03:03 how he was just sitting there on the couch watching TV? 03:05 I was trying to be... 03:06 He's totally uninvolved with the family. 03:08 What is me time? 03:09 You women talk about "I want me time." 03:10 What about my time? 03:12 That's how we end up with manhandling. 03:13 All he had to do was take the boy to the party. 03:15 No, all she had to do is take him out of my room. 03:16 Okay. 03:18 It sounded like you didn't want to go to the party, 03:20 but let's go back to where our goal is for therapy. 03:23 Are we here to dissolve your marriage 03:25 or will we resolve issues? 03:29 My personal prayer for this... 03:30 She is my issue, that's my issue right there. 03:31 If I have a vote... 03:33 I'm not the issue. I'm not the problem. 03:34 You are my issue. No, I'm not. 03:36 Excuse me? 03:37 If I have a vote in this matter, 03:38 which I don't, 03:40 I would prefer that we work to resolve issues. 03:42 Divorce don't always solve problems, 03:45 sometimes it brings more problems. 03:47 The children suffer little bit more, 03:49 you two suffer little bit more. 03:51 Can we commit to maybe at least six weeks in therapy 03:56 and try to resolve... 03:58 Six weeks? 03:59 I can't get him to commit to six weeks and therapy. 04:00 I can't get him to commit... 04:02 Get your hand out of my face. I told you to stop. 04:03 I'm telling you one more, you got one more time. 04:05 Okay. She got one more time. 04:06 You see? You see? One more time. 04:08 You saw him put his hand on me, didn't you? 04:10 You saw that didn't you? 04:11 This is exactly why these kids act like that 04:12 'cause disrespect. 04:14 Shut up. 04:15 Can we commit to... You know what? 04:17 Excuse me, six weeks for the sake of your children. 04:20 I have no problem with it. He's the problem. 04:22 You think I'm playing? I have no problem. 04:23 You think I'm playing? Dan, what about you? 04:27 Can you commit to six weeks? I had to drag him here. 04:31 Can you commit to six weeks? Yeah, I commit. 04:35 Now in that six weeks, 04:37 here's the ground rules, no touching. 04:39 You can't touch her in my office. 04:41 You saw that, right? 04:42 I don't want her touching me at all. 04:44 She should sleep on her side of the bed. 04:45 No. 04:46 I'm saying in my office, no touching, especially, 04:49 while you're angry. 04:50 Can we commit to that? I can. 04:53 Can you commit to that, Dan. I'm fine. Yes. 04:55 Okay, no touching, 04:57 no putting your hands or invading his personal space 05:00 with your hands and fingers and thumbs. 05:02 That's right. That's right. 05:03 Can you commit to that? Yeah, I can commit to that. 05:05 Okay, because we can't get anything done... 05:08 I'm not the problem. Yes, I can commit to that. 05:10 Okay, it's a problem for him. Shut you up. 05:13 Shut up. You won't be a problem? 05:16 Another thing. 05:17 Two rules, the third rule is no threats. 05:22 I think I almost heard you... 05:23 No threats, baby, it's a promise. 05:25 Okay, no promises in here. You don't keep your promises. 05:28 I guess I get nothing to worry about there. 05:30 Whatever. 05:32 Now if I see any of these behaviors, 05:34 then we will start therapy. 05:38 Can you commit to that? I will. 05:41 It's for my kids, I love my kids. 05:42 Yes. Okay. 05:44 Thank you. 05:45 And you guys are Christians? I am. 05:48 And you guys are Christians? Yes. I go to church. 05:50 Okay, all right. He's a Hebrew. 05:53 So let's remember Christ-like behavior. 05:57 Say that one more time. In my office, we're Christians. 06:02 In my office. Okay, so there's no threats. 06:05 What happened to love, joy, peace, long suffering, 06:08 which means that... 06:10 He don't know nothing about that. 06:11 I put up with other people's stuff 06:14 without retaliate... 06:16 His Bible has 12 inches dust on top of it. 06:18 No. 06:19 Let's get to the issue that brought you here 06:23 which no one on the phone told me 06:25 that we were fussing and fighting. 06:26 You said the children had a problem. 06:28 They do. They fuss and fight. 