Participants:
Series Code: UBR
Program Code: UBR190007A
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00:01 Stay tuned to meet a TV host couple
00:03 whose journey through grief and loss 00:05 will inspire you. 00:06 My name is Yvonne Lewis-Shelton, 00:08 and you are watching Urban Report. 00:31 Hello, and welcome to Urban Report. 00:34 Recently I had the privilege 00:35 of talking with Xavier and Brittany Hill Morales, 00:39 host of A Father's Heart and Pure Choices respectively. 00:43 I interviewed them on the set of Pure Choices 00:46 where Brittany had just finished her third season 00:49 of hosting and our 150th program. 00:53 What they reveal to me during the interview 00:57 astounded and inspired me. 00:59 Take a look and by the way, 01:01 some of the content may not be suitable 01:03 for young children, parental discretion is advised. 01:09 I am so thrilled to be on the set of Pure Choices. 01:14 This is our eighth season with Pure Choices, 01:19 and Brittany Hill Morales 01:21 has been the host and coordinator 01:24 for how many seasons, Brittany? 01:26 Three. 01:28 Three seasons and what a blessing, 01:29 and your husband, Xavier has also been on Pure Choices 01:34 and is also the host of A Father's Heart. 01:37 So we have a host couple here. 01:41 And we just finished, well just about finished taping 01:45 our eighth season of Pure Choices. 01:48 And did our 150th episode. 01:49 Yay! What a blessing. What a blessing. 01:53 So I wanna say thank you to both of you, 01:55 because it's really not easy 01:58 to do all of this, to host, to coordinate, 02:01 I mean it's really not easy but you two, 02:05 just you really throw yourselves into it 02:08 and we really appreciate all that you do, 02:10 so I wanna just tell you, our viewers, 02:13 how much we appreciate the hard work 02:15 that both of you do. 02:17 And on and off the set I noticed that like, 02:22 we haven't taped A Father's Heart in a while, 02:24 but Xavier came with you to support. 02:31 Tell us like, Xavier, what you've been doing 02:34 to support your wife and the Pure Choices team, 02:38 even though you're not taping this season, 02:40 but you came here to support, what are you doing? 02:42 Yeah, I mean, it's hard work so, 02:45 people go hungry so I've been cooking 02:47 all the lunches for the team... 02:48 Yes, very good. 02:50 And sending out the troops in the morning 02:51 with a special devotion with them, 02:53 and kind of rallying them up spiritually to, 02:56 to get charged for the day 02:58 and just providing the back end support 03:00 'cause I know my wife can't do everything 03:02 so I gotta step in and do my part. 03:05 That's so nice, that's so sweet. 03:07 And you have your baby girl with you. 03:09 We do. 03:11 She is a doll too. Thank you. 03:12 She's such a beautiful baby so... 03:15 Oh, she's not a baby now, right, she's three? 03:16 No, she's getting old, yeah, she's three and going on 16. 03:22 Yeah. 03:24 What are you guys, when you're not here 03:26 taping Pure Choices, 03:27 what are you doing for work? 03:31 For work, I am a limited licensed marriage 03:33 and family therapist. 03:35 So I'm a counselor, I help couples, families, 03:39 children, seniors, it's a wide variety. 03:42 And I also do focus work on two off days 03:46 with kiddos that have autism. 03:49 So that's another passion of mine. 03:51 So it's not only marriage and family therapy, 03:53 I'm also helping children as they're developing 03:56 and growing with autism. 03:58 Oh, that's beautiful. 03:59 What about you, Xavier? 04:01 I'm a chaplain by profession. 04:03 I'm a hospital chaplain. 04:05 So I deal mostly with trauma and pediatrics as well. 04:09 And I'm also a police chaplain still going on, say, 04:12 seven plus years of doing that. 04:14 So, yeah, I'm in the trauma field. 04:17 So I see a lot of death, a lot of, dealt 04:19 with a lot of grieving families 04:22 and kind of helping them cope 04:24 and get through the darkest time in life. 04:27 That has to be so challenging, 04:31 so rewarding in certain ways 04:33 and then very challenging and draining in other ways, 04:38 both of you, therapy, 04:40 'cause I used to be involved in therapy, 04:43 and as a therapist, 04:46 and it's very, it drains. 04:49 Yeah. 04:50 It's very draining and a lot of the principles, 04:53 the good thing is a lot of the principles, 04:54 you can apply to your lives, right? 