Participants: John Lomacang (Host), Abraham Jules PhD
Series Code: FDOF
Program Code: FDOF000015A
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00:18 Hello, friends and welcome to the 3ABN Worship Center
00:21 here in Southern Illinois. 00:24 I've said this before but it fits now. 00:25 If you've not tuned in before, 00:27 this is the biggest little city in the world. 00:29 Can you all say amen to that? 00:31 This is the hub out of which 00:33 the spokes of light are beamed all over the world, 00:36 to every nation, every kindred, every tongue and every people, 00:39 and the Lord will have it as such. 00:41 As we are celebrating another year 00:43 of God's goodness to this ministry of 3ABN, 00:46 and to the ministry of Dare to Dream, 00:49 thank you so much for tuning in. 00:50 Get your Bibles, 00:52 invite your friends and the family members 00:53 to sit down for this thoughtful hour 00:55 as we begin an excursion through the word of God 00:59 on this edition of "Foundation of our Faith". 01:02 As you know, if you've heard the last two messages, 01:04 I know your heart has been blessed by Dr. Abraham Jules, 01:08 who is a native 01:09 of the Caribbean Island of Trinidad, 01:10 but he is a resident of the state of New York. 01:13 More specifically, we go back to Brooklyn, 01:16 back in the day when, 01:18 when things were quite more simple then they are now. 01:21 He is the one that rightly derives the Word of Truth. 01:24 He was raised in the family, now he's a fourth generation 01:27 Seventh-day Adventist Christian. 01:29 But in Trinidad, he received 01:31 much of his early formal education. 01:34 But the Lord has equipped him 01:36 not only spiritually but also educationally, 01:38 as he attended Oakwood University, 01:41 graduated in 1983, received his Bachelor's, 01:44 then his Master's in Andrews, and his doctorate 01:46 in the United Theological Seminary in 1995. 01:50 Dr Jules is the husband of one wife, 01:53 so that means he's qualified to be an elder. 01:55 Amen, somebody. 01:57 The husband of one wife, the father of two children, 01:59 and his wife is very well equipped. 02:02 She's a doctor of dentistry. 02:04 He's been in ministry 32 years, and he's been married 12. 02:08 And he's a man of the word, 02:10 one who does know how to communicate with great passion. 02:15 He is presently pastoring in the North Eastern Conference 02:19 and is the pastor of the Community Worship Center 02:22 in Queens, New York, 02:24 where this small congregation 02:26 is going to experience explosive growth. 02:29 If you've followed his 32 years of ministry, 02:31 one of those things 02:33 that the Lord has blessed him to be able to do, in 2010, 02:35 we're about to have another 02:37 General Conference session coming up here, 02:38 but in 2010, he's one of the featured speakers 02:41 as he spoke to more than 70,000 people there 02:44 at the last the General Conference session. 02:46 He's been around the world quite a bit, 02:48 an international speaker. 02:49 He's also been to Anchorage, Alaska. 02:52 Why would anyone from Trinidad 02:53 want to go to Anchorage, Alaska? 02:55 But he was there and he went in the summer, he tells me. 02:58 And so Auckland, New Zealand, 03:00 the Cayman Islands, New Zealand, 03:01 Bahamas, London, and the list goes on and on. 03:05 But more than all of those things, 03:09 when it comes to academia, and qualification, 03:11 and itinerary, he is a man of God. 03:13 Can the church say amen to that? 03:15 What matters most is, not where you've been, 03:17 but with whom you have been, and he has been with Jesus. 03:21 I'm excited about the message today. 03:23 He's been married for 12 years. 03:25 As he said in his message last night, 03:27 he took time to get ready to be married. 03:28 He wanted to make sure 03:30 the Lord had the right one for him, 03:32 and now he has two lovely children 03:34 and a wonderful wife. 03:35 And his message today is, 03:37 for all of you who are tuning in because it's entitled 03:40 "Married and Merry, Single and Satisfied." 03:44 "Married and Merry, Single and Satisfied." 03:48 He's going to bless us in just a few moments. 03:51 But I'd like to invite you to bow your heads with me 03:53 before I introduce to you 03:54 who our music is going to be for this broadcast. 03:56 Let's invite the Lord's presence to be with us. 04:00 Our gracious Father in heaven, we thank You, Heavenly Father, 04:03 for this opportunity to come before you, 04:06 and as You prepare Your manservant 04:08 to be an instrument to communicate 04:10 what you have prepared for us today, 04:13 we pray that You will send Your Holy Spirit now, 04:15 not only through your manservant, 04:17 but to open the hearts of those who will hear, 04:20 hear what the Spirit says to the church. 04:22 Connect those of us who are local 04:24 and those who are joining in 04:25 and tuning in from around the world. 04:27 And may your purpose for your eternal kingdom 04:29 be accomplish this day. 04:32 In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. 04:35 Now, we've already been blessed by Brother Mark Udo Williams, 04:40 who is a resident of Houston, Texas, 04:43 a young man that I've gotten to know over the last few days 04:46 and appreciate him very much and his wife. 04:49 And you would do well to get to know them, but you will, 04:52 for those of you are tuning in, unfortunately, 04:56 the only way you'll know him is by his music ministry. 04:59 And we're going to be blessed today 05:00 by a song that he's going to share, 05:02 right after Mark comes and sings the song 05:05 "Were it Not for Grace" 05:07 The next voice that you will he hear 05:08 will be that of Pastor Dr. Abraham Jules. 05:35 Time measured out my days 05:42 Life carried me along 05:50 In my soul I yearned to follow God 05:58 But knew I'd never be so strong 06:04 I looked hard at this world 06:09 To learn how heaven could be gained 06:18 Just to end where I began 06:23 Where human effort was all in vain 06:34 Were it not for grace 06:42 I can tell you where I'd be 06:49 Wandering down some pointless road to nowhere 06:57 With my salvation up to me 07:04 I know how that can go 07:11 The battles I would face 07:20 Forever running but losing the race 07:27 Were it not for grace 07:46 So here is all my praise 07:54 Expressed with all my heart 08:01 Offered to a Friend who took my place 08:10 And ran a course I could not start 08:16 And when He saw in full 08:22 Just how much His love would cost 08:30 He still went the final mile between me and heaven 08:38 So I would not be lost 08:46 Were it not for grace 08:54 I can tell you where I'd be 09:01 Wandering down some pointless road to nowhere 09:09 With my salvation up to me 09:16 I know how that can go 09:23 The battles I would face 09:33 Forever running but losing the race 09:41 Were it not for grace 09:49 Forever running but losing the race 09:57 Were it not for grace 10:35 Mark, thank you again for blessing our hearts today. 