Pumped Up Parents

Escalating/De-Escalating Communication

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript



Series Code: PUP

Program Code: PUP000009A

00:01 I never get to go anywhere.
00:04 Jerry, this is the last time I'm going to tell you,
00:06 you are not going to that party, and I mean it.
00:08 Quit whining about that party, I'm trying to watch TV.
00:12 I don't think it's fair that I can't go to this party.
00:15 Dad, Mama won't let me go
00:16 to this party and for no reason,
00:18 she is just being mean.
00:19 Mean?
00:21 You never do anything I tell you do.
00:22 And I'm being mean?
00:23 You're always arguing,
00:25 always talking back to me like you're doing right now,
00:26 and you never finish your chores.
00:28 And remember how you broke my grandmama's china bowl.
00:32 You said it was okay about the bowl,
00:34 and plus that was three months ago.
00:36 And I haven't had any problems
00:37 with breaking things since then.
00:39 Excuse me, I never said it was okay,
00:42 and that was only two months ago,
00:43 and I don't have to let you go anywhere.
00:45 Besides, last time I let you go to a party by yourself,
00:49 you got in a fight with that fat girl's cousin.
00:51 I'm trying to watch the game!
00:54 Your daddy didn't want you to go to that party anyway.
00:56 You know what? I told you not to let him go.
00:58 George, I got this! But you insisted.
01:00 George, I got this. He started the fight.
01:44 Thanks for allowing us to...
01:45 Yeah, yeah, whatever, that was a mess.
01:46 You know what? She is a mess.
01:48 Why don't you stop acting like that?
01:49 Stop acting like that. I'm sick of her.
01:50 Oh, I'm sick of you. No respect.
01:52 No respect at all at home.
01:54 I was trying to watch TV, did you see that?
01:56 The boy needed some talk, he wanted to go to a party.
01:58 Yeah, whatever. He wanted to go to a party.
02:00 And his father is the one
02:01 that should take him to that party.
02:02 Whatever, whatever. That was crazy! That was crazy!
02:04 That was crazy! Did you put your hands on me?
02:06 Do you know what? I would do it again.
02:08 No, you won't. Yes, I will.
02:10 You know, I got the most authority.
02:12 First of all, I won't...
02:14 I can see
02:15 that we're not doing well today at all.
02:16 No, we're not. Not at all.
02:18 So let's make a ground rule here.
02:21 Let's decide what our goal is going to be.
02:23 Are we here to resolve problems?
02:25 I'm here to knock her head off
02:26 if she keeps on talking to me like that.
02:27 Excuse me, are we here...
02:29 You'll be in jail. I'm sick of it.
02:30 You'll be in jail.
02:31 Are we here resolve problems or to dissolve a marriage?
02:34 Think before you speak. I don't have to think.
02:38 Think, think about your children,
02:40 think about your goal, think about your eternal...
02:44 This is foolishness
02:45 I don't want to have to keep dealing with...
02:46 That's a lot of foolishness.
02:48 Do you really think you're going to have peace?
02:50 You're the one that adds
02:51 the foolishness into the recipe.
02:53 You're always the one. Always.
02:54 All right, well, let's talk about the problem.
02:57 Is this the problem
02:58 or are we going to talk about the children?
02:59 He's always the problem.
03:01 He's always the biggest problem in the house.
03:02 Did you see
03:03 how he was just sitting there on the couch watching TV?
03:05 I was trying to be...
03:06 He's totally uninvolved with the family.
03:08 What is me time?
03:09 You women talk about "I want me time."
03:10 What about my time?
03:12 That's how we end up with manhandling.
03:13 All he had to do was take the boy to the party.
03:15 No, all she had to do is take him out of my room.
03:16 Okay.
03:18 It sounded like you didn't want to go to the party,
03:20 but let's go back to where our goal is for therapy.
03:23 Are we here to dissolve your marriage
03:25 or will we resolve issues?
03:29 My personal prayer for this...
