Participants: Chris Lang
Series Code: SF
Program Code: SF000044A
00:10 It's been years since my divorce.
00:13 I'll be honest, 00:15 making peace with my second time singlehood 00:18 sometimes feels like 00:19 making friends with a big alligator 00:21 out here on this creek. 00:24 This is not been easy 00:26 and it's sometimes awkward 00:28 especially, in the church. 00:33 Single adults now represent 00:35 almost half of all US households. 00:39 And given its emphasis on the traditional family, 00:42 the Christian Church can seem disconnected 00:45 from this growing group. 00:47 So I asked other Christian singles 00:49 and pastors to share their stories and perceptions 00:54 and I found that potential for compassion 00:57 and service is wider and deeper than ever. 01:17 At first, people were always asking me 01:20 why aren't you married and they have stopped asking 01:23 and I don't know if that's a bad sign or what but... 01:27 It was very, very hard because I was young, 01:29 I had her at 18 and I was shocked. 01:33 I got the "labeled" of the single mom, 01:36 the young girl that has a child out of wedlock 01:39 and so I guess I looked-- 01:42 appeared to the church members as loose. 01:45 When I would come home, 01:46 or we would go in family things, 01:48 there were times where 01:49 because of my husband's addictions and things 01:51 that the devil worked on him very hard. 01:53 It made it very difficult. 01:54 There was this cloud hanging over. 01:56 So we would live very different, you know, lives. 01:57 We would live and no one would know. 01:59 I would go to events, I would go places, 02:02 I would do things and they saw us as, 02:05 you know, this family of musicians 02:09 that sang and were connected, you know, with the church. 02:13 I was a gay identified man. 02:15 I was out and proud and I paid the price for that. 02:18 You know, I was beaten up several times, 02:20 thrown out of my house at the age of 19 for being gay. 02:23 So I know what it's like to be accountable 02:25 in wearing a gay label or a gay identity. 02:28 I didn't become a Christian to reject that. 02:31 As a matter of fact, when I first became a Christian, 02:33 I thought that I would eventually reconcile it too 02:37 and I couldn't. 02:38 I said something about and I paused a moment 02:41 because I didn't know what I should say. 02:44 And I used finally the term my former wife. 02:50 To use that terminology is painful for me, 02:54 it really is. 02:56 I guess if I hated her 02:59 or was angry with her, I could refer to her 03:04 in those terms and not feel anything. 03:07 About 11 months ago my husband took his life, 03:09 I mean, commit suicide and I was thrusting to being 03:14 a single parent all of a suddnen 03:15 being a widow, being a victim of suicide. 03:20 Marriage in the decrease, singleness is on the increase, 03:23 cohabitations is on the increase, 03:24 divorce is about the same. 03:26 We have more single adults now than we did. 03:29 Higher percentage, you know. 03:31 In the 1950s, it was about 26 percent. 03:34 Now it's 45 percent and cities, 03:37 big cities have 50 percent or more. 03:40 I sat down with Wendy Widder, 03:41 Randy Thomas, and Terry Hershey 03:44 who described the awkwardness 03:46 of falling outside the churches is norm of marriage and family. 03:51 Do you think they don't know who their single adults are? 03:53 Of course, not and they look at you and say 03:55 what does I have to do with the question, you know. 03:59 I want you to tell about this class I'm supposed to have. 04:05 There is a main stream and we even call it the "Norm." 04:09 Right. Right. 04:11 Whether it's family 04:12 or however you are supposed to be in the church, 04:14 the kind of faith you have, the kind of look you have, 04:17 there is a norm. 04:18 And anybody who doesn't fit in the norm-- 04:21 well, who did Jesus hangout with? 04:23 He hungout with those people. 04:25 And so as a church, you got to ask 04:27 how are we telling stories for the least of these, 04:31 for the people who don't feel like they fit. 04:34 And I don't think the church intentional excludes them 04:38 but because this focus in the church has been 04:40 so much on families 04:42 if the church doesn't intentionally include them, 04:46 this demographic, they are being excluded. 04:48 And so it's difficult 04:50 to walk into the church as a single person 04:51 and really feel like you fit. 04:53 Yeah, there is the feeling of talking to a group of people 04:56 that I know does not want to become me. 05:00 They want to get married and have this better life 05:03 and so I'm trying to convince them. 05:04 "The better life." Yeah, exactly "better life." 05:07 I've been celibate for the last 18 years. 05:09 So I've really wrestled with singleness 05:12 and what does it mean for a single person 05:15 to live out faithfully in Christ, 05:17 in the body of Christ. 05:19 I just don't think it's healthy for any person to be isolated, 05:25 you know, in the body of Christ by any kind of label. 05:28 And singleness is the biggest label there is. 05:32 We labeled singles and put them apart 05:35 and what about our needs, 05:38 you know, as part of family of God 05:41 and to fellowship with other people? 05:44 We know they are there 05:45 but I don't think that it's on anybody's priority list. 05:50 I feel pressured sometimes, 05:51 like I should be dating may be its because I'm 28, 05:53 almost getting 30 but, you know, 05:56 may be I'm gonna pass my time or I should be, 05:59 you know, focusing on a family and stuff like right now. 06:02 Sometimes with adults from the church or relatives 06:06 just are asking me, "So when is your turn? 06:08 When are you going to hold your little one?" 06:10 And I'm thinking "Please don't ask me that question." 06:14 I had a dear saintly woman tell me one day 06:18 as I was getting ready to move somewhere. 06:20 She said, "I just want you to know I'm praying for you." 06:22 Thank you. 06:24 Absolutely please, keep doing that, I need that. 06:26 And she said, "I'm praying for a man for you." 06:30 Thank you. 06:31 And I didn't take that personally in a bad way 06:34 because I know that she was 06:37 a happily married woman 06:38 who wanted me to experience 06:40 the same kind of happiness she had known for a lifetime. 06:43 So, okay, I've leaned to get used to that. 06:45 But her next statement 06:47 is the one that just makes me cringe. 06:49 She said, "I'm praying for a man for you, 06:51 you are too good to waste." 06:55 For mother's day, my son was invited to a beach activity. 