Participants: Yvonne Lewis (Host), Patti Conwell
Series Code: UBR
Program Code: UBR000066S
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00:00 Are you single and wondering
00:01 if you'll ever meet that special someone? 00:04 Well, stay tuned to meet a woman who made the most 00:07 of her single life and shares her journey 00:09 in a great new eBook... My name is Yvonne Lewis 00:12 and you're watching Urban Report. 00:36 Hello and welcome to Urban Report... 00:38 My guest today is Patti Conwell, author of 00:41 "Nobody Ever Told Me I Might Not Get Married" 00:43 an Associate Professor of Communication 00:46 in Oakwood University. Welcome to Urban Report Patti... 00:50 Thank you Yvonne... Yeah... I'm so happy you're here 00:53 Okay, so I have to tell you this is my first cousin... 00:56 but she really would not be on... 00:58 if she couldn't cut the mustard. 01:00 Just assure everybody of that... Yeah... absolutely... absolutely 01:06 So, you wrote this book, 01:07 "Nobody Ever Told Me I Might Not Get Married" 01:10 What inspired that? Well, when I wrote the book 01:14 back in 1991... I was getting ready to turn 30 01:18 and doing that typical mid-life 01:22 assessment of where I am... versus where I thought 01:25 I would be... at 30... and so... 01:28 as I was doing that assessment, and I'm looking at the career 01:32 that I thought I would have... but didn't quite have... 01:36 and the financial stability that I thought I would have... 01:39 that I didn't quite have... because you know, 01:41 when you're like 15... and you'd see 30... 01:44 they're like really old... and mature and settled 01:47 and everybody is married... with the 2.5 kids 01:51 and the fenced-in yard and all that... 01:53 and my life looked nothing like that... 01:56 and I started to think... "Wow, I wasn't prepared for this 02:01 nobody told me that it would look like this 02:03 nobody told me I might not be married. " 02:06 You know, that's such a good point because as you grow up 02:09 it's always... when you get married... 02:11 and when you have this baby, and when you do this and that, 02:15 so... When you're a wife and 02:17 when you're a mother, when you have your own home 02:19 Yes... When... 02:20 When... That's the key word... 02:22 Absolutely... not if... but... when... 02:26 Exactly... so it sets up an expectation right away 02:29 that life is going to go down a certain path... 02:32 it's is going to follow a certain path 02:34 and it's not going to deviate... Right... right... 02:38 and so when you got to that "30 place" 02:41 where was your head at that point... 02:44 where you depressed about being single? 02:45 I wasn't really depressed about I wasn't depressed 02:48 about turning 30... which you hear a lot of people 02:51 kind of go through... especially women... 02:54 and I wasn't depressed about being single... 02:57 but I wanted to be married, I wanted to try... marriage... 03:02 my parents have had a wonderful marriage for almost 48 years, 03:07 and so I wanted to try that, 03:09 I had a yearning... to be married 03:12 it was not an all consuming desire... but I wanted to try it 03:16 and I was not in a relationship at the time... 03:18 I was not dating... at the time... 03:21 socially or seriously... so, I was in my little valley 03:25 of total singleness... and I was wondering... 03:28 you know, by the time you reach 30... you've gone through 03:31 quite a few dates and setups and all of that... 03:34 and nobody had materialized that I felt connected with 03:38 or if I felt connected with him, he didn't feel connected with me 03:41 so, you know, I was in my dry valley and thinking, 03:45 "Will this ever really happen?" I wasn't too sure about it... 03:48 Yeah, you know, when you... okay... so you 03:50 go through High School and then you go through College 03:53 and usually during that College time you meet somebody... 03:56 you hook up... you get married, right after College... 04:00 It's almost an expectation that you will meet somebody 04:04 in College... because... the College I went to... 04:08 was the one place where you're going to have the most 04:11 variety of people who... possibly think like you 04:16 have the same values and goals as you and so the expectation is 04:21 "Oh, you're going there... " and it still exists today... 04:23 "you're going there to find a man or find a husband," 04:26 so, when you see other friends hooking up... then they graduate 04:31 and then they're engaged right away... 04:32 they get married a few months after they graduate... 04:35 that's the way it's supposed to happen... 