Participants:
Series Code: TIJ
Program Code: TIJ003124A
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00:23 Have you ever wished your child came with a user's guide?
00:27 Have you ever wondered how to motivate them to do their best? 00:31 I am sure we are all hoping to raise healthy, happy, 00:35 well-adjusted children. But it can seem like an overwhelming 00:39 challenge for parents today. 00:41 The changing family structure, work pressures, technology, 00:46 and social influences are among a host of other problems 00:51 that are leaving parents stressed out and worried about 00:54 the future of their children. Is it possible among all the 00:59 turmoil that happens around us to have a truly happy family? 01:04 And if it was, would you like to know the secrets of a 01:09 happy family, a family that enjoyed spending time together 01:13 and where there was love, trust, and respect. 01:17 Well, join me, Gary Kent as we meet with a world-renown 01:22 doctor who has uncovered important research on this topic 01:25 his information may just change your life of your family. 01:52 It has been said that families are the glue that holds 01:59 society together. 02:00 Being a part of a family gives us a sense of identity and worth 02:05 and helps to shape us into the person we are destined 02:09 to become. Knowing that someone loves us and always has 02:13 our back whether we are wildly successful or struggling just 02:17 to put one foot in front of the other. 02:19 Being loved unconditionally is one of the most desirable 02:24 benefits of being part of a family. 02:26 But our world is changing very fast, the evening time 02:32 that used to be spent conversing with mom and dad at the table 02:36 about the day's events, is now spent largely in front of the 02:40 television. At least 50% of the families are breaking up 02:45 and even if a family stays together, or forms a blended 02:49 family in a new relationship, many of them are disconnected. 02:53 Spending more time on their devices and interacting on 02:56 social media than they do with the people that live 03:00 right beside them. So what are the secrets of having a 03:04 happy family? Well, join me as we discuss families with 03:09 Dr. Neil Nedley, a medical doctor who has uncovered some 03:13 fascinating research that shows the lifestyle and habits 03:17 of happy families. 03:19 Dr. Nedley, welcome to our program today. 03:23 What does your research show about happy families? 03:26 Well, a happy family has to start out with a happy marriage 03:31 and the husband/wife relation- ship if its trusting, 03:37 if its loving, if there are definite positives and strengths 03:44 are combined in regards to roles and functions, 03:48 that is the set-up for a very happy family. 03:52 And then we can talk about the studies in regards to good 03:58 relationships with children and how important that is as well. 04:01 How important are families to society? 04:04 Families to society are really the basis of a successful 04:09 productive society. If we have very happy, productive, 04:14 functional families, we are going to have great societies. 04:18 And this is not only based on research but many great 04:23 individuals over time have recognized this. 04:27 I mean Supreme Court justices, Presidents and others 04:31 have talked about this... we kind of ignore family in regards 04:35 to politics and those sorts of things but it is a crucial 04:39 element and If we are going to have successful government, 04:42 even the foundation of our government is happy functional 04:47 families. How important are happy families to children? 04:52 Happy families are crucial for children's intellectual and 04:57 emotional development. And when there is trust in the home, 05:03 when there is safety in the home, when the children know 05:07 that meals are going to be served on time, 05:09 that they are going to be taken care of, 05:11 that they don't have to worry about where their next meal 05:15 is going to come from or if they are going to have good 05:21 authoritative parents when they wake up and live in a 05:24 structured environment, these are all crucial for the 05:27 developing children's mind. And it turns out 05:31 it's not so much the comradery, comradery is important 05:35 but it turns out it's a loving authoritative parent/child 05:41 relationship that works the best. 05:43 And so, yes, we want to play with our kids, we want to have 05:49 that nice trusting, pleasant environment where we can get 05:56 down and be lateral with our kids, but sometimes there is 05:59 over-emphasis on that and not enough emphasis on what 06:03 authoritative loving parents look like and that means that 06:08 there is role distinctions, that there is authority, 06:13 there is family government and that produces great function. 