Participants:
Series Code: PUP
Program Code: PUP000010A
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00:01 Daddy said that he was coming home soon.
00:03 He said that he is getting a new trial. 00:05 Do you know when that will be? 00:06 He said that he is looking for another lawyer. 00:09 As soon as he finds one good enough, 00:10 he's coming home. 00:11 Even then, that could take years. 00:13 Daddy said that you would say that. 00:15 He said that you'll be negative. 00:16 You just don't want him to come home. 00:18 Your father has no control over when he comes home. 00:21 He said that he is coming home soon 00:22 and I could go with the Millers on their family vacation. 00:25 Wait, I've already told you, 00:26 you're not going on that trip with them. 00:27 But Daddy said I could go. 00:29 Every time he says I could do something, 00:30 you'll always ruin it. 00:31 Who are you talking to first of all, 00:33 I said you're not going, 00:34 it doesn't matter who said anything else, 00:37 I said you're not going, you're not going. 01:23 Well, Lauren seems very frustrated in that video. 01:26 She is. She is really frustrated. 01:29 So what has happened since the last session? 01:33 Well, her grades are failing. 01:34 She's always complaining, 01:36 she seems like she's almost depressed. 01:40 Just the other day, he called 01:42 and he said he was coming out again, 01:44 you know, and it's like, well, he doesn't know that. 01:46 So she stayed up all night asking, 01:48 "Is he really coming home?" 01:50 And I had to just walk her through that. 01:51 It's just so frustrating and I am so exhausted. 01:54 Yeah, it sounds exhausting. 01:56 How many times have you done that now? 01:58 I would say at least five. Okay. 02:00 And each time she waits up, she thinks he's coming home 02:03 and he doesn't come home, 02:04 so we repeat the cycle over and over and over again. 02:07 All right, is it just limited to his coming home 02:10 that she's left holding the bag expecting from him. 02:14 No, I mean he promises her things that he can't keep. 02:16 He says, I'm gonna send her something, 02:17 perhaps someone else send her something 02:19 and it never comes. 02:21 So again, she's back to crying, she gets attitudes, 02:23 and she gets attitudes with me too. 02:25 And that's the thing I don't understand. 02:26 And I tried to explain to her, 02:27 when he promises things 02:29 that it didn't happen last time, 02:31 so don't expect that this time. 02:33 But she still has hope 02:34 and it just causes her to have problems 02:36 every time he disappoints her. 02:38 So, yeah, I saw in the video, where she was saying, 02:40 that dad said you would be negative. 02:42 Do you think that she actually 02:44 meant that dad said you'd be negative 02:46 or do you think that she is just kind of saying 02:51 that to get your ego maybe? 02:53 No, I think she believes that. 02:55 I think that he tells her that every time 02:57 he says he's gonna be there, you know, she believes it, 02:59 and he's saying that I'm just so pessimistic. 03:02 He's always saying whatever I... 03:04 Everything I say, I guess for the most part, 03:06 he just says the opposite. 03:08 So, you know, it just seems 03:09 like he's pining her in between the two of us 03:12 and she has to choose, and she chooses him 03:14 because he says what she wants to hear. 03:16 Okay. 03:17 And so you're feeling like you are the bad guy. 03:19 Yeah, I'm always the bad guy. Okay. 03:22 And so you kind of left with, who's your support system? 03:26 I really don't have one. 03:27 And I think a lot of my frustration comes out 03:29 when I do speak to him because it's so bottled up. 03:31 And we rarely talk to him, and when we do, 03:33 every time it's a empty promise 03:34 or I need something so I'm just always frustrated 03:37 and I think that's the only way I probably 03:39 let my emotions out. 03:40 Okay, so it's by expressing frustration. 03:42 Yeah. 03:44 So did you notice anything on the video 03:47 that you may be doing that may be causing her to feel 03:50 a little bit more frustration or anxiety? 03:54 Well, I know I'm not really supportive, 03:55 you know, when she does want to really do something. 