03:30 She is my issue, that's my issue right there.
03:31 If I have a vote...
03:33 I'm not the issue. I'm not the problem.
03:34 You are my issue. No, I'm not.
03:36 Excuse me?
03:37 If I have a vote in this matter,
03:38 which I don't,
03:40 I would prefer that we work to resolve issues.
03:42 Divorce don't always solve problems,
03:45 sometimes it brings more problems.
03:47 The children suffer little bit more,
03:49 you two suffer little bit more.
03:51 Can we commit to maybe at least six weeks in therapy
03:56 and try to resolve...
03:58 Six weeks?
03:59 I can't get him to commit to six weeks and therapy.
04:00 I can't get him to commit...
04:02 Get your hand out of my face. I told you to stop.
04:03 I'm telling you one more, you got one more time.
04:05 Okay. She got one more time.
04:06 You see? You see? One more time.
04:08 You saw him put his hand on me, didn't you?
04:10 You saw that didn't you?
04:11 This is exactly why these kids act like that
04:12 'cause disrespect.
04:14 Shut up.
04:15 Can we commit to... You know what?
04:17 Excuse me, six weeks for the sake of your children.
04:20 I have no problem with it. He's the problem.
04:22 You think I'm playing? I have no problem.
04:23 You think I'm playing? Dan, what about you?
04:27 Can you commit to six weeks? I had to drag him here.
04:31 Can you commit to six weeks? Yeah, I commit.
04:35 Now in that six weeks,
04:37 here's the ground rules, no touching.
04:39 You can't touch her in my office.
04:41 You saw that, right?
04:42 I don't want her touching me at all.
04:44 She should sleep on her side of the bed.
04:45 No.
04:46 I'm saying in my office, no touching, especially,
04:49 while you're angry.
04:50 Can we commit to that? I can.
04:53 Can you commit to that, Dan. I'm fine. Yes.
04:55 Okay, no touching,
04:57 no putting your hands or invading his personal space
05:00 with your hands and fingers and thumbs.
05:02 That's right. That's right.
05:03 Can you commit to that? Yeah, I can commit to that.
05:05 Okay, because we can't get anything done...
05:08 I'm not the problem. Yes, I can commit to that.
05:10 Okay, it's a problem for him. Shut you up.
05:13 Shut up. You won't be a problem?
05:16 Another thing.
05:17 Two rules, the third rule is no threats.
05:22 I think I almost heard you...
05:23 No threats, baby, it's a promise.
05:25 Okay, no promises in here. You don't keep your promises.
05:28 I guess I get nothing to worry about there.
05:30 Whatever.
05:32 Now if I see any of these behaviors,
05:34 then we will start therapy.
05:38 Can you commit to that? I will.
05:41 It's for my kids, I love my kids.
05:42 Yes. Okay.
05:44 Thank you.
05:45 And you guys are Christians? I am.
05:48 And you guys are Christians? Yes. I go to church.
05:50 Okay, all right. He's a Hebrew.
05:53 So let's remember Christ-like behavior.
05:57 Say that one more time. In my office, we're Christians.
06:02 In my office. Okay, so there's no threats.
06:05 What happened to love, joy, peace, long suffering,
06:08 which means that...
06:10 He don't know nothing about that.
06:11 I put up with other people's stuff
06:14 without retaliate...
06:16 His Bible has 12 inches dust on top of it.
06:18 No.
06:19 Let's get to the issue that brought you here
06:23 which no one on the phone told me
06:25 that we were fussing and fighting.
06:26 You said the children had a problem.
06:28 They do. They fuss and fight.
06:29 Tell me what's going on now.
06:31 They fuss and fight like cats and dogs.
06:34 They don't really fight with each other,
06:35 they talk to each other in the old kind of way,
06:37 call each other all out of their names like
06:38 he does with me.
06:40 And when I pull them apart, they go right back together.
06:42 Okay. No respect at all. None.
06:44 So when they go back together, they're not like...
06:46 Sometimes children fight, then they play
06:48 or they're fighting and then fighting.
