Urban Report

RD2 Romance Spotlight

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Jason Bradley (Host), Yvonne Lewis (Host), Bianca Acosta, Dr.John Jacob, Jeremiah Dieujuste, Miles Rashad, Sean Brereton, Vania Dieujuste


Series Code: UBR

Program Code: UBR000191A

00:01 The road to romance can be a challenging one. Stay tuned
00:04 to find out how to make it a little bit easier.
00:06 My name is Jason Bradley and you're watching Urban Report.
00:32 Hello and Welcome to Urban Report. I had the privilege of
00:35 interviewing the cast from "Road to Romance" on their
00:38 set with my Mom, Yvonne Lewis. Let's see what they had to say
00:43 As you know I love to go on the sets of our different programs
00:48 from Dare to Dream and Jason and I are here on the set of
00:52 Road to Romance. Hey J. Hi Ma Good to have you here, yeah!
00:57 We're on the set of Road to Romance with the host, doctor
01:01 and the team from this season's Road to Romance, so let's go
01:05 around and have you introduce yourselves and tell us
01:09 where you're from. Let's start with you Dr. Jacob. Where
01:11 are you from? Loma Linda, CA. Great. I'm Bianca Acosta and I'm
01:17 from Rancho Cucamonga, in CA as well.
01:20 I'm Shawn Berrotin and I'm from Brooklyn, New York
01:23 I'm Vania Dieujuste. I'm originally from Curacao
01:27 but I live in Riverside, California.
01:28 I'm Jeremiah Dieujuste and I live in Riverside, CA, as well.
01:32 I'm Miles Rashad originally from Los Angeles, California
01:35 but I live in Huntsville, Alabama.
01:37 Alright. We have a pretty good representation here, right?
01:40 There's a couple people from California here, uh huh
01:46 California, New York and Alabama so we've got quite a bit of
01:50 representation here. So let's find out from Dr. Jacob. How did
01:54 you go about finding this Season's group of candidates?
02:00 Well I got a lot of help. We've got a website XYtheory.com
02:04 and we advertized and had a lot of people respond that way
02:08 and then word of mouth. I think a lot of people got
02:12 the newsletter that you sent out and they contacted us and
02:16 it was quite a process and here we are.
02:20 Yes, this is so good. So in the future if someone wants to be
02:27 a link there that directs them you know on what they should do
02:35 where they should go. There's also a phone number they can
02:37 can call directly if they wanna talk to someone and get some
02:41 direct immediate feedback. Good, good. Tell us a little bit
02:45 about the xy theory so that people who are not familiar with
02:50 Road to Romance or that theory can know what it's all about.
02:54 Right. Probably about 10 years ago which probably dates me, but
03:00 about 10 years ago I started noticing that in spite of our
03:04 best efforts with regard to spirituality, I noticed that
03:08 a lot of couples were struggling to make it in the relationship
03:12 to make it in the marriages, so we felt that there was something
03:16 in addition to spiritual factors that might be contributing to
03:20 to all of the distress that couples were having.
03:22 So we took a look at the psychology and we found that
03:25 people were matching themselves up to others who were uh opposite
03:31 in personality type and they had no idea that personality
03:36 was causing problems in spite of their best spiritual efforts.
03:40 So I decided to create a test called the xy personality test
03:44 and this test will allow you to do one of two things
03:46 If you're single it will allow you to find out if the person
03:49 that you're interested in will be a match inside of the
03:53 relationship before you go on the first date.
03:56 Before you contact that person at all. You don't have to waste
03:59 any time. You don't have to go to a restaurant, you don't have
04:02 to spend money on a meal if you don't want to. It's appealing
04:05 to some people before you spend any money you can find out
04:08 You don't have to go to anywhere at all, the park wherever you go
04:12 and you can take the test, you can do it remotely. Person can
04:16 be in the UK, could be in Russia and it will tell you, ok this
04:20 person, if you were to get together with this person
04:23 somewhere down the road you will find that you guys are opposites
04:28 that should never have attached, never have been
04:31 Now how do you pop that question to somebody, how do you just
04:37 say, you know I want to go out with you I want you to take this
04:42 test first. I mean how do you go about doing that? That's a
04:45 good question, since I had to pilot test it. Ha ha ha
04:50 I know what works and what absolutely doesn't
04:52 You should absolutely not say it's a personality test.
04:56 You shouldn't. You should probably choose a restaurant
05:00 where there's a long waiting list and you're there for like
05:04 at least half an hour, maybe 20 minutes and then you say
05:06 Hey let's pass the time. I have a friend that created this test
05:10 It's a fun test you know, it's on the internet, it's all over
05:13 it's just a fun thing to pass the time and you take the test
05:16 on the phone to show that you're not afraid of the test yourself.
05:19 and you pass the phone on to them and they can go on there
05:22 and take the test. The questions are non intrusive, nothing
05:26 personal, they're not going to ask anything about boyfriends
05:28 and all of that. They ask some really strange questions
05:31 they might ask you something like 'do you enjoy going fishing
05:34 and on the basis of that answer we'll be able to make some
05:38 guesses you know about what your personality type is. So
05:41 they will have no clue as long as you don't say this test is
05:45 going to determine whether or not we have a second date.
05:47 Ha ha ah. You don't say that. You are fine. ha ha ha ha
05:51 This test determines whether or not you ever hear from me again
05:55 Again, right? Hahaha. Determines whether or not I'm going to
05:58 stick around till that bill comes. Oh hahahaha
06:08 That's really interesting to me because the test, the way you
06:13 set it up is it lets you know who that person is in the
06:18 relationship. Right. So everyone puts their best foot forward
06:23 during the dating process but you don't really know who that
06:27 person is until you marry them perhaps and then you're in there
06:33 it's too late. I'm glad you mentioned that because there's
06:36 also the hormones that are involved that cause people to
06:39 put up a front, so to speak and unpack that, tell us about that.
