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Series Code: TDYL
Program Code: TDYL250015A
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00:02 I want to spend my life mending broken people. 00:13 I want to spend my life. 00:35 I want to spend my life. 00:40 Mending broken. 00:46 I want to spend my life. 01:06 Hello, family. 01:07 I'm Jill Morikone. 01:08 We welcome you to our Thursday Night Live program. 01:11 Now, you might have seen on the jib shot coming in here, we're 01:15 not around the island, as we call it, in Studio A. 01:19 We're in Studio B tonight because I'm here with my 01:21 sisters, and tonight is our Women's Live program. 01:25 We're coming up this weekend as Mother's Day, and we always 01:28 like to do something extra special for all of our sisters 01:32 at home. 01:34 And if you're a man, this program might apply to you 01:37 because, Lord willing, you would be interacting with 01:40 women. 01:45 it's always better for that understanding as well. 01:48 But this program tonight is especially for the ladies, for 01:53 our sisters. 01:54 And if you're a man, you're welcome to listen in, but 01:57 especially it's for the woman. 01:59 Our title is Helper, Not Lesser, God's Purpose for 02:06 Woman. 02:07 So we're going to be talking tonight about biblical 02:10 definition of a helpmate. 02:13 What does that look like in the life of marriage or family, or 02:17 what if you're single? 02:19 What does that look like in the job, in the church, when you're 02:23 mentoring others? 02:24 And do we lose our identity when we become a helpmate? 02:28 Can we still have spiritual gifts that God has given to us 02:32 to utilize? 02:33 And how do we balance family and work and all of that? 02:37 So we're going to pack all of that. 02:39 I want to introduce you to my family, my sisters on the set 02:43 here this evening. 02:44 To my left, sis Angela Vander Valk. 02:47 And you work in our production department. 02:49 So glad to have you here. 02:50 I'm so happy to be here with my sisters in Christ. 02:53 Thank you for having me. 02:54 Amen. 02:55 Now, you and you've been here over four years. 03:00 Yeah, by fast. 03:02 God called you guys here. 03:03 Not a doubt in our mind. 03:05 And it's kind of the whole tribe moved up. 03:07 Yes, that was a blessing. 03:08 And my mom, my sister, my family, everyone. 03:11 It's a blessing. 03:11 Amen. 03:12 And then God made us family. 03:14 Yes, which is a beautiful thing. 03:16 You know, we can be sisters in Jesus. 03:18 Now we're jumping over here to Sister Fotini Martinez. 03:22 And we're so glad to have you here. 03:24 Sister Fotini works in our accounting department. 03:27 You might not always see her, but she's accounts receivable 03:30 and accounting analyst. 03:32 Is that right? 03:33 Yes. 03:33 Yes, that is. 03:34 Thank you very much, Jill. 03:35 I'm really excited to be here. 03:36 This is my first program. 03:38 And I hope it doesn't show that I'm too nervous. 03:41 But I'm very excited to see what God will do through this 03:45 program today. 03:47 Amen. 03:48 Each one of the women here on the set tonight, they're women 03:51 of God, women of faith, women of prayer, and women of the 03:54 word. 03:58 And Fotini, when did you come? 03:59 How long have you been here? 04:01 In September, it'll be about two years for my daughter and 04:05 myself. 04:06 Okay. 04:07 Wonderful. 04:08 And we should have said this before. 04:09 Angela, what's your topic tonight? 04:10 What are you talking about specifically? 04:12 It's about marriage. 04:15 It's about your husband and supporting your husband, being 04:18 that helpmate for your husband. 04:19 Okay, so if you're a wife, you've got to especially listen 04:23 to Angela's portion. 04:24 Yes. 04:27 I am speaking of biblical womanhood as a single woman, as 04:31 a single parent, and blending in some aspects of being the 04:38 spiritual household of not only your child, but also 04:42 specifically to a special needs child, because my daughter has 04:44 autism. 04:45 Okay, that'll be so insightful. 04:47 Thank you for being willing to share. 04:50 And I know we have many single moms out there, many single 04:54 parents who can really resonate and identify with what Fotini 04:57 is going to be sharing tonight. 05:00 This is Sasha Thomas, you and your husband Darrell. 05:05 Now, you work for us sometimes at 3ABN, but you're the 05:08 administrative assistant for the Thompsonville Christian 05:10 Junior Academy. 05:12 I hope I got that right. 05:13 Yeah. 05:16 That's It'll be four years in November. 05:20 Yeah, it's really been a pleasure. 05:22 Never imagined that we would be here. 05:24 Never imagined I would be sitting next to Joe Morricone 05:27 and these lovely ladies, but it's really been a pleasure. 05:30 Amen. 05:31 Amen. 05:32 So glad to have you. 05:33 And what are you talking about? 05:34 What's you're talking about? 05:38 how that can relate to the husband and, you know, without 05:41 overstepping bounds. 05:43 So looking forward to that. 05:45 Amen. 05:48 Yes, two children, one ten and one going seven next week. 05:52 Yay. 05:53 That's wonderful. 05:54 Last but not least in the middle, we have sister Terri 05:58 Stanley and Terri is a woman of God. 06:02 You have a lot of titles here. 06:04 I'm trying to think of everything she does because she 06:06 works in several different departments, but you work as a 06:09 3ABN call center representative. 06:11 She also answers calls and pastoral. 06:13 You help in production and she's radio host for a brand 06:18 new program on prayer that will be coming out for 3ABN radio. 06:22 So Terri, we're so glad you're here. 06:24 Jill, thank you for inviting me. 06:25 I'm so happy to be here and be a part of this discussion 06:27 tonight. 06:32 we become a widow and specifically how we can become 06:36 mentors to the younger women. 06:38 Yeah, that's powerful. 06:39 We need mentors. 06:41 Yeah, absolutely. 06:42 And what I'm talking about, I've got to look and see what 06:45 am I talking about? 06:47 Ah, the role of a helpmate in ministry. 06:50 What about if your spouse is involved in ministry and what 06:54 does that look like? 06:55 And we're going to have three keys. 06:57 You know, I like lists. 06:58 Three keys for the helpmate in ministry. 07:01 So before we jump in and kind of unpack this and talk more, 07:04 we want to go to the Lord in prayer. 07:06 We want any time when we open up the word of God, it's 07:09 important to pray. 07:10 And Foltini, would you pray for us? 07:14 Dear Heavenly Father, Lord, we thank you for all the ways that 07:18 you care for us, all the ways that you provide for us, that 07:22 being both in physical nourishment or clothing or 07:26 homes. 07:29 and give us courage to fill the roles that you have for us. 07:34 And we pray that blessing over today's Lord, we pray that you 07:39 calm our nerves. 