Participants: , Lecia Marr-Bromley, Shelley Chatmon Hall
Series Code: UBR
Program Code: UBR000223A
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00:01 Do you have elderly people that you care about?
00:03 Do you know someone with dementia? 00:06 Are you concerned about having it yourself 00:08 or wonder what the symptoms are? 00:10 Well, stay tuned to meet two women 00:12 who can address those concerns and more. 00:15 My name is Yvonne Lewis 00:16 and you're watching Urban Report. 00:42 Hello and welcome to Urban Report. 00:44 My guests today are Shelley Chatmon Hall, 00:47 speaker and author 00:49 of "Dad's Got Dementia, Life After Diagnoses". 00:52 And Lecia Marr-Bromley, Director of SDA Elderly Care. 00:57 Welcome to Urban Report, my dear sisters. 00:59 Thank you for having us. Thank you for having us. 01:01 Absolutely, absolutely, 01:03 this is such an important topic 01:06 and one of the things that I'm so impressed about 01:09 is that not only do both of you 01:12 bring information about dementia 01:15 but you've also had firsthand experience with it. 01:20 Talk to us about your journey with dementia. 01:23 Let's start with you, Shelley. Sure. 01:25 So my father was diagnosed with dementia in 2010. 01:30 And what lead to his diagnosis were multiple things. 01:36 One of them including losing money, 01:38 large amounts of money, 01:40 a house that the note was not being paid, 01:44 cars not being paid for, and other incidents, 01:49 other health issues that brought on the diagnosis. 01:52 So stress can bring on dementia? 01:55 It can, yes. 01:58 That was not his issue, his issue was brought on... 02:01 He has vascular dementia which is a blood supply issue. 02:07 So he was having mini strokes and those go undetected 02:11 and so it eventually built up to 02:13 where it was affecting his memory. 02:15 Wow. 02:17 And so how did that impact the family? 02:19 When you first found out about his diagnosis, 02:24 was he in an advance state? 02:27 Where was he? 02:28 And how did that impact your family? 02:30 Well, first I would say that 02:32 just hearing the diagnosis was devastating. 02:36 We... I have... 02:38 there are five siblings 02:39 and we really had to kick it into high gear. 02:43 Because when he received the diagnosis, 02:47 that's where all of the bills 02:49 and all of those things were going awry 02:51 so we had to kick in a number of different resources 02:55 to try to put the pieces back together. 02:58 So we had to look at his health and what was going on there. 03:01 We had to look at he and my mother's finances 03:04 and what was going on there. 03:06 And we also had to relocate my parents 03:09 so that they could be closer to us, 03:11 not really knowing at that time what we were in store for. 03:17 And we're gonna come back and find out more. 03:19 What about you, Lecia, 03:20 what's been your experience with them? 03:22 Yes, my mother's had it for about, 03:24 had dementia for about eight years. 03:28 But that also to add is that she also had a stroke as well. 03:33 And during that time we started noticing things 03:37 that just was not right. 03:40 She started... 03:42 She usually loves to be in the kitchen and cook 03:45 and then after a while 03:47 she didn't know where things went. 03:49 She didn't know, remember to turn the stove off, 03:54 she went to the bathroom 03:56 and would leave the water running. 03:58 We started... 03:59 Then we started realizing that there is something wrong here 04:02 that Mom needs to get checked. 04:05 So when we did they found, they told us 04:08 that she was diagnosed with dementia. 04:11 And, of course, like she also had the mini strokes 04:15 and we did not know at that time 04:17 that she had those strokes. 04:20 So it became a life adjustment for not just for her 04:25 but for her children as well. 04:28 'Cause then we were in a position as to say 04:32 "Okay, Mom can't be alone 04:34 she's gonna need someone in the home with her." 04:36 And that starts a whole another process. 04:40 It's so interesting, isn't it? 04:42 How when we're young our parents take care of us 04:46 and then when we get older we have to take care of them? 04:51 At least if you're, you know, a good, good child that you, 04:56 you want to take care of your family member. 05:01 In my own family, my grandmother had dementia. 05:08 And it's unsettling 05:10 because the person that they were 05:13 they begin to exhibit other things 05:16 and so you begin to feel like, 05:18 "Oh, wow, this is, okay, I have to deal with this," 05:22 each thing you just have to adjust to. 05:26 So it's not just what you are saying 05:29 is essentially it's not just the person 05:32 that has dementia 05:33 that has to do a lot of adjustment, 05:35 it's also the family 05:36 because that person becomes different. 05:41 What kinds of things did you notice differently 05:43 in your dad? 05:45 Well, my father is he still is a, he's a big man, 05:50 he's just a big man. 05:52 And he's always been able to walk into a room 05:56 and just kind of command the room 05:58 not doing anything extra but just his demeanor. 06:02 And what I started to notice was that 06:04 he had some childlike behaviors that just started surfacing, 06:09 whether it was a giggle 06:11 or I mean it was just totally out of character for him. 06:15 So those are some of the things that were really 06:17 while it was harmless it was really just unsettling 06:21 because I had never seen that in him, 06:24 he was always a strong person, a strong figure. 06:29 So to see that was, you know, 06:32 at the least just very unsettling. 06:35 Yeah. 06:36 And you already shared some of the things 06:37 your mom was doing, leaving the water on, 06:39 and not cooking like she was, is there anything else? 06:42 Yes, she became withdrawn. 06:46 Withdrawn. 06:47 She was in her own personal world. 06:51 She was not as outgoing as she used to be, 06:54 she's in a crowd 06:56 she doesn't participate in conversations. 07:01 She just quietly withdrew. 07:04 It changes the personality of the person. 07:09 It just really, it changes them significantly. 07:14 What's the difference between dementia and Alzheimer's? 07:17 Well, that that's actually an excellent question 07:20 and while I am not a medical professional, 07:22 I've learned a whole lot. 07:24 And dementia is actually, there is an umbrella 07:28 if we had an illustration. 07:30 Dementia is just that's what they call 07:33 all of these symptoms that affect the memory. 