Participants:
Series Code: WHO
Program Code: WHO210065S
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00:28 Hello. I'm Shelley Quinn.
00:29 We are so glad that you're joining us 00:31 for 3ABN's Worship Hour. 00:35 Have you ever, as you're reading the Bible, 00:37 just scoped out? 00:39 Well, that's kind of what we're going to do today. 00:41 We're going to look at a Bible study that is examining 00:46 who is the author of our speech? 00:51 When we speak? 00:53 Do we impart a kiss of grace from spirit-lead lips? 00:58 What do we strike out with a sharp tongue poison? 01:03 That is the venom of the devil. 01:06 You know, we have to ask ourself 01:08 some questions. 01:10 And these are some questions 01:12 that God has given me for you to consider. 01:15 When you're caught in the cross hairs 01:17 of a heated conflict, 01:19 have you ever offered up a blistering response? 01:23 Or say somebody comes and they show 01:26 their vulnerable underbelly to you, 01:29 explaining their sadness 01:31 or their fear or discouragement. 01:33 When they are there with you are you supportive? 01:39 Or are you dismissive? 01:41 Do you give them an immediately some trite saying like, 01:45 "Oh, it's not that bad. 01:47 Count your blessings?" 01:49 When they leave your presence? 01:50 Do they feel validated, appreciated, respected? 01:54 Or are they feeling empty when they leave? 01:58 Would those who know you call you an encourager? 02:04 When people leave your presence, 02:07 do they feel good about themselves? 02:11 When people need advice, do they seek your advice? 02:16 Are you known for giving balanced 02:20 and wise counsel? 02:23 Or is your counsel skewed and foolish? 02:27 You know, Ecclesiastes 10:12-13 says this, 02:31 "The words of a wise man's mouth 02:36 or his words are gracious," but in contrast, 02:40 "the lips of a fool shall swallow him up, 02:43 the words of his mouth begin with foolishness, 02:46 and the end of his talk is raving madness. 02:52 Oh, please consider this scripture. 02:55 The next time you're about to launch into a tirade 02:59 with a family member or with a co-worker 03:02 or when you're about to post a rant on the Internet. 03:07 You know, I'm alarmed today's society, 03:12 we seem to indulge conversation, 03:16 that is obscene. 03:19 There is a lack of civility and respect. 03:23 In the conversations that go on in our world, 03:27 we hear finger-pointing malice and words 03:32 that are biting accusations and weathering, 03:37 weathering criticism with a lack of regard 03:41 for others feelings. 03:43 If you look at our world today, 03:46 there's just dark clouds of unkind words 03:51 that are stirring up strife. 03:54 And my question to you, is this Christian? 03:59 Are you separated from the fray? 04:02 You know, Christian conversation 04:06 should be elevated to God's standard. 04:10 Christian conversation, 04:12 our words should be Christ-like, 04:15 they should impart grace. 04:17 They should impart healing. 04:19 We ought to be shining light into the darkness, 04:24 rather than blowing out the lights. 04:27 The Bible speaks volumes 04:28 about the conversation of a Christian, 04:30 but our focus today, if you have your Bibles, 04:33 you want grab them 04:34 because we're going to spend some time 04:37 in both Thessalonians and Ephesians. 04:40 But before we begin, if ever I needed to pray, 04:44 right now is the time. 04:47 Heavenly Father, we come before You 04:48 in the name of Jesus. 04:50 So, Lord, this is a difficult message 04:53 and I pray in the name of Jesus. 04:56 Let these words be as a kiss of grace from you. 05:01 I pray in the name of Jesus helped me... 05:07 To share what you've put on my heart, 05:09 Lord, and let it be a kiss of grace 05:12 from Spirit-led lips, Lord. 05:14 We need to learn how to submit to You. 05:18 And we pray, Father, that You will put a guard 05:21 over the door post of our lips, 05:23 so that the fruit of our lips will be pleasing in Your sight. 05:29 We thank You in advance for the answer 05:31 to the prayer of faith in Jesus' name. 05:34 Amen. 05:36 I got my title, a kiss of grace from Spirit-led lips. 05:42 From Proverbs 24:26. 05:46 This was a scripture... 05:47 I don't actually remember having read before. 05:50 I was reading through Proverbs. 05:52 And this just jumped out at me. 05:54 In Proverbs 24:26 says, 05:57 "He who gives a right answer 06:01 kisses the lips." 06:03 Now you have to understand that in ancient times, 06:06 a kiss on the lips wasn't always romantic. 06:10 It was a show of concern 06:12 and respect and sincere affection. 06:16 And if you give a right answer, 06:19 the Bible says, "You're kissing the lips." 06:23 The only way that we can give a right answer 06:26 is it has to be... 06:27 If it's right, it's going to line up 06:28 with God's Word. 06:30 We have to be submitted to the Holy Spirit. 06:33 We have to be filled with the Spirit 06:37 so that our words reflect 06:39 the love and grace of God. 06:43 Now in contrast, when our words, 06:49 inflict, insult, and injury, let me tell you something. 06:54 The Holy Spirit is not the author. 07:00 Words that are sharp tongue poisoned, 07:04 come straight from the devil. 07:06 It is the devil's venom. 07:08 Psalm 140:3 says, "They sharpen their tongues, 07:13 like a serpent, like a snake, 07:16 the poison of asps is under their lips. 07:20 Selah." 