07:01 The people that were doing the activity 07:04 were good friends of mine. 07:05 When I was married and we used to eat together. 07:09 I wanted to be in that beach party, 07:11 I loved to be, I wasn't invited. 07:14 I felt so hurt 07:16 that they look at me like you pertain to singles 07:19 and you don't belong here anymore. 07:22 People appreciate a direct, honest answer than-- 07:25 instead of beating around the bush. 07:26 So if they said, you know, "What's your testimony like? 07:29 I'm gonna go ahead predominantly 07:30 deals with homosexuality." 07:33 "Oh." I'm like, "Don't freak out. 07:35 You know, if you have any questions 07:37 feel free to ask me." 07:38 So hopefully I'm a little more gracious now 07:40 but back then it was 07:42 Father for sitcom scripting. 07:47 Everybody just trying to find a silver lining for you always. 07:53 It just like that's just human nature when, 07:57 when any number of other circumstances 07:59 occur in someone's life, that's just 08:01 "Oh, well, what can we do to help? 08:03 What can we say?" 08:05 So, you know, that it's good to not be tied down to anyone 08:09 and think of all the opportunities 08:11 that you've had and it's better than being divorced 08:15 and any number of things that could be true in a way, 08:21 but are not the complete truth. 08:23 So in the end it's kind of like, 08:25 "Really? Thanks. I'll give that some thought." 08:30 I had a guy ask me other day 08:32 that I've been friends with for a long time, 08:34 and he is older and he is married 08:37 and we've just-- I've been friends with his family, 08:38 he goes "So are you gonna be an old spinster?" 08:42 I'm like... Oh. 08:46 How do you answer that? Yes, I am. 08:49 Thanks. 08:50 Yeah, how're you going through that? 08:52 How do you answer that? 08:54 During this prayer meeting 08:55 I poured my heart out to my church family 08:58 and told them that, you know, 09:00 I'd had a breakthrough that I felt that God 09:03 was really getting through and teaching me to rely on Him 09:06 and that I could have peace in being single. 09:09 And right after the meeting, 09:11 an elderly lady came up and sat right next to me and said, 09:14 "Honey, it's gonna be okay. You are going to find somebody. 09:18 I know God has somebody planned for you." 09:21 And it was just like... 09:23 I saw a magnet advertising a church ladies ministry, 09:28 cute refrigerator magnet. 09:29 And the picture on the magnet was a baby, 09:34 "fearfully and wonderfully made" from Psalm 139. 09:38 Appropriate for ladies' ministry, 09:40 yes, except they told me 09:42 that it was really a ministry for mothers 09:44 and I probably wouldn't belong there. 09:46 Some people could say, well, you know, what's-- 09:48 you could have a single women's retreat 09:51 with issues that are pertinent to you. 09:57 No, because they are not shoving us over 09:59 into this corner and making, illuminating the fact that, 10:03 yes, we are singles and we have special needs 10:06 and we are like relationally remedial, you know. 10:11 So please remind us of that. 10:13 Since I've heard this said across the country in churches, 10:16 "Men, talk to your wives about going to the men's retreat." 10:19 You just knocked out 45 percent of the men. 10:23 "Women, talk to your husbands like, 10:24 how about going to the women's retreat next month." 10:26 You just knocked out 45 percent of women. 10:29 Because they are sitting there single, they are not married. 10:32 And say, "Whether you're married or single, 10:34 please we want you in the retreat. 10:36 We have fellowship and learning in growth." 10:39 You know, they have all these sexual windows and, 10:42 you know, for all of us out there 10:44 it's like we even either look stupid 10:46 because, you know, by trying to laugh at well, 10:48 we don't know what they are talking about. 10:49 I mean, we do, 10:51 but we don't in some deeper ways. 10:53 And so, you know, people if we are laughing 10:56 trying to look like we are fitting in 10:58 then I would be like, "Well, what are you laughing at? 11:00 You know, how do you know about that?" 11:03 So it makes us feel-- Awkward. 11:05 It's very awkward and like, 11:07 I'm a 31-year-old adult 11:10 and someone else is 31 and an adult as well, 11:14 but in that situation I'm made to feel like, 11:18 you know, like I'm 13 11:19 because that's what big girls know about, you know. 11:23 I was part of a church where we had-- 11:24 you signed to do dinner with age 11:26 or whatever, a dinner group and you had to sign up. 11:28 And the announcement sheet 11:29 said that singles should sign up in pairs. 11:33 Well, I'm not a pair. How can I sign up in a pair? 11:39 Discounts for couples. 11:41 We like to say, if you buy one ticket $10, 11:43 if you come as a couple, it's $15. 11:46 I had another friend called me up and insist that, 11:48 he and his wife knew somebody 11:50 that I need to take noticed to and the more the conversation 11:53 went on I found out that the guy 11:55 that they were having in mind for me 11:57 is the same age as my parents 11:58 and I kept saying, no, I think that's a bit older. 12:02 No, but I think-- 12:03 "but he is a very young, you know, 60 something." 12:07 I'm like, oh. 12:08 "No, you don't understand he is my parent's age." 12:10 "Oh." 12:11 A visiting pastor came to our church 12:13 and he was teaching us how to do Bible studies 12:16 and it was geared for couples 12:20 or at least two people doing these studies and he-- 12:22 the whole time that he talked, it was in reference to couples. 12:26 And so I raised my hand and I said, "Well, 12:28 what do you if you are single, you know, 12:31 and you still want to give Bible studies?" 12:33 And he said, "Well," 12:35 it took him kind of a back a little bit and he said, 12:39 "You will need to find a partner, 12:40 somebody else that's single I guess, 12:43 that is willing to do that with you." 12:45 And then he said "And plus, you know, 12:47 you may fall in love with your partner." 12:49 And I was just like good grief. 12:57 I want to be peaceful at whatever stage I'm at 13:03 but I would never, I wouldn't say that 13:06 I'm happy to be single at this point. 13:10 I wanted us to be together but I knew that 13:14 that we couldn't be unless he loved the Lord 13:17 and he was going to be able to be the spiritual leader 13:20 of me and our potential family. 13:24 I couldn't, I couldn't give that up and I-- 13:28 I mean, God had to come first. 13:30 And he knew that 13:32 and so the relationship ended and it was really, really hard. 13:37 Yeah, there's been quite a few people 13:41 that have come into my life 13:43 and I think well, may be this is a good thing 13:45 and I said, "Oh, wait a minute. 