Participants: Jason Bradley (Host), Yvonne Lewis (Host), Bianca Acosta, Dr.John Jacob, Jeremiah Dieujuste, Miles Rashad, Sean Brereton, Vania Dieujuste
Series Code: UBR
Program Code: UBR000191A
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00:01 The road to romance can be a challenging one. Stay tuned
00:04 to find out how to make it a little bit easier. 00:06 My name is Jason Bradley and you're watching Urban Report. 00:32 Hello and Welcome to Urban Report. I had the privilege of 00:35 interviewing the cast from "Road to Romance" on their 00:38 set with my Mom, Yvonne Lewis. Let's see what they had to say 00:43 As you know I love to go on the sets of our different programs 00:48 from Dare to Dream and Jason and I are here on the set of 00:52 Road to Romance. Hey J. Hi Ma Good to have you here, yeah! 00:57 We're on the set of Road to Romance with the host, doctor 01:01 and the team from this season's Road to Romance, so let's go 01:05 around and have you introduce yourselves and tell us 01:09 where you're from. Let's start with you Dr. Jacob. Where 01:11 are you from? Loma Linda, CA. Great. I'm Bianca Acosta and I'm 01:17 from Rancho Cucamonga, in CA as well. 01:20 I'm Shawn Berrotin and I'm from Brooklyn, New York 01:23 I'm Vania Dieujuste. I'm originally from Curacao 01:27 but I live in Riverside, California. 01:28 I'm Jeremiah Dieujuste and I live in Riverside, CA, as well. 01:32 I'm Miles Rashad originally from Los Angeles, California 01:35 but I live in Huntsville, Alabama. 01:37 Alright. We have a pretty good representation here, right? 01:40 There's a couple people from California here, uh huh 01:46 California, New York and Alabama so we've got quite a bit of 01:50 representation here. So let's find out from Dr. Jacob. How did 01:54 you go about finding this Season's group of candidates? 02:00 Well I got a lot of help. We've got a website XYtheory.com 02:04 and we advertized and had a lot of people respond that way 02:08 and then word of mouth. I think a lot of people got 02:12 the newsletter that you sent out and they contacted us and 02:16 it was quite a process and here we are. 02:20 Yes, this is so good. So in the future if someone wants to be 02:27 a link there that directs them you know on what they should do 02:35 where they should go. There's also a phone number they can 02:37 can call directly if they wanna talk to someone and get some 02:41 direct immediate feedback. Good, good. Tell us a little bit 02:45 about the xy theory so that people who are not familiar with 02:50 Road to Romance or that theory can know what it's all about. 02:54 Right. Probably about 10 years ago which probably dates me, but 03:00 about 10 years ago I started noticing that in spite of our 03:04 best efforts with regard to spirituality, I noticed that 03:08 a lot of couples were struggling to make it in the relationship 03:12 to make it in the marriages, so we felt that there was something 03:16 in addition to spiritual factors that might be contributing to 03:20 to all of the distress that couples were having. 03:22 So we took a look at the psychology and we found that 03:25 people were matching themselves up to others who were uh opposite 03:31 in personality type and they had no idea that personality 03:36 was causing problems in spite of their best spiritual efforts. 03:40 So I decided to create a test called the xy personality test 03:44 and this test will allow you to do one of two things 03:46 If you're single it will allow you to find out if the person 03:49 that you're interested in will be a match inside of the 03:53 relationship before you go on the first date. 03:56 Before you contact that person at all. You don't have to waste 03:59 any time. You don't have to go to a restaurant, you don't have 04:02 to spend money on a meal if you don't want to. It's appealing 04:05 to some people before you spend any money you can find out 04:08 You don't have to go to anywhere at all, the park wherever you go 04:12 and you can take the test, you can do it remotely. Person can 04:16 be in the UK, could be in Russia and it will tell you, ok this 04:20 person, if you were to get together with this person 04:23 somewhere down the road you will find that you guys are opposites 04:28 that should never have attached, never have been 04:31 Now how do you pop that question to somebody, how do you just 04:37 say, you know I want to go out with you I want you to take this 04:42 test first. I mean how do you go about doing that? That's a 04:45 good question, since I had to pilot test it. Ha ha ha 04:50 I know what works and what absolutely doesn't 04:52 You should absolutely not say it's a personality test. 04:56 You shouldn't. You should probably choose a restaurant 05:00 where there's a long waiting list and you're there for like 05:04 at least half an hour, maybe 20 minutes and then you say 05:06 Hey let's pass the time. I have a friend that created this test 05:10 It's a fun test you know, it's on the internet, it's all over 05:13 it's just a fun thing to pass the time and you take the test 05:16 on the phone to show that you're not afraid of the test yourself. 05:19 and you pass the phone on to them and they can go on there 05:22 and take the test. The questions are non intrusive, nothing 05:26 personal, they're not going to ask anything about boyfriends 05:28 and all of that. They ask some really strange questions 05:31 they might ask you something like 'do you enjoy going fishing 05:34 and on the basis of that answer we'll be able to make some 05:38 guesses you know about what your personality type is. So 05:41 they will have no clue as long as you don't say this test is 05:45 going to determine whether or not we have a second date. 05:47 Ha ha ah. You don't say that. You are fine. ha ha ha ha 05:51 This test determines whether or not you ever hear from me again 05:55 Again, right? Hahaha. Determines whether or not I'm going to 05:58 stick around till that bill comes. Oh hahahaha 06:08 That's really interesting to me because the test, the way you 06:13 set it up is it lets you know who that person is in the 06:18 relationship. Right. So everyone puts their best foot forward 06:23 during the dating process but you don't really know who that 06:27 person is until you marry them perhaps and then you're in there 06:33 it's too late. I'm glad you mentioned that because there's 06:36 also the hormones that are involved that cause people to 06:39 put up a front, so to speak and unpack that, tell us about that. 06:47 To let a lot of people off the hook it's not always a malicious 06:50 act. I know some people send a deed representative and they 06:54 know full well that this is not who they are. But there are 06:58 others who mean well and they're just tryin to put their best 07:01 foot forward, so we have about 8 hormones that are related to 07:05 relationships and those hormones actually work in our favor to 07:09 enable us to make this match happen. Some of them are 07:14 blinding hormones. So they blind you to the faults of the person 07:18 that you're trying to get with. Ah it's like the honeymoon phase 07:21 exactly! And it can do it for quite a while. Most people 07:24 believe it could do it for about almost two years. 