04:37 Right... right... It did not happen that way 04:39 for me... And even, you know... 04:41 even among some family members tell us about what happened 04:44 with your niece... Well, she was about 7-years-old 04:49 her family had come to visit us where we were living 04:53 and we were in Church... and I had 04:56 three brothers at the time who were married... 04:58 including her dad... and I was not married... 05:00 even a brother... younger than I 05:03 was married at the time... so, we're sitting in Church... 05:06 So, you're the only one not married... 05:07 Well, I'm not married and our youngest brother... 05:10 who was a teenager at that time, was not married... 05:13 but I'm supposed to be married, 05:15 according to... how everything looks... 05:18 so, anyway, we're sitting in Church and, you know, 05:21 her legs are sticking out in front of her... 05:23 because she's too little to touch the floor 05:24 Right... and she's got her legs crossed 05:27 and... just out of the blue... she says... 05:29 "So, Aunt Patti... why aren't you married?" 05:32 and I was in shock... I mean... we weren't discussing 05:37 anything... around that topic... she just matter-of-factly 05:42 asked me the question... and so, I'm trying to remain 05:46 calm... not that I was mad or anything... 05:48 I was just in shock... but I didn't want her to see 05:50 anything outwardly about how her question affected me... 05:54 so, I said, "Well, I haven't found the right person yet... " 05:57 and she says, "Well, what are you looking for?" 06:01 and I'm thinking... "Okay... what do I tell 06:05 a 7-year-old about the complexities of how you meet 06:09 someone to... " you know... so she filled in the gap 06:13 as I was trying to think on my feet... 06:15 and she says, "Oh, I know... you want somebody who's cute 06:19 don't you?" and I said, 06:21 "Well, looks have their place. " you know 06:24 I didn't want to sound shallow... 06:25 that looks were everything, so, 06:28 "Looks have their place, but that's not everything... 06:30 that's not the only thing that a person looks for... " 06:32 "Well, what else... oh, I know you want somebody who's famous 06:36 like Uncle David. " and that's my brother 06:39 who sings in a group who at that time 06:41 was just getting started... and their notoriety was growing 06:44 so, as far as she was concerned, he was famous... 06:46 and I said, you know, I'm thinking, 06:48 "Well, that's not bad," "But, no, it's not really... " 06:52 you know, and so she went through this whole list 06:54 of looks and money and fame and everything that she processed 06:59 would be suitable for a husband... 07:02 and finally... she got exasperated and she says, 07:06 "Well, what are you looking for?" 07:08 and again... I'm stumped... because what do you tell 07:12 a 7-year-old girl about what you're looking for in a man 07:15 but it really got me to thinking about 07:18 what my expectations were... 07:22 were they too high... 07:24 were they too... you know, were they realistic, 07:27 you know, for that "ideal" or "perfect man" 07:29 that everybody wants to find or even with men... 07:32 wanting to look for the "ideal" or "perfect woman" 07:35 and so it kind of got the ball rolling in my head 07:38 about assessing even... what my expectations were... 07:41 in a man... And so, at that point 07:43 did you have like a little list going? 07:48 I don't think I really had a list, per se... 07:51 there were a few things based on what I know about myself 07:56 what I knew about myself then... that I felt... would work 08:01 best for me... Hmmm... hmmm... 08:03 Yes, everybody wants the physical attraction 08:07 but it wasn't so 08:10 it wasn't so detailed or specific... 08:12 that he had to be a certain height... 08:13 or he had to be a certain skin tone 08:15 or he had to have a certain kind of hair or whatever... 08:18 it wasn't like that... really... more... who was going 08:21 to fit best with the character that I have 08:24 and the strength and weaknesses that I have... 08:26 but that was a process too... 08:28 and I was going to say, you know, what... 08:30 and you bring this out in the eBook too... which 08:32 I mean, really... that eBook... you want to just keep reading 08:36 it is so good... That's good, that's good... 08:38 I know... I know... it's so good... it's funny... 08:41 I was laughing out loud in places... 08:44 and yet... you keep bringing people back to the idea that 08:47 God is really your source... and we're going to talk more 08:51 about that... in a bit... Absolutely... 