10:38 We're reminded in that song about the grace of our God, 10:42 and our Lord, and our Savior, Jesus Christ. 10:46 We are today, on God's holy day, 10:49 worshipping Him. 10:51 He has given to us these 24 hours of unblemished time 10:55 for worship and for fellowship. 10:58 We should thank John again 10:59 for his gracious words of introduction. 11:02 It's a joy to be here with you today. 11:05 The title of my message today is 11:07 "Married and Merry. Single and Satisfied." 11:12 Would you turn in your Bibles with me 11:14 to the Book of Genesis 29:15-25. 11:33 It reads, "And Laban had two daughters, 11:38 the name of the elder was Leah, 11:41 and the name of the younger was Rachel. 11:45 Leah was tender eyed, 11:48 but Rachel was beautiful and well favored. 11:53 And Jacob loved Rachel, and said, 11:57 'I will serve thee seven years for Rachel, 12:00 thy younger daughter.' 12:02 And Laban said, 'It is better that I give her to thee, 12:06 than that I should give her to another man, abide with me.' 12:10 And Jacob served seven years for Rachel, 12:15 and they seemed on to him but a few days, 12:19 for the love he had to her. 12:22 And then Jacob said on to Laban, 'Give me my wife, 12:25 for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. 12:30 And Laban gathered together 12:32 all the men of the place and made a feast. 12:36 And it came to pass in the evening 12:38 that he took Leah, his daughter and brought her to him. 12:42 And he went in on to her. 12:45 And Laban gave on to his daughter Leah, 12:47 Zilpah, his maid for an handmaid. 12:51 And it came to pass, that in the morning, 12:53 behold, it was Leah, and he said to Laban, 12:56 'What is this thou hast done unto me? 12:59 Did not I serve with thee for Rachel? 13:02 Wherefore then hast thou beguiled me?'" 13:07 Let us pray. 13:08 Father, we invoke Your presence in our midst 13:11 and we pray for Your blessings 13:14 to rest upon Your people and upon this word. 13:17 Hide Your servant even now behind the Cross of Calvary. 13:20 And may Jesus in His beauty be seen, felt and heard. 13:25 We pray this prayer in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. 13:28 Amen. 13:30 Amen. Amen. 13:33 This message today is for married couples, 13:38 prospects, engaged people, 13:42 and those who are still on the market. 13:45 In other words, it's for folks who wish they were married 13:50 and folks who are very sorry to ever got married. 13:55 The story is told about an attendant who, 13:58 while walking down the hallway at a mental institution, 14:01 saw a guy over in the corner, talking to himself 14:04 and he was saying, "Bessie, Bessie, Bessie." 14:10 So the attendant asked the man, 14:11 "Why are you here in this mental institution? 14:14 And why are you talking to yourself? 14:17 And why are you saying, 'Bessie. Bessie, Bessie?'". 14:21 He said, "I'm in this mental institution 14:23 because Bessie wouldn't marry me." 14:27 He kept walking down the hallway, 14:29 saw another guy over in the corner, 14:30 he was talking to himself 14:32 and he was saying, "Bessie, Bessie, Bessie." 14:36 And the attendant said, 14:38 "Why are you in this institution, man? 14:39 And why are you talking to yourself? 14:41 And why are you saying, Bessie, Bessie, Bessie?" 14:45 He said, "I'm in this mental institution 14:47 because I married Bessie." 14:51 We all know about love at first sight. 14:55 And many times, it's not love at first sight, 14:58 but lust at first sight. 15:01 But we use the phrase 15:02 and maybe we can add another phrase to our vocabulary, 15:06 and that is love at second sight 15:10 because that's a phenomenon that many couples experience. 15:13 Not love at first sight, but love at second sight. 15:18 A man was wearing a wedding band on the occ-- 15:20 on one hand and when asked why he did that? 15:24 He was wearing it on the wrong hand. 15:26 And when I asked why he did that, 15:27 he said, because he married the wrong woman. 15:31 Jacob married the wrong woman, Leah, 15:35 while his intent was to marry 15:38 Leah's super fine sister, Rachel. 15:41 When Jacob first met Rachel, it was love at first sight. 15:46 Jacob was so enraptured by the ravaging Rachel, 15:49 that he worked out a contractual agreement 15:52 with Rachel's father, Laban, 15:55 to work for him for seven years 15:58 to have his daughter's hand in marriage. 16:00 To have Rachel in his life, 16:03 seven years of labor was no sacrifice. 16:07 In fact, the writer of Genesis gives it a romantic flair. 16:10 He says the seven years were just like 16:13 a few days because he loved her. 16:17 Seven years passed and finally the wedding day came. 16:21 Wine flowed like water at the celebration. 16:24 And once the celebration was over, 16:27 Jacob was drunk and in a half drunken stupor, 16:32 he enters the honeymoon chamber. 16:34 And there waiting for him in the darkness of night, 16:37 is his fully veiled bride. 16:40 The marriage, we're told, is sexually consummated. 16:44 But the next morning, 16:46 Jacob is shocked into soberness. 16:49 He rolls over and looks at his wife and screams. 16:54 It's what you call an "OMG" moment. 16:58 In fact, look at verse 17, it said, 17:02 "Leah had tender eyes," or dull eyes. 17:07 Or as one commentator puts it, Leah was cross-eyed. 17:12 But look at Rachel. 17:14 The same verse says, "But Rachel was well favored," 17:19 or shapely and beautiful. 17:21 Now this is the only time in the entire Bible 17:24 that a writer describes the shape of a woman. 17:28 So that means if this writer 17:31 takes time to say that she was shapely, 17:34 then that means she was indeed shapely and beautiful. 17:38 He thought he had Rachel, but wakes up with Leah. 17:43 Now I want you men to understand 17:44 how he must've felt. 17:46 If on Sunday you got married to and had worked for seven years, 17:51 for Beyonce and you got drunk, 17:57 and woke up on Monday morning and rolled over, 18:00 and you ended up with Aunt Jemima. 18:04 A woman, how would you feel, 18:07 if on Sunday night you thought 18:08 you had worked for and married Denzel? 