06:49 No, just fighting and they fight.
06:51 No, they don't play out. Okay.
06:52 There's no playing.
06:53 On a daily basis,
06:55 how many fights were they having?
06:56 They're fighting all the time
06:57 when they come home from school.
06:59 Yes, it's always an argument.
07:00 In the morning, I had to shut them up
07:01 to get them ready for school.
07:03 Okay, okay.
07:04 You know, they're fighting over the bathroom,
07:06 they're fighting over this and fighting over there.
07:07 Banging on doors and...
07:08 Okay. Yes.
07:10 Now I really do want to reiterate our rules,
07:11 no touching, no violating physical space.
07:13 And no promises in here, okay?
07:16 No promises? Promises to hurt.
07:18 No promises at all. Right? You heard that?
07:20 And I'll be talking about it. Okay, right?
07:22 You heard that? Right?
07:23 Right? Mm-hm.
07:25 And then there is a consequence for that.
07:26 We will have to stop decision at that point, okay?
07:30 Okay.
07:31 I just want to reiterate that because I know, of course,
07:33 you want the best for you children.
07:35 And of course, you're feeling a whole lot of frustration
07:38 and aggravation but if...
07:40 You have no idea.
07:41 If you could just put aside
07:42 your personal differences at this point,
07:44 later we can talk about them.
07:46 And let's try to get some of this out, all right?
07:49 So you're saying
07:50 they're arguing like cats and dogs
07:52 and they're fighting each other and calling each other names,
07:56 do they fistfight?
07:57 Oh, yes. It's not fist.
07:58 It's just wrestling and tussling and pulling...
08:01 I mean actually hitting? I've seen her hit him.
08:04 Yes. You've seen her hit him?
08:05 Yes. Okay.
08:06 I mean, but it's not like
08:08 a fistfight fight like that, you know?
08:09 Not yet.
08:11 No actually it's pushing and shoving.
08:12 Can I ask you something have this been progressive?
08:14 Maybe you just started bickering, and arguing,
08:17 and now it's touching each other.
08:19 Probably so.
08:20 But all I can remember as far back as I can remember
08:23 they've been always at each other.
08:26 They seem like they never liked each other.
08:27 Okay.
08:28 Well, we just saw...
08:30 You know, we raise him, they both in the same house,
08:31 they both get the same advantages, you know?
08:32 Right, you decide things for them.
08:35 Well, we just saw on the son in there this time.
08:38 But yeah, okay, so I see he was fussing with you
08:41 and that just carries over to the pretty much everybody?
08:43 Oh, yes. Yeah.
08:44 Everybody, okay.
08:46 I mean, they talk back to us in the all kind of way,
08:47 you saw him talking back to me
08:49 when I tell him he couldn't go to the party.
08:50 And you saw when I said
08:52 I was watching TV, they kept going,
08:53 they didn't care.
08:54 We are only talking about him.
08:56 You were just screaming at everybody in the house.
08:58 You'd scream at everybody in the room.
08:59 But he wasn't talking to himself.
09:01 He's talking to her. All right.
09:02 So you were...
09:05 You're both feeling pretty aggravated with him
09:08 and her in the fighting.
09:11 We look at the video,
09:12 did you see anything that either one of you
09:15 may have done just a little bit...
09:16 Now I'm going to put a rule here,
09:19 only talk about yourself, you cannot fix another person.
09:24 So you can only do the grace of God
09:27 change your own behavior, so right?
09:30 So only talk about what you saw that you did in this video.
09:37 I don't see that I did anything wrong.
09:39 Okay. I was trying to watch TV.
09:40 I guess I could have gone into other room.
09:42 That's really cool.
09:45 When there's a conflict, you could have stepped back.
09:48 Good, very Christ-like behavior.
09:51 What about you?
09:52 Is there anything
09:54 you could have done differently?
09:57 I mean that may be contributing to the child's behavior.
09:59 What are you doing?
10:01 He was fussing back at me
10:03 when I told him he couldn't go to the party.
