Foundation of Our Faith

Married and Merry: Single and Satisfied

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: John Lomacang (Host), Abraham Jules PhD


Series Code: FDOF

Program Code: FDOF000015A

00:18 Hello, friends and welcome to the 3ABN Worship Center
00:21 here in Southern Illinois.
00:24 I've said this before but it fits now.
00:25 If you've not tuned in before,
00:27 this is the biggest little city in the world.
00:29 Can you all say amen to that?
00:31 This is the hub out of which
00:33 the spokes of light are beamed all over the world,
00:36 to every nation, every kindred, every tongue and every people,
00:39 and the Lord will have it as such.
00:41 As we are celebrating another year
00:43 of God's goodness to this ministry of 3ABN,
00:46 and to the ministry of Dare to Dream,
00:49 thank you so much for tuning in.
00:50 Get your Bibles,
00:52 invite your friends and the family members
00:53 to sit down for this thoughtful hour
00:55 as we begin an excursion through the word of God
00:59 on this edition of "Foundation of our Faith".
01:02 As you know, if you've heard the last two messages,
01:04 I know your heart has been blessed by Dr. Abraham Jules,
01:08 who is a native
01:09 of the Caribbean Island of Trinidad,
01:10 but he is a resident of the state of New York.
01:13 More specifically, we go back to Brooklyn,
01:16 back in the day when,
01:18 when things were quite more simple then they are now.
01:21 He is the one that rightly derives the Word of Truth.
01:24 He was raised in the family, now he's a fourth generation
01:27 Seventh-day Adventist Christian.
01:29 But in Trinidad, he received
01:31 much of his early formal education.
01:34 But the Lord has equipped him
01:36 not only spiritually but also educationally,
01:38 as he attended Oakwood University,
01:41 graduated in 1983, received his Bachelor's,
01:44 then his Master's in Andrews, and his doctorate
01:46 in the United Theological Seminary in 1995.
01:50 Dr Jules is the husband of one wife,
01:53 so that means he's qualified to be an elder.
01:55 Amen, somebody.
01:57 The husband of one wife, the father of two children,
01:59 and his wife is very well equipped.
02:02 She's a doctor of dentistry.
02:04 He's been in ministry 32 years, and he's been married 12.
02:08 And he's a man of the word,
02:10 one who does know how to communicate with great passion.
02:15 He is presently pastoring in the North Eastern Conference
02:19 and is the pastor of the Community Worship Center
02:22 in Queens, New York,
02:24 where this small congregation
02:26 is going to experience explosive growth.
02:29 If you've followed his 32 years of ministry,
02:31 one of those things
02:33 that the Lord has blessed him to be able to do, in 2010,
02:35 we're about to have another
02:37 General Conference session coming up here,
02:38 but in 2010, he's one of the featured speakers
02:41 as he spoke to more than 70,000 people there
02:44 at the last the General Conference session.
02:46 He's been around the world quite a bit,
02:48 an international speaker.
02:49 He's also been to Anchorage, Alaska.
02:52 Why would anyone from Trinidad
02:53 want to go to Anchorage, Alaska?
02:55 But he was there and he went in the summer, he tells me.
02:58 And so Auckland, New Zealand,
03:00 the Cayman Islands, New Zealand,
03:01 Bahamas, London, and the list goes on and on.
03:05 But more than all of those things,
03:09 when it comes to academia, and qualification,
03:11 and itinerary, he is a man of God.
03:13 Can the church say amen to that?
03:15 What matters most is, not where you've been,
03:17 but with whom you have been, and he has been with Jesus.
03:21 I'm excited about the message today.
03:23 He's been married for 12 years.
03:25 As he said in his message last night,
03:27 he took time to get ready to be married.
03:28 He wanted to make sure
03:30 the Lord had the right one for him,
03:32 and now he has two lovely children
03:34 and a wonderful wife.
03:35 And his message today is,
03:37 for all of you who are tuning in because it's entitled
03:40 "Married and Merry, Single and Satisfied."
03:44 "Married and Merry, Single and Satisfied."
03:48 He's going to bless us in just a few moments.
03:51 But I'd like to invite you to bow your heads with me
03:53 before I introduce to you
03:54 who our music is going to be for this broadcast.
03:56 Let's invite the Lord's presence to be with us.
04:00 Our gracious Father in heaven, we thank You, Heavenly Father,
04:03 for this opportunity to come before you,
04:06 and as You prepare Your manservant
04:08 to be an instrument to communicate
04:10 what you have prepared for us today,
04:13 we pray that You will send Your Holy Spirit now,
04:15 not only through your manservant,
04:17 but to open the hearts of those who will hear,
04:20 hear what the Spirit says to the church.
04:22 Connect those of us who are local
04:24 and those who are joining in
04:25 and tuning in from around the world.
04:27 And may your purpose for your eternal kingdom
04:29 be accomplish this day.
04:32 In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
04:35 Now, we've already been blessed by Brother Mark Udo Williams,
04:40 who is a resident of Houston, Texas,
04:43 a young man that I've gotten to know over the last few days
04:46 and appreciate him very much and his wife.
04:49 And you would do well to get to know them, but you will,
04:52 for those of you are tuning in, unfortunately,
04:56 the only way you'll know him is by his music ministry.
04:59 And we're going to be blessed today
05:00 by a song that he's going to share,
05:02 right after Mark comes and sings the song
05:05 "Were it Not for Grace"
05:07 The next voice that you will he hear
05:08 will be that of Pastor Dr. Abraham Jules.
05:35 Time measured out my days
05:42 Life carried me along
05:50 In my soul I yearned to follow God
05:58 But knew I'd never be so strong
06:04 I looked hard at this world
06:09 To learn how heaven could be gained
06:18 Just to end where I began
06:23 Where human effort was all in vain
06:34 Were it not for grace
06:42 I can tell you where I'd be
06:49 Wandering down some pointless road to nowhere
06:57 With my salvation up to me
07:04 I know how that can go
07:11 The battles I would face
07:20 Forever running but losing the race
07:27 Were it not for grace
07:46 So here is all my praise
07:54 Expressed with all my heart
08:01 Offered to a Friend who took my place
08:10 And ran a course I could not start
08:16 And when He saw in full
08:22 Just how much His love would cost
08:30 He still went the final mile between me and heaven
08:38 So I would not be lost
08:46 Were it not for grace
08:54 I can tell you where I'd be
09:01 Wandering down some pointless road to nowhere
09:09 With my salvation up to me
09:16 I know how that can go
09:23 The battles I would face
09:33 Forever running but losing the race
09:41 Were it not for grace
09:49 Forever running but losing the race
09:57 Were it not for grace
10:35 Mark, thank you again for blessing our hearts today.