18:11 Only to wake up on Monday morning and roll over 18:14 and it's Flavor Flav? 18:18 Now you folk, you got to know a little bit about hip hop, 18:21 and what's going on to get this. 18:24 Now Jacob would later marry Rachel. 18:29 And he would work an additional seven years, 18:31 we're told, to have her. 18:33 And would subsequently have two wives 18:35 in a turbulent love triangle. 18:38 He was in love with Rachel, love at first sight. 18:42 Initially he did not love Leah, but guess what? 18:46 The Bible says, over a period of time, 18:49 which one do you believe had a greater impact on Jacob? 18:52 It was Leah. 18:54 Because Rachel would bear him two sons, Joseph and Benjamin. 18:58 But Leah, cross-eyed Leah, would bear him six sons. 19:02 One son was Levi from which the priest would descend. 19:05 And one son was named Judah. 19:08 And from the line of Judah comes King David 19:11 and our Savior, Jesus Christ. 19:13 And in addition, when they close out their lives 19:17 both his wives precede him in death. 19:19 Guess which one he decided to be buried next to? 19:23 Look at Genesis 49:29-31. 19:27 It says, "And he charged them, and said unto them, 19:30 'I am to be gathered unto my people: 19:33 bury me with my fathers in the cave 19:35 that is in the field of Ephron the Hittite. 19:38 In the cave that is in the field of Machpelah, 19:40 which is before Mamre, in the land of Canaan, 19:44 which Abraham bought with the field of Ephron the Hittite 19:47 for a possession of a burying place. 19:50 There they buried Abraham and Sarah his wife; 19:54 there they buried Isaac and Rebecca his wife, 19:57 and there I buried Leah.' 20:01 So at the beginning of the story, it's Rachel, 20:04 but by the end of the story, it's Leah, 20:07 which is to say that for Rachel it was love at first sight, 20:11 but for Leah, it became love at the second sight. 20:15 Now let me ask you a question. 20:16 Why do you think this story is in the Bible? 20:19 It's in the Bible for couples, prospects, 20:22 and person still on the market. 20:24 This story speaks volumes 20:27 and it teaches important lessons 20:29 for our generation. 20:31 And the first lesson, I believe, it teaches us is, 20:34 before you get married, take a long look. 20:39 Look beyond the veil. 20:42 Had Jacob looked beyond the veil, 20:44 he would have discovered 20:45 that he was not marrying the woman he thought he was. 20:50 And how many times have couples thought 20:52 that they were marrying one person only to wake up, 20:56 maybe not next night but six weeks later, 20:59 or a month later, and realize that this is not the person 21:02 I thought that I wanted to marry. 21:06 A little boy was asked in one occasion 21:08 who was Patrick Henry. 21:09 And he said, "Patrick Henry was that guy 21:11 who got married and soon thereafter said, 21:13 'Give me liberty or give me death.'" 21:18 Before you get married, before you walk down the aisle, 21:23 take a long protracted look at whom you're going to marry. 21:27 Because while love may be blind, 21:29 marriage is a real eye opener. 21:33 That is why there should be a courtship 21:35 before you get married. 21:37 What does court mean? 21:39 When you go to court, 21:41 you should be looking for evidence. 21:43 When you are single, keep both eyes open. 21:46 When you get married, just keep one shut. 21:50 During courtship, look for some evidence. 21:54 The Bible says, "Jacob was drunk." 21:57 And so, he didn't know what he was getting into. 22:01 And it's possible, my brothers and sisters, 22:04 to be drunk not with inebriating beverages, 22:07 but to be drunk on a fantasy. 22:10 And you can be so drunk that it blinds you 22:13 to who you're really marrying. 22:14 So you need to be sober. Listen to this principle. 22:19 A key to successful relationships, 22:21 major differences mean major adjustment. 22:27 Minor differences mean minor adjustments. 22:31 That is to say, that the more you have in common, 22:36 the more potential there is for a happy marriage. 22:39 The less you have in common, you may survive, 22:43 but you may feel like you are in a prison. 22:47 That is why the Bible says, 22:48 "Be ye not unequally yoked with unbelievers." 22:53 Do you know what that means? 22:55 You see in Bible times, 22:56 you could not yoke an ox with a mule 22:59 because they have two different natures. 23:02 The ox wants to move forward. 23:03 And while the ox is moving forward, 23:05 guess what the mule is doing. 23:07 He's just chewing the cud. 23:09 So the ox is arguing with the mule and says, 23:11 "Come on, let's move forward." 23:13 And the mule says, "You're moving too fast." 23:16 So the ox is frustrated and the mule is frustrated. 23:20 So if a mule wants to be slow, let him marry another mule. 23:25 And if an ox wants to move forward, 23:27 he should marry an ox. 23:30 You see most people, my brothers and sisters, 23:32 enter marriage with high expectation 23:35 but with very low preparation. 23:39 And when it comes to marriage, compatibility is the key. 23:44 Marriage, you see, is the act of two incompatible people 23:48 learning to become compatible via compassionate compromise. 23:52 I'm about to give you seven critical areas 23:55 of compatibility. 23:57 Number one, is your faith. 23:59 You need someone you can pray with, 24:03 trust God with, 24:04 and grow in a deep and abiding relationship with God. 24:09 Number two, second area of compatibility, education. 24:14 You need someone who can stimulate you intellectually. 24:18 If you're watching CNN 24:20 and they're constantly watching the cartoon channel, 24:23 you're gonna have a boring relationship. 24:26 If you are reading The Wall Street Journal 24:28 or The New York Times 24:29 and they're always reading just the National Enquirer 24:31 and other tabloids, you're gonna be bored. 24:34 If you've got a Ph.D. and he or she's got-- 24:37 is a high school dropout, 24:39 you're going to have problems, generally speaking. 24:42 But I am certain there are exceptions, 24:44 my brothers and sisters. 24:46 Third area of compatibility, is ambition. 24:49 You are ambitious and he is not or she is not, 24:53 you'll have problems. 24:55 Fourth area, child rearing. 24:58 If you are a parent that believes 24:59 that children should have boundaries 25:01 but your spouse allows your child to do anything, 25:04 say anything, 25:05 then there'll be constant battles in the home. 25:08 Number five, hobbies and leisure. 25:11 If you are the outdoorsman type, 25:13 you love to exercise or you are into sports 25:16 and your partner doesn't want to do anything 25:17 but lay around the couch and become the couch potato, 25:20 then that can engender frustration. 