Participants:
Series Code: TDYL
Program Code: TDYL240015A
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00:03 I want to spend my life mending broken people.
00:15 I want to spend my life. 00:36 I want to spend my life. 00:42 Mending broken. 00:47 I want to spend my life. 01:07 Hello, family. 01:08 I'm Jill Morikone, and we just welcome you to another Thursday 01:11 Night Live. 01:12 Now, you might notice we're not sitting around the island, how 01:15 we sit there for our regular Thursday Night Live, and we 01:18 have an amazingly beautiful set, and some of my favorite 01:23 sisters in the world are here tonight to share with you all 01:28 about women's topics, because Mother's Day is getting ready 01:32 to come up this weekend. 01:34 We just wanted to focus on the needs, the issues, the 01:39 responsibility, and the biblical underpinning of women. 01:42 Now, we're not really talking about women from that 01:45 perspective, we're talking about boundaries. 01:49 Now, I just want to say up front, I'm not sure this topic 01:53 is for me, because boundaries are not so easy to do, so I 01:58 think, I was telling Greg about it, I said to him, I think 02:02 instead of perfection, we're going to have authenticity. 02:05 So tonight is going to be authentic, as we just talk 02:08 about harmonizing work and life, what that looks like in 02:12 relationships, in ministry, in family, with our health and in 02:18 so many other aspects of our lives. 02:19 So we have our family here tonight. 02:21 To my left, my sister and mom, and everything together, 02:25 Dr. Yvonne. 02:26 So glad you're here. 02:27 Oh, I'm so happy to be here. 02:28 I'm so looking forward to just talking with my sisters and 02:31 sharing. 02:32 It's really great. 02:33 Amen. 02:34 What's your specific topic you're talking about tonight? 02:36 Interpersonal relationships, conflict resolution, and 02:40 forgiveness. 02:41 Wow. 02:42 Heavy duty. 02:43 Heavy, but it's needed, because no person is an island, so we 02:48 all interrelate with other people, so this is going to be 02:51 powerful. 02:55 So glad you're here. 02:56 It is so good to be here. 02:57 I'm just excited to hear what each person brings to the 03:01 table. 03:06 men are going to find my topic, we'll be talking about avoiding 03:11 the common pitfalls. 03:13 Mine is ministry and personal relationship. 03:16 And so we'll talk about avoiding common pitfalls and 03:22 something else. 03:28 That's perfect. 03:29 You know what I like about that, is we're authentic and 03:31 we're real. 03:34 to go with that? 03:35 So thank you, Shelley. 03:36 I feel much better. 03:38 I'm the first one to throw it out. 03:42 Coming around our circle of women here, we have Angela 03:44 Vandervalk, and we're so delighted to have you here 03:47 tonight too. 03:48 I'm so happy to be here. 03:49 Thank you for having me. 03:50 Tell us what you're talking about. 03:51 I am talking about family, which is such an important 03:55 topic. 03:59 about. 04:01 I'm excited. 04:02 Amen. 04:06 Recy Rafferty, and we're so glad you're here tonight as 04:09 well. 04:09 Thank you. 04:10 Thank you. 04:12 That's what people hand over to me, but we'll probably be, you 04:15 know, addressing it from different perspectives. 04:18 There's so much. 04:21 have a couple, you know, sessions just for that one 04:24 topic, and I feel the same way in this arena, but yeah, I'm 04:28 looking forward to the discussion, too, just like you 04:30 said, Shelley. 04:32 health. 04:33 Would you like that? 04:33 Sure. 04:34 Yay! 04:36 I'm not complaining, though. 04:39 I probably will. 04:40 I mean, you know, with whatever we're discussing, I'm sure, 04:43 yeah. 04:44 Amen. 04:44 That's wonderful. 04:45 My topic tonight is on workplace, and so how to 04:50 integrate faith into the workplace and boundaries 04:54 between your own walk with God and your work life, so this is 04:58 kind of important for me. 04:59 This is a good one for me, so I'm so grateful. 05:02 Before we go any further, we just want to go to the Lord in 05:05 prayer. 05:08 we share here tonight. 05:10 We want what we share to be solidly biblical. 05:13 That's so important. 05:14 But also, that the Holy Spirit's anointing would be 05:17 over it, and whatever you need to hear tonight, you would 05:20 hear. 05:21 Maybe you're dealing with family relationships or health 05:24 challenges or dealing with ministry or struggling to 05:27 forgive someone. 05:30 So whatever situation you find yourself in tonight, this 05:34 program is for you, and we just want to invite God into the 05:38 midst of it, and Reese, would you pray for us here? 05:41 Sure. 05:46 discuss and share what you've put in our hearts or thoughts 05:49 from our perspective, we're just so grateful that you 05:52 designed for us to have boundaries, that you create us 05:56 unique and individual, and we pray that as we contemplate 06:00 this topic, that you would be honored, that your truth and 06:04 reality would be communicated, and that your Spirit, Father, 06:08 would touch each one who's listening tonight. 06:10 Amen. 06:10 We ask in Jesus' name. 06:12 Amen. 06:12 Amen. 06:13 Before we go any further, let's just talk about boundaries. 06:16 So if we're looking at how do we harmonize work and life and 06:19 that whole boundary concept, what is a boundary? 06:23 Basically, it defines a protected place, and when a 06:29 boundary is set, then there is an expectation of behavior. 06:35 So if you see, do not trespass, no trespassing, the expectation 06:40 is that you won't go on. 06:42 If you see no swimming, then the expectation is you're not 06:45 going to swim there. 06:47 Boundaries. 06:47 Okay. 06:48 I like that. 06:51 What do they look like? 06:52 Yeah, I think boundaries have a lot to do with our 06:54 individuality. 06:59 doing, I shouldn't say all he was doing, but one of the key 07:02 things he was doing was establishing boundaries. 