Participants: Yvonne Lewis (Host), Alma G. Davis
Series Code: UBR
Program Code: UBR000125A
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00:01 One in every 3 women that you encounter has been abused.
00:04 Stay tuned to meet a woman who is determined 00:07 to make a difference for survivors of domestic violence. 00:10 My name is Yvonne Lewis and you're watching 00:12 Urban Report... 00:36 Hello and welcome to Urban Report. 00:39 My guest today is Alma G. Davis, 00:41 CEO and Founder of the Alma G. Davis Foundation. 00:45 She is a visionary and a motivational speaker 00:49 her mission is to educate, empower and celebrate. 00:52 Welcome to Urban Report Alma. 00:55 Thank you, thank you for having me Dr. Lewis, yeah. 00:58 I am so glad... call me Yvonne. 01:00 Yvonne. I am so glad that you are here 01:04 with us to share this important topic 01:07 this topic is so critical 01:10 tell us a little bit more before we get into your story 01:14 about domestic violence in general 01:17 how prevalent is it 01:19 does it transcend cultures, tell us about it. 01:23 Domestic violence is very prevalent 01:26 more so than we even acknowledge 01:27 and note... more so... we talk about 01:30 Every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted 01:33 or beaten in the United States every 9 seconds 01:35 so, if you start looking at numbers 01:38 it is estimated that 1.3 million women 01:41 are victims every year so, it's so... and again 01:45 95 percent of the cases are never reported 01:49 so that's just based off the numbers 01:51 that are reported so if we really got into statistics 01:54 how high would those numbers really be? 01:57 One out of every two? 01:58 You know, so, it's a tremendous problem here. 02:02 That, you know... 02:03 one of the things that I've noticed Alma is 02:07 this objectification of women 02:12 in the music and the media Hmmm... 02:14 and making it seem like it's okay to "slap your woman" 02:19 "it's okay to keep her in her place" 02:21 I mean, we really we really need to look at 02:24 what we're watching, 02:26 what we're letting our children watch. 02:28 Yes, absolutely... 02:30 and I think the more we do 02:32 the kind of work we do in educating our young girls 02:35 and our women of their value and their self-worth 02:38 then things may begin to change 02:41 but again, it goes back to what are we exposing our kids to 02:44 what are our women 02:45 agreeing to, what are you agreeing 02:47 saying that somehow someone can talk to you? 02:51 Oh! listen, I remember seeing a scene where 02:55 a famous rapper had women on dog leashes 03:00 walking them around with dog leashes. 03:05 Wow! Now, first of all, 03:07 how do you let... there's no amount of money 03:10 that anybody can pay me to be one of those women 03:12 I'm not judging them, 03:14 that was where they were at that given time, 03:16 doesn't mean they're there today 03:18 but the fact that... we have to look at... 03:22 how do we look at ourselves, what do we think about ourselves 03:25 and what does God... 03:27 what value does God place upon us? 03:29 Absolutely. Because He gives us value. 03:32 Yes, yes. So, I'm loving what you're doing 03:35 Thank you. 03:36 Tell us about the Alma G. Davis Foundation, what is it? 03:40 The Foundation is based off of the notion 03:44 the premise of educating, empowering and celebrating women 03:47 and young girls that are survivors 03:48 that have either seen it there, survivors themselves 03:52 a lot of people don't understand 03:53 that if you grow up in that type of household, 03:55 you are a survivor as well 03:57 because you have witnessed it 03:59 and you begin the process of either 04:01 completing that cycle continuously, 04:04 making the cycle the same thing or you have to stop it, 04:07 so, it's actually number one, warning and teaching, 04:10 again, our values and our women, on who you are, 04:13 who you are to God, 04:15 and then once we can captivate that, 04:18 we pour more into you, 04:19 so, for instance, we work with a lot of women 04:22 in educating them, on, you know, if you've been in a situation 04:25 a lot of times you are tied to that person because of 04:28 financial security, you don't have finances 04:30 so, we go in and teach financial independence, 04:33 how do you prepare yourself for job readiness, 04:36 how do you even send out résumés', 04:37 we go into Shelters and we work one-on-one 04:40 we take Corporations in and we take their HR Departments 04:43 and give them one-on-one interviews 04:45 mock interviews and getting them prepped 04:47 so educating them about all the things 04:50 