04:56 Yes, that's the benefit, definitely a benefit. 04:59 Yes, yes. 05:00 And people can look at you guys 05:04 and they'll watch you on Pure Choices, 05:07 you on A Father's Heart. 05:08 And they might say, you know, 05:11 they don't really have anything, 05:13 any problems or, you know, 05:15 they've mastered 05:17 how to do this and all of that. 05:23 Tell us what's been going on with you 05:25 and share what's been going on with you? 05:30 Where do we begin? 05:33 For us as a couple, 05:34 I think one of the most significant things 05:37 that have been going on for us is balancing, parenting, 05:42 balancing job and our roles and our responsibilities. 05:46 That has not been an easy task, 05:48 learning how to kind of support 05:50 and lean in on to each other. 05:54 And with that as the premise, 05:57 we're dealing with grief. 06:02 Two years ago, we lost a son in a miscarriage 06:06 and then a year ago on my daughter's birthday, 06:10 we lost his mom. 06:11 So it was trying to deal one year with one level. 06:17 And even though not fully recovered 06:19 will pile that upon with something else 06:21 in addition to it. 06:24 It's a lot of pressure 06:27 'cause it's like you just got cut wide open with one 06:30 and then you don't have time to heal 06:33 and all of a sudden, it's like a big batch of salt 06:36 gets thrown on you 06:38 as you deal with another grief, another big loss. 06:42 It's one thing to lose, you know, I mean, I love dogs. 06:45 You know, it's one thing to lose your dog 06:46 or one thing to lose, you know, a friend 06:50 or extended family member 06:51 but it's another to lose your child 06:54 and your mom back to back. 06:58 I had no idea you know 07:00 that you guys were going through this? 07:03 And I'm so sorry for your loss. 07:06 How did you? 07:08 Let's start with the loss of your son? 07:10 How did you cope with that? 07:13 And what were some of the challenges 07:14 as you were dealing with the grief? 07:18 What were some of the challenges 07:19 that you found individually and as a couple? 07:23 I can probably start off with individually. 07:26 Before we got married, 07:28 I had this intense fear 07:30 of losing a child that I spoke to Xavier 07:34 and probably even suggested, 07:36 let's not even try to have children 07:38 because I do not want to lose a child. 07:41 And we did premarital counseling, 07:43 and we covered all the different topics, 07:46 but we never discussed that grief, 07:48 or what the potential grief or that fear 07:51 or the potential of even having a loss. 07:54 So he told me to trust God and trust in the process 07:58 and trust in the relationship dynamics. 08:00 And let's see how things go. 08:03 We had a first pregnancy was rough, 08:05 but our beautiful daughter is here 08:07 and then the second pregnancy, 08:09 I was feeling like this is might be okay. 08:12 It might actually end successfully. 08:14 It's gonna be great. It's a lot smoother. 08:16 My husband is right, I can trust in God. 08:19 That's an important element to add. 08:21 And then it happened. 08:26 And my whole world just crushed and devastated. 08:31 How far along were you? 08:33 We're not completely sure, 08:34 we were still in the first trimester. 08:37 But I felt such a connection. 08:41 And even kind of reflecting back, 08:43 he also felt a connection. 08:45 We both were sick. 08:47 We were both were feeling nauseated. 08:50 So we were in the, maybe with pregnant mindset. 08:54 Let's go and figure this out soon. 08:56 But we're still like kind of dancing with the idea, 08:59 oh, it's just gonna be cool, it's gonna be interesting 09:01 that when my miscarriage was happening, 09:03 I didn't even know it was happening. 09:05 I honestly thought, okay, 09:07 I guess we were completely wrong 09:08 and these past couple of months 09:10 was just me not having a period. 09:13 It never even began to come to my mindset 09:16 that this is really happening. 09:19 I am really losing a child and even went to the hospital, 09:23 I was like, I think I'm just having 09:25 a really strange period right now, 09:27 because there was nowhere in my mindset 09:30 that I was miscarrying 09:34 and when he came into the picture, 09:39 we played those five, six days, 09:41 like over and over and over again. 