06:29 Tell me what's going on now. 06:31 They fuss and fight like cats and dogs. 06:34 They don't really fight with each other, 06:35 they talk to each other in the old kind of way, 06:37 call each other all out of their names like 06:38 he does with me. 06:40 And when I pull them apart, they go right back together. 06:42 Okay. No respect at all. None. 06:44 So when they go back together, they're not like... 06:46 Sometimes children fight, then they play 06:48 or they're fighting and then fighting. 06:49 No, just fighting and they fight. 06:51 No, they don't play out. Okay. 06:52 There's no playing. 06:53 On a daily basis, 06:55 how many fights were they having? 06:56 They're fighting all the time 06:57 when they come home from school. 06:59 Yes, it's always an argument. 07:00 In the morning, I had to shut them up 07:01 to get them ready for school. 07:03 Okay, okay. 07:04 You know, they're fighting over the bathroom, 07:06 they're fighting over this and fighting over there. 07:07 Banging on doors and... 07:08 Okay. Yes. 07:10 Now I really do want to reiterate our rules, 07:11 no touching, no violating physical space. 07:13 And no promises in here, okay? 07:16 No promises? Promises to hurt. 07:18 No promises at all. Right? You heard that? 07:20 And I'll be talking about it. Okay, right? 07:22 You heard that? Right? 07:23 Right? Mm-hm. 07:25 And then there is a consequence for that. 07:26 We will have to stop decision at that point, okay? 07:30 Okay. 07:31 I just want to reiterate that because I know, of course, 07:33 you want the best for you children. 07:35 And of course, you're feeling a whole lot of frustration 07:38 and aggravation but if... 07:40 You have no idea. 07:41 If you could just put aside 07:42 your personal differences at this point, 07:44 later we can talk about them. 07:46 And let's try to get some of this out, all right? 07:49 So you're saying 07:50 they're arguing like cats and dogs 07:52 and they're fighting each other and calling each other names, 07:56 do they fistfight? 07:57 Oh, yes. It's not fist. 07:58 It's just wrestling and tussling and pulling... 08:01 I mean actually hitting? I've seen her hit him. 08:04 Yes. You've seen her hit him? 08:05 Yes. Okay. 08:06 I mean, but it's not like 08:08 a fistfight fight like that, you know? 08:09 Not yet. 08:11 No actually it's pushing and shoving. 08:12 Can I ask you something have this been progressive? 08:14 Maybe you just started bickering, and arguing, 08:17 and now it's touching each other. 08:19 Probably so. 08:20 But all I can remember as far back as I can remember 08:23 they've been always at each other. 08:26 They seem like they never liked each other. 08:27 Okay. 08:28 Well, we just saw... 08:30 You know, we raise him, they both in the same house, 08:31 they both get the same advantages, you know? 08:32 Right, you decide things for them. 08:35 Well, we just saw on the son in there this time. 08:38 But yeah, okay, so I see he was fussing with you 08:41 and that just carries over to the pretty much everybody? 08:43 Oh, yes. Yeah. 08:44 Everybody, okay. 08:46 I mean, they talk back to us in the all kind of way, 08:47 you saw him talking back to me 08:49 when I tell him he couldn't go to the party. 08:50 And you saw when I said 08:52 I was watching TV, they kept going, 08:53 they didn't care. 08:54 We are only talking about him. 08:56 You were just screaming at everybody in the house. 08:58 You'd scream at everybody in the room. 08:59 But he wasn't talking to himself. 09:01 He's talking to her. All right. 09:02 So you were... 09:05 You're both feeling pretty aggravated with him 09:08 and her in the fighting. 09:11 We look at the video, 09:12 did you see anything that either one of you 09:15 may have done just a little bit... 09:16 Now I'm going to put a rule here, 09:19 only talk about yourself, you cannot fix another person. 09:24 So you can only do the grace of God 09:27 change your own behavior, so right? 09:30 So only talk about what you saw that you did in this video. 09:37 I don't see that I did anything wrong. 09:39 Okay. I was trying to watch TV. 09:40 I guess I could have gone into other room. 09:42 That's really cool. 09:45 When there's a conflict, you could have stepped back. 09:48 Good, very Christ-like behavior. 