07:04 He was dividing one thing from another and saying, your day, 07:07 your night, your land, your sea, your firmament, and there 07:11 is a boundary between you two, right? 07:13 And that is what causes each one of us to be unique. 07:17 I'm just not a bunch of mush on the ground because I have 07:19 boundaries, right? 07:21 And so it's what establishes our uniqueness, our 07:25 individuality. 07:26 What I like about that, I believe with all my heart that 07:29 God is a boundary-setting God. 07:30 And when we look at the Ten Commandments, his law of love, 07:34 this is boundaries around his government. 07:39 It's how he expects us to relate to him as our sovereign 07:44 creator, but it's also his expectations, boundaries, of 07:50 how we relate, respect, and treat other people with the 07:55 love, the actions that love demands. 07:58 I love that, because boundaries are not just, you mentioned, 08:01 like, no trespassing or no swimming. 08:03 Those are physical boundaries, but boundaries are emotional, 08:07 interpersonal as well. 08:08 I love that. 08:09 You were going to say? 08:12 we're talking about this today because it's a subject that I 08:16 think we as women tend to have an issue with. 08:19 I think we often tend to be people pleasers, and we want to 08:24 make others happy, which is great, to make others happy, 08:27 but not at the expense of setting parameters, setting 08:31 certain limits that can keep us emotionally, physically, and 08:36 spiritually healthy. 08:37 I was talking to someone the other day, and she just needed 08:42 to vent. 08:46 with her, and she'd been living by herself, and now this child 08:52 is just like, when she comes home there are dishes in the 08:56 sink, clothes all over the place, everything is a mess. 08:59 And I said to her, have you said something to your child? 09:04 Have you talked to the child about it? 09:07 The child is an adult, but I'm not saying whether it's male or 09:09 female. 09:10 So she said, no, but I know I should. 09:15 And so I went into my boundaries conversation, and I 09:19 was saying, if you don't set that boundary, then she's... 09:25 I just said what it was. 09:28 I just shared the gender. 09:30 Okay, so if you don't tell her what to do, she's going to 09:39 think she has a maid. 09:41 You're her maid, and you're going to be angry, and it's 09:46 just going to build. 09:47 And that's what happens when you don't set boundaries. 09:51 I think I'm going beyond your question, but I just think 09:55 that, yes, you do it because you love them, and also because 09:59 you want to be healthy, because it's very unhealthy. 10:04 The Bible says for us to be angry and sin not. 10:08 So there's a way to express our concern about something that's 10:13 happening without sinning, but it needs to be expressed. 10:17 And I think just from an emotional health place, it's 10:21 really important to express that. 10:24 Absolutely. 10:30 we don't verbalize them, then it's almost childish. 10:34 Let's say you do something that offends me or you cross a 10:36 boundary that I have, but I haven't communicated to you or 10:39 you don't know that you've... 10:40 And I sulk or I pout or I'm upset. 10:44 Like a child would be, you know, and a child can't 10:47 verbalize that you've crossed a boundary or you've hurt me or 10:50 you've taken something from me that I didn't want you to take 10:52 and that kind of thing, and they don't know how to 10:55 communicate, hey, this is how you doing that affects me, and 10:59 therefore, you know, I'm going to communicate that to you. 11:03 And so important. 11:05 I just think it's a sign of a mature relationship. 11:07 It's essential to maintaining healthy emotional relationships 11:11 with someone because it happened to me a couple of 11:14 months ago. 11:15 My husband said something, and I'm sitting there thinking, and 11:21 you know what? 11:27 that to him? 11:29 He's not a mind reader. 11:31 Exactly. 11:36 fault. 11:37 It's our responsibility. 11:38 Yeah, it's our responsibility. 11:40 Boundaries are more for us as well as the other person. 11:47 I think when we think of boundaries, it's always like 11:49 I'm imposing a boundary on you or someone else, but I can't 11:54 control your actions. 11:55 I can't control anyone else's actions. 11:57 So really, the boundary is my own. 12:00 It's self-respect. 12:03 I don't know what other synonyms we could use for self 12:05 -respect, but it's really honoring my own individuality. 12:09 And there's nothing wrong with that. 12:11 In fact, I think it's unhealthy not to do so because again, 12:17 when situations pile up, when things pile up on you and you 12:22 don't communicate that with someone and you don't say, 12:26 well, and we'll get into this when we talk about conflict 12:30 resolution and all that, but if you don't say, you offended me 12:35 or you hurt my feelings, the person doesn't know. 12:39 JD didn't know. 12:40 That's right. 12:41 Right? 12:47 and do it in a way that is ordained by God, but it's okay. 12:52 I think a lot of times we have trouble thinking that it's okay 12:57 to stand up for ourselves. 12:58 I think that's, to me, one of the biggest things because I 13:01 know in my own experience, I always felt like those stronger 13:05 emotions were somehow ungodly for a woman. 13:07 I don't know how to express it except by saying that. 13:10 So to me, women were supposed to always be loving. 13:13 Women were supposed to always be happy. 13:16 Women were never supposed to have their feelings hurt. 13:19 We're supposed to always be the perfect help me. 13:22 I remember Greg and my first year of marriage, something 13:26 would bother me and I would feel like, oh, that's ungodly. 13:30 You know, I shouldn't feel that way. 13:31 I shouldn't be bothered by something Greg said or I'm 13:34 being a bad wife or a bad Christian or a bad woman. 