25:23 Number six, money and spending, sixth area of compatibility. 25:28 If you are the kind of person 25:30 that wants to save and be frugal, live by a budget 25:33 but you're married to a person 25:34 who could care less about a budget, 25:36 you've got your work cut out for you. 25:39 The poet said there was a wonderful couple, 25:42 but they had one fatal flaw. 25:44 One was quick with the deposit, 25:46 the other was quicker with the withdrawal. 25:48 It's only when you say together, 25:50 "We will manage deposits and withdrawals." 25:53 When you are comparable with someone, 25:55 the success of the marriage is high. 25:57 Seventh area of compatibility, 26:00 their needs to be sexual compatibility. 26:03 If you are a microwave 26:05 and you're married to a crock pot, 26:09 or if your name is "ever ready" 26:11 and the other person's name is "never ready," 26:14 you'll be frustrated. 26:16 That is why you need to take a long look 26:18 because sometimes they can veil it. 26:22 Well, too many single people 26:24 view their singleness in a negative light, 26:28 saying that they are tired of being single. 26:31 What does that mean to be single? 26:33 Any dictionary will have these words or synonyms for single. 26:37 It means to be separate, unique, and a whole. 26:41 Would you like to stop being whole, 26:44 and would you like to stop being a unique person? 26:48 You see, the world's definition which the church has adopted, 26:51 that you are not whole and unique, 26:53 opens the door to hurt, rejection, and self-hatred. 26:57 God did not say, "Adam is not a whole being, 27:01 so I will make him a wife to complete him." 27:03 In essence, God said, 27:05 "I am going to make him a helper, 27:07 who will be compatible, or suitable, or like him." 27:10 Another being, who will complement him 27:13 and be complemented by him. 27:16 Ladies and Gentlemen, we put marriage in verse 18, 27:19 when it's not there. 27:20 Marriage comes in verse 22. 27:22 And what we need to understand is that 27:25 God made his second human being not just for Adam to marry, 27:29 but in order that Adam would not be alone. 27:33 A lot of people are married, are not married that is, 27:37 and they are not alone. 27:38 So we need to stop pressuring unmarried people 27:41 into marriage with a subtle 27:43 and not so subtle insinuations like, 27:46 "When are you gonna get married?" 27:47 Well, I was pastoring a church in Brooklyn. 27:50 I was single at the time. 27:51 There was a lady who came to the door every Sabbath 27:53 and she said to me, 27:54 "Pastor, when in the world 27:55 are you gonna get us some cooked cake to eat?" 27:57 Talking about wedding cake. 27:59 So I used to really resent that moment 28:03 when she came to me every Sabbath. 28:05 So one week, I planned for her. 28:07 I said when she gets to door, I have an answer for her. 28:09 She came to the door and said to me, she said, 28:10 "Pastor, when are you gonna get us some cake to eat?" 28:13 I said, "The next time I go to the bakery." 28:14 That was the last time she told me about that cake. 28:18 The good book says, "There was a not another like him. 28:22 Eve was not created primarily as a wife, 28:25 but as another like-Adam 28:27 who would be a companion and then later a wife. 28:31 In Genesis 2:18, God did not say, 28:33 it's not good for man to be single. 28:35 No, he said, "It's not good for the man to be alone." 28:37 Singleness does not mean rejection. 28:40 Singleness is neither a stigma nor a social disease. 28:44 The problem is single people 28:46 sometimes view their single status 28:48 as one big waiting room, 28:50 waiting for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right to come along 28:54 and rescue them from a fate more horrible than death itself 28:58 and that is being single. 29:00 We need to understand 29:01 that God has not advocated one lifestyle, marriage. 29:06 And those who missed out, 29:07 they got second best called singleness. 29:10 Marriage is great but being single is also great. 29:15 That's why Paul says, in whatsoever state you're in, 29:19 therewith to be content. 29:21 There are dangers, my brothers and sisters, 29:23 in allowing ourselves to think, 29:25 that marriage is the only normal lifestyle 29:28 and it will solve all of our problems. 29:31 When you think that way, you place 29:33 an unduly heavy responsibility and expectation on marriage, 29:38 which it will not be able to live up to. 29:41 And you are asking too much of the person 29:44 who you plan to spend the rest of your life with. 29:46 There is one thing worse than being single, 29:49 and that is being unhappily married. 29:52 And it's better to be single and wished you were married, 29:55 than married and wished you were single. 29:59 May I identify seven missteps that single people make? 30:03 Number one, many are consumed with the desire to get married. 30:08 And when this happens, a person usually becomes less attractive 30:13 because that message is unconsciously transmitted 30:17 through body language, facial expressions, 30:20 conversations and the like. 30:22 I did not say you should lose your desire to be married, 30:25 but that you will not be consumed by it. 30:29 Second misstep, some single people accept 30:32 too much garbage in unhealthy relationships. 30:36 Sometimes they are abused, disrespected, 30:38 degraded, and used, and they are still holding on. 30:42 They're not treated tenderly 30:43 and they become emotionally dependent on stuff 30:46 they call being in love. 30:48 Do you know that some relationships 30:49 if you ended them right now, 30:51 the happiness quotient of your life 30:52 would just be out of this world? 30:54 And the quality of your life would be drastically enhanced. 30:57 So how do you get out? 30:59 Matthew 5:29 and 30 says, 31:01 "If your right hand offends you cut it off. 31:05 And if your eye offends you, pluck it out." 31:07 There will be no easy way. 31:09 It will be painful and you'll experience loss 31:12 but learn to respect yourself 31:14 and get up because the Bible says, 31:17 "I can do all things through Christ 31:19 who strengthens me." 31:21 Number three, third misstep. 31:23 Single people get physically involved 31:25 too soon and go too far. 31:28 Some individuals protest 31:29 it's impossible to be single and go without sex. 31:33 They claim the reason why we have bodies 31:35 is for sexual fulfillment 31:37 and we were made for each other. 