09:44 For me, it was what did Brittany do? 09:48 How did Brittany contribute to this significant loss? 09:52 Should we have done pills? 09:54 Should we have done this? Should we have done that? 09:58 Should we have been maybe praying more? 10:00 Should we have been covered it, all these different things, 10:03 what was Brittany doing wrong? 10:05 And I was in this deep level of how do I even get out? 10:09 But because I knew this was my major fear 10:15 and I didn't want to push him away 10:17 as I feared would be my initial response. 10:20 I said, I need people, 10:24 I need to be talking to someone, 10:25 I need to be interacting with someone, 10:27 because I already feel 10:29 like I'm about to shut completely down 10:32 and be completely lost 10:34 and nobody is going to be able to pull me out 10:37 because I lost the kid and that's all that matters. 10:40 And it's so interesting to me 10:43 that was such a big concern of yours 10:45 before you got married. 10:48 It was just like, it was just a huge concern, 10:52 and then to have it happen, 10:55 it had to be so utterly devastating. 10:58 It was, it was really a moment 11:00 of how am I supposed to trust you God 11:03 when this happened? 11:05 And how am I supposed to trust my husband 11:07 when this happened? 11:09 And how am I supposed 11:10 to even value myself and my sexuality 11:13 when I was born and created to be fruitful and multiply, 11:18 and I could not even do my task. 11:21 So you blamed yourself? 11:23 Yeah. 11:24 And you were angry with God 11:27 and what was your relationship with Xavier? 11:31 I would say it was. 11:33 It was tense, but we were trying, 11:35 because I did not want to disconnect from him. 11:38 And he was trying to be very supportive of me. 11:42 I think a lot more 11:44 than was trying to be supportive of him. 11:48 And you could probably talk a little bit more 11:49 about that factor. 11:50 Yeah, because my whole mindset was, 11:54 you know, 11:56 so many things went through my head, 11:57 being a former police officer, 12:00 I still retained a first responder mindset. 12:03 I was at work. 12:04 I was at hospice working and I get the phone call. 12:10 So ask one of the nurses, 12:11 hey, this is what my wife is having symptoms with 12:15 and she said rushed to the hospital, 12:16 so she immediately gets rushed to the hospital. 12:20 I am about a hour away. 12:22 I get in my car, I'm assuming, 12:23 I mean my mind is just reeling 12:25 and when I get there and everything, 12:28 and she explained and all, 12:29 we fast forward to that point, I felt helpless. 12:32 I felt like I didn't get there fast enough. 12:36 I remembered what my sergeant told me 12:38 when I was in law enforcement, 12:40 he said," Morales, you, you can't save everybody, 12:44 no matter how fast you try, how fast you drive, 12:46 you're not going to get there to everybody." 12:49 But it just hurts so bad and I see my wife so broken. 12:53 And then I hear her, you know, her battle with God. 12:56 You know, and understandably so. 12:58 So I'm thinking, okay, I'm the priest of the home. 13:00 I'm a chaplain, I gotta help grieving families. 13:03 And you know what, 13:04 let me just go into my police officer mentality 13:07 and turn off my emotions. 13:09 And I got to be there for my family. 13:12 I got to be there for the patients 13:13 and the families. 13:14 There's no time for me, 13:16 God knows my heart 13:17 'cause that's a catchphrase a lot of people use. 13:20 God knows my heart, He'll deal with it. 13:23 And that's the biggest downfall I could have done 13:25 'cause I was really feeling an immense amount 13:27 of guilt and shame and in, you know, 13:33 I knew he was a boy, my son, you know, 13:36 my son is gone. 13:38 And I'm sitting there like, 13:40 I couldn't do anything to protect my child 13:43 which is a level of... 13:46 So I went into, you know, 13:48 mechanical mindset where, 13:50 you know, that happened because of this, 13:51 this and the medical side of things, da-da, da-da, 13:54 I'm doing research on Google for miscarriages. 13:56 And he was trying so hard to be helpful. 13:58 Yeah. 13:59 If I say this is medical reason, 14:00 this is the medical stuff and I'm like, I don't care. 14:03 Yeah. Yeah. 14:04 Well, I cried, I didn't reach out to anybody. 14:06 I didn't talk to anybody 14:08 'cause I'm the priest of the home. 14:09 I gotta deal with it myself. 