13:38 And so I would stuff like put on the happy face, act like 13:41 everything's fine. 13:43 And then something else would bother me and I would stuff and 13:46 something else would bother me. 13:47 And then a few months down the road, I'd have a little crying 13:50 session and he'd say, what in the world is wrong? 13:52 I had no idea. 13:54 Why don't you tell me? 13:55 And I'd say, oh, but it seemed wrong to say I was bothered, 13:59 but it's not wrong. 14:01 To establish boundaries. 14:03 It's not wrong to express emotion. 14:06 And even some of those stronger emotions are not a bad thing to 14:10 express. 14:14 I came up with four categories of boundaries. 14:17 Y'all add if you can think of this. 14:19 There's material boundaries. 14:21 We lock our doors. 14:22 We've got fences around our property often. 14:26 There are physical boundaries where you are defining your 14:29 personal space and what's appropriate. 14:32 Like there's somebody that used to hug me extremely tight and I 14:37 just had to say, no, you know, you can do a sideways hug, but 14:41 you're not my husband. 14:42 You don't get to hug me like that. 14:45 But, you know, you have to define and you teach your 14:48 children that there are emotional boundaries that we're 14:51 saying that we should communicate. 14:53 And there's financial boundaries. 14:55 I mean, we budget, but I think God would have us be wise in 15:01 all ways. 15:05 My two cents. 15:06 I love that. 15:06 That's great. 15:09 moment, but let's go to a song right now. 15:11 We have tonight is ladies night. 15:13 Of course, ladies on the set. 15:15 We have ladies in the control room running the cameras here 15:18 too. 15:22 be bringing the music. 15:23 This is Lady Love Smith. 15:24 The song she'll be ministering is God gave the song. 15:40 You asked me why my heart keeps singing. 15:50 How can I see when things go wrong for since I found the 16:05 source of music. 16:08 I just can't help it. 16:13 Because God gave the song. 16:19 Come walk with me through fields and forests. 16:27 We'll climb those hills and still hear that song. 16:36 For news resound with music. 16:45 For they just can't help it. 16:50 Because God gave the song. 16:56 And I sing because I'm happy. 17:03 And I sing because I found the source of music. 17:18 And I just can't help it. 17:22 Because God gave the song. 17:26 For since I found the source of music. 17:36 I just can't help it. 17:41 Because God gave the song. 17:48 God gave the song. 18:04 Welcome back. 18:06 We're talking about boundaries, harmonizing work and life. 18:10 Tonight, if you're just joining us, we have the sisters here 18:13 tonight leading up for our special Mother's Day weekend 18:17 here. 18:22 Recy Rafferty. 18:25 time right now as we sit down and just talk about what that 18:28 looks like in life and faith and marriage with children, 18:31 with co-workers and how we're supposed to do that and 18:34 establish that. 18:35 And if you're a woman, this program's for you. 18:37 If you're a man, this program could help you understand 18:40 either the woman in your life or how to establish men need 18:44 boundaries too. 18:48 well. 18:52 So Angela, let's come to you right now and talk to us. 18:54 You're talking about family. 18:56 So talk to us about that. 18:57 Okay, Jill. 18:58 So mine's on family and it's boundaries and unity in the 19:03 home, which I feel is so important. 19:06 So I want to talk about boundaries. 19:08 But first, when I cover boundaries in a home, I want to 19:13 go over different boundaries because there's homes that are 19:19 with unequally yoked spouses. 19:21 They're single mothers. 19:23 So it's like, where do I put these boundaries in place? 19:27 So every home is different. 19:29 And the first thing I suggest and think you should do is pray 19:33 for God to come together and ask God to lead and guide you 19:36 on these proper biblical boundaries that he wants for 19:40 your house and what is going on in your house. 19:44 So I also want to talk about boundaries with being with an 19:51 unequally yoked husband and then being with a godly 19:55 husband. 20:00 Christian. 20:01 And for about 11 of those, I had to go through him being 20:07 unequally yoked. 20:08 And when I first came back to the church, I told him I put a 20:14 boundary down. 20:15 I said, God comes first in my life. 20:16 And I said, for me and my children, we will go to church 20:20 and we're going to serve God. 20:21 Was it hard to set that boundary? 20:24 You know, I was worried about it because I didn't know what 20:28 he would say. 20:29 But God just gave me this piece that I needed to set it. 20:34 And I remember I was sitting outside my aunt's house and we 20:37 were dating. 20:38 And I'm like, I'm coming back to the Lord and God comes first 20:42 in my life. 20:42 And he would always come first. 20:44 And you would always be second. 20:45 So right there, he's just like, you know, he was in shock, but 20:50 he respected me. 20:51 And so I took my kids to church, and I set a boundary on 20:56 Sabbath that I'm not going to come home and watch TV anymore. 21:02 And so when I came home, he would be watching sports and 21:06 stuff. 21:10 I just, you know, continued to just shelter my children. 21:15 So my daughter was in Pathfinders. 21:17 And my son, I would just take him outside or whatever the 21:19 case might be. 21:20 So I set that boundary. 21:21 I set boundaries on what we ate, so food. 21:25 He grew up Catholic, so he ate pork a lot. 21:29 So I set the boundaries of my children or not for I'm going 21:32 to eat pork, which I never did because I was raised in Venice, 21:35 but left of faith. 21:37 So at that time, I want to say I was more of the, I respected 21:44 my husband, but I was the spiritual leader. 21:46 Is that safe to say in my house? 21:48 That makes sense. 21:49 Yeah. 21:51 Where was he? 21:53 I know he was raised Catholic, but was he a believer at all at 21:58 this point? 21:58 Oh, no. 22:00 No, no, not at all. 22:02 He was drinking and smoking, and he wasn't a believer. 