31:39 Listen to me. 31:40 The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 6: 12-19, 31:43 it reminds us that we were made for God 31:46 and our bodies are the temple of the Holy Ghost. 31:48 Yes, God gave us sex to enhance our married lives 31:51 but that is not the primary reason we have bodies. 31:56 Fourth misstep, we rationalize a bad relationship 32:00 is better than no relationship. 32:03 Aloneness and loneliness are not the same. 32:06 We fear being alone 32:08 because we think being alone means being lonely. 32:11 That's why God gave us 32:13 over six billion people in this world. 32:15 Fifth misstep, panic. Where are the men? 32:19 I'm being a little more gender specific at this time. 32:22 It is one thing to recognize the shortage. 32:24 But it's another thing 32:26 to let that reality control and depress you. 32:28 Ephesians 3:17-19, 32:30 in the English Standard Version, 32:32 it says, "So that Christ may dwell 32:35 in your hearts through faith - 32:37 that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 32:39 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints 32:43 what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 32:47 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, 32:51 that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." 32:55 Philippians 1: 9-11, Colossus 1:9 tell us the same. 32:59 And what these verses of scriptures, scripture, 33:02 what they're saying is, that fulfillment comes 33:05 when we are filled with the fullness of God, His spirit 33:09 and filled with the knowledge of God's Will. 33:13 Jeremiah 29:11 says, 33:15 "For I know the plans, I have for you." 33:17 And two verses later, he says, "You will seek me and find me." 33:22 You can know a totally fulfilling life 33:24 when your life is filled with Jesus Christ. 33:28 And the scarcity of eligible Christian men 33:30 is not your major problem. 33:33 Our problem is trust in God in every area of our lives. 33:38 The more I know Him, the more I trust Him, 33:41 the less I worry, and the less I worry, 33:45 the more I am contented and joyful. 33:48 Sixth misstep, women running on emotions. 33:53 Whether our culture wants to admit it or not, 33:55 men and women are created differently. 33:59 It is a part of a woman's nature to be nurturing, 34:02 tender hearted, caring and emotional. 34:05 And it is a part of a man's nature 34:07 to be logical, factual, and practical. 34:10 Now I am sure that there are exceptions, 34:12 but these are broad generalizations. 34:15 So making decisions based on how you feel, 34:18 separating feeling from rational thought 34:21 should be your goal. 34:22 Because what you feel 34:24 tend to have priority over truth. 34:27 And what you feel is more important 34:29 than principles and values. 34:31 A sign of maturity is the ability to recognize 34:36 and acknowledge your feelings without discounting them 34:40 and put them in their proper place 34:41 when it comes to decision making. 34:43 Women in love with the wrong men. 34:47 Most women date the same man with different names. 34:52 So you've got to learn to subject your feelings 34:55 to good counsel, common sense and biblical principles. 35:00 Seventh misstep, men are too visually oriented. 35:05 It seems to be a physiological fact 35:08 that men response to visual stimuli 35:10 much more than women do. 35:12 And women respond more to verbal stimuli than men do. 35:16 The great danger for men is, they would sometimes forego 35:20 investigating character and personality, 35:23 because most men marry body parts. 35:28 They say love is blind 35:30 but I know that love is not blind. 35:33 It sees more than we care to admit. 35:35 But since love is a compromise, 35:38 we recognize less and deal with the pain more. 35:41 A couple was asked, how do you know you're in love? 35:44 And the woman says, 35:46 "Well, Pastor, when I see him, I can't breathe." 35:49 She was not in love, she had asthma. 35:55 Let me give you some biblical principles 35:57 for people who are dating. 35:59 What kind of person should you date? 36:01 The Living Bible 2 Timothy 2:22 says, 36:03 "Run from anything that gives you the evil thoughts 36:06 that young men often have. 36:07 But stay close to anything that makes you want to do right. 36:10 Have faith, and love, and enjoy the companionship of those 36:13 who love the Lord and have pure hearts." 36:16 Secondly, don't date someone who claims to be a Christian, 36:18 but doesn't live like it. 36:20 1 Corinthians 5:11 says, "What I meant was that 36:22 you are not to keep company with anyone 36:24 who claims to be a brother Christian, 36:26 but indulgences in sexual sins, or is greedy, 36:29 or is a swindler, or worships idols, 36:31 or is a drunkard, or is abusive. 36:33 Don't even eat lunch with him." 36:36 Third, avoid dating anyone with a bad temper. 36:39 Proverbs 22:24 says, 36:41 "Keep away from angry, short tempered men, 36:43 lest you learn to be like them and endanger your soul." 36:47 Don't date a lazy Christian. 36:49 2 Thessalonians 3:6 says, 36:52 "Now, here is a command, dear brothers. 36:54 Given in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ by His authority, 36:57 stay away from any Christian 36:59 who spends his days in laziness. 37:01 And does not follow the ideal of hard work 37:04 we set up for you." 37:05 In other words, if you don't work 37:07 nothing in your life will. 37:10 Further, don't. 37:12 Well, inner beauty counts the most 37:14 when you're looking for a spouse. 37:16 1 Peter 3:4 says, "Be beautiful inside 37:19 in your hearts with the lasting charm 37:20 of a gentle and quiet spirit that is so precious to God. 37:24 Next, don't date someone with a-- 37:28 date someone with a good attitude, that is. 37:30 Romans 15:5 and 6 says, 37:32 "May God who gives patience, steadiness, and encouragement, 37:35 help you to live in complete harmony with each other, 37:38 each with the attitude of Christ toward the other." 37:41 Next, what you should avoid on dates. 37:44 1 Corinthians and also Romans 13:13 says, 37:47 "Be decent and true in everything you do, 37:49 so that all can approve your behavior." 37:51 Don't spend your time 37:53 in the wild parties and getting drunk, 37:54 or in adultery and lust of fighting and jealousy. 37:57 Furthermore, dating should not include a sexual relationship. 38:01 1 Corinthians 6: 13 and 18. 38:03 And Ladies and Gentlemen, when you're getting married, 38:05 please marry someone of the opposite sex. 38:12 God will give you your heart's desire. 38:16 Psalm 37:4 and Matthew 6:8, "Be delighted with the Lord, 38:21 and He will give you all your heart's desires." 