06:17 There is great research showing that happy families are 06:22 very connected to physical and emotional well-being of children 06:27 not only during their childhood, but actually way later into 06:32 their adulthood. 06:33 There was a study for instance by Harvard, its often quoted, 06:37 it's called: 06:40 and it actually just looked at a few simple questions, 06:45 this was questioning adults now about their childhood. 06:49 But they found out that: 07:05 So they'll have lived a very happy, healthy life both 07:10 emotionally and physically. Now there is one if four 07:13 there still going to have issues even though they do have 07:16 a good relationship with mom and dad. But if they have 07:19 a good relationship with just one of them, 50% chance... 07:25 You can flip a coin that they're a serious illness. 07:28 Either a serious mental illness or a serious Physical illness 07:33 by age 50. And if they now don't have a good relationship with 07:38 either mom or dad, it's now 90% chance physical or emotional 07:44 illness, significant by age 50. So you can see: 07:51 just on the basis on how good a relationship you have had 07:57 with your mom and dad. 07:59 And so that of course goes both ways, we want mom and dads 08:03 to foster those good relationships but it's also 08:07 very important for children to recognize that these are 08:11 my parents, they love me, they.. I need to have trust. 08:15 that they're recommending that I do things that are actually 08:18 best for me and their accountability is actually 08:21 for my own good. If they develop that trust relationship 08:25 there's going to be a bond that forms there and it's gonna 08:27 help them physically and mentally really for the rest of 08:31 their life. What can fathers do to get more involved with 08:35 their children? Well, its extremely important for fathers 08:39 to be involved in their children, in other words, 08:41 we want to know what they are taking in school, 08:44 how well they are doing in school, what their strengths 08:47 and weaknesses are, how we can guide them forward 08:50 in regard to those weaknesses in a loving yet accountable way. 08:56 But one of the most primary things that fathers can do 08:59 to be involved with their children is to be involved 09:04 with a loving spouse that will help give them access 09:09 and good access to those children. 09:11 It turns out if you're not getting along with the mother 09:13 of those children, chances are, you are not really involved 09:18 to the extent that you should be in those children. 09:20 And if mother doesn't trust father, mother is going to 09:24 try to limit access for you. Mother doesn't often recognize 09:28 the problems of that because she's thinking this guy's not 09:32 trustworthy, I don't want him to be influencing our kids. 09:39 There's lots of bad things that happen that we just 09:42 talked about you know. 09:51 All of those things. so when we think we are protecting our 09:54 children by keeping them away from their father, 09:56 we're actually not, unless the father truly is a bad man. 10:00 If he is a criminal, if he is abusive, those type of things, 10:03 yes, we need to protect that but then we may need to find 10:08 someone else that could take that loving, authoritative father 10:13 role. And so, it's important for fathers to have the access 10:21 that they need to make their children successful. 10:25 Sometimes, motherhood is just as important, I don't want to 10:29 mention that, that it is some- how inferior. No, motherhood, 10:33 we can't say enough importance in regards to this loving mother 10:37 as well. But often we think that's enough, 10:40 If they've got a loving mother, they don't need these men 10:43 in their life. Not true. The research is very clear 10:47 that they need a good loving, authoritative father figure 10:51 in their life in order to come out balanced, emotionally stable 10:56 and able to handle tough situations. 10:59 Well, I can tell you as far as loving, authoritative 11:03 two biological parent homes that are raised from 0 to 18, 11:08 that's the ideal functional homes is now down to about 20% 11:14 in the western society. 11:15 So that means that only 20% of our daughters and sons 11:20 are being raised with the full advantage of a great family. 11:24 And that means there are a lot of dysfunctional homes 11:28 and hurting home out there and that takes up the other 80% 11:32 and what we want to recognize too, some people might have 11:35 gotten discouraged over the fact that if you don't have a good 11:38 relationship with your mother and father, 90% chance 11:41 you are going to have a serious disease by the age 50 11:43 that's true. And we might talk about the reverse end, 11:46 there's 10% that still didn't have disease. 