07:41 We pray that you help us to fall into the background, Lord, 07:44 and stay focused on you and your word. 07:48 And we pray, Lord, that this is a blessing to those watching, 07:52 but also for us as well, Lord, help us grow. 07:55 And we pray this in the name of Jesus. 07:57 Amen. 07:58 Amen. 07:59 I love something you said in the prayer, help us grow. 08:02 You know, that's beautiful, you know, and I think as we are 08:05 here tonight, we want to be open and transparent about our 08:09 own journeys. 08:10 And we want to grow in the word and knowledge and as Christian 08:15 women. 08:15 So let's just start. 08:19 What is a biblical definition of a help me? 08:21 What does a help me mean? 08:23 And where do we get that in Scripture? 08:25 Well, we can start with Genesis 2 18, which says, And the Lord 08:29 God said, it is not good that man should be alone. 08:32 I will make him a helper comparable to him. 08:36 So you're a helper to your husband, not as a lesser, like 08:40 you said, but someone who helps him to fulfill his role and he 08:43 should help you to fulfill your role too. 08:46 I love that. 08:47 I love that someone to stand by their side. 08:53 And I'm no longer married. 08:55 I was married for 33 years, but my husband and I had a 08:58 beautiful relationship and we had our responsibilities in the 09:01 home. 09:04 together to make things smooth. 09:07 So yeah, a help mate to me is when times are hard, your 09:12 husband's there to help you and just lift each other up to 09:15 bring, you know, encourage each other, help each other and 09:19 whatever life throws at you, you have someone next to you by 09:22 your side, which I'm missing my help mate right now. 09:25 If I'm on, I'm with Ian. 09:27 So I usually miss him because he always, he helped me when 09:31 I'm on programs. 09:32 So I miss him. 09:37 Biblically, how I would understand that is also 09:40 providing help and support in a way that the other person can't 09:43 do for themselves. 09:45 Otherwise you're not helping really if it's something that 09:48 they can do on their own. 09:51 So comparable to Adam, yes, because they were both created 09:56 in God's image, right? 09:58 So you can definitely see equality running throughout 10:01 that as a golden thread, but also providing support and help 10:07 something that's missing, that's lacking in the man where 10:12 the woman needs to fill in that role as a helper. 10:15 That's beautiful. 10:17 You know, in Genesis, God says, let us make man in our image, 10:21 right? 10:25 How do you think marriage gives us that showcases or analogy of 10:31 the Godhead? 10:32 Do you see that or not? 10:36 Definitely yes. 10:39 I'd have to, I'm giving it some thought as I speak. 10:42 Good. 10:46 Well, as I was stating about my husband and I, each member of 10:50 the Godhead has its specific role, has his specific role. 10:55 The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. 10:59 But their goal and their purpose in life is the same. 11:05 It's like when you're married, you have the same goal. 11:08 You can go up with Christ as he's the head. 11:14 We serve a God of order, right? 11:16 So naturally there should be, or it could be expected that 11:20 also the family unit has a particular order that helps it 11:24 function its best. 11:26 And that would be the wife being a help mate. 11:30 And the other thing that comes to my mind about the Godhead is 11:32 they're not focused on themselves. 11:35 Christ points to the Father, the Father points to the Son, 11:38 the Holy Spirit points to the Son and the Father. 11:42 So it's lifting each other up rather than having that self 11:46 -focus. 11:47 That's beautiful. 11:48 It reminds me of Ephesians 5. 11:49 You know Ephesians 5 says the husband should love the wife as 11:53 Christ loves the church. 11:54 And then it says the wife needs to submit to the husband. 11:59 But if you go back a couple of verses, Ephesians 5.21 says 12:02 submitting to one another in the fear of the Lord. 12:05 So what does that look like? 12:07 Because some people say the husband is always the top and 12:11 the wife can never even express a viewpoint. 12:14 Is that what we're saying here tonight? 12:16 Or what does that look like? 12:19 My testimony as far as marriage goes is that the best ideal 12:24 marriage is when Christ is at the center of the marriage. 12:27 Because when my husband and I got married, I was very young. 12:29 I was only 18 years old and neither one of us were walking 12:33 with the Lord. 12:34 We were doing the party thing. 12:35 We had a great relationship but I realized something was 12:39 missing and then I decided, you know, I need to have God in my 12:43 life. 12:46 through a time period where I was walking with the Lord but 12:49 he was still in the world. 12:50 That was a very strange relationship. 12:53 Prayed for him for about three and a half years and then he 12:56 gave his heart to Christ and became grounded in the gospel 12:59 of Jesus. 13:01 And that was the best part of our marriage ever because we 13:03 spent time in prayer. 13:05 When we had questions about anything we were going through, 13:07 we would go to the Lord in prayer and that was the 13:10 sweetest relationship that we experienced in our marriage. 13:16 I like that you brought up Ephesians 525. 13:19 That was something that came to my mind as well because it 13:23 explains the role of the husband as well. 13:25 When we think of submission and I speak Greek and I don't know 13:30 if I'm pronouncing this the same way that university Greek 13:33 would sound but submission is actually a military term in 13:38 Greek. 13:41 And it's a voluntary act of putting yourself under 13:46 leadership. 13:48 Right? 13:49 So it's not becoming a doormat because the leader obviously 13:52 has a role or a goal that he's trying to fulfill. 13:56 And we need to think of well what is the mission that I'm 14:00 supposed to be submitting to and that's what God tells us in 14:03 Ephesians 525. 14:05 The man's mission is or the husband's mission is to love 14:08 his wife the way love the way Jesus loved the church. 14:12 And so we see this kind of wonderful go around right where 14:17 the wife is submitted and she's submitted to the husband's 14:21 mission which is to love her and then it kind of goes around 14:24 like that and that's just a beautiful way that the Lord 14:28 illustrates that for us in his word. 14:31 Yeah, it's beautiful. 14:35 is under him have to say. 14:38 So a good husband will listen to and care about the viewpoint 14:40 of his wife and not try to force his viewpoint into the 14:44 relationship. 14:46 I love that. 14:49 wife's aspect does this mean since the husband is the head 14:53 we're talking in marriage here does that mean that if you 14:57 disagree on something the husband is the tiebreaker? 15:01 In my house, yes. 15:04 Okay, see this is where... 