Participants:
Series Code: RQRA
Program Code: RQRA000006A
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00:01 I don't understand.
00:04 Why did this have to happen to me? 00:08 I feel like I just can't make sense of things. 00:12 I need answers. 00:15 Where is God? 00:22 Relationships, relationships, relationships. 00:27 I don't know if it would be possible 00:29 to do a program of questions that young people ask most 00:32 without covering that topic. 00:34 Welcome to Raw Questions Relevant Answers. 00:36 And this is a program 00:38 where we look at the common questions 00:40 that you as young people have been sending in 00:43 to be answered. 00:45 My name is Michelle Doucoumes. 00:46 I'm here with my co-hosts, Dee Casper, and Mark Paden. 00:49 We are the relationship experts. 00:51 Okay, wait, we're actually not. 00:53 But we are going to try to look at your questions biblically 00:58 and do our best with the help of the Holy Spirit. 01:02 So we're going to go to our first question today. 01:04 This question was sent in from a 26-year-old female. 01:09 Is there such a thing as too many rules 01:13 and overthinking a relationship? 01:17 What you think? Yeah. I mean... 01:19 I would say yes and no, but I'll let Mark answer first 01:22 I think there's... 01:23 Okay, there's two sides to this. 01:25 Where this question, I think, is coming from is that 01:28 there has been a movement to add in more rules 01:32 and thinking into relationships 01:34 because on a general note in society, 01:37 you know, we don't have a lot, 01:38 you know, hookup with somebody for a weekend, 01:40 and then, you know, it's just... 01:41 In many ways, dating now is very lucid. 01:46 Conditional. Yes. 01:48 It doesn't have the commitment and the beauty 01:50 and the principles 01:51 that are characterized in the Word of God. 01:55 However, sometimes what I think can end up happening is that 01:58 those of us who have grown up in it 02:00 and who have had a lot of emphasis 02:04 placed on relationship rules and dating 02:07 can sometimes get into this mode 02:09 where you start to overthink everything. 02:13 And so instead of thinking in a normal way, 02:15 you can easily overthink it. 02:18 Honestly, I think the answer of the question is yes and no, 02:23 but the determining factor is you, right? 02:26 'Cause you can overthink it, but you can also underthink it. 02:29 The key, I believe, 02:30 is to really see God in His Word 02:32 and other spiritual counsel. 02:34 God doesn't want us to have analysis paralysis 02:37 in this selection of our future spouse. 02:40 I mean, we believe that there are biblical principles 02:43 who we can work with that kind of understand 02:45 that the purpose of relationships is marriage, 02:47 not just to do it that wilt and hope for the best. 02:51 There should be some intentionality here, 02:53 but in order to kind of teach 02:54 or to kind of open that discourse, 02:57 there have been some who've laid out principles 02:58 that are kind of going beyond... 03:00 It's kind of what the Pharisees and Sadducees did. 03:02 They had, like, 37 laws for the Sabbath 03:04 that you can't find in the Bible. 03:06 If you spit on the ground, you're plowing the soil. 03:08 If you untie your shoe or do a finishing stroke... 03:11 And the intentions were good. 03:12 We definitely don't want to break the Sabbath. 03:14 Let's just ensure that no one does. 03:16 And this can, at times, put us in situations 03:18 where there's so much fear of doing the wrong thing 03:21 that we don't know how to do anything. 03:23 And so I can resonate to some degree 03:25 with that thought process of 03:27 it seems like it's a little too much to some degree, 03:30 so how do we go about this process of 03:32 like meeting and going forward, 03:33 but their question was, "Is it possible?" 03:35 Yes, it's possible, 03:36 but it's also possible for us to be so self-confident 03:40 in our ability to recognize the situation 03:42 without receiving godly counsel, 03:44 without talking to our parents, 03:45 without talking to their parents, right? 03:47 Some of these godly principles are in Scripture. 03:50 Then when we do that, 03:52 we end up in situations that we regret later 03:54 and wish that someone would have told us. 03:56 And those principles were there to protect us 03:58 from that situation. 04:00 And you know... So hang on. Mark, go ahead. 04:02 On that too, we do really have to think 04:05 about the solemnity of this decision. 04:08 Yeah. 04:09 I mean, you don't really want to have 04:12 divorce as an option. 04:14 I mean, that messes up a lot of people's lives. 04:16 Think about your kids, right? 04:18 And so going into this, 04:20 you're really making a decision for life. 04:22 That's God's way. 04:25 And when you think of it in that context, 04:28 I mean, when you're looking to buy... 04:30 Well, okay, in my case, 04:32 I may be looking to buy a camera. 04:33 I'll have that camera for three years, right? 04:35 Maybe four. After that, it doesn't matter. 04:38 I can get a better one, but with the wife, 04:42 that's a little bit different, you know. 04:43 And this is really huge. 04:45 It's the idea that relationships 04:47 are sacred, are special. 04:49 I read once how whenever we step into someone's life, 04:52 it's like we're stepping on sacred ground. 