11:49 What about those 10%? Those 10% actually had good 11:54 replacement figures that were trusting in their life. 11:58 They were able to overcome the obstacles of a dysfunctional 12:03 family by paying attention to their own physical health, 12:07 their own emotional health and well-being and making sure 12:10 they have the right trusting mentors involved 12:13 that can help develop them into very successful people. 12:17 And so, if you don't have a good mom or dad, 12:20 or if your husband and the father of your own children 12:25 was in jail somewhere and can't be available at all... 12:28 It's important, this is where even the importance 12:30 of where church comes in. When you have a loving 12:32 authoritative pastor or a youth pastor, or someone in the 12:35 Sunday School or whatever that can help mentor these kids 12:41 in the right direction, good teachers, good educators, 12:44 that are more than just doing their job as far as educating. 12:48 But actually providing the good empathy and warmth. 12:52 That sort of thing can help the other 80% to be able to 12:57 mitigate against all these increase risks they're under 13:00 by not having a good two parent home. 13:03 Dr. Nedley, do you have any advice for us regarding 13:07 resolving conflict in families? 13:10 I think it's very important to resolve conflicts 13:13 in families, that we look at the mental health of the father 13:18 and mother, very often problems in a home result from mental 13:24 health issues in regards to one or both of the parents. 13:29 And this is why in our program of course we're dealing with 13:33 families but our programs are centered primarily on Depression 13:36 and Anxiety Recovery and the parents who come to our program 13:40 say this is the best Marriage Enrichment program I've ever 13:44 been through. We're not really addressing the marriage so much, 13:47 yes, we are addressing some of the aspects of the marriage 13:50 but we're doing things to get them bio-chemically 13:54 and also thinking-wise to have a balanced mind. 13:58 And once you have a balanced mind, it's a whole lot easier 14:01 to work out your differences. 14:03 And actually it becomes far more simple than we might think. 14:06 Another aspect of resolving conflicts is the home is mom 14:11 and dad have to develop their ability to manage their emotions 14:16 and self-control. Lack of self- control causes problems in the 14:21 family. Particularly when it is mom or dad. 14:23 If we are having problems of self-control of our kids, 14:26 we need to recognize that often that starts from above. 14:30 And how can we be managing the lack of control of our kids 14:35 when we don't have it ourselves. 14:36 And so this is why emotional wellness and the ability to 14:40 manage our emotions...Improving the frontal lobe, where we can 14:44 have more empathy for our children and then recognizing 14:48 the vital aspect that parent- hood will bring 14:52 to our children's successful life. That means it is well- 14:57 worth resolving any conflicts for the benefit of our own 15:00 children. And of course, it will benefit our own lives. 15:02 When we have good relationships with our spouse 15:05 and with our kids...I mean that is something that is going to 15:08 pay dividends a million-fold as time goes on. 15:12 And so, do what it takes, don't be self-centered and say 15:15 I'm just pulling out of here because I want to do this 15:18 and that for me and they're getting in the way of my 15:21 happiness. You need to recognize that short-term happiness 15:24 and that is long-term problems. You think you are going to be 15:27 better-off, you're not going to be better off. 15:30 It's better to resolve those conflicts and do what it takes 15:33 to get your own brain and the brain of your spouse 15:36 functioning optimally. 15:38 What can a dysfunctional family do to become a functional family? 15:43 Well that's a great question, first of all what is 15:46 a dysfunctional family. A dysfunctional family, 15:50 there's a lot of signs of it but that's when meals are not 15:53 served on time. That's when there's not food or 15:56 transportation, clothing issues, and schedules are all over 16:02 the map, it's kind of everyone for themselves in the home. 16:05 That's the sign of a dysfunctional family. 16:07 And kids need structure and if they are not getting regular 16:11 structure, their schedules are going to actually 16:14 adversely affect their own brain. 16:16 Also, who's in charge in the household? 16:20 Are the kids actually the ones in charge? 16:22 That is a sign of a dysfunctional family. 16:24 And yes, they are going to try to exert themselves 16:27 to be in charge, they think they are on a lateral level 16:29 of their parents, but they need to learn in loving ways 16:33 that they're not. Their parents are trustworthy but yet 16:37 the parents are the ones in charge of the household. 