06:47 To let a lot of people off the hook it's not always a malicious
06:50 act. I know some people send a deed representative and they
06:54 know full well that this is not who they are. But there are
06:58 others who mean well and they're just tryin to put their best
07:01 foot forward, so we have about 8 hormones that are related to
07:05 relationships and those hormones actually work in our favor to
07:09 enable us to make this match happen. Some of them are
07:14 blinding hormones. So they blind you to the faults of the person
07:18 that you're trying to get with. Ah it's like the honeymoon phase
07:21 exactly! And it can do it for quite a while. Most people
07:24 believe it could do it for about almost two years.
07:26 So if you decided I will save myself by dating a long time
07:30 long enough to find out who this individual is, it might not be
07:34 long enough. So the hormones are responsible for that, and
07:37 hormones are responsible for most of the feelings that you
07:39 feel when you're dating like the butterflies in the stomach.
07:41 There are specific hormones for that. They're also responsible
07:44 for who you choose. If you're likely to choose someone that
07:47 with a high-powered career over someone let's say just you know
07:52 is just concerned about character let's say,
07:54 a hormone's actually responsible for that choice as well.
07:57 Hmm, yes so they run the show.
08:00 And if you have no idea what they are and how to control them
08:05 then you find yourself saddled five years in a marriage
08:09 that your little 8 hormones took you to. It's pretty serious
08:14 It's helpful to know about them Hmm hmm. Yeah
08:18 So the X is then, you know the XY theory. You developed this
08:23 theory, right? So the X is, describe what they are like
08:28 and describe what YX are like.
08:30 X types in general, X really means high
08:33 Y means low. So a lot of folks hear it and they think that I'm
08:38 talking about chromosomes. Yeah right. It's just coincidental.
08:42 So X meaning high in anything. High in communication
08:48 high in your need for intimacy. So the 2 pillars, the 2 main
08:52 pillars, the core-communication and intimacy, so if you have a
08:56 high need for each of those you'll be considered an X, X
08:59 So one would be communication and the other would be intimacy
09:02 If you are a Y,Y you have a low need for each of those.
09:05 We've also gone on and added to those two so now we have a
09:11 total of 4. And the reason for that is, we've always known that
09:14 they existed but we chose to start off simply so that people
09:18 you know can grasp the concept. The first one is adaptability
09:22 that we added and adaptability simply means, I know I have to
09:26 make adjustments, unless you're marrying your twin
09:29 ah ha ha ha. You're going to find someone that is a little
09:32 different from you, raised in a different place, raised by
09:34 different parents and different parenting style
09:36 probably a different part of the country and you are gonna
09:40 have to make adjustments. But what we found is that
09:42 one personality type finds those adjustments more difficult
09:47 to make than the other. So the test now includes information
09:51 to let you know, well Jason may love you but he has a really
09:57 hard time changing some things. He has a hard time
10:00 being flexible. Hmm. So if you love Jason you need to
10:06 keep in mind that you will be the one making the changes
10:08 not him. Wow! So the test lets you know ahead of time
10:13 And keep in mind that that is a completely. Ha ha
10:17 Right, right. So if you're an X and you're involved with a Y
10:23 then know that you are the one that's gonna have to make
10:26 most of the compromises. yeah. Because the Y is not going to
10:30 compromise. The X type generally and there are exceptions
10:33 which is why the test comes in really handy because
10:36 if there were no exceptions we wouldn't need a test we'll just
10:39 say, you know. So the X types generally do what I call the
10:43 heavy lifting in the relationship.
10:45 They do the maintenance. If it were not for X types there were
10:50 a lot of relationships and marriages that would've failed
10:52 we wouldn't have a divorce rate at 50%, it'd be like 85%
10:55 Wow! They serve a good purpose because you know let's face it
11:00 we don't have 50% Xs and 50% YX you know what I'm saying
11:03 we have more like, when it comes to men we have about 25% of
11:07 men that are X types which I call X-men or X type men
11:11 because they're in such low supply I think if women knew
11:17 about X men they would be rushing out there and you know
11:19 asking what's your type, what's your personality type?
11:22 Because Y type men they have their advantages, they're the
11:28 strong, silent type. If you want someone that doesn't get
11:32 easily ruffled, if you know that you're a worry wart, you worry
11:36 easily you'd want to be with someone that's more of a Y type
11:39 quality because they'll keep you grounded, but that flip side
11:44 is that they also because they are so grounded they're not
11:48 going to be very flexible. Hmm So it's also about what you want
11:52 There are some folks out there who would prefer to be with
11:55 someone, that you know is the strong, silent somewhat
11:59 inflexible type, there are those that want that. So the test
12:02 allows you to pretty much pick and choose. You can choose to
12:05 be with somebody more like you which of course is what
12:08 I recommend, or you can choose to be with someone that has
12:12 a few traits different, you know from yours just so that you
12:17 could balance out some other things about your personality
12:19 Now what about the popular saying Opposites Attract?
12:25 Right, yeah. How does that come into play with the XY
12:28 Even with the XY theory it's exactly the same
12:30 Opposites attract. But what I say is in XY theory, opposites
12:34 are attractive but not adhesive Hmmm
12:37 So. Wow! Yeah. You could get in you could get in but you have no
12:44 guarantee that you'd be able to be bonded enough to make
12:49 a lifetime of it. Longevity! Yeah. Right, exactly.