07:26 So if you decided I will save myself by dating a long time 07:30 long enough to find out who this individual is, it might not be 07:34 long enough. So the hormones are responsible for that, and 07:37 hormones are responsible for most of the feelings that you 07:39 feel when you're dating like the butterflies in the stomach. 07:41 There are specific hormones for that. They're also responsible 07:44 for who you choose. If you're likely to choose someone that 07:47 with a high-powered career over someone let's say just you know 07:52 is just concerned about character let's say, 07:54 a hormone's actually responsible for that choice as well. 07:57 Hmm, yes so they run the show. 08:00 And if you have no idea what they are and how to control them 08:05 then you find yourself saddled five years in a marriage 08:09 that your little 8 hormones took you to. It's pretty serious 08:14 It's helpful to know about them Hmm hmm. Yeah 08:18 So the X is then, you know the XY theory. You developed this 08:23 theory, right? So the X is, describe what they are like 08:28 and describe what YX are like. 08:30 X types in general, X really means high 08:33 Y means low. So a lot of folks hear it and they think that I'm 08:38 talking about chromosomes. Yeah right. It's just coincidental. 08:42 So X meaning high in anything. High in communication 08:48 high in your need for intimacy. So the 2 pillars, the 2 main 08:52 pillars, the core-communication and intimacy, so if you have a 08:56 high need for each of those you'll be considered an X, X 08:59 So one would be communication and the other would be intimacy 09:02 If you are a Y,Y you have a low need for each of those. 09:05 We've also gone on and added to those two so now we have a 09:11 total of 4. And the reason for that is, we've always known that 09:14 they existed but we chose to start off simply so that people 09:18 you know can grasp the concept. The first one is adaptability 09:22 that we added and adaptability simply means, I know I have to 09:26 make adjustments, unless you're marrying your twin 09:29 ah ha ha ha. You're going to find someone that is a little 09:32 different from you, raised in a different place, raised by 09:34 different parents and different parenting style 09:36 probably a different part of the country and you are gonna 09:40 have to make adjustments. But what we found is that 09:42 one personality type finds those adjustments more difficult 09:47 to make than the other. So the test now includes information 09:51 to let you know, well Jason may love you but he has a really 09:57 hard time changing some things. He has a hard time 10:00 being flexible. Hmm. So if you love Jason you need to 10:06 keep in mind that you will be the one making the changes 10:08 not him. Wow! So the test lets you know ahead of time 10:13 And keep in mind that that is a completely. Ha ha 10:17 Right, right. So if you're an X and you're involved with a Y 10:23 then know that you are the one that's gonna have to make 10:26 most of the compromises. yeah. Because the Y is not going to 10:30 compromise. The X type generally and there are exceptions 10:33 which is why the test comes in really handy because 10:36 if there were no exceptions we wouldn't need a test we'll just 10:39 say, you know. So the X types generally do what I call the 10:43 heavy lifting in the relationship. 10:45 They do the maintenance. If it were not for X types there were 10:50 a lot of relationships and marriages that would've failed 10:52 we wouldn't have a divorce rate at 50%, it'd be like 85% 10:55 Wow! They serve a good purpose because you know let's face it 11:00 we don't have 50% Xs and 50% YX you know what I'm saying 11:03 we have more like, when it comes to men we have about 25% of 11:07 men that are X types which I call X-men or X type men 11:11 because they're in such low supply I think if women knew 11:17 about X men they would be rushing out there and you know 11:19 asking what's your type, what's your personality type? 11:22 Because Y type men they have their advantages, they're the 11:28 strong, silent type. If you want someone that doesn't get 11:32 easily ruffled, if you know that you're a worry wart, you worry 11:36 easily you'd want to be with someone that's more of a Y type 11:39 quality because they'll keep you grounded, but that flip side 11:44 is that they also because they are so grounded they're not 11:48 going to be very flexible. Hmm So it's also about what you want 11:52 There are some folks out there who would prefer to be with 11:55 someone, that you know is the strong, silent somewhat 11:59 inflexible type, there are those that want that. So the test 12:02 allows you to pretty much pick and choose. You can choose to 12:05 be with somebody more like you which of course is what 12:08 I recommend, or you can choose to be with someone that has 12:12 a few traits different, you know from yours just so that you 12:17 could balance out some other things about your personality 12:19 Now what about the popular saying Opposites Attract? 12:25 Right, yeah. How does that come into play with the XY 12:28 Even with the XY theory it's exactly the same 12:30 Opposites attract. But what I say is in XY theory, opposites 12:34 are attractive but not adhesive Hmmm 12:37 So. Wow! Yeah. You could get in you could get in but you have no 12:44 guarantee that you'd be able to be bonded enough to make 12:49 a lifetime of it. Longevity! Yeah. Right, exactly. 12:53 No guarantee for longevity. We also have a 4th dimension 12:58 it's a conflict resolution piece which we call 13:00 inter-activity and again what that means is, you're not 13:04 marrying your twin so you are going to find someone 13:06 who, number 1 you have to make adjustments to be with and, 13:10 in spite of that you're still gonna have times when you 13:13 cannot resolve issues. Uh huh. So we know that about 70-73% 13:18 of all conflicts, all arguments are not resolvable. 