10:38 We're reminded in that song about the grace of our God,
10:42 and our Lord, and our Savior, Jesus Christ.
10:46 We are today, on God's holy day,
10:49 worshipping Him.
10:51 He has given to us these 24 hours of unblemished time
10:55 for worship and for fellowship.
10:58 We should thank John again
10:59 for his gracious words of introduction.
11:02 It's a joy to be here with you today.
11:05 The title of my message today is
11:07 "Married and Merry. Single and Satisfied."
11:12 Would you turn in your Bibles with me
11:14 to the Book of Genesis 29:15-25.
11:33 It reads, "And Laban had two daughters,
11:38 the name of the elder was Leah,
11:41 and the name of the younger was Rachel.
11:45 Leah was tender eyed,
11:48 but Rachel was beautiful and well favored.
11:53 And Jacob loved Rachel, and said,
11:57 'I will serve thee seven years for Rachel,
12:00 thy younger daughter.'
12:02 And Laban said, 'It is better that I give her to thee,
12:06 than that I should give her to another man, abide with me.'
12:10 And Jacob served seven years for Rachel,
12:15 and they seemed on to him but a few days,
12:19 for the love he had to her.
12:22 And then Jacob said on to Laban, 'Give me my wife,
12:25 for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.
12:30 And Laban gathered together
12:32 all the men of the place and made a feast.
12:36 And it came to pass in the evening
12:38 that he took Leah, his daughter and brought her to him.
12:42 And he went in on to her.
12:45 And Laban gave on to his daughter Leah,
12:47 Zilpah, his maid for an handmaid.
12:51 And it came to pass, that in the morning,
12:53 behold, it was Leah, and he said to Laban,
12:56 'What is this thou hast done unto me?
12:59 Did not I serve with thee for Rachel?
13:02 Wherefore then hast thou beguiled me?'"
13:07 Let us pray.
13:08 Father, we invoke Your presence in our midst
13:11 and we pray for Your blessings
13:14 to rest upon Your people and upon this word.
13:17 Hide Your servant even now behind the Cross of Calvary.
13:20 And may Jesus in His beauty be seen, felt and heard.
13:25 We pray this prayer in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.
13:28 Amen.
13:30 Amen. Amen.
13:33 This message today is for married couples,
13:38 prospects, engaged people,
13:42 and those who are still on the market.
13:45 In other words, it's for folks who wish they were married
13:50 and folks who are very sorry to ever got married.
13:55 The story is told about an attendant who,
13:58 while walking down the hallway at a mental institution,
14:01 saw a guy over in the corner, talking to himself
14:04 and he was saying, "Bessie, Bessie, Bessie."
14:10 So the attendant asked the man,
14:11 "Why are you here in this mental institution?
14:14 And why are you talking to yourself?
14:17 And why are you saying, 'Bessie. Bessie, Bessie?'".
14:21 He said, "I'm in this mental institution
14:23 because Bessie wouldn't marry me."
14:27 He kept walking down the hallway,
14:29 saw another guy over in the corner,
14:30 he was talking to himself
14:32 and he was saying, "Bessie, Bessie, Bessie."
14:36 And the attendant said,
14:38 "Why are you in this institution, man?
14:39 And why are you talking to yourself?
14:41 And why are you saying, Bessie, Bessie, Bessie?"
14:45 He said, "I'm in this mental institution
14:47 because I married Bessie."
14:51 We all know about love at first sight.
14:55 And many times, it's not love at first sight,
14:58 but lust at first sight.
15:01 But we use the phrase
15:02 and maybe we can add another phrase to our vocabulary,
15:06 and that is love at second sight
15:10 because that's a phenomenon that many couples experience.
15:13 Not love at first sight, but love at second sight.
15:18 A man was wearing a wedding band on the occ--
15:20 on one hand and when asked why he did that?
15:24 He was wearing it on the wrong hand.
15:26 And when I asked why he did that,
15:27 he said, because he married the wrong woman.
15:31 Jacob married the wrong woman, Leah,
15:35 while his intent was to marry
15:38 Leah's super fine sister, Rachel.
15:41 When Jacob first met Rachel, it was love at first sight.
15:46 Jacob was so enraptured by the ravaging Rachel,
15:49 that he worked out a contractual agreement
15:52 with Rachel's father, Laban,
15:55 to work for him for seven years
15:58 to have his daughter's hand in marriage.
16:00 To have Rachel in his life,
16:03 seven years of labor was no sacrifice.
16:07 In fact, the writer of Genesis gives it a romantic flair.
16:10 He says the seven years were just like
16:13 a few days because he loved her.
16:17 Seven years passed and finally the wedding day came.
16:21 Wine flowed like water at the celebration.
16:24 And once the celebration was over,
16:27 Jacob was drunk and in a half drunken stupor,
16:32 he enters the honeymoon chamber.
16:34 And there waiting for him in the darkness of night,
16:37 is his fully veiled bride.
16:40 The marriage, we're told, is sexually consummated.
16:44 But the next morning,
16:46 Jacob is shocked into soberness.
16:49 He rolls over and looks at his wife and screams.
16:54 It's what you call an "OMG" moment.
16:58 In fact, look at verse 17, it said,
17:02 "Leah had tender eyes," or dull eyes.
17:07 Or as one commentator puts it, Leah was cross-eyed.
17:12 But look at Rachel.
17:14 The same verse says, "But Rachel was well favored,"
17:19 or shapely and beautiful.
17:21 Now this is the only time in the entire Bible
17:24 that a writer describes the shape of a woman.
17:28 So that means if this writer
17:31 takes time to say that she was shapely,
17:34 then that means she was indeed shapely and beautiful.
17:38 He thought he had Rachel, but wakes up with Leah.
17:43 Now I want you men to understand
17:44 how he must've felt.