07:22 Selah means pause. 07:25 Pause and consider this scripture. 07:28 The next time you are ready to strike out 07:32 and scorch someone with words 07:36 that will insult or bring injury, 07:39 whether it's to a family member behind closed doors 07:43 or an exchange with a co-worker or friend 07:47 or even a clerk at the store. 07:49 And particularly, please 07:52 let your words and your comments 07:55 on social media 07:58 not be authored by the devil. 08:02 James 3:6 says this, 08:04 "The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity." 08:09 It is set on fire by hell. 08:14 Then it goes on in James 3:8, he says, 08:17 "No man can tame the tongue." 08:19 Oh, mercy. 08:20 I'm doomed. 08:22 He said, "It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison." 08:27 You know what the source of lip poison is? 08:31 A poisoned heart. 08:33 Unclean lips, means you have an unclean heart. 08:38 That's what Jesus said in John, excuse me, Luke 6:45. 08:43 Luke 6:45. 08:45 He says, "A good man out of the good treasure 08:47 of his heart brings forth good and evil man 08:52 out of the evil treasure of his heart 08:55 brings forth evil. 08:56 For out of the abundance of the heart 08:59 the mouth speaks." 09:02 No human can tame the tongue. 09:06 But let me tell you something. 09:09 If we submit to the leading of the Holy Spirit, 09:13 if we line up under His guidance, 09:17 He can provide divine restraint. 09:20 And he can be the censor, 09:24 provide censorship of our conversation. 09:27 I love this prayer of David. 09:30 It is an earnest prayer and it needs to be our prayer. 09:34 Please jot down this scripture reference. 09:37 Psalm 141:3. 09:40 Psalm 141:3, 09:44 listen to David's cry to the Lord, 09:47 "Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth. 09:52 Keep watch over the door of my lips." 09:58 We need to submit to the Holy Spirit 10:00 and let Him be the keeper of the door up our mouth. 10:03 We need to be filled with the Spirit 10:07 so that we can speak words 10:10 that are filled with God's grace, 10:13 His love, His goodness, and His wisdom. 10:16 Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 5:20, 10:18 we're ambassadors for Christ. 10:21 Well, ambassadors are supposed to speak words 10:25 only that line up with the king 10:30 and the kingdom's purpose. 10:32 Psalm 19:14. 10:36 It says, this is David again, he was keenly aware 10:40 of the importance of his words before the Lord. 10:42 He says, "Let the words of my mouth, 10:44 and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, 10:50 O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer?" 10:54 Do you call on Jesus as Redeemer and Lord? 10:59 Are you worried 11:01 about the words of your lips 11:05 being pleasing to Him? 11:08 We need to be. 11:09 Now if you have your Bibles, 11:10 I want to encourage you to open to 1 Thessalonians 5. 11:15 We're going to spend some time. 11:17 This is such a broad topic we could speak on it for days. 11:21 But we're going to have a laser-like focus 11:24 on some of Paul's counsel to Christians. 11:27 And we're going to begin with 1 Thessalonians, 5:14-15. 11:32 Paul writes, 1 Thessalonians, 5:14-15. 11:38 "Now we exhort you, brethren," 11:41 it means all of us, "warn those who are unruly, 11:45 comfort the fainthearted, uphold the week, 11:49 be patient with all." 11:52 See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone 11:55 but always pursue what is good, 12:01 both for yourselves and for all. 12:05 So Paul gives us three categories here, 12:09 awards, what are the three categories 12:13 we should speak, 12:14 first, effective, 12:16 loving words of warning. 12:21 Second, words of true comfort, 12:24 encouragement, and support. 12:27 And then third, words that exhibit 12:30 patience and forgiveness. 12:33 And this includes our self-talk, 12:38 what we say to ourself because he said right there, 12:41 pursue what is good, 12:43 both for yourselves and for all. 12:48 Now let's unpack that. 12:50 In verse 14, 1 Thessalonians 5:14. 12:55 He starts out saying, "One those who are unruly." 13:00 Do you know this is the only time 13:01 this word unruly is used, 13:04 the Greek word is used only once in the New Testament? 13:07 And it means those horrid, 13:09 corrigible resistant to authority? 13:13 They're insubordinate. 13:15 So what is he saying 13:18 that we speak to the worst of the worst? 13:21 Well, in context, he's saying speak effective, 13:24 loving words of warning. 13:27 Problems arise that necessitate, 13:30 and we have to discuss unpleasant situations. 13:34 It's a matter of fact, a lot of our conversation 13:37 is addressing these things. 13:40 Some of us avoid these issues. 13:42 Because we're uncomfortable, we don't want confrontation. 13:46 But let me tell you something. 13:47 Often, the longer we wait, 13:50 the more emotionally charged a situation becomes. 13:56 Our words of correction, 13:58 we need to learn to speak words of correction 14:02 that are instructive and uplifting. 14:06 And if that's the intent of our heart, 14:08 we won't wait so long to do it. 14:11 And what we need to do 14:14 is focus on behaviors, 14:18 attack problems, not people. 14:23 It's easier said than done 14:25 for those who had the passionate, 14:28 outspoken personality. 14:30 But let me tell you something, 14:32 you cannot use your cleric personality 14:36 as an excuse for fiery rhetoric. 