13:23 Yes 70-73% of all arguments are really not solvable. 13:29 So what happens is someone has to say you know what? 13:33 Let's do it your way, let's do it your way. 13:37 Then if you're an X and you're with a Y most of the time 13:39 it's going to be X. Yes, if you're an X it's going to be you 13:43 Down to everything, the timing of everything, if you're single 13:47 like most of my friends here the X type will not be the one who 13:51 determines when they get married. It'll be the Y 13:54 Because the X will be like let's do it now. Ha ha ha 13:58 But the Y will be like, no let's save some money 14:00 I told you I need to have $500,000 in the bank 14:03 Haha ha before we make this move you know. So conflict 14:07 resolution, but even with that we're finding that we have to be 14:11 able to predict what type of conflict resolution you are more 14:15 comfortable with because you have to be able to be matched 14:18 even in that. Now either you believe that you want to resolve 14:22 conflict quickly or you would prefer to process. So we have 14:25 those processors that need some time and sometimes they're not 14:29 just processing, they're really angry and they need time to 14:33 cool down but still the point is you have two groups 14:36 those who need time and those that want it right away. 14:40 And so we have to match, the algorithm has to match those who 14:44 want to resolve it right away with people who want to resolve 14:46 it right away. Because you put those two people together 14:50 you know, you have let me take a week to never 14:53 to resolve it and let me do it right away and when you put 14:56 those two people together that's a recipe for disaster. 15:00 Right, right. Because the time tables are so different. Yeah 15:05 One person is anxious to get it settled and the other one is 15:09 like, look I can't talk about it right now. Yeah. Just give me a 15:14 little time. And so if you can't find some kind of resolution 15:20 to that dissonance then you're going to implode. Yeah. 15:26 Like that's just not gonna work. We really had to work on this 15:29 piece because what we found is both sides suffer from anxiety 15:34 or they experience anxiety when they're pushed, so if you are 15:39 what we call a distancer, meaning that you like to put 15:42 some distance between you and any conflict you feel some 15:46 anxiety when your partner is pursuing you for resolution 15:51 If you keep backing up then your partner that is coming 15:56 after you to resolve it also experiences a rising cortisol 15:59 which means both of you are experiencing serious anxiety 16:03 over the one issue because you want to resolve them 16:05 in a different time frame. Hmm so how do you resolve that? 16:10 When you have two totally different timetables? 16:13 And I know you talk about that on the program, but just give us 16:17 the synopsis. Of course for my young singles here I tell them 16:20 that this is resolved by staying away from someone like that 16:22 Ha ha ha. If you haven't already married them don't marry them. 16:28 Yeah. That's what you're saying Yes, it's the hardest thing 16:31 It's a personality and it's the hardest thing to change. 16:34 It's a combination of what you're given genetically 16:37 in the womb, along with years of parenting. And by the time 16:42 your significant other meets you it's a pretty done deal. 16:46 It's a done deal. It's very difficult, it's not impossible 16:49 but it's difficult to change so for them, clean slate 16:53 let us do the hard work for you. We have the algorithm 16:57 The test is free and you can take the test and it will tell 17:00 you exactly who to be matched with. But for couples 17:03 it's a compromise. I mean they absolutely must compromise 17:06 we've had couples that we've worked with where one person 17:11 really wanted, and we can measure, we can actually tell 17:13 you what your timeframe is so one guy in particular, 5 minutes 17:19 he needed resolution in 5 minutes, like right now. He 17:25 exactly what that was. His wife, she needed 24 hours 17:32 And so they had to compromise and the compromise was, ok 17:36 we'll try to get it done before sunset, so we try to get it 17:40 done within the day. Nice! He understood that he'll feel 17:43 anxiety from the moment it happened until the end of day 17:46 Right. and she understood that she's going to feel some anxiety 17:49 herself because she'd prefer to do it the next day. 17:52 For a lot of people when they sleep their brain continues to 17:56 process the information so that very often they wake up 17:59 almost with a Eureka moment. Oh wow, ok I think I know what 18:03 we need to do. Well you would rob that person of that and it's 18:07 just a part of the compromise is what they're going to have to 18:09 let go. But that's what it is. Anything else is probably 18:13 not going to work. Wow. That is so interesting to me. 18:17 Because couples are individuals that are put together 18:21 and you have to know how to "BE" with that person. Right. 18:25 And so if you're, what're you gonna say? It's so important 18:29 to be able to maintain your individuality, mmm exactly 18:33 in that relationship as well. But the Bible nailed it when 18:38 it said you need to be equally yoked. That's in every aspect. 18:43 Spirituality to just being on the same page with conflict 18:48 resolution, all of those things because if you're not 18:52 you know there's going to be some issues and that longevity 18:55 might not be. Yeah. I'm glad you mentioned that, we do 18:59 measure that as well because when the Bible says that 19:01 I think the Bible was referring more to spiritual intimacy, 19:04 so we have intimacy as a piece but we found a way to 19:07 measure spiritual intimacy. Oh how? Well the algorithm's going 19:11 to do it but what we found is especially within our faith 19:16 we have more categories and strata of believers, More levels 19:22 than almost any other religion. Really? What are some of the 19:25 levels. Ok, just in terms of belief we have conservatives 19:29 ultra conservatives, moderates, liberals, ultra liberals 19:32 just on that level alone. Wow. You don't want to put an 19:37 ultra conservative with an ultra liberal. Ha ha ha. Both going to 19:43 the same heaven, both serving the same Lord. But they don't 19:47 think they're both going ha ha ha and both should be 19:51 in the same narrow path that Jesus talked about, right? 