15:06 Yes, because there was a time in my life where I was a 15:10 spiritual leader and so it depends on what it was. 15:14 So if it wasn't going against God my husband had to last but 15:18 if it was going against God then I had to step in and I 15:23 guess put my foot down but since my husband's now the 15:26 leader of our home yes he's... 15:28 Daddy said it that's what it is. 15:31 And there are some things that they just have more knowledge 15:34 about. 15:38 after he died I called his best friend and I'm like I'm looking 15:40 at this vehicle can you please come check it out? 15:43 So you have to realize that we don't know everything and we 15:46 have to be able to surrender to their knowledge that they know 15:51 what's best and so I think it just depends again like you 15:54 said on the situation and what it is. 15:57 Is that always easy for you guys? 15:59 Okay. 16:03 I remember this is going back several years but I remember 16:06 Greg and I having a discussion on two different issues and we 16:10 disagreed on both of them and I held one opinion on issue one 16:15 just say and he held an opinion on issue two and we just 16:20 couldn't come to an agreement and I remember he said we need 16:25 to pray about it. 16:26 That's beautiful and so when I come to God in prayer the Holy 16:32 Spirit works to soften Jill's pride and Jill's stubbornness 16:35 and my all of that that's not godly and so we prayed said we 16:41 need to pray individually first and we took 24 hours that we 16:44 would just really pray over this and then we would come 16:47 together and I'll never forget so we had these two issues God 16:52 changed my mind on issue one to Greg's viewpoint but issue two 16:57 in my mind still needed to be the way I thought okay? 17:01 When we came back together and I understand that the husband 17:04 is a tiebreaker as far as that goes but in my heart I just 17:08 felt like it was wrong we should do this other thing so 17:11 when we came back together God changed Greg's mind on the 17:15 other issue where I was inflexible if you call it that 17:18 and then he anyway so our two I'm not explaining it well if I 17:24 told you the whole situation then it would make sense in 17:26 fact we're not going into that so but in issue one my mind 17:30 changed to Greg's viewpoint and in issue two his mind changed 17:33 to my viewpoint that's what I'm trying to say and so both of us 17:37 changed and adjusted But I do think, as long as it's not a 17:41 matter of principle, that the husband would be the 17:44 tiebreaker. 17:44 So, yeah, it was hard though. 17:45 I remember those 24 hours like, Oh, please God, can you 17:49 convince my husband? 17:50 Just convince him, you know, because we struggle with that. 17:54 And God said, Jill, I want to work in your heart. 17:57 And over the years, you know, I've encountered married 18:04 couples where the man tends to be more mild-mannered. 18:07 And you see the woman just takes advantage and walks all 18:11 over him. 18:14 know, just because your husband is soft-spoken or something 18:17 like that doesn't give you the permission and authority to 18:21 belittle him in public or overstep your boundaries as a 18:25 wife as well. 18:25 You have to respect him. 18:26 And I think that's what men want more than anything, is 18:29 just to know that they're respected by their wife. 18:33 Absolutely. 18:33 That's good. 18:38 who are strong women of faith and independent, that that's 18:42 important not to overstep, you know, that's beautiful. 18:45 And it's a struggle to, even with everyday interactions, to 18:50 give, and I understand that women are not called to submit 18:54 to men in general, it's wives to husbands. 18:56 But you still, as a single person, want to practice that 19:01 in your life, kind of adapting to a submissive role, because 19:07 we're called to do that over a general ledger to begin with. 19:12 And it's hard sometimes, especially when you're used to 19:15 making all of the decisions, when all of the responsibility 19:18 lies on you. 19:20 So it's a good thing to keep in the back of your mind to just 19:24 try and find that middle ground with other individuals or other 19:29 men at church or elders, for example, just to kind of have 19:35 the Lord work on you in that way. 19:38 That's very respectful. 19:39 Oh, that's good. 19:40 Absolutely. 19:41 Yeah. 19:45 never seen before. 19:46 So I just wanted to share briefly on the verse you read, 19:50 Sasha, where it says, So the Hebrew word there for helper or 19:58 helpmate or whatever is azer. 20:03 I don't pronounce Hebrew, but that's just my phonetic 20:06 definition. 20:08 It occurs 21 times in the Old Testament, 15 of the 21 times 20:13 it's God being a helper. 20:15 Now that is super fascinating to me. 20:20 It refers to, you know, in Psalm 121, I will lift up my 20:24 eyes to the hills from whence comes my help. 20:26 It's the same word. 20:27 Comes from Lord. 20:27 My help. 20:28 My help comes from the word. 20:30 Lord is the same word. 20:32 Psalm 70, it says, Lord, you are my help and my deliver. 20:36 It's the same word. 20:38 So what was interesting to me, the only two times it's applied 20:41 to women is right here in Genesis. 20:43 The other times it was applied to men or even in battle. 20:46 And then the rest is referring to God and the help God brings. 20:51 So to me, and it's derived from another Hebrew word, azer, 20:56 which is pronounced very similarly. 20:58 And that one, the root of it means to surround, to protect 21:04 or aid. 21:05 And so I was telling Greg about it last night as we were 21:08 talking about it. 21:09 And I just said, I wonder if that means God calls woman to 21:14 surround their husband with prayer. 21:17 To surround them with compassion and love, to 21:22 surround them with respect, to surround them with, I don't 21:28 know, lifting them up instead of tearing them down. 21:31 Like all those godly things we talk about. 21:33 To me, it was a brand new way of looking at it because we 21:37 often think, help me. 21:38 Okay, I'm just here and I'm helping you here. 21:42 But God actually helps as well. 21:46 And I think of when you said praying, I think of my husband, 21:50 like his family isn't Christian or Adventist. 21:53 So I'm like, I have to pray for my husband. 21:55 Who else is going to pray for my husband? 21:58 So it's so important with prayer, you know, how powerful 22:01 it is. 22:01 Prayer is so powerful. 22:04 I love that. 22:07 Any thoughts on that before we move on? 22:08 Well, what came to my mind is that God gave us the Holy 22:11 Spirit to be the helper and how he guides us through our life 22:15 and corrects us and that kind of thing. 22:17 And so as a helper to our husband, you know, he can take 22:21 what we have to say into consideration. 