14:39 When we attack others. 14:42 That's a lack of spiritual maturity. 14:44 And I want to prove that to you. 14:46 We're going to take a quick look 14:48 at the Apostle John, who... 14:51 In his early days, 14:53 John had an intense personality. 14:57 He was a very quick-tempered person. 15:02 In Mark 9:38, John said to Jesus, 15:04 "Teacher, we saw someone who does not follow us, 15:09 casting out demons in your name. 15:11 And we forbade him because he does not follow us." 15:15 So what did Jesus do? 15:17 He had to correct him and tell them they were wrong. 15:20 Then in Luke 9:54, 15:23 john and his brother were upset 15:27 by the rejection of the people. 15:29 And, boy, they were ready to retaliate. 15:32 So they said, "Lord, do you want us 15:36 to command fire to come down from heaven, 15:39 and consume them, just as Elijah did?" 15:42 And then, in the next verse, Luke 9:55, Jesus turn, 15:48 He rebuked them saying, 15:50 "You do not know what manner of spirit 15:55 you are of." 15:57 It wasn't his spirit, that's for sure. 16:00 And then Jesus said, 16:02 "For the Son of Man did not come to destroy men's lives 16:06 but to save them." 16:08 You know what Jesus nicknamed 16:10 John and his brother, 16:12 He called them Sons of Thunder. 16:16 But what happened, God transformed their hearts. 16:20 And John, who had been a son of thunder 16:24 became known as the apostle 16:29 of love. 16:31 Someone whose words were always a kiss of grace, 16:36 from Spirit-led lips. 16:39 Now let's apply this to us. 16:42 When we encounter someone 16:44 who's entangled in sin or self-destructive behaviors 16:47 or maybe they're just 16:49 refusing to submit to God's authority, 16:53 we should be concerned, we need to be involved, 16:57 indifference is not Christ-like, 17:00 but we don't want to be a son of thunder. 17:04 We're commanded to correct people 17:06 in a loving and effective way. 17:10 We should pray and ask the Holy Spirit, 17:14 for his boldness, to give us the words, 17:17 and to make sure that what we speak is effective 17:21 and appropriate at the right time. 17:24 What we want to do is concentrate 17:27 on sharing a word of salvation, 17:30 a word of forgiveness in Christ. 17:34 And the best way to do this 17:37 is when you're attacking a problem, 17:40 you'll focus on future behavior, 17:44 rather than past problems. 17:47 So how do we make certain 17:48 that our words are kiss of grace 17:51 from Spirit-lead lips, 17:52 not the sharp tongue poison of the devil? 17:56 Well, you can check your attitude. 17:59 Are you speaking in a spirit of humility? 18:03 Or are you harshly criticizing someone 18:07 for a small fault 18:09 while overlooking your own larger faults? 18:12 Jesus had something to say about this too. 18:15 In Luke 6:42. 18:17 He says, "How can you say to your brother, 18:20 'Brother, let me remove the speck 18:23 that is in your eye, ' 18:25 when you yourself, 18:26 do not see the plank that is in your own eye? 18:30 And Jesus say, 'Hypocrite, 18:33 first remove the plank from your own eye, 18:36 and you will see clearly to remove the speck 18:39 that is in your brother's eye.'" 18:42 Do we see someone and think, 18:44 "They've got a toothpick in their eye? 18:46 Let me pluck it out." 18:47 Well, all along we've got a telephone pole in our own. 18:52 Jesus would tell us, 18:53 we are being judgmental hypocrites. 18:58 So check the spirit and make sure 19:01 you are speaking in a spirit of humility. 19:04 Another thing is check the intention 19:06 of your heart. 19:08 Are you wanting to up lift that person? 19:12 Or do you want to insult them and injure them? 19:16 Ephesians 4:29 says, 19:18 "Lead no corrupt word 19:23 proceed out of your mouth." 19:25 Wow. 19:27 "But only what is good for necessary edification." 19:31 That means to build somebody up 19:34 to lift them from the circumstances. 19:37 "That it may impart grace," 19:40 Paul says to the hearers. 19:44 You know sometimes we're in a situation 19:45 and it requires a rather firm reminder of what's at stake. 19:51 It can be their eternal salvation. 19:54 But we have to remember Jesus firmly rebuked Pharisees 19:59 and money changers because there was salvation. 20:03 It was a salvation issue. 20:05 Parent gentle response to the woman at the well. 20:08 He had a gentle response 20:11 to the woman caught in adultery. 20:13 So many men had known her body, 20:17 but He was the only one who knew her heart. 20:19 And he had a gentle response 20:22 when He was speaking with Peter who was about to deny Him. 20:27 When Jesus said up, "Peter, 20:29 Satan wants to sift you like weed. 20:32 But when you are converted, when you return to me, 20:38 then just remember to feed your brothers." 20:42 So Galatians 6:1 says this, 20:46 "Brethren, if a man is overtaken 20:49 in any trespass, you who are spiritual, 20:52 restore such a one, in a spirit of gentleness, 20:58 considering yourself, lest he also be tempted. 21:02 Gentleness is the fruit of the Spirit." 21:05 Gentleness the goal that we speak 21:09 with is for spiritual restoration. 21:13 Proverbs 15:1 says, 21:15 "A soft answer turns away wrath, 21:19 but a harsh word..." 21:20 And the literal translation, 21:23 for harsh word is a word of pain. 21:27 "Word pain stirs up anger." 