19:53 No they're on the same road but they don't see each other at all 19:56 Not at all. Not on that path. So we try to, the algorithm can 20:01 match you up with someone that is in the same, you know, level 20:06 the same degree that you're in I'm not talking about degree of 20:09 spirituality but difference of belief. So now wait, are you 20:12 talking about, we know about the test, are you saying 20:15 that you also have on this website you also have a kind of 20:19 dating. Yes, we have a dating website that is finished. 20:24 Oh. But not launched. Yeah because we would like quite 20:29 a few people to go on there and familiarize themselves 20:31 with the test. Get to know that their personality type is. 20:34 That's the big problem. A lot of people are going out there 20:36 dating, marrying, but they have no idea who they are which 20:40 means they have no idea what they need. Right. 20:42 So our first goal for several months, we're going to do this 20:45 for several months, have the test on there for free. Anyone 20:48 can go on there, find out what you're all about, find out 20:51 you know, find out who you are and maybe 2-3 months later 20:55 then we'll actually launch the dating website and we will do 20:58 the algorithm in the background we'll do all of that for you 21:01 I mean if you put a vegan with someone who eats meat but 21:06 they decided you know what, I'm not going to deal with the 21:10 unclean meat but I'll you know you're gonna have problems 21:14 They're gonna have problems. And even though they go to the 21:16 same church and serve the same Lord it's going to be a problem. 21:20 So, and this is just to give you an idea in just within our faith 21:24 so we have a lot of information we don't ask a lot of questions 21:28 but we get a lot of information, and we try to take the guess work 21:32 out of it for folks and we also try to take the hard work 21:35 because listen, the world has become quite complex 21:37 Yes. And we try to make it easy for you because nobody wants to 21:41 go and do a calculus. You don't want to do calculus to be dating 21:45 Feel like you're doing a math test to be dating. You just want 21:49 to go in there and you want someone else to do it for you 21:51 We're like the big match maker except we feel that we do it 21:54 more accurately than anyone else. Love this. This is 21:58 incredible, isn't it? So first you have the test and then 22:02 you have the dating site. Yeah And then we have the dating site 22:06 And then as soon as that is launched then we launch the Apps 22:10 because the Apps have a lot of work to do, I mean there are 22:14 people who will not go on a dating website. Still about 22:18 at least 25-35% of the people that are single that you talk to 22:24 will never go on a website. So we have to create Apps and bring 22:29 what we have to them. Hmm. So down the road, down the road 22:34 not too far down, we're talking about maybe the Fall, if one of 22:38 your colleagues walked into this room right now and we were all 22:43 single, his phone will go off and will let him know who here 22:48 he is matched up with. And it wouldn't matter whether 22:51 guy to girl though, right? Not guy to guy? Ha ha ha...No! 22:58 I had to say that, no absolutely not! Because the current 23:02 environment that we're in, yeah we just want to make it clear 23:05 No, this would be the wrong web site. And we have age grouping 23:12 too right? Well everything. A good website is supposed to 23:16 group you according to the demographic that you want. 23:19 If you want a certain age group if you're 20 something and you 23:23 like 60 something old man we're not going to deny you 23:26 that's your right if you want an older man that's up to you 23:32 Ha ha ha ha. Interesting interesting. I had to get 23:36 a response. Or if you wanted somebody from New York 23:39 while you live in California you know you shouldn't be 23:42 denied that right. Or from Alabama. Right. Or from Alabama 23:50 We have to make sure you get whatever you want. 23:52 Thank you for all the help! 23:55 Anything I can do to help. 23:57 But wherever you go, anywhere you walked into a store we 24:02 want to convert every area every space, every building 24:08 every jobsite, every hangout joint to a place where someone 24:14 can meet somebody that they're well matched with. Wow! 24:18 You know we're not going into clubs, in other words that's not 24:23 our scene. Right. But I feel for those people as well and I 24:28 think that if I could help even them when you know that 24:32 they're going to hook up with this person here and that person 24:34 there, if I could help even them to be well matched, because 24:37 our goal, the goal of the Jacob Research Institute is to reduce 24:41 marital distress and reduce divorce rate. Across the country 24:47 Christian or non-Christian, people are suffering and 24:51 you suffer the same whether you are Christian or non-Christian 24:54 so wherever you are and whatever you're doing our goal is to 24:57 match you with someone who's going to give you best chance 25:01 of having longevity in your marriage. Hmmm it's good. 25:05 Bianca what did you get from being on Road to Romance? 25:10 It was good to see, I guess, get confirmation and some insight 25:16 I see some things that I knew about myself and then kinda 25:21 understanding, Oh so that's why, you know that makes sense 25:25 you know this thing that I learned about myself 25:28 so things like that and a lot of other things that people 25:33 would see if they watch the program. 25:35 Ha ha ha. Good. For sure. What about you Shawn? What'd you get? 25:39 Well, I guess a better understanding of how I interact 25:43 you know, in a relationship. Something that kinda stood out 25:49 was the soft science. You know these are things to look out for 25:52 when interacting with someone and I know that I'm an X 25:58 Well an XX and that's also good to know because I don't wanna 26:03 have any type of personality incompatibility with someone, so 26:09 And your journey has been pretty interesting like we know 26:13 We'll come back to Bianca because we didn't find out 26:16 what you've been doing and I do want to know that 26:19 But you have written a book and you have really focused on 26:24 brokenness. Talk a little bit about your book and what you're 26:27 you're doing. And how you came to write it. 26:30 Ok, well. What's the name of it? This book is the most beautiful 26:35 arrangement on brokenness. And it's a short story where I share 26:41 an experience that I was in where I was, I was prayerful 26:47 in a situation where I felt I was being led by God to pursue 26:52 someone and I missed a couple of red flags because of this 26:58 little hormone that I learned