17:46 If on Sunday you got married to and had worked for seven years,
17:51 for Beyonce and you got drunk,
17:57 and woke up on Monday morning and rolled over,
18:00 and you ended up with Aunt Jemima.
18:04 A woman, how would you feel,
18:07 if on Sunday night you thought
18:08 you had worked for and married Denzel?
18:11 Only to wake up on Monday morning and roll over
18:14 and it's Flavor Flav?
18:18 Now you folk, you got to know a little bit about hip hop,
18:21 and what's going on to get this.
18:24 Now Jacob would later marry Rachel.
18:29 And he would work an additional seven years,
18:31 we're told, to have her.
18:33 And would subsequently have two wives
18:35 in a turbulent love triangle.
18:38 He was in love with Rachel, love at first sight.
18:42 Initially he did not love Leah, but guess what?
18:46 The Bible says, over a period of time,
18:49 which one do you believe had a greater impact on Jacob?
18:52 It was Leah.
18:54 Because Rachel would bear him two sons, Joseph and Benjamin.
18:58 But Leah, cross-eyed Leah, would bear him six sons.
19:02 One son was Levi from which the priest would descend.
19:05 And one son was named Judah.
19:08 And from the line of Judah comes King David
19:11 and our Savior, Jesus Christ.
19:13 And in addition, when they close out their lives
19:17 both his wives precede him in death.
19:19 Guess which one he decided to be buried next to?
19:23 Look at Genesis 49:29-31.
19:27 It says, "And he charged them, and said unto them,
19:30 'I am to be gathered unto my people:
19:33 bury me with my fathers in the cave
19:35 that is in the field of Ephron the Hittite.
19:38 In the cave that is in the field of Machpelah,
19:40 which is before Mamre, in the land of Canaan,
19:44 which Abraham bought with the field of Ephron the Hittite
19:47 for a possession of a burying place.
19:50 There they buried Abraham and Sarah his wife;
19:54 there they buried Isaac and Rebecca his wife,
19:57 and there I buried Leah.'
20:01 So at the beginning of the story, it's Rachel,
20:04 but by the end of the story, it's Leah,
20:07 which is to say that for Rachel it was love at first sight,
20:11 but for Leah, it became love at the second sight.
20:15 Now let me ask you a question.
20:16 Why do you think this story is in the Bible?
20:19 It's in the Bible for couples, prospects,
20:22 and person still on the market.
20:24 This story speaks volumes
20:27 and it teaches important lessons
20:29 for our generation.
20:31 And the first lesson, I believe, it teaches us is,
20:34 before you get married, take a long look.
20:39 Look beyond the veil.
20:42 Had Jacob looked beyond the veil,
20:44 he would have discovered
20:45 that he was not marrying the woman he thought he was.
20:50 And how many times have couples thought
20:52 that they were marrying one person only to wake up,
20:56 maybe not next night but six weeks later,
20:59 or a month later, and realize that this is not the person
21:02 I thought that I wanted to marry.
21:06 A little boy was asked in one occasion
21:08 who was Patrick Henry.
21:09 And he said, "Patrick Henry was that guy
21:11 who got married and soon thereafter said,
21:13 'Give me liberty or give me death.'"
21:18 Before you get married, before you walk down the aisle,
21:23 take a long protracted look at whom you're going to marry.
21:27 Because while love may be blind,
21:29 marriage is a real eye opener.
21:33 That is why there should be a courtship
21:35 before you get married.
21:37 What does court mean?
21:39 When you go to court,
21:41 you should be looking for evidence.
21:43 When you are single, keep both eyes open.
21:46 When you get married, just keep one shut.
21:50 During courtship, look for some evidence.
21:54 The Bible says, "Jacob was drunk."
21:57 And so, he didn't know what he was getting into.
22:01 And it's possible, my brothers and sisters,
22:04 to be drunk not with inebriating beverages,
22:07 but to be drunk on a fantasy.
22:10 And you can be so drunk that it blinds you
22:13 to who you're really marrying.
22:14 So you need to be sober. Listen to this principle.
22:19 A key to successful relationships,
22:21 major differences mean major adjustment.
22:27 Minor differences mean minor adjustments.
22:31 That is to say, that the more you have in common,
22:36 the more potential there is for a happy marriage.
22:39 The less you have in common, you may survive,
22:43 but you may feel like you are in a prison.
22:47 That is why the Bible says,
22:48 "Be ye not unequally yoked with unbelievers."
22:53 Do you know what that means?
22:55 You see in Bible times,
22:56 you could not yoke an ox with a mule
22:59 because they have two different natures.
23:02 The ox wants to move forward.
23:03 And while the ox is moving forward,
23:05 guess what the mule is doing.
23:07 He's just chewing the cud.
23:09 So the ox is arguing with the mule and says,
23:11 "Come on, let's move forward."
23:13 And the mule says, "You're moving too fast."
23:16 So the ox is frustrated and the mule is frustrated.
23:20 So if a mule wants to be slow, let him marry another mule.
23:25 And if an ox wants to move forward,
23:27 he should marry an ox.
23:30 You see most people, my brothers and sisters,
23:32 enter marriage with high expectation
23:35 but with very low preparation.
23:39 And when it comes to marriage, compatibility is the key.
23:44 Marriage, you see, is the act of two incompatible people
23:48 learning to become compatible via compassionate compromise.
23:52 I'm about to give you seven critical areas
23:55 of compatibility.
23:57 Number one, is your faith.
23:59 You need someone you can pray with,
24:03 trust God with,
24:04 and grow in a deep and abiding relationship with God.
24:09 Number two, second area of compatibility, education.
24:14 You need someone who can stimulate you intellectually.
24:18 If you're watching CNN
24:20 and they're constantly watching the cartoon channel,
24:23 you're gonna have a boring relationship.
24:26 If you are reading The Wall Street Journal
24:28 or The New York Times
24:29 and they're always reading just the National Enquirer
24:31 and other tabloids, you're gonna be bored.
24:34 If you've got a Ph.D. and he or she's got--
24:37 is a high school dropout,
24:39 you're going to have problems, generally speaking.
24:42 But I am certain there are exceptions,
24:44 my brothers and sisters.
24:46 Third area of compatibility, is ambition.
24:49 You are ambitious and he is not or she is not,
24:53 you'll have problems.