09:51 What about you? 09:52 Is there anything 09:54 you could have done differently? 09:57 I mean that may be contributing to the child's behavior. 09:59 What are you doing? 10:01 He was fussing back at me 10:03 when I told him he couldn't go to the party. 10:04 So no, I don't say anything that I did wrong. 10:07 Oh, you didn't see... 10:08 I'm not saying wrong. 10:10 See, there's nothing wrong and right, no. 10:13 But may contribute to his feeling more... 10:16 the child's feeling more frustrated and aggravated, 10:20 anything? 10:22 Well, he knows he had me so upset, 10:23 I was fussing back at him. 10:25 I mean, you know... 10:27 I thought he should have stood down. 10:29 He should have. 10:31 But in a way, you elevated him to your level 10:35 by arguing with him going back and forth with him 10:39 as if you're his sister instead of his mom. 10:42 Well, I can see that. 10:43 Okay. I can see that. 10:44 You elevated him. 10:46 And so he doesn't know or understand this relationship 10:49 mother and son, 10:51 they're sacred and very important, okay? 10:54 All right. 10:55 And so I know you were a little distracted, 10:57 but do you think 10:58 maybe you're not addressing his disrespect to his mom? 11:02 Do you think that could contribute to him 11:04 continue to be disrespectful? 11:05 How is going to do... 11:07 How is he going to address... 11:08 Wait a minute, I'm just asking. 11:09 How is going to address when he does it himself? 11:11 I understand that which we will talk about later. 11:13 See the problem. Okay. 11:15 Now here, in here, are you guys doing 11:18 this at home as well? 11:21 You saw it. Yes. 11:23 Now how does it usually end? 11:25 He walks out of the door. Slamming the door or I leave. 11:27 Okay. Well, that's good. You disengage. 11:30 That's a very good thing. That's what you call it? 11:32 I'm calling it disengaging, that's right. 11:34 Okay, I'm calling it disrespect. 11:37 Oh, my goodness. Oh, really? 11:38 You prefer for him to stand there 11:40 and fuss and howl and scream? 11:41 No, I prefer for him to calm down 11:44 and act like he has some sense. 11:45 So let's look at good, better, best. 11:49 The best would be that he speaks to you calmly, 11:52 good is I'll walk away. 11:54 I'll just walk away, 11:56 so that will prevent some major problems, right? 11:58 So how does it get better if he always walks away? 12:02 Well, he's going to start getting better 12:04 by a certain person, I will not say the mom, 12:08 who will learn to lower her voice. 12:12 Oh, you're saying it's my fault. 12:13 No, I'm saying that we're both contributing. 12:16 And that's why you're looking at the video and saying, 12:18 "What am I doing that's causing this problem?" 12:21 All right, that may... 12:22 But I wasn't even talking to him on the video. 12:24 I was talking to my son. No. 12:25 He was yelling at everybody. 12:27 So we have two problem going, right? 12:29 We got the son and we have you to, all right? 12:32 So we have several problems going on. 12:34 So let's kind of stay focused on the son just today 12:36 because that's what I was expecting 12:37 to work with you today. 12:39 All right. 12:40 How is this affecting your son and daughter, 12:41 relationship with you guys? 12:43 How is that working? 12:44 For some reason, 12:45 he feels like he can talk to us any kind of way. 12:47 I'm not sure where he gets that from. 12:49 We are the parents, he is the son. 12:51 He is. 12:53 And like you see it, he just talks to us like, 12:55 you know, maybe he is above of us 12:57 even or in the same level with us, you know? 13:00 You know, if I had talked to my parents like that, 13:02 I would have been backhanded. 13:05 How did he learn that? I don't know. From his daddy. 13:09 No, how did he learn 13:11 that it's safe to talk to you like that. 13:15 Because his daddy talks to me like that. 13:17 Well, here is the thing to mom, it's his... 13:20 dad can do what he wants to do separate. 