Participants: Yvonne Lewis (Host), Dr. John Jacob
Series Code: UBR
Program Code: UBR000098A
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00:01 Have you met the man that we at Dare to Dream call the
00:02 Love Doctor? 00:04 Well, stay tuned to hear what he's been doing on 00:06 the Road 2 Romance. 00:07 My name is Yvonne Lewis and you are watching Urban Report. 00:33 Hello and welcome to Urban Report. 00:35 My guest today is Dr. John Jacob, 00:38 founding director of the Jacob Institute. 00:41 President of XY matchquest.com, author of the XY Theory, 00:47 and last but not least, host of Dare to Dream's program 00:51 Road 2 Romance. 00:52 Yeahhh! Dr. Jacob, it is so good to have you here. 00:57 Thank you for having me. 00:58 You were here before. Yes. And we about the XY theory 01:03 and I am telling you, our viewers and even our crew 01:07 were so impressed with the information that you gave 01:09 that we decided by the grace of God to do a program 01:13 called The Road 2 Romance. 01:16 And I am so excited about it because I really think that it's 01:20 going to be a blessing to our viewers. 01:22 So let's kind of go back a little bit and talk about 01:25 the XY theory because I think that will kind of lay the 01:29 foundation for what the Road 2 Romance is all about. 01:33 Sure. Tell us, what is the XY theory? 01:36 Well a few years ago, folks were complaining about having 01:41 different experiences when they are dating. 01:43 Having someone present a certain side of themselves 01:46 that was very positive. 01:48 And then they would get into the relationship and find 01:50 that they were with someone totally different. 01:52 Stranger even. Like who is this person? 01:55 And so I did some research, about 5 years' worth of research 01:58 and actually found that we have a separate personality, 02:03 a relationship personality that only emerges 02:05 when we get inside of the relationship. 02:08 So, this is so interesting to me because 02:12 in my own personal life in the past, I have seen that happen. 02:16 You are dating someone and they present one thing 02:21 and then you marry them and they present another 02:22 totally different personality, so you are telling us 02:25 that there is a way to discover this relationship personality 02:30 before...Exactly. you get married. Yes. 02:33 Tell us about the XY theory. 02:35 So before you actually get married, the person is using 02:39 what we call a social personality. 02:42 And they are not being malicious, they are not faking, 02:45 they are not really pretending, they actually have a host of 02:48 hormones that enable them to present a certain side to you 02:52 that makes them look very attractive. 02:54 Wow, so now we're talking about a chemical aspect, 02:59 a biological aspect to this relationship personality. 03:03 Tell us a little bit more about that. 03:05 So we date using the social personality, 03:08 as a matter of fact we do everything with the 03:10 social personality. It's the reason why we are able to go to 03:12 work and keep our jobs. 03:13 If the boss upsets us, we don't let him know because 03:16 we are operating under the social personality which 03:18 always does what is in our best interest. 03:20 Hah! That is so interesting. 03:23 It always does what is in our best interest. 03:27 Yes. Verses when you get into a relationship and a new 03:33 personality emerges. Right. 03:35 It's very goal oriented so if the goal is to meet you, 03:39 hopefully to court you and to marry you. 03:43 Well the social personality will make this happen. 03:45 Represent you in any light that is necessary to have this 03:49 fall for you and fall in love with you. Wow. 03:53 But the problem is, those hormones have a half-life, 03:56 they don't stay around forever. 03:58 After a little while your body gets used to them 04:00 and they disappear. 04:02 So you've heard the cliché, Love is blind, 04:03 now we know that love is really blind because there is a hormone 04:06 that actually blinds you to the faults of the person 04:08 that you are dating. Wow! 04:11 So that's why they say love is blind. Yes! 04:14 That's why you don't see who it is you are really with until 04:19 later because those hormones are now not functioning 04:22 like they were before. Exactly. 04:23 So people can find themselves in the beginning parts of a 04:29 relationship and they are maybe other people will see, 04:33 that guy is not for you, what are you doing with him? 04:36 But you don't see it. Or that girl is not the one for you, 04:40 but you are so blind because she is cute or whatever. Right. 