that domestic violence does, how do you protect yourself 04:53 if you are in that situation, how do you protect your children 04:57 how do you do "plans of action" of getting out 05:00 and once we educate them, we begin to empower them, 05:03 we give them outlets to come and say, 05:05 "Hey, I've been through this but I'm growing, 05:07 I'm getting out of this situation" 05:09 bringing in the Community to say, 05:11 "Well, this is something that I dealt with in my household 05:14 here is my voice" so, we are the voice 05:17 for those that don't have a voice at all. 05:20 We do a big luncheon on domestic violence 05:23 bringing in different speakers whether it's about legal issues 05:28 understanding the damage 05:30 domestic violence does to your mental health 05:32 as well as your physical health, and that's how we empower them 05:37 and then on top of that through our Programs 05:39 we celebrate them for being survivors and for coming through 05:41 Wow! you've given me so much in what you just said 05:47 because, let's go back for a second, 05:52 you go even to Businesses and go to HR Departments 05:56 Human Resources Departments Yes 05:57 and train them as to how to deal with their 06:01 workers that are experiencing domestic violence 06:04 this is critical, identifying the different people 06:08 that are dealing with domestic violence 06:10 that is a critical piece there 06:13 because an employer might not know what to do, "What do I do?" 06:17 Absolutely, and in return we use those same Companies 06:20 to come in a teach survivors work skills 06:25 finances, what a lot of people don't know, 06:30 there was a report done last year by the White House 06:34 and 5.8 billion dollars per year is what the US loses 06:39 in intimate partner violence just through Corporations, 06:43 4.1 billion is just for medical, direct medical bills, 06:47 and 1.8 billion is for loss in productivity 06:51 so over 5.8 billion dollars 06:53 just in work alone from domestic violence. 06:55 That is... I don't think that the average 07:00 viewer knows how extensive 07:03 this problem is. Yes. 07:05 5.8 billion dollars is lost from domestic violence. 07:12 Yes, did you know what that is in numbers? 07:14 That's 8 million days of paid leave 07:17 so, if we looked at calculations that's equivalent to 07:20 32,000 full-time jobs from domestic violence 07:23 so, if we can continue to educate people 07:27 and make numbers realistic so people can see how 07:30 this is truly a number one issue 07:32 going on in our Country and abroad. 07:34 Wow! I want to come back to more of what the Foundation does 07:41 but I want our Viewers to understand 07:43 why this is your passion, why did you choose 07:48 this particular area to focus on? 07:52 I am a survivor of domestic violence, 07:55 I grew up in a household where I saw it every day 07:58 I was a part of it, 08:00 so by the time I was 14 years old, 08:03 I had my first set of black eyes from another 14 year old male, 08:08 he saw it every day in his household, 08:10 so, that became the norm, 08:12 the functioning norm on how you deal with issues 08:15 how you deal with problems, so here you have two children, 08:17 that grew up in that environment and again, 08:20 if that's what they're taught, that's what they would do 08:23 and every day, from 14 until it was the time 08:27 when I was about 18 years old, 08:28 not only was I experiencing it and fighting through it at home, 08:31 but I was experiencing it and fighting through it 08:33 with a boyfriend that's the same age as me, 08:37 and so, it took until I was 22 years old, 08:40 number one, I truly forgave my father and my mother 08:45 for what I had to experience and go through 08:48 and it hit me one day that how could I not forgive them 08:53 when that was their learned behavior 08:56 that's what they grew up with, 08:58 so, how can you not forgive someone 08:59 that doesn't know any better, now once I got that revelation, 09:04 I made a personal vow that I would not let my daughter 09:09 grow up in that type of environment 09:11 I was breaking the cycle. 09:14 Yes, look at... look at how God has led you 09:20 out of that whole lifestyle and into your purpose 09:26 this is your purpose, this is your passion, 09:28 this is the path that He has you on, 09:32 "Hurt people... hurt people" Yes 09:34 and so, you... we praise God for this 09:38 that He brought you out from that 09:41 you wanted to break the "generational curse" so to speak 09:44 because your parents had seen it and then you saw it 09:48 and then your daughter... 