12:53 No guarantee for longevity. We also have a 4th dimension
12:58 it's a conflict resolution piece which we call
13:00 inter-activity and again what that means is, you're not
13:04 marrying your twin so you are going to find someone
13:06 who, number 1 you have to make adjustments to be with and,
13:10 in spite of that you're still gonna have times when you
13:13 cannot resolve issues. Uh huh. So we know that about 70-73%
13:18 of all conflicts, all arguments are not resolvable.
13:23 Yes 70-73% of all arguments are really not solvable.
13:29 So what happens is someone has to say you know what?
13:33 Let's do it your way, let's do it your way.
13:37 Then if you're an X and you're with a Y most of the time
13:39 it's going to be X. Yes, if you're an X it's going to be you
13:43 Down to everything, the timing of everything, if you're single
13:47 like most of my friends here the X type will not be the one who
13:51 determines when they get married. It'll be the Y
13:54 Because the X will be like let's do it now. Ha ha ha
13:58 But the Y will be like, no let's save some money
14:00 I told you I need to have $500,000 in the bank
14:03 Haha ha before we make this move you know. So conflict
14:07 resolution, but even with that we're finding that we have to be
14:11 able to predict what type of conflict resolution you are more
14:15 comfortable with because you have to be able to be matched
14:18 even in that. Now either you believe that you want to resolve
14:22 conflict quickly or you would prefer to process. So we have
14:25 those processors that need some time and sometimes they're not
14:29 just processing, they're really angry and they need time to
14:33 cool down but still the point is you have two groups
14:36 those who need time and those that want it right away.
14:40 And so we have to match, the algorithm has to match those who
14:44 want to resolve it right away with people who want to resolve
14:46 it right away. Because you put those two people together
14:50 you know, you have let me take a week to never
14:53 to resolve it and let me do it right away and when you put
14:56 those two people together that's a recipe for disaster.
15:00 Right, right. Because the time tables are so different. Yeah
15:05 One person is anxious to get it settled and the other one is
15:09 like, look I can't talk about it right now. Yeah. Just give me a
15:14 little time. And so if you can't find some kind of resolution
15:20 to that dissonance then you're going to implode. Yeah.
15:26 Like that's just not gonna work. We really had to work on this
15:29 piece because what we found is both sides suffer from anxiety
15:34 or they experience anxiety when they're pushed, so if you are
15:39 what we call a distancer, meaning that you like to put
15:42 some distance between you and any conflict you feel some
15:46 anxiety when your partner is pursuing you for resolution
15:51 If you keep backing up then your partner that is coming
15:56 after you to resolve it also experiences a rising cortisol
15:59 which means both of you are experiencing serious anxiety
16:03 over the one issue because you want to resolve them
16:05 in a different time frame. Hmm so how do you resolve that?
16:10 When you have two totally different timetables?
16:13 And I know you talk about that on the program, but just give us
16:17 the synopsis. Of course for my young singles here I tell them
16:20 that this is resolved by staying away from someone like that
16:22 Ha ha ha. If you haven't already married them don't marry them.
16:28 Yeah. That's what you're saying Yes, it's the hardest thing
16:31 It's a personality and it's the hardest thing to change.
16:34 It's a combination of what you're given genetically
16:37 in the womb, along with years of parenting. And by the time
16:42 your significant other meets you it's a pretty done deal.
16:46 It's a done deal. It's very difficult, it's not impossible
16:49 but it's difficult to change so for them, clean slate
16:53 let us do the hard work for you. We have the algorithm
16:57 The test is free and you can take the test and it will tell
17:00 you exactly who to be matched with. But for couples
17:03 it's a compromise. I mean they absolutely must compromise
17:06 we've had couples that we've worked with where one person
17:11 really wanted, and we can measure, we can actually tell
17:13 you what your timeframe is so one guy in particular, 5 minutes
17:19 he needed resolution in 5 minutes, like right now. He
17:25 exactly what that was. His wife, she needed 24 hours
17:32 And so they had to compromise and the compromise was, ok
17:36 we'll try to get it done before sunset, so we try to get it
17:40 done within the day. Nice! He understood that he'll feel
17:43 anxiety from the moment it happened until the end of day
17:46 Right. and she understood that she's going to feel some anxiety
17:49 herself because she'd prefer to do it the next day.
17:52 For a lot of people when they sleep their brain continues to
17:56 process the information so that very often they wake up
17:59 almost with a Eureka moment. Oh wow, ok I think I know what
18:03 we need to do. Well you would rob that person of that and it's
18:07 just a part of the compromise is what they're going to have to
18:09 let go. But that's what it is. Anything else is probably
18:13 not going to work. Wow. That is so interesting to me.
18:17 Because couples are individuals that are put together
18:21 and you have to know how to "BE" with that person. Right.
18:25 And so if you're, what're you gonna say? It's so important
18:29 to be able to maintain your individuality, mmm exactly
18:33 in that relationship as well. But the Bible nailed it when
18:38 it said you need to be equally yoked. That's in every aspect.
18:43 Spirituality to just being on the same page with conflict
18:48 resolution, all of those things because if you're not
18:52 you know there's going to be some issues and that longevity
18:55 might not be. Yeah. I'm glad you mentioned that, we do
18:59 measure that as well because when the Bible says that
19:01 I think the Bible was referring more to spiritual intimacy,
19:04 so we have intimacy as a piece but we found a way to
19:07 measure spiritual intimacy. Oh how? Well the algorithm's going
19:11 to do it but what we found is especially within our faith
19:16 we have more categories and strata of believers, More levels
19:22 than almost any other religion. Really? What are some of the
19:25 levels. Ok, just in terms of belief we have conservatives
19:29 ultra conservatives, moderates, liberals, ultra liberals
19:32 just on that level alone. Wow. You don't want to put an
19:37 ultra conservative with an ultra liberal. Ha ha ha. Both going to
19:43 the same heaven, both serving the same Lord. But they don't
19:47 think they're both going ha ha ha and both should be
19:51 in the same narrow path that Jesus talked about, right?