22:06 And then every time he would try to come to church with me 22:10 and stuff. 22:11 But every time if I had Pastor Doug Batchelor, he's like, he's 22:16 always talking about Catholics. 22:18 But so he was just, but he criticized everything. 22:22 And now he loves Pastor Doug Batchelor now, but it's just 22:26 amazing how God can change a person. 22:28 Yeah. 22:35 that's unequally yoked, pray for them. 22:38 I prayed for my husband for 11 years. 22:39 So that's my advice to pray for them. 22:42 Set those boundaries. 22:43 Don't ever leave the church. 22:44 My thing is, if I would have went towards, you know, he's 22:49 always like, stay home with me, you know, because he worked so 22:51 much. 22:53 But I always went to church. 22:55 And if I would have stopped going to church or would have 22:58 gave in to him wanting me to spend more time, you know, not 23:03 doing the godly things God wanted me to do, and I would 23:07 have stopped going to church, where would he be now? 23:10 I always think of people that, you know, they're like, I don't 23:14 want to upset my husband or, you know, set those boundaries. 23:19 Let them know that this is what, you know, God comes 23:22 first. 23:27 know, God just works everything out. 23:29 He really does. 23:30 And I know you may go through trials and stuff, but just keep 23:34 praying for your spouse, whoever it is. 23:36 So basically, your boundaries were protecting your time with 23:39 the Lord. 23:40 Yes. 23:40 Children's time. 23:41 Yes. 23:43 Protecting the children's health. 23:45 What boundaries did you find in the family that you had to set 23:49 on yourself? 23:51 On myself. 23:52 Oh, that is a good one. 23:53 Let me see. 23:56 On myself. 23:57 Shopping. 23:58 Oh, shopping. 23:59 Yes. 24:04 Yes. 24:05 So as, you know, I'm going through this marital problem 24:09 and I'm leaving it in God's hands, but what I would do to 24:13 make myself feel better, and this was my down, you know. 24:17 Shopping became my therapy, and I used to take my daughter, 24:22 Pammy, and my son Liam, and we used to go to Target or go to 24:27 the military exchange and just buy clothes and get their 24:31 little treats, whatever they want. 24:33 And every time I went through something, that was my escape, 24:36 which isn't right. 24:39 I know that now, but at the time, that was my therapy. 24:44 And you put a boundary on that. 24:46 I did, for six months. 24:48 I did, because as my husband, you know, I pit a boundary. 24:52 Actually, I pit a boundary. 24:55 It went on for a while, but then I pit a boundary when my 25:00 husband became Christian, and then I didn't need it anymore. 25:04 He was my, like, I felt more, I just didn't need it anymore. 25:09 And then I was like, why am I buying these clothes? 25:11 Like, for what? 25:13 And then I was like, I need to do some. 25:15 So I prayed, and I said, for six months, I'm just, I'm not 25:18 going to do it. 25:18 And it helped so much. 25:20 So now, I just keep whatever I have and just continue to just 25:25 use. 25:28 so I just, I give it to people. 25:29 It's a blessing to others, so it's good. 25:32 Yeah, you know, interesting, when you said that you decided, 25:35 you told your husband that God was going to come first in your 25:38 life. 25:39 And I was thinking, what does that actually mean? 25:41 What are we saying when we say that? 25:44 And I think you were, I mean, I want to hear what you have to 25:46 say, but I was thinking, gosh, you're probably talking about 25:47 time, or who am I going to be obedient to, or yield, you 25:51 know, my first? 25:52 Yeah, obedient, yes. 25:53 To, and then, but I'm even thinking God comes first, and 25:58 eventually you learn that, like, no, that means he is 26:00 going to be the one who provides for all of my needs. 26:03 And I'm going to trust him to do that, even for my emotional 26:06 needs. 26:12 And so, after I prayed for him for 11 years, he became 26:15 Christian, so we started Christian boundaries now. 26:20 And what we do is, now we pray together as a family, and now 26:25 we know, we try to, every day he comes and he hugs me, he 26:30 tells my son, you know I love your mother. 26:32 And then, so we make sure our children, he does, and then 26:36 what I do to show, like I'm serving my husband, and I just 26:42 go, and my son, he's really hungry, and I'm getting the 26:45 food ready, and he's like, is that plate for me? 26:48 And I'm like, no, you know this is for your father. 26:50 He's the head of the household, and he, you know, I'm his wife, 26:54 and I serve him first. 26:55 And I said, one day you're going to grow up, and your 26:57 wife's gonna, you know, you're gonna be able to get your food 27:00 first. 27:01 And so, we just show each other's respect, and now we set 27:06 boundaries as in worship. 27:09 So, we have worship, we have a set time for worship, and a set 27:12 time for worship, and also for just different things, like 27:20 sometimes in the morning, you know you're so busy, and you're 27:23 rushing out the door and stuff. 27:24 So, we just try to pray real quick as a family. 27:27 And then, the way we speak to each other also is a boundary. 27:32 You know, you want your children to grow up and have 27:34 this respect for you, but you have to give it as well. 27:38 And I think that's very important. 27:39 The way you speak to your children is so important, 27:43 because your home is a little piece of heaven on earth. 27:47 And so, I think of that more now than I did before. 27:51 The closer my husband is, and now he's head of the household, 27:56 and you know, it's Christ, my husband, the wife, and then the 28:02 children. 28:06 husband. 28:07 And that's not the order. 28:09 God has an order for everything, and we need to live 28:14 that order. 28:15 So now, you know, before, because of my marriage 28:18 problems, it was always, you know, sometimes I would pit my 28:22 children before my husband. 