13:46 He is not meeting this one part that I need." 13:49 He is everything that, you know, 13:51 everything but one thing and he is not 13:53 the same denomination and that would be like, okay, 13:56 whose church are we going to, 13:57 yours, mine, what are we gonna do? 14:00 Being single and overcoming so many temptations 14:05 or so many negative things, it's not easy. 14:10 But I remember the most painful days of my life. 14:17 I would be confused where I turn, you know. 14:20 I even felt insecure opening up to a person, 14:23 even a family member 14:25 because I didn't want their sympathy. 14:27 And maybe that's just part of us 14:29 wanting to be strong all the time. 14:36 There was this one prayer that I said, "I said, Lord, 14:39 I'm so tired of hurting. 14:42 I know you want me to be happy, 14:45 so please give it to me," you know. 14:48 And I begged Him and I begged and I just felt flat on my bed. 14:54 "Listen, Lord, please hear me now 14:55 because I'm giving You my heart. 14:59 If it means, if it means having, 15:02 you know, being involved in ministry whatever it is 15:04 I want to heal but I want to heal in Your way." 15:07 I mean, I had this whole life figured out 15:09 that that was my only option 15:11 and so to pursue Christ meant that that was all gone now, 15:15 and what is it mean to be a Christian? 15:18 What are my goals now? 15:20 And I call my first years a Christian, 15:22 my year of grieving because everything I had ever known 15:26 and been comfortable in, my identity and community, 15:29 was gone. 15:30 So with each passing relationship 15:33 I have more of a sense of panic 15:36 because I think, you know, I'm in my 30s now, 15:39 was that my last chance. 15:42 Am I now going to be single forever, was that it? 15:46 And was I just too picky? 15:49 You know, what if that was the guy? 15:52 I'm finding that the closer I come to Christ, 15:55 I get to be me 15:57 and I'm realizing that me is okay 15:59 and if a single person doesn't know that me is okay, 16:03 a single person needs to find out that me is okay. 16:06 I may not have a child out of wedlock 16:09 or I may not be divorced. 16:11 If you are, you need to know 16:13 that you are not different than I am 16:14 and I'm not whole because 16:16 I don't have a single child out of wedlock 16:18 or because I've never been divorced. 16:20 I still am broken. 16:22 We are all a part of this sin sick world. 16:25 I can't clear the Grand Canyon anymore than Carl Lewis. 16:28 I can't save myself anymore than you can. 16:31 We need Jesus. We all need Jesus. 16:34 I've had some people say, "Well, you get over it." 16:37 Those are the wrong words to use, folks, 16:39 I don't care who you are if you are listening to this, 16:41 you don't use those words with anybody. 16:44 Whether it's a death, it's a divorce or what it is, 16:49 you never get over anything. 16:51 You grow through it, that's God's wish, 16:54 is it we grow through our problems. 16:57 I mean, I thought through, 16:59 you know, what crisis could come my way 17:01 and how am I gonna respond the next time? 17:03 You know what, would I be responding the same way? 17:06 Would I be as scared? 17:09 I know, there's blessings on the other side of this 17:11 so I feel like I would see it differently 17:13 and I would encourage other to see crisis differently, 17:17 to use it and not run from it. 17:19 I don't want to ever see someone, 17:22 if I can help it go through situation 17:25 that I went through that doesn't feel safe, 17:28 I want them to know that I'm at safe place. 17:32 If I believe that He is my heavenly Father, 17:37 He has, He has a plan for my life, 17:43 He is my Creator, He formed my being, 17:50 it's gonna have to be okay for right now. 17:52 If He thinks it's okay, 17:53 it's gonna have to be okay with me. 17:59 There is no secret 18:01 To a life full of laughter 18:05 But remember There is no such thing 18:08 As happy ever after 18:11 You might as well stop wishing And hoping 18:14 It isn't always Greener on the other side 18:19 Take it from me 18:20 Life is good 18:22 God is on your side 18:26 Take it from me 18:27 Life is good 18:29 God is on your side 18:37 Life is good 18:43 What is the first thought that comes to mind 18:45 when we hear Singles' Ministry? 18:48 Convention, 60, 80 percent females, 18:52 five males, I don't know. 18:55 A ratio of about 100 women to 1 man, 19:01 women who are always there 19:03 and one single man who is just there. 19:07 I gave a conference a chance one time 19:11 and went attended and there was a huge room 19:14 and they said we are gonna do speed dating and I thought, 19:17 "Okay, I have never done this before. 19:18 We will see what happens here." 19:20 And they had all rows of tables and like, you know, 19:22 it's not hard to catch on how this is supposed to work. 19:24 Well, I happened to be wearing this animal print top 19:29 and I went to go sit down in front of this gentleman 19:32 that must have been 75 and all of a sudden 19:37 before I even sat all the way down he-- 19:39 I heard him saying, 19:40 "Ooh, you are prettier than a zebra." 19:44 And I... 19:45 A meet market. 19:47 Oh, you know, I tried going in several times 19:53 with an open mind, with an open spirit 19:56 and maybe the problem was not with the singles at all. 20:00 Maybe the problem was within my mind 20:02 and as everybody looking at me, "Do they want to date me? 20:06 Suppose she is kind cute?" 20:09 It's a meet market. A meat market? 20:11 M-E-E-T. 20:13 Meet markets, dating services. 20:16 You got to decide what you want here 20:17 because we say a lot of singles adults will also say, 20:19 "Uh, it's just a meet market." 20:21 But then of course, if they meet somebody, 20:23 then they say, "No, this is God's will." 20:26 I think, oh, hope they don't call me, you know. 20:32 Singles' ministry, I think 20:35 is, it mainly gonna be a lot of old people in the church. 20:39 I think it's a good cause. 20:41 I hope that more people will get involved. 20:43 What's the first thing you think of 20:45 when you hear the term Singles' Ministry? 20:51 Go ahead, take your time. 20:53 I probably shouldn't shut each other 20:55 because there are good singles' ministries out there 20:57 but the ones that actually do good work 20:59 probably don't call themselves Singles' ministry. 21:03 And they integrate more fully into the body of Christ. 