04:55 And if you're working towards more intimate relationship, 04:58 like a romantic relationship and leading towards a marriage, 05:02 think about the sacredness of that. 05:04 But maybe it's often easy to think about a lot of rules 05:07 because it's hard for us to understand the principles. 05:11 But God is a God of principles 05:13 that He likes to give us a picture that we're following. 05:16 For instance, the intentionality is huge. 05:19 I've had someone tell me before how you know, 05:22 "Hey, a relationship or a courtship is successful 05:25 as long as you decide whether or not 05:27 you and that person should get married. 05:29 Yes. Well, yes. Amen to that. 05:31 But I disagree. 05:33 Really? Yeah. 05:34 To some degree, I do. Go ahead. 05:35 I agree and disagree. 05:37 I agree, but yet, at the same time, 05:39 how do we do the relationship. 05:41 Are not all relationships meant to teach us 05:43 more about how to love people? 05:46 How to treat people like Christ? 05:48 They're all a growing experience. 05:51 And if we're not doing a relationship in that way, 05:53 we can have an ungodly relationship 05:55 even if it is solving the issue 05:58 of whether we get married or not. 05:59 So how do we go into it? 06:01 Do we go into it with that respect, 06:03 with that object of treating the other person 06:06 as Christ would treat them? 06:08 Are we looking at how we deal with people's hearts? 06:12 We are holistic beings, mental, emotional, physical. 06:16 Many relationships get out of whack 06:17 in one of those areas, 06:19 even if a physical is way ahead of the other two 06:21 or some imbalance that can lead to hurting hearts. 06:24 And so I would encourage... 06:26 Yeah, there can be too many rules, 06:28 but in order to not focus on rules, 06:30 they do some research about the principles God had 06:33 for what relationship means, what it's for. 06:36 And that can really lead us 06:37 to treat it in a very special way. 06:39 Yeah. 06:40 In the context of my amen, 06:44 this is one of the biggest reasons 06:45 why people are so discouraged by all these rules 06:48 and regulations they get thrown in their direction is 06:51 they feel the only reason 06:52 they can even consider starting a relationship 06:54 to some degree is how they feel 06:56 whether that's what's actually being taught or not, 06:57 how they feel is, "I can't even date this person 06:59 if I'm not going to marry them," 07:01 or you go through the process of getting to know them. 07:03 And the problem is there's so much pressure on them 07:05 that when the relationship falls apart, 07:07 they start questioning everything they've ever known. 07:09 "Do I even know how to hear from God, 07:11 is everything about this wrong?" 07:13 And there is this yoke 07:14 that comes from a failure of sorts 07:16 that they don't know what to do with. 07:18 And the point that one of the lessons you learn 07:20 through this process was 07:21 there wasn't a fitness for a marriage. 07:23 And it's better to learn that now than later. 07:25 But you went into this one with intentionality to see 07:27 if you were fit for marriage. 07:30 I think there's both sides to this principle, 07:31 and I really like what you brought out on your point, 07:34 which I think is super, super important. 07:36 It isn't talked about near as much. 07:39 We have another question here. 07:41 This is coming from another female 07:44 who is asking, 07:45 "As a young single female, I don't date, 07:48 but I want to be a wife and helpmate to a godly man 07:53 who works for the Lord in these last days. 07:55 Is prayer my only option in this case? 07:59 I know it sounds awful to say 08:01 because prayer is always the best option, 08:03 but is there anything else I can or should be doing?" 08:07 I'm sitting here on a panel with two men, we have... 08:10 So I guess I'll interject, 08:12 and then you guys can help out this question too. 08:15 As another young single female, I hear you. 08:19 I understand how that is that often we wonder, 08:23 "What do we do? How do we wait?" 08:25 You know, some principles that I have seen 08:27 is in Luke 16:10, Jesus says, "He who is faithful in little, 08:32 be may ruler over much." 08:35 If we are not given a relationship or helpmate 08:38 or husband at this time, maybe consider 08:41 what are we doing with what God's given us? 08:43 Are we being faithful with the task 08:45 with the relationships that God has now? 08:48 Those are the things that prepare us. 08:50 I've seen this in my life. 08:51 God puts friends, God puts ministries, 08:54 God puts opportunities in my life 08:56 that shape me and shape my character. 08:58 As I look back, 09:00 those are things that are going to effect 09:02 how I am with my future husband. 09:04 Yeah. Am I making good use of that? 09:06 The other thing is 1 Corinthians 7:34, 09:11 Paul talks about how, you know, 09:13 married women look for the things of their husband. 09:15 Single women get to focus on the things of the Lord. 09:18 Paul even goes so far to say, 09:19 "Hey, maybe it's better to be single in some cases." 09:23 But regardless of how long you'll be single, 09:26 are we taking advantage of the time that we're single. 