21:32 A soft answer demonstrates a humility 21:37 that makes people want to listen to us. 21:39 Don't you listen to humble people? 21:42 Or when we speak with a soft answer 21:44 it shows that we have tender heart, 21:48 and that it suits situations. 21:51 So we speak with a spirit of humility. 21:55 Make sure the intent of our heart 21:57 is to build them up. 21:59 What else? 22:00 Well, another thing is to be convinced of God's timing. 22:06 Proverbs 15:23 says, 22:09 "A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, 22:12 and a word spoken in due season, 22:15 how good it is." 22:19 Now let's look at King David again. 22:22 A man who was so concerned that the fruit of his lips, 22:26 the words of his mouth 22:28 would be pleasing to His Lord and Redeemer. 22:33 In Psalm 39:1-5. 22:37 Psalm 39:1-5. 22:40 Listen to what David says. 22:43 He says, "I will guard my ways, lest I sin with my tongue, 22:46 I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle, 22:50 while the wicked are before me." 22:53 Then he says, "I was mute with silence, 22:57 I held my peace even from good." 23:01 He's not trying to correct them. 23:02 So what he's saying? 23:04 "And my sorrow was stirred up, my heart was hot within me. 23:09 While I was musing, the fire burned." 23:12 See, David muzzled his mouth, he knew it wasn't God's timing. 23:18 And you know what I appreciate about David? 23:21 He didn't have to prove to everybody 23:24 that he was right. 23:25 Oh, brothers and sisters, 23:27 we need to give up 23:31 our need to be right. 23:34 That's what is going on, polarize conversations, 23:39 both people wanting to prove that they're right. 23:43 And it's rancorous. 23:45 "We need to hold our peace 23:48 and put a lid over the passion of our tongues." 23:51 But now listen to what he says in verse three. 23:54 This is Psalm 39:3 verse three. 23:56 Here, David's been with the crowd. 23:59 His heart was stirred. 24:01 Anger, the fire was burning in his heart. 24:04 But he muzzled his lips. 24:07 He says, Then, when? 24:11 We're going to see 24:12 it's when he was alone with God. 24:15 "Then I spoke with my tongue." 24:18 And listen to the humility David speaks with. 24:22 "Lord, make me to know my end. 24:25 And what is the measure of my days 24:27 that I may know how frail 24:28 I am indeed you have made my days 24:30 as handbreadths and my age is nothing before You." 24:35 David knew that if you took the line of infinity 24:40 that just no beginning, no end, his life 24:44 would be like a little speck on that line. 24:50 He says, "Certainly every man 24:52 at his best date is but vapor. 24:57 Selah." 24:59 Think about. 25:01 That's what Selah means, pause and think about that. 25:04 Do we have the humility 25:08 to not always have to prove right? 25:11 Do we have the humility to let the Holy Spirit 25:15 muzzle her mouth? 25:16 Don't be a son of thunder. 25:20 Check your attitude. 25:23 Make sure that your words 25:25 are intended to build others up. 25:29 And make sure it's God's timing. 25:32 Submit to the Holy Spirit 25:34 and let your words be a kiss of grace 25:37 from Spirit-led lips. 25:39 Now let's get back into 1 Thessalonians 5:14. 25:43 Paul continues after he warn the unruly. 25:48 Then he says, "Comfort the faint-hearted, 25:51 uphold the weak." 25:54 This is words of true encouragement 25:59 and comfort and support. 26:02 Proverbs 25:11. 26:05 I love this scripture. 26:07 "A word, fitly spoken, 26:10 is like apples of gold in settings of silver. 26:16 In ancient times, expensive buildings 26:19 had these beautiful carvings 26:22 with apples of gold in frames of silver. 26:27 They were beautiful to look at. 26:30 And you know what? 26:31 When we speak, led by the Holy Spirit, 26:35 our words can be a valuable work of art. 26:40 Proverbs 16:20 says, "Pleasant words. 26:46 Literally, the sweetness of the lips 26:49 are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul, 26:54 and health to the bones. 26:56 A word fitly spoken 26:59 is like an apple of gold." 27:02 Isn't that something? 27:04 Saying the right words at the right time. 27:08 And here, he's saying, 27:10 "It's like sweetness to the soul 27:13 and health to the bones." 27:15 Our encouragement can literally revitalize 27:20 someone's spiritual energy. 27:23 You know what, life is difficult. 27:26 And sooner or later, 27:28 one of the five Ds comes knocking at the door. 27:33 You know what the five Ds are? 27:35 I bet you felt 27:37 it answered the door to one of these, 27:40 if not all. 27:41 The five Ds are disappointment, deflation, 27:45 discouragement, despondency, and depression. 27:50 Let me tell you treat everyone 27:55 as if their heart is breaking. 27:58 Because it probably is, 28:01 you know, you can read a clerk of store 28:04 who's just being a little snit. 28:07 They're being rude and abrupt with you. 28:11 And if you speak a word, that's fitly spoken, 28:16 what you can find out. 28:18 And this happened to me not too long ago, 28:21 in a Walmart, this lady was being so rude. 28:25 And I just kept saying nice things. 28:28 And I mentioned Jesus, and all of a sudden, 28:30 she's got tears running down her eyes. 28:33 And she's saying, "I'm sorry, 28:35 my husband left me last night, I'm barely able to stand." 28:39 So treat everyone as if their heart is breaking 28:43 because it probably is. 28:46 Emotions can overwhelm people. 