22:23 It can help guide him, too. 22:25 Amen. 22:27 And I think it speaks to the strength of the helper as well, 22:31 because the same word, as you brought out, is mentioned or is 22:35 used to describe our ultimate helper, our ultimate guide, 22:39 both God and the Holy Spirit. 22:42 And you need to have a strong biblical foundation in order to 22:47 do that. 22:52 to provide that support, both for your family in general, if 22:56 you're, you know, a single mom like I am, or for your husband. 23:00 Absolutely. 23:04 In relation to submitting, that also requires strength because 23:07 it's so much easier to not submit and just assert your 23:11 opinion. 23:15 submissive wife that He calls you to be. 23:18 Yes. 23:18 No, that's a good point. 23:20 It takes a lot of strength. 23:21 Yeah, absolutely. 23:23 I love that. 23:24 Great insight, ladies. 23:25 So let's move in. 23:26 Angela, let's start with you. 23:28 Can you talk to us about the role of a helpmate as a wife 23:31 and what God calls you? 23:33 Okay. 23:36 you want me to say? 23:37 I never know what to say. 23:39 So I was like, God. 23:40 So I was looking through my Bible. 23:43 I was looking through Ellen White and God put in my heart 23:45 to say this. 23:46 It's with a Venice Homes, page 107. 23:49 It says, neither husband nor wife is to make a plea for 23:52 rulership. 23:57 this matter. 24:03 church. 24:05 And the wife is to respect and love her husband. 24:08 Both are to cultivate the spirit of kindness, being 24:12 determined never to grieve or injure the other. 24:15 Kind of like what we were talking about. 24:17 It's beautiful. 24:18 Do not try to compel each other to do as you wish. 24:21 You cannot do this and retain each other's love. 24:26 Manifestations of self-will destroy the peace and happiness 24:29 of the home. 24:30 Let not your marriage life, let not your married life be one of 24:35 contention. 24:36 If you do, you will be both be unhappy. 24:39 Be kind in speech and gentle in action. 24:43 Give up your own wishes. 24:46 Watch well your words, watch well your words for they have 24:50 powerful influence for good or for ill. 24:53 Allow no sharpness to come into your voices. 24:56 Bring into the unity life of fragrance of Christ like 25:01 -listen, like-listeness, Christ like-listeness. 25:04 Did I say that right? 25:07 -listeness. 25:08 Okay. 25:11 So I have, I came up with some focus points from reading that. 25:15 And the first one was no fighting for control. 25:17 Like marriage is a partnership, not a power struggle. 25:22 Neither the husband nor the wife should try to determine to 25:25 be the ruler or the boss in the marriage. 25:27 And that's something like we were talking about. 25:29 We need to lead in love, respect each other. 25:33 And you know what that makes me think of, Angel? 25:34 Is that God is not a God of force. 25:36 He gives us free will. 25:38 And so in all our relationships, we need to 25:40 respect the other person's freedom of choice. 25:42 Yes, absolutely. 25:45 Yes. 25:50 before I was spiritual leader in my home, when my husband 25:54 came, gave his heart to God, it was hard for me to let go of 25:59 that, you know, you know, before I was trying to make 26:02 sure the house and everything we did was like to honor Christ 26:06 and then my husband was like, you know, basically taking my 26:10 hand saying, you can let go now. 26:12 I got this. 26:13 And he would be like, let's have worship. 26:14 And it's so nice when you have a husband that leads and 26:18 encourages you and, you know, when he's like, let's like how 26:21 you said, Greg, let's pray about this, you know, and 26:24 before you're trying to pray and talk to God, but now you 26:27 have this helpmate that just, it's wonderful. 26:30 Man, I can't agree with that. 26:30 I went through the same thing. 26:33 So for single people, you know, God calls us to not be 26:37 unequally yoke with unbelievers. 26:40 So I praise God my marriage worked out, but did I have to 26:44 go through all that struggle? 26:45 Cause my marriage was really hard. 26:48 And my Ian's actually my second marriage. 26:50 My first marriage was even harder. 26:52 It was very abusive. 26:53 So, and I was both times unequally yoke. 26:56 So for single people, God instructs us to be with people 27:00 that are our spouses or whoever you're dating. 27:03 Don't date unless you're planning on marrying them. 27:06 And if you're planning on marrying them, make sure it's 27:09 someone that loves God, that loves God more than they love 27:13 you. 27:15 That's my prayer for y'all. 27:17 Can I ask a question? 27:18 Absolutely. 27:24 you're in an abusive relationship. 27:25 How do you even find identity of who you are as a woman? 27:30 Whew, that took a long time, but praise God I was raised in 27:33 a Christian home. 27:35 So as I was being abused and basically, he left me with no 27:40 car, nowhere, like not even food. 27:43 Like my mom once in a while would bring me food and stuff. 27:46 So I moved so many times, it was very abusive. 27:49 And so I looked to God for my strength. 27:54 And I remember just being in a little tiny room, I mean, 27:58 probably not bigger than this, no, the stage is probably 28:01 bigger. 28:06 would just open the word and just find comfort in him. 28:09 And then over time, God was healing me through that. 28:12 So he was, and then he was giving me the strength, praise 28:14 God, to leave him. 28:15 Yes. 28:19 but when he went to go hit my daughter, that's when God said 28:23 enough. 28:24 And he gave me the strength to leave. 28:27 Absolutely. 28:29 Let's, this is unusual, but let's pause a moment because I 28:32 think there's people right now watching who are in an abusive 28:34 relationship. 28:35 God does not want you to be in an abusive relationship. 28:38 You need to be in a safe place. 28:41 That's very important. 28:42 Forgiveness is powerful in a marriage and in a relationship, 28:46 but abuse is not acceptable. 28:48 So let's pray for someone right now who's in that battle. 28:51 Terri, you want to pray for our sisters? 28:54 Heavenly father, Lord, you hear our conversation taking place 29:00 right now. 29:04 listening to this, this talk and so Lord, we pray for them 29:07 in the name of Jesus. 29:09 We ask that you would just send your sweet Holy spirit to bring 29:12 comfort to them, give them the strength that they need, Lord, 29:16 to walk away from any physical abuse that is taking place. 29:20 We pray that you would send Holy angels to just surround 29:23 them and just draw them close to you, Lord, and set them 29:27 free. 29:28 And we thank thee in Jesus' name. 29:30 Amen. 29:31 Thank you. 29:32 Sorry. 29:33 No, thank you. 29:34 So my next focus point is in God's plan for marriage roles. 29:39 So the husband should love and care for the wife. 29:42 Like Jesus loves the church and the wife should respect and 29:45 love her husband. 