13:23 We're talking about you, how did he learn from you 13:29 that he can talk to you that way? 13:32 And, Dad, how did he learn from you 13:36 that he can talk to you that way? 13:38 I don't know, I just ignore him a lot, 13:40 and so he screams to get my attention. 13:43 And I guess I engage with him 13:44 with that foolishness that he does 13:46 and then he thinks he can continue it. 13:49 Thank you. Thank you, guys. 13:50 You guys have done a great job. Praise God. 13:54 Okay, so I have this bickering effect, 13:57 and we're going to trail on this very lightly. 13:59 Just give me two ways 14:01 that bickering has affected your marriage. 14:03 The bickering between... 14:05 That doesn't help. It doesn't help? 14:06 No, it doesn't. So we keep at it. 14:11 Nobody is trying to resolve anything, 14:13 just going back and forth. 14:14 Okay. 14:16 And who wants to deal with the man 14:17 that's bringing up divorce. 14:18 Who wants to deal with her? That is hurtful, isn't it? 14:20 That's very hurtful. 14:22 It's like he's saying... 14:23 No man wants to sit up with that foolishness. 14:26 It's like you're saying, "I'm going to abandon you." 14:28 Exactly. But I've been abandoned. 14:30 I've been abandoned. 14:32 So you feel like you've been abandoned? 14:33 Yeah. How? Which way? 14:35 Disrespectful. Okay. 14:36 She talks to me any kind of way around the kids. 14:38 Well, how did you guys learned to communicate this way? 14:41 How? Whatever. 14:42 Is this like when you got married, 14:43 were you guys talking like this? 14:45 No, it wasn't like that. No. 14:46 Oh, okay. All right. Okay. 14:48 Well, you know what, of course, you know, with therapy, 14:51 we always run out of time, 14:52 but we do need to talk about some strategies 14:54 because, you know, escalating conversations 14:58 and communication is really bad. 15:01 You know, you had a point 15:02 where you're threatening to hurt her. 15:04 I know you don't really want to hurt her. 15:06 Well, let me take into that. 15:08 Are there any police reports of you hitting her? 15:11 No. 15:12 Had the police been to your home 15:14 because of an argument? 15:16 No. Okay. 15:18 Now has a police been to your home 15:21 because of an argument, mom? 15:22 I don't remember. Yes. 15:26 Oh, okay. How many times? 15:28 Twice. Okay. 15:30 Well, that's a very serious situation here. 15:32 So I'm going to recommend that he continues to walk away 15:37 when he's feeling very, very frustrating. 15:39 Can we do that? It's not disrespectful to you. 15:42 It's the therapist asking him to do that. 15:44 I'm going to ask you to disengage with him as well 15:49 if you're so frustrated 15:50 that you just can't pull yourself out. 15:52 Can you do that for me? Okay. 15:54 So having done there, 15:56 let's talk about some little things we can do. 15:58 I'm not going to put a lot on this family. 16:00 You guys need a little break. 16:01 So the first thing I want you to do is to model, 16:05 this is going to be kind of hard 16:07 for your children talking softly, period. 16:12 Just in general, just lowering your voice, okay? 16:16 Okay. Yeah, let's write it down. 16:17 And then I want you to both develop 16:21 if you haven't done it prayer life, 16:24 do you pray by yourself, for your family? 16:27 Yes. I told you he is a heathen. 16:29 Now this is really hard. Praying with each other. 16:33 I got to pray with her? Mm-hm. 16:35 And when you pray, 16:36 I want you to say nice things about the person. 16:39 I want you to actually be grateful. 16:42 Say something like, Dear Father, thank You for him, 16:45 he's very expressive, he's... 16:48 That's what you call him. 16:50 And then I want you to pray for her and say, 16:52 "Thank You, Lord, 16:53 that she is committed to our children 16:55 and she wants the best for them," 16:57 you don't have to say about how she's doing it. 16:59 But I need you to do your absolute best 17:02 to keep it positive. 17:03 Okay. All right? 