28:49 And they begin to even question if God loves them. 28:53 So encouragement is necessary 28:58 to our walk of faith. 29:00 It has a therapeutic value to it. 29:04 It's like honey, it's sweet to the soul. 29:09 It's health to the bones, 29:11 it brings hope and it sees people 29:14 it sees us through our problems. 29:18 It strengthens us and returns us 29:21 to our lives with renewed vigor. 29:25 You know, there's nothing like being reminded of God's love, 29:28 and how much He treasures us and the life 29:31 that He wants us to have that brings comfort. 29:35 And Christians should be agents 29:39 of God's comfort. 29:42 We're supposed to soothe the grief and the pain 29:47 that others are going through. 29:49 In Romans 12:15. 29:51 It says, "Weep with those who weep." 29:55 You know what that saying? 29:56 Be compassionate. 29:58 Compassion is to enter 30:00 into someone else's grief and suffering. 30:04 And we need to learn how to speak 30:08 to those who are suffering. 30:13 Paul says, "Uphold the weak." 30:15 Those who are in fear or doubt 30:18 that find it difficult to trust God, 30:22 we need to offer emotional support for the sick. 30:27 Let me tell you something. 30:29 If you are physically oppressed or suppressed, 30:35 whatever word you want to use. 30:36 If you're sick for a long time, you know what happens, 30:40 you become, you go from physical to mental 30:45 and emotional exhaustion. 30:48 And eventually, 30:50 you become spiritually suppressed. 30:52 We need to learn how to reach out 30:55 and encourage those who are feeling useless 30:59 because they have a sense of lost identity 31:03 in their illness. 31:04 We need to offer a word of encouragement 31:08 to uphold those who are discouraged 31:10 and depressed and lack the spiritual courage 31:14 that's needed to get through this old tough world. 31:19 Barnabas is one of my favorite people 31:23 in the New Testament. 31:25 He is the most widely known 31:29 encourager in the New Testament. 31:32 He's mentioned 23 times in the books, 31:35 the Book of Acts. 31:37 And then Paul mentions him five times. 31:39 Do you know what Barnabas real name was? 31:42 We find it in Acts 4:36. 31:45 His real name was Joses, 31:48 J-O-S-E-S, Joses. 31:52 But the apostles, Acts 4:36 says, 31:56 "The apostles named him Barnabas, 32:00 which is translated, son of encouragement." 32:05 Are you a Barnabas? 32:06 Are you a son of encouragement? 32:09 Acts 11: 24 says he was a good man 32:12 full of the Holy Spirit, full of faith. 32:16 And his ministry was a ministry 32:20 of encouragement. 32:22 I'm going to say, honestly, I believe 32:26 all Christians are called to a Barnabas Ministry 32:30 of encouragement. 32:32 If you have so far... 32:34 In your life, 32:35 if you have avoided the experience 32:40 of something that created negative feelings 32:46 because it was a bad situation. 32:49 If you haven't been through it yet, 32:51 hold on, you will. 32:54 And when you go through it, 32:56 you're going to want a Barnabas 32:58 to call you on the phone, 33:00 you're going to want a Barnabas to text you 33:02 or to show up at your door. 33:06 Now let's talk about feelings for a minute. 33:11 That's a word that some Christians 33:13 I don't know why, 33:14 but so many people you mentioned feelings, 33:17 and it's kind of like, 33:18 "Let's don't talk about feelings." 33:20 You know, feelings aren't always right. 33:24 They are a reflection of our experiences. 33:27 They're a reflection of our perspective. 33:30 And while we don't let our feelings rule us 33:35 at least we shouldn't let our feelings rule us, 33:39 it's wrong to reject and ignore our feelings 33:43 or to diminish someone else's feelings. 33:47 Most people with feelings of sadness 33:52 or anger or frustration, 33:55 you know what they want more 33:56 than anything else in the world? 33:59 They want to feel understood and accepted. 34:03 They want to be heard. 34:06 And listening is the most important, 34:11 the most vital communication skill of all 34:15 is listening. 34:17 What we do when we listen to someone 34:22 that is emotional validation. 34:27 You're saying, "I hear you. 34:29 I care about your feelings." 34:32 And you can empathize and validate a feeling 34:37 without validating or supporting 34:41 whatever their thought process was to get them there. 34:45 James 1:19 says this, 34:49 "So then, my beloved brethren, 34:53 let every man be swift to hear 34:57 and slow to speak." 35:00 God created us with two ears, one mouth. 35:03 Do you think he designed us 35:05 to listen twice as much as we speak? 35:09 Some Christians feel 35:13 that it is a lack of faith, 35:16 to say anything wrong 35:20 or to admit that something's wrong. 35:23 They have an idea 35:26 that sadness is spiritual failure. 35:30 And that sorrow or grieving is not Godly. 35:36 But there's no shame 35:38 to express a heart it's filled with sadness. 35:42 Our Savior did. 35:43 In Matthew 26:38, 35:46 Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, 35:48 and He came to His disciples, and what does He say? 35:52 "My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, 35:57 even to death, stay here and watch with me." 36:02 See, we've got to be 36:06 more comfortable with other people's feelings. 36:12 Some Christians are so uncomfortable 36:15 with their own feelings and with others feelings, 36:19 that when somebody does get vulnerable 36:22 and say something, they minimize 36:26 what they're hearing, they deny their feelings 36:30 because they are dismissive. 