29:50 earlier, that, you know, as married couples, you know, you 29:54 may not, this is a verse in the Bible in Ephesians 5, 25 29:57 through 28, that I think we need to read and look at more 30:00 often as our role as a married couple, as a husband and wife. 30:06 And for the husband, you should be the loving leadership. 30:10 And the Bible says husbands love your wives just as Christ 30:14 loved the church and gave himself for her to make her 30:18 holy in this same way. 30:20 Husband ought to love their wives as their own bodies. 30:24 He who loves his wife loves himself. 30:28 And as for wives, we are to respect and support our 30:32 husbands. 30:37 your own husband, as you do to the Lord. 30:40 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head 30:44 of the church. 30:45 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves 30:49 himself. 30:50 And the wife must respect her husband. 30:53 And these verses reflect a mutual Christ centered 30:56 relationship marked by sacrificial love for the 30:59 husband and respect and support for the wife. 31:04 And in Venice Home, I love this quote that it says, 31:28 deeper and stronger. 31:30 And this actually sets home with me because, like I said 31:35 before, my husband, him and I were, you know, we weren't 31:39 always walking hand to hand and our love, we loved each other, 31:44 but we didn't have the love we have now. 31:46 Now, you know, when I'm running late, I'm sitting down doing my 31:51 makeup and here comes my sweet husband with breakfast for me. 31:55 And like, we just care so much. 31:57 It's a deeper love. 31:59 And I think we would never have reached that deeper love if we 32:02 never had Christ in our home and as a leadership in our 32:06 home. 32:10 for our children as well. 32:12 You don't, you stop being selfish. 32:14 You stop, it's not about you anymore. 32:16 It's about serving the other person. 32:19 And that's why this verse right here, I just love, and I need 32:22 to actually look more and more, like go back once in a while 32:25 and look at this verse. 32:27 You know, what really jumps out at me is that the man is to 32:30 love his wife as Christ loved the church. 32:32 When we come to Christ, we have not arrived to a state of 32:36 perfection. 32:36 He accepts us as we are. 32:38 He justifies us through his own blood, but then the 32:41 sanctification process begins. 32:43 And so when we come together as man and wife, neither party has 32:46 attained to perfection and so they're going to grow together. 32:49 And what I'm hearing is that you and Ian have experienced so 32:52 many things throughout the years of your marriage and 32:54 you're growing into that love relationship that Christ 32:57 intended for you. 32:58 We are, yes. 32:59 It's only been five years actually that we've been 33:02 together as he gave his heart to God and we've just been 33:05 growing together in Christ and do everything, and this is 33:09 another verse I need for myself, I don't know. 33:11 Guy gave me this topic not only for y'all, but for me too. 33:16 In Philippians 2, 14 it says, do everything without 33:18 complaining and arguing. 33:20 Sometimes, you know, as a wife, we need to not complain. 33:25 Even though sometimes a lot of the load is on us, we should be 33:28 happy that we have a house, we have a roof overhead, we have 33:32 dishes to clean, you know? 33:34 And in a lot of countries, they don't have what we have here. 33:37 And I'm just, you know, God's teaching me, you know, be 33:40 thankful you're clean and be thankful you have this. 33:43 I gave you this, you know, don't complain so much about 33:46 it. 33:47 Love to, you know, do that. 33:48 Be thankful you have a husband that you can clean for and how 33:52 he loves you and how he, you know, is thankful for that. 33:55 And we share our role as a couple. 33:58 Sometimes I do the dishes and sometimes he does the dishes. 34:01 And I learned not to complain about how he loads the 34:05 dishwasher. 34:07 So pick your battles. 34:09 Me too. 34:11 I just say, oh, that's how you want to do it, Stevie. 34:13 That's wonderful. 34:18 matter to him. 34:19 So then it shouldn't, it doesn't matter to me. 34:22 At least he's helping. 34:22 Praise the Lord. 34:25 It's good, sorry. 34:27 And it's good to acknowledge the underlying reason for 34:29 complaining, right? 34:30 Because a lot of times that comes from a place of not being 34:34 content, right? 34:35 You don't like the way the dishwasher is loaded. 34:38 You don't like the way your husband made the bed or even 34:41 your child, right? 34:42 And so you start grumbling, you start complaining and not being 34:46 really comes from a deeper, a deeper place of covetousness 34:54 because you're comparing what you have to something else and 34:56 it's not that other thing. 34:58 And so I really like how you brought out earlier that you 35:01 need to stay focused on Christ, right? 35:03 When you're both trying to attain the same thing, you're 35:06 not looking at other couples, you're not looking at even 35:10 reality TV shows or anything. 35:12 You're just focusing on Jesus and together you're growing and 35:16 there's no reason to complain. 35:18 At least you try to have a reason to complain. 35:22 I like how you brought that up with not looking at other 35:25 couples and comparing because, you know, before I'd be like, 35:29 oh, if I had a husband that loved the Lord, it would just 35:32 be, my life would be perfect. 35:34 But, you know, I had a good husband, you know, God was just 35:38 working on him. 35:42 the perfect marriage and stuff. 35:44 And it's like, no, just work on, pray for God to fix what 35:46 you have. 35:47 The grass is not greener on the other side. 35:50 And I tell couples that my husband, I counsel, I'm like, 35:53 if your house is broken, do you just throw it away? 35:56 No, you go and you fix it. 35:57 You fix what God has given you and you need to be thankful for 36:01 what God has given you and work together to fix that. 36:04 And, you know, sometimes when we point always at the other 36:08 person, it's us that we need to be praying, what's wrong with 36:12 us, that's causing maybe my husband to be like that. 36:15 And that honestly, ladies, when I started doing that, my 36:20 marriage became better because I was always pointing at my 36:23 husband, oh, you know, he drinks too much and, you know, 36:26 why is he doing all these things? 36:28 Am I being a helpmate? 36:30 Am I doing what God's calling me to do? 36:31 And honestly, I wasn't, even though I was calling myself 36:34 Christian, I wasn't being that helpmate and support person for 36:38 my husband. 36:40 So when I started doing that, our marriage, you know, started 36:43 changing. 36:44 So don't be so quick to point the finger. 36:47 And I would like that you pointed that out. 36:48 Right. 