24:55 Fourth area, child rearing.
24:58 If you are a parent that believes
24:59 that children should have boundaries
25:01 but your spouse allows your child to do anything,
25:04 say anything,
25:05 then there'll be constant battles in the home.
25:08 Number five, hobbies and leisure.
25:11 If you are the outdoorsman type,
25:13 you love to exercise or you are into sports
25:16 and your partner doesn't want to do anything
25:17 but lay around the couch and become the couch potato,
25:20 then that can engender frustration.
25:23 Number six, money and spending, sixth area of compatibility.
25:28 If you are the kind of person
25:30 that wants to save and be frugal, live by a budget
25:33 but you're married to a person
25:34 who could care less about a budget,
25:36 you've got your work cut out for you.
25:39 The poet said there was a wonderful couple,
25:42 but they had one fatal flaw.
25:44 One was quick with the deposit,
25:46 the other was quicker with the withdrawal.
25:48 It's only when you say together,
25:50 "We will manage deposits and withdrawals."
25:53 When you are comparable with someone,
25:55 the success of the marriage is high.
25:57 Seventh area of compatibility,
26:00 their needs to be sexual compatibility.
26:03 If you are a microwave
26:05 and you're married to a crock pot,
26:09 or if your name is "ever ready"
26:11 and the other person's name is "never ready,"
26:14 you'll be frustrated.
26:16 That is why you need to take a long look
26:18 because sometimes they can veil it.
26:22 Well, too many single people
26:24 view their singleness in a negative light,
26:28 saying that they are tired of being single.
26:31 What does that mean to be single?
26:33 Any dictionary will have these words or synonyms for single.
26:37 It means to be separate, unique, and a whole.
26:41 Would you like to stop being whole,
26:44 and would you like to stop being a unique person?
26:48 You see, the world's definition which the church has adopted,
26:51 that you are not whole and unique,
26:53 opens the door to hurt, rejection, and self-hatred.
26:57 God did not say, "Adam is not a whole being,
27:01 so I will make him a wife to complete him."
27:03 In essence, God said,
27:05 "I am going to make him a helper,
27:07 who will be compatible, or suitable, or like him."
27:10 Another being, who will complement him
27:13 and be complemented by him.
27:16 Ladies and Gentlemen, we put marriage in verse 18,
27:19 when it's not there.
27:20 Marriage comes in verse 22.
27:22 And what we need to understand is that
27:25 God made his second human being not just for Adam to marry,
27:29 but in order that Adam would not be alone.
27:33 A lot of people are married, are not married that is,
27:37 and they are not alone.
27:38 So we need to stop pressuring unmarried people
27:41 into marriage with a subtle
27:43 and not so subtle insinuations like,
27:46 "When are you gonna get married?"
27:47 Well, I was pastoring a church in Brooklyn.
27:50 I was single at the time.
27:51 There was a lady who came to the door every Sabbath
27:53 and she said to me,
27:54 "Pastor, when in the world
27:55 are you gonna get us some cooked cake to eat?"
27:57 Talking about wedding cake.
27:59 So I used to really resent that moment
28:03 when she came to me every Sabbath.
28:05 So one week, I planned for her.
28:07 I said when she gets to door, I have an answer for her.
28:09 She came to the door and said to me, she said,
28:10 "Pastor, when are you gonna get us some cake to eat?"
28:13 I said, "The next time I go to the bakery."
28:14 That was the last time she told me about that cake.
28:18 The good book says, "There was a not another like him.
28:22 Eve was not created primarily as a wife,
28:25 but as another like-Adam
28:27 who would be a companion and then later a wife.
28:31 In Genesis 2:18, God did not say,
28:33 it's not good for man to be single.
28:35 No, he said, "It's not good for the man to be alone."
28:37 Singleness does not mean rejection.
28:40 Singleness is neither a stigma nor a social disease.
28:44 The problem is single people
28:46 sometimes view their single status
28:48 as one big waiting room,
28:50 waiting for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right to come along
28:54 and rescue them from a fate more horrible than death itself
28:58 and that is being single.
29:00 We need to understand
29:01 that God has not advocated one lifestyle, marriage.
29:06 And those who missed out,
29:07 they got second best called singleness.
29:10 Marriage is great but being single is also great.
29:15 That's why Paul says, in whatsoever state you're in,
29:19 therewith to be content.
29:21 There are dangers, my brothers and sisters,
29:23 in allowing ourselves to think,
29:25 that marriage is the only normal lifestyle
29:28 and it will solve all of our problems.
29:31 When you think that way, you place
29:33 an unduly heavy responsibility and expectation on marriage,
29:38 which it will not be able to live up to.
29:41 And you are asking too much of the person
29:44 who you plan to spend the rest of your life with.
29:46 There is one thing worse than being single,
29:49 and that is being unhappily married.
29:52 And it's better to be single and wished you were married,
29:55 than married and wished you were single.
29:59 May I identify seven missteps that single people make?
30:03 Number one, many are consumed with the desire to get married.
30:08 And when this happens, a person usually becomes less attractive
30:13 because that message is unconsciously transmitted
30:17 through body language, facial expressions,
30:20 conversations and the like.
30:22 I did not say you should lose your desire to be married,
30:25 but that you will not be consumed by it.
30:29 Second misstep, some single people accept
30:32 too much garbage in unhealthy relationships.
30:36 Sometimes they are abused, disrespected,
30:38 degraded, and used, and they are still holding on.
30:42 They're not treated tenderly
30:43 and they become emotionally dependent on stuff
30:46 they call being in love.
30:48 Do you know that some relationships
30:49 if you ended them right now,
30:51 the happiness quotient of your life
30:52 would just be out of this world?
30:54 And the quality of your life would be drastically enhanced.
30:57 So how do you get out?
30:59 Matthew 5:29 and 30 says,
31:01 "If your right hand offends you cut it off.
31:05 And if your eye offends you, pluck it out."
31:07 There will be no easy way.
31:09 It will be painful and you'll experience loss
31:12 but learn to respect yourself
31:14 and get up because the Bible says,
31:17 "I can do all things through Christ
31:19 who strengthens me."
31:21 Number three, third misstep.
31:23 Single people get physically involved
31:25 too soon and go too far.