07:37 So, Alzheimer's actually falls under the umbrella of dementia 07:42 as does vascular dementia 07:44 or other types of memory issues. 07:48 So there could be alcohol induced dementia 07:51 things along those lines. 07:53 And you said your dad had vascular? 07:55 He has vascular 07:56 which is blood flow, blood supply. 07:59 And he had the strokes so they were related? 08:03 Right. 08:05 What led you to write the book? 08:07 Tell us about your book. 08:08 So, this book actually it started with me vlogging 08:14 and I would vlog 08:15 which is a video with some type. 08:18 So I've vlogged a lot, it was therapeutic, 08:22 plus a lot of people were asking 08:24 about how my father was doing. 08:26 So I felt like that would be a good way for me 08:28 to show them how he's doing 08:30 and to give a few tips along the way. 08:33 Well, I started receiving different inbox messages 08:38 about other individuals 08:40 who were going through the same thing. 08:42 And so I would answer those questions 08:45 as best I could, 08:47 and then I decided, "You know what? 08:49 I think it would be a good idea just to put it on paper 08:52 so that other people can benefit." 08:55 And initially we had to go through a lot of research, 09:00 we had to figure things out by trial and error, 09:03 and I just felt like it would be good 09:04 if someone could just pick up a quick easy read 09:08 and get the answers. 09:09 And it is just that I read it and it is excellent. 09:14 It's got all little points in it. 09:16 It talks about what you went through with your dad 09:20 and then things to look for. 09:22 Right. 09:23 So let's talk about from the beginning. 09:26 Like, once you found out you say that, 09:30 once you got the diagnosis. 09:33 How did you and your family go into high gear? 09:35 What did you do? 09:37 Well, it was totally unplanned this high gear thing 09:40 that we went into, 09:42 but we really had to address what we knew. 09:45 We knew that he had dementia 09:48 he was not being treated in any way for dementia 09:52 so we had to look at his medical. 09:54 What did we need to take over medically 09:57 and who did we need to get him in touch with, 10:00 from a medical community perspective. 10:03 So we looked at the medical side 10:05 and then we looked at financial. 10:07 Because that was a big impact, you know, his condition 10:11 it really impacted my parents' finances. 10:15 They lost their home, they lost cars 10:18 because of him not being able to pay bills. 10:23 So we took over the bills 10:25 and we got them squared away there. 10:28 Like I said, we had to relocate them 10:30 because we didn't know what was coming 10:32 but just from what we saw 10:34 we felt it would be easier to control 10:36 if we could move them closer to us so that we could help. 10:40 And we didn't even begin to think about things like, 10:43 "Okay, he won't be able to drive soon, 10:45 or should he really be driving even now." 10:48 Those were things that we discovered 10:51 once we moved them closer to us. 10:54 What about you? Yes. 10:56 What, what are some of the things 10:58 that you initially did 11:01 when you found out your mom had dementia? 11:03 Well, I had to make sure that she was eating properly 11:08 that was very important 11:11 'cause now she's not able to feed herself like she used to. 11:15 And then the activities of daily living, 11:19 we had to make sure 11:20 that she's able to dress herself, 11:23 make sure that someone's there to, 11:25 she could feed herself so that wasn't a problem, 11:28 but just to prepare the meals. 11:31 Proper hygiene you notice that, 11:33 "Okay, Mom's not brushing her teeth like she used to, 11:36 she forgot she didn't remember, you know, 11:40 when's the last time she brushed her teeth." 11:43 And that's not like my mother at all. 11:48 So there was some adjustments, 11:50 we had to make sure that we had someone there 11:53 to come into the home to make sure help her 11:56 with her daily living activities 11:58 until someone came home to stay with her at night. 12:02 And, well, actually my sister who moved in with her 12:06 so she stayed there at night, during the daytime 12:09 we had someone to come in and care for her daily needs. 12:13 So what I'm hearing is, 12:15 when you first get this diagnosis 12:19 it's really important to get the family together 12:23 to talk about a plan of action. 12:26 How are we going to help our parent continue in the, 12:33 if possible in the style to which they were accustomed 12:36 if not if that's not possible how we're gonna help them 12:39 just from day to day? 12:40 What are we gonna do? 12:42 And that's gonna be an interesting place to be 12:45 because now you've got the dynamics within the family, 12:49 you know, well, who's gonna take control? 12:51 Who's gonna be in charge? 12:53 And then the other ones might not like it so, I mean, 12:57 all of these things are things that have to be considered 13:00 I would imagine, would you agree? 13:02 Right, I would definitely agree. 13:04 That was one of the things 13:06 that we had to just come to grips with. 13:09 There are five of us, very strong personalities. 13:13 The girls think we know it all. 13:15 Where are you in the birth order? 13:17 I am second to the youngest 13:20 but probably one of the most vocal. 13:22 Okay. 13:23 So we had to come together and the girls 13:26 there are three girls and two boys, 13:28 the girls we really took the lead 13:30 and our brothers 13:31 they provide us with the support. 13:35 So we did have to come together and we just worked out a plan 13:39 of how we could tackle this thing. 13:41 And as my father continued to progress 13:44 and we needed that care that in-home care and support, 13:49 my oldest brother decided to not work 13:53 and he is a fulltime caregiver for my father during the day, 13:58 Monday through Friday, and on weekends, 14:01 we come in and help because, you know, 14:04 we work at other places and have life going on. 14:07 So we help on the weekends as well. 14:10 So it really is a challenge 14:12 but if you're not on the same page 14:14 that's when it's time to get on the same page. 14:18 What about you? 14:20 I have to say almost the same. 14:22 I'm also the second youngest in my family 14:25 and we have eight siblings. 14:28 My mother and father had eight children together. 14:31 And it came a point where I had to stop 14:37 and become a fulltime caregiver, 14:40 which I...which birthed SDA Elderly Care. 14:45 That's a good place to go into. 14:47 What is SDA Elderly Care? 14:49 Okay, SDA Elderly Care 14:52 is a referral service and a registry. 