03:58 If he even tells her he's gonna do something, 04:01 I just always shut it down, 04:02 I don't even really think about it. 04:04 I just naturally say no because he said yes. 04:07 I guess, I could be a little bit more supportive I guess. 04:10 So in the sense, you kind of pitying her too. 04:14 Does that make sense to you? I guess. I guess. 04:17 I guess, I don't know. 04:19 He is taking advantage of her being a little girl by saying, 04:22 yes, yes, yes, which maybe he really thinks 04:26 he can do these things maybe, 04:28 or he really believes it's going to happen. 04:30 Maybe, I don't know. Okay, you don't... 04:32 Has he been known to lie? 04:34 Well, he just makes promises he can't. 04:36 I don't think he really thinks through a lot of stuff he says. 04:38 Again, he just says stuff to make her happy right then 04:41 when she's on the phone, 04:42 and says he's not there to see 04:44 what happens afterwards when he lets her down, 04:46 it doesn't bother him. 04:47 He doesn't see it, so he can't correct it. 04:49 And so I'm left with picking up the baggage. 04:53 So, you know, in just a few ways that she's changed, 04:55 you said that this is affecting her. 04:58 You say that her grades have come down. 05:02 Is there anything else, 05:03 you think she's a little depressed? 05:05 Yeah, and she gets into fights at school sometimes, 05:07 you know, especially when the kids make 05:09 fun of her about her dad. 05:10 So I know she's kind of defensive about that too. 05:12 Okay, so the last time she had a fight at school about this. 05:16 Yes. Tell me what happened? 05:17 Well, she just said a little girl came up to her, 05:19 somebody that she had known before, 05:21 but I guess because she had share with her 05:23 about the situation at home, 05:25 she maybe just was upset with her the time, 05:27 decided to talk about her. 05:28 So she basically pointed out her dad was in prison 05:31 and her mom just stays at home all day 05:33 doing nothing which is so not true 05:34 because I work my butt off all the time. 05:37 Okay. 05:38 And so what was Lauren like when she got home after that? 05:40 Well, she was upset, you know, she felt embarrassed. 05:42 A lot of her friends have both mother and father in the home, 05:45 here her dad is not there, 05:47 he says he's gonna come home and he doesn't. 05:49 I think she was really frustrated. 05:51 And so, I mean, I didn't know what to do about the situation. 05:53 Yes, I punished her, but at the same time 05:55 I understand that she's frustrated. 05:58 Okay. You punished her for what? 06:00 For getting into the fight. 06:01 Yeah, she shouldn't have hit the girl because of that. 06:03 Oh, okay, all right. 06:06 But it is understandable. I do. I understand. 06:09 So she was provoked. I guess you could say that. 06:12 Okay, all right. 06:13 So that may have made her feel 06:17 little bit more alienation away from you 06:20 because she's not being protected, 06:23 anywhere, really, not from her father who's... 06:26 I mean you can't really protect her from him 06:28 because he's an adult and you can't tell him 06:31 what to say and what not to say, 06:32 and you really can't protect her 06:34 from the people out there 06:35 who are saying mean things to her. 06:37 Yeah. 06:38 So I wonder how she's feeling about, 06:39 what was her take on getting spanked 06:43 for standing up for herself or protecting herself? 06:47 I don't know, I didn't ask. Okay. 06:49 I just didn't ask. Okay. 06:51 Yeah, it sounds like everybody 06:53 is pretty stressed out at this time, 06:56 you know, he in prison and he's wanting to get out, 07:00 maybe they are saying to him, you're gonna get out this time, 07:03 or maybe they are saying 07:04 you're gonna have a new attorney 07:05 and then they don't care, 07:07 you know, they just say this stuff 07:09 then just to get you out of the hair. 07:11 I mean, get him out of the hair. 07:12 And then you're frustrated because she's coming to you 07:16 saying these great wonderful things 07:18 and then you look like or feel like, 07:20 I'm the worst person ever. So, you know... 07:24 So how are you feeling as a parent right now? 07:26 Like a failure. Yeah. 07:28 You know, we don't talk. 07:29 She's disrespectful, she's rude. 07:31 She's there, 07:33 but it's like we're there in the house together 07:34 but really it's not a home. 07:37 I just hate being at odds. 07:38 I feel like I'm always fighting her. 07:40 Yeah, yeah. 07:41 It sounds like you are always fighting her, 07:43 and she's fighting everybody, she's fighting the world, 07:46 you know, she's fighting, 07:48 you know, you which is her world. 