16:40 And don't let the kids rule per se. We can have them 16:45 in family government, we can have them involved in even 16:48 deciding what their punishments might be...This doesn't mean 16:51 we become violent in the house- hold and have to do spankings 16:55 and things like that. There's hundreds of other ways that we 16:58 can discipline kids beside that sort of thing. But we need to 17:04 actually decide alright, when these rules are broken, 17:06 how is this going to be dealt with and all of that... 17:09 What I've noticed is my own kids sometimes come up with 17:12 punishments that are far more worse than what I would have 17:15 come up with and I have to try to soften it up because 17:18 on the front end, they want to have some accountability 17:20 too. And so when we involve our kids in family government, 17:26 but the parents are still the ultimate authority in the home, 17:30 that is a sign of a functional family. An outburst of temper 17:35 tantrums, all those things get a whole lot better. 17:38 There might be a first when we exert our authority 17:40 if we haven't been exerting it the right way before 17:43 but it will be well worth lasting through that and still 17:47 making sure that the parents are in charge of the household. 17:52 So, if you notice that your family is dysfunctional, 17:58 don't give up, dysfunctional families can become functional 18:03 families. And by the way functional families can become 18:06 dysfunctional families too. We have to act... 18:09 If we've got a functional family, it takes some work 18:11 to maintain that, particularly the way the functional family 18:15 become dysfunctional is when one of the parents starts 18:17 getting addicted to something. 18:19 That's going to produce a dysfunctional family. 18:23 But what can happen when you have a dysfunctional family? 18:25 How can you get it functional again? 18:27 That's when you need to have a family council meeting and say 18:30 you know what? We have a dysfunctional family, 18:33 what can we do to get this functional again? 18:36 What can we do to have enough proper planning, to have meals 18:40 to be a family event and we're eating together and it's being 18:44 served on time. What can we do as a group to come together 18:48 and have this happen? What can we do to make sure the 18:51 transportation to school is on time? What can we do 18:55 to make sure that we're including the spiritual part 18:58 in our life? And we're having some meaning and purpose 19:01 in our household and then if one of the parents does have 19:06 an addiction, let's address that. What can we do to have you 19:10 overcome this addiction that is inhibiting our ability to have a 19:14 functional family in our home. And go to a depression or 19:19 anxiety recovery program locally. Do the things that 19:21 are necessary so that the mental health of the parents can be 19:25 of such that they can institute a functional family. 19:28 And dysfunctional families can turn into functional families 19:30 within a matter of a few days to weeks. 19:33 But we have to be intentional on working on it and it is 19:36 well worth the effort from all the research I presented here 19:39 today. What's EQ got to do with happy families? 19:43 Emotional intelligence does have a vital role to play in happy 19:47 families. Emotional intelligence is not only knowing our emotions 19:51 but also the emotions of others. So we need to understand when 19:56 our kids are having outbursts, what their thought are behind 20:00 those feelings that are bringing it about. 20:02 And actually instead of us responding by escalating our own 20:06 lack of frustration on the situation, to be able to manage 20:11 our own emotions when our kids are not managing theirs. 20:15 That's another sign of a dysfunctional family by the way 20:18 when the kid's quit managing their emotions, 20:20 the parents also quit managing theirs, that's a set-up for 20:23 disaster. As so, we want to still have the parents in charge 20:27 of their emotions and also to be able to properly read our 20:31 kid's correctly. This is one of the issues that have been 20:36 talked about in regards to when we have adopted parents 20:41 for instance. Studies have shown that adopted parents don't do 20:46 quite as well and biological parents. And it's not because 20:50 they're not as involved... Here's the problem, 20:54 because they don't have the same genetics, 20:56 they're not able to as accurately mind read. 21:00 Because they are thinking, if I had that expression on my face, 21:04 this is what I'd be thinking. But when we have a different 21:07 genetic make-up, we actually might be reading them wrong. 21:10 And so biological parents are much more able to accurately 21:14 mind-read their children. In fact children are often 21:16 wondering, how did you know that was what I was thinking? 21:18 They'll even deny it, I was not thinking that, underneath they 21:22 are saying, boy dad knows exactly what I am thinking. 21:24 So that means we have to be a little bit more patient, 21:30 we have to actually ask some questions... 