14:56 Under the registry we provide in-home care 15:01 and under the referral service 15:03 we provide starting with housing we would say 15:09 maybe 55 plus communities, affordable housing, 15:15 shared housing for seniors, empty nesters would provide 15:19 these types of homes, retires, medical staff 15:23 and social workers. 15:26 So we open that door for individuals 15:29 that may have a respite problem where they say, 15:33 "Well, you know, it can be overwhelming. 15:36 I need to have someone to take care of my mom 15:38 during the day or either, you know, 15:40 we'd have someone take care of mom in a home setting." 15:45 So and they would rent a room which is really affordable, 15:50 which includes utilities and more than likely 15:52 there is a caregiver there. 15:54 We refer to assisted living facilities, 15:56 we refer to nursing homes, 15:58 and we also refer to 55 plus communities. 16:03 See, this is wonderful 16:04 because it's like one stop shopping, right? 16:06 Yes. 16:08 So depending on what the needs are 16:10 and I would assume that you assess the need... 16:11 We do. 16:12 Whatever that need is, 16:14 then you can make the referral to either housing 16:19 or somebody coming in to the home 16:22 and caring for the person, all of that. 16:25 And how did you get to the place of starting this, 16:29 this program? 16:31 How did you get to the place? 16:32 Well, when I started researching 16:35 for help for my mom, 16:36 I realized there's a lot of help out there 16:39 but is so, it's all over the place. 16:41 Mmm. 16:42 It's nice to know that 16:44 you can come to a one stop place 16:46 because there's... 16:48 the over the years of doing this 16:50 I've built a resource, 16:52 strong resources for the elderly 16:55 where we can provide that type of services. 16:58 If you, whatever you need we are involved. 17:01 We are there to find out how we can help and assist. 17:05 I've did this because I realized that I needed help 17:09 and I know that there would be others out there 17:12 that's gonna need this type of help 17:13 and where do they go? 17:15 Wouldn't it be nice to know that 17:16 they can go to a one stop shop for seniors 17:19 to be able to find all their needs? 17:22 It's great. 17:23 And we're gonna put your website up 17:25 so that people can know how to reach you 17:27 because this is again this is a critical issue. 17:31 Where do you go? What do you do? 17:33 Like, once you get that diagnosis right, 17:36 Shelley, wouldn't it have been great to have known 17:38 about the SDA Elderly Care? 17:40 Yeah, would have been great 17:41 but we didn't have any resources 17:44 so at that point we were just, you know, 17:46 you had to research and figure it out. 17:48 Yes, and that's one of things I love about your book. 17:51 You go through the process of how to do it, 17:56 and then we can go to Lecia's programs, 18:00 SDA Elderly Care, for the actual treatment 18:03 and you are all over and you... 18:06 Our viewers need to know 18:07 you don't have to be Seventh-day Adventist 18:09 to be a part of this, correct? 18:11 Correct. 18:12 We are a nationwide service 18:14 so we provide the service across the nation. 18:17 We network with many different services 18:19 to make this happen. 18:22 Very importantly, I'd like to stress that 18:26 if a family realizes that someone is coming down 18:30 with dementia and you realize that there's a diagnosis 18:34 or maybe not even a diagnosis of dementia but forgetfulness. 18:39 So good idea, that they follow certain steps. 18:42 Oh, let's talk about that. 18:45 The steps that I'd like to stress is that, 18:48 first thing you'd want to do is 18:49 to consider maybe power of attorney. 18:54 Have someone that you would like 18:56 to take charge of your affairs 18:59 in case it does happen that you have dementia. 19:02 It helps in a family setting as well. 19:06 'Cause sometimes you want to know 19:08 who's gonna be in charge 19:09 and then you have all these chiefs 19:13 and not much Indians. 19:14 Right, right. 19:15 So it's kind of nice to know 19:17 that Mom's appointed one person. 19:21 The other list would be a list of her medications, 19:24 very important. 19:26 It's important that she writes these down 19:28 so we'll have that information. 19:30 And now you're saying to do these things before, 19:35 do them as soon as possible, 19:36 like before the dementia has been diagnosed even. 19:40 Because you do need to know, you know, 19:43 who does mom or dad want to be in charge 19:47 and what medications are they on, good, a power of attorney. 19:52 Yes. 19:53 A list of your important documents, 19:56 it helps the family. 19:59 You also want to make a list of likes and, you know, 20:03 things that you like to do, things you don't like to do. 20:06 'Cause later on, you know, 20:08 even though you may not be aware 20:11 it's important that we treat you 20:13 with dignity and respect. 20:16 That's another thing and then last of all, 20:19 two last things. 20:21 A to-do list of your daily living activities 20:26 so you can keep routine, 20:28 someone will know this is how you've lived your life, 20:31 this is what you like to do. 20:34 In cases like ours, we've got families to kind of help 20:37 along the way with this. 20:39 But what happens to those that don't have family members? 20:43 It'd be a good idea, so someone that doesn't know you 20:46 and know your activities of your daily living, 20:49 you have this all written down and last of all a living will. 20:54 Why is that important? 20:57 When you've got siblings a lot of them, 21:01 things can happen not just even if you don't have siblings, 21:06 you know, you want to know do I do you want someone 21:09 to resuscitate. 21:12 You don't want anyone to resuscitate. 21:15 Who's gonna take over who's gonna, you know, 21:18 when you divide your, your means of living 21:22 to your siblings or your spouse, you know, 21:27 you want to be able to know this is what I would want 21:29 and I would want my property to go here, 21:32 I'd like to donate it to the church, 21:35 I'd like to donate it to 3ABN, 21:38 these are important things that you want 21:40 and you really need to have in writing 21:43 so your family will not have to guess exactly 21:48 what your intentions would be. 21:50 How do you wanna be buried? 21:52 Do you want, do you wanna be cremated? 21:55 Do you wanna be buried in a certain cemetery? 21:58 Things that you would know and you only would know 22:03 that you'd want to be able to share 22:04 with someone you trust. 