Participants: Yvonne Lewis (Host), Dr. John K. Jacob
Series Code: UBR
Program Code: UBR000062S
|
00:01 Are you single and looking for that special someone?
00:03 Are you married and wondering how can I make this better? 00:07 Well, stay tuned to meet someone who can tell you 00:10 just why things may be going awry in your relationship. 00:14 My name is Yvonne Lewis, and you're watching Urban Report 00:38 Hello and welcome to Urban Report 00:41 My guest today is Dr. John K. Jacob 00:44 author of the XY Theory and President of XYMatchquest. com 00:50 Welcome to Urban Report Dr. Jacob... 00:53 Thank you Dr. Lewis, thank you. Yeah... I'm glad you're here. 00:55 You know, so many people are wanting to be 00:59 either in a relationship or they're already in a 01:02 relationship and it's just really... shaky... 01:05 What... What are some of the reasons why 01:11 you've written this book about relationships? 01:15 Well, about 90 percent of relationships... 01:19 dating relationships never go all the way... to marriage, 01:24 Hmmmm...... about over 90 percent 01:25 and when we the tested couples, we even found for them 01:29 85 percent of them were in what I call an XY Relationship 01:32 where they are mismatched... 01:34 Oh, so, is that why 01:37 they don't go further... because they find out 01:39 that they're mismatched? Yeah, 90 percent of the singles 01:41 don't go further, they don't know why they are mismatched, 01:44 Right...... they just know that 01:45 something isn't right... so, they have the option 01:48 to break it off... because they're not married yet 01:51 and find someone else... but over 90 percent of them 01:54 do that and the real reason is personality difference 01:57 that they are completely unaware of... 01:59 Huh... so let's talk about that, so, in your book you talk about 02:03 X and Y personalities... describe that... 02:07 OK, it's a personality type and there are other personality 02:11 types out there... but I wanted to take it a step 02:14 further and find what I call "a personality code" 02:16 personality types actually will tell you 02:19 how someone is going to behave, but I realize that we've known 02:24 that for a long time and our divorce rate 02:25 is still at 50 percent... so I did some more research... 02:28 about five years worth of it... I actually found that 02:31 when you look at something a little deeper... 02:33 a personality code which is... not just how 02:36 someone would behave but what someone's actual needs 02:39 are in the relationship, this is something that's not 02:43 known generally... no one really tells someone else 02:46 "OK, this is what I need specifically" 02:47 most of us don't know... 02:50 so I had to create a test 02:52 that could tell you what your specific needs are 02:54 in the relationship, so you have an idea 02:57 of what kind of person you need to be looking for. 02:59 Oh, that's great... so how did you... 03:01 let's go back and talk about how you got to this point 03:06 how did you decide that you wanted to write 03:08 about a relationship? Okay... quite accidently 03:11 there were a few things... one... I was bothered by the 03:14 fact that the ratio of single men... 03:16 especially in Church Organizations... 03:19 the ratio of single women to men is 6 to 1... 03:22 Hmmmm... So immediately I thought 03:24 "Okay... our sisters need to date smarter... " 03:28 We need some help... give us some help... 03:30 ...that we cannot do things the way we've been doing it 03:32 because that ratio is horrific, Right... right... 03:34 ...so that was the first thing, the second thing is, of course, 03:38 the divorce rate is skyrocketing in Christian circles... 03:43 now it's at 49 percent... the last time I looked at it 03:46 which is just on par with what's going on outside, 03:49 That's almost half..... yes, and it's as bad as it is 03:52 for non-Christians... Yes... yes... 03:54 so, that was alarming... and, you know, 03:56 I tend to be very curious... I was curious to know 03:58 what might be causing that... but also, and I did get 04:03 permission to talk about this, but I observed my parents... 04:08 Okay... let's talk about that... Yeah, I grew up in a 04:12 Seventh-day Adventist home, I grew up Catholic 04:14 but we converted pretty early, and so I was able to have that, 04:17 you know, Seventh-day Adventist background... 04:20 and I observed three things in my parents... 