10:04 So no, I don't say anything that I did wrong.
10:07 Oh, you didn't see...
10:08 I'm not saying wrong.
10:10 See, there's nothing wrong and right, no.
10:13 But may contribute to his feeling more...
10:16 the child's feeling more frustrated and aggravated,
10:20 anything?
10:22 Well, he knows he had me so upset,
10:23 I was fussing back at him.
10:25 I mean, you know...
10:27 I thought he should have stood down.
10:29 He should have.
10:31 But in a way, you elevated him to your level
10:35 by arguing with him going back and forth with him
10:39 as if you're his sister instead of his mom.
10:42 Well, I can see that.
10:43 Okay. I can see that.
10:44 You elevated him.
10:46 And so he doesn't know or understand this relationship
10:49 mother and son,
10:51 they're sacred and very important, okay?
10:54 All right.
10:55 And so I know you were a little distracted,
10:57 but do you think
10:58 maybe you're not addressing his disrespect to his mom?
11:02 Do you think that could contribute to him
11:04 continue to be disrespectful?
11:05 How is going to do...
11:07 How is he going to address...
11:08 Wait a minute, I'm just asking.
11:09 How is going to address when he does it himself?
11:11 I understand that which we will talk about later.
11:13 See the problem. Okay.
11:15 Now here, in here, are you guys doing
11:18 this at home as well?
11:21 You saw it. Yes.
11:23 Now how does it usually end?
11:25 He walks out of the door. Slamming the door or I leave.
11:27 Okay. Well, that's good. You disengage.
11:30 That's a very good thing. That's what you call it?
11:32 I'm calling it disengaging, that's right.
11:34 Okay, I'm calling it disrespect.
11:37 Oh, my goodness. Oh, really?
11:38 You prefer for him to stand there
11:40 and fuss and howl and scream?
11:41 No, I prefer for him to calm down
11:44 and act like he has some sense.
11:45 So let's look at good, better, best.
11:49 The best would be that he speaks to you calmly,
11:52 good is I'll walk away.
11:54 I'll just walk away,
11:56 so that will prevent some major problems, right?
11:58 So how does it get better if he always walks away?
12:02 Well, he's going to start getting better
12:04 by a certain person, I will not say the mom,
12:08 who will learn to lower her voice.
12:12 Oh, you're saying it's my fault.
12:13 No, I'm saying that we're both contributing.
12:16 And that's why you're looking at the video and saying,
12:18 "What am I doing that's causing this problem?"
12:21 All right, that may...
12:22 But I wasn't even talking to him on the video.
12:24 I was talking to my son. No.
12:25 He was yelling at everybody.
12:27 So we have two problem going, right?
12:29 We got the son and we have you to, all right?
12:32 So we have several problems going on.
12:34 So let's kind of stay focused on the son just today
12:36 because that's what I was expecting
12:37 to work with you today.
12:39 All right.
12:40 How is this affecting your son and daughter,
12:41 relationship with you guys?
12:43 How is that working?
12:44 For some reason,
12:45 he feels like he can talk to us any kind of way.
12:47 I'm not sure where he gets that from.
12:49 We are the parents, he is the son.
12:51 He is.
12:53 And like you see it, he just talks to us like,
12:55 you know, maybe he is above of us
12:57 even or in the same level with us, you know?
13:00 You know, if I had talked to my parents like that,
13:02 I would have been backhanded.
13:05 How did he learn that? I don't know. From his daddy.
13:09 No, how did he learn
13:11 that it's safe to talk to you like that.
13:15 Because his daddy talks to me like that.
13:17 Well, here is the thing to mom, it's his...
13:20 dad can do what he wants to do separate.
13:23 We're talking about you, how did he learn from you
13:29 that he can talk to you that way?
13:32 And, Dad, how did he learn from you
13:36 that he can talk to you that way?
13:38 I don't know, I just ignore him a lot,
13:40 and so he screams to get my attention.