36:54 or a situation that I was in, I would have all of these 36:58 biblical concepts of what a man needs to be like, what a 37:01 husband needs to be like, and see like, oh, I don't see that 37:04 in him. 37:04 I don't see that in him. 37:05 I don't see that in him. 37:07 Well, we're all growing. 37:10 So I'm sure they look at me and we're like, you're not Proverbs 37:13 31 either. 37:16 You know, so we got to both kind of like find that middle 37:21 ground. 37:24 okay? 37:26 Absolutely. 37:29 shows, because I think as a woman, we can over romanticize 37:35 relationships and we say, Oh, but my husband's not as 37:39 handsome as this actor or my husband doesn't treat me like 37:42 whatever. 37:49 sorry, we're diverging. 37:53 For men, men can struggle with pornography, not all men, but 37:57 some men can struggle with that because they might be visually, 38:00 but for women, in my opinion, it's romance novels and soap 38:05 operas and romance TV programs where we idolize that. 38:10 And that's not biblical. 38:12 And it makes you discontent, as you said, with what God has 38:16 blessed you with instead of focusing on God. 38:18 Can I just add, a lot of times we see people and compare 38:22 ourselves to them, but that's what we see. 38:24 We don't see what happens behind closed doors. 38:26 So we're romanticizing this idea, Oh, I wish my 38:28 relationship was like that. 38:30 But behind closed doors, it might not be that way. 38:32 That's true. 38:33 It likely isn't, right? 38:35 Yes. 38:36 Yeah, that is so true. 38:37 And I have another focus point is be kind and gentle. 38:41 Don't force each other to do things your way. 38:44 Forcing your will leads to unhappiness and loss of love. 38:48 And another thing that Ellen White says is all should 38:51 cultivate patience by practicing patience. 38:55 And that's something I know I need to practice is patience. 38:58 And I have animals, so that, that I know that may not 39:03 pertain to that, but that's where my patience loses my, my 39:07 puppies, um, by being kind and forbearant, true love may be 39:11 kept warm and the heart and qualities will be developed 39:14 that heaven will approve. 39:17 I love that, that we need to practice patience and that if 39:20 we do, God's the qualities will be developed that heaven will 39:25 approve. 39:26 I love that. 39:28 Anybody has anything to say about gentleness and kindness? 39:32 I just think that it starts in the home. 39:35 And so we can come to work and be kind and patient with 39:38 everybody, but what are we like at home? 39:39 It's kind of easy to do that. 39:41 Easy to be kind with people who you don't live with, but once 39:45 you get him, because you know, your husband always loves you 39:48 or your spouse. 39:49 You know, and even children. 39:51 Yeah, yes, but you know, they love you and you can, but yes. 39:55 If I think the way we are at home, we need to be even, you 39:58 know, better at home because home is where everything 40:01 starts. 40:02 That's where everything begins. 40:04 I think it's important to note too, that we can't do it in our 40:06 own strength. 40:07 It's only as we stay connected to Christ. 40:09 And so that personal devotion time as a woman is so important 40:13 to have that connection with God and to ask him for the 40:17 strength that he has promised to give us to overcome these 40:20 poor character traits and become more like him, you know, 40:23 day by day. 40:24 Yep. 40:25 It's not a run, it's a walk. 40:26 I find that a personal struggle because I need to, as head of 40:31 the household, I'm responsible for being the breadwinner and 40:35 also being the feminine part or filling the motherly role at 40:40 home. 40:45 you know, however many hours and you go home, then you have 40:47 to make supper and then you clean up and all of these 40:49 things to still have that kindness just pour out of you. 40:55 And I'm not saying I'm deliberately mean to my kid, 40:57 that kind of sounds wrong, but definitely a little short, I 41:03 guess I would say. 41:04 I struggle with that particularly. 41:06 I don't know if, I know we're all working women. 41:09 It can be challenging, especially if you have a child 41:12 who can't do much for themselves at home and that air 41:15 in you and you're like, I have to do everything and then, you 41:17 know, you're running behind. 41:18 So that's something that I know I particularly need to grow in 41:22 is kind of exuding the kindness when I go home. 41:27 I can identify with what you're saying. 41:29 Even though I'm a widow, I'm raising my two grandchildren by 41:33 myself and they're eight and nine years old. 41:35 And so there's a lot to take care of in the course of a day. 41:38 And I relate with you saying sometimes you're not always, 41:42 you don't feel impatient, but you're just rushed. 41:45 So it comes out short because you're just trying to get A to 41:48 Z done in the time that you have. 41:51 Excuse me. 41:53 And so I'm just trying to put little things around the house 41:55 to help me to remember about my speech. 41:57 So I found this little thing that I put over my stove and 42:00 it's a little bumblebee and it just says, be kind. 42:03 So when I'm cooking, I can remember to be kind. 42:05 And over my sink, I put a little stone that I found at a 42:07 store and it just says, love is patient. 42:10 And so I'm putting little reminders around the house to 42:13 help me to remember how I'm speaking to the children. 42:16 I'm going to try that. 42:18 I need that. 42:19 You're fulfilling your role as the mentor. 42:23 See, that's beautiful. 42:24 I love that. 42:26 I think for me often, because we don't have children in the 42:30 home, but sometimes work is intense. 42:33 You know, you have a lot of meetings or you have a lot of 42:35 responsibility or a lot of things going on. 42:37 And sometimes what I find is when I interact with Greg, it 42:40 has nothing to do with Greg and it's me, my frustration or my 42:45 whatever, coming out from a previous situation. 42:48 So I think learning to recognize that and acknowledge 42:50 that. 42:54 irritated right now, but it has nothing to do with you. 42:56 I think it's coming out from something before and just being 42:59 open about, you know, that. 43:01 I say that to Ian all the time. 43:04 Yes. 43:04 And then going back to God. 43:06 God, I want to be fixed here, as you talked about. 43:08 I want to grow here. 43:10 And sometimes as a Christian woman, you're like, you know, 43:13 you're not supposed to have those feelings. 43:14 So you're, you feel so bad. 43:16 You have them. 43:17 I'm just like, God, help me. 43:18 I'm so sorry. 43:19 I feel like this. 43:20 And it's just a growth that we go through every day. 43:22 And I think, you know, that just helps us to lean on Christ 43:26 that we need him. 43:29 And speaking about that, my last focus point was be Christ 43:33 like in your marriage, show character of Jesus through your 43:37 actions and words. 