31:28 Some individuals protest
31:29 it's impossible to be single and go without sex.
31:33 They claim the reason why we have bodies
31:35 is for sexual fulfillment
31:37 and we were made for each other.
31:39 Listen to me.
31:40 The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 6: 12-19,
31:43 it reminds us that we were made for God
31:46 and our bodies are the temple of the Holy Ghost.
31:48 Yes, God gave us sex to enhance our married lives
31:51 but that is not the primary reason we have bodies.
31:56 Fourth misstep, we rationalize a bad relationship
32:00 is better than no relationship.
32:03 Aloneness and loneliness are not the same.
32:06 We fear being alone
32:08 because we think being alone means being lonely.
32:11 That's why God gave us
32:13 over six billion people in this world.
32:15 Fifth misstep, panic. Where are the men?
32:19 I'm being a little more gender specific at this time.
32:22 It is one thing to recognize the shortage.
32:24 But it's another thing
32:26 to let that reality control and depress you.
32:28 Ephesians 3:17-19,
32:30 in the English Standard Version,
32:32 it says, "So that Christ may dwell
32:35 in your hearts through faith -
32:37 that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
32:39 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints
32:43 what is the breadth and length and height and depth,
32:47 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge,
32:51 that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."
32:55 Philippians 1: 9-11, Colossus 1:9 tell us the same.
32:59 And what these verses of scriptures, scripture,
33:02 what they're saying is, that fulfillment comes
33:05 when we are filled with the fullness of God, His spirit
33:09 and filled with the knowledge of God's Will.
33:13 Jeremiah 29:11 says,
33:15 "For I know the plans, I have for you."
33:17 And two verses later, he says, "You will seek me and find me."
33:22 You can know a totally fulfilling life
33:24 when your life is filled with Jesus Christ.
33:28 And the scarcity of eligible Christian men
33:30 is not your major problem.
33:33 Our problem is trust in God in every area of our lives.
33:38 The more I know Him, the more I trust Him,
33:41 the less I worry, and the less I worry,
33:45 the more I am contented and joyful.
33:48 Sixth misstep, women running on emotions.
33:53 Whether our culture wants to admit it or not,
33:55 men and women are created differently.
33:59 It is a part of a woman's nature to be nurturing,
34:02 tender hearted, caring and emotional.
34:05 And it is a part of a man's nature
34:07 to be logical, factual, and practical.
34:10 Now I am sure that there are exceptions,
34:12 but these are broad generalizations.
34:15 So making decisions based on how you feel,
34:18 separating feeling from rational thought
34:21 should be your goal.
34:22 Because what you feel
34:24 tend to have priority over truth.
34:27 And what you feel is more important
34:29 than principles and values.
34:31 A sign of maturity is the ability to recognize
34:36 and acknowledge your feelings without discounting them
34:40 and put them in their proper place
34:41 when it comes to decision making.
34:43 Women in love with the wrong men.
34:47 Most women date the same man with different names.
34:52 So you've got to learn to subject your feelings
34:55 to good counsel, common sense and biblical principles.
35:00 Seventh misstep, men are too visually oriented.
35:05 It seems to be a physiological fact
35:08 that men response to visual stimuli
35:10 much more than women do.
35:12 And women respond more to verbal stimuli than men do.
35:16 The great danger for men is, they would sometimes forego
35:20 investigating character and personality,
35:23 because most men marry body parts.
35:28 They say love is blind
35:30 but I know that love is not blind.
35:33 It sees more than we care to admit.
35:35 But since love is a compromise,
35:38 we recognize less and deal with the pain more.
35:41 A couple was asked, how do you know you're in love?
35:44 And the woman says,
35:46 "Well, Pastor, when I see him, I can't breathe."
35:49 She was not in love, she had asthma.
35:55 Let me give you some biblical principles
35:57 for people who are dating.
35:59 What kind of person should you date?
36:01 The Living Bible 2 Timothy 2:22 says,
36:03 "Run from anything that gives you the evil thoughts
36:06 that young men often have.
36:07 But stay close to anything that makes you want to do right.
36:10 Have faith, and love, and enjoy the companionship of those
36:13 who love the Lord and have pure hearts."
36:16 Secondly, don't date someone who claims to be a Christian,
36:18 but doesn't live like it.
36:20 1 Corinthians 5:11 says, "What I meant was that
36:22 you are not to keep company with anyone
36:24 who claims to be a brother Christian,
36:26 but indulgences in sexual sins, or is greedy,
36:29 or is a swindler, or worships idols,
36:31 or is a drunkard, or is abusive.
36:33 Don't even eat lunch with him."
36:36 Third, avoid dating anyone with a bad temper.
36:39 Proverbs 22:24 says,
36:41 "Keep away from angry, short tempered men,
36:43 lest you learn to be like them and endanger your soul."
36:47 Don't date a lazy Christian.
36:49 2 Thessalonians 3:6 says,
36:52 "Now, here is a command, dear brothers.
36:54 Given in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ by His authority,
36:57 stay away from any Christian
36:59 who spends his days in laziness.
37:01 And does not follow the ideal of hard work
37:04 we set up for you."
37:05 In other words, if you don't work
37:07 nothing in your life will.
37:10 Further, don't.
37:12 Well, inner beauty counts the most
37:14 when you're looking for a spouse.
37:16 1 Peter 3:4 says, "Be beautiful inside
37:19 in your hearts with the lasting charm
37:20 of a gentle and quiet spirit that is so precious to God.
37:24 Next, don't date someone with a--
37:28 date someone with a good attitude, that is.
37:30 Romans 15:5 and 6 says,
37:32 "May God who gives patience, steadiness, and encouragement,
37:35 help you to live in complete harmony with each other,
37:38 each with the attitude of Christ toward the other."
37:41 Next, what you should avoid on dates.
37:44 1 Corinthians and also Romans 13:13 says,
37:47 "Be decent and true in everything you do,
37:49 so that all can approve your behavior."
37:51 Don't spend your time
37:53 in the wild parties and getting drunk,
37:54 or in adultery and lust of fighting and jealousy.
37:57 Furthermore, dating should not include a sexual relationship.
38:01 1 Corinthians 6: 13 and 18.
38:03 And Ladies and Gentlemen, when you're getting married,
38:05 please marry someone of the opposite sex.