17:05 All right. Okay. 17:06 And then we can't even really get to the kids. 17:09 And you want to stay calm. Stay calm. 17:12 Stay calm. 17:13 I think we're going to meet again 17:16 in less than a week, 17:18 and then to kind of assess where you are 17:20 because you're kind of in crisis 17:22 mode right now. 17:23 Will that be okay with you? Do you have time? 17:25 Yeah, I have time. 17:26 Okay, so let's close out with prayer and really beg for 17:31 so we are stewards of power here, okay? 17:34 Most Honorable Father, we just plead with you 17:37 that you will remove every hinge 17:39 that would keep this family from moving forward. 17:42 We ask for Your strength, for Your power, 17:43 for Your love for them, and circle them, 17:46 take care of them, 17:48 Dear Lord, and may we see a change to Your simple, 17:51 simple strategies in Jesus' name we pray, amen. 17:54 Amen. Okay. 17:57 Thank you for coming, 17:58 and thank you for being so honest 18:00 and so willing to share, I appreciate that. 18:05 So how are you doing today? Pretty much better, thank you. 18:08 Yeah. It's great to see you guys. 18:11 I didn't think I would get to this point, 18:13 but I'm really happy to see you, 18:14 you're calm, you're sitting by each other's side. 18:18 Lord is good. Yes, He really is good. 18:21 So how are things going at home? 18:23 A lot better. Lot better, okay. 18:26 Less arguments. 18:27 Well, I do want to say thanks for Ryan 18:28 to put the camera in your home. 18:30 So we're going to take a look 18:31 and see what we've captured there in the home. 18:33 Okay. All right. 18:34 See if what we see here is what's going on there. 18:38 Please, Mom, let me go to this party. 18:41 No, honey, I told you, you're not going to that party. 18:44 Can't you change your mind 18:45 and let me go to this party, please? 18:47 Jerry, if you're going to talk to me like that, 18:49 you can just go to your room right now. 18:51 Now calm down and tell me 18:53 why that I tell you you can't go to this party? 18:55 It's not fair. 18:57 I know I had a fight at the last party. 18:58 And you said I couldn't go 19:00 unless you or dad goes with me. 19:02 I'm older enough to take care of myself at a party. 19:05 Dad, will you please go with me? 19:07 Nope. 19:08 Your mom and I are not going to any parties today. 19:11 We've got a lot of other things we got to get it done today. 19:13 Son, I know you're disappointed. 19:15 And yes, you're right, 19:16 you are old enough to go to parties by yourself, 19:18 but after what happened at the last party, 19:20 I told you the next three parties you go to, 19:22 one of us has to go with you. 19:23 So if we can't go, you can't go. 19:28 Sorry, son. We love you, honey. 19:32 Sure. 19:34 That is awesome. 19:36 Oh, my goodness, 19:38 you guys worked together on that. 19:41 Tell me what strategy... 19:42 I see some strategies and took some notes, 19:45 but I want you to tell me first, 19:46 which strategies did you like the best? 19:49 Well, I'm going to tell you, praying together make 19:52 all the difference in the world. 19:54 I mean, it helped us to stay calm 19:57 and parent like a united force. 19:59 You know what I'm saying? 20:00 And administer the rules without yelling and screaming. 20:03 So when I told you guys 20:05 to pray together several weeks ago, 20:07 I was looking at you, 20:09 you didn't want to touch each other 20:10 and not even look at each other. 20:12 So it really did make a big difference. 20:15 Yeah, it did. It made a big difference. 20:17 Okay, when you prayed, what struck you most? 20:20 I mean, what thoughts went to your head 20:22 as you prayed with her. 20:23 Well, first of all, if you're going to go to God, 20:24 you can't go angry. 20:26 So I had to really kind of check myself, 20:29 so when I'm kneeling and we're praying, 20:31 you know, I tried to grab her hand 20:33 and sometimes that worked, sometime it didn't. 20:36 So sometimes we didn't touch. Okay. 20:38 But I realized you're going to the Almighty, 20:41 so calm down and have respectful prayers 20:45 about one another. 20:46 You know, I just keep remembering 20:48 this Bible verse it says, 20:49 "Commit your way unto the Lord, and He will bring it to pass." 20:52 And so when I would pray, I would say, 20:54 "Lord, You know we need help, 20:56 You know this family needs help. 20:57 Please help us. 20:59 And I'm committing this to You, Lord." 21:02 You know what I really liked 21:04 that you guys stuck to that consequence. 