04:42 Right. You don't see it. Right. So you are telling us that these 04:45 hormones then, they're active... Yes. At the beginning part 04:49 of the relationship and then after a while, 04:51 they just kind of die out. They die out like any other 04:54 chemical in the body, your body gets used to it 04:57 and once it gets used to it, it's ineffective 04:59 Well the social personality of course hopes that by that time 05:03 you're married. (Laughing) 05:07 If it's too late and so it's done its part, 05:11 it could go away with it's hormones and you are now in a 05:15 relationship with someone who can be a virtual stranger to 05:19 you. Wow. Is all of this operating on a sub or pre-conscious level? 05:24 Totally pre-conscious. Because the parties involved 05:27 aren't aware of it. 05:28 Now there are some folks that use a social personality 05:33 and they are a little aware that they are not presenting 05:35 the total truth. But the real truth is, to some degree 05:39 they are being pushed by their hormones to act in a certain 05:44 way, to achieve a certain goal. 05:46 And once that goal is achieved, they're either married 05:51 or they are very committed to the relationship 05:54 or someone has fallen in love and now no longer wants to 05:58 consider the possibility of walking away 06:01 even after discovering that this is not who I met 06:03 six months ago. 06:05 Wow! See, this is so important because this information, 06:10 when you can find out the relational personality, 06:15 you can find out who it is you are really with. 06:18 Right. And can you really deal with that person 06:21 on a long term basis. Exactly. 06:22 Yes. And that's what your XY theory does? 06:25 This is what XY theory is all about, 06:26 so I took about five years to develop a test 06:29 because I wanted folks to test someone before they even wasted 06:33 the six months of getting to know you, or the two years of 06:37 I'm using my hormones to fool you. 06:41 Before all of that, if you were able to give this person 06:45 a test, a test that would jump over all of this, 06:50 what some people call the honeymoon period. 06:52 You know, when you are still euphoric because you just met 06:55 and it jumps all over that and it will actually measure how 06:58 you will be when those hormones have disappeared. 07:00 Wow! This is gr...This is such...This is cutting edge 07:06 right here. Yes. It's cutting edge because you can cut 07:09 through all that other superfluous stuff 07:12 and find out who this person really is. 07:15 And you don't have to meet them, you don't have to go 07:18 on that first date or the blind date. 07:20 In fact I tell people, if you are dating on the internet, 07:23 never go on an internet date, or even start an internet 07:27 relationship without having this person take the test 07:29 because it's very simple, it takes 10 minutes, 07:31 and you will find that no matter what this person is saying to 07:33 you, you would find out what the intentions surely are 07:36 down the road, or what they are capable of doing 07:38 in a relationship. 07:39 Wow! See, can't you just see people like you know... 07:44 meeting somebody and bring a copy of the test to the first 07:47 date or something...and saying would you just take this test 07:50 for me? Just to find out just what's going on? 07:53 Well, they won't have to even bring that test 07:55 because right now we are working on an app. 07:57 Come on now...It's going to be on your phone in about 08:01 a few months and that app will allow you to... 08:05 as a matter of fact you don't even have to do much, 08:07 you can put you phone on the desk right here. 08:09 If you had your phone, you can put it right next there. 08:11 The phones will communicate and in seconds they will actually 08:15 vibrate and tell you whether you two are a match. 08:17 Oh you know what, this is too scientific for me, 08:21 this is too techno-savvy for me. Wow! 08:27 That is incredible. They are using technology for 08:29 everything else. Yes. So why not use it for dating 08:31 and save us the middle man. Take the middle man out of it, 08:34 save us the trouble of having to play Russian Roulette 08:38 because that is what we are doing? Right. 08:39 Our studies show that we have a one in four chance of finding 08:42 someone who is a perfect match. One in four. 08:44 Just a 25% chance. So there is a 75% chance 08:48 that won't. That you won't. 08:49 And low and behold when we test couples, 08:51 what we call XY couples, which simply means 08:54 one person has an X type personality 08:56 and the other has a Y type personality. 08:58 Um, just some examples, X types for instance need a lot of 09:03 communication to keep the relationship going 09:05 and Y types do not. 09:08 Y types on the other hand need space and solitude, 09:12 they process problems in a different way. 09:14 Everything about X's and Y's are very different. 09:16 X's tend to want to resolve a problem as soon as it occurs 09:21 and they want to get into detail and they want to discuss 09:23 and they want to process. 