07:50 And I don't know how she's... 07:52 How does she do with dad 07:54 when he's talking to her on the phone? 07:55 Are they really good buddies? 07:56 Or has she started saying to him, 07:59 "Oh, you're not going to do that." 08:00 Has she started feeling like that with him? 08:02 No, I think she's still in that hopeful phase. 08:04 For me, personally, I wish she'd get out of it, 08:07 I'm more of a realist. 08:08 But now she still is happy when he calls. 08:11 I think there's, you know, because he doesn't call often 08:13 there's a lot of time for her 08:14 to kind of forget about the stuff he didn't do, 08:16 and so when he says he's gonna do something else, 08:18 it's like all new again, you know. 08:20 And so she just goes back into the hopeful stage, 08:22 happy when she gets off the phone. 08:24 Okay. And he doesn't deliver. 08:26 She's crying, you know, she's frustrated, 08:28 she has her mean streaks, her tantrums, 08:30 so it's just one big cycle and I am so exhausted. 08:33 Yeah. 08:35 I almost just was, step out of your life 08:37 and into a whole different space of life 08:39 for just for a few seconds and get it out, 08:42 pull it out together some kind of way. 08:44 So what have you tried to resolve the problems 08:47 between you and Lauren? 08:49 Oh, I guess not much of anything other than... 08:51 You know, when he does promise her things, 08:53 she does come back telling me. 08:55 She doesn't do it as often anymore 08:56 because I'm always like, well, no, it's not happening. 08:59 No, he's not getting out when he said he's getting out. 09:01 I mean I'm just trying to be real with her. 09:03 The reality is, he doesn't have a saying when he gets out. 09:05 And so he keeps telling her over and over again 09:07 that he's gonna get out this time. 09:09 So for me, I guess I just tell the truth, 09:11 he's not getting out, he's not gonna do the things 09:13 he said he's gonna do, 09:15 maybe he will when he gets out, 09:16 but there's no point in holding your breath about situation. 09:18 Okay, yeah, I saw you say right there in the video too 09:22 that he doesn't have a saying when he gets out, 09:25 maybe it's not what you're saying, 09:27 but do you think maybe if you could change how you say it. 09:31 You think that might make a difference. 09:34 What I see in Lauren from the video 09:36 that she just braced herself, 09:38 she was already ready for you to say was not gonna happen, 09:41 and why it's not going to happen, 09:44 she already has an argument prepared for you. 09:46 So she's expecting... 09:48 Maybe we can do the unexpected so, you know, have you tried... 09:53 You do understand that, 09:55 ultimately, this is not a problem 09:56 between you and Lauren, 09:58 but this is a problem between you and your husband 10:00 that needs to be resolved. 10:01 Yeah, I think so. 10:02 What have you tried to do with him? 10:04 Well, he doesn't listen. 10:06 You know, I mean we're on the phone, right, 10:07 so when I get frustrated, I hang up, 10:09 when he gets frustrated, he hangs up, 10:11 so we really don't talk much. 10:14 We argue a lot, so when I do tell him, 10:16 "Hey, you know, at least can you be considerate it, 10:19 she's waiting up at nights for phone calls 10:20 that you said you were gonna make 10:22 and you don't make them." 10:24 He's always full of excuses 10:25 or he just simply just doesn't want to talk about it. 10:28 Before he went to prison, was it the same... 10:30 Was he full of excuses, 10:32 not wanting to talk about things? 10:34 I would say he was working on it. 10:37 We talked about these same things before. 