04:22 number one... I observed that they truly loved the Lord 04:25 and I observed that they really loved the Church 04:28 they became officers, they did whatever they could 04:31 to help out... and I noticed that Church members 04:35 began to put them on a pedestal, Hmmmm... 04:38 the perfect marriage... "Look at Brother and Sister Jacob 04:42 it's so wonderful and you young people need to have 04:46 a relationship like this... " but they didn't go home with us. 04:51 Hmmmm... My parents stayed together 04:55 for 51 years because of their commitment to God 04:57 and their commitment to marriage... and to each other 05:00 but they weren't happy... and so from a very young age 05:04 it occurred to me that there has to be more than spirituality 05:07 that's causing the poison that we have 05:11 in relationships right now and leading us 05:14 all the way to divorce courts... 05:15 there had to be something more, so, the moment I hit college, 05:19 I started out with a degree in Theology... 05:22 because I wanted to understand that aspect first... 05:25 and then went right into... a Ph. D. in Psychology... 05:28 and started doing research, and the more research I did 05:30 the more I discovered that personality differences 05:33 were wrecking havoc in our relationships 05:36 way more than spirituality... This is so interesting Dr. Jacob 05:41 because, you know, we have, and this is not just in your home 05:46 but in many homes... we have a face for Church 05:50 and we have a face at home... Absolutely... absolutely... 05:54 and what you're telling me is that what you saw at home 05:57 was a different face from what you saw... at Church... 06:00 and it wasn't that your parents didn't love God... 06:03 they obviously did... it wasn't that they didn't love 06:05 each other... they did... but... but they had these underlying 06:09 issues... so you did... what many people might not do 06:13 you went and got a Ph. D. and found out how to address it. 06:17 Exactly... exactly... Which is tremendous... 06:18 So, what did you find in your research? 06:22 What did you find? Okay... you mentioned persona 06:25 and that's perfect... that's exactly what I found 06:28 I found out, and in addition, of course, 06:30 other Sociologists and Psychologists have been doing 06:34 research and there's a lot of research within the last 06:37 10-15 years... and so what I found, out of my research, 06:40 is that we actually have two personalities... 06:43 Hmmmm... so we have a Social Personality 06:46 and we have a Relationship Personality... 06:49 Okay... explain that... 06:50 Okay, the Social Personality is the one that you use in Church, 06:53 Ahh... That's the Church Face... 06:55 The Church face... okay... all right... 06:57 it has one responsibility... and that is... 06:59 to make you look good... Hmmmm... 07:01 that person will be your make-up artist... 07:03 Okay... That person will make sure 07:05 that people like you... that you present yourself 07:07 in a way that people think the best of you, 07:09 it also operates on the job, which is why, very often, 07:15 people again... don't know who you really are... 07:17 when they see you only operating when other 07:21 important people are observing you... 07:23 Yes... Unfortunately, 07:25 the "Social Persona" is also responsible for dating, 07:28 Hmmm... your best foot forward, so to speak, 07:31 ...totally... and now we know for a fact 07:33 that it has a whole cache of hormones 07:36 that that it can use to trip us up... 07:39 in that process... there are hormones 07:41 that come into play only when you think 07:43 about dating someone that actually causes you 07:46 to be blinded to their faults. Come on now, Doc... 07:49 Absolutely... Come on now... 07:51 so you're telling us that there are actually physiological 07:55 mechanisms in place that can help us not to see 08:00 who we're dealing with... Absolutely... 08:02 Wow... how deep is that! It's a little scary... 08:07 Yes! yeah... Also, the whole gamut... 08:11 the feeling of the butterflies in the stomach... 08:13 all of that is chemical... Yes... 08:15 the feeling of falling in love, you're getting on the phone 08:18 and you're talking until four in the morning... 08:20 and don't even know where the time went... 08:22 Yeah... So, normally you'd have been 08:23 hungry... but the hormones suppressed that... 08:26 even the appetite... to prepare you to fall in love. 08:29 So, that's why sometimes people lose weight... 08:32 Yes...... when they are just 08:33 falling in love... Absolutely... 