38:12 God will give you your heart's desire.
38:16 Psalm 37:4 and Matthew 6:8, "Be delighted with the Lord,
38:21 and He will give you all your heart's desires."
38:24 "Remember, your father knows what you need
38:25 before you ask Him."
38:27 The Bible says, "Leah veiled some things."
38:31 And people can veil who they really are.
38:33 You need to observe how people interact with their family.
38:36 If you're dating a man who will not respect,
38:39 and honor, and cherish his mother more than likely
38:41 he will not respect, love, and cherish you.
38:45 Don't only date, take a long look before you marry.
38:49 But this story teaches secondly,
38:52 an important lesson and that is,
38:54 you need to take a long look before you get a divorce.
38:58 What would you have done
38:59 if you thought you've married Halle Berry
39:00 and ended up instead, with Miss. Sealy.
39:04 Or you thought, you had Tyrese
39:05 and it turned out to be Flavor Flav.
39:07 What would you do? I think, I know what you'll do.
39:09 It's called annulment or divorce.
39:11 And many of us are quick to file for divorce.
39:14 Before you do that, take a long look.
39:17 I'm sure on that morning,
39:19 when Jacob awoke to a nightmare with Leah,
39:22 he never thought that he would want
39:24 to be buried next to of all people, Leah.
39:27 But you know what happened? Leah changed.
39:31 Leah grew, she matured and developed.
39:34 You know there are two kinds of love in marriage.
39:36 One is called caring love.
39:38 Caring love is when you maintain your marriage
39:41 because you care about the person.
39:43 So if you are in it, my brother, my sister,
39:46 but you don't push my buttons, you don't float in my boat,
39:49 you're not the cream in my decaf,
39:51 but I do care about you.
39:52 And there is the highest form of love.
39:55 It's called sacrificial love.
39:57 But then there's another kind of love
39:59 that's important in marriage.
40:00 And it's called romantic love.
40:03 Romantic love is a feeling of incredible attraction
40:07 because the person you're married to
40:09 is meeting your needs.
40:11 And because love is our deepest need.
40:14 Our greatest fear is rejection.
40:17 In marriage, we seek a lifelong companion
40:21 who will help keep our love alive.
40:25 Even though only God can meet that love in the deepest level,
40:28 our spouse is the second most important source in life
40:31 for intimacy and faithful love.
40:35 We're God's primary vessel to reveal His love to them.
40:39 However, when we are not paying a proper attention
40:41 to the love needs in our spouses,
40:44 they will begin to feel rejected.
40:46 Now this is one of our most primal responses
40:49 when we feel as though we are being ignored,
40:51 taken for granted, or put in second place.
40:54 Listen to me.
40:56 Men feel rejected
40:57 when their wives are not sexually responsive,
41:00 or putting the children or other things before them.
41:03 And women feel rejected when their husbands
41:06 are emotionally passive toward them
41:08 and show greater interest in work,
41:11 friends, sports or something else.
41:14 Sometimes when we feel rejected
41:16 we respond in unhealthy ways which serve to only exacerbate
41:21 what's already wrong in the relationship.
41:23 Whenever your spouse makes you feel goofy and loved
41:26 and you feel appreciated and special,
41:28 your marriage can last a lifetime.
41:31 But marriage is not for lazy people.
41:34 Marriage takes work, for the Bible says,
41:37 "You should live with your spouse with understanding."
41:40 Which means, you need to find out,
41:42 what makes your spouse happy.
41:44 And do everything in your power to meet those needs.
41:48 Men and women are wired up differently.
41:51 And what makes a woman happy,
41:53 may not make a man happy and vice versa.
41:56 Men, remember, that women get excited
41:59 and romantically in love with you
42:01 when they experience your love and undivided attention.
42:05 If you are going to honor marriage,
42:07 the first way you do that, is by understanding
42:10 the fundamental differences between men and woman.
42:14 There's a book that I would like
42:15 to recommend to you and it's called
42:17 "Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti."
42:21 And why are men like waffles?
42:23 Remember what waffles are?
42:25 On the waffles are small boxes
42:27 that are separated from each other
42:29 and those boxes represent how men process reality.
42:34 For example, take sexuality, for instance.
42:37 For men, sex isn't a box by itself,
42:40 independent of emotions or feelings.
42:43 On the other hand, women are like spaghetti.
42:46 Spaghetti is interconnected, interwoven.
42:49 Let's say somewhere, for example,
42:51 in those noodles, is a sex noodle
42:53 and you're trying to figure it out and which one it is,
42:55 what you've got to do is pull on the emotion noodle.
42:58 And then you've got to,
42:59 got to pull on the let's-go-for-a-walk noodle.
43:01 And then you've got to pull on
43:03 the let-me-help-you -clean-the-house noodle.
43:04 And then somewhere interwoven all of that
43:07 might just be the sex noodle.
43:10 You all, say amen.
43:13 For men, you don't have to pull on any noodle.
43:17 A second book I would like to recommend to you
43:19 is a book by William Harley
43:21 entitled "His Needs, Her Needs."
43:24 And this book is absolutely without equal,
43:27 when it comes to understanding your spouse.
43:29 Dr. William Harley says in this book
43:31 that both men and woman, each have an emotional bank.
43:34 And when I work hard to meet my wife's emotional needs,
43:37 she experiences an irresistible,
43:40 unquenchable romantic love toward me.
43:43 And when she meets my needs on a consistent basis,
43:47 not needs she wants me to have,
43:49 not needs she thinks I ought to have
43:52 but needs I actually have.
43:54 Love me not the way you want to love me
43:55 but love me the way I want to be loved.
43:58 When you meet my needs it creates romantic love.
44:02 But if I don't meet her needs and she does not meet my needs,
44:05 we may stay married just a front.
44:08 And Dr. Harley calls this
44:10 "Required love not romantic love."
44:13 Romantic love is passion, required love is prison.
44:18 Here are men's five basic emotional needs
44:21 that Dr. Harley gives to us.
44:23 Number one, sex.
44:26 For most men, sex ranks one, two, three, four and five.
44:32 If you want your husband
44:34 to remain deeply in love with you,
44:36 constantly deposit good sex into his love bank.
44:40 Now don't be like the Shulamite woman
44:42 in the romance book of the Bible of Song of Solomon.
