Participants:
Series Code: RQRA
Program Code: RQRA000009A
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00:01 I don't understand.
00:04 Why did this have to happen to me? 00:08 I feel like I just can't make sense of things. 00:12 I need answers. 00:15 Where is God? 00:20 Hello and welcome to Raw Questions Relevant Answers. 00:23 A program where we're taking questions from young people 00:26 that we received on Facebook and online 00:28 dealing with heavy, hard issues. 00:30 I'm excited to have today two friends of mine 00:32 as co-hosts of the program, 00:34 Michelle Doucoumes who's a college professor 00:36 and Mark Paden who's a freelance filmmaker. 00:38 Today's topic is family, 00:41 issues that happen within the family, 00:43 family matters. 00:44 So I'm going to ahead and dive right into our first question. 00:46 This is from a 15-year-old female in Tennessee. 00:49 This is the question. 00:51 "Why do parents shelter their teenagers so much 00:53 from the world when they know 00:54 we are going to encounter it after high school? 00:57 Wouldn't God rather have us experience it 00:58 while our parents have us under their control 01:00 and can help us through it? 01:02 Doesn't He realize that when it all hits us, 01:04 it can hurt us? 01:05 Why would He let those people do that to us?" 01:08 Heavy question. Yeah. 01:09 So here's the first thing. 01:11 The first part of the question 01:13 is why do parents do this, okay? 01:15 And there's a lot of reasons why parents do it. 01:20 Some is probably out of sense of wanting control. 01:24 But there's a lot of parents who genuinely just want 01:27 what's best for their kids, you know? 01:29 And when the parent has grown-up, 01:32 they've seen all the bad stuff happening in the world, 01:35 and they see all the things 01:37 that people can get involved in, 01:39 they want to keep their kids from that. 01:41 And that's totally not only understandable but very good. 01:47 The problem comes in though 01:48 when a parent is a little bit too scared of those things. 01:54 And what ends up happening 01:55 is that there's a kind of sheltering 01:57 that happens that backfires. 02:00 And I think one of the biggest things 02:05 from my experience that I've seen 02:06 is that lovingly showing your children 02:11 what principles are while giving them freedom 02:15 to choose at age-appropriate times, 02:17 of course, is one of the most effective recipes for success 02:22 because then a young person has the ability 02:26 to make their own decision against these things. 02:29 But it really has to be focused in love, 02:32 in on how it's communicated. 02:36 Yeah. 02:37 You know, you think of the first time 02:39 that humanity fell into sin and temptation, 02:43 God gave His children a freedom to choose 02:46 in the Garden of Eden, right? 02:48 They had this tree of the knowledge of good and evil, 02:50 they weren't supposed to go there. 02:53 And He didn't stop them though. 02:57 He didn't cut them off from it, but He did caution them. 03:00 You know, there were things 03:01 they weren't supposed hanging out around, 03:02 and that they weren't supposed to be there alone, 03:04 without each other. 03:05 But when they violated that, 03:07 they fell into that temptation. 03:09 Some of those safeguards were there as safeguards. 03:14 He didn't cut them off from their temptation, 03:16 but He didn't want them to be overly tempted 03:18 in a wrong situation. 03:20 And there is something that's appropriate. 03:21 I believe our parents 03:23 should try to not let us be in situations 03:28 that we can't handle that are going to be unhealthy. 03:31 And so that balance though can be difficult. 03:35 And sometimes, parents, meaning well, may shelter too much. 03:39 I remember feeling like that as a child. 03:41 At one point, I thought, 03:42 "Man, why don't other kids get to..." 03:45 "Why don't I get to do what other kids do? 03:47 And watch this and do that and what not. 03:49 I'm not going to do that to my kids." 03:51 Looking back, there actually was some wisdom. 03:54 At that age, it wouldn't have been good for me 03:57 to be exposed to certain things. 03:59 On the other hand, you're right. 04:01 If you never learned how to handle and interact 04:04 with the crazy things in this world, 04:07 that can actually open up to more temptation later. 04:10 I think it's one of those situations 04:12 where there's very good intentions 04:13 but poor execution. 04:14 And in many situations, 04:16 they probably are regurgitating the way 04:18 that they were taught. 04:19 And I think, we all need to kind of come 04:21 from a fresh perspective when we're in leadership, 04:23 of understanding the principle of self-governance, 04:26 of liberty of conscience 04:27 that we give information to people, 04:30 but we give freedom to make their own choices 04:31 and particularly for our kids, 04:33 they actually nailed this. 04:34 I was so impressed with the way 04:35 the person phrased the question, 04:37 "Wouldn't God rather us experience it 04:38 while our parents have us under their control 04:40 so they can help us through it?" 04:42 And that's exactly right. 04:43 That's self-governance in a sentence. 04:45 That you're given freedom to make your own decision, 04:47 but it's in a situation where you can actually be given 04:50 mentorship and correction when a wrong decision is made, 04:53 and you can talk through the thought process 04:55 that led to this decision. 04:57 "What was it that you..." 04:58 And not just, "What were you thinking?" 