09:25 The Y types prefer to process on their own, 09:27 and then bring the solutions to you. 09:30 Umm! So if you are with some- one, you are an X type 09:34 and you want to, let's just work this out, 09:37 let's just figure out what is going on, 09:38 and they are a Y type and they want to sit and think it through 09:42 first...Conflict! Yes! 09:44 Huge conflict because you are thinking as an X type, 09:47 well, you don't really love me, you don't care about this 09:50 relationship or you would try to resolve our problems. 09:52 ...yourself, no problems. Umm, um hum. 09:54 Well, he or she is resolving the problem but in a completely 09:58 different way that is foreign to you and objectionable. 10:01 Right. Right. So the app will even actually 10:05 tell you whether or not this person has that style 10:07 of conflict resolution. Wow! 10:10 This is awesome. This is incredible, 10:14 and this is all coming out of the Jacob Research Institute? 10:17 It's coming out of the Jacob Research Institute 10:19 and in a matter of months. It is in production right now. 10:20 Yes. It's being developed right now. 10:21 That is such a blessing. 10:23 Yes. So tell us a little bit more if you would 10:25 about X's and Y's, and XY's, and those different types. 10:30 Yes. About 75 to 85% of couples that we have tested 10:34 and we have tested somewhere now in the vicinity of 1,000. 10:36 Seventy five to eighty five percent of them are what we call 10:40 XY relationships, which simply means again that one person 10:45 really needs communication to feel close, to feel bonded 10:50 and the other person actually does not. 10:53 The other person values independence and prefer that you 10:57 would allow him or her a little bit of space, 11:00 but here's the thing that we didn't know. 11:02 While I was doing all of this research, other scientists 11:05 were doing similar research, but not toward relationships, 11:09 they were applying it in different social psychology 11:12 areas. And what they found is the communication 11:16 and the intimacy that I found that couples actually needed... 11:19 they found that those very two things produce what we call 11:22 Oxytocin, it's a bonding hormone. 11:25 And when they checked every other mammal that is monogamous, 11:30 you know, one male, one female, every single one of them 11:33 had high levels of oxytocin. 11:35 Wow, look at that. You know what, when I hear 11:41 things like this, it's so reinforces my just awe of God. 11:47 Yes. Because God created this oxytocin for one man and 11:52 one woman to bond and to be monogamous. 11:57 Absolutely. That's tremendous. 11:59 So all the mammals that are monogamous have oxytocin. 12:04 And ones that do not, do not. Is that amazing? 12:08 And but now there is a cautionary...here. 12:11 So God did create Adam & Eve to be monogamous 12:14 and to help them, He gave them oxytocin 12:17 because oxytocin makes it really easy, makes it effortless. 12:19 But here's the thing, Adam & Eve were intended to live forever 12:23 so imagine the strength of the potency of that hormone 12:27 God had put inside of them to enable them to stay together 12:31 forever. 12:32 Ummm. Um hum. So after the fall, 12:36 the hormone wasn't withdrawn, we still have it, 12:39 but we find ourselves forming bonds with folks who don't have 12:44 the oxytocin that we have, but we have oxytocin that 12:46 has the power of crazy glue. 12:48 Wow. Now when you say we, what do you mean? 12:52 Any of us that are X types. Ok. Any of us, I mean anyone 12:56 that's an X type, they have high levels of oxytocin naturally 13:00 produced in their body that would allow them when they 13:02 meet someone to bond like super glue. 13:06 So X types have higher levels of oxytocin than Y types. 13:11 Yes, than Y types. And they bond differently. 13:13 So then they absolutely need communication and intimacy. 13:16 There was a time that we felt... Ok, if you met someone 13:19 and they said, you know, I don't really enjoy holding hands 13:21 and you just though, well this is who he is, this is his 13:24 personality, his disposition, whatever...and then someone else 13:27 might say, I'm just a quiet, a strong quiet type 13:30 I don't talk much. And so you talk too much for me, 13:34 in fact, I had a call just yesterday from a friend 13:36 who was dating a guy and the guy said you know, 13:39 you talk an awful lot. Whoa. 13:42 So she was slightly offended and I had to explain to her, 13:45 I said do you understand this comment is coming from 13:49 his physiology? It's not coming from meanness, 13:53 it's coming from the fact that he doesn't need as much 13:56 communication as you need and you need what you need because 13:59 it's producing hormones that bond you to him. 14:03 Is this not a red flag for her though? 