44:44 And if you read that book it will make you blush.
44:47 Chapter 4:12, he says,
44:49 "You are a garden locked up, my sister,
44:52 my bride, you are a spring enclosed,
44:55 a sealed fountain."
44:56 Locked up, she had a garden of sexuality.
44:59 But every time a husband wants to enter the garden
45:02 she has it locked up.
45:04 I would admit that men are a little brain damaged
45:07 and when you say no to their sexual advances,
45:11 they don't hear "no",
45:12 what they hear is "you don't love me."
45:15 You're disrespecting me and I'm not wanted.
45:19 Sex in marriage is an area where angels fear to tread.
45:23 Sex is God's ideal.
45:25 And most of you are here today because of it.
45:31 I know some of you have thought
45:32 you've made some other arrangements.
45:35 A twelve year old boy asked his dad, how was I born?
45:38 And his dad said a stoke.
45:40 So he asked his mother, "Mom, how were you born?"
45:43 And she said she was found in a cabbage patch.
45:46 So he went to his grandmother and said,
45:47 "Grandma, how were you born?"
45:49 And his grandmother said,
45:51 "I was found in a Christmas stocking."
45:53 So the boy went to school and told his biology teacher.
45:56 To the best of my knowledge
45:57 there has not been a normal birth in my family
45:59 for three generations.
46:04 St. Paul's command to man is,
46:05 let every man have his own wife.
46:08 The point is, sex outside of marriage
46:11 is absolutely forbidden.
46:13 You hear some men say but my wife is frigid.
46:16 Well, you got to find a way to light a fire and stay home.
46:19 Paul also commands that
46:21 "every man rendered his wife due benevolence."
46:24 What does that mean? It means sex.
46:26 Some of you are looking at me and say,
46:27 well, I never will and it shows.
46:30 Due benevolence literally translates,
46:32 the payment of what is due.
46:34 When you rent a house, rent comes due.
46:36 That's what you owe.
46:37 When you purchase a car, your car payment is due.
46:40 When you get married,
46:42 sex is the payment of what is due.
46:44 A husband looked very sick
46:46 and so his wife took him to the doctor,
46:48 the doctor examined the husband
46:49 and then invited his wife into his office and said,
46:51 I want to talk to you and shut the door behind her.
46:54 He said, I want you to cook this man
46:55 three square meals a day.
46:57 And I want you to have
46:59 a meaningful sexual relationship with him
47:02 and he'll be fine.
47:04 She slammed the door behind the doctor,
47:05 went into the car, they were driving home,
47:07 she wouldn't say a word.
47:08 Husband looks over and says,
47:10 "Sweetheart, when you went into the doctor's office
47:12 what did he say to you?"
47:13 She said, you're gonna die.
47:17 Which means there're just some things
47:18 that are not going to happen in this house.
47:21 The second need Dr. William Harley identifies
47:23 that a man has is an attractive life.
47:26 Men are visual.
47:28 So you've got to look your best.
47:30 Find out what your husband likes.
47:31 You should never look like an escaped scarecrow
47:34 when going to bed at night.
47:36 Got to get your hair fixed, your nails done,
47:38 look and smell good.
47:41 Third need men have is admiration.
47:43 Men want to be admired by their wives.
47:46 Make your husband feel strong, intelligent and respected.
47:50 However, respect is not just something given, it is earned.
47:54 The fourth emotional need a man has
47:56 is domestic competency.
47:59 Fifth emotional need is recreational companionship.
48:02 If basketball is your husband's thing
48:04 make basketball your thing.
48:06 Some of you may be saying, well, that's just not me.
48:09 Rick Warren, in his book "The Purpose Driven Life."
48:11 opens the book with these words, "It's not about you
48:15 and marriage is about preferring one another.
48:18 It's about servant love.
48:20 Working hard to meet the needs of your husband or your wife
48:23 but when you fall short don't live in condemnation.
48:25 Remember your 90% awesome and 10% under construction."
48:29 Now here are the five basic emotional needs
48:32 that women have that Dr. Harley gave to us.
48:35 According to Harley,
48:37 you want to deposit into your wife's love bank,
48:40 these emotional needs that are needed by her.
48:45 She cannot live without them.
48:46 Your relationship cannot survive
48:48 without these needs being met.
48:51 And the first one is affection.
48:53 And by affection, William Harley,
48:55 is not referring to sexual affection.
48:58 He's talking about inadvertent hugs
49:01 and loving words,
49:02 constantly showering her with kindness.
49:06 Secondly, is conversation.
49:09 It seems like men don't like to talk,
49:11 statistically, men use an average
49:13 of 1,200 words per day.
49:15 Women, on the other hand,
49:16 use an average of 2,400 words per day.
49:19 Men usually use up most of their words
49:21 before they get home at night.
49:23 Which means the wife still has about
49:25 1,200 words to use on her husband.
49:28 So men, please save some words for your wife.
49:31 Third emotional need of a woman is honesty and openness.
49:36 Women are turned off by duplicity,
49:39 they want authenticity, they want transparency.
49:43 Fourth, is financial support,
49:45 even when she has her own career and own money,
49:48 she wants to know that she has a man
49:49 who can take care of business.
49:51 In fact, there is no greater turnoff to a woman
49:54 than a man who is weak, wimpy and needy.
49:58 There's a fifth emotional need that woman have
50:01 and that's family commitment,
50:02 because women are created as nurturers.
50:05 Family is important to them.
50:08 And men need to communicate to their wives
50:10 the following "T" words.
50:11 Talk, you communicate love to you wife by talking to her.
50:15 And when she wants to talk,
50:16 don't try to fix what she's talking about.
50:18 Because when a women talk to their husbands,
50:20 they're not talking to their husbands
50:22 to fix what they're talking about,
50:24 they're talking because they just want to vent.
50:26 By nature, we men like to fix things.
50:29 In fact, one of the great minds of our day,
50:31 the great scholar and philosopher
50:33 by the name of Chris Rock
50:38 has given this advice to men when their wives want to talk.
50:40 Chris Rock said, "Instead of trying to fix it,
50:42 just say, "Yeah, ah-ha, get outta here, no kidding.
50:48 And three minutes later, say the same thing,
50:50 Yeah, ah-ha, get outta here, no kidding.