19:53 No they're on the same road but they don't see each other at all
19:56 Not at all. Not on that path. So we try to, the algorithm can
20:01 match you up with someone that is in the same, you know, level
20:06 the same degree that you're in I'm not talking about degree of
20:09 spirituality but difference of belief. So now wait, are you
20:12 talking about, we know about the test, are you saying
20:15 that you also have on this website you also have a kind of
20:19 dating. Yes, we have a dating website that is finished.
20:24 Oh. But not launched. Yeah because we would like quite
20:29 a few people to go on there and familiarize themselves
20:31 with the test. Get to know that their personality type is.
20:34 That's the big problem. A lot of people are going out there
20:36 dating, marrying, but they have no idea who they are which
20:40 means they have no idea what they need. Right.
20:42 So our first goal for several months, we're going to do this
20:45 for several months, have the test on there for free. Anyone
20:48 can go on there, find out what you're all about, find out
20:51 you know, find out who you are and maybe 2-3 months later
20:55 then we'll actually launch the dating website and we will do
20:58 the algorithm in the background we'll do all of that for you
21:01 I mean if you put a vegan with someone who eats meat but
21:06 they decided you know what, I'm not going to deal with the
21:10 unclean meat but I'll you know you're gonna have problems
21:14 They're gonna have problems. And even though they go to the
21:16 same church and serve the same Lord it's going to be a problem.
21:20 So, and this is just to give you an idea in just within our faith
21:24 so we have a lot of information we don't ask a lot of questions
21:28 but we get a lot of information, and we try to take the guess work
21:32 out of it for folks and we also try to take the hard work
21:35 because listen, the world has become quite complex
21:37 Yes. And we try to make it easy for you because nobody wants to
21:41 go and do a calculus. You don't want to do calculus to be dating
21:45 Feel like you're doing a math test to be dating. You just want
21:49 to go in there and you want someone else to do it for you
21:51 We're like the big match maker except we feel that we do it
21:54 more accurately than anyone else. Love this. This is
21:58 incredible, isn't it? So first you have the test and then
22:02 you have the dating site. Yeah And then we have the dating site
22:06 And then as soon as that is launched then we launch the Apps
22:10 because the Apps have a lot of work to do, I mean there are
22:14 people who will not go on a dating website. Still about
22:18 at least 25-35% of the people that are single that you talk to
22:24 will never go on a website. So we have to create Apps and bring
22:29 what we have to them. Hmm. So down the road, down the road
22:34 not too far down, we're talking about maybe the Fall, if one of
22:38 your colleagues walked into this room right now and we were all
22:43 single, his phone will go off and will let him know who here
22:48 he is matched up with. And it wouldn't matter whether
22:51 guy to girl though, right? Not guy to guy? Ha ha ha...No!
22:58 I had to say that, no absolutely not! Because the current
23:02 environment that we're in, yeah we just want to make it clear
23:05 No, this would be the wrong web site. And we have age grouping
23:12 too right? Well everything. A good website is supposed to
23:16 group you according to the demographic that you want.
23:19 If you want a certain age group if you're 20 something and you
23:23 like 60 something old man we're not going to deny you
23:26 that's your right if you want an older man that's up to you
23:32 Ha ha ha ha. Interesting interesting. I had to get
23:36 a response. Or if you wanted somebody from New York
23:39 while you live in California you know you shouldn't be
23:42 denied that right. Or from Alabama. Right. Or from Alabama
23:50 We have to make sure you get whatever you want.
23:52 Thank you for all the help!
23:55 Anything I can do to help.
23:57 But wherever you go, anywhere you walked into a store we
24:02 want to convert every area every space, every building
24:08 every jobsite, every hangout joint to a place where someone
24:14 can meet somebody that they're well matched with. Wow!
24:18 You know we're not going into clubs, in other words that's not
24:23 our scene. Right. But I feel for those people as well and I
24:28 think that if I could help even them when you know that
24:32 they're going to hook up with this person here and that person
24:34 there, if I could help even them to be well matched, because
24:37 our goal, the goal of the Jacob Research Institute is to reduce
24:41 marital distress and reduce divorce rate. Across the country
24:47 Christian or non-Christian, people are suffering and
24:51 you suffer the same whether you are Christian or non-Christian
24:54 so wherever you are and whatever you're doing our goal is to
24:57 match you with someone who's going to give you best chance
25:01 of having longevity in your marriage. Hmmm it's good.
25:05 Bianca what did you get from being on Road to Romance?
25:10 It was good to see, I guess, get confirmation and some insight
25:16 I see some things that I knew about myself and then kinda
25:21 understanding, Oh so that's why, you know that makes sense
25:25 you know this thing that I learned about myself
25:28 so things like that and a lot of other things that people
25:33 would see if they watch the program.
25:35 Ha ha ha. Good. For sure. What about you Shawn? What'd you get?
25:39 Well, I guess a better understanding of how I interact
25:43 you know, in a relationship. Something that kinda stood out
25:49 was the soft science. You know these are things to look out for
25:52 when interacting with someone and I know that I'm an X
25:58 Well an XX and that's also good to know because I don't wanna
26:03 have any type of personality incompatibility with someone, so
26:09 And your journey has been pretty interesting like we know
26:13 We'll come back to Bianca because we didn't find out
26:16 what you've been doing and I do want to know that
26:19 But you have written a book and you have really focused on
26:24 brokenness. Talk a little bit about your book and what you're
26:27 you're doing. And how you came to write it.