05:00 It's like a shaming approach, 05:01 but, "What were the thoughts that led you 05:02 into making this decision 05:04 and how can we make 05:05 a different decision going forward," 05:06 because what we're really hoping to do 05:08 is to train them to think and reason for themselves 05:11 when confronte with the decision. 05:12 As opposed to sheltering them from any bad choice, 05:15 teach them how to make the right choice 05:17 when conflicted or tempted to make a wrong one. 05:20 That's a really, really big deal. 05:21 Do you have something else before we move on? 05:22 Yeah, this is a quote from the book Education 05:24 that's super relevant. 05:26 "To direct the child's development 05:28 without hindering it by undue control 05:31 should be the study of both parent and teacher. 05:33 Too much management is as bad as too little." 05:37 Wow! So they're both bad. 05:40 "The effort to break the will of a child 05:41 is a terrible mistake. 05:43 Minds are constituted differently, 05:44 while force may secure outward submission. 05:48 The result with many children 05:50 is more determined rebellion of the heart. 05:55 While under authority, 05:56 the children may appear like well-drilled soldiers, 05:58 but when the control seizes, 06:00 their character will be found to lack strength 06:02 and steadfastness. 06:04 Having never learned to govern himself, 06:07 the youth recognizes no restraint 06:08 except the requirements of parents or teachers. 06:11 These removed, he knows not how to use his liberty 06:13 and often gives himself up 06:15 to indulgences that proves his ruin." 06:16 Wow! 06:18 And so this I think comes as a strong warning 06:20 to parents and teachers especially 06:22 to really, prayerfully seek out to do this 06:24 and how to put this into practice. 06:27 Wow! Super, super important. 06:29 The topic of self-governance is just big. 06:31 Second question. 06:33 We don't have an age for this one, 06:34 but, "How can I come to know God in a way 06:36 that isn't influenced by the family relationships 06:39 that have hurt me in the past?" 06:41 This is actually something we addressed 06:42 in a former episode of how can I try to see God 06:45 in the right way whenever the people 06:47 that God intended to show me 06:49 what He is like failed me in their role. 06:51 Any thoughts on that? 06:53 Yeah, I think one of the biggest... 06:55 'Cause again, getting back to the Word of God. 06:58 I don't think we can over emphasize this point, 07:01 stop looking to people, stop looking to people. 07:03 Look to God. 07:05 Look to the goodness and love of God. 07:06 Look to Him as He defines Himself 07:08 in this book. 07:09 This is your safety. 07:11 Any looking at parents, teachers, and pastors, 07:15 whatever, no matter how good they are 07:18 and how smart they are, they're not God. 07:21 They can't be our only judge, right? 07:23 God gave them to us with the intentional objective 07:25 to be the object lesson of what He's like. 07:27 They're meant to be there for us to see, 07:30 but don't let that be the only, 07:32 you know, means to which you make that decision. 07:34 Yeah, you know, a big principle with this 07:37 is that we are not defined by our past. 07:42 We're affected greatly by those things. 07:46 But I wouldn't want anyone to walk away feeling 07:48 like just because 07:50 you grew up with a certain family environment 07:52 means that for life, that is your destiny. 07:56 We have a choice. We do. 07:57 And we have a choice in God's Word, like you said, 08:00 to go and to find these things 08:01 to develop an identity of our own, 08:04 the identity God has for us regardless of that background. 08:08 And in a very practical sense, 08:09 it takes defining how we've been hurt honestly. 08:14 If we don't recognize an issue, 08:16 we're not going to be able to address it. 08:17 The first stage is really is taking a look at 08:20 what has hurt us 08:22 and how has this defined in our minds, 08:23 the view of God and comparing that to the Word of God 08:26 and saying, "Does this line up?" 08:27 Yes. 08:29 If it doesn't line up, throw it out. 08:30 Yeah. This is the amazing thing. 08:31 The question itself shows 08:33 that this individual has an awareness 08:35 that many don't in this situation, right? 08:38 Many wrestle with poor views of God 08:40 because parents failed them or family members failed them. 08:43 Not as many know why. 08:46 So the fact that this person recognizes this 08:48 is a sign of a great maturity, 08:49 and that God's already granting wisdom 08:51 that will lead to freedom, right? 08:53 Because you need to know what the problem is 08:54 before you can deal with it. 08:55 Yeah. And I think that's amazing. 08:57 I'm very grateful that God has given them that perspective. 09:00 Last question here is, 09:01 "When there is a divorce in a Christian home, 09:03 how can you handle it and be grounded in Christ?" 09:06 This is from a female who is 26 in the state of Illinois. 09:10 I grew up in a home where divorce took place. 09:12 My parents where three or four when that happened. 09:15 Now it was not in a necessarily Christian home, 09:19 somewhat of an unchurched home to some degree for me. 09:22 But the question is 09:24 "How can you handle it and be grounded in Christ?" 09:25 It's even harder in that sense 09:27 because there's a sense of moral understanding 09:30 and accountability where it's just shunned, 09:32 it's not approved of. 09:34 It's not something one would want in this sense. 