09:29 It is a time when we can focus on the Lord, 09:31 when we can do growth in certain areas 09:33 that we may not be able to focus on as much, 09:36 when we have a family, 09:37 when we have those God given obligations. 09:40 And so maybe some faithfulness in those things now 09:43 can be of help. 09:45 I would just briefly say that it's a prime time 09:49 to search our own hearts in the sea where we're broken, 09:52 any issues we may have from residual upbringing, 09:55 whether it'd be from our parents, 09:56 if you grew up in a divorce home, like I did, 09:58 or something else, 09:59 any insecurities you have, any tendencies, 10:01 or, you know, shortcomings you see in your personality 10:05 that cause problems in our personal relationships, 10:07 this is the best time to search your heart 10:09 to find counseling, to find healing to ensure that 10:12 whenever that time does come for a relationship, 10:14 there's less you're bringing into that 10:16 that you guys deal with later. 10:17 It's far better to deal with those issues now 10:19 than in the midst of a situation 10:21 of merging two lives together. 10:23 You know, one other thing too that I would say to that, 10:25 part of the question is, "Is there anything 10:28 I can be doing in the meantime?" 10:30 It seems like with the implication like, 10:32 "Am I just supposed to wait and sit and pray 10:35 and like is this all I can do?" 10:37 I think one of the beautiful things 10:38 about the gospel is that there is a certain... 10:43 Well, we can't do anything to atone for ourselves, 10:45 well, we can... 10:46 There's no such thing as creature merit. 10:48 It doesn't do anything. 10:50 There is an aspect in which in day-to-day life, 10:53 God does expect us to do things. 10:55 God doesn't ask us to just sit here on the planet 10:58 and pray and ask Him to do 10:59 every single little thing for us. 11:01 He says, "Get up, go out, take the Gospel to the world." 11:06 We aren't the ones who bring the increase, 11:09 but we plant the seed. 11:11 We water the seed, right? 11:12 And I think it goes 11:13 the same principle applies in this situation, you know. 11:18 When you're waiting on God on this and praying 11:20 and asking Him to bring the right person to you. 11:24 You have something to do 11:26 and going out and meeting people, right? 11:28 You can go and get to know other people. 11:31 I mean, you're not... 11:33 God isn't going to just magically bring 11:36 the perfect husband to you 11:38 just riding on a pelican or something, right? 11:40 He could. He could. 11:42 You probably won't know. Yeah, exactly. 11:44 You know, just go out there, like get to know people, 11:48 invest in relationships with people 11:52 that are like-minded, 11:54 talk with them, get to know them. 11:55 And find out where God is leading you in life 11:57 and pursue that with every ounce of your being. 11:59 And if this person isn't moving in the same direction 12:01 that God is leading you, 12:03 then it's probably not going to work. 12:04 And this is why it is important for us... 12:07 You know, Adam and Eve both had time alone with God 12:09 before God brought them together 12:10 to know who they were and where they were going. 12:12 And I think it's an important and helpful principle 12:14 that who are you, where are you going, 12:17 and if that's not in harmony, that helps you to know 12:20 whether you're moving the same direction or not. 12:22 So take advantage of that time to find out who you are. 12:25 Right. How you go. 12:26 You know, I've heard it like this. 12:28 Look at how much is a person like me? 12:31 Is that compatible? 12:32 Do we match, but how much is this person like God? 12:35 Yes. That's a bigger thing. 12:37 And where are we going? 12:38 There's council about 12:40 is this person going to expand your sphere of influence, 12:43 your usefulness in this life? 12:46 And part of it, like you all mentioned, 12:48 is maybe God's wanting us 12:50 to learn more about His call for our lives first, 12:53 how do we know if we're going 12:54 in the same direction as someone 12:56 if we haven't asked God about our direction? 12:57 Yeah. 12:59 I want to read this really quick. 13:01 These are some words of wisdom that I heard. 13:05 And this is speaking to a young man 13:07 in regards to relationship he's currently pursuing. 13:10 "If the atmosphere surrounding her 13:11 is the most agreeable to you, 13:13 if she meets your standard for a wife 13:15 to stand at the head of your family, 13:18 if in your calm judgment 13:19 taken in the light given you of God, 13:21 her example would be worthy of imitation, 13:24 you may as well marry her." 13:26 So basically, if they're really agreeable to you, 13:29 if they meet your standards to be your wife, 13:32 and if they are living in... 13:37 If they are worthy to imitate, 13:40 then that somebody that is you can feel comfortable with. 13:43 We become like those 13:46 that we are the closest to, you know. 13:48 So this is a big decision. 13:49 I just encourage each of you 13:51 who are praying about Godly relationships 13:53 to continue praying but also prepare. 13:56 Let the Lord make you who He has called you to be. 13:59 And then He will bring you someone 14:01 that fits with that in His time. 14:03 Thank you for watching. We'll see you next time. |
Revised 2018-08-09