about called Dopamine and I 27:05 That's the thing it happens to the best of us, it happens 27:07 you could search through the Scriptures and you could see how 27:10 the enemy would use a lot of these same situations with 27:14 men and women, you know. Yeah I was led to prayerfully, 27:21 again because I was prayerfully thinking that someone was the 27:23 right match for me when the dopamine and all of these 27:27 other things deceived me you know and I, the relationship 27:34 didn't go anywhere and we weren't actually in a 27:36 relationship but the whole point is that you know the person 27:41 wasn't able to love me because they were "broken" they weren't 27:47 ready to love. Had she just gotten out of a bad relationship 27:51 or something. Yes. So she wasn't emotionally ready to get into 27:56 anything else, is that right? Exactly. And that's a cycle that 27:58 I asked God to use me to help people to understand that 28:02 this is a cycle that must break and it's nothing new to me, 28:06 I was too that broken person, and I jumped into another 28:10 relationship, it's termed rebound relationship 28:14 and you know you can never really heal by trying to 28:18 break somebody else, you know so to speak. 28:21 You know it's an ugly cycle and I want God to use me to reach 28:25 as many people to help them to see all of these signs before 28:28 they get into a bad situation and they walk around hating the 28:33 world you know, hating God and hating the opposite sex. 28:38 Uh huh. It's hard to have a relationship where someone 28:44 brings baggage from previous relationships in it because 28:48 then it's almost like you're paying for someone else's 28:50 mistakes and your relationship will never be successful. 28:54 Exactly. It's crazy because we went to Oakwood together 28:59 we didn't really hang out back in the day but we would always 29:02 see each other and now we're coming together. You are on the 29:05 Road to Romance and now we're talking about you and your book 29:08 it's just amazing to see you, the growth in you spiritually 29:13 and all that as well. Praise God Likewise with you. I appreciate 29:16 that. No problem. God is good It's amazing to me how He brings 29:22 people together. Because to me all of you were divinely 29:27 ordained to be on this program and to be here at this time 29:32 Bianca I just want to come back to you for a moment. OK. Because 29:35 you are doing something really interesting. Tell us what you're 29:38 doing. Well I am getting ready to take my State Boards 29:43 I'm a veterinarian and I love taking care of God's creatures 29:49 and being able to help owners learn how best to take care 29:55 of their pets and themselves too because really like a lot of 29:59 people don't understand how much health in the animal kingdom can 30:04 impact human health. Hmm. And it's really important to take 30:09 care of both. And also I mean I've mentioned this to them 30:15 before but, half jokingly, half seriously that some of the first 30:20 jobs that God gave us was gardener and zoo keeper 30:24 So I mean He wants us to be able to take care of the gifts that 30:27 He's given us and that's the way I feel called to do that. 30:31 That's great. Thank you. Now, our married couple here 30:37 for this season on Road to Romance tell us how you guys met 30:40 Vania you start. Well, we met on line. Ha ha ha. 30:49 Yes, we're one of the couples that decided to, you know 30:55 think out of the box and see, like check all the online 31:00 options and for me it was more like, I knew what I wanted 31:05 and I really knew what I was able to offer and I wanted to 31:11 I wanted that to be appreciated and yes, I was willing to just 31:16 explore the options because I knew that the person that I 31:19 wanted was hard to find, so 31:22 What was it you wanted? Well I wanted someone that is able to 31:28 communicate well and that I can be myself with, that can be 31:34 playful. You know someone that has great humor and that is 31:40 intelligent and yet we can be best friends, so those are a 31:45 few things that I truly wanted and found in him. 31:50 I'm the lucky recipient. 31:54 How long were you on the website before you found each other? 32:00 Well, let me think. I was on the website but not really 32:06 active and once I really decided to go, like me and my mom 32:11 went together and I actually saw him like right away you know 32:17 like it didn't take long at all. So that was pretty interesting. 32:20 Actually when she first got on the website she didn't have 32:23 a profile picture, so she was really trying not to be seen by the 32:28 folks on there. I was under cover. Ha ha ha 32:34 As the story goes she comes across my profile and then 32:39 I think her mom and sister had urged her in order for him to 32:43 notice you, you have to put a profile picture on and so she 32:47 heeded that advice and put her picture on and then she essentially 32:52 reached out to me to just let me know she was here and that she 32:57 had noticed me and then from there, my journey on this site 33:00 was I was on there a couple of weeks. I wasn't on there for 33:03 long. Just so I could be clear I live in Riverside and so my 33:10 radius was only 25 miles. 33:15 You weren't trying to get a long distance relationship 33:17 you wanted somebody right there. So when she reached out to me 33:24 and I saw her, I saw on there that it said Netherlands. 33:27 At that time I wasn't aware that it was Netherlands Antilles 33:29 which is where she's from, the Caribbean, Curacao. 33:32 And I said, Oh man, Lord. As soon as I saw her I knew that 33:38 that was the one for me. I knew that she was going to be my wife 33:41 and that's where my future was going to be with her. 33:44 And I'm like how are we going to get through this barrier? 33:47 Across oceans, so I just trust that the Lord would see it 33:52 through and I just subscribed right then and there cause I 33:54 didn't have a subscription and trust that once I got on there 33:59 we would communicate and everything would work out. 34:01 And what were you looking for in a companion? 34:04 Essentially I was looking for the same kinda things that she 34:09 myself with, someone that I could communicate with, being 34:13 a marriage and family therapist you know, having that degree 34:17 and training I look for certain things specifically like someone 34:21 who's high in communication who's able to relate to various 34:25 things that I'm particularly interested in and I felt like 34:29 when I saw her profile I knew she could meet those needs 34:33 and so I felt confident that this was gonna be it for me. 34:36 Yes, and the funny thing is that when I read what he wrote 34:40 when I read what he wrote about himself, I was like Wow! 34:45 and when I read what he wrote about what he was looking for 34:48 I was like Uh, he's describing me. 34:55 I was like shocked, I was like what is this? You know, so 35:00 Weren't you going to delete your profile? 