22:06 Oh, that's good. 22:07 What do you think about that, Shelley? 22:09 I actually loved hearing all of those steps. 22:12 They are very similar to what I wrote about, 22:15 but like you mentioned, 22:17 those are things that you don't think about 22:20 on the front end 22:22 and we really should be thinking about those. 22:24 So now, we don't really have to guess 22:28 because we are family 22:29 so we know the things my father would love to do, 22:32 things that might irritate him, so we can avoid those things. 22:37 We know he loves to be outside, 22:39 so we take him outside and for car rides 22:42 and things like that. 22:44 But just being prepared, 22:46 it just makes the whole process smoother 22:49 so you can really just focus on him. 22:51 Yes, yes, and I want to put your website up as well 22:55 because I want people to know how to get this book 22:59 and how to just walk through all of this. 23:03 How, how do you go through this journey? 23:06 You go through it step-by-step with the information 23:10 that both of you are giving to us 23:12 and it's super important. 23:15 What are some of the resources, Lecia, 23:18 what are some of the resources out there 23:21 that that you found for people around the country 23:24 different organizations that help with different things? 23:26 There's so many. 23:28 We have the United Way, there's also the Area on Aging, 23:33 very big resource. 23:36 There are many different social services 23:38 that are out there that can help. 23:41 Some people will start with different agencies. 23:46 There is so many I've got such a list, 23:48 the list goes on and on, 23:50 but the top names would probably be 23:52 the Area on Aging, 23:54 I just wish that I had a book like this 23:57 so I could, you know, read and really understand it. 24:00 I really suggest strongly that, anyone that's listening, 24:05 it's really nice to read up on it, 24:07 find out about it. 24:09 Be prepared. 24:10 It'll make your life a whole lot easier. 24:15 So the first step 24:18 with an aging parent is to do what, 24:23 the very first step that you would recommend? 24:28 even if they're not showing any signs of dementia 24:30 or even illness, is power of attorney. 24:34 She mentioned that. 24:36 Medical and financial, that is important 24:40 so that you can even navigate 24:42 when you're taking your elderly parents 24:44 to the doctor, 24:46 and also being a participant in those doctor's appointments. 24:50 Once you reach a certain age, 24:52 a lot of people are not as sharp 24:54 as they used to be 24:56 so it's always good to have that support. 24:59 And I remember once my father was diagnosed 25:02 I really started paying attention 25:04 to people around me, 25:06 and I went to my own doctor's appointment, 25:09 and I saw a husband and wife who were elderly, 25:12 and they started filling out their paperwork 25:15 to be seen by a doctor. 25:17 Meanwhile, I had gone in, I had gone to my visit, 25:21 and when I came out 25:22 they were still struggling with that paperwork. 25:25 And that just touched me because they were older 25:28 they probably did not have dementia 25:30 but they needed that support. 25:33 So those things are really, really important 25:35 just from the very beginning. 25:37 That power of attorney is critical. 25:40 The power of attorney for my dad 25:42 and I'm always asked are you the POA, 25:45 are you the POA and if once you say, 25:48 yes, they can discuss everything with you 25:50 because HIPAA laws say that, 25:53 you know, medical information can't be shared 25:56 unless you have permission. 25:58 So it's all of that that goes into it 26:01 if you don't have that POA, power of attorney. 26:05 It just saves you so much time and bureaucratic stuff. 26:10 So it's important to do. 26:14 Okay, so what do you think 26:16 are the very first steps you would take? 26:19 The very first steps is always 26:21 when you go to the doctor's office, 26:23 just as stated. 26:25 Good idea to take a pen and paper, 26:27 have your mom take a pen and paper, 26:29 and write down things. 26:31 'Cause sometimes you're not gonna remember 26:33 it's important even before you go to the office, 26:37 write down in your questions of what you want to ask, 26:40 so when you get there you'll cover all bases. 26:43 When you leave you want to also write down 26:47 what the doctors may tell you 26:49 'cause when you get home sometimes you forget, 26:53 very important. 26:54 I'd say the other step is to make sure 26:59 that you do your research, 27:01 research about assisted living facilities 27:06 if that's where you're gonna be, 27:08 you're gonna go in the future. 27:09 If your family says, you know, Mom, it looks like that we, 27:14 nowadays children is just so busy 27:16 with work growing having their own families. 27:21 It's really hard for us individuals 27:24 to be able to balance the two. 27:28 So when that time comes the first thing 27:32 that you really want to look into even, 27:33 if you're not ready for it right now, 27:37 look in to the assistant live in facilities 27:40 go and visit with them, 27:42 try to find places that you think 27:44 you'd be comfortable, 27:45 that your parents would be comfortable, 27:47 your mom or your father would be comfortable. 27:50 And then find out 27:52 if your insurance will cover for that type of services. 27:55 What types of financials are needed? 27:58 Very important those are things that we cover as well. 28:02 That is super important. 28:03 Like, how are you gonna pay for whatever it is, right? 28:07 Yes. 28:09 You're saying yes, did you have that, 28:10 did you deal with that? 28:12 We had that situation 28:13 where my father is retired military 28:15 but he's also retired from the State. 28:18 And when he was initially diagnosed 28:21 and starting to have challenges, 28:23 he had a lot of medical challenges as well. 28:26 So we started receiving in all of these medical bills 28:29 and because he's retired military, 28:32 I called the VA and the VA told me 28:34 "Well, he should have TRICARE for life" 28:37 and I said "Well, I've never even heard of that." 28:40 So it was definitely if we would have known that 28:44 we went a whole year without knowing 28:46 that he had this secondary insurance 28:48 that basically covered everything. 28:51 So we had been spending, yes, money on services 28:56 that because we just didn't know. 28:58 Right. 28:59 So, yes, if you can get that information ahead of time 29:03 and have it all listed like you said 29:05 along with the medications and all of those things, 29:08 it will really help experience be a lot smoother. 