09:36 And what do you do? 09:38 Like, what do... 09:39 First of all, how are other church members 09:40 going to view me? 09:42 That's part of the pressure you contend with. 09:43 How are they going to view my parents? 09:45 How do I make sense of life? 09:47 Like, I may end up in two different places. 09:49 There's a lot of weight on a person as a young child 09:51 that they didn't ask for, that they're just inheriting. 09:54 And so the question is 09:55 "How can you handle it and be grounded in Christ?" 09:58 We need... 09:59 It depends on how young the person is 10:01 I guess in this stage. 10:02 But if they're a teenager, 10:04 we desperately need to be seeking the Word of God 10:06 for ourselves 10:07 and seeking a communion with God to fill in those voice 10:10 or we're going to have emptiness and vacancies. 10:13 One of the common threads that happens in divorces 10:15 is sometimes the children are wondering, "Is it my fault? 10:18 Am I somewhat responsible for what's going on?" 10:21 So there can even be shame, 10:22 unnecessary shame that we may be feeling 10:25 because of this that can cause us 10:27 additional difficulties as well. 10:28 But there's a God in heaven who hasn't failed us 10:31 even when our family has, 10:33 if it was because of a moral shortcoming 10:35 on Mom or Dad's behalf, God didn't do that. 10:38 And God's love is unfailing, it's not divorced, 10:41 it's not separated, it's not divided. 10:43 He has always been faithful to Mom, 10:45 He's always been faithful to Dad, 10:47 He's always been faithful to me. 10:48 And if there was no one else I can talk to, 10:50 He's safe and I can trust Him. 10:53 You know, I want to come in here with another example. 10:58 I had a friend named Vera Onkoba. 11:02 Last year, she passed away. 11:04 She was 36 years old, and, you know, she had a freak... 11:08 Her heart just stopped, you know. 11:10 She was driving to work one day, and it just stopped. 11:13 The next day, she came back, her heart stopped again, right? 11:17 But she went through this situation 11:18 in which she got really hurt. 11:23 Her heart really got hurt at one point by somebody. 11:26 And she described how she got over it 11:29 was that she came to God every day, 11:31 and He was her counselor, 11:33 that He came to her and... 11:36 She would come to Him and just pray 11:37 and just pour out her heart to God on a daily basis, 11:40 telling Him what she'd gone through 11:42 and asking for His healing 11:43 and then going to the Word of God. 11:45 I've never met a person who loved the Word of God 11:47 more than she did. 11:49 Like, some people, like, they know the Word of God 11:51 or they believe in the Word of God, 11:52 she loved the Word of God. 11:53 And she was so kind to everybody, so compassionate, 11:56 so giving up herself. 11:58 And I think that came and how she related to God, 12:02 how she came to Him and was healed by Him. 12:05 God has promised to heal 12:06 the broken and the hurt, you know? 12:09 I think when we go through those things, 12:11 when we go through... 12:12 Maybe it's divorce in our family 12:13 or maybe it's some other difficult situation, 12:17 I think it would be good if we did that same thing, 12:20 going back to God and just pouring out 12:22 our burdens before Him and laying them down 12:24 and asking Him for healing and learning what He's like. 12:28 And through that process, I think we'll find healing. 12:30 You know, with this, it's a sad reality 12:33 that divorce is not just for non-Christians. 12:37 And I believe that a reason for that 12:38 is because Satan is angry. 12:42 The family is meant to be a representation of God. 12:45 We have all these marriage 12:47 and family illustrations of God's love for us. 12:49 And so, of course, Satan is going to attack that. 12:53 And so if someone is watching, and you're like, 12:55 "Well, I have a Christian family, 12:56 how did this happen?" 12:57 Realize we have an enemy who is out to destroy, 13:00 especially families. 13:02 And it may not be that your family is evil or bad, 13:05 but they're struggling too. 13:06 Yeah. They need your prayers. 13:09 We need that healing. 13:10 All of us need that healing 13:11 that God gives us is the only way 13:13 to heal the brokenness that happens 13:14 because we have an enemy. 13:16 Yeah, and a lot of this starts 13:18 because there's some form of brokenness 13:19 that Mom and Dad individually are grappling with. 13:21 And it helps us to understand going in relationships, 13:25 whenever we get to make that decision, 13:27 when we grew up in divorce homes, 13:28 we realize the ramifications of some of those environments. 13:31 And it's an intrinsic motivation 13:33 to bring our brokenness to Christ 13:35 to ensure that we don't continue that pattern. 13:37 I know that's certainly a big burden of mine 13:39 is I want to be made well 13:41 to ensure that I don't end up in the same position 13:43 of putting my children in the same position 13:46 that I went through. 13:47 And I think it's a privilege for us 13:49 to be able to have access to a God 13:51 who'd literally makes all things new. 13:53 We're told in Revelation 21 that He says, 13:55 "I'll make all things new 13:57 and My promise to do so is true, 13:59 and it is faithful." 14:01 You can take it to the bank. 14:02 If you have further questions you'd like to ask us, 14:04 you can go to our Facebook page, RQRA3ABN. 14:08 We'd love to hear from you. 14:09 And we'll see you on our next program. |
Revised 2018-08-20