28:23 So, I'm so happy that we're all unity together. 28:27 And that's why God says, Don't be unequally yoked with 28:29 unbelievers. 28:32 Praise God, my husband is Christian now. 28:36 But you know, I didn't have to go through that hard time. 28:41 You know, but I did, and I prayed. 28:43 You know, but another thing I want to focus on is just set 28:49 in, like when you solve problems, solve them nicely, 28:52 spend time together, grow spiritually together, and get 28:56 help if needed. 28:57 Sometimes, you know, you set boundaries, and your husband 29:00 doesn't want to hear it, or if nothing's being solved, even 29:03 though you do set those boundaries. 29:05 I think if nothing is being solved or nothing, you know, 29:10 the respect for each other isn't there, or whatever the 29:13 case may be, get help, go to your pastor. 29:18 I think it's very important to keep your marriage problems 29:22 between you and your husband, or your pastor if you need to 29:27 get help. 29:28 But I don't think, you know, don't go spread your marriage 29:32 problems with everyone, you know, unless you're trying to 29:36 help someone. 29:37 If you're sitting there and somebody's going through 29:38 something and you can relate, then that's your testimony that 29:42 God gave you, and you can speak to them. 29:44 As long as your spouse doesn't mind. 29:47 Exactly, yes, yes, yes. 29:48 We don't mind. 29:50 We're open about our past because God did bring us here 29:53 to help others, and we have, and we just praise God for God 29:56 using us in spite of us, and we're just very thankful for 30:00 that. 30:02 we're going to set a watch or a guard over our mouth, and that 30:05 applies to what we say. 30:06 But also, I really appreciated how you said, you know, when we 30:09 talk to each other, that we can guard and create a boundary, 30:12 like, you don't have to yell at me to communicate that you feel 30:14 frustrated or angry even. 30:16 And that's a boundary that actually is important for me, 30:19 you know, that I want you to communicate those things to me, 30:22 but when you're calm, and when you can be self-controlled 30:24 because of how it affects me. 30:26 And so I'm not going to, I'm going to create a boundary. 30:29 I can't control, you know, how you speak, but I'm going to 30:31 withdraw. 30:35 thing. 30:39 were going to get an argument, I was the one that had to keep 30:43 my voice quiet. 30:44 And then when you stay with a quiet voice, then their voice 30:48 starts coming down. 30:49 A soft answer turns a weight around. 30:51 Yes. 30:55 not saying it never happened because I'm only human. 30:58 But you know, I always tried to, you know, if I see we're 31:02 going somewhere. 31:03 Yes. 31:05 Yes. 31:06 Yes. 31:06 So. 31:07 How was it? 31:10 spiritual leader in the home during those years when your 31:13 husband was not walking with God. 31:15 How was that transition to now him being the spiritual leader 31:19 of the home? 31:23 A little. 31:27 that right? 31:29 Because when he first came into the church, he's like, I don't 31:32 believe in Ellen White. 31:33 I was like, okay, you'll get there. 31:34 And so I prayed and I just, and God's timing. 31:39 But you know, certain things, you know, I kind of had to 31:43 slowly let go. 31:44 But once you let go and your husband is the leader, it's 31:48 just beautiful. 31:49 And your children just, they just want to have worship more. 31:54 Before it felt like, come on, we need to have worship. 31:56 Come on. 32:00 husband says, we're having worship, the kids know, okay, 32:04 you know, we're coming together. 32:06 So it was, it's a blessing. 32:08 It's such a blessing. 32:10 But I do think you bring up such a good point because I was 32:13 ministering with to a group and, and the people who were 32:17 hosting the husband and wife, she was the spiritual leader in 32:21 the home. 32:22 Well, we got to praying. 32:25 She and I were praying for her husband to become the spiritual 32:28 leader. 32:34 she says, Shelly, I'm not going to use his real name, but she 32:39 said, I have to tell you, God has answered our prayers. 32:43 David is now the spiritual leader of our home. 32:49 And I don't like it. 32:55 So it was, it was a difficult thing for her to relinquish and 33:00 learn to, you know, and it doesn't mean, and I tried to 33:04 explain that doesn't mean he always does everything in the 33:07 home. 33:11 holds him account. 33:12 You need to help me too, because sometimes I'll be like, 33:15 hey, let's have worship. 33:16 He's like, oh, thank you. 33:17 Yes. 33:17 Yes. 33:18 Let's do it. 33:22 up. 33:24 I think one thing that, that you said that I think is 33:27 really, really important and that is the divine order of 33:32 things, because we tend to, especially in this day and age 33:36 where feminism is really kind of at its peak and people are, 33:41 you know, trying to be the heads of their homes when 33:46 actually God created a divine order. 33:50 And being submissive to our husbands does not mean that 33:53 we're doormats. 33:54 It means that we recognize and acknowledge God's divine order. 34:01 And there are roles. 34:03 And I think that when we get the roles confused or we don't 34:08 acknowledge that, there are roles that have to be played 34:12 within the home, that it's, that's why there's so much 34:16 confusion, I think, with kids now, because they don't know 34:20 what's going on in the home, because mom and dad are just 34:26 not doing things the way God ordained for it to be. 34:31 And I think that it's just so important to understand and 34:34 acknowledge roles. 34:36 It doesn't mean, again, being submissive. 34:39 And I kind of battle with that. 34:43 I think I'm submissive, but whenever I say that to Danny, 34:46 he kind of laughs. 34:48 They're like, Why are you laughing? 34:50 I'm not submissive. 34:51 I think I'm submissive. 34:52 I'm more submissive to him than I have been ever before. 