26:30 Ok, well. What's the name of it? This book is the most beautiful
26:35 arrangement on brokenness. And it's a short story where I share
26:41 an experience that I was in where I was, I was prayerful
26:47 in a situation where I felt I was being led by God to pursue
26:52 someone and I missed a couple of red flags because of this
26:58 little hormone that I learned about called Dopamine and I
27:05 That's the thing it happens to the best of us, it happens
27:07 you could search through the Scriptures and you could see how
27:10 the enemy would use a lot of these same situations with
27:14 men and women, you know. Yeah I was led to prayerfully,
27:21 again because I was prayerfully thinking that someone was the
27:23 right match for me when the dopamine and all of these
27:27 other things deceived me you know and I, the relationship
27:34 didn't go anywhere and we weren't actually in a
27:36 relationship but the whole point is that you know the person
27:41 wasn't able to love me because they were "broken" they weren't
27:47 ready to love. Had she just gotten out of a bad relationship
27:51 or something. Yes. So she wasn't emotionally ready to get into
27:56 anything else, is that right? Exactly. And that's a cycle that
27:58 I asked God to use me to help people to understand that
28:02 this is a cycle that must break and it's nothing new to me,
28:06 I was too that broken person, and I jumped into another
28:10 relationship, it's termed rebound relationship
28:14 and you know you can never really heal by trying to
28:18 break somebody else, you know so to speak.
28:21 You know it's an ugly cycle and I want God to use me to reach
28:25 as many people to help them to see all of these signs before
28:28 they get into a bad situation and they walk around hating the
28:33 world you know, hating God and hating the opposite sex.
28:38 Uh huh. It's hard to have a relationship where someone
28:44 brings baggage from previous relationships in it because
28:48 then it's almost like you're paying for someone else's
28:50 mistakes and your relationship will never be successful.
28:54 Exactly. It's crazy because we went to Oakwood together
28:59 we didn't really hang out back in the day but we would always
29:02 see each other and now we're coming together. You are on the
29:05 Road to Romance and now we're talking about you and your book
29:08 it's just amazing to see you, the growth in you spiritually
29:13 and all that as well. Praise God Likewise with you. I appreciate
29:16 that. No problem. God is good It's amazing to me how He brings
29:22 people together. Because to me all of you were divinely
29:27 ordained to be on this program and to be here at this time
29:32 Bianca I just want to come back to you for a moment. OK. Because
29:35 you are doing something really interesting. Tell us what you're
29:38 doing. Well I am getting ready to take my State Boards
29:43 I'm a veterinarian and I love taking care of God's creatures
29:49 and being able to help owners learn how best to take care
29:55 of their pets and themselves too because really like a lot of
29:59 people don't understand how much health in the animal kingdom can
30:04 impact human health. Hmm. And it's really important to take
30:09 care of both. And also I mean I've mentioned this to them
30:15 before but, half jokingly, half seriously that some of the first
30:20 jobs that God gave us was gardener and zoo keeper
30:24 So I mean He wants us to be able to take care of the gifts that
30:27 He's given us and that's the way I feel called to do that.
30:31 That's great. Thank you. Now, our married couple here
30:37 for this season on Road to Romance tell us how you guys met
30:40 Vania you start. Well, we met on line. Ha ha ha.
30:49 Yes, we're one of the couples that decided to, you know
30:55 think out of the box and see, like check all the online
31:00 options and for me it was more like, I knew what I wanted
31:05 and I really knew what I was able to offer and I wanted to
31:11 I wanted that to be appreciated and yes, I was willing to just
31:16 explore the options because I knew that the person that I
31:19 wanted was hard to find, so
31:22 What was it you wanted? Well I wanted someone that is able to
31:28 communicate well and that I can be myself with, that can be
31:34 playful. You know someone that has great humor and that is
31:40 intelligent and yet we can be best friends, so those are a
31:45 few things that I truly wanted and found in him.
31:50 I'm the lucky recipient.
31:54 How long were you on the website before you found each other?
32:00 Well, let me think. I was on the website but not really
32:06 active and once I really decided to go, like me and my mom
32:11 went together and I actually saw him like right away you know
32:17 like it didn't take long at all. So that was pretty interesting.
32:20 Actually when she first got on the website she didn't have
32:23 a profile picture, so she was really trying not to be seen by the
32:28 folks on there. I was under cover. Ha ha ha
32:34 As the story goes she comes across my profile and then
32:39 I think her mom and sister had urged her in order for him to
32:43 notice you, you have to put a profile picture on and so she
32:47 heeded that advice and put her picture on and then she essentially
32:52 reached out to me to just let me know she was here and that she
32:57 had noticed me and then from there, my journey on this site
33:00 was I was on there a couple of weeks. I wasn't on there for
33:03 long. Just so I could be clear I live in Riverside and so my
33:10 radius was only 25 miles.
33:15 You weren't trying to get a long distance relationship
33:17 you wanted somebody right there. So when she reached out to me
33:24 and I saw her, I saw on there that it said Netherlands.
33:27 At that time I wasn't aware that it was Netherlands Antilles
33:29 which is where she's from, the Caribbean, Curacao.
33:32 And I said, Oh man, Lord. As soon as I saw her I knew that
33:38 that was the one for me. I knew that she was going to be my wife
33:41 and that's where my future was going to be with her.
33:44 And I'm like how are we going to get through this barrier?
33:47 Across oceans, so I just trust that the Lord would see it
33:52 through and I just subscribed right then and there cause I
33:54 didn't have a subscription and trust that once I got on there
33:59 we would communicate and everything would work out.
34:01 And what were you looking for in a companion?
34:04 Essentially I was looking for the same kinda things that she
34:09 myself with, someone that I could communicate with, being
34:13 a marriage and family therapist you know, having that degree
34:17 and training I look for certain things specifically like someone
34:21 who's high in communication who's able to relate to various
34:25 things that I'm particularly interested in and I felt like
34:29 when I saw her profile I knew she could meet those needs
34:33 and so I felt confident that this was gonna be it for me.