10:38 It just seems like it's been a whole lot worse 10:41 since he's been in jail. 10:42 So, yes, he would not come through on some things, 10:44 but then he make it up to her. 10:46 And I think right now he doesn't have 10:47 the ability to make it up to her 10:49 when he's in prison. 10:50 So it just seems like it's always happening, 10:51 you know, these letdowns. Yeah. 10:54 Okay, so it sounds like too that just a frustration 10:57 and aggravation is a constant in your life, 11:00 like they've moved in 11:02 with a whole suitcase of clothes, 11:03 they just change clothes every day and, 11:06 you know, when you wake up they're there 11:07 and when you go to bed, they're there. 11:09 So at some point we're going to have to deal with 11:13 how you manage that frustration and aggravation 11:16 because you have to be able to come to him calmly 11:19 and be able to come to her calmly. 11:21 It's kind of... 11:22 You're the pivotal point here, where you... 11:25 In this very heart, 11:26 it's not easy and at some point, 11:28 we hope there is someone else will be able to step up. 11:31 But right now is you have to kind of carry things 11:34 on a little bit for everybody. 11:36 Okay, so let's talk about a few strategies 11:39 that you can do to just kind of 11:41 get the ball rolling in a different direction, okay. 11:43 It may not fix everything 11:45 but it can be certainly be of good help. 11:47 What do you think about that? I think that will be good. 11:50 Okay, so you can talk to Lauren, 11:53 and you can explain to her, 11:56 help her to understand what the prison situation is. 12:00 In other words, he's not in control of his schedule, 12:04 and you have to say this on her terms, 12:06 so you can't say huge words, you may be able to say, 12:09 you know, how when you go to school 12:11 and then they tell you when to have recess, 12:14 and when to have lunch, 12:16 this is a situation that dad is in the exact same situation. 12:20 Other days when you really want to have, 12:22 you know, recess early as she might say, 12:25 yes, I'm sure she will. 12:26 Or when you just want to have recess all day, 12:29 and she, of course, will agree to that. 12:31 Then you say to her 12:32 but the teacher says you can't do it, 12:35 so there are people who say to him, 12:36 he's saying, well, you know, I'm coming home, 12:39 maybe they told him he was coming home, 12:40 but then the people might say 12:42 he's not coming home, he can't come home. 12:44 So you will need to help her to understand 12:47 he's not in control of that. 12:48 She's just a child, 12:50 so she doesn't really understand 12:51 when you're saying, 12:53 he can't say when he's coming home 12:54 'cause what she understands, 12:56 he's an adult and adults can say anything they want 12:58 and they can make it happen, right? 13:00 That stuff, and I think in a way your teacher 13:02 that by you when you say it to her, 13:04 I don't care what anybody else says, 13:07 what I say, that's what you're gonna do. 13:09 So I make this happen, 13:11 so she's probably feeling why can't he make this happen. 13:14 So that's one thing 13:15 and then you can normalize her feelings of missing her dad 13:19 and of being disappointed. 13:21 So it's almost like you miss some, 13:25 you feel disappointed that he's not here, 13:27 you feel disappointed 13:28 that he's not able to help the way you like him to help. 13:33 So says you're experiencing that 13:37 and in the sense it may seem like 13:39 you don't really want to acknowledge that. 13:42 When she brings that to you, 13:44 it's very hard for you to empathize with her 13:46 because you're setting that out for yourself, right? 13:49 But what if you agree with her? 13:50 The Bible says, "Agree with your brethren 13:52 as far as possible." 13:54 So what if you agree 13:55 instead of addressing what she's saying. 13:57 You know, there's a song that says, 14:00 "He looks beyond my fault and he saw my need." 14:03 So she needs those feelings validated that, 14:05 yes, you know, you are missing him, 14:07 she is supposed to miss him, right? 14:09 That makes her human, 14:10 that makes her almost Christ like, really, right? 