38:24 "Remember, your father knows what you need 38:25 before you ask Him." 38:27 The Bible says, "Leah veiled some things." 38:31 And people can veil who they really are. 38:33 You need to observe how people interact with their family. 38:36 If you're dating a man who will not respect, 38:39 and honor, and cherish his mother more than likely 38:41 he will not respect, love, and cherish you. 38:45 Don't only date, take a long look before you marry. 38:49 But this story teaches secondly, 38:52 an important lesson and that is, 38:54 you need to take a long look before you get a divorce. 38:58 What would you have done 38:59 if you thought you've married Halle Berry 39:00 and ended up instead, with Miss. Sealy. 39:04 Or you thought, you had Tyrese 39:05 and it turned out to be Flavor Flav. 39:07 What would you do? I think, I know what you'll do. 39:09 It's called annulment or divorce. 39:11 And many of us are quick to file for divorce. 39:14 Before you do that, take a long look. 39:17 I'm sure on that morning, 39:19 when Jacob awoke to a nightmare with Leah, 39:22 he never thought that he would want 39:24 to be buried next to of all people, Leah. 39:27 But you know what happened? Leah changed. 39:31 Leah grew, she matured and developed. 39:34 You know there are two kinds of love in marriage. 39:36 One is called caring love. 39:38 Caring love is when you maintain your marriage 39:41 because you care about the person. 39:43 So if you are in it, my brother, my sister, 39:46 but you don't push my buttons, you don't float in my boat, 39:49 you're not the cream in my decaf, 39:51 but I do care about you. 39:52 And there is the highest form of love. 39:55 It's called sacrificial love. 39:57 But then there's another kind of love 39:59 that's important in marriage. 40:00 And it's called romantic love. 40:03 Romantic love is a feeling of incredible attraction 40:07 because the person you're married to 40:09 is meeting your needs. 40:11 And because love is our deepest need. 40:14 Our greatest fear is rejection. 40:17 In marriage, we seek a lifelong companion 40:21 who will help keep our love alive. 40:25 Even though only God can meet that love in the deepest level, 40:28 our spouse is the second most important source in life 40:31 for intimacy and faithful love. 40:35 We're God's primary vessel to reveal His love to them. 40:39 However, when we are not paying a proper attention 40:41 to the love needs in our spouses, 40:44 they will begin to feel rejected. 40:46 Now this is one of our most primal responses 40:49 when we feel as though we are being ignored, 40:51 taken for granted, or put in second place. 40:54 Listen to me. 40:56 Men feel rejected 40:57 when their wives are not sexually responsive, 41:00 or putting the children or other things before them. 41:03 And women feel rejected when their husbands 41:06 are emotionally passive toward them 41:08 and show greater interest in work, 41:11 friends, sports or something else. 41:14 Sometimes when we feel rejected 41:16 we respond in unhealthy ways which serve to only exacerbate 41:21 what's already wrong in the relationship. 41:23 Whenever your spouse makes you feel goofy and loved 41:26 and you feel appreciated and special, 41:28 your marriage can last a lifetime. 41:31 But marriage is not for lazy people. 41:34 Marriage takes work, for the Bible says, 41:37 "You should live with your spouse with understanding." 41:40 Which means, you need to find out, 41:42 what makes your spouse happy. 41:44 And do everything in your power to meet those needs. 41:48 Men and women are wired up differently. 41:51 And what makes a woman happy, 41:53 may not make a man happy and vice versa. 41:56 Men, remember, that women get excited 41:59 and romantically in love with you 42:01 when they experience your love and undivided attention. 42:05 If you are going to honor marriage, 42:07 the first way you do that, is by understanding 42:10 the fundamental differences between men and woman. 42:14 There's a book that I would like 42:15 to recommend to you and it's called 42:17 "Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti." 42:21 And why are men like waffles? 42:23 Remember what waffles are? 42:25 On the waffles are small boxes 42:27 that are separated from each other 42:29 and those boxes represent how men process reality. 42:34 For example, take sexuality, for instance. 42:37 For men, sex isn't a box by itself, 42:40 independent of emotions or feelings. 42:43 On the other hand, women are like spaghetti. 42:46 Spaghetti is interconnected, interwoven. 42:49 Let's say somewhere, for example, 42:51 in those noodles, is a sex noodle 42:53 and you're trying to figure it out and which one it is, 42:55 what you've got to do is pull on the emotion noodle. 42:58 And then you've got to, 42:59 got to pull on the let's-go-for-a-walk noodle. 43:01 And then you've got to pull on 43:03 the let-me-help-you -clean-the-house noodle. 43:04 And then somewhere interwoven all of that 43:07 might just be the sex noodle. 43:10 You all, say amen. 43:13 For men, you don't have to pull on any noodle. 43:17 A second book I would like to recommend to you 43:19 is a book by William Harley 43:21 entitled "His Needs, Her Needs." 43:24 And this book is absolutely without equal, 43:27 when it comes to understanding your spouse. 43:29 Dr. William Harley says in this book 43:31 that both men and woman, each have an emotional bank. 43:34 And when I work hard to meet my wife's emotional needs, 43:37 she experiences an irresistible, 43:40 unquenchable romantic love toward me. 43:43 And when she meets my needs on a consistent basis, 43:47 not needs she wants me to have, 43:49 not needs she thinks I ought to have 43:52 but needs I actually have. 43:54 Love me not the way you want to love me 43:55 but love me the way I want to be loved. 43:58 When you meet my needs it creates romantic love. 44:02 But if I don't meet her needs and she does not meet my needs, 44:05 we may stay married just a front. 44:08 And Dr. Harley calls this 44:10 "Required love not romantic love." 44:13 Romantic love is passion, required love is prison. 44:18 Here are men's five basic emotional needs 44:21 that Dr. Harley gives to us. 44:23 Number one, sex. 44:26 For most men, sex ranks one, two, three, four and five. 44:32 If you want your husband 44:34 to remain deeply in love with you, 44:36 constantly deposit good sex into his love bank. 44:40 Now don't be like the Shulamite woman 44:42 in the romance book of the Bible of Song of Solomon. 44:44 And if you read that book it will make you blush. 