14:10 I gotta, it's me and God, 14:12 but I completely forgot 14:14 about the community side of being a Christian. 14:17 So yeah, I really put a guilt trip for years. 14:22 She didn't know that I felt guilty for years. 14:25 Wow. 14:26 You know, and I felt like years, 14:27 but it felt like forever. 14:29 It hasn't been that long, but it feels like, 14:33 I've been carrying, you know, 14:34 I was carrying that for such a long time 14:36 and that weight. 14:38 So yeah, I blamed myself for some time 14:42 until I told her, 14:43 "Hey, I feel guilty." 14:45 This is why then all of a sudden she said, 14:47 "Well, I feel guilty." 14:49 I'm like, "Whoa, you do." 14:50 And she's and that, 14:52 it really brought us 14:54 to a different level of intimacy 14:55 as husband and wife. 14:57 So the place at which healing really began 15:02 was when you shared how you both really felt. 15:07 And it wasn't you protecting or accusing or anything, 15:13 you were just saying, this is where I am. 15:16 This is where I am 15:17 and that's when the healing began. 15:21 What did you do after that, to get to this point? 15:27 I had to realize that I was broken 15:30 and I was too broken to fix him 15:34 and was hoping that he would realize 15:36 that he is broken, 15:37 and he's too broken to fix me. 15:40 So we need help. 15:42 God, I can't talk to you right now 15:45 but so you're gonna have to lead me to someone 15:47 who you can speak to, to talk to me. 15:49 So I started counseling 15:51 with a phenomenal blessed counselor, 15:53 who's still my counselor right now, 15:55 as I'm going through this grieving process, 15:57 and probably will make calls for next couple of years 16:00 because I needed someone to listen to my heart 16:04 wholeheartedly. 16:05 And not that my friends and community wasn't trying, 16:07 but they had different perspectives 16:09 of how grief need to go. 16:10 And it just wasn't helpful. 16:12 So I needed someone to be like fully listening, 16:15 and even had the ability to kind of challenge me 16:17 a little bit of Brittany, 16:18 is this really how you want to feel about this? 16:20 Is this really how you think 16:21 God is talking to you about this? 16:23 Is there other things going on underline this, 16:25 but also know how to kind of bring it forth 16:27 and he was also going counseling with someone else. 16:30 But as time progressed, 16:31 he also came to the same counselor for like, 16:33 "Okay, this is a period 16:35 where you guys need to kind of figure out 16:36 how to do it together." 16:39 I think we, I mean, it was, it was helpful. 16:43 For me, it was just like, 16:45 Okay, I've probably seen the light 16:47 at the end of the tunnel. 16:49 And then my mom dies. 16:51 And I got the phone call. 16:53 My dad is crying on the phone. 16:55 Here's the kicker, you know, 16:57 my mom had been sick for years 16:59 and I actually pray for my mom to pass. 17:02 Those are hardest prayer I ever did. 17:04 I'm the only child. 17:06 But I heard, we hear my mom every day 17:08 just getting sicker and worse and worse. 17:11 And I remember that, I got down on my knees, 17:14 my knees were shaking, 17:15 and with tears in my eyes, I say, God, 17:17 I'm about to pray the hardest prayer. 17:19 And I said, you know, God, when... 17:21 When my mom is ready, when you've, 17:25 where she's given her heart to you, take her. 17:28 You know, sometimes I wonder if God listens to our prayers 17:32 and there's still times I'm like, God, 17:33 why did you have to listen to my prayer? 17:36 You know, but yeah. 17:37 It is a hard prayer to pray. 17:39 That was tough. 17:40 But it's a loving prayer to pray 17:42 because you don't want your loved one 17:44 to suffer anymore. 17:45 You don't wanna watch that. 17:47 You don't want to know that they're hurting. 17:51 There are so many people that are dealing 17:55 with what you guys are still going through 17:59 because you're still in the process of healing. 18:04 What would you say to that couple? 18:07 What are some of the steps that they can take? 18:10 And how can they, 18:13 because I know, just from hearing you talk, 18:16 I know that you and the Lord are back in sync. 18:20 So, He didn't go anywhere but you did, 18:22 but you know, I mean, that's, He knew, He knows us. 18:26 He knows that we are with dust. 18:29 He knows us through and through. 