29:13 Yes. 29:14 How did your parents deal with having the dementia? 29:20 Did they realize that something was different? 29:23 Did they, how did they... 29:27 How did they deal with actually having it 29:30 and you having to take over their lives 29:33 because essentially that's what you had to do? 29:34 How did your dad deal with it? 29:37 My parent's very traditional old school, 29:41 so my mother really kept it hidden from us. 29:46 And when he was diagnosed 29:48 and after we had moved them closer, 29:52 she called one day and said that she needed help with him 29:56 and this is before things just, you know, 29:58 we saw much of anything. 30:01 And it turns out that again my father is this huge guy 30:05 and my mother is very petite and she was helping bathe him 30:10 because he was afraid of getting into the shower, 30:13 he was afraid of the water. 30:16 So she had started bathing him, and she needed help. 30:21 So he was experiencing things, she was in denial, 30:25 I remember when he was tested and my sister went with them 30:29 for the testing and the doctor said, 30:31 "I'm gonna give you three words and we're gonna come back 30:35 to those three words 30:36 after we talk about some other things". 30:38 So when they came back to the three words, 30:40 my mother was behind the doctor trying to tell my father 30:45 what those three words were. 30:48 So they had to send her out of the room briskly. 30:52 But it was hard, it was hard for her, 30:55 it was it was equally as hard for him 30:57 because he was used to taking care of the family, 31:00 and he was slipping, 31:02 and he knew that he was slipping 31:04 and there were moments of clarity, though, 31:07 where he would say what he needed to say. 31:10 And one of the things 31:12 that was really, really touching 31:13 was that he told my mother, he started crying, 31:17 he was in the bathroom started crying, 31:19 and he said, 31:21 "Kath, have I done everything I was supposed to do for you?" 31:27 And she said, "Yes, Bill, you have." 31:30 And he asked her again, 31:32 "Have I done everything I was supposed to do for you?" 31:35 Because they've been married for over 60 years and she said, 31:39 "Yes, Bill, you have. 31:40 You don't worry about a thing I've got it from here." 31:44 And that was just so, so touching. 31:47 That is so sweet. Right. 31:50 He was still being in the role. He was still concerned, right. 31:54 Yes, yes, playing the role of husband, 31:57 houseband the one who takes care of the family 32:03 and he was making sure it gets done. 32:04 He was making sure. 32:05 That is so beautiful, that is beautiful. 32:08 What about your mom? 32:10 Yeah, I, I really think that they know 32:13 when they get to that point 32:15 that something is changing in their lives. 32:19 Mom as well, let us know, well, let me know. 32:23 She said, when I would say, 32:25 "Mom, why are you doing these things?" 32:27 You know, and I didn't understand 32:29 and she would say, 32:30 "You know, this thing that I have, 32:32 it just takes you to another place." 32:35 And she, she would tell me, 32:39 you know, maybe about a year later, 32:41 you know, she would say, 32:43 "Well, I'm not gonna be around for long. 32:48 I'm just gonna be around 32:50 but I'm not gonna be here for long." 32:52 So they have a sense of what is going on 32:58 and that there is changes happening 33:01 beyond their control. 33:04 It's very important to listen, listen to them at that time. 33:10 There is changes and there's, there's messages 33:12 that they're sending to us that and now that I look back, 33:17 I realize Mom was reaching out to us 33:20 to prepare us for her changes 33:22 and what was gonna happen to her. 33:26 Listening is really important for those that have parents 33:31 when, you know, be understanding. 33:35 Don't ask mother, "Why are you doing this? 33:38 Or you can do better than that." 33:40 They really can't. 33:42 It's just a process that they're going through. 33:47 So the patience is so important with the loved one 33:51 because they are changing. 33:53 They know they are changing 33:55 and there's really nothing they can do about it. 33:57 Sometimes you're repeating yourself 33:59 over and over. 34:00 Some of these things, I'm checking myself out. 34:02 Like, I start saying like, okay, 34:06 and I'm forgetting things but anyway. 34:08 So, you know, I think we have to be patient 34:11 with those we love and make sure 34:13 that we're hearing them. 34:15 Right. 34:17 Just like you said, we have to be sure 34:18 that we're hearing them 34:20 because they will let us know different things 34:23 in their lucid moments 34:24 and they do have moments of lucidity. 34:27 Oh, they absolutely do. 34:28 And that's why probably I am just pro in homecare. 34:34 Let's talk about it. 34:36 I think there's a perception out there 34:38 that once you are diagnosed... 34:40 Once you have dementia of any kind, 34:43 that you are not the same person you were 34:46 and that's just not true. 34:48 Okay, let's unpack that words, unpack it. 34:49 That's not true. 34:51 We have been with my father over these seven years now 34:55 and as he declines there are still things 34:59 and personalities that come out 35:02 and he will even say a word just out of the blue 35:06 and one time he called me Aunt Runeale 35:10 which is his sister. 35:13 And it was like, "Dad, where did that come from 35:15 how did you know to say that?" 35:18 So you will miss those things and those times 35:23 when there are glimpses of them 35:25 and even when they have some clarity. 35:27 My father is late stage, 35:30 but he still has glimpses of his old self 35:35 and he still may say something 35:37 and he doesn't speak in complete sentences anymore, 35:40 but he may say something that tells you, 35:43 "You knew that, how did you know that?" 35:47 And so, if I feel if you just prematurely 35:52 put your loved one in a facility, 35:54 they decline faster. 35:56 They need to be around things 35:57 that are familiar to help with that memory, 36:01 and they need to see the people that they're used to seeing. 36:06 So my father can't call my name, 36:08 he always calls my older sister her name, 36:10 he still calls her name. 36:12 But he knows who I am he knows my voice, 36:14 he knows our voice and so that's so important. 36:18 So you still see your dad is still in there. 36:21 Absolutely. 36:22 It's just there are just some changes. 