21:07 Now with Singles' ministry it's just all about 21:09 who you are going to meet 21:10 and who are gonna end up going out 21:12 and it was just always this awkward, 21:14 awkward ministry that was out there and, 21:17 boy, when the humor 21:19 and being thrust into that after having all of that 21:22 my own personal baggage related to Singles' ministry. 21:25 It's very different. 21:27 I feel very different about it now 21:28 and that the opportunity to minister to that group 21:32 and be part of that group 21:34 has been a huge part of this journey. 21:36 And, you know what, 21:38 we are only one heartbeat away from singles. 21:41 One heartbeat away. 21:44 I may not need the single adult ministry today 21:46 but I may need it by Thursday. 21:49 People who are single need support in other ways 21:52 than people who are married. 21:53 And I think it's very important that people have that channel. 21:57 They have something that they can feel a part of 21:59 and can, you know, be in community 22:01 as a single person and understand 22:03 what singlehood means, you know, biblically 22:05 and what it means to them personally. 22:07 So I think it's very important. 22:08 I got wonderful single friends, especially when my husband died 22:13 and I went to potluck and told the whole story uh, 22:18 it was wonderful that they were there for my support. 22:21 Not for dating and everything, 22:22 this has been a support system for me. 22:25 Singles' ministry is something that should always exist. 22:29 The only thing that changes iwith Singles' ministry 22:31 is may be the leadership. 22:32 What happens in leadership? 22:34 Sometimes our leaders get married, 22:36 sometimes our leaders get unfortunately burned out, 22:40 sometimes our leaders have so many other ministries 22:42 that they have to move on. 22:44 But no matter who was the leader, 22:46 Singles' ministry should always be a part of the local church. 22:50 The pastor actually mentioned it to me several years ago 22:55 and when he asked me that I was actually kind of insulted 22:59 because I thought, 23:01 "What, I don't want to be the representative of singles', 23:03 because I don't want to be single 23:05 and I'm not gonna accept it and I'm not gonna settle." 23:08 And so I just poo-pooed his suggestion 23:12 and moved on with my pursuit of finding a spouse. 23:16 And, 23:19 God has taken me through this journey of being single, 23:24 trying to teach me many things, 23:26 one of which is be content with having Me only. 23:33 So through that path, being single, 23:38 even though I still want to be married someday, 23:40 being single lost its ugliness for me. 23:45 It wasn't offensive to me anymore, 23:48 the thought of starting a singles' group. 23:52 And then I happened to mention in a prayer meeting once 23:55 what I was going through and some of the stuff 23:59 and a couple other people said, 24:00 "Oh, we are going through the same thing 24:04 and we don't have any, you know, 24:05 where to go or any support or anything." 24:09 And that just kind of got the wheels turning 24:11 and I thought, man, may be I'm not alone in, 24:14 you know, these struggles and... 24:17 So that's kind of where it started. 24:19 I don't feel one bit equipped, 24:21 I don't feel that I have all the answers. 24:24 I mean, I struggle 24:26 and there are days that, you know, 24:29 I drowned my sorrows in ice cream 24:33 and eat a pound of chocolate but I just, 24:38 I don't think that anybody has all the answers 24:40 and if we waited for a leader that did, 24:44 we would be waiting a very long time. 24:47 I'm estimating now. 24:48 I can't speak for other denomination. 24:50 I've traveled in many of them, 24:52 I've read some-- talked to the leaders. 24:54 Probably a good guess would be about 20 percent 24:58 of the churches in those denominations 25:01 would have some form of single adult ministry. 25:05 Now that could be a single parent 25:06 fellowship group with teaching curriculum and discussion, 25:09 that could be a divorce recovery, 25:12 that could be a widowed group, 25:13 that could be an age fellowship group 25:15 with teaching and discussion and activities and retreats. 25:18 So young adult group or single adult group any type-- 25:21 you know, this is a vast animal we are talking about here. 25:23 Single adult ministry is a big, big issue 25:27 from age 19 to the oldest we've had is 85 25:32 because single adults come in all ages 25:34 just like married adults. 25:35 All these individuals have a different worldview 25:38 because of the experience. 25:39 You know, you have someone in their 60s 25:41 who perhaps lost their husband or wife, 25:44 you know, for whatever reason. 25:47 Their worldview, and their needs, 25:49 and their expectations are totally different 25:52 than a sophomore in college, you know. 25:54 So to bring those two individuals 25:58 to one place and talk about singleness, 26:03 it's gonna be a huge disconnect for someone. 26:06 God wants us to relate to other types of people 26:11 but yet, on the other hand, of course, 26:13 there is a need for single adults to be taught 26:17 some of these issues and discussed 26:19 from a single adult perspective. 26:21 Just because we have a class or single people go, 26:25 it doesn't mean we are doing ministry with singles. 26:27 Now any church I go to I ask this question, 26:30 "How many single people are on your church staff? 26:33 How many single people are key lay leaders in your church? 26:36 How many single people 26:37 are part of the mission board in your church? 26:39 How many single people are part of the worship team 26:42 or the music ministry in your church? 26:44 How many single people are teachers 26:46 in your Christian education in your church?" 26:47 In other words, if they answer that question is slim or none, 26:50 then it doesn't really matter how many classes you have. 26:53 Part of the function of a singles' ministry, 26:55 if you are going to have one, 26:57 is helping singles 27:03 grow to the point 27:06 where they accept who they are in Christ in the body. 27:13 Now that's not just a statement about a singles' class, 27:16 that's a statement about the young married class. 27:18 What should be the purpose of any Bible class, 27:22 gathering of believers meeting together to grow? 27:25 What should be the purpose? 27:26 Well, understanding who you are in Christ 27:30 and who you are in His body 27:33 and what your role is in that body. 27:36 If pastors and leaders cannot start a single adult ministry, 27:38 some churches can't, I know that. 27:40 They can at least be sensitive 27:42 to the needs and issues of single adults, 27:45 "inclusive in their language." 