36:33 And when we reject 36:36 the authentic expression of emotion 36:41 and label it as a lack of faith, 36:45 we're inflicting pain on other people. 36:48 And you know how most Christians do it? 36:52 I've been guilty of this in the past, 36:54 I'm sure you're guilty as well, 36:56 sometimes, you know, men are known to be fixers, 37:02 when a wife comes and tries to talk to her husband, 37:05 and the husband jumps in and just says something, 37:07 and he's not listening to the emotion. 37:10 It's like she's gone away. 37:11 "I can't talk with you. 37:14 Well, I'm a fixer. 37:15 I'm always trying." 37:16 I don't want people to be in pain. 37:20 So I'm always trying to think of something to lift them 37:23 from their pain. 37:24 And what we do, we're well-meaning, 37:27 but what we do 37:29 is when we respond with some trite, 37:35 saying, we are terminating their feelings. 37:41 Someone who is battling depression, 37:43 recently had a pastor 37:48 who came to him. 37:50 And the pastor said to him, "What's the problem? 37:54 Don't we have Jesus in our hearts?" 37:58 See, 38:01 depression isn't just an emotion, 38:04 it can have a chemical 38:06 and biological factor behind it. 38:10 It's not necessarily just an emotional experience. 38:14 But have you ever said anything like this to someone, 38:17 they start talking to you and you say, 38:20 "Oh, it isn't that bad could have been worse?" 38:23 Or maybe you're saying that about yourself. 38:25 You're going through a problem and you say your problem, 38:28 and they go, "Oh, I shouldn't have said that." 38:29 So you say, "Oh, it isn't that bad. 38:31 It could have been worse. 38:33 Or count your blessings." 38:36 The worst thing, "At least it's not." 38:41 You know, we do this. 38:43 We say things to people. 38:45 Don't take it personally or tripping over sensitive... 38:49 Overly sensitive, I don't think they meant that. 38:51 Don't be upset. 38:53 Don't be sad. 38:54 You shouldn't feel that way. 38:55 Or then you hear Christians say this all the time. 38:58 "Oh, let go and let God. 39:00 God's got a purpose for everything." 39:03 These quick insensitive responses, 39:07 communicate to whoever is suffering, 39:12 that their emotional experience is not valid, 39:17 and it carries with it a certain sense. 39:22 It conveys condemnation. 39:25 People who are gripped in pain, 39:28 experiencing real emotional trauma 39:33 are made to feel guilty. 39:37 Oh, God, help us, it shouldn't be that way. 39:40 Emotional invalidation, 39:43 even when it is unintentional, 39:48 it's painful. 39:50 Validation says, "I hear you." 39:54 Validation says, "I care about your feelings." 39:59 If a child has been bullied at school, 40:03 oh, listen to what I'm saying, please, 40:06 don't say to that child, 40:10 ignore the bully, just shake it off. 40:14 That's not where you start with a child because... 40:18 It's not uplifting, it's not encouraging. 40:21 You've just told them your feelings are all wrong. 40:24 You've got to listen, and say, "Oh, 40:27 that must be so painful 40:28 to be going through this experience. 40:30 Tell me about it." 40:31 Let that person tell you what's going on. 40:35 If someone has lost a job or they've lost their home 40:40 or maybe they're going through a divorce, 40:42 don't say something like, 40:44 "Well, at least, you didn't have children." 40:48 Don't say, don't start with God is the God of new beginnings. 40:53 Oh, I'm guilty of that one in the past. 40:56 See, we can't intervene with spiritual advice, 41:00 until someone believes 41:04 that we hear where they're coming from. 41:07 And that's where you say, "Oh, this must be so painful. 41:11 I'm so sorry. 41:13 It's devastating to experience such a loss. 41:17 Tell me about it." 41:19 And you know, something else don't say, 41:21 "I know how you feel." 41:23 Feelings are subjective. 41:26 We don't know how someone feels. 41:29 Even if we'd gone through something that similar. 41:32 What I have learned to say is one of two things. 41:38 If I haven't been through that, my brother-in-law just died, 41:42 my sister-in-law is a widow. 41:44 I've ever been widowed. 41:46 So what I say to her 41:48 if I can only imagine 41:52 how you feel? 41:55 That makes someone understand 41:59 that you're trying to support them, 42:02 you're trying to understand. 42:05 Now if you've been through something, 42:08 you can say, 42:09 "You know, I've been through a similar experience. 42:13 I have some idea of how you feel." 42:16 But you don't know how somebody feels. 42:20 So what I'm saying to you is this. 42:23 Our quick fixes don't cure 42:28 someone else's discomfort. 42:31 We actually add pain upon pain. 42:35 So something that I've learned to do 42:39 is sometimes somebody calls... 42:41 There's somebody I have in mind right now, 42:44 who's a Chicken Little. 42:45 Do you know what I mean by that? 42:47 It's always, "Oh, the sky is falling, 42:49 the sky is falling," 42:51 even when it seems to me like a very small problem. 42:55 But I don't want to invalidate their feelings. 42:58 And sometimes you try, you know, it's patience. 43:03 It can wear on your patients if you have someone like that, 43:07 who you frequently interact with. 43:10 But what I've learned to do 43:12 is let them express their feelings. 