34:36 Yes, and the funny thing is that when I read what he wrote
34:40 when I read what he wrote about himself, I was like Wow!
34:45 and when I read what he wrote about what he was looking for
34:48 I was like Uh, he's describing me.
34:55 I was like shocked, I was like what is this? You know, so
35:00 Weren't you going to delete your profile?
35:04 Oh yes, I was just about to delete my profile. Before
35:08 she had reached out to me. Wow. I was gonna delete my profile
35:12 Maybe the next day. I was gonna delete my profile. So I really
35:16 feel the Lord had His hands all over. Oh yes. You might not be
35:19 sitting here today if you had deleted your profile.
35:22 That's true, That's true. It's amazing to me how God brings
35:27 people together and this was a Christian website. Uh huh.
35:30 So you didn't go on any website You went on a Christian website
35:34 and you found each other. You have a very interesting dynamic
35:40 to what you guys particularly did and I'd like it if you would
35:46 to share a little bit of that the boundaries that you set
35:49 because we've had some other guests on a program that we have
35:53 called Pure Choices and they have done similar things. Talk a
35:57 little bit about the boundaries you set up within your courtship
36:01 Okay. Well I know when we first started dating, I'm sorry
36:07 courting each other one of the things I liked about how she
36:11 approached the whole thing was I feel like I had to earn
36:15 every aspect of the courtship. We essentially graduated from
36:20 the various points of our court ship where we first started on
36:24 the website and then I wanted to see more of her and then
36:27 we went to social media and then connected there and then
36:31 from there I was able to connect with her where we had calls
36:36 on line where we could see each other and then from there we
36:38 started talkin on the phone more to where about 9 months of
36:43 having really long intense conversations we decided that
36:46 it was time for us to meet each other. You didn't meet for
36:49 9 months? For 9 months. Wow. And how far apart were you?
36:55 From where I live and where she lives, it's about 3100 miles
36:59 Oh. And so, ok. I wanted to say something about that
37:03 That's one of the benefits of online dating, the only thing
37:06 you can do is communicate. So you will find out, if you know,
37:11 you can if that person is interesting enough, if you can
37:15 engage for a long time, you know that was definitely one of the
37:21 great benefits. Because imagine if he'd be too boring or if I
37:27 were boring, you know you can't fake that. You can't fake being
37:32 someone on the phone for 4 hours you know what I mean? So it has
37:35 to feel natural. So if you can do that for month after month
37:40 after month and it keeps growing so it's a good sign. And for me
37:45 I through our communication I just knew that she was the quality
37:49 person you know she comes from a good family, good stock
37:53 and I wanted to make sure ah ha ha ha
38:03 And the thing that I liked about her was I knew that you know
38:08 sometimes as guys you meet people you think to yourself
38:12 ok well this person really can't sustain me in a certain way
38:16 and I maybe able to get away with certain things but with her
38:19 I never thought I could get away with anything because I know
38:23 she wouldn't allow for that. But what's more significant
38:26 for me is I did not want to do any of those things you know
38:30 with her because I value her that much. And so even when
38:33 we met one of the things that I did was, we met halfway
38:36 because that was our first time meeting together so I wanted to
38:39 make sure I was cognizant of that, I made sure we had a
38:43 suite where I put her in her own room and I had my own room
38:46 so various things we did from the outset where we said ok
38:49 we're going to be respectful of one another and we're going
38:52 to take this thing slowly and we're going to make sure God is
38:56 in the midst of everything we're doing because we feel like
38:59 this is something special at the end of the road for us and we
39:03 want to be able to have that full blessing.
39:04 That's beautiful. Amen. So how long did you court before you
39:07 got married? About two years. About two years, yeah.
39:11 Very nice, look how happy they are. Ha ha ha
39:17 And both of them have Masters degrees. Both of them.
39:22 I've been calling them the Power Couple.
39:26 I love it, that's great. And the funny thing is, uh
39:30 my girlfriend Tiffany, she lives in California too knows some
39:36 someone named Vania who met her husband online, online dating
39:42 ok but it's not this one, it's not this one. Oh that's funny
39:45 That's funny. What are the chances, right?
39:48 It worked for you guys, it worked for the other Vania
39:53 I know you guys know that when you do things God's way
39:58 He blesses. That's just the truth. When you honor God
40:04 He honors that and so I'm really thankful for your example
40:11 and so glad you were here this season. Thank you.
40:15 Miles, Hello! ha ha ha
40:19 Miles has that quiet kinda, dry kinda, he's funny very funny
40:25 Tell us a little bit about why you came to Road to Romance
40:29 Well it all started earlier in the Spring, my grandmother
40:34 she wanted to come up to Illinois to see her boyfriend
40:38 actually your father, my dad ha ha ha ha
40:48 My dad is still on the Road to Romance. So my grandmother
40:52 and your father have been courting for some time
40:56 Yes. So I was a good grandson and decided to drive up here so
41:00 she can see him. During that time I wanted to give them some
41:03 space to do their thing, well don't make it sound like
41:11 Give them space, yeah give them space some privacy so I you know
41:19 Ok come on Jason. Ok
41:23 So they can communicate a lot right? They're best when they
41:28 see each other face to face. So I decided to take a tour of 3ABN
41:33 and you two and I heard about the show and it sounded
41:38 intriguing because personally I haven't been in a serious
41:41 relationship in my 20s or any thing like that so as I'm gettin
41:45 older and getting more closer to Christ and I'm looking
41:49 forward to being in a serious relationship, in a God-fearing
41:53 relationship finding someone that I can love and still be
41:58 equally yoked. So when I heard about this show and everything
42:01 that it was about as a person who isn't XX I'm up for
42:07 adventures and random things so I decided, you know what let's
42:11 give this a shot let me at least come here and meet some
42:14 great people and learn about love and everything it has to
42:18 offer. So that's what's goin on with me. Aww that's great!