50:54 And every three minutes repeat the same thing.
50:56 She will be a happy wife."
51:00 Second "T" word is time.
51:04 Give her all the time in the world.
51:05 I have what I call WDW day.
51:08 And that is Whatever Dominic Wants.
51:11 That's on my calendar. She has that entire day.
51:14 And every time she has that day,
51:16 I say, "What do you want to do?"
51:18 Inevitably it is, "Let's go shopping."
51:21 Because woman shop like they're on a mission from God Almighty.
51:27 And the third, third "T" word is touch.
51:30 Embrace her, hold her,
51:32 and create a physical bond with your wife.
51:36 There was a couple that argued all the time
51:37 and their children decided to give them a gift
51:40 to go to a marriage counselor.
51:42 Then they argued over who would drive
51:44 to the marriage counselor's office.
51:46 Then when they arrived,
51:47 they argued about who would talk first.
51:49 And the marriage counselor went over to the wife
51:51 and hugged her, touched her, in front of her husband.
51:54 And looked over at her husband and said,
51:56 "She needs a hug like this, three times a week."
52:00 And the man said to the marriage counselor,
52:02 "I'm gonna bring her back
52:04 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday."
52:06 You've got to touch her.
52:08 And the final "T" word is thoughtfulness.
52:11 Do some thoughtful things on a consistent basis.
52:14 You do the dishes, tell her to take a seat,
52:16 take a load off, you do the laundry.
52:18 Well, somebody may say, "Well, that is not me."
52:20 So why did you get married?
52:22 If you're not thoughtful and as Paul said,
52:24 "Preferring one another,
52:25 you're setting up the relationship
52:27 for unhappiness or eventually, a fall."
52:30 When people have a fierce, even when you're not the cause,
52:33 you can become a contributor.
52:35 Go ahead and fill up your spouse's love bank.
52:38 And nothing is sexier to woman
52:41 than a strong, loving and sensitive man.
52:45 Every woman wants a gentleman
52:47 with just a little Christian thug in him.
52:51 But nothing turns a woman off more
52:53 than a man who's a wimp, who's always crying.
52:57 If your wife is a Leah,
52:58 you can change her sometimes to Rachel,
53:01 just by the things you do.
53:04 And the same goes for wives.
53:06 You are hoping to marry Denzel but you've got Flavor Flav.
53:08 And sometimes even Flavor Flav can change
53:11 if the wife does the right thing.
53:13 Number one, take a long look before you get married.
53:15 Number two, take a long look before you get divorced.
53:18 And number three, take a long look at yourself.
53:21 If I've married a wrong woman and treat her the wrong way,
53:24 if I married a right woman, excuse me,
53:26 and treated her a wrong way, she'll become the wrong woman.
53:30 But if I married the wrong woman,
53:32 and treat her the right way,
53:33 she might become the right woman.
53:35 More important than marrying the right person
53:38 is that I be the right kind of person in the marriage,
53:41 which means I should honestly ask myself,
53:44 if I would ever want to marry me.
53:47 Over two decades,
53:49 marriage specialist have researched
53:51 the ingredients of a marriage, Happy marriage.
53:54 And reported that happily married couples
53:57 will have these things in common.
53:59 Healthy expectations of marriage,
54:02 a realistic concept of love,
54:05 a positive attitude and outlook toward life,
54:08 the ability to communicate their feelings,
54:11 and understanding and acceptance
54:13 of the agenda differences,
54:16 the ability to make decisions and settle arguments,
54:20 a common spiritual foundation, and a set of goals.
54:25 Psychiatrist, John Levy writes, "People who have found
54:29 everything disappointing are surprised and pained
54:32 when marriage is no exception."
54:35 Most of the complaints about marriage arise
54:38 not because it's worse than the rest of life.
54:41 But because it is incomparably better.
54:44 There's a myth that successful couples who are meant to be
54:49 and made for each other.
54:51 Couples who swallowed the myth
54:52 that their spouse will make them whole
54:55 become dependent on their partner in a way
54:57 that is by all standards unhealthy.
55:00 These couples cultivate
55:02 what experts call enmeshed relationship,
55:06 characterized by a general reliance on their spouses
55:09 for general support, assurance, and the wholeness.
55:13 It is usually couples with low self-esteem
55:16 and a sense of inferiority
55:19 that is easily controlled by their partners.
55:22 Wholeness, however,
55:23 is found in an interdependent relationship,
55:27 in which two people with self respect and dignity
55:30 make a commitment to nurture
55:32 his or her own spiritual growth as well as their partners.
55:37 When asked, what makes a good marriage,
55:40 the answer by 90% of the population
55:42 is being in love.
55:44 Robert Sternberg, a Yale University psychologist,
55:47 has developed a triangular model of love.
55:50 It has three sides, passion, Intimacy, and love.
55:56 Passion is sensual and sexual,
55:58 characterized by physiological arousal
56:01 and an intense desire for physical affection.
56:05 Pure passion is self-seeking
56:07 until it is linked with intimacy.
56:09 Love without intimacy is only a hormonal illusion.
56:14 In finding the love of your life,
56:16 Neil Clark Warren identifies a lack of intimacy
56:20 as the number one enemy of marriage.
56:23 He goes on to say that
56:25 if two people do not know each other deeply,
56:29 they can never merge or bond,
56:31 becoming what the Bible calls, one flesh.
56:34 Without intimacy they will be isolated and alone.
56:38 And commitment now
56:40 is the third side of this triangle.
56:42 Commitment looks to the future
56:44 that cannot be seen
56:45 and promises to be there until death.
56:49 Commitment creates a small island of certainty
56:52 in the swirling waters of uncertainty.
56:55 My brothers and sisters,
56:57 God has called us to be a loving, kind and sacrificial.
57:02 Our home life should be a happy place.
57:06 "With Jesus in the family, it will be a happy home."
57:11 And many times we leave Christ out of the equation.
57:14 Today, He is calling us to make that commitment,
57:17 to bring back the family altar, to pray together as a family,
57:22 to be caring, to be loving, and to be kind.
57:26 My favorite Christian writer says
57:28 that if we would put aside pride for 15 minutes,
57:34 it will solve a thousand problems.
57:37 May God bless us
57:38 and may God bless our fellow members.


Revised 2015-11-30