08:35 they can tend to lose weight... because, they're not as hungry, 08:38 isn't that amazing the way the body is made? 08:43 It absolutely is... So what do you do, so tell us, 08:45 But here's the problem... so the Social Personality, 08:49 however... and you also have the euphoria and the excitement 08:53 Right...... but that actually comes from 08:54 finding someone that is somewhat different from you... 08:57 Hmmm... hmmmm... which is why we hear 08:58 "opposites attract" Yes... 08:59 opposites still attract... even in XY Theory... 09:02 opposites attract... the problem is... 09:04 the hormones that cause an attraction... 09:06 are withdrawn... when you get 09:08 deep into the relationship, 09:10 deep into the commitment, maybe even to the marriage, 09:13 those hormones are withdrawn along with the 09:16 social personality... whose job is finished... 09:18 You know what! this is really... 09:22 this is so interesting because I'm thinking about 09:23 my own personal life and my past... 09:26 and this is so interesting because that's very true 09:29 the deeper you get into, like you can get into a marriage 09:33 and then go, "Whoa... what did I do?" 09:36 what did I do... and why is so clear to me now? 09:38 no offense to any of my exes... but yeah, but that is amazing.. 09:43 ...and like any other hormone in the body... 09:45 the body gets used to the chemicals that you put in it... 09:48 Right... right... and so... somewhere between 09:51 three months and two years... most of us will get 09:55 our bodies will get tolerant of the hormones 09:58 and so, once those happy hormones are withdrawn... 10:01 you see the person very clearly for who they really are... 10:05 by then the social personality is gone... 10:07 and the relationship personality emerges which is the person 10:10 you are stuck with, if you're married, 10:12 for the rest of your life... Dr. Jacob, that's deep 10:15 so, now let me ask you something can you then... 10:18 does this make a case... then... for longer dating time 10:23 so that... you kind of get to find out 10:26 who the person really is? 10:27 who their relational face is? Longer... but not too long... 10:34 Okay... explain... Now, we have two personalities 10:37 you have an X type and Y type personality, 10:39 coming from the research... and they date differently... 10:44 this is the reason why, I'm saying, "Not too long" 10:46 we know for a fact that X type personalities tend to waste 10:51 a lot of years... a lot of time on relationships 10:55 that are going nowhere... hmmmm... 10:57 Y types do not... X types date with their hearts, 11:04 Y types date with their heads. Okay, so wait, let's go back now 11:09 okay, so, one side is more right-brained 11:12 and the other is more left-brained 11:14 are you saying that? Pretty much... 11:15 and who is more right-brained? Right-brained would probably be 11:20 what are you thinking... the X or the Y? 11:22 Well, I'm not sure... I'm trying to get it clear 11:25 in my head... one thinks with the head, 11:27 the other thinks with the heart, which one thinks with the heart? 11:30 The X thinks with the heart, Okay... so the X would maybe 11:33 tend to be more right-brained than the Y... 11:35 OK... So, the X now, 11:38 does a lot of things... which is one of the reasons 11:41 why I wrote the book as we said, we have a 11:43 "singles" problem... 11:45 Yes...... in and outside of the Church 11:47 I mean, if you go to New York, the ratio is 2 to 1... 11:49 so the possibility in New York, and big cities, 2 to 1... 11:52 so, this is not the place to find someone... I mean... 11:55 and other demographics factor in... 11:56 Yes... But X types tend to do several 12:00 things that do not help them actually find that person and if 12:04 you have a ratio of 6 to 1 the odds are not in your favor 12:08 then you have to date "smarter" Right... which we should, anyway 12:12 Right? So X types for starters 12:14 they... we all have a blueprint, 12:17 and I'll talk about that blueprint in a little bit... 12:21 but we all have a blueprint 12:22 coming to us from childhood, given to us by our parents, 12:24 given to us by society, by culture, 12:26 and it sort of feeds to our standards... 12:32 it tells us what our standards should be in a partner, 12:34 Hmmmm...... what Xs tend to... 12:36 when they meet someone they like... relax those standards 12:40 Hmmmm... hmmm... throw out the blueprint 12:43 and say to themselves, I'll change whatever I find, 12:47 Hmmmm... which is a big problem... 