34:57 So I feel like I'm submissive, and I have more of a place to 35:02 go, I suppose. 35:07 things, it just flows better. 35:09 It does. 35:13 to submission. 35:14 Yes. 35:15 Right? 35:16 And I think that's healthy. 35:17 And the whole knowing our role is definition of who I am in 35:22 this relationship. 35:24 And that is so important to have. 35:26 And I think marriages flourish best when, kind of you were 35:30 saying, we have our unique roles that we're fulfilling, 35:32 and they're compatible, and they're mutually beneficial, 35:35 you know, and feeding the relationship. 35:38 Yeah, super important. 35:40 It is. 35:43 them. 35:44 Exactly. 35:45 It makes all the difference. 35:46 Yes, yes, yes. 35:47 Because they've got your best interest and heart. 35:50 But you also have a backbone. 35:52 And they know it, right? 35:53 And they respect that. 35:54 That's why they married us. 35:56 That's right. 35:59 to me. 36:01 He'll joke differently. 36:03 But it's because they know that we're going to submit, but 36:06 we're also ourselves. 36:08 And we're not going to lose our individuality in our marriage. 36:10 And that is so important that when we become one, you know, 36:14 there's this beautiful experience. 36:16 But at the same time, we're still, yeah, spending life. 36:19 That's really good. 36:20 I love that. 36:24 women. 36:25 I think I could say that. 36:26 Each one of us here, sitting here, are women. 36:29 God has given you each incredible gifts. 36:31 And it's interesting to me as a strong woman, recognizing that 36:36 role of submission, but there's mutual submission as well. 36:40 And I'm not saying that God places the woman above the man 36:45 in the marriage relationship. 36:46 I don't mean that. 36:47 But 1 Peter talks about that, you know. 36:50 It's just interesting to me. 36:52 Some people will come up and will tell Greg, I respect you 36:55 highly because you will allow, let, give your wife freedom to 37:01 share, to speak, to do different things, where some 37:05 men would be very controlling on that. 37:07 And I consider that such a gift that my husband is encouraging 37:12 me in what God has given to me. 37:15 And that's a beautiful thing. 37:16 And yet with that strength as a woman, recognizing there's I 37:20 need to step back, or I need to shut my mouth down, or I need 37:25 to show that respect, too. 37:27 So it's a balance. 37:28 It's a learning process. 37:30 I think it's about celebrating each other's gifts. 37:37 I've seen Greg with his support of you and also Danny and his 37:41 support of me. 37:44 All of us, all of us have husbands who celebrate our 37:50 gifts, and we celebrate theirs. 37:52 We are there to really be the ra-ra team behind them because 38:00 we acknowledge what God has given them. 38:03 So I think it's beautiful. 38:05 So we're talking family. 38:07 We're talking relationships. 38:17 Let's go So, forgiveness, I don't think I have real 38:26 problems with forgiveness, but this has really made me think 38:29 about certain situations in my life, having this assignment. 38:36 I actually got into a few more conflicts than normal, you 38:40 know, really over the past month or so. 38:42 And I'm kind of looking forward to a few more opportunities to 38:50 kind of work this through. 38:54 So this was a blessing. 38:57 The first thing is that we are really relational beings, that 39:03 we were created to be in relationships. 39:06 In Genesis 2, God says it's not good for man to be alone. 39:10 I will create a helper comparable to him. 39:15 And then Psalm 68, 6 says, God sets the solitary in families. 39:20 So he wants us to be in relationships. 39:23 He wants us to connect with others. 39:26 But in so doing, there are bound to be conflicts because 39:30 we're not monolithic. 39:32 We all don't think the same. 39:34 We all don't act the same way, and we're going to have 39:36 differences of opinions. 39:38 And how do we handle that? 39:41 How does God want us to handle conflict? 39:45 So the first thing, this is really a hard saying. 39:49 This is found in Matthew 5, verses 23 and 24. 39:53 And it says, Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, 39:57 and there remember that your brother or sister has something 40:00 against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go 40:04 your way. 40:09 offer your gift. 40:10 This is a hard saying because it doesn't matter whether I did 40:16 something to them or they did something to me. 40:18 I am to be the one to try to work it out. 40:23 That's a hard one for me, because if someone has done 40:26 something to me, I feel like they should come to me. 40:31 But that's not what Jesus said. 40:33 Where to take that first step in reconciliation? 40:36 The first step. 40:37 We must initiate that reconciliation process. 40:42 And that is a hard saying. 40:43 I remember one time, I won't say whether it's male or 40:47 female, but years ago... 40:48 Yeah, you will. 40:49 I know! 40:52 Try not to, okay? 40:54 So years ago, there was a situation where someone had 40:59 been unkind to me. 41:02 And I'm not fake, and I'm not phony, so I just didn't want to 41:08 speak to them. 41:10 Rather than say, Hi, how are you? 41:11 No, I couldn't do that. 41:13 So I'd see them at church, and they would be coming toward me. 41:18 I'd go in another direction, so I wouldn't have to confront 41:22 them or talk or anything. 41:24 I just did not want to. 41:26 And one day, they came to visit the church, and the Lord spoke 41:31 to my heart and said, You need to apologize for not speaking. 41:37 And I knew it was the Lord telling me that, because I know 41:41 I wasn't trying to think I need to apologize because I really 41:44 didn't want to. 41:45 And I had been having flashbacks about how I'd 41:50 treated and all that. 41:52 And so, the person was coming in my direction, and I said, 42:00 May I speak to you for a few minutes? 