14:07 Because if she needs to talk and he needs for her to shut up, 14:13 I mean Bam, you have a real source of conflict here 14:18 because that's her nature and his nature is kind of repulsed 14:22 by all the talking. Yes. So isn't that an instant red flag? 14:27 It is, but she likes him a lot. So I'm kind of supporting her 14:31 and giving her tips and techniques how to make 14:35 adjustments. So far she hasn't been making many 14:38 of the adjustments I've been suggesting, but there are 14:41 adjustments that she needs to make...Actually they both do. 14:45 Such as. Oh, very simply. Um, what actually happened 14:50 with them is he said, you talk an awful lot. 14:53 So she got a little offended and he loves her so he noticed 14:56 that, you know, maybe I shouldn't have gone there. 14:59 So now he flipped it and he says...um, when she showed... 15:04 ...so she shortens everything. 15:06 She summarizes everything, she doesn't elaborate 15:08 on anything. She, coming home from her day, 15:11 she would like to talk about her co-workers and talk about 15:14 what happened to Mary and what happened to Joe 15:16 and he's completely uninterested because Y types are not. 15:19 Their communication is functional, 15:21 it has to be functional, it has to serve some sort of an 15:28 interest, so it is not wise, don't talk. 15:31 But they have very narrow self interest...topics that they like 15:35 to talk about, their little pet topics. 15:37 So are they a little bit narcissistic? 15:40 Well, straw tale. I guess I shouldn't say that because... 15:44 Since it's a clinical trial, I don't want to say so 15:47 but they...in the book XY Theory, they actually have a 15:53 chapter where I compared Y types to some of the 15:57 characteristics with some of the people with Asperger's. 15:59 Umm. And because some of it is similar, you know 16:04 if you have autism spectrum, you have a communication disorder, 16:11 you are not very touchy feely, and also you have a rigidity 16:15 with routines. Umm. Most of them like to focus on a few 16:20 narrow things that they will obsess about. 16:22 So I made a comparison that...I am not saying that they have 16:26 Asperger's...Right. But as a comparison. 16:28 Lo and behold, someone did a study in the UK 16:32 and found that there is a comparison between folks with 16:39 autism or Asperger's and what I am describing as Y type 16:43 personality behavior and that can be discovered in the womb. 16:49 Wow. So now we can use science to actually say whether someone 16:57 has a tendency more towards X type or Y type. 17:00 From the time they are born. Amazing. You can test them 17:03 from the time...because it doesn't change. 17:05 This is genetic, it's physiological, it's who they 17:09 are. Now this isn't bad news for couples, if folks already 17:13 married as I said there, the adjustments that can be made 17:16 like my friend that I was telling you about. 17:17 She has to shorten her conversation. That's ok. 17:21 And she has to make them more functional. 17:23 Now, they're in love, right, this couple is in love? Yes. 17:26 Ok. Which is why I continue to support them. 17:28 If they weren't, or one was trifling I would say you know 17:32 you guys just need to go your separate ways. 17:33 But they're really in love and he's really trying, 17:36 so since he is trying and she says now don't shorten 17:39 your story, tell me more. 17:41 But I had to explain to her that she has to interpret 17:46 what he needs and not what he says. 17:49 Because he is saying what he needs to say to keep her. 17:54 Remember social personality. Right. 17:57 But she having tested him, she knows what he needs and what 18:01 he needs is none of that elaboration. 18:04 So even though he says, tell me more, keep it brief. 18:09 Yes. Oh, okay. This is what is wonderful about XY theory, 18:12 XY theory will tell you what your husband is thinking. 18:14 Umm. You will know what he really feels, not what he says. 18:18 Sixty six percent of men get a surprise in divorce. 18:24 I don't know if before notice, but divorce filings, 18:28 66% of the time they are filed by the woman. 18:31 Sixty six percent. Not the man. It's a myth that man go out 18:35 there and find themselves models and I want to trade up. 18:38 No, no, no. Sixty six percent of the time both in the UK 18:41 and in the US, 66% of the time is the female, 18:44 and more than half the time the man is blindsided. 18:47 He has no idea. So the man is unaware of the woman's, 18:51 the depth or the breath of her misery in the relationship? 18:55 Yes, because, remember, most of the men are Y types. 