12:51 instead of dealing with the person as they are, 12:53 I'm going to change... him or her 12:55 Right... or finding someone that might use your blueprint 12:58 instead of discarding it... so, Xs do that again 13:01 because they're going with their heart... 13:03 and if this person feels right to them 13:05 Right... forget about this list... 13:07 who needs this list, "Yes, I wanted the guy to be 13:10 at least 5 ft 10 inches, but he's 4 ft 9 inches tall 13:14 then... he's really sweet, he's really sweet, 13:15 so, I'm looking to hold on to him and see how things go... 13:18 Right, right, right, right... That is not something 13:22 that a Y type does... Okay... 13:23 now, the Y type might date a 4 ft 9 inch girl 13:27 but always at the back of his mind is... 13:29 "This is not the person I'm taking home to mom" 13:31 Hmmm... hmmmm... because he's always thinking 13:35 with the head not the heart. Hmmm... hmmm... 13:38 And so, many times, you get the X type with the Y type 13:43 the X is wasting time, the Y is just maybe 13:47 marking time... and you got... an issue... 13:51 Yeah... Marking time until someone 13:53 comes along... and by the way, 13:54 Y types are notorious for not giving closure 13:57 to their partners... Hmmmm... 13:59 the moment that other person shows up, 14:01 you have no idea, you have no clue, 14:03 the behavior changes, some of them... 14:05 completely disappear... you've heard the stories 14:07 of guys who disappeared and... without a trace... 14:09 Yes... yes... yes... yes... without a trace... 14:11 this is Y-like behavior... they tend to leave 14:14 their partners without closure... 14:15 so, when I created the test, I actually had to create 14:18 more than one test, because there were so many 14:20 women coming to me and asking me about 14:21 past relationships... Hmmm... 14:23 that I created a test that they could do... for that Ex 14:27 it's in the book... for that Ex... 14:29 and it would tell them whether he was a Y... 14:31 so they could have the closure they never had... 14:35 Oh... that's... you know... that's such a deep thing 14:38 because... closure is so important... 14:41 because it's hard to move on... really... emotionally... 14:45 if you don't have closure... from a previous relationship 14:49 so this test... actually helps the person to move on... 14:53 that's such... that's a very significant thing 14:56 Because we all want to know... where did I go wrong... 14:58 Right...... was it me... 14:59 Right... yes...... was it something about me... 15:01 well, now we're finding out... and even... some of the Science 15:04 that's coming out in the last five years... 15:06 it's telling us that the blueprint... 15:10 that the Y-type partner used, to tell him 15:13 that you were not the one, had nothing to do with you... 15:17 Hmmmm... Absolutely... handed to them 15:19 like an assignment... this is what you look for... 15:23 so, no matter how good you treated him... 15:25 no matter how good you looked, no matter how long 15:28 you put up with his nonsense his foolishness... 15:31 thinking... as an X would... that you can change him... 15:35 Hmmm... hmmmm... ... he did his thing... 15:38 he was resistant to change and it had nothing to do with you, 15:40 because, he came into the relationship... 15:42 knowing what he wanted... this is the reason why 15:45 the book is sub-titled, "How relationships end... 15:48 before they begin" because one person at least 15:50 is coming in knowing... "You're not the one... 15:52 I'm just here for some time... just, you know, 15:55 let me see my watch... let me see how long it is before I... " 15:57 Dr. Jacob you could save... you know how much... 16:01 obviously you do... you wrote the book, 16:02 how much time and emotional energy you can save someone... 16:07 if they know this... Absolutely... absolutely... 16:09 ...and also... if they know that it's nothing that they did 16:13 I think... that's so important because... 16:15 I read a book a while ago, 16:18 on, I think it was, "Men who can't love" 16:21 or something like that... and it was a few years ago 16:24 actually... and it basically alluded to the idea that 16:28 it's not necessarily you... some people are... 16:31 I call them CPs "commitment phobics" 16:33 where they just can't make the commitment... 16:35 ...those are the Y types... Those are your Y types... 16:38 yeah, and there are reasons for why they can't make a commitment 16:41 because... they have a blueprint this is the thing... 