42:21 What did you learn about yourself?
42:24 Uh I learned about myself that there are some things that are
42:29 I knew but it was just confirmation as far as like
42:33 being adaptable to things, just generally even with my family
42:38 my friends, like everybody has differences that they may have
42:43 right, but I'm easily more willing to meet them halfway
42:48 or like not necessarily be a follower but kinda adapt to
42:53 a situation, so that was just a confirmation in itself
42:56 and I learned about a social personality and your personality
43:03 in a relationship. Like socially I'm like this little butterfly
43:08 that's kinda goin around makin people laugh and everything but
43:11 in a relationship I'm more of I use less words, more reserved
43:17 the fact that I'm just around that particular person is enough
43:21 for me so those are some of the things that I knew about
43:24 myself but had opportunity to put a name and information to it
43:30 So ladies if you're at home and you're watching this program
43:33 call in to 555-Miles. Ha ha ha ha
43:48 I got you, I got you Miles. I appreciate it.
43:52 What did you two learn as a couple?
43:57 Well I learned a lot of things that can make our marriage
44:02 stronger. Like for example, conflict resolution, about
44:06 adaptability. You know like put things in perspective.
44:09 And how to guard our relationship, you know how to be
44:13 aware that hormones have a mind of their own you can't really
44:19 control them so you need to be very intentional about what
44:22 you do. Yeah, I guess I learned a lot. I just love the XY theory
44:31 I was going to say the same thing because we had actually seen
44:34 in a workshop with Dr. Jacob and it just blew my mind, WOW
44:41 relate to other people and engage with them a couple times
44:48 since and then coming here I thought I had learned just
44:52 about everything I could learn and it took me to another level
44:56 You know learning how to grow as individuals and then also
45:01 the things that we say. Even though we don't know the damage
45:06 that it does, it can really be damaging and we need to be
45:09 very cognizant of being complementary to each other.
45:13 To each other, especially when one has a shortcoming in an area
45:16 to try to support them and help them grow and develop and to
45:20 just uplift each other and so those are some of the things
45:22 that I've gotten. Yes, and it's amazing how you connect science
45:26 you know with the whole relationship thing so I think
45:30 that's very interesting. Connect what? Science. Oh science.
45:37 I think Y types would enjoy the show too! Not only the X types
45:44 For me the program is so interesting because you talk to
45:49 singles, you talk to married couples you know and you're
45:53 able to show them if they're single what to look for,
45:58 if they're married how to resolve and so many people need
46:02 to hear that and that's what we're about on Dare to Dream
46:05 really building up the family and really showing how
46:09 relationships can, with God at the center, relationship can
46:14 work and the Lord wants us to be informed. He wants us to have
46:19 information. Without that, without vision people perish.
46:25 So you need to be able to see what's going on, you need to be
46:30 able to apply these things in your relationship.
46:33 Or in the relationship you wanna have, making yourself a better
46:37 person. Yeah. So Dr. Jacob, when you were putting this together
46:42 did you have "AHA moments" as you were working? All the time.
46:47 Tell us about that as you were putting together the XY theory
46:51 the hormones, all that stuff. yeah. I stumbled on this.
46:56 Because of my parents. I was raised in a Christian home
47:01 we were raised Catholic and we were converted to Adventism
47:05 and so at that time my parents were having a lot of conflict
47:10 in marriage even prior to us becoming Adventist Christians.
47:14 And so we were very excited because we thought we found
47:19 the truth everything is going to be ok. And it was for about
47:24 3 years. And so I left home, at that time Trinidad and I came
47:28 to Loma Linda and I got into Theology Program. I got my first
47:33 degree in Theology and I was very excited. By the time I was
47:38 finished with the program I got a phone call from my mom who
47:41 said, you know, our honeymoon is over. The honeymoon is over.
47:45 She said I don't know what happened but we're arguing
47:49 again, we're fighting again. And I said, how could this be?
47:52 I mean you guys they did love each other I mean they never
47:57 got divorced. They stayed together for almost 50 years.
48:00 Loved each other and they loved God. At that time my father
48:04 was the first elder in the church, my mom was the head
48:06 superintendent. They were doing everything that they could
48:09 possibly do and so I felt something is missing, a piece
48:14 to this puzzle that is missing. And so my graduate degrees then
48:19 were in psychology. Did a Master's degree in Psychology
48:22 Counseling and then I did a PhD in psychology.
48:24 Because I wanted to find out what is it that they're not doin
48:28 What's going on? So I started to observe a lot. As I'm doing
48:33 my doctorate I'm looking at them, observing them trying to
48:36 figure it out and then it occurred to me that they had
48:39 completely opposite personalities. Because I would
48:44 listen to the arguments. And the arguments weren't about anything
48:46 spiritual. The arguments were about needs. She kept complaining
48:52 She told him one time, you know what I might as well be living
48:56 in a museum, because it's so quiet. You don't talk.
49:02 You have nothing to say and I might as well be a piece in a
49:04 museum. And then he responded and said, what is there to talk
49:09 about? I know everything there is to know about you.
49:11 Oh, Awww. I know, right?
49:14 Sounds a little mean but now that I understand the XY theory
49:17 I get what he's trying to say. As a Y type he's saying
49:20 everything is functional. Communication should serve a
49:22 function. So if I know what I need to know, there's no need to
49:25 just ask you again so you could tell me one more time.