08:52 but one of the things that I realized 08:55 and I know that you did too 08:57 because you brought it out in the book is that 09:00 what you wanted... at 15 or 20 is not what 09:03 you wanted at maybe 18 which is not what you wanted at 30 09:07 Hopefully not... hopefully it's not the same... 09:11 but for me... no, it was not the same... 09:13 and I do talk about my evolution of what I'm looking for, 09:18 you know, starting with my crush on Speed Racer, 09:21 who, if you're in my age range, you know, is a cartoon character 09:26 but he was a very cute cartoon character... 09:29 Was he... He was... and so, you know, 09:32 but on through the typical list of celebrities that you see 09:36 on TV and my Latin phase and, you know, so, you do evolve 09:42 through a fascination of looks and then a fascination of money 09:47 or security, you know, the nice car, the nice clothes, 09:51 that kind of thing but I think 09:54 by the time you hit 30... it's like... 09:56 your list starts to whittle down from all of the surface stuff 10:00 because... there's no one right now... 10:02 Yes... ... you know, and it does 10:04 make you to start to think about what's really 10:07 the top priority... in a mate... 10:09 and so, you got out of College, right... 10:12 Right... ... you're not dating anybody 10:16 No... 20 comes, 22 comes, 10:20 25 comes, Hmmm... hmmm... 10:22 30 comes... and let me say that at that time... in 1991 10:27 the average marrying age for women was 24... 10:31 Hmmm... ... so... I'm at 30... 10:33 Hmmm... ... so the 6 years 10:35 makes a big difference... Yes... 10:37 You know... Yes... yes... 10:38 So tell us some of the things that you would go through 10:42 with friends and well-meaning family and all of that... 10:45 once you've hit that 25-year-mark... 10:50 and you're not married... 10:51 Well, any single person can attest to the setups, okay, 10:55 Okay... I mean, because everyone wants 10:57 you to be married... they feel like they need to help 11:01 find you that person... Okay... 11:03 and so, I remember distinctly one evening... 11:07 and I had family visiting me in Maryland where I was living, 11:11 and one evening, the phone rang, and I pick up the phone 11:14 and you know, "Hello" and this deep voice 11:18 you know, a Barry White-type voice 11:20 or a Whintley Phipps-type voice okay... 11:23 a Whintley Phipps-type voice... - just brings you back to Church 11:27 says, "Hello, may I speak to Patti?" 11:32 and I did not recognize the voice at all... 11:35 nice British accent... you know, and I'm like, 11:38 "This is Patti" and he starts talking and 11:42 like he knows me... and I say, 11:44 "Who is this please?" and he gives me a name... 11:48 I don't know him at all... but he calls my number 11:51 and so... in conversation beginning I say, 11:54 "How... why are you calling me... 11:57 why are you calling me... where did you get my number from?" 12:01 "Oh, I got your number from... " a cousin of mine... 12:06 who was a friend of his... who gave him my number... 12:11 because she thought that we could talk and hit it off 12:16 and I... 12:18 it was a little disconcerting that my number is floating 12:21 around... this was before cell phones and all of that... 12:24 Right... ... you know, that my number is 12:26 floating around because of well-meaning family who, 12:29 "Oh, I have a cousin... who's 30 and 12:33 she's not dating anyone and here, let me give you her number 12:36 give her a call... " ... it was a little weird 12:38 but, he and I actually became very good friends... 12:41 there was no love connection there... but we became very 12:44 good friends and so... that's just one of many... 12:47 I think I flew around the Country many times 12:50 you know, my brother lived in Buffalo and his wife 12:53 saw somebody there... so they brought me to Buffalo 12:56 it didn't even matter that I didn't have any money to go 12:58 "Oh, we'll pay for you... we'll pay for you to come" 13:01 and visit... so you can meet this guy... 13:04 and the last one... another sister-in-law 13:07 calls me up... she was living in Nashville, 13:09 and said, "Patti, stop looking, I've got him, I've found the one 13:13 you can just stop looking... here... this is it... 13:16 you're going to thank me when it's over... " 13:17 and I'm like, "What!" and of course... 13:20 Well, did I end up visiting? I had to visit Nashville... 13:23 and again... no love connection, met a lot of nice guys 13:27 who became good friends... you know, 13:29 but that's just typical for your family and friends 13:34 who want you to get married and then... 13:36 especially if they know that you want to be married... 13:38 and they have to help you out a little bit... 13:40 Yes... yes... yes... so, how did you navigate 13:44 through those years of being alone... 