09:50 had you not broken that cycle your daughter could have seen it 09:53 and she could have passed it on, Absolutely 09:55 we praise the Lord that that didn't happen. 09:58 What happens in the mind of a... 10:05 first a child that is... 10:08 well, first the child that is witnessing abuse 10:12 then the child that is receiving the abuse 10:16 when you were a teenager and you were witnessing the abuse, 10:21 what was going through your head about that 10:23 on what you deserved or what you were supposed to get 10:27 versus what you were getting? 10:28 The first thing is it's very confusing as a child 10:31 because you have no voice and so, 10:35 it's confusing to watch people that you love 10:37 demonstrate that type of behavior 10:41 as one to resolve issues, and so, from that, 10:46 it's the "confusion factor" 10:48 and then you start to build in your mind 10:49 "Well, I guess, if that's the way to resolve things, 10:52 I should expect that's what's going to happen to me" 10:55 and so, when it first happened to me at 14 10:58 it was the shock factor, but instead of me saying, 11:02 "No, this is not functional, this is not normal," 11:05 I went right along and said, 11:07 "Okay, this is what I've seen so this is what happens" 11:10 10 million children every year witness domestic violence 11:13 and people do not understand, from that, the... 11:17 what happens to those innocent children 11:20 because now, they face a life of 11:22 "this is how I act out when I get angry" 11:24 so that's why we see so much violence going around 11:26 in our Communities, because that's what they know 11:29 that's what they're taught, they are not taught to sit down 11:31 and communicate, "It's okay to disagree but there is a way 11:34 to do it, you don't have to yell at me 11:36 you don't have to call me out of my name," 11:37 and so, we, as a Community, have to hold people accountable 11:42 and responsible for teaching our children 11:44 and breaking these dysfunctional cycles. 11:47 Absolutely, absolutely, we have to teach our Community 11:57 how to handle conflict, conflict resolution, 12:01 it does not have to be where, 12:04 "I'm going to fight you because you looked at my sneakers, 12:07 you want my sneakers" or "you gave me the wrong look" 12:10 or I mean, we have to teach, and that's part of your mission, 12:18 to educate, right? 12:20 We have to teach our folks how to resolve conflict 12:25 in a way that uses our minds and not, just jump into 12:29 a violent confrontation, Yeah. 12:32 and just what you said is so true, 12:35 "that's what you see so that's what you do" 12:38 but if we could just train people that 12:43 that is not the only way, that is not the way, 12:46 rather, not... 12:48 that is not the way to handle conflict 12:50 it could be tremendous, so that piece is super important 12:56 I got a call, last week sometime about a young teenager 13:03 that had witnessed domestic violence in the home 13:07 it wasn't her mother or father, 13:10 it was actually some people that were living there 13:12 and so, she was watching him, the man beat up this woman 13:18 and I mean, it's... when you think about it, 13:21 how traumatic is that for her to carry 13:24 it wasn't her mother or father, but it still was in her home, 13:27 and she sees a woman being beaten 13:30 by another person in the household... 13:33 it's just... and then the children are 13:36 expected to leave that environment 13:39 and go to school and function normally. 13:41 Right, absolutely, and it goes back to, again, 13:45 "Who are the caregivers" and 13:46 "who are we holding accountable for that" 13:49 because, in my mind, if the child has to witness that 13:51 the adults have to be there and they have to know 13:54 so what are we saying to the child? 13:55 That that is okay... that is okay for that to happen? 13:58 What are we teaching our young kids and our boys 14:01 because again, it teaches our boys, 14:04 "this is how you deal with a woman 14:07 if you want to control her" 14:09 because domestic violence is just not the physical, 14:12 I thought my biggest thing is, the bruises go away 14:14 but once you've embedded to me... 14:17 and to my mind, that's worse than... 14:19 worse than you hitting me 14:21 so domestic violence is a part of control 14:23 a major control factor, and when we talk about our boys 14:27 63 percent of our boys 14:29 that are age 11 through 20 that commit murder, 14:32 murder the person that was abusing their mother 14:35 so, as a mother, how do you put that on your son, 14:38 where he feels like he has to go and save you 14:41 and he has to kill this person, 14:42 and now his life is ruined he's in prison. 