14:12 Yeah. 14:14 So what if you said to her normalize that feeling, 14:16 normalize, you know, I know you're disappointed 14:19 when Dad says things that he wants to do. 14:22 And even at some point you're gonna make it 14:24 like a little jump, 14:25 "That's your dad, girl, you know, the situation, 14:28 he can't make that decision, right? 14:30 And maybe someone told him that, 14:32 but it's not because he doesn't want to be here 14:34 'cause he wants to be here so badly." 14:36 So maybe we can reframe it, 14:38 change the way she's looking at it, 14:40 and change the way you're looking at it. 14:42 What about that? Would that help? 14:44 That will help. 14:45 I'm just kind of stuck I guess 14:47 because I feel like part of that, 14:48 I'm just making excuses for him. 14:50 I mean, I really don't know the situation. 14:52 I'm okay with that 14:54 trying to make amends with that at the home, 14:56 but I just feel like, you know, there are times 14:58 when he's just really doing things to get back at me. 15:00 Okay, so have you asked him? 15:02 Have you said, "Are you doing this to get back to me?" 15:04 No, I mean, we don't talk. Okay. 15:06 You know, we're always arguing. 15:08 Well, then let's make that one of your strategies too 15:10 is just have a conversation about nothing. 15:15 Liz, what does he like to do? 15:17 I don't even know anymore. I guess I could ask him. 15:19 What did he used to like to do when he was out? 15:23 Well, he definitely like going to fishing. 15:24 Okay. So then let's talk about that. 15:27 Ask him, "Do you remember 15:29 the biggest fish that you caught?" 15:31 Now this is what you're doing when you do that. 15:34 It will bring up really good feelings for him, right? 15:38 And then he will feel good about having fish, 15:42 and he'll get into talking about that. 15:44 Get off the phone 15:45 before you wander over into Lauren in reality. 15:49 Okay. Okay, so we kind of... 15:51 All I want you to do is open the gate for communication 15:54 and not necessarily try to solve problems. 15:57 There is too many problems 16:00 and with you having a limited amount of time on the phone, 16:03 you can't really solve a problem, 16:06 you can only start one, start solving, okay? 16:09 Okay. 16:10 Now one more thing I want you to do 16:11 is ask him to play a game with you. 16:13 Once you kind of get 16:15 the conversation going on Lauren. 16:17 So you'd tell Lauren, "Lauren, listen, we're gonna practice, 16:20 you being disappointed." 16:23 So what we're gonna do 16:24 is tell dad to tell you something 16:25 that he knows he can't do. 16:28 And then he's going to tell you that he can't do it, 16:31 so you always set her up. 16:32 And then you tell him to tell her something 16:34 you know you can't do, 16:35 like I'm gonna home in an hour or whatever, 16:38 and we remind her, you don't have to feel sad, 16:40 you don't have to feel angry 16:41 because you know he can't do this right now. 16:44 And there's always a chance 16:46 that things are not going to happen 16:47 the way you want to. 16:49 And we have to learn just in life in general 16:51 that you have to learn how to accept 16:54 and accept disappointments in life 16:57 because it's going to be some. 16:59 Isn't it? Yeah. Oh, definitely. 17:01 Okay, so she's gonna have a healthy dose 17:03 and so we may as well you assist her being fit. 17:06 So let's all, let's play the game, maybe... 17:08 You know, how often does he call? 17:12 Maybe once a month. Okay. 17:14 And she can even develop a little saying for him, 17:17 "Dad, I know you want to be here 17:18 but if you're not, I'm okay." 17:20 And so she's talking to him and she's talking to herself. 17:23 What do you think about those strategies? 17:24 I think that will work. Yeah. Okay. 17:26 Well, let's have a brief word of prayer. 17:28 Our time is out. 17:30 And I know that it doesn't resolve 17:31 all your frustration and anxiety, 17:33 and maybe at some point 17:34 we can do some positive self talk 17:36 or maybe some other type of strategies, internally, 17:40 for you to help you manage some of your feelings, okay? 17:44 Okay, let's have a brief word of prayer. 17:47 Thank you, Father, for today. 