13:48 'cause you have always been a very independent-type person 13:53 a very solid person... you know, you're not... 13:56 you know I love you... not that... 13:58 seriously... not flighty... just very solid... 14:02 how did you... and I know that has to do 14:05 with your upbringing too... how did you navigate that... 14:08 how did you maintain your spirituality 14:12 while you were meeting people, dating... that kind of thing... 14:16 Well, I think the key for me staying solid through that 14:22 period of time... was... keeping my spiritual 14:26 connection with God... being brought up in the Church 14:30 and wanting to maintain that connection... 14:33 not to say that it's been a perfect connection 14:36 and still not... but always striving... 14:40 but my foundation... my core... was always 14:43 my spiritual connection to God, and still wanting to maintain 14:49 a lifestyle that would honor Him and again, you know, 14:54 even with missteps or not that was my desire 14:57 and that was the path that I tried to stay on... 14:59 along with that... is keeping... busy... 15:03 staying involved in things outside of myself... 15:06 Hmmm... I was mentoring a 15:09 Baltimore-city Public School Middle School student 15:12 a young lady for several years, I got involved in adult literacy 15:16 I went to the training and began to teach 15:18 adults how to read... maintained a nice circle 15:22 of friends... most of whom are married... 15:24 but, you know, traveling a lot, I was in Maryland traveling to 15:30 New York... to stay with our grandmother or to see you 15:33 or see other family members, and just, you know, 15:35 just staying busy... I think, the more that single 15:39 women and men... can stay involved in things 15:44 that take your eyes off of you... 15:45 Hmmm... ... and where you are... 15:47 it's easier... Now granted I think 15:49 there are some personalities that deal with singleness 15:53 better than others... Hmmm... hmmm... 15:55 but staying involved and keeping busy 15:57 in causes and things of service 15:59 is really a key to being able to handle being single... 16:06 That's such a great point 16:07 service to others... 16:09 which is a Biblical principle... Absolutely... 16:11 it keeps you from being too narcissistic... right... 16:15 Hmmm... hmmm... ... self-absorbed... 16:16 you know when you're doing something for someone else 16:20 and so, early on, you realized that... that was something 16:23 that you needed to do... it made you feel better... 16:26 I would think... Absolutely... 16:27 when you're not focused on the fact that I don't have a man, 16:30 Hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... 16:32 then you're not allowing yourself to feel 16:35 the emotions that come along with focusing on the fact 16:38 that I don't have a man... Yes... 16:40 not to say that you don't ever have those emotions 16:42 but at least... they come in little waves... 16:46 just like intermittently... but it's not a constant... 16:50 because to me... if you're constantly focused 16:52 on the fact that you're single then, you open yourself up 16:57 to a certain desperate-type of attitude or feeling 17:03 that I think... can emit itself outward to other people... 17:07 Absolutely... ... and then you're also 17:09 clouding your ability to use good judgment 17:11 in who you're dating or seeing, and making decisions about 17:16 because what you're driving is, 17:18 is the despair or the desperation 17:21 or the loneliness... and not the fact that 17:23 I need a mate who is going to be a 17:26 good partner... who will help establish a 17:29 solid home... Hmmm... hmmm... 17:32 ...for both of us... you know, it's a different 17:35 mentality and emotion that drives it 17:38 so I needed to stay busy... And you did... and you traveled 17:42 a lot and you did a lot of great things... 17:46 you got involved in good causes, what would you say 17:49 to women now... and I know that... 17:52 that's what this book is about, this eBook... is about really 17:56 focusing on women who are single... 17:59 who aren't in a relationship, what would you say to them 18:02 Patti, as to how to 18:04 kind of navigate through that... they want someone... 18:09 but they just don't have anybody 18:11 would you recommend online dating services, 18:14 would you... how would you recommend 18:17 that they proceed, 18:18 Well, here's the thing... I don't necessarily want to 18:21 recommend... the book is using my story 18:24 and what I did to have a content, joyful, single life... 18:32 Hmmm... ... and hopefully as they 18:35 read it... they can get some ideas, 18:38 try things they think would work for them... 18:40 or things they haven't thought of before... 