43:39 Think more about each other's happiness than your own 43:42 desires. 43:42 And I think that's so true. 43:45 Um, when we think of each other, you know, when we think 43:48 of, like my husband, he knew I was going to be late or 43:51 whenever I'm late in the morning, he's, he goes and 43:54 he'll make me breakfast or he'll get the lunch and take 43:58 care of the animals. 43:59 And, you know, we think of each other and then same thing with 44:02 him when he has to study, I give him his quiet time, you 44:05 know, as married couples, sometimes we need that alone 44:08 time together and just, you know, just think, you know, 44:12 don't be there, you know, just help your husband be, give 44:16 them, you know, that space they need and just think of their 44:20 feelings, you know, instead of your own is what I get out of 44:23 this. 44:25 And any thoughts on that? 44:28 Absolutely. 44:32 Mind, Personality, Mind, Character and Personality, 44:36 Volume One, pretty much in the beginning where she talks 44:41 about, it's evangelizing in general, but understanding the 44:45 different ways that people think, you know, being 44:49 considerate of that. 44:50 And so I see that's what you're saying, like understanding what 44:53 the husband has gone through or what he's going through, what 44:56 he needs to do and being mindful of that instead of 45:00 understanding everything as a reaction to yourself. 45:03 And when you do that, they do it back to you. 45:05 They're like, Oh, that was so sweet of you. 45:06 And then they want to do something. 45:08 Same thing with your kids. 45:09 It's just a circle that, you know, just share the love and 45:12 the kindness in the house. 45:14 That's beautiful. 45:15 You know, we talk about negative cycles, right? 45:17 And the downward spiral, but you can have a positive cycle 45:20 and a positive spiral. 45:22 It goes toward Jesus, but each, Oh, what can I do to help you 45:26 today, honey? 45:27 And what can I do? 45:28 How can I support you and encourage you? 45:30 And then that makes him want to support you. 45:32 And then it's back and forth, but it gets better and better. 45:35 Yeah. 45:36 Praise God. 45:41 wish my husband would support me in this and that, but if we 45:45 would just take our time to do it and think about their needs, 45:48 then it would be reciprocated. 45:49 It's true. 45:50 It's very true. 45:51 I love that. 45:52 Thank you, sis Angela. 45:53 Oh, thank you. 45:54 Powerful. 45:58 unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 46:02 And then my final, my last thought I have is through 46:06 difficulties, perplexities and discouragement may arise. 46:10 Let neither husband nor wife harbor the thought that their 46:15 union is a mistake. 46:17 So God brought you together for a reason or a disappointment, 46:21 determined to be all that is, it is possible to be to each 46:26 other, continue the early attention in every way, 46:30 encourage each other in fighting and battles of life, 46:35 study to advance the happiness of each other. 46:38 And that's in counsels for the church. 46:40 So I really like that. 46:42 Some people are like, I don't know if we should be together 46:45 if, you know, and then I always pull this out, you know, no 46:48 marriage is a mistake. 46:50 Absolutely. 46:54 And when I was a new bride, I asked my grandma, what was the 46:57 secret of their happy marriage? 46:59 And she said, divorce was never an option. 47:03 That's so important. 47:04 They just worked at it. 47:06 Yes, absolutely. 47:08 Forgiveness, love, Christ's work in the heart makes 47:11 tremendous difference in the home. 47:14 I want to be clear, we're not talking about abuse though. 47:16 If there's abuse in the home and you're physically hurt, you 47:20 need to get out and be in a safe place. 47:23 But beyond that, it's amazing what God can do in marriages. 47:27 We're going to switch to Sister Fotini here. 47:29 And I know we're coming down to the end of the first hour. 47:31 So if we don't get to all of it in this hour, we can always 47:34 pick up with it at the start of the second hour as well. 47:37 But go ahead and share. 47:39 So my topic is on the role of a single mom and the helpmate 47:44 spirit. 47:45 Clearly there is no husband in the picture to bring that 47:49 towards. 47:51 But as a mom, especially since I've been blessed with a 47:56 differently abled child who I say raises me well, it's more 48:01 of a strategic planning because like I mentioned earlier, I 48:06 have to take care of everything and that fosters 48:09 characteristics that are good like resilience and I wish more 48:15 patience, but I'm still working on that. 48:17 But it brings along with it a lot of autonomy and a lot of 48:22 taking charge on your own. 48:25 So it's a bit of a challenge to marry that concept with being 48:30 submissive and being a helpmate. 48:34 And the most immediate or yeah, I guess the most immediate way 48:39 that I could do that or that I practice doing that is with my 48:43 child, right? 48:43 I help my child. 48:45 I know I'm going to be, I'm going to need to be in the 48:47 position to help my child for likely the rest of her life. 48:52 And that takes on mainly strategic planning. 48:57 I think I mentioned that earlier. 48:58 So that is making sure that she has the skills that she needs 49:03 to be successful the way that she can in life. 49:09 Praise the Lord. 49:10 I like to say we're on the better side of autism. 49:13 I know things can be a lot more struggling than we've 49:17 experienced so far. 49:20 But in that context, I provide a lot of social reinforcement 49:25 for her. 49:28 She doesn't do well with navigating social interactions. 49:32 And a lot of times people will say, oh, you know, we can't 49:35 even tell she has autism. 49:37 Praise the Lord because she's learned how to carry on a 49:40 conversation through scripts and things like that. 49:42 And so it's good to let her know, you know, what you're 49:46 doing now is appropriate or, you know, look at the other 49:49 person. 49:50 They don't seem interested. 49:51 You need to say excuse me and maybe leave. 49:54 I also don't want her to be in the position where people make 49:57 fun of her, where kids make fun of her. 49:59 And so unfortunately that's an area I have to touch on in 50:03 helping her. 50:04 But overall, the way I practice being help made as a single mom 50:10 is to my child. 50:14 And, well, I brought out the shielding and protecting aspect 50:19 of that. 50:20 Another way that I'm a help mate to her is not paying 50:25 attention to the advice of other people that I get for 50:29 raising her. 50:30 And a lot of parents with children on the autism spectrum 50:33 will relate to this because everybody has a good opinion of 50:37 what your child should be doing or what they shouldn't be doing 50:39 at that moment. 