44:47 Chapter 4:12, he says, 44:49 "You are a garden locked up, my sister, 44:52 my bride, you are a spring enclosed, 44:55 a sealed fountain." 44:56 Locked up, she had a garden of sexuality. 44:59 But every time a husband wants to enter the garden 45:02 she has it locked up. 45:04 I would admit that men are a little brain damaged 45:07 and when you say no to their sexual advances, 45:11 they don't hear "no", 45:12 what they hear is "you don't love me." 45:15 You're disrespecting me and I'm not wanted. 45:19 Sex in marriage is an area where angels fear to tread. 45:23 Sex is God's ideal. 45:25 And most of you are here today because of it. 45:31 I know some of you have thought 45:32 you've made some other arrangements. 45:35 A twelve year old boy asked his dad, how was I born? 45:38 And his dad said a stoke. 45:40 So he asked his mother, "Mom, how were you born?" 45:43 And she said she was found in a cabbage patch. 45:46 So he went to his grandmother and said, 45:47 "Grandma, how were you born?" 45:49 And his grandmother said, 45:51 "I was found in a Christmas stocking." 45:53 So the boy went to school and told his biology teacher. 45:56 To the best of my knowledge 45:57 there has not been a normal birth in my family 45:59 for three generations. 46:04 St. Paul's command to man is, 46:05 let every man have his own wife. 46:08 The point is, sex outside of marriage 46:11 is absolutely forbidden. 46:13 You hear some men say but my wife is frigid. 46:16 Well, you got to find a way to light a fire and stay home. 46:19 Paul also commands that 46:21 "every man rendered his wife due benevolence." 46:24 What does that mean? It means sex. 46:26 Some of you are looking at me and say, 46:27 well, I never will and it shows. 46:30 Due benevolence literally translates, 46:32 the payment of what is due. 46:34 When you rent a house, rent comes due. 46:36 That's what you owe. 46:37 When you purchase a car, your car payment is due. 46:40 When you get married, 46:42 sex is the payment of what is due. 46:44 A husband looked very sick 46:46 and so his wife took him to the doctor, 46:48 the doctor examined the husband 46:49 and then invited his wife into his office and said, 46:51 I want to talk to you and shut the door behind her. 46:54 He said, I want you to cook this man 46:55 three square meals a day. 46:57 And I want you to have 46:59 a meaningful sexual relationship with him 47:02 and he'll be fine. 47:04 She slammed the door behind the doctor, 47:05 went into the car, they were driving home, 47:07 she wouldn't say a word. 47:08 Husband looks over and says, 47:10 "Sweetheart, when you went into the doctor's office 47:12 what did he say to you?" 47:13 She said, you're gonna die. 47:17 Which means there're just some things 47:18 that are not going to happen in this house. 47:21 The second need Dr. William Harley identifies 47:23 that a man has is an attractive life. 47:26 Men are visual. 47:28 So you've got to look your best. 47:30 Find out what your husband likes. 47:31 You should never look like an escaped scarecrow 47:34 when going to bed at night. 47:36 Got to get your hair fixed, your nails done, 47:38 look and smell good. 47:41 Third need men have is admiration. 47:43 Men want to be admired by their wives. 47:46 Make your husband feel strong, intelligent and respected. 47:50 However, respect is not just something given, it is earned. 47:54 The fourth emotional need a man has 47:56 is domestic competency. 47:59 Fifth emotional need is recreational companionship. 48:02 If basketball is your husband's thing 48:04 make basketball your thing. 48:06 Some of you may be saying, well, that's just not me. 48:09 Rick Warren, in his book "The Purpose Driven Life." 48:11 opens the book with these words, "It's not about you 48:15 and marriage is about preferring one another. 48:18 It's about servant love. 48:20 Working hard to meet the needs of your husband or your wife 48:23 but when you fall short don't live in condemnation. 48:25 Remember your 90% awesome and 10% under construction." 48:29 Now here are the five basic emotional needs 48:32 that women have that Dr. Harley gave to us. 48:35 According to Harley, 48:37 you want to deposit into your wife's love bank, 48:40 these emotional needs that are needed by her. 48:45 She cannot live without them. 48:46 Your relationship cannot survive 48:48 without these needs being met. 48:51 And the first one is affection. 48:53 And by affection, William Harley, 48:55 is not referring to sexual affection. 48:58 He's talking about inadvertent hugs 49:01 and loving words, 49:02 constantly showering her with kindness. 49:06 Secondly, is conversation. 49:09 It seems like men don't like to talk, 49:11 statistically, men use an average 49:13 of 1,200 words per day. 49:15 Women, on the other hand, 49:16 use an average of 2,400 words per day. 49:19 Men usually use up most of their words 49:21 before they get home at night. 49:23 Which means the wife still has about 49:25 1,200 words to use on her husband. 49:28 So men, please save some words for your wife. 49:31 Third emotional need of a woman is honesty and openness. 49:36 Women are turned off by duplicity, 49:39 they want authenticity, they want transparency. 49:43 Fourth, is financial support, 49:45 even when she has her own career and own money, 49:48 she wants to know that she has a man 49:49 who can take care of business. 49:51 In fact, there is no greater turnoff to a woman 49:54 than a man who is weak, wimpy and needy. 49:58 There's a fifth emotional need that woman have 50:01 and that's family commitment, 50:02 because women are created as nurturers. 50:05 Family is important to them. 50:08 And men need to communicate to their wives 50:10 the following "T" words. 50:11 Talk, you communicate love to you wife by talking to her. 50:15 And when she wants to talk, 50:16 don't try to fix what she's talking about. 50:18 Because when a women talk to their husbands, 50:20 they're not talking to their husbands 50:22 to fix what they're talking about, 50:24 they're talking because they just want to vent. 50:26 By nature, we men like to fix things. 50:29 In fact, one of the great minds of our day, 50:31 the great scholar and philosopher 50:33 by the name of Chris Rock 50:38 has given this advice to men when their wives want to talk. 50:40 Chris Rock said, "Instead of trying to fix it, 50:42 just say, "Yeah, ah-ha, get outta here, no kidding. 50:48 And three minutes later, say the same thing, 50:50 Yeah, ah-ha, get outta here, no kidding. 50:54 And every three minutes repeat the same thing. 