17:48 We thank You for the opportunity 17:50 to see You work through us and to be healed. 17:54 Dear, Lord, we ask that You would be with her husband 17:57 that he will learn to be able to say only those things 18:00 that he's capable of doing. 18:01 Being with Lauren is very difficult for her, 18:03 Lord, we ask that You would send her guardian angels 18:06 that will watch over her and protect her, 18:08 and help her to understand, 18:09 dear Lord, send a Spirit of God to be with him. 18:11 In Jesus' name we pray and praise you always, amen. 18:13 Amen. 18:14 Okay, you have a great day, okay? 18:17 You do the same. Okay, bye. 18:22 Hi, how are you doing? I'm doing good. I'm doing good. 18:25 Hey, Honey, are you on the phone still? 18:27 Yeah, I'm still on the phone. 18:29 Okay. Oh, good to hear your voice. 18:31 How are you doing? I'm doing all right. 18:34 Not so great, I'm still locked up in prison 18:36 but I'm doing the best I can do. 18:37 Okay, that's all we can ask you to do, right? 18:40 So tell me how are things going now? 18:44 I didn't know I was causing so many problems, 18:46 but since you came out 18:48 and did some therapy sessions over me. 18:50 Now I find out that sometimes 18:51 I'm more in a way that I thought I was. 18:55 Okay, well, like the way, more in the way, 18:57 maybe that you were contributing to some stuff 19:00 that you didn't realize you were doing. 19:02 Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Okay. 19:05 And how about you? 19:06 Well, we do get a chance here 19:08 now to talk about Lauren's feelings 19:10 and how she was responding, 19:11 the affect that it had when he made promises. 19:14 But yeah, I think it's working out. 19:17 She now talk more 19:18 and I've been trying to be more positive for her too. 19:19 Okay. 19:21 I quit making all the promises though, you know. 19:23 I'm learning to do little better. 19:25 I wanted to have everything, 19:27 but I just can't promise it to her right now. 19:30 Very good. That's great. 19:32 Well, let's take a look at the video 19:34 we made in your home. 19:35 And I also want to say, 19:37 we appreciate the prison system 19:38 for allowing you to have this counseling session via phone, 19:42 and we really do appreciate that. 19:43 So let's go to the video right now. 19:46 I was talking to dad yesterday, 19:48 I told him all about Loana branding, 19:50 grandma getting her new teeth. 19:52 I see you feed him on all the family information. 19:54 I also told him about 19:56 the Millers and their family vacation. 19:57 You did? I did. 19:59 He said it probably wasn't a good idea to go. 20:02 Well, why did he say that? 20:03 Like you, he doesn't know enough about them 20:05 and if you said I could go, then I could go. 20:07 Yeah, I still don't think that's a good idea. 20:09 I asked dad, when he was coming home. 20:11 What did he say? 20:12 He said, he's not sure and it'll probably be a while. 20:14 So I should just stay focused on life and have fun. 20:17 I think that's a good idea. How about you? 20:19 I do too. 20:21 That was awesome. Yeah. 20:23 What changed? Well, we're talking more. 20:26 Okay. 20:27 We're not fighting as much as we used to. 20:29 Okay. 20:30 Just about things we may have a disagreement, 20:32 but we work it out. 20:34 So one of things too, 20:35 we following those strategies you gave us, 20:38 you know, with me trying to contact her first, 20:41 before I listen to what Lauren has to say 20:43 and trying to be a team together. 20:45 Okay, that's pretty great. So you're working together. 20:49 What is that feeling like right now? 20:51 Less confusion, less stress, I feel free, 20:54 and I have fun parenting. 20:57 Yeah. Yeah, I don't feel much stress. 20:59 I mean, stress being in here, 21:00 but not stressed with the family, like I used to. 21:03 In fact, sometime I get kind of sad thinking about 21:06 how I wish I could have done this sooner, 21:08 and maybe Lauren would had, 21:10 you know, a better life going. 21:11 Yeah. 21:13 Well, we won't spend too much time in the past 21:15 because we can't change that at all. 21:17 We can only change the present, that's today. 