13:43 And I guess I engage with him
13:44 with that foolishness that he does
13:46 and then he thinks he can continue it.
13:49 Thank you. Thank you, guys.
13:50 You guys have done a great job. Praise God.
13:54 Okay, so I have this bickering effect,
13:57 and we're going to trail on this very lightly.
13:59 Just give me two ways
14:01 that bickering has affected your marriage.
14:03 The bickering between...
14:05 That doesn't help. It doesn't help?
14:06 No, it doesn't. So we keep at it.
14:11 Nobody is trying to resolve anything,
14:13 just going back and forth.
14:14 Okay.
14:16 And who wants to deal with the man
14:17 that's bringing up divorce.
14:18 Who wants to deal with her? That is hurtful, isn't it?
14:20 That's very hurtful.
14:22 It's like he's saying...
14:23 No man wants to sit up with that foolishness.
14:26 It's like you're saying, "I'm going to abandon you."
14:28 Exactly. But I've been abandoned.
14:30 I've been abandoned.
14:32 So you feel like you've been abandoned?
14:33 Yeah. How? Which way?
14:35 Disrespectful. Okay.
14:36 She talks to me any kind of way around the kids.
14:38 Well, how did you guys learned to communicate this way?
14:41 How? Whatever.
14:42 Is this like when you got married,
14:43 were you guys talking like this?
14:45 No, it wasn't like that. No.
14:46 Oh, okay. All right. Okay.
14:48 Well, you know what, of course, you know, with therapy,
14:51 we always run out of time,
14:52 but we do need to talk about some strategies
14:54 because, you know, escalating conversations
14:58 and communication is really bad.
15:01 You know, you had a point
15:02 where you're threatening to hurt her.
15:04 I know you don't really want to hurt her.
15:06 Well, let me take into that.
15:08 Are there any police reports of you hitting her?
15:11 No.
15:12 Had the police been to your home
15:14 because of an argument?
15:16 No. Okay.
15:18 Now has a police been to your home
15:21 because of an argument, mom?
15:22 I don't remember. Yes.
15:26 Oh, okay. How many times?
15:28 Twice. Okay.
15:30 Well, that's a very serious situation here.
15:32 So I'm going to recommend that he continues to walk away
15:37 when he's feeling very, very frustrating.
15:39 Can we do that? It's not disrespectful to you.
15:42 It's the therapist asking him to do that.
15:44 I'm going to ask you to disengage with him as well
15:49 if you're so frustrated
15:50 that you just can't pull yourself out.
15:52 Can you do that for me? Okay.
15:54 So having done there,
15:56 let's talk about some little things we can do.
15:58 I'm not going to put a lot on this family.
16:00 You guys need a little break.
16:01 So the first thing I want you to do is to model,
16:05 this is going to be kind of hard
16:07 for your children talking softly, period.
16:12 Just in general, just lowering your voice, okay?
16:16 Okay. Yeah, let's write it down.
16:17 And then I want you to both develop
16:21 if you haven't done it prayer life,
16:24 do you pray by yourself, for your family?
16:27 Yes. I told you he is a heathen.
16:29 Now this is really hard. Praying with each other.
16:33 I got to pray with her? Mm-hm.
16:35 And when you pray,
16:36 I want you to say nice things about the person.
16:39 I want you to actually be grateful.
16:42 Say something like, Dear Father, thank You for him,
16:45 he's very expressive, he's...
16:48 That's what you call him.
16:50 And then I want you to pray for her and say,
16:52 "Thank You, Lord,
16:53 that she is committed to our children
16:55 and she wants the best for them,"
16:57 you don't have to say about how she's doing it.
16:59 But I need you to do your absolute best
17:02 to keep it positive.
17:03 Okay. All right?
17:05 All right. Okay.
17:06 And then we can't even really get to the kids.
17:09 And you want to stay calm. Stay calm.
17:12 Stay calm.
17:13 I think we're going to meet again
17:16 in less than a week,
17:18 and then to kind of assess where you are
17:20 because you're kind of in crisis
17:22 mode right now.