42:01 And so, we went into a room at the church, and I said, I need 42:05 to apologize to you for not speaking to you. 42:10 And the person said, You know, I was wondering why you weren't 42:14 speaking to me. 42:18 you because of the way you acted. 42:20 But I didn't say that because I wasn't trying to go there. 42:24 And so, after that, I never had flashbacks again, because that 42:33 really started the reconciliation process. 42:37 And praise the Lord, the Lord gave me peace about that. 42:40 And so, I didn't have those flashbacks. 42:44 So, initiating, even though I wasn't the, quote, guilty 42:48 party, I still am thankful that God has given us these 42:53 different steps that help us, because forgiveness helps us. 42:59 And that's what I really want to get to. 43:02 So, after we initiate, the first thing we really need to 43:06 do is pray for guidance. 43:07 Psalm 1914, Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my 43:12 heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength and 43:15 my Redeemer. 43:26 express His forgiveness. 43:28 His forgiveness can flow through us to someone else. 43:32 So, we need to pray for guidance. 43:33 And then think about what we want to say. 43:35 Proverbs 15, 28 says, The heart of the righteous studies how to 43:40 answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil. 43:45 Isn't that a good scripture? 43:47 Proverbs 15, 28. 43:49 I like that. 43:49 I do too. 43:50 The heart of the righteous studies how to answer. 43:54 Don't be flippant. 43:55 Don't, you know, think it through. 43:58 Try to think it through. 43:59 And then we should go to the source. 44:03 And you brought that up, Angela, like don't go around to 44:06 everybody and tell everything. 44:08 Go to the person directly with whom you have the conflict, 44:13 whether they did something to you or you did something to 44:16 them. 44:17 Matthew 18, 15 says, Moreover, if your brother or sister sins 44:21 against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him 44:25 alone. 44:26 If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 44:29 The Bible is so relevant. 44:31 You know, as I was reading these different points, it's 44:34 like this is for us now. 44:37 This is not just some irrelevant information. 44:42 The fifth point is don't be argumentative. 44:46 Try to see the other person's point of view. 44:48 And I love this. 44:49 Proverbs 18, 6 through 8 says, A fool's lips enter into 44:54 contention and his mouth calls for blows. 44:57 A fool's mouth is his destruction, and his lips are 45:01 the snare of his soul. 45:04 So our mouths can get us hurt. 45:08 People can want to hit you if you say, you know what I mean? 45:10 So don't be a fool. 45:12 Be wise. 45:13 Be wise as serpents. 45:15 I mean, be wise as serpents, harmless as a dove. 45:18 Yeah. 45:19 Think about it. 45:20 Thank you. 45:22 And then the next point is 45:27 avoid discussing it with others. 45:30 It maintains confusion. 45:32 Proverbs 26, 20, and I love this verse. 45:35 Without wood, a fire goes out. 45:38 Yes. 45:42 So conflict leads to the need of forgiveness. 45:46 And then forgiveness is another whole thing. 45:50 So about 50 years ago, it was 1950. 45:54 50. 45:55 50 years ago, in October of 1973. 46:00 Actually, that's 51, right? 46:02 Yeah. 46:03 Years ago. 46:04 I got this call from my dad, and my Uncle Howard was an 46:10 amazing musician. 46:12 And he worked with a lot of some of the top names. 46:15 And he and his wife had gone out to some event, and they 46:21 came home. 46:23 And there were two men in their apartment waiting for my Uncle. 46:29 And they killed him. 46:30 And the way they killed him was, yeah, this fifty-one years 46:35 ago. 46:39 They tied him up, and they gagged him. 46:42 And then as he would swallow, the gag would choke him. 46:45 So he had a brutal, brutal death. 46:48 Oh, I'm so sorry. 46:49 And he was like a father to me. 46:53 And so when my dad told me this, I was just so hurt. 46:58 And it turns out that the woman he was married to had hired the 47:02 men who killed him. 47:04 Oh. 47:06 And so, 47:12 I can't say that I have this overwhelming feeling of love 47:18 toward her, but I also can say that I don't feel hatred toward 47:26 her. 47:28 I feel like God has given me forgiveness toward her. 47:33 Forgiveness, and I was reading this book about forgiveness for 47:40 in preparation for this. 47:43 And forgiveness is a decision. 47:45 It's not a feeling. 47:48 And Lisa Turkhurst in this book says, Your feelings should be 47:52 indicators, but not dictators. 47:54 So they shouldn't dictate how we react, but they let us know 48:01 where we are. 48:02 And so I'm very thankful that the Lord has given me peace 48:10 about it. 48:11 It still hurts me. 48:12 I had no idea that I was going to respond emotionally today 48:16 because it's been over fifty years. 48:18 And I haven't cried about my uncle in many years, but just 48:22 talking about it brings it back. 48:24 But yet, I'm really grateful that God has given me a peace 48:30 about it so that I don't sit around thinking, like, I hope 48:34 one day she's burning up in hell. 48:37 No, I don't think that, and I'm thankful that I don't. 48:39 But could I say something? 48:41 Please. 48:42 This, I think, is so important. 48:44 What you're saying is that forgiveness doesn't always lead 48:49 to reconciliation. 48:50 Some people don't want to forgive because they think they 48:54 have to reconcile with an abuser. 48:57 But forgiveness is for your sake more than anything. 49:02 It doesn't always lead to reconciliation, you would hope. 49:07 But in this case, it doesn't sound like it led to 49:10 reconciliation. 49:11 But you were freed because you didn't become bitter and angry 49:16 and block off the Lord's work in you. 49:20 Well, I praise the Lord. 49:22 And to God be the glory, because it's certainly not me 49:26 because I loved him. 49:28 And I was angry and hurt about what had happened. 