50:56 She will be a happy wife." 51:00 Second "T" word is time. 51:04 Give her all the time in the world. 51:05 I have what I call WDW day. 51:08 And that is Whatever Dominic Wants. 51:11 That's on my calendar. She has that entire day. 51:14 And every time she has that day, 51:16 I say, "What do you want to do?" 51:18 Inevitably it is, "Let's go shopping." 51:21 Because woman shop like they're on a mission from God Almighty. 51:27 And the third, third "T" word is touch. 51:30 Embrace her, hold her, 51:32 and create a physical bond with your wife. 51:36 There was a couple that argued all the time 51:37 and their children decided to give them a gift 51:40 to go to a marriage counselor. 51:42 Then they argued over who would drive 51:44 to the marriage counselor's office. 51:46 Then when they arrived, 51:47 they argued about who would talk first. 51:49 And the marriage counselor went over to the wife 51:51 and hugged her, touched her, in front of her husband. 51:54 And looked over at her husband and said, 51:56 "She needs a hug like this, three times a week." 52:00 And the man said to the marriage counselor, 52:02 "I'm gonna bring her back 52:04 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday." 52:06 You've got to touch her. 52:08 And the final "T" word is thoughtfulness. 52:11 Do some thoughtful things on a consistent basis. 52:14 You do the dishes, tell her to take a seat, 52:16 take a load off, you do the laundry. 52:18 Well, somebody may say, "Well, that is not me." 52:20 So why did you get married? 52:22 If you're not thoughtful and as Paul said, 52:24 "Preferring one another, 52:25 you're setting up the relationship 52:27 for unhappiness or eventually, a fall." 52:30 When people have a fierce, even when you're not the cause, 52:33 you can become a contributor. 52:35 Go ahead and fill up your spouse's love bank. 52:38 And nothing is sexier to woman 52:41 than a strong, loving and sensitive man. 52:45 Every woman wants a gentleman 52:47 with just a little Christian thug in him. 52:51 But nothing turns a woman off more 52:53 than a man who's a wimp, who's always crying. 52:57 If your wife is a Leah, 52:58 you can change her sometimes to Rachel, 53:01 just by the things you do. 53:04 And the same goes for wives. 53:06 You are hoping to marry Denzel but you've got Flavor Flav. 53:08 And sometimes even Flavor Flav can change 53:11 if the wife does the right thing. 53:13 Number one, take a long look before you get married. 53:15 Number two, take a long look before you get divorced. 53:18 And number three, take a long look at yourself. 53:21 If I've married a wrong woman and treat her the wrong way, 53:24 if I married a right woman, excuse me, 53:26 and treated her a wrong way, she'll become the wrong woman. 53:30 But if I married the wrong woman, 53:32 and treat her the right way, 53:33 she might become the right woman. 53:35 More important than marrying the right person 53:38 is that I be the right kind of person in the marriage, 53:41 which means I should honestly ask myself, 53:44 if I would ever want to marry me. 53:47 Over two decades, 53:49 marriage specialist have researched 53:51 the ingredients of a marriage, Happy marriage. 53:54 And reported that happily married couples 53:57 will have these things in common. 53:59 Healthy expectations of marriage, 54:02 a realistic concept of love, 54:05 a positive attitude and outlook toward life, 54:08 the ability to communicate their feelings, 54:11 and understanding and acceptance 54:13 of the agenda differences, 54:16 the ability to make decisions and settle arguments, 54:20 a common spiritual foundation, and a set of goals. 54:25 Psychiatrist, John Levy writes, "People who have found 54:29 everything disappointing are surprised and pained 54:32 when marriage is no exception." 54:35 Most of the complaints about marriage arise 54:38 not because it's worse than the rest of life. 54:41 But because it is incomparably better. 54:44 There's a myth that successful couples who are meant to be 54:49 and made for each other. 54:51 Couples who swallowed the myth 54:52 that their spouse will make them whole 54:55 become dependent on their partner in a way 54:57 that is by all standards unhealthy. 55:00 These couples cultivate 55:02 what experts call enmeshed relationship, 55:06 characterized by a general reliance on their spouses 55:09 for general support, assurance, and the wholeness. 55:13 It is usually couples with low self-esteem 55:16 and a sense of inferiority 55:19 that is easily controlled by their partners. 55:22 Wholeness, however, 55:23 is found in an interdependent relationship, 55:27 in which two people with self respect and dignity 55:30 make a commitment to nurture 55:32 his or her own spiritual growth as well as their partners. 55:37 When asked, what makes a good marriage, 55:40 the answer by 90% of the population 55:42 is being in love. 55:44 Robert Sternberg, a Yale University psychologist, 55:47 has developed a triangular model of love. 55:50 It has three sides, passion, Intimacy, and love. 55:56 Passion is sensual and sexual, 55:58 characterized by physiological arousal 56:01 and an intense desire for physical affection. 56:05 Pure passion is self-seeking 56:07 until it is linked with intimacy. 56:09 Love without intimacy is only a hormonal illusion. 56:14 In finding the love of your life, 56:16 Neil Clark Warren identifies a lack of intimacy 56:20 as the number one enemy of marriage. 56:23 He goes on to say that 56:25 if two people do not know each other deeply, 56:29 they can never merge or bond, 56:31 becoming what the Bible calls, one flesh. 56:34 Without intimacy they will be isolated and alone. 56:38 And commitment now 56:40 is the third side of this triangle. 56:42 Commitment looks to the future 56:44 that cannot be seen 56:45 and promises to be there until death. 56:49 Commitment creates a small island of certainty 56:52 in the swirling waters of uncertainty. 56:55 My brothers and sisters, 56:57 God has called us to be a loving, kind and sacrificial. 57:02 Our home life should be a happy place. 57:06 "With Jesus in the family, it will be a happy home." 57:11 And many times we leave Christ out of the equation. 57:14 Today, He is calling us to make that commitment, 57:17 to bring back the family altar, to pray together as a family, 57:22 to be caring, to be loving, and to be kind. 57:26 My favorite Christian writer says 57:28 that if we would put aside pride for 15 minutes, 57:34 it will solve a thousand problems. 57:37 May God bless us 57:38 and may God bless our fellow members. |
Revised 2015-11-30