36:25 It's a different version but he's there. 36:29 That's good, yeah. 36:30 I like that. 36:32 It's a different version of your dad. 36:33 Right. 36:35 But he still there, it's kind of like 36:37 there was a book "Stroke of Insight" 36:41 and I read some parts of it and one of the things 36:44 that the author had, had a stroke 36:47 and she was a psychologist. 36:51 And she, she kind of documented later 36:55 what she went through and she said, 36:58 she was still in there 37:00 people would come to the hospital 37:02 and talk around her as though she wasn't there 37:06 but she was still in there. 37:08 Right. 37:10 And she could hear what they were saying 37:11 and all that and not really respond 37:15 but she was still there. 37:17 And I think that's what you're saying. 37:18 That your loved ones are still there, 37:21 that you still have to treat them 37:23 with dignity and respect, 37:25 and keep try to stimulate them mentally. 37:28 Absolutely. 37:29 Because I think that that's one of the things 37:32 with my dad that I'm seeing 37:34 that if we stimulate him mentally 37:37 we talk about things like if we started singing 37:39 like our Pastor John Lomacang, 37:42 who is also a dear friend and like a brother, 37:46 my dad was his principal. 37:47 So he would come, he comes 37:49 and Ange come to the nursing home 37:52 and they will talk to my dad and sing to him, 37:55 and he'll start singing, or he loves it, 37:58 so I think it's, it's all part of that 38:03 that whole idea of reminding them of 38:07 who they are. 38:08 Bringing them back to their... 38:10 You're nodding, do you agree? 38:11 I think what we've just stated here 38:14 is very, very important 38:16 if you don't take anything else away 38:18 just know that that person is very much there in ways, 38:24 and they will let you know 'cause if you think, 38:27 "Oh, we can put them out to Pastor," you know, 38:30 you can't really do that because they're there. 38:34 I've experienced everything 38:36 that you've just said with my mom. 38:38 And toward the end, 38:41 I can say this just to let you know 38:46 that God is actually with those throughout their life 38:51 even when they have that type of illness 38:55 and they know, they actually, 38:57 my mom was still praying which was amazing to me. 39:01 I would hear her in the middle of the night 39:03 saying her prayers. 39:06 It's just amazing to know 39:07 that the connection is still there with God, 39:10 still there with her children, 39:12 she knew every one of us, she had late stage dementia, 39:16 it's just amazing, amazing. 39:18 That's such a good point, Lecia. 39:20 I think we need to expand on that a little bit 39:22 because one thing about our God is that He is so faithful. 39:29 He is. 39:30 And the prayers of His saints 39:32 even when they can no longer cogitate 39:34 the way they once did, 39:36 even though they don't, 39:38 you know, they're not all together anymore 39:42 He's still their God, 39:43 He still hears their current prayers 39:47 and the prayers that they prayed for us, 39:51 forever. 39:52 I mean, He is still our God 39:55 and He still takes care of them. 39:58 What do you find was 40:01 or if there was a spiritual impact of dementia 40:05 you're saying, Lecia, that your mom still prayed. 40:07 What about your dad, Shelley? 40:09 So my father he doesn't speak in complete sentences anymore, 40:14 but he knows when it's time to eat 40:16 and we say a blessing, he knows to say, amen. 40:20 And sometimes when he, I love bedtimes for him. 40:24 Because when he's in bed he's relaxed 40:26 and we have to put him to bed at a certain time 40:28 he's on a schedule. 40:30 He's relaxed and he will just chatter 40:33 and say different things 40:34 and he will go into sometimes he will say, 40:38 "Thank you, Lord" 40:39 or, you know, it is like 'Dad' you know the same thing. 40:42 "How did you know?" Yeah, yeah. 40:44 So it is and we pray with him and he knows. 40:48 He is he's humbled by it, I mean, 40:50 he will close his eyes and he will say, "Yes, Lord." 40:54 And he I, I, you know, it's just in him. 40:58 So he hasn't lost it it's been a comfort for him 41:01 all of his life, 41:03 so it's a comfort to us 41:05 because we feel my father's calling and election is sure. 41:09 We know it 41:11 and so we're just keeping him comfortable for now. 41:14 Yeah. 41:15 And that's all we can do with our loved ones 41:18 that are going through it 41:20 just make them as comfortable as possible. 41:21 Right. 41:23 Surround them with people that they love, 41:25 continue to read to them, and talk to them, 41:28 and sing to them. 41:29 Yeah, that's another point that is very, very well, 41:33 I need to address, singing. 41:36 They have just discovered that singing songs 41:40 for the dementia and Alzheimer's 41:42 is very important. 41:44 They did a test and they wanted to see 41:47 how these individuals would respond. 41:50 These were patients that where non responsive. 41:54 And when they put the headsets over their ear 41:57 and turned on familiar music from back 42:01 when they were young and they heard that music 42:04 they respond and some where even trying to sing the words. 42:08 I have to say music plays a very good part in healing 42:14 and progress I'd say of those 42:18 that have dementia. 42:21 My mother did the last thing 42:23 I wanted to say is before she died, 42:26 the morning that she woke up she looked really puzzled. 42:32 Like something... The morning for death? 42:33 Yes. 42:35 She looked like something was bothering her 42:38 or maybe she wanted to say something 42:41 and I looked at her and I said, 42:44 "Mom, why worry when you can pray?" 42:47 Those were her own words that she would say to us. 42:51 And she kind of looked like 42:53 she really understood even though 42:55 she wasn't verbally expressive and then something told me 43:02 "No, you need to not work this morning 43:05 you need to spend time with her." 43:07 And I did. 43:09 The amazing thing was is that 43:12 I started reading Bible scripture 43:17 that she knew, just short ones, 43:19 'cause I know their attention span is quite short. 43:22 And then I started singing and playing her music 43:25 that she liked over the iPad, 43:30 and I told her that a day is gonna come 43:32 when she can walk and not get weary, 43:36 she shall run, she will run and not faint, 43:39 and she was just so happy to hear 43:43 that everything was gonna be made new again. 43:46 I told her, "Mom, you're gonna be made new again. 43:49 We're gonna be there together, 43:51 we'll be able to see each other." 