Participants:
Series Code: LAC
Program Code: LAC180004A
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00:01 I had one abortion as a non- Christian, the second abortion
00:04 I had as a Christian. The second abortion became a secret 00:09 that imprisoned me for over 30 years. 00:13 How could God reach me and draw me out of this dark prison? 00:18 Find out on Life After Choice. 00:38 Hello, my name is Loretta Mix, I am a pastor's wife... 00:42 Welcome to Life After Choice. 00:45 In Jeremiah, God says to us, "I have loved you with an 00:51 everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving kindness." 00:54 I want to share with you my journey through two 00:58 very different abortions and how God drew me to Him. 01:02 I was raised in a non-Christian home of six to eight children, 01:07 nothing about religion was ever talked about in my home. 01:10 I enjoyed being part of a big family. 01:13 In my childhood I learned that you have to be beautiful to be 01:18 valuable. My mother always was telling me that I was ugly, 01:24 that my ears stuck out and my nose was too big. 01:26 But somehow I knew that my dad loved me. 01:30 Overall though, I had a very happy childhood. 01:35 I have had to learn many things the hard way. 01:38 The first time I got drunk, I ended up in jail. 01:42 The first time I had sex, I ended up pregnant. 01:45 I was 20 years old, some of my family members counseled me 01:50 to have an abortion. Because it was illegal to have an abortion 01:55 at that time, I ended up going to a hotel room 02:00 and meeting a physician and having the procedure done there. 02:03 I felt very little guilt because I had no clue 02:07 of the value of life from God's perspective. 02:10 My family was very aware of what I had gone through. 02:15 At 21 I had no purpose in life other than having fun. 02:20 I was working in a bar as a cocktail waitressing... 02:24 cocktail waitress and living that lifestyle 02:27 drinking, dancing and friends. One morning I fainted, 02:33 I had never fainted before. I realized my lifestyle choices 02:37 were affecting my health and I needed to make a change. 02:41 God used many little seeds to plant in my heart that 02:49 impacted me. Seeds as simple as somebody saying, 02:53 God bless you Loretta. 02:55 One day at a doctor's office when I was 24 years old, 02:59 I picked up one of the blue Children's Bible Story Books 03:03 and I read the story of creation for the very first time. 03:07 Wow! There really is a God. I was invited to a boyfriend's 03:14 house and his grandfather said the blessing for our food. 03:19 It was the very first real prayer that I ever heard, 03:24 he sounded like he knew the God he was talking to. 03:27 I had a physician that would plant little seeds in me 03:33 whenever I saw him. 03:34 One day he said to me that my life would be going much better 03:38 if I had a relationship with the Lord. 03:41 I didn't understand what he meant. 03:44 Eventually he asked me if I would like to take 03:47 Bible studies, I heard myself saying yes. 03:52 I studied with a Bible instructor and at the age of 25 03:56 I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior 03:59 and was baptized. 04:00 I had a new freedom, I was loved, I was cleansed, 04:05 I was forgiven by God. I was filled with joy. 04:09 As a new Christian, I wanted to go to a Christian college, 04:13 my family didn't understand my desire to go away 04:17 to a Christian college, as none of them were Christians. 04:20 I left my local church, I left my support. 04:25 The first two quarters I couldn't qualify for 04:29 financial assistance so I took a small load of classes 04:33 and worked full time. 04:35 The next fall when I went back to school, I took a full load 04:38 of classes and worked two part time jobs. 04:42 I ended up making it through fall quarter but 04:45 by winter quarter I became exhausted and overwhelmed. 04:49 I couldn't keep up. While I was overwhelmed, I was invited 04:55 to go play pool with an acquaintance. 04:57 I got pregnant that night. 05:00 The guy told me to have an abortion and do not tell anyone. 05:05 Now I have to make a choice, adoption or abortion. 05:11 This time I am a Christian. This time I had nobody I could 05:18 talk to, I had no support. I couldn't tell my family 05:22 because they were non- Christians and I was 05:24 supposed to be the example for them. 05:26 I felt like I couldn't tell my church because 05:30 what would they think? 05:32 I was afraid, I felt so terribly alone. 05:36 I struggled with making a decision. 05:39 Adoption or abortion. I didn't know what to do. 05:44 Because of my relationship with my dad, I believed 05:48 every child should have a father. 05:50 I went to a pregnancy clinic and basically they set up my 05:54 abortion, there was no counseling nor anyone 05:58 to talk to about what would be the best choice for me. 06:01 I had to travel two hours from the college 06:05 and because of a terrible snow storm, 06:07 I didn't think the doctor would be there. 06:11 I had prayed for God to guide me and I hoped He would 06:15 intervene, but the doctor was there and I ended up 06:20 going through the procedure. This second abortion 06:25 became a secret that became my prison. 06:30 Satan hammered me, you let God down, you let your family down, 06:35 you let your church down. What if somebody finds out 06:39 your secret? What kind of example are you? 06:44 I was a young Christian and I was a vulnerable target for 06:49 all of the devil's accusations. 