43:15 And then I will say, often I say, 43:19 "Do you want my help with this problem?" 43:22 And if they say no, then just focus on listening. 43:27 Here's one of my pet peeves. 43:32 And I think it's wrong. 43:35 I think we can prove from Scripture, 43:37 it's wrong. 43:40 An insistent demand 43:45 on avoiding all negativity. 43:50 And that's what some Christians do. 43:53 That's toxic. 43:55 There is such a thing as toxic positivity. 44:01 It is a toxic attitude to Biblical faith 44:06 if we demand 44:08 that people avoid all negativity. 44:12 Sometimes, we don't do any intentional listening, 44:17 we just gush out our scripture verses 44:22 and our promises. 44:24 And we shut people down, terminate them, 44:27 and we use God's Word as a weapon. 44:33 Let me give you an example. 44:35 I was in England, I believe this was 2002, 44:41 I was speaking at a large multi-church conference. 44:46 And while I was speaking, I was trying to tell people 44:50 'cause if you know, my ministry started 44:55 with exalting the Word of God, 44:58 with teaching people to speak God's Word over their life, 45:01 to pray their promises, God's promises back to God, 45:07 knowing they won't return void, 45:10 but that He will watch over His Word to perform it. 45:15 But what I said during this meeting. 45:18 I was trying to tell people, 45:21 be careful how you use the Word of God. 45:26 For example, Romans 8:28, 45:29 and I was giving this example at the meeting. 45:32 Romans 8:28, says, 45:35 "That all things work together for good 45:38 for those who love the Lord, 45:40 and are called according to His purpose." 45:43 But in my mind, it should never have been separated 45:49 from Romans 8:29. 45:52 Because He explains the purpose in verse 29, 45:58 he says, "For whom he foreknew, 46:02 he also predestined to be conformed 46:05 to the image of His son. 46:07 So God is working all things together for our good, 46:11 no matter how bad it is. 46:15 When we participate in the sufferings of Christ, 46:18 he's working to conform us to the character of Christ. 46:23 But as I was speaking, I asked, 46:25 I said, "What would you do 46:28 if your children and your husband 46:31 were just killed in a car accident?" 46:35 And some, 46:36 well-meaning Christian came up to you and said, 46:39 "Oh, Sister, don't worry all things work together, 46:43 for those who love the Lord." 46:47 Well, you want to succumb? 46:50 See, we use scripture to shut people down. 46:56 That doesn't encourage somebody. 46:59 So what happened, 47:00 I was explaining how God works it all together 47:04 to conform us to the image of Jesus. 47:07 What happened when I finished speaking 47:10 was amazing. 47:14 It was a huge conference thousands of people. 47:17 So there was a line of people that wanted to talk afterwards. 47:21 And I saw of in a distance, 47:24 a woman just standing amongst the empty seats 47:30 in the auditorium. 47:32 So I had spoken with, I don't know, 47:35 30 people, 40 people, a lot of people, 47:39 and she kept standing there. 47:41 So when I finished, I went to her. 47:45 And I said, "Sister, I just am impressed 47:48 that we're supposed to be talking." 47:50 And you know what she told me. 47:52 She said, "My son," 47:57 I think he was 10 years old, 47:59 "was swimming in the English Channel 48:02 and he got caught in a rip current. 48:05 And my husband went to get him, 48:09 to save him, and they both drowned." 48:14 Then she said, "Somebody from church, 48:16 came up to me, and said, 'Not to worry, 48:21 God works all things together for our good.'" 48:26 And she said, "It's been four years, 48:30 this is the first time I've ever been 48:34 to a Christian event again. 48:38 See, 48:39 when we use words out of context, 48:45 we do more damage than we do good. 48:48 And my personal problem with one 48:53 is when people say, 48:55 "God doesn't put on you more than you can handle." 48:58 Now I know that they're coming... 49:01 Where they get this idea, 49:02 and it's a popular idea how God has put 49:04 on us more than we can handle. 49:06 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "God is faithful, 49:09 He won't allow you to be tempted beyond 49:13 what you were able but with the temptation, 49:16 we'll make the way of escape, 49:18 that you may be able to bear it." 49:20 What is he saying here? 49:23 He's saying that every trial 49:25 or temptation gives us two choices. 49:28 We can either remain confident 49:30 in God's faithfulness and His Word, 49:33 and take his way of escape, walking in obedience, 49:37 empowered by the Holy Spirit, 49:39 or we can doubt His Word and His loving faithfulness 49:43 and His power to overcome and give in to our own loss. 49:47 He's talking about temptation. 49:51 But is it Biblical to say 49:55 that earthly circumstances can never overpower us? 50:01 You know, Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9, 50:06 he said, "We don't want you to be ignorant, brethren, 50:11 of our trouble which came to us in Asia, 50:13 we were burdened beyond measure, 50:16 above strength, 50:18 so that we despaired even in the life, 50:20 we had the sentence of death in ourselves." 50:24 I would say, 50:25 he was definitely burned beyond measure. 50:30 So be careful how you use God's Word. 50:33 Now let's look at 1 Thessalonians 5 again. 