35:04 Oh yes, I was just about to delete my profile. Before 35:08 she had reached out to me. Wow. I was gonna delete my profile 35:12 Maybe the next day. I was gonna delete my profile. So I really 35:16 feel the Lord had His hands all over. Oh yes. You might not be 35:19 sitting here today if you had deleted your profile. 35:22 That's true, That's true. It's amazing to me how God brings 35:27 people together and this was a Christian website. Uh huh. 35:30 So you didn't go on any website You went on a Christian website 35:34 and you found each other. You have a very interesting dynamic 35:40 to what you guys particularly did and I'd like it if you would 35:46 to share a little bit of that the boundaries that you set 35:49 because we've had some other guests on a program that we have 35:53 called Pure Choices and they have done similar things. Talk a 35:57 little bit about the boundaries you set up within your courtship 36:01 Okay. Well I know when we first started dating, I'm sorry 36:07 courting each other one of the things I liked about how she 36:11 approached the whole thing was I feel like I had to earn 36:15 every aspect of the courtship. We essentially graduated from 36:20 the various points of our court ship where we first started on 36:24 the website and then I wanted to see more of her and then 36:27 we went to social media and then connected there and then 36:31 from there I was able to connect with her where we had calls 36:36 on line where we could see each other and then from there we 36:38 started talkin on the phone more to where about 9 months of 36:43 having really long intense conversations we decided that 36:46 it was time for us to meet each other. You didn't meet for 36:49 9 months? For 9 months. Wow. And how far apart were you? 36:55 From where I live and where she lives, it's about 3100 miles 36:59 Oh. And so, ok. I wanted to say something about that 37:03 That's one of the benefits of online dating, the only thing 37:06 you can do is communicate. So you will find out, if you know, 37:11 you can if that person is interesting enough, if you can 37:15 engage for a long time, you know that was definitely one of the 37:21 great benefits. Because imagine if he'd be too boring or if I 37:27 were boring, you know you can't fake that. You can't fake being 37:32 someone on the phone for 4 hours you know what I mean? So it has 37:35 to feel natural. So if you can do that for month after month 37:40 after month and it keeps growing so it's a good sign. And for me 37:45 I through our communication I just knew that she was the quality 37:49 person you know she comes from a good family, good stock 37:53 and I wanted to make sure ah ha ha ha 38:03 And the thing that I liked about her was I knew that you know 38:08 sometimes as guys you meet people you think to yourself 38:12 ok well this person really can't sustain me in a certain way 38:16 and I maybe able to get away with certain things but with her 38:19 I never thought I could get away with anything because I know 38:23 she wouldn't allow for that. But what's more significant 38:26 for me is I did not want to do any of those things you know 38:30 with her because I value her that much. And so even when 38:33 we met one of the things that I did was, we met halfway 38:36 because that was our first time meeting together so I wanted to 38:39 make sure I was cognizant of that, I made sure we had a 38:43 suite where I put her in her own room and I had my own room 38:46 so various things we did from the outset where we said ok 38:49 we're going to be respectful of one another and we're going 38:52 to take this thing slowly and we're going to make sure God is 38:56 in the midst of everything we're doing because we feel like 38:59 this is something special at the end of the road for us and we 39:03 want to be able to have that full blessing. 39:04 That's beautiful. Amen. So how long did you court before you 39:07 got married? About two years. About two years, yeah. 39:11 Very nice, look how happy they are. Ha ha ha 39:17 And both of them have Masters degrees. Both of them. 39:22 I've been calling them the Power Couple. 39:26 I love it, that's great. And the funny thing is, uh 39:30 my girlfriend Tiffany, she lives in California too knows some 39:36 someone named Vania who met her husband online, online dating 39:42 ok but it's not this one, it's not this one. Oh that's funny 39:45 That's funny. What are the chances, right? 39:48 It worked for you guys, it worked for the other Vania 39:53 I know you guys know that when you do things God's way 39:58 He blesses. That's just the truth. When you honor God 40:04 He honors that and so I'm really thankful for your example 40:11 and so glad you were here this season. Thank you. 40:15 Miles, Hello! ha ha ha 40:19 Miles has that quiet kinda, dry kinda, he's funny very funny 40:25 Tell us a little bit about why you came to Road to Romance 40:29 Well it all started earlier in the Spring, my grandmother 40:34 she wanted to come up to Illinois to see her boyfriend 40:38 actually your father, my dad ha ha ha ha 40:48 My dad is still on the Road to Romance. So my grandmother 40:52 and your father have been courting for some time 40:56 Yes. So I was a good grandson and decided to drive up here so 41:00 she can see him. During that time I wanted to give them some 41:03 space to do their thing, well don't make it sound like 41:11 Give them space, yeah give them space some privacy so I you know 41:19 Ok come on Jason. Ok 41:23 So they can communicate a lot right? They're best when they 41:28 see each other face to face. So I decided to take a tour of 3ABN 41:33 and you two and I heard about the show and it sounded 41:38 intriguing because personally I haven't been in a serious 41:41 relationship in my 20s or any thing like that so as I'm gettin 41:45 older and getting more closer to Christ and I'm looking 41:49 forward to being in a serious relationship, in a God-fearing 41:53 relationship finding someone that I can love and still be 41:58 equally yoked. So when I heard about this show and everything 42:01 that it was about as a person who isn't XX I'm up for 42:07 adventures and random things so I decided, you know what let's 42:11 give this a shot let me at least come here and meet some 42:14 great people and learn about love and everything it has to 42:18 offer. So that's what's goin on with me. Aww that's great! 