21:07 So many parents buckle, and say, 21:09 "Oh, okay, you can go, 21:10 I know we said the last three, 21:15 but you can go to this one, you know." 21:17 And then pretty soon there is no consequence, 21:20 and that was really good. 21:21 Right. You supported her. 21:23 Yeah. You were very supportive. 21:24 Well, we knew he couldn't go, 21:26 and he really wasn't 21:27 in a position to even ask to go. 21:29 So I think it was great for us to have united front 21:33 without the yelling and screaming. 21:35 Right, right. 21:36 And he just pretty much accepted it. 21:37 He had to. He did. 21:39 And, you know, a part of it was we were engaged with him, 21:42 you know, before we were just disengaged 21:44 and we really weren't even interested 21:46 and going if we had the time to go, you know. 21:48 In fact, I wouldn't even comment, 21:50 I just walk away and let her to deal with it. 21:51 Okay. 21:52 So... 21:54 Yes, so it takes two. 21:55 That's why God gave us two parents. 21:57 It takes two, right? Yes. 21:58 And I wanted my children to know 22:00 even when we deal our consequences, 22:03 we still love them. 22:04 It's their behavior 22:06 that we are disciplining, you know? 22:07 Excellent. Right. Right. 22:10 So what changes are you seeing in the children? 22:13 And please include the daughter, 22:14 she's been a little bit, you know, invisible here. 22:17 Yeah. 22:18 Well, he respects what we say, he may not like it, 22:20 but he respects it. 22:22 And he doesn't challenge back and forth 22:24 that he used to do with me. 22:26 He doesn't do that anymore. 22:28 And especially because he's backing me up, 22:30 you know, he knows 22:31 that both of us are united front, 22:35 so he doesn't do so much of that anymore. 22:36 Sometimes he would try to pit one against the other. 22:40 Right. 22:42 But that video kind of showed you, 22:43 he just kind of removed himself 22:44 because that was the final result. 22:47 That was our decision, 22:48 and he accepted it whether he liked it, 22:49 he accepted it. 22:51 All right, okay. 22:52 So what are the changes in your daughter? 22:54 How is she doing? 22:55 Well, you know what, she is doing better 22:57 because the house is calm and we're relating better. 23:00 You know, we're more respectful towards one another, 23:02 and so as a result, our children, 23:05 you know, like he said, 23:06 they don't always like what we have to say 23:08 but as long as we stand firm on it 23:11 then, you know, they're okay. 23:13 And, you know, children need discipline, 23:15 they really do. 23:16 Really they do need discipline. 23:17 They need to know where the boundaries, 23:19 and so often they're just trying 23:20 to push to find where this is stopped. 23:24 You know, where this mom stand up 23:26 and say absolutely not and really mean it 23:29 and just do not give answer. 23:30 They'll keep trying you. For sure they will. 23:33 And, you know, it's not all over 23:34 because maybe too much down the road, 23:37 he is going to try this again. 23:39 He is going to try the same thing. 23:40 But I will say to you if you that were three parties, 23:43 then on the fourth party, then you need to let him go. 23:48 And trust that everything is going to work out. 23:49 But if it doesn't, 23:51 then we may have to try six months 23:52 of us going to parties. 23:54 Yeah, I think sometimes it depends on where 23:56 he is going and who is going to be around. 23:57 Yes, definitely. 23:58 'Cause, you know, you don't know 24:00 everybody's family. 24:01 That's true. 24:02 You can't just send your children anywhere. 24:04 And I think, you know, 24:05 before we weren't really thinking about that, 24:07 you know, if we knew somebody 24:09 or knew them from school or even from church, 24:10 we just let him go but... 24:12 You know, I think, you know, we have to be 24:14 a little more inquisitive and more... 24:17 Yes, definitely. 