14:44 That's right, that's right, his life is ruined, 14:48 Yeah. you have given him the message 14:52 by staying with the perpetrator 14:54 that it's okay to treat your mom like this 14:57 I mean, it just... we have to hold... 15:02 as women we have to hold ourselves accountable 15:04 we have to think about 15:07 the messages that we give to our children 15:09 whether it's spoken or unspoken. Absolutely, absolutely. 15:15 So, what are the stages in a relationship 15:18 with domestic violence, give us, if you would, 15:21 how does it kind of evolve? 15:24 It normally first begins with verbal, 15:27 some of the things that we talk about 15:30 it may be, someone teasing you, pinching you, 15:34 or just pulling on you, 15:36 and that's something that you have to stop in the beginning 15:39 because at the end it's like anything, 15:41 "If I can test the waters to see how far I can go, 15:44 then I will continue" and it will get aggressive 15:47 you may begin to see if someone is being abused 15:50 they're being pulled away from friends, 15:53 pulled away from family, 15:55 you'll begin to see the control 15:57 you'll begin to see that abuser 15:59 how to speak to that person and it's almost like, 16:02 "Let me get you away from anybody that may be 16:05 telling you something different from me 16:07 so that I can control you mentally" 16:09 So, it's isolation, it's to isolate the victim. 16:13 Yes, and once the isolation begins 16:16 the next step you will begin to see is the verbal abuse 16:20 demeaning the victim, 16:22 telling them what they are or are not, 16:25 who they're not, what they will or will not do, 16:27 so the control, then, just goes to a heightened level 16:31 and then the final part that you'll begin to see 16:34 is the physical, so there are steps, 16:36 not just letting him hit you, 16:38 and that's the beginning of domestic violence 16:40 so when we see these national cases come out, 16:42 and you see the incidents where 16:44 athletes have had some major abuse, 16:48 that's not the first time, because that's not how it starts 16:52 there's a definite pattern of behavior, that 16:55 that is the last step. 16:56 Wow! so this is something 17:00 that has been brewing that has been going from 17:03 step to step to step Yeah. 17:05 and you know what you said earlier too, Alma 17:08 about the physical, the bruises leave, 17:12 but the mental bruising is what stays 17:16 I mean the mental, 17:17 that whole feeling of being beaten down 17:21 not just physically, but emotionally 17:24 where you get, you know, the abuser might say, 17:27 "Well, nobody else is going to want you, 17:29 who wants you, 17:30 who is going to want you. " Right. 17:32 And so you begin to internalize that low self-esteem 17:35 and you feel like, "Where am I going to go?" 17:38 and then you also mentioned about finances 17:40 Yeah. "I don't have any money 17:42 to go anywhere, what am I going to do?" 17:45 Absolutely, absolutely. 17:46 If a woman is caught up into an abusive situation 17:53 right now, what would you say to the woman who's watching 17:57 who just accidently may be when we say "accidently" 18:00 because we know, that the Lord had her watch, 18:02 Yes, yes. 18:03 What would you say to the woman who is caught up 18:05 into an abusive situation, what would you tell her to do? 18:09 Number one, you have to get out of that situation 18:13 that is not who you are and if you have children, 18:17 you have to think enough about yourself and save your children 18:22 you have to get out of it, 18:24 you have to get out of that situation. 18:25 Number two, you are not alone, 18:27 so it's so easy to think that no one is here to help you 18:30 there are people here, there are resources 18:32 we are here and this is an urgent need, 18:35 that you need to go right now you need to dial 1-800-779-safe 18:40 that is the National Domestic Violence Hotline 18:42 they can help you find the nearest Shelter, 18:45 they can help you get out immediately. 18:46 Give that number again, please Alma. 18:48 Yes, 1-800-779-safe, SAFE 18:54 if this is something that you're contemplating 18:58 you're not sure that you're ready to make that call, 19:00 I want you to know that we value your life, 19:03 God values your life more than anything 19:06 you are not what that person is telling you 19:09 there is so much more to you, but you have to be here 19:12 so that we can see that, 19:13 you have to be here for your children 19:15 there are so many people counting on you 19:18 that you don't realize and you are so much more 19:21 than what he or she is saying to you, 19:23 and we want to help you, we want to see you safe. 19:26 That's beautiful, thank you. 19:29 You're welcome. 