49:28 And that's what he meant and that was my first Eureka moment
49:31 I was like Ohhh. So everybody thinks that communication
49:36 how you communicate, your style and intimacy, whether you need
49:42 romance, or whether you need roses or whatever and it seems
49:46 to me what she's complaining about is quantity. How much.
49:51 She wasn't getting how much she needed and so I thought OK
49:55 so this is different. So I had to come up with a way to
49:59 operationalize it and so I called it XY theory.
50:02 It started off with just communication cause that's all
50:05 they complained about, communication.
50:07 My mom's intimacy score was not like through the roof.
50:10 You know she could do with a little less.
50:11 So I didn't notice it. But once I started applying it to other
50:14 people and trying to see how it worked out in the community
50:17 A lot of people were complaining that they felt the same way with
50:20 intimacy. So that was my second moment. And so I put it together
50:24 and it became XY theory. And then of course being the
50:29 scientifically minded person that I am, I wanted to find out
50:32 why? why do some people have little need and some people have
50:37 a lot of need? What that turned out to be was the hormones
50:41 The hormones were the driving force. Wow. You know one of the
50:46 things that was so fascinating to me is that intra-uterally
50:50 your personality is determined within the womb.
50:55 That is mind boggling to me. So if that fetus is surrounded
51:02 by a lot of testosterone, tell us what the effect is.
51:05 Right. That was not my discovery but I was glad that it wasn't.
51:11 Something needs to be discovered by something else, for it to
51:14 you know have some kind of value And so this was Cambridge
51:17 This is a professor in Cambridge that was looking for a way to
51:20 predict autism. And he thought that if he could show that there
51:25 was something prenatally surrounding the fetus that was
51:29 actually causing it he would be able to identify and predict
51:32 which kids would be born with autism and which would be ok.
51:37 And so that's what he was doing. He got his 500 babies and
51:41 he tested them, got permission from the moms to go, you know
51:46 amniocentesis and he found that ones that had a lot of
51:50 testosterone surrounding them turned out to be the babies that
51:54 well he had names for them, he didn't call them XY cause we
51:56 had never met you know. So he called them systemizers and
52:00 empathizers. So the ones who would talk a lot and need a lot
52:03 of intimacy he called them empathizers and he found that
52:07 they had less testosterone surrounding them prenatally
52:12 So when I share that with some people they ask was it my fault?
52:17 Was it my fault? Did I eat something wrong? No, not at all
52:21 Because guess what? The fetus is the one that's secreting
52:25 the testosterone around itself. Hmmm, wow, yeah.
52:29 So the fetus has the testosterone or the estrogen
52:35 surrounding that around itself so it has nothing to do with
52:38 what the mother ate or what she didn't eat. They still don't
52:42 know why a fetus will surround itself with a lot or little
52:46 but the fact is it sets the personality, sets the need for
52:51 intimacy and communication. Once again he was not trying
52:53 to prove my theory. Right. He was just trying to look for
52:57 his cure for autism but he just happened to choose the same
53:00 variables that I found for causing havoc in relationships
53:04 So once I saw that I put those two pieces together
53:07 and realized that the relationship was being formed
53:10 right then. Now what about if a mother is stressed and stuff
53:15 all the time. How does that impact the baby in the womb?
53:17 In a different way. Not with communication and intimacy but
53:21 it causes the child to grow up to be a more anxious child
53:25 Well a lot of women don't know that so they actually predispose
53:32 the child to perhaps one day need to go and see a therapist.
53:36 Or need medication just to control that anxiety.
53:41 So that's prenatal exposure. Wow, I'm glad you
53:46 I don't know, I'm trying to remember, how was it?
53:49 I wasn't really anxious or anything, Praise the Lord.
53:52 You kicked me out after 9 months
54:01 So the hormones then determine the personality of the child
54:07 even within the womb and once the child is born and the
54:12 all the familial interaction going on how does that then
54:20 how do hormones interact with that? How do hormones impact
54:26 after birth? after birth. Ok after birth you have a lot of
54:30 brain growth, you know and you have a lot of physical growth
54:35 the next time the hormones play a role with regard to the
54:39 relationship is in puberty. Anytime you have a lot of
54:43 hormones there is always a rewiring of the brain
54:47 reconfiguration of the brain. So puberty is the next time you
54:50 students, well kids, children find out that they have
54:57 specific needs. It is actually the best time.
54:59 Now you as a parent, you probably would've known
55:01 that Jason would be a talker. You probably knew that all along
55:05 I doubt that he just came into his own and started talking
55:08 at whatever age he is now. I mean tell me if I'm wrong, but
55:12 basically the same scientist in Cambridge, he kept following
55:15 the kids at 2 years, 4 years 8 years and 12 and he realized
55:19 that they were always talkers but they had certain needs
55:23 but in puberty your brain is reconfigured and also again
55:26 when you start to date it rewires the brain once again
55:30 because of the rush of hormones that's coursing through.
55:33 It's amazing to me how God has wired us, how He has put us
55:39 together. I mean to me it's just incredible.
55:44 Within the womb and outside. And that's why when people try
55:48 and say that and talk about evolution and all that,
55:52 it's like do you not see how intricate we've been designed
55:56 and everything. I can't believe our time is, I know where did
56:00 the time go? This has been so good. If you want to see more
56:04 you have to tune in to Road to Romance this season
56:08 Thank you so much. Thank you for having us. God bless
56:12 Make sure that you tune in because these programs
56:15 are going to be so enlightening you're going to learn more
56:19 about our guests here, you're going to learn more about
56:22 the hormones, the connection you're going to hear about the
56:26 5 Cs, the 5 Ps. We won't tell you what that is.
56:29 You're gonna hear about all of these things. And you're gonna
56:32 learn how to flow in your relationship.
56:36 So make sure you tune in you don't want to miss it.


Revised 2016-10-11