24:18 And that if you want to say that that's 24:23 where he is going, you know? 24:24 Yes. 24:25 And as long as we're comfortable with that, 24:27 then I think he'll be fine. 24:28 I mean, our son really is a pretty good child 24:31 you know, overall. 24:32 Now we're going to talk about you two. 24:34 How has it been between you two? 24:37 Has it been anymore threats of divorce? 24:40 No, it hasn't. 24:42 One thing I think I started doing 24:44 was when making decisions about the kids 24:47 instead of doing it on my own, 24:48 unless I was at home by myself and it was isolated incident, 24:53 I would go to my wife, 24:54 and we sit and talk about how we wanted to handle it. 24:57 So we weren't kind of caught off guard. 25:00 If I yes and she says no, 25:02 then how are we going to deal 25:04 with that in front of the kids, so... 25:05 Yeah, it's okay. 25:06 Now we deal with it in the bedroom first 25:08 before we came out and talk to them. 25:10 And I think it has made me think 25:12 about what I'm going to say first more, you know? 25:17 And, you know, you told us, 25:19 you know, stay out of each other's personal space, 25:22 especially for us, we were married 25:23 so we can't stay out of each other's personal space 25:25 all the time. 25:27 Yes, sometimes we want to be... 25:28 Yes, exactly. But in anger, no. 25:32 I think that you were right on that part. 25:34 I think so. Okay. 25:36 So I wanted to find out 25:40 if you guys make another commitment for me. 25:43 Can you commit to never or ever using divorce 25:49 as a weapon to hurt the other person? 25:54 Never. I can do that. 25:55 Okay. I can do that. 25:57 And no threatening. Okay. 25:58 Okay? All right. 26:00 Never use threatening for physical... 26:02 Are you recording this so that... 26:04 I wrote it down. I wrote it down. 26:06 No physical threats. 26:09 Whether you believe it or not, doing stuff like this and, 26:12 you know, that, that's kind of provoking 26:16 and it also clearly perceived as a physical threat, 26:19 so none of that either, okay? 26:20 Yeah. Okay, I can do that. 26:23 Let me ask you this though, I heard people say 26:26 that you can take time out for marriage 26:29 but not time off 26:30 because he's left for a week before. 26:32 Okay, so walking away when he's angry and escalating, 26:36 let's consider it as a way of time out, okay? 26:40 And let's cut it down to maybe six or seven hours at the most. 26:44 And so that she won't feel abandoned, all right? 26:47 Okay, so let's bow our heads, we really out of time. 26:49 Let's bow our heads for a brief prayer. 26:52 Most Honorable Father, 26:53 we're just so grateful for the healing and restoration 26:55 that is going on right now in this family. 26:57 We ask You that You continue 26:58 to help them use those simple strategies 27:01 to bring their marriage and their children up 27:03 and that they will learn 27:04 to love You and each other more, 27:06 in Jesus' name we pray and praise You always, amen. 27:09 Amen. 27:12 Parents, you can't afford 27:14 to allow yourself to get so angry 27:17 that you let emotional impulses take over. 27:20 You may have reason that they are only words, 27:22 but your words can inspire to greatness or destroy 27:25 and discourage your family 27:27 until they are devastated and you are too. 27:30 Your example may inspire your children 27:31 to accept your way of life or it may be the catalyst 27:35 that pushes them away from your beliefs. 27:37 Managing your anger is a decision 27:39 that has eternal consequences. 27:41 So here are just a few reminders 27:44 on how to manage your anger. 27:45 First, take a deep breath in and breathe out. 27:49 If you need to, please walk away 27:52 without any physical altercations. 27:56 Domestic violence is a major problem 27:58 in the United States. 28:00 And unfortunately, it's in our homes. 28:03 Also remember to say positive things and pray, 28:06 this is the most important part. 28:08 Pray with your spouse, pray with your children, 28:11 and pray for yourselves. 28:13 Make this a great day, control your anger. |
Revised 2018-05-23