18:31 So how did you, 18:34 a come back to him 18:36 and then what would you recommend 18:39 both of you to other couples 18:42 who are dealing with loss? 18:45 What would you say? 18:46 Do you want to go first? Okay. 18:48 I would first say accept that there are stages of grief. 18:53 We're going to go through the anger, the denial, 18:55 the depression, the bargaining, and then the acceptance. 18:58 And sometimes they happen quickly as frantic, 19:01 they're interchanging, they're going back and forth. 19:03 So for me, I had to accept that I was angry. 19:07 So accept your feelings, accept your emotions, 19:09 and trust that God can handle it. 19:12 God doesn't say, don't tell me you're feeling upset, 19:15 don't tell me you're feeling angry. 19:17 I can handle it. It's okay. 19:19 Be honest with what's going on 19:22 and also being honest about talking to someone else 19:25 about what's going on. 19:27 For us, we had to have moments to grieve, 19:30 be intentional about having separate times 19:33 to go to God or even just reflect 19:36 on what happened and talk about it. 19:38 We had to have moments to grieve together. 19:40 And we had to have moments to grieve alone and separately, 19:44 because I didn't want to overpower him 19:46 and he didn't want to overpower me. 19:49 And I think one beautiful thing that we did was, 19:52 we commemorated the loss, 19:54 we created a box 19:57 and we filled it up with little things, 19:59 a teddy bear, 20:01 he did a baseball, 20:03 and few other things to kind of give ourselves closure 20:07 and also be united in what was happening 20:10 and some parts of it's not even full closure, 20:12 but it's still working on it, 20:15 and probably some more to share. 20:18 You know, and one of the other things 20:19 was just taking time for myself as a man. 20:25 You know, being vulnerable, I hate being vulnerable 20:29 but God caused me to be vulnerable 20:31 as the priest at home, 20:33 and I had to take time for that. 20:35 Take time to recognize 20:37 even though I teach people how to grieve properly, 20:40 I coach them on the grieving process. 20:42 Now I'm on that, I'm the one feeling it. 20:45 Right, you're on the other end of things. 20:46 Exactly, so I had to take my own advice 20:49 and seek help, 20:52 you know, seek community, seek those who are grieving, 20:55 who are fathers 20:56 who have grieved or grieving like me 20:59 and actually know that God is faithful, 21:03 you know, remind myself that God is with me like, 21:06 He knows what it's like to lose a son. 21:08 Yes. 21:10 You see, 21:11 and that's what brought refuge to me the fact that 21:14 I didn't have to watch my son be tortured. 21:17 You know, so He knows my grief. 21:20 He understands my grief 21:22 and I had to reconcile with the fact that 21:27 this is God, this is not just a Bible story, 21:29 this is God. 21:31 He knows a father's heart. 21:33 He knows how it's feeling 21:35 and you know, just reconnect to him, my wife 21:38 and I think we took time to put into practice, 21:42 if I remember it correctly, 21:43 it's in the Book of Corinthians, 21:45 where we, the Bible says, you know, 21:47 if needed take time apart to fast and pray. 21:52 But not too long before the devil comes into, 21:54 you know, in between the two and we did that, 21:56 we took time to reconnect without having sex, 22:02 without the sexual aspect, really find the intimacy 22:05 and I have come to know my wife, 22:09 as my helpmeet, not just my wife, 22:12 who is my wife and gives birth to children, 22:15 but my helpmeet too, my equal. 22:19 And it was so important for us to have that time 22:22 to kind of be separate, 22:23 because I did not feel comfortable or at ease 22:28 to be sexually active at that point. 22:31 I didn't feel myself open to be able to allow for us 22:35 to connect on the deeper levels 22:37 of sexuality in our relationship 22:39 that God is calling us for, 22:41 but I did not want to rob him 22:43 and I didn't want to rob myself 22:44 because we both have our urges and our desires. 22:47 But we didn't want to not be in tuned with God 22:50 at the same time. 22:51 So that was very important for us 22:54 to take that break 22:56 and find ourselves. 23:01 And I think another element for me was learning that 23:06 while I'm grieving, 23:08 I don't have to be a savior for other people 23:11 who were also grieving. 