42:21 What did you learn about yourself? 42:24 Uh I learned about myself that there are some things that are 42:29 I knew but it was just confirmation as far as like 42:33 being adaptable to things, just generally even with my family 42:38 my friends, like everybody has differences that they may have 42:43 right, but I'm easily more willing to meet them halfway 42:48 or like not necessarily be a follower but kinda adapt to 42:53 a situation, so that was just a confirmation in itself 42:56 and I learned about a social personality and your personality 43:03 in a relationship. Like socially I'm like this little butterfly 43:08 that's kinda goin around makin people laugh and everything but 43:11 in a relationship I'm more of I use less words, more reserved 43:17 the fact that I'm just around that particular person is enough 43:21 for me so those are some of the things that I knew about 43:24 myself but had opportunity to put a name and information to it 43:30 So ladies if you're at home and you're watching this program 43:33 call in to 555-Miles. Ha ha ha ha 43:48 I got you, I got you Miles. I appreciate it. 43:52 What did you two learn as a couple? 43:57 Well I learned a lot of things that can make our marriage 44:02 stronger. Like for example, conflict resolution, about 44:06 adaptability. You know like put things in perspective. 44:09 And how to guard our relationship, you know how to be 44:13 aware that hormones have a mind of their own you can't really 44:19 control them so you need to be very intentional about what 44:22 you do. Yeah, I guess I learned a lot. I just love the XY theory 44:31 I was going to say the same thing because we had actually seen 44:34 in a workshop with Dr. Jacob and it just blew my mind, WOW 44:41 relate to other people and engage with them a couple times 44:48 since and then coming here I thought I had learned just 44:52 about everything I could learn and it took me to another level 44:56 You know learning how to grow as individuals and then also 45:01 the things that we say. Even though we don't know the damage 45:06 that it does, it can really be damaging and we need to be 45:09 very cognizant of being complementary to each other. 45:13 To each other, especially when one has a shortcoming in an area 45:16 to try to support them and help them grow and develop and to 45:20 just uplift each other and so those are some of the things 45:22 that I've gotten. Yes, and it's amazing how you connect science 45:26 you know with the whole relationship thing so I think 45:30 that's very interesting. Connect what? Science. Oh science. 45:37 I think Y types would enjoy the show too! Not only the X types 45:44 For me the program is so interesting because you talk to 45:49 singles, you talk to married couples you know and you're 45:53 able to show them if they're single what to look for, 45:58 if they're married how to resolve and so many people need 46:02 to hear that and that's what we're about on Dare to Dream 46:05 really building up the family and really showing how 46:09 relationships can, with God at the center, relationship can 46:14 work and the Lord wants us to be informed. He wants us to have 46:19 information. Without that, without vision people perish. 46:25 So you need to be able to see what's going on, you need to be 46:30 able to apply these things in your relationship. 46:33 Or in the relationship you wanna have, making yourself a better 46:37 person. Yeah. So Dr. Jacob, when you were putting this together 46:42 did you have "AHA moments" as you were working? All the time. 46:47 Tell us about that as you were putting together the XY theory 46:51 the hormones, all that stuff. yeah. I stumbled on this. 46:56 Because of my parents. I was raised in a Christian home 47:01 we were raised Catholic and we were converted to Adventism 47:05 and so at that time my parents were having a lot of conflict 47:10 in marriage even prior to us becoming Adventist Christians. 47:14 And so we were very excited because we thought we found 47:19 the truth everything is going to be ok. And it was for about 47:24 3 years. And so I left home, at that time Trinidad and I came 47:28 to Loma Linda and I got into Theology Program. I got my first 47:33 degree in Theology and I was very excited. By the time I was 47:38 finished with the program I got a phone call from my mom who 47:41 said, you know, our honeymoon is over. The honeymoon is over. 47:45 She said I don't know what happened but we're arguing 47:49 again, we're fighting again. And I said, how could this be? 47:52 I mean you guys they did love each other I mean they never 47:57 got divorced. They stayed together for almost 50 years. 48:00 Loved each other and they loved God. At that time my father 48:04 was the first elder in the church, my mom was the head 48:06 superintendent. They were doing everything that they could 48:09 possibly do and so I felt something is missing, a piece 48:14 to this puzzle that is missing. And so my graduate degrees then 48:19 were in psychology. Did a Master's degree in Psychology 48:22 Counseling and then I did a PhD in psychology. 48:24 Because I wanted to find out what is it that they're not doin 48:28 What's going on? So I started to observe a lot. As I'm doing 48:33 my doctorate I'm looking at them, observing them trying to 48:36 figure it out and then it occurred to me that they had 48:39 completely opposite personalities. Because I would 48:44 listen to the arguments. And the arguments weren't about anything 48:46 spiritual. The arguments were about needs. She kept complaining 48:52 She told him one time, you know what I might as well be living 48:56 in a museum, because it's so quiet. You don't talk. 49:02 You have nothing to say and I might as well be a piece in a 49:04 museum. And then he responded and said, what is there to talk 49:09 about? I know everything there is to know about you. 49:11 Oh, Awww. I know, right? 49:14 Sounds a little mean but now that I understand the XY theory 49:17 I get what he's trying to say. As a Y type he's saying 49:20 everything is functional. Communication should serve a 49:22 function. So if I know what I need to know, there's no need to 49:25 just ask you again so you could tell me one more time. 49:28 And that's what he meant and that was my first Eureka moment 49:31 I was like Ohhh. So everybody thinks that communication 49:36 how you communicate, your style and intimacy, whether you need 49:42 romance, or whether you need roses or whatever and it seems 49:46 to me what she's complaining about is quantity. How much. 49:51 She wasn't getting how much she needed and so I thought OK 49:55 so this is different. So I had to come up with a way to 49:59 operationalize it and so I called it XY theory. 