49:33 But yet, the Lord will give us a sense of peace about the 49:41 past. 49:42 And there's another story I'll tell you real quick that I saw 49:48 on YouTube. 49:49 A guy named Ike Brown, he was a patrolman in Florida. 49:54 His son, Ike Jr., was 21. 49:57 He and his best friend went over to a friend's house to 50:02 play video games. 50:03 While they were there, someone broke in the house, robbed the 50:07 house, and killed Ike Jr. and his best friend. 50:12 And so, Ike Sr., the policeman, had always said, if anybody 50:18 messes with my kids, I'm gonna kill them. 50:20 But when he found out about the death of his son, he was 50:26 devastated. 50:27 Like he had no, he just was devastated. 50:30 And he went to court. 50:31 And when he went to court, three years later, after the 50:35 death of his son, he saw the murderer. 50:38 He saw him face to face. 50:40 It was a young man, close to his son's age. 50:44 And he said the strangest thing happened. 50:46 Now, this guy, Ike Sr., was not really a Christian, but he had 50:51 grown up in a Christian home. 50:52 And he said when he saw him, he felt nothing but love for him. 50:58 And he said, That's right. 51:00 He said, This is God. 51:03 He said, I can't believe that God would do this, but I know 51:08 that it's just God. 51:10 And so, the guy's name was Takoya. 51:15 And Takoya resembled his son somewhat. 51:18 And so, Takoya was found guilty. 51:21 He went to prison. 51:22 And after he was there for a bit, Ike Sr. wrote him. 51:28 And he wrote him a letter. 51:30 And he said, 51:33 I hope that, he said, I miss my son so much. 51:40 He said, I want to ask you if you would fill in for him. 51:49 That's so deep. 51:52 He waited for three weeks for an answer from Takoya. 51:57 I want to read you real quick. 51:59 I can just read it real quickly. 52:01 What Takoya said. 52:03 He said, Dear Mr. Brown, I now know that God is real. 52:10 I told God that if you meant what you said, if you really 52:13 love and forgive me, I told God that I wanted to hear from you. 52:17 And if I heard from you, I told God that I would give my life 52:22 to him. 52:23 Mr. Brown cried like a baby. 52:25 Takoya said, You asked me if I would fill in for your son. 52:29 No way am I qualified to do that. 52:31 But if you'll have me from this moment forward, you're my dad 52:36 and I'm your son. 52:39 Is that powerful? 52:42 And in 2009, now the death occurred in 2002. 52:49 In 2009, Ike Brown Sr. officially adopted Takoya as 52:57 his son. 52:58 That, my dear sisters, that's forgiveness. 53:02 We just think that's what the Lord has done for us. 53:05 Yes! 53:06 Yes! 53:08 Yes! 53:08 Come on! 53:08 Come on! 53:10 Come on! 53:11 He's adopted us! 53:13 Come on! 53:14 That's exactly right! 53:15 That is God all the way. 53:16 That's God all the way. 53:17 That's amazing. 53:18 That salvation viewed through the eyes of a person. 53:23 Yes, that's right. 53:24 It's beautiful. 53:25 We're coming down to the end of this first hour. 53:27 We have a full second hour coming up. 53:29 What I want to do right now is let's just have a moment of 53:31 prayer. 53:35 Maybe there's been a murder in their family or extended family 53:40 or maybe someone told lies about you. 53:43 That takes forgiveness too. 53:46 Whatever you're struggling with right now or maybe you're 53:49 dealing with issues in your home being unequally yoked and 53:52 you're struggling right now, we want to pray for you. 53:55 You are part of the 3ABN family and we love you and we want to 53:59 lift your needs and the burdens on your heart before the Lord 54:03 right now. 54:06 hour? 54:12 our hearts to you in praise and thanksgiving for all of your 54:15 blessings, particularly for your salvation. 54:19 But we lift the burdens of the hearts those Lord who are 54:24 watching tonight. 54:25 I just thank you that your Word says that you are righteous and 54:31 cut us free from the court of the wicked that is binding us. 54:35 And Lord, Satan wouldn't have us forgive. 54:38 Satan wouldn't have us to have a peaceful home. 54:42 But I pray in the name of Jesus that your Holy Spirit will 54:46 minister to every person who's watching. 54:49 Help them Lord to see people as you see them and to forgive and 54:54 go forward. 54:56 And Lord, we love you. 54:57 We thank you. 54:58 We know more is coming. 55:00 We praise you, Father, in Jesus' name. 55:04 Amen. 55:04 Amen. 55:05 That's powerful. 55:06 I just want to ask you, sis, we just have a moment left here. 55:09 How long did it take until you felt like you could forgive 55:13 her, your uncle's wife? 55:15 You know, I mean, was it years? 55:18 Were we talking 10, 15, 20 or was it? 55:20 Wow, that's a good question, Jill. 55:22 I don't know because when it happened, I was not walking 55:27 with the Lord. 55:28 That's true. 55:29 So after I came back, it was many years, I came back to the 55:36 Lord in '85 and my uncle had been dead since 1973. 55:43 So I really don't know. 55:45 But again, it's a process. 55:48 It's not instantaneous. 55:51 For Mr. Brown, it was instantaneous. 55:53 For me, it's a process. 55:56 Yeah. 56:00 done something or if I have to go to someone, then, you know, 56:04 it's quick. 56:05 But this was, this took years, I think. 56:07 I think it's so important to recognize that and to realize 56:10 that, that this is a process. 56:12 Our sanctification is a process. 56:15 Our journey with Jesus is a process. 56:19 Learning how to, for me, surrender more fully to him, 56:23 give him more of my heart. 56:25 I can think I want you in God. 56:28 I want to surrender everything. 56:29 And he says, oops, there's a little piece here you haven't 56:32 given yet. 56:33 And so letting him in, letting him heal, letting him cleanse, 56:37 letting him restore, letting him bring that reconciliation. 56:43 Don't go anywhere. 56:44 We have a full second hour coming up talking about 56:48 boundaries in our lives. |
Revised 2024-05-08