21:31 What are you thinking? Why was it that you did this? 21:36 What's going on in your head? And help them to be able to 21:41 soften their irrational thoughts because when we have irrational 21:46 thoughts, bad emotions come about. We have rational thoughts 21:50 it's much more balanced. 21:52 And so we can help our own kids recognize the connection between 21:56 thoughts and emotions and when we're emotionally intelligent, 22:00 we're set up to produce and guide emotional intelligence 22:06 of our children to be enhanced. 22:08 Dr. Nedley, do you have a special message to families 22:12 today? The message for families today is to lets with pride 22:20 enjoy, embrace our families. 22:23 You know, we start out in this world with families, 22:27 and when we leave this world, who's going to be there? 22:31 is family and in between is also very important. 22:35 Let's love and embrace our spouses lets support them, 22:41 let's love and embrace our children, let's not subject 22:45 or give up our role of authority, loving authority 22:49 over our children. There are lots of pressures for us to go 22:52 a different way but I can tell you, it is well worth having 22:58 and embracing that loving family unit that will actually 23:04 help us even spiritually as well and by the way, the spiritual 23:08 part helps the loving families. 23:10 And so, being a part of a church family can help us in regards to 23:17 growing our own families, getting this overall meaning 23:21 and purpose of our families achieving great good in this 23:25 world. Not just for their own success but helping other 23:28 families, helping others in need, teaching our children 23:32 to do those types of things. When we live a selfless life 23:37 as parents prioritizing our kids, we will not be 23:43 disappointed. Dr. Nedley, thank you for joining us 23:46 on our program today and for sharing such valuable 23:49 information with us. It's been great being here Gary 23:53 thank you so much for having me. 23:54 Sometimes we feel overwhelmed and inadequate with our role 24:00 as the parent. Sometimes we are concerned that we haven't 24:04 quite been the ideal parent we'd like to be 24:07 for our children. In fact, the Bible is full of stories 24:11 of people who have been less than perfect. 24:14 They made mistakes and their families suffer and yet 24:18 when they gave their inadequacies and insecurities 24:21 to God, He found ways to mend their brokeness. 24:26 There's a story in the Bible Book of I Kings 18 about how God 24:31 brought the children of Israel back to being connected 24:35 with Him. God asked His loyal friend Elijah to call a 24:39 gathering and to provide a space for them to 24:42 re-connect with Him again. 24:44 Throughout the events of the day, the people we led to 24:48 realize the futility of putting worthless things in the place 24:53 of God. They came to realize that God needed to be at the 24:58 center of their lives. 25:14 Notice in the story that when the people gathered around 25:17 the altar to pray to God, it automatically brought them 25:21 closer to each other. That's what connecting to God does, 25:26 it helps us repair damaged relationships so that we can 25:30 live in harmony. 25:32 In an online forum designed for parents to connect and share, 25:38 families were asked to post their biggest parenting 25:41 challenges. One mom shared these sentiments: 25:57 Perhaps that's how you feel, but if you would like support 26:01 and encouragement to be the best parent you can, 26:04 to raise children to become well-adjusted, caring and 26:08 independent adults, then I'd like to recommend a free 26:12 gift we have for all our Incredible Journey 26:15 viewers today. It's a booklet called Raising Happy Families 26:21 In a Modern World. This booklet is our gift to you 26:24 and it's absolutely free. I guarantee there are no costs 26:29 or obligations whatsoever. So, make the most of this 26:33 wonderful opportunity to receive the gift we have for you 26:37 today. Phone or text us at: 0436333555 in Australia 26:45 or 0204222042 in New Zealand. Or visit our website tij.tv 26:54 to request today's free offer and we'll send it to you 26:57 totally free of charge and with no obligation. 27:00 Write to us at GPO Box 274 Sydney NSW, 2001, Australia. 27:07 Or PO Box 76673, Manukau, Auckland 2241, New Zealand. 27:14 Don't Delay. Call or text us now. 27:20 If you've enjoyed today's journey into the world of 27:23 Modern Families and our reflections on the secrets 27:26 of a happy family and how God cares for us, 27:29 then be sure to join us again next week when we will share 27:33 another of life's journey's together. 27:38 you to join me as we pray and ask for a special blessing 27:41 on our families that is found in the Bible Book of 27:44 Numbers 6:24-26. 28:01 And we pray this in Jesus name. Amen. |
Revised 2021-03-18