50:02 It started off with just communication cause that's all 50:05 they complained about, communication. 50:07 My mom's intimacy score was not like through the roof. 50:10 You know she could do with a little less. 50:11 So I didn't notice it. But once I started applying it to other 50:14 people and trying to see how it worked out in the community 50:17 A lot of people were complaining that they felt the same way with 50:20 intimacy. So that was my second moment. And so I put it together 50:24 and it became XY theory. And then of course being the 50:29 scientifically minded person that I am, I wanted to find out 50:32 why? why do some people have little need and some people have 50:37 a lot of need? What that turned out to be was the hormones 50:41 The hormones were the driving force. Wow. You know one of the 50:46 things that was so fascinating to me is that intra-uterally 50:50 your personality is determined within the womb. 50:55 That is mind boggling to me. So if that fetus is surrounded 51:02 by a lot of testosterone, tell us what the effect is. 51:05 Right. That was not my discovery but I was glad that it wasn't. 51:11 Something needs to be discovered by something else, for it to 51:14 you know have some kind of value And so this was Cambridge 51:17 This is a professor in Cambridge that was looking for a way to 51:20 predict autism. And he thought that if he could show that there 51:25 was something prenatally surrounding the fetus that was 51:29 actually causing it he would be able to identify and predict 51:32 which kids would be born with autism and which would be ok. 51:37 And so that's what he was doing. He got his 500 babies and 51:41 he tested them, got permission from the moms to go, you know 51:46 amniocentesis and he found that ones that had a lot of 51:50 testosterone surrounding them turned out to be the babies that 51:54 well he had names for them, he didn't call them XY cause we 51:56 had never met you know. So he called them systemizers and 52:00 empathizers. So the ones who would talk a lot and need a lot 52:03 of intimacy he called them empathizers and he found that 52:07 they had less testosterone surrounding them prenatally 52:12 So when I share that with some people they ask was it my fault? 52:17 Was it my fault? Did I eat something wrong? No, not at all 52:21 Because guess what? The fetus is the one that's secreting 52:25 the testosterone around itself. Hmmm, wow, yeah. 52:29 So the fetus has the testosterone or the estrogen 52:35 surrounding that around itself so it has nothing to do with 52:38 what the mother ate or what she didn't eat. They still don't 52:42 know why a fetus will surround itself with a lot or little 52:46 but the fact is it sets the personality, sets the need for 52:51 intimacy and communication. Once again he was not trying 52:53 to prove my theory. Right. He was just trying to look for 52:57 his cure for autism but he just happened to choose the same 53:00 variables that I found for causing havoc in relationships 53:04 So once I saw that I put those two pieces together 53:07 and realized that the relationship was being formed 53:10 right then. Now what about if a mother is stressed and stuff 53:15 all the time. How does that impact the baby in the womb? 53:17 In a different way. Not with communication and intimacy but 53:21 it causes the child to grow up to be a more anxious child 53:25 Well a lot of women don't know that so they actually predispose 53:32 the child to perhaps one day need to go and see a therapist. 53:36 Or need medication just to control that anxiety. 53:41 So that's prenatal exposure. Wow, I'm glad you 53:46 I don't know, I'm trying to remember, how was it? 53:49 I wasn't really anxious or anything, Praise the Lord. 53:52 You kicked me out after 9 months 54:01 So the hormones then determine the personality of the child 54:07 even within the womb and once the child is born and the 54:12 all the familial interaction going on how does that then 54:20 how do hormones interact with that? How do hormones impact 54:26 after birth? after birth. Ok after birth you have a lot of 54:30 brain growth, you know and you have a lot of physical growth 54:35 the next time the hormones play a role with regard to the 54:39 relationship is in puberty. Anytime you have a lot of 54:43 hormones there is always a rewiring of the brain 54:47 reconfiguration of the brain. So puberty is the next time you 54:50 students, well kids, children find out that they have 54:57 specific needs. It is actually the best time. 54:59 Now you as a parent, you probably would've known 55:01 that Jason would be a talker. You probably knew that all along 55:05 I doubt that he just came into his own and started talking 55:08 at whatever age he is now. I mean tell me if I'm wrong, but 55:12 basically the same scientist in Cambridge, he kept following 55:15 the kids at 2 years, 4 years 8 years and 12 and he realized 55:19 that they were always talkers but they had certain needs 55:23 but in puberty your brain is reconfigured and also again 55:26 when you start to date it rewires the brain once again 55:30 because of the rush of hormones that's coursing through. 55:33 It's amazing to me how God has wired us, how He has put us 55:39 together. I mean to me it's just incredible. 55:44 Within the womb and outside. And that's why when people try 55:48 and say that and talk about evolution and all that, 55:52 it's like do you not see how intricate we've been designed 55:56 and everything. I can't believe our time is, I know where did 56:00 the time go? This has been so good. If you want to see more 56:04 you have to tune in to Road to Romance this season 56:08 Thank you so much. Thank you for having us. God bless 56:12 Make sure that you tune in because these programs 56:15 are going to be so enlightening you're going to learn more 56:19 about our guests here, you're going to learn more about 56:22 the hormones, the connection you're going to hear about the 56:26 5 Cs, the 5 Ps. We won't tell you what that is. 56:29 You're gonna hear about all of these things. And you're gonna 56:32 learn how to flow in your relationship. 56:36 So make sure you tune in you don't want to miss it. |
Revised 2016-10-11