27:47 Don't just give married examples and family examples. 27:50 Give biblical examples of people 27:52 like Jeremiah who never married. 27:55 The Lord told him to never marry. 27:56 Biblical examples like Ezekiel who was widowed 27:59 and wrote the whole Book of Ezekiel. 28:01 Biblical examples of Hosea who was divorced. 28:04 I know my God is strong enough to get me through this. 28:08 But I would say to the pastors of our church, to any church, 28:14 love your people, I don't care what they do. 28:18 Let them know you love them. 28:20 And you don't have to tell them this. 28:22 Its way we treat people. 28:25 They know whether they are loved and accepted or not. 28:28 And they know if it's just a facade 28:30 or down deep in your heart you really love them. 28:34 They know, they read us like a book. 28:38 So if I can't really love my members genuinely, 28:47 I better just pray to the Lord 28:49 will send somebody else who can love them. 28:57 Like the easiest thing that you can do is, you know, 29:01 put a mail together, invite some single people 29:02 to your house and just hangout. 29:05 Let's just hangout, come to the house and hangout. 29:07 You know, you cater to them, you are their host, you know, 29:10 just invite them to your house. 29:11 You know, allow them also to see hopefully, 29:16 a healthy working relationship in your home, okay. 29:19 So maybe provide some inspiration. 29:21 Provide some inspiration. 29:22 Now if you're in a really bad relationship, don't do this. 29:26 You don't want to bring people and model, you know, 29:29 "what not to do," okay. 29:31 So... It's a basic... 29:33 Perhaps it will be a good thing. I don't know. 29:35 Perhaps single people will be like, 29:36 "Yeah, I don't want to be married." 29:38 No, I'm just saying. 29:39 Now don't be afraid to invite single people 29:42 along with if you are inviting a bunch of married couples 29:45 because we are used to being around everybody, 29:47 no matter if you are single or married 29:49 it's kind of nice to-- 29:51 when you do get invitation to go somewhere-- 29:53 But she need an option. 29:54 To have-- 29:56 to be able to bring somebody with you if you would like. 29:58 I actually belong to a fellowship group 30:01 where I'm the only single person. 30:03 But the great thing about that is, 30:05 is that nobody really notices. 30:08 You know, I have a lot of friends who are, 30:10 friends who are married and friends who are single. 30:11 It's-- I think it's very healthy dinner 30:13 because if you hangout with only married couples 30:15 it's kind of like, oh, man. 30:17 If you are like you're third-- what you call a third wheeling 30:19 it's like a old time all the times, 30:21 it's like, oh, man, you know, this is kind of annoying. 30:24 But you have like single friends too, 30:27 this is like, yeah, you know, okay, I'm hanging out 30:29 with married people that are cool, 30:30 kind of get away from that little bit hangout 30:32 with single people. 30:34 So you need to have that balance. 30:36 It's just kind of gives you better perspective. 30:41 There you go, bro. 30:44 Oh, man. 30:45 I have found that it's helpful 30:48 to have a wide variety of friends 30:51 because if anyone give important time 30:53 there is gonna be multiple ones of you 30:55 that are going through something. 30:57 So you can help support the other ones 30:59 when you are not going through 31:00 and then you can have somebody help you out 31:02 when you are going through something. 31:04 Yeah, when everybody has a tough time 31:05 you just going to cruise. 31:08 Holidays are tough times for single adults. 31:11 Don't just fellowship with other married people. 31:13 We tend to hangout with people like ourselves. 31:16 When is the last time you married couples 31:17 invited a single adult out with you? 31:20 When is the last time you had them 31:21 over a Thanksgiving dinner? 31:22 When is the last time you took them off 31:24 for Easter dinner? 31:25 Especially these single parents 31:27 they are struggling financially. 31:29 They don't have the wherewithal. 31:31 And after my husband passed away, 31:32 we were circled with-- 31:34 I mean, I mean it we had about 12 people in my home 31:36 that night that were there. 31:38 I had someone spent the night with me. 31:40 I had people the next day 31:41 to come to the house and spend, 31:43 and just spend time and they just kept coming. 31:46 Even till this day the Facebook posts, 31:48 the cards and all of that were manifestation of God's love. 31:54 If you stop and think about 31:55 the things your church celebrates, 31:59 my guess is, is that once people 32:02 pass high school or college graduation, 32:04 the things that you celebrate are either 32:06 40th birthday or retirement, 32:09 but between those things, 32:12 you celebrate people getting married 32:14 and having children. 32:16 And if you are a never married single with no children 32:21 that leaves you waiting for your 40th birthday 32:24 or retirement before anyone in the church. 32:26 And the black balloons and all of that. 32:27 Before anybody in the church realizes that, 32:30 you know, there's something to celebrate here. 32:32 And I just think it's a simple shift in thinking 32:35 that we are not so much celebrating 32:37 the rights of passage and these special events 32:40 as we are celebrating life. 32:43 So what's worth celebrating? 32:47 There's a lot worth celebrating. 32:48 There I guess-- Celebrate all of those years? 32:49 Yes, inviting everybody I know, 32:51 to come to my place and give me gifts, this is I am. 32:55 Because we love to go to baby showers 32:57 and we love wedding showers. 33:00 I don't even know what that would be. 33:02 Would it be just, you know, 33:03 here's a party let's celebrate the fact we're single. 33:05 I don't know. 33:07 Lot of people have their big closets full 33:10 of bridesmaid dresses that they'll of course, 33:12 never wear again the typical-- 33:15 "when am I gonna ever wear this?" 33:18 So we should all like have a giant party 33:21 and wear all of our bridesmaid dresses 33:23 so that we can say, "Yes, I wore this again." 33:26 Maybe it could be as bridesmaid dresses pageant. 33:29 Yes. 33:31 A bridesmaid dresses pageant, very yes. 33:34 What could be more festive than that. 33:36 I could think of few things. 33:39 I've talked to several of my single lady friends 33:42 and it's usually at the same time in the wedding 33:45 where we have these certain thoughts. 