19:30 Women who are in that kind of situation... 19:35 we as women who are not in that situation, 19:40 can reach out to them and say, 19:42 "Hey, there is a safe place for you to be. " 19:44 Yes. You can go somewhere and be safe 19:48 Yes. but there are so many 19:51 psychological reasons 19:54 why a women won't venture out to do that, 19:56 once you've been beaten down enough, 19:58 it's like... you have the "battered woman syndrome" 20:01 mentally. Yes, it's real. 20:03 It's real. It is real. 20:05 It's a real situation. It is real. 20:08 And even if you're not in that situation, 20:10 if you have a loved one that is... 20:12 we try to teach them also, 20:13 until that person is ready mentally 20:16 they will not get out of the situation 20:18 it has to be that they are sick and tired 20:20 and sick and tired of being beaten down. 20:23 And so, as a loved one on the outside 20:25 we encourage you, don't dispel that person 20:28 or push that person aside and just say, 20:30 "Oh well, you have to learn. " No! continue to show them love 20:33 because again, you are counteracting 20:36 what has been deposited in their mindset, 20:39 anything that's repeated 21 times... 20:41 that's a pattern of behavior so, when we teach our children 20:44 how to get potty-trained, it is continuous... 20:46 put them on the potty, put them on the potty, 20:49 so, if you put yourself in their situation, 20:51 and someone has told them all of these negative things 20:53 about themselves and they feel that they are alone 20:56 you have to understand... they don't need that from you. 20:59 They need for you to engulf them, 21:02 love them and let them know, 21:04 "Hey, I know what you're going through, 21:06 I'm here for you for when you are ready, 21:08 and we are here to support you, and we love you, 21:11 you don't have to go through this by yourself. " 21:14 That is so true and so beautiful because we're not here to... 21:21 many times when you have not been abused yourself, 21:25 you can't "walk in their shoes" so to speak 21:28 because you really don't understand 21:30 so you'll say, "Why don't they just leave?" 21:32 like, "What is wrong, why don't you just leave?" 21:35 but it's so much... it's like layers of an onion 21:38 there are is so much more to it than just what meets the eye. 21:41 Yes, yes. And so, to say to that person, 21:45 "We love you, we're here for you, 21:48 you can talk to me any time 21:52 and I'll give you whatever advice I can, 21:55 I'll pray with you. " Yes. 21:57 These are things that we can do, if we see a loved one 22:01 that's in trouble, give them that number, 22:04 that hotline number 22:05 so that they can do something. 22:08 I'm going to put your website on the screen as well 22:11 with the Foundation, tell us some more about 22:14 how the Foundation educates, empowers and celebrates. 22:19 With our education... it goes back to us reaching out 22:23 to survivors, or even survivors reaching out to us, 22:26 we love it when our phone rings, 22:28 when our phone rings all is fine at the office, 22:30 that means we're doing what we're supposed to be doing, 22:32 and again, so for us it's training, 22:35 it's training the Community, letting them understand 22:38 through statistics, 22:39 "How are you aware of what's going on?" 22:42 even for survivors, we provide free self-defense, 22:45 and so, that's huge because 22:50 a lot of survivors don't know how to protect themselves, 22:52 myself and I... I have two daughters, 22:54 we both have... we take the classes all the time 22:57 just to make sure we're on top of what we know 22:59 and how to protect ourselves, 23:01 so that's a big part of us... educating... 23:04 whatever I can teach you to pour back into you 23:07 so that you don't have to go back to that situation, 23:10 that is what we do, through the education component, 23:13 and again, empowering you, letting you know, 23:16 "There's a Community out here that welcomes you. " 23:18 There are other survivors that have come through 23:21 there are survivors that are still trying to come through, 23:23 but we have to embrace each other 23:25 and continuously to remind each other 23:27 that we are not by ourselves, there's somebody else. 23:30 "I understand what you've been through 23:31 because I've gone through it," so, understanding... 