16:43 I know Xs should not throw away their blueprints 16:46 as quickly as they do... they do a lot of things wrong, 16:49 Hmmm... Xs will come in and they 16:51 have the blueprint and they give too much 16:56 Hmmmm... hmmmm... they start too early, you know, 16:59 disclosing and sharing and giving and bonding 17:02 Hmmm... hmmmm... Right... 17:03 Hmmm... hmmm... because they're thinking 17:05 with their hearts and they want that closeness 17:07 Yes... hmmm... hmmm... 17:09 and if you ever want to know if you're in an XY relationship 17:12 try and figure out who is the one doing 17:13 most of the adjusting hmmm... hmmmm... 17:15 who is the one that's doing most of the changing 17:17 the X type person is doing that 17:20 and as a result of that, they think that the person that 17:22 they are dealing with will also reciprocate in kind... 17:24 and that person doesn't... because that person 17:27 doesn't have that personality, but they don't know that 17:30 they don't understand that, so they think, 17:31 "It's just a matter of time" people need different 17:34 lengths of time... so this guy needed two years... 17:36 maybe I'll give him five, maybe after five years 17:39 he'll really change... my parents were 51 years 17:41 married when my dad passed last year... 17:44 Hmmm... hmmmm... ... and I got my dad 17:46 to take the test on his dying bed 17:48 because he refused prior to that he always said, 17:50 "I don't want the test" Hmmm... hmm... 17:51 and when he took the test, the disparity... 17:55 because the test really... the lower version of it 17:57 goes from zero to one hundred when he took the test, 17:59 my mom was 95 points meaning she always had 18:02 high needs... of things like intimacy, 18:04 high needs of communication and we'll talk 18:06 about that in a minute... Yes... 18:07 my dad scores 25 18:10 Wow! look at the disparity... ... 75 points that they never 18:15 could work on in 51 years... My... 18:18 and it didn't mean that they couldn't... 18:20 it just meant that if they knew about it, 18:22 and they knew what to do about it... 18:23 things could have been different So, are there tools 18:27 that you can use to close the gap between Xs and Ys? 18:31 Absolutely... and by the way, anything more than a 18:33 14-point difference... you already know that they are 18:36 going to have problems on a 100-point scale... 18:38 we found anything more than 14 points in communication 18:42 or intimacy... so, Xs tend to... 18:45 communication Xs... or what we call 18:47 "X Communicators" they tend to like a lot of 18:51 communication... Hmmm... hmm... 18:52 not just... they like it... but they need it... 18:54 hmmm..... this is what's the difference 18:56 between this and any other book out there... 18:58 the other books talk about... preferences... 19:00 when you go on a match-making site... they ask you 19:04 "Do you enjoy the beach?" Right... 19:05 "Do you like the movies and the opera?" 19:07 Right... Well, guess what... 19:09 they are preferences... yeah... if you don't like 19:11 to go to the beach... but the guy that takes you 19:13 to the beach... 10 times before the wedding 19:16 might not take you one time in the next ten years after... 19:21 because it's not his practice, it's a preference that he stated 19:25 again... social personality... so that he could look good 19:29 so that he can get you... So these other sites 19:32 kind of measure your social personality 19:35 and not your relational. 19:36 Exactly... Very interesting... 19:39 and the few that are catch on and trying to do a little thing 19:41 with personality... they are still doing 19:43 Personality Type... and not Personality Code... 19:46 Personality Type says "Okay... this is my type... 19:48 and this is how I behave... " remember... 19:49 Personality Code says, "I don't want to know... 19:53 just know about your type... I want to know what drives you 19:56 I want to know what will drive your practices... 19:58 I want to know if you'll continue to be nice to me... 20:02 to be good to me... the way you are right now 20:04 before I say, "I do" before I let you put that 20:07 ring on my finger... I need to know 20:08 what you're going to be like... inside of the relationship... 20:11 so,.. because you don't really know 20:13 ...because nobody can know... ... until you get there... 20:14 ...and that's the reason I put in the code... 20:16 you hear about "Da Vinci Code" and different codes... 20:18 ...but the word "code" itself simply means "covert" 20:21 you know, something that is "unknown" kind of a... 20:23 you know, like a secret... Right... 