33:47 When you see the bride marching towards the groom, 33:51 you start thinking 33:53 and you picture yourself there as the bride 33:56 with the veil on the dress and you are walking up. 33:58 And then start thinking, 34:00 "I'm not really sure whose face I'm seeing yet." 34:04 You are not sure 34:05 but you may see, think about your future. 34:07 To be honest, yeah, it can help to think about your future. 34:11 But the thing that the church doesn't realize 34:13 that there will be people who won't marry, 34:16 who may choose... 34:17 By choice? By choice. 34:19 And who may not marry for different reasons 34:22 and they should be celebrated as much as marriage 34:26 and I'm not trying to lift myself up 34:28 and, okay, give me a party. 34:30 You know, I don't want that. 34:31 But I wanted to ask you 34:33 if there is gonna be Randy Thomas, 34:34 you know, so you know, annual events. 34:36 Celibacy parade. 34:38 Celebrate "celibacy.com" No. 34:42 Life is not a cookie cutter. 34:44 Man, woman, the 2.5 kids, you know, 34:48 there's different forms of families 34:50 and I'm a different form of a family. 34:52 My daughter and I are-- 34:53 its always been her and I and so therefore, 34:55 I think I have a different take on life, 34:58 a different perception on life. 34:59 And so therefore, 35:01 I think that it's a positive thing for the younger kids. 35:03 I do a lot of more of the teenager, younger kids 35:06 and I'm able to give them guidance 35:07 from the experiences that I've had in life. 35:10 And she'll come in, "Markiya, why is your room not clean?" 35:12 I cleaned it this morning, I promise, 35:15 Chloe did it. "Quit blaming the dog. 35:21 Quit blaming my baby, she just didn't no any better." 35:25 She knows what she is doing 35:26 because when she sees me, she's runs. 35:30 How is the church body built up because, because I'm single? 35:36 What do I contribute that other people can't? 35:40 And there are different ways to answer that question 35:42 and you will be unique to the family that you are in. 35:46 But as far as my married friends go, 35:49 Ahh, sometimes I can give them the gift of a night out. 35:52 I watch their kids, okay. 35:54 Finding babysitters is hard and it's expensive but 35:58 "I'm your friend, I'm in the church, 35:59 I'll help you. 36:00 You go have a date and I'll watch your kids." 36:03 And they don't mean that flippantly actually 36:06 because to spend time with their kids 36:09 is important to me 36:10 and I want their kids to see a single adult 36:16 who isn't sad and pathetic and miserable. 36:19 It's not--to the body of Christ 36:21 to make me happy, you know. 36:23 I have to be-- Intentional. 36:24 Intentional and playing myself 36:26 into the body of Christ, 36:28 Pressing through the hard stuff 36:29 and rejoicing in the good stuff. 36:31 If I don't know what to do ask myself what do I have? 36:34 Anything, anything. 36:36 What do I have, what do I do well? 36:39 And then come to your pastor and say to him or her, 36:42 what can I do to help you? 36:44 Where are their needs in the church? 36:47 I love to play the piano. 36:49 I have a passion for writing 36:51 and God is giving me the opportunity 36:53 to use all of those in the church. 36:55 I play at church, I sing 36:57 and I'm the editor for the newsletter. 36:59 So I get to do all of those things 37:01 for the church and for God. 37:04 And I love that because He gave the talents to me. 37:08 He didn't want me to use them just to glorify myself. 37:11 I use them to bless others and it just gives me deep peace 37:18 knowing that I didn't toss those talents aside 37:21 or use them for selfish gain. 37:23 Being in these different ministries, 37:25 you are meeting so many different people 37:27 and you just go to church and you are like, 37:29 "Oh, hey, Monica, how are you now?" 37:31 And, you know, I've met all these people 37:32 through other CHIP program is another thing 37:34 I'm involved with but anyway 37:36 that's a Coronary Health Improvement Project. 37:37 So all these people from the community come in 37:39 and some people from the church 37:41 and so they see me every Sabbath 37:42 and we know each other through, 37:44 you know, these different ministries. 37:46 So what other opportunities 37:48 does that make available that only I can fulfill? 37:51 And when I'm looking at it that way 37:53 from serving, from, you know, being the one 37:55 that's, helping other people sit down, 37:57 from being the one 37:58 when everyone is fanning themselves in the church, 38:00 being the one that getting up and go figuring out 38:02 what just happened to the AC. 38:04 You know, from seeing, 38:05 you know, the other day 38:07 seeing a young mother with three kids, dad not there, 38:11 you know, finding an umbrella to take her to the car, 38:15 I have these opportunities to do that. 38:17 Single adults in the Christian church 38:18 are filled with gifts, talents the church needs. 38:25 God needs everyone's gifts, everyone's talents. 38:29 Another singer invited me to come 38:33 and I attended, I want to see how it was. 38:37 On a Friday I went to a rehearsal 38:39 and they had a need and I hate to say this 38:41 but a tenor so I ended up singing 38:44 the tenor portion of it and I really enjoy it 38:46 because it's a ministry 38:49 that not everybody wants to be involved in. 38:51 And so when you are there, 38:53 you are singing in front of a couple hundred people, 38:54 it is very intimidating standing up there. 38:57 But getting it-- with ones who brought me in, 39:01 I truly enjoyed the camaraderie, 39:03 I enjoyed the fellowship 39:05 and the friendship that we got as a group. 39:07 And so it just has become such a part of my life 39:10 On Friday to Saturdays that I don't miss it for the world. 39:13 You really should only take on the ministry things 39:18 that God has placed on your hearts specifically, 39:21 because there was a time in my life 39:23 where every need I saw, 39:26 I was gonna fulfill it 39:28 and I was gonna take care of it. 39:29 I tend to over commit myself, 39:32 So, yes, I go through complete panic modes 39:36 of trying to get it all done 39:38 and then, okay,everything is okay, 39:39 and then try to get it all done and then it's okay. 39:42 And I don't think I can blame anyone else for that. 39:46 to sum up my the benefits and some of the positives 39:50 of being able to be a volunteer coach at the YMCA 39:53 Ahha, coaching for new water polo 39:56 is the direct impact you have on young lives, 39:59 to be able to share Christ with them 40:02 through that of skill training, through character development. 