18:58 Ok. Still about 75%. So he is unaware of what she needs 19:04 to bond and only now, only in the 21st century is science 19:10 showing us that it is not optional, 19:13 it's actually physiological and absolutely necessary 19:19 for bonding. Wow. So men have to make more of an effort 19:24 to provide for the needs of their wives, 19:26 and the needs are many, they're at least fifteen of them. 19:31 So there's a whole list of them in the book, 19:32 but you have to find out which... Because like anything 19:35 else, nobody has 100%. Right. So unless they are 15, 19:38 maybe you have ten things that you need. 19:39 But I have to find out what you need because if I am 19:42 providing what you don't need, I am still not getting any 19:45 bonding off of it. 19:47 That's right, that's right. You know. 19:48 So we're speaking different love languages so to speak. 19:50 Exactly, exactly. Except they own five, they are more like 19:53 fifteen. Right. Which there are only five. 19:56 Right. But there are fifteen to worry about 19:58 and fifteen on both sides. 20:00 X's have 15 things that they need, Y's have 15 things 20:03 that they need, so that's like 30 things that you have to be 20:05 concerned about. But you don't really have to worry about it 20:07 because the test can do that for you. 20:09 Hmmm. It will tell you exactly what you need to step up 20:11 and what you need to tone down. 20:13 Kind of like a fine tuned machine, fine-tuned instrument. 20:17 For your particular relationship. Exactly. 20:20 Because one size does not fit all. 20:22 No it doesn't and that's why we created the app. 20:24 because folks were beginning to say well let me just take 20:26 the test. Well you could take the test but how do you compare 20:30 relative to this new boyfriend you have or this other person? 20:33 So every single time you meet someone, you've got to do the 20:38 phone tap thing. You've got to tap those phones and see 20:41 what is says about this particular match up, 20:43 not the one you had before. Right. 20:45 Right, but this combination. This combination... 20:47 Every time you change partners, you have a new dynamic 20:53 where the personalities are interacting in different ways 20:57 and you need to be able to figure that out, or at least 21:00 roll it over to something that can, you know. Right, right, 21:03 right. Right. But yes, the guesswork is going to be taken 21:08 out. I am absolutely certain it is going to be taken out of 21:10 relationships. If we have bad relationships from here on, 21:14 for those of us who are not married, it's simply because 21:17 we chose...We chose to choose for ourselves. Right. 21:20 Right. Right. Without the tools. Without the tools. 21:23 Because you are offering... See, that's why we call it 21:25 The Love Doctor. (Laughing) That's why you are a Love Doctor 21:29 and the host of our new program, Road 2 Romance. 21:33 Tell us a bit about how that program is structured. 21:36 Well, it's a coaching program. So we try to have three groups 21:43 on the show, on the program. We have singles, because singles 21:47 are biggest strugglers. I mean they are the ones that 21:50 have the six to one ratio in most of our churches 21:52 and they are suffering. 21:54 And so a lot of them can do some things to improve their 21:57 situation. So we have them on the program and we teach them 22:01 techniques. And then we have of course couples who are 22:03 already in it but need to be taught how to adjust 22:07 because they haven't heard before about the whole XY thing. 22:10 So simple adjustments can really fix those marriages. 22:14 And then the pre-engaged couples, 22:15 because we are finding out that couples who know what 22:18 they are getting into before they say I do, 22:21 have a 90% chance of staying together, as opposed to the 50% 22:25 chance that the world now offers. 22:26 Yeah. Look at...Look at how this could really benefit 22:31 our communities. because as you know, in our communities 22:34 we have the erosion of the family. 22:36 If we can do something, which is what the Road 2 Romance 22:39 is doing to buttress those relationships, 22:42 then we can by the grace of God make a difference. 22:45 And we are using science and technology to do that, 22:50 and the Bible of course. Of course. And that is tremendous 22:53 and on the Road 2 Romance we also have that spiritual 22:56 component which kind of ties it all together from the spiritual 23:00 perspective, so that is a blessing. 23:02 Tell us, do you need more people for the Road 2 Romance? 23:07 We do, because folks...um, when they come on the program, 23:11 it's free coaching. It would probably be $2,500 or so 23:14 if you were to do it yourself, but we need more participants. 23:18 We need more applicants. I think folks are afraid of the process 23:23 and there is nothing to be afraid of the process when, 23:26 when they see the process and they see how it works, 23:28 they will realize that it's changing lives, 23:31 it's changing marriages, and you are not coming on the show, 23:35 on the program to actually divulge personal information. 