17:23 Will that be okay with you? Do you have time?
17:25 Yeah, I have time.
17:26 Okay, so let's close out with prayer and really beg for
17:31 so we are stewards of power here, okay?
17:34 Most Honorable Father, we just plead with you
17:37 that you will remove every hinge
17:39 that would keep this family from moving forward.
17:42 We ask for Your strength, for Your power,
17:43 for Your love for them, and circle them,
17:46 take care of them,
17:48 Dear Lord, and may we see a change to Your simple,
17:51 simple strategies in Jesus' name we pray, amen.
17:54 Amen. Okay.
17:57 Thank you for coming,
17:58 and thank you for being so honest
18:00 and so willing to share, I appreciate that.
18:05 So how are you doing today? Pretty much better, thank you.
18:08 Yeah. It's great to see you guys.
18:11 I didn't think I would get to this point,
18:13 but I'm really happy to see you,
18:14 you're calm, you're sitting by each other's side.
18:18 Lord is good. Yes, He really is good.
18:21 So how are things going at home?
18:23 A lot better. Lot better, okay.
18:26 Less arguments.
18:27 Well, I do want to say thanks for Ryan
18:28 to put the camera in your home.
18:30 So we're going to take a look
18:31 and see what we've captured there in the home.
18:33 Okay. All right.
18:34 See if what we see here is what's going on there.
18:38 Please, Mom, let me go to this party.
18:41 No, honey, I told you, you're not going to that party.
18:44 Can't you change your mind
18:45 and let me go to this party, please?
18:47 Jerry, if you're going to talk to me like that,
18:49 you can just go to your room right now.
18:51 Now calm down and tell me
18:53 why that I tell you you can't go to this party?
18:55 It's not fair.
18:57 I know I had a fight at the last party.
18:58 And you said I couldn't go
19:00 unless you or dad goes with me.
19:02 I'm older enough to take care of myself at a party.
19:05 Dad, will you please go with me?
19:07 Nope.
19:08 Your mom and I are not going to any parties today.
19:11 We've got a lot of other things we got to get it done today.
19:13 Son, I know you're disappointed.
19:15 And yes, you're right,
19:16 you are old enough to go to parties by yourself,
19:18 but after what happened at the last party,
19:20 I told you the next three parties you go to,
19:22 one of us has to go with you.
19:23 So if we can't go, you can't go.
19:28 Sorry, son. We love you, honey.
19:32 Sure.
19:34 That is awesome.
19:36 Oh, my goodness,
19:38 you guys worked together on that.
19:41 Tell me what strategy...
19:42 I see some strategies and took some notes,
19:45 but I want you to tell me first,
19:46 which strategies did you like the best?
19:49 Well, I'm going to tell you, praying together make
19:52 all the difference in the world.
19:54 I mean, it helped us to stay calm
19:57 and parent like a united force.
19:59 You know what I'm saying?
20:00 And administer the rules without yelling and screaming.
20:03 So when I told you guys
20:05 to pray together several weeks ago,
20:07 I was looking at you,
20:09 you didn't want to touch each other
20:10 and not even look at each other.
20:12 So it really did make a big difference.
20:15 Yeah, it did. It made a big difference.
20:17 Okay, when you prayed, what struck you most?
20:20 I mean, what thoughts went to your head
20:22 as you prayed with her.
20:23 Well, first of all, if you're going to go to God,
20:24 you can't go angry.
20:26 So I had to really kind of check myself,
20:29 so when I'm kneeling and we're praying,
20:31 you know, I tried to grab her hand
20:33 and sometimes that worked, sometime it didn't.
20:36 So sometimes we didn't touch. Okay.
20:38 But I realized you're going to the Almighty,
20:41 so calm down and have respectful prayers
20:45 about one another.
20:46 You know, I just keep remembering
20:48 this Bible verse it says,
20:49 "Commit your way unto the Lord, and He will bring it to pass."