18:42 because I don't consider myself an "expert" at telling you 18:46 what to do... but I feel that because I was single 18:51 and I have to say, I did get married, 18:53 And we're going to talk about that too... 18:55 ...but at the time when I wrote the book 18:58 that was nowhere on the horizon... 19:00 Hmmm... hmmm... You know, I couldn't... 19:02 I didn't see the future and know that 19:04 that was in my future, and so, what I would say is, 19:08 my burden for writing the book is... I want single women 19:14 and men... but mostly talking to single women 19:17 and specifically to "never married women" 19:20 that there is contentment, and joy 19:24 in your life as it is... right now... whatever the hope is 19:29 I'm not saying that you should not remain hopeful... 19:32 Hmmm... hmmm... ... but I don't think 19:33 the hope should drive the decisions that you make 19:36 for yourself right now... I did not want the hope 19:39 to drive the decisions I made in dating... 19:42 or in my personal life... you know, I have, 19:46 former students now, since I've been teaching 19:49 at Oakwood University for 16 years... 19:51 and a former student... called up... 19:53 and, sometimes, you know, they do that... and chat 19:55 and tell me what's going on and she was considering buying 19:59 a house... and some advice that she was 20:02 getting from very close people was, 20:05 "Don't do that... don't buy a house... 20:08 I mean... if you buy a house, 20:10 what man is going to think 20:12 that he can give you anything, if you have everything 20:15 for yourself, then what's he going to be able to do?" 20:19 Hmmm... ... and that's a very real line 20:22 of thinking that people have, but my feeling or position 20:27 was a little different... because, my thing is, 20:30 if it's financially viable, if it's a good investment 20:34 for you to do that, do it... 20:36 Hmmm... hmmm... ... because you can't... 20:38 put anything on hold 20:40 in the hopes that... 20:42 this mate is going to come along... 20:44 That's right... ... and I don't ascribe to that 20:47 line of thinking at all... 20:49 I feel... as long as you're praying and making steps 20:52 that the Lord says you should make, 20:55 buy that house... you know, and if the guy comes 20:58 along or if the mate comes along... then you talk about 21:02 what you do with that house... you know, 21:04 Yeah... ... cross that bridge 21:05 when you get to it... but don't make decisions 21:08 with this thought of... getting a man... 21:10 Right... ... you know, live your life 21:12 ...live your life... Live your life... 21:15 ...live your life to the fullest extent... 21:17 Yes, yes, yes, so, when and how did you meet Al? 21:23 Funny... I met Al through a setup... 21:30 a setup that worked... Finally, thank you Lord... 21:36 so through mutual friends... actually, I had finished 21:41 the book... it was about a year... 21:42 after I had finished the book, the manuscript... I should say, 21:46 that we met... and in another year, 21:50 before we were married, so two years after finishing 21:54 the manuscript... I was married... and... 21:56 will have been married 20 years... October the 3rd 21:59 Praise the Lord... and to a wonderful man... I must say... 22:03 Absolutely wonderful... He just fits right into 22:05 the family... ... he does... he does... and 22:07 all the qualities that I wanted 22:09 but I had to have an open mind 22:11 when I met him... for the first time... 22:13 and I'm not going to say too much about that 22:15 because that's book two... Oh... I think you're trying 22:19 to get another interview... Awesome, awesome... 22:23 Now, what are you doing now as far as the eBook 22:28 is concerned... how can people get it... 22:29 because it's... at the end... 22:32 I have to tell the viewers, at the end of each chapter 22:35 there's a question, for you to ponder... 22:37 I love this eBook... and you know, I wouldn't... 22:40 honestly Patti, you know me... I wouldn't even say that... 22:42 No, I believe you... you tell me... 22:43 you know, you give me the correct criticism... 22:46 I would... I would... I would not say that 22:48 it if weren't good... it is really good... 22:49 Thank you... And it has such value... 22:51 spiritually... because I think you let the reader know 22:56 that staying in touch with God is key... 23:00 It's key... Tell us why... 23:02 It's key because God is there through the whole process 23:08 Hmmm... hmmm... ... and when you're in those 23:11 down times... when you are depressed... 