43:52 She was so excited to know 43:55 that there's hope that this is not the end, 43:59 that she's got a better life awaiting her. 44:03 And it sort of brought joy to her 44:06 and comfort not only to her, 44:08 to me to see the look on her face, 44:11 to see the smile that she had on her face, 44:13 and the amazing thing is that she just stared at me like 44:16 she really knew that what I was saying, 44:20 I just thank God that I had that moment 44:23 to have that morning worship with her, 44:26 to have that personal time with her 44:29 to make her lift her spirits. 44:32 Yes. 44:33 I gave her hope for another day and to let her know I said, 44:37 "Mom, you're not always gonna be this way, 44:39 laid up in the bed, not able to do anything. 44:43 The day is gonna come 44:45 where all things shall be made new again." 44:48 And that was the morning that we had with her 44:51 and just so happened that she never really speaks, 44:56 so when the caregivers came in, 45:00 one of them was an aide the other one was an RN. 45:04 And the RN just noticed that she just was having a good day. 45:10 This was her last day, though, what we didn't realize 45:13 I didn't know at that time 45:15 that this was neither did the nurses 45:17 because she was so attentive. 45:19 She said, well, when the nurse was turning her she said, 45:23 "Just take time with me while you're turning me." 45:26 And we were shocked, then the other nurse, 45:29 the aide that came in, she said, 45:32 "Mrs. Marr, aren't you gonna give me a kiss 45:34 before you leave?" 45:36 And my mom looked at her and she blew out, 45:40 my mom just poked her lips out and blew a kiss at her. 45:43 I was so surprised and it just shows 45:47 how her spirits was uplifted for the whole day 45:50 and quietly that night, you know, she did go to sleep 45:57 and it's just so good to know that I did have that time. 46:01 I wouldn't have been able to even have 46:04 this type of a relationship with God, her, and myself, 46:09 if she didn't teach us this is the way to go. 46:12 I wouldn't have been there to hold her hand 46:14 to comfort her when she needed just, 46:17 at that moment, to know that God was gonna be with her. 46:22 I think sometimes as you get older, 46:25 you realize there got to be something more in life than 46:30 what this world has to offer. 46:32 Absolutely. 46:33 And just to know that we can really look to the Lord, 46:39 that He will be there, that He does care, 46:42 He actually brought it to me at that moment to know 46:46 that this is what my mom needed, 46:48 and she was able to rest peacefully 46:52 knowing her fate calling and election was sure. 46:57 Isn't that a blessing to know first of all 47:00 that God cared enough to have you stay home that day? 47:05 Because He impressed that on your heart 47:07 to stay with your mom that day 47:09 and then you were singing to her 47:10 and bring your scriptures, 47:11 I mean, what better way to go than to go in Jesus, 47:16 what better way? 47:17 She just went to sleep 47:19 and during her sleep she passed away. 47:23 It was in the sleep? Yes. 47:25 It just so happened that 47:27 it was in the middle of the night 47:28 and I thought it was she had a thought 47:33 she had a cold coming down. 47:35 Because I heard the sound, 47:37 sounded like a cold on her chest 47:38 and now I know it's what they call the death rattle. 47:44 And I gave us as I always talk to her 47:48 I never made her feel like she wasn't there. 47:51 I said, "Mom, sounds like you've got a cold coming down. 47:55 I'm gonna have to give you some medicine." 47:59 And that's how I always communicated with her 48:01 even if she didn't communicate back to me, 48:03 I always talked with her and it really helps. 48:09 Anyway, I gave her the cough medicine that night 48:11 and I was getting ready go back to bed and I said, 48:15 "I'll just turn the TV on so you can watch TV 48:18 since you're wide awake." 48:21 And turned to walk away 48:23 and then I heard that sound again said, 48:26 "Mom, I'm gonna put the nebulizer 48:29 'cause I think you're really coming down with something." 48:31 so I put the nebulizer on. 48:34 And after I put the nebulizer on I said, 48:39 "Something's not right here 48:41 she just doesn't look the same." 48:44 And then I decided I'd call the nurses. 48:48 So I called them and then told them what was happening 48:53 and they said "Okay, we'll send someone out." 48:56 By this now I started seeing that she was closing her eyes 49:01 and just going quietly. 49:05 Then I started to see signs of foaming, 49:09 called my brother and family and ambulance, 49:13 and by time they got there they tried to resuscitate her, 49:17 but and take her to the hospital, 49:21 and then when it was all over I asked, 49:24 I went to the doctor 49:25 and I was crying he comforted me, 49:28 and he said to me, "I just wanted to you to know 49:31 that your mother went peacefully. 49:34 She just went to sleep and she didn't feel any pain." 49:39 Oh! That's a blessing, isn't it? 49:42 It is. To know that. 49:44 It is. And I pray that for us as well. 49:47 That's the hope. Yes. 49:49 That is our hope. Yes, yes. 49:51 And to know that this is not it, that we're, 49:57 you know, we're here but when that trumpet sounds 50:01 and the dead in Christ rise first 50:03 and then we which are alive 50:04 and remain shall be caught up together with them 50:07 to meet the Lord in the air that... 50:11 There is nothing greater than that. 50:13 When you think about that scene, 50:16 that whole scene the resurrection, and that is, 50:20 that's incredible. 50:21 That's why, you know, for our brothers and sisters 50:22 that believe that when you die you go right to heaven, 50:25 where's the resurrection like where does that come in? 50:28 We know that when you die, you go to sleep 50:32 and when that trumpet sounds, 50:34 when Jesus returns and the trumpet sounds, 50:37 our bodies are changed from corruptible to incorruptible 50:41 in the twinkling of an eye like, bam! 50:43 Like it's just... 50:44 It's amazing, you know, no more mental fog, 50:48 no more forgetfulness, 50:50 no more dementia, and Alzheimer's. 50:52 I mean, we we're here today to talk about something 50:56 that happens on this side of eternity. 50:58 Right. 50:59 But we know as Danny say's, 51:01 we've read the back of the book. 51:02 So we know what happens on the other side 51:05 and we praise God for that. 51:07 I want to get back to your book for a minute, 51:09 Shelley, because what we didn't talk about, 51:13 and I think is really important, 51:15 is when your first mapping out what to do, 51:20 in your book you talk about scheduling, 51:23 unpack that a little bit for us 51:24 'cause I think that's a very important point. 