20:25 ...so the reason why... that's the reason why I said, 20:27 we need "the personality code" because we need to go 20:29 a step further to find out... "Will this person meet my... 20:33 they're meeting my needs now, will this person meet my needs 20:36 on the other side... " hmmm... hmm... 20:39 so, what I did is... I had to find a test... 20:41 create a test... and it took five years, 20:43 I made... a lot of revisions... like a 100 revisions... 20:45 I had to create a test, that would skip 20:48 your Social Personality which everyone sees... 20:51 Right...... and will go straight and 20:53 measure your Relationship Personality 20:54 which even you don't know about Wow... that is incredible... 20:58 Do you know... everybody is going to want 21:01 to take this test... I hope so... 21:03 I know you do... everybody... but I mean really 21:06 because why not... because, why not find out 21:09 who you've got or who you're considering... 21:12 Right... right... Now suppose one partner 21:15 wants to take the test and the other one... doesn't 21:19 Okay... the book has 4 tests... Okay... 21:22 two for... you know... willing partners... 21:24 Right... right... ... which, by the way, 21:26 are very rare... 15 percent, Really... so 85 percent 21:30 ...85 percent are XY couples and have a partner 21:33 that is going to be... reluctant to take the test 21:37 in fact... I even found some X types that are reluctant 21:40 to take the test... Hmmm... 21:41 Why would that be, you think? X types get their self-esteem 21:48 from who they're with... Hmmmm... 21:51 whereas Y types get their self-esteem from who they are... 21:55 Now, can you have combinations of the XY type? 21:59 Yes, we do... as a matter of fact... we actually have 22:01 we actually have four personality types 22:02 which is why I always tell people, 22:04 "You only have a 25 percent chance of accidently choosing 22:09 the right partner... " You have a 75 percent... 22:13 of not... because there are four types 22:15 and this is how it goes... you have XX... 22:17 now, the X simply means high... when you think of X... 22:20 a lot of people say, "Are those... chromosomes?" 22:22 even on the plane... I had the book out and the... 22:24 and this lady said... "You're talking about 22:26 chromosomes in your book right?" Right... right... 22:27 X and Y chromosomes, right... right... right... 22:29 ...but no... it's personality types... 22:30 X simply means high, so anything 51 points and above 22:35 is in the X category... and anyone 50 points and below 22:39 it's in the Y... so, if we're talking about 22:42 communication... somebody that has high communication needs 22:45 will be 51 points and above... somebody who has low 22:49 communication needs will be 50 and below 22:51 same thing for intimacy... so if you have high 22:54 intimacy needs... you would be an X... 22:56 what I call an intimate X and if you have a low 22:59 intimacy needs you'd be in the Y category... 23:02 so because of that... you can have an XX 23:05 meaning.. you're high with both, communication and intimacy 23:08 or you could have a YY... meaning that you are low 23:11 with both like my dad was... because my dad and my mom 23:14 were both high on both ends... and both low on the other end... 23:18 Yes... So, I mean, they really suffered 23:20 and so, you can also have a YX meaning that you have a low need 23:26 for communication... so the first letter is always 23:28 communication... so you have a low need for 23:30 communication... but you have a high need for intimacy... 23:33 Hmmm...... and then, of course, 23:35 you could have the XY... I actually have... 23:37 my best friend is in California, they've been married 23:39 for 20 years... and they have... what I call 23:42 an inverted relationship... How is that? 23:44 it's... His is YX and her's is XY 23:47 Ah... now does it work? No, it does not... 23:50 and has not... they've stuck together... 23:53 which is why... this test does not predict 23:54 whether or not you will get a divorce... 23:56 it just predicts how rough and rocky the ride is going to be... 23:58 Okay...... so they stuck it out... 24:00 but they both told me... separately... how horrible 24:05 some parts of it are... Yes... 24:07 ...and it's always predictable I could have given them 24:10 this test 20 years ago and told them exactly what to expect... 24:12 exactly what they're telling me right now... 24:13 so, with the inverted relationship... 