21:20 And the great thing is that 21:21 you are acting on what you've learned 21:23 on how to do better 21:25 and that's all we really can do. 21:26 Is that right? 21:28 What changes are you seeing in Lauren? 21:30 Do you still think she is depressed maybe? 21:32 Oh, no, she's more open. 21:34 She talks a whole lot more than she used to talk. 21:36 Before, she just come home and just stayed in her room. 21:39 She's actually talking to me. 21:40 We talk about school, we talk about her friends. 21:43 And other thing is she just wants to be able to spend time 21:46 with both her mom and dad, 21:48 and so what we try to do now 21:49 is instead of me just handing the phone over to her, 21:52 we have like a conference call, 21:53 so I put him on speaker when we talk that way. 21:55 Oh, okay. 21:56 I'm just thankful, has more respect for her 21:58 'cause she was getting little out of hand for me, 22:00 you know, but now she's kind of calmed down 22:02 and respecting her mother and me as well, 22:05 so I appreciate that. 22:07 Well, how was she showing you disrespect? 22:10 Just by lipping off, you know, she knows that 22:12 I can't touch her being in prison, 22:13 so she gets something to say about everything 22:16 I was talking to her about but things are changing. 22:19 Okay. 22:20 All right, that sounds pretty good. 22:23 Which parenting stress did you find to be most helpful? 22:27 Well, just the open communication. 22:29 Open communication. Open communication. 22:32 And her knowing that we are partnering together 22:35 to parent her has been a big deal for her. 22:38 Even times when, you know, she may try to steal side, 22:42 one eye versus the other, parents against each other, 22:44 it doesn't work as much anymore, 22:46 you know, we just kind of laugh at it, you know, 22:48 on the phone just saying, 22:50 yeah, she's trying to ask you the same question. 22:52 So it doesn't work as much anymore. 22:54 Oh, okay, so little bit of humor helps, 22:56 and a lot of communication. 22:59 What about you, dad? 23:01 Well, I try to keep my positive conversation 23:04 going with her instead of being negative, 23:06 and then I don't say anything about 23:08 what I'm going through 23:09 'cause that's not her concern as a little kid. 23:11 But I'm trying to talk to her 23:13 about what's going on in her life. 23:15 Let her know that she can be anything that she want to be, 23:18 you know, and not to look at my mistakes 23:19 as something that's going to affect her 23:21 too much in the future, 23:23 just deal it with herself. 23:25 Did you guys try the phone, 23:27 I mean the game where you told Lauren before 23:30 that dad's gonna tell her some things that she can't, 23:33 there is not gonna come to etcetera, etcetera, 23:35 did you do that strategy at all? 23:38 We did. 23:39 Right, and so of course, you know, 23:40 it took her a while because hearing him say, 23:42 you know, "No, he can't do it," 23:44 it was kind of shocking, right? 23:45 She was so used to him just saying 23:47 this is what I'm gonna do and support you. 23:48 So it's kind of helping a lot of ways 23:50 because there are things around the house, you know, 23:51 I made plans and I can't really fulfill them 23:54 because of time constraints, and I had to tell, 23:57 "Look, we're not able to do this." 23:58 Well, she's kind of adjusted a lot more. 24:00 Before it was like tantrum this, tantrum that, 24:03 but I think because we play that game, 24:05 it's not only helping with just us parenting 24:07 but it's helping with me deal with, 24:09 you know, telling her, 24:10 "Look, things come up and I can't do that." 24:12 So she's not as disappointed anymore with things. 24:14 Or maybe she is, 24:16 but she's just not having the tantrums. 24:17 Okay, so were you finding that you were doing things 24:21 that you really couldn't do 24:23 because you didn't want to deal with the tantrum? 24:25 Oh, no, no, no, not at all. Okay. 24:27 But it was more, so I guess we just couldn't do them 24:30 because of time constraints, you know, 24:31 and afraid to really tell her knowing 24:34 what was going to happen now for us. 24:36 All right, but you would tell her. 24:37 I still would tell her. And it would be attained? 