50:41 And even doctors. 50:43 I remember when we first got our diagnosis, Artemis was, I 50:50 think, two and a half years old and she was still in diapers 50:54 and she was growing out of the sizes that we could find in the 50:58 supermarket. 51:02 would we find bigger size diapers? 51:05 And also, did he have any advice for potty training? 51:09 I'm sorry, this is TMI probably for some people. 51:12 And he looked at me and still to this day, almost 12 years 51:16 later, or over 12 years later, I see him looking at me and 51:20 saying, don't worry about that. 51:22 That'll be the least of your concerns. 51:25 And that's just so crushing to hear as a parent, you know, 51:29 when you're just thinking of something very basic as using 51:33 the restroom, teaching your child how to use the restroom. 51:36 And so one way that I help her grow is to not limit her by not 51:44 even my own opinion, let alone something that we were advised 51:48 by, advised to as, what's the word, someone gave us the 51:54 advice 12 and a half years ago. 51:57 And who you would consider superior, right? 52:00 A doctor told me this. 52:02 And so I think one way of being a good help me to her is not 52:06 limiting her ability. 52:08 Can I jump in here? 52:09 You mentioned something I think is super important as woman. 52:14 That is, what is helpful comments? 52:16 And what is hurtful comments? 52:18 In other words, what is helpful in your situation? 52:21 What could we say? 52:23 What could we do that would be helpful? 52:25 And then what are comments that we need to keep our mouth shut 52:29 or need to learn how to be more tactful or, because it seems 52:33 like no matter what the situation, we all have good 52:35 advice that we want to give. 52:37 And so any perspectives on that? 52:40 Well, I agree with Fottini that you don't always have to take 52:43 everything everybody says to you to heart. 52:46 You have to evaluate it, pray about it, and move forward 52:49 based on your situation. 52:50 Because the bottom line is nobody has walked in your 52:52 identical shoes. 52:53 So they don't really know. 52:55 They don't really understand. 52:56 But it's important also to not hold it against that person 52:59 because often we just say things without thinking we've 53:02 all done that. 53:03 And so, yeah, we just move forward and let God be our our 53:08 ultimate guide. 53:10 And like that? 53:11 I would agree with that. 53:13 People are going to give their advice, but just say thank you 53:16 and take it to God in prayer if you think it's something that 53:19 needs prayer or maybe it's something that you've battled 53:22 with already with God and you already know the answer. 53:24 But, you know, be polite and And sometimes he will use other 53:27 people to teach you things. 53:29 So it's important to at least listen. 53:32 So what is helpful, like in your situation, Fottini, what 53:35 would be helpful for someone to say? 53:38 Or would it be like Fottini, we're just praying for you and 53:41 we're here for you? 53:42 Or would it be like, have you researched this on YouTube? 53:45 And have you listened to this? 53:47 Like, what is helpful? 53:49 I don't know if that's putting you on the spot. 53:50 No, no, not at all. 53:52 One thing that it wouldn't necessarily be something that 53:55 one says, more so what one does. 53:58 I think one thing that I never really appreciated was people 54:01 talking to me about Artemis while she was there. 54:06 So if you're going to interact with the person, interact with 54:11 the person. 54:14 included and treated like anybody else. 54:21 So that's good that I would have found that helpful from a 54:25 lot of people. 54:27 And even, you know, parents with children on the spectrum, 54:33 they know, they see what their kid is doing. 54:38 Don't point out to them that their kid is having a tantrum. 54:41 They know that. 54:43 And the best thing that you can do at the time is just nothing. 54:51 Well, since we're talking about it, sometimes specifically in 54:55 your situation, Artemis would do something and I would 54:58 chuckle. 54:59 And a lot of people would chuckle because it's funny, but 55:03 I don't know if that's offensive to you. 55:05 No, no, no, not at all. 55:08 No, that's a good question. 55:10 She's so sweet. 55:11 Yeah, she is. 55:12 She's very kind and loving. 55:13 And you're doing a wonderful job. 55:15 You are. 55:16 Yeah, I love her. 55:17 She's so sweet. 55:21 always so smiling and happy. 55:23 I never see her sad. 55:25 She's very sweet and happy. 55:27 And then the ones that nothing's wrong, they're all 55:28 miserable. 55:32 She always comes over and says hi to me. 55:34 She's precious. 55:35 She really is. 55:36 You're doing a good job. 55:37 You see how I say she raises me well. 55:39 I look at that and I'm like, I need to do that. 55:43 And she loves God. 55:44 You can see that in her. 55:45 Amen. 55:46 I actually have a testimony to that. 55:48 I'm not sure if this is the right time. 55:51 But so Artemis has had to struggle with like gluten and 55:57 dairy intolerance for most of her life and also that and 56:02 given her and struggled to understand abstract concepts 56:06 like God and spirituality and all of that stuff. 56:11 God has really demonstrated his existence and love and care for 56:15 her through very tangible ways. 56:16 And one of them is curing her of something that she struggled 56:21 with healthwise for a very long time. 56:24 And that was very immediate to her where she understood God 56:27 helps. 56:29 And it was just changed her after that. 56:31 So I hope I didn't go too off topic. 56:35 That's beautiful. 56:36 We're coming down to the end of this hour. 56:38 And so then we're going to put a pause on your story here and 56:42 pick it up at the start of the second hour because there's 56:44 still so much more to share about that. 56:47 I so appreciate all of you ladies for sharing. 56:49 And it's so insightful just to see how it looks in someone 56:53 else's world, you know, and what we can do as Christian 56:57 women to support each other, to pray for each other, to take 57:02 that time, to truly understand each other. 57:05 You know, sometimes we get involved in our own world and 57:08 our own things. 57:09 At least I do that sometimes. 57:10 And you forget, you know, to reach outside of yourself and 57:14 to reach into someone else's world and offer that support or 57:17 that prayer. 57:18 So it's really powerful. 57:20 I've been blessed this first hour. 57:21 We have a whole bunch more coming up the second hour. 57:25 More from Fottini. 57:26 We're going to hear from Sasha on parenting as well as Terri 57:30 and mentoring younger woman and then what it looks like in 57:35 ministry. 57:36 So don't go anywhere. 57:37 We will be right back with your 3ABN Ladies Night. |
Revised 2025-05-08