20:52 And so when I would pray, I would say,
20:54 "Lord, You know we need help,
20:56 You know this family needs help.
20:57 Please help us.
20:59 And I'm committing this to You, Lord."
21:02 You know what I really liked
21:04 that you guys stuck to that consequence.
21:07 So many parents buckle, and say,
21:09 "Oh, okay, you can go,
21:10 I know we said the last three,
21:15 but you can go to this one, you know."
21:17 And then pretty soon there is no consequence,
21:20 and that was really good.
21:21 Right. You supported her.
21:23 Yeah. You were very supportive.
21:24 Well, we knew he couldn't go,
21:26 and he really wasn't
21:27 in a position to even ask to go.
21:29 So I think it was great for us to have united front
21:33 without the yelling and screaming.
21:35 Right, right.
21:36 And he just pretty much accepted it.
21:37 He had to. He did.
21:39 And, you know, a part of it was we were engaged with him,
21:42 you know, before we were just disengaged
21:44 and we really weren't even interested
21:46 and going if we had the time to go, you know.
21:48 In fact, I wouldn't even comment,
21:50 I just walk away and let her to deal with it.
21:51 Okay.
21:52 So...
21:54 Yes, so it takes two.
21:55 That's why God gave us two parents.
21:57 It takes two, right? Yes.
21:58 And I wanted my children to know
22:00 even when we deal our consequences,
22:03 we still love them.
22:04 It's their behavior
22:06 that we are disciplining, you know?
22:07 Excellent. Right. Right.
22:10 So what changes are you seeing in the children?
22:13 And please include the daughter,
22:14 she's been a little bit, you know, invisible here.
22:17 Yeah.
22:18 Well, he respects what we say, he may not like it,
22:20 but he respects it.
22:22 And he doesn't challenge back and forth
22:24 that he used to do with me.
22:26 He doesn't do that anymore.
22:28 And especially because he's backing me up,
22:30 you know, he knows
22:31 that both of us are united front,
22:35 so he doesn't do so much of that anymore.
22:36 Sometimes he would try to pit one against the other.
22:40 Right.
22:42 But that video kind of showed you,
22:43 he just kind of removed himself
22:44 because that was the final result.
22:47 That was our decision,
22:48 and he accepted it whether he liked it,
22:49 he accepted it.
22:51 All right, okay.
22:52 So what are the changes in your daughter?
22:54 How is she doing?
22:55 Well, you know what, she is doing better
22:57 because the house is calm and we're relating better.
23:00 You know, we're more respectful towards one another,
23:02 and so as a result, our children,
23:05 you know, like he said,
23:06 they don't always like what we have to say
23:08 but as long as we stand firm on it
23:11 then, you know, they're okay.
23:13 And, you know, children need discipline,
23:15 they really do.
23:16 Really they do need discipline.
23:17 They need to know where the boundaries,
23:19 and so often they're just trying
23:20 to push to find where this is stopped.
23:24 You know, where this mom stand up
23:26 and say absolutely not and really mean it
23:29 and just do not give answer.
23:30 They'll keep trying you. For sure they will.
23:33 And, you know, it's not all over
23:34 because maybe too much down the road,
23:37 he is going to try this again.
23:39 He is going to try the same thing.
23:40 But I will say to you if you that were three parties,
23:43 then on the fourth party, then you need to let him go.
23:48 And trust that everything is going to work out.
23:49 But if it doesn't,
23:51 then we may have to try six months
23:52 of us going to parties.
23:54 Yeah, I think sometimes it depends on where
23:56 he is going and who is going to be around.
23:57 Yes, definitely.
23:58 'Cause, you know, you don't know
24:00 everybody's family.
24:01 That's true.
24:02 You can't just send your children anywhere.
24:04 And I think, you know,
24:05 before we weren't really thinking about that,
24:07 you know, if we knew somebody
24:09 or knew them from school or even from church,
24:10 we just let him go but...
24:12 You know, I think, you know, we have to be
24:14 a little more inquisitive and more...
24:17 Yes, definitely.