40:08 That will go like the... 40:16 Down here in Downtown, Orlando, 40:19 they feed the homeless here in the park 40:22 on the second Saturday of every month 40:24 so I've gone and joined that for a couple times 40:26 and then there's also lots of retirement buildings 40:29 that are down here too. 40:30 So I go do music program sometimes there. 40:32 So, you know, it's not work its something that you enjoy 40:38 if its something that's naturally part of you 40:40 that can match up really well, with the need that's out there. 40:43 You may think you don't have anything to offer 40:45 but the little that you have, 40:47 if you place it in the Master's hands, 40:52 You can change the world. 40:57 It's hard being a Christian and living, 40:59 you know, in our day and age now 41:01 with what's being portrayed, 41:03 you know, what love is 41:05 or what the world says love is. 41:06 And what media says marriage should be. 41:08 As a single person when at Saturday night 41:10 and you are watching a movie by yourself 41:12 and eating popcorn and you can't help 41:15 but feel after watching a movie like that 41:18 like "Oh, I wish I had that in my life, 41:24 that would be really nice and so romantic. 41:26 He is so cute." 41:28 When was the last time you turned to something off 41:31 or got up and left? 41:33 Because the values were so contrary to kingdom values. 41:39 That you just-- you don't want to fight that battle anymore. 41:42 We watch sex on TV, 41:44 and in movies like nobody's business. 41:49 and okay, well, first of all if you are single 41:51 and you are watching this it, 41:54 you know, feels this desire just a little bit. 41:56 I make this analogy in my book 41:58 but it's a little bit like taking 41:59 somebody through asmorgasbord and filling their plate 42:02 and then getting to the end and taking their plate away. 42:05 because that's not something 42:07 that's in the books for us to have at this point. 42:10 Certainly, I hear of things and see things on Yahoo news 42:14 and, you know, on TVs, when I'm in the gym. 42:17 I'm just saying I don't make a point at that. 42:20 You know, I choose what I look at. 42:22 And my mother always said, "Choose your friends, 42:24 don't let your friends choose you. 42:26 So I don't just let things happen by happenstance. 42:29 I just don't let media 42:31 just happen to filtrate into my brain. 42:33 I choose what I watch. I choose what I eat. 42:35 I'm very intentional and when I coach water polo 42:38 I tell the kids, "Move with intention." 42:40 I'm very intentional about everything I do. 42:46 This Facebook, you know, you don't tell it 42:48 to just report to you, it just boom. 42:51 You - like newsfeed, 42:52 this person is in a relationship, 42:54 this person is, this and this and you see pictures. 42:57 And slowly you start thinking, "Oh, man, 43:01 you have this that I don't or, 43:03 you know, that's something fun I should check that out. 43:05 What is this?" 43:07 And you keep clicking away and you don't know 43:09 but it's actually influencing you. 43:12 You know, you have to go out, you have to dress 43:13 with your dress a little shorter, 43:15 you have to, you know, 43:17 dress a little bit more provocative to attract somebody 43:19 and that isn't necessarily always the case. 43:22 I feel like you still can be modest 43:24 and still can be beautiful, 43:25 you still can meet men at church, 43:27 even though I haven't, 43:28 but you still can meet men in church, 43:29 you still can be in more positive atmosphere 43:32 and still mingle and meet 43:34 the type of people that you want to meet 43:36 and have your life. 43:37 Now knowing that music is my passion 43:39 and that it's something that I listen to a lot, 43:43 you know, I felt led by the Holy Spirit 43:45 to be careful about the songs that I choose to listen to. 43:49 It has you slowly thinking 43:50 that happiness depends on other people. 43:53 Happiness depends on your relationships 43:55 or material things. 43:57 I know for myself that temptation is, 43:59 "Oh, yeah, I'm single I can watch cable news 44:02 without interruption. 44:03 You know, and I can go on vacation." 44:05 That's not what singleness is about. 44:07 Now, if you know that your singleness 44:09 is a lifelong call. 44:11 or you know that this is the season in your life, 44:13 there is a very real purpose. 44:16 I don't believe anyway 44:17 this is the world according to- 44:19 I don't believe you will ever be able to be a useful, 44:21 amazing partner with someone else 44:23 unless you work on who you are inside. 44:25 And until you do that you are not gonna be ready. 44:30 God helped me bake the cake. 44:32 If you want to put icing on it 44:34 that relates to having me find a spouse, great. 44:39 The most important thing in a potential partner 44:42 to me now is, 44:44 are they fulfilled and who they are currently. 44:49 Are they living a 110 percent fulfilled life 44:52 in Christ and who they are? 44:55 When you reach that level 44:56 only then can you be happly married or otherwise. 45:01 You know, I'm slowly learning 45:03 that you can't, you can't be happy 45:08 with the thought of a life. 45:11 I mean, you have to be happy with the life 45:12 you actually are in. 45:14 and this is the life and I'm actually in. 45:17 It mighty not have been the one I planned 45:19 but this is the one I'm in, 45:21 And I have to choose to be happy in it. 45:24 You think sometimes as singles, 45:27 we're so much waiting for life to happen to us, 45:30 we are waiting to get married, 45:32 we are waiting to find that next thing 45:34 that we missed in life. 45:36 And life is what happens 45:37 while you're waiting for it to happen. 45:39 And so singleness might look like the storm, 45:42 this horrible thing that's abusing you 45:44 and mistreating you. 45:46 Well, you know, Peter is the one 45:47 that got out of the boat and he walked on that water 45:50 and what an amazing experience he had. 45:52 Yeah, at this point I'm really content 45:55 with the understanding that I may live the rest of my days 45:59 as a celibate man. 46:00 And I'm good with that. 46:02 Colossians 2:10 says, "You are complete in Him." 46:06 Marriage don't complete me. 46:08 Jesus complete me. 46:09 Marriage does not complete me. 46:11 Marriage is only an amplification 46:14 of who I am. 46:15 and marriage will not solve a single adults' problems, 46:18 it will amplify their problems. 