24:39 Oh, yeah, it would be attained. Okay. 24:41 So I'm now instead I've been doing, you know, 24:43 trying to be helpful, I try not to be the hero, 24:47 you know, like I was trying to be the hero to her 24:49 by saying I'm gonna do this and do that. 24:51 Well, I realized I can't do all those things. 24:54 So I just encourage her to listen to her mother. 24:57 She's the one that's way to right now 24:59 and just do what she says. 25:01 She loves and wants the best for her. 25:03 So that's one thing. 25:04 And the more united we are as parents, 25:07 I have to come to realize that the more successful 25:10 our parenting efforts are gonna be, 25:12 that's really been helpful to us both I think. 25:15 Man, I mean we have like a 180 degree turnaround here. 25:19 So what did you find it to be 25:21 least helpful of all the things, 25:22 what is the least helpful thing that you have tried? 25:31 I wouldn't say least helpful, 25:32 but more challenging, the most challenging. 25:34 That's good thing. 25:35 Probably, you know, just having more time with her, 25:41 you know, you're so used to not having that time 25:43 because you're filling that time with, 25:45 you know, the frustration, the stress, the anger, 25:48 you know, words that are exchanged that shouldn't be. 25:51 Now I have this time 25:52 and it's like, well, what to do with the time, right? 25:54 So now I'm filling that time with good positive things. 25:57 So that's been a challenge for me I think. 25:59 Okay, so what's been the most challenging for you, dad? 26:03 I'm still trying to work on this one, 26:05 trying not to feel guilty about not being there for, 26:08 you know, but like you have told me 26:10 in one of our therapy sessions, 26:12 don't feel guilty about my parenting skills, 26:15 I'm still her dad, 26:17 even though I'm still in prison. 26:19 But that's really been a challenge for me 26:21 'cause I do feel guilty sometimes, 26:23 but I'm learning to get over that 26:24 and just think about what's best for her. 26:27 Okay. 26:29 I'm really glad that we found 26:30 some helpful strategies for you guys. 26:32 And if you don't mind, 26:33 I like to have a prayer for you all before we leave. 26:37 Is that okay with you, dad? 26:40 Yeah, prayer is always good, you know, 26:41 I keep in touch with the Dare to Dream network 26:44 while I'm in here. 26:45 Is that right? 26:47 And then some of the churches come by and visit, 26:48 bring us some stuff, you know, snacks and things. 26:51 So I appreciate prayer too. 26:53 Okay, so let's bow our heads and have a brief prayer, okay? 26:57 Most honorable Father, 26:58 we're just so grateful for Your wisdom 27:00 and for Your willingness to heal families, dear Lord. 27:03 We just praise Your holy name 27:05 that sometimes these problems seem to be so big 27:08 and it's just such a simple solution. 27:10 Lord, we just thank You so much. 27:12 And, Father, as we move forward 27:14 and we're looking for today coming home soon at some point. 27:18 We ask that you would continue 27:19 to hold this family in Your hands. 27:21 Keep them bound together with love and above all things, 27:24 Lord, that each of us be ready 27:25 of thy soon Second Coming to return home 27:28 with you and with all of our children, 27:30 in Jesus' name we pray, amen. 27:32 Amen. 27:33 All right, so we're gonna be very... 27:35 I'm very grateful that you guys are doing so well. 27:37 I'm just gonna praise the Lord for you 27:38 and keep you all lifted in prayers. 27:40 Please do. 27:41 Okay, you guys, have a great day. 27:43 You do the same. 27:44 All right, Honey, I'll talk to you later. 27:45 All right. All right. Bye-bye. 27:49 Adjusting to the return of an absentee parent is hard, 27:52 but it's not impossible. 27:54 Remember, the goal is to support each other 27:57 as Christians and lead your children to Christ. 28:00 It takes teamwork. 28:02 When parents are divided, the family won't survive. 28:05 Work together, remain calm, and support each other. 28:09 Mistakes will be made, but forgive yourself, 28:12 and forgive your spouse 28:14 and continue to strive to be united. 28:17 Remember, press together. |
Revised 2019-10-21