24:18 And that if you want to say that that's
24:23 where he is going, you know?
24:24 Yes.
24:25 And as long as we're comfortable with that,
24:27 then I think he'll be fine.
24:28 I mean, our son really is a pretty good child
24:31 you know, overall.
24:32 Now we're going to talk about you two.
24:34 How has it been between you two?
24:37 Has it been anymore threats of divorce?
24:40 No, it hasn't.
24:42 One thing I think I started doing
24:44 was when making decisions about the kids
24:47 instead of doing it on my own,
24:48 unless I was at home by myself and it was isolated incident,
24:53 I would go to my wife,
24:54 and we sit and talk about how we wanted to handle it.
24:57 So we weren't kind of caught off guard.
25:00 If I yes and she says no,
25:02 then how are we going to deal
25:04 with that in front of the kids, so...
25:05 Yeah, it's okay.
25:06 Now we deal with it in the bedroom first
25:08 before we came out and talk to them.
25:10 And I think it has made me think
25:12 about what I'm going to say first more, you know?
25:17 And, you know, you told us,
25:19 you know, stay out of each other's personal space,
25:22 especially for us, we were married
25:23 so we can't stay out of each other's personal space
25:25 all the time.
25:27 Yes, sometimes we want to be...
25:28 Yes, exactly. But in anger, no.
25:32 I think that you were right on that part.
25:34 I think so. Okay.
25:36 So I wanted to find out
25:40 if you guys make another commitment for me.
25:43 Can you commit to never or ever using divorce
25:49 as a weapon to hurt the other person?
25:54 Never. I can do that.
25:55 Okay. I can do that.
25:57 And no threatening. Okay.
25:58 Okay? All right.
26:00 Never use threatening for physical...
26:02 Are you recording this so that...
26:04 I wrote it down. I wrote it down.
26:06 No physical threats.
26:09 Whether you believe it or not, doing stuff like this and,
26:12 you know, that, that's kind of provoking
26:16 and it also clearly perceived as a physical threat,
26:19 so none of that either, okay?
26:20 Yeah. Okay, I can do that.
26:23 Let me ask you this though, I heard people say
26:26 that you can take time out for marriage
26:29 but not time off
26:30 because he's left for a week before.
26:32 Okay, so walking away when he's angry and escalating,
26:36 let's consider it as a way of time out, okay?
26:40 And let's cut it down to maybe six or seven hours at the most.
26:44 And so that she won't feel abandoned, all right?
26:47 Okay, so let's bow our heads, we really out of time.
26:49 Let's bow our heads for a brief prayer.
26:52 Most Honorable Father,
26:53 we're just so grateful for the healing and restoration
26:55 that is going on right now in this family.
26:57 We ask You that You continue
26:58 to help them use those simple strategies
27:01 to bring their marriage and their children up
27:03 and that they will learn
27:04 to love You and each other more,
27:06 in Jesus' name we pray and praise You always, amen.
27:09 Amen.
27:12 Parents, you can't afford
27:14 to allow yourself to get so angry
27:17 that you let emotional impulses take over.
27:20 You may have reason that they are only words,
27:22 but your words can inspire to greatness or destroy
27:25 and discourage your family
27:27 until they are devastated and you are too.
27:30 Your example may inspire your children
27:31 to accept your way of life or it may be the catalyst
27:35 that pushes them away from your beliefs.
27:37 Managing your anger is a decision
27:39 that has eternal consequences.
27:41 So here are just a few reminders
27:44 on how to manage your anger.
27:45 First, take a deep breath in and breathe out.
27:49 If you need to, please walk away
27:52 without any physical altercations.
27:56 Domestic violence is a major problem
27:58 in the United States.
28:00 And unfortunately, it's in our homes.
28:03 Also remember to say positive things and pray,
28:06 this is the most important part.
28:08 Pray with your spouse, pray with your children,
28:11 and pray for yourselves.
28:13 Make this a great day, control your anger.


Revised 2018-05-23