46:21 There's been a push for a lot of people 46:22 who are single to have to find somebody right now 46:26 or have to be in a relationship right now, 46:27 have to date somebody or look somewhere for someone, 46:30 you know, but I'm learning that there is beauty 46:34 and there's joy in being content 46:36 with who you are and the relationship 46:38 that you have with God. 46:40 You know, I was thinking about this 46:42 that the outside is only so much 46:45 but inner beauty is so much more 46:46 and that's what you are gonna take with you as you age. 46:49 And so I really started focusing on that, 46:50 the inner beauty and then I was realizing it the more, 46:53 the more closer you become with Christ, with Jesus, 46:58 the Holy Spirit, you know, continues to fill you 47:01 and you actually become more beautiful. 47:03 It doesn't matter what you look like 47:04 but you are naturally with The Holy Spirit, 47:07 you are gonna be more confident, 47:08 more bold, more secure. 47:10 And that's why I think a lot of people are turned off by 47:13 as the insecurity in other people. 47:15 So when they see somebody that secure and confident 47:18 and, you know, and are secure with Christ 47:21 they are gonna be naturally drawn to you 47:23 if they are healthy, 47:24 if they are in Christ themselves, 47:25 they will be drawn to you as well. 47:27 I don't think that the new age people 47:28 and that the world as it is now with all the self help books, 47:32 they shouldn't have a monopoly on how to figure it out 47:35 and how to figure out life and how to live it right 47:37 and to enjoy yourself. 47:39 I think we've had that information 47:40 for 2,000 years plus. 47:43 And in the Old Testament as well as the New Testament 47:45 as well as just being logical. 47:50 I think that the world thinks that when you are a Christian 47:53 you become very illogical. 47:54 And I don't agree with that at all 47:57 and the only reason they think that is 47:58 because they haven't tasted and seen that the Lord is good. 48:06 I decided one weekend to get away 48:08 and just spend some time with God. 48:10 I stayed in this really neat river cottage 48:13 and there was a guest book in the bedroom 48:15 and couples has had made little notes in there 48:20 about how they stayed there on their honeymoon 48:22 and all these little romantic little notes 48:25 and I remember that I had this thought, 48:28 and I thought, man, that's so romantic. 48:31 I wish I was here with my husband, 48:34 you know, 48:35 and through that weekend, in lots of different ways 48:41 God was speaking to my heart 48:43 and one big moment was I was studying 48:46 and I heard this voice almost audibly, 48:49 it was very clear in my mind and it said simply, 48:52 "I adore you." 48:54 And I pushed it away, I kept studying 48:57 and I heard it again. 48:59 And I even said out loud, 49:01 "Lord, don't bother me. I'm trying to study." 49:05 And again, I heard it 49:08 and then I realized that it was God 49:11 and He was trying to tell me "I adore you" 49:14 and I burst into tears. 49:18 It was such a gigantic moment for me 49:21 and I knew that God was telling me, 49:25 "Look, though you are not married you are here. 49:29 You don't have a husband like the other women 49:32 that were here that stayed here 49:34 but you have Me and am I not enough." 49:37 And it was, it was the cry of a jealous and a loving God 49:45 and it broke me, 49:48 it just broke me. 49:52 And I knew that He wanted to be enough for me. 49:58 I know it was a pivotal moment for me. 50:04 That was huge 50:07 and I just started to see the beauty of Him 50:10 and I started to see that He was enough. 50:14 And that's, that's what He has taught me 50:20 that He is enough. 50:22 He is more than enough. 50:30 In my journey to healing from divorce, 50:33 I have learned that my scars are not ugly. 50:36 In fact, 50:38 those scars became a platform for sharing my faith. 50:42 I sometimes wonder 50:44 if I'll ever get married again 50:47 but at the same time 50:49 I've chose not believe 50:50 that my life must not be defined 50:53 by my marital status. 50:56 Is it easy? 50:58 Not in this life. 51:00 But I find courage 51:01 in knowing that God can give even single adults 51:05 spiritual offspring that live forever. 51:10 Now that's a legacy worth fighting for. 51:14 And God's peace grows inside 51:17 as I run in His will. 51:29 I got it all 51:31 The best in everything 51:36 I'm not alone 51:39 He's more than enough for me 51:45 He calms my pounding heart 51:47 He gives me a brand new start 51:51 God meets all my needs 51:56 He is more than enough 52:00 More than enough for me 52:05 Jesus, You are more than enough 52:11 You are more than enough for me 52:26 Savior, You are more than enough 53:27 I have never seen the dead come back to life 53:40 I was not among the thousands that were fed 53:45 But I wish that I could see 53:47 The two little fish and the loafs of bread 53:53 Let me take the time and tell you what I've seen 53:59 I've seen prayers being answered immediately 54:05 Then there are times when the waiting seems 54:09 Infinitely long 54:12 And weak and fainting hearts receive 54:15 Strength to be strong 54:18 That's a miracle It's a miracle 54:24 The kind that happens everyday In a personal and special way 54:31 It's a miracle I say it's a miracle 54:37 It's the kind that is too obvious for everyone to see 54:43 And the greatest miracle of all 54:48 Is happening to me 55:02 There aren't many things of which we can be sure 55:08 But let me give you evidence you can't ignore 55:16 I was up a prisoner to my former life of sin 55:21 But freedom came my way one day 55:25 And now one more to get 55:27 And that's a miracle It's a miracle 55:34 That kind that happens everyday 55:37 In a personal and special way 55:41 It's a miracle I say it's a miracle 55:46 It's the kind that is too obvious for everyone to see 55:53 And the greatest miracle of all is happening to me 56:01 I can't explain it 56:05 but it's not beyond belief 56:10 No 56:14 The holy God of heaven 56:18 Has placed Himself within our reach 56:24 How can broken hearts learn to trust again? 56:31 How can a God you cannot see be your best friend? 56:38 And when things didn't go the way you thought they should 56:43 God gave you faith to still believe 56:46 When you didn't think you could not 56:49 That's a miracle It's a miracle 56:56 That kind that happens everyday In a personal and special way 57:02 It's a miracle I say it's a miracle 57:09 It's the kind that is too obvious for everyone to see 57:15 And the greatest miracle 57:17 Of all is happening to me 57:32 It's happening to me 57:45 You think I'll get hired on the cooking channel, man? 57:51 I'm pretty sure. 57:53 Pretty sure you got what it takes, bro. |
Revised 2016-01-14