50:37 We've read verse 14. 50:38 "we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, 50:42 comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak." 50:45 These are effective, 50:47 loving words of a warning and words of true comfort 50:50 and encouragement and support." 50:52 But now listen to what Paul says. 50:55 This is the last part of verse 14. 50:58 "Be patient with all. 51:01 See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, 51:03 but always pursue what is good 51:05 both for yourselves and for all. 51:08 So our words 51:11 are to exhibit patients 51:15 that result in forgiveness. 51:17 We all make patients. 51:19 We come from different backgrounds, 51:21 different cultures and experiences. 51:24 We have different personalities, 51:26 and our rate of Christian maturity 51:29 is different. 51:30 We need to learn to be patient. 51:34 Love is patience. 51:37 Patience and love are fruit of the Holy Spirit. 51:43 What causes impatience, selfishness. 51:48 Selfishness is the root of impatience 51:53 with others. 51:54 Let me tell you something. 51:56 God is patient with us. 51:57 So we need to grow in the grace 52:01 and the love of our Lord. 52:04 Now listen to this. 52:06 James 1:19-20. 52:07 We've already read verse 1:19, we will do it again. 52:11 James says, "All so that my beloved, 52:14 brethren, let every man be swift to hear, 52:16 slow to speak, slow to wrath, 52:18 for the wrath of man does not produce 52:21 the righteousness of God." 52:25 He's telling us be slow to speak, 52:28 be patient. 52:30 So that a calls for restraint, 52:33 lest we produce a hasty, ill-timed reaction. 52:39 Now if you have your Bibles, 52:42 turn from 1 Thessalonians 15 over to Ephesians 4 52:47 'cause I've just got to get these in. 52:50 Ephesians 4, Paul tells us to put away five sins. 52:55 Five sins, this is Ephesians 4:29-32. 53:01 Listen. 53:03 "Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, 53:07 but what is good for necessary edification, 53:11 that it may impart grace to the hearers. 53:14 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, 53:17 by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." 53:21 He says, "Let all bitterness, 53:25 wrath, anger, clamor, 53:28 and evil speaking 53:31 be put away from you, with all malice." 53:37 So what are the five sins 53:38 that Paul's instructing Christians to put away? 53:42 Bitterness, that's a sin. 53:45 And it results from resentment and a lack of forgiveness. 53:50 Wrath, he says to put away. 53:53 Wrath is an indignation. 53:55 That is like a roaring fire. 53:58 Anger, that's a strong, 54:01 explosive hostile reaction. 54:05 This will get you, clamor. 54:08 That's yelling at others in an angry fashion. 54:14 Let me tell you something, 54:15 however, you speak in public 54:18 is however you should be speaking at home. 54:21 You shouldn't be yelling at your spouse. 54:24 You shouldn't be yelling at your children in anger. 54:29 He says, "Put away evil speaking. 54:32 That's a deliberate insult with abusive words 54:35 and put away malice. 54:37 That's an intention to inflict hurt or injury." 54:42 So when we speak with anger, clamor, 54:46 evil speaking in malice, 54:48 those aren't a kiss of grace from Spirit-led lips. 54:53 That is the sharp tongue 54:56 of the serpent and poison is on our lips. 55:00 Paul continues on in verse 32. 55:04 And he gives us the fourth... 55:06 He gives us four Christian virtues 55:08 that we should put on. 55:10 He says, "Be kind to one another, 55:12 tenderhearted, forgiving one another, 55:14 just as God in Christ forgave you." 55:18 So we're to put on kindness, 55:20 be gracious, be gentle-mannered. 55:24 That's an outward expression of Christ's love in our hearts. 55:29 We're to put on tender-heartedness, 55:32 be compassionate, patient, merciful, 55:35 looking over people's fault, forgiving one another, 55:39 we put on forgiveness, as Christ. 55:43 God in Christ forgave us. 55:46 You know Jesus... 55:47 God came down to become the person 55:49 of Jesus Christ, 55:50 to identify with our weaknesses, 55:53 and sacrificed Himself for us. 55:56 And then, in the very next verse, 55:58 which happens to be Ephesians 5:1-2. 56:02 He says, "Be imitators of God, grow in the likeness of Him, 56:06 as dear children, walk in love, 56:09 follow in Christ's footsteps. 56:13 We are to have purity of thought, 56:16 cleanliness of speech, 56:18 Jesus submitted to the Holy Spirit, 56:21 and He listened for the guidance 56:23 for His speech. 56:25 Isaiah 50:4 said, "The Lord GOD has given Me 56:28 The tongue of the learned, 56:30 That I should know how to speak A word in season 56:34 to him who is weary. 56:36 He awakens Me morning by morning, 56:38 He awakens My ear To hear as the learned. 56:44 See, when our words when we know 56:47 how to demonstrate Christ's patience, 56:52 and it results in forgiveness. 56:54 And we're speaking word to the weary. 56:57 We're speaking with the tongue 57:01 of an instructed disciple. 57:04 That's how we have to learn to speak, 57:07 effective loving words of true comfort, 57:11 encouragement, and support, 57:13 and words that exhibit patience 57:18 that result in forgiveness. 57:21 All my brothers and my sisters, I pray, 57:25 submit to the Holy Spirit, 57:27 let your words be the impartation 57:32 of a kiss of grace from Spirit-led lips. |
Revised 2021-10-07