23:35 there is empowerment in that, 23:37 there's empowerment in knowing that you are not by yourself 23:39 and the greatest peace for us is 23:41 celebrating you, honoring you, 23:43 showing you how beautiful you are on the outside 23:46 and then we pour inside of you 23:48 because you made a big step, it's not easy to do, 23:52 I know... it's not easy to do, but we celebrate you 23:56 and we honor you for being strong enough 23:59 and having the courage to get out. 24:00 That's tremendous, 24:02 what a tremendous work your Foundation is doing, 24:05 Thank you. and how necessary it is. 24:08 Yes. What have your daughters 24:11 taken away from your experience, and also the Foundation, 24:17 tell us about your daughters' reaction to all of this. 24:20 My daughters love it, 24:23 I have always included my two daughters 24:25 in everything that we have done, 24:26 they have been a part of every project, 24:29 every event, going into the Shelters, 24:32 so I have a 14-year-old 24:34 and I have a 19-year-old who is in college, 24:36 she's a freshman in college, 24:37 and so for my 14-year-old, it's amazing to me that she goes 24:41 anytime she has to do a presentation at school, 24:43 she talks about it, she teaches other kids about it, 24:47 other warning signs, she's witnessing it for herself 24:50 young girls that are in a Shelter... 24:52 battered Children's Shelter 24:54 because this is what they had to experience 24:56 so it opens her eyes up to know 24:59 how to be treated as a young lady 25:01 because mommy lives her life, 25:03 to show them what can and cannot happen 25:05 what needs to be done, how someone values you, 25:09 how they treat you, how they talk to you, 25:11 and for my oldest daughter, for her to be in college, 25:13 she's doing the same thing, 25:16 she's teaching other college girls 25:18 because domestic violence is number one on college campuses 25:20 and most people don't know that it could be your daughter, 25:23 and when you're on a college campus, 25:26 this is your transition in life 25:28 of you becoming an adult, 25:30 trying to handle things on your own, 25:31 and leaving mummy, daddy and family behind 25:35 so to watch my daughter, as this 19-year-old young girl 25:38 in college now, teaching other young girls 25:41 even, this is the first time she's dated, ever, 25:45 she will not let guys say certain things to her 25:49 she looks at the warning signs 25:50 and it's taught my children how to have 25:52 healthy relationships 25:54 what a lot of people do not know how to do. 25:56 Absolutely, that is so true, 25:59 can you tell us what are some of the warning signs, 26:02 what are the warning signs of domestic violence? 26:05 It goes back to number one 26:07 if you're noticing that the person that you're with 26:10 is beginning to isolate you from family, friends, loved ones 26:14 they begin to call you little names, 26:16 or they begin to tug on you, pull on you, 26:19 pinch on you, 26:20 they want to control and manipulate most of your time 26:23 those are first-time warning signs 26:26 now, that doesn't mean that this person is going to lead 26:29 automatically to abusing you, 26:30 but number one, that's not healthy 26:32 in any relationship, 26:34 because no one should want to have that much dominance 26:37 over another person, so that's a big tell-tale sign 26:41 especially for our young girls 26:44 who are allowing guys to call you names 26:46 to demean you, to tell you what you're not... 26:49 if someone loves you, 26:50 they should always be valuing who you are 26:52 and pouring "positive" into you, 26:55 not negative, not trying to tear you down 26:58 so those are tell-tale signs 26:59 that tell you, "Hey, these are red flags, 27:01 this is something that I need to investigate a little more 27:04 I am big on always asking questions, 27:07 "What is your relationship like with your mother, 27:09 with your sister?" 27:10 My big question even as a grown woman, 27:14 "If I had to talk to your last girlfriend or ex-wife, 27:19 what would they say about you?" 27:21 Hmmm... that's a good one, 27:24 I ask people, "Hey, how do you handle anger?" 27:28 different things like that to help get some understanding 27:33 as to what may or may not happen, 27:35 so again, first times are the "control factor" 27:38 the control factor... Right... 27:39 Thank you... 27:41 Oh, I can't believe our time is up 27:44 you have been such a wonderful guest 27:47 and we just praise the Lord for having you here 27:50 and for having you on Urban Report. 27:52 Thank you... may God bless you. 27:54 Thank you for having me. Oh, sure. 27:57 That's the end of our Program, 27:59 thanks for tuning in, join us next time, 28:01 because it wouldn't be the same without you. |
Revised 2015-08-03