23:12 I have to take that time for me 23:16 to find me 23:18 and be okay with me in this. 23:21 I've had clients that come in and say, 23:23 "Can I see you for counseling for grief?" 23:26 And I'm like, "No, you cannot, 23:28 because I'm still dealing with this raw." 23:31 And another element, as we talked about before, 23:34 anyone's seen the programs 23:35 is that I am a recovering sex addict, 23:38 from specifically pornography. 23:40 And when something so powerful as that loss happened, 23:44 my initial mindset is I need a way to cope, 23:47 I need a way to deal with this. 23:49 So I don't want to use him as a method to cope and deal, 23:53 and I don't want to use to go back to pornography 23:57 as a way to cope and deal. 23:58 So I need to reconnect with God 24:00 so that He can be the person 24:02 that helps me heal and deliver 24:04 so that our sexuality is actually pure, 24:07 that our sexuality is actually us 24:09 connecting in an intimate way. 24:11 And it's not just, he is my tool, 24:13 and I'm using him, 24:14 because I can't handle how I'm feeling right now. 24:18 It's so... 24:20 I thank you, first of all, so much for your transparency, 24:22 because this stuff is real. 24:25 This is not, you know, 24:28 this is real life that you're talking about here. 24:31 And so I just thank you so much for sharing this 24:34 because... 24:37 the questions that come up as a result of loss, 24:42 you know, how do I reconnect? 24:43 How do I avoid going back to my old habits 24:47 that could really further disconnect me from God? 24:50 The enemy is so shrewd like his whole thing is 24:54 let's create distractions 24:56 and let's do things that are gonna send you back 25:00 to what would have been an ideal, 25:03 it would have been an ideal for you, 25:05 because it was something 25:06 that you will go into instead of God. 25:09 And so both of you, the Lord was with you 25:14 and led you back to Him through this. 25:17 What would you say to a couple right now who's dealing, 25:22 they're in the raw like...? 25:24 Well, now you have about 30 seconds to do it. 25:28 Well, what would you say 25:29 they're in the throes of grief right now, 25:31 what would you say? 25:33 Trust your spouse, and trust God. 25:36 It's rough right now 25:37 and you feel like you cannot go through it. 25:40 But you're going through it for a reason and trust Him 25:43 that you will come out stronger from it. 25:46 I will say be ministry of presence to your spouse. 25:51 Sometimes silence speaks volumes. 25:54 Share tears together, as I call it, 25:56 share the joys of the heart 25:57 and the tears of the heart together. 26:00 Go to God and grief together. 26:04 There's not a time for you to be the man of the house 26:06 or for her to be, 26:07 you know, supermom or superwoman. 26:09 This is the time to be vulnerable 26:11 before God as a couple, 26:13 completely naked and transparent, 26:16 hurting together because you're one. 26:21 Thank you so much. 26:22 Thank you for, you know, 26:25 I've been fighting the tears a couple of times in this 26:28 because the pain I know is so real, 26:31 but your transparency 26:33 and what you bringing to people 26:36 who are hurting is such a blessing. 26:39 So I thank you and I know our viewers, 26:41 thank you. 26:42 And I'm so excited about this 26:46 season of Pure Choices that's coming up. 26:48 So you're gonna have to make sure that 26:50 you tune in and watch 26:53 and A Father's Heart is coming back as well. 26:56 We thank you guys 26:57 for being here for all that you do. 27:00 Thank you. 27:04 Wow, that was so powerful. 27:07 I really appreciate their transparency and candor. 27:12 It's not easy to talk about 27:15 that kind of pain and that kind of loss. 27:18 After the cameras were off, 27:20 Brittany told me that she had a talk with God 27:23 and He told her that 27:24 it was never his plan for death 27:27 and this level of grief and loss, 27:29 His heart hurt with hers. 27:32 This is the result of sin. 27:35 One day, we won't have any more death or loss, 27:38 Jesus will come and angels will place 27:40 babies back into the arms of their parents. 27:43 What a day that will be, 27:45 and in the meantime we deal with life here. 27:49 So pray for Brittany and Xavier 27:52 and tune in to our next program 27:56 'cause it just wouldn't be the same without you. |
Revised 2024-06-11