23:39 Right. No, that is not how it is at all, it's finding out 23:42 what your personality type is and you and your partner 23:45 finding out what you need to provide for each other 23:48 to sustain a life time of marriage. 23:51 And I think that is such a good point because I think people 23:54 will need to understand, this is not where this is a tell all. 23:58 Oh no, no, no. Where you telling all your personal business. 24:00 No, this is something that can give you the tools to have 24:04 a marriage that really works to beat those percentages, 24:09 those odds so to speak, of the failed relationships. Yeah. 24:13 So you are just giving tools and people are allowing 24:16 other people who have similar dynamics in their relationships 24:20 to see, this is how it works. 24:22 So if they would contact you at your website...Yes. 24:28 It's the jacobresearchinstitute.net 24:31 and it's very well optimized. As soon as you put ja 24:34 into Google, it comes up. So yes, and they can go on there 24:38 and they see where they can apply to be on the program. 24:41 That's awesome, because we need some people. We need more 24:45 applicants. We do. We do. For people to see how this works 24:49 and to help them in their relationship. 24:52 Yes. And others around the world so this would be tremendous. 24:57 Tell us what you are doing with your seminars, 24:59 I know that you go around the country and do seminars. 25:03 Yes, we've been going to mostly churches at the moment, 25:06 but sometimes we get invited to conferences. 25:09 And it has been very very exciting because it's received 25:13 well and folks are in awe and they are really surprised 25:17 because they didn't know how predetermined our compatibility 25:23 might be. So when they find out, they are very enthralled. 25:27 Um, but what has happened lately is I've had ministers who've 25:31 been asking, do you have any curriculum for ministers 25:34 so we can help our congregations? 25:36 So they can kind of do what we're doing here on 25:38 Road 2 Romance as well. So myself and a few of my 25:42 clinical friends...we have created a training program 25:45 starting this this, this year. 25:48 And we are going to various cities and training folks 25:53 to become...training both therapists, coaches, 25:57 just lay people, ministers, anyone who is interested 26:00 to become a coach. 26:02 Because what has been happening is when I do my seminars, 26:04 I live in California, so as soon as I get back to California 26:06 my phone is ringing off the hook. 26:08 This happened recently, and there were like two dozen 26:13 people, can we start a session with you right away? 26:16 Well now I'm three thousand miles away. Right. Right. 26:19 And they want something in person and we can do it by 26:22 Skype, so those who like Skype you know that works for them, 26:25 but it doesn't work for everyone. 26:26 So we came up with the idea then that we need to have 26:30 in each of our churches and in each of our cities, 26:32 we need to have XY coaches and XY therapists, XY trained 26:37 therapists so that when I am not there, they can still keep 26:40 the work going because our goal is to save marriages 26:42 and save relationships. 26:44 What a tremendous thing to do. 26:46 I mean really, when you think about it, 26:48 that is just an incredible thing to do. 26:50 So now, your efforts are replicated around the world 26:55 really, because this program is going to be shown everywhere, 26:57 by the grace of God, so your efforts can be replicated 27:01 around the world and marriages can be saved, 27:04 and relationships can be saved. That is...Thank you for making 27:08 this possible... 27:10 Oh, well we just praise the Lord. 27:11 We praise the Lord that God has given us the opportunity 27:14 to offer this platform to help relationships, 27:17 that's what we do at Dare2Dream, we want to make a difference 27:21 and we see that you have made a difference. 27:23 Thank you so much for being with us. 27:25 Continue...Thank you! working for God... 27:28 because this is ultimately going to benefit the world 27:31 and so we thank you so much. 27:33 Well, that's the end of our program for today. 27:36 You know, we found that relationships are just 27:40 so fragile and yet we've got some tools now that can make a 27:45 difference. Dr. Jacob is really working in the vineyard 27:49 to make a difference and to let people know that your 27:54 relationship can be saved with a little tweaking 27:57 and some changes that can be made and some tips... 28:00 it can be saved. 28:02 So, thanks for tuning in, join us next time 28:05 it just wouldn't be the same without you. |
Revised 2025-03-22