06:51 I had an abortion as a Christian, I failed God, 06:55 my family, my church, I failed myself. Not only had I failed, 07:03 in my mind, I was a failure. 07:07 Satan kept hammering me, I hammered myself. 07:11 What if somebody finds out my secret? 07:16 I dropped out of school again that winter quarter, finally the 07:22 next fall I had financial assistance, 07:25 so I went back to the Christian College 07:27 but I was having a very hard time, guilt, failure, 07:34 regret, I felt I had betrayed God, I felt so worthless. 07:41 I couldn't let it go, my secret was holding me captive. 07:46 I didn't know how to get beyond it. 07:49 I just didn't believe that God would still love me. 07:53 Little did I know about God's persistent love. 07:58 I made it through Fall quarter and then Winter quarter... 08:02 I had run into the guy that had gotten me pregnant 08:04 the year before. I was having a hard time processing 08:09 this abortion, I thought he would listen. 08:15 I needed somebody to talk to because I was having such a 08:20 hard time. When he came in, he said nothing, 08:25 he simply picked me up, carried me into the bedroom 08:29 and raped me. The rape made matters much worse. 08:33 I withdrew more, I was depressed, I had nobody, 08:38 nobody to talk to, I felt abandoned by God. 08:43 Two abortions, one as a Christian, one as a 08:48 non-Christian. What a difference. 08:50 I needed God desperately but how could I believe 08:56 His persistent love was for me? 08:59 Had God abandoned me? Was my sin greater than God's 09:05 grace? Satan kept hammering me, you murderer, you failed God, 09:10 you failed your family, you better not tell anyone. 09:14 What if somebody finds out? 09:17 I quit school again and moved back home. 09:21 In my mind, I failed again, I chose to believe a lie 09:26 about myself and a lie about God. 09:30 I still couldn't believe God's persistent love was for me. 09:36 How do you get out of this self-destructive thinking 09:40 and this prison of secrets? 09:43 How is God able to deliver someone like me? 09:47 God promises in Deuteronomy, 09:50 "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you, 09:55 He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid." 10:00 "Do not be discouraged." Could I accept this promise 10:05 for myself? A few years after the second abortion, 10:11 a young pastor, a minister came to minister at my local church. 10:16 I was not interested in him but God drew us together. 10:22 We gave Bible studies together, we worked together in our 10:26 youth group. We eventually grew in love and got married. 10:32 I was 30, now I am married to a Christian, a pastor. 10:39 On our honeymoon, Satan again hammered me. 10:44 You can't be a pastor's wife, you're a sinner. 10:48 What if somebody finds out your secret? 10:51 It took me down again. Inside or outside our marriage 10:59 looked fine, but inside I was hurting. 11:01 My husband didn't understand what I was going through. 11:05 The depression, the guilt, the lack of worth and the shame. 11:11 The secret was a constant prison for me and it robbed me 11:17 from being free to enjoy life. 11:20 It affected me as a wife and mother. 11:23 I was so wounded and depressed, I couldn't give my family 11:27 what they needed. I was robbed of the joy of Christianity 11:31 like I had when I first accepted Christ. 11:35 I felt like others could be saved but I could not be. 11:40 After several years, my husband finally told me 11:45 that I was still believing my mother's lies and Satan's lies. 11:50 I needed to practice telling myself the truth about 11:55 God's love for me and His forgiveness for me. 11:59 I had to learn to confront those lies with the truth 12:04 and make new grooves in my brain. I had to retrain my 12:09 thinking, I had to learn to choose to believe God's promises 12:15 were for me. His Word became the Lamp that led me out of my 12:23 prison and helped me to believe that His love was for me. 12:30 A few years ago, I was asked to speak at a Women's Retreat, 12:35 I was going to share with them my testimony, 12:40 how I came to Christ and my struggle through breast cancer 12:44 but God impressed me to speak about my deep dark secret. 12:49 I argued with Him, No Lord, I cannot share that. 12:54 But He kept saying share your secret. 12:59 During that time my daughter sent me a quote that said, 13:08 "Your story is the key that can unlock someone else's prison." 13:15 Share your testimony. She didn't know that God was calling me 13:20 to share about my deep dark secret. 13:22 A few days later I was in a Thrift Store and I saw a plaque 13:26 that, "If God takes you to it, He will get you through it." 13:32 I bought it thinking that it would be a blessing to someone. 13:39 On my way home, God impressed me that the message was for me. 13:44 I went home and I wept, no Lord, I cannot share that. 13:53 These nudges were God's affirmation that He wanted me 14:00 to share my deep secret. 14:02 I had kept the secret over 35 years and was finally 14:08 willing to share about my prison. 14:11 Sharing a very painful and scary was another step 14:17 toward freedom from Satan's lies. The combination of 14:22 retraining my thinking by telling myself the truth based 14:26 on God's Word and sharing my deep secret 14:29 set me free from Satan's lies and the bondage of darkness. 14:34 Thank God, His persistent love is enough for all of us, even me. 14:41 Jesus said, "The truth will set you free." |
Revised 2019-01-24