51:26 Sure. 51:28 So when we worked with my father, 51:30 there were a lot of uncertainties. 51:33 He, you know, was nervous about so many different things. 51:37 And what we found was that if we can map out his day, 51:41 he can anticipate that each and every day 51:43 the exact same thing's happening 51:45 at the exact same time. 51:47 So we had a schedule that we put together 51:50 and we had it posted at one time, 51:52 but I think we all know it backwards and forwards. 51:55 But it starts with the time he gets up in the morning, 51:58 and what happens from there his bath, 52:01 his breakfast, his cognitive activities, 52:04 outside time, nap time, 52:06 it is mapped out all the way until bedtime. 52:09 And the reason why 52:11 that's so important is because a lot of times 52:13 you'll hear that someone's patient, 52:17 dementia patient or loved one is acting out, 52:20 they're not cooperative, they might be aggressive, 52:24 and that helps with putting them on a schedule 52:27 so they can anticipate things, 52:29 and also so that they don't run into sundowning or sundowners, 52:35 as I call it, in the evenings 52:37 where they do become a little more antsy 52:40 and maybe aggressive because they're just uneasy. 52:43 So keeping them on a schedule it helps them, it helps you, 52:48 and especially if you have care that's rotating in and out, 52:51 everyone knows what's supposed to happen next. 52:54 Oh, I like that. Right. 52:55 So sundowning, let's talk about that 52:58 because so are there cycles then with dementia like 53:02 during the day they might be okay, 53:04 but in the evening a little cranky or... 53:06 Right. 53:07 And it's really amazing to see because as the sun goes down, 53:12 we have seen a transition come over my father's face 53:15 and so we're like, "Oh, no, get him in the bed. 53:20 Hurry, get him in the bed." 53:23 Because he starts, their vision, first of all, 53:26 they start to see shadows instead of, you know, 53:30 people they're seeing shadows 53:32 so you have to make sure the room is well lit 53:35 and that you could get them in bed as quickly as possible. 53:39 Because they are then in protective mode, 53:41 they don't know 53:43 if they should be protecting themselves from you 53:46 because they can't fully recognize you. 53:49 So, yes, when that happens 53:51 you can see the difference come over his face, 53:53 you can see it in his eyes. 53:55 And I remember one time my brother called and said, 53:58 "I need you all to come over, Dad has sundowners." 54:02 And when we got there, he had backed himself into a corner 54:06 and would not let my brother touch him. 54:08 So we had to distract him because that's, you know, 54:12 he can get distracted very easily 54:13 and it can help us if we can distract him. 54:16 So we had to distract him to get him out of that corner 54:20 and then get him into bed. 54:22 Yeah. 54:23 So it pays to have that schedule. 54:26 It pays. 54:27 So that you know just what's, and they know too, 54:31 just what's coming up next 54:33 and they get used to the routine. 54:34 Right. 54:36 I think it's very healthy mentally for them as well. 54:39 It is. 54:40 And then it make sure, you know, 54:41 you make sure you're getting all those activities in that 54:44 they like to do, and things that are good for them, 54:47 like fresh air, and sunshine, and cognitive activities, 54:51 whether it's reading or writing, 54:55 if they can still write, those are things 54:57 that we need to continue to encourage. 54:59 So take one minute both of you 55:01 'cause we're almost out of time, 55:04 take one minute 55:05 and talk to us about just overall 55:11 what is your overall impression of what to do 55:15 when your loved one has dementia. 55:18 So one thing that I would do, 55:21 that everyone should do, is prepare. 55:23 And not just my book because it does outline step-by-step 55:27 what you should do but prepare your family, 55:30 come together as a family, prepare your loved one 55:33 who's suffering from it, 55:35 without trying to drill it in them, 55:37 they don't need to retain it, but you want to make sure 55:39 they're on board with 55:41 what is coming so prepare, prepare, prepare. 55:46 And do you think you should let them know 55:48 what they have do they need to understand 55:51 the diagnosis themselves? 55:53 It just depends on how far along they are. 55:55 If they are in still the earlier stages 55:57 they need to know because they can help you prepare 56:01 and they can give you those things 56:02 that are important to them, so definitely. 56:05 And let's put up your website again for your book. 56:08 Let's put that up there so that you know 56:11 how to get the book and get it, and read it, 56:16 and incorporate what's in there, 56:18 and then, Lecia, what do you say? 56:20 One minute. 56:21 I would say show them lots of love. 56:27 Hugs, kisses, they appreciate that 56:30 they still want to feel loved and always be patient. 56:34 Understand that this is an illness. 56:38 It is out of their control. 56:40 If they act out, just understand 56:43 this is not aggressively towards you 56:46 it's because of the illness that they have 56:50 and be understanding. 56:52 And why should people contact SDA Elderly Care? 56:57 Because we have resources, 56:59 we can point you in the right direction 57:02 and help you to get started on this very long journey. 57:06 That's great. 57:07 You guys, I can't tell you how much I appreciate 57:11 what you've brought to our viewers. 57:14 I always like to bring the viewers information 57:17 and resources. 57:19 And you have really provided not just the resources 57:23 not just information, but also transparency. 57:27 And for that, I'm really appreciative 57:30 and I know that you are too. 57:33 So thank you, both, so much for being with us. 57:37 Thank you. Thank you. 57:38 You guys really were a blessing. 57:40 If you have loved ones that you're concerned about 57:43 with this issue, talk to them, prepare for this, 57:47 do some research, contact SDA Elderly Care, 57:52 get Shelley's book, "Dad's Got Dementia" 57:55 you can do it, work with your family member. 57:58 Thank you so much for being with us. 58:00 Join us next time 'cause you know what? 58:02 It just wouldn't be the same without you. |
Revised 2017-05-25