24:17 XY... YX... 24:18 it means... one person has... 24:20 what the other person doesn't need... 24:22 and the other person is giving 24:24 what the other person doesn't want... 24:27 Wow!... so they're not speaking each other's language... 24:30 ...at all... and the two most... and when I say communication 24:33 and intimacy... I didn't just say it to make it up... 24:36 they did a tremendous amount of studies in the... 24:39 from 2000 on... and they found that... 24:41 every time couples fought... when they distilled 24:44 the arguments down, it always came back to 24:47 communication and intimacy... one or both of those 24:51 not being met... And we're not talking about 24:53 sexual intimacy right... just emotional... 24:55 ...absolutely not sexual... just emotional... 24:57 and some people say, "Well, we've always known that" 24:59 but no... what we have known is... what the components 25:01 of each are... Hmmm... 25:03 ...so, in the book... I have about 15 components 25:05 of communication that people look for 25:07 when they are high communicators... 25:09 and it's easy to tell... like if you're dating... 25:12 and the guy happens to let you see the phone... 25:15 he probably won't... ah... huh... 25:16 but if he happens to let you see the phone... 25:18 look and see... or just... look at the texts 25:20 that he sends you... Hmm... hmmm... 25:22 ...if he sends you texts that is as long as a thesis, 25:25 he's an X Communicator... you'll know that immediately, 25:29 now, you send a long text to a Y... that you think 25:32 requires some explanation or some response... 25:36 very often... you will get a one- or two-word response... 25:39 okay... nothing else... okay... you said all of this... 25:43 I was wondering what we should do... 25:45 or... "k"... just "k"... you know... why you get the "k" 25:48 because they... again... everything... 25:50 their communication is functional 25:51 as everything else... and they're thinking... 25:53 if I drop the "o"... 25:54 the "k" makes all the sense in the world... 25:57 why does she need an extra letter right... 26:00 and that... is what you're dealing with... 26:04 that is the personality that you're dealing with, 26:06 for the Y Communicator compared to the X 26:09 and it's not... I tell people... because I have a lot of Ys 26:11 that come out... I had this guy when I... 26:13 I do presentations every two or three months 26:15 I'm somewhere... doing a presentation or a seminar... 26:18 in a Church or in an Organization, 26:20 and I have these people come up to me afterwards, 26:22 especially the Ys... not the Xs so much... 26:23 but the Ys... one guy came up to me 26:25 and he said "I am a converted Y" and that kind of broke my heart, 26:30 because I said, "I hope that I'm not giving you 26:32 the impression that Ys are "bad", "terrible people" 26:34 I said, "No, no, no... 26:36 nobody is right or wrong in this it's just... 26:40 you are one personality type and I am another... 26:44 we're different... that's what it is... 26:45 it's about differences... not about right and wrong... 26:48 Exactly, you're not saying that Xs are good people 26:50 and Ys aren't... they just have a different perception... 26:53 yeah... different way of meeting each other's needs... 26:56 Yeah... yeah... yeah... so, we just have... 26:59 about one minute... is there anything that you want 27:02 the viewers to know... Well, the book XY Theory 27:05 is available everywhere... and in every format... 27:08 you can get it as an e- book on your Kindle 27:11 you can go to Amazon. com some friends called 27:13 from the U.K. to say that it's in bookstores over there 27:15 so you can get it... everywhere... 27:17 but you can also get it on my website xytheory. com 27:20 or jacobinstitute. com but it's available anywhere 27:24 and anywhere you go... we are also trying to get it 27:26 in our Adventist Book Centers so, I would try there first... 27:31 and see if they've already gotten their shipment... 27:34 Great... thank you so much, thank you so much 27:36 for being with us... and may God bless you 27:39 as you continue to help relationships everywhere... 27:41 Once again, it's time to go, you know, relationships are so 27:45 critical and we just sometimes neglect to really focus 27:49 on the importance of knowing... "Who am I dating... 27:53 or what's going on in this marriage... " 27:56 Thanks for tuning in. Join us next time. 27:58 It just wouldn't be the same without you. |
Revised 2025-01-23