23:14 and you're tired of coming home to just the house, 23:17 and your TV, or your music, 23:23 your MP3 or your... you know, whatever you use, 23:26 when you've had a hard day, 23:28 and all you would like 23:30 is to just have somebody there to rub your feet 23:33 or cuddle you up and give you his or her strength 23:37 that's hard, but God is there... and even though, in those times, 23:44 when I felt that way, and I didn't want to hear about God 23:47 "Yeah, I know He's there, He's always there, 23:49 but I don't want to hear that right now... 23:51 you know, I want to cuddle, 23:53 I want a human being, I want a body right there... " 23:57 you know, and I would go through those moments 24:00 because that's natural, Right... 24:01 ...but after I would have my pity party... 24:04 and listen to all the love songs in the dark 24:06 and I'd have my tissue and my ice cream 24:09 and, you know, have your pity party for a while... 24:13 a day or so... then I could climb out of it 24:15 and go, "You know what... God is there... " 24:18 and I read my scriptures that are, you know, 24:22 soothing to me... and Psalms and Proverbs 24:25 and the promises of Him always being there and 24:30 and that would make me feel better 24:32 and give me the renewed energy 24:34 to pick myself up out of that little hole, 24:37 and get to moving again, you know, and so, that's just... 24:42 so Church, for me, was important and staying connected 24:46 with friends in the Church and staying connected with my family 24:50 and just keeping all the connections 24:54 that help you become who you are and maintain yourself... 24:58 it's very important... It is... so that you don't 25:01 become isolated... Right... 25:02 because it's very easy to isolate 25:04 very easy... and you don't want to be... 25:07 if you want to be married, you got to keep yourself out there 25:10 You don't need to isolate... ... you can't be a hermit 25:13 in your house and think that you're really going to find 25:16 somebody... that doesn't work well... 25:17 It doesn't work well... So, how can we get your eBook? 25:21 You can get it on any site that sells eBooks 25:26 such as Barnes and Noble's Nook, Amazon's Kindle, iBooks, Sony, 25:32 Script, COPIA, Kobo, I'm trying to think of 25:38 some others... I think it's Baker and Taylor... 25:41 so the main ones that everybody knows... Amazon... 25:44 Barnes and Noble Nook... if you have the Nook App, 25:47 if you have the Kindle App, or iBooks... 25:49 if you have an iPhone or iPad... Awesome... I'm so glad 25:53 you wrote this book... Thank you... 25:54 it is really, really a blessing. Thank you... and I hope that it 25:58 really ministers to anybody who buys it... to read it... 26:02 What are you looking to achieve with it? 26:03 I want to start a dialogue really... about... 26:07 first of all... should we be setting up an expectation 26:11 that everybody is going to get married? 26:13 Hmmm... Because current statistics are 26:15 showing that its... August 2013 article in USA Today 26:22 said, "One in four households are single... " 26:24 One in four... 26:26 One in four households are single... 26:27 that's since 1970 that single households have 26:31 more than doubled to over 30 million... 26:33 you know, other statistics say that 40 percent of all women 26:37 have never married... so... 26:39 And in the African-American Community... 26:41 ...it's even higher... It's even higher... 26:42 ...it's even higher... Yeah... 26:44 ...and not that... people need to get stuck 26:46 in the statistics and go, "Oh, I have no chance, 26:49 because 55 percent of African American women are... " 26:51 It's easier to be struck by lightening... 26:53 Yeah, you know, it's not about that... 26:54 it's just about being aware of what reality is... 26:57 Right... ... and the fact that people 26:59 may be getting married later, but in the interim... you know, 27:03 let's learn how to process where we are... 27:07 so that we can get contented and joyful right now. 27:11 Yes, in whatever situation we're in... 27:15 And doesn't Paul say that? Yes... 27:17 However I am... I need to be content... 27:19 Exactly... Absolutely... 27:21 Thank you so much... You're welcome... 27:22 Patti, I love you... Thank you for having me on, 27:25 I'm so glad you're here... Well, in the NIV... 27:28 New International Version, Psalm 68:6 it says that, 27:32 "The Lord puts the lonely in families... " 27:35 So, if you're lonely... go to God... 27:37 talk to Him... get involved in service for others 27:40 and trust that your best life can be found in Him... 27:43 God's got a plan for you, and if it's meant to be 27